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[ventyvent]

Ok ok I know this is an old vent blog but i wanna say it somewhere

So there was or there might have been a misunderstanding (person maybe thought I was fully aroace, instead of just ace and allo romantic, I heard it from a mutual friend) , and I was afraid I messed up the relationship by mentioning it and trying to be honest abt my feelings since the person kinda slowly stopped messaging me for few months shortly after I told them, but they recently reached out again said sorry and that they were going through some stuff and asked if I wanted to talk again

And now we're talking again just like before ^w^) !!! Which makes me super happy , I was really afraid I made it weird by basically saying that I wouldn't say no if they asked me out on a date (but we were so clingy so i thought that was a little obvious.. but I'm ace so idk, and close clingy friends are great in their own way too)

Aaahhh, I feel some kind of romantic feelings, honestly i can be kind of quoiromantic so sometimes I'm not sure or maybe I just doubt myself because I'm scared of rejection/losing a really good platonic friendship, I really like this person, I like talking and sending hugs/snuggles/cuddles/blanket hugs/nose boops, we're pretty similar and we get along well in person too

on a side note tho, it did make me really happy to hear that he remembered that i was ace (i told him shortly after we met in person)

but you know, if we both like being really clingy and affectionate, we can be really clingy and affectionate, we don't have to give it a name yet as long as we're both happy , Id be happy with it being romantic or queer platonic , if we vibe we vibe, nothing wrong with that

we should talk about it more ofc but I don't wanna push it atm and that'd probably be better to do in person anyway / not over text (we're in different states rn)

[ventyvent]

oh what’s my gender today? hold on let me roll perception first

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so i (quoiromantic) have a (probably) stupid question:

if someone(cishet far as i know, and you also perceived as cishet) expressed wanting to be in your space and hug and cuddle you (Not in a creepy way btw, its mutual), but it was also like a game to say stuff like that back and forth very often to each over when you live far apart, woooooould it be safe to say they probably have a crush on you too or could it still be platonic 

cuz get this... maybe it’s cuz i’m ace, or because i dont really expect any romance stuff directed at me, or i’m just very dense but- yeah, there is still parts in my brain that are like “pfffft, no, probably not, it’s just a fun thing and you’re reading into it“  like um, i could be wrong but, i don’t know if it’s a “joke” anymore my dude (<- responding to myself btw)

[ventyvent]

Grainy Comic About Grief

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If I’m gonna end up alone i wish it would just happen already

i’m afraid my new friends won’t last -maybe they dont actually like me-, or a potential partner will change his mind, or my family will only drift apart more

i wish i could skip the middle part and just live by myself alone already, no one to feel bad when i die and sink into my bed, i’d be easier for everyone

[ventyvent]

venting:

i’m realizing i’m pretty bitter and hurt when my mom finds people to date so quickly and disregards spending time with her kids (me and my brother). (my dad’s kinda worse tho, a fiance that i barely know, i just dont live w them thankfully)

like, she’s not exactly doing a bad thing but, being so aware of her neglect over the years just makes it feel like “Y e p, still neglecting us and putting us lower on the list of priorities��� (and in some ways she is, especially when she gets to go out and does things but if i dare to meet up with new friends she’s SO skeptical and doesnt treat me like an adult, and like i still haven't gone to a doctor in forever)

I’m like “I want you to Finally pay attention to me, ive never really had that and you could have the time to do that now, so??”  and also sometimes am like  “fuck you i dont want you knowing about me or my life or what i think because you dont talk or share yours with us and hid it before so i dont trust you, youve never r tired to get to know me so why should i let you now?” I should be glad she’ll telling me about who’s shes ‘dating’ but i just get annoyed and i dont really care nor want to hear it

like she can’t make up for the neglect now and i should know that and just give up on it, but i guess i still have hope or i think “oh maybe this time” just to be crushed and letdown too often that i just get bitter

[ventyvent]

classmate: (asking everyone)  would you date a opposite gender version of yourself? [meaning, someone exactly like you]

me: (can’t think of what my answer would be because “wait but i can be different genders of myself already, that’s just me on a Thursday or whatever,  uhhhh - ” )

[ventyvent]

some thoughts about ADHD and baseline guilt

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so um, there’s this guy, and uhhh (<- referencing a meme btw)

no but really, i think someone likes me and we get a long really well and are pretty similar, only thing is he had to move to another state but , wowie i might have a crush ? like a mutual one? which has never happened irl before for me?  EH?

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will someone pls explain what i’m supposed to call my romantic orientation when i’m genderfluid

like, what if i feel like masc and like guys but then i feel more fem and like guys HUH???????

gflm? (like wlw /mlm), i mean i understand that, but what if I want to name it or someone asks me directly? (like gay,het,lesbian)

But, for example, if a amab person was genderfluid and only liked girls, you wouldn’t call them heterosexual bc they were amab, right? so ? confusion

[ventyvent]

identity crisis tropes are a little odd to me because i’m like, wait- this ISNT a thing that happens often enough that you’ve gotten used to it and an emotional state of unknown/extreme unsureness of one’s self isn’t your default state??

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it really be like-

there’s a void in me and nobody is ever gonna love what exists out of it enough to deal with the rest of my empty self

-sometimes

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im full of anxiety and shame abt it but , i think i will , and i want to, try to make up and fix things w  a friend soon  , ive been a terrible friend and i need and want to apologize to them

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um um um um um um how do I go to the dentist without having a panic attack just thinking about it and bringing it up to my mom makes me start to cry/panic already erm uhhhhh shit fuck dammit aaaaaaa

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whats it called when you get b-day presents and you just feel so bad and guilty like you wanna cry bc nooo i really dont deserve this why give me nice things i dont understand aaahhh :’((

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That avpd feel when you feel a personal sense of accomplishment for denying yourself things that make you happy or even just basic needs.

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Did anyone else with high controlling / strict parents who were very against "bad words" ever like, literally not even be able to say a bad word mentally in their head? Like I was just so scared (?) of doing something bad that I couldn't even say "oh my God" or "damn it" in my own brain? (Like it would bleep out or go silent in my head, and i had no control over that) I feel like that is actually a bit extreme when I'm like 15 years old and doing that