unwillingrealityshifter

[unwillingrealityshifter]

Being in love with someone is like your favorite movie. You've seen it before, you know the plot, you can almost quote it dialog by dialog, you know exactly what'll happen but you watch it anyway. You watch it over and over again, not because you're curious, not because you're bored, you watch it simply because of what it is.

Your favorite movie.

[unwillingrealityshifter]

Dear Pope Francis,

This morning I sat in the garden next to the pond and I talked to God. I don't know why, but I always find it easier to talk to Him when I'm close to water.

I told Him a lot of things, but mostly I talked about you. Now, I know that He knows all about you, but He is very busy after all.

Some people say He doesn't care about what's happening in the world, but I don't think like that. He's just in a lot of places at the same time.

He's known for always rooting for the little guy, so I like to imagine that every person surviving an impossible car crash, every kid that almost runs into traffic but stops at the last moment, those little but extremely important things are His work, His way of showing us that he cares.

He can't just stop all the wrong in the world with a wave of His hand. I think He wants to, but then remembers He gave us free will for a reason. If someone fixed all our messes for us, would we really be free to make choices?

So, just in case, I told Him about you.

How your life growing up was all but easy. How hardworking you were. How you didn't lose your cool when faced with the tangled world of church politics. How you worked your way up to the top, humbly, carefully, with kindness rather than force. I told Him that you were just a man who did the best he could, but that you actually did really good.

Dear Pope Francis, you could've done things much easier, but instead you chose to do them well. You could've made the job nicer for yourself, but you did the right thing, even if it made some people mad.

You stood up to people within the church when they did wrong, you challenged the hierarchy, even though it made your life even more difficult.

I told Him that your last public act was standing up to abuse, to oppression and injustice.

I think he knows by now. You sensed that it was your time, and so you went and told him about it yourself. I think it's poetic that you went to heaven on the most important Christian holiday. During spring, the time of hope.

I told God about what's happening in the world right now, and I begged him to choose a new Pope who would be at least half as great a man as you were.

Thank you, Pope Francis, for your service to the world. It sure wasn't an easy one, but you spread compassion, acceptance and love among the people, and that gift shaped and changed many lives for the better.

[unwillingrealityshifter]

Have one for the road

[unwillingrealityshifter]

Hey y'all, I'm starting a Trump whump post series

[unwillingrealityshifter]

Only now I've realized that it's okay. It's okay to put on a comfort show/movie when you're sick, and do easy tasks.

Only now I've realized that I don't have to push myself into the more demanding things.

Only now I've realized just how critical and harsh I am to myself

[unwillingrealityshifter]

the urge to destroy all the evidence of the pathetic little being I was

[unwillingrealityshifter]

I feel so dead inside.

I want them all to forget me, all of them, all of me, and then I want to erase them from my own memory so I don't ever have to make myself smaller when I walk down the street again, so I don't have to tremble every time a car passes the sidewalk, I want them all to forget I ever existed so I don't have to be afraid anymore.

All my failures staring at me in the dark, dead of night, all my mistakes and doubts lurking around every corner like an army of Schrodinger's cats, they all survived but the dark changed them, they're bigger, smarter and faster, and they want revenge on humankind.

All my shame stuck in my head on repeat like a scratched record.

I don't want to feel it anymore.

All I am are dead, rotting, disappointed things.

[unwillingrealityshifter]

The expectations are gonna be the death of me.

[unwillingrealityshifter]

I'd honestly rather kms right now instead of having to reply to a text.

She doesn't get it.

It's not just an expression to make it clear that I don't wanna respond, I'd really rather die.

I'd rather die than having to deal with the explaining , the shame, the anxiety, the questions and pity and the fact that they can never understand.

She cannot even grasp the concept of how much pain it brings me just thinking about it.

Jumpiness for the rest of my life, looking around every corner, anxious, taking precautions to never cross paths with them again? Bring it on. I'll take the odds on this one. Better than making myself voluntarily miserable, better than being misunderstood, labeled unstable, crazy, being pitied.

Dear mom, I'd rather die than respond to their texts. I wanna be dead to them.

[unwillingrealityshifter]

I have an ego the size of a general suburban house, a self-confidence the size of a mitochondria and sense of self worth eerily similar to that of a 13 year old boy with more zits than skin on his face talking to a 17 year old hottie.

[unwillingrealityshifter]

If I got a nickel every time the world tried to kill me and failed, I'd have 7 nickels.

If I had a nickel for every time I regretted that failure, I'd be able to buy...

I don't know. Sicily? A mansion? The Chrysler building? Donald Trump? I'm not good with numbers, but it varies somewhere on that side of the spectrum, even though buying Donald isn't so hard these days.

They call me a survivor.

Oh no, honey, I'm just a ghost, stuck in between, who can't pass over to the other side.

I don't try, because at this point I know it just wouldn't work. That's facts.

[unwillingrealityshifter]

One day, you'll find me sitting in the center of the room, shaking, rocking forwards and back, forwards and back, head tilted to the ceiling, screaming, rejoicing. "The circle is closing! It's closing!" It finally is. I never thought this day would come.

one day you'll see me sitting in the edge of a room, rocking forwards and back and forwards and back, head in my hands and screaming "the circle!!! the circle!!! the circle is closing!!!! the circle is closing!!!"

[unwillingrealityshifter]

You mean 11

None of this would’ve been an issue if I just killed myself at 16

[unwillingrealityshifter]

I never get used to it. I die anyway.

If I have to get used to you being gone I think I’d rather d13.

[unwillingrealityshifter]

I know I don't. Not yet, anyway. I hope I won't be reborn again. Step - jump - step - twirl... People I care about, all dying, every single time. Step - jump - step - twirl... Ageless dance.

"maybe in another universe-.." - i hope i don’t exist in another universe. f

[unwillingrealityshifter]

Now that's my preferred way of solving the overpopulation problem.

Doctors don’t know what’s wrong with me I don’t know what’s wrong with me let’s all kill ourselves and call it a day

[unwillingrealityshifter]

I think I loved her.. Not like a sister, not like a lover, not like a friend, like everything.

I would've died for her. But she didn't let me, she was faster. I would've died for her. Instead, she died for all of us.

I don't know who they sent to retrieve the body. I don't know if anyone did. Was the coffin empty? If so, what did they put in it instead?

I couldn't even make it to the funeral, I was busy being in a fucking coma. I was there to watch her die, but not to put her to rest.

I still wish we could've swapped places.