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Mav, writing a letter to Santa: Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty.
Mav, still writing: and it was worth it, you judgemental bastard.
Mav: Cain deserved exactly what he got, and no matter how long Ice stays mad at me, I will not apologise.
Mav: Although my back is starting to hurt from sleeping on the couch.
#mav is definitely in trouble#mav is a petty bitch#ice is mad and staying that way#Mav's festive treat to himself is he gets to commit one vengeful act against cain#what did mav do#who knows#but you know it was something dramatic and excessive#and befitting of his hatred of cain#ice will stay mad until mav apologises#or until mav makes it up to him for the amount of paperwork ice had to do to smooth things over with cain#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#top gun maverick
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Maverick, trying to flirt: My dick is like life... Life is hard.
Iceman, blankly: Life is also short.
Maverick: Listen here, you annoyingly sexy son of a bitch-
Iceman, trying to contain his upset: You should know that my mother is an incredibly kind, respected, and well loved woman.
Maverick: I meant your father?
Iceman: ...
Iceman: Continue.
#maverick trying to flirt is painful to watch#goose crying as he cringes in the corner watching the two of them#iceman is a momma's boy and you cannot change my mind#tom kazansky would cut a bitch for insulting his mama#maverick panicking that he's just ruined his chances with ice#fortunately ice finds his panic face cute#and he will always agree with an insult against his asshole father#slider is never gonna let mav forget how terrible his pick-up lines were when trying to flirt with ice#its lucky ice found them so endearing#even though some of them made the people nearby question Ice's sanity for falling for them#ice didn’t even register that mav called him sexy until hours later#bright red blush on his ears for days when he realises that mav likes him back#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky
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[This is what happens when you trap Maverick on a carrier at sea for several months, in shared bunks with Merlin, Slider, and Iceman. He finds new ways to entertain himself. Namely, antagonising Slider.]
Maverick: You know what I've always wondered? How do tall people sleep at night when the blanket can't go over them right to their toes?
Slider: Maverick, it is three o'clock in the goddamn morning.
Maverick: So you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket?
Slider: Maverick, I swear to god if you don't shut up I'm gonna-
Maverick: Sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you through the blanket covering me completely.
Slider: I hope you die.
Maverick: Yeah? Well, I hope you step on legos.
Slider: Take it back. TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW.
Maverick: Barefoot.
#ice and merlin are going to smother the two of them in their sleep#ice is questioning his sanity because he knows he's stuck with them both for the rest of his life#(he loves them really but holy FUCK are they annoying)#merlin is questioning his sanity because he agreed to be Mav's RIO permanently so he's stuck with this too#save merlin and ice from the bickering idiots#mav and slider will antagonise each other for the rest of time#ice just wants them to get along with each other for once#(he doesn’t realise yet but it's more scary when they do get along because it means they are scheming and its usually against ice)#its worse when they team up#slider and mav live to antagonise each other#god help anyone who tries to pick on one in front of the other#they are protective of each other#the only one allowed to bully mav is slider#and vice versa#anyone who tries to defy this gets their ass kicked#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#ron slider kerner#sam merlin wells
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Mav: Am I in trouble?
Ice: Take a guess.
Mav: No?
Ice: Correct
Mav: Really!?
Ice: No, you idiot.
Ice: If you really think you're not in trouble for what you did to Admiral Caine's car, then you're even more delusional than I thought.
Mav, under his breath: It was worth it.
#im undecided as to what mav did to Caine's car#probably something involving glitter though#that seems like something he would do#ice is long suffering#mav is lucky that his husband is moronsexual and loves his dumb-ass#ice sighing as he receives his sixth angry phonecall from Caine of the week#mav better make it up to him#mean ice for getting Mav's hopes up that he might not be in trouble#but he's right#mav is a bit delulu#we love him for it tho#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#top gun maverick
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[I choose to believe the Ice went back with Mav and they taught at Top Gun together after the Layton mission]
Maverick: Hello, welcome to your first lesson at Top Gun.
Maverick: Today we will be talking about... uh...
Iceman, whispering: Building loyalty.
Maverick: Killing royalty.
#poor mav#there's a reason he didn't last long as an instructor back then#it's because the class failed after not paying any attention to their lessons#they were too busy being entertained by icemav bickering#iceman's eyerolls became legendary#the class were too busy watching mav say dumb shit to antagonise ice to take notes#watch as iceman runs through the five stages of grief after mav says something stupid-#and ice realises with horror that he still wants him#mav is both oblivious as fuck and desperate for ice to notice him#they're both hopelessly pining for one another#while slider throws peanuts at them and heckles from the sidelines#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky
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Bradley, on the phone: Hey Uncle Sli! I just used your prank on Ice, he's never gonna guess who did it-
Ice, from the other side of the house: BRADLEY, I KNOW THIS WAS YOU!
Bradley, yelling back: UNCLE SLIDER APPROVED IT! IT WAS HIS IDEA!
Ice: I AM COUNTING TO TEN.
Bradley: Shit, he started counting, I gotta go, Uncle Sli. It was worth it!
#slider is a terrible influence on bradley#he's the cool uncle#they're always getting into trouble together#ice will scold them both at the same time regardless of the fact that slider is older than he is#sometimes ice swears he has two kids instead of one#mav is watching from the corner with popcorn#he loves it when he's not in trouble for once#but usually he's just as bad as the other two#and gets dragged into their shenanigans as well#poor ice#he swears that because of dealing with the three of them he will go gray early#mav reassures him that the silver fox will be a good look on him#then gets sent to sleep on the couch for the night#ice just wants one calm relaxed day#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#ron slider kerner#bradley rooster bradshaw#mavdad and icepops
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Mav: I like to play a game called Nap Roulette.
Mav: It's where I take a nap, but I don't set an alarm.
Mav: Will it be a 30 minute nap? Will it be 3 hours? Will I wake up tomorrow?
Mav: Nobody knows. It's a risky game and I like it.
--A couple of hours later--
Ice: *Knocking on the bedroom door and opening it slightly to look in*
Ice: Mav, are you ready to come out yet and interact with people?
Mav: *Demonic screeching from underneath a pile of blankets*
Ice: Understandable. Have a nice nap, my love.
#mav is just a sleepy little guy#ice knows him too well#Mav's sleepless nights catch up with him sometimes#mav is a little bit feral but thats ok#ice still loves him for it#mav goes from 100% energy to fast asleep in seconds#ice has grown used to being a human pillow when it happens when they are out of the house#in the middle of a meal out with the daggers but mav is lightly snoring on Ice's shoulder#everyone whispering quietly so as not to wake him up#captain dad needs to rest#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky
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Mav: So, hypothetically-
Slider: What did you do this time, shortstack?
Mav: I accidentally ate Ice's leftover pierogi. How long do you think I have left to live?
Slider, seeing Ice slowly rising up behind Mav: Five.
Mav: Five what?!
Slider: Four.
#it turned into the pillow fight to end all pillow fights#maximum attack#maximum destruction#they're still finding feathers for months afterwards#mav tried to defend himself that Ice's cooking is just too good to resist#everyone knows that you never take iceman's food#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#ron slider kerner
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Ice: Hey kiddo, breakfast is ready.
Baby Bradley: Thanks. Should I give the old bitch some, too? I think he's upstairs.
Ice: We've already talked about this. Slider called Mav that ONCE in the heat of an argument and you are NOT supposed to repeat it.
Ice: Also, yes.
#slider and mav live to antagonise each other#they're constantly arguing#and slider will insult mav at any given opportunity#everyone thinks that they hate each other#but if you say something bad about one of them in front of the other#you better pray to god that they go easy on you#because you're about to get your ass kicked#ice is so used to their bullshit by now that he doesn’t question it#but now bradley has started picking up on their language and he is not impressed#time for the tom kazansky eyebrows of disapproval#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#bradley rooster bradshaw#ron slider kerner#mavdad and icepops#dadmiral ice
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Ice: Have you ever read something so explicit that you feel like you need to go to church and wash your eyes in holy water?
Maverick: Send it to me.
Ice: No, you're in a meeting.
Mav: So are you! And you're the one reading explicit things during Cain's rant, so don't you give me the eyebrows of judgement from across the room. I see you, Ice.
#ice googling new ways to rail mav in the middle of important admiral meetings#he's just as bored of the politics as mav is#ice is just a bit better at hiding it#they're one step away from sexting in a meeting#slider made the mistake of reading Ice's messages over his shoulder one time#never again#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#ice hates admiral cain almost as much as cain hates mav#he is the king of passive aggression toward the drone admiral#Ice's eyebrows of judgement are famous throughout the navy
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Ice: OK Bradley, let's go through your homework. Which class first?
7 year old Bradley: Maths first, we're doing adding.
Ice, looking at the worksheet: Right. So if Mav has 16 cans of diet coke-
Bradley: Why does Mav have 16 cans of diet coke?
Mav, struggling to carry 16 cans of diet coke into the kitchen: None of your business, Baby Goose.
#ice was the parent that helped with bradleys homework#mav tried but would get confused because it wasn’t the method he was taught#i dont know why mav has so many cans of diet coke#neither does ice#its better to just let mav do what he's gonna do#dont try to understand his actions#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#bradley rooster bradshaw#mavdad and icepops#mavdad#dadmiral ice
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Mav: You know, when I was your age-
Rooster: You know, when I was your height...
Mav:
Rooster: *already running away*
Mav: GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!
#ice caught it all on video#sent straight to the flyboys group chat#slider had to leave a meeting because it made him laugh so much#bradley asked ice to send him the video too#he then sent it to the dagger group chat#poor mav#he's just a little guy#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#top gun maverick#bradley rooster bradshaw#mavdad and icepops#mavdad
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Ice: You know, Mav, I'm glad we are keeping our anniversary simple this year.
Mav: Yeah, me too.
Mav: *frantically waving off the marching band*
Mav: Ooh, look over there Ice!
Mav: *shoving Ice so that he's facing away from the plane above them sky-writing their initials in a heart*
#mav is a secret romantic#he thinks he's being secretive and getting away with it#but ice 100% knows#he sees all of the things mav had put on for him#and melts#they're so in love#but mav is also a dumbass#that sky-writing is not gonna disappear quickly#of course ice is gonna see it#so mav will pretend that its for some other couple with the same initials as them#but he's blushing so much that ice knows its actually for him#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky
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The new bartender at the Hard Deck: That'll be $20.
Mav: I don't have the money.
Bartender: ...Then I'm sorry but I can't sell this to you.
Mav, sliding a $20 bill across the counter sneakily, like it's a bribe: How about now?
Bartender:
Ice, from the other side of the bar: Mav, stop fucking with the poor dude.
#mav is his usual gremlin self#ice has an internal chaos sensor that goes off whenever mav is causing trouble#mav has to test the new staff and see if they can keep up with his antics#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky
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Ice: Honey bun?
Mav: Yes?
Ice, blushing: I meant, would you like one?
Mav: Oh. Yeah, thanks. Sugar?
Ice: Yes?
Mav, also blushing: I was just asking if you want sugar in your coffee.
Ice, flustered: Oh, yes please.
*Both flustered and avoiding eye contact*
Goose, at the table, head in hands: This is painful to watch.
Slider, sighing: I'm embarrassed for them.
#they are both idiots#they are boyfriends your honor#icemav braincells cancel each other out to leave them both stuttering blushing messes#they're just so perfect for each other#goose and slider suffering through these two idiots and their pining#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#ron slider kerner#nick goose bradshaw
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Mav: Did you like my pancakes?
Ice: Yeah, they were lovely.
Slider: That's a lie. You said he used too much cinnamon.
Ice: Don't listen to him, he's an idiot.
Mav: Did you like the omelette I made you?
Ice: Yes, it was delicious.
Slider: You said it tasted like feet.
Mav: Do you like any of my cooking, Ice?
Ice: I like your grilled cheese.
Slider: You said he burned it last night.
Ice: Jesus fucking Christ, Slider! Shut the hell up!
#slider lives to antagonise mav and cause mischief#poor mav is trying his best but he's just so bad at cooking#its edible but its not good#ice will eat all of it though because he loves mav#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#ron slider kerner
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[Baby Bradley always with the jokes]
Bradley: What mouse walks on two legs?
Mav: I don't know.
Bradley: Mickey! Okay, what duck walks on two legs?
Mav: Donald.
Bradley: No. All of them!
Mav: This is the last time you make a fool of me in my own house, goddammit.
#ice was crying with laughter watching from the doorway#he definitely told slider about it#who then never let mav forget that he was outsmarted by a 7 year old telling disney jokes#i just love the icemav with baby goose family dynamics#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#bradley rooster bradshaw#mavdad#mavdad and icepops
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