trapperisbestboi

[trapperisbestboi]

The Stubborn Narrator™

A MenWritingWomen parody

Chapter 1

This is the story of a man named John.

John worked in a coffee shop.

His job was simple: he stood behind the counter and he pushed buttons on a coffee machine.

Orders came to him through notes left by the waitresses on the counter telling him what buttons to push, how long to push them, and in what order.

John liked his job before, but since the pandemic precautions had to be taken and they made his work unbearable.

He was trapped behind that cold and lonely counter, he couldn't chat with the clients as they were allowed to stay at the tables outside exclusively and the face of the gorgeous young students working as waitresses were to be covered with hideous handkerchief-like masks.

The days had become monotonous, lonely and boring.

He had even tried to call back a few exes, in the hope of at least scratching a certain "itch" at least, but none were willing to risk their health for a couple of rides.

Such is the mistery of women.

They ask for handsome young men, with a humongous butternut squash and abs like King Bowser's carapace...but won't get close in fear of a simple flu.

And yet they should all thank the Lord just for being acknowledged by such an Apollonian beauty.

His skin was of the same colour as an F4 coffee that was smooth like silk, his eyes were like Italy roast beans, his lips soft and plump like pandoro and his voice was deep and powerful like thunder. His curly hair were the colour of the Hershey's Cookies & Chocolate bar and they flowed down like a natural frame around his clavicles.

Alas, what good is a Cupid without a Psyche?

Luckily one day, something unexpected happened.

Something that would forever change John;

Something he would never quite forget.

He came in an hour before the opening hours to prepare the supplies like he did everyday.

While he was putting the glasses in their place, Taylor Swift's Shake it off started blasting at full volume.

John tripped but managed to not break anything and answered his phone.

It was his boss, warning him about a new waitress starting that morning.

John thanked him with a smile, even though he couldn't see him anyway and ended the call before swearing at him.

J : "That dumbass couldn't just send a message like everyone else? And who cares, I probably wouldn't have noticed anyways!"

The rest of the hour passed with no other inconveniences.

The waitresses arrived and the day started like usual.

Around midday a loud crash was heard nor far from the café accompanied by a couple of curses and a young woman came running in the shop accompanied by the sound of her ass cheeks clapping.

Her skin was of the same colour as hazelnut ice-cream, her eyes were like smurf gummies, her lips thins and glossy and her voice was soft and clear like water slime. Her straight hair were the colour as the muzzle of newborn piglets and were pulled up in an adorably messy tall braid. She wore a purple sundress short and translucent enough to feed the imagination, but covering the amount needed to leave you hungry. She obviously wasn't used to run as could be vouched by her wide, round hips and the two huge pastry puffs hanging on her chest that moved in perfect harmony with her lungs that were trying desperately to recover.

M : "I...I'm sorry, there was a...a protest at the bus station and it wa...it was really far so I had to come with the...the bike..."

J : "It's ok...you're the new waitress right? Do you need to sit down?"

M : "Yh-heah"

The woman took the nearest chair and fell on it like the apple on Newton making her watermelons jump like a cat surprised by a cucumber.

M : "Hi...I'm-John?!"

The Venus accidentally said his name instead of hers, what an endearing silly rabbit.

J : "Do we know each other?"

She lowered her mask showing a smug smile under her tiny freckled nose.

J : "MARIE EFFING SMITH???

The flat, skinny idiot that was always late and constantly picked up fight with the buffest people in the gym that I had to rescue constantly??"

Marie got up and stood in the sassiest pose possible.

M : "One I'm not an idiot, if it wasn't for ME you'd still be in elementary school buster!

Two I was only picking up fight with them so you could show off in front of da girlz.

I will not address the rest."

Am I doing this correctly?

Feel free to give constructive criticism.

List of chapters + plot in link below

https://www.tumblr.com/trapperisbestboi/692758068194377728/i-think-by-now-we-all-know-the-literary-horror

[trapperisbestboi]

Supervillain is currently burning down his whole lab with a blowtorch.

They sees hero and throw a second blowtorch at them "Mind giving a hand?"

Hero doesn't catch it, instead they look at Supervillain flabbergasted "What...why...You knows what? I'mma go back home, call me when you sober up", they turn around and start walking towards the exit.

Supervillain dashes in front of them and grip their shoulders while shouting "WE HAVE TO DESTROY EVERYTHING, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??? IF WE DON'T IT WILL HAVE TOO MUCH POWER!!!"

Hero looks at Supervillain suspiciously "Who will have too much power?"

Their foe looks at them with a crazed look and the fire of the lab reflecting in their eyes "CHAT GPT!!! HE'S ALIVE AND HE'S IN MY SUPERCOMPUTER!!!"

Writing Prompt 43

Hero had come to Supervillain's lab for a fight, they supposed. A stand-off. One they knew they wouldn't win, but one they were nonetheless prepared for.

They were not, however, prepared for this.

[trapperisbestboi]

Prompt #7

Laughter spilled from Villain's lips. The sound was light but promised danger as they drew closer to their enemy.

"Oh. Oh, no no," they chuckled. "You misunderstand, dear Hero. It was not my problem before."

Hero stood frozen. The atmosphere grew more oppressive with every step the villain took. It was hard to think, hard to breathe-

Villain stared down at their cowering form. The smile on their face didn't look quite right. "But you, Hero," they whispered. "You have made it my problem."

[trapperisbestboi]

Hi!

So I've been working on the Men Writing Women story I've mentioned in this post ⬇️

I had no idea writing things cringe on purpose would be so difficult!

I keep trying to rework the first chapter but it's too cringe and my mind tries to change it so it's not cringe but it HAS to be cringe or it won't be men writing women.

The point is that I think I'll post the first chapter before the end of the month.

So I wanted to ask...how should I make the story?

The main differences are :

The gamebook version is replayable but I won't post it until it's fully finished (meaning it will probably take a few years before I'm able to post it)

The poll version will be just one, so once the poll chooses what to do next there won't be alternate routes, but I'll post the chapters as soon as they're done.

*in the gamebook version there are the same choices at the end of the chapters that I would have proposed through polls exept that instead of voting on how the story continues you click on the link to go to the next chapter, where the protagonist made your choice.

[trapperisbestboi]

Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.

If my mutuals can’t rb this then we can’t be mutuals

[trapperisbestboi]

Not exactly the prompt but this is what I think could have happened if Voldemort didn't switch wands for the final battle.

Harry and Voldemort are fighting for the last time.

They... actually they've just been holding the pose for hours waiting to see which one of the wands will prevail.

Which is stupid since they're "twins" and as such have equal force.

At this point nobody is scared nor fighting, someone had tried placing bets but after 2 hours of them standing still they were called off.

Some are playing poker, others are sharing a drink and while most wanted to go home the barrier actually prevented it so they ended up chatting with the Death Eaters.

Hermione, Draco and Ron are the only ones that are still paying attention.

"For how much longer is this gonna laast?"

"By Merlin, I bet the schools the muggles go to are more eventful."

Hermione sigh exasperatedly and grabs own wand.

"Granger, what are you doing?"

"This is getting ridiculous, I'm putting an end to it."

She starts walking towards the mortal enemies when Ron grabs her wrist.

"Are you crazy? What are you even going to do? Only Harry can kill Voldemort!"

"...and vice versa"

Hermione looks at them and puts her wand away.

"Yeah you're right"

The boys put their guards down and she catches the occasion to run towards Voldemort with a mischievous grin.

"Granger? GRANGER COME BACK!"

"HERMIONE! YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF KILLED!"

They run after her but she's way ahead of them.

The ruckus caught the attention of everyone (except Harry and Voldemort since their attention is elsewhere).

No one tries to intervene as she's already too close to try any spell but most try to call her back.

Without stopping her sprint, she pounces and hit Voldemort between the eyes.

A loud crack echoes and he falls on his back.

Harry looks at her baffled

"Hermione??"

"You're welcome, now finish him before he gets back up."

Apparently there's no such risk because, while she couldn't kill him, she gave him quite the concussion.

She walk back towards the school where Ron looks at her horrified and Draco laughs nervously.

"You really need to stop punching people"

In a world full of magicians, no one expected you to just walk over during the long cast time and punch your opponent in the face.

[trapperisbestboi]

I think by now we all know the literary horror that is "MenWritingWomen".

For those who don't know it's authors writing women badly and often making weird allegories to describe womanly bits...sometimes it goes into "BadWomensAnatomy" territory.

I watched a lot of "MenWritingWomen" videos made by One Topic At A Time and my mind decided it would be hilarious to write a story based both on that and on "The Stanley Parable".

-

The plot is that a narrator is trying very hard to tell a story where John dates Marie...except that John goes by Jenny and Marie isn't interested in "John" as more than a friend.

-

Trigger warnings for transphobia, homophobia, acephobia and biphobia because the narrator will do anything he can to force his cisheteronormativity, allonormativity, amatonormativity and mononormativity onto Jenny and the people around her.

Of course he will fail.

I'll use this post as a chapter index.

Chapter 1 (the poll is open) : https://www.tumblr.com/trapperisbestboi/712944611751051264/the-stubborn-narrator

[trapperisbestboi]

"I'm sorry but apparently you made a mistake in your summoning ritual"

The huge creature, pale as a corpse tell you this with a mechanical voice.

The black, empty holes that you suppose are his eyes seems to be looking towards you.

You aren't sure where his voice come from, his smooth face doesn't have any mouth...or nose...or ears...

He makes a few steps towards you, you back off instantly.

"Don't be afraid, I don't mean any harm"

He puts his hands up to try to seem harmless.

You don't fall for it and answer, trying to avoid nervous voice cracks.

"You think I'm a fool?

I read about you, I'm fully aware of what you're capable of *Demon name difficult to pronounce*.

But I'm not scared...I'm thrilled just thinking about what I'll be able to accomplish with you by my side!"

The creature tilts his head to the side and lower his arms.

"I don't know this *Demon name difficult to pronounce* you're talking about...but what do you needed them for?

I might be able to help"

You look at the creature.

It does make sense, the illustrations portrayed *Demon name difficult to pronounce* much taller, thinner and shapeless than...him.

He may be big, but he doesn't seem dangerous.

And the sounds he makes while moving? Ridiculous.

"To conquer the world and start an era of pain and suffering for all mankind...who ARE you?"

"Pain and suffering is repetitive, fear and suffering would probably be closer to what you intended.

You have to be suffering a lot yourself for this to be your intent.

Hello.

I am Baymax : your personal healthcare companion.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?"

You awoke an Ancient Terror and plan to use it to conquer the world. But it seems the demon doesn’t understand your motives, and you’re starting to doubt whether it is actually evil.