totallynotready-blog

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After months of trying to think of reasons about why what she did was so wrong, after months of trying to make new friends.. I think I want to be with her instead. The person that would miss me is gone anyway, right?

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It’s 3:44am and I have had one of the best nights of my life. I actually went out to a club.. lol and if you knew me you would know that is like nonexistent in my life. But nonetheless I had a great time and all I did was sit and drink. Then I got home.. it’s like, it almost doesn’t matter what I do anymore. I was fine. I worked from 7am to 11am (short day) and I got my eyelashes and my eyebrows done. Getting to the tech’s studio lately has been hard because of all the construction, but today there was actually an opening in the street directly to where I needed to go. Rather than having to take a 10 min detour. Everything in my day was going so smoothly it almost didn’t feel real. 

It’s 3:55am and all I can think about is the time when my best friend asked me to go out to a strip club with her on her birthday a couple years back. I didn’t go. Why? My anxiety at the time would have never allowed me to go into an actual strip club. Now I’m sitting here, and I feel awful. I had the time of my life tonight and all I can think of is how I didn’t go out with my bestfriend on her birthday a couple years back. 

Maybe if I could’ve womened up and just gone out with her. Just had fun with her, even if I didn’t feel the same way she did... who cares... maybe she would still be here.

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My Bestfriend is gone

I need to figure out a way to cope so here I am. My person is gone and she left on her own accord, and I don’t know how to take that. It’s been 4 months but everyday I wake up it feels like the first day I found out she was no longer with us. The crazy thing is, is that I didn’t blame myself. Not initially.. but the loneliness I feel now is suffocating. I never have and never will have anyone like her again. She didn’t want to be here and it’s just so fucked up because neither did I. But now I’m stuck here, and I personally couldn’t imagine ending my life with my own hands... and that’s only because my best fucking friend did. Without me. So now I’m stuck to feel whatever these nauseating feelings are alone. 

Also, I don’t think when peoples’ loved ones take their lives they blame themselves just because they genuinely feel like they could have prolonged their lives.. granted I could have for her like I have many times before, but they blame themselves because of the alienation they most likely feel when they are gone. I knew my person was gone almost 4 days before it was made public.. I was told not to say anything out of respect for her family and I did that.. I was told I was going to be kept in the loop so I wouldn’t be blindsided.. 

I woke up that morning, opened Facebook on my phone.. and all I saw was her senior photo.. everywhere. I had not been able to look at even her name without breaking down, let alone a picture. I was never kept in any loops, I wasn’t even important in her life it felt, and still feels that way. Her sister wouldn’t even respond to me.. and please understand... I 10000000% get that they are hurting more than I possibly will ever be able to understand. But they also had each other to hug and speak to. I was alone, my person was gone because she wanted to leave. Why is it at almost 1am you wouldn’t feel comfortable calling me? Why did she leave a card with her extremely toxic and horrible exs named attached to it??? Why did I find out because I had to reach out to 4-5 different people who knew my bestfriend was fucking dead? Why did she do this to herself? 

I was hoping for so long that maybe her sister would reach out to me saying she had a note of some sort, an explanation, anything. 

It’s been 4 months and I’m just here while she’s in the ground.. 

We were on a dance team together, we had so many group chats from the past.. the first thing one of this girls said in this chat that hasn’t been active in years...., “Have you guys heard about ------? Is everyone okay?”

Excuse me?

WHERE WAS THIS ENERGY WHEN SHE WAS HERE?

WAS SHE OKAY?

Because I’ve never seen or heard you ask her.  

I say all that to say this, we blame ourselves because we are now alone and there isn’t anyone around to tell us otherwise. We blame ourselves because when you reach out to someone and they say, “I need time to process this before I’m able to speak about it”.. am I crazy? Or did you not speak to her the past how many years? Imagine the one individual you reached out to during this whole situation telling you they need to process YOUR bestfriends death before they are able to allow you to confide in them. Was there something I did in the past to make them even say that? Was there something my person and that bitch had that we didn’t??? THIS is why we blame ourselves. The rest of my life will just be a big ass question mark, and I’m just not mentally strong enough to keep doing this to myself.

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Animation

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Me x1000

me

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Why do I choose pain when I can choose happiness?

Poets Love Her (via poetsloveher)

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