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See you in hell

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Humber Bay Park, Toronto, May 2017

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March 2017

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🤳🏽

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South Etobicoke, March 2017

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Winter wonderland Sauble Beach Dec 2016

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Starry night. Sauble Beach, ON. Nov 2016

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Bruce Trail, Tobermory, ON. Nov 2016

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Good morning,

Remember: it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to want to yell, cry, or shout until your face turns blue and some Oompa Loompas roll you away. It’s ok to admit you’re hurting or scared; it doesn’t make you terrible or unloveable or any of the things your mind tries to tell you. Its ok to try and fail and try again. These are the very things that make you human. These are the things that make me love you and believe in you. These are the things that keep me holding your hand, holding it tightly and with all the love I have in my body.

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Sauble Beach September 2016

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Sauble Beach September 2016

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Lake Huron/Sauble River

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Sometimes, I don't want to be here.

CW: Suicide

It’s Suicide Prevention Day, so in the interest of being totally honest:

I’ve struggled with these feelings before. Sometimes I still do.

I don’t plan. I don’t have serious thoughts about it anymore. When I get to my lowest, I just want to exist in a sensory deprivation chamber until I feel like I can face the world. I never want to die.

But once, a long time ago, I did try. I won’t go into detail, because the details aren’t important. I tried, and I, thankfully, failed.

Shit, life is really hard. And it’s harder for some of us than others, even when it looks like we’ve got things together. You don’t know what people are hiding. And your life doesn’t have to seem terrible outwardly for you to feel like you can’t handle it anymore.

I’m not turning this into a self pity, “oh everyone listen to my sad story of how I hate myself and sometimes I don’t know how I’ll make it to the next moment” post. It’s not about me. It’s about you, any of you, who are struggling.

I read this brilliant letter by Caitlin Moran once. In it, she said you never, ever, in this life, have to make it past more than the next sixty seconds.

Can you hold off on hurting yourself for sixty seconds? Can you use those sixty seconds to call someone?

You can. You can, I promise you. I also promise you that so many people love you, and want you here. There’d be a little you shaped hole in the world and we would miss you. Someone out there is waiting for you - someone out there wants to welcome you home.

I’m not going to tell you life is a bed of roses and just breathe for sixty seconds then you’ll be alright. That’s bullshit, and you know it. Life is hard. Life is damn hard. But tucked in there are spit out your drink from laughing moments and people who will smile at you because of something you said, and you’ll see it reach their eyes. There are puppies and kittens and there are hands waiting to hold yours and people you haven’t met yet who will love you so much.

There’s so much waiting for you. I promise. I’ve been making it from one sixty second block to the next for about ten years now. I’m still here. Shit’s still hard. But I’m so glad I’m here. I’d have missed out on so much.

And there are people who will understand. Who will want to tuck you up on their sofas in blankets and feed you pasta, because they love you and want to see you smile that genuine smile they know is there, beneath it all.

Stick around. Do whatever you need to do to stick around and don’t be ashamed of it. Just. Stay.

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