thislifeilive93

[thislifeilive93]

Back again

You would think with 30 approaching that I would have things a little more together and that communication would be easier but here we are running back to a safe place trying to just get it all out.

Holidays are approaching but lets be honest they are not the problem. Its situations that have been present all year and now we have to "work it out" to make it look like we are something we are not.

This past year has been a lot of learning and a lot of trial and error. I have found myself depressed and stressed and I looked at the people I was around and the conversations being said and I removed myself. No one asked why and I only bothered to mention some things but most of it I kept to myself. Now I would say keeping my mouth shut is kicking my tush because everyone believe my feelings have come about from a dear friend of mine when in reality I just release everything I have bottled up when she is around. I get it all out and then we move on.

Family doesn't seem like family and everything just feels hypocritical. I am trapped and everything is blowing up so I apologize but not for what everyone else is seeing I am apologizing for what I know is true. My heart is hurt and I just dont have the strength to defend myself. Because defending yourself just looks like youre being defensive.

I have my faults I am not perfect my anger can turn me cold and harsh and I am not afraid to show that. I need to learn to find healthy ways to ease my anger. My friends helped me through that, she was the one who listened and let me speak complete nonsense until I felt better. She validated how I felt and didnt take away from it, she told me when I was in the wrong and what I didnt want to hear. People think she is what causes the bad but its the stress of their presents and actions that set me off shes just around when I am the most heated because I dont want to feel alone in a crowded room.

I don't know what the future holds but I know I dont want to keep feeling the way I do.

[thislifeilive93]

Ever just wake up one day and your whole life is not what you planned. Well try going to the emergency room for a back injury you got while doing cross fit and walk out being informed you’re six weeks pregnant. That was my life 20 weeks ago and let me tell you it’s been just as much as a shit show since. 

I have always dreamed of being a mom, in all reality all I have ever wanted to be is a stay at home mom. I wanted the fifties housewife life without the abusive husband. Instead I am a single 24 year old who is just really learning how to be an adult, managing relationships that seem to only end in close friendships instead of actual partners and a job that I am underpaid and over qualified for. And as of the end of February I am a momma. 

I balled my eyes out and went into sheer panic when I found out, I had no idea what I was going to do or how on earth I was going to tell the “baby daddy”. I wasn’t ready for this, it was not what I had wanted. So I took a few days got my thoughts in order and tried to put together a plan. Of course your plans never work out and you end up returning to the same mental state you were in when you first found out over and over and over again, but ya know no big deal. 

Well here I am 26 weeks preggers. Finally over the constantly getting sick, welcoming all the baby kicks stage and I think I’m finally settling into the idea that I am about to be a mom. The past six months have been hard because not only am I pregnant but I am handling all the stressers that come from being a single mom. Rumors spreading, judgmental opinions, continuous self doubt, anxiety attacks, and trying to work through depression that makes you unable to get out of bed or wake up in the morning. People say pregnancy is a beautiful thing, well sometimes its just not.  

However at the end of the day no matter what I have been through or what the opinions of others have been I have gone to bed knowing that I am going to love the shit out of the little human growing inside me. He (oh yeah forgot to mention IT’S A BOY) is making me into a better person because I am constantly working towards greatness for him. He isn’t even here yet and he is the center of my whole world. 

I don’t like stating that life has a plan because I feel as if I have no control but that is not true. We still have choices, it’s in those choices in which faith guides us, gives us strength, and never allows us to take on more than we can handle even if we don’t quite understand that right away. 

I’m nervous as hell but you know what, life happens.

S.

[thislifeilive93]

Someone said something to me recently that really just threw me off guard. I was talking about the fact that I have been in a really dark place that I cannot seem to get myself out of for one reason or another. They then proceeded to tell me that I must not be that bad, I post happy pictures on social media all the time. 

Wait What?

Since when does social media posts define whether or not I am actually doing okay... 

I am twenty-four and I am a very anxious human, I have many panic attacks. Some for no good reason but lately I am on point (I mean clearly not something I should be on point about but something not nothing). I am a photo person, it distracts me, takes my mind off things. And yes I take too many photos of myself but that only because I am trying to convince myself I am beautiful.

I use social media to hide... not saying that I use it to make my life seem like it’s perfect but it’s nice to think others might see me as having my life somewhat together. Then the next issues results in “Well why do you care what other people think?”. Here’s the thing, I care about the positives when it comes to what people think about me because there are very little that I see in myself. Oh you find that sad and pathetic... welp fuck off. For those of you who get where I am coming from and not finding me completely pitiful, Thank You! 

A smile in a picture can mean nothing more than a moment, whether that moment be true or one you’re trying to act as if it’s all okay, it’s a moment worth celebrating over. We are all fighting battles and some that people know nothing about because they are battles where words are better left unspoken for our own protection. If someone is opening up and sharing, do not, Wait let me say that a little louder for the people in the back... DO NOT, bring up the fact “well you seem fine to me, or you seem fine to me because of your social media”. At that point you’ve just allowed time for the person to close their doors yet again and if they’re just not looking to put up a fight for them selves they’ll probably just say something along the lines of “you’re right, I’m fine, probably just overthinking”. Because that’s exactly what I did. 

[thislifeilive93]

#MeToo

Over the past few months “Me Too” has become quite the movement. I have looked up to so many who have been willing to share their stories. I have struggled with my story for years, I have not been through the worst but I have been through enough and even in my twenties I have had experiences that have put me in the category of “Me Too”. I am almost disappointed in myself that I am still such a vulnerable target but I constantly have to remind myself that it is not my fault and I am a survivor. To include everything I am going to break it up into mini sections, although some of my past is completely blocked out I remember most. Please bear with me… 

From the beginning: 

Let me give a brief background to my life that is very important to point out before I begin. I have had three “fathers” in my life and it is crucial to not get them mixed up. First there is my biological father, I had contact with him up until my eighth grade year and he is the worst human being I have ever been around. My Step Father who for the longest time was mentally and physically abusive to my mother and left us my junior year of high school. Him and my mother made up and built a friendship over the past five years but I could never forgive him; he passed away this past summer. Then there is my father who is the biological father of my sisters. He is the most amazing man I have ever met, he protected me as a child the best that he could and he was always there for me up until he passed away my senior year of high school. He is the only one I ever speak of when talking to those who don’t know me, he is my “short story” my “happy story”. 

Biological Father: 

I cannot tell you when it started or what my first memory is, my time line is scattered which by the way is one of the hardest parts of having to sit up in front of lawyers and a jury trying to keep your story strait each time.  There are moments I remember in explicit detail. Like spending my birthday in his white commercial van (the stereo type is real) and having to return a favor after getting my hit clips. Or being offered to learn how to drive and then having there be an exception. It started with the small thing and it began to get worse and worse. From a young age from what I can remember five years to about the age of eleven. I tried once to tell my mom and when she confronted him he told her I was just trying to get my parent back together, which is the most disgusting and repulsive thing I have ever heard. I met a girl who lived next door who he had also assaulted; we bonded and made a pact that we would protect each other. It worked until the time actually came when I had to protect her and I couldn’t get myself to scream, I couldn’t make a sound. Over time I began to get brave and I threatened him, eventually he stopped with me but continued with her. Our eighth grade year she finally told someone who told her counselor, they then called my school and I was called down to the principles office. I remember that moment perfectly; I was ashamed and broken. I fell apart but shared everything I could remember when I asked in detail. I had two trials since it happened in two different counties. The district attorney for Wayne county said it was the worst case he has ever had to take on. In both counties he was sentenced 25 to life. The only comfort I found it that was that he couldn’t do to someone else what he did to me. 

Babysitter’s worst fear: 

The stories that follow are not as traumatic or long as the first but each and every one of them plays a role. When I was in middle school I started babysitting for families that were around the trailer park that I lived in. It was an easy way to make money and I could walk to their houses. I started working for a family who was not wealthy and very under educated, however I was always raised to not judge others. The day I quit was the day the father came home and I was holding the baby girl and as he sat down next to me he put his hand up my shirt and told me how thankful he was that I was there. His wife was not home. I was terrified and so I handed over the little girl, I left and I never came back. Again ashamed and confused I told no one until years later. 

Sisters Boyfriend: 

My sister started dating a guy who was annoying but also kind of entertaining to be around. You know, until he kept messing around a little too much and tried touching me in places that were not okay after tickling me for too long. 

Coworker at the bar: 

I worked at the bar for the longest time and one shift it was a young college guy and myself who would be left to close down shop. The comments where almost normal but when he pulled me against him from behind and started the sexual comments it wasn’t. Then as we walked outside he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me like it was welcome. It was three in the morning I was all-alone. I asked my boss if I could work with someone else and instead of him being punished I was told I didn’t have to work that shift, which would cause me to lose a lot of money. My safety concern was over looked and it wasn’t that big of a deal. 

Roommates Boyfriend: 

The most recent incident was when my roommate’s boyfriend (who I also worked with) needed a ride to our apartment. Again it was late so my roommate was asleep. As I laid in my bed looking at my phone he came in my room facing me. He talked like a normal friend and then grabbed my arms pinned me to the bed and kissed me as if it was okay. He said not to speak and pulled one of my hands to his penis. He finally said we can’t as if I wanted to and got up and left. I flew up and locked my door. I never was alone in my room without the door locked again. I could get up the courage to tell my roommate. I was scared and worried that no one would believe me or think it was that big of a deal. I avoided him and blocked him on everything. Eventually they broke up and I felt as though it was something she did not need to know. 

My life has been a series of #MeToo moments. I continue to try to repair myself, I am so broken but I am still standing. So many have believed that they hold the power to do whatever they want and they have been right because… “It’s not that big of a deal” and “I just took it the wrong way”. Which is complete bullshit and we should not live in a place where if we become uncomfortable or unsafe we should be able to speak up and be stood up for. There should be consequences and we as victims should feel like we are protected, NO EXCEPTIONS. This applies to those victimized by women as much as those by men. Enough is enough. It’s terrifying to speak up but it is also empowering. It gives you back some sense of self. To all of you reading this I encourage you if you have a #MeToo story just know that someone is listening and you are not alone. Together we are one, we have survived, and no matter what they took from us we are alive.

[thislifeilive93]

Welcome to my Rock Bottom

I started this blog a little over two years ago. More for myself than for anyone else. I suffer from major anxiety so after reading countless non fictions about women in their twenties, I thought that maybe writing out my life may help. I have to say I fail majorly when it comes to keeping up with it... but I guess that’s all thanks to the mess I call my life. Sometimes I don’t have time to sit down and type it out. Well I am back again, this time because I am pretty sure I have hit another rock bottom. 

“Rock Bottom” is such a funny place to me. We go through so much in life and we think that our life is ending, then it gets a tiny bit better, but then you hit “rock bottom”. A new level of low in your life where you just don’t see yourself escaping from and this time always seems to be far worst from the last. Maybe it is our inability to truly get over our past where we sweep it under the rug and it just adds to the pile. Every time we get sucked back into our dark place it’s just that much messier. Who knows... but for the fact that I spent last night staring at a full bottle of pills, it’s safe to say this is officially my rock bottom. 

Now how did I get to the point where fourteen pain killers seemed like the best solution. Well that gets broken down into different segments which I will do my best to explain. My goal for this post is to not make you feel sorry for me or to strive for attention. My goal is to hopefully work through some pieces of my messy life in hopes that I feel a little relief. Also writing this for any twenty something year old who may be going through similar life situations and for them to know they are not alone because lets face it... those of us who don’t have it together are the rule and those who do are the exception (or they are just lying out of their ass to seem like they do). 

Work and Education: 

Okay I am going to start with the part of my life that could actually be worse but still kind of sucks. So truth factor I have yet to finish my bachelors degree. I have about one semester left. Which includes two spanish classes and then three extra sociology courses. Now don’t get me wrong the Sociology courses would be super easy for me to take and pass with flying colors. That is now that I am not stressing over working two jobs (a department store coordinator and a night time bartender). However the spanish is what kills me, if I don’t want to learn something I struggle. I can’t focus let alone memorize all the words and conjugations. So pretty much just having a pity party for myself which is why I am currently stuck babysitting not only juvenile delinquents but also the staff in which I work with. You see most of them are not trained in the field and have no idea how to work with these type of children, or just children in general. Yes I understand this part isn’t that bad and I still have the control to change but it still plays a role. 

Love:

Okay lets move on to the next section of my life... love. When I started this blog I was in a four year relationship with a man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Which honestly looking back I don’t know how because apart from us having a pretty good friendship, there were some pretty clear signs that we were not meant to be even early on. After that I met a man who I wasn’t in love with more in lust with that ended up being physically and verbally abusive which lead to a restraining order... so pretty good choice there Sarah. Then I spent a short time falling for a man who was clearly still in love with his crazy ex, again.. go me. And now... well now I am in love with a man who is my best friend. I have never spent so many nights at the lake sharing every little piece of myself. I don’t like talking about my past and so if I do it’s never in detail but with him it’s different. There is a connection that runs so much deeper than the physical stuff it’s, mentally too. When I say he’s my person it’s because I mean it. However there’s a catch. One he still has his ex, and then some. Meaning he’s very good at entertaining and not settling down, which you can’t hold against a person when they’re being open about it. So I gave up on the idea of spending a life with him a long time ago. Never the less the pain that goes along with loving some one who actually understands you, listens to you, is there for you, excepts you for you, and you are so god damn attracted to. It is the worst kind of heart break I have ever been through. I constantly relate the way our relationship to the Greys episode where Lexi says “ I love you, I will always love you. But I don’t want to love you, I want to be happy. And if you keep pulling me I’ll come back to you”. Yeah I felt that shit in my soul and nothing has ever been more true. 

Money: 

Money in your twenties is almost non existent especially for the twenty to twenty-five year range unless you have been blessed with wealth. Which yes I am probably bitter about the fact that some people are handed money but never the less it wasn’t their choice the sons of bitches just got lucky. I am not poor, I can pay my bills and have extra spending cash however my problem is I procrastinate. I suck at being an adult. I forget about things until the last min which has caused me to lose my car once (almost twice). Lost service on my phone a few times, only for a few hours each time. And most recently gotten my license suspended. Don’t be like me, because I know again this is a portion of my life I can control but I failed. Miserably. Now I am frantically trying to figure out how to pay for my tickets, get my car fixed because the noise I once ignored is louder than my radio goes, my rent, and my car payment (Which I also forgot to make last month.. I hate myself). I could definitely be in a more stable place but my anxiety gets so worked up I literally stop doing everything which makes things so much worse. I slightly resent my mother for not teaching me how to be better at this part of growing up but I am far more to blame.   

Personal: 

This portion as much as I want to be completely honest about, I can’t be yet. Because apparently I have someone who has it out for me and tries to blow up things by finding shit on my social media, so if that person is reading this fuck off. Never the less this part, the part I can’t share is the biggest cause to me hitting rock bottom. It’s not even the situation itself, it’s the people who surround the situation who make it impossible to breathe. I have never been put through such a hell and been manipulated to the point that I had someone tell me that my life choices have made them want to take their own life. When you have a person tell you that there is no escape from feeling like you are the biggest piece of shit. True or not. The battle in your head tells you that you are worth nothing and that clearly the world would be better off without you. Which is what lead me to the place I reached last night. Laying, staring at a bottle of pain killers. Counting to fourteen over and over thinking I had fourteen chances of taking the pain away and making the world a better place by me not being here. Fourteen chances to make all of my problem go away for good, problems that I am in complete control of but I can’t seem to fix. 

So today I am typing, typing all of this out in hopes that I can come up with a plan to save myself. One that also includes handing over the pills and getting rid of the possibly to completely lose myself. Today I try to find a way to finally fight for myself. Even though I feel like nothing I know I am not a terrible person and that it is not my fault that another person wants to push them self to the edge. My choices and my beliefs are not so wrong that I should feel guilty for them. I have been through hell and back. This is so small compared to some obstacles but non the less I know I hit a new “Rock Bottom” because I feel as though I have to save everyone else before I save myself which is not true. I can’t pull someone out of their dark place when I am stuck in mine. 

Being twenty something is hard, but we just have to continue to push through and know we are not alone. I repeat this over and over to convince myself to believe it, even if right now I might not. 

[thislifeilive93]

During the December months life had gotten kind of crazy but what else is new right. I had a surprise visit from a dear friend of mine who was up from VA visiting and she invited me on a whim of the moment trip into the city. When I say whim of the moment I mean two nights prior we were out until 2am at the bar, she invited me to go. I worked a 16 hr the next day, 9am until 12:30 am and then we left at 5am. I was exhausted but calling in that day was totally worth it.  I’ve been too Manhattan twice before, once when I was on my honors trip back in eighth grade and the other time I was on an Art Club. Neither of these times could I have free range of the city with no agenda, no rules. 

Once we arrived it took a good hour finding a semi decent parking garage, hopped onto the subway, and headed downtown which is actually called uptown (thank god Lexi was in charge because I couldn’t get use to this idea and I would have headed in the wrong direction plenty of times). The best part of the whole trip though was we went to explore during christmas so everything was festive. 

For the first time in my life I was able to see the tree at Rockefeller Center. To be completely honest when I came around that corner and looked up I was slightly surprised. For some reason I just automatically assumed that it would have been bigger, but never the less It was beautiful. 

I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect, dysfunctional get away and it was just what I needed to help with the craziness of the holiday season.  

[thislifeilive93]

Been working on feeling comfortable in my own skin and not fitting into the molds of others. 

[thislifeilive93]

Some days it’s difficult to wake up, to get out of bed, get dressed and take on the world. Your bed is you safe place it protects you and keeps the secrets of the tears you have shed over and over again.

Some days your mind wins and your depression and anxiety surround you much like the blankets you lay with every night, except today you can’t escape them. They pull you in and smother you.

Some days you push away everyone because there is absolutely no reason you should be depressed, you just are. The darkness came out of no where and how do you fix a problem that almost doesn’t exist to the rest of the world. How do you explain that some days you just cannot bare facing the world because your body cannot move.

Some days it’s difficult to wake up.

[thislifeilive93]

Summer 2017 has been the best time of my life. Sure I have had moments where I find myself slipping into the unknown sadness but those times seem to be shorter and further apart. I am also getting better at noticing what sends me into these “moods”; instead of running from them I face then and figure out how to better the situation. 

This summer has been full of adventures and learning how to put myself first. I have faded out of using the words “I’m sorry” when I know I have nothing to apologize for. This often would be followed after me sharing my feelings because I have always felt like I am too much to everyone else. Things really change when you are surrounded by the right humans. I am better at focusing on what I want and need out of life and down the road thats what is really going to matter. 

I have never had a summer where I was single, and I don’t even like using the word single because “single and ready to mingle” just pops in my head and that’s not what I am about right now. This summer I have had a new sense of freedom and thats just what I am free. I live a spontaneous life and I am constantly doing something. I use to be a homebody, always giving up the things that I wanted to be doing just waiting to see if “his” schedule would open up and leave room for me. If they don’t go out of their own way to make those sacrifices then why am I? Too many times I ended up alone doing nothing while my friends were out doing new things and constantly asking why I wasn’t around. 

I dedicated this summer to adventure, taking chances, and allowing myself to be happy no matter what that happiness looks like to someone else... and so far 2017 has yet to disappoint. For once I don’t feel like the hot mess, I feel like I am living the life I want to and I kinda have a good head on my shoulders. 

I said kinda. 

[thislifeilive93]

When You Just Know

Every time I open myself to another person there is always something. Something that makes me put up my guard, that makes me become closed off and eventually run away. I’ve never told someone my entire sorry because I’ve been tired of the “I’m sorry” and the look of awkwardness they give me after knowing what I have been through. I have a dark past but I am not broken, I may have days where it sneaks up on me and it’s hard because my anxiety takes over but I don’t want someone to feel sorry for me yet again. Well without realizing what was happening I let someone in like I never have before. 

One night we were sitting at the lake and before I knew it the words were just falling out of my mouth and when I finished I paused... I was waiting for those words to come and for me to have to respond it’s okay. This time though... they never came... my story was followed by a shared silence and a hand squeeze. It was the most comforting response, and then without pushing he told me his story, all of it. Turns out we both have a dark past but for once it was like sharing a secret that we knew we wouldn’t be judged for or we should feel ashamed of. 

My mom always told me when you meet that special person, you will know. It sounds crazy doesn’t it? To get wrapped up in the idea that you will just meet someone and you know that they are they person you could really give yourself to, with no fears, no regrets... to just be all in because “you know.” I know what she means though, and maybe I’m crazy for saying that but I found that with him. Every interaction, conversation, late night adventure, nights spent together, nights spent apart, all of it. It’s a connection I have never felt. One that is genuine and not poisonous. Every time I meet someone and start to open up they always change, they become who they really are not just who they want you to think they are. He was the same but in showing me who he really was he showed me a man that my father would be proud to have in his daughters life. That’s another reason I just know. Funny thing is we aren’t together, he’s just my best friend. 

I am in love with him. The kind of love where everything is a rush at first and you wait for it to die but then it just doesn’t happen. The kind where you want nothing else nut for that person to be happy and when you say that you mean it. Which means if you don’t end up together you would be completely happy just having them there as a best friend. But if you ever tried it out you would do nothing to mess it up because you can see yourself at the age of 80 looking up at the stars and feeling the exact same way you do now. I love him for not only who he is now but for who he has been. His stories of the past, the heart breaks, the mistakes, the moments where he felt so lost, and the moments that he turned it all around and made himself better despite all of it. He makes loving someone easy and he doesn’t even know it. 

He is one of a kind.

[thislifeilive93]

Update because I have been MIA for awhile Three months ago I started my first adult job. I am working with juvenile delinquents and although at times I want to pull my hair out I know this is exactly what I want to be doing. These kids need someone who will not give up on them no matter what and I feel like I can do that. Two months ago I lost my step father. Our relationship was always complicated because when I was 17 he left my mom and I and in some way I lost him then too. I struggle because when I was really little he was my best friend and we did everything together but as I grew older I realized what an abusive relationship him and my mother had. I had a lot of anger for him and when he passed I only hated that I never found the strength to forgive him the way my mother had. Through out everything my guy best friend the one I seem to talk about a lot. he helped me really get through it. He spent quite a few nights at the lake just listening to me talk and returning the favor and opening up and telling me things he doesn't like to share. He is my rock my best friend and I only pray I never lose him. He understands me and see me like no one ever has. He is genuine, kind, and makes me smile like no other. We are both trying to figure out or lives and what we want to do, so to have a strong relationship that is full or support and no judgement is a blessing. Now I am once again packing up my life and going somewhere new, I'm calling this place my resting spot. The place I can finally get my life back together. I’m going to be renting the upstairs of a friends house for a small fee. I want to stay until I really know what I want to do. Part of me wants to move but there are things that scare me. Then I think if I don't go now will I be able to later. I don't know; so I will be taking the next few months to get myself situated and save up some money and then reevaluate and see what I really want to do. Finally being smart and putting myself in a good place. It's nice

[thislifeilive93]

Unspoken

You can never really know the thoughts that are really going on in someones head. The thoughts that almost tend to weigh us down because we are afraid for another to hear them. You stay closed and act strong, you follow the rules and you look well kept. When I was younger I use to write poems to share my deepest thoughts. I remember in eight grade my teacher read them aloud. I don’t remember anyones reaction but I remember a feeling of release that finally someone knew. Yet somewhere along the line I stopped writing. The bad shit became to hard to jot down on paper and soon they became bottled up so deep inside I had almost forgotten they were there. That is until the weight of it all made it all come crashing at once. An array of emotion that no one could understand and everyone sees as an act of crazy. Although I think the crazy part is no one really wants to listen and that is what drives people to be crazy. 

I’ve lived my who life with depression, a depression that I cannot even begin to explain and the words of “get over it” only seem to make it worse. The man I loved made me feel as if I was unlovable due to my scars, I guess I didn’t try hard enough to “better myself”. It was then that I reached the lowest part of my life. I had no one, and so many secrets. I needed someone to save me but the words we unable to come out. I escaped but I am still not over it. Those words you spoke were branded on me. There are days now where I don’t think about it but even those are few. Ever anxiety attack, every crying episode, every time I cry over the death of my father… I think of your words that compressed my thoughts to believe that I was too damaged to be loved and that it was my own fault and I needed to get over it. 

Every spring comes around and I feel as though I have failed yet again. That is when I tend to go into the deepest holes. Avoid everyone and hope for the best. Yet this year is different. This year I was wrapped up in a place where I thought I was making connections, those connections turned out to be fake. People just being nice, yet again no one really caring about the thoughts. I was ready to run away, the weight had become too much yet again and this time I had the resources to really run. But then I met a girl, a girl who I am convinced has the same thought process as mine, I only hope her thoughts do not bring her as much pain. She doesn’t just hear me she listens. I have an array of thoughts and feelings and she takes them all without judgment and makes them seem normal and not crazy. 

And now I’ve met a man, a man who seems like his walls are almost as high as mine, who stands out because he stands quiet. My soul connects with his on a level that it has yet to do in a very long time. He is a simple man, very kind, and so far willing to take on my truest self. He knows of my anxieties and fears, and he settles them simply by being present. He is honest about his demons and faults; slowly letting me a little bit closer day by day. I am patient with this man and if our story leads to nothing I will still forever be grateful for the time I had with him. 

Both of these humans made a grand entrance just moments before I was headed out. They saved me, from what I am unsure of… self doubt, the past, my current status. They have made me feel whole. She is permanent, he may not be but both of them together right now, they are the ones who allow the weight to be lifted of all the thoughts that cross my mind. They know what’s going on inside my head and as terrifying as that is, it’s refreshing. For once I feel a happiness that I cry at the thought of. Not tears of sadness but out of the feeling of being blessed by the presence of two beautiful humans. 

[thislifeilive93]

It was like something out of a movie... 

But instead of a love story it was more of a romantic comedy. It was the moment that everyone hopes for with a few accidents and funny moments thrown in there. I could have sworn I was dreaming with the way that everything fell into place at the exact moments it did. Maybe thats all it will be, a bunch of small memories that are wrapped up into one perfectly dysfunctional night. And for me that is enough. 

[thislifeilive93]

Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride

[thislifeilive93]

Yesterday I woke up with the sun turned off my phone and ventured into the woods. I needed time to debrief and think about what I really wanted for my future. After tripping over twigs, playing in the mud, and getting the crap scared out of me by birds that appeared from no where I finally realized a couple things…

1. I am absolutely in love with this area, and if I don’t move I would be completely okay with settling in right here. 

2. I need to spend less time in the bar and more time adventuring outside. I won’t however say I need to drink a little less because even out in the woods cracking an ice cold beer is refreshing. 

3. I want to stop trying to be someone I know I am not when it comes to being intimate with another human. I use to be able to say I had never had a hook up and for some that seems like a bad thing. I can’t say that anymore, I mean I don’t regret it and it wasn’t like I turned into a girl who slept around but still. I want to spend my time getting to know someone with hopes that it could be something more. Of course I understand that it may not happen any time soon but thats okay. Im just a one guy at a time kind of a girl. 

4. I need to start taking more photographs. It is something I love more than anything and it really makes me happy. 

5. It’s time I put my foot down and start heading in the direction of having a successful career in the field that I want. I want to really make a difference in children’s lives and I can’t do that working at Marshalls and the bar. As much as I am thankful for the opportunity it is time to move on and grow up. 

All of these things seem so small and simple but I have been hiding what I really need and want for whatever reason and I think it’s about time I do me. Knowing this is what I want and clearing my head has made a huge difference, as far as my anxiety level and my over all mood.  

[thislifeilive93]

My life has consisted of me trying to get my life together, constantly organizing, making lists, ranting about how crazy everything is, and being epically disappointed when things don’t go the way I thought. I don’t know what was worse failing myself or looking like a constant failure to those around me. Everyone is constantly telling me what I could be doing better or what is better for me and then the look when I fail to meet standards. 

I am tired of feeling like I am doing something wrong. I am twenty three, I spent the last four years living for someone else tip toeing about life hiding true feelings and thoughts. Not doing things because it’s not proper or it comes across as me being a certain kind of way. I am a hot mess, I lock my keys in the car, I lose my car, I drink too much, I don’t know what I want when it come to guys so I constantly go back and forth, I sleep too much, sometimes I show a little too much skin, I curse and I am the biggest procrastinator. Like I said a hot mess. 

But ya know what I am proud of my dysfunctional self. I am tired of trying to be something Im not. I do a decent job at this thing called life and for right now that is okay because I am twenty three and I have plenty of time to get it together but for right now it’s time to be crazy, make mistakes, and live for myself. And if the people around me cannot accept it or if it’s too much that’s okay, I understand... but too damn bad. 

Here’s too embracing the mess and just rolling with the punches.

S.

[thislifeilive93]

In dire need of a vacation. Not even one that involves soaking up the sun on a 80 degree beach sipping on all the booze... although let me tell you that would be wonderful right about now but no! I am in the middle of my senior year and my brain is shot... I honestly don't think I can retain any more information. We are training for the "real world" and we are burning ourselves out for doing it. I you're like me you're juggling a job or two and trying to be a good student while maintaining a social life. Shit sucks. Don't get me wrong some of you are extremely talented and great at juggling all of this, I envy you because you do it so beautifully. I however am four shots deep in Jameson trying to keep myself from going through yet another breakdown that ends in me crying my eyes out. But it's fine, this is college, this is how it's suppose to be right? We struggle to get ahead. Not sure if my major actually agrees with that theory but again it's fine! Just a couple more days and I will be on my vacations. No work no school just time for myself and we all need that from time to time. Everyone needs that, to just step away, take a break. Whether you spend that vacation somewhere on a beach or smack dab in the middle of Ohio where there is absolutely nothing happening. Step away, breathe, and maybe cry or scream a little. It's good for you. And remember darlings you are doing fuckin amazing and you should be absolutely proud of yourself, because life is hard but you are getting out of bed everyday and concurring it one failure at a time. S.