thedarksideofkira

[thedarksideofkira]

I just feel so alone. I have so many people around me. But I feel like I have no one I can count on. I have all these people that are so called “friends”, but do I ever get invited out? Do they ever think about me? Am I even on their radar to hang out with?

I apparently am supposed to have a person I love and who loves me back. But all she seems to do is pull away constantly. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship but doesn’t want to be with anyone else and doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. But yet, that’s not a relationship.

Why is no one here when I need them? Why can’t I seem to just make friends? I have always felt so alone my whole life. I’ve never had anyone I can ever count on or that feels like they really care. I always feel so desperate trying to be friends with people. Or trying to get peoples attention. Why doesn’t anyone want my attention?

I often wonder what would happen if I just didn’t exist. It makes me wonder how many people would say I was their friend then. How many people would actually pretend to miss me. I know there would be maybe a few, apart from my family, but how many people would actually care after a day or two.

I just want to disappear. I want to hide away from the world, take copious amount of drugs and just go numb for a few days. Not feel. Not think. Just hide. Run away. I don’t want to feel this emptiness all the time. Why does it have to hurt so much, but yet feel so numb all at the same time.

[thedarksideofkira]

“Please, I want so badly for the good things to happen.”

— Sylvia Plath

[thedarksideofkira]

My depression just hurts. It’s immobilising. I have so many things I want to do, that I NEED to do but I just can’t. I physically can’t move. Why am I like this? Why does it hurt so much?

I’m happy. My life is good. But why do I have to go through this every god damn day. It’s a struggle to get up. It’s a struggle to stay motivated at work. It’s a struggle to even do daily tasks.

I just wish it would stop hurting all the damn time.

[thedarksideofkira]

Why am I never worth fighting for?

I get told I’m great and I’m adored and I’m loved but when push really comes to shove, I’m left on my own because no one was willing to fight to not let me go.

I walk away because I should or I try and do the best for me. But why would you not fight? Why do they never fight to keep me around? Am I really that disposable?

I feel worthless and unwanted. And I’m so sick of hearing well it’s their loss. Yes I agree, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Am I so easy to walk away from?

Clearly I am. Because it keeps happening. Lovers. Friends. Even my own family. All they do is walk away. They never fight. I just wish that for once I was worth fighting for.

[thedarksideofkira]

“I’m not suicidal, I’m just tired of living”

I saw this today and I couldn’t believe how much I feel this. I’ve always been so conflicted because I’ve never wanted to die but some days I just don’t want to exist. I’m just tired. I just can’t fight anymore. I just want to go into the darkness and stay there for a while, but not always forever.

[thedarksideofkira]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 2am Thoughts (@2am.texts_) on Feb 7, 2020 at 12:42pm PST

Just make it all stop

[thedarksideofkira]

[thedarksideofkira]

I’m tired of being your option, when you’re my choice.

[thedarksideofkira]

[thedarksideofkira]

Just your touch made me love you more every day

“Making love was never about you and me in a bed. We made love whenever we held hands.” - Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You

[thedarksideofkira]

“I cannot stand small talk, because I feel like there’s an elephant standing in the room shitting all over everything and nobody is saying anything. I’m just dying to say, “Hey, do you ever feel like jumping off a bridge?” or “Do you feel an emptiness inside your chest at night that is going to swallow you?” But you can’t say that at a cocktail party.”

— Paul Gilmartin

[thedarksideofkira]

I don’t know how I’ll go sleeping alone again after you’re gone.

You bring my dreams piece. Who will help my fight my demons now?

[thedarksideofkira]

Why does everything have to hurt so much?

[thedarksideofkira]

“The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.”

— Unknown

[thedarksideofkira]

I love that you love my weirdness

“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone - and finding that that’s ok with them.”

— Alain de Botton

[thedarksideofkira]

“I can’t explain what I mean. And even if I could, I’m not sure I’d feel like it.”

— J.D. Salinger

[thedarksideofkira]

God I feel so broken

What is wrong with me? I have so many feeling and emotions inside of me but do you think I could clearly communicate a single one? Do you think I could have emotional stability for once in my life?

I hide my emotions so well. I’ve been doing it since i can remember. But sometimes it hurts. And not just in a mental sense. No it physically hurts. My stomach is in knots, my throat constricts, my heart beats faster, I want to peel back my skin to stop the itch just beneath the surface.

I don’t know how to express a single one of them. Is it love? Who knows. Have I ever felt love? Maybe. Is it just obsession because I know you’re leaving soon? Possibly. I know I want you. I know I want to see you, to touch you, to just be near you. But I’m scared. I want you to want me back.

Sometimes I feel like you do. You want me around. You miss me even after a few hours. You invite me to be your plus one to events. But when you leave where does that leave us? Does this continue? Do we go our separate ways? I don’t think I can handle you being so far away with so much uncertainty. You say you want to remain friends but what does that look like? We’re “just friends” now. I try to handle the unknown and it’s been fine. But your impending departure is making it harder and harder to be so casual about things.

I wish I could tell you all of this. To explain my feelings. But when I even try it all comes out as jumbled mess. It never makes sense. And I end up sounding like a pathetic idiot.

Why am I so broken?