thealaynashow - Tumblr blog

[thealaynashow]

[thealaynashow]

[thealaynashow]

[thealaynashow]

Psst.. Imma tell you a secret about how brains work... You don’t have to believe a positive thing you say about yourself for your brain to internalise it. Going from “haha I’m so hot/clever/funny” as a joke, will eventually become a reflex and, if you say it often enough, something you’ll start to believe.

[thealaynashow]

I have so many more words. But this is all my brain would allow. If you've been through an assault just know that you aren't alone. And you don't have to do anything that you don't want to. But you should find someone to confide in. I promise it helps. It's hard and it's scary but it helps.

This is a letter..i think.

I’ve heard it said that if you have a lot of emotion or hard feelings toward something or someone you should write it down like a letter to them or that thing. And I suppose I can see where that’s helpful. I don’t know if that’s the kind of advice they give to people experiencing what I have. To be quiet honest i’m not sure how to even address a letter to someone who has done the things you’ve done. Do I call you by name? Does it go under a pseudonym? or a generalized word or name for the type of damage you’ve done. I just don’t know. Here goes nothing I suppose.

Dear person,

I suppose that will do. You know what you’ve done and so do I. I guess I don’t have to hurt myself any further than doing this will. What can I possibly say to you. Sometimes thinking of you makes my blood boil. Sometimes it makes me unbelievably sad and scared. Most of the time though, it just stops me. Briefly. Usually not long enough for anyone else to notice. But long enough for me to remember you exist. I hate that about you. Well, what frustrates me is I try my hardest not to be a hateful person. I don’t like the way hating something or the implication of it makes me feel. I don’t want to hate you. I don’t want to be angry, or sad, or so deeply upset that it takes over my entire thinking process. Because then I’m forced to think about it. About the things you’ve done to me. You know about force. Well, I suppose you would probably claim you don’t. But trust me. You do. I’m the one that is, once again, FORCED to remember all the details.

I don’t like writing to you but fuck these feelings need to go somewhere. And I know that people will criticize. Not criticize but offer what they deem to be helpful advice. A push toward justice. Or at least a therapist. And one of those things i’m perfectly capable of. I actually like therapy. Except, I like it because they tell me i’m doing a good job at being self aware and being insightful because I only give them half truths and never open up about the real issues. You know my current therapist doesn’t even know about you? Yeah, so hence the writing. Because I can’t keep all of this bottled inside the confines of my mind. To sit and stew and find more reasons to blame myself for you being the way that you are. I don’t like writing to you because I have to face it. It took me a week to tell my best friend and months. MONTHS to tell my family. The people who needed to know so that I could be assured they wouldn’t have you around and i would never have to see you again. Not in a legal sense. Just that they will never be friends with and talk to you ever again. Because that’s all I have the strength for. That’s not true. I have the emotional strength to deal with a trial or whatever may come of it. But I suppose in the idea of self preservation and the notion that i’m well aware it’s a fight I likely wouldn’t win, I know when to pick my battles.

You don’t deserve to have the absolute choke hold the trauma you caused has on my health. You definetly don’t deserve the lifestyle you continue to live while I deal with the pieces of myself left behind after the strom. I deserve the peace you seem to have found yourself in. and eventually I will. I’m not a vengeful person. I like to wish well for others and I typically find myself to be an optimist. But I hope you lose the contentness you’re in. I hope something comes along that crashes in and steals your sense of security like you did to me. I say something. Because i know it wont be me.

Another one of your old friends is trying to think of a way that you can be for lack of better term called out. So that you have to face some sort of consequence for the way you violated me. Because he is like my brother. Not biologically but he is my brother. Like you said you were supposed to be. Like things should have been. You hurt my biological brother too. You broke his trust. You’ve broken all of us in someway.You never just hurt the victim. I hate that word. ..victim but I suppose thats what I am.

You’ve made me some sort of statistic. I know that no one would ever admit to it but, when these things happen people tend to follow a protocol. No they don’t really see you differently but they do. Some people just don’t know how to talk to the victim so they just don’t.Some people treat you like a patient that needs to be babied and nursed back to health.Some..well, it’s similar to grief right? When someone loses someone they love. What do you say? I’m sorry for your loss. They’re in a better place. If you need ANYTHING just let me know. And they mean it.. Kind of.. I think. But it’s also just what you say. Because no one really actually knows. And this is like that. No one knows what to say. They repeat things theyve seen or heard on tv. Did you go to the police? You’re strong, this isn’t your fault you’ll get through this. I really thing you should say something. There are more things but I can’t think of them. Statute of limitations and what not. And listen I’m not upset at all with anyone who is offering support because it comes from a place of love. Ugh why am I explaining this to you? But like death. Again you don’t know how to respond. There is no correct way. So you just say thank you. For what? For being nice i suppose. But we never really reach out do we. No we do just what i’m doing. Or I suppose I’m kind of on the healthier end of things.I could do drugs to forget or try to commit suicide.Which is not something to joke about or bring up lightly. Its just unfortunately something that happens.

You know what I don’t like most about this. Is that it’s making me question myself. I was just starting to feel normal again. I thought the grief of losing my dad would be the worst thing I’d ever go through. Then you and your unspeakable actions happened. And I’m questioning a lot of things. Like I’m christian and I’m supposed to be forgiving and like Jesus died for everyone’s sin. But… I want to feel like you don’t deserve that. Because you don’t ..but you do I suppose. But you don’t and I hate you. But wait i’m not suppsed to be hateful. Love your enemy. So then I”m stuck mad at myself and I didn’t do a damn thing wrong!!! You did! You should be the one feeling like this. But you don’t I know you dont. Because even though you were “so drunk” and i’ve convinced myself you maybe really didn’t know you did it.. You do . You know. And you’re ready. Locked and loaded probably had a lawyer for months. You’re ready to explain to a jury that I wanted it. And I never said no. but I did. But how can I prove that. How can anyone prove anything. Fuck that’s why you’ll never see a jury or the police or anything. But my god. You deserve it.

And your poor wife. I feel horrible at the very least she should know.. And your daughters.. You shouldn’t have them. Because you’ve known me since I was a baby but you still did what you did. So how do I know you won’t hurt them… I hate you. Becasue I feel guilt over the fact that I feel stuck. That I feel hopeless and can’t do anything. Your family at the very least deserves to know the person you really are.

So here. There are so many more words I could write. Something poetic about dealing with your trauma. I could turn it into slam poetry and people would snap and tell me i’m strong and brave. I don’t want to be brave. I want to get good sleep. I want to feel safe. I want to not be angry with people for not knowing how to give me the comfort I need. I want to leave this behind and never have to think or relive it ever again.

But hey, they say writing letters to those who hurt you helps and you will never see this. What do I feel for you. Fear I suppose. Anger. Sadness. Sometimes eveything a lot times nothing. When you met one of my best friends you told her you were kind of a big deal. And maybe you are in your world. But for me well for me all I really want after all this. Is to move on find closure. Help others find strength in my story and for all of us to just forget that you exist.You say you’re kind of a big deal. All I wish for, is for you to be nothing.

sincererly ,

The survivor

I'm sorry don't mind my typos. Clearly I was emotional and I couldn't type as fast as my brain was moving. I genuinely haven't read through this myself after writing it. I just hope I can help someone else.

[thealaynashow]

I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.

Hi! did I start my blog with a quote from "Pride and Prejudice"? Yeah, I did. Like every other "hipster overly emotional 20 something female who clung to classic literature as an escape in high school", I'm kind of in love with Jane Austen's writing. And the scene where Lizzie tells the snobby annoying rich lady that she is, "Going to live her life in a way that makes her happy! with zero regards of anyone else's opinions or society's standards" just kind of felt like a good introduction to what you're getting into if you somehow landed here on my blog.

I should probably introduce myself but I've got to get this all down before I lose it. Why am I here? What is this blog about? Is there a plot? Not really...

I have a lot to say... like a lot. All the time. But I don't really have a place to spill all of those words and thoughts. So if you need to label this blog. I guess you could call this 'My Shout into the Void' or just a virtual journal. Either way, I'm talking about life and trying to be relatable.

(Yes I also love full house...I basically was Michelle Tanner as I child)

Like I said I have a lot to say all the time. And I guess I just want to know I'm not the only one.I'm about to start college again. Or trying to anyway. I went right after high school and things were good but it just wasn't the right fit for me. I applied to transfer to another school. I was going to finish my freshman year and then transfer out. Then... My dad died. Losing my dad broke my whole world. I maybe should have quit then. It was so hard to keep going. But I did. Then I got an email. I was accepted at the new university. I was so excited. My dad had gone to school there and worked there years later. It felt like fate. I still wasn't in the right mindset to be in school but I ignored that. This felt right. I thought being close to a place my dad loved so much would be good. I should've listened to the people who were telling me to take a break. but I didn't. I was afraid if I took the time off I wouldn't be able to afford to go back and then I would be stuck in my small town forever working a job that I hate. So I went to school. And I failed out. Now it's been 2 years since I've been in school and I still live at home, in my small town, and I'm working a job I hate.

I'm telling you this because I'm so torn and lost. This job I'm working makes decent money and eventually, I would be able to move out on my own. But I don't want to do this forever. It's mind-numbing and the environment is so negative. That isn't me. No one can be positive all the time. But I am an outwardly positive person that tries to see the good in people. I want out but it is just so impractical right now. I'm not going to get another job like this at my age without a degree. Now, most people would say "Why are you complaining. You're in your early 20's and you have a good job and a roof over your head and you're making it! Be grateful." yeah ..but I'm SETTLING. I'm 22 I don't want to settle! "You're young you have your life ahead of you." Life is short my dad died at 59 years old by that science my life is almost half over. But I like to be more positive than that so let's say realistically I have two-thirds of my life left. Either way, I don't want to feel like I'm wasting it by surviving!

I do feel lucky to have this job. But it's not what I want to do. I want to write! I wanna help people! I wanna teach! "Okay, Alayna then do that." I'm TRYING but as I've learned very quickly. Things like that don't happen overnight. Opportunities aren't just handed to you. You've got to work for them. Which again, I am taking steps in that direction. What I really want for you to understand. Is that I know that I'm young. and I know that I have to work for what I want. and that I am trying my best. I just need you to know, because you are human too, this is frustrating and draining. I feel stuck and lost. Even though everything I'm doing is another stepping stone, it feels like they lead nowhere. Not everyone can put those feelings into words. Sometimes when I feel like this I just want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum like a two-year-old and hope it just all goes away. and I know I'm not the only one that feels like this. I know a lot of people my age and younger and older feel this way. I know my generation feels this way. Sometimes we come across as lazy but it's just their way of trying to do what they dream of doing and not getting stuck surviving. Or maybe they just don't know where to start so they never do. Not lazy just...lost. I'm not the only one. And I guess I'm hoping someone finds this and realizes that they aren't alone. Or finally found someone who could put it into words. Maybe I just needed to know I'm not alone. Maybe I need someone to wrap their arm around my shoulder and tell me I'm doing okay. That they're proud of the progress I'm making.

That said. I'm going to go back to school and work towards something to break this cycle so I can do something I want to do. Maybe that's the first step. Or maybe this blog is that first step. Either way. "I'm going to do what makes me happy. and I'm not going to let my job or my negative thoughts or people who are not invested in my life but want to share opinions anyway take that away from me." ...or something like that ~Elizabeth bennet ~Jane Austen...Okay fine that quote was mine.

Hi My name is Alayna, I'm 22 years old and this is my blog