thanksforthefush-blog

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[LAZGAR] Linda and Zoe's Great American Roadtrip

TLDR; Linda and Zoe are alive. Linda turned 25, got blackout drunk (no surprise there). They decide to embark on a 3 month road trip and live in a van in very close quarters. They buy a car off a sweet, elderly man with the plate JESUS. They don't get to keep the JESUS plate but the van is named the Jesusmobile. There is a special place in the 7th circle of Hell reserved for them.

Okay so I didn’t mean to take another hiatus but the last 2 months have been the most stressful experience of my life. This will most likely take a few blog posts to cover so buckle in. Where do I even begin?

I celebrated my 25th birthday in America, which is pretty insane to think about it because the adult I am at 25 is most definitely not the 25-year-old adult I imagined when I was 18. I thought I’d be coming along in my profession, perhaps saving enough to put down a mortgage on a home (obviously this train of thought was most definitely before Auckland’s insane housing prices because I am currently in negative equity and can currently afford one cheeseburger) and perhaps be settling down with a partner, possibly kids on the horizon.

A post shared by Linda (@ltranny) on Aug 12, 2017 at 11:29am PDT

How it really turned out: I embarked on a 4-day bender, each night more blackout drunk than the last, got more tattoos, ended up on the front page of Reddit and topped it off by seeing J Cole and Anderson Paak in DC. So, no job, no house and no kids but had the best birthday imaginable so I guess it sorta evens out. And at this point was soon to be homeless as Zoe and I were going on a 48-state road trip and my lease was up at the end of August. I feel like I’m back at my first week of university again where I didn’t attend the orientation the week prior and so had fuck all idea of what I was supposed to do while everyone else seemed to have their shit together so someone please tell me if I managed to skip the orientation for my mid 20s?

A post shared by Linda (@ltranny) on Aug 9, 2017 at 10:56am PDT

Zoe’s internship ended at the end of August as well, and we decided to commit to the road trip. This meant looking at options at how we were going to get ourselves around the States and what our finances were (honestly, I don’t know about Zoe but mine were pretty bloody bleak since I spent all my money went towards rent, alcohol and Ubers in that order). We weighed up renting a car, trying to get companies to sponsor us to go on a road trip (lol, this did not work), taking public transport around or just buying a car and converting it into a camper.

The most cost-effective option was to buy a car and convert it into a camper. No one wanted to sponsor us (for obvious reasons, like who are these girls and their 100 followers on Insta) and renting a car meant we couldn’t convert it and we wouldn’t be able to resell the car onwards after to recoup some of our costs.

And so, the car hunt began.

Guys, do not take TradeMe for granted. It has a fantastic car selling service that is easy to use and navigate. Here in the States, the most common way of finding a car is through Craigslist. Its interface has not been updated since the 90s. It is hideous to use and there is no rating system so 9 times out of 10, you’ve probably found a dud. The site is archaic and has no place in modern society. How is it that the nation that brought us Uber and SpaceX the same nation that still uses Craigslist? Unfathomable.

It burns my retinas

I can write an entire blog post about my gripes with the DMV and buying a car in the US because it deserves its own standalone blog post. It is so awful, so inefficient and brought Zoe and I to tears. The process delayed our trip by 3 weeks at which point we decided to forego the 48 states plan, a plan I painstakingly created via spreadsheets and countless hours of planning and we will now never witness its glory (if you're curious, here is the link (https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pX4bAfO-faQ44t3w0rVGcEL7NJYVw0PsOp-I6tVSEHU/edit?usp=sharing).

However, we are retaining its essential essence which is to visit all the Six Flags in America and we are well on our way onto that goal.

During this time, Zoe and I also had our first fight. We have been friends for years now and our threshold for each other’s shenanigans is pretty damn high. We have dealt with each other at our absolute worst (she has literally seen me black out drunk and completely naked) and nothing rocked us quite like dealing with the bureaucracy that is the DMV. We fought, we cried, we made up and then got really, really drunk to get over it and all was right in the world again.

We are currently on our road trip now so the spoiler alert is that it all worked out in the end. We ended up buying a $3250 Chrysler Town and Country off a sweet elderly man off Craigslist whose number plate was JESUS. We were obviously not worthy of such a license plate (in Pennsylvania, you take your number plates with you, unlike NZ where the number plate goes with the car) and have affectionately named our van the Jesusmobile. This is a vast improvement on the last nickname bestowed on the van used for our 8 day bender last New Years which was a Mazda people mover named the Mazdabator (credits to Snitch for the ingenuity).

The car was in fantastic condition and immaculately maintained as it was used as a church van. It had done just over 100,000 miles and was a steal for the price and condition we got it in. The idea was to get a car big enough so that Zoe and I could sleep in the back while we traversed the States. So far, it has worked out fantastically.

A post shared by Linda & Zoe (@thanksforthefush) on Sep 20, 2017 at 6:12pm PDT

I’ll eventually get around to writing up the specifics of the car conversion but we’ve been on the road for over a week now in the campervan and it’s pretty damn comfy. We’ve slept at Walmarts and quiet streets and have snuck into a Catholic university to use their showers so I’m sure that this was just the icing on the cake to ensure our place in the 7th circle of Hell.

We actually started the first leg of our trip, affectionately named LAZGAR for short, in Florida during the imminent Hurricane Irma which I’ll save for the next post.

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How to (probably not) spend 48 hours in DC

So in summary, saw no sights in DC, spent almost all of our time there in a drunken haze, got tattoos. All in all, great weekend.TLDR: Linda goes to visit Zoe in DC. Goes to boozy brunch and get wildly drunk - get matching tattoos. Takes nap, gets more drunk and then goes out to get more drunk. Orders in obscene amount of UberEats. Does no sightseeing in DC.

I had been in America for 3 months at this point and had figured it was about time I visited Zoe in DC. Zoe wasn't going to be available for my actual birthday so I thought I would bring the party to her.

The day started too eventful - wanting to get the most out of DC, Phu and I booked 6.45am buses to DC from Philly so that we could spend as much time there as possible. Megabus, I implore you to provide better instructions on how to get to your bloody buses because 3/4 mile from the northeast entrance of 30th Station means nothing to me when I don't even know where north is and I'm crying because it's 6.30 in the morning and I am running around with 2 bags of luggage and sweating and crying and I can't tell if the salt on my lips is from the perspiration or the tears. We managed to make it with a minute to spare, sweating at 6.44am in the morning, at a time when one should stay relatively sweat-free.

The moment we got to DC, we dropped off our bags at Zoe's place and went straight for boozy brunch. If you manage to make it to DC and have very limited time, I would skip the White House, I would skip the Capitol, the Washington Monument, all the Smithsonian museums and go out of my way to make it to El Centro DF on 14th Street (which is essentially what we did). They do bottomless brunch, both food and drink, for $35 (obviously excluding taxes and tips). Their margaritas were amazing (we had 6 each) and I can say with almost 100% certainty that they made absolutely zero profit off of us.

1 send = 1 prayer

You know what's a really great idea after having 6 margaritas and being shit-faced drunk at 3pm on a Saturday?

Getting matching tattoos with your best friend.

So off we went to the tattoo parlour, doing our absolute best to appear as sober as possible. The last time Zoe attempted to act sober, we got kicked out of Mish Mosh in Wellington so I was doubtful we could pull it off.  By nothing short of a miracle, and that little feeling of guilt when you ticked the 'No' box on your form when it asks you if you're under the influence of any drugs or alcohol, we managed to convince them that we were of sound mind and got our tattoos. 

At the time of writing this, Zoe and I have actually forgotten to take any photos of our new tattoos and also I've got a lil bit of stubble on my legs right now so they're not in prime photo-taking condition. Basically, we each got the Thanks for the Fush logo on our ankles, so that we can always remember our time here in America. I got No-Face from Spirited Away on my other ankle because it's one of my favourite movies and Zoe got lil cat paws because it's doubtful she will ever find someone to love her romantically and will most likely end up as a crazy cat lady. Love u boo xxxxxx

As with every time Zoe and I get drunk silly, we basically passed out the moment we got home (I managed to meet one of her flatmates briefly and was basically a 'Oh hi, I'm Linda. Lovely to meet you. We got really drunk, got some tattoos and gonna go take a nap now ok byeeeeeeeee'). We woke up from our 5 hour slumber and went straight into pre-drinks before heading out to the DC night life. We ended up at a gay sports bar called Nellie's that was playing Bohemian Rhapsody so we knew we had ended up at the right place (we were at a bar called the Wet Dog Tavern beforehand, which played awful music and everyone was dressed in chino shorts and a plaid button-down and I had a really hard time discerning any distinguishing features between them).

A post shared by Linda (@ltranny) on Jul 23, 2017 at 10:06am PDT

At this point, Phu and I have been drunk or asleep for 95% of our time in DC. We managed a glimpse of the Capitol building, which we thought was the White House, and thought our sight-seeing had been ticked off (they look very similar from a distance). Our night ended with us ordering $60 of Chinese food being delivered to us and Phu passing out.

The next day, Phu and I waited an hour in line to check out the Game of Thrones pop-up bar in DC. I was told by Zoe it wasn't worth the wait and was obviously not going to listen to her because she is a plebian who doesn't even watch it. Turns out she was actually right for once in her life. I mean, I have no regrets about waiting in line for that long because I would have kicked myself if I didn't check it out while it was still in DC. However, it was too crowded inside and while the props were cool (different rooms were themed so there was a Weirwood tree, a Dragon, a room full of house banners and a room of Faceless Men and as I'm writing this, it all seems pretty cool but it was actually just ok), Phu and I didn't feel inclined to stick around for long and went home to watch actual Game of Thrones.

Phu and I had to get up at like 4.30 in the bloody morning to catch the bus back to Philly the next day so we ordered in more UberEats and didn't leave the house.

As as with NYC, there are many, many ways in which your costs could be much less than mine. I think the most obvious one here is don't get a tattoo while you're drunk and you've already saved $170. Secondly, probably don't spend $110 on UberEats while you're there -  we were just either really drunk or really tired from being drunk the night before so you can save yourself $37. However, DO spend $47 at El Centro DF because that place is the fucking tits and was the best part about DC because the first thing I saw when I walked into Zoe's house was a 'Live, Laugh, Love' sign and there was a mental cost-benefit analysis going on in my head trying to decipher whether staying friends with Zoe was worth it.

Item

Cost Per Person

Bus tickets 27 Brunch 47 Alcohol 47 Food 13 Ubereats 37 Tattoo 170 Uber 29

Total

370

So in summary, saw no sights in DC, spent almost all of our time there in a drunken haze, got tattoos. All in all, great weekend.

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How to spend 48 hours in NYC

TLDR: Linda, Zoe and Linda's sister head off to NYC. Gets very stressed over ordering bagels. Eats New York pizza that tastes the same as pizza everywhere else. We take photos on the Met Steps, living out all our Gossip Girl dreams. Gets insanely drunk off bottomless margaritas at brunch and pass out at Central Park - Zoe misses out on all bus tickets and ends up paying a small fortune to get home. We see Penn Badgley at dinner, basically the same as having dinner with him.

Zoe had been asking me pretty much the moment we got to America to go to New York. I was in the midst of trying to figure out my life, finding a job, working out the meaning of my existence etc so I kept putting it off. The moment Phu landed in America, I immediately decided NYC was a great idea even though Zoe had been spent the last 2 months trying to convince me to go. So off to NYC we went. In very atypical Linda fashion, I had decided not to plan everything to a T and allowed a little spontaneity in our trip (didn't even create a spreadsheet for it which is insane).

This meant that we were all up at 3am on the day we were heading to NYC, trying to book accommodation and being so tired that booking accommodation that was $400 a night or bussing back to Philly (2.5 hour drive) at the end of the night and then bussing back to NYC the next morning (as it would be cheaper than getting a hotel room) all seemed like great ideas. The weekend we chose to go to NYC happened to be weekend of the Pride Parade and so all the hotels, AirBnBs and any decently priced accommodation had been sold out for weeks. We were lucky enough to find a last minute deal for a hotel in the Financial District which turned out to be absolutely perfect and well-priced.

Our bus to New York was at 7am and we were all operating on about 3 hours of sleep. After dropping our luggage off at the hotel, we decided to give the classic New York bagel a go. This happened to be the most stressful experience of my life. There are like 15 different types of bagels, 6 different cream cheeses and endless combinations of bagel fillings and just people shouting everywhere. While in line, I tried asking the person behind me how to order a bagel because my only experience with ordering a bagel was back home at Best Ugly Bagel where you order a 'White Rabbit' and you know exactly what is in it. They told me they didn't know either and next thing I know, I was at the front counter nervously asking for a pastrami bagel (followed by 'WHAT TYPE OF BAGEL? EVERYTHING? GARLIC? SESAME? TOASTED?) with cream cheese (followed by 'PLAIN? JALAPENO? RED PEPPER? SCALLION?) and further strings of things being shouted at me and the guy behind the counter being clearly exasperated by me so I just accepted my fate and just paid for whatever I had ordered and high-tailed it out of there.

As I later found out, NYC has no time for people like me and the way you're supposed to order a bagel is more like 'Pastrami on an everything bagel, garlic cream cheese, red peppers, pickles. Do not toast'. It was only 10am in the morning, I was sleep deprived and was so stressed out about ordering a bagel and people shouting at me. Like everything else in America, the portion sizes were huge and Phu and I were so salty about the fact that we had ordered two separate bagels because they were bloody expensive when one would have fed us both, a small family and perhaps a small nation too. I realise that I just wrote two lengthy paragraphs about this bagel incident but this event was deeply profound and affected me emotionally.

Pastrami bagel on unknown type of bagel, unknown type of cream cheese, unknown condiments

We hit the classic iconic spots on the first day - the Ground Zero 9/11 memorial, the High Line, the magical New York Public Library, Times Square, Grand Central Terminal and finished off the night at the top of the picturesque Empire State Building. Exploring New York was a unique experience - you're going to places for the first time that feel familiar because you've seen it in countless movies and shows. It's both new and familiar at the same time.

One of my favorite destinations on our first day was the New York Public Library. It is so insanely beautiful and I was in pure bliss just walking through its marble hallways. Though a concrete jungle, New York has all these little pockets of beautiful greenery such as the High Line which is a 2.3km elevated stretch of green nestled in between the existing infrastructure of New York City.

The Rose Main Reading Home in the New York Public Library

A post shared by Linda & Zoe (@thanksforthefush) on Jun 24, 2017 at 3:09pm PDT

Times Square was just as I imagined – crowds of people, street performers, food vendors and giant billboards. People try to give you high fives and hugs to which I’m just like ‘No thanks’ because I don’t like random people touching me. Being in the midst of tourist central, we decided that our trip to New York would not be complete without having a slice of authentic quality NY pizza and so we walked a couple blocks to find ourselves a slice of classic NY pizza. We have Sal’s and Tommy Millions back at home, and every time I tell people that I love eating pizza from there, you always get those people who are like ‘Oh but like have you had a pizza from NYC before, like that is authentic NY pizza’ and I’m just going to put it out there and say that they taste pretty much the same so for people back home, you’re not missing out on anything. With a sample size of n=1 for NY pizza, I can make the assumption that pizza is pizza and is always delicious.

New York pizza which incidentally tastes the same as pizza in New Zealand

Last stop for Day 1 was the Empire State Building. We were deciding between Top of the Rock at the Rockerfeller Center but TripAdvisor recommended the ESB for viewing the NY skyline at night and who are we to dispute trusty TripAdvisor. It was like $34 to go up which is pretty pricey so if you don't care about seeing the skyline or you're on a budget, I would say just skip it and look at Instagram photos of it instead cause it's basically the same thing (I took the liberty of providing said Instagram shots below for you).

If you do decide to go up and plan on going at a popular time, which is when the sun is about to set, I would recommend purchasing tickets online as they have a separate line for those who have already purchased tickets. We hadn't and had waited about 40-50 minutes in line to get up and these were like the Disney lines where you think you've finally made it to the start of the line and then you get there and it turns out there is just more line. We made it just in time to see the sunset and it was pretty fucking beautiful.

A post shared by Linda & Zoe (@thanksforthefush) on Jun 24, 2017 at 8:27pm PDT

A post shared by Linda & Zoe (@thanksforthefush) on Jun 24, 2017 at 8:30pm PDT

The next day, Zoe and I got to live out our Gossip Girl dreams. Here is a candid shot of us on the steps of The Met for any GG fans out there xoxo. We actually did visit The Met, also insanely beautiful like much of the architecture in New York but we were all pretty knackered from the day before and saw half of the museum before we were all museum-ed out.

A post shared by Linda & Zoe (@thanksforthefush) on Jun 25, 2017 at 7:42am PDT

We found this cute lil Mexican brunch spot on the edge of Central Park and Harlem that did bottomless margaritas for $12.95. Zoe and I must have had at least 7 margaritas each, getting absolute value out of our bottomless brunch at $1.85 a margarita. I managed to talk Zoe out of getting black out drunk at 3pm on a Sunday, something I would usually encourage if it were not for our plans to go Central Park where children would be present and would probably not appreciate our drunken antics in broad daylight. We ended up passing out at Central Park anyways post margaritas and could have literally been robbed of all our belongings and we probably would have not noticed. Zoe was supposed to buy a bus ticket home to DC but because we got too drunk and had a cheeky little snooze, all the bus tickets ended up selling out and Zoe ended up spending ~$150 for a train ticket ride home as opposed to a $25 bus ticket. 

Goes to the famous Central Park only to nap through it anyways - classic Linda and Zoe

We headed out to Brooklyn for dinner and Penn Badgley who plays Dan Humphrey in Gossip Girl had been dining at the table next to us - a perfect way to end our weekend in NYC with a cheeky celebrity spotting even though it's just Dan because I would have lost my absolute shit if it had been Chuck.

New York was just as expensive and packed as I expected. It is a city that I loved visiting, and reaffirmed my decision not to move there. While I could definitely see its appeal to others, it's not quite the right city for me. Rent is exorbitant (like honestly, one months rent in NY is enough to pay for 3 months of my rent in Philly) and it's just too populated for my own liking. Having 3 people on our trip helped keep the cost of rideshares and accommodation down, and so if planning  a trip, I would recommend going with a couple of friends.

Though I loved exploring the city and seeing all these iconic landmarks I had come to associate with New York, it lacked a novel feel to it as I had seen all these places before in the movies and shows that I've watched. In saying that, Zoe and I will definitely be back as there are so many things left to do that we couldn't possibly fit into one weekend but I'm glad that at the end of my time there, I can go back home to Philly.

A breakdown of costs for our trip to New York:

Item

Per person

Return bus trip from Philly 20 Hotel 81.67 Rideshares 22.87 Food 66.73 Empire State Building 34 The Met 25

Total

$250.27

Of course, Zoe had the additional cost of her train ticket back to DC. If we had gotten a Metro card and rode the subway everywhere, we probably would have saved money in terms of how much we spent on transport but we also just couldn’t be bothered. If we had booked our accommodation earlier, we probably could have found a much cheaper place to stay. Similarly for food, you could spend much less over a weekend by living off $1 slice pizzas and then dealing with the effects of high cholesterol and heart disease later. Similarly for the attractions, you could save $59 and just go to the multitude of free attractions New York has to offer (Ground Zero, the High Line, New York Public Library, Times Square, Grand Central Station and Central Park were all free).

So until next time, xoxo Gossip Girl.

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God Bless America

TLDR: Linda goes to a costume party, approached by multiple guys pretending to be her Uber driver and trying to take her home. Drives a long distance for the first time in America, cannot figure out how to put petrol in her car, how to operate Google Maps, how to give way at intersections and journey takes three times as long as the suggested timeframe. Expresses her general disdain for both roads and driving in the States. Has her first taste of patriotism in America - very overwhelming on the senses.

Disclaimer: this is just a random assortment of events that have no logical ordering.

Though very charming, Philly can be a little rough around the edges. For instance, I attended a costume party the other month at a club called Trilogy.

A cat, a skull and a deer walk into a club.

In a span of one hour I had sorted out my costume, pregamed at a speed almost unknown to man and danced until 3am in the morning. I was knackered by the end of the night, while my friends were still at it on the dance floor, so I decided to order an Uber home. I am not shitting you, in the span of 10 minutes, I had three cars drive up to me and this was the general gist of the conversations that went down:

Driver: Hey I'm here to pick you up

Me: What's your name? *trying to determine whether the 1cmx1cm picture in the app matched my driver as was not expecting him so soon*

Driver: Ok I lied. I just thought you were really beautiful and wanted to take you home

Me: Oh no, no thank you.

Not even just the one guy - this happened to me three times in 10 minutes. Pretty much the moment one car pulled away, another car pulled up and so after the third guy, the bouncer stayed with me until my real Uber driver arrived. Thank god I was at a casual 7 on the Drunk Linda Scale (DLS) because given my penchant for bad decision making and a tendency to get myself into crazy antics and situations, this could have ended terribly for me.

I can't fault them entirely though, my deer makeup was so gr8 that someone had thought it was a Snapchat filter when I had tried to take a selfie with my interim 3 megapixel potato.

So I had my first experience with patriotism in America. I've seen this in movies and TV shows and assumed that as with most things in the media, things were grossly exaggerated. I was wrong but let me just reel things back a little first.

I was invited along to a dance recital by a friend of mine who teaches kids to dance. He's over in Jersey and about a 40 minute drive from me so I asked my flatmate if I could borrow her car to drive there. I've driven short distances in America so was mostly accustomed to driving on the other side of the road, everything being in miles and the weird giveway rules at intersections. However, this did not prepare me for my drive to Jersey.

I had my first experience at an American petrol station which I thought for all intent and purposes, would be the same as in New Zealand. Ivonne drives an Audi and I had no idea how to open up her petrol cap and looked evidently stressed enough that three thoughtful men offered to help a damsel in distress. One was in the driver's seat, pressing assorted random buttons while the other was at the driver's door, also pressing assorted random buttons while the third was by the petrol cap to keep watch. They all worked harmoniously in collective fashion and teamwork and the camaraderie was truly inspiring - all so a gal could get some petrol into her car. We cheered when it opened and it was a touching moment for all of us involved.

In New Zealand, there are 3 different nozzles for 3 different types of petrol. In America, there is only one nozzle and so after everyone left, I had spent 5 minutes staring stressfully staring again at the car because I had no idea why no petrol was coming out. Thanks to another gr8 lad, it turns out you need to press a button to dispense the petrol you're after; ladies and gentlemen, I have 3 degrees and still I can't figure shit like this out.

So after spending a lifetime at the petrol station, I was finally en route to Jersey which turned out to be a bloody nightmare. The highway system in America is huge. Roads are huge, cars are huge, signs are huge but don't really do shit and I'm just here crying stressfully just trying to make it in one piece to fucking Jersey.

Here is an example of one of the routes I had to take. LOOK HOW MANY LOOPS THERE ARE??? It doesn't look as bad in this screenshot but please bear in mind that these roads are like 4 lanes wide, your turn-off is this piddly right turn covered by foliage and when you're using Google Maps navigations, there are so many roads on top of roads that everything is lighted blue and you have no idea if you're on the right track. Not to mention there was like five fucking hundred toll booths and no good signage and it was just v v v v v stressful. After the most stressful two hours of my life (of which was supposed to be a 40 minute drive), I finally made it.

Halfway through the dance recital, there was an intermission and the hosts asked for all active and past military members, as well as any family of the aforementioned, to stand. They were invited onto the stage and received a standing ovation from the crowd (I also stood but mainly because I didn't want to look like a dick being the only person not cheering and clapping). And this part seemed normal; patriotic and normal.

Then the host asked all the guests of honour if they could could join them backstage for a surprise and I wish I hadn't lost my phone so that I could have taken photos of this. The red curtain opened up to a stage full of smoke, dimmed lights and this giant 6mx4m American flag hanging from the ceiling. At this point I'm like okay, this is a lil extra but cool, cool, cool. The guests of honour emerged from the smoke as the national anthem played. Dancers come out, hands full of red, white and blue powder being thrown into the air in synchronisation to the music. There is just a haze of smoke and powder as everyone hollered and cheered and this all just seems a little surreal to me. 

There must have been like 50 children dancing across the stage, down the stairs of the auditorium as the hosts thanked the guests for their service to America and allowing Americans to have freedom so that their children could wake up each day and live in a free America. I come from New Zealand, where we love of our little country and all its quirky headlines of chocolate milk shortages and flying dildos and we are, of course, insanely proud to be Kiwis but this experience was a little out of this world for me. All I know about American patriotism from portrayals of the media was real and here I was, living it, seeing it, breathing it, quite possibly inhaling it. God bless America.  

[thanksforthefush-blog]

The UnDefinitive Guide to Kiwi Slang

TLDR: No one understands half the things WE are saying so Linda makes a list.

As I have found out in my time in America so far, many of my commonly used Kiwi slang is non-existent here (in fact, most people don't even know what I mean when I refer to myself as a Kiwi). I decided to write this post when I told a friend of mine I was "up to fucks" which in retrospect, can be totally misconstrued as something akin to hoe-ing around.

So I thought I'd compile a nifty list of Kiwi slang I use on a regular basis. Even for some Kiwis, a lot of the slang I use may not be used in a particular part of New Zealand. There is also a lot of Kiwi slang that I don't use which I won't include (for instance, 'tu meke' or 'hard out' and honestly you could probably write a book on Kiwi slang). Heck, for all I know, some of these could be used in other parts of America seeing as I have only used these on the East and West Coast and the sample size doesn't really encompass the entirety of America.

1. Flatmates, Flatting, Flat

Basically, any phrase with the word 'flat'. In America, they use roommates instead of flatmates, they say sharing a house/room or living together instead of just saying flatting together and you refer to your dwelling as a house, apartment, rowhome, or whatever instead of just saying flat. I asked someone what you call it when you go flatting ie. move out of home and quite literally you say "I'm living away from home'. In all honesty, having an umbrella term makes it much more versatile and people find it super charming when I say flatmate.

2. Sweet As

Meaning anything along the lines of "all good", "sounds good", "that's cool", "no problem" - basically any term that implies a good-natured confirmatory response .Zoe used this in her work emails for weeks before her senior cracked and finally asked her what she meant by "sweet as". People think I mean "sweet ass" which when used in place of "sweet as", makes no sense:

"Hey Linda, could you take out the trash please?"

"Sweet ass" - it just doesn't work.

3. Churr bro

Similar to "sweet as"  above - people just ask me if I'm just pronouncing the word 'cheers' funny.

4. Crook

This word is ingrained in my everyday vernacular, and is so versatile in its use that when someone finally asked me what I meant when I used it, I struggled to think of a definition that didn't contain the word crook ("You know, like when someone is a bit crook?"). Thankfully for Google, their definition is pretty much spot on - “(especially of a situation) bad, unpleasant or unsatisfactory".

Feel hungover or poorly? You're feeling crook. 

Know a dodgy fulla? He's crook.

You did something that would probably constitute as unsavoury? You're crook.

5. Yeah Nah, Nah Yeah

Where "yeah nah" = no, "nah yeah" = yes. It's all in the tone and inflections, where the yeah has to sound a little promising with a slightly higher pitch and the nah has to drop a few octaves and trail off.

6. Durry

No one here uses the term durry and everyone that I've used this term in front of loves it and thinks it sounds fancy as fuck. Americans just use the term cig, cigarette, smoke, whatever and also pronounce it as 'durr-ree' as opposed to 'duh-ree'.

7. Battling

When one is attempting to complete an arduous task and still manage to somehow muster the energy to complete said task. This term is mainly used after a loose Friday night, you wake up feeling like death  but you still manage it to make it to brunch the next day and maintain some semblance of humanity, and when someone asks you if you're okay because you're fully aware that you not only feel like death but you look like death as well, you flash them a half grin and whisper "I'm battling" and they give you a look of compassion and understanding because you still managed to be somewhat of a productive human being despite dying inside.

8. Rinsed

For when the term "drunk" doesn't quite encapsulate the absolute state you're in because you're positively smashed, you say you're rinsed. In America, there may be other terms to encompass this state of being but I've only heard the term "super drunk" which I guess suffices for all intent and purpose.

9. Too Easy

A friend of mine currently working in LA would respond to his seniors asking him to complete a task with "too easy". To most Kiwis, it is simply yet another confirmatory response, akin to 'sweet as'. His American colleagues made a complaint because they thought he was making a mockery out of the tasks they asked of him.

10. Keen

Akin to saying "I'm down" in America. When someones asks if you want to partake in anything, a typical response would be "Yeah I'm keen" or "keen as".

11. Skull/Dense

Still not really sure what Americans use in lieu of these terms but it refers to finishing off a beverage extremely quickly, usually alcoholic in nature - "I'm going to skull/dense this bottle of wine in 10 seconds, a magic trick I like to call the disappearing act."

12. Stitched Up

When someone puts you into an unsavoury situation, they are 'stitching you up'. I usually do this to Zoe by tagging her in obscene memes because she has her mum and Nan on Facebook, who have like 100 friends, and so whatever dank meme I tag Zoe in is sure to appear on their Facebook -  in a sentence, this would be "Linda stitched up Zoe". Or when your friend shares something with someone he wasn't supposed to and that person ends up bringing it up with you, it means your friend stitched you up.

13. Up to Fucks

Perhaps the most misconstrued term of them all, 'up to fucks' means you're up to nothing, you're procrastinating, something of that essence.

"Linda it's been 6 weeks, have you found a job?"

"Nah mate, I'm up to fucks."

14. Dodgy

In America, people use the term 'sketchy'. It means when something/someone/somewhere is potentially dangerous or dishonest.

15. Pack

I don't know how commonly this is used in NZ, but it is a commonly used term in my group of friends. It means to leave, ditch or not bother with someone or something. For instance, if Zoe ends up at Mish Mosh while everyone else wants to go to Cavern Club, a common phrase in our social circle is "Pack Zoe". Or if you're saying it to Zoe yourself, "Zoe we're packing you" or "Zoe, you're packed".

16. Benching

Equivalent in America to "on the back burner". When you're talking with someone you're not quite ready to pursue but you're not ready to lay down some groundwork either, you're benching them.

17. Wop Wops

The middle of nowhere. Synonymous to "bumblefuck" in America.

"Linda, did you get lost again? Where are you?'

America: "I somehow ended up in East Bumblefuck"

Kiwi: "I'm in the fucking wops"

18. Piss

'On the piss' = I'm drinking so if someone asks you what you're up to, you respond with "I'm on the piss".

'Pissed' = while this could also mean you're annoyed, context is key. In our instance, it means you're drunk.

These are not to be confused with "taking the piss" which means you're making fun of someone in good humour, you're joking, providing a bit of banter.

"Linda honestly, please stop making jokes about no one ever loving me."

 "Honestly Zoe, mate, I'm just taking the piss."

19. MEAN

When something is cool, awesome, some sort of positive adjective. Your mate produces a mint piece of artwork and to show your support and enthusiasm for his woke, artistic endeavours, you tell him "it looks fucking mean".

20. Ay?

This one is a little tricky because it's a very multi-use term.

It turns any phrase into pretty much a question: "Hey you don't want that ay?" you ask, while hungrily staring at the slice of pizza your friend has left on her plate.

Or when you're only 90% sure of an answer but you don't want to seem too confident on the off-chance that you're wrong, "oh it's 387 ay?" so in the 10% chance you're wrong, you don't seem too wrong because you said 'ay?' and that softens the blow.

Or when you're expressing disbelief at something:

Zoe: "Linda I made a friend today."

Me: "AY?????"

21. Dairy

A convenience/corner store. When you're too lazy to go to the supermarket and you're willing to pay the 9000% markup on the shitty Big Ben pies, you head off to your local dairy to pick up a pie and maybe a Starz drink too.

23. Feed

A meal or food - "Hey you keen for a feed?" or in normal terms "Are you down to grab a bite to eat?"

22. Shot

This one is a little tricky because it can be used in place of saying 'thank you' but it could also be used to commend your mate when he does something worth applauding.

"I picked us up a mean feed on the way home." to which someone could reply "Shot!" or "Linda I got to level 80 in World of Warcraft" to which I would respond "Shot bro!"

23. Shout

Not to be confused with 'shot' above, but to 'shout' means to treat someone. "Hey I'm keen for some Denny's tonight. Your shout?"

24. I reckon

Similar to saying "I think" or to agree wholeheartedly with someone.

"I reckon that I could dense this jug of mojitos by myself" - where here it's like saying "I think..."

Or "Honestly Linda, using Sprite Blast to make mojitos was a genius idea." which I would respond with, "Yeah I reckon!" to wholeheartedly agree that a winner mojito recipe is 1 part mojito to 4 parts Sprite Blast (NOTE it has to be Sprite Blast) with a bit of lemon juice and mint is bloody delicious.

25. Not Even

It's like saying "No way!" or "I can't believe it!".

Zoe: "Linda I managed to look like a 4/10 today."

Me: "Not even!"

26. Gap

It means 'to leave' and makes much more sense in context:

"Gap it g." when you're angry at your mate and you are telling them to vacate your immediate vicinity.

"I'm gapping it/I gotta gap" for when you have to leave.

27. Heaps

To express a large quantity, or frequency.

"How much do you love Harry Potter?" and you respond with "Heaps."

So in this context, I'm saying I love Harry Potter a lot, or very much. Or "How often have you gotten shit-faced this week Linda?" and I would respond with "heaps of times."

28. What a stink/sad guy

When your mate has done some stitching up, you say they're a 'stink/sad guy'.

 "Zoe, I've packed you and have found a new best friend."

"What a stink guy :("

29. Gutted

To express disappointment at someone, a situation, something.

"Densed two bottles of wine and now can't bring myself to drink wine anymore, I'm so gutted." or "Linda I'm coming with you to America" and you're just like "Oh gutted."

30. Can't be bothered/fucked/assed

I thought everyone used these terms but this one is a hit or miss with some people here. I asked my flatmate what the equivalent is and she said it would be somewhat equivalent to "when you don't give a fuck" but it basically means when you just don't wanna do something because you're lazy.

"Linda are you going to try figure out what you're gonna do with you life?"

"Honestly I just can't be bothered."

31. SEND IT

100% not even Kiwi slang but a commonly used phrase in my social circle. Very similar to dense/skull but deserves it on place on this list. This phrase is derived from one afternoon of day drinking where a typical Kiwi bloke no one really knew turned up to a party, got rinsed and passed out by 3pm but not before he encouraged everyone to "send it". It is simultaneously a cue to finish the entire contents of the drink in one's hand and also saying 'cheers' - a very versatile phrase that should definitely be employed in the rest of New Zealand's slang vocabulary.

A great instance for which this phrase should be used is when you're the sober driver for day 1 of an 8 day bender, and your friends have been polishing off a bottle of tequila and 2 cases of beer before you've even had a drop of alcohol (so much alcohol was consumed in said vehicle that as I was being breathalysed, it thought I was over the alcohol limit even though I was dead sober). You have to play the catch-up game real quick and your mates are real supportive of you and telling you "to fucking send it" for encouragement as you dense a bottle of wine in what you would refer to as your best disappearing magic trick yet. Bless.

So there we have it. There are so many other slang terms commonly used in New Zealand and a quick Google search would bring up other lists compiled by other Kiwis but honestly, it varies so much across New Zealand so I wanted to create a list unique to how I talk. It makes for great conversation pieces because I've had hours of long conversations with people who are fascinated by the slang that I use and how fancy they think it sounds (even though in New Zealand, there is nothing fancy about saying "bro, you keen for a mean feed? Your shout? Shot bro.").

[thanksforthefush-blog]

Con(grad)ulations and szechuan sauce is in order

TLDR: Linda goes to an American graduation, reminisces on her 5 chins. Gets black out drunk, loses phone, sees the Rickmobile and ponders America's poor schooling system.

Because my flatmate and I get along amazingly well and I sometimes forget that at the time of writing this, I've only been in Philadelphia for 5 weeks because it feels like I've always been here.

She asked me to come along to her graduation - here at graduation, you can decorate your graduation cap and get real extra with it (think sequins, glitter, sparkles, the works). At the University of Auckland, graduation seemed super formal in comparison (like we shut down streets to do a ceremonial procession) and it really brought me back to my last year where I chucked a shaka on stage to break up the monotony of the ceremony but the photographer managed to entirely miss it and captured this real sweet photo of me and all my chins:

Post graduation celebrations was at this 'charming' place called River Deck that lacked any semblance of atmosphere but was located right on the waterfront of the Delaware River. I didn't pay for a single drink and was chuffed because I thought that I had successfully managed to do an adult thing for once in my life and have one of those 'casual nights' everyone goes on about and had remained relatively sober until I remembered the next morning that I  told the bouncer that he was 'a beautiful chocolate man' upon my departure.

The next evening, a friend told me she'd buy all of our drinks if we went out, an offer to which no sane person refuses. We went to a nightclub called Rumor that was pumping on a Thursday (this never happens in New Zealand). Somewhere between the numerous rounds of double shots of Jameson and guys buying us drinks, I got absolutely black out drunk. If not for my Uber receipt, how I made it home would be a complete mystery to me. Pretty much the only memory I recall from said night is of me failing to get my only key into the front door, so I sat outside my front door steps crying, contemplating whether or not I could just sleep outside.

Between calling my Uber and getting home, I lost my phone (thank fuck I did not lose my passport, drunk Linda just threw it across the living room in a drunken haze). The most upsetting thing about losing my phone was that I took a fire ass selfie and I hadn't backed up my phone and was genuinely upset that no one would ever see it, and that I had 1000s of photos of my baby beans on there.

Apart from losing my phone, other highlights: I visited the Rickmobile while it was on tour in Philly. This itself is an amazing accomplishment because earlier in the day, I had a stomach bug, had violently vomited three times, once in my Uber whose driver thought I was on the piss at 12pm on a Tuesday??? The lines were insane and I managed to take this photo from like 10 metres away cause there was security everywhere:

More observations from this week: in New Zealand, a Bachelors degree usually suffices for most fields of work you want to get into. For more specialised fields, you do postgraduate studies but its more choice than necessity. In America, it seems like to be able to get into anything, you need to pursue graduate studies. Take for instance dentistry. You complete an undergraduate degree in pretty much whatever you want. You then apply for dentistry school, which is a doctoral degree over here. In between finishing your undergraduate degree and applying for dentistry school, you're doing your best to volunteer, intern, work in anything that will strengthen your resume and application.

We have it lucky in New Zealand, where schooling is somewhere around the $10k a year mark because it is subsidised by the government. In America, tuition fees are in the ball park of $50k a year, and it is not unheard of to have student loans in the $100k-$400k+ ballpark range. Even worse, the student loans aren't interest free and so you're accruing interest on these loans that are akin to paying off an entire mortgage. There is no sort of financial support such as student allowances, and students rely on even more loans (or if you're fortunate enough, the goodwill of your parents) to pay their living costs. I understand that this is the same case for New Zealand for students who aren't eligible for student allowances but this is on top of your $50k a year tuition fees.

I know in New Zealand that we have our gripes about the education system but it's things like this that makes me feel pretty privileged to have been able to graduate with two undergraduate degrees and a graduate degree after 5 years of university, with a student loan of only $45k. Back home, this is considered on the higher end of the loan cost spectrum and I lamented that this was equivalent to a deposit on a house (not in Auckland obviously). Here, my student loan doesn't even cover a year's worth of tuition. I feel like the exorbitant tuition fees  acts as a deterrent for those who want to provide a genuine service to people but the thought of spending 10 years in school and coming out with $300k in student loans is enough to make people consider just bartending in New York City where some people make $100k a year.

How my train of thought goes from black out drunk, dogs, the Rickmobile to the American education system, I don't know, but it makes for good chat fodder.  

[thanksforthefush-blog]

Sweet as, chur bro, pass me a snag will ya

TLDR: Linda and Zoe finally reunite, Linda gets her black out drunk and she passes out and doesn't make it to Boozy Brunch. Prescription drug culture in America, the poor work-life balance in America and how some people can't appreciate the genius that is Linda's humour. People thinking sausage sizzles are mind-blowing.

It was a few weeks in before Zoe came to see me in Philly due to being very busy and important at her DC job while I treated everyday as if it was a weekend (totally not a sustainable way of living I know). At this point, it had been about 2 months since I had last been out with Zoe, me having gone home early the night she fell asleep at Freeman and Grey's, her having to be carried out by the bouncer shouting "We've got a sleeper!".  We went to my first real club in Philly, Coda, where we stayed basically for 4 seconds before I ubered Zoe home (classic Zoe). She fell asleep on the floor (Zoe: if I start on the floor, I can't end up on the floor) as per Zoe logic.

She missed out on Boozy Brunch the next morning, still feeling crook from the previous night and missed out on bottomless mimosas. Honestly America, you may get a lot of things wrong but you most definitely got it right with this one. We finally managed to get her out of the house while the sun was still out where she had her first real cheesesteak so I guess all was right in the world.

A post shared by Linda & Zoe (@thanksforthefush) on May 20, 2017 at 4:08pm PDT

The last couple of weeks have given me some real perspective, and I’ve gathered a few observations while living here in America. The first being that there is a real prescription drug culture (and probably illicit drug culture but what do I know) here in America. Coming from a country where prescription drugs are usually a form of last resort situation, it has been eye opening. It’s common to discuss what prescription drugs you’re currently taking (“I’m currently taking Vivance” or “I’m just taking benzos to fall asleep”) and I have learned more about prescription drugs in the last month than I have in my entire life. It’s not necessarily a bad thing – it seems like they work for the people here and make lives easier for most people but it’s definitely a cultural difference that has stood out for me.

The other poignant observation that I’ve had is that the American work-life balance seems to pale in comparison to New Zealand. It’s not uncommon for most people to work 6 days a week, take home their work, work during their weekends and are always doing overtime. People seem to be more stressed, more strung out and annual leave is limited to a maximum of 2 weeks a year. It’s worlds apart from what I’m used to coming from my Monday to Friday, 9-5 job in New Zealand where your weekends are mainly work-free and I complete a typical 40 hour work week. Coming from New Zealand where most people are pretty relaxed and chilled, it’s most definitely has given me perspective on how we have it pretty great in New Zealand if you manage to look past our insane house prices.

On a less serious note, I have found that the Kiwi humour is a real hit or miss here. For some people, the dry deadpan humour comes off as sarcastic and I’ve had people tell me they were offended by me. For others, we get along splendidly and get excited when we discuss the genius that is Summer Heights High (Australian I know, but we’re pretty similar in humour) and Flight of the Conchords. The result of this observation is I strive to be very, very, very nice to everyone (which is absolutely out of character for anyone that knows me) and release my Linda-ness in very small increments. It’s tiring and sometimes the pleasantry small talk honestly drives me up the wall sometimes but it’s a delicate balance of trying to not offend people while still trying to come off as an actual person because I only have a small arsenal of “normal people topics” that gets exhausted pretty quick.

I’m doing my part to try spread the Kiwi love and humour here in Philly but it’s difficult when people don’t understand the things you say like “Sweet as” or “Chur bro” or “Mate where can I get me a sausage sizzle” because as indicated by my last post, the idea of sandwiching a precooked sausages, onions and ketchup in a slice of white bread is just out of this world.

[thanksforthefush-blog]

9 things I miss about New Zealand

TLDR: Pies, being close to things, cheese, chocolate, a Bunnings sausage sizzle, minimum wage, monopoly money and the abomination that is the imperial system.

At the time of writing this, I would have been in Philadelphia/America for about 6 weeks which gives me enough time to miss a few things from home. Things are going well here, Zoe and I are having fun but there are creature comforts that home provides which are unfortunately hard to come by here.

1. THE PIES

Pies in America are sweet pies - people make pies out of kumara here for God's sake and it's topped with marshmallow and served at special occasions. Sometimes, all I want is a good ole' steak and cheese pie from the local bakery with its golf ball of fat encased in its crusty pastry goodness.

2. THE PROXIMITY TO COOL ASS SHIT

Many Americans don't have a passport because North America is huge and you could spend a lifetime going to all the amazing sites and places it has to offer. However, road trips to cool places are in the ball park of 14+ hours of driving where as you could drive from Cape Reinga, the top of the North Island, to Invercargill, the bottom of the South Island in about 30 hours. From Auckland, I could be at Muriwai Beach in under an hour, to the Redwoods forest in 3 hours and Mount Ruapehu in 5 hours.

3. THE CHEESE

I never thought of New Zealand cheese as top notch cheese until I got to America. We aren't famous for our cheese like Italy or France are, but you couldn't go to a house party without at least 3 people bringing brie/camembert with a side of crackers. Cheese shopping in America is overwhelming in its choices but the cheese just falls short of the rich creamy goodness that is a double cream brie.

4. THE CHOCOLATE

If I had even just another kilo to spare in my luggage, I would have packed some Whittaker's Chocolate to take with me to America. This is hearsay and I haven't even conducted a Google search to verify its accuracy, but I was told that it was a legal requirement for chocolate manafacturers to limit the amount of milk solids in American chocolate. American chocolate lacks the creaminess that New Zealand chocolate is so beloved for and I would literally kill for a block of Old Gold Almond right now.

5. BUNNINGS SAUSAGES

While telling some Americans about Crate Day, I told them we grilled a couple of steaks on the BBQ, tossed a few sausages and some onions on for a classic sausage sizzle. The concept of a simple precooked sausage, served with a lashing of grilled onions and ketchup, presented on a piece of Budget's $1 white bread was apparently mindblowing to them. They were amazed that we had a hardware chain store, Bunnings, that regularly served these in its philanthropic fundraising efforts on a regular basis.

6. OUR MINIMUM WAGE

The minimum wage for most states average somewhere around the $7.50 mark in a position that doesn't tip, and a tipped position averages around $3 an hour BEFORE TAX. The adult minimum wage rate in New Zealand, as of April 2017, is $15.75 an hour. Insane.

7. THE MONEY

I like that New Zealand money looks like Monopoly money. It's sturdy, reliable and looks pretty. the coin system is simple - 10c, 20c, 50c, $1 and $2 coins. In America, the money is papery and bills are all the same colour which is extremely stressful when someone tells you your total and you are frantically scrounging through your wallet to try find the correct amount. There is a $1 bill and apart from the rare $2 bill, the next denomination is $5 which means you end up with a thick wad of $1 bills in your wallet and a false sense of wealth. And don't even get me started on the coins. 1c coins, WHY DO YOU EXIST? You are a hindrance to the entire population of America.

8. OUR ROADS

The New Zealand Transport Agency (shameless plug for my former employer) gets a lot of flack from the New Zealand population for everything that could possibly go wrong on the roads. We try to provide these beautiful roads for the New Zealand population and the moment Auckland hits a choke point, people are keyboard warrior-ing all over our Twitter and Facebook. But man, we have it good compared to some of the ugly ass roads here in America. Our roads are mostly free of potholes and are sealed and rehabilitated often.

9. THE METRIC SYSTEM

Fahrenheit, yards, pounds, miles - I still have a very hard time grasping it all. The metric system is beautiful in its simplicity and its divisibility so why does America make it so hard when you have to figure out how many ounces there are in a gallon and feet in a mile? Literally me when I am trying to figure out the imperial system:

[thanksforthefush-blog]

'Does New Zealand have Boeing planes?'

TLDR: Linda's life in a nutshell at this point is serial dating and drinking (surprise, surprise). Weighs in on how guys differ in America to guys back home. Gets asked silly questions about New Zealand because it sounds like a mythical place. Linda expresses her disdain for Whole Foods.

Basically my first month in Philly consisted of serial dating and going to copious amounts of bars. Alcohol is stupidly cheap here compared to New Zealand and Margarita Happy Hour consists of dangerously potent $5 margaritas. My job hunt was (and is still) going poorly as I honestly can't be assed and have been having too much fun trying not to be an adult and getting up to fucks.

Making friends here has been a breeze - having an awesome flatmate who is a social butterfly and having an accent means people want to talk to you and be your friend because you pronounce words funny and that has warranted having been asked for my number more times than I can count.

On this note, one of the more new aspects to dating in America is how forward guys seem to be here. Typically back home, you chat, throw out some top notch banter for a bit before you exchange numbers. Here, guys are swaggering up to you, phone already open and already making sex eyes at you before you've even said a word. One of the more, uh, eloquent exchanges I've had went like this:

Him: Girl, I just want to say you look good in them pants

Me: *my social anxiety kicking in while laughing nervously* oh haha oh uh thanks

Him: Let me take you out *mentally undresses me with his eyes as he whips out his phone*

Me: Oh I'm seeing someone at the moment *lying because I'm conflicted between feeling flattered and overwhelmed simultaneously*

Him: Girl that boy better be treating you right because damn you are gorgeous and you have an ass that doesn't quit

Me: *continues laughing nervously*

Fucking nailing the art of social interactions here obviously.

Dating is nice here because you can actually meet people who wasn't the ex-boyfriend of your best friend from Form 4 or isn't cousins with the guy you hooked up with at Lenin that one time. Bless New Zealand and your beautiful landscapes and great quality of life but the entire of population of New Zealand is smaller than the Greater Philadelphia County alone.

So far, the downsides of people not knowing where New Zealand is getting questions like 'Do you guys have McDonalds over there?' or 'Does New Zealand have Boeing planes?" because we are apparently a third world country or kickers like 'That's next to England right?'

But as a city, Philly as a whole has a charming quality about and it has lot of character. The streets are lined with rowhomes and trees and it looks just like what you imagined them to be from the movies. Philly has bloody cute as architecture from back in modern America's founding days. There are some amazing murals, all of which I don't have photos of because I'm terrible at 1) remembering to write blog posts and 2) remembering to take cool photos. I often just get purposely lost and explore the city until my feet hurt before calling an Uber home. It helps make the city feel a little bit more like home.

A post shared by Linda & Zoe (@thanksforthefush) on May 9, 2017 at 1:20pm PDT

I've managed to blend in with the locals by eating cheesesteaks at non-tourist spots (for which I was actually a little underwhelmed by which blows because it's 33.33% of the reason why I chose Philly) and apparently all I have to say is that I love the Philadelphia Eagles and hate the Cowboys (NFL???), because Americans love their sports while I barely watched rugby at home, and at that point you're pretty much initiated into the City of Brotherly Love.

It's been a good couple weeks and I think the only downfall is that Whole Foods is the fucking worst. It was 100 bloody degrees and my closest supermarket was a Whole Foods. All I literally wanted was a bag of brown sugar but it literally had to be cane sugar mined deep from the Himalayan Mountains, organic as fuck and touched  by an angel for the low price of my first born child. 

Very rare image of how sugar is manufactured for Whole Foods

Between the $5 margaritas and the amazing architecture, I guess we can't have it all :(

[thanksforthefush-blog]

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

TLDR: Linda provides profound reasons as to why she chose Philadelphia. Buys one desk and applauds herself for doing something implying commitment. Linda discovers what the NFL Draft is, has her first date in Philly and becomes a beer connoisseur.

The week I got to Philadelphia, I almost decided to fly somewhere else because it was literally 200°C with a humidity of 9000%. Slight exaggeration but it was hot as fuck and I accepted my fate that I would probably just die of heat stroke.

The NFL Draft was on, which I found out was literally an event where they just read out names for teams for like 3 days but I guess people here in America just really love sports and will find any occasion to get loose.

My first night in Philadelphia was eventful, with me being friendly with my Uber driver as per usual, and he mistook my friendliness as flirtations and asked for my number and I played the whole "Oh how about I grab your number and I'll text you' game because I'm new to the city where I know no one and he obviously knew where I lived and no one would know if I died and they would probably find me body out in the wops 4 days later.

Any who, apparently when people ask you what you're doing in Philadelphia, they expect something a little more profound than

"I really love the show 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'"

"This is where Philly cheesesteaks are from"

"That one line in the 'Fresh Prince of Belair'

They laugh, I laugh, we laugh, they pause and ask me 'But really though...' but little do they know that this is just me as a person - putting in as much effort into big life decisions as I do picking out what I want for lunch.

After the scorching weekend brought upon me by Hell itself, I made a big commitment move and bought a desk from IKEA, basically solidifying my intentions to stay in Philadelphia which coming from me, is about committal as I get. I'm currently here until the end of August when my sublease ends and when Zoe finishes her internship so I'll figure out what I'm going to do with my life then. My current options are:

Find a proper job and stay in Philly

Possibly work at a mead bar being opened by Dylan Sprouse in NYC

Go on a 4 month road trip with Zoe and end up working at a ski resort over the winter

So yeah, totally have my shit together. My flatmate is this bombass, Colombian/El Savadorian pharmacist who has a phenomenal body and hula hoops for fun. My other flatmate seemed really lovely and promising but turned out to be a kleptomaniac who stole everyone's stuff from almost finished Bath and Bodyworks candles to undies. It was a very exciting first week in Philly for me. We have another girl coming in and praying to God she's the good type of crazy.

A post shared by Linda & Zoe (@thanksforthefush) on Apr 23, 2017 at 11:14am PDT

How cute are the streets of Philadelphia?

I made a Tinder profile that make it onto r/Tinder's hot page and so I enjoyed a week of fame and Redditors hitting up my DMs so now I can say I've lived and at my eulogy, I want someone to present my Tinder profile. 

The first slide of my Tinder presentation

My first date in Philly was a crawl, drinking free beer and I ended up on the rooftop of the house where Kevin Bacon grew up, overlooking Philly's skyline, getting baked and playing beer pong in what turned out to be an impromptu house party.

I had my first taste of home when a friend of mine from New Zealand happened to be visiting Philadelphia the same time I was there. They were there for a reason even more profound than mine - her boyfriend was a lifelong fan of the Philadelphia Eagles and he wanted to bask in their city of origin. I had one of my first craft beers in Philadelphia/America with them, choosing my craft beer like any beer connoisseur would - ABV %. I don't even like IPAs but unfortunately, it seems that only the IPAs have an ABV of around 9% which is insane because a bottle of wine is about 13% while the beer is only 4% off without any of the bad memories so I will just drink through the hops even though it makes my beer taste like the botanic gardens. Insanely good quality photo of us with beers:

In conclusion – kleptomaniac, something about my alcohol dependency, Reddit famous.

[thanksforthefush-blog]

7 things we learnt about America in 7 days

TLDR: We are alive and made it to America. Linda lost a toe nail but made it onto Reddit. Zoe surviving the flight to America in Economy. Wine goons that come in juice-box form and a deficit of aioli in America. So far, so good.

It’s been about 2 months since the last blog post and that is entirely my fault. I figured I’d finally get around to writing a post to ensure everyone that we did in fact make it to America safely with only a couple of hiccups on the way.

Current status of things I have lost: my toe nail, my phone and whatever was left of my self control.

Current status of things I have yet to obtain: a proper job, an inclination of responsibility and a direction for my life.

Life in general: made it onto Reddit, dealt with a kleptomaniac for a flatmate and getting baked in the house that Kevin Bacon grew up in.

So, so far, so good. It was a tearful goodbye, having to leave my beautiful, sweet, pure doggos who are the most wholesome beings on this planet. And yeah, some of my friends and family were there too.

A post shared by Linda (@ltranny) on Mar 28, 2017 at 2:08pm PDT

We spent a few days in Sydney and I had the most pleasant experience with the mumma. Not a single mean thing was said and I was showered with something resembling very close to love and this is coming from the woman who pulled me aside at my graduation and told me that I should lose some weight because guys like my boyfriend at the time don’t stay with girls like me (thanks mum). So my undoubtedly troubling upbringing aside (I could write a whole novel on this), Sydney was gr8.

Zoe managed to make it all the way to America in just Economy class because in all honesty, I was worried:

I lost a bloody toenail because I dropped a 23kg suitcase on my toe, two bloody days before a week of all the theme parks Los Angeles had to offer and had the mobility of a decrepit tortoise. Zoe fell sick pretty much the moment we got to LA as economy class was honestly just too much for her two months of funemployment. So even though we were staying at the insanely idyllic Hermosa Beach, we were literally outside for a total of 42 minutes but managed to get in this gem of a photo:

A post shared by Linda & Zoe (@thanksforthefush) on Apr 20, 2017 at 5:31pm PDT

We spent 3 blissful days at Disneyland and Universal Studios where I realised I will never want to have kids because holy fuck, some of these kids were the spawns of Satan.

At the end of our week in Cali, Zoe and I finally parted ways (thank god because this was actually supposed to be my trip, the whole solo find-myself, make-bad-life-decisions trip and when I told Zoe, she invited herself along so cool, not like you’re raining on my solo parade or anything).  She left for Washington DC where she scored a sweet job and I ended up in Philadelphia where I have since been getting up to fucks (more to come on this later).

At the end of our week, I made this neato burrito list of 7 things we learnt in 7 days in America:

1. NO AIOLI

Okay, so this is a slight fib because we later found one brand of aioli in the supermarket but people don’t really eat aioli here. Which is ridiculous because it is a gift from the heavens itself and is the most versatile condiment ever.

2. THE PROMINENCE OF MOBILITY SCOOTERS

Like what the actual fuck. Why are there so many mobility scooters? I actually thought people genuinely needed them and was legitimately concerned for the health and wellbeing of individuals until I saw someone park up their scooter and stand in line for bloody pretzels.

3. THE PORTION SIZES

I am only exaggerating a little when I say that a meal here can feed an entire family, maybe a nation if you upsized. Everything comes in huge serving sizes that suffices for my three square meals a day.

4. PEOPLE THINK WE ARE FANCY

In New Zealand, I have a slight ghetto twang to my voice, having grown up in a predominantly low socioeconomic neighbourhood. No Kiwi in their right mind would call me fancy. However, it’s a whole new ball game here. People ask me to just talk to them because they like how I say things. People think I’m British (?). I have also been told ‘You are so much hotter because of your accent’ (also ? because am I not hot without it????)

5. IN-N-OUT IS KINDA AVERAGE

Apparently we didn’t order correctly (but like honestly, there are only so many things you can bloody ‘animal style’) but In-N-Out was a huge disappointment. The burgers paled in comparison to even a cheeseburger from McDonalds and my heart could not handle the animal that were my fries. Next time I’m on the West Coast, I will give it another go but honestly I prefer Chick-Fil-A (which was the fucking tits).

6. YOU CAN GET FUCKING LIL JUICE BOX GOONS

Not that I can even drink wine anymore because apparently having 2 bottles of wine before you even have dinner is a bad idea, because you end up projectile vomiting outside a bus stop before you run away from your friends to go to a Keith Ape concert. Anyways, you can get juice boxes of wine from bloody Walmart. God bless America.

7. TIPPING IS BLOODY STRESSFUL

I get heart palpitations every time there is a situation where I may need to tip. Like do I tip the local Starbucks guy? How about the In-N-Out burger staff? My Uber driver? If so, how much? Is 18% too low for this meal? Should I chuck in naming rights for my first born? I’m 6 weeks in and I still face this dilemma.

And just as a side note, because I didn’t want to spoil the whole ‘7 things in 7 days’ thing going on, the cheese in America fucking sucks. Why does Whiz exist and why do other cheese have no taste? I miss my double cream brie.

Anyways, Zoe and I are alive, you should follow our Instagram and I promise it won’t be another two months until you hear from us.

[thanksforthefush-blog]

50 days of FUNEMPLOYMENT

This blog won't be as articulate as the others... But I can't free-ride forever! So here's a (rare) post from the potato herself ...

It's less than two weeks until Linda and I pack up and leave. But more importantly today marks DAY 50 of my fun-employed life! In the last two months I've accomplished bugger all really ... It has been a daily routine of sleep, food then more sleep. I've lost count of how many times someone has tagged me in this meme:

Yet I can't help feel a little guilty ... The plan was to move back to Auckland from Welly, mooch of the parentals and save a little more dough before I go but instead I appear to be down $1500 (or $1700 if you include that gym membership I haven't used ) haha whoops...

But hey, I'm slowly getting my shit together (slowly). I suffer from a serious case of procrastination and I know I'm absolutely f**ked when Linda and I part ways.  As you can probably tell that girl is the brains and power behind this whole operation. She's even attempted a blimin packing exercise! I'm intending to pack the night before...

Jokes aside, as much as I am excited to move I am equally as scared. I'm moving to a new country, to the district that hosts the small hand, orange man, and to top it off I know absolutely nobody. I'll be working a tough (but interesting) job, which may or may not end up being a full-year gig. I'd be lying to say if I wasn't little nervous for work - I'm use to being a public sector pleb!  I'll defs miss that chillax environment.

Well in 15 days we will be in L.A, in 22 I'll be in D.C and in 24 I will no-longer be classed as FUNEMPLOYED. This has been a brief snippet into my life - if you made it this far into my blog post, congratulations,  your attention span is far greater than mine!

[thanksforthefush-blog]

T-32 days and my life is still a mess

TLDR: Heading to the States soon. Linda still unemployed and going to Philadelphia.  Zoe employed and going to DC. Linda sad because couldn't live Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen dreams in the Bahamas. Linda only has 8 pairs of shoes.

So it’s just over a month until Zoe and I head over to the States on our OE. Here is a progress report:

I’m still without employment, a place to live and very little money in the bank. I’ve set my eyes on Philadelphia – land of the Philly cheesesteaks and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. However, I have sorted accommodation for our first week for when we’re in Los Angeles to go to Disneyland and Universal Studios. Adulting at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.

Side story: we were planning on going to the Bahamas during our grace period before our visas started. Why the Bahamas? Because Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen went there in their straight-to-video 2001 hit Holiday in the Sun and by god if I wasn’t going to live out my MK&A dreams. Zoe and I were ready to book our All-Inclusive resort (ALL YOU CAN DRINK. I REPEAT, ALL YOU CAN DRINK) when we found out our J-1 visas would be invalidated if we left the States before our visas started and so I bid my Olsen Twins dreams goodbye as I cried myself to sleep that night.

This could be us but US Immigration, you playin'

Zoe has blissfully landed an internship at a consulting firm in Washington DC for four months, which means the terrible duo will be separated. She has found a place to live for the duration of her internship and made good life decisions like not shout 8 rounds of tequila lemonades for the 10th time and so her bank account is looking healthy.

Philadelphia is an easy 90 minute bus ride from DC and New York City in either directions and so we’ve made arrangements to spend weekends with each other and terrorise whatever city we’re inhibiting that weekend.

Is my life a bit of a mess? Yes. Am I worried about my lack of anything stable right now? Not really. Will everything eventually work itself out? I’m optimistic. 

The original plan was for Zoe and me to stay in DC together, and hopefully one of the jobs I applied for pulled through. Unfortunately no jobs I applied for eventuated (how my dignity and self-worth is still intact I have no idea) and DC is bloody expensive to live in. So in order for me to be able to afford rent and to feed myself, I made the decision not to live in DC with Zoe and instead found a cute lil (re fifth most populous city in the US) city that seemed like a nice place to live for a few months.

I have miraculously managed to squeeze my entire life into two 23kg suitcases and this is an act by God himself because I love having things and have no concept of “living within my means”. How I’m going to live with only 8 out of 30 pairs of shoes (I sold the rest), I don’t know, but stay tuned for the next episode of Linda takes America with only 8 pairs of shoes and somehow not everything is a disaster

[thanksforthefush-blog]

J-1 NZ and Australia 12-Month Work and Travel Visa: everything you need to know

Last updated 20th of April 2017

Getting a working visa for the US is notoriously hard. There are limited alternatives that basically consist of a Greencard lottery system, marrying someone with American citizenship or convincing a firm abroad that you surpass every eligible American citizen for a particular role in terms of skills and expertise and would be worth the thousands of dollars it costs in fees to sponsor you to America to work for their firm. You would most likely have more luck trying to convince someone that you are indeed good value and you would be a swell partner for marriage.

Luckily for post-secondary students and recent graduates, I have a deal for you. The J-1 NZ and Australia 12-Month Work and Travel Program (where I will hereby refer to as the J-1 for simplicity) is open to New Zealand and Australian citizens who have recently completed their first year of post-secondary education that will lead to an issuance of a degree (vocational students studying tertiary qualifications are also eligible!) or have graduated within the last 12 months. I also want to note that I am by no means a visa connoisseur; I just research obsessively and decided to pool all the information in one place.

So what is the J-1 Exchange Visitor Visa? The visa allows current students and recent graduates the opportunity to travel to the States and work pretty much any job that is offered to you with the exception of any patient-care work (such as doctors and dentists), domestic work (nanny/au pair or child care) and other restrictions listed by the US Embassy. Securing a job beforehand is not necessary and visa recipients are eligible to work and travel for up to 12 months. Sounds like a dream. After all, America is home to theme parks, In-N-Out burgers and Walmart. What more could you want?

1. Check that you’re eligible

First off, can you even go? Quick checklist:

NZ Citizen

No dependents (kids or a partner who doesn’t hold a working visa a well)

Current student who has completed at least two consecutive semesters of full-time study at a recognized NZ tertiary level institute (excludes online, short or part-time courses) OR Be a recent graduate, which as of January 2017, is defined as having graduated in the last 12 months. Some sources state that the eligibility date is taken from the end of your course but I have confirmed with several sources that it is from the date of your graduation

As of April 2017, online courses are now included!

2. Find a sponsor

A sponsor does not provide you with work. They are simply the middlemen who verify your eligibility to work in America and keep track of your progress and whereabouts in America to make sure you don’t try overstay your welcome. It is not possible to obtain the visa without a sponsor and they must be approved by the US Department of State’s Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs.

A full list of approved NZ sponsoring organisations is available on the US Embassy page; for your reference, I went with IEP NZ. They were lovely to deal with and were extremely helpful and forthcoming for the questions I had (trust me, I had many). With IEP, I paid NZ$1145 for the programme fee and I am unsure of what other sponsoring organizations charge.

3. Apply for the visa

The visa process can take up 6-10 weeks to gather required documents to actually receiving your visa in hand.

Student Status form to verify your current/previous student status

Personal Details form in which you choose a date for your visa to start

Reference form from your employer, manager, lecturer or teacher

Participant Agreement form

Potential Changes Participant Declaration form which states that you understand the programme is still a pilot and is subject to change

Job Offer letter if you have been offered a job prior to arriving

Copy of your passport

Copy of any past J-1 visa if you have traveled to the US before on a different J-1 visa (such as the student exchange programme)

On receiving these documents, your sponsor will send it away to issue your DS-2019 form which is your work permit that allows you to legally work in America. In the meantime, you can apply for a criminal record check to provide to US employers in case they ask (this can take up to 40 days to get back to you so apply early!).

For reference, I applied for my criminal record on the 9th of February, 2017 and received it back on the 9th of March, 2017.

For my application, I sent off all my documents away on the 12th of February, 2017 (IEP sends off these documents on the 15th and 30th of each month) and I received my DS-2019 on the 23rd of February 2017. Mine had a small clerical error so I had to contact IEP to correct it and received my new one on the 8th of March, 2017.

4. Flights

Once you receive the DS-2019, you need to book your insurance and flights. It is not possible to buy a one-way ticket to the US and applicants need to show that they have an outbound flight leaving North America.

Most airline providers do not sell tickets beyond 12 months of today’s date so if you are planning on staying for the full 12 months, it is advised you contact STA Travel. They provide return fares that extend beyond the 12 months. Another alternative would be to purchase a flexible airfare and change the return date yourself. This cost approximately NZ$2000 through STA Travel for return flights in and out of Los Angeles.

Edit: so I talked to a friend who was also on the programme and they purchased a one-way ticket to the States and a refundable ticket out of the States. Once they had arrived in America, they refunded their refundable flight. To be honest, if I had known this, I would have done the same thing and saved myself a bit of money. It gives you a bit more flexibility with your plans.

5. Insurance

It is also a requirement to purchase travel insurance for the entire duration of your visa in America. IEP does have their own insurance policies – however, I opted to sign a form that said I would be taking out my own insurance and that IEP would have no part in any claims I may make. My reason for doing so is that I have a preferred provider for travel insurance and the policies were the same as those being offered by IEP but for a better price. If you’re planning on doing the same, you need to first discuss with IEP (if you decide not to go with them) to check if your insurance policy meets the minimum requirements for the visa sponsorship. My insurance cost approximately NZ$1000.

Zoe, on the other hand, opted to go with IEP which cost $1800. It's more expensive but her admin skills are (somewhat) lacking. With this insurance policy it is important to note that it is for a round trip - that is, if you set foot back in NZ this symbolises the end of your trip and thus your insurance! So if you're planning a trip home you'll have to purchase additional insurance to get back into the US. However, if you know that you'll be making a trip back to NZ during your application, IEP can issue you two insurance policies (phew!).

Once you have your DS-2019, flights and insurance in hand, you are required to complete the DS-160 visa form online. You will need

passport,

travel itinerary,

details of your travel history,

CV and

the DS-2019.

You will be required to pay for a US$35 SEVIS and US$160 visa fee online.

6. US Consulate Interview

Once your DS-160 has been completed and you've paid your fees, applicants are able to book their US Consulate appointment online for weekdays between 8-10am. You will need your passport number, the MRV reference number from paying your fee and the number from your DS-160 form to schedule an appointment. Note that the US Consulate is in Auckland so for those who do not normally reside in Auckland, you will need to make travel plans accordingly.

On the day of the appointment, you need to bring the following documents:

DS-2019

DS-160 confirmation page

One recent photograph

Current as well as any old passports

Visa fee payment receipt

Proof that you plan on either returning to NZ or moving away from the US at the end of your visa (I wasn't asked for this information but there is a chance you may get asked for this)

Documents to show that you have sufficient funds to meet your expenses in the US (IEP states this as US$2000 without a job offer, $1000 with a job offer) (similarly, I wasn't asked this but there is a chance you may get asked for this)

I had originally scheduled my interview for the 2nd of March but the mix-up with my DS-2019 meant I had to reschedule for the 23rd of March instead. The interviewer will ask your intentions for travelling to the States, your long-term plans to return to New Zealand or your plans for after as well as other personal questions.

All up, my interview took 5 minutes (after a long wait so plan accordingly). At the end of the interview, the US Consulate will take your passport to process your visa which can take up to 7 days. I received my passport on the 27th of March, so only 4 days after my interview. And you’re all set to go!

COSTS

So all up, at the very minimum, the breakdown of costs at an exchange rate of $1.50NZD = $1USD:

Item

Cost (NZD)

Sponsorship 1145 Flights 2000 Insurance 1000 SEVIS/Visa fee 292.50 Funds (assuming no job) 3000

Total

$7437.5

This figure excludes any costs of flying to your city of residence from Los Angeles, any travel you do prior to starting your visa (you can enter the US up to 28 days before the start of your visa), and any costs incurred in the States such as accommodation and security deposits. So realistically, you are looking at $10,000 from the moment you apply for your sponsorship to when you settle down in your new home!

Here is also some additional information that you may find useful:

Visa expiration

At the end of your visa, you have up to 30 days to leave the North America region. That includes the US, Canada, Mexico and Cuba to name a few. Failure to leave within this time may mean difficulty or a ban on entering the North America region in the future. It is not necessary to return to New Zealand (people can go straight from America to Europe), as long as you have left the North American region within the 30-day timeframe at the end of your visa.

If you have organized another visa to work in the North American region, such as the Canadian working visa, you need to ensure your new visa begins within the 30-day timeframe as to avoid overstaying. You still have to leave and re-enter the North American region if you wish to visit America on the 3-month Visa Waiver Programme after your visa is up.

Extending your visa

This particular J-1 visa may only be issued once and so upon expiry, it is not possible to work in America under the J-1 NZ and Australia 12-Month Work and Travel Programme. Therefore, it is not possible to extend this visa. However, you may work under different J-1 visas so long as you are eligible such as the Summer Camp Counselor J-1 Visa for Camp America (there are other J-1 visas available too). NZ citizens are eligible to visit the States under the 3-month Visa Waiver Programme.

Sponsorship and employment

As long as the potential job is not part of the restrictions list, visa holders are able to accept any job as long as they notify and receive approval from their sponsor. Therefore, visa holders are not required to hold down the same job for the duration of their visa.

Not eligible for the US visa, what are my other options?

If you’re a NZ citizen and between ages of 18 and 30-35, there are a number of working holiday visas you could be eligible for. Here is a list of countries via MFAT as of January 2017:

Whew, lengthy post but I hoped that provided a comprehensive overview for anyone considering the States as an OE destination. If you have any more questions, feel free to flick me an email or Mike from IEP at mike@iep.org.nz

[thanksforthefush-blog]

Is now the right time to travel?

TLDR: Zoe and I moving to America - no job, no money, no idea what we are going to do. Spent too much money on food and getting drunk. Still heading to America and having fun anyways despite fears such as career, life, family, hating it. Linda just being an inspirational GB and Zoe just tagging along.

It’s hard to believe that in less than 5 months, Zoe and I will be either enroute to America/already living in Philadelphia/DC (place of habitation pending a potential job offer). What started off as an outrageous idea (“You know what would be unreal? Living in America" *laughter ensues as we open our third bottle of wine*) has quickly taken a life of its own and it’s so painstakingly real, I can’t believe it was only 3 months ago that we had decided we were going to leave our lives behind.

The notion seems romantic – the spontaneity, the mobility of the millennial, throwing caution to the wind and living a most liberal life. And it is; it is as equally exciting as it is exhilarating. Of course, spontaneous decisions come with a price. Zoe and I have spent the majority of the year frivolously spending money on things we don’t need and an insane amount on food and alcohol. Like actually insane. I once tracked my expenditure for 8 weeks and my second biggest cost after rent was alcohol.

We call this the state of being “money drunk”. After being a dirt poor student for five years (four for Zoe), you get drunk on the money you never had while studying. No longer are the days where your income dictates that you can only afford an $8 sauv. No, no, no – girl, you treat yo-self and you buy that $14 bottle of wine. Or three. Make that four slices of pizza on the way home. It doesn’t matter that my income is over double what I made as a student. I have somehow managed to eat, drink and spend my way through it.

So now it seems like I’m a terrible drunk, poor as fuck and and make awful decisions as an adult of society. This has a point, I promise. I’m less than five months away from leaving for a new country. I can’t even start saving until the middle of January as we decided to go on an 8-day-all-you-can-festival-bender around the North Island with our friends just after Christmas. Neither of us have jobs or a place lined up for when we get there. We don’t have wealthy parents that will pay for our travels. We barely even have any skills or expertise to speak of (literally both a year out of university).

When people say they want to travel, the reasons why they can’t are usually the same: they don’t have the money; they’re in a good and stable job; they’re scared to do it. Per my anecdote above, I also have no money. The job I’m in at the moment – it’s extremely stable. It’s a good job that pays well, it’s meaningful and the people are fantastic. To be frank, I probably hit the jackpot with this job. But I value my freedom and the ability to fulfill my curiosities over contentment and stability.

In all honestly, at first I was scared and nervous. I was uprooting my entire life only to run the risks of a) losing/not having enough money, b) hating it, c) backtracking on my career, d) leaving my family. But the alternative was to not take the risk and stay in my comfortable 9-5 job and not know. The opportunity was there for the taking and I could sit back and let it pass me by. The thought of that seemed unbearable.

I began to rationalise all my fears. Zoe and I are well-educated (though most of our friends will most likely disagree with us and call it a miracle we managed to make it this far in life). We held jobs throughout high school and university and we have been working in ‘real-life adult’ jobs for the past year. We will be able to get jobs. It doesn't faze me that the jobs we get may not even be relevant to our career - I think it’s all part of the adventure.

We could even possibly hate living in America. With the recent presidential election outcomes, it’s a very real possibility. But it’s a possibility that we are willing to realise for ourselves. Whatever we may come to love or hate about our stay will be entirely be dependent on our own experiences. Because you don’t know what you don’t know and I’m not going to find the answers from my cubicle on the 4th floor in the Wellington CBD.

“I regret that overseas experience I took during my career. I wish I had stayed instead and pursued my career.” – said no one ever. The beauty of being a millennial is that you are almost expected to get out and see the world. You are not held back by children, a mortgage, a career. You have the mobility to go where you want and do the things your heart has always been curious of. What is a year or two in the scheme of your working life? Who would say that they would have rather spent their time in an office than driving down Route 66 during the peak of summer? Or perhaps whether or not those poutine fries are as good as they say in Montreal? Or whether the Swiss Alps look as beautiful as they do in all those stock photos you’ve seen?

My main fear was leaving my family. I am extremely close to my grandparents. My grandpa and grandma are the most beautiful people I know. My grandma is as frail as they come and my grandpa has been exhibiting signs of Alzheimer's. Making a decision to leave and travel when they’re both old would probably be one of the harder decisions I’ve made. My grandma cried when I told her, especially since I’ve lived in Wellington for the last year and so she’s already had to live the past year without me around. I worry that something will happen while I’m gone. But no amount of worrying that I do will change anything. My grandma will still be frail, grandpa will still be forgetful and I need to remember that if anything did happen, I can always come back.

So in five months’ time, both Zoe and I will be embarking on our second adventure (the first being our move to Wellington). So in response the title of the blog post, is now the right time to travel? Most definitely. We are poor, have never been to America, no jobs or places lined up and only have each other. And we are both excited as fuck.

[thanksforthefush-blog]

6 (Baby) Steps To Your OE

1. You wake up.

As you have done every day.

Nothing has changed – your room, your route to work, your desk. But something inside you has stirred. You can’t quite put your finger on it but suddenly the term wanderlust creeps at the corners of your mind.

You need to get out of there.

Get out of where? You studied tirelessly for five years, you got the good grades, and you got the job you wanted. You followed the script, you’re an upstanding citizen, and this is where you’re supposed to be.

You don’t know it just yet but you’ve just taken the first step and it’s too late to turn back.

2. Call your sister.

Or mum, dad, brother, best friend, whatever.

You’re a blubbering mess of course. You get to work but your mind is in another realm and your fingers have already started to dial her number. You speak at 1000 words per minute and she barely manages to string pieces of your external monologue – ‘woke up. Normal. Strange? Get out of here. Quarter life crisis. Existential crisis. America??????’

She suggests that perhaps you just need a holiday; a temporary retreat to appease that weight that sits in your chest that tells you that this isn’t where you’re supposed to be.

3. Start planning your holiday.

Because perhaps they’re right.

You’re new to the working world and it’s been a year of new experiences. It’s natural to feel like a caged animal, no? You are simply just dying for a holiday and you just need a few weeks off to take the edge off your startling transition from a poor, struggling student to a moral, tax-paying citizen.

You start with 3 weeks and you realise it isn’t enough time. There’s so much to see, so many places to go and so many things to experience. Your itinerary ends up being 3 months. You wonder if your work would understand a 3 month absence if you explain that you’re currently going through an existential crisis.

4. You re-evaluate.

You know deep down inside that what you need isn’t a self-prescribed break. A holiday.

It dawns on you, slowly but surely, and you consider leaving everything you’ve ever known to chase the unknown. The home you had known for 24 years, which seemed like the perfect size up until this morning, suddenly feels too small. You feel larger than life and the quiet quaintness and comfort of your small city is now all too suffocating.

You know 3 weeks, 3 months, wasn’t going to cut it. You don’t know how you know because you’ve never done this before. You can’t explain it but you know and the thought of leaving makes that tight feeling in your chest dissipate.

5. Realize you have nothing to lose.

Well except money.

But so what? Money can be made no matter where you are. You have to start at square one in your career again. But so what? You had a fantastic job with great colleagues, which had great meaning and allowed a platform for you to learn. It was the perfect job for you and yet here you were. My family, friends, my partner will miss me. So what?

How many decisions have you made purely for yourself? You’re allowed to be selfish for once in your life and people will still love you. They will love you more for it. You begin to realise that whatever excuses you have come up with to not go through with this seem to pale in comparison with that feeling of excitement bubbling in your chest.

6. You decide to go.

And it doesn’t scare you.

Strangely, your heart is at peace and you know that you’ve made the right decision. You feel more alive than you’ve ever remembered. You sell off your belongings, you pack up your life and you begin your farewells to your loved ones.

Your heart beats nervously in your chest as you pick your destination and book the tickets. You confirm and you release the breath you didn’t realise you had been holding. It’s exciting, exhilarating and overwhelming all at once. And here is to the start of your new adventure.

Zoe:

You find a Linda.

2. You go along for the ride.

3. Enjoy.