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Tom Hiddleston cooks breakfast for Phil Wang

JUST WATCH THIS

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content i didn’t know i needed, but now i cant live without

@ayrbee on Twitter

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honk

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As a musical theatre kid, I approve of this message 100%

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Grease (1978)

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Challenge accepted

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Trauma pt.1

So, getting right into it, I have been exposed to copious amounts of trauma in my 19 years. 

I always try to be as blunt and straightforward with this kind of thing as possible, because I want people to know that I don’t hide myself behind my abuse and that I have made peace with my past. 

Jumping right into it, my mom left when I was 6. i saw her on the weekends, but she wasn’t there. hardly 24 hours after she moved out, my dads mistress moved in. This is when I really start to remember everything starting. My dad and step mom would get drunk and scream and yell at my sister and I. They threw things, they manipulated us and were incredibly violent with each other. 

My dad would call me fat, stupid, selfish and basically project himself onto me. (To paint you a picture of me around when this was happening, my teacher took me aside in class and asked me if i was being fed at home because I was so skinny. I raised my step moms daughter at 11, and did everything I could for my older and younger sisters because the older had horrible anxiety and the younger was being neglected by her parents. I also had all A’s and 1 A- at this time. So I like to consider myself to be anything but fat, stupid, and selfish.)

Like I stated previously, I raised my little sister. I was in 5th grade when she was born and instead of her mother taking a maternity leave, essentially I did. I missed days of school at a time and would literally run home from school everyday to take care of her. My grandma would watch her during the week days and I had her in the evenings and all weekend. My dad and his wife were DJs part time, so they would leave for days long events without any kind of warning and I’d just have to watch the baby. 

When I was 16 I was disowned by my father(I might make that whole story a separate post later). I moved in with my grandparents for what was supposed to be a month at most, but here I am, 19, still living with my grandparents.

Onto boyfriend trauma. 

At 15  fell MADLY in love with a guy in my class. His name was Alex, he was about 6 feet 2 inches and I was 5′2 when we started dating. He was my everything. He made me laugh and he loved me. No matter what happened between the two of us, I always knew he loved me. 

After about 6 months of our relationship, he started slowly telling me what to wear, how to do my hair, what make up to wear, and later not to wear make up at all. I couldn’t wear skinny jeans or leggings. And when he subconsciously realized that I would do everything he asked without question, he had to be the one to drive me to and from work and school, I couldn’t see my friends because they were “Bad influences”, I COULD NOT have my phone out while I was in his car and I had to be very careful what topics I could bring up. 

I never EVER want to rationalize any kind of abuse, but I later begged him to tell me why he was this way and he sobbed that he had this mental image of the person I could be, and it was like he couldn’t help himself, he had to help me be that person. and honestly, as disgusting as that whole thing was, I knew he genuinely cared about me. I just could’t be treated like a doll anymore. 

Alex and I started our “sexual relationship” about a year after being together. We  were kids and we knew that we shouldn’t move too fast. But once it started, it was like a marathon. And it was always fairly concensual, until blowjobs became a question. I hate them. But, he would guilt be into it, or I eventually just willed myself to do it whenever I realized that’s what he wanted. I would almost never ever swallow. I couldn’t handle it. but in the car he would basically hold my head down and I would throw up on the side of the road. We had sex every day except Sunday. And I did enjoy it, I mean, I was a teenage girl, But eventually it felt like a chore. 

After nearly 3 years we had a really messy break up, which was about 2 years ago now, that still haunts me at 3am to this day. 

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New post tomorrow. Very excited to be starting this new adventure. I know no one cares, but i hope this will really work for me.

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Psychology Daily - Quotes

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Let me explain...

I don’t know you, and I can promise you with 100% certainty that you don’t know me. It’s better this way. And if someone I know stumbles across this account, I apologize in advance for what you’re probably going to discover about me. 

So, back to the point in this post and quite frankly, this account. 

I am just your average 19 year old girl with boy problems and a, seemingly never-ending, identity crisis. I also have struggled through a lot in my life that has led me to have a VERY hard time with opening up to real people, face to face, about what might be eating at me that day. Putting things into real physical words is hard for me. That’s where my keyboard comes in. I may not be the most literate or grammatically correct specimen on this side of the Rocky’s, but I’ve learned that typing my feelings is much easier for me than trying to explain them to my friends. 

“Why not just type them into the notes on your phone?” you ask? Because I like to think that this way, someone, somewhere will be able to read my words and empathize. Maybe someone will find hope. Maybe someone will reach out. 

What the hell is this then?

This is me, raw and unfiltered. I want to get stuff off my chest. I have a complicated life story and I like the idea of having things documented. So, my plan is to write a post when I’m feeling it. I’ll start by giving some context into who I am and then I hope to tell stories, share feelings and just vent. My big thing is that I’m holding a lot of emotions in, and I need to feel like I’m letting them out. 

Fat chance anyone will ever actually see my account and be remotely interested in what I have to say, and that’s okay. I don’t want fame or recognition. I just want to sleep at night without feeling all the weight and stress that pushes on the back of my neck. 

Until next time, friend/enemy/stranger!

Sincerely, your friend/enemy/stranger

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Keep praying.

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two of my favorite things combined cat paintings and nicki minaj verses you’re welcome🐱 please like or reblogg if you use🎀

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