#zen state activated

[i-literally-cant-with-this]

I am officially (and hopefully temporarily) employment challenged? Is that the nicest way to say my ass just got canned by the bitch I was working for? It sounds good to me. Anyway, I applied for a really good job a couple of weeks ago. I got an email from them telling me when and where to be for the next phase, testing.

So, I'm asking all my moots out there and anyone else who sees this plea into the unknown, to please think good thoughts for me that I'll get hired on at the place I will be testing for.

To everyone who celebrates the holidays, I hope you have a very nice one.

If you don't, right on. I hope you enjoy your time off and/or holiday pay. You deserve it!

Thank you so much, fellow people on this planet 💟.

[thefallennightmare]

Just Pretend-nineteen

*gif created by me. feel free to use, simply give credit*

Parings: Noah Sebastian x Musician! Reader

Warnings/Tropes: language, angst, fluff, smut, star-crossed lovers, right person/wrong time, cheating, talks of mental abuse.

Summary: “I can wait for years, heaven knows I’m not getting over you.” A story about two star-crossed lovers, that always find their way back because their souls are entwined. The universe desperately attempts to bring them together, no matter what the cost.

Authors Note: I realized today that Sarah and I have been working on this story for almost TWO MONTHS. Holy shit. Talk about a slow burn! I don't think it's ever taken me this long to write an active story. Also, there are a few sentences in Greek and Italian in this chapter. You can find the translations at the end of the chapter.

Collaborating With: @thescarlettvvitch(better give her all the love as well)

Tags: @thescarlettvvitch @ozwriterchick @waake-meee-up @notingridslurkaccount @niicoleleigh @sammyjoeee @xxrainstorm @dominuslunae @notmaddihealy @malice-ov-mercy @crimson-calligraphyx @iknownothingpeople @writethrough @thebadchic @blackveilomens Claudia on Tumblr @tobe-written @blacksoul-27 @loeytuan98 @loverofagoodbeard @comfortcharactercraze @lma1986 @plutonikchaos1 @spicywhenspeaking @lyschko666 @somewhere-diamond @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @koskeepsake @bngurngheart @shilohrosechicken @emzandthevoid @casangel1986 @qualityvoidcollectorsblog @myownthoughts12 @jilliemiw86 @bellaboo967 @halloweenaesthetic

NOAH

My knee bounced in a tangent along with the clock on the wall behind Dr. Poulos as she tilted her head towards me, waiting for my answer. 

“I’m sorry, what was the question?” I blinked slowly. 

She gave me a small smile, tapping her pen on her notebook; something I’ve realized she did when she was ready to ask me a hard-hitting question. 

“How have the panic attacks been?” Dr. Poulos wondered. 

“Uh,” I rubbed my jaw. “It’s been better, I suppose. I still feel them starting every once in a while but my friends have been great at helping me through them.” 

“That’s great,” she smiled. “I’m glad to hear that. I know it was a problem for you from our first session.” 

“Yeah, I’ve come to realize there were a few aspects of my life that hindered me more than helped me.” 

Dr. Poulos’ brows raised. “Like what?” 

“Up until recently, I would drink; a lot. And smoke weed every so often. People say it’s the lesser of the drugs but it affected me in such a way that I didn’t like the man I saw in the mirror. Same with the alcohol. So, I’ve decided to become sober.” 

That spread a wider smile on her face. “I’m proud of you, Noah. It’s not an easy thing to overcome but to see how determined you are makes me very happy.” 

I ran my hands over my thighs while standing up straighter on the couch; her positive praise made my heart beat a bit faster. 

“I just want to be the healthiest I can be. Your body is a temple, ya know? It’s only been a few weeks but I can already tell a difference in the way I sing.” 

“That’s exceptional, Noah. I’m happy to hear that. It’ll help the course of your life. But I must ask, do you feel it’ll leave a part of you open and willing to accept the love you think you deserve?” 

I pursed my lips. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, as you mentioned previously, it sounds like Y/N has had some complicated relations with a man who was in a state of addiction. Do you feel that maybe, a part of your being sober can help you leave that part finally open? Allow you to see that you can be loved.” 

When I remained silent, letting her words rest in my mind, Dr. Poulos shut her notebook and set it on the table between us; next to one of those sand zen garden things. 

“What you're doing with Bailey and hiding your true feelings for Y/N doesn't seem to be helping, right?” 

I shook my head with a long sigh. “I never meant for things to go this far.” 

Dr. Poulos leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees, stippling her fingers. 

“Has Y/N ever given you a reason to doubt the things you say to her?” 

“No. Never,” I answered without missing a beat. 

“Then what’s stopping you from telling her how you feel?” She brushed a strand of brown-graying hair from her eyes. 

With Dr. Poulos’ words replaying in my mind, I sat down on the steps of her office while clicking on Bailey’s contact name on my phone. As it rang, I tapped my fingers on my knee to drum a random beat. 

“Hey, it’s Bailey. Leave me a message!’

Cursing to myself, I wished that she had answered because I didn’t want to do this with her voicemail but I had no other option. This needed to be done. 

“Bailey, it’s me- Noah,” I sighed while pinching my eyes shut. “Listen, I didn’t want to do this over text or on your voicemail. But I thought it best you hear me say this. I wanted to discuss it with you the other day but shit came up.” 

My eyes watched as a few people walked past on the sidewalk in front of me. 

“Look, I never wanted to hurt you, you’re a nice girl but this-us-isn’t working for me. I’m-I’m sorry if this hurts you. Truly. I’m not good at words all the time but I will say that I wish you the best and I hope you have a nice life.” 

After hanging up, I could physically feel the weight lift off my shoulders and heart. Breathing was easier and lighter, so with this newfound feeling, I quickly dialed Y/N’s number. 

“Mochi!” 

I could hear the smile in her voice.

“Hi, angel. Are you busy?” I asked while rising from the steps to walk a few steps to my car that was parked in the street. 

“I’m walking into an appointment right now. Can I call you later?”

Ignoring the way my heart dropped, I started my car and sat there for a moment. 

“Of course. I’ll be in the studio but I’ll always answer for you.” My hand ran over the steering wheel. 

“So sweet,” Y/N chuckled and my stomach fluttered. “There’s a reason why I gave you that nickname.” 

We quickly said our goodbyes and my mind was filled with the heavy conversation I needed to have with Y/N. I didn’t even realize the familiar figure bounding up the steps of the same office I left mere minutes ago, her yellow sundress flowing in the wind.

READER

My eyes were trained on the small sand zen garden on Dr. Poulos’ table as she tapped her pen against the notebook in her lap. The clock ticked annoyingly loudly behind her, almost mocking me as I continued to leave her question unanswered. 

“Y/N,” Dr. Poulos’s voice was firm, breaking me from my trance. “You mentioned your mother contacted you the other day?” 

I played with the hem of my yellow sundress. “Uh, yeah. She doesn't do it often but when she does, she really lets her feelings known.” 

“And what are those feelings?” 

“The same bullshit. My mom doesn’t agree with the lifestyle I’ve chosen. She thinks it's a waste of time,” I shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. “It’s who she is. Being Greek, I was raised to have large but realistic dreams. My father on the other hand wanted and still wants me to follow my heart, he wants me to go after what I want, what I need. There’s a line between both of them.”

“You know,” Dr. Poulos tucked a strand of her brown-graying hair behind her ear. “There’s a study that says insecure attachment styles can develop as a result of poor parenting. Research indicates that attachment in childhood affects the development of familial, social, and romantic relationships later in life. Do you feel this has deeply affected or influenced your relationships? 

I pursed my lips. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean, you’ve had a pattern of falling for men who aren't good for you yet believing they are real love when you know subconsciously you deserve better.” 

“Maybe,” the word trailed off my lips, uncertainty weighing heavy on my heart. 

Dr. Poulos hummed, crossing one leg over the other. “It sounds that way, doesn’t it? Are you running from Noah because you’re afraid you’ll disappoint him? Afraid he’ll do what your mother often does? You’ve seen the way your parent's marriage was like growing up, that has to be a hindering factor, doesn't it? 

My jaw ticked. “My mother was unfair to my father. I’d never do that or treat anyone that way.” 

“I know you won’t, Y/N. You know it yourself, deep down in your heart,” she patted a hand over her own heart. “Because from what you told me about Noah, I don’t believe that he would act the way your mother has. You won’t disappoint him. And he doesn’t want to do that to you either.” 

I shook my head widely. “He’s with someone else so it doesn't even matter.” 

A small smile lifted at the corner of her lips. “Quite the contrary, Y/N. You said it earlier you wanted to tell him the truth. He isn’t your mother and again, from what you’ve told me it sounds like you both may want the same things. You’re just not trusting yourself. You’re relying on your trauma and issues with your mother to get in the way.” 

“Wow, nice observation,” I snorted. “How am I supposed to fix that?” 

Dr. Poulos ignored my snarky attitude. “If your mother has been unreliable, then you may need to lean on other people who are for support. Socializing with friends and learning to be vulnerable with others can help increase emotional connection.” 

“Malcolm and Chase are reliable,” I stated. 

“It sounds like it, from what you’ve told me,” she nodded. “There’s also Noah. His support can take some time to develop but having stable relationships with others can be part of healing. And most of all, self-care.” 

I left therapy with a hopeful heart and bright smile. Dr. Poulos always knew what I needed to hear as much as I tried to fight it. Peaking down at my phone, my pulse quickened when I noticed a missed text from Noah.

Mochi 🍡: New episode of Attack on Titan dropped. I can pick up lunch. Your place or mine?

Giggling, I typed out my response, not letting anything ruin this euphoric high I felt.

NOAH

I stood outside Y/N’s front door, shaking out the nerves, and knocked on it. I had a bag of take-out food in my hand, something she requested from her favorite burrito place. 

“Hi,” she smiled while letting me in. “Did you remember the Dr. Pepper?” 

I chuckled while holding up the cup. “Light ice.” 

As we set out the food on the table in their dining room, I motioned towards the various easels and splattered pain on the carpet. “Studio?” 

“Yeah,” Y/N gave a sheepish smile. The lighting in here is better than my bedroom; although not by much.” 

I took in the various paintings of abstract lines and colors, some of random landscapes, and one of Salem. 

“These are really good, angel.” 

“I’m glad I decided to do this. Painting has been a great way to escape from reality, even for a little bit,” she took a bite of her burrito. “Oh, extra guac? How’d you know?” 

I shrugged. “I just do.”

We ate in silence for the next few long moments and as much as I tried to quiet the loud voices in my mind that screamed at me to tell Y/N the truth right now, it was extremely difficult. 

My eyes took in the glimmer of her bracelet as she reached for the chips and I couldn't stop the smile that spread wide to my lips. Y/N was still wearing the jewelry I bought her and it made me feel proud. 

“Where’s Chase and Malcolm?” I asked, noticing the quiet.

Y/N took a large drink of her soda, reveling in the taste. “Hiking. They left earlier this morning and typically don’t come back till later. So I have the place to myself.”

Just as I was about to speak, a persistent knock sounded on the front door, and she turned towards it with a confused stare. 

“Expecting anyone?” 

She shook her head. “Nope. Probably someone selling Girl Scout cookies.” 

“If they have Thin Mints, I’ll take four boxes,” I called after Y/N. 

Her laugh echoed throughout the room but soon seized when she opened the door. I noticed the way her body went rigid and I slowly rose in time to see a tall but petite brunette all but push her way inside. 

“Hi, koukla. I would have texted or called but it seems like you have an issue with checking your phone,” the lady peered around the space, a sour look on her lips. 

“Mo-mom? What are you doing here?” 

Shit. 

I knew there was a history with Y/N’s mom but never knew how deep it ran. 

“I was in town and thought to surprise you. Since you never talk to me anymore,” her mom tsked. 

Finally, her eyes landed on me, standing in the threshold of the living room and dining room; gaze hardening. 

“Who’s this?” She asked Y/N. 

Internally I snorted at how she asked Y/N rather than asking me. 

“I’m Noah,” I introduced myself while brushing away the strands from my face. 

Her mom hummed before nodding towards the back end of the house. “Give me and my daughter some privacy.” 

“Mom!” Y/N seethed. 

Noticing how the tension shifted, I gave Y/N a soft smile. “It’s alright. I’ll go say hi to Salem.” 

With my back to them, I walked down the hall and heard her mom mutter something in Greek. 

“Giatí échei makriá malliá?” 

“Eísai apísteftos,” Y/N responded in a stern voice. 

Sitting in the Y/N’s bedroom with Salem perched on my lap, I left the door wide open so I could listen in on the conversation. It may have been wrong to eavesdrop but something deep inside of me told me to be on edge, just in case.

“You should have called, Mom,” Y/N said. 

“You never return my calls.” 

“Gee, I wonder why. You exactly haven’t been that peachy the last few times we’ve talked.” I could hear the slight edge in Y/N’s voice. 

“I thought I’d told you I don’t appreciate the way you speak to me.” 

“It’s a two-way street, Mom. You get what you give.” 

Salem purred loudly in my lap and I continued to scratch him in the spot I knew he loved; between his ears. 

“I’ve always hated when your father used that line,” her mother sighed. 

Someone was pacing, their footsteps echoing loudly down the hall, and I peered down at Salem. 

“Your mom seems pretty upset right now,” I frowned at the feline. 

His bright green eyes stared back at me, simply demanding one thing silently; more pets to which I obliged. 

“Have you been to the doctor lately?” 

“Since when do you care, Mom? You never ask how I’m doing.” 

Salem jumped off of me when I slowly rose to my feet, deciding that I needed to be closer to Y/N, just in case. 

“I know how bad Endometriosis affects you, Y/N. I’m simply wondering.” 

I could almost hear Y/N roll her eyes as I neared the end of the hallway, out of sight but could still see just enough. Y/N stood with her hands on her hips while her mom sat comfortably on the couch. 

“I’m fine.” Y/N kept her answers short. 

Her mother pursed her lips. “And how’s the career?” 

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes at the way she said career. 

Y/N snorted. “Please, like you give a shit.” 

“Watch your language!” 

“You’ve never supported me with my music. Hell, with any of my dreams. So don’t start acting like you give a shit now. 

Her mom rose to her feet, narrowing her gaze. “That’s not true. I only want what’s best for you, Y/N. You don’t want to end up like your father and be stuck.” 

“He wasn’t stuck,” Y/N scoffed while clenching her fists. 

Her mother clicked her tongue while brushing away Y/N’s hair from her face. “Yes, sweetie, he was. And I’m telling you, no man will want to deal with someone that’s always on the road. What man is going to wait around or understand this lifestyle? What future are you gonna have?”

My jaw clenched at hearing those words because I knew it wasn’t true. There was a man who wanted Y/N; me. I would wait for years if I had to. Whenever she was ready, I’d be here. 

But hearing how her mom talked to her made me realize that there was a reason why Y/N never spoke of her and why she was so apprehensive of any future relationship. 

“We’re not talking about this,” Y/N stepped away from her mom to stand on the other end of the couch, giving more space between them. 

“Once again, you’re avoiding a tough subject. I didn’t raise you this way,” her mother chastised. 

Y/N’s jaw dropped. “Raised me? Are you fucking kidding me? You barely were home, too busy focusing on your career leaving Dad home to raise me!” 

I smirked at hearing Y/N mock her mother in how she said career moments before. 

“Your father was always your favorite. But it was me you stayed with after the divorce!” Her mother's voice was raised. 

Fearing this would end in such a bad way, I pulled my phone to send a text to Chase. 

Me: Y/N’s mom is here and I’m afraid shit is about to hit the fan. What should I do?

His response came almost immediately. 

Chase: Fuck. Whatever you do, Noah. Don’t leave. Stay until we get there. Every time her mom either contacts her or shows up, Y/N goes into a dark place. Malcolm and I are leaving right now and should be back in an hour.

I swallowed thickly as my stomach dropped. If the guys were worried about Y/N’s mom being here, it could only mean one thing. 

Disaster. 

“I stayed with you because you made me feel guilty!” Y/N choked on a sob. “For years I wondered why I didn’t feel a connection with you so I thought staying with you would bring us closer. But instead, you dropped the you’re adopted bomb on me; on my birthday!”

Her mother had the audacity to shrug. 

“You probably would have found out eventually. I simply sped up the process.” 

Y/N shook her head. “You’re unbelievable.” 

“Because I tell the truth? You think people are going to stay with you with the lifestyle you’ve chosen?” 

“Oh, gods, we’re back on this again?” Y/N ran a hand through her hair. “I have a lot of people that support me.” 

 “Who? Your friend?” Her mom pointed a firm finger towards the hallway where I was still hiding around the corner. “Do you think he is going to wait around?” 

For years if I have to. 

“No. No one will, Y/N. You’re like your father with these pipe dreams.” 

“Pipe dreams? I didn’t realize wanting a family was a pipe dream,” Y/N spat. 

Her mother gave her a somber smile, clicking her teeth. “Kouklamou, I thought we talked about this. You can’t have a family, not the traditional way anyway. You need to realize that no man is going to want to go through all that trouble to have a child. It’s not worth it.” 

Y/N and I both flinched at the same time, those words almost verbatim with what Trey used to say to her. There I stood, my fists clenched by my sides, I rolled my shoulders back, glaring towards the petite brunette with dark eyes. 

I was feeling triggered while I observed this entire thing; it felt intrusive at first but now feels like I’m behind fifty feet of glass.

It made sense now, why this loving bond between Y/N and I was inaccessible. In this mode, I had to take great care not to damage these bonds of love, this relationship, this friendship, and this woman in front of me, who very early on became everything to my heart and soul. For in time, the glass disappeared and my love returned stronger.

I understood.

From my corner, I could see how the kitchen table had seen every emotion, from the sweet silent happiness of family times, when the only sound is contented enjoyment, to the rage that bursts out in the hard times; I understood. 

I refused to stand there and let it sour, not to her. Never to her.

Sobs played like a sad tune and I noticed Y/N was crying, hastily whipping away the tears. 

“I can’t believe I continue to let you in my life, knowing how you’ll treat me. Girls are supposed to look up to their mothers as idols, to learn from them how to be mothers. But you’ve shown me how not to treat my kids in the future.” 

“We’ve talked about this, Y/N. The chances of you becoming a mother are not in the cards for you. Neither is this musical career. You need to face reality.”

Fuck this. 

As I stepped into view of them, Y/N pointed to the front door. “I don’t need you to come in here and tell me how to run my life, I’m done with this.” 

“Y/n-.” 

“You heard her,” I spoke while standing next to Y/N, immediately wrapping my arm around her shoulder to pull her into my chest. 

My heart broke at how quickly she grasped onto my shirt, not wanting me to let her go. 

“Excuse me? This is a private matter between my daughter and me. This doesn't concern you,” her mom’s eyes sliced into me. 

“It does. Because it’s Y/N.” 

Her mom’s gaze bounced between the two of us, almost waiting for Y/N to object to my words, but instead, she stood firm, sniffing away her tears. 

“You need to leave.” 

With one final glare, Y/N’s mom snatched her purse off the couch while muttering something Greek under her breath before she slammed the door behind her; all the negative energy leaving in waves. 

“Y/N,” I tried to make her look at me but she kept her head cast down. 

“I can’t, Noah,” she cried. 

I lifted her chin with a firm finger and sucked in a breath as broken, bloodshot eyes stared back at me. 

“Don’t ever hide from me, angel. You know that.” 

Y/N kept her gaze firm on my face. “She does this every time. I don’t know why I continue to let her. I’m just a girl who wants her mother's love, is that so wrong?” 

“Angel,” I murmured while pulling her into my embrace, brushing a kiss across her forehead. 

NOAH

My fingers drummed against the marble counter in front of me while Davis set out various ingredients. We were currently streaming the two of us cooking BLTs, something for the fans to enjoy and watch. I was reading some of the comments, smiling at a few then cringing at some others. 

Davis handed me a block of cheese. “Cut this up for me, would ya?” 

With it in one hand, I playfully spit on my hand before giving it a nice smack. 

“Hm, imagining that someone's ass?” He smirked under his breath. 

I gave him a light shove. “Fuck off.” 

We spent the next long while goofing off and having fun for the stream. It was nice to let my mind focus on something else besides Y/N and her mom. I spent the rest of the night at her place, holding her in my arms as she cried herself to sleep. The familiar scent of her lingered on me as I tucked her softly in her bed. Before I walked out of her house, I ran into Chase and Malcolm, whose parting words stuck with me all day.

“She needs you more than she’ll admit. It may not seem like it but she does.” 

Y/N texted me this morning to thank me for being there for her and say that if she went M.I.A for a while today, it’s only because Hollow Souls were in the studio recording. I didn't ask how she was feeling after the surprise visit from her mom. Y/N would tell me, if she wanted to, when she was ready.

“Alright, let’s read some comments,” Davis suggested as we finished up the cook-off; me winning.

He held Max in his hands, every so often giving him kisses. As I read a few comments out loud and responded, the dog practically begged me for attention when a familiar username appeared on the screen. 

Y/NHollowSouls: Noah Sebastian, I swear to Hades himself. You kiss Max right now or I’ll come over there and kick your ass.

I laughed while shaking my head. “Alright, Max. Come here! Let me give you some love.” 

I scratched the dog's ear while leaving a soft kiss on his nose then looked back to the computer screen to see Y/N leave another comment. 

Y/NHollowSouls: Good, that’s better. Now I need to taste this famous BLT that won. 

“Then get your ass over here. Bring some coconut water because Noah drank the last one,” Davis said once he read the comment. 

My heart began to beat widely in my chest at the thought of seeing Y/N again. 

Y/NHollowSouls: fuck yes. Noah, have that sandwich ready for me.

We ended the stream shortly after that but my eyes lingered on the black screen for a long moment. Davis immediately picked up on my quiet mood and knocked on the countertop.

“Noah?” 

My name was white noise, still staring at zoning out in front of me. 

“Earth to Noah! Come in Herc! Come in Herc!” 

“What?” My eyes snapped over to Davis, finally breaking out of my trance. 

“What I thought.” He smirks before getting serious. “Are you alright?” 

I gave a weak smile towards Davis. “Yeah. I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” 

He motioned towards the laptop. “I know you’re not actually fine right now but-.” 

I ran a hand over my face, doing my best to keep my breathing calm and even. “I’ll be fine, I promise. It just fucking hurts.” 

Davis shifted on his feet, hesitation clear on his face. “Why? No disrespect to Y/N at all, you know I love her-we all do. But why did you choose to stay in touch? After all the hurt you’ve gone through.”

My vision was direct with his. “Because I’d rather have her from afar to make sure she’s alright than to not have her in my life at all. Besides, she’s going through a lot of shit, something no one should go through alone. I won’t let her.” 

A grin spread across his face and he nodded. “I knew it. I just wanted to hear you admit it. But you need to end this shit with Bailey.” 

“I already did.” 

“Fuck,” Davis’ eyes widened. “Finally. How did she take it?” 

I nervously rubbed the back of my neck. “That’s the thing, she didn’t answer. I left her a voicemail.” 

“A voicemail? Damn, do you think she got the message?” Davis wondered while be began cleaning up the mess. 

I, instead, began making another sandwich for Y/N, knowing she’d be here soon. “I fucking hope so. If not, then she’s probably testing me to see if I’d change my mind.” 

“But you won't, right?” 

I snorted. “Fat chance.”

Davis turned towards me, drying his hands on a towel. “So you broke up with Bailey. What’s the next step with Y/N?” 

“I need to talk to her first. There’s a lot we need to talk about,” I said while pulling out a cold can of Dr. Pepper from the fridge. 

“Hey, that’s the last one,” he exclaimed. 

I merely shrugged while setting a place at the kitchen table for Y/N. “It’s for Y/N.” 

Davis, as much as he tried to be upset, chuckled. “In all seriousness, Noah, you know we’re here to support you. We have your back.” 

I smiled at one of my best friends. “I know.” 

Just then a knock sounded on the front door and before Davis could answer it, I quickly closed the short distance and opened it with a smile; only for it to drop seeing Y/N standing on the other side with a frown. 

“What’s wrong?” I questioned while allowing her to step inside and led her to Davis’ kitchen. 

“Chase’s birthday is on Friday and the venue I booked for it just canceled on me. Something about a pipe bursting and the room is flooded,” she exasperated while falling into the chair at the table. 

“What are you going to do?” I questioned while sitting across from her. 

Davis joined us at the table, taking the coconut water from Y/N with a small smile. 

“Thankfully since they have to cancel, I get my deposit back but Malcolm is freaking out,” she waved her phone around. “We have two days to figure out somewhere new for this surprise party.” 

“You can have it at my place,” I suggested. 

Y/N took a long drink of her soda. “Are you sure? Don’t you think you should talk with the rest of the guys first?” 

I snatched a chip off her plate and shrugged. “They won’t mind.” 

“Sei un tesoro, mochi,” she patted my cheek. 

Davis choked on his drink and my eyes snapped over to him. “I don’t want to hear it!” 

He held up his hands. “I didn’t hear anything.”

Y/N smirked before taking the first bite of her sandwich and groaned. “Oh shit, this is good. No wonder you won, Noah.” 

With a prideful smirk, I motioned to the rest of her plate. “Finish up. I’ll call the guys and have them meet here and we can plan Chase’s party.” 

At one point, Davis left to take Max for a walk, leaving Y/N and I alone. We sat silently and enjoyed the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seemed only the old could sit next to one another, not say anything, and still feel content. The young, brash, and impatient, must always break the silence. It’s a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.

“Oh, I never noticed the great view Davis has,” Y/N mused while pushing away her empty plate. 

Realizing it was almost time for the sun to set, I quickly cleaned up for her and motioned towards the back door. 

“Let’s go sit outside for a bit, yeah?” I suggested. 

READER

Noah and I sat comfortably on the patio bench, a blanket draped over both of our legs as we stared out at the vast greens of Davis’ backyard. The sky was painted in bright oranges with hints of pink and purple. Silently, I thought to myself that I should have brought my art supplies, noting this would be a beautiful experience to paint. 

The silence between Noah and I was comforting, something you don’t find all that often. People always needed to talk rather than just listen to the world around them. The way the birds chirped, the faint noises of evening traffic, or the sound of the wind as it blew a chilly breeze. 

“Angel?” 

I hummed while looking over towards Noah. 

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Is there-I don’t know-anything you really want besides music right now?”

“I want a studio, with giant canvas’, paint; just an art studio galore! I’ve gotten into the hobby and love it,” I answered with a bright smile. “I was even thinking of using some of my art for the album artwork. Just playing with ideas.”

Noah’s smile matched mine as he let his hair loose from the hair tie, letting it fall to his shoulders in waves. “I love that you found something else you’re so passionate about, angel.”

“I love painting. I really do,” I leaned farther back against the couch and rested my head against it. 

“So paint. You should do whatever your heart desires, Y/N.” 

“Thank you, mochi” I nudged him. 

Noah rested his head against the couch, inches away from mine as another thought came to mind. 

“You know,” I started with a long sigh. “When I was a kid, I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else” 

“You wanted to be petty and dishonest?“ He joked.

“Not everyone is like that,” I defended with a shake of my head. 

“Yes they are,” Noah retorted back. “But not you. You’re not like that.” 

This had me sitting up straighter, Noah following me. “How do you know what I’m like?”

“I see you,” He shifted closer to me, hand brushing across my knee over the blanket. “I’ve seen you for a long time. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met”.

My heart beat widely in my chest, the noise deafening in my ears and I cleared my throat. 

“I think you are too. If I’m being honest, I think I’ve always sorta known that,” I admitted. 

“You know,” Noah’s hand rested on my knee. “With me bouncing between homes and couches growing up, I always thought I’d be alone. I’d never expected to have such an amazing group of friends.” 

“Sometimes maybe it’s better to be alone,” I shrugged while looking past his shoulder to an older couple watching in the neighborhood. 

“Why do you say that?”

I still kept my gaze off Noah, voice dropping low. “Nobody can hurt you.”

“Y/N,” Noah sighed and lifted my chin so I could meet his intense gaze. “I would never, ever hurt you.”

Those eyes. I’ve dreamed of those eyes almost every night since our first meeting so long ago. I won’t say I’m in love, not out loud, but I am. I came to terms with that a while ago. 

“I know, mochi,” I finally whispered. 

Noah’s thumb traced over my jawline. “I understand why it’s hard for you, Y/N. But know that when I’m with you, I don’t feel alone.”

That magnetic pull that always seemed to connect us with that invisible string made me lean closer to him needing his warmth to envelop me. 

“I’ve never had this instant connection with anyone. I know you understand it too,” he continued. 

With my continued silence, Noah sat up straighter but kept his grip on my chin. “Are you freaked out? Because not hearing you say anything kind of-.” 

“Noah- no,” I rested my hands on his chest. “I feel it too.” 

His hand grasped the back of my neck now, tilting my head up towards him, as we began to lead in closer, and when his warm breath fanned over my lips, I let my eyes flutter shut. 

“Hey guys-oh shit.” 

Quickly pushing away from Noah, I peered over my shoulder to see Malcolm leaning against the back door. 

“We’re all inside ready to talk about the party. Whenever you two decide to grace us,” Malcolm winked before slipping back inside. 

Clearing my throat, I let the realization sink in what Noah and I were about to do. He’s with Bailey and I was ready to kiss him. I’m not this kind of person but yet here I was again being caught between him and my conscious. Bailey, as intrusive as she was, didn’t deserve this. 

Noah tried to bring me back to him but I quickly stood up, giving us more space. 

“We can’t do this. Not again,” my hair shook widely around my shoulders. “It’s not fair to Bailey.” 

“I ended it.” 

I blinked. “Wha-Oh? You did?” 

As ecstatic as I was hearing this, I did my best to hide it. I didn’t want Noah to know inside I was jumping for fucking joy; like a kid on Christmas that received the toy they’d been wanting. 

Noah stood from the couch now, standing in front of me. “I think Bailey saw me as Noah on the big screen, not me the person and after everything at that dinner I just knew it was time.” 

“I’m-I’m sorry,” I stammered, not knowing what else to say. 

His brows furrowed. “Why? It wasn’t serious. There wasn’t that connection; like the one we have.” 

As my lips parted, it was Jesse now who interrupted us, taking a bite of the apple in his hand. “Are you guys coming or what?” 

Noah cursed while running a hand through his hair and I shakily pointed over his shoulder. 

“We should head inside. Talk about this party.” 

Not wanting to spend another second out here, afraid to finally give in to the thoughts that were screaming at me, I gently brushed past him to return inside.

GREEK TRANSLATIONS:

Koukla-doll

Kouklamou- my doll

“Giatí échei makriá malliá?”- Why does he have long hair?

"Eísai apísteftos"-you're unbelievable

ITALIAN TRANSLATIONS:

Sei un tesoro-you're a sweetheart.

[its-a-pain-having-a-name]

For all it’s oh these things are a sign of madness, all the activities said to be done by spiral avatars is actually really fun. Like making monstrosities of clay, coffee which keeps you up at night, even drawing fractals it’s really rather relaxing it gets you into a zen meditative state, repeating the same sets of rules over and over again.

Like the voice of Michael and it’s rants are calming, they don’t really go on as lengthy rants as we remember and they don’t use so many metaphors or poetic descriptions.

But yeah the spiral for all it’s maddenings actually is pretty chill.

Also think about it letting go of certainty and right or wrong is so freeing, you’re just a deluded liar and so’s everything else. If someone is rude to you well that’s what they believe, it’s not really an us thing.

Also you start to think more abstractly, like as in being able to see how arbitrary and made up language and mathematics is, and social structures too.

Also then there is the ideas of absurdity, like we are nothing and kind of something, all things lie, and we’re no exception. So like accept others, because to them their delusions are truth as are your own.

Like chill out and stop trying to impose logic on yourself and others when you are illogical, abstract concepts

You know? It’s actually really great

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Darkness Declares Glory | Chapter 23 FINAL | S.R

Previous Chapter

A/N - final chapter! This one skips forward a couple of months.

Chapter Summary - Spencer’s friends join him celebrating a milestone in his sobriety and Luke has a special surprise in store for him to commemorate the occasion.

Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - dark angst | smut | eventual happy ending.

Warnings - rehab, swearing, making out, lots of fluff. WC - 3k

Chapter 23 - Long Promised Road

Crescent Oak Rehabilitation Facility was more or less exactly what Spencer imagined a rehab centre to be like. It was almost eerily calming, his first few weeks here he’d almost been on edge by just how serene it was. 

There was always some kind of soft music playing from speakers he often couldn’t even see. Meditation was highly encouraged, as were walks in the zen garden. Patients were required to wear all white linens and white canvas shoes. The only good thing was that he was here voluntarily, so if he wanted to leave he could. And a few times he almost did. 

At first Spencer couldn’t help but wonder what the fuck he’d done. He felt more as though he’d joined a cult than checked into a rehab facility. For at least a week, maybe longer he considered leaving every single day. But he just kept telling himself, give it one more day, it will get better. Just one more day.

Around the middle of his second week Spencer found he woke up one day and didn’t hate it here. He didn’t begrudge getting in his white linens, he hummed along to the soft music playing through mysterious speakers and he actively joined in a meditation session. And ever since then he’d felt oddly at peace at Crescent Oaks. 

He met with a therapist once a day, one on one, no group sessions thank god. He ate his three meals, he showered every day without fuss. He partook in arts and crafts, read in the library and went on nature walks. And not only did he tolerate it, he actually liked it. 

Thankfully he’d gotten over the hardest part of his recovery in comas and catatonic states. He still had the occasional withdrawal and of course there were still days when he wanted to use. But they were few and far between these days. 

He’d initially checked himself in for three months - he wanted to reach his six month milestone before he even considered going it alone. After those three months he had the option to stay for as long as he thought he needed. It was comforting to know he wouldn’t be on his own. 

His old team visited every chance they could. Crescent Oaks allowed visitors every day between the hours of six pm and nine pm and he had a visitor at least four times a week if not more. Usually it was Garcia when the team were on cases and they would take walks together and chat aimlessly amongst themselves. 

His wounds were slowly starting to heal, both the mental and physical ones. Of course his scars remained and always would but Spencer now looked at them like they were badges of honour, proof he survived the worst life had to throw at him. He was proud to wear them for the world to see. 

Luke continued to see Y/N. He hadn’t told Spencer at first but Spencer could just tell. And once he got over his initial jealousy he had actually been pleased that you had someone like Luke in your life. 

He didn’t let himself ask about you, despite the fact he was always thinking about you. Sometimes Luke would say, “I saw Y/N yesterday,” and Spencer would nod and smile and change the subject. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk about you, because he did. But talking about you often left Spencer feeling miserable with how much he missed you and right now he only had the brain capacity to focus on one area of his life. And that had to be his recovery this time. 

He still wore your bracelet. Maybe one day he’d take it off, but for now he found comfort in it. It made him feel connected to you in the way he hoped having his one year sober chip felt for you. It was some kind of reminder that the two of you were still entwined, bound to each other in ways even he didn’t truly understand. 

When Luke had told him a few weeks after he checked into Crescent Oaks that you’d been to visit him while he was catatonic, he’d been at a complete loss for words. He must have disassociated by the point as he had absolutely no recollection of you being there. 

He hated that he couldn’t remember something so important but maybe it had been a blessing in disguise. If he’d been conscious of you being there while he was trapped inside the shell of his body that wouldn’t move to his command, he would have hated Luke for bringing you there. 

But knowing you had been there was comforting in a way, it meant you still cared. Maybe one day he’d get the chance to thank you.

***

Spencer was mildly overwhelmed at all the eyes that were on him, shrinking in on himself a little and wrapping his arms around himself. He’d never liked to be the centre of attention, but there was no getting out of this. He’d asked his therapist if they could just make it a lowkey affair but she simply smiled and shook her head.

“Trust me, Spencer, in the months or years to come, you will be glad you marked this milestone with all your closest friends.” 

He rolled his bottom lip between his teeth, averting his gaze to the floor as his therapist stood and addressed the room. 

“Thank you all for being here, this is a big day in Spencer’s recovery and having all his friends here means the world to him. Even if it doesn’t seem like it.” Jessica laughed slightly as did the others in the room. All except for Spencer. “He’s told me all about his long struggle with drug abuse and his mental health and I for one am so proud of him for getting here. The first six months are the hardest on the road to recovery and so I am overjoyed to be able to present him with his six month chip.”

Jessica cleared her throat when she finished speaking and Spencer tentatively glanced up at her, still chewing frantically on his lip. She was holding out his new golden chip, motioning for him to stand and join her. He swallowed thickly, pushing himself up to his feet and shuffling over to her.

“Uh, thanks.” His cheeks burned as he took the chip from her hand and rolled it between his fingers.

“Speech!” Luke hollered with a chuckle. 

“Come on kid, we didn’t come all the way out here for nothing.” Rossi goaded him. 

“After all we’ve done for you, it's the least you can do.” Tara teased. 

Spencer finally looked up, glancing at the seven faces in the room. The seven people he loved most in the world who had gone to the ends of the earth to help him on every step of his recovery. These seven people were the reason he was still standing, the reason he was able to stand here today and proclaim that he was six months sober.

“I hate being the centre of attention. And I hate public speaking.” he scuffed the toe of his converse on the worn carpet. “But I guess I do owe you, honestly I don’t think I will ever be able to put into words just how much. Without each of you, I know for a fact I wouldn’t be here, I would most likely be dead. I know I’ve been difficult to be around, I know I’ve given you all a hard time but for some reason you’ve stuck by me and I am so grateful for that, you have no idea. 

I don’t know how exactly I got so lucky as to have you all in my life. And I certainly don’t tell you all enough just how much I love and appreciate you all. To be able to stand here and say I am officially six months sober, I wouldn’t have made it here without each and every one of you. Emily, Luke, the two of you probably got the brunt of my frustrations and anger and I am really very sorry for that. But between the two of you, uh, you…” He got choked up and swallowed, closing his eyes as he finished the sentence. “The two of you saved my life. And I don’t even know how to begin thanking you for that.”

When he opened his eyes his tears overflowed and he noticed several of his old team had also gotten teary eyed. JJ and Garcia were holding hands, both crying as they looked at him. Luke’s eyes were glossy with unshed and Emily turned her head to wipe her eyes. 

“I, uh, I guess that’s it.” Spencer sniffed, running his thumb over the chip’s engraving. “I still don’t know what normal feels like but I, uh, feel decent.” 

The seven of them, plus Jessica, started clapping loudly, cheering and Matt even whistled. Spencer smiled, wiping his eyes with his free hand while his cheeks flushed pink. One by one they came over and hugged him tightly, congratulating him on this huge achievement. 

“What are your plans, Reid?” Matt was the one to ask the million dollar question while they all crowded around him. 

“I think I’m gonna stay here, just a little longer. I don’t think I’d relapse if I left now but I just wanna be sure.” He pocketed the chip but kept his hand wrapped around it. 

“I think that’s both smart and brave of you to admit.” Tara smiled at him.

“We are so, so proud of you Spence.” JJ still had tears in her eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah alright.” He rolled his eyes with a soft chuckle. “Can we turn the attention on someone else now?” 

The seven members of his old team looked between each other, slightly guilty looks on their faces that weren’t lost on Spencer. He frowned, looking between them in turn while he tried to figure out what was going on.

“What’s happening?” He asked no one in particular. “I’ve missed something.”

“I mean now you’ve mentioned turning the attention onto someone else, we do kinda have a surprise visitor for you.” Luke spoke, giving him a sheepish smile. 

But Spencer could tell exactly what he wasn’t saying. His brain was so much clearer these days, it was almost working back at its full capacity and he knew what, or rather who Luke was referring to.

“No.” Spencer shook his head, his stomach coiling into knots and more tears flooded his vision. “No way.”

Penelope smiled brightly, tottering over to the door on her too high heels and slowly gripping the handle. Spencer stared at the closed door, tears rolling silently down his cheeks and he inadvertently held his breath. 

Garcia leisurely opened the door, clearing trying to build the suspense, which admittedly worked. Spencer’s heart hammered rapantly against his chest, causing him to feel a little nauseous. His hands were shaking, he worried his knees might buckle beneath him.

When the door was finally all the way open, you stepped into view, teeth digging heavily into your bottom lip and your hands stuffed deep inside of your pockets. As soon as you locked eyes on him, your own tears overflowed but you found yourself frozen to the spot.

When Luke had told you over coffee one afternoon that Spencer was due to celebrate his six months sober and invited you to come, initially you’d quickly declined and shut the conversation down. You were doing well in the outside world, still living at the halfway house and enjoying your job at the diner. 

You were keeping yourself afloat but the idea of seeing Spencer again was too much for you to even contemplate. Not now. Maybe not ever. You were eleven months sober, you couldn’t risk any bump in that road.

You still weren’t sure, as you stood here now, what changed your mind. Luke hadn’t pressured you to come, he’d never mentioned it again after the first time. But the overwhelming need to see him with your own eyes, to confirm he was in fact alive and ok had driven you to be here today. It had only been yesterday when Luke popped by the diner for dinner that you’d told him you would come. 

And now as you stared at Spencer from the doorway, you knew you’d made the right call. Seeing him looking healthy and happy filled you with pride and the last thing you wanted to do was ruin your sobriety. You wanted to be sober alongside him. 

“Y/N.” He croaked out your name, wobbling a little on his feet. 

“Hi Spence.” Your voice cracked. 

“We’ll give you two a minute.” Emily spoke on behalf of her team and the seven of them, and Jessica, left the room as you took a few steps inside. 

The door was closed behind you as you cautiously approached Spencer. He didn’t move, seemingly frozen to the spot. You noticed the frayed end of your purple and gold bracelet poking out the sleeve of his sweater and it filled you with joy to know he still wore it.

“I, uh, I hope you don’t mind me coming. Luke invited me and at first I didn’t think it would be a good idea but…” you trailed off, sniffing back your tears. “But I really wanted to see you.”

“Are you really here?” Spencer choked. “I’m not imagining things?”

You smiled at him, cautiously stepping closer to him. You were steady in your movements as you reached out and took hold of his hand. You brought his hand to your lips and pressed them against his knuckles softly. The action caused Spencer to whimper slightly, even more tears now falling from his eyes.

“Do you believe me? I’m really here, Spence.” You were still holding his hand and he used it to pull you closer to him. 

Your chests crashed together, and he used his free hand to wrap around your waist, his large hand taking purchase on your lower back while he kept hold of your hand in his other. You looked up at him and he was smiling down on you. You could feel his heart beating against you and you were sure he could feel yours. He bowed his head closer to you, resting your foreheads together. 

“I might need a little more convincing.” His lip tugged into a smirk and before you knew what you were doing, you were crushing your lips together.

Spencer hummed into your mouth, holding you firmly in place while parting your lips with his tongue. The kiss was like nothing the two of you had ever shared before. It was a new beginning, a fresh start. It was hope and it was home all in one. 

It didn’t last particularly long, but the passion between the two of you was clear. When he pulled back he kept his arm around you, but let go of your hand in lieu of cupping your cheek.

“I think…I think I’m bound to you.” You whispered shakily. “I probably have been since the moment we met. I think I meant what I said before about us, at least at the time I did. But I can’t imagine my life without you in it, Spence.” 

“You don’t have to.” He stroked your cheek with his fingertips. “I think we were meant to find each other, Y/N. I think in some kind of fucked up way, the two of us are perfect for each other. On paper, two addicts shouldn’t work together, but I think we can be the exception to that. I don’t believe we will pull each other down, I think we’ll only raise the other up. Our sobriety is so important to both of us, I truly believe we can aid each other through recovery.”

“I think so too.” You nodded. “Spence, I love you.” 

He felt his heart swell to double the size and he held you tighter, almost impossibly closer to him.

“I feel like I’ve loved you my whole life.” He confessed, brushing his lips over yours. 

“I may not have loved you for my whole life, but I know for a fact that I will love you for the rest of my life.” You breathed him in, knowing that you only had a limited amount of time together for now. 

“The minute I get out of here I am taking you to dinner. The most incredible dinner you’ve ever had in your life.” He smiled at you, chuckling lightly.

“I will hold you to that.” You laughed too. 

He kissed you again, somehow more passionate than the last which seemed impossible but yet here you were. You wrapped your arms around his neck, fingers grazing the hair at the base of his neck. He moaned softly into your mouth at the sensation but tried to keep himself from getting too riled up. There would be plenty of time for that once he left Crescent Oaks. For now he had to keep it PG13.

When the kiss broke he looked you deep in the eyes, right through to your soul. It caused your knees to buckle a little and Spencer smiled, helping you remain upright. His other hand joined his first on your face, cupping it lightly and wiping at your tears with his thumbs. 

“For so long all I’ve seen is darkness,” he whispered, staring deep into your eyes. “But you, angel, you are and always have been my guiding light.”

With that he kissed you once more, all his love and adoration for you communicated without the use of words. You’d gotten used to your life being shrouded in darkness, almost grown accustomed to it in a weird way. 

But Spencer had shined a light on you that was so bright it had banished all of your demons to the shadows. It wasn’t to say they would never rear their ugly heads, but as long as Spencer was by your side fighting them with you, it didn’t seem so daunting anymore. 

“The darkness declares the glory of light.” - T.S Eliot

@tiredmilky @thatsonezesty13 @1mechanicalalligator @elle-28 @academiareid

[talonabraxas]

The Key to the Spiritual Dimension by Eckhart Tolle

In life-threatening emergency situations, the shift in consciousness from time to presence sometimes happens naturally. The personality that has a past and a future momentarily recedes and is replaced by an intense conscious presence, very still but very alert at the same time. Whatever response is needed then arises out of that state of consciousness.

The reason why some people love to engage in dangerous activities, such as mountain climbing, car racing, and so on, although they may not be aware of it, is that it forces them into the Now — that intensely alive state that is free of time, free of problems, free of thinking, free of the burden of the personality. Slipping away from the present moment even for a second may mean death. Unfortunately, they come to depend on a particular activity to be in that state.

But you don’t need to climb the north face of the Eiger. You can enter that state now.

Since ancient times, spiritual masters of all traditions have pointed to the Now as the key to the spiritual dimension. Despite this, it seems to have remained a secret.

It is certainly not taught in churches and temples. If you go to a church, you may hear readings from the Gospels such as “Take no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself,” or “Nobody who puts his hands to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God.” Or you might hear the passage about the beautiful flowers that are not anxious about tomorrow but live with ease in the timeless Now and are provided for abundantly by God.

The depth and radical nature of these teachings are not recognized. No one seems to realize that they are meant to be lived and so bring about a profound inner transformation.

The whole essence of Zen consists in walking along the razor’s edge of Now — to be so utterly, so completely present that no problem, no suffering, nothing that is not who you are in your essence, can survive in you. In the Now, in the absence of time, all your problems dissolve. Suffering needs time; it cannot survive in the Now.

The great Zen master Rinzai, in order to take his students’ attention away from time, would often raise his finger and slowly ask: “What, at this moment, is lacking?” A powerful question that does not require an answer on the level of the mind. It is designed to take your attention deeply into the Now. A similar question in the Zen tradition is this: “If not now, when?”

The Now is also central to the teaching of Sufism, the mystical branch of Islam. Sufis have a saying: “The Sufi is the son of time present.” And Rumi, the great poet and teacher of Sufism, declares: “Past and future veil God from our sight; burn up both of them with fire.”

Meister Eckhart, the thirteenth-century spiritual teacher, summed it all up beautifully: “Time is what keeps the light from reaching us. There is no greater obstacle to God than time.”

[itsdrawingmen]

I saw a dunmeshi art where they lined up the characters in their underwear, and got brainworms from it. I'm not really good at painted studies, it turns out, or maybe it just didn't work right now, but I like how the drawing came out. It was an excercise in different bodies, and I think they’re all neat.

Some headcanons and musings:

Zen has boobs, tits even, but that's canon, and all the time I was drawing him I was thinking about that selfie from his album where he's wearing a half-buttoned white shirt and his cleavage is visible. I am looking at him respectfully (not really, I am looking at him like this:

He's shaved everywhere, and he wears very plain, neutral-coloured underwear. His normal state is being pretty meaty, but he doesn’t like himself that way. He’s often dried out for his roles.

Yoosung is narrow-chested, thin, covered in moles, and comparatively kinda hairy — not by my European standards, but compared to the others here. He doesn't care about shaving, for himself or anyone else. He often wears funky boxers, and has sort of got a collection. Even when it's not funky-printed, his underwear is usually bright-coloured. He's cringe, but he's free. Also, not pictured, but he’s often covered in hickeys, normally from the chest up. Not gonna say who leaves them, but anyone who knows me even a little can take a wild guess 👀

Jaehee is wide in the hips and big-breasted. Her underwear is normally mismatched, because she doesn't care. The only thing she cares about is that it doesn't show through her clothes. In the canon timeline, she usually wears those thick stiff heavily padded bras that smooth everything out, and then over the course of the postcanon she gradually switches to softer cups. She's sedentary, often stressed, and doesn't eat well, so she's not really thin. She has acne on her face, neck, back, chest, and shoulders. She shaves because she’s too used to it, but she gradually gets more relaxed about it.

Next up is Joori Nam, the MC. She's a big, tall young woman, quite heavy and strong. She likes to show off her edgy and feisty personality in clothes and underwear, and she's also pretty expressive and energetic in gestures. She's depressed and a self-harmer. She barely shaves, only where is absolutely necessary to look ‘presentable’ for work. Otherwise, she can’t be assed.

The Chois are emaciated and scarred. They've both got some mild pectus excavatum. The Mother Choi used to stub cigarettes on them, and Saeran has got it worse.

Saeyoung is slightly more muscular and slightly less scarred. He has knobby square fingers, and nails bitten to almost nothing. He's also an active self-harmer. He's missing several toenails. All of his underwear is a little baggy on him.

Saeran is even thinner and less muscular. He has a lot of piercings, and his tattoo is blacked out into a full sleeve. He has barely any body hair at all. He is pretty much covered in cigarette burn scars, as well as scars from being whipped with cables, and several deep and crooked scars from gashes made with glass bottles.

Jumin, without his PR team, can't pose for shit. He is good at doing what they tell him, and he looks fine when photographed candidly, but as soon as he starts posing on his own, he just looks awkward and stiff. He has a weird case of CEO-body, where he's fit, but also weirdly soft in unexpected places (namely, his chest and arms). He shaves because it's 'hygienic'. He also wears briefs. Sorry, to me he looks like someone who wears briefs.

Jihyun is normally pretty toned, but after the whole ordeal with Rika and having to cover for her he has gained some weight and gotten soft. He has a long torso and wider hips and a bit of a belly. He hunches his back a lot, and picks at the skin of his fingers.

Rika is slender and dancerly, and very traditionally feminine. She’s small and graceful, not muscular, but soft, with smooth porcelain skin. She wears lingerie, always matching, always beautiful, and pretty much only owns thongs and tanga. Somehow, despite always looking up at people, she can easily make you feel like she’s looking down at you.

[iwriteasfotini]

tumblr hiatus was as success and a failure. I missed my peeps, AND I got so much work done. AND I ended it a day early. AND I cheated and logged on a few times. Anyways, not sure what the take away is but I start posting The Heir and The Spare in a week. SEVEN DAYS!!! I'm literally about to scream and rip out my hair I'm so excited. Then again, this is a long journey, so patience and zen will be required.

But did you know that IRL I'm writing year seven, and we have a multiple POV work, but it is happening in big chunks, not chapter to chapter.

Here's a gift for you short MAJOR JEGULUS, unedited though so grace please.

TW: some mildly violent imagery, reference to sexual activity

Regulus POV

...

“James,” he whispered into the dark bedroom. 

“Hmm?”

“Will you still love me when —”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“Yes. There is no distance, no time, no place, no state of being in which I do not love you Regulus.”

“Even when we are old,” Regulus whispered. 

“Mostly then. Forever. [edited a bit out for spoilers] I chose you Regulus. In every possible way you could come to me, with every breath. I will love you with a heart in one hand and a dagger in the other. Nothing you do will make me stop loving you.”

“That’s a bit violent,” said Regulus softly. 

“Babe, you are sort of a violent person. But it isn’t your fault. And here,” James pressed his hand to Regulus’ chest, “here you are pure, perfect.” And Regulus couldn’t deny that he felt it, his fractured but no longer split soul. It was healing. It was knitting. It was perfect. 

“I think we should do some more blow jobs, that seemed to really help.”

James let out a soft chuckle, “I mean, I’m not going to try to dissuade you.”

Regulus smiled and brushed his lips across James’ neck. “Je t’aime. Je t’aime. Je ressens cet amour quand je t'embrasse.” I love you. I love you. I feel that love when I kiss you.

...

I would like to add how much CR influenced my characterization of James and Regulus in my series. HEAVILY. If it was a rock it would be a f*$%ing boulder.

[collywobbles-n-whatnot]

Extra extra! Arthur x Reader: part 1

Tabloid Journalist! Undercover! Reader x Old money! Yandere! Tutor

“What are your socials?” He thumbs through his phone as he waits for you to pack up, rather impatiently. Arthur had been tutoring you for the last hour or two. While he started with just English it was clear after a couple sessions that your math, history, science, and- well pretty much everything needed a spruce up. The idea of someone under his tutelage looking that dumb under his care ground his gears. So now the study sessions lasted hours for most days of the week. 

“You getting soft on me Artie? What happened to- This is just tutoring. I’m not your friend and I never will be,” You made your voice nasally and pushed up some imaginary glasses. 

“And we won’t be. I just want your instagram,” He rolls his eyes and subconsciously adjusts his very real glasses. You were everything he detested in most people his age. You had no manners, you didn’t take much of anything seriously, you were all play and no work. Or so he thought. The longer the two of you spent time with one another he realized maybe the things he thought were common were actually quite… good. 

“I don’t have one. I don’t have any social media actually. I find life more zen without them,” You shrug and sling your bag over your shoulder. 

“Pretentious, but alright.” 

“Oh, I do not want to hear that from you. Mr. I only read classic literature and drink plain hot black tea,” the empty library and setting sun added to the pressure of getting going, “Can you watch my things real quick actually. I have to run to the bathroom before I skedattle.”

“Got a hot date?” He leaned back on the hind legs of his chair. The question left a bitter taste in his mouth but it was entirely plausible. You shouldn’t be focusing on dates with the state of your grades but you weren’t unattractive. It wouldn’t surprise him if you were asked out by some of the jackasses he sees hanging all over you upon occasion. Maybe if you shared socials he can keep tabs and make sure you’re putting your energy in the right activities. 

“No, I just have dinner with Professor Lysander a couple nights a week in town. A home cooked meal beats the cafeteria any day,” The school cafeteria was nothing to sniff at. Five star chefs catered every meal of the day and even snacks. There was always something about home cooked meals though, growing up with family dinners you were elated to finally be rid of them as an adult, but as it turns out it just wasn’t the same without them. You try and not let on just how urgent the whole bathroom thing was weighing on you but you definitely wanted to finish this conversation quickly. Arthur pulled a disgusted face that just screamed ‘Egads! How uncouth!’ In that posh accent of his. 

“At his house? That’s a bit inappropriate, don’t you think? What if he’s some kind of closet psycho?” He let his chair fall back into place with a muted thud. 

“Nah, it’s fine. I’ll be right back,” you waved him off absentmindedly and subtly sped off to the restroom. Arthur scoffed and eyed your bag sitting where you sat in your stead. He looked around to see if there was anyone else around before flipping it open and peering inside, your pins jingled softly with the motion.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. There were books, pens, pads, and a tube of lipgloss. The pockets however were also full. Keys, gum, and… a camera. Cameras were strictly forbidden on campus, this college was as close to a secret at you could get and the staff intended to keep it that way. A loud buzz made him nearly jump out of his chair, he put everything back in your bag and looked for the source of the noise. Your phone’s Lock Screen was aglow with notifications. While the content was hidden on the standby screen, the apps were clear as day. Instagram, Snapchat, BeReal, even Pinterest. Did you seriously not want him to follow you that badly? 

The sound of your heels clicked and he leaned back in his chair, forcing a casual posture. “Thanks, for watching my stuff and thanks again for tutoring. You might be an asshole but you aren’t a half bad teacher,” You picked up your bag once more and gestured to the door. 

“Yeah, sure, fine,” he waved his hand dismissively, “I’m going with you to Lysander’s. If there isn’t anything weird going on, surly the invitation is open to all his students,” his hand just barely ghosted the small of your back as you both left the library. 

“Okay, I don’t see why not. Whatever helps you sleep at night man. I hope you like quiche,” You shrugged. 

[omegaphilosophia]

The Philosophy of Zen

The philosophy of Zen is a branch of Mahayana Buddhism that emphasizes direct experience, mindfulness, and the attainment of enlightenment through meditation and intuitive insight rather than through doctrinal study or ritualistic practices. Originating in China as Chan Buddhism and later flourishing in Japan as Zen, this philosophy seeks to transcend the dualities of ordinary thought and to awaken to the true nature of reality, which is seen as beyond conceptual understanding.

Key Concepts in the Philosophy of Zen:

Direct Experience and Enlightenment (Satori):

Immediate Awareness: Zen emphasizes direct, immediate experience as the path to enlightenment (satori). This means engaging with reality without the interference of conceptual thought or the ego, often through practices such as meditation (zazen) and mindful awareness.

Satori: Enlightenment in Zen, known as satori, is often described as a sudden, profound realization of the interconnectedness of all things and the emptiness (śūnyatā) that underlies reality. This insight transcends ordinary understanding and reveals the true nature of existence.

Meditation (Zazen):

Seated Meditation: Zazen, or seated meditation, is the core practice of Zen. It involves sitting in a specific posture, focusing on the breath, and observing thoughts without attachment. The aim is to quiet the mind, develop concentration, and eventually experience deep states of awareness and insight.

Beyond Techniques: While zazen is a formal practice, Zen teaches that meditation can extend into all aspects of life, encouraging practitioners to bring the same mindfulness and presence into everyday activities.

Koans and Paradoxes:

Koans: Koans are paradoxical statements or questions used in Zen practice to transcend logical thinking and provoke direct insight. A well-known example is, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" The purpose of a koan is not to find a logical answer but to break down the barriers of conventional thought and open the mind to a more profound reality.

Beyond Rationality: Zen often challenges the limits of rationality, using paradox and contradiction to point out that true understanding is beyond intellectual comprehension.

Non-Dualism and Emptiness (Śūnyatā):

Transcending Duality: Zen philosophy rejects the dualistic thinking that separates the self from the world, subject from object, and good from bad. Instead, it teaches that all distinctions are illusory and that true reality is non-dual.

Emptiness: The concept of emptiness (śūnyatā) is central to Zen. It refers to the idea that all things are interconnected and lack an independent, permanent essence. Understanding this emptiness is key to realizing the impermanent and interdependent nature of reality.

Mindfulness and Present-Moment Awareness:

Living in the Present: Zen encourages practitioners to live fully in the present moment, without attachment to the past or anxiety about the future. This mindfulness is cultivated in both formal meditation and daily activities.

Mindful Action: Zen teaches that any action, no matter how mundane, can be an opportunity for mindfulness and awareness. The concept of "being one with the task" is emphasized, where the distinction between the doer and the deed dissolves.

Simplicity and Naturalness:

Simplicity: Zen values simplicity in both thought and lifestyle. This is reflected in Zen art, architecture, and daily practices, which emphasize naturalness, austerity, and the beauty of the unadorned.

Natural Flow: Zen encourages a natural way of being, in harmony with the flow of life. This idea is often illustrated by metaphors of nature, such as the effortless way a tree grows or a river flows.

Compassion and Ethical Living:

Bodhisattva Ideal: Although Zen emphasizes direct personal experience, it also upholds the Mahayana Buddhist ideal of the bodhisattva—someone who seeks enlightenment not just for themselves but for the benefit of all beings. Compassion and ethical conduct are integral to this path.

Engaged Buddhism: In modern times, Zen has also inspired forms of engaged Buddhism, where mindfulness and ethical living are applied to social, environmental, and political issues.

Art, Aesthetics, and Expression:

Zen Arts: Zen has profoundly influenced Japanese arts, including tea ceremony, calligraphy, poetry (such as haiku), and gardening. These arts embody the principles of simplicity, mindfulness, and the transient nature of existence.

Expression of Enlightenment: In Zen, artistic expression is often seen as an extension of the meditative mind. The spontaneity and directness found in Zen arts reflect the same qualities valued in Zen practice.

Non-Attachment and Letting Go:

Letting Go of Ego: Zen teaches the importance of letting go of the ego, desires, and attachments that create suffering. By relinquishing these attachments, one can experience a deeper, more peaceful state of being.

Non-Striving: Paradoxically, Zen teaches that enlightenment cannot be attained through effort alone; it requires a state of non-striving, where one lets go of the desire for enlightenment and simply allows it to arise naturally.

Silence and the Ineffable:

Beyond Words: Zen often emphasizes the limitations of language in capturing the essence of reality. Many Zen teachings are conveyed through silence or direct, non-verbal actions, highlighting that the deepest truths cannot be fully expressed in words.

Ineffability of Truth: Zen suggests that true understanding comes from direct experience, not from intellectual discussion or analysis. This is reflected in the Zen saying, "The finger pointing at the moon is not the moon," indicating that teachings are merely pointers to the truth, not the truth itself.

The philosophy of Zen offers a unique approach to understanding the nature of reality and the self, emphasizing direct experience, mindfulness, and the transcendence of dualistic thinking. By cultivating a deep awareness of the present moment and embracing the simplicity and natural flow of life, Zen practitioners seek to realize the interconnectedness of all things and attain enlightenment. This philosophy has had a profound influence on both Eastern and Western thought, inspiring not only spiritual practice but also art, literature, and approaches to everyday living.

[charmedreincarnation]

Hey Maya your blog has been so helpful, what are the best blogs in your opinion. I love yours ofc but I want to get the most out of tumblr !! Tysm I hope this isn’t rude

Ofc it’s not rude, and thank you for your kind words 💕 . I’ll preface this with… we all say the same things just with our own perspective, so it doesn’t matter who you choose to like or observe you’ll get the same thing out of it. It’s really just up to preference but I’ll list my faves anyways bc why not

Void blog- @gorgeouslypink @angelria111

States- @angelsinluv @lotusmi

Affirmation and persist- @sixbrujeria @bibliochics @cinefairy

Shifting: @heliosoll @multiversebaddie

General manifesting/active ask @fleurlx @rosellesworkshop @vesora @23209 @majasuniverse

Law x other non specific things: @vesora @themanifestingbrat @cinefairy @sirensplayhouse @itsravenbitch @moonbakeries

Edward and Neville w/ colloquial explanations: @lotusmi (she’s on break)

Life aesthetic motivation: @blushydior @zen-shu

Void success stories: @voidsuccess @voidsuccessarchive

Depends on what you’re looking for but these are my favs for those things :)! What I’m not saying is to find a blogger to over-consume and absorb without applying to your own life. Yes their work is motivating and helpful, but that is all. If you want to actually succeed you’re going to have use that knowledge you consume for your own benefit 💗 find what you’re looking for and dip if I’m being honest. That will serve you the best .

[limnsaber]

Limnnnn any thoughts on The Acolyte so far? Bc you have the best thoughts lol

Hi Ell! Thank you for the ask! The first thing that came to mind is something that's been bugging me recently- just enough to talk about it. The fandom of Star Wars, at large, seems very keen to ignore the Buddhist roots behind a lot of the ideals of Star Wars, attachment, and the Jedi.

Like. Recently I watched a SW YouTube video, which I highly advise against doing, and in it the video paraphrased a comment saying that the comment stated that Star Wars was inspired largely by "westerns, samurai films, WWII films, classic cars, and religious meditation practices." In ACTUALITY, what was quoted as "religious meditation practices" in paraphrase was written as "Zen Buddhism" in the original comment.

It's mind boggling to me why anyone (much less a YouTube channel about Star Wars, who would know about the roots of the themes and ideas of Star Wars) would reduce the real-world ideas that inspired the universe and all of the Jedi to "religious meditation practices". Like. Removing this context that George Lucas so strongly intended as a Buddhist himself is wishy washy at best and actively harmful at worst.

We can talk about Lucas's/SW's orientalism all we want, (and smarter people than me have said better things about that,) but I'd argue that this exclusion of real world religious and cultural ideas, by the fandom specifically, contributes to that. And maybe if we had greater intercultural understanding, we would have fewer arguments about what 'attachment' in SW really means.

In short, not great. Aside from that, I'm really enjoying the show itself so far!! I just finished the third episode! Like other people, I'm sure there's more to the story on Brendok, but I really appreciated the simple parable of Mae's actions. If you can't let go of your attachment, if you let your desire for control guide your actions, you will set yourself on fire. Also star wars is at its best when it has twins. I love Star Wars when Star Wars has themes! I'm excited to see what's coming next!!

[parvulous-writings]

Flowers in Hardship // Lifeweaver x GN!reader

Summary: You fall very, very ill - and Niran hates to see you in such a state.

Warnings: Descriptions of unspecified illness.

Words: 2.7K

Notes:  Includes Platonic!Genji! My requests are currently open! My pinned post (found here) contains both a list of characters I write for, and a masterlist!  Original character list - please request for these too!

Not my gif

You had felt it coming on for a while now. There was just this feeling, of something practically gnawing behind your eye. Not literally, of course - if that had been the case, you would have gone to see Ziegler a lot sooner. It started with a light headache. You thought it would go away with some water - which you drank in abundance, along with a couple of painkillers, to try and help the headache's swift departure. However, this did nothing. By the end of the first day, your head was pounding. Nothing besides laying still would sate the ruthless and unending hammering inside your skull. So, you resigned yourself to your room - the cool air of the place surrounding you in your little cocoon of sheets and pillows, your eyes creaking shut with a relief that you couldn't voice the pleasure of.

You had had the vague hope, when you laid your head down to rest, that by morning, the ache in your temples and behind your eyes would have subsided enough that you could just take some more painkillers, and go on with your day as normal. However, upon opening your eyes you had to throw that plan right out the window. The small amount of light that had managed to get itself past your company-issued blinds felt like you were staring straight up into the sun. You groan, shuffling as much as you can to shy away from the light. This proves much more difficult than expected, however - there's a stiffness in your neck that stabs at your muscles with each little flex. There go today's plans, you think to yourself. And just when you thought you had everything for today under control, too. You had planned everything out; you'd start the morning off with breakfast as normal, before spending some time in the Zen room, meditating with Genji. That was an activity you hadn't had the luxury of partaking in for almost three weeks, and you had been dying to be able to do it again - it always started out as a normal meditation session, but would always eventually devolve into you both sharing stories or gossip with one another.

A part of you hoped that Genji would notice you not turning up to your shared meditation session today - especially since you had both been talking so avidly about it over the past few days, in almost childish anticipation. But the more logical part of you - as defunct as your headache made it - knew that this would likely not be so. As caring as Genji always was to you, he was never one to pry. If you didn't show up to something, he wasn't going to chase you down about it - though he would normally ask next time he saw you, in case it was something that he could help get off of your chest. Your thoughts swim in your head as you try your damndest to try and grab one and hold onto it. It doesn't work very well at all. You're hardly even able to comprehend a word or image in your mind, let alone an entire thought. Your eyes clamp shut again as you half-heartedly shuffle to lay on your side, your back now to the window. It helped a little bit, but your head protested at even that movement. You let out a quiet, involuntary groan at the pain settling itself at the front of your head, pounding against your skull with a vengeance. Your body falls still as it begins to rest once more, trying to naturally shake off the headache. Your chest rises and falls slowly, almost laboured from having to actually use the muscles despite it being necessary, as the pain starts to spread down from your neck into the rest of your body.

It was difficult for Genji not to notice your absence in the Zen room - though, as you had rightly predicted in your headache induced haze, he hadn't thought too much of it as of yet. There was a lot of pressure on you - and many of the other operatives still involved with Overwatch. It wasn't uncommon for mental health days to be mandated by those working the med-bays, particularly Doctor Ziegler. So, Genji just assumed that this was what you were doing that day - he'd catch up with you when he saw you next. Though, as he sat across from one of the others you were meant to spend the day with, eating lunch, the subject was sprung upon him much sooner than he had expected. "Where do you think they are?" Niran - one of the newer members of the force - asked Genji. The cyborg glanced up, his eyes narrowing beneath his mask for a moment. He just wanted to eat his food - as difficult as it could be at times, removing the lower half of his face plate wasn't exactly easy, nor comfortable. So, he just continued eating, knowing full well that Niran would continue the conversation by himself anyway. "It's so odd that they wouldn't turn up, and not say anything…" He pondered, pursing his lips before eating some more of his own meal. "I mean, even if it wasn't anything to worry about, they'd still say something, I know it-" The man continued, his mouth half-full of salad. "Do not talk with your mouth full." The other replied, his voice low, and quiet. It wasn't threatening, but it certainly was a warning. Niran quickly covered his mouth with one hand, making sure the remainder of his mouthful couldn't be seen by the much calmer of the pair. "Sorry!" He replied bashfully, looking down briefly as he spoke. But, within a moment, he was back on his original train of thought. "But my point still stands... Perhaps someone should go and check on them!" Niran's normal optimistic tone was now laced with worry - ordinarily he tried to keep his thoughts aligned with the optimism that he often found lacking in his colleagues, but this had never stopped him from also being an avid worrier. "Are you going to?" Genji asked, mostly a rhetorical question. But instead of just making Niran think, it gave him a sparkle in his eye as his face spilt into a smile; "That's a wonderful idea, Shimada!" He exclaimed, getting to his feet. Genji just... Stared at him. Niran stared right back. "Aren't you coming...?" "No." Was the Cyborg's curt reply. "My question was purely rhetorical. I had no intention of going." "Oh... I suppose that... makes sense." Niran said slowly, pursing his lips and raising his brows for a moment as he thought this over. "But I'm still going to go." He told him, starting to turn away. "I would finish your lunch first." "No, no... I'll have something more later." Niran waved his arm in dismisal, as he started off down the hall, making his way to the living quarters.

Niran was very familiar with where exactly your quarters were - the number of times he had walked back with you, and even stayed the night, were immeasurable. Without a doubt, he could walk this route with his eyes clamped shut. Of course, the closest he would ever get to that was if his eyes were fixed on you, whilst you were both in the deep throes of blissful conversation - which, admittedly, was more often than not anyway. His steps were light, almost silent, on the cold hard floors as he rapidly approached your door. Cheerfully he lifted a hand, knocking three times fast, a signature knock you would have noticed and recognised immediately - if you were awake. Unfortunately for Niran, you were not, and thus no response came from your humble little room. This confused Niran - you were not normally one to miss out on a whole day of spending time with your closest companions for nothing. His brows drew together, as hundreds of possibilities ran through his mind; had you run off? Were you still in your room? Had you - somehow - gotten lost in the facility?

Niran shook his head. Of course you couldn't have! This was your home- how could you ever get lost? With this in mind, he slowly slid the door open, peering inside your darkened room. "Hello?" His voice wasn't too much more than a whisper, as he was now starting to worry that he had disturbed an impromptu nap of yours - which, of course, he was right. Your groan of discomfort was the only response he got at first. So, he started to slide the door open a little more, only to be met with a louder, more disgruntled moan. You fling your arm over and try to lob a pillow at him, but you fail miserably - the pillow doesn't even go past the end of the bed. Niran gets the message, though; close the door. He hurries in, sliding the door quickly shut behind him. "Oh dear..." He mumbles, mostly to himself, as he draws closer to you. "You don't look well at all.." He states, as if it weren't the most obvious thing in the world. You feel the back of his knuckles gently press against your forehead, as he takes your temperature. You try to bat his hand away, but the action is less than half-hearted; you just don't have the strength to put up much of a fight. "'s cause 'm not..." You grumble, your gravelly voice partially muffled by the pillow you're still laying on. "Let me help you..." You sense him moving by your side, and you absently wave a hand in his direction, trying to shoo him off. You didn't want any interaction, you just wanted to be left alone. You groan again, attempting to get the message across without actually uttering another word - you just didn't have the energy to talk any more. Niran gives you a pitying look, even though you can't see it you can almost feel it. The way his face falls when something upsets him, the way his bottom lip juts out as he starts to pout a little bit - it's all there, in your mind's eye, fuzzy as it may be at the moment.

You grumbled again - you were trying to say 'please leave me alone', but of course, all that left your lips was a load of garbled sounds, of which nothing could be made out. "Here... Let me get you some water..." Niran says gently to you, and you're somewhat aware of some footsteps moving away from you - you don't particularly care for the other sounds after. You try to get yourself back to sleep, shuffling a little bit to get comfortable again. "No, no... Let's try and sit you up..." It's Niran's voice again, and you feel a pair of hands on your arms, gently trying to move you into a seated position. You don't struggle, but it still takes quite a bit of effort for him to get you sitting comfortably, even if your head does keep lolling from side to side. The room is swimming, spinning as you try to focus your eyes on something. You can't settle them, only close your eyes to try and dull the sensation that the sudden movement has caused. "There, there..." He soothes, "It's alright... I've got some water for you..." He says gently, as you feel something cool tap against your bottom lip. You hesitantly part your lips, and as soon as you felt the water hit your mouth, you drank hungrily. "Woah, slow down..." Niran warned, pulling the glass away from your lips for a moment. "You'll make yourself sick if you keep drinking that quickly..." He brushes some hair from your face, before allowing you to drink again. "I've never seen you so ill... Even in this light you look awful..." He says gently. He moves the chair you keep at your desk to your bedside, slowly lowering himself into it. "You rest, for now... I'll make sure you get drink when you wake... And then, when you can sit up properly again, I can make you some food..." He pauses, allowing this to sink for you. "I could make you some Som tam, if you'd like..." He offered, though you don't reply, slowly sliding down from your seated position, back into a more comfortable laying one. Niran lets you, his only interference being how he moves your pillows around your head. He crosses one leg over the other as you settle properly, making himself comfortable. He was going to watch you as long as you needed him to.

As he sat, and the day wound on, he started to work on something for when you woke. It wasn't exactly difficult work per se, but he was working almost tirelessly to make sure that it was just right, exactly perfect for you. He worked on some holographic roses, fashioning each petal carefully, so they sat just so amongst each other. He had about seven by the time that you finally awoke, feeling... A little more like yourself. "Niran?" Your voice takes the Thai hero from his work, his brown eyes instantly seeking your face in the slightly pink tinged light coming from the roses he had been making. "What are you doing?" Your voice is a bit gravelly, but he can make you out just fine. "Why, making some flowers for you, of course..." He replies, proudly holding his handiwork out to you. You carefully reach out to take them, unsure if you can actually hold them in the first place. Turns out, you can. They feel quite warm, unlike normal flowers. "You didn't need to do that..." "I thought it was customary to get people flowers when they are ill?" "Well, yeah, sometimes, but it's just me... You really didn't need to-" "I wanted to..." Niran chuckles. "I care for you, of course I wanted to give you flowers... Is that so wrong?" He asks, and you can't help but smile at him. "I guess not, no..." You reply, "But how long have you been sitting there?" "Oh, since yesterday." He tells you, waving a hand as if it is not a big deal. You stare at him, slack jawed. Before you can say anything, Niran holds up a hand to silence you. "I have had food, drink and sleep, before you even think about telling me off..." "You shouldn't have-" "I wanted to... I didn't want you to be alone whilst so under the weather..." He told you, "I know you'd do the same for me in a heartbeat, so..." He shrugged lightly. You reach out, carefully taking his hand in yours - like the roses he had given you, they were warm. "Thank you, Niran..." He smiles at you as you speak, lowering his head for a moment, somewhat bashfully. "Oh, really, it's no problem - I was happy to do it... Just... Don't go getting sick on me all the time, hm? I'm sure I'd be called away sooner or later, and I'd hate to leave you..." You both laugh a little bit.

Niran decides to break the silence that falls over you both. "When you're back at full health... I'd like to take you out.. I can get us reservations at this fantastic restaurant. I've wanted to go for almost two months now, but I've had nobody to go with!" He exclaims, chuckling softly. "I'd love to go with you..." You tell him, "Only if I can pay, though." "No, no.. I'll be paying, I insist!" He replies quickly. "It's the least I can do for someone as wonderful as yourself... Let me treat you..." He pats your hand gently. "But only once you're completely well again... Until then... You rest.. I'll be right here..." He keeps his hand on yours, giving you that warm, gentle smile. "Now... Have another nap... I'll be right here, for when you wake again..." He tells you, and you slowly nod - you know he's talking sense, so you slowly get comfortable again, falling quickly back into a deep, restful sleep, assured that Niran is watching over you.

[youremyheaven]

ashlesha guide on how to leave the house and be happy? pls

JAJSJJSJSJ this is so funny to me 😭😭😭 bc this is exactly what the Ashleshas ik would ask 😭😭

tips on going out:

1. just stick to social situations you're comfortable with

If you don't like being around a lot of people or whatever, you don't have to!!! go to the museum, the art gallery or the botanical garden,, just do activities you enjoy. you don't have to force yourself to be a social butterfly 🫶 and it's okay to keep to yourself!!! u don't have to talk to people!! unless u want to !! (when in public)

2. the outside world is not special

u have to be outside often enough to understand this but it's just like your house fr,, yk how u don't think twice about your living room and how to act in it??? the outside is just like that.. there are millions of people going about their day, no one's watching you, you can behave comfortably like the world is ur home bc it is !!! obviously u can't roam around butt ass naked and that's not what I meant but just don't think of everything outside your house as being special and untouchable,, it really is not!! move through the world like God sent u here 😜🤪

about being happy

1. realise that it begins and ends with u

if u want to be happy, u have to make yourself happy 😌

this is going to be the Zen in me talking but don't rely on things/people to be happy

you should feel good about just existing

HOW to achieve that?? train your mind to reach a state of neutrality (through vigorous meditation which is like brain workout, just like if u want a 🍑 u workout and if u want a chill mind then u should meditate)

2. understand that everything is temporary

even the most excruciating of suffering and the most blissful of joy are both temporary. feel it in the moment and keep going ✨

[theunspeakablehorror]

Zenyatta x Trans Reader (ftm)

2600 words I wrote this as a gift for @techromancer1179. We love his hands

Mainly fluff and smut a little comfort 🔞

Zenyatta comed through the various emotional states radiating from people in the room only to see that your mental state needed his intervention.

Around the mountain of blankets you had turned into zenyatta leaned in to place a tea set where your head would have been. You grunt in response and stick an arm out of your cocoon to pull in your treasures.

“Sit up Dear. The tea will help.” Zenyatta said, gently bringing your shoulders off the table and readjusting your blankets to ensure maximum heat retention.

You gave him a groggy ‘thank you’ as he returned to cooking on the stove whilst you held the teacup in hand taking careful sips of the hot drink.

While he cannot taste the food, Zen has a sizable repertoire of dishes he can prepare. With your condition in mind, he opts for a simple slice of toast with an egg and two bacon slices.

Placing it down in front of you, you begin to ravage the sandwich like you hadn't eaten in the last 8 hours or the 10 before that. How long had you been working?

You had been in overtime hell as WP:Gibraltar struggled to resume full functionality with less than 100 agents, most of whom were in the field or too exhausted from their last deployment to help.

Zen’s orb of harmony spun to your shoulder as he turned to place another toasted sandwich on the counter. The bulk of the aching and discomfort seemed to wash off like you were in a steam bath. Still not in top shape but at least you looked less like a blanket zombie and more alive.

You stood up briefly to tap your forehead to his as a gesture of a kiss and felt the small current he sent through it and you gave a pleased hum in response.

Genji soon arrived to eat the other plate of prepared food although less ravenously than you had. You could hear them discuss something between them and watch the transfer of a black plastic bag from genji to zenyatta.

You were curious as to the bags contents, but knowing them, it is probably incense sticks or something to improve their meditation space.

Speaking of meditation space, zenyatta offered a hand to guide you along the pathways. The day’s spot was set among hyacinths and lavender buds.

You begin your exercises. Quieting the outside world, relaxing your limbs, and positioning yourself.

Zenyatta sat in the middle with you and Genji on either side of him facing him with a gap between you.

Meditation did well in calming the mind but your body still aches from the excess labor. You were about to go take the hottest steam bath of your life when Zenyatta stopped you with a quick gesture to move towards him.

“I see you are still under physical stress” he begins “I believe I can help with your ailment,” cocking his head slightly while holding that black bag Genji brought him.

You had been dating for a while and yet Zenyatta never seems to initiate sexual encounters. But if the black bag and his subsequent gesture to his room was anything like you thought it might be, Zenyatta has a plan in store for the night's activities.

“That would be greatly appreciated” you groaned as the two of you walked the length of the hall to his room. The room was dimly lit with candles and a table. correction. a massage table was in the center surrounded by incense and oils, now added to with the contents of the black bag.

“You deserve to take a break” he soothed, sliding behind you and reaching his arms around your neck. You sighed at the weight but his metal is always much warmer than you remember.

But, a body-heater was not in Zenyatta's plan. He gently guided you to the edge of the table and pulled his faceplate up and to the side of your face, whispering “I can go as far as you want and get into the muscles you need. Anywhere. Just ask.”

You stared with a dusting of blush at the omnic in front of you who just gave you a free ticket for anything between a normal massage and sensual touching to full on passionate sex.

You were broken out of your trance when Zen stepped into the bathroom and asked you to get undressed to your comfort level. You were debating covering your chest but you had already talked to him in great detail about your gender and held great trust in him. Underwear stays on. You were not sure that Zenyatta knew you did not have a penis. Maybe he had a preference for either. Maybe he wouldn't like you with a vagina. Negative thoughts started to cloud your head and as if on cue Zenyatta gently knocked on the door, “are you alright? I can perform a massage with clothes if you would prefer”

“NO! no. I’m ok. Just--lost in thought for a moment. I’m ready” you replied as though you weren't just on the verge of tears. When you stepped out, Zenyatta had pulled the sheet back and gestured for you to lay face down underneath, though he had turned his head to look away. For now it seemed he would go the traditional massage route, though his face rarely gave away his expressions.

The massage was exactly what you needed as Zenyatta expertly worked through your back that had been bent over various computers and storage boxes for weeks along with your feet which you had been forced to stand on for long stretches that your inserts were not helping with.

You were so lost in the feeling of relaxation that it was now time to flip over. Zenyatta helped with the sheet and helped you shuffle down onto the bed.

“It is not standard to massage the dorsal abdomen. Would you like me to?” He asked, hanging his head upside down over yours. His ministrations on your back had certainly welcomed the idea of a repeat exercise, but Zenyatta had never actually seen your top scars before. What if he didn't like them or he thought less of you.

You tip your head back more to get a better eye to eye look and manage to crack out “Are you sure you don't mind?

He stared at you for a time in silence before you piped up to clarify “My scars from top surgery and I never got bottom surgery so if you think it's gross or weird or something we…we can just leave it here.” You started to cry, digging up all your negative emotions about your body and how you could never be loved. Especially by someone like Zenyatta. Who were you to even touch him?

You startle slightly as his thumbs ghost over your scars in a long, gentle stroke outwards. The metal has warmed up significantly since he began, but you still groaned at the slight touch.

“Dearest,” he began, breaking the silence, “you are beautiful.” His hands trailed upwards to cup your face. “You are incredible and your scars are proof of your strength. Of your resolve.” Tears began to well up and he moved to wipe them away. “I treasure you. Regardless of your physical appearance.”

One hand remained on your face, catching stray tears while the other moved to stroke languidly through your hair. After some time you pulled yourself up to sit, with your legs dangling off the side, and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him tightly to your chest.

He hummed appreciatively and reciprocated the hug, rubbing large circles into your back. His hands trailed down your arms to hold your own as he pulled away. “We do not decide the bodies we are born in. I admire your courage to change and to grow. Who you chose to be is your decision. Trust in me to love all of who you are.”

You reach behind his head and pull him in to kiss the line of his faceplate as a worldless declaration. “Will you allow me to show you my affections?” Ha asked, subtly stroking his thumb over your open palm and leaning to press his forehead to yours.

“I trust you,” you respond, words trembling. “Thank you Dearest,” he said, bringing his hands to your sides. He drew shapes over your abdomen with his fingers, marveling at how the skin dipped and moved against his actions.

His fingers moved lower, catching on your pelvis and following the curve toward your inner thighs. He danced around your core, leaving wispy touches nearby but never close enough. Heat began to rise as Zenyatta continued his teasing excapade, trying to figure out where you liked to be touched and kneely listening to how you would respond with little sighs or catch your breath when he did something right.

You begane to wriggle slightly to get more friction where you wanted, but Zenyatta was quick to grab your thighs and hold them apart. You groan in annoyance and Zenyatta notes the damp area on your underwear.

His fingers moved to your waistband but he remained still, looking at you to ensure your comfort and acceptance. You take a big, calming breath before giving him the go ahead with a small smile.

Your hands also moved to the waistband to help yourself out of them. Zen folded them neatly and placed them on a nearby chair. Looking at the chair you motion to help him take off his clothing. “I don’t want to be the only one naked in here,” you look at him with a bit more confidence. He chuckles, “of course Dearest.” His clothes were folded and placed on the same chair very meticulously before he turned back to you.

Your legs weren't crossed but the hands you were resting on your lap blocked most of his view. He kmelled in front of your pressed knees and asked if he could come in and admire you. You laugh a bit at the strange comment but open your thighs just enjoy that Zenyatta could see the smallest bit.

His hands ran along the undersides of your thighs before they moved inwards to pull their plush slide and improve his view. “You are beautiful here as well,” he coos. “Even if you decide to change. I am sure you will be just as beautiful with a penis. Just as you are with a vagina. I trust you and your decisions. As long as you keep yourself safe.” He chuckles at the end as normally it’s him who will keep you safe.

He worried about the surgery for what it was and not what it did. There could be complications or something could go wrong, get mixed up. And healing after can be a mixed bag. He just wanted you to have the best and safest surgery if that was the path you went down. Maybe he would learn to do it himself, have Angela teach him how.

His hands slid up your thighs and over your pubic mound. Still avoiding your core which had been weeping slightly at his other touches. He brought himself closer to your core, his optics trained on the sight and illuminating your folds in a pale blue.

The anticipation and sight of Zenyatta between your legs was getting you heated. Your hips were fidgeting and you moved your pussy closer to his face to encourage him to do something.

He chuckled and lifted his head from between your thighs to look you in the face and ask, “do I have your permission Dearest?” “I trust you,” you replied in shaky breaths.

He placed one hand on each thigh and placed his thumbs tantalisingly close to your entrance. He used the fingers on his left hand to draw long, broad strokes through your folds while high right hand moved much higher to your nipples.

While he did not have a mouth, he made quick work with both your nipples, making you arch your back into his touch. He would ghost around the areola then pinch and roll the bud between his forefingers . Your favorite move is the slight vibrations Zenyatta produces to calm the abused flesh. It feels like a vibrator on low, maybe lower.

His left hand continues inta broad strokes but the vibration technology would soon find its way to your clit. You jerk at the sudden simulation as he presses his now vibrating thumb over the nub.

His left hand, done teasing your nipples, collects your lubricant which had begun to spill onto the table. He looks at his fingers and wonders if he could find the exact chemical compound in exchange for not being able to taste it as Cassidy mentioned one should do.

Sufficiently lubricated he pushed one finger into your folds and quickly added a second when he found little resistance “You are so relaxed. You are doing well Dearest,” he says in a high tone with a hum of affirmation and affection.

With vibrations along your sensitive walls and on your clit, you knew you wouldn't last much longer. “Touch me more!” you cry out as you feel the knot of your orgasm begin to form.

Anything Dearest. May I?” He pulls you onto his lap with your back pressed against his chest. His hands immediately went back to their work bringing you to orgasm. A flash of gold appeared from Zenyatta as six new hands appeared behind him and began to wrap around your form.

Some toyed with your nipples like zenyatta had done before but now in tandem. Another was gently stroking your hair and moving any loose strands out of your face. Two kept your thighs spread as far wide they could go to give Zenyatta the maximum space to work. The last was rubbing circles on your stomach to keep you relaxed and grounded as you soared toward your orgasm.

There wasn’t an inch of skin Zenyatta left untouched as his gold arms danced across your body. He adds a third finger into your pussy and aims at you g-spot vigerougly, well as vigorous as much as someone like Zenyatta could be.

Your breaths were heavy and the coil was tight, almost, almost ready to snap. He increased the vibrations inside and out before you felt the coil snap and you went tumbling over the edge of your orgasm.

Zenyatta helped you through your orgasm while you moaned out his name. Turning quickly, he grabbed a towel and a glass of water he had prepared previously. “Is there anything else you need Dearest?” he asked in a happy tone. When you shook your head no he asked, “Do you feel more relaxed?”

You honestly do. From his excellent massaging skills to your mind melting orgasm. You hadn't felt this good in months. “I feel amazing,” you sigh in relaxation, “and thank you for loving me.”

“No thank you for trusting me Dearest. With your body and your feelings. I am always here for you if you want to talk about it further or just want to talk about your week.” He listed off, “If you are sad I could tell you a joke or give you a hug.”

While you doubted his ability to tell jokes. He hugs better than any other. A place to talk. One on one. With the love of your life. About whatever you want. Sounds like a dream.

“I would love to Zen”

“Thank you Dearest”

[system-of-a-feather]

New Pinned Post

I'm no longer in need of back up money, so commissions aren't needed, but if you ever want to commission me, I'm usually open. I also occasionally put some of my art on redbubble.

Please read Boundaries before sending an ask.

Anyways, hello everyone, I am too lazy to find my old crack DID pride flag (it'll come up some day and I'll link it here), and I figured I should slowly update some of my intro stuff for this blog after not touching it for a fucking minute.

You can call me Feathers - we're a 21+ year old Buddhist mixed-AAPI intersex nonbinary system (they/them) that is at late stage recovery and often defaults to a fully fused state (though we freely play with our multiple identity and operate as independent parts whenever it works best for us; often for trauma processing or navigating complex life decisions). As a result, we don't always tag which part is out and sometimes tag "alter: fei" or, more recently, "feathers speaks" Sometimes we might tag which part is dominant, but it's all whatever.

For the most recent discussion on Buddhism, Full Integration, Final Fusion, and Functional Multiplicity written by our fully fused self before our recent decision to swap back to Functional Mulitiplicity, feel free to read here; it's long but a pretty cohesive understanding of our current experiences with our DID and shit. (5/15/2024)

We're diagnosed with DID, C-PTSD, autism, trichotillomania, OCD, and honestly a number of things cause complex-trauma life. We have some physical disabilities but nothing that typically causes too much obstruction in our day to day.

As a result of our state of recovery, we really don't have a set headcount, however we were / are polyfragmented.

Some fun things about us and things you'll see on this blog:

Due to the fact that DID is no longer really that much of an interesting topic / impactful part of our life, we only occasionally post about DID and our experiences with it. While it was the original purpose of this blog, as a depiction of our healing journey and what healing with DID can look like, we decided we would rather just post about whatever sparks joy in our life. As a result, rather than much content on DID, you will likely see things relating to the topics below. PLEASE feel free to send asks about ANY of the topics below. We love to talk about things.

We are Buddhist (primarily non-theistic; mostly non-denominational, largely Zen) and we really enjoy it. We particularly like the philosophy and do practice it. Admittedly, we identify as being god awful Buddhists, but thats okay cause its part of the process.

We love research and plan to go into it when our ducks are better aligned. We particularly love research and literature around developmental psychopathology, trauma, dissociation, animal behavior, and the more abstract neuroscience topics (particularly consciousness research). We likely won't post much on it as overtly here because I don't enjoy talking science on tumblr much because most people (in my experience) don't actually want to talk about research as much as they want to prove their point.

We are avid bird watchers and regularly document / photograph the birds we see and upload them to ebird. We really enjoy it as an activity and social engagement and really love sharing that joy and knowledge with people. We actually have a minor in Avian Science and have been tested on North American ID skills. We also know more than we need to about chicken biology as a result of said degree. If you want to send anything about birds, bird watching, or asking for a bird ID (even non North American), they are ALWAYS welcome and you are ALWAYS allowed to tag us in any bird related content.

We do a lot of creative work and have dedicated ourselves (without writing partner) to a large story world project that we've been writing for over a decade now. We actually specifically started grinding our art skills in 2020 specifically just to help build that world up. Art is one of our largest self soothing coping mechanisms. We are going to turn that story world into a comic and a TTRPG system so please check out @thedevaaffliction.

Overall, we really just like thinking about a lot of topics and things as part of both our interest in research, philosophy, and as part of our Buddhist practice. We don't really find an interest in arguing discourse / syscourse because we really dislike and see very little benefit in debate. That said, we love to discuss experiences, thoughts, feelings and perspectives on complex topics and as long as the intent is to discuss and share rather than to "win" or "prove", we really enjoy that sort of enrichment in our life so we do welcome it. That said, we withhold the right to deem any conversation as more debate than discussion and to abandon it.

Additionally, related to the fifth point, we believe in being fully transparent about our past and admission that we were wrong as we think it is very important to be able to re-evaluate your beliefs and opinions and grow. In our mid teens we actually were pretty far into the alt-right pipeline and until about a year or so ago, we were staunch anti-endos. These days we are basically commies and very pro-endo. If anyone has any interest on how we pivoted so hard in our opinions on those topics, we are more than open to talk and discuss it as well as any insights we pulled from the experience.

Also we love martial arts - I forgot that cause I'm not particularly XIV brained rn but we REALLY enjoy martial arts.

We suck at being labeled and having labels. We're just very very queer.

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DNI:

People who put on their socks/shoes in the order of Sock-Shoe-Sock-Shoe

That's about it. We liberally block, so we don't really worry about DNIs. If we don't like your content for any reason, we will remove it from our dash. Whether or not you want to interact with us is up to you past that point. Generally, we welcome anyone to follow as it can make for good conversation.

[iampowerhungry]

information. ♡

"Knowing me is one of the biggest and rarest pleasures in life, remember that. "

To shortly introduce myself, I am Thalia or preferably known to others as Thani, or Lia. I've been in the Law of Assumption community since, 2021, on the other hand, I've been in the subliminal community for 4 - 5 years, give or take, ever since I was in elementary school and the subliminal maker 'cee', was more commonly known as Miss Synergy.

→ ENTJ 8w9 | 835 | sp/sx | I love doing challenges as a way to learn. No BS. → I am a Capricorn rising, though I lean more towards Personallity Databases. → My blog mainly focuses on common problems I've seen in the Law Of Assumption community, mainly in the discord community server I dwell in. I enjoy spending time with everyone there. → I am a minor, so no funny business. Currently in high school. → Cat commander, I have five. Trained them since birth. → SEA citizen, will not get specific. → No limiting beliefs - No beta we die like amazons. → Favorite artist = Halsey.

What will you find here related to LOA? Beloved, the true question is what will you not find here related to LOA, as time pass, with me?

I have many things I'd like to post here.

→ A short simple dictionary for beginners or newcomers joining the LOA community, ex; the definition of LITE ( Living In The End), the sabbath state, and many more. → Challenges I'm currently doing or will make myself in the future. → Success stories. I have many related to SPs, money, success, academics, and the like. → Pieces of Advice, maybe a future coaching form with 5 slots so keep a look out for that one day.

→ 1. LITE x I AM challenge, by Fleur. → 2. Notion work, the usual. → 3. Focusing on myself, basically. → 4. Possible 'Dear Diary Vaunt Challenge' coming along soon. → 5. Blogs about mental diets, and tools.

No NSFW b*llshit, again, I am still a minor.

Be patient with yourself, and also with me mainly because I also have businesses other than school and therefore my time will not be revolving around you.

I will help you receive your goals until the very end, end as in a month or less, no limiting beliefs here people. But if you still wish to coach with me then you may prolong the time, notify me first though. ( for future endeavors )

Be resourceful, and do not overconsume, or try not to. You're basically pressing a restart button.

#birdtalk - for asks. #success stories - well, yeah. #thaliaslibrary - archives.

@zen-shu@miracledarling I'm not new, tbh, those are the ones I actively read from time to time.