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whump-me · 3 months ago

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Protector: Chapter 19

Chapter 19 of Protector, a novella-length whump story about a ruthless superpowered assassin trained from childhood to kill, and the brother determined to save him from himself.

Masterpost | the Mind Games universe | Read the complete novel on Patreon

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Loren should have killed him.

Zach’s wound wasn’t anywhere close to fatal. Loren had intended it that way. A graze to his side—something that would make him take notice, something that would slow him down even more. But it wouldn’t kill him.

It would let Zach know Loren meant business. But now, too late, Loren realized it would signal something else. It would tell Zach that Loren was willing to hesitate before killing him.

Also, if he had taken the lethal shot he had lined up, the mission would be over. Done. All he’d have to do was take out the other three—three civilians, a trivial task—and then he could go back home to PERI headquarters. He could put all this behind him: his own weakness, his poor choices, the inevitable consequences.

As it was, he would still have to take that kill shot. He had only postponed the inevitable.

For now, he had to watch Zach suffer.

Zach lay on the floor just inside the door, hands pressed to his side, one leg twisted at a painful-looking angle. Bright red blood spilled through his fingers. Red like a stop sign, like a warning light. Like all the internal warnings Loren had ignored before they had reached this point. All the inner whispers that had told him to stop.

Zach squirmed in visible pain. Loren couldn’t hear anything from where he was perched in the tree, but he had heard Zach in pain before, and his imagination supplied the sounds as clearly as if he could hear them. The faint grunts of pain that Zach would try in vain to swallow back. The small, involuntary whimpers.

Loren’s hands clenched with the need to hold Zach, to press Zach’s head into his chest and let his own flesh swallow those whimpers. His fingers tightened around cold metal. He had forgotten he was holding the rifle.

Loren forced himself to drag his sharp eyes away from Zach, to focus on the others. The woman and the curly-haired man were partially out of his sight, too far back from the door for him to get a good shot. He would need to wait for them to come closer—or, more likely, for them to leave the house. They would let their guard down eventually—civilians always did. Then he would get his shot at them.

He already had a good shot at the brother.

The brother was staring down at Zach, with an expression like someone who had taken a shortcut and found himself lost in the deep woods. Loren had worn a similar expression on his first mission.

As Loren watched, the brother crouched down beside Zach and reached out a hesitant hand to him.

The resemblance to Zach was strong enough that Loren didn’t know how he had missed it the first time he had seen him. Now that he knew Zach had a brother in that cabin, he had recognized him at first glance. His face was broader, his body thicker—both in muscle and fat. His eyes were softer than Zach’s, his face more expressive. But even considering those differences, in the right light it would have been easy to mistake one of them for the other.

Zach froze as his brother reached out to him. Then, slowly, he tilted his head up to look at Bryce. From where he was sitting, Loren could only see the back of Zach’s head. He couldn’t see the expression on his face.

The brother started to reach toward Zach’s wound. Then he rested his hand on Zach’s shoulder instead, lightly, like he was afraid Zach might break under his touch. Loren understood that feeling. Sometimes he felt like he would break Zach just by breathing too close to him. But then, back in the field, Zach always proved his strength once again. Zach was simultaneously more and less fragile than he appeared.

Loren had thought Zach was strong enough to complete this mission.

He had thought Zach was loyal enough.

He had thought Zach could save him from having to complete his own mission.

The brother said something to Zach. His lips moved; Loren couldn’t hear the words. Whatever he said, it made Zach shake his head sharply.

The brother’s face darkened as he spoke again. He surged to his feet and stepped over Zach toward the door.

Loren raised his gun.

Zach lifted one hand from his bleeding wound to grab at his brother’s leg. When he turned his head toward his brother, Loren could finally see his face. His expression was urgent. Terrified. His own lips moved. Loren could practically hear him shouting out a warning.

The brother didn’t heed the warning. He shook off Zach’s hand and strode toward the door.

Loren fired.

In his years working for PERI, Loren had made shots much more technically difficult than this one. This was easy. Training stuff.

And yet.

At the moment he pulled the trigger, his aim shifted slightly to the side. The wind, maybe, or the awkward perch—he was used to operating in a city environment, not balancing on a branch like an oversized bird.

Or maybe he had been afraid of hitting Zach.

Maybe he hadn’t been able to bring himself to shoot someone whose face so closely resembled that of the man he loved.

Maybe he had been afraid of the pain he would see on Zach’s face when Zach realized his brother was dead.

Loren shook his head sharply. It was the wind, and the awkwardness of maintaining his balance in this position. That was the safest explanation. It was the one he would choose to believe.

He forced himself to line up another shot. He felt like he was moving in slow motion. The rifle felt awkward in his hands, an awkwardness he hadn’t felt since he had begun his training at eight years old.

A blur darted out of the door. Zach, Loren thought at first—but the figure was only moving as fast as an ordinary human, and the pattern of the movements was all wrong. It was the woman from inside. She grabbed Bryce’s arm and tugged him inside before Loren could finish lining up his next shot.

Loren told himself he wasn’t relieved.

Surprise caught the brother off-balance and let the woman tug him back inside. As soon as he was through the door, though, he planted his feet and refused to move. He kept himself angled toward the door, shooting a wary glance out, even though Loren knew no person with ordinary vision could spot him from here. His hands and the woman’s moved as they argued.

Zach lay on the floor behind them. The bleeding had slowed. His face was creased with pain, but he didn’t have to hold his wound quite so tightly anymore.

Loren was willing to bet not all the pain on his face was physical.

Loren had a clear shot. He could make it a headshot—painless, instant.

Zach first. The civilians later. Once he took care of Zach, the rest would be easy.

He wanted so badly to take care of Zach. Cradle him in his arms and—

No. The mission came first. He knew that, even if Zach didn’t. PERI had taught him well. He still had the scars to show for it.

He steadied his rifle—and paused.

Zach clearly still thought he had a choice here—a choice besides completing the mission or dying at Loren’s hands. How did he think this could end for him? What did he think he could gain from his refusal to do what was necessary?

His brother, obviously. The family he’d had before PERI. How could he still not understand that that life was gone forever?

Loren rubbed one of the burn scars on his wrist. It had taken a long time for PERI to get that lesson through to him, but he had come to understand.

Maybe now he could make Zach understand.

If he killed the brother, if he brought his weakness under control this time and didn’t let his aim slip, that would surely bring Zach to his senses. When Zach saw that completing the mission was inevitable with or without his cooperation, he would do what was necessary. And if Loren took the hardest part away from him—if Zach didn’t have to kill his brother himself—Zach could handle the other civilians. He could do enough to prove himself to PERI.

He would come back to himself, to the PERI operative he was, once he saw that he had no other choice.

He would come back to Loren.

Loren shifted his aim. He took the shot.

The brother went still. A red circle bloomed across his chest.

Then he toppled. He fell across Zach’s legs and went still.

When Zach’s mouth opened, Loren didn’t have to be close enough to hear in order to hear his scream.

He had done it this time. He had kept his hands steady. He hadn’t let the weakness take control.

That was what he told himself. But he didn’t have the solid certainty that he normally felt in the wake of a bullet that had hit its target.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that at the last possible moment, a tremor had run through his hand, throwing off his aim the tiniest bit.

He watched the brother’s still form, searching for movement. Was he twitching in pain? Maybe even struggling unsuccessfully to get to his feet? Or were those simply the desperate movements of Zach under him, trying to stand, trying too late to save his brother?

The woman and the other man dragged the brother’s prone form away from the doors. They paused, both of them at once, just long enough to shoot twin glances down at Zach. For a second, Loren thought they would stop to help Zach up, and make Zach’s job easier.

Then they dragged the brother the rest of the way away from the door, and Loren couldn’t see them anymore.

Now it was just him and Zach.

Zach went still. The emotion drained from his face. He stared out the open door, and although Loren knew Zach couldn’t see him from here, he felt like Zach’s eyes were focused directly on him.

His eyes were cold. As cold as a PERI operative’s should be.

Did Zach understand now? Did he see what he needed to do?

Slowly, with pain written in every movement, Zach pushed himself to his feet.

He clutched his new wound and swayed precariously. But he didn’t fall.

He turned away from the door, and toward where the others had dragged Bryce. Toward the broken window.

He understood what he had to do now. He would finish the job Loren had started. He would complete the mission.

That was what Loren told himself. He told himself it made sense that he didn’t raise his rifle again and shoot Zach while he still could.

And then Zach, too, was out of sight. The choice was no longer in his hands.

Loren let out a long breath.

He shifted his gaze away from the door. There was nothing to see there anymore. Instead, he swept his eyes back and forth across the woods, searching for movement.

It didn’t take long for him to see Zach. The man limped slowly through the woods, stopping frequently to catch his breath, steadying himself against nearby trees. His face was still empty. His eyes were still cold.

Loren’s eyes caught movement from the other side of the cabin. The two remaining civilians, carrying the brother’s body between them. Assuming the brother was actually dead. They were moving slowly enough to be easy targets—or they would have been easy targets on a city street. Here, the trees shielded them too well for him to line up a shot.

Zach undoubtedly couldn’t see them from where he was, but he stopped, tilting his head toward the movement. He must have heard the crack of a twig, or the whisper of voices.

Zach reached for his unwounded side, where he had tucked the weapon Loren had given him.

Loren held his breath, waiting for Zach to head toward the others.

Instead, Zach turned away from the source of movement. He looked toward the cabin, then away, like he was searching for something.

Like he was calculating angles, the way Loren had tried to teach him.

He took a hobbling step toward Loren’s tree. Then another.

His eyes were still so cold. He looked ready to kill.

Loren didn’t think he was planning to kill the two civilians.

Zach was moving slowly even by the standards of an ordinary human. That had to have been maddening for him. But even hampered by his slow-motion hobble, he used the trees to his advantage, ducking out of Loren’s sightline too frequently for Loren to have enough time to line up a shot. Intentional, Loren was sure. He knew Loren’s movements, Loren’s patterns, as well as Loren knew his own.

Loren raised his gun, and he waited for Zach to get careless. Or for his body to give out on him, and leave him flat on his back on the forest floor, waiting helplessly for the killing shot.

Something tightened painfully in Loren’s chest.

A whisper rose up from the soft part of himself—the dangerous part of himself.

He didn’t have to take the shot. He didn’t have to finish the mission.

He didn’t have to go back to PERI.

He and Zach could run together.

He looked down at the burn scar on his wrist. Then down at his chest, where more scars lay hidden.

He had tried to run, when he was younger. More than once. He had sworn he would never give PERI what they wanted from him.

That had been a long time ago. The memories were distant, like they had happened to a different person. And still, his mind shied away from the remembered pain.

He had learned. Zach clearly hadn’t.

He shifted in the tree, and he waited for Zach to show himself.

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Tagged: @sowhumpful

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#whump #whump novel #my writing #my writing: Protector #my writing: Mind Games #superpower whump #emotional whump #sibling whump #assassin whump

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fundiepredictions · 9 days ago

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Stats (part nine)

Just because I think everyone is interesting in this one: the whole list Please note that it's the actually spacing, no deductions because of miscarriage, surgeries or birth control in any way. The red ones are also not accurate because they are overdue to announce a pregnancy.

Jeremiah&Hannah Duggar (427 days)

John&Chelsy Maxwell (448 days) Overdue, will change dramaticly

Gil&Kelly Bates (469 days)

Joseph&Kendra Duggar (483 days) Overdue

Jedidiah&Katey Duggar (~497 days)

JimBob&Michelle Duggar (498 days)

Ryan&Ruth Bourlier (500 days) Overdue

Nathan&Nurie Keller (504 days)

Bobby&Tori Smith (507 days)

David&Hannah Keller (564 days)

David&Jill Rodrigues (578 days)

John&Esther Shrader (590 days)

Travis&Katie Clark (590 days)

Jeremiah&Allison Helferich (604 days)

Chad&Erin Paine (618 days)

Mitchell&Bryn Bontrager (~634 days)

Josiah&Lauren Duggar (~636 days)

Christopher&AnnaMarie Maxwell (690 days)

David&Priscilla Waller (691 days)

Carson&Carolina Bontrager (~701 days)

Andrew&Kori Wissmann (717 days) overdue

Nathan&Esther Bates (721 days)

John&Alyssa Webster (724 days)

Joshua&Cassidy Bontrager (~731 days) overdue

Josh&Anna Duggar (733 days)

Nathan&Melanie Maxwell (739 days)

Ben&Jessa Seewald (742 days)

Loren&Gloria Wissmann (750 days)

Matthias&Michelle Wissmann (774 days)

Evan&Carlin Stewart (786 days) overdue

Joseph&Elissa Maxwell (787 days) overdue

Daniel&Bethany Beasley (800 days) overdue

Zach&Whitney Bates (803 days)

Kelton&Josie Balka (839 days)

Mike&Suzette Keller (899 days)

Alan&Rachel Businitz (933 days)

Austin&Joy Forsyth (955 days)

John&Abbie Duggar (~969 days)

Teri&Steve Maxwell (1028 days)

Marlin&Becky Bontrager (1034 days)

Paul&Christina Caldwell (1038 days)

Josiah&Abi Wissmann (1172 days) overdue

Jeremy&Jinger Vuolo (~1223 days)

Derick&Jill Dillard (1325 days)

#fundie #statistics #childspacing

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depressedraisin · 1 year ago

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currently im thinking of the post rock en seine timeline like miles went to nyc with zach loren and tyler and it was there that he wrote shavambacu silverscreen and the title track with them which ended up on mk3 and then he had his awful period of writers' block etc anyway i should stop thinking now im gonna make meself sad

#mk3 binging hours tonight #im still not clear abt the making of tbhc timeline tho so need to research that a bit

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shit-talk-turner · 2 years ago

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Okay show us what you mean if you are not too lazy instead of just being like no.

Yeah, that's not all of 2017 and 2018. Solid try though.

Just look at Taylor's Instagram. Or their friends. Or the article you're misquoting.

"Yet back at the start of 2016, he found himself at a complete loss for words. He had no idea how to follow the multi-platinum international success of 2013’s ‘AM’. He was rattling around his home in Los Angeles, with his model girlfriend Taylor Bagley and their dog Scooter, not watching Blade Runner."

"So he went down to the old spare room, which he would later start referring to as the ‘lunar surface’, and which now contained a Steinway Vertegrand piano that the band’s manager Ian McAndrew had given him for his 30th birthday. "

"Once Turner had corralled all these disparate ideas into ‘Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino’, he assembled the band – Helders, guitarist Jamie Cook, bassist Nick O’Malley and producer James Ford – and they decamped first to Vox Studios in Los Angeles and then to La Frette, the 19th century mansion-cum-recording studio in northern France where Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds recorded ‘Skeleton Tree’. There, the five were joined by a host of other musicians including their touring keyboard player, Tom Rowley, Tame Impala’s Cameron Avery, Klaxons’ James Righton, Mini Mansions’ Zach Dawes and Tyler Parkford, and drummer Loren Humphrey. They all played together in the same room, inspired by the lush recording sessions for the Beach Boys’ ‘Pet Sounds’ and the idea of Phil Spector’s ‘Wall of Sound’, as heard on Dion’s ‘Born to Be With You’ and Leonard Cohen’s ‘Death of a Ladies’ Man’, some of Turner’s favourite records. “You see those images from those recording sessions and it just looks so exciting,” says Turner. “Primarily I think I love those albums and I wanted my album to be a bit like them.”

"Yet when it came to the vocals, they found that it was the lines Turner recorded on his vintage 8-track Tascam 388 in splendid isolation at home that needed to be retained for the record, impossible to better wherever else they tried them." - AT HOME, where his girlfriend also lived

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deadonarrival · 2 years ago

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Okay SOOOOO tlsp is a British supergroup started by Alex Turner and miles Kane of formerly the rascals and the little flames (whom of which met at a 2005 Arctic monkeys show after they were the opener for Arctic and miles and Alex noticable became closer started be around eachother everyday pretty much after that miles also features on early songs 505 ,plastic tramp and more) and James Ford and other musicians later Zach Dawes Loren etc etc come in it was created in 2008 with the release of age of the understatement with banger singles "standing next to me" "my mistakes were made for you" and "age of the understatement" they went on tour for about a few weeks nothing big afterwards miles works on his successful solo career the monkeys release what would be three albums in-between the eventual! "Everything that you've come to expect " in 2016 spurring on even MORE gay shit if that was possible with singles like "bad habits" title track and the infamous "miracle aligner" and it's internet breaking video and that rlly cemented the fact that oh shit these bitches are really gay dujvuchcv and like there's SO much more like so many little things between miles and Alex and like with will be even longer than it needs to be but like ........eycte tour ........a goldmine...I leave u with this the infamous Coachella kiss that got them promptly banned from Coachella ♥️ (there's also way more kisses lmao ahhsjxhxj)

> of formerly the rascals and the little flames

Is that what "remember when you used to be a rascal" references in fluorescent adolescent? Really makes you think.................. ........... ..

This is an insanely good summary lmao THANK YOU bc god knows it would've taken me ages to find out all this stuff on my own. They got banned from coachella for one (1) kiss?? That's so fucking funny. Iconic behaviour

I didn't know Miles features on 505 either :O I fucking love that song so much

#i think it's time. i need a tag for them.#arctic monkeys #(i know it's only half monkeys but I'm also using it as a general tag for now)#thank you vampy this is very much appreciated #asks #james #bandomgay #tia out

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i-m-a-leaf-on-the-wind · 2 years ago

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Do we know why lana didn't credit miles for dealer ? I mean if we search the credits there's miles' name but why isn't it 'feat miles kane' since he's singing atleast half of the song ?

🤷‍♀️

Everyone talked about it when the song came out and even today, but no answer.

Fortunately Miles is in the credits with Loren Humphrey, Tyler Parkford and Zach Dawes.

#miles kane #dealer #ask

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soundmelive · 1 year ago

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Charli D'Amelio (@charlidamelio) Followers: Over 100 million Niche: Dance and Entertainment Addison Rae (@addisonre) Followers: Over 80 million Niche: Dance and Lifestyle Bella Poarch (@bellapoarch) Followers: Over 80 million Niche: Lip-sync and Comedy Spencer X (@spencerx) Followers: Over 50 million Niche: Beatboxing and Music Zach King (@zachking) Followers: Over 50 million Niche: Magic and Illusions Dixie D'Amelio (@dixiedamelio) Followers: Over 50 million Niche: Music and Lifestyle Loren Gray (@lorengray) Followers: Over 50 million Niche: Music and Beauty Will Smith (@willsmith) Followers: Over 50 million Niche: Entertainment and Inspiration Spencer Polanco Knight (@spencerx) Followers: Over 40 million Niche: Beatboxing and Music Jason Derulo (@jasonderulo) Followers: Over 40 million Niche: Music and Comedy Michael Le (@justmaiko) Followers: Over 40 million Niche: Dance and Entertainment Khaby Lame (@khaby.lame) Followers: Over 40 million Niche: Comedy and Parodies Baby Ariel (@babyariel) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Music and Lifestyle Spencer Pratt (@spencerpratt) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Reality TV and Comedy Tony Lopez (@lopeztony) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Dance and Comedy Riyaz Aly (@riyaz.14) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Lip-sync and Dance Bella Hadid (@bellahadid) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Fashion and Lifestyle Avani Gregg (@avani) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Makeup and Beauty James Charles (@jamescharles) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Makeup and Beauty Spencer X (@iamspencerx) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Beatboxing and Music Popular TikTok influencers in the United States: Lele Pons (@lelepons) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Comedy and Entertainment Bryce Hall (@brycehall) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Lifestyle and Pranks Spencer X (@spencerx) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Beatboxing and Music Noah Beck (@noahbeck) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Lifestyle and Sports Nessa Barrett (@nessabarrett) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Music and Dance Emma Chamberlain (@emmachamberlain) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Lifestyle and Vlogs David Dobrik (@daviddobrik) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Comedy and Vlogs Spencer X (@iamspencerx) Followers: Over 30 million Niche: Beatboxing and Music Zach Herron (@imzachherron) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Music and Entertainment Josh Richards (@joshrichards) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Lifestyle and Comedy Charli Jordan (@charli_jordan) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Fitness and Lifestyle Larray (@larray) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Comedy and Music Noah Schnapp (@noahschnapp) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Acting and Entertainment James Marriott (@jamesmarriott) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Comedy and Commentary Denzel Dion (@denzeldion) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Fashion and Comedy Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Comedy and Political Satire Luvanthony (@luvanthony) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Comedy and Lifestyle Taylor Holder (@taylorholder) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Dance and Entertainment Payton Moormeier (@payton) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Music and Lifestyle Kyle Thomas (@kylethomas) Followers: Over 20 million Niche: Comedy and Vlogs

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rookie-critic · 2 years ago

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The Bob's Burgers Movie (2022, dir. Loren Bouchard & Bernard Derriman) - review by Rookie-Critic

The Bob's Burgers Movie was a hilarious 1 hour and 42 minutes of near non-stop joy. I'm not sure there was a single joke in this thing that didn't just hit right on the bullseye. As is the case with most of these adult-animated shows that get the silver screen treatment, this is basically just a high-stakes, feature-length episode of the show with a higher animation budget than normal. That being said, this might be the most successful transfer of heart and tone from small to big screen I've seen for any of these movies, save for maybe South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. If you've seen the show and have even slightly been entertained by it, you will enjoy this. If you've never watched the show before, don't fret! Knowing the characters and the running gags from the show will, of course, be a bonus on the humor, but it is in no way a barrier for entry for newcomers. Also for the newbies, just as an FYI, if you're a fan of wordplay, this is the film for you. It's front-to-back and from all angles: the dialogue, the imagery, even the signage in the backgrounds is filled with it! The frantic energy of the Belcher family and the zany cast of characters that surround them is infectious, and you will be grinning ear-to-ear by the first note of "Sunny Side Up Summer" and it won't stop until after those credits have finished rolling.

Score: 9/10

Currently streaming on Hulu & HBO Max.

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whump-me · 2 months ago

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Protector: Chapter 22

Chapter 22 of Protector, a novella-length whump story about a ruthless superpowered assassin trained from childhood to kill, and the brother determined to save him from himself.

Masterpost | the Mind Games universe | Read the complete novel on Patreon

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As promised, Zach told the others where to find Loren’s body. He gave them detailed instructions for disposing of the body in the lake, and doing it in such a way that it would never wash up on shore or get tangled in a fisherman’s line. Teddy turned green listening to his instructions. Sonia only nodded and promised to get it done.

If Sonia had been born Enhanced, she might have made a good PERI operative.

Zach wished he could be the one to handle the body himself instead of lying in bed. That way, he could be sure it was done right. Leaving the task to civilians made him feel tense and twitchy. But in a small, private part of his heart, he was also glad to have the excuse not to do it.

He had disposed of many bodies in his time with PERI. He had no idea whether handling Loren’s body would feel different—painful and personal in a way simply doing his job never had—or if it would feel the same as always. Easy. Ordinary.

He wasn’t sure which would be worse.

Now he would never have to find out.

He spent days in bed, sleeping and eating chicken soup and discovering how much TV had changed since he was twelve. Days turned into weeks. He began taking short, painful walks down Bryce’s hallway. Then he started walking outside instead, up and down the sunny suburban street, scanning the horizon warily for shooters.

The shot never came. He had done his work well. In addition to telling Sonia and Teddy how to dispose of the body, he had given them meticulous instructions on how to plant the evidence to throw PERI off. With any luck, they were currently scouring Perth for him and Loren.

It stopped hurting to climb out of bed. Zach’s walks became runs. His runs became dashes at unnatural speeds—first a few seconds at a time, then two minutes, then five. When he pushed himself to ten—the maximum amount of time he had ever kept up his full speed in training—he knew it was time.

“I need to go out for a few hours,” he told Bryce one morning, after Bryce had stuffed him full of breakfast—bacon, eggs, and as many homemade waffles as he could eat.

Zach’s words brought back the worried frown that Bryce had worn all the time during the early days of their shared recovery. “We still don’t know if it’s safe.”

“We’ll never know for sure,” Zach reminded him. “But I’ve been going for runs in your neighborhood for weeks now. No one has shot at me once.”

He attempted a smile. Smiling was one of those things he was still getting used to. PERI operatives didn’t show emotion—they were weapons, machines, and that meant they didn’t have feelings. His rare smiles, during his stolen moments with Loren, had been cautious and furtive. But the rules were different here. Bryce liked seeing him smile. He liked knowing Zach was happy.

Zach was trying.

Bryce didn’t smile back. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

“I won’t run off,” Zach assured him, because he knew that was what Bryce was really worried about, more than any PERI assassin. “I’m not going back.”

Bryce’s face didn’t lose its tense look. “Where are you going?”

Zach hesitated. But trust was another thing he was trying his best at. And openness. “To the lake,” he said.

Sympathy replaced the worry in Bryce’s eyes. Zach wasn’t sure which was worse.

“Let me come with you,” said Bryce.

For a moment, Zach was tempted to say yes. He was going there to confront his last remaining wound—the one in his heart, the one that hadn’t healed along with the others. It might be easier to face that pain with someone beside him.

But he shook his head. “I need to do this alone.”

Bryce didn’t like the idea. Zach could tell. But he lent Zach his car for the day. Maybe he guessed—correctly—that if Zach didn’t have a way to drive there, he would simply run the whole way.

The lake wasn’t as quiet as he remembered. Children laughed and splashed in the summer heat. Families grilled burgers and hot dogs on their back decks, looking out over the water. The smell of roasting meat made Zach’s stomach growl, even though Bryce’s homemade breakfast had filled him up enough that he had thought he would never want to eat again.

Zach threaded his way through the trees until he found an empty patch of beach. He stripped off his shoes and socks, tucked them under his arm, and padded awkwardly across the rough sand until the water lapped at his toes. He suppressed a yelp at the cold as he leapt back.

But when he got up the nerve to step into the water again, it didn’t hurt as much this time. After a moment, the cold faded entirely, and he waded in to the ankles. The water lapped at his hems, plastering the fabric to his legs.

He stared out past the swimmers and the kayakers to the deep, empty center of the lake. Loren’s body was out there somewhere, resting between the water and the earth. He knew that intellectually. But he didn’t feel any closer to Loren here than he had in Bryce’s spare room.

He had thought coming here might let him feel closer to the lover he had killed. He had hoped it might make it easier to say goodbye. Instead, it only made it clear that Loren was just one more mission completed, one more target down, one more body disposed of. The still waters of the lake would do nothing to fill the hollow place in his heart.

He slipped his socks back on, despite the sand clinging to his wet skin and the lake water that quickly soaked the fabric through. He pulled on his shoes and slipped back into the trees where he had come from.

But he didn’t go back to the car. Instead, he walked deeper into the woods. He had been barely conscious the last time he had walked this route, swaying on his feet in a fugue of pain, but somehow he knew the path by heart.

It didn’t take him long to find the tree where he had confronted Loren for the last time. He climbed the thick trunk, his breath catching as the movement pulled at his mostly-healed wounds. When he settled into the notch where Loren had sat, he paused to catch his breath, clutching his side. Then he relaxed and stared out at the trees and the sunlit glimmer of water beyond.

This was the way Loren had always seen the world: from a distance. Maybe that was how he had always held Zach and everything else at one remove. It had almost worked. But not completely. He had let Zach into his heart, even if only a little. Otherwise, he would have taken his shot when he had the chance, and Zach wouldn’t be here now.

Zach stroked the bark of the trunk beside him, where Loren might have leaned while he was watching Zach approach. “I love you,” he whispered.

At last, he felt what he had hoped to feel down there by the lake. A fresh, sharp pain in his heart. A lanced wound.

But then Zach felt himself separating from the pain—the automatic coping mechanism PERI had drilled into him to hold the horror of death at bay. PERI operatives were trained to kill without remorse. They were trained to face the deaths of their fellow operatives without grief. Such training wasn’t so easily overcome.

He felt like his heart was wrapped in Loren’s protective armor. He pressed a hand to his heart and imagined that armor cradling him, as strong and steady as Loren’s arms around him.

He stayed until the sun went down. He and Loren used to watch the sunset together, when they could. It wasn’t often, but sometimes the timing of a mission worked out. Other missions had allowed them to watch the sun come up together, faint light crawling up the horizon to transform into a conflagration.

Sometimes they would spend those moments talking. They would share with each other the thoughts they weren’t allowed to voice elsewhere. But the best sunsets were the ones they spent in companionable silence, holding each other.

Zach sat in that silence now, one hand still pressed to his armored heart.

When the last of the light faded from the sky, and the owls began to hoot in the distance, he climbed down. Bryce would be out of his mind with worry by now.

He could have raced to the car in less than a minute. Instead, he walked back at a snail’s pace. He wanted the time to think about what to do next.

He knew what he had told Bryce. But the truth was, he had left knowing there was a chance he wouldn’t go back.

For the past few weeks, in the back of his mind, he had been rehearsing his excuses for PERI—what he would say if he found himself in headquarters again, forced to account for his absence. He had told himself he was doing it just in case they tracked him down. But he doubted they would. Sonia and Teddy had done a good job following his instructions with the evidence. PERI wouldn’t look for him here.

He had known, deep down, what he was really rehearsing for. He had known there was always a chance he might go back.

He had hoped the homesickness would have eased by now. It hadn’t. He missed PERI as fiercely as he had missed his house and his family at twelve years old. Even knowing they had sent Loren to kill him. Even knowing it was their fault Loren was dead.

He missed it because it was what he knew, what he had known for more than half his life. But more than that, it was where he fit. His instructors had carefully sculpted him until he fit perfectly inside PERI, and now there was no other place that suited the thing they had made him into.

The more he recovered from his injuries, the more restless he felt. Bryce’s house had a room just for him, but he didn’t know how to resculpt himself so he would fit in it. He didn’t know how to live in his brother’s world. His daily attempts felt as uncomfortable as his first day of PERI training—and as terrifying.

With PERI, he had known his role, his value, his purpose. But out here… what was he supposed to do? Just… be with his family? Love and be loved? That didn’t seem like nearly enough.

Then again, his stolen moments with Loren hadn’t been enough either. If they had been allowed to love and be loved, maybe that would have felt like all he needed.

That thought might have been what made Zach drive back to Bryce’s house once he found his way back to the car. Or maybe it was the knowledge that even if he did go back to PERI headquarters, he wouldn’t find that perfect fit anymore. PERI’s training had changed him into someone who bore no resemblance to the brother Bryce remembered… and now, even his brief time with Bryce had changed him further. If he showed up at headquarters, PERI might not recognize him.

When he stepped into the house, Bryce had clearly been pacing in front of the door for hours. His face was flushed, his collar soaked with sweat.

He grabbed Zach by the shoulders. “Where were you?” he exploded. “Where have you been?” His voice was ragged. His eyes were hollow pits of fear.

Zach wanted to tell Bryce he didn’t need to worry anymore. He wanted to assure his brother that he had made the choice to come back and be part of his family, to love, to be loved. But he didn’t want to burden Bryce with the knowledge that it had been a difficult decision. Instead, he privately resolved to commit to that decision, and stop rehearsing for his return.

He had been trying. He could try a little harder.

Bryce let go. He sagged heavily back onto the couch. “I thought…” He shook his head, and didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t have to.

Zach thought about telling Bryce he was worn out and needed to rest. It was the truth—even though he was almost fully healed, he could feel the strain of the day’s exertion in every line of his body, although he hadn’t done much but sit in a tree. Or maybe the exhaustion was more emotional than physical.

He took a deep breath and sat down on the couch next to Bryce.

“Would you sit with me for a while?” he asked, without quite looking at Bryce. “Like when we were kids, and there was a storm.”

He held out his hand for Bryce to take. With another deep breath, he met Bryce’s eyes.

“I’d like to tell you about Loren,” he said. “About why I loved him.”

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