#your partner leaving you for someone who is cis might be more upsetting

[tenshindon]

I don't think your wording is bad at all! It's realy nice to see that you're so open to outside perspectives on the matter, and it definitely makes it feel more comfortable to talk to you about it 😊 But yeah, being anything but cis and trying to find someone to date can be exhausting if the other person isn't lgbtq+ themselves, or at the very least open minded about dating someone who is, and after being with the same person for more than a decade and having things get broken off... Man, how do you even recover from that? Spending so many years together thinking you've found someone that accepts you the way you are, someone that's actually going to stay, only to lose it all after all that time... I know Yamcha recovers and they stay on good terms, but in the moment? It's so easy to think "How am I ever going to find that again?" It really isn't as easy to find someone to be fully compatible with when you're not cis.

i'm glad i can be approachable about this kind of stuff- i really do want to be able to understand and know as much as i can!

but yeahyeah that exactly is what i understand; it's upsetting enough that a lover of nearly over a decade leaves you for another person, but it surely has to add an extra layer of anxiety and might make things worse i guess (if youre that kind of person- some people can bounce back easier than others, but for others it could just make things worse. in the case of yamcha it could have made things worse as he's never even seen or spoken of with another girl outside of the main cast again)

[optimistickidflowereclipse]

Alright, guys, I know that a lot of us here don’t consider Thor:Ragnarok as canon, but I’ve stumbled upon a post regarding it and would like to talk about the issue highlighted by it — mlm fetishization.

Namely, this interaction between Loki and Grandmaster giffed, as well as their relationship as whole,

“Time works real different around these parts. On any other world I would be millions of years old but here on Sakaar…(winks)”

And the overwhelming reaction to it in the comments

Imo this is what actual fetishization of gay men in the fandom looks like, not its popular “wahh, anybody other than a cis gay man has dared to ship two male characters together!” definition.

Here’s why:

When we look past the “GAY!!!0w0” part the majority of the commenters prefers to focus on, what is left is a heavily implied abusive relationship with incredible power imbalance, where one party holds basically unlimited power over the other whose very consent to stay in this arrangement is questionable at best.

Grandmaster is a tyrannical ruler of the planet Loki ended up stuck on due to circumstances outside of his control. The planet where according to what we were shown the options for most new arrivals are limited to joining GM’s court, becoming slave traders/guards or being enslaved and sent to the Arena to brutally die. Even if we assume that Loki came to GM’s palace out of his own will and wasn’t brought there as some scrapper’s capture like Thor, it still wasn’t an actual free choice given the alternative.

What is more, the movie itself clearly acknowledges this imbalance. GM is shown to be murder-happy and controlling towards everyone on Sakaar, including his closest circle.

Even the people he seems to be fond of are wary of him. He routinely disregards any boundaries anyone, including Loki, might have, while Loki looks clearly uncomfortable whenever they are in the same room and not at all like someone interested in their current or potential partner.

Take this scene, for example, where Loki unsuccessfully tries to leave Arena after seeing Hulk

“Whoa, whoa, where are you going, sit down.”

Notice the casual hand on his chest and Loki’s body language. GM doesn’t even stop to ask why Loki is so scared and running, he just pushes him back into the lounge area and Loki freezes and complies despite being absolutely terrified of the creature back there.

This is the behavior of a man who is well-aware that pissing GM off might very well equal a death sentence in his circumstances, as are most court members according to the following exchange:

Grandmaster : I'm upset! I'm very upset. You know what I like about being upset? Blame. Right now, that's the mindset that I'm in. And you know who I'm blaming?

Loki : Grandmaster, I...

Grandmaster : Hey! Don't interrupt me!

Topaz : [holds up a Melting Stick]  Here you go!

Grandmaster : Why are you handing me the Melt Stick? He was interrupting. That's not a capital violation. My precious champion has come up missing and its all because of that Lord of Thunder. It's all because of him, YOUR brother - whatever the story is, adopted, or complicated, I'm sure there's a big history - and YOUR contender!

Loki : My dear friend, if you were to give me twelve hours I could bring them both back to you.

Valkyrie : I can do it in two.

Loki : I could do it in one.

Grandmaster : You know what? I woke up this morning thinking about a public execution. But for now, I'll settle for this sweet little "who's gonna get him first?" So you're on the clock!

If Loki was a woman, all of them would immediately recognize this “relationship” for what it is — a pretty obvious centuries old “you are either mine or dead” situation — and call it out for being abusive. But when it’s two men, it’s only funny and sexy I guess.

And for the record — I’m not against abusive or problematic ships, I ship a lot of dark and messed up stuff myself. But you need to, you know, recognize that they are abusive and not brush it under the rug because “omg gay! So hot!” or acknowledge that you are shipping a very AU dynamic of the characters.

Because frankly, seeing posts like this leaves me as a bi guy wondering “how much toxic shit are these people willing to close their eyes to in irl mlm relationships according to the same logic of ooh, GaY?”

[hellomynameisbisexual]

“QUEER”

First of all, let’s clear up a common misconception. Queer does not just mean gay. It’s an umbrella term for an identity which deviates from society’s perceived norm: heterosexual, or straight. Queer can refer to sexualities — gay, bisexual, pansexual, — or it can refer to being gender-queer; i.e, any label that deviates from the perceived gender norm: the binaries, male and female.

“Queer” is a reclaimed slur.

If you do not fall under the umbrella of queerness, it is safe to assume that you cannot use it. At all.

I am bisexual.

This means I experience attraction to plural genders. Pansexual also works fine. For the difference between bisexual and pansexual — see here:

Being bisexual isn’t easy. I went through similar hardships to gay women: I experienced attraction to women and was scared of what this meant for me, in such an oppressively homophobic society.

I am not saying being bisexual is harder than being gay, nor the inverse. But my experiences are distinctly bisexual, not gay.

Without further ado, here are the 3 things I’ve found to be the hardest about being queer, but not gay (enough).

#1: Finding My Place

Or, not being queer enough

I always knew I wasn’t straight, but I didn’t know what I was. Up until recently, I was still questioning. This didn’t feel enough to join groups or conversations with LGBT+ folk, let alone go to pride. Was I even LGBT if I was never L, G, B, or T?

I am still yet to attend a pride, even though I identify (fairly confidently) as bisexual. I am in a relationship with a man. This is (problematically) known as a “straight-passing relationship” and makes me feel even more undeserving of a place at pride.

This has been upsetting to me at times. But for others, it can be outright devastating. Growing up and needing support, but feeling like you’re ‘not gay enough’ to ask for it? So many young people are being left alone and afraid. Finding others like you is vital to figuring out who you are. Likewise, finding spaces which are safe and inclusive is vital for anyone, regardless of their sexuality or gender identity. A friend of mine happens to be a transgender man, and he summed up the issue perfectly:

“One thing that I keep noticing is how all hangout spots are “gay bars”, or (far less common) “lesbian bars”. I’m a straight man, so I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be there, but hanging out at regular bars is still too much of a gamble, so I don’t really have anywhere to go.”

It goes without saying that gay folk aren’t always safe in these spaces, as seen by the homophobic attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, in 2016. Bigotry hurts the entire LGBT+ community. Bigotry doesn’t stop to ask whether you identify as gay or otherwise queer before it pulls the trigger.

But the LGBT+ community itself is much more welcoming to those who “pick a side” and just come out as gay, already. The infighting is inexplicable when one looks to attacks such as that in Orlando: bigots don’t care which letter you are in the acronym. So why does gatekeeping exist when we need to be strong in the face of intolerance when fragmentation only makes us weaker? Who are we helping by continuing to exclude identities from the discussion?

#2: Myths and Misconceptions

Well, it stands to reason that if bisexuals are what they seem in TV and movies, why would anyone want to make them feel included? They’re “greedy” and inauthentic. They’re attention-seeking, not to mention their propensity for threesomes. Now, I haven’t been in a wild orgy yet, but it seems like it will only be a matter of time before I follow my natural path.

Straight men, in particular, need to own up to their assumption that bisexual women are down for a threesome. The thing is, we are. But not with you, you big ASSUMER.

Infidelity

All jokes aside, the stereotyping of bisexuals is not only hurtful, but leads to difficulties finding and maintaining relationships.

As I came to terms with my bisexuality, I also had to accept that I might never be fully trusted by my partner, regardless of their gender or sexuality. I was shocked when my partner reacted to my coming out with the equivalent of a shrug — so much so, that I burst into tears of gratitude that my soul-bearing moment hadn’t been met with slut-shaming or assumptions of disloyalty. Nothing has changed. If anything, our bond is even stronger for me having been more authentic after coming out.

But cruelty came from elsewhere: when I came out, I was told that my partner was to be pitied, either because I’m gay and in denial, or bound to cheat on him. The main consequence of such attitudes has been the crippling fear of coming out to my partner. It saddens me that I felt so relieved when he accepted me for being who I am, and loving him just the same as I always have.

This outcome is not the case for many couples, with straight folk worried that their bisexual partner will realise they’re gay and just leave them. This fear of abandonment comes from a place of ignorance. When the media presents bisexuality as a steppingstone on the way to “picking a team”, it’s no wonder that people struggle to trust their queer partners.

Other Queer Myths

The myth that all trans folk medically transition invalidates those who choose not to do so, and let’s not forget the ignorant jeers that it's all just a mental illness. Asexual folk battle the stereotype that they can never have a relationship and shall forever remain a virgin (because what an awful thing that would be, right?) And pansexuals… well, at the lighter end, they’re asked if they have sex with cooking utensils. But often, they’re erased as irrelevant because “we already have the label bisexual”.

This brings us onto the third and final difficulty that comes with queer folk who aren’t easily categorizable as gay: erasure.

#3: Erasure

Erasure refers to the denial of an identity’s existence or its validity as a label.

Non-binary folk face ongoing and loud claims that they simply do not exist. This is despite the historical and scientific evidence to the contrary. Plus, the most important evidence — them, existing. Asexual folk are told they simply have not found the right person yet, or that they are just afraid of sex. Demi-sexual folk are told “everyone feels like that, unless they’re just sleeping around!”. And bisexuals are dismissed as simply being in denial that they’re gay.

Monosexuality & The Gender Binary

Our culture is so built on monosexuality (being solely attracted to one gender — for instance, gay or straight). Monosexuality is reinforced through everything from marriage to dating apps, the media to what we teach in schools. People cannot fathom that someone might want to experience more than one gender in their lifetime.

The binary models of sex and gender are also deeply ingrained. These rigid belief systems combined are to blame for our inability to accept that bisexuals do not need to “pick a side”. I was paralysed by fear for 17 years because I found girls attractive and that might mean I’m gay, because bisexuals are just gays who haven’t realised they’re gay yet.

Bierasure

Bierasure is dangerous, firstly because it leads a child to have to internalise both biphobia and homophobia. For instance, I had to work through being taught to hate gayness, whilst being taught that any attraction to non-male genders made me gay.

Women were cute, and so I was gay, and this meant I was disgusting.

My own mother told me this. She also told me that something has “gone wrong in the womb” for a child to be gay. (Well, Mum, I’ve got some bad news about your womb!)And she, like any bigot, extended this theory to anyone who experiences same-sex attractions — anyone queer. This is another reason why bi-erasure is perilous. Whether you’re a gay, cis-male or a demi-bisexual, trans woman… if your parents will kick you out for being gay, they will likely kick you out for being any sort of queer.

If we deny the bigotry that bisexuals undergo, we will continue to suffer. It won’t just go away. It will fester, with bisexuals having no one they can go to who believes them. And thus:

Erasure Kills

Bullying and suicide rates of queer-but-not-gay people continue to sky-rocket. We must direct funding, support and compassion to every queer individual, as they are all vulnerable to discrimination and bullying. The problem is being left to fester. This is in part because bigots treat all queer labels as just ‘gay’, deeming them equally unworthy. This is how far erasure can go.

Conclusion

Earlier on, I stated that my experiences are distinctly bisexual. The same applies to any queer identity.

Emphasising our differing paths and struggles is important to avoid the aforementioned erasure of already less visible groups. But this does not mean that the LGBT+ community should be fragmented by these differences.

If we can unite in our hope to live authentically and love freely, we will be stronger against bigotry. We are fighting enough intolerance from without: there is no need to create more from within.

So out of everything, what’s the hardest part about being bisexual?

It’s the fact that nobody knows it’s this hard.

[renardtrickster]

What do you think of the word "toxic masculinity"?

When I was cringe I used to have violent reactions against that term, but I love it now. "Toxic masculinity" describes when a society has gender roles, and the gender roles for men, when enforced by themselves or others, ends up harming them in some way. For example, in America, "men don't cry", so you're expected to remain stoic in all but a few proscribed situations. If you cry in situations that aren't those, it's seen as disturbing and you're less of a man for doing it, so this gender role encourages men to bottle up their emotions. This leads to troubles concerning intimacy and interpersonal relationships (can't open yourself up too much, that'd be weird), communication (difficult to discuss emotionally heavy issues when one or both participants feel like they'd lose social credibility by doing so), and processing their own emotions, which in turn leads to a variety of issues, including "I'm upset, must punch" and suicide. In fact, I daresay "men don't cry" is a pretty huge factor as to why male suicide rates are so high.

Of course, that's just one example (and arguably the archetypal example). Other examples of toxic masculinity might include the idea that action is good and thinking is bad, you need to rely upon yourself only, shirking domestic skills (including cooking and cleaning), various feelings of entitlement towards women, unironic "boys will be boys" in regards to sexual harassment and bullying, or that you can "lose your man card" by not liking sports, not wanting to kill something, being raped, not being straight and the dominant partner in your relationships with cis girls exclusively, etc. As well as "machismo" and harmful attitudes towards women ("a key that opens every a lock/a lock that gets opened by every key" and all). And it's true that society (at least in America) has been moving away from that steadily. Boys are being taught that it's okay and healthy to cry, shunning sports is now no longer an unthinkable prospect, girls being the dominant partners in relationships is not only become more accepted, but it's actually celebrated and fetishized to an extent (which is good because femdom is based but bad when you've got dudes who want their girlfriends to be their moms, we need to push back against Freud as much as possible), and you have extremely straight dudebros joking about giving each other "brojobs", among other things. But I wouldn't say it's completely gone yet, and I'd also say that the initial talking about Toxic Masculinity back in the 2010s contributed to this Gender Revolution.

I will say though, that I don't like when certain feminists misuse toxic masculinity to mean less "when a man's gender roles are enforced in such a way to cause harm" and more "when a man", but I HATE moreso the fact that "toxic masculinity" is something of a four-letter word among anti-SJWs and anti-feminists, because a bunch of online feminists used it wrong so you can’t use it ever. Toxic masculinity is a genuinely useful term to describe a genuinely harmful phenomenon that genuinely still exists, but they react to the term reflexively with instinctual disgust and anger. And it goes beyond "well dumb feminists misused it and they misunderstand what it means", some of them actively perpetrate using the term wrong. Like, I saw a video on this site once where a firefighter ran into a burning house to save a small child, and someone captioned it "how's that for toxic masculinity, HUH FEMINISTS, guy probably should have checked his privilege". In 2020. It's upsetting not only because I'm witnessing multiple poor souls trapped in a time vortex that doesn't let them leave 2013, but because this is a large, deeply-ingrained issue that affects everybody, and they're perpetuating a death of language that lets us combat this issue. And death of language is already infuriating on its own, but it's being done in a way that passively bolsters oppressive gender roles. And some of these guys would want to actively bolster them I reckon, but even the ones that don't (or at least say they don't as they turn around and post soyjaks) still end up doing it, blind to the harm and destruction they're doing.

So I tend to think pretty positively of "toxic masculinity" as a term and as a concept, and my feelings towards those who refuse to understand it, or reject it in general, is overall very negative.

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

Thank you very much for taking the time to answer! Tbh I'm really confused and upset over the whole thing. What you say makes sense, and I'm glad you share your perspective, but other people who call this article transphobic... I just don't get it. I saw people saying "the transwomen who agreed that's an issue are just transphobes themselves on a TERF's payroll like when US government had token black people defending segregation", and it just... makes zero sense to me. Maybe you or some of you followers know anything about this? And anyway I fail to see how "If someone doesn't want to have sex with you, leave it, no matter what the reason is" is transphobic. I guess there are some people who wouldn't date transpeople simply because they are trans, and probably that's transphobic, but what's the fun in dating/having sex with someone who doesn't really want this? Like, cis men are not called homophobes because they wouldn't have sex with gay men, but because they hate gay men for being gay. I think "I don't consider you a valid human being" and "You are a valid human, I'm just not interested in dating you" are different things. All this making one's sexual choices a matter of... social valor or social reward is strange, imo. I think it's totally possible to respect other people as people AND have no wish to date them at the same time. Sorry for the rant, I'm just really upset, I guess.

1. For a lotta people it's less about actually helping people and more about the populaity they get when they make posts condemning others. It's how the whole "woke" crowd works. And any disagreement just adds more people for them to cancel and more gratification for themselves. Especially when the other person wasn't being hateful.

2. It's not even transphobic to simple not want to date trans people. It's the reasoning behind it that MAY be transphobic. But not the idea itself. Trans people-- regardless of where they are in medical or social transitioning-- have a unique set of issues that they will have to deal with.

These issues can go from actual physical things to more mental issues. Some of them aren't too bad and some are a lot to deal with. For example, I do my hormones via a gel that I rub on my arms. So at night after I put it on I have to wear a long sleeve shirt so my gf doesn't get any of it on her (which can lead to health issues). That means in the summer I'm a lot hotter and cuddling isn't as easy. For someone who really likes cuddling that could be an issue. For others it might not be a big deal. Meanwhile on days when gender dysphoria is hitting really hard I tend to talk less, have less facial expression, and just overall seem out of it. For someone like my gf who has had a lotta trauma, me not having any expression or tone in my voice can sometimes put her into a fight or flight mode. For us, we are able to deal with it but I can completely understand someone not wanting to date someone who might go basically mute for a whole ass day with no expression on their face. I think it's understandable that might be a hard pass for some people. And I wouldn't be offended by it. I want someone who can handle me on those days.

There's a lot more that goes into not wanting to date trans people than what surgeries they have or haven't had. Even someone who's had all the surguries and passes perfectly will still have issues related to being trans. That they're partner will have to help deal with (whether it's directly or indirectly). And it's valid to just.... Not want to deal with any of that.

There are people who don't want to date people who have depression. And while that sucks, it's not a bad thing. They know what they can and can't handle. And they can't give a partner with depression everything they need. And that depressed person deserves someone who's comfortable and capable of giving them the support they need.

It's not transphobic to not want to date a trans person, regardless of where they are in the transition. It sucks and can make dating life harder for trans people. But why would you want to date someone who's not 100% comfortable with you in the first place??? I know it's tough and getting rejected can make dysphoria flair. But finding someone who loves you as you are is vital in having a healthy relationship.

The ONLY time it's transphobic to not date a trans person is if you don't see them as their actual gender.

Not transphobic: you're a beautiful women, but I'm not interested in dating you.

Transphobic: I don't want to date you cuz you're not a real women.

3. Someone can say no to dating someone because you have blond hair. And you know what??? That's valid. It's weird. But it's valid. And they have every right to say no for literally any reason. And they don't owe you an explanation. People can just say no. It's not always personal. With all the voices vouching for consent and boundaries you'd think people would be more welcoming of that idea.

[ardenttheories]

Homestuck's always been antagonistic and insensitive, but I don't recall seeing any of you try to dox Hussie? But please, continue to rationalise how cyberbullying lgbt people for not being nice enough and having opinions about a fictional character you disagree with puts you in the right. A story doesn't go the way you'd like and this is how you respond? You COULD have just not bothered reading it instead of CHOOSING to make your online life about something you hate like a toxic weirdo.

Hi, Kate. I’m so glad you could find my blog. (Edit: that was a joke. Apparently, some anons find it impossible to tell that I don’t actually think you’re Kate). It’s clear to me that you didn’t take the time to read through any of the content that’s actually on here, since you’re throwing around rather wild accusations, so let me take this down step by step.

Homestuck has only rarely been antagonistic and insensitive. Things like the Alpha Trolls - which were clear criticisms of fandom culture - were relatively few and far between, and when we complained about them, they actually stopped. Remind me, for instance, how relevant the Alpha Trolls were to the plot? How long they stayed as mockeries towards the fandom? Yeah, not long. I actually have talked about this before on the blog - alongside other things I thought were negative towards the fandom from the original comic - but the difference here is that... in the entirety of Homestuck, these things were outliers and inconsistencies. They stuck out because they were in stark contrast to the otherwise wonderfully handled content Homestuck went over.

For instance, Homesuck is critical of abuse - especially in terms of relationships. We see through a critical lense the shit normalisation of parental abuse can do to a child - with actual talk of triggers and of the mental and emotional scarring left behind, and the complexities of the child’s feelings towards the parent’s death through Dave - and we see how self destructive relationships can be, how harmful they are, and how hard it can be to leave them - such as Terezi’s very toxic blackrom with Gamzee, which was always portrayed as something negative and harmful especially with how worried Karkat was for her and how withdrawn she became during its run, and Dirk’s relationship with Jake, which goes very much over how communication can cause a deterioration in romantic relationships especially when the two participants have conflicting mental illnesses. 

It also goes over how men, though they can be mired in toxic masculinity, can choose to be good. How sometimes we’re not born as good people, but we can become good people through the love we have for the people around us, through frequent attempts to check what we’re doing, through the sheer willpower to be good. Dirk’s entire arc, knowing that he could very easily become Bro but deciding he doesn’t want to be, that it’s something he wants to work on, is so important and incredibly powerful. Mental illness in men is often just given as an excuse to make them violent with no attempts at betterment - so Dirk actually existed as proof that you don’t have to be that stereotype. 

In contrast, Homestuck^2 completely uncritically gave Jade, who was cis, a dog dick, made her, a bisexual woman, a sex maniac and the yaoi “woman who gets in the way of the gays” trope, made her a cheater and someone who forced her partner into the relationship to begin with, and made her a neglectful mother after having cheated with her best lesbian friend in something that has incredible recall to just about every futanari video ever - and they tried to claim that this was good representation of trans women, actually, and that the only reason we didn’t like it is that Jade is “a woman” who “has sex”.

Likewise completely uncritically, they made Gamzee, an anti-black stereotype, enter a relationship with Jane, a fascist, and then made the entire thing into a cuck joke wherein Jake being frequently drunk and sexually assaulted was funny because he wasn’t “man enough”. They then forced him to go back to his abuser after he left her in a scene that read very much like, “ridiculous man thinks woman is abusing him, go back and do your manly job”. 

This, of course, doesn’t even go into the travesty that is any form of trans representation in the comic. Roxy, a trans man, is barely even focused on as trans; they make no attempt to enforce in the fandom that he’s a trans man the way they do that June is a trans woman, and even then, they seem to think that just saying someone is a trans woman is actually good representation. Not, like, bringing it into the comic - just saying that it’s a thing. And of course, that’s not even going into the completely uncritical lense they have of Vriska, wherein her being a trans woman completely frees her of any and all blame for the past abuses she has comitted, and once again she becomes an amazing character to save the day without a single flaw - which in turn inherently associates trans women with abuse apologism, abusers, and the ideology that just because we’re trans we can get away with anything scott free. 

I honestly cannot think of one instance of good and genuine representation in Homesuck^2, nor can I think of any scene where negative content was actually treated as the negative thing it actually is. There’s no critical lense at all, not like we have in Homestuck; there’s just no fucking comparison. And this isn’t a one-off situation, either. Whereas Homestuck does do fuck ups - isn’t perfect - in between the otherwise brilliant content, Homestuck^2 is just founded upon these horrific takes. There’s almost no good content in between, and what is left is a slog to get through when surrounded by the thick slurry of shit that compromises futa Jade, abuse apologism Vriska, and victim blaming Jake. 

Of course, we didn’t “doxx” Hussie. Hussie actually listened to our complaints, for the most part, and worked with us to create something that worked well. The way Homestuck^2 was touted to work. You know, since it was meant to be written with the fandom in mind, influenced by the things we suggest and react to. We went into Homestuck^2 with the explicit idea that we were going to be listened to and taken into consideration when it was being written - the way we were with old Homestuck. I’m very sorry to say that, when you make these expectations, people are going to be a titchy bit upset when you then commandeer the entire thing and exclude the fandom from any of the process that you said they were going to be part of.

Additionally, it’s rather funny, isn’t it, that what you call doxxing is actually just people upset with how triggering content is being handled, and going to the people who actually wrote the content in order to voice their complaints? It’s almost as if social media exists to allow this communication between reader and author, which is a fundamental thing you’ll learn in any creative writing course, such as the one I’m on currently, wherein you’re actually taught how to respond to social media and to build up your image with your fans. 

Homestuck^2 is an ongoing piece of media. We’re well aware that we have a potential to change these uncritical takes and the horrific way they’re being handled if the writers will just listen to genuine criticism. This is, frankly, no different to the people who go to J. K. Rowling’s Twitter to tell her how harmful her transphobic comments are; because if she believes these things, they will work their way into her texts and will perpetuate harmful ideologies. 

The literal same thing is happening in Homestuck^2 - again, such as futa Jade, which normalises the point of view that bisexuals are cheaters and completely trivialises what it means to be trans, or Gamzee, which perpetuates just about every anti-black stereotype possible. Media does have a very powerful impact on what people see in the real world. This is why, for instance, positive black characters are so important in media; if they’re always portrayed as villains, then people will see real world black people as villains as the ideology is perpetuated to the point of fact. This is especially true if the people already believe in the ideology.

Fiction is one of the best ways that we can counteract this cycle. If you make a character that they like, and they happen to be positive representation, and then they watch more media that is likewise positive representation, it’s more likely to stick that these positive representations are the actual experiences of minority groups. Also? It’s important TO those minority groups. A black person, especially right now, doesn’t want to see an anti-black stereotype fuck a fascist, engage in sexual assult, and then enact pedophilia - only to die at the hands of a hero and be laughed at for the death. Surprisingly, shit like this is why we need to tell the writers that what they’re doing is harmful, that they’re perpetuating phobic ideologies, and that we need better representation - especially in a comic that is this widely read, and also has a very large minor fanbase. 

I shouldn’t need to explain why exposing minors to anti-black stereotypes, transphobic, homophobic, biphobic, abuse apologism, victim blaming, and the trivialisation of rape and sexual assault (especially towards men), might be a federal fucking issue. 

So, no, we’re not actually cyberbullying LGBT+ people. We’re trying to hold shitty writers accountable for the incredibly toxic and harmful ideologies they’re forcing into a text that has always been written with critical thought in mind. 

I should also point out how funny it is that you’re focusing on how some of the writers are LGBT+ - as if we’re not? I’m trans, I’m gay, and I’m ace. Yes, I can actually be these things and absolutely furious that a trans women is writing some of the most transphobic shit I’ve seen in a while into characters she then claims to be completely free of blame. We can be furious that people within our own community are enforcing negative stereotypes.

Being LGBT+ does not make them free from blame. We cannot give them a free pass to be racist, to be transphobic, to be homophobic, biphobic, to be abuse apologists, just because they’re LGBT+. Not only because that’s just a terrible fucking idea to begin with, but because it also reflects so, so badly on the community as a whole. As if being part of the community instantly means that you can do no wrong? As if there can be no toxicity within our own community, despite the fact that there very much is and it is still an issue to this day?

That is such an issue, one of the biggest issues even shown just in Vriska and the way Kate handles her as a whole - and, once again, is WHY we need to get them looking at this shit more critically. This view that LGBT+ people can do no wrong and cannot be criticised is shoved into Homestuck^2 and, once again, perpetuates the ideology. This isn’t something to be proud of. This isn’t something that’s actually okay.

Also, your point that the writers aren’t nice enough and that we disagree on fictional characters - well, I’ve already been over the second part. But for the first part, I would like to remind you that they aren’t just random LGBT+ people on the internet that we’re going to because we think their takes are a little shitty. They’re actual writers working on a piece of media. They are official content creators. 

Again, one of the first things you learn on any creative writing course is that when you become a writer, you gain a significant amount of responsibility for your interactions with the fandom. This is something that you genuinely have to expect, and if you don’t, then, unfortunately you just don’t know what it means to write something that thousands of people have a potential to read. As a writer, it is your responsibility to portray your image online; it is your responsibility to engage with the fans in a meaningful way; it is your responsibility to not cause drama and to listen when criticism is brought up, to have genuine discussion and not to perpetuate hatred - especially towards your own fanbase.

Consider, for instance, the way I’m talking to you right now. This is the sort of tone that someone should take when talking to a fan about genuine criticism. When things are brought up, you go over them step by step, you listen, you write back - you don’t go on a flurry of “fuck yous” to a minor who asked you why your team didn’t post anything about the BLM movement on the official Twitter, and you definitely don’t respond to every comment with genuine criticism with the word “pigshit”. You almost definitely don’t tell your trans masculine and masculine-aligned nonbinary fans that their opinions don’t matter.

As a writer, Kate and the rest of the team have a responsibility with their interactions with their fans. They aren’t just normal fandom voices anymore; they’re official fandom voices, voices that have more weight behind them than anyone else. They’re who people are going to turn to when it comes to anything regarding Homestuck^2. Their words now reflect literally everything about Homestuck^2, the future of Homestuck as an expanded universe, and the opinions of the group as a whole. They have to be careful with what they say. They have to be held to the same standards as industry voices because that’s essentially what they are - especially now that Homestuck is something you pay for. 

Also, this isn’t a point of the story not going the way I want. This is a point of many of people in the fandom being upset with how content is being handled, upset that their voices are being shut down, upset that triggering content is being laughed at or used flippantly and without care or respect. This is people being upset that trigger warnings were removed specifically to make the comic unsafe for them as a punishment for daring to say that something was wrong. This is people being upset that a piece of media that used to be so fucking good at portraying sensitive content in a critical light, that used to be so good at normalising LGBT+ identities and healthy representations of those identities, has suddenly turned to this. 

The story can go whatever way it wants - and frankly, that’s fine be my. What isn’t fine is that content is being used specifically to hurt and to incite.

And, of course, that final piece; nothing will improve if we don’t say that it’s wrong to begin with. Someone needs to voice the complaints of the fanbase, othrewise these toxic ideologies are going to go unchecked. One of the biggest things I’ve come to understand while making these posts is that a significant portion of the fandom feels isolated in their hurt; they don’t think other people feel the same way they do, and several people have mentioned feeling like they were going crazy because they were upset with things that the text and writers are normalising. It’s so important to make sure that these people know they’re not alone. It’s so important to make sure that our voices are heard. It’s so important to try and create critical discussion and debate over something that so many people still fucking love. 

The thing is, I don’t hate Homestuck^2. I actually really, desperately wish I could enjoy it. I wish I could read through it and theorise, could go in depth about how amazing the characters are, could write long and extensive posts on how creative and engaging it is - could even just go on about how interesting the Meat-Candy divide is, and all the points they’re trying to make about canonicity. But I genuinely fucking can’t. There is just so, so much wrong in the text that is completely unrelated to plot and to the overarching Point that makes it impossible for me to read, to want to read, to try to encourage other people to read. They’re things that literally don’t need to be in there, either; stereotypes and toxic ideologies and uncritical or badly handled sensitive topics that could be rectified so, so easily. 

Homestuck^2 could be amazing for a lot of the fandom. It could be something that we all rally around the same way we did for the original comic. For for a lot of people, it has ruined their fandom experience, has ruined their desire to want to read anything more to do with Homestuck, and has caused a significant portion of the fandom to just drop out entirely. That in and of itself should be a sign that this isn’t just a little fandom drama. That this is something much bigger and much more serious that, just maybe, needs to be looked into, talked about, understood - and, potentially, changed. 

[sir-lili]

hello !! may i request a ship with harry potter fandom please? if possible, can the ships be separate for marauders and next generation please? if not, that's perfectly okay <33 i'm a cis female and i'm a heterosexual. my mbti is a mix between enfp and esfp and i'm a gryffindor, according to pottermore. my zodiac sign is libra. my friends describe me as out-going, active, kind, understanding, and supportive. i do kind of have a 'devil-may-care' attitude and is generally chill unless i feel someone is being unfair or just plain horrible. i love hanging out with my friends but i also love spending time by myself just as much. i usually like to read, watch movies, listen to music, or browse the internet in my free time when i'm not out partying or hanging out with my friends. i'm almost always the the one who initiates gatherings and parties in my friend group. tysm for your time !! hope you have a wonderful day/night <33

(I didn’t proof red this, or actually I did but i’m sleep deprived and not wearing my glasses so I hope it came out ok)

I ship you with…

Albus Severus  Potter!

Albus has always been quiet and closed off, always trying to blend in and pass unnoticed. He feels like his every move is being watched and analyzed, and can’t find it in himself to shrug it off like his siblings and his horde of cousins. He meets you during a Quidditch match Gryffindor was playing in; your red and gold scarf wouldn’t be anything out of the normal, if you just weren’t sitting in the Slytherin stands. Albus tries to see if maybe you’re there with someone, but it looks like you’re o your own. A lot of people is watching you, but you just sit there unfazed. You momentarily lower your gaze and catch his questioning one, you just shrug your shoulders at shift you gaze back to the game with a faint smile on your lips.

Since that day he’s always watching you. He actually doesn’t know how is it possible that he never noticed you before, you’re practically glowing. It seems that every time he looks at you, you’re always either laughing heartedly at something or at least have that trademark smirk of yours. He learns that you hang out with all of his Gryffindor cousins, but that contrary to them you’re not as loud and short tempered.

He also learns that you share Potions together. One day the two of you get partnered together and he’s feeling super anxious, he’s not sure how to behave around you. But then you start talking non-stop about a million different topics and he immediately feels at ease. He ends up making your potion explode on you by the end of the class. He’s looking at you mortified, waiting for you to lash at him, but then you start laughing and actually flick him some of the goo at him playfully. He’s starting to smile when someone starts ridiculing him for his terrible skills in potion. He watches as your smile is instantly wiped off your face, and you raise your wand to the guy’s face, threatening him with sharp words. He thinks he might be in love. As everyone starts to leave the classroom, you turn to shoot HIM a wink.

From that moment the two of you become almost inseparable and you start making a lot of friends in Slytherin, and even start organizing little parties on their Common Room. Albus is completely smitten with you but is too shy to make any move, so you actually decide to take matter into your own hands and kiss him fiercely. Albus is just as red as your Gryffindor tie.

 …Sirius Black

You and Sirius immediately hit it off the first time you met during first year, and remained friends ever since. You’re actually the only girl in Hogwarts who’s ever been only interested in being friends with him, since usually girls are only interested in flirting with him (except for Lily, but she doesn’t count).

He considers you as part of the Marauders, but he doesn’t see you as ‘one of the mates’. The two of you are always playing and bantering playfully, and sometimes he goes to you for help planning a new prank. But Sirius is not all laughter and jokes, there’s moments he feels sad and angry and doesn’t know how to deal with all of those emotions. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking about his emotions to the blokes, he doesn’t want to be a bother or worry them, and he feels like it’d be kind of awkward, so he goes to you. He looks at you with those big sad eyes and you immediately pull him into a tight hug. He hugs you back even more tightly and stuffs his face in the crook of your neck. Sometimes he lets tears drop silently, other times his entire body shakes with heart-shattering sobs and you have to refrain yourself from crying. Once he’s calmed down he opens up about what’s upsetting him, arms still tight around you.

One evening the two of you are lying down on his bed, hugging. He raises his head to look at your face, and stares at you for a few minutes as you sleep peacefully. Slowly he touches your lips with his, and his heart actually stops as you open your eyes, only to start beating again when you smile to him.

A week after you started dating, you’re already the power couple of Hogwarts. Various girls and boys look at you with envy, and you shoot them a smug smile. Sirius has always an arm around your shoulders or a hand on your thigh, as long as he’s touching you.

James always makes gagging noises whenever the two of you show some pda.

[mindfulwrathwrites]

What Does Transness Feel Like?

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One of the most common gaps in understanding I see from cisgender (“not-trans”) folks is that they find it extremely difficult to conceptualize what transness even is. The frame of reference is simply non-existent, and this can make it very difficult to have empathy for the kinds of things trans folks go through on a daily basis. Common questions include: “How did you know?” “How can you feel like a different gender?” “Why does it matter so much what people call you?”

And I get it, I do. It’s hard to understand something you’ve never experienced. So, for the cis folks in my audience (i.e. those who identify completely with the gender they were assigned at birth), we’re going to go through some thought exercises.

I will also add this caveat: every trans person is different, therefore every trans experience is different. I can only explain from my own frame of reference and try to highlight the most common commonalities I’ve seen in the community. If you really want to “get it,” I encourage you to talk with a diversity of trans people—trans women and trans men, nonbinary trans people (masculine, feminine, both, other, none of the above), trans people of color, disabled trans people, Jewish and Muslim trans people, etc. etc. etc. There are a lot of trans experiences that I personally don’t experience.

Example 1: Physical Dysphoria

Think of a close friend or family member whose gender is different from yours—for preference, someone close to your own age, like a sibling or a partner. Imagine you wake up in their body.

Take a moment to look at yourself from the first-person perspective. What do your hands look like now? When you look towards your belly-button, what do you see? When you look in the mirror, what kind of face is looking back? Remember that it’s your face, now, your hands, your body. What do you smell like this morning? What’s the texture of your hair, if you have it today? How tall are you? Will your clothes, the clothes you wore yesterday, still fit you? What does your voice sound like when you say good morning?

What are the differences between what you expect to see and what you do see? What if those differences are permanent? Is it okay if you can never change back, if you’re stuck in this body forever? Will you get used to it? Will you ever expect to see this new body, this new face, when you look in the mirror?

Would you try to get your old body back? How hard would you try? Why would you try that hard? If you couldn’t get your old body back, if your old body was gone (and the person you swapped with didn’t need theirs back), would you try to change the new one to be more like the old? What would you be willing to go through to have a body that almost fit, rather than one that didn’t fit at all?

In this example, the difference between what you see and what you feel, that mismatched expectation, is what lies at the root of my physical gender dysphoria. When you’re suddenly body-swapped, of course, you know why this body you’re in looks and feels mismatched—but imagine you grew up in that body. Imagine puberty, when these things that aren’t yours begin to appear in earnest. Maybe it would have been so wrong, so distressing, that you would have known right away why. Maybe you wouldn’t have. Maybe you weren’t aware that pain was not a normal part of growing up. Maybe you just didn’t know there was any other option.

If you grew up in a body that didn’t fit you, it might take you a long, long time to figure out why you were chafing. It might take some deep, rigorous soul-searching. It might take extensive discussion with other people who had the same problems and managed to figure it out. Many trans folks don’t figure out they’re trans until they’re adults, in their 20s or 30s or 40s or older, because they don’t have the frame of reference, either. Some never figure it out. I count myself lucky that I got there as early as I did.

Example 2: Social Dysphoria

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you’re pretty comfortable in your other-gender body for the moment. You’ve taken some time at home to get used to it, figured out how it works, and generally aren’t upset by it. You’ve accepted how you look and feel at this point, and you’re ready to get back out into the world.

Remember: you’re still you. Same name, same gender, same title and pronouns. Different body.

First question: how do you dress before you leave the house? Do you wear your clothes, or do you wear the clothes of the person whose body you’re in? Is it more important to match your interior experience, or your exterior appearance? If you dress in your clothes, will you be safe outside? Will you be laughed at, shunned, perhaps even assaulted?

Get dressed. You’re going to be late for work.

Let’s say you take the bus. Does the bus driver call you sir today, or ma’am? How do you feel when they do? Maybe it doesn’t bother you. Maybe you brush it off. You thank them—what does your voice sound like? Does it reinforce the bus driver’s choice of words? Does it match you?

Who do you sit next to on the bus? Who chooses to sit next to you? How do the other passengers look at you, and who are they seeing when they do? Are they seeing you, or just the body you’re in?

How did you dress this morning? Are you safe?

Let’s say you get to work with no further issues. Your coworkers call you by the name that goes with the body you’re in, use the pronouns that come attached. As far as they know, this is how you’ve always looked, how they’ve always referred to you. Do you correct them? Do you say, actually, no, today it’s different? If you asked them to accommodate you, would they? Would you feel safe asking them? Would you feel safe asking the same of your boss?

How do your coworkers talk to you? Is it the same way they’ve always talked to you, or are there subtle differences? Are you being taken more or less seriously? Who’s chummier all of a sudden, and who’s making you uncomfortable? Who are you making uncomfortable? Are you overreacting? Do you bite your tongue at the water cooler when somebody tells a funny story about you and six times in a row uses the wrong pronouns? Do you correct them when they introduce you to the new hire with the wrong name, wrong title, wrong gender?

All your documents, your email, the display on the phone, all have the wrong name on them, too. Does it bother you? Does it start to wear on you?

Breakfast was a few hours ago. Biology is calling. Which bathroom do you use? Which bathroom is it safe for you to use? Do you trust your coworkers? Do you really, really trust your coworkers? Or maybe you went out to lunch. There’s bathrooms at the restaurant, Men and Women. Which one do you use? Who will recognize you as belonging? Which would you be comfortable in? Where are you least likely to be assaulted or harassed? Where are you safe?

How did you dress this morning?

In this example, there is again a mismatch, but this time between perception and internal experience—for me, this is the root cause of social gender dysphoria. A trans person can be perfectly comfortable in their body when they’re alone, but inhabiting the social space of a different gender is, to a greater or lesser extent, distressing. It can be difficult to untangle social dysphoria from the fear of harm that comes with being trans in a transphobic society. Do I avoid wearing skirts because I don’t want to be seen as female, or because I’m afraid of being assaulted? I might like to wear a skirt, I might think they’re fun and comfortable—but I have a beard, broad shoulders and a square jaw, a deep voice. I am consistently read as ‘male’ when I’m out in public. Is it safe for me to wear a skirt outside? Is it safe for me to use public restrooms today? Whether or not I’m comfortable with my current presentation has an awful lot to do with who’s looking.

Example 3: Gender Euphoria

Maybe none of this is distressing to you. Maybe the answers to all of those questions up there are easy. Maybe none of it is a big deal.

But now, let’s say that after all of this has transpired, after you’ve been through a week or a month or a year of being body-swapped, imagine you wake up back in your body, just the way it was when you left it. All your scars in their places, every freckle right where you left it, your hair the right texture and your voice the right tone. Everyone uses the right name for you, the right pronouns, the right title. Maybe you’re absolutely elated! Maybe this brings such joy to you that you never, ever want to swap bodies again, even though being in the other body didn’t bother you at all.

This isn’t as a huge of a deviation from the trans experience as you might think—some trans people don’t experience dysphoria at all! And, in that same vein, some cis people do experience dysphoria—a cis woman who grows a beard may experience the same dysphoria as a trans woman who grows a beard; a cis man who is shorter than average may experience the same dysphoria as a short trans man.

Many trans people experience, rather than gender dysphoria, gender euphoria, where being in a body or a social space that matches their internal experience brings them great joy, rather than just an easing of pain. Even if there was no pain to start off with, occupying and presenting as their internally experienced gender, rather than the one they were assigned at birth, brings them immense pleasure and fulfillment.

Personally, I experience both gender dysphoria and gender euphoria. Being called by the wrong name or the wrong pronouns makes me feel physically ill. I detest the width of my hips, lament my lack of Adam’s apple, and get an ache in my chest when I have to stand in a group of other men who are all six inches taller than me. I hated my breasts so much that I had them surgically removed (I try not to say “I had my chest fixed,” because it wasn’t broken, even though it was deeply, intrinsically wrong for me). But I love my voice, love how it sounds when I speak and when I sing; I adore the shape of my jaw and the way my new beard draws attention to it; there is music in my name today.

From the age of twelve to the age of twenty-six, I was never, not once, comfortable. Sometimes I was in pain, sometimes I wasn’t, but there was never a time when I was comfortable.

It took less than six months of hormone replacement therapy to fix that.

I can’t tell you what the Trans Experience is. There are as many trans experiences as there are trans people. I hope, however, that giving you a window into my trans experience has given you a little more perspective, a little clearer frame of reference for the next trans experience you hear.

Be gentle with people, stand up to bigots, and for God’s sake don’t ask anybody about their genitals.

[flowerfan2]

Gray Skies - Ch. 7

McDanno, M, A03.

Chapter 7

Chapter summary:  “We’ve been self-medicating with sex and beer, and it’s not enough.”

It’s another morning when Steve can’t sleep.  He keeps replaying his last moments with Doris over and over in his head, imagining what he could have done differently.  He’s come up with about a dozen better plans, plans that would have worked, would have kept her safe.  

Usually going for a swim calms his mind, but although he gives it his best shot, it doesn’t do the trick today. Steve drips dry for a few minutes on the lanai, drags an old towel over his shoulders, then heads off down the street.

Steve starts with an easy jog and then speeds up his pace, challenging himself.  It feels good once he gets a solid rhythm going, feet pounding on the pavement.  It’s barely dawn, and the cool air brushes pleasantly against his damp skin.

When he feels the twinge of protesting muscles, he stumbles to a halt at the side of the road, gives himself a thorough stretch, one hand on the rough bark of a palm tree for support, and then continues.  He doesn’t want to stop yet.  When he’s in the zone his nightmares can’t touch him.

He’s somewhere in Waimanalo when he sees flashing lights, police cars pulled up in front of a tired bungalow, a familiar SUV parked on the street.  

“Steve?”  

Lou is hustling towards him. Steve’s hunched over with his hands on his knees, catching his breath, but he straightens as Lou approaches.

“Steve – are you okay?”

 Steve is confused at the question – sure, he’s breathing hard, but nothing unusual.  “Yeah, I’m good.  How are you?”

 “Steve, holy shit.”  Lou’s expression is oddly worried, and he puts a hand on Steve’s arm and guides him away from the crime scene.  “Have you talked to Danny?”

 Steve pats his hip for his phone, but it isn’t there.  “Why, is everything all right?”

 Lou’s brow furrows.  “Danny’s fine, that’s not-” Lou thrusts his own phone at Steve.  “Call him, please.”

 Steve takes Lou’s phone, but his hands are shaking and he can’t seem to figure it out.  Lou takes it back, swipes quickly, and turns his face away from Steve as he talks.

 “I’ve got him, Danny.  He’s right here.”  Lou shoots Steve a pointed look, then motions at the curb.  Steve sits down, surprised at how his legs are trembling. “No, he’s fine,” Lou drawls.  “All in one piece.  Here, check for yourself.”

 Lou leans over and holds the phone up to Steve’s ear.  He can hear Danny saying his name, followed by what seems to be a long rant consisting of “fuck, are you okay, what the hell” over and over.

 “Say something,” Lou hisses, and Steve finally takes the phone and interrupts Danny’s rant.

 “Danny, hey.”

 “Steve.  Thank god.  Stay right there, I’ll be there in ten minutes, fifteen, tops –  Steve, you’re all right, really, you’d tell me if you weren’t, right?”

 Steve shakes his head.  “Yeah, buddy.  I’m fine.  I just went for a run.”

 There’s a pause.

 “You… you went for a run?”

 Steve is getting a little tired of everyone reacting this way.  “Yeah, I went for a run, I do it all the time.  What’s the matter?”  

 There’s another pause, then Danny speaks, his voice low.  “Give the phone back to Lou.”

 “Danny-”

 “Steve.  I’m begging you.  Give the phone back to Lou.”

 Steve complies, and Lou talks with Danny for a minute before hanging up.  Tani comes over and sits down on the ground next to Steve, stretching her legs out in front of her.  She looks as worried as Lou, although she does a better job covering it up.

 “Could someone please tell me what the hell is going on?”  Steve asks. His calf cramps, and he leans over to rub it.  

 “No one knew where you were, big guy,” Lou says.

 “I went for a-”

 “Steve, it’s been hours,” Tani says gently, looking at him with concern.  “You didn’t show up for work.  You didn’t answer our texts.  We thought something happened to you.”

 Steve scans the area.  The crime scene has already been processed, the forensic guys are packing up.  The sun is high in the sky.  “What, um, what time is it?”

 “Two in the afternoon.”

 He left the house before six this morning.  That was eight hours ago.  Suddenly Steve’s chest feels tight.  “Where’s Danny?”

 “He and Junior have been driving around looking for you,” Lou says.  “Roughing up some CI’s, I’m guessing.  It ain’t been a good day for your boy.”

 Shame washes over him.  This can’t be right.

 “Come on, Steve, let me drive you home, you can get cleaned up.”  Tani stands and reaches her hand out to him.  “I’ll let Danny know to meet us there.”

 The drive back to his house passes in a daze.  Steve tries to think back, to track his actions over the course of the day, but all he gets after his swim is the memory of running, running down suburban streets, running along the beach, running by the highway.  He doesn’t remember being tired, or counting the miles, or making note of his progress.  Of thinking, even once, about how long he was gone, or about going to work.  All he had been concerned with, apparently, is chasing his nightmares out of his head.

 Steve’s fairly shaken by the time they get back to his house.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  How had he not noticed how much time had gone by?  

 He lets Tani inside and stands in the living room, trying to get his bearings.

 “How about a shower?”

 Steve blinks at Tani, and nods. Sure, maybe that will help.  

 He notices that Tani leaves the bathroom door open, just a bit.  He’s pretty sure she sits outside the bathroom for the length of his shower, moving out of his bedroom only when he comes out to get dressed.

 Steve’s just pulling a t-shirt over his head when the front door bangs open.

 “Steve?”  Danny bellows.

 “He’s upstairs,” Steve hears Tani say. Danny’s response is muted.  Tani must have taken Danny into the kitchen. Steve doesn’t much like them talking about him behind his back, but under the circumstances, he thinks he needs all the help he can get.

 Because he knows he fucked up today. He let his partner think the worst, that he was hurt or kidnapped or god knows what.  He failed Danny, and for no reason at all.  

 Danny’s got to be furious at him, and Steve deserves it.

 Steve comes down the stairs and looks around the empty space.  He’s trembling.  “Danny?”

 Danny comes out of the kitchen and makes a beeline for him.  At least he didn’t leave, Steve thinks.  He braces, figuring that if Danny needs to take a swing at him, so be it.

 Danny crashes into him but there’s no violence in it.  Instead, Danny wraps his arms around Steve and squeezes, tight, so tight, and Steve sags in his arms.

 “You… Steve… I thought…”  Danny slides a hand over Steve’s face, back through his hair.  “Fucking god, Steve, I thought you were taken, or dead, I thought Wo Fat’s long lost nephew got to you, or Chinese spies, or some other crazy asshole, I thought…”

 “I’m sorry, Danny, I’m sorry,” Steve chokes out.  “I didn’t mean...”

 “I was so fucking scared.”  Danny clings to him, and Steve clings back.

 “I’m sorry.”  Steve feels like he’s going to disintegrate.  All that’s left between him and completely falling apart is Danny, who’s now got him tight around the waist and is leading him over to the sofa.

 “Are you really okay?”  Danny loosens his hold as they fall into a tangle on the sofa.  His blue eyes search Steve’s face.  “Babe. Can you tell me what happened?”

 Steve folds over, hands pressing into his thighs, and shakes his head.  “I don’t know.”

 Danny bounces up and paces for a minute, but then catches Steve’s eye and comes back to him, sitting on the coffee table, knees pressed against Steve’s.

 “This isn’t okay,” Danny says, voice oddly calm.  “This isn’t okay.”

 “I know, Danny, I won’t let it happen again, I-“

 “No, Steve, don’t you see?  That doesn’t matter, it’s not okay, not under any definition of okay.”

 Steve’s not sure what Danny is getting at, but there’s a panicky feeling in his chest that is threatening to burst right through him.  

 “Danny, you’re just upset, I’m fine, today was weird but I’m fine, really-”

 “You’re not fine, that’s the problem.”

 Steve feels shame creep up his skin.

 “Running a marathon wearing my gardening sneakers and no socks or shirt is not fine.  Losing time for hours is not fine.  Forgetting to go to work, or let me know where you are-”  Danny’s voice cracks.  “That is <i>not</i> fine.”

 Steve doesn’t blame Danny. Steve’s always been too much for anyone to want to deal with.  And now he’s even more broken then before.

 “Steve,” Danny speaks softly, a hand on Steve’s knee, but Steve can’t look at him.  “I can’t take care of you, not well enough.  I can barely take care of myself most days.”

 Steve knows what’s coming, and he shifts, trying to move away from Danny.

 “We’ve been self-medicating with sex and beer, and it’s not enough.”

 <i>Not enough.</i> Steve’s never been enough.  He had thought, with Danny, that it might be different.  But that’s too much to put on one person’s shoulders, especially someone with problems of their own.

 “I know, Danny, I understand. You don’t have to do it anymore. I get it.”

 “What?”

 “You can go.  I’ll be okay, don’t worry.”

 Danny shoves himself closer into Steve’s space and grabs him by both shoulders.  “Steve, what in the hell are you talking about?”

 Steve can’t meet Danny’s eyes, not right now.  He can’t bear the disappointment.  “It’s all right, just go back to work, back to your life.”

 Danny huffs and pulls Steve against his chest.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m not going anywhere.  You’re in no shape to be alone.  Besides, I’ve been looking for you all day, why would I leave now?”

 Steve presses his face into Danny’s neck.  His eyes are wet, spilling over, and he can’t get enough air.

 “It’s okay, babe.  I’ve got you.  Breathe.  We’re gonna get through this.  We’ll figure it out,” Danny soothes him, rubbing his back over and over.

 “You don’t want to break up?” Steve asks, throat tight and stinging.

 “No, of course I don’t,” Danny says. “Why would you think that?”

 “You said-” Steve sniffs.  “You said this isn’t working.”

 Danny pulls back.  There’s a blotch on his dress shirt from Steve’s tears. “I meant you need to see a doctor. A professional, someone to actually help with this.  I do too. That’s all.  Not that <i>we</i> weren’t working. Just our, um, amateur coping strategies.”

 “Really?”

 “Really.”  Danny sighs and reaches around on the coffee table for the tissue box, handing it to Steve.  “I know you don’t want to see anyone, and god knows I don’t, but I think you should really consider it.”

 “No-”

 Danny glares at him.

 “No, I mean I don’t, but I will. I will, Danny.”

 “Okay.”  Danny stands up, the creaking in his knee almost audible, and holds out his hand to Steve.  “Come here, I need a hug.”

 Steve practically leaps into Danny’s arms and holds him tight, sniffing and laughing against his hair.  “I don’t fucking know what I’d do without you, Danno.”

 “Same, babe.  Same.”

[mtvswatches]

Jane the Virgin 2x19 Chapter Forty-One

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) Rose, Mutter and the crime ring were brought up in the “previously on” so this episode will bring them back, right?

2) And I guess Jane’s money-saving skills will be the focus of this episode, for some reason?

3) I thought he was being followed by criminals, not journalists…

4) “They mention the Marbella four times. I mean, you have a few murders in your hotel…” To be honest, they should just turn the Marbella into a murder hotel at this point and attract the true-crime aficionados.

5) “Is anybody shipping these two?” A WORLD OF NO.

6) So… Rafael claims he wants to be present in Mateo’s life and then when it’s his turn to take care of the kid, he leaves him with the babysitter because he has work to do. Rafael is an asshole.

7) Xiomara is going to audition for a role in Rogelio’s telenovela and I guess this is going to blow up in her face…

Of course, leave it to Rafael to have sex on top of a huge-ass picture of himself.

8) You know, Rafael, if you’re feeling guilted all the time maybe it’s because you are guilty. And now he wants to make a custody arrangement to make himself better. He will get his days with Mateo, but will he actually spend them with Mateo? I don’t think so…

9) Michael got fired. To help out, Jane asks for more shifts at work, and she now has to train Anezka. This will be fun.

10) Rogelio gives the role to Xiomara on the spot, and his generosity probably prevented him from foreshadowing the potential conflicts having Xiomara at his workplace when he’s having an affair with his producer could create.

11) Me when I learned that the lock-down in my country would be extended for two more weeks and that I would have to continue teaching all my classes remotely…

12) Now, this is exactly why I have issues with Jane’s characterization…

JANE: And then I pitched myself as a grad student and a T.A. and I said I’d do it for a thousand and she said yes. (…) Who knew there was this crazy business? Helping people with their college essays?

You’re either a good and decent person, or you’re morally corrupt and you own up to it. But Jane wants to have her cake and eat it, too. I feel this is the kind of thing she would probably frown upon if someone else was doing it. Yet, if she chooses to do it, it’s the best plan ever! Of course, you can be a good person and do the wrong thing, but you should have some qualms about it, which she doesn’t? And this is not the first time I’ve brought up this issue with Jane… Now, at this point, this is clearly one of her traits, but the show keeps painting her as the Good character, the Morally Correct character. And she isn’t?

13) Xiomara already knows Rogelio is sleeping with his writer because he did the “sex sniff.” To her credit, she’s trying to deal with it. She’s clearly upset, but she’s trying to “absorb” this new information. Hopefully, they will continue to be the poster children for mature relationships. Or it will turn into a horrible drama.

14) Btw, I’m really not into the “silent movie” style they’re using in this episode.

15) Jane and Rafael go to their mediation meeting with a conciliatory attitude, but that soon crumbles once they start discussing the specific details of a custody arrangement. They try to think of every point as “hypothetical”, but the reality is that all the hypotheticals will soon be a reality, and Jane and Rafael have very different opinions on how to raise Mateo and what their rights should be. I think this is going to end up badly.

16) Petra and Jane briefly discuss the issue of their children’s trusts, and while Rafael agreed for Jane to manage Mateo’s, when it came to Petra…

17) WHAT EVEN IS THIS SHOW! I NEED TO SEE IT!

18) Xiomara truly sucks at acting, and to Rogelio’s credit, he’s trying to be supportive and help her out. But he’s being too understanding, claiming they will fix all her mistakes in post-production, which will be impossible considering how terrible she was.

19) This will be a treat, I’m sure.

Jane is surprised to learn that she’s expected to write the essay for him, and how gullible and naïve should a person be to believe she was going to be paid a thousand dollars for coaching someone…?

20) Michael’s interview didn’t go well, and he decided to ask Rogelio for P.R. advice on how to handle the whole newspaper article thing, and Rogelio suggests the best approach is to wait till it blows over. I honestly thought he was going to ask Rogelio for a job?

21) OH MY GOD, THE CGI!

22) Petra confronts Rafael about the terms of the twins’ trust and he explains why her terms are different than Jane’s…

23) Jane gives the “coaching” job another chance, and I really hope she gets this douchey kid to write his own essay, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

24) Rogelio had to fire Xiomara, and she completely understands why. She even brings up the fact that it might be easier for her not to be around Rogelio and his writer, and she tells him that she thinks he really likes her. And yes, they haven’t disappointed me, they were absolutely grown-up about it. Xiomara even helped Rogelio realize his feelings for his writer (I keep calling her “writer” because I can’t remember her name, sorry…)

25) Anezka got a tip, for good service! She’s graduated! And now she’s marrying the salt shakers. Literally.

26) So… Jane didn’t get the white CIS douchebag to write his own essay, she wrote one for him about music – his passion – which I guess is supposed to make what she’s doing okay? Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. But I guess that after being confronted by the boy’s mother it will give her some perspective on how to make decisions for her own kid…

27) Yep.

JANE: I don’t want to be the kind of mom who gest in her kid’s way.

So, Rafael and Jane finally reach a compromise by trying to understand what’s important for each other and making concessions, so cool for them.

28) Rogelio tried to have the “where is this relationship going?” with his writer, and he got shut down quickly, she called the relationship casual, and I guess now we’ll get a lot of Rogelio pining over her, right?

29) Oh, Petra…

PETRA: We have a complicated history, which mostly involves me being horrible and Jane being a perfect human being and sometimes… sometimes, it gets to be too much.

Repeat after me: JANE 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 PERFECT 👏

Ugh, I hate that every character perceives her as such when she’s clearly far from it! In fact, sometimes she’s kind of the worst?

Petra at least owns up to her faults and is trying to redeem herself.

30) Anezka agrees with me, but I think she’s going to hatch up a plan to make Jane look imperfect…

31) What does this mean for Jane’s career?

32) Jane talked to Michael about not wanting to work her ass off during the time she is given to spend with Mateo, and yet again, Michael proved he’s a mature, level-headed partner. He told her she should’ve expressed these concerns to him, and that he doesn’t want her to have all the pressure on her shoulders. He got a job working for Rogelio as his chief of security.

33) Damn, Anezka is Petra’s sister, isn’t she?

I just hope Petra doesn’t get blamed for it…

34) YES, PETRA!!! YOU TELL HIM!!

RAFAEL: You have changed. I know that. It’s just a process. PETRA: Yeah, yeah, it is. And frankly, I think I’ve made more improvements than you. RAFAEL: Wait, what? PETRA: When you’re up against it, you still lie, instead of just coming clean, facing the consequences. I hope you change that soon.

35) No, Rafael, this is not what Petra meant, you stupid bimbo!

This is going to come back and bite him in the ass, I just know it.

36) Well…

This is either a misdirection, which is this show’s favorite plot device, or my prediction came true very quickly. Still, I’m zero invested in this storyline.

37) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[always-lurking-over-my-shoulder]

Someday I’m going to disappear without a trace. No one will know what was of me, or who I was. No one ever wonders. That’s okay. No one should wonder. I hope you all forget about me by the time this post arrives. I have to confess something that I have been trying to deal with for the past 5 years. I can’t handle anything so i’ll probably give up this year. Or the next. Or at 2026 (that’s the limit).

I want to die. Just thinking about dying brings me a little bit of relief to the conflicts inside my head. I don’t want to die because something bad happened to me, heck, I have been living the a live most people would just dream of. I am a privileged one. I should appreciate everything my parents and family have done for me. And I want to think i do. I want to think that I appreciate all the things I have. I just won’t show it. It doesn’t come out of me naturally. It sounds forced because it is. I will tell you thanks then don’t speak again. I will get mad at you for no reason. I will get anxious when you ask me about whatever I am doing. I am hostile. I don’t want to talk with the people that gave me so much. I don’t want to talk with my parents unless there’s something I need from them. I am rude. I will treat you like garbage and don’t even know why. The worst thing is that I don’t think I’m being rude. I am just talking to you the way I talk my classmates or friends. Maybe I am fucking awful to them as well, but they don’t complain. Then I know i upset you but won’t apologize because apologies are in vain when you know this situation will repeat itself again. I don’t make effort to change; I just feel bad about it but I won’t refrain myself. Because it makes me feel better, making others cry from anger makes me feel okay with myself. I like it. And you have no idea of how fucking disgusted I am with myself. You don’t know how much I want you to slap me in the face and hit me until I stop moving. Because scum like me deserve it. I deserve it. I want to die because I don’t want to change. I don’t want to put effort. I am kind to strangers yet I will treat my family like garbage. I would be so fucking glad if someone ran over me, or shot me or hit me and left me to die. Because I can’t inflict enough pain to myself to feel the punishment. Because I don’t fear the punishment my mind sets for me. I will do it again. And again. And again. I don’t want that. I dont want to be this thing. Yet I can’t help it. It got here first. I have been always this little shit that cries if she doesn’t get what she wants. The fuck that tricks people into staying because she can change her behavior, but wont. The shit that wants everything to be about herself. I can’t help it. I just appeared later. Afterwards. I try to be caring, yet fail. I am never fast enough to retain myself. I’m never strong enough to apologize. I hate to see people disappointed at me. I hate to see anger and pain. i hate myself so damn much. Yet I can’t bring myself to end this. I don’t want to hurt anyone with my actions. I don’t want my parents to fight over who fault it is. I don’t want my sister to follow my steps. I don’t want to make my little brother cry. I don’t want to put my friends through this. I don’t want to put my pets through this. I don’t want to hurt anyone but myself because i am hideous and I wish I could just die and delete myself from existence. I don’t want to be better. I want to be punished and never wake up again. I want everyone to hate me. I want them to loathe me so much that they will be relieved I finally died.

I don’t want to leave the ones that depend on me down. But I might as well do It.

I’m so damn tired of myself.

I have tried once again to kill what’s disgusting but I just made it worse.

I wish I could just be completely empathic or completely insensible all the time. Not constantly switch between the two of them. I don’t want to feel this guilt. This heaviness, this stupid hole that wants to swallow me. I would let it get what it wants if I knew I won’t drag anyone else with me.

I think I might just stop caring.

I think I might just let myself go completely and end with this for once.

But I can’t.

I hate myself.

I don’t want to spend the rest of existence with this conflict. I can’t bare it. I want it to stop.

I want to die.

I’m so sorry. But I am going to let you all down eventually. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. Maybe in a few years. But it will happen.

In case I don’t come back. I want to thank you all. I’m sorry you had to get involved with me. I’m truly grateful you put your faith in me and tried to help me but. It seems like I can’t be what you hoped me to after all. i can’t keep up with all the lies and pretty words I told you for you to like me. Thank you for being my friend. I wish I could have keep it up a while longer. Make you hate me too. But I wasn’t able to. Sorry it has to hurt like this. I’m sorry.

I love you. And it hurts. A lot. Oh god just the thought of disappointing you makes me want to scream and open up my chest to make it stop. I am so sorry. I am selfish. I can’t bare knowing I’m not the center of your life like you’re are of mine. It hurts so much but I know I can’t ask you to do something similar, It’s just fucked up. So fucked up that I want to die just for even wanting you to do the same for me. Why would you ever do the same for someone like me? You shouldn’t. I don’t want you to go through this. Please just forget about me and move on. Please. I’m sorry.

There are some of you who I wish I could feel more. I don’t. I can’t bring myself to truly care about you. I will greet you, I will choose my words carefully, I will do what you want me to do. But I won’t feel anything for you. I am just being cordial. I wish, believe me, I wish I could force myself to care for what you have to say, but I can’t help but see you as a tool. I like you, and all, but I don’t feel much. I can’t share your enthusiasm. I can’t be sad for you when you’re having a bad day. I couldn’t care less. And I hate how I have favorites. I hate how I can’t just be a decent human being. I say I am. But I am not. I can’t be a decent person if I don’t care about my friends. Do I even have the right to call them friends? I don’t know.

I don’t deserve all the things I have. But I’m selfish enough to don’t want to give them up.

I feel so empty. Then for some seconds I will experience intense emotions. God they just last seconds but they tore me apart. Then they’re gone and I’m empty again, dull, flat, gray.

Everything has to revolve around me doesn’t it?

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be opening my mouth.

But I have to.

I have to pour everything here. So I can do what I need to do.

I don’t know what I am. I just know I like people. I don’t get most sexualities. I just know that I like kindness. Be kind to me, you just won me. I don’t really care about the gender, male, female, non binary, cis, trans. I don’t care. I am not asexual, that’s for sure. It makes me conflicted. I feel like I should be, but I can’t help but want to have sexual intercourse. Yet I cry if I take too much. I just can’t do it. I am uncomfortable all the damn day because I want to do something yet at night I can’t take it. I have to stop. I have to stop and cry. I don’t think I could stand being with someone. I would freak out and make them worry. I can’t help it. I don’t like it, but I can’t help it. I’m sorry I made anyone uncomfortable talking about this. I just want to talk, because I don’t think I will ever have this. I don’t deserve a partner. I don’t want anyone to pity me enough to be with me. I don’t want them to have to deal with my shit. I think I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. And that’s okay, I should be okay with it but I am not. I am not and I want to cry because I shouldn’t be complaining.

It’s okay if I am never going to have a healthy relationship. I will just isolate myself. Until I die. What’s the big deal. I shouldn’t be so upset about it. I know I shouldn’t be in a relationship. I don’t deserve it. My partner don’t deserve to be stuck with someone like me.

I can’t take care of myself how am I expecting to have something else. How could I ever dream when I can’t do things on my own. I want to go away to die. That’s my real goal. I want to go as soon as I want because I don’t want to die here. I don’t know why would I think it was even possible for me to do something else.

I’m sorry.

God I can’t keep helping people when I can’t even help myself. I am so tired yet so scared. It would be on me if something bad happened. It would be on me if I didn’t respond and something horrible happens.

I know I am going to hurt a lot of people. I can’t care anymore.

Bitting is not enough, scratching is not enough, nor it is starving. I want to die. I need to kill myself. I’m sorry.

I’m so tired.

So damn tired.

[transfeminformative]

hiii i am a young cis lesbian starting to date a closeted trans girl who i reallyyy like.... what do i say to people who are telling me i'm not really a lesbian for liking her when she doesn't "look like a girl"? this understandably upsets her a lot and i've been trying to find a way to shut it down quickly so she doesn't feel so insecure

Well, there’s a lot of contextual nuance to this sort of thing. 

Here’s how to approach the situation if the person is a stranger or someone offering unsolicited comments in public:

I think it would be best to discuss with your girlfriend what responses and actions she’s comfortable with in different situations. This way, you can both know how you’re going to try to respond to harassment and both of you have an agreed-upon response. I think that when random people say that stuff like “she doesn't look like a girl” it’s ok to say “well, she IS a girl!” because that’s definitive and doesn’t leave the matter open for discussion. But if you go in the direction of “but she looks like a girl to ME!” then that presents the matter as having multiple interpretations and they might be more convinced to pursue the matter further. Though, again, your girlfriend might have specific ideas of how she would like you to handle it. It’s good to talk it over with her, because ultimately she’s the one being directly targeted and harassment can be traumatic for her. 

People who harass you or your girlfriend because she is transgender generally can’t be convinced of her womanhood or made to change their mind through discussion or argument. Trying to argue with them might be dangerous for you and your girlfriend because there’s no telling when people might escalate their transmisogynistic harassment to outright violence. 

When you’re facing this kind of harassment, depending on the situation it may even be best simply to not address what they’ve said, rather to tell them to be respectful, to shut up, to leave her and you alone; whatever makes sense for the situation. Generally, you’re gonna have to judge what the best safety procedures are in each different situation. Above all, focus on de-escalation of the situation and try and get both of you out of the dangerous situation ASAP. There have been times where I’ve had to leave an event, change my plans, take an alternate route, find a totally unoccupied public restroom, etc. because of harassment, or the risk of harassment. 

Here’s how to approach the situation if the person is a classmate, family, or someone you know: 

When it comes to people you are personally acquainted with disrespecting you and your girlfriend, it’s a hard path to walk. People grow up with a lot of very bad views on trans women ingrained in their minds that they already have assumed as truth any time they see or hear about a trans girl. 

Again, I would advise privately talking with your girlfriend and figuring out what kind of things are ok to say about her when other people ask about her and talk about her. Different people will have different comfort levels, and the reality is if you say the wrong thing to the wrong person you could hurt her feelings. I’m not saying that’s guaranteed or anything, but it’s a type of consideration that, in a way, everyone should make for their partner. 

Your friends, family, and classmates may not have heard of or even met a trans girl before, so you might have to do a lot of explaining. 

I think one of the most fundamental ideas to get across to cis people, is that the only way they can behave towards you and your girlfriend without being deeply hurtful is to consistently refer to her as a girl, use her correct pronouns, and accept that you are a lesbian without interrogating you about it. 

In my opinion this is basically what cis people have to learn first, before they even understand that yes, she is truly a girl, and yes, you are truly a lesbian. They may not even realize that the things that they are saying are deeply hurtful, so that is something they have to learn. 

Additionally, I think it’s good to point out to people that it’s hurtful to your gf to publicly debate her gender, its hurtful to you to publicly debate your sexual orientation, and it’s always, always hurtful to say that someone “doesn’t look like a girl.”

After all, everyone deserves to have their gender respected regardless of what they wear or what they look like. Butch women are still women, trans women are still women, gay men are still men, trans men are still men. Heck, if you wear a spacesuit and absolutely none of your body shape is visible whatsoever, your gender remains the same and your pronouns remain the same. 

Well, that’s my two cents. Sorry it took so long for me to respond.Uh, I guess here at the end I’ll clarify that... this is all just my personal opinion, based on my personal experience as a lesbian trans woman, and if anyone else has something else to add, feel free to do so. 

If anyone wants to respond anonymously, or needs any advice about transfeminine topics, my askbox is open. 

[elisaenglish]

Most Women You Know Are Angry — and That’s All Right

“In this op-ed, writer and journalist Laurie Penny, the author of the new book Bitch Doctrine: Essays for Dissenting Adults, explores female anger — why we hide it, why it's feared, how we can use it to change the world.

Many women you know are angrier than you can possibly imagine. Most are pretty good at hiding it, having been taught to do so since childhood.

One of the questions I am asked most often, when I give talks about my books on gender and politics, is about anger. Young women ask me how I get away with expressing anger with such apparent ease, and they worry about men’s reactions if they do the same. These questions are usually a veiled request for permission. Female anger is taboo, and with good reason — if we ever spoke about it directly, in numbers too big to dismiss, one or two things might have to change.

Young women who come to my events often tell me that they want to be more forthright, but they’re extremely worried about “coming across as too angry”. I usually reply that there are worse things to be. If you stand up for yourself, if you assert your right to self-respect and bodily autonomy, if you raise your voice above a whisper, if you leave the house without a sweet smile slathered across your face, some people will inevitably call you shrill, a scold, a nag, bitter, a bitch. And that's all right. Bitches, in the fragrant words of Tina Fey, get stuff done.

You’ll never guess quite how furious the women around you are, until you ask them. Some of the angriest women I know are also the sweetest, the kindest, the most personable and generous. Inside, they might be seething with rage they have been taught never to express, anger they can barely acknowledge even to themselves. They’d probably be surprised to find out how common that feeling is. They have learned that showing their anger is an invitation to mockery, shame, or shunning, so they displace their anger, try to smother it into silence, because they've learned that nice girls don't get cross. Nice girls don't speak out or stand up for themselves. It’s unladylike. It’s unbecoming. Worst of all, it’s threatening to men. Case in point: period jokes. How many times have you heard people dismiss and belittle a woman who dares to express emotion by telling her she’s probably menstruating? How many times have men in power — including Donald Trump — tried to push back and put down women who criticize them by implying that our opinions are nothing more than a mess of dirty, bloody hormones, none of it rational, none of it real? These jokes are never just jokes. They’re a control strategy.

The patriarchy is so scared of women's anger that eventually we learn to fear it, too. We walk around as if we were bombs about to go off, worried about admitting how livid we really are, even to ourselves. There are real social consequences for coming across as an “angry woman” — especially if you’re not also white, straight, and cisgender. In my work as a political writer and speaker, I've learned that the privileges I was born with mean I can “get away with” being angrier in public than other women I know. As a tiny white lady who passes as cis, I come across as "fiery" or "feisty," but someone else saying the same things might face more damaging stereotyping. “Race,” writes Roxane Gay in The New York Times, “complicates anger.”

If angry women manage to successfully hide their inconvenient feelings, they are praised for being “strong”. So often, “strong woman” is used to mean “a woman who doesn’t complain”. At most, we are allowed to speak about fear, about upset. Society can cope with girls who are “broken” — but girls who burn with fury are a problem, and they need to be controlled. Whenever my friends and I have to deal with harassment, abuse, and threats from people who would rather we not talk about women’s rights, we can expect some sympathy as long as we talk only about how frightened we are. But we’re not just frightened. We’re furious. We’re livid, because what is happening to us is unfair and unjust.

Boys learn to disguise their hurt and vulnerability as anger — girls, all too often, learn the opposite. Unfortunately, denying your anger does not make it disappear. It grows in the dark, away from daylight, into something twisted and unhealthy, eating away at you from inside. When I was a teenager and going through a difficult time, I didn't know what to do with my rage, so I treated it like a stained shirt and turned it inside out, keeping the rancor close to my skin where nobody could see. I directed my frustration inward and took it out on my own body, hurting and starving myself. In the slow, painful years of recovery, I learned that there were better ways of dealing with my anger, and I didn't have to be afraid of it. Part of me was always afraid that if I stopped hurting myself, I would start hurting other people — but anger does not have to lead to violence.

Anger is not the same as hatred, although it's easy to confuse the two, especially in a political climate where hatred of others comes easy and rational rage is met with mockery. Anger is a feeling. Hatred is an action. Hatred is anger applied indiscriminately, anger attached to cruel — rage reworked into an excuse to lash out at another person because of who or what they are. Anger itself is no more or less than the human heart rebelling against injustice, real or imagined, and often it has damn good reason.

It’s all right to feel angry. It’s all right to feel anything, in fact — as a society, we still fail to distinguish between emotions and actions, but it’s what we do, not what we feel, that delineates the difference between right and wrong. What matters is not how angry you feel, but what you do with it. Choosing to control your rage, to use it for good, is better by far than squashing it down or letting it eat you away from inside. Anger can be useful. It can keep you moving and working when you want to give up. It can give you courage when you need it. It can focus your attention on what has to change, in your life, in your community. Anger can be a tool as well as a weapon, and it’s a tool we shouldn't let rust away and never learn to use.

We worry too much about how men and boys will respond to our anger. One of the things I hear most often when I speak about female anger is that angry women are unattractive. This is supposed to end the discussion, because more than anything else, women and girls are supposed to want to be attractive. If we let on that we're cross, boys won't want to date us, especially not if it's them we're cross with. If we show our teeth, nobody will love us. I’m here to tell you that that’s not true. Being honest about my anger has made me surer in myself, and my life is now gloriously full of friends and partners who don’t require me to take up less space. The responsibility of making men feel safe and unthreatened was interfering with my plan of taking down the patriarchy and helping to build a world where the common human experience of being a woman doesn’t have to hurt so much. As far as I'm concerned, boys who want to be with only “cool, chill girls” should try dating in the morgue.

As I’ve grown up, I’ve stayed angry — but my anger has grown up, too. It has boiled down and condensed into something strong and subtle, something that I can control. Writing out my rage is cathartic — and useful, too. I’m lucky that my coping mechanism is also my career. Plenty of women are angry, and why wouldn’t they be? It's bad enough that women and girls are still being attacked and undermined, as individuals and as a group — when our basic rights to health care are stripped away, when we are blamed for the violence that is done to us and shamed for our sexuality, when we have to get up every day and deal with racism and homophobia and class prejudice. It's bad enough that we still have to fight to be treated as full, equal human beings without also being shamed and silenced if the whole situation makes us furious. Yes, we're angry. Why shouldn't we be? Why aren't you?”

Source: Laurie Penny, teenvogue.com (2nd August 2017)