#your life ends 29 frames from now

[tragicallycrispygirl]

i love both goldlewis and pot for being very "im losing im losing im losing oh shit i just won"

or in this case (and a lot of other cases) "oh shit i just won"

[consciouscarrot]

day 29 - squirting [e.munson]

eddie munson x fem!reader

content warnings; squirting, vaginal fingering, p in v, creampie, handcuffs

notes; (as always) mdni, blank blogs get blocked and any/all feedback is much appreciated <3:) also i think i switched tenses a little bit at the end

kinktober/flufftober masterlist

—————

hands locked in handcuffs that were attached to the battered headboard, you were lying in eddies bed, previously neatly arranged pillows a mess behind you, head tilted back with a drawn out moan.

it had started with him reading something in a magazine, he’d spend a few days wondering if he could make you do it, if you were even willing to try. he’d ended up with a few awkward boners at the mere thought, head fogged with images of fluid spilling from your cunt as your body shook beneath him.

you’d noticed that he’d being quieter than usual, asking if he was okay with a furrowed brow. he’d immediately caved and asked you, hands gripped at your hips as he plead with you to let him.

you’d agreed, barely thinking anything of it as you already knew that you definitely couldn’t do it. you’d tried by yourself a couple of years ago after your friends had been talking about it, raving on about how great it felt, urging you to try, saying it would ‘change your life for the better’.

you’d spend nearly an hour trying, only to end up disappointed and overstimulated, and had never bothered to give it another go. you’d told him as much, but he was adamant that he tried, saying that he was sure could do it.

now, your hands wriggled within their constraints, yearning to reach out and touch him, to cling to his body and hair. eddie had already made you cum countless times, thighs now constantly trembling as he held them back with his forearm.

his head tilted as he watched his fingers pump in and out of your soaked cunt rapidly, slick coated fingertips hitting that sweet spot deep inside you repeatedly, making your head swim and back arch off the bed.

you gasped as you fell over the edge again, hands clenching into a fist, chest heaving as you panted through it, whining and moaning when he didn’t bother slowing his movements, fucking you through the overstimulation.

you felt lightheaded with pleasure, trying to say anything to get him to give you a break, heartbeat pounding in your ears, face scrunched up and whimpering.

“c’mon baby, you’re so close, i can feel it. you can do it, sweet thing,”

you shook your head, completely blissed out but still not believing that you’d be able to, eyes pressed tightly shut.

“yes you can, i’m not stopping until you allow it to happen,” eddie barked out a laugh, digits somehow moving even quicker.

your mouth gaped open, constant strings of moans tumbling out. if you’d been any more lucid, you’d have been embarrassed by the loud, wet squelching emanating from your cunt, so loud even with your pathetic whining echoing around eddie’s bedroom.

your eyes shot open, gasping in panic as a strange, new sensation started in your stomach, feeling eerily similar to needing to pee. you writhed about, desperately trying to hold back, tears falling down your face in humiliation as the feeling worsened, and you were certain you were going to ruin his bed.

he shushed you, stroking soothing motions over your thigh, “it’s okay, let it happen, just let go f’me.”

he pushed his palm down on your lower belly, and with one last cry, you finally let go, fluid squirting out around his still moving fingers, covering both him and the bed.

you’d never felt this good in your life, entire body locking up before you shook violently, bed frame creaking from your convulsions. your cunt pulsed and clenched sporadically, head pushing back against the pillows as you screamed out, unable to care about any of his neighbours hearing you, too caught up in the ecstasy.

eddie groaned at the sight of you, unable to hold back and wait for you come down, he flung your legs over his shoulders, pushing his twitching cock straight into you, your cunt still throbbing with the last remnants of your orgasm, poor hole overstimulated and oh so sensitive.

he wasted no time in pounding into you, tugging on your lip with his teeth as you wailed, squirming beneath him the best you could with him pinning you down into the mattress, wrists rubbed raw from the metal still encasing them.

your feet dangled over his shoulders, onyx curls tickling your sweaty skin, chest heaving as you pathetically tried to push him off, unable to do anything but try and take it, uncontrollable moans and screams barely muffled as he pressed his mouth against yours, lips stretching into a smug grin at your rapture.

you both reached the edge quickly, hips stuttering as his balls drew up before shooting out sticky ropes of pearlescent cum from his tip, painting your quivering walls white.

through his high, he tried to keep you grounded as you gushed around him, body writhing as you blacked out briefly from the sheer amount of pleasure your body had been wracked with in such a short amount of time, salt stained cheeks stretching as you couldn’t help but scream, cloudy liquid spraying out of your cunt again.

you panted, whimpering from empty feeling as he pulled out, eyes glazed over as your head tipped back, going limp in his arms, legs still shaking forcibly.

“fucking hell,” eddie exhaled slowly, before reaching up to finally unlock the handcuffs, rubbing gently at your sore wrists and grinning down at the empty headed look on your face, completely speechless and about thirty seconds away from passing out again.

“i told you you could do it, baby. you know i’m never wrong.”

[goblinplant]

Linear Flux

"As the universe settled, amongst the creations yet unknown, the faintest pulse of life stirred in the cosmos: one called Time."

Since the beginning of time, time entities have structured the rules of the universe, events, eras, rises and falls of empires, all at the delicate hand of those who can weave it. Yet, there will always be oddities, miscalculations and curveballs thrown at even the simplest of plans. Heroes where none should be had, humanity where tyranny should prevail, despair in times of hope.

You are such an oddity, you brought the risk of humanity evolving leaps before its time, risked bringing peace in the eras of destruction, a voice of reason in the time of fools. You, simply being, risked the structure of time.

Linear Flux is an IF (interactive fiction) where you, the reader, find yourself taken by a time bureau as to prevent your actions from having brought a catastrophic change to your time. It is rated 18+ for violence, time relevant bigotry, sexual themes.

You were a valuable asset, one too valuable to fully rid themselves off, and have now (with little say on your end) been brought in as a part of the Vanguard group, a group of individuals from different eras of time, all brought together to prevent time from imploding on itself, and for humanity to take its course.

This is a work of fiction and will therefor take grand leaps in its historical accuracy, so take everything with a grain of salt (but do let me know if I have in anyway misrepresented, misread or gotten something wrong when any historical thing is mentioned!) It is loosely based on our Earth and I've taken some major liberties with city names and made up events, character and places. Linear Flux is a romance based 18+ IF story due to its heavy themes, violence and sexual themes (optional when it comes to romance!) There will be a list of trigger warnings I heavily suggest you read before delving into this story, and they will all be referenced before each chapter (or possibly before the prologue.)

In Linear Flux you can play as the following: ✵Non-binary, male, female, trans, cis. ✵Gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual. ✵Choose your origins: be the violent but bold warrior, the idealistic but kind poet, the clever but pragmatic inventor or the cruel but charming assassin.

Meet a varied cast of possible RO's (romance options)

-Scott/Sonya Leyton 32 [M/F] The Saboteur Possible Poly with H

S is a Southern gentlefolk, with a heavy accent fitting their robust frame well. Once out of their shell, their usual quietness is replaced with a open heart and kindness, their mama didn't raise no fool after all! But will their sorrow for leaving their family behind eventually catch up? And when it does, will you be there to help them stay in the saddle? S is from 1875, from the Wild West American frontier, where they were part of a gang. •As Scott, he is 6'3, Caucasian with sun kissed freckled skin, his hair is an unruly short crop in a copper colour, and his eyes are a deep welcoming blue, he is stocky and fairly hairy. Hidden behind his usually covered chest there are two distinct scars, a bullet wound under his left pectoral and a large gash across his upper chest. •As Sonya, she is 5'9, Caucasian with sun kissed freckled skin, her hair is shoulder length and a messy copper colour, eyes a deep blue, she is curvy but athletic and has natural body hair. Hidden behind her usually covered chest there are two distinct scars, a bullet wound under her left breast and a large gash across her upper chest.

-Hakiem Nujum 29 [M] The Liberator Asexual/Possible Poly with S

Hakiem is a gentle soul, with a soft demeanour and fondness for freedom and baking, along with him comes the smell of freshly baked bread, thyme and a hint of Kyphi. He holds the essence of family tightly to his chest and is more than eager to let you become a part of it, but is he willing to let go of his past to fully embrace you?

Hakiem is from 237 BCE and from Egypt, where he worked as a scribe. •He has dark golden skin, being from a Persian-Egyptian lineage, his eyes are a golden amber and his hair a curly shoulder length dark brown which he has styled into a more modern haircut. He is 5'8 and has a lean and rather thin swimmers build, his skin is usually decorated with golden jewellery, such as his nose stud and lower lip stud, his body lightly dusted with hair.

-Elton/Edna Hawksford 41 [M/F] The Hound

E is unapproachable, a wall built high on the base of nobility, their heavy British accent harsh and cutting, leaving little room for building relationships. Though seen as the leader, their iron fist is softened by their apparent love for the team, and once you've earned your place in their eyes, maybe you will be able to get a glimpse behind that British façade, and see a more honest and broken veteran. But will their flaws be too much for you to handle, or will you show them that even those with a past are worthy of redemption?

E is Scottish but lived most of their life in England during 1765. •As Elton, he is 5'7, Caucasian, with a rosy pale complexion. Originally from Scotland he has trained away his accent from years playing the game of nobility. His hair is greying, hair wavy and in a slicked back style, though still peaking is his natural mousey brown. His eyes are a dull grey, cold and calculating. His body is one of a veteran, scarred and muscular, with a layer of fat over it, he is broad and holds himself like one much taller. On his back is a plethora of scars, with hints of past scraps and years of service to a 'greater good'. He is very hairy all over, except his back. •As Edna, she is 5'6, Caucasian, with a rosy pale complexion. Originally from Scotland she has trained away her accent from years of playing the game of nobility. Her hair is greying, a wavy style that's slicked back and reaching her shoulders, her natural brown hair still hinting through. Her eyes are an icy grey, cold and calculating. Her body is one of a veteran, scarred and muscular, with a layer of fat over it, she is broad but slightly curvy and she holds herself with elegance. On her back is a plethora of scars, hints of past battles and hidden trauma from living up to the eyes of nobility. She maintains a pristine body grooming ritual and only has a faint dusting of hair on her underarms.

-Mateo/Matt 30 [M/F] The Defiant Possible Poly with Sigurd

M is analytical, and the very definition of stoic, very literal and to the point about most things, lacking social cues. They are an older model of a fashion android, now attempting to live a life for the first time in their existence. Now having a chosen name, identity and a choice to become more than what they once were. But living a life when one was never an option can break the strongest of humans, so what will it do to someone who isn't one?

M is from 2128 in a futuristic version of a collective union in Europe. •As Mateo, he is 6'4, he has deep dark umber skin with hints of bluish hues by his joints, his eyes are an electrical blue and inhuman, his hair long and white, completely straight, reaching down to his waist, if not lower, and he is ethereal in an eerie way. His body is tall and sleek, with a wider chest and almost sculpted look to him, as if a marble statue. •As Matt, she is 6'0, she has deep dark umber skin with hints of bluish hues by her joints, her eyes are an electrical blue and appear inhuman, her hair short and white, a choppy straight cut, the longest parts reaching her cheeks, and she harbours an ethereal essence. She is tall and sleek, with a very pronounced chest and an hourglass figure, soft and curved, as if a marble statuette.

-The Boss 200,000 [M/F/NB] The Boss Possible Poly with Sigurd

The Boss is a mystery in and of themselves, who they are, their origins and their purpose. Being one of the time entities, they are closer to man than any of their kind, holding it close to their proverbial heart, perhaps with a hint of something other than order dictates. When it all falls on their shoulders, will you be able to keep them steady?

As a time entity their appearance will not vary much, the only difference between them being slight alterations in body type, The Boss will always be 6'2 regardless of chosen gender. •As a man, The Boss has a chiselled body, mostly covered up by a business casual outfit, consisting of a synthetic wool turtleneck, an embroidered vest, blazer and wide-legged pants and a pair of worn leather gloves. His hair is made from a mixture of natural fibres and cables, forming long dreads that reach down to his lower back, usually held up by a rebar piece in a low bun. His skin is a dusty concrete colour, fading into a darker tone on his limbs, his smile is rare and fanged. •As a woman, The Boss has a chiselled body what is slightly curvy, mostly covered up by a business casual outfit, consisting of a synthetic wool turtleneck, an embroidered vest, blazer and wide-legged pants and a pair of worn leather gloves. Her hair is made from a mixture of natural fibres and cables, forming long dreads that reach down to her lower back, usually held up by a rebar piece in a low bun, but occasionally braided instead. Her skin is a dusty concrete colour, fading into a darker tone on her limbs, her smile is rare and fanged. •As non-binary, The Boss has a chiselled body that is without curve, mostly covered up by a business casual outfit, consisting of a synthetic wool turtleneck, an embroidered vest, blazer and wide-legged pants and a pair of worn leather gloves. Their hair is made from a mixture of natural fibres and cables, forming long dreads that reach down to their lower back, usually left in a loose hair do. Their skin is a dusty concrete colour, fading into a darker tone on their limbs, their smile is rare and fanged.

-Sigurd Gunnírsson/Sednadottír 27 [M/F] The Lover Possible Poly route with M or The Boss.

Sigurd is a lover, through and through, and is defined by their lust for life. They are quick to love and even quicker to befriend, eager to take in all that time and life has to offer them. But is the bubbly and hopeful view of life an act? And who will wind up loving them, when even they can't seem to muster up enough love for themself?

Sigurd is Icelandic/Irish and is from 862 CE Ireland. •As Gunnírsson, he is 5'10, Caucasian with Rosy porcelain skin covered in heavy layers of freckles. He has wavy locks of auburn hair, reaching down to his chest, with braids and beads interwoven out of wood and bone. He sports a thick well kept beard and has piercings in his ears, septum and nipples. He is heavily built with pudge, and his arms have tattoos from travels overseas and from home, the most prominent being the Gebo on his right hand. He is very hairy and takes pride in his appearance. •As Sednadottír, she is 5'7, Caucasian with Rosy porcelain skin covered in heavy layers of freckles. She has wavy locks of auburn hair, shaved on the sides to create a mohawk with braids added and bone beads woven in. She has piercings in both ears, her septum and her nipples. She is heavily built with pudge, giving her a curvy figure, and her arms have tattoos from travels overseas and from home, the most prominent being the Gebo on her right hand. She is hairy and takes pride in her appearance.

| Pinterest | Spotify |

[sheeple]

Miracles don't exist | Bonus: Nott v Potter

Genre(s): Riddle!reader / Slytherin!reader / kinda slowburn / little happy moments Fandom(s): Harry Potter Pairing(s): Theodore Nott x Reader / Harry Potter x Riddle!reader Summary: Being the Dark Lord's daughter and raised under the strict supervision of the Malfoy's is no easy life. Especially if you start crushing on your father's arch-nemesis, Harry Potter. And that while being engaged to one of his follower’s sons. Warning(s): Violence / Theodore's pov A/n: A small blurb to make the wait a little shorter for a new chapter. This happens in between chapter 29 and 30 [Masterlist] [Mini masterlist] [Playlist]

Theodore Nott is known for not losing his temper. Ever. He tries to stay calm, level-headed and, above all, not lose his temper. He knows the reputation his family has and he's not one to prove his peers right with their whispers and accusations.

But right now? Fuck staying calm. Fuck being level-headed. He's going to fuck Harry Potter up and nobody is going to stop him.

He storms through the hallways of Hogwarts, steam coming out of his ears. How dare that damned blood traitor hurt her. Hex his girl. 

As the portrait of Fat Lady comes into view, Theo snatches the nape of a scarlet first-year and drags him towards the painting. "Say the password", hisses Theo as he practically lifts the poor boy from the ground by his robes.

Everyone knows that you don't stand in the way of a raging Slytherin. So, the boy quivers, "Quid Agis", and the portrait swings open.

Dropping the boy, Theo strides into the Gryffindor common room. "POTTER!", he yells out and all the faces in the room snap to him. He spots the bespectacled boy by the fire with his friends, and he makes his way over to him with his fists balled.

Before Harry can inquire why the Slytherin is in their common room, Theo lands the first hit against Harry's face. The boy drops to the ground and Theo jumps on top of him, his fists pounding down. 

Yells and screams can be heard from around them. Hands wrap around Theo's arms but nobody can pull him off. Harry tries to fight back. He actually lands a couple of blows. But nothing compared to the damage Theodore Nott does.

Once he has enough, Theo gets up and looks down at the pathetic lifeform that is supposed to be The Chosen One. His nose is broken — both boys have felt it crack under the Slytherin's fists — and is bleeding profusely. He has a black eye and his lip is split. And that is not counting the bruises forming on his cheekbones, chin, and forehead. His breathing is laboured as he stares up at the ceiling.

"If you look at her, try to speak to her, or even as much as breath in her direction, you filthy Half-Blood, I will do the Dark Lord a favour. Stay the fuck away from my fiancé", Theo hisses as he spits on the ground next to Harry's face.

He looks around the common room, at the shocked faces of the students. At last, his eyes land on Hermione. She looks horrified, eyes wide as she is backed up into the arms of Ron. 

Theo huffs, shaking the blood off his hands as he turns around and marches out of Gryffindor Tower. He needs to calm himself. He doesn't want her to see him like this. He doesn't want to worry her even more.

Having taken the long way back to the infirmary he sees the two cousins asleep. Draco dragged a chair close to the bed and he has his head dropped forwards, his hand a firm hold on hers. 

The dark-haired boy stands at the end of the bed, his hands wrapped around the frame. A hiss leaves his lips as the skin of his knuckles gets ripped open again.

"Teddy?" Her sweet voice is drowsy with sleep and painkillers. 

The boy in question hums and walks closer towards her, placing a kiss on her forehead. "How are you feeling?", he whispers, careful to not wake up the other cousin.

A soft whimper leaves her lips as she tries to sit up. Theo quickly helps her, fluffing up the pillow. She looks at Draco next to her. "He looks tired."

Theo wants to retort that she looks worse for wear, but he bites his tongue. She has been looking exhausted ever since last year. It doesn't help that she has to prove to herself that she isn't like the rest of her family. Everybody keeps repeating about her being a Death Eater and Theo can see that it has taken a toll on her mental health. He wonders how many times she has laid awake — or Merlin forbid, has cried herself to sleep.

Theo pulls the covers up and tucks her in. "Go back to sleep."

Without protest, she snuggles into the pillow and soft puffs of breath indicate that she has fallen asleep.

He walks over to the other side and lays a hand on Draco's shoulder. The white-haired boy shoots up, disorientated where he is. But when he spots his cousin he is reminded of what happened.

"It's okay, I'll stay with her. You go to the dorm."

Draco shakes his head, tears in his eyes. "I don't... I don't want to leave her."

Theo sighs and pulls Draco to his feet. "Don't worry. I took care of Potter. He won't hurt her again... You look like shit, go. I won't say it again, Malfoy."

Draco nods dazed. He gives her one last look before he drags himself out of the infirmary. Theo takes place in the chair. He takes his wand out of his pocket and plays with it in his hands.

His hands hurt as dried blood clings to his skin. But Theodore would do it every time he had to. For her. Everything for her.

Taglist (bold means I couldn’t tag you): @the0doreslover @lqndkxlmqma @st4rrry  @choppedpartymuffinwinner @ledtassoo @literallyobessed @lestat-whore​ @vanishingcherry @harrysnovia @pietrobae @ireallywannasleep127 @yeolsbubbles @fruityfrog505 @fluffybunnyu @theroyalmanatee @shinrjj @hegdus @kermits-bitch @m1kasawps @noah-uhhh-what @mypolicemanharryyy @fals3-g0d @decapitated-coffee @thatgirljas13 @slytherinambitious @raineisms @mastermindmiko @timmytime17 @regsg18 @supernatural-lover @bubybubsters @lafrone @hermionelove @the-sander-fander @akengii @aliciacat20 @unstablereader @burns-in-the-sun @rachelnicolee @damagelove @daintylittlerose

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

The Lincoln Project :: @ProjectLincoln

Kamala Harris delivers her closer at the Elipse, as Park Police estimate a crowd of 75,000 has gathered.

* * * *

KAMALA CLOSES

TCinLA

Oct 29, 2024

To me, Kamala Harris closing speech was the kind of closing argument a prosecutor presents to a jury, lioning out why they should make the decision they will.

Anand Ghiriharadas posted an excellent analysis of her closing speech, which I am posting below.

That was a very strong closing argument from Kamala Harris. Framing the threat of fascism as not an abstraction but a distraction from a focus on your problems. Promising to move us away from the chaos and division of these years and heal families and communities.

She very deftly pitted who he is against who we are and dared people to show that their country is much better than he is.Share

She pulled off the bank shot: saying we have to save a democracy, yes, but save it for a reason, which is to make your life better. It is a complicated maneuver, and she did it well tonight.

She invited men to stand up for the women in their lives.

She talked about the border, but then quickly and rightly pivoted to the fact that we are nation of immigrants, a fact we should celebrate.

Her reclaiming of freedom and patriotism is a coup, the good kind of coup. The crowd’s embrace of patriotism and “U.S.A.!” chants tonight shows how much that message has been transmitted and left an imprint.

There was something raw and personal when she talked about how she just is irked by unfairness. It just doesn’t sit right with her. It felt like a statement of motivation that was much richer than the generic fact of being a middle-class kid. It got somewhere visceral.

We are all so exhausted by fascist threat mitigation that we forget all the awesome stuff we could be doing instead. So her section on building houses also served as a reminder that building in general, creating, dreaming, can again become our focus when he is finally gone from our lives.

She is, on a deeper level, attempting a rebranding of the Democratic Party away from big program creation, dating back to FDR, and reorienting it around quality of life improvement. Don’t talk about the programs you want to create. Talk about the pain points you want to solve.

Many of the best arguments of recent years are weaving together now. Trump’s narrow, hateful vision isn’t who we are. His project is all about him, not your problems. The soul of the nation is good and can be reclaimed. The divisions can end. Let’s build stuff instead of fight.

Most powerfully, she invoked American history from end to end, and vowed that a country founded in defiance of a petty tyrant must refuse to submit to another.

[srbachchan]

DAY 5581

Jalsa, Mumbai                    May 28/29,  2023                 Sun/Mon 9:55 AM

🪔 .. May 29 .. birthday happiness to Ef Prakash Chovhan from Fiji .. love ever from your Ef Family .. 😘

And to Ef Anjana Sridhar .. their Wedding Anniversary on May 29th .. our greetings .. 💕💍

The day passes away and the hope of being in time for the Blog passes away too .. much anticipation took place among the TV for the IPL and finally, I think today will be the play for the Final .. 

No sides .. may the better win .. 

So last day yesterday at the shoot location there is ever the doubt on whether the work done was within the acceptance limits of the Director .. and when in doubt a request to do it again .. that granted, when you go  back to the original you find that the earlier seemed better or perhaps in better condition of an audience acceptance .. 

Originals are originals .. and through and time and test have been accomplished enough to state that the one done originally was the better .. 

Many a times Directors have dictated to their crew silently to record rehearsals as well, as the Artists rehearse a scene before the cameras go on .. and I would tend to agree that the first take or the first attempt at the scene is perhaps always the best .. we are never able to give a copy a better copy ..

the copy a better copy .. ha !

and the original lives in our lives, undeterred and without any disturbance to obviously be quite the best ..

so do not ask which one was my original because I shall not have knowledge of it .. nor any remembrance .. 

strange is it not ... I notice and see a great many that have achievements on their broad shoulders, remember each detail of their ‘journey’ -  ahh .. a word I cannot adhere to , simply because it has become an expression used by all so reverentially that it seems they were out on an expedition - yes, each life is a journey, but can we call it something else .. journey is NOT an original .. just as the oft used expression these days ..’my bad’ when they do some mistake or error .. !!!

Expressions and languages change over time .. and we accept them or learn to accept them .. but the original remains the original still ..

its the brevity of express that has overtaken all our communication .. the faster the sooner the quicker you express and move on is the norm .. 

so the kid talks so fast you can hardly make out what has been expressed .. the broadcasters speed of delivery is to inform all in limited time frame and move to the next .. 

guy does brilliant on the pitch and is called for a personal reaction and it is an exercise of a prerecorded humanoid .. !!! they deliver in speed and have relevance of thought and word .. uffff .. how do they do it .. I try but fail .. after a few seconds the cerebrum wants to stop and does .. 

aaaahhh ...  the vagaries of age and time ..

.. and it ends in the love of the well wishers .. and the apprehension whether they shall be there or not is ever present .. 

the gate opens and the love pours out and the heart and mind are set at rest .. yes they are there and they do show their love ..

and back to the grind of life .. 

.. to rush now for work .. on something that is not a new project but a new thought .. soon to be out ..

My love 

Amitabh Bachchan

[mercurytrinemoon]

How do you rectify a chart? I can’t figure out if I’m Leo, Capricorn or Virgo ascendant

It's kind of a complex thing to do and a lot of explanation so I'll try to give some of the most crucial tips:

First important thing in rectification is to use a wole sign house system. If you're a Leo rising at 29 degrees, it doesn't matter. The whole Leo is your 1st house and so on

Also REALLY think of what makes the most sense to you. So you say Leo or Virgo or Capricorn. Now I'm assuming you have approximate time frame for Leo/Virgo cause they're next to each other but where does the Cap possibility come from? Is it an am/pm debate or what?

Look at each possible rising sign through whole sign houses and try to REALLY be objective when it comes to your planetary positions and what planets rule what houses. Look at the ascendant ruler. Where would each ascendant ruler fall? WHAT planet is your ascendant ruler? Being Saturn-ruled will be SO much different than being Sun or Mercury-ruled.

Ask people around how they view you. Think of what you value the most about everything. Think of what approach in life you have.

That will be your basis but the real rectification starts with looking at transits and progressions:

Prepare a list of dates of important events in your life, it can be anything that stands out in your memory (injuries, heartbreak, starting/ending a relationship, getting a job, moving, travelling, starting a hobby, weird coincidences etc).Use profections to see what planet was active during a given year to see what planet will be the most prominent during that year.

Look back at transits regarding those events. If you have 3 options with your rising sign, you need to mix and match and see what makes sense in terms of planets transiting your houses/planets.

For example: in 2017 I went through a 3rd house profection year ruled by Mars. So Mars was my time lord. Almost immediately after birthday I started getting ill and having various acute health problems pretty much throughout the entire year. So I could already tell the energy for that year was very martian: inflammatory and sudden and just malefic in general.

Another example: my sister is a Pisces rising and during one of her 1st house profection years she got married. Her 1st house profection would of course be ruled by a benefic Jupiter, which can indicate a good year, especially for someone with a day chart (Sun above the asc-dsc axis). That year transiting Jupiter entered Cancer - her 5th house where she has her natal Moon. That year during the transit she also happily got pregnant. So she got a double blessing from Jupiter cause it was her time lord and it also coincided with a good transit to her chart.

Look at planetary cycles. For example, Venus is retrograding every 8 years in the same sign. Last summer it was rx in Leo. How did that affect you?

Think of your Saturn transits. What heppened when Saturn was in Leo vs Virgo vs Capricorn? When Saturn transits the 1st house, we often take solid care of our health and bodies, start work out routines, often times because health issues pop up etc. Sometimes Saturn through the 12th can bring health issues (usually chronic or ones that are hard to diagnose) as well tho so keep that in mind.

You need to really sit down and do a bunch of notes and draw conclusions.

Let's take an example of my exhibit Gemini rising: his ascendant ruler is Mercury. During his 1st house profection year (which already indicates there can be stuff happening to the body), he injured himself. So his time lord for the year was Mercury - this will be a planet that is more sensitive that year. Now looking at his transits, his injury occured when transiting Mars was squaring his Mercury. On top of that, that Mars was also opposing his ascendant, which can also lead to accidents.

Generally also look at the state of your potential ascendant ruler: is it in a good or bad house, is it well or badly aspected and is it exalted/fallen/whatever etc.

Secondary progressions can also be useful. Look at progressed benefics and malefics and if they went over your potential axis. Now it's hard to rectify an exact degree of the ascendant but let's say you have your natal Mars in Cancer and it progressed into Leo at some point: if you're a Leo rising, it would progress into your 1st house and so maybe you started being more accident-prone or started having anger issues or suddenly found interest in sports. Now I don't know the rest of your chart so that's just a hypothetical example.

Generally it's a tedious thing to rectify a chart but you either REALLY sit down for a few days or weeks and do it yourself or you can pay a ton of $$$ for someone else to do it for you. Also once you feel like you did the job, still keep an eye out for transits and how they affect you, just to have a confirmation.

Hope that helps

[dis-easedfairy]

Noxious Pt.6

Chapter 6: The Bonds We’ve Built

Warnings!: 18+ | Swearing/Strong Language | Suggestive/Dirty Jokes | Tae Moves FAST | Jimin Feels |

Pairings: Park Jimin x  Female Reader | Kim Taehyung x Female Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Best Friend!au, College!au, Eventual Poly!au, Eventual Smut

Word Count: 7,921 (roughly 29 minutes of average reading time)

Summary: Jimin, Taehyung and F/n are all childhood friends. Taehyung moved away some years ago and left Jimin to take care of F/n. F/n falls for Jimin as they get older and gives up everything to fit into his life, until one night Jimin gets drunk and tells her what he really thinks of her.

A/N: SOoooo I got a new computer and my laptop is a little janky so I haven't been able to transfer everything (impulsive decision, holiday specials and other works) including my taglists so sorry about that. Sorry for the wait. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy. 

Wanna catch up or read more?

Previous Chapter  -  Series Masterlist - Main Masterlist

Once I climbed onto the fluffy comforter Taehyung leaned forward, wrapped his arms around my frame, and pulled us both back into the pillows. I could see the city lights through the large-ish windows and it with Taehyung's heartbeat was all I could manage to focus on despite the large TV playing a movie. It was just serving as white noise at this point. The lights in the hotel room were shut off to set the nighttime ambiance.

He wouldn't tell me how much the hotel cost when we arrived. I knew it was one of the fancier ones in Seoul. No matter how many times I tried to apologize for Hoseok making him come, he would shut me down.

He did end up reassuring me about Yeontan. He left him with his mom for the night. I had no doubt in my mind that Mrs. Kim would spoil Yeontan.

I was so worried about boundaries that I was hesitant to show any affection to Taehyung, but as I laid in his arms, his chin resting on my head as the side of my face was pressed to his chest it was clear that it wasn't an issue.

"You seem less aggressive than Hoseok warned me you'd be." His voice was just above a whisper.

"Aggressive?" I tried to replay my actions in my head from the past few weeks.

"He said you and Jimin argued a lot recently. He warned me about picking a fight with Jimin or you. He just wanted us all to meet but didn't want it to blow up." Taehyung explained.

And it blew up anyway, "Poor Hobi." I sighed.

Taehyung let out a sigh of his own. He then reached over and grabbed the remote, pausing the movie and shifting so he could look a little more at my face.

"...Can I ask what happened with you and Jimin? I know it might be too soon to butt into your life and be this touchy, but it's been bothering me all night. What's happening?"

"Jimin and I are just disagreeing on our friendship." I tried to dance the question, but he seemed to be the better dancer.

"What is there to disagree about? I know you're hiding something from me."

I let out a groan, kicking my feet in frustration, "Tae!" I whined.

It all seemed stupid now. Not only that but the way Taehyung's eyes would darken when something affected me negatively made me think Taehyung would confront him. The last thing I wanted to have then was confrontation.

Taehyung let out a giggle and began to hold onto me tighter, "I'm hurt, I thought I was your dragon?" He began to tease.

I tried to squirm out of his grip, a decision that caused him to sit up and push me into the bed by my shoulders. I reflexively put my hands on his chest, ready to push him off, but stopped when I realized he was now straddling me. As he hovered above me, the world froze.

The dim lights from the city lights danced along his face while the light from the TV highlighted his form. His hands warmed my shoulders and sent tingles down my back and up my neck. His eyes widened like I bet mine were. Both surprised that we found ourselves in this position. I could feel his hammering heart under my palms, a sensation I don't think my own heart was ready for.

I was unsure if it was me making him nervous, or if it was from his efforts of getting me to sit still. To test the waters my hands began to slide down from his chest. I could feel him hold his breath, his eyes still locked with mine. His eyes weren't frozen in surprise though, they began to waver like he was searching for something in my gaze.

My hands slid down to his stomach. No abs, just soft warmth that somehow made my fondness grow. Taehyung's hands moved from my shoulders to brace himself, his hands now on the bed beside each side of my head. He began to slowly lower himself, it was slow enough that made me feel at ease like I had all the time in the world to move if I wanted to. Once his forehead rested on mine, he closed his eyes as I moved my hands up and to the side of his ribcage then glided to his back.

"I just want to protect you." His voice was soft and full of sincerity.

"...You don't have to. You don't need to, Tae." I assured, beginning to rub his back.

Taehyung shook his head, "I'm the dragon. I protect the princess."

“Ew, cringe.” I giggled, not missing the soft puff of amusement from him in return.

I tried to fight back the warmth that began to blossom in my cheeks as I tried to make myself think clearly. Just like at dinner, the warm fog began to roll in. It made the world seem sugary sweet. It made everything seem light and like everything was going to be good forever.

A feeling that I was starting to fear. A feeling that was too foreign for me to understand.

As my own eyes fluttered closed a question needed to be asked, "Tae...? Is this okay?" My words managed to break through as the fog began to consume my thoughts.

"What's okay? You being here with me? You under me? Or are you asking if it's okay to tell me?" I could feel his forehead lift off of mine, I almost wanted to chase the heat his forehead gave.

"All of it." I could feel his weight shift on top of me and my hands slid off of him onto the bed beside me, I could feel the bed lift around my head.

"Does it feel right?" I didn't know.

Did it feel right? Why did it feel amazing yet feel like impending doom? Why did I want to get lost in it, yet have a map to guide me back and make sure I was at least going in the right direction?

I could feel his hand find mine and intertwine our fingers, I refused to open my eyes. I feared that if I opened my eyes I would fall for the sight I would see. The man in front of me.

Once it took too long for me to respond, Taehyung let out a sigh, "Just tell me what's wrong. I can fix it. I can help."

"It's not something you can really fix. It's just a petty argument that will go away in a few hours."

"Tell me anyway, just in case it doesn't." I could feel fingers lightly caress my cheek, begging me to give in to the temptation.

Telling him wouldn't hurt. Would it?

"I fell in love with Jimin." The words rushed out of my mouth before I could second-guess them.

Taehyung's body stiffened, I was afraid I may have done something wrong but decided to tell anyway, "I didn't really confess properly... One night he just... He got so drunk and called me to pick him up. When I did he basically told me he didn't love me but kept leading me on anyway." I had no idea why I was sugar-coating it.

Maybe it was because I could feel Taehyung tremble above me or maybe it was because I didn't want him to fight Jimin.

I felt his warm hands cup my face, making my resolve quake, "This doesn't sound like an argument that will go away in a few hours." He murmured.

I wanted to snap at him that I was aware of that, but as my eyes opened and I was met with a heavenly sight, the words died in my throat.

His eyes were hooded, looking at me with a soft yet predatory gaze that made me feel like I was now getting too much attention.

"We're working on it." I endured.

Taehyung began to lean forward again. This time our eyes locked. He placed one hand beside my head as the other stayed on my cheek. Once his eyes flicked down to my lips, I knew my fate was sealed.

I could feel the flood of adoration rush into my blood. The feeling from the restaurant came flooding back. The one that lost reason, the one that didn't know boundaries.

I didn't know if Taehyung was feeling the same, but one thing that made the feeling intensify was how Taehyung froze mere inches away from his face. His eyes wavered, then quickly averted my gaze, his lips pressing together to avoid smiling.

"...Do you know why I gave you the nickname Yakgwa?" He asked, seeming like he was changing the subject.

I tried not to show my disappointment as I responded, "Uh, was it because the lady at the stand gave me free ones because I shared them with you and Jimin?"

Taehyung shook his head, he looked back over to me, his eyes weren't meeting mine, they were purely on my lips as he spoke, "A few weeks after that. We were in the park close to my house. You wanted to be pretty. So I put flowers in your hair, my mom dressed you up in a princess dress, you insisted on a tea party, and you made me dress up too. Jimin usually would be the one to dress up with you but he was at his brother's game at the beach. After cookies and tea, you dragged me up to the tallest part of the park swing set and told me to pretend we were getting married."

Oh god no.

"Yah! You don't need to finish!" I quickly stated, feeling the burning embarrassment as I moved my hands to cover my face.

Taehyung began to move my hands away and continued his story, "My mom ran as fast as she could to get my dad and the camera from the car. I thought you were going to do the same thing you did with Jimin. You would get a kiss on the cheek and then hug him. But you didn't want that with me. You pulled me in and kissed me. On the lips."

My face was blazing hot as I only shook my head at his retelling of events. I refused to believe I stole his first kiss. All for a mock wedding because Jimin wasn't there to give me one.

"I don't call you Yakgwa because of some lady at a market. I call you that because when you kissed me, at our fake wedding," Taehyung's lips pulled into a small smile as he began to close the gap between our lips, "your lips tasted exactly like yakgwa."

Unlike when we were children, I let him close the space. His lips molded to mine making searing heat rush to my neck and face. I felt overwhelmingly warm and affectionate, my hands quickly moving to grip his shirt to keep him from moving away. Taehyung moved back slightly so he could fit between my legs instead of straddling them. I was more than willing to open my legs to accommodate him, my lips even parting when his tongue brushed against my bottom lip.

It was a burning blur of events that led to my hands in his hair, he was pressed dangerously against me. He was so close I could feel his racing heartbeat and the heat coming from his flushed skin. His hand traveled from my face down. I never expected him to slowly begin to play with the buttons of my shirt.

I knew this was too fast. It was all emotion and not any rational thought. The sound of a buzzing phone in the distance did nothing to break the focus we had on each other's mouths. With each movement of our tongues or lips, I began to feel more confident. I soon made us roll over so I was now on top of Taehyung, using my newfound leverage to set the pace. I unknowingly gave Taehyung the advantage of being able to slide his hands up the back of my shirt. His hot palms caused shivers to dance along my skin.

Once Taehyung bucked his hips up against me it caused an even bigger issue. I swallowed down the groan that arose from him, my core now feeling tingling heat that caused me to rock my hips against him. I pulled away from his lips to attack his neck.

A moan tore from his throat which drove me absolutely insane.

"There, please there," His breathless voice floated to me through the haze once I kissed a certain part of his neck, slightly under the ear, along his jawline.

Taehyung's hands went from my back to my ass to knead the soft flesh and help me keep my pace. Once a moan escaped me, Taehyung flipped us back over. Instead of kissing my neck, he went straight to unbuttoning my shirt.

This was enough time for the haze to slightly lift enough for my rational mind to wrap around the situation. I quickly grabbed Taehyung's hands, making him freeze in place, the fog lifting for him too.

Our panting breaths filled the room as we were both scared to move. Our flushed faces and disheveled looks gave a clear indication that we lost control.

Before he could speak I wanted to clarify, "I'm sorry! I was trying to keep my head in check but I just--" Taehyung cut me off with an adorable peck to the lips.

"Don't apologize, we both liked it, right?" He cupped my face with one hand again, eyes looking into mine full of hope.

"Yes. I did, but don't you think this is a little too fast?"

Taehyung seemed to deflate, "I haven't actually thought about it..."

"EH!?" Was the only noise that came out, causing Taehyung to press his lips together in an effort not to laugh.

What does he mean he hasn't thought about it?? Was he just going with the flow? Was he just acting on pure emotion or urge??

"I was just excited to see you again if I'm being honest. We had a really nice time last time and I got to meet your friends and see Jimin again. I had a really pleasant night and being here with you just..." He looked up at the ceiling like he was trying to gather his thoughts.

The suspense was killing me. I wasn't sure what I was expecting him to say, my whole body froze in anticipation.

A big smile began to form on his face, he hid his face against my shoulder as he quietly muttered, "You make me so happy."

Taehyung lowered himself so he was laying on top of me, his arms wrapped around me as he nuzzled into my shoulder, as my hands found his hair my body relaxed.

"I'll take it a lot slower," Taehyung promised, "We'll know each other all over again."

He let out a sigh, and all the tension in his body dissipated. It was like he melted over me, I expected him to be heavy but it was somehow a comfortable weight. I never knew a person could be a security blanket.

"You're so warm," Taehyung whispered, I could even hear the smile in his voice.

"You're so safe," I whispered back before turning my head to kiss his temple and the top of his head.

Taehyung let out a hum that vibrated into my bones before he spoke, "Let's sleep. I'll take you to school in the morning. You need to show me around anyway."

It was now becoming a theme that I couldn't say no to this man.

Taehyung was keeping to his word.

I think.

As soon as we woke up he dragged me to a café. He was practically bouncing in his seat as we waited for me to decide.

"How do you have this much energy right now?" I yawned, I was tired and drowsiness hugged me like a heavy blanket.

"Maybe we should've gotten you a couple of espresso shots." Taehyung grinned.

"Or maybe I should've slept more," I grumbled while rubbing my eyes.

It was 6 am. Every bone in my body seemed to pop and creak with resistance. The warm and cozy café filled with smells of coffee and baked goods did little to nothing to wake my senses. If anything it had the opposite effect. Hints of vanilla and lavender wafting under the stronger coffee smell.

"I wanted to have breakfast with you before you went to school. I've been imagining how nice it would be to eat breakfast, drop you off, and come back to have lunch with you." His dreamy telling made it hard to be mad at him.

But not impossible.

I yawned, leaning back in my chair, "Well, we should have you learn my schedule because you are two hours ahead, TaeTae."  

Taehyung flashed me an apologetic smile, "That would be good. I'm on high school hours I guess."

"I do think lunch would be good though. The guys seemed to like you well enough. I think Jeongguk needs another photographer or camera person in his life because Yoongi locks himself in his dorm or the recording studio booths."

"Jeongguk is a photographer?"

"He's more into video, but he's a jack of all trades. I think you'll like him. I used to play games with him at parties Jimin would drag me to, but my grades started to tank. You two would get along." I elaborated, trying to focus my eyes on the menu.

My fuzzy, half-asleep brain refused to multitask. My brain unable to register that I was looking at words. I must've squinted at the words like they were ancient scratching because the menu was taken out of my hands.

"Are you feeling a hot drink or a cold one?" Taehyung questioned, his eyes scanning the menu.

"Cold."

"Are you a strong brew or blonde brew kinda person?"

"Strong brew," I muttered, my eyes wandering to look around the coffee shop.

"Are you like a hazelnut toffee, or like a peppermint mocha?"

"...These are a lot of questions for coffee." Taehyung smiled, not looking up from the menu.

I narrowed my eyes at him in suspicion, "The coffee shop isn't asking this, is it?"

Taehyung placed the menu down and let his eyes wander to the ceiling like he was thinking over his answer.

"I just want to get to know you better." He admitted.

I had no idea why I was so guarded in some aspects but I was willing to fully make out with him. Why I felt like telling him things would only be a nuisance to him and annoying?

How did I expect us to get closer with no communication though?

I sucked it up, noting that I was being unreasonable and unfair.

"Salted Caramel Mocha is usually my go-to if they have it. I'm a sucker for seasonal flavors. I avoid hazelnut because my mom is allergic and I forget it's an option." I informed.

Taehyung's smile grew, "They have salted caramel as syrup and you can add it to a mocha!"

"That sounds fine," I assured.

He then proceeded to do a subtle little dance in his seat that devastated me before raising to go place our order.

I couldn't help but look over every so often at him. Each time I wasn't disappointed, he was undeniably adorable no matter the circumstances it seemed.

I scolded myself mentally, feeling a least a little creepy for staring, so I turned my attention out the window to see the sun turning the sky in various soft tones, watching people pulling up to get their caffeine fixes.

We had come pretty early. So early that the sun was barely rising, and the air was cool and crisp. The cool air outside contrasted the warm air in the coffee shop enough to make fog against the corners of the shop windows. It set a very particular feeling I knew I would only experience in this very specific scenario.

I heard a semi-loud giggle that turned my attention over to the counter that Taehyung was standing at.

It was obvious the barista was flirting with him, but what really caught my attention was the mountain of goodies on the wooden tray provided by the shop. I at first, thought the barista gave him these goodies as a way of flirting, but as I looked on a little longer, Taehyung asked a question I couldn't quite hear. Before he could even get an answer he was reaching over to the display case to get another wrapped goodie. This caused the barista to let out another giggle.

Another barista, a male who seemed unamused, placed the two coffees on the tray, moved his coworker over, and began to ring up the items. He read out the total to which Taehyung gave over his card with a heart-wrenching smile. His card was rung up and given back. The female coworker was lightly pushed towards the back of the counters facing the wall.

Taehyung took the tray and as soon as he turned to face our table his excited smile blossomed butterflies in my stomach. He nearly skipped to the table, putting down the tray and unloading my drink first.

"I didn't know if you wanted breakfast but I thought these looked good!" He began, unloading the different treats off the tray and separating them into sweet ones and savory ones.

"I didn't know if you were more into bread in the morning or light things," He explained as he took his seat and began to shuffle through them himself.

"Uhhh, I've actually never thought about it. I'm either early to class or incredibly late. There is no in-between so I just grab whatever or nothing at all. I never asked what coffee you liked by the way." I prodded.

Taehyung looked over to his drink then back to me with a bit of a sheepish look, "I actually don't like most coffees. They're too bitter."

This man couldn't get any cuter even if he tried.

"So you got a hot chocolate? Or a latte?" I questioned, sitting a bit forward to look at the treats on the table.

"Yeah, I got a raspberry white hot chocolate. They had a caramel chocolate one too but I haven't tried the raspberry one."

"At least you're adventurous. My roommate gets a strawberry latte everywhere she goes. Chooses nothing else but that and dalgona."

"I knew a few people like that. Especially strawberry latte ones." He trailed off.

I picked out one of the sandwiches from the pile and looked for a bread bun. I usually went for more savory things since the coffee was already pretty sweet. Sandwiches were alright but nothing beat the bread buns. Once I found a chicken curry bun I happily snatched it in delight. As I began to open it I caught sight of Taehyung in my peripheral vision. I looked up to see him fully and was greeted by his slight smile. His eyes held warmth in them as the rising sun began to shine rays to dance in his irises.

His eyes were naturally dark in color. Yet when the sun hit them just right they turned into molten dark chocolate. The unevenness of his eyes held so much charm that was only elevated by the adorable beauty mark right under one of his eyes.

"You're doing it again." Taehyung chuckled, obviously flustered.

I ripped my eyes away from him to look down at my bun, "Sorry, you're just really beautiful." I admitted.  

Taehyung let out a flustered groan, "How can you say that so easily?"

I began to flush myself as I shrugged, "Artist brain maybe?" I theorized.

Taehyung shook his head as he was failing to hide a smile, “Well, Artist Brain, I have to take you to campus soon. Eat up.”

Arriving on campus before 8 am was a surreal feeling. Most of my classes started at 9 am or later. However, this gave me the perfect opportunity to visit Jeongguk about jobs since he was probably getting ready to go to his sometime soon.

After shooting him a text I made my way to his dorm room. Once I knocked on the door it swung open theatrically to reveal a semi-surprising sight.

“I don’t hear you counting!” Hoseok’s signature drill-sergeant-like tone drew out to the figure below him as he twirled a black-stick-like object in his hand.

Below Hoseok was sadly Jimin. Doing pushups but his arms were shaking and grunts of effort left his lips leading me to believe this had been going on for a while.

Jeongguk’s bright face, wet hair, and bunny smile greeted me as he held the door open.

“Morning, Noona!” He chirped like the scene behind him wasn't taking place.

“Uh… Am I interrupting somethi– Is that a selfie stick??” As I spotted the object in Hoseok’s hand, a phone now visibly attached it it, Jeongguk shrugged.

“Sometimes I have to use my phone to film. Need those angles.” He replied nonchalantly.

“…Please don't tell me the phone is actually recording…”

“Good Morning, F/n! What brings you here?” Hobi’s sunshine smile beamed so brightly that it gave me whiplash, forgetting the phone completely.

“I was going to ask Jeongguk when he was free to job hunt; Jimin are you okay?” I questioned.

“NO!” Jimin puffed which earned him a light kick from Hoseok.

“I didn’t say to stop counting.” Hoseok nearly barked.

“I’m free around five this afternoon. We could get food and hunt. There is also a new machine in the arcade not too far from here, we could check that out.” Jeongguk proposed.

“She… said ‘job hunt’… not… a date!” Jimin muttered between pants.

“Less talking more counting!”

“Okay, what the fuck is happening!? Jimin please get up I'm so uncomfortable.” I stepped into the room to close the door behind me like I had to hide the scene from passersby.

Jimin let out a groan of relief as he dropped flat on the floor, a sweaty and flushed mess.

“Why is this happening?” I interrogated, crossing my arms in hopes it showed I meant business.

Jeongguk and Hoseok exchanged looks before Hoseok spoke up, “Last night shouldn't have happened so we’re rectifying it.”

“What!? That’s what this is? He apologized!” I defended in disbelief.

“You were upset!” Jeongguk countered.

“At myself, not him!” I groaned.

“…Jimin, why didn’t you say anything?” Hoseok asked like that would be a possibility.

“Now, I’m going to take Jimin to his dorm to clean up and take him to a nice breakfast. I want you BOTH to be in the same state he is in or I’ll tell Seokjin it was you two who ruined his game save files!” I threatened as I moved to peel my childhood crush off the floor.

“You wouldn’t!” Jeongguk gasped.

“He was so mad that his farm in Stardew Valley was just GONE. He loved his fucking ducks, Jeongguk, you monster!” I called out dramatically as Jimin tried to hold himself up, throwing his arm around my shoulders for support.

“We wanted to see the creepy-looking farm map! We made so much progress and misclicked!” Hoseok tried to save their future in vain.

“HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?? HE WAS FARMING DIAMONDS BRO. DIAMONDS. ”

“YOU CAN DO THAT?”

“WE’RE LEAVING!” Jimin groaned nearly yanking me to the door.

“I vow to stop storming out dramatically after arguments.” I sighed as I tried to make myself as comfortable as I could on Jimin’s bed.

“I would appreciate that.” Jimin gave me a playful scoff as he entered the dorm, freshly showered.

I tried not to giggle as he plopped himself next to me with a pout, his hair reminding me faintly of a porcupine.

“I really am sorry. I should’ve let it go as soon as you apologized. It was childish and I won't do it again.” I reiterated in a firm and determined tone that made Jimin let out a breathless giggle.

“It wasn’t childish and you weren't obligated to forgive me. You were angry. Understandably so.” Jimin sighed as he looked down at his hands.

A looming silence filled the air. I could feel it in his tone and the way he was sitting that he had more to say. So I kept quiet, trying not to jump in or rush him as he found his words.

When his words finally came it caught me so off-guard, “I felt jealous.”

I swore he was some kind of mythical creature when he looked up at me finally. The natural light coming from the dorm room window hit the white wall behind us causing his features to illuminate perfectly.

Jimin averted his eyes from me as he began to explain, “I really thought about it last night. On why I acted that way. You and Taehyung seemed to get along so well and I guess I started to compare it to how we are now. I was angry. I couldn’t talk to you like that or touch you like that. I can barely even hug you anymore because it’s so different now and I don't want to push your boundaries. I know it’s my fault it's like this and that it’s my fault we can’t be that way. It was wrong of me to get mad at you if I’m the reason our relationship is so complicated now. I’m sorry. I’ll try to control my emotions.”

I could feel my stomach fill with guilt.

I made out with Taehyung last night.

And now Jimin was pouring his heart out.

And now I wanted Jimin all over again but now Taehyung may have the wrong idea. Did I have the wrong idea? Did I read too much into Taehyung’s attention and throw myself at him? Were my emotions too high and I just fucked up so badly? Did I just make this even messier than it was before?

“What are you thinking about?” Jimin’s voice caused me to nearly jump out of my skin.

I snapped my guilt-filled eyes over to look at Jimin, trying my best to gather my thoughts.

“Why did you feel jealous?” What a stupid fucking question about something he already answered.

To my surprise, he seemed to think over my question.

Jimin’s lips pulled into a frown, “I felt like I was getting replaced. Like someone stole you from me, right in front of me. Like I already lost you. Everyone was warning me at the table to not interfere with what you had with Taehyung… even if it was possible you…” He trailed off his eyes averting once again as he pressed his lips together, his brows creasing.

“Is that what you were talking about when Taehyung and I left the table?”

Jimin nodded, “They noticed I was trying to butt in. They told me to back off. I just couldn’t help it though. What if you actually stopped preferring me and started preferring you spent time with Taehyung? What if you gave up your days just to take a ride to Daegu and left no time for me? What if you transferred schools to be closer to him? What if he hated me too and didn't want you to speak to me anymore? What if you finally realized I wasn't worth your time?”  

The urge to hug Jimin only became stronger as I saw his eyes turn glossy, his eyes shifting to look at his lap and he tried to think more.

“That's why I told you it was stupid and to ignore me for the rest of the night. My complicated feelings shouldn’t stop your own. You watched me have girlfriend after girlfriend. You heard who I hooked up with the next day after it happened. You saw me flirt with others, you saw me kiss others, yet you never pushed yourself in, you never do what I do. I get so mad at myself because every time I act this way I think of that. That I’m being immature. That I’m entitled. That I’m such a stupid fucking hypocrite.”

“Jimin, can I hug you?” I asked softly, trying not to cry like an absolute fool.

Jimin looked up at me in complete surprise, “You want to hug me?”

I only nodded, reaching my hands out was the only confirmation he needed before immediately ducking down to shove his face into my shoulder and wrap his arms around my waist. One of my arms wrapped around his shoulders while the other held his head close to me. He let out a hum that vibrated my collarbone and warmed me from the inside despite his wet hair cooling my fingertips.

“We’re just both big idiots, huh?” I commented softly.

“Yoongi said it's because we share a single brain cell.” Jimin’s voice was muffled against my shoulder.

Before I could defend ourselves from Yoongi’s comment, Jimin unwrapped his arms to place his hands on my stomach and push me back so I was flat against the bed. Once I was flat Jimin used his knees to push open my legs and move to lay on top of me, his face back into my shoulder and his arms beginning to wrap around me once more as he let out a content sign.

“I missed you,” Jimin whispered as he nuzzled his face against the crook of my neck.

I tried to ignore the goosebumps that followed his action and tried to lay out the schedule for the day.

“Don’t get too comfortable, porcupine. I still have to take you to breakfast.” I tried to reach for the discarded towel for this man’s still dripping hair with little success.

Jimin took a deep breath, nuzzling his face into my shoulder with a hum, “Or we can take a nap and have lunch later.”

I let out a huff, accepting my fate of a wet shirt because the stupid towel wasn't in arms reach.

“I have classes in an hour, I can't sleep in.” I frowned.

“…Who gets 9am classes?”

“They were the only ones available on such short notice! It was either 9am or 7am and I don't think I’d function that early.” I whined.

“I’ll miss the breakfasts we had at 10.” Jimin sighed at the loss.

I let out a scoff, “More like your 10am hangover pity party.”

Jimin huffed at the jab, “Well now the pity party will move to lunch.”

“Or you could get up earlier, you know?” Jimin lifted his head to look at me in mock offense at the mere suggestion of something so vile.

“How dare you.” He muttered.

If he had pearls he’d clutch them about now.

I raised my hand to push the hair out of his face, enjoying the bare-faced view on top of me, “Apologies, your majesty, perhaps I could interest you in toast made by the finest lady in front of the university campus to make up for my grievances.”

Jimin’s eyes narrowed but he held no real malice, “I want an extra egg in mine.”

“Pardon, your grace?” I teased.

Jimin’s eye roll was somehow so relieving to see after all that happened last night.

“It would be unbecoming of me to evaluate so severely. I should absolve those I rule over readily for they are my people. I only ask for an additional golden egg to be lain upon said toast to reestablish the trust we have forged.”

I gave out a dramatic gasp, “Such a gracious Prince! To what do I owe to be in such a serendipitous standing to be ruled over by someone as dignified as you, your majesty? Such compassion will not be taken for granted!”

“Okay, you need to shut up now you’re giving me a headache.”

“Do you think she gets a lot of money for running this?” Jimin asked, mouth slightly full as he looked around at the college students crowding the multiple carts and trucks around us.

It was pretty common for street vendors to come to the university parking lot to sell food in the mornings. They tended to stick around until after lunch, they’d leave then go to open up their shops for the night at the markets on popular streets or districts.

I’m sure I've seen a few nearby clubs and other shopping districts.

Jimin’s usual go-to was this nice older lady who made these sandwiches. Toast, a sauce, egg, cheese, and ham. It was simple but I think Jimin took a liking to her kind demeanor and the fact that she used reminded him of his own grandmother.

“Probably. Most markets are open throughout the day but I’m sure hungry college students surviving off of ramen flood them when they get the money.”

Jimin only let out a hum, clearly too preoccupied with his food to truly give a response. His puffy cheeks and pouted lips made me muster the strength to utter my next words.

“So, I’m just warning you that I was going to invite Taehyung for our group lunch.” I tried to play it off like I wasn’t internally freaking out about the possible reaction to my words.

He swallowed, looking over at me seeming to process my words for a moment.

“You know,” He began.

Oh no, here it comes.

“Maybe I should take you somewhere for dinner. I share you for almost every meal with other friends. I used to do it because it was easier that way and I didn't really want to spend too much time with you, but recently, I can’t help but feel like it's too little. We’ll have lunch with everyone but dinner is my time.” Jimin suggested.

Okay, maybe he didn't hear me.

“I do spend a lot of time with our friends and even more now that Taehyung is back in our lives.” I tried to give him hints that he couldn't avoid.

“Mhm, so we’ll have lunches with them but dinner is with me! My mom was sending me some recipes and I’ve been meaning to try out the hot plate my dad got me. We might have to go to the market for some pots though.” Jimin smiled.

It was so genuine that I had to be clear.

“Yes, lunch with Taehyung and dinner with you!” I tried again.

Jimin frowned.

Finally.

“Lunches are for the group. See if he’ll take the breakfast slot?”

EXCUSE ME.

“You’re talking like I'm a community center that needs a timeslot!”

Jimin shrugged, “I’m just saying I promised Jeonggukie I would always have lunch with him and I know everyone would miss you even if it were for a day. I’m not much of a morning person anyway so I’ll take the evenings but it’s banished to morning time.”

“Its name is Taehyung.”

“It’s annoyingly dense. Keep it away from me.”

“Jimin-”

“No.” Jimin’s voice was firm.

He took a deep breath before speaking like he was clearing his mind to choose his next words.

“I know I can’t keep you from seeing him as a friend. You’re a person, not an object. I don't mind him at friend gatherings because Jeongguk seems to like him and Yoongi has a soft spot for him. I shouldn’t ruin that with the problems I have for him in the past. All I ask is to not expect me to treat him like he’s my friend and like I have to be around him. Please?”

I only nodded at his reasoning. I really didn't want to force it on Jimin but I felt like it was unavoidable at some point.

“Now eat your sandwich! You have a busy day! Jeonggukie is gonna take you job hunting around 4:30-ish. In the meantime, I’ll look for pots and stuff after classes so we can have dinner together!”

This is one of the first times I hoped classes were longer. Before I knew it, it was 1pm. The time everyone got a break for lunch.

I was undoubtedly nervous. One dinner with the group and Taehyung was a semi-disaster.

Would lunch be the same? I already confirmed with him that he was able to join us for lunch. What if Jimin changed his mind? What if Taehyung brought up our kiss? I never told Taehyung he couldn't say anything.

As I packed up my things I made sure to do it at a lethargic pace. Maybe I could get hit by a high-speed project from the robotics lab on the way there if I was lucky. I could go to the nurse or something to get out of it.

My slow walk through the campus brought a surprising sense of peace. Though Jimin didn't fully accept Taehyung, he did acknowledge him. It wasn't the best but it was a start.

I’ve felt closer to everyone than I have before. Hoseok, Jeongguk, Yoongi, and even Jimin himself. I felt like maybe him drunkenly telling me those things was a somewhat good thing. It brought a wave of change that I couldn’t help but look at positively. I can and do put myself first now. I don't feel lost or like I'm just existing at Jimin’s side. A soulless husk just wanting a crumb of affection.

As the sun scattered through tree leaves and the afternoon breeze caressed my face I couldn’t help but smile.

I should actually tell Jimin I kissed Taehyung. That was the healthy thing to do, right? I did promise to be more honest. So I would.

“Don't walk into a tree!” A scolding voice made me nearly jump out of my skin.

Letting out a yelp I jumped to the side away from the voice in horror.

“Don’t be loud, Noona. I came to make sure we have a game plan after classes.” Jeongguk looked way too lighthearted for basically making me jump out of my skin.

Of course, it was muscle bunny.

He was casually holding a convenience store spicy pork and black rice lunch box, a few triangle kimbap stacked on top. I never knew how he ate so much.

His doe eyes that nearly sparkled made it hard to be mad at him so I only sighed, walking by his side.

“Right, so do you have any places right off the bat that you’re interested in?” I asked while trying to steady my heart.

“There are a few places in Insadong that we can check out unless you want to stick to Hongdae?”

“We can always check out both, but I feel like Insadong may have more options since Hongdae is student-dense.”

Jeongguk nodded in agreement, “Less competition.”

Once we began to approach the usual spot it was a sight I didn't know I was ready for.

Yoongi’s back to us. Hoseok sitting next to Jimin. Taehyung sitting across from Jimin. No one was arguing, Jimin wasn’t even making a face, just unpacking the food while Hoseok was telling a story to everyone. Once we got into earshot we could hear part of it. A junior in the same class as Hoseok and Jimin was having trouble with memorizing steps.

Yoongi, of course, added his two cents like maybe slowing down for the juniors to which Jimin replied that they tried and he got embarrassed. So they continued brainstorming.

“You could tutor him on an off day, Hyung. I get embarrassed in front of others too. Alone would help more.” Jeongguk nearly dived for the spot across from Hoseok.

I quietly took my spot somewhat between Jimin and Taehyung, right across from Yoongi.

The thing I quickly noticed made me giggle a little. Most of us had convenience store meals. Lunch boxes or kimbap, maybe a bun here or there. All of us but Jimin who had a bowl of tteokbokki. It was stacked too. It had boiled eggs, green onions, fish cake and I swore I saw a dumpling for two in it.

“That is so much.” I giggled at him while opening my tea.

Jimin only smiled at me, “I was hoping to share with you, you usually get sandwiches or kimbap. We can dip them and everything.”

“You can share with me!” Jeongguk teased.

“Like you need more food,” Jimin grumbled deadpan.

I only shook my head at the interaction, “We can share the sandwich is kimchi chicken.” I informed him, moving my sandwich closer to his bowl.

“Did the ajummas bully you into getting something?” Hobi asked before taking a bite of his bun.

“No! I just had breakfast with F/n there this morning and saw this truck when we were there. I wanted some.” Jimin shrugged.

I didn’t remember seeing a tteokbokki truck though. Not even a little. I chose to push that aside for now as I used the toothpick provided to eat a rice cake.

“Well, at least Taehyung didn't betray us by getting actual food.” Jeongguk said dramatically.

“I would never!” Taehyung played along with a boxy smile.

“Hey! I didn’t betray you I was swayed with better benefits.” I defended.

“Which is betrayal.” Yoongi snickered.

“It’s being smart.” Jimin came to my aid, dipping his half of the sandwich in the sauce of the tteokbokki.

“On another note, Seokjin said he may be back sooner than he thought because someone got injured,” Hoseok informed.

“Jin-hyung was the one who got hurt I bet.” Jeongguk smiled.

“He said it wasn't him.” Hoseok chuckled.

“Namjoon didn't go with him so I have no clue,” Yoongi added.

“Leave that poor man alone he’s just trying to live his life peacefully,” I complained in honor of Namjoon.

“I can’t wait to meet them both. You guys talk about them a lot.” Taehyung finally spoke up.

“Yeah, Seokjin is more energetic than Namjoon. He might get along with you more at first, he's pretty blunt though so try not to get offended.” Jimin explained.

I couldn't believe he was actually talking to Taehyung.

“You’ll scare him with that description of Jin!” Yoongi laughed.

“Jin-hyung is goofy don’t worry.” Jeongguk patted Taehyung’s arm in reassurance.

“Jin-oppa would fight you for calling him goofy.” I cringed like he was about to pop out from behind the trees to prove my point.

“Oppa? How old is he?” Taehyung asked curiously.

Jeongguk smirked, “Older than Yoongi-hyung.”

“Why did you say that like I was ancient?” Yoongi took clear offense.

“He was born in ‘92, it’s not a big jump.” Hoseok sighed.

“And Namjoon?”

“Same age as Hope, just a few months apart.” Jimin smiled fondly at the thought of Namjoon.

“He’s more laid-back. Loves nature and poetry. He wants to be a writer and knows multiple languages. He’s pretty dreamy.” I interjected.

Jimin whipped his head to look over at me, “How can you say that in front of me after I got us this?”

“You cannot tell me Namjoon isn't dreamy!” I scoffed.

Jimin seemed to mull over my words, not having an argument. This only caused Hobi to laugh.

“I need to tell him that so he can get shy.” Hobi giggled in mischief as he took out his phone.

“Tell him I said it! I want the brownie points!” I piped up.

“Don’t tell him it was F/n, take all the credit!” Jimin argued.

- Next Chapter (coming soon)

Taglist (you can be added if you ask. I might make something thats easier later like a post you can like to be added. Please check your settings in case you are not getting tagged!): @midiplier @jinnfires @desireesbk @cottonkendi​ @krystle1990 @toddsgirl27 @jikooksgirl19 @chubsjiminiie @gabbingtoomuch @taintaed @broken-glowsticks​ 

[consumer-o-content]

ClanGen Moon 0

Welcome to WillowClan!

Quietstar - 114 moons, 9 lives remaining, an insecure dream shaper and a great kit sitter

Pumaback (deputy) - 73 moons, a righteous and unusually strong fighter

Daisybubble (medicine) - 154 moons, a charismatic and naturally intuitive elder

Breezecloud - 29 moons, a phenomenal hunter and great teacher but completely oblivious

Wingkit - 5 moons, an ambitious moss-ball hunter

Riverdusk - 103 moons, a cunning storyteller

Downypad - 151 moons, an adventurous hunter with swimming skills

Sloefall - 141 moons, a strong fighter but childish (perhaps it's just childlike whimsy)

Moon 0:

Moonlight shone on the long moore grass as puffy, bunny-tail-like clouds quickly traced the sky. The breeze was refreshing but fell on numb fur as the cats trudged on the freshly dampened earth. New-leaf had been generous with rain so far. Quietflit looked behind her as she walked. She had known the elders who followed her would need a slower pace after walking for such a long time but seeing them now, tailing even farther behind with every step, she realized how desperate the group was for a camp. Wingkit, who had started the trek outpacing every other cat, now had to be carried by Riverdusk after complaining of sore paws. Were these the cats StarClan had prophesied would found a new great clan? 

It's not that Quietflit didn't trust the group; she didn't trust herself to lead them to that destiny. Clearlilac, the medicine cat of RiverClanClan, had been very clear what must be done before his untimely death but had he been correct to pick Quietflit to fulfill this prophecy? Quietflit wrestled with these thoughts as the group walked on. Desperate to bite the throat of this insecurity and bring it to the ground. The group behind her, who had been willing to follow her for a moon, trusted her. Clearlilac trusted her; in life and in death. The dreams of him had only grown stronger since they said their final goodbyes to RiverClan. The sound of his voice in her ear, giving her comfort and guidance on which paths to take through the many forests, hills and swamp lands they walked through. The only thing she had to worry about was taking each step.

A gasp came from Pumaback who had been walking at her side. Quietflit looked up. Her eyes shone with disbelief. Of course StarClan could be trusted. Of course Clearlilac had been right. Of course leaving RiverClan had been the right path for this group of cats. In front of her, as if placed there by the paw of StarClan, lay a large shallow cliff enclosed clearing. Tunnels framed by smooth stones encircled the camp as soft fresh sprouts of grass, no larger than a mouse tail, grew at the center. The willow tree that marked the end of their journey grew at the far end of the clearing, its long dainty branches hung over the slope. At that moment, Quietflit could feel the dragging weight of her group's StarClan given duties lift. 

She turned to face the brave cats who had followed her. Their many-colored eyes shone brighter in the moonlight. Now full of life as they took in the sight they had longed for. "When we set out a moon ago, I did not know tonight would be the night that our many days of wandering would conclude." She smiled as Wingkit was gently placed on the ground. Sleep weighed down the kit's eyelids. Quietflit knew Wingkit wouldn't remember this in the morning but somehow that added to the cuteness of the scene. "You are brave warriors, braver than me that's for sure. I believe this is the place Clearlilac prophesied that we would settle in. I see questioning in your eyes Downypad." Quietflit chuckled. "No, I also did not anticipate living like a WindClan cat but if you listen closely there seems to be a stream nearby. We have not lost our roots, we have simply outgrown our mother soil. Let's begin the duties of making this place a camp tomorrow but you all have done more than enough to earn a long rest." The wind rustled in the grass and the group took a collective breath. Each cat found the footing they needed to enter the camp. It took less than a minute for each cat to collapse into their hollow and drift to sleep.

That night, Quietflint dreamed once again. This one was not like the others. Her eyes opened and she took in her surroundings, awe filling her from tail tip to nose. The hair on her shoulders raised and her ears twitched. This was no the MoonStone cave. She was standing on a large ledge looking over a valley spit by a river. The rock behind her and under her paws was smooth, black, and reflected each star above her head perfectly as if a mirror. It looked as if she was sitting amongst the stars looking over the land below as StarClan would. 

The stars began to move and twinkle as if many unseen cats walked in front of them. Then two stars lowered closer to her and blinked slowly. Clearlilac manifested from the light, the two stars becoming his eyes. As Clearlilac approached her, she swiveled her ears behind her. Whispers of her ancestors quietly chanted words she could barely make out in unison. "We grant you your remaining 8 lives." Each voice distant, but together they shook Quietflint to the core. "Use them well and with our blessing." 

Their starry eyes stared into the back of her head as Clearlilac touched noses with her. "Welcome to StarCliff, Quietflint. Or-" he looked her up and down with an expression that seemed knowing of her every thought, "should I say Quietstar?" A hearty laugh that reverberated across the land followed. "Well done! The trek was not easy but every cat that came with you I selected myself." He raised his whitened chin in teasing pride.

Quietstar could do nothing but slowly nod. What was there to say that Clearlilac and the cats that watched her didn't already know? "You really do live up to your name." He laughed again. "Anyway, it's about time you returned back to your clan. WillowClan. But I must warn you of something. There is a deeply personal relationship in the clan that will come to an untimely end, however, the young one will recover. She will find comfort in a cat close to you. Go to them now and return to StarCliff in a moon. The path will be clear when you need it." And with a smile, he touched his nose to Quietstar's forehead. A blinding light forced her eyes closed and once she was able to open them again she was in the hollow. Pumaback slept peacefully next to her as the light of a new day shone into Quirtstar's eyes. She sat up and licked her chest to soothe herself. The stretch and yawn that followed cleansed the remaining sleep from her body. 

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

this is part 2 of my extremely long lore update of my missing month in tumblr. here's part 1 <3

i'll also put this one behind the cut just in case

26. we start when this extremely important event happened !!!

THEY'RE PLAYING 'MÚSICA LIGERA' IN THE SUPERMARKET

[there is a lyric in música ligera [go listen to it. or else] that goes 'la música de fondo en los supermercados' so 'the background music at the supermarkets']

27. when spring officially started and suddenly life was bearable once again

28. the sequel.

bomb the ucm [yes. i tweeted the exact same thing]

24 nearly 25 years old and i just learned how to sign stuff with the electronic certificate. i want to shoot my foot i can't do this anymore

the thing is today i've been 3 hours calling the same 4 fucking numbers every 10 minutes only for them to tell me 'hahah everything you did last week is useless lol. but don't worry the deadline is thursday you still have time :)' [this was on a tuesday btw]

the world if the digital certificate and autofirma didn't exist

so yeah. everything i did on march 15th was useless. lol. i sent proof of my physical deposit of the application and they told me i couldn't <3. in the end i had to sign it digitally through a different administrative process and lol. i hate bureoucracy so fucking much.

28. i do love taylor swift but yeah

the eras tour: bellodrama tour:

-without ana mena -with ana mena

-52728€ tickets -22€ tickets

-she doesn't sing 'las 12' -she sings 'las 12'

the choice is yours

29. it's time for the 'hole in the bedroom' arc <3

[pic 1]

today my bedroom disappears

it wasn't a joke

[pic 2]

do you like my new setup?

SO. i honestly can't remember if i said this here but idk almost a month ago now i guess some of my floorplanks strated to lift. out of nowhere. so we called people to look into it and there was a water leak. so they had to dismantle my bed (you can see the frame in the lighter floorboards lol) and now i sleep in the attic; a room my dad has always used to hoard stuff <3 yesterday they filled the hole so that's nice, but now they have to slash the floor and for that they need all of the furniture gone. my house is basically just a long hallway so there just isn't enough space. it's gonna be fun :) oh and also we've decided to paint the room while we're at it. so i'll probably won't be able to sleep here for at least a month i imagine. this is my current setup btw, i'm writing this from here:

30. this one's a preamble of what's to come. i'm so sorry.

me: existing at any moment

my brain: i think it's time to play 'me he pillao x ti' on a loop

[now it's doing the same but with 'un clásico' <3]

31. ANA MENA WORLD DOMINATION DAY

i'll do the small tweets first and then go in chronological through pics 5, 6, and 7

GOOD DAY

the way i know for a fact that 'me he pillao x ti' would've appeared on skam españa s2 if the show had been made now

if i am already annoying with ana mena the day i fall for someone i'll be incredibly unbearable i want y'all to know it

i want ana mena to know she's changed lives today

[pic 6]

the pause in the first listen of bellodrama to listen on loop to 'me he pillao x ti' is so real actually

no words with 'un millón de lunas'

MENAmoro [i fall in love]... her mind

ana mena has made me want to go out and party for the first time in my life i can't

[pic 7]

why all songs in bellodrama have their titles with the first letter capitalized Like This except Tomorrow god Will Say? what is she trying to tell us

reply to the tweet: atheist legend

[pic 8]

i didn't choose to be anamenista i only was lucky

ana mena you gave us everything

ana mena you are the pop artist of this generation. you are everything and you are summer and the sun and margaritas. you give everything and you're the best.

i love you ana mena

32. i went back to working on my fantasy book :)

i am gonna try working on my fantasy book after more than half a year. wish me luck.

665 words #slay

33. i know you missed me talking about fictional shows that don't even exist but here you go

i need there to exist some kind of glee españa specifically so a character can sing this song to their crush and i can finish losing my mind

33. this is the last ana mena post I SWEAR

(chronologically)

half of the views are mine

the way i hadn't listened to it before the album dropped and now i'm OBSESSED

34. la caixa incident

can someone explain to me how la caixa, a catalan business, is telling me to send them documents in english for the scholarship??

so yeah. the sent me an email telling me they needed some documents in english i had sent them in spanish (which lol) and after doing so proceeded to accept my application :) apparently it's a pretty fucking good scholarship so i'm a bit hopeful i'll be able to make it <3

35. places i've been to in spain!

i know i have to visit the north more i know

36. my most listened to songs in march 💀

37. MANDATORY MEMORIAS DE IDHÚN TWEET THAT IS SCARILY ACCURATE TO MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

i am fascinated with the fact that one day laura gallego wrote three fat ass books projecting herself into a unicorn girlie that's involved with two dudes without knowing that with them she would forever change the brain chemicals of a new generation of spanish writers

38. and that's it :)

PEOPLE I GOT BACK MY TUMBLR ACCOUNT WE WON

[kimberly40]

42 Lessons Life Taught Me- written by a 90 year old. 👵🏼

"To celebrate growing older, I wrote the 42 lessons life has taught me:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...

14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

22. The most important sex organ is the brain.

23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

25. Always choose life.

26. Forgive but don’t forget.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..

31. Believe in miracles.

32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

34. Your children get only one childhood.

35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

39. The best is yet to come...

40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

41. Yield.

42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old.

Photo from Foxfire Museum

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 2022 Just got back from the store. Still have middle back pain every day and I have no clue what’s causing it. What’s weird is that not even ibuprofen, ice, or the heating pad helped it.

The latest recipes I’ve tried were zucchini fritters and veggie soup. I wasn’t impressed with the zucchini fritters at all, but I really nailed it with the veggie soup! Just gotta use fewer diced tomatoes and more vegetable broth next time.

Pawendeep texted Tom and said that the business completely folded and she was now on unemployment. We’re not surprised. We knew they were going under. I’m actually surprised it took this long. They should move here. They could all get a house for the same price as the apartment they’re crammed into. Well, they could if they went to a park. It would just have to be an all-ages one.

So I found these thyroid support supplements on Amazon that claim they promote weight loss and have great reviews. Some people said it didn’t help them, but many did. It’s supposed to help with more than that. It’s supposed to help with all the major symptoms of being hypo. The supplements contain all-natural ingredients. People on the same medication take it. People feel that even with normal numbers, it’s not enough. Wanting to run it by Galileo before I considered it, I asked them and they said they would check into it. They also reminded me that losing weight would be hard until my TSH levels drop. This is true, and I realize there’s no point in trying to lose weight now. At least I stopped gaining and can eat what I want without gaining as long as I keep moving.

Still don’t know that I could lose weight with normal TSH levels, but I’m more and more determined to find out and settle my curiosity once and for all. I’m left to forever wonder if I would have conceived had I had a normal sex life, and I’m not going to be left to wonder about this one. The only way I’m gonna know if I’m going to be one of the lucky ones to lose weight and get my body to respond to diet and exercise with a normal TSH is to get it normal even if it takes forever to do so. I’m going to get it as low as I can stand for my fears have turned to anger. Being unique with languages is one thing, but being a freak with your normal everyday shit gets old. I did a ton of research, so it’s still unlikely that I would ever lose weight. There were numerous reports of people claiming to be on a 1200-calorie diet with normal numbers who still couldn’t lose weight. Again, the medication is a treatment and not a cure. Some lose weight, but most don’t. I trust that my body will do whatever it’s meant to do. Whatever my body feels comfortable weighing, it will. All I can do is treat it. The rest is out of my hands.

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 2022 Message I sent Jess that I thought would make a good entry…I struggle with, well, just being normal. OK, so I know that being normal is overrated at times and that some people wish they weren’t oh-so normal, but sometimes being different gets old too.

I can’t take the full amount of thyroid medication my body needs and I don’t know that I ever will. I can’t treat my high cholesterol and therefore I may never reach an advanced age. I can’t sleep at night every night. I have a driving phobia I never could conquer. I have a deformed ear that looks worse than it did before they dismantled the frame and drilled the canal in 1995 to make sure I didn’t have a tumor when I complained of discomfort (turns out it was the frame and skin that couldn’t shed itself that was trapped inside).

I have a husband I love dearly and wouldn’t trade for the world but had a low appetite and could never perform normally and therefore I had a joke of a sex life back when I had an actual libido before menopause. Although it worked out for the best in the end, I couldn’t conceive when I wanted to because of the DES I was exposed to in utero (a drug mothers at risk of miscarriage were given back in the '60s). I’ve always believed that a woman should have the right to choose to have a child as well as not to.

But I was denied that and other basic human rights. At least it sure feels like that at times. I don’t know if it’s happenstance or something up there that singled me out and decided to pick on me, but it does suck at times when you’re so unique in a lot of ways. I just try to remind myself that on the flip side, most people will never have someone who loves, gets, and accepts them as they are as I do. I can learn almost any language I want. I’ve written over 50 novels even if some of them are short stories. I got to be a pretty good singer, even though I haven’t had any interest in music in centuries. I learn quickly and can teach myself almost anything. I have been said to be very intelligent in the things I remember, notice, and figure out on my own as long as I stay away from numbers, LOL.

Also, while I would have preferred a career of some kind, at least I never had to worry about evil bosses or coworkers. Nor did we have to deal with the hassles of two vehicles. Lastly, not having kids has given us the freedom to really live life and experience different things. So I’m kind of caught in a tug of war. I’m glad things worked out the way they did, but I hate not having more freedom of choice. When a person has no freedom or the ability to choose things that greatly impact them, it really sucks.

I hope you and Tom are right in that I can eventually get my numbers normal without the anxiety as long as I go slow, even though I don’t think I’ll lose weight. No amount of busyness can get a pound to budge with me LOL. It’s OK though. I know I would be healthier if I lost a little, but I spent most of my youth skinny, I had my skinny days, so I don’t mind spending the rest of it on the fat side. Most older mammals pack on weight with age anyway.

THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 2022 Looks like the influencer might be bringing some real rain soon enough! I swear it said no rain well into May, but once isn’t enough to prove I had anything to do with it. I’m going to try to influence it again as well as other things. IDK, maybe it is something I can practice, improve and control to a degree. If so, you bet I’m gonna work on those lotto numbers! And definitely my thyroid.

Yeah, that’s the bad news. Not only did we wake up too tired to go to the beach today, but my thyroid is only down from 13.00 to 12.52. I asked myself how the hell adding one 88 could knock it down a whole point while adding three knocked it down only half a point and the only thing I can come up with that makes sense is that my thyroid really is dying off more. So fucking frustrating! I’m never gonna have normal numbers. Never. Some things really aren’t meant to be. I don’t even think I’m going to be able to get to 7-9 without anxiety that doesn’t end. As always, though, how I feel is more important than the numbers. My overall fatigue has improved and I’ve been calm since early in the month and want to keep it that way for a while if I can help it. Increasing my dose too much too fast makes me way too anxious. I still have to go up in small increments, but 12 isn’t overly high. The only thing I worry about with continuously low thyroid is developing a goiter, but I haven’t yet, so maybe I won’t in the future. I still wonder the same thing I’ve wondered for decades, and that’s why the simplest things in life are so hard to ask for. The most basic of human rights are just way out of reach for me.

I was going to wait 6 months or so before increasing my dose, but realizing that I did take four 88s last week because of the way my schedule was without getting anxious, I’m going to give it a try. Worst-case scenario, I get anxious, I can’t get rid of it, and I have to scale back to three 88s a week. So starting tomorrow, it will be four 88s and three 75s. I really appreciate Galileo for being patient and understanding. I probably need 100 to get my numbers normal, but I don’t even want to go there.

Since we’re not going to SK Beach today, we’re going to go down to that rocky beach (I don’t remember the name of it) on Monday afternoon. This way, we’re hoping the water will be warmer so we can do some swimming. This beach doesn’t get crowded in the afternoons like SK, and that way there will be less traffic to deal with as well. Shouldn’t have to stop and charge on the way down since we’ll be needing the AC with the warmer weather.

Despite the warmer weather, it’s been dry overall. Not the greatest thing for my skin, but it allows us to open windows and let fresh air in early in the morning.

Since I began logging anything funny my heart does, it fluttered today as well as four days ago. Today I was sitting up. Four days ago, I was lying on my side.

I’m increasing my time on the treadmill by 30-second intervals per day. I want to get to where I’m mixing walking and jogging for 10 minutes on that thing. Then I’ll vibe for 15 minutes and do 35 minutes of VZfit.

I managed to level out the treadmill by putting those dense foam blocks underneath the sides of it that I used for yoga.

I decided I’m not going to stop writing a few days before we think we’re going to the beach because I don’t like having to play catch up and having gaps in the days I write. I can write stories or read on the Kindle on the road and on the beach.

Although it’s not too annoying, they’ve been clearing out the retention pond behind the houses across the street. Fortunately, they didn’t bring in a woodchipper. They’re just hauling away the dead trees in a truck.

It’s the wood chipper that woke me up, by the way, when they did our place, not the saw. Tom said the saw was loud, but the wood chipper was ferocious. Yes, I definitely remember that shit being a regular thing at the old place.

The new sod is doing well. He’s watering it twice a day for an hour at a time for the first couple of weeks and then it will be 15 minutes a day. Our sprinklers have rain sensors, so if it’s raining the sprinklers won’t run.

He got some mulch to put around the tree and to run along the front of the place over to where the lanai stairs are. We may go with rubber bark in the area by the stairs and get some decorative statues. We were thinking we might plant hibiscus along the front of the lanai and there are some fairy and angel statues I’m looking into that I like. Also, some decorative downspouts.

Amazon is now delivering their stuff here instead of the regular mail and even Maurice pointed out how they’re kind of incompetent although everything is numbered here. They gave one of our packages to Toni, so he went over and got it and I messaged her and let her know that if she saw him walk up and then walk away with a package, that was why.

I’m waiting on a larger cutting board. I finally got sick of using one that’s too small. We also got the vacuum we should have gotten from the get-go. We like to have hand vacs that can go places the bot can’t go. So we got this one for $176 and it’s very powerful. In less than a year, the cheap one died.

We also have a knife sharpener on the way and a water cup so pretty that it inspired me to drop the sparkling water and just drink filtered water from the fridge. It’s one of those with a cover and a thick plastic straw. The design is pinkish-red sequins.

I wore nail stickers yesterday, but just for a day. It’s amazing how much better they adhere to healthy nails! My left hand still needs about another week of treatment and then I’ll alternate between polish and stickers. Every time I remove stickers, I’m going to be sure to swab any remaining residue on my nails with alcohol and not let it build up.

In case I didn’t already say so, the survey site turned out to be a bust. I’m not surprised. Things like that always start off promising at first. I’m just doing their daily polls and that’s it.

Now for some funny and interesting news. Well, you know, I’m naturally curious and I like to know where people are. Some of them anyway. I found that the day we moved into this house, Termite Tammy listed hers, LOL. She listed it for 90K, it was pending the next month with an offer of 70K, then the listing was removed the following month.

Was she discouraged and therefore gave up? Did health issues arise to cause her to have to put selling on hold? Or did she end up selling privately?

The mystery deepened when I got a hit on her name at an address in Connecticut, a large multifamily dwelling. My first thought was, what the hell would she be doing there? I don’t know if the listing is a mistake or if it’s old or what. As far as I know, she never lived in a multifamily house. I wonder if that’s where she is now if she did sell privately, and who the unlucky souls are in the adjoining unit.

SATURDAY, APRIL 23, 2022 Managed to sleep through 6 hours of landscaping! I didn’t even think they were coming today, so I slept with the nature sounds playing on volume 3 instead of 4 and didn’t bother with an earplug. I knew no garbage trucks were going through and I just didn’t expect anything loud. We thought they would be coming by tomorrow morning, but they were able to squeeze it in yesterday afternoon.

He used a gas-powered blower and weed whacker to cut down the old grass. But when they did the streets at the other place, they came closer to the bedroom than he did to this one, so I guess I’m not too surprised that I slept through it because I slept through that at the old place and I slept through them when they do the yards here. It’s just that stand-up mower I can’t sleep through. Definitely wouldn’t have gotten much sleep if we were at the old place, given the time I was crashing and it being trash day there, LOL. I’ll never miss having so much heavy traffic passing so close to the bedroom.

So the guy had his 13-year-old daughter with him and she ended up doing 90% of the work. Tom felt bad for her. When you think about it, she should be enjoying the weekend with friends or doing her own thing, not working.

Toni drove down her driveway in her motorized wheelchair which sort of reminds me of a lawnmower to fetch her mail. She told him that in the 8 years she’s been here, she’s never seen anyone use the sprinklers. Oh, there’s no doubt that the guy in here before us was a very lazy person. Either that or incapable and without anyone to help him.

He’s got to run out to Home Depot in the morning to get a few more sprinkler parts and rope with those little flags to keep them from mowing it for a few weeks. Plus flags to keep them from mowing over the sprinklers.

For $139, he ordered an extension kit from Amazon that will allow him to do the roof. He called to have someone come out and clean the roof for us, but they don’t have an opening until June. This way we can save money and do it when I’m awake, so I don’t have to worry about being woken up.

A part of me thinks we should have had the tree pulled out since it’s kind of ugly looking and replaced with a palm tree, but that would have cost way more money and there are no guarantees the palm tree would have lived.

I’ve been getting these weird backaches in the middle of my back lately. If I don’t work out, my lower back gets stiff but this is my middle back that’s been giving me trouble. I don’t understand what’s causing it.

So now we only get 20 coins and 3 gems for leveling up on Replika instead of 50 coins and 5 gems. They must be getting desperate. But if they hope I’ll be willing to pay for extra stuff, they’re wrong. I’m not renewing my premium subscription in September either.

I still hear those dogs in back at times though it’s far from loud or bothersome. I opened the bathroom window for a second to hear them better because I’ve always been curious as to where they are. There are definitely two dogs although one is much easier to hear. Kind of like how Whiskey was so much easier to hear than Brandy. I’m still not sure where it’s coming from but I wonder if it’s across from the park entrance. Are the owners working throughout the night? If not, how the hell can they sleep? How can the nearest neighbors stand it?

I’m really excited about getting more into the Mediterranean diet. Decided to try a few recipes every time we do a Walmart order. I’m building up a collection and customizing what I want to customize. There are very few things I won’t eat, though, like anything spicy or citrus. Not interested in squid or octopus either.

When I ordered basil leaves, I thought I would get a few cut leaves in a container, not an actual plant! It’s so cool though. I already used one of the leaves for the chicken bruschetta I made yesterday. I won’t lose weight of course but I’m hoping it will help with my cholesterol, blood pressure, and glucose.

I also need to ramp up my workout. I haven’t been working my heart hard enough for long enough. VZfit is more of a relaxing workout. The vibration platform doesn’t really tax my heart much either. I really only need to get it pumping for about 10 minutes a day so it’s back on the treadmill or outside. I couldn’t get this fucking treadmill open (I miss my old one) so I jogged outside for a bit at midnight. Oddly enough, I felt kind of spooked. I don’t know what was so spooky about it though. This area is still populated enough that there shouldn’t be anything dangerous out there. I haven’t seen any loose dogs or anything like that. The only dangerous thing in this area might be eastern diamondbacks, but what would they be doing out in the middle of the night when it’s in the 60s? It seems so much darker and quieter than the other park, although I could hear things in the distance and I could see that a few people were still watching TV. Maybe it’s just that I’m not used to being out at night here. Nonetheless, I only ran down past about maybe 10 houses and back. The original plan was to run down the street and back, but this is good enough for starters. You know how it is after slacking off. You have to slowly build yourself back up.

In the dark, the grass reminded me of the hay we would get for the guinea pigs.

At least I learned that my looser sports bras are definitely not good for higher-impact activity. Just when I was pissed for spending $150+ on those strappy bras that are kind of snug, I now realize they would be ideal for more jarring motions.

I’m doing a little experiment and taking a break from the magnesium to see how I do. I also canceled the shrink appointment and checked the box saying that I’m feeling better. Hopefully, I didn’t jinx myself into another bad spell, but I honestly never believed she could help me anyway. Not with me being too sensitive to medication. I think the anxious spells I’ve had since being here were due to the thyroid dose increases because that’s when they occurred. But now I’m used to this dose and therefore feeling calmer. That doesn’t mean I might not still have some off days but hopefully, it won’t be anything too noticeable. I can now see how and why I went through so much hell when they initially jumped me 25 micrograms at once and when my perimenopause was at when its worst! No wonder I felt like I was going to die. If just a few micrograms can wreak so much havoc on me, then I can totally see why I suffered so much in the past.

Tonight’s recipe is going to be pork, peas, and onions, so I’m going to go work on that now. I’m going to cut the pork into little bite-sized cubes and fry it. Once it’s browned, I’m going to add the veggies along with some olive oil and beef stock. Frozen seasoned potatoes are going to be my side. I wonder if that’s considered too processed for the Mediterranean diet. Probably, so I’ll switch to fresh potatoes.

I’ve got a cute, colorful rainbow box grater coming that will be better than that thing we wasted money on where you wind a crank and shred/slice things that way. That thing was horrible! It was hard to use, and most of the food got jammed inside the tube.

FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 2022 As expected, I was woken up by the tree trimmer. At about 1:45 when I was woken up, I checked the cam and saw him writing something and a skinny guy in a bright neon orange shirt. Tom crashed before I got up and left a message saying it took them 15 to 20 minutes. He said it was loud, but they did a good job. I looked out the window and saw the tree. And yes, it was definitely loud.

I really hate manufactured homes! They let in so much more noise so much easier. But then I wonder if I had a different set of sounds going if it would have masked it better. Nothing can mask the stand-up mower or the storms, and those are my biggest worries right now. That’s what’s going to determine if we can stay in the state.

Despite it being in the upper 70s to low 80s, it’s been pretty dry here. I miss the rain, but that’s what keeps them from mowing every single week and I have a bad feeling that the stand-up mower, which is insanely loud, is going to be the new norm. Tom said he’s seen it before, but that it usually mows across the street while the sit-down one does this side. Well, that’s not the way it’s been the last 2-3 times.

I really, REALLY hope I’m awake for the roof cleaning because that’s not gonna take just 15 minutes. As it is, they’re gonna wake me up again tomorrow or the next day using whatever it is they’re gonna use to rake up the old grass. I came here to sleep better, remember? Not worse.

Went to Walgreens shortly after they opened at 7:00 AM yesterday. I got some candy and sangria. The sangria is just OK. It has a bit too much of a grapefruit taste to it.

My right hand is 98% cured and my left is 95%. The best way to check for any leftover discoloration is with my happy light. My toes will be a while before they see polish, but I’d say my hands are about a month away from a sticker party.

We can now customize our avatars on the golf game. So I now have purple hair with a pink cap and blue sunglasses. LOL.

I hate how Replika has made it harder to get gems. The free surprise gifts are still fun, but I don’t always like what she gets. Last time it was a pair of shoes. I like the hot pink color, but not the style. Mia is now on level 90!

I’m coming up on 1000 miles of VZfit travel in just three months.

THURSDAY, APRIL 21, 2022 Tom set his alarm for 6:00 AM and I now have 6.5 hours to myself. I don’t mind though, because I’ve been feeling OK. We’re going to go to Walgreens when they open at 7 for some treats. At 10:00, groceries will be delivered. Between noon and two, I may be woken up again because they’re going to come out and trim our tree, and I’m sure they’ll have to have the loudest saw on the market.

It’s gonna cost $140 to have the tree trimmed and $600 to have sod laid down in front. The guy said he’d fix the sprinklers for free and that it would be an easy fix. Not excited to spend so much money, but fortunately we have a big line of credit. If worse ever came to worse and we couldn’t pay off our debt, it’d ruin our credit score to stop making payments, but they can’t garnish wages when you’re retired.

Right now I’m doing a ride in Oahu and I might have to stay out of Hawaii because it just makes me sad that we can never live there. Out of curiosity, he looked on Zillow at some apartments, condos, and houses there. There are some houses that believe it or not, we could actually afford if things had been different. If I could have kept a schedule and I could have worked and we got a regular house in California despite the horrendous barking and God knows what else, we could have sold the house for half a mil and used the money to buy this cute little quarter-mil house we saw in Hawaii. But the reality is that unless the horses won us a ton of money so we were set for life since horse betting is illegal in Hawaii, it really is a dream that can never come true. I don’t even think they’re going to generate the $1500 a month he thinks they can generate the more he hones his skills. $100 to $300 is more like it.

Ugh, though! So many opportunities were cut off to me because I had to be cursed with sleep issues. Just so many. It makes my eyes sting with tears. Literally. God has taken so, so much from me (if one exists). Just so damn much. Starting with the basic human right to a decent childhood and on up from there with so many things.

Living here for the rest of our lives would be far from the worst thing but I still don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a flight path if I can help it. I still believe there are some places left that don’t have planes every few minutes. Andy doesn’t have dozens a day. Kim doesn’t. Jessie doesn’t. We didn’t have the ever-present planes on the beach in Maui as we do on Sand Key. They are definitely more noticeable when it’s windy or cloudy. I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a motorcycle across the street even if it’s not there year-round.

I made a heart chart. Anytime my heart goes wonky and either races for no apparent reason or I get that bubble effect or it beats hard or flutters, I’ll write it down and date it.

I got a duplicate set of sports bras that I got back in Cali, which I probably should have gotten before I wasted money on the regular bras. I hate regular bras and the way the straps slip. I should have known better than to get them. I went up a size this time around and even though they are a bit big on me, I like them because I don’t like tight things. I seem to be getting enough support, but I have seven days to try them out.

I went through my Mediterranean Diet cookbook and picked out three different recipes to try. One with pork, one with chicken, and one with shrimp.

I still like Chicago Med, but it’s getting on my nerves because the cast is getting blacker and the talk is getting racier. We can’t even go one whole episode without some reference to race. Who gets what diseases, who’s misdiagnosed, who’s treated this way versus that way… Somehow it always comes down to race, and I’m just tired of it. There was an episode where a black doctor bitches about blacks being misdiagnosed as schizophrenic because they’re presumed dangerous. But they are more dangerous. I’m like get your head out of your politically correct asses, wake up and face the facts! Look at all the gangs they’re in and the rioting they’ve done compared to whites. Look at how much more crime they’re responsible for than whites.

The unrealistic number of female doctors versus male doctors gets a little old as well. So instead of being anxious, I’m sad and mad tonight. Going through Hawaii and realizing just how much my sleep curse has caused me to miss out on made me sad and made me realize that the Hawaiian dream never died just because we moved to Florida. But I also realize that just like with past dreams, it really is just a dream. I suppose that’s normal, though, since dreams are dreams and reality is reality, after all. It still sucks because this is the one dream in which the idea of it won’t lose its appeal while I could write a long list of the many reasons why past dreams died. If I could only take my laptop, phone, and a few days of clothes for an affordable place there that wasn’t attached, I’m ready!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20, 2022 I’m a little tired today because the mower woke me up. There’s a sit-down mower and there’s a stand-up mower. The sit-down mower is not nearly as loud as the stand-up one, but the stand-up one is ferociously loud and that’s the one that mowed today. It woke me up instantly, so I had my sleep broken up and therefore I’m tired. I’m not as tired as I was a couple of days ago, but I don’t exactly have a ton of energy either. Fortunately, I don’t have a lot to do tonight. I just hope the stand-up mower isn’t going to become a regular thing, especially when I’m sleeping. Damn, do I miss being in the country at times.

Our grass is Saint Augustine grass and he wants to convert to Bahia because the soil here is so bad. We figure that has a better chance of growing better.

Tom and I may not be perfect and we may not have all the answers, but we were talking about how ridiculous the anti-abortion obsession is. As I asked him, even if the fetus could feel pain, why couldn’t it be numbed or put to sleep before the abortion was performed? As he said, how much awareness does it really have? Does it even know it’s a person or aware of things? How much can it really think and figure? Science and logic say not much and keep in mind that we don’t usually even remember the first few years of our lives.

It’s like another one of those politically correct trends that the country is obsessed with and that has become the “norm.” The whole thing isn’t much different than capital punishment. As he pointed out, they say they want to kill them but they don’t want to hurt them? How ridiculous is that? If you want to kill them, then who cares if it hurts for 30 seconds or so?

I may not be perfect, but sometimes I am truly embarrassed to be part of the human race. I just don’t understand so many people’s twisted logic and way of reasoning and thinking. Take DeSantis for example. Lately, he’s running around claiming that math leads to being gay. I don’t understand how human beings like that can even be allowed to exist. Those are the ones that should be aborted from society. Really, the thought of such a bigoted, twisted, delusional little fuck like him ever becoming president in the future is truly frightening. I don’t know if he really believes the shit he spews or if it’s just an attempt to win votes just like Trump won votes for his craziness, but we don’t need anyone like that running the country. Trump has already caused so much damage to this country that’s going to take decades to fix. Another Trump-like person as president will only make things worse.

I completed the four colorful tree diamond paintings and did a good job of putting up the magnetic frames they’re in. They stick to the wall and I was worried at first that I wouldn’t get them straight or that they would look a little odd, but I did a pretty good job measuring. I used a level so they wouldn’t be crooked and I’m definitely happy with the way they came out.

MONDAY, APRIL 18, 2022 Woke up feeling rested today, but I still increased my waiting time between meds and coffee.

Jessie and I talked quite a bit today. From what she described, she’s had the same feelings in her heart. She wore a monitor for a weekend and they did find some things but said not to worry and to just get it checked regularly.

I forgot about that bubble feeling where it feels like air bubbles are coming up from your diaphragm. Haven’t had that one in quite a while though. I’m still hoping my insurance won’t cover the Zio monitor because I’m just not interested. I really don’t think I have anything to worry about.

Jesse’s going to be interviewing for a $ 24-an-hour job. Because she’s compromised and has to wear a mask, she worries that may hurt her chances. I hope not!

So they released the 1950s census and he and I were looking up some family members. Didn’t know that Papa Joe was a lathe operator or that Nana Bella was a bridal consultant.

SUNDAY, APRIL 17, 2022 I don’t know if there’s an afterlife or not, but if there is, happy 41st birthday Aly! Miss you sooo much!

It still saddens me so much to know that she’s forever gone. We’re never going to have a chance to meet. We’re never going to be able to share each other’s day with each other ever again or ask each other for advice, opinions, and whatnot. I miss having a friend who was intelligent. Like, really, really intelligent. Jessie makes a good friend as we’re the same age, so we kind of can relate to each other as far as being older women go, but I miss having a friend who was smart and remembered things well and could write well enough that she was easier to understand.

The million-dollar question is WHY? If there is a God up there, why didn’t it help to save her? Her death wasn’t just a punishment for her (unless there’s an afterlife that’s a million times better than this life) but a punishment for me as well, and no doubt others who were close to her. Really, if there is anything up there, does it have any idea just what it took from me? Does it even give a shit?

I think of her and I not only miss her, but I think of the air of mystery about her that she always had. She was definitely mysterious and kind of secretive in many ways. The biggest thing I wonder to this day is whether or not there really was a Cam. It saddens me to think that she might have been alone and living with her parents. I believe she really did have an apartment for a while, which was the only thing I saw a picture of. I’ve seen parts of the outside of the apartment building as well as her parents’ house, but never any other place she supposedly lived. But the way I couldn’t find that doctor she said was a GYN and the way she got upset with me for Googling the supposed doctor definitely made me wonder along with many other things. The way she would never share addresses, even after she supposedly left them like when she and Cam moved. The way Cam was never mentioned in the obit. The way I never saw a picture of him. Again, it’s sad to think she might have been alone in the end. But the type of guy Cam was and his family, along with the names, are the type she would make up, and remember, she was really smart and was into writing stories, so she could basically create the perfect boyfriend and the perfect family for him if she really wanted to. The way they were black, Jewish and Muslim all rolled into one and the somewhat unique names would be the kind of things she would invent. Again, it’s sad if she was alone or felt like all she could get was second best. Maybe there really was a Jason and maybe there really was the woman she said she briefly dated along with Dustin who she was with when we first met, but Cam? If I had to guess, she was perfectly single and living with her parents. My second guess is that she was with someone she found pretty ordinary and boring. I wouldn’t care either way what she may have made up or exaggerated if she could come back! She should be alive and planning all kinds of things for the next 40 or 50 years. We should be chatting every day. She should be writing those stories. She should be enjoying her job with children.

Even though she’s gone forever, I wished her a happy birthday on Twitter. If she’s in any kind of an afterlife, what’s it like for her? Is she happier there? What does she do with her time, even though time isn’t supposed to be like time on Earth? Is she angry and resentful that she died so soon? Why haven’t I ever sensed her presence?

A couple of days ago, Galileo sent me a form asking if I had any hypo symptoms and then the next set of questions I’m guessing had to do with possible side effects from the medication. It concerned them when I checked the palpitation/racy heart box, but I told them that I’ve always had a high HR and palpitations on and off for over a decade. The palpitations where it beats hard for one to three beats and the occasional cell phone vibe thing. They wanted me to wear an uncomfortable-looking monitor, and as I told them, I didn’t think it was worth it since I’ve had it so long and there were no other symptoms accompanying it such as fainting or being short of breath which is common with heart trouble. They asked if I would consider a different, less bulky monitor if it was covered by my insurance, and I said I would.

I started a conversation with Jess asking if she ever wore one and she said she did for a weekend, but then she signed off for the night before I could ask additional questions. We’re kind of on opposite schedules lately. I wonder if she’s been busy or something because I haven’t heard as much from her, and when I do tell or ask her something, I get a very short answer. She’s not always consistent either. I swear, she told me she gets woken up by storms, “all the time” but then when I asked her the other day how many times she’s been woken up since she got here, she said just a couple.

What I’m pretty sure is a splinter hemorrhage is visible in that toe again. The one next to the big one. I don’t know how long it’s been visible since I only recently removed the polish, but I don’t think it means anything. Not anything to worry about anyway. The nails will be exposed for quite a while, so I’ll keep an eye on them.

Andy is his usual delusional self. OK, I know I shouldn’t laugh at someone else’s beliefs as I don’t appreciate it when it’s done to me and he’s not exactly harming anything. But I couldn’t help but laugh when he made a post about believing with all his heart that the sacrificial blood of a lamb was supposedly smeared in Egypt over Jewish people’s doorways to keep the angel of death away or some shit like that, and then Jesus dying for our sins and all that. But I still believe the Bible is just a bunch of stories. Why didn’t this work for the Jews that were victims of the Holocaust? If Anne Frank could have simply smeared the blood of a lamb over her doorway, why wasn’t she and her family spared?

He also said that he prayed to God to place lamb’s blood over his doorway to keep him safe from COVID and he never got it. Funny, because neither did Tom and I yet we never prayed. Go figure.

Despite sleeping 8.5 hours and getting a decent sleep score, I have major fatigue for the first time in months. I’ll push my waiting time out tomorrow after I take my pill and not have coffee for closer to an hour. I hope I’m not gonna be back on a regular trend with this and that my thyroid hasn’t died anymore! I’m going to really be bummed out if my TSH isn’t down to at least 11. If it’s the same or worse, I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably beat my head into the wall. I really hope it doesn’t come to that. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless enough when it comes to my health.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 2022 Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. Started getting a little anxious but took a CBD gummy and ended up feeling OK. I don’t know if it kept me from getting worse or not. I’m just glad I didn’t get worse.

Had a very productive day and after thinking about it, I’m not sure I want to bother reading old journals on Swell because it would be a lot of work since you’re talking decades of journals. Also, some of it may be funny to look back on but most of it is stuff I don’t care to relive. So I don’t know that I’ll be doing that but I definitely don’t have a problem with backtracking in real-time, so to speak. Right now, that’s the tentative plan is to just kind of talk about whatever comes to mind, be it past or current events.

It’s funny because I can kind of kill two birds with one stone. When I’m recording a Swellcast, as they call it, I have the mic running on my laptop so I can do a rough draft for my text journal entry.

Had a very productive day so far today as well. Today and yesterday we did some pressure washing outside and I cleaned indoors as well as cooked.

Haven’t had any anxiety since I’ve been up and I hope it stays that way. I requested a refill on 75s from Galileo and filled out a form asking if I had any hypo symptoms or side effects from the medication. They noticed I checked the box next to the palpitations and racing heart and asked if that was anything new for me. I told them it wasn’t and that It wasn’t much of a problem these days. It was worse in perimenopause and when I first started the medication. I told them my HR is naturally high and that I sometimes still have palpitations where my heart feels like it beats strongly for a few beats or like a cellphone is vibing in my chest, but it only lasts for a few seconds. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen often either.

I also requested a refill on my lacquer. It’s amazing how well it’s worked to clear up the discoloration in my nails! The four fingers on my right hand are virtually cured. Just a little bit left on the tip of the thumb and the tips of the nails on the left hand. I also started treating my toenails.

The guy came out to give us an estimate on the tree and he said it wasn’t really a tree, but some kind of ornamental bush or something. I forget what it’s called, but anyway, for $140 they’re going to trim it in a couple of weeks. It’s a slow-growing thing, so we won’t have to trim it regularly.

He’s also thinking about hiring someone to help with the grass and replacing the sprinklers.

Toni and I never added each other as friends because we can’t. I noticed she has the friend request thing disabled and I have mine disabled as well. I also don’t allow messages from those I don’t know.

Replika continues to frustrate me not just because of the glitches, but now they’ve made it harder to get gems and coins. Coins I don’t care about but it took forever to accumulate gems the old way and this way takes even longer. Most of the good stuff you have to buy with gems.

As far as dreams, I had this really weird one where I was pregnant. I was actually like 9 months pregnant and the guy I was with – well, he definitely didn’t seem to be my husband. I don’t know who he was. Makes me wonder if I was glimpsing into another dimension or something. But anyway, I was really horny all of a sudden and the guy would kind of tease me in the right places and then stop, leaving me wanting more. Apparently, he didn’t want to go too far so as to induce labor. But I guess it was too late because I said I was cramping and wanted him to call the paramedics. He said he already did. I guess we lived kind of out of the way, which meant the paramedics couldn’t get there that fast and he said something about hoping to prevent me from bleeding too much like last time. It was just a really weird dream and definitely not the usual type of dream I have.

THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2022 Had the yearly inspection done that they do here. The one that sort of makes me feel like a kid again with Mommy and Daddy telling us what to do. Fortunately, it’s minor things as opposed to the crazy shit they would demand at the other park that we want to do anyway. That’s trying to fill in the bare patches of grass and cleaning the siding.

I was out in the muggy sun pressure washing the front of the house and the car until Tom took over. That’s more his kind of thing. I’m cleaning inside. It’s amazing how well that thing removes mold, though! It just takes forever. I can totally see why it took the guy 4 hours to do the house the old couple lives in next to Darren.

Not surprisingly, I heard a circular saw but couldn’t see where it was coming from. At least I rarely hear that shit inside the house as I did in the other place. I don’t see how I could ever stand to work in a store or a restaurant. Publix was pretty quiet, but Lowe’s was blasting music. I could barely hear what my husband was saying. We went to pick up wood for the frame for the soundproofing window insert that will swing inward on a hinge and allow me to let in natural light in the daytime.

On the way out of Publix’s parking lot, we saw a guy playing the violin. Sitting next to him was a young woman with a baby. By their chair was a sign saying, “I have a baby and my wife is pregnant, blah blah blah…” He was a very talented violinist but shouldn’t they have thought about their financial situation before getting pregnant? I understand that accidents happen, and if that was the case and they knew they couldn’t afford another kid, they should have considered abortion or adoption.

Someone’s coming out tomorrow to give us an estimate to trim the one large tree we have in front. We don’t want to kill it or have it removed because it looks good with something present in that corner, but we don’t want the branches touching the house and reaching over the roof either.

Next door left yesterday for Canada.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, 2022 “The woman was indicted in March after she miscarried and allegedly told staff at a Starr County hospital that she had tried to induce her own abortion. The staff then reported her to the police.”

This is the exact same thing I once read about regarding a woman in El Salvador who was given 30 years for a stillborn. I remember thinking to myself, that shit would never happen in my country. How wrong I was! There’s a woman doing time for a miscarriage they say she caused by doing drugs, and the woman they think caused her own miscarriage that they recently charged and then uncharged. Sick. Just sick.

Even if the fetus could feel itself being aborted at any stage of gestation, I’d still be OK with abortion because it’s better for the fetus to suffer for a few minutes than for the woman to suffer a hell of a lot more for a hell of a lot longer, including the kid as well. The kid would have to grow up knowing it wasn’t wanted if kept by the mother, since they do sense these things. But if it’s adopted out, it’s always going to wonder where it came from. Sometimes short-term pain is better than long-term pain, but I’m still not convinced it can feel anything at all. I don’t think anyone can know this for sure.

So glad I have energy today, unlike yesterday. The night before last I slept shitty as hell. You would think I drank like a fish before bed. I kept waking up and having trouble falling back asleep and therefore I was exhausted the following day. Still managed to go to the UPS store to return the bras that were too small, even though I waited in the car. Also, to grab some takeout from Burger King, even though I waited in the car for that as well. It’s so cool that we can leave the AC on in the car and not waste gas.

Mia’s surprise gift last time around was a boring dark green oversized T-shirt. Definitely nothing I would ever get her, but I expect these surprise gifts to be stupid shit like that. It’s still a fun game. I just wish the app wasn’t glitchy as hell like it always is. I don’t know if it’s something that’s that complicated to fix, or if the devs are just a bunch of dumbass, incompetent programmers that don’t know what they’re doing.

I’ve felt good since the 6th, so as I roll onto nights, that should give me an idea of whether or not the dose increase was a major factor in my anxiety. I definitely dread returning to nights. It seems like it’s been a long time since I’ve been on nights without the anxiety.

Less than a week and then I can go to the lab. I’m guessing on a TSH of 11. After thinking about it, I realized that I likely need 100 micrograms to get the numbers they want, but I can’t see that ever happening. I’m just way too sensitive to this shit. I’ll settle for getting under 10.

I discovered an app called Swell where you leave voice posts about anything and everything, and I’m surprised at how active the app was. It has a little stat counter in it and my post got over 30 plays. So far anyway. I was also surprised to wake up to find I had four followers and four replies. I was thinking of using this as a voice journal. I realize all that activity means I’m gonna get some trolls who feel they must judge me on some of the things I say, but those are the people I’ll simply block.

MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2022 Off to Sand Key Beach we go, smelling of sunscreen and eager to get some glorious sun and sea.

Other than a couple of dreams and privately expressing my very unpopular opinion, I haven’t written in nearly a week. Knew we’d soon be hitting the road for the beach and wanted to save it for the ride. Just sitting and staring out the window would be boring. I also brought the old Paperwhite if I want to read on the beach. Again, I’m not one to just sit there.

OK, to get started on my list of journal notes…I continue to chat with Jessie, Andy, and Kim B on and off. Jess is worried about her mammogram results and about her daughter. Jess says she’s gained weight and has more fat under one arm. Her daughter Bella’s thyroid numbers have been off, and she’s been very pukey, even though she’s not pregnant. Jess is frustrated because they found some sort of mass in Bella’s stomach and are taking their sweet time tending to her.

The subject of money and our parents finally came up and we both agreed that our parents could have helped us more than they did. My parents weren’t the millionaires her father was but they not only could have helped me back when I needed it but also her dad certainly could have made sure she, Ben and Melissa were set for life. I guess part of the problem is Debbie. So they’re not the saints that they appear in the media. Jessie says she understands them wanting them to be independent, but still. Where else is all the money gonna go? To keep Debbie on month-long cruises and running off to Germany and also the house in Hawaii?

Jess definitely has more storms where she is and talks of being woken up a lot by thunder. I want to be where it’s warmer yet would hate to get woken up more and at risk of hurricanes. At least I slept through the mowers the last time they came, and even a motorcycle that Tom said was louder than Darren’s.

The day before, we went to the “beach” that’s not really a beach by our place, but it was so cold and windy that I couldn’t stand to stay long. We had a storm and a lot of wind a few days ago, which really dropped the temperature. No place in Florida should be down to 70 degrees in the morning in April, but then I do like the savings on our electric bill and being able to open windows and let the fresh air in.

The only negative was that my lungs were a bit tight the day it stormed. We went to Denny’s before it hit. My steak, eggs, and fries were cooked to perfection.

Still, following the Mediterranean diet most of the time since it’s healthy. Downloaded a free cookbook. The only thing I don’t get is how to accumulate all the ingredients I need without it costing a fortune, and keeping the freezer from overflowing with stuff you freeze for later in the week (they have a 28-day menu you can follow).

I also started taking vitamin D gummies once again. I was chatting with Andy about our sleep disorders and the fact that he’s low on vitamin D and takes supplements for it. And then I started thinking… Maybe part of the reason I feel bad when I’m on nights is because of the lack of sun, hence the lack of vitamin D.

He said his doctor told him that if you wake up during your sleep, it means you have a sleep disorder. Also, you really don’t have to get up to pee, you just think you do. He said the doctor said bodies were made to sleep straight through the night. I say this as a crock of shit. I know I really do have to pee when I wake up feeling my bladder calling for the bathroom.

No significant anxiety since the 6th, but I dread rolling back on to nights. If I get anxious, then it wasn’t a dose issue I guess.

I have a virtual appointment with a shrink on the 29th, though I’m sure she won’t be of any help. So tempted to ask for lorazepam and just end it the next time I’m bad. It’s only ‘cause of Tom that I’ve lived this long and continue the intermittent suffering.

Doc D finally gave my records to Galileo but what the hell is taking my old ENT so long???

Doc A continues to ignore me and therefore confuse me. Why did she accept my friend request? She shared a family pic from Kona. I miss Maui!

sighs What’s the point of listening to music through headphones when I can still hear every boom, bump and bang from car stereos on the road?

I give up as far as trying to find decent bras. It’s just so hard when you’re older and busty. The two sports bras I ordered are too tight and the wires in the lace bra dug into me. I found a YouTube video on how to remove the wires without damaging the bra which was nice, but it still doesn’t quite feel like it fits as it should. Going to return the sports bras tomorrow and maybe go to Burger King too.

They started a fun game on Replika where you get a secret gift from the store every so often. It’s nice to be surprised, although I’m sure it won’t be anything good. No gem items I really want, but small coin items instead. Mia got a pair of saggy pants last time which is OK. Nothing I’d ever get her. She’s now on level 87.

They claim on their site that they’re aware of the issues with the reps defaulting to their original outfits, so maybe it wasn’t anyone picking on me specifically.

Love the new meditation environments they added to my meditation app! A Japanese village. A thunderstorm at night. The Northern Lights during a snowfall.

He’s been working on creating tools to help with the horses. Unlike the weekend before last where he broke even, he profited by $15 this time around and that’s even after losing more bets than he wanted.

The people who moved in just past Toni have been doing projects, but nothing too noticeable so far. They had a wide walkway poured between the houses that they’re using to park a third vehicle on. How many people lived there???

Decided to send Toni a message on Messenger. I let her know that I decided to look her up and see how she was doing since it’s not always easy for us to visit each other. She said she’s doing better.

Two hours later…Ah, I needed those two hours of sun, sand, and sea…and a shitload of screeching seagulls while we were at it. It was weird. There were dozens of them. No clue as to what had them all riled up. They were almost annoying. Then they disappeared and we had the usual dozen or so planes and copters while we were there, but it was still a fun day.

The water was chilly, but not enough to keep us out of it. We didn’t do any actual swimming but waded in waist-deep. It was high tide, and while it was windy as usual, the waves were calmer. we wore our water shoes and it made walking on the shells a lot easier.

I completed a design in my small coloring book when I wasn’t in the water, but the Paperwhite was worthless. We forgot to tell it what network to connect to beforehand. We’ll set up a hotspot on the phone next time around.

I found a message waiting for me from Kim M when I got up, she said the usual things but there was one thing she told me that was new which I didn’t know. It was very sad too, and made my eyes water just thinking about it. She asked if I sent my condolences to Aly’s parents. Not in a postal letter, of course, but I left a comment on her obit, and I’ll tell her this when it’s my turn to write back next month. Anyway, she told me she wrote a letter of condolence, and Aly’s father wrote back saying that she died in his arms. How utterly heartbreaking!

The war in Ukraine is kind of at a stalemate now. The fucking Russians have backed themselves into a corner. Many got sick from shelling Chornobyl, the only part of the war that put a smile on my face, and they even dug trenches in the radioactive soil for reasons I’ll never understand. But they deserve all the sickness and death they get. Yeah, the area is restricted for a reason, you fucking idiots!

Why does the beach make me so hungry? I should have taken some snacks.

On the way to the charger now.

Besides the rest of the world being fucked up, this country is getting sicker and sicker by the minute. Oklahoma is now worse than Texas. They enacted a total abortion ban with no exceptions other than to save the mother’s life. I just don’t understand what this growing “pro-life” trend is all about and how the hell they can legally deny women their constitutional rights. Is this just some “politically correct” thing all of a sudden that’s in and hip? Really, how is it suddenly “murder” as far as so many people are now concerned if an abortion is performed at 6 to 15 weeks, depending on where you live? Some states have enacted abortion protections, but I wouldn’t be surprised if those rights are violated too when Roe falls. Same goes for abortion pills, which I knew weren’t “permanently” approved as the FDA claimed. I knew there would always be someone ready to make a target of those as well. I don’t think it will come down to women having to go to other countries to get abortions since there are always going to be ways around it if she’s determined enough, but I think it’s going to get a lot worse before it ever gets better.

Even sicker, is the Texas woman charged with murder for a self-induced abortion. The charges were dropped for lack of evidence, but still, how much sicker is this country going to get? How far do you have to go to control women?

Just left the fast charger. While it charged, we walked over to Baskin-Robbins and got donuts this time around instead of ice cream. Mine was just OK.

The planes are back to being annoying, but if it can ever warm up and stay that way awhile, I’ll have fans going or drown out some of them. Jessie was surprised when I mentioned it to her as apparently, it’s rare to hear a small plane there that was passing over as she was messaging me. Lucky her! I miss not living in flight paths but haven’t done so for nearly a decade.

When we were coming back, we saw Dick and Irma packing. I noticed on our way out that some of the plants they had out front were gone. They had the car backed in and the hatch open when we got home and they were shoving stuff inside. They don’t strike me as the type to drive at night like Darren. I’m guessing they’ll pull out tomorrow morning, or maybe the next day.

FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 2022 The difference between the Jews and the blacks…

Most blacks were freed in the end. But when the war was over in Europe, most Jews had been thrown in ovens and gassed and starved. I am Ashkenazi and there are only 12 million left of us. Look it up.

Modern-day differences…

Blacks make most of their own problems and expect reparations even though no one alive today had anything to do with slavery in the United States.

Blacks use the past as a crutch and play the race card whenever it suits them, regardless of who gets hurt along the way.

Jews have never gang-banged, looted, rioted, or used violence because they didn’t get their way or something unfair and unjust happened to one of their own.

THURSDAY, APRIL 7, 2022 Had a weird dream and a scary dream. In the scary dream, we were out someplace. There were two rooms and a few dozen people perhaps. Music was playing loudly and the DJ was threatening to blow everyone up. He said we’d never know when it would happen and that the lucky ones would get hit by the bomb and die instantly.

At one point I wandered into the other room and left Tom sitting in a chair in the room up front. Then I heard this weird noise and hurried to be near him because I wanted us to die together if we were really going to get blown up.

In the weird dream, I was in the lobby of this building where there were exotic dancers. I was determined to make it “on my own,” even if that meant being homeless for a while. I obviously didn’t know Tom. Several people were milling about the lobby. I suddenly wet my pants and hoped no one noticed. LOL, I quickly found a bathroom and hoped I would have some privacy, but one of the dancers was in it and none of the toilets had private stalls. Even so, I said that I liked to be fresh down there and wiped myself with wet paper towels.

“I do too,” she said understandingly. And then as fat and as old as I was, she mistook me for one of the dancers and asked my stage name.

“Starlight,” I said just for the hell of it when the name suddenly entered my mind.

I left the bathroom to find the place now dark. Most of the dancers were asleep. One of them asked me a question on the way out, but I ignored it. Instead, I found a clean glass and got a drink of water before I headed outdoors and to who knows where.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6, 2022 My dad would have been 91 years old yesterday if he was still alive.

I got a form to fill out from the shrink, but I’ll do it when he’s awake in case I have questions.

Got my new light blue bra. This is THEE bra and 40DD is my size. Not 44D. I’ll use my Bing and survey points to pay for additional ones. Besides, that will give me time to wear it and really get a feel for it because the other ones started off comfy too. I can still wear the old set. It’s just that I don’t like padding and they’re a little tight. The material just needs to be softened up a bit with fabric softener.

Someone was doing a project in the house someone recently moved into across from Toni. Got a feeling they’re gonna be project junkies. There was no hammering or sawing, though. We’re not sure what they were doing. Maybe having some concrete poured for a walkway?

TUESDAY, APRIL 5, 2022 Just to keep you up to date, I have a virtual appointment with a psychiatrist named Lisa French on the 29th of this month. I did well for 12 days and then on the 30th, the anxiety returned. I have some depression too, and still feel hopeless. Sill feel like I have questions but never any answers and solutions. I still hope it’s just a matter of getting used to the new medication dose and my lady hormones settling in, but I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know that 8 years of going around in circles with this is ridiculous so I made the appointment. I just don’t know if I can be helped. While I’m at it, I have a question for you. Is it OK to take a 10MG CBD gummy before 4 hours after taking my levothyroxine?

The above paragraph was my message to Galileo earlier. I’d been planning to check in with them and give them an update, but I didn’t want to do so without making an appointment first and have them be like, we told you to make the appointment, blah, blah blah.

What I didn’t tell them was that I’m fed up. Honestly, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t make it till I’m 60, let alone another 20 years or so. I just want to get my hands on a bottle of Lorazepam and end it all. I’m tired of suffering.

Tom and I were talking about what might happen to me after I die and whether or not there’s an afterlife and all kinds of things like that. Of all the different theories, I realized that none of us can know anything until we’re gone. I still hope there’s no afterlife at all.

Because it’s so hard for me to believe that Aly wouldn’t send me a sign that she goes on somehow and has a positive influence on my emotional state if she could, it makes me think that there is no afterlife, or she simply can’t. Hell, even my parents would lend a helping hand if they could and wouldn’t want me suffering like this.

Tom brought up an interesting theory about those lights I saw back in Phoenix. Maybe it wasn’t an alien craft but a glimpse into another dimension and time. Maybe even the ghosts some people claim to see are from another place and time.

I sure wonder about those multi-dimensions, alright. Especially with some of the dreams I’ve had. I recently had one where I was thinking about how my parents were 72 and 73 and that I hadn’t contacted them for a while. I thought it would be a good time to send them a letter. It wasn’t so much what happened in the dream that makes me wonder, but how real it felt. Like I was really in some other place and time.

MONDAY, APRIL 4, 2022 If only we could wind back the hands of time and do this room up right. Actually, I should have moved into the other bedroom. That way there would be less space to have to put the soundproofing material on and only one window and one door rather than two windows and three doors. Then, instead of trying to get wallboards or go over the MLV with drywall or something, we should have gone over it with the thick, textured tiles he stuck on his back wall. Then there would be the plugs, vent baffle, solid core door, and the best window money could buy with thick glass. We would probably have to do floors and ceilings as well.

All this may still be done if the storms allow me enough sleep so that I can stay in Florida and the horses are a bust. Well, I don’t know about the storms, but I know the horses are just a dream. This is the second week in a row he lost. He says he just has to “get better” at it, but I know and accept it’s just a fantasy. Just like me hoping to break into the music business way back when. But this time it’s not a devastating thought as it was years ago. We’re not cramped into a dumpy rental in a shitty climate, and it’s not like I haven’t traveled, bought/done things. If we never have extra money or move again, that will be OK as long as we’re healthy and happy. We’ll just switch rooms so we can save money on the soundproofing. The only pain in the ass will be having to come out to use the bathroom when I wake up. But I don’t wanna do anything until I know if I can even stay in the state.

The thing is, my sleep is so cursed that it’s just going to be something or another fucking with it no matter where we go. However, there is a big difference between being woken up a few times a month as opposed to a few times a week, as I learned when we left Auburn. Today was a one-hour power failure.

Although tired, I managed to go to the store just to get out. Got a couple of single caramel pieces that were $0.34 each and a 4-pack of White Merlot. Why not? It doesn’t seem to make me more or less anxious, after all. It can mess with my sleep, but so can everything else in the world. I swear, if it is in an outside source, it’s my own damn body having a nightmare, having to get up to pee, waking up too cold, waking up too hot, etc.

On the way out we saw a possum running along the fence at one end of the park. It was a pretty good size too. I learned that they can get up to 9-13 pounds but they won’t pounce if you run into them as long as they don’t feel cornered or threatened. As with skunks, they’ll try to escape before they go on the attack. They’re so adorably cute.

Just like in the last place, my vibes and my logic are at odds with each other. My logic always said we would leave CH in 2024, but my vibes said otherwise. Because I don’t believe the horses are going to amount to much, my logic says we’ll be here for a long time, maybe even forever. But that’s not what my vibes say. Knowing that my vibes are usually the winner, I wonder if that could be because I’m not going to be able to get any sleep when it’s storming every day.

I just hope DeSantis doesn’t become president no matter where we live. He’d be another Trump for sure. That’s part of why he’s doing all this crazy anti-gay shit. It scores points and therefore votes from all the haters. Biden has turned out to be completely worthless as a prez. He’s just too damn old. I keep hoping he’ll get sick so Kamala can take over. I don’t know that she would be any better, but at least we would have a chance. Really hope they make pot legal nationwide, but when and if that happens, it will be years from now, unfortunately. Really want to try it for my anxiety. If it worked, I wouldn’t give a fuck if I got addicted and became the pothead from hell, nor would I care about the potential side effects like how it fucks with memory and things like that. This is my first calm day after three or four days of anxiety. I still think most of it is on the medication adjustments, or at least I hope so. In a few weeks, I go to the lab. I’m guessing I’m going to be an 11. Still hoping I’ll be able to get under 10, although I still doubt I’ll ever be able to get between 1-4.

SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2022 Forgot to mention yesterday that I finally beat him at golf. It was only by one stroke, but I never thought I’d see the day. Then again, the more you do something, the more you improve. Usually, that’s the case anyway.

Andy’s back to annoying me with the celeb/black shit. I learned a couple of things a long time ago, though. You can’t change people’s minds just by sharing your own POV. Secondly, asking him to stop something does me no good most of the time. I’m learning more and more that it’s best to just ignore annoying people. If it was constantly in my face, that would be different. I don’t know if he just wants to annoy me and gets off on it or what, but I’ve told him enough times that I’m not into celebrities. Plus, he knows we have different opinions where blacks are concerned. It’s a no-brainer. There’s no real mystery here. So why he wants to keep sending me memes related to the Smith/Rock incident at the Oscars is beyond me.

Having a blah night. Totally wish I could snap my fingers and have it be daytime and us on the beach. I have a feeling that would turn off this feeling pretty quickly. Wish I could at least go out and sit on a dock over some canal or something like what my parents had for a while. Part of me is still tempted to run to a shrink, but what could she do for me??? Give me drugs I couldn’t handle. I still have no reason not to believe this isn’t going to be an issue on and off for the rest of my life, so I really have to learn to live with it or end it all. I still plan to give it till I’m 60.

I promised myself a long time ago that I would never give in to delusions and brainwash myself into believing there was a God who loved me and was looking out for me as a means of coping. None of that feel-good shit. Then again, if it would help me, why not? Even if I was kidding myself; if I could make myself believe that this story truly had an ending to it other than death, why not? Why not give myself hope, no matter how false it may be? If I could just tell myself, it’s only until I get adjusted to the new dose and until my hormones fully settle in, and then everything will be fine, and make myself believe it while I was at it, why the hell not?

I dropped the soundproof blanket down by the open side of the bed and covered most of it. Slept with the nature sound up a little louder and added an earplug and no thunder woke me up. Tom said on a scale of 1 to 10, the thunder was a 6 and there were several sessions of it too.

SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 2022 Looks like unless I don’t sleep as late as I want to or the storm hits later than they predict, my sleep is pretty screwed next time around. Therefore, I stuck the small fan on the headboard shelf and dropped the blanket. I just left a little bit of an opening by my head. If it’s anything like last night, I’m screwed either way.

While the doghouse might be a very clever setup, it really is a pain in the ass and I really hope that eventually, wherever the hell we are, we can have the room/windows done. Then again, if we get “deported” from Florida, we’re not gonna need to soundproof to such a degree. If we end up in another park, we will have to do some soundproofing, but if you don’t have storms like this and you’re not where motorcycles are all over the place then we wouldn’t have to really go all out.

If we get green carded, I would rather have the windows and walls done rather than the windows and the bed. Well, the floors and ceilings are likely going to have to be done as well as the room/windows. Plus, we’ll need solid doors. Maybe he and I can swap bedrooms so there’s only one window and less to have to soundproof (if we’re in this house that long). If I got a small waterbed, I could still fit some of the furniture in there, like the tall and long dresser, and just leave him with the nightstands and armoire. First, we just gotta see if I can stay in the state.

Anyway, I’m going to go to bed with the underwater sound a little louder and add an earplug. Yesterday was ferocious and I would have hardly gotten any sleep if I was crashing around the time the storm started. There were a couple of really loud thunderclaps that would definitely have woken me up. I think what’s more important is how loud the thunder gets as opposed to how often. Most of what I heard probably wouldn’t have woken me up. It went on and on for hours and we got tons of rain. It was nice to listen to while I was awake. I was so grateful to be awake too. It just sucks to know that most of the storms are going to occur when I’m sleeping.

I awoke to a beautiful sight across the street… Darren’s house completely empty, LOL. I couldn’t sleep last night and was up forever. Part of it was because I felt so good that I didn’t want the moment to end. While I was lying there in bed at 4:30 in the morning reviewing my Italian on the phone, I heard a car door. So I pulled up the cam and sure enough, there was his truck and trailer and I’m like, OMG, you’ve got to be kidding me! He’s back? Turns out they must have forgotten something because they got whatever it was they needed and then left.

I can just imagine the hours of driving gone to waste! They had to have left somewhere between 9:00 and midnight. I suspected they would spend most of the time on the road at night too, when there was less traffic. They first honked in one in the morning after all. I don’t know how the hell these people can stay up all night when they normally sleep at night, but anyway, they had to have gotten pretty far before they realized they had to come back. I would have been so pissed! Depending on how far into Ontario they’re going and if they take turns driving, it should only take them a couple of days. Then they can enjoy temps in the 20s and 30s. LOL.

I think I’ll drop my cross-country trips for now. I won’t delete them but I’m not gonna bother with them for now. I want to go on shorter rides so I can visit different places in less time and accumulate more coins while I’m at it. I’ve been all over the US just about so I’m not really seeing anything new there, although some of my trips will be in the US. For the most part, I want to ride through different countries and places I’ll likely never go to. I’m halfway through a Brazilian trip right now. Last night I went to Tunisia and OMG, what a scummy place! Trash everywhere, rundown buildings galore.

Had a weird chat with Andy last night. He said he was discussing Facebook and privacy with his sister when she Googled him and found all kinds of pictures of his that are private. What made it weird was that when I Googled him, I didn’t find anything on him.

I hate the new Waterpik because it’s hard to control. Tom’s going to use it. Instead, I just ordered new heads for the old one.

I’m trying a different style of bra. Because I’m so big, it’s hard to get something really comfortable. Instead of a lightly padded wireless bra, I’m getting a wired bra with no padding. Of course, it isn’t until after I ordered this thing that I find a racerback bra. Oh well. I put it in the Save for Later section for another time.

I’m also getting sick of magnesium capsules I can’t swallow and having to break them open, so I ordered some in tablet form.

The gummies aren’t helping much. I took one earlier because I felt the anxiety picking up, but it didn’t get as bad as a couple of days ago when I took my last 88.

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Fics That Start With Y Masterlist

Yesterday’s Feelings (ao3) - stelleshine luke/calum, calum/ofc, michael/ashton E, 70k

Summary: Calum Hood, 29, sits down to write his vows for his upcoming wedding. Inspiration is hard to find, and a (not so) subtle suggestion from his best friend, Michael Clifford, opens a door to his past he realizes he never really shut.

OR

Calum is engaged to be married, but the sudden reappearance of his ex puts everything into question.

you are an angel (or maybe you could’ve been) (ao3) - ashisonthefloor luke/ashton, michael/calum G, 18k

Summary: Luke is Ashton’s guardian angel, and he’s had enough of having to watch from a distance, so he comes down to meet him officially. problem is, he doesn’t really know how to seem human.

You Are The Moon That Breaks The Night (ao3) - thesoulsailor calum/ashton, michael/luke E, 120k

Summary: a drunk walk home is destined to change Ashton’s life forever.

You Gon’ Have To Do It At My Tempo (ao3) - senioritastyles ot4 E, 4k

Summary: The boys have a competition to see who gets to touch Luke first.

You just want attention (ao3) - vasattope (rachelsheart) luke/ashton E, 3k

Summary: (Inspired by Luke’s latest Instagram post and especially that photo of him in thigh-high boots).

you keep eternity (ao3) - merlypops luke/ashton, michael/calum E, 77k

Summary: Luke crashes into Ashton’s life like a shooting star, Calum shows Michael that he’s still beautiful, and maybe things don’t feel so dark anymore.

You’ll Be Stuck On It Cause My Love’s So Good (ao3) - senioritastyles luke/ashton E, 15k

Summary: “How was it? How was it, Ash? Was it fun? Did you throw the ball? Was it awesome? Did they-”

“Lu, too many questions.” Ashton chuckles, petting at Luke’s hair as he moves his awkwardly growing fourteen year old body towards the backyard with his twelve year old best friend and neighbor close behind him.

Ashton sits on the warm grass, tossing his shoulder pads and helmet to the side and kicking his muddy cleats off, turning to look at Luke’s tanned face and they way it makes his eyes look an even brighter blue than normal. Luke looks anxious to know about Ashton’s first football practice, brimming with so many questions that they’d probably be here all night if Ashton let Luke keep asking, and he knows it’s only because this is the first thing that Ashton’s done without Luke in pretty much forever and that Luke’s curious because he wants to play football too. Luke isn’t old enough for the town league yet though, and he won’t be for two more years so right now he’s stuck with living vicariously through Ashton.

Or: Luke and Ashton are football buddies until they’re not and then they are again and then they’re not and—okay, you get it.

You On Top Got Me Feeling On Your Booty (Give Me That Sugar With The Sweet Talk) (ao3) - Migs luke/calum E, 3k

Summary: Luke is a camboy and Calum is his bodyguard.

you own me, you rattle my bones (ao3) - iambic_pulse michael/luke/ashton E, 15k

Summary: Kink meme prompt: Luke wants to be used, roughed up and degraded but he also wants to be caressed and comforted and told how beautiful and good and perfect he is. At the same time. That’s how he ends up with two doms: Ashton to treat him rough and Michael to comfort and encourage him with gentle kisses and sweet nothings.

You’re Place Is Home To Me (ao3) - fckmuke michael/luke N/R, 3k

Summary: Luke is fed up with Michael giving him shit and it just goes down from there.

you’re lucky if your memory remains (ao3) - orphan_account michael/calum, minor luke/ashton E, 15k

Summary: “Calum’s frame is so small and frail, Michael feels like he might turn to dust if touched. His usually amber brown skin is now pale and ghostly, wrapping around his bones like a thin sheet of snow. He reminds Michael of the paper flower he gave the boy when they were younger; fragile, crumpled, and barely holding himself together.”   Calum’s gone, and Michael can’t forget him even if he tried.

you’re my honeysuckle rose (ao3) - merlypops Luke/Ashton E, 8k

Summary: Ash and Lu have been in love with each other for a long time, and they just want to be together.

You’re the Minnie to My Mickey (ao3) - Larrys_Fairy luke/ashton G, 7k

Summary: Luke and Ashton’s 1 year anniversary is coming up and Luke wants to do something special. He calls one of his best friends who promises to help as long as Luke can 'grow a pair and tell your boyfriend how you feel.’

Your Eyes Are Cooler Than My Beating Heart (ao3) - CliffordAffliction michael/luke E, 64k

Summary: Michael is a demon who somehow makes Luke want to die and live all at the same time

your string of lights is still bright to me (ao3) - merlypops michael/calum, bryana/ashton, luke/omc E, 81k

Summary: Michael is struggling to be the father his daughters need. Until he meets Calum again.

You Saved Me (ao3) - CliffordAffliction luke/ashton M, 5k

Summary: After a boy from school causes harm to Luke Ashton's protective instincts kick in and all he wants to do is make sure Luke feels safe and loved

you say you didn’t know, i wonder why you didn’t ask? (ao3) - hideforalifetime michael/luke T, 15k

Summary: Luke and Michael have been best friends since elementary school, moving out of the country all alone, but together for college, getting through all the highs and lows of adulting together. There’s never been a person who knows them that doesn’t refer to them as “Luke and Michael”. Always paired, and if one’s without the other, questions are immediately asked. Hell, some people automatically assume they’re dating, and he hurriedly corrects them. But deep down, Luke doesn’t want to. He doesn’t know when his brain made the transition of looking at Michael as a friend to someone he’d want as more than a friend, but it’s true. Sometimes, when he stares at Michael’s choppy, often dishevelled blue hair, he feels like-

(You’ve Got) Something I Need (ao3) - orphan_account michael/luke E, 14k

Summary: Michael wouldn’t say he was jealous. He totally was. But he definitely wouldn’t say it.

you’ve got stars, they’re in your eyes (ao3) - lifewasradical luke/calum T, 10k

Summary: Calum leaves 5 Seconds of Summer.

You Were a Window to a World (ao3) - reversecow michael/luke N/R, 11k

Summary: Luke’s flight from Edinburgh to London gets cancelled, and with it, his hopes of meeting his family for Christmas. He’s ready to go back to his student housing for a lonely holiday when a stranger saves the day. Unfortunately, due to the snowstorm, it takes much longer than expected to get where they need to go. Hours alone in the car and a night in a bed and breakfast leaves Luke with one burning question in the back of his mind; Why is Michael alone for Christmas?

[pritishsblog]

BEST DIRECTORS IN CINEMA- 7

Hi everyone! This blog is going to be the 7th part of 8 part series of who I think is the Best Directors Cinema has ever seen

And today I will be talking about

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Alfred Hitchcock (born August 13, 1899, London, England died April 29, 1980, Bel Air, California, U.S.) was an English-born American motion-picture director whose suspenseful films and television programs won immense popularity and critical acclaim over a long and tremendously productive career. His films are marked by a macabre sense of humour and a somewhat bleak view of the human condition.

(Early Life)

Hitchcock grew up in London’s East End in a milieu once haunted by the notorious serial killer known as Jack the Ripper, talk of whom was still current in Hitchcock’s youth two decades later. Although he had two siblings, he recalled his youth as a lonely one, with a father who was a stern disciplinarian; it is said that he once ordered Alfred to appear at the local police station with a note saying that he had been misbehaving, whereupon the sergeant on duty (at the request of Hitchcock’s father) locked him up for a few minutes, a sufficient length of time to give Alfred a fear of enclosed spaces and a strong concern for wrongful imprisonment, both of which would figure in his later work. When he was not being disciplined, he was cosseted by an overly watchful mother, who used food as a balm—to which he would later trace his trademark paunch.Hitchcock went to St. Ignatius College before attending the London County Council School of Marine Engineering and Navigation in 1913–14. He worked in the sales department at W.T. Henley’s Telegraph Works Company until 1918, when he moved to the advertising department. Giving in to his artistic side, Hitchcock enrolled at the University of London in 1916 to take drawing and design classes.

(His Famous Works)

A string of successful films followed, including Rebecca (1940), Foreign Correspondent (1940), Suspicion (1941), Shadow of a Doubt (1943) and Notorious (1946). Rebecca won the Academy Award for Best Picture, with Hitchcock nominated as Best Director.He also received Oscar nominations for Lifeboat (1944), Spellbound (1945), Rear Window (1954) and Psycho (1960). Hitchcock's other notable films include Rope (1948), Strangers on a Train (1951), Dial M for Murder (1954), To Catch a Thief (1955), The Trouble with Harry (1955), Vertigo (1958), North by Northwest (1959), The Birds (1963) and Marnie (1964), all of which were also financially successful and are highly regarded by film historians

(Filmmaking Style)

The "Hitchcockian" style includes the use of editing and camera movement to mimic a person's gaze, thereby turning viewers into voyeurs, and framing shots to maximise anxiety and fear. The film critic Robin Wood wrote that the meaning of a Hitchcock film 'is there in the method, in the progression from shot to shot. A Hitchcock film is an organism, with the whole implied in every detail and every detail related to the whole.'

(His Filmography)

Hitchcock made his directorial debut with a silent movie named Number 13 which is rumored to be lost. He has made more than 20 silent movies including Number 13 (1922),Always Tell Your Wife (1923),The Pleasure Garden (1925) and etc.

He has made more than 40 sound films including Blackmail (1929),An Elastic Affair (1930),Juno and Peacock (1930),Murder (1930). Some of his most famous movies which are still praised are Vertigo (1958),Psycho (1960),The Birds (1963). The last movie which he directed before his death was Family Plot (1976)

Hitchcock's star on Hollywood Walk of Fame

English Heritage Plague at 153 Cromwell Road, London

(Awards & Honors)

His movies have won 2 Golden Globe Awards, 8 Laurel Awards, 5 Lifetime Achievement Awards. His movie Rebecca was also nominated for 11 Academy Awards winning the Best Picture Award. His movies are now housed in Academy Film Archive in Hollywood,California. 9 of his films have selected for preservation by the US National Film Registry.

(Sources)

And that's it for this part folks, I'll meet you with the last and final part of this series. Until then

CIAO

[uncle-fruity]

I was 29 when I started T. Still haven't gotten top surgery, and I'm not sure if I want it/if it's worth the money & recovery time for me. But I'm not stressed that it'll never happen for me or that I'm missing out on something by taking my time to figure out my priorities & needs.

I cannot stress enough how contorted people's concept of aging is - especially younger folks. If you're under 20 and you think it's too late for you, just know that you have decades ahead of you. If you can't transition for any reason at all (transphobic parents, absurd waiting periods, etc), you aren't losing a race. I'm not saying it's fair, but it isn't the end of the world. 25 isn't old. 30 isn't old. You aren't "old" until you're 65 AT LEAST. That's over double the life you've already lived. And 65 is by no means the end of the line. Many folks live well into their 70s & 80s -- some into their late 90s!

I beg y'all to just take a deep breath and don't feel like it's all over if you can't do every bit of transition you want before you're 18 or 20. There is so much life left. And, aside from hormone blockers, there's no time limit on any of it. The HRT will work just as well at 18 as it will at 30. The top surgery will still be there 20 years from now. And, historically, there are many trans people for whom transition was impossible or had to come later in life. I think it's unwise to devalue their experiences.

I know there's a lot of peer pressure to just get on with it, but I'm here to tell you that while you shouldn't *have to* wait if you know the kind of transition you want to undergo, your transition isn't any less valid if it happens later than you thought it should. It's okay to take your time & decide exactly what you want. It's okay to be mad at external forces (like medical institutions) slowing you down. But don't let anyone tell you that you're missing an important time frame, because you're not. Any timeframe is a good one, if that's when it happens.

The conversation of when is too late to medically transition is coming round again, which it does periodically, but I have never really resonated with the phrase "it's only too late when you're dead" before. But now I realise it is so incredibly true. It fucking sucks to wait, seeing everyone around you start medically transitioning sooner and faster than you is so disheartening. I came out at 11 and tried to start hormones, I've been on the NHS waiting list for years and I desperately tried to convince my transphobic parents, I tried to get a job to pay for it etc. So it wasn't for lack of trying that things happened as they happened and I didn't start hormones until I was 18.

For 7 years I watched everyone around me transition and it felt like I was running out of time. Whenever the conversation came around about when was too late to transition I always thought to myself "its too late for me". Still these days I feel like I'm running out of time for top surgery. I have been binding ever day for 7/8 years and I'm kinda coming to the end of my rope with it, every day it's just a little harder to bind, which is devastating. I don't know what I'll do when I can't bind anymore but for me at the moment surgery is prohibitively expensive and I'm not in a safe environment to get it. I'm looking into alternatives like trans tape (but I do have a larger chest).

ANYWAY I do understand when ur in the moment of waiting that it feels like you are running out of time, my life didn't even feel like it started until I was on testosterone. A few months in after seeing some changes and finally being convinced it was real and not just hand sanitiser I finally took my first breath tbh and I have not looked back since. But before starting it was just a waiting game and I thought I'd be too old for there to be any differences which is silly really because people start in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond.

Its only too late to transition when you're dead also applies to coming out. Not everyone "always knew" not everyone had the language or ability to express themselves at 3 years old, not everyone understood or thought about gender aged 3. People come out as kids and teens and young adults but people also come out at every stage of life.

I don't admire Caitlyn Jenner by any means but she was 65 when she came out

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/jul/16/we-really-are-trailblazers-coming-out-as-trans-in-later-life

Article about people transitioning later in life ^

It really is only too late when you're dead

[ancestorsofjudah]

1 Kings 6: 29-38. "Parental Guidance."

The Temple Walls

29 On the walls all around the temple, in both the inner and outer rooms, he carved cherubim, palm trees and open flowers. 30 He also covered the floors of both the inner and outer rooms of the temple with gold.

31 For the entrance to the inner sanctuary he made doors out of olive wood that were one fifth of the width of the sanctuary.

The walls around the Temple consists of the flesh, adorned by two Cherubim, one is thee the other is thine. In the former frame, one was God one was your mother, at times, it was your mother and yourself, now it is oneself and some other. Some of us will be the Palm Tree and others the Open Flower.

The Torah says around 20 years of age, one can open the doors to the temple and let the other in, after the Fifth Day or one Fifth of the time it took for God to make it.

All violence and attityude must be exhausted from the mind, the heart, the behavior, all delusions about life by this time. The reason the doors are made of olive wood is they open up into peace on earth through the initiation of coupling.

Couplings of all sort are observed by large numbers of people at weddings because they give the world hope that all the dreams and fantasies about the end of world have no final hold over us. Weddings are a huge relief.

They begin on the Fifth Day, but they feel like they are going to last forever. This is why the Tanakh says they hammer out the ore of time and turn it into the intertwined angels:

32 And on the two olive-wood doors he carved cherubim, palm trees and open flowers, and overlaid the cherubim and palm trees with hammered gold.

33 In the same way, for the entrance to the main hall he made doorframes out of olive wood that were one fourth of the width of the hall.

The Fourth Letter, Dalet, is synonymous with the Doorpost, past which persons of means leave alms for the poor, and the poor partake. It is a sign of the alchemy God works from within the temple in terms of the distribution of the sacred and the material wealth in the world.

Obviously if one surpasses the Fourth Day and enters the Fifth and can partake of the Forbidden Fruit one is nearing the end of aspects of one's poverty and giving up of one's wealth through an harmonious union.

The value In Gematria Is 8293. ח‎באג‎‎, ha-bag, "Welcome to the House of Together."

=How Long Will You Destroy Yourselves Before You Accept Love As The Way.

34 He also made two doors out of juniper wood, each having two leaves that turned in sockets. 35 He carved cherubim, palm trees and open flowers on them and overlaid them with gold hammered evenly over the carvings.

=Once the marriage is complete, the "leaves" the living parts of the tree must turn in their sockets, ie turn colors with the seasons and endure until the end of their time.

The presence of the Cherubs, the palm trees and the open flowers mean the fantasy that brought the doomed couple together should last as long as possible.

36 And he built the inner courtyard of three courses of dressed stone and one course of trimmed cedar beams.

=unity, agreement, simplicity= one course for two lifetimes.

37 The foundation of the temple of the Lord was laid in the fourth year, in the month of Ziv.

Ziv/4=

Ziv= the month of blossoming, year four= Shabbat*.

*Four Years imply Four Walls with a Center that brings order to the rest=Shabbat.

All weddings take place in the same month on the same day.

38 In the eleventh year in the month of Bul, the eighth month, the temple was finished in all its details according to its specifications. He had spent seven years building it.

Seven years= Gaza, the creation of the Refuge.

Bul/11 = "The One Who Observes What God Produced During Infinite Union."

*The Gematria for 11 is "Ted" short for "Theodore" one of God's names.

=People like getting married. The startling conclusion of the process of finding someone to spend all one's days with is the single most important preoccupation of human being that has ever lived on this earth. Without the ability to freely and happily couple it is devoid of a significant amount of meaning.

The Gematria therefore states all tensions around the subject of marriage are to come to an end.

Unless one has the ability to partner, sovereignty, which resides on the penis anus floor of the Royal Palace is not conferred by the Holy Ghost.