#youll fail yourself and eventually others

[donghuamuqing]

Why does byler have yumihisu swag

[manicpixiedckgirl]

if you're a perfectionist, and you're trans -

and not the kind of perfectionist they show on TV where you just spend an outrageously long time getting every detail right, enjoying yourself the whole time, but the kind of perfectionist where you practice something over and over and over again before ever doing it in front of other people because you'd rather die than be seen failing -

you're going to need to learn how to be very patient and very kind with yourself during transition, especially the early years. Like any puberty, there are going to be awkward periods - that's unavoidable. youll have too much hair where you dont want it, too little where you do. you'll need to learn your new voice, whether it's dropping on it's own or you're trying to raise it. you'll walk different, stand different, because your body is going to be different. your wardrobe is going shrink and grow and shrink again and then explode.

you need to be okay with growing as a person, over time. with changing your style, changing your mannerisms, changing your habits - and with things not working. you don't know how to do this, not yet, and you're going get it wrong sometimes. that's okay. nobody knows what to do, ever. there's going to be so much happiness when you do get something right. and you're going learn so many new skills, discover new hobbies, new fashions, new artforms. you'll figure it all out eventually, to the point where you wake up and it's not hard anymore.

but you're going to have to try these things around other people a lot of the time, to exist in the world with any sort of life (which is the point btw. go out. make a friend. touch grass), but also, to know if they're working, and if you even really like doing them at all. maybe you're not as femme or masc as you thought you were - maybe it's just too much work to do that everyday. you'll have fashion years, and rotting years - you'll probably settle somewhere in between. but you'll go through phases, and you'll think your old ones were cringe, just like you did before - transition isn't going to fix that. your inner critic will start to shut up when you start be nice to yourself, HRT won't do that for you.

but the people in your life, the ones who matter, will love and respect you regardless. they just want to see you smile, see you happy. they think you're fine as you are, and want to know who you'll be tomorrow. it's not actually a competition, and no one's watching anyway. they're too busy with their own shit to notice most of the time.

and by being kinder to yourself, you might even end up as a slightly less tightly wound ball of anxiety. idk if you'll ever drop the constant self-judgement, i haven't gotten that far yet. but you'll learn to take your flowers, every once in a while - let your girlfriend call you pretty and stop arguing with her - hear a friend say thank you, and say 'anytime' instead of 'no problem', because you want them to know that you'll help whenever they need it, not just when it's no effort. anyway. maybe this is just a note to myself. goodbye. i love you. good luck, you got this

[burgersnacksformax]

Completely self-indulgent headcanons of soft domestic Sugimoto Saichi

I was just thinking "i think he'd be really nice and warm to cuddle" and then i ended up coming up w an entire list of headcanons so take them

Also gender neutral reader

Sugimoto would let you borrow his clothes anytime. Literally just ask.

He's confused about it the first time like "are all your clothes dirty or something ?"

but if you ask enough it just becomes routine where he offers his coat and scarf to you when he's not wearing it

And if you keep saying yes each time, he just tosses his coat and scarf at you every time he changes. Like absentmindedly

Literally you'd be doing your own thing and you'd get pelted by it

Youre not complaining though

He starts to find your scent comforting too, but he cant borrow your clothes because they absolutely will not fit him as comfortably as they fit you, but he still likes to hold your sweater / jacket when youre not around

Also whenever you cook he'll always savour it, even if you don't think it's that good it'll still always put a smile on his face

But if anything he actually prefers to cook with you

He tries to learn all your favourite dishes and wants to make them with you

And of course you will end up eating his cooking too

Something something food tastes better when you share it with your loved ones

Sometimes when he cooks for / with you, you have no clue what youre about to put in your mouth

Cause he eventually started to mix recipes he learned from Asirpa with other recipes from around japan, and then started dabbling in cuisine across the world.

Half the time you dont even know what it is, just that it tastes good

Also if you fall asleep anywhere thats not a bed you will always ALWAYS without fail wake up on a bed comfortably under a blanket.

And if you have any favourite stuffed animals, guess what you'll be waking up to beside you

Sugimoto never brings it up, he's always just like "you seemed tired, did you rest well ?" as if you magically teleported to the bed yourself

ALSO SUGIMOTO SNUGGLE BUDDY !

he is very warm, after all the time he's spent in Hokkaido winters he's like a personal heater. Youll never be cold again

and if somehow youre still cold, he'll cuddle you under a blanket till youve warmed up.

But sometimes he gets so cozy holding you close that he just. Falls asleep.

But the heater (sugimoto) is getting too warm.

But he looks so comfortable and you wouldnt wanna move and wake him up, would you ?

So you just awkwardly kick the blanket off of you in hopes that youll cool down a little

This is a routine occurrence

Also sometimes he starfishes when he sleeps but literally you do not care even if it takes up the whole bed because it means ! Time for him to be a pillow !

he's always very careful not to cross your boundaries, to the point where you have to remind him that he doesnt have to be so tense.

He just wants to make sure youre always comfortable around him

he will always ALWAYS stand up for you

Whether he's standing up against a person or proving your own bad thoughts wrong

He really cares about you and wants to do anything in his power to make sure you're alright

I cannot stress enough how selfless this man is. Like it worries you sometimes, he'll always check in on you and make sure youre comfortable and fed and alright, and you always ask the same questions in return

And if hes ever not taking proper care of himself ? You always make sure to remind and help him with that

Sometimes he causally says a really concerning thing that happened in the past and you have to ask if he's okay

He's always really grateful of how much you care about him

Sugimoto doesnt always know what to say when you vent to him, but he's a good listener and will do whatever you ask to help you feel better

whether its cradling you in his arms, getting you tissues or water, or taking you somewhere quiet. he really cares and just wants to help

he'll always comfort you regarding your fears, whether its something big like fear of death or something smaller like a fear of bugs

he'll always try and support you when something scares or upsets you

and yes if you are socially anxious he will order things for you dont worry

Also, sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night to him twitching or talking in his sleep

You grew quite accustomed to being able to tell if its a normal dream or a nightmare

But if he's having a nightmare, youd know to wake him up, and youd always comfort and hold him till he manages to fall asleep again

Also sometimes you would cup his cheeks in your palms and admire him, but it took you by surprise the first time he did it back !

He found your flustered reaction cute and proceeded to continue doing it sometimes

Nose kisses ! Forehead kisses ! Cheek kisses !

Oh and he absolutely cannot help you with your homework but he provides moral support and is consistently in awe by how much you know, even if you dont feel like your knowledge is anything special

You also buy him hair conditioner.

Now his hair is soft and smells good.

He does not understand why youre obsessed with his hair after the conditioner until he makes you try it and now you are both obsessed with each others hair. Good work

That's all I have for now, huge props to my friend for letting me spam him with these ideas. If you're reading this, I hope you have a comfortable day and remember to relax your body if there's any stiffness

Take care <3

[krabmeat]

☊⏃⋏ ⟟ ⏚⟒ ⟒⋏⎅⟒⍀⋔⏃⋏ ⏃⋏⍜⋏? ⏃⋏⊬⍙⏃⊬⌇ ⋏⍜⍙ ⏁⊑⏃⏁'⌇ ⏃⌰⌰ ⍜⎍⏁ ⍜⎎ ⏁⊑⟒ ⍙⏃⊬. ☌⍜⎅ ⍀⟒⏃⎅⟒⍀ ☌⟒⏁⏁⟟⋏☌ ⍀⟒⎐⟟⎐⟒⎅ ⎍⋏⟒⌖⌿⟒☊⏁⟒⎅⌰⊬ ⏚⊬ ⎅⍀⟒⏃⋔? ⟟⏁'⌇ ⌰⟟☍⟒ - ⏃ ⍀⟒⏃⌰⌰⊬ ⏚⏃⎅⏃⌇⌇ ⏃⋏⏁⏃☌⍜⋏⟟⌇⏁ ☌⍜⎅ ⏁⊑⏃⏁ ☌⟒⏁⌇ ⌿⎍⌰⌰⟒⎅ ⍜⎍⏁ ⍜⎎ ⏁⊑⟒ ⎍⋏⎅⟒⍀⍙⍜⍀⌰⎅, ☊⏃⌰⌰⟟⋏☌ ⎅⍀⟒⏃⋔ ⏁⊑⟒⟟⍀ "⌇⏃⎐⟟⍜⎍⍀" (⏚⎍⏁ ⟟⋏ ⏃ ⋔⍜⍀⟒ ⌇⏃⏁⟟⍀⟟☊⏃⌰ ⍙⏃⊬ ⟟⋏⌇⏁⟒⏃⎅ ⍜⎎ ☌⟒⋏⎍⟟⋏⟒⌰⊬ ⌇⟒⟒⟟⋏☌ ⏁⊑⟒ ⋔⏃⌇☍⟒⎅ ⋔⏃⋏ ⏃⌇ ⏁⊑⟒⟟⍀ ⊑⟒⍀⍜ ☊⏃⎍⌇⟒ ⟟⋏ ⏁⊑⟒ ⌿⏃⌇⏁ ⏁⊑⟒⊬'⎐⟒ ⋔⍜⌇⏁ ⌰⟟☍⟒⌰⊬ ☊⏃⌰⌰⟒⎅ ⟒⎐⟒⍀⊬⍜⋏⟒ ⏁⊑⏃⏁ ⊑⟒⌰⌿⟒⎅ ⏁⊑⟒⋔ ⏁⊑⟒⟟⍀ ⋔⟟☌⊑⏁⊬ ⊑⟒⌰⌿⟒⍀ ⏁⍜ ⏁⊑⟒ ⌿⍜⟟⋏⏁ ⍙⊑⟒⍀⟒ ⏁⊑⟒ ⏁⟟⏁⌰⟒ ⎎⟒⟒⌰⌇ ⍜⎐⟒⍀⎍⌇⟒⎅ ⏃⋏⎅ ⎍⋏⎅⟒⌇⟟⍀⏃⏚⌰⟒). ⏁⊑⟒⊬ ⍀⍜⏃⋔⟒⎅ ⏁⊑⟒ ⌰⏃⋏⎅⌇ ⍜⎎ ⏁⊑⟒ ⌇⋔⌿, ⏚⍀⟟⋏☌⟟⋏☌ ⏁⟒⍀⍀⍜��� ⏃⋏⎅ ⊑⟒⌰⌰⎎⟟⍀⟒ ⏃☊⍀⍜⌇⌇ ⏁⊑⟒ ⍜⎐⟒⍀⍙⍜⍀⌰⎅, ⌰⟒⏁⏁⟟⋏☌ ⏁⊑⟒⟟⍀ ☍⟒⌿⏁ ⟟⋏ ⍀⏃☌⟒ ⌇⏁⍀⍜⌰⌰ ⎎⍀⟒⟒. ⏁⊑⟒⊬ ⟒⋏⎅ ⎍⌿ ⟟⋏ ⏁⊑⟒ ⏁⎍⋏⎅⍀⏃, ⏁⊑⟒ ⏚⎍⍀⋏⟟⋏☌ ⎎⌰⏃☍⟒⌇ ⍜⎎ ⏃⌇⊑⟒⌇ ☌⟒⏁⏁⟟⋏☌ ⌰⍜⌇⏁ ⟟⋏ ⏁⊑⟒ ⊑⏃⍀⌇⊑ ⌿⟟⌰⟒⌇ ⍜⎎ ⌇⋏⍜⍙. ⏁⊑⟒⊬ ⊑⏃⌿⌿⟒⋏⟒⎅ ⏁⍜ ⊑⏃⎐⟒ ⌇⏁⎍⋔⏚⌰⟒⎅ ⎍⌿⍜⋏ ⏁⊑⟒ ☊⍜⏁⏁⏃☌⟒⌇ ⍜⎎ ⏁⍙⍜ ⟟⋔⋔⍜⍀⏁⏃⌰ ☌⍜⎅⌇ ⏁⊑⏃⏁ ⏁⊑⟒⊬ ⋔⏃⊬ ⍜⍀ ⋔⏃⊬ ⋏⍜⏁ ⊑⏃⎐⟒ ⎍⌇⟒⎅ ⏁⍜ ☍⋏⍜⍙. ⍙⍜⋏⎅⟒⍀ ⍙⊑⏃⏁'⌰⌰ ⊑⏃⌿⌿⟒⋏? ⟟ ⍙⍜⎍⌰⎅ ⌰⟟☍⟒ ⏁⍜ ⌇⟒⟒ ⊬⍜⎍⍀ ⏁⏃☍⟒ ⟟⋏ ⏁⊑⟟⌇.

- ⟒⋏⎅⟒⍀⋔⏃⋏ ⏃⋏⍜⋏

𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚋𝚎𝚗𝚝

𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜: philza, techno, Wilbur,(next few only mentioned)Mexican dream, schlatt, dream

𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚜: they/them

𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: fire, death, arson, betrayal mention, being used, reference to drugs, slight cursing

𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜: translation vvvvv

Can i be enderman anon? anyways now that's all out of the way. God reader getting revived unexpectedly by dream? it's like - a really badass antagonist god that gets pulled out of the underworld, calling dream their "saviour" (but in a more satirical way instead of genuinely seeing the masked man as their hero cause in the past they've most likely called everyone that helped them their mighty helper to the point where the title feels overused and undesirable). They roamed the lands of the smp, bringing terror and hellfire across the overworld, letting their kept in rage stroll free. They end up in the tundra, the burning flakes of ashes getting lost in the harsh piles of snow. They happened to have stumbled upon the cottages of two immortal gods that they may or may not have used to know. Wonder what'll happen? i would like to see your take in this.

 - enderman anon

AHHH IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I DONT KNOW IF YOULL EVEN READ THIS STILL BUT TY FOR THE REQUEST IT ISNT THE BEST QUALITY IM SORRY :[[[

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You almost don't recognize the sensation of grass against your calloused and rough hands. You were in the void playing solitaire with Schlatt and Mexican Dream, and the next thing you knew you were suddenly pulled harshly by the back of your collar, falling on your spine. The looming mask of Dream is what stood above you, but he looked different. Longer hair, smelly, wearing a stained lime green jumpsuit with ‘0001' sewn into it and covered in cuts, scars and bruises. But before you could even question why Dream was suddenly there, he stepped back into the void, the void slowly surrounding and consuming him the further he went backwards. His now bony hand is still tightly gripped onto the back of your shirt, so while struggling your body is also enveloped in darkness. All it took was one blink and there you were on a patch of grass, staring at the pale blue sky.

"Huh."

Was all that came out of your mouth. You were still shocked at the turn of events that just happened, but no longer grounded. A running river nearby stunned your senses. How long had you been dead? It felt like years, but when you look around at the familiar forest you died in, not much had changed except for a couple newly planted saplings here and there. The swirling ashes you remembered before you died had all settled and compressed into the soil.

The river showed a strange reflection of yourself- your features have clearly sunken into your skull and there's a streak of white hair coming from your scalp along with words in fancy gold letters on your arm reading,

"May thy woes and hurt of the past no longer eradicate the upwards of this lost souls future. Allow thine to be praised by Ender themselves and be granted another chance at mortality."

Scrubbing or picking at your arm did nothing, so onwards you went walking along the forest to what you remember being a bustling "community".

Each mound of dirt you saw only brought memories of your death, of the place and people who sought to treat you like you were disposable. And now that you’re alive, you hate that they technically ended up being right. Your death; alone in a forest. Running away from the unexpected attacker, ashamed and too prideful to die in the prying eyes of your enemies. It fills you with rage, all the lives taken by your hands and for what? You weren’t overreacting, you knew that for sure. And before you knew it, you stole some fresh flint and steel from a random chest and got to work. 

You had always wanted to touch the fires you set. The soothing feeling you got from watching wood burn to char and ashes satisfied you. And it made it all the more euphoric to know it was trees of your manipulator's land. Running across the land, with flames as far as you could see when you looked behind you. The heat swirled around your neck and went into your nose, but the feeling was muscle memory at that point. You were still riding your high when a voice reached out to you, luckily when you were finally calm.

"What- Y/n? Hold on, is that really you Y/n..?"

You spin on your heels to the familiar manipulative British voice of a person you haven't seen in a long time. 

"Wilbur?! Man, I haven't seen another person's face other than those two addicts in a while- you look different." 

His eyes much like yours are sunken deep into his skull, purple-pink bags under his eyes and dull skin. Wilburs shocked lips fade into an opened mouth smile when he walks up to you with his hands momentarily confused on what they should do. Eventually, his right hand settles on clasping your left shoulder, giving it a friendly squeeze.

“Y/n it is so good to see you! You look quite different yourself, wouldn’t you think-? Oh, look! We’re matching!”

The grey streak in your hair seems to make another appearance when Wilbur briefly smacks it with his middle and pointer finger. 

“Ay, it’s nice to see you too Wil, but back up for a second alright? I've got something to ask you by the way…”

Wilburs head peaks in interest, urging you to go on.

“I’m guessing that little streak in your hair wasn’t a fashion choice- and if it was it’s a bit strange- but how’d you get it? You died when you blew up L’manburg! I mean c'mon, people don’t just, well…REVIVE!”

He starts to walk. You aren’t quite sure where, but stumbling along with Wilbur while his arm is draped lazily atop your shoulders seems to suffice. 

“Ahh Y/n, you’d be surprised. The most WONDERFUL thing happened, actually! Years and years in my hell of a train station; do you know who was at the subway door when it finally opened, Y/n? Dream!”

“Wh- Dream?!”

Appalled, you try to stop in your tracks but fail when wilburs arm is still pushing forward. His storytelling voice dies down to curiosity and excitement.

“Wait, did he save you too? He did, didn’t he? Oh, this is wonderful!”

Wilbur emits eagerism and you suddenly realize what you could do with his desperacy to be socially accepted. Putting on the most exaggerated and animated voice, you speak. 

“Oh my god yeah! Gosh, that Dream guy is my hero! Thanks to him, I get to have another chance at living again, and isn’t that just…swell.”

In all honesty you didn’t really try hard to sound sincere but by the look of Wilbur, it seemed to work just fine. 

“Right?! I’ve been meaning to visit him in the prison if you’d like to tag along with me the day I go? I’m sure he’d love to see you, since he revived you and all.”

Oh, you were sure Dream wanted to see you. He wants a boon- a trade. Why else would he revive two of the most historically significant people on the server if not to make some sort of deal with them? Sure, Wilbur is as gullible and carefree as ever but you at least still had scraps of mental stability and level-headedness that made you all the more a force to be reckoned with. Not to mention Wilbur doesn’t know that Dream killed you, but telling him that now would blow your act. You decide to keep your thoughts to yourself.

“Yeahh, sure! I’d love to go, just tell me when.”

And that’s the end of that conversation. The two of you walk to wherever Wilbur is going. It honestly surprised you how he couldn’t see through your apathy. From what you remembered, he was keen on being wise about people and their intentions but you guess years and years in hell do things to a person.

Somehow, you’re stuck in your mind for long enough that only now do you feel the sharp winter air making the hairs on your arms and legs stand straight up. 

“Wait, snow?”

The tundra was a drastic contrast to the void you were once in with schlatt and Mexican Dream. Instead of black as far as you could see, it was a blinding powdery white. 

‘Mexican Dream would’ve liked it here, probably would have tried to snort the snow like coke.’

You weren’t built for the snow, though. Hell- you didn’t even have a memory of anyone living in a tundra when you were alive! Why was Wilbur even in the tundra? You didn’t have the energy to ask, still feeling brittle and tired, back aching from laying on the dry dirt longer than expected earlier. 

“Yeah, just figured I’d show you around! Plus I already need to grab a couple things from an ender chest and this was the closest by. I’m a very busy man, after all.”

But why were there so many footprints in the snow? As far as you knew, Wilbur was the only one who lived out in the tundra- and he didn’t seem like the active type at all. There were strange shapes as well, large hooved footprints. However, all thinking comes to a halt at the same time Wilbur does.

“We’re here! You might see some familiar faces cause I live with people.”

Well, that answers the footsteps as well as the tall red-caped piglin hybrid giving leftover bones and raw meat to a polar bear.

“TECHNO! TECHNO, HEY!”

He tenses up for a second, you could tell he wanted to be left alone but that didn’t really bother Wilbur. But you recognize him. The name and the apparel- that guy is Technoblade. The same Technoblade who stood by your side while the two of you blew L’manburg up for the last time, and now the Technoblade who resides in a cottage shrouded in snow.

“Technoblade?!”

Hearing your voice being carried by the crisp winter air, he turns around immediately to see you and Wilbur a few feet away. Techno stood there dumbfounded, but he didn’t know why. He wasn’t particularly joyed or ecstatic to see you, but he was at the very least happy to see an old ally back. 

“Y/n? Oh my god, now we’ve got TWO of you? We don’t have room for another one, alright?”

For some it might be hard to see the meaning behind his words. Luckily you’ve talked to him enough to where you can tell he’s being playful.

“Don’t worry, I’ll just build directly on top of your house. Besides, who WOULDN'T want to be near me 24-7?”

“Me-“

“Oh f*ck off.”

You would’ve thought that that was Wilbur due to the similar accent, but there was something off. The slight gruffness and age, yet still succeeding in sounding mellow.

“Phil! How’s my favorite old bird doing?”

He gives you a face. Not a happy one like you expected, rather a face that says ‘really?’ Probably because of the old comment. The two of you briefly hug, Phil’s tattered wings stretching out slightly.

“I’m doing alright, are you okay? Here, would you like to come in? It’s pretty cold outside, you probably haven’t seen snow in a couple years.”

He wasn’t wrong after all. You were freezing your toes off and were itching for lemon tea. The kind Phil used to make when he, Technoblade and Dream discussed plans on destroying L’manburg. Ah, the good ol days…

“Of course! We’ve got a lot to talk about- you still have that old chess board?”

“Yes, but first you have some explaining to do about the fire over in that tree, Y/n. You just got back and you’re already burning down forests?!”

“Did someone say fire?”

Techno has an eager stride in his step once he also looks back to see the raging lights of orange and red in the nearby forest.

“Don’t worry Phil! It’s just- ahh, a controlled burn..?”

Your tone of voice is unsure when a black crow shoots down from the sky into the snow in front of you. It’s left wing is charred and has smoke dancing from the burn. Philza looks at you with a stern glare.

“Oh my f*cking god…that’s it! We’re all going inside now, you too Techno. I don’t want you and Y/n going on a rampage.”

[quokkacore]

with great power I [lee jeno]

summary: there are two things jeno loves most about his life. one being spiderman, the other being you, his best friend. there’s just one issue: after your father’s death, you decide you hate both spiderman and yourself.

pairing: lee jeno x reader

genre: superhero au, high school au, coming of age, best friends to strangers(ish) to lovers, fluff, ANGST, minor crack

warnings (for this chapter): language, violence, gun violence, the mafia, parental death, police presence, sexual references, bullying (ily san im sorry), the dreamies being dicks to each other, police corruption, towards the end jeno experiences something similar to sensory overload, americanized names, pop culture references, VERY jeno centric

song rec: we go up - nct dream // any song - zico // 21 questions - waterparks // talk (remix feat. megan thee stallion & yo gotti) - khalid // sunrise - ateez // i really like you - carly rae jepsen // dare - gorillaz // stray kids - the tortoise and the hare

word count: 10.5k

a/n: this is so late...... i blame attack on titan. but hey!! better late than never :] a huge thanks to @doderyscoffee​ for beta reading <3

main masterlist // story masterlist

chapter one: jeno and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week

Jeno despised Tuesdays. He was pretty sure that Tuesdays despised Jeno as well because all of his worst days just so happen to be Tuesdays. He was 96% sure that, if there was a god, his day off was on Tuesdays, or that the planets aligned in such a manner on Tuesdays that it caused universal despair and misery. If he was to take Donghyuck's word for it, his chakra attracted negative energy the most on Tuesdays.

When Jeno was 5, his goldfish Pippin had died on a Tuesday. When he had his ass handed to him on the playground by San Choi in the third grade, it was a Tuesday. And in the seventh grade, he'd failed his Spanish test, missed his bus and walked home in the rain only to find out that his Aunt Sunny was at work, he'd left his keys in his locker and that had to wait an hour before she got home to unlock it for him, all on a Tuesday. 

And wouldn't you know it, here he was, late for the first day of senior year, which was, of all days, a godforsaken Tuesday.

In his eternal wisdom, he'd stayed up gaming with Renjun until two in the morning, and because of it, slept through his three alarms, one set at six-thirty, the other at 6:45, the last one at 7:00. 

He'd woken up at 7:17, to the sound of his elderly neighbor's pet chihuahua barking at a pigeon, checked the time, immediately panicked, sped into the shower, gotten dressed in a haste, grabbed a few granola bars from the pantry, and ran out the door while trying to jam his backpack closed, and managed to catch the train at 7:40, which took about twenty minutes to get to his stop, plus a ten-minute walk to school, and class started at 8:10. Not to mention he’d have to stop by the office and pick up his schedule. At best, he’d be five minutes late to his first class. But tardies were tardies, regardless, and the last thing he needed was to lose his perfect attendance streak. 

He fished out his phone while standing on the train, waiting for his stop, scrolling through Instagram, and liking random pictures. A ping! from his phone caught his attention, then two, then a third. He smiled softly when your name popped up on his screen.

[7:48 AM]

y/n: pssst

y/n: shithead

y/n: where r u ????

[7:49 AM] 

y/n: i can sEE u online on ig u know

jeno: …… i'm on the train

jeno: woke up late

y/n: YOURE GONNA BE LATR

y/n: LATE*

y/n: ON THE FIRST DAY OF SENIOR YEAR

[7:50]

jeno: probably, yeah

jeno: it's the school district's fault, why would they make the first day of school on a fkn TUESDAY 

y/n: ohhh yeahh its terrible tuesday

y/n: [sent an attachment!]

[7:51 AM]

jeno: SHUT UP

jeno: you're not funny >:(

jeno: how dare you laugh at my misfortune

y/n: au contraire im hilarious

jeno: meanie :(

jeno: im gonna be late i hate it here

jeno: it'll end up on my permanent record and i'm not gonna get into college and then i'm gonna die,,,

[7:52 AM] 

y/n: sometimes ur worse than hyuck i swear 

y/n: FIRST OF ALL permanent records dont even exist !!!!!! its propaganda duh

y/n: also ur literally never late 

y/n: im sure o n e tardy wont do anything chill

y/n: dont be stupid youll be fine

Don’t be stupid. Too little, too late, he thought, already having got off the train at a previous stop. Now, he was looking for an unoccupied street or alleyway, which, for once, was easy, taking a deep breath before he did the exact opposite of what you’d told him not to do. Don’t be stupid. 

The buildings are low, he thought to himself, it’ll be easier to see me. 

Don’t be stupid.

Too late!

Thwip!

Jeno didn’t hesitate to use the web fluid to pull himself up onto the wall, climbing in a haste, before running and jumping onto the next building. He quickly built up a quick pace, using the web fluid occasionally to swing onto a building slightly out of jumping range. 

Signs in English, Chinese, Korean, and Spanish flew past him as he seemingly flew over the Queens traffic, leaving Flushing behind and crossing quickly into College Point quicker than he would if he took the train. He glanced to his left and caught a view of the bay, and far across it, the LaGuardia airport watchtower.

Jeno had lived in New York City his entire life. He knew Queens like the back of his hand, knew every dingy alleyway, every sketchy street, which restaurants to avoid if you didn’t want to get food poisoning, which convenience store aunties were the nicest and didn’t pinch his cheeks too hard. It was his home, and most likely would be for the rest of his life. 

But seeing it like this, flying past him below as he glided with ease from building to building would never cease to be a sight to him. It was like watching from the perspective of an outsider, seeing people in their cars, walking along the street gave him a brand new perspective. A Jeno’s eye view, he called it, since he was pretty sure he was the only one in New York City.

Another noise from his phone brought him back to reality. He shook his head, stopping briefly to catch his breath and fish out his phone briefly. 

[7:57 AM] 

y/n: let me know when u get here !!!

No time to respond, he put away the phone and continued his trek to school. He had less than ten minutes to get there. But he knew he was already at least five minutes away, much quicker than he would be if he had decided to stick to the train. He smiled a bit to himself, feeling ever so slightly smug.

The hustle and bustle of the city definitely proved challenging to find a place to land without many eyes, but he figured it out eventually, landing behind a dumpster in an alleyway behind a restaurant that he knew was about three or four blocks from the school. He figured it would be a lot better to take it on foot from here. The notebooks he was carrying in his backpack bounced up and down with every step he took. 

After what seemed like forever, the gates to the school appeared in his view, and Jeno felt a joy in his heaving chest, something he would have never thought would happen upon seeing the absolute hellhole that was Samuel Morse High School. 

[8:06 AM]

jeno: just did >:D

Picking up his schedule was both quick and insanely long. He couldn’t stop himself from tapping his left foot while the secretary found his schedule and handed it to him. “Kibum, please hurry,” He muttered, and Kibum raised an eyebrow at him, but his gaze was teasing. “That’s Mr. Kim to you, in school at least.” 

He handed Jeno his schedule a few seconds later. “Tell your Aunt to come pick up her casserole dish, by the way. She left it at my house after my last viewing party.”

“The Bachelor?”

“Please. We’re too classy for that. Drag Race.”

“Ah. I see.”

“Jeno,” Kibum said, staring up at him from his desk, his gaze now much more serious, “Get to class. Happy first day of senior year.”

“Thanks, Mr. Kim.”

He managed to make it to chemistry class at 8:09 with seconds to spare. His eyes quickly scanned the room upon entering, hoping his friends were in the class with him. He caught a few familiar faces, most of which, like San Choi's, he wished to avoid. No one paid him any mind. Everyone was still speaking to the people next to them, no doubt exchanging stories of summer vacation. 

  A hand shot up towards the back, waving at him. A smile stretched across his face as he registered your face, feet not hesitating to carry him towards the empty seat next to you. His heart skipped a beat at seeing your smile, and he tried his best to ignore it.

“Hey,” You greeted, “That was fast. I thought you said you were gonna be late.”

Jeno shrugged, eyes landing on the dark shade of the lab table. “The train was a lot faster than I expected, apparently.”

You wrinkled your nose. “Why do you smell so bad?”

“I, uh… ran a little.” 

You grimaced, and Jeno tried to casually sniff at his slightly sweaty clothes. It’s not that bad. “I still don’t understand why you won’t let me drive you to school. You’re literally next door.”

“I don’t know,” He answered, rolling his eyes, “Maybe it’s because when it comes to that truck, you are absolutely insane. You won’t even let me drink water in that thing.”

The truck in question, a faded red 1998 Chevrolet S-10, had been your gift to yourself for your 17th birthday. You’d spent two summers saving up to buy yourself a truck, and that was what you were able to get for what you had. To say it was a huge piece of junk on wheels was an understatement. 

The thing smelled like mothballs no matter how many air fresheners you bought it, the engine sounded like an old man having a coughing fit, and there was a very suspicious stain in the backseat that wouldn’t go away no matter how many times you scrubbed it. But for some reason, you treated it like it was your own baby. The amount of times you’d yelled at Jaemin for trying to put his feet on the dashboard was too high to count.

You mirrored his movement, eyes rolling as you sighed. “At least let me drive you home after school today. Maybe you can stay and we can finally watch Blade Runner.”

You’d been trying to get him to watch the film for almost a month now, begging and pleading because you insisted that he’d love it. He offered an awkward stare, before opening his backpack and pulling out a notebook. “Can’t,” He mumbled, “I’m headed into Manhattan. I have my internship afterwards.”

“Oh, yeah,” You said nonchalantly, eyebrows shooting up as you remembered, “Park Industries.” 

He was about to reply when Mrs. Baker, the chemistry teacher, finally entered. She’d been working at SMHS for 30 years and had never, apparently, been nice, if his Aunt Sunny’s stories were anything to go by. However, she had apparently always spoken as if she smoked two packs a day. She was rambling about the importance of making the most of senior year academically, adult responsibilities, college, and whatnot. You and Jeno exchanged glances often throughout the monologue, hoping it would end soon. 

“Enough of that,” She said after what seemed like an eternity, “Everyone quiet down, I’m going to call roll.”

Names were quickly called, and Jeno was ready to pull out a pencil and start working with you until Mrs Baker demanded a switch in seats, beginning to call on random names in an effort to deter everyone from speaking. 

"Please not with Choi, please not with Choi," Jeno muttered under his breath, glancing warily at San, who was staring ahead, looking bored. 

San had had it out for Jeno ever since day one, in first grade. For some reason, everything Jeno did seemed to annoy the other boy. He wasn't funny enough, or too nerdy, or too quiet. Jeno was always too much or too little for him. 

You touched his forearm, and he looked towards you. 

“You’ll be fine,” You said softly, trying not to alert the teacher, “You’re not gonna get paired up with him, and you can take it to the office if you need to.” “Yeah, because I’m sure Coach Peralta would be thrilled if someone tried to get his precious midfielder in trouble.”

“Choi, San,” Mrs Baker’s voice rang throughout the room, and Jeno braced himself for the worst, eyebrows furrowing with worry. 

“You’ll be sitting with… L/N, Y/N.” 

Jeno’s shoulders slumped, but your face remained impassive. You picked up your stuff, and pouted silently at Jeno in apology, before making your way to the front. 

“Lee, Jeno,” Mrs Baker called a few minutes later, “You’ll be sitting with Jang, Yeeun.”

He breathed out a sigh of relief. Yeeun is nice, Jeno thought to himself, I could sit with Yeeun. She wasn’t part of his main friend group, but he had tutored her in math during sophomore year in exchange for her helping him with Spanish, and they’d been pretty friendly ever since. 

“Hey,” Yeeun greeted as Jeno sat down, and Jeno smiled at her. 

“Remember, these will be your assigned lab partners for the rest of the semester. No changes, no exceptions.” Mrs. Baker sat down at her desk, before beginning to talk about something Jeno didn’t really pay attention to.

You exchanged glances with Jeno, and he gave you a look of sympathy as you gestured at San with your eyes. San was talking to you about something—probably bragging about some soccer achievement—but you weren’t paying him much attention. Jeno swallowed something growing in his throat as he looked at how your hair looked today. 

It was nothing relatively new, the same hairstyle you used on most days. But still, there was a bit of a shine to it. He wondered vaguely if you had changed your shampoo, the other day you’d been complaining about how itchy your normal shampoo made your scalp—

“You still haven’t told her about how you feel?” Yeeun asked quietly, and Jeno’s head snapped back to look at her, eyes wide.

“W-what? Me. Like Y/N…” He laughed nervously, trying to keep his voice down. He scratched the back of his head, avoiding Yeeun’s accusatory stare. “You’re hilarious, Yeeun. Tell another one.”

Yeeun shook her head. “You’d better hurry before someone else snatches her up, Jen. She’s not gonna wait around for you forever.”

 “I don’t like her, Yeeun.” 

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“Hey! Jeno Lee!”

“Hey! Jaemin Na! What do you want!” Jeno answered as he sat down, mimicking Jaemin’s tone next to him.

“Well, for starters, a million dollars, and second, a date with Yiren Wang, but I doubt you can help me with either of those, so...”

Jeno glanced at the rest of the table. Along with Jaemin, Mark,  Renjun, Donghyuck, and you were watching the interaction between the pair. “Where are the munchkins?” Jeno asked, noticing Chenle and Jisung’s absence. No one could really call them munchkins anymore. That nickname dated back to middle school, before the two underclassmen had gone through growth spurts.

“Eh, they should be here soon,” Renjun said, chewing on a french fry, “How’s your day been?”

“Pretty good so far, I guess. I got AP Calc with Mr. Washington later, though. That man wants me dead.”

You rolled your eyes. “He doesn’t want you dead. I’m telling you, you and Hyuck have been spending way too much time together. You’re being more dramatic than usual and Hyuck’s being more… weird than usual.”

“And just what is so weird about being enthusiastic about senior year, Y/N?” Donghyuck asked, shaking his head, “It’s our last year in this hellhole, I’m excited that we’re finally getting out of here. And besides—”

“Please don’t bring up the fact that you’re abandoning us next year.” Chenle seemingly appeared out of nowhere, sitting next to Renjun, Jisung following quickly behind him.

“Hi, Sungie,” You said with a smile, and Jisung smiled back. “Hi, Y/N.”

“What were you saying, Hyuck?” Jaemin looked at Donghyuck, who had taken the quick interaction as an opportunity to take a bite of his sandwich. His wide eyes darted to the slim boy, cheeks stuffed with chicken. 

“Oh,” He replied after swallowing, “This is gonna be my year. I’m getting male lead for the winter musical and no one is gonna stop me.”

“Do you even know what musical you guys are doing yet?” Mark asked, “What if it’s like… Shrek?”

Jisung made a face. “There’s a Shrek musical?”

Mark nodded, and Renjun laughed.

“I don’t know about male lead, if it’s Shrek. You should try out for Donkey,” The Chinese boy joked, “With those front teeth, you’re a shoo-in.”

The entire table was silent for a moment, before snorts and chortles started pouring out from everyone except Donghyuck.

“Fuck you, Huang.” 

Renjun flashed the friendliest smile he could muster. “Not if you paid me a million dollars.”

The subject remained on extracurriculars, everyone in your group except for Chenle and Jisung now wary of college applications. Donghyuck had been in theater ever since middle school, Renjun was in the robotics club and the debate team with Jaemin, who was also in the student council. Mark was on the math team with Jeno, and you had founded the film club. 

"You're not gonna believe who asked to sign up for film," You huffed, looking kind of confused. The rest of the table looked at you expectantly, and you pursed your lips, almost as if you were trying not to laugh.

"San Choi."

Renjun scoffed. Jaemin raised his eyebrows before letting out a single, humorless laugh. Jeno made a face, poking his plastic fork at you. 

"What is San Choi doing asking to sign up for film?"

"Fuck if I know. He said he needed one more extracurricular if he wanted to get into some college in Florida and he liked going to the movies, so he wanted to try out film."

Mark rolled his eyes. "I swear there's nothing in that guy's head but hot gas. It blows my mind."

"He's a dick," Chenle grumbled, "I'm still not over how he and Wooyoung taped Jisung to the flagpole last year."

Jisung scowled. "I thought we agreed to never bring that up again."

“Do you think they’ll finally calm the fuck down this year?” Jaemin wondered, looking wistful.

You took a sip of your coke and shook your head. “Doubt it. They’re not the hateful eight for a reason.”

The mood at the table turned tense, until Jaemin frowned at his french fries, before sighing and clapping his hands together dramatically. “I would like to hear,” He mused, “About the nuance that theatre gives the cinematic masterpiece that is Shrek when converted into musical form.”

Donghyuck beamed. “Oh, it’s amazing. You see…”

If it was difficult to get Donghyuck to stop talking in general, it was impossible when it was about theater.

The conversation continued on until the bell rang, and the eight of you had to go your separate ways. Jaemin and Jeno had the same class, so they both walked together down a relatively calm hallway. Jaemin looked both ways, before finally lowering his voice. 

“So, you’re going to see Mr. Park today?”

Jeno nodded, looking down at his shoes. “He said he wanted to give me an assignment. Says there’s something big going on.”

Jaemin’s eyes lit up with curiosity. “Did he say what kind of something?” 

Jeno shook his head, pouting slightly. “I’ll let you know tomorrow.” 

Once school was out, Jeno was getting ready to get onto the subway once again, this time heading towards Midtown. It was only day one and, as Jeno had predicted, Mr. Washington probably was out to get him, because he’d swamped the class with homework.

As he left the school, he spotted you in the parking lot, leaning against your car door, texting someone. He glanced at his phone. He still had plenty of time, he figured. He walked over to you, and when you looked up, you smiled. 

“Hey!” Your voice had that signature tone of enthusiasm to it, and Jeno smiled back immediately. 

“Hello,” He sing-songed. “So, I was thinking… are you free on Friday night?”

You looked somewhere above his head, furrowing your eyebrows before you perked up again and nodded. “Yep! Why?”

“I’m free after nine. Maybe then I could come over to your house? So I can finally get you to stop harassing me about Blade Runner.”

You grinned, pumping your fists enthusiastically. “Hell yes,” You answered, “Do you want me to get like, some frozen pizzas or something?” 

“Pizza sounds good,” He said. “Who are you even waiting for?” 

You made a face that made it seem as if you’d just gotten a whiff of rotten milk. “Well—”

Your response was interrupted when the school doors slammed open, and eight figures poured out, carrying themselves with confidence Jeno both envied and despised. He frowned, trying not to react at their loud whooping and laughing. The Hateful Eight.

“Oh.” Jeno averted his gaze, meeting your eyes again.

“Yeah. If you don’t hear from me later it’s because I jumped out of my truck because I don’t wanna work with—”

“Well, hello, gorgeous!” San’s voice filled the parking lot, and Jeno took a deep breath. Your mouth stretched into a tight-lipped smile at the unwanted ‘compliment’. 

“Hey, San.” Your friendly passive aggressive tone almost made Jeno smile. “I’ve been waiting here for like, fifteen minutes. You could have just given me your number and asked me to send you pictures of my notes, you know.”

He shrugged, turning his body so that his back was turned to Jeno. “Sorry, babe. Coach wanted to talk to us about the upcoming season. When he gets going, it’s hard to get him to stop. And besides, where’s the fun in just asking for pictures when I could come here, talk to you, and take the pictures myself?”

You didn’t respond, but rather pulled out your backpack and began digging through it. When you pulled out your notebook, you handed it to San, who flashed a wink at you. You barely held back a gag. 

“Thanks, Y/N. I’ll just be a minute.” 

He walked over to the hood of your truck, and just as you were about to continue your conversation, two figures slung their arms around both of Jeno’s shoulders, causing him to flinch. 

Out of the fifteen soccer players on the team, San and his best friends—seven of them, to be precise—were the worst. The others were pretty nice. But right now, seeing two of those seven surround your best friend made you uneasy. 

Wooyoung was loud. He was also a temperamental brat. His dad owned three used car dealerships over in Brooklyn, so naturally, he thought he owned the entire world. He wasn’t someone who would get too physical in fights, like San, or Jongho, or Yeosang. But when he was angry, he could easily get you to jump into the stratosphere by yelling at you once. Over the years, he’d made several teaching assistants and substitute teachers cry, only getting let off with a slap on the wrist every time. 

 Yunho was terrifying for completely different reasons. He was friendly, but a little too friendly to the people he wanted to control. He could read people like books and could easily manipulate whoever he wanted. But he wasn’t afraid of getting physical either, especially not when he was built like a goddamn Power Rangers Megazord. 

All in all, they definitely weren't anyone you wanted near you, near your friends. Especially considering how much they had it out for your friends. 

"Hey, buddy," Yunho said, looking down at Jeno with a wide smile. "How was summer vacation?"

Jeno gnawed on the side of his cheek as he considered his answer. "Um, it was okay." He looked at you to catch your eyes darting between San, Yunho and Wooyoung, like you were analyzing the situation. "I kinda stayed in and played video games most of the t—"

"Cool, cool," Yunho answered, carding his free hand through his bleach blond hair. "What about you, Woo?"

"Oh, dude, it was so cool," He bragged, "I went to Brazil for like, a month. I went clubbing with Instagram models and shit, it was wild."

You stared at him as he patted Jeno on the back rather aggressively. "Where did you go? Have you ever even left New York?" 

You knew the answer. Only a few times when the debate team went to compete in different states. Jeno spoke up again. "Well, yeah a few t—"

"Doubt it," Yunho scoffed. He craned his head back. "San, you done yet?"

"Almost!" San answered. Yunho turned to face you, and for some reason his smile seemed genuinely kind. “What about you, Y/N?”

You never understood why it was that the soccer team hated your entire friend group, but seemed to tolerate you. It made no sense.

So you shrugged. “Not a lot, I guess. Did my summer reading. Hung out with my friends.” You flashed a reassuring smile at Jeno. “Right, Jen?”

Immediately, he relaxed a little bit. “Yeah.”

San appeared from behind Yunho, Jeno and Wooyoung. “Thanks, Y/N. I owe you one.”

You waved your hand, wanting them to get rid of them quickly. “Don’t mention it. But next time, just text me for my notes. I have to get to work, so…”

“Oh! My bad,” He answered with fake remorse, before unlocking his phone and handing it over to you. “Here. For next time.”

You stifled a deep sigh, punching in the numbers hesitantly. “Just for homework, got it?”

San took his phone back, holding a hand over his heart and raised his head. “On a gentleman's honor,” He declared, and you bit back a laugh. Jeno looked like he was going to hurl.

“San!” The team captain—Hongjoong—called from a few feet away, “Are you guys done yet or what?”

“Coming!” San yelled back.

“Alright, we’ll let you go,” Wooyoung said, patting Jeno on the back again, a bit too harsh for comfort. “Bye, Y/N! See you around.”

 The three of them stalked off, leaving you and a very frazzled Jeno. “Dicks,” You muttered once they were out of earshot. “You good?”

Jeno shook his head, waving his hand dismissively. “I’ll be fine.”

You tilted your head, frowning. “Jeno—”

“I gotta go,” He said quickly. “I’ll see you later?”

You nodded, offering a lopsided smile. “Yeah. Be careful!” 

Jeno offered a deep bow, fluttering his eyelashes. “On a gentleman’s honor,” He sighed, adding a very bad British accent to it. You burst out laughing, eyes squeezing shut.

You didn’t catch the way Jeno’s shoulders relaxed at the sound.

I want you to know now

Baby, it could go down

I don’t wanna talk about it

Baby, let’s just go now

The train ride into Midtown didn’t take too long. He spent it digging through his backpack for his Park Industries lanyard, listening to music and thinking about you.

When you talk right to me 

You gon’ have to do me

Every time you think you’re leaving 

You running back to me

You’d met Jeno when you were six. Truth be told, he didn’t really remember. For him it was like you weren’t there at one point and by the time you were, you were thicker than thieves. It was a difficult time for him. He had just lost both of his parents, and was moving in with his Aunt Sunny and his Uncle Jinki, who were barely out of college at the time. He’d had to move to a new school and basically restart his entire life. You were the first sense of stability in his life for months. 

Your mom lived next to his aunt and uncle. So naturally, you went to the same school and went on the same bus. And somewhere along the way, you two clicked. You’d introduced him to Renjun, Jaemin and Donghyuck. You were there to comfort him whenever he got pushed off the slide by San or Wooyoung. 

He was there for you when your stepdad and stepbrother moved in when you were nine and you weren’t sure how to deal with it. He was there when your mom died when you were thirteen. He’d introduced you and your friends to Mark, Chenle and Jisung. 

And you were there when his Uncle Jinki got killed when he was fifteen. And because fate had an especially cruel sense of irony, it had happened on a Tuesday. You didn’t know, but at the time, he had just gotten his powers. Your comfort and words unknowingly had a secondary effect: he made the decision to use them for good, and… well. The rest was history. 

Can we just talk? Can we just talk?

Talk about where we're goin'

Before we get lost, lend me your thoughts

Can't get what we want without knowin'

Just like when he met you, he didn’t recall an exact moment where he realized he’d fallen in love with you. He knew there was a world where he loved you, but wasn’t in love with you. And he knew that there was a world here he’d fallen in love with you—he was living in that world now. He realized he was living in that world maybe when he was sixteen, and had been stuck in it ever since. 

You were it for him. He’d had crushes before. But never something like this, where he was so aware of your presence around him. It wasn’t the way he was hyper aware of someone like San, or like Yunho or Jongho. It wasn’t out of anxiety or fear, where a shift in mood activated his fight or flight. He was aware of you in a way that only people who truly know each other do, where he could pick up on subtle changes in your behavior, but not out of fear. Rather, out of a desire to take care of you and to not have you worry about anything. 

I've never felt like this before

I apologize if I'm movin' too far

Can we just talk? Can we just talk?

Figure out where we're goin'...

As the train rolled into the station that was a fifteen minute walk from Park Tower, Jeno put away his headphones and took a deep breath.

The “Jeno Tingle��� as his Aunt Sunny called it—Jeno hated the term—had taken him a few years to gain control of. And while he could never truly turn it off, he could at least tune it out enough to be more at ease. The only time he did so was at school or when he was studying, just because he wanted to feel normal, and because being aware of everything going on around him really messed with his concentration. 

Jaemin didn’t understand. “If I was able to tell whenever Seonghwa was behind me because he wanted to scare me into doing his chemistry homework, I’d never turn that shit off,” He’d said once. But truthfully, Jeno didn’t really care. Because while yes, he was still slightly scared of the “hateful eight”, he knew damn well that if things got to be too much, he could kick their asses if he wanted to. 

It was his friends he worried about. He couldn’t be around them 24/7. You, not so much. He knew you knew how to fight. Even worse, he knew that San had the hots for you so you were off limits to the rest of them, be it bullying or flirting. But for everyone else… Well. He couldn’t hover over them like some guardian angel. 

Now that the “Jeno Tingle” was on, it allowed him to sense everyone within a certain range around him. He could zero in on certain sounds with ease, and his reflexes became heightened. Halfway on his walk up Park Avenue, he jumped away from a chihuahua on its leash a second before it started barking at him.

When he entered the first floor lobby of the Park Building, he scoured the crowd of employees and visitors until he landed on one familiar face. 

He'd met Doyoung about a year after his dad started dating your mom. Things between your parents were starting to get serious, and Doyoung was four years older than you were. When they moved into your house, Doyoung as your new stepbrother became the de facto chaperone and babysitter. If you wanted to go to the mall with Jeno, he had to take you. Every time you dragged Jeno to the movies, Doyoung had to go also. 

To an extent, it wasn't that bad. Doyoung was cool, and he was smart—he was the one who got Jeno interested in computers and chemistry. He graduated high school at 16, and finished his bachelor's degree at 19. He'd also interned at Park Industries, and secured a job there almost immediately after college. 

To an extent, he was the whole reason Mr. Park knew who he was, because of one incident. It was relatively soon after he started the whole vigilante thing. Jeno, still figuring out how to maneuver on the webs that shot out of his wrists, had accidentally crashed into your backyard late at night, when only Doyoung was awake. He was standing in the back door while he was waiting for his dog to finish peeing. 

Initially, the older boy had freaked out, thinking that it was a burglar or something. When he yelled out that his dad was a cop and was asleep in the house, Jeno panicked, and pulled off his mask, holding up his hands.

“Woah, woahwoahwoah! Doyoung! It’s me, it’s me!” 

Doyoung’s eyes had widened to the size of saucers, paying no mind to the dog as it sauntered up to Jeno, before turning onto its back in a request for belly rubs.

"You're the spider guy everyone's been talking about!?"

"Spider man," Jeno had answered, voice cracking as he dusted himself off. He cringed at the sound of his voice. "...and yes."

Of course, his cover was blown, and he'd begged Doyoung not to tell anyone, especially not you. And while Doyoung had promised not to tell you, it didn't stop him from telling his boss. 

That had been almost three years ago now. The rest was history, and after that Jeno didn’t have to run around in bright red sweatpants and dollar store swimming goggles. Now, he had a nanotech suit that allowed him to activate protocols of the suit through voice commands using something top-secret Mr. Park called D.R.E.A.M technology. Direct Response Engaged As Machine—yeah, Jeno didn’t get it either. 

Doyoung offered Jeno a smile as he escorted Jeno past security, showing them his employee clearance pass. "Hey. How have you been?"

Jeno shrugged, recounting his day in minor detail as he was led into an elevator labeled authorized personnel only. 

This elevator only went up to the 35th floor, seeing as everything past that was only cleared for a certain list of people approved by Mr. Park and his security team, and everything past the 90th floor were Mr. Park's private living quarters. 

Now, as Doyoung led him to another elevator to head up to the 85th floor, which was always where Jeno got to meet with Mr. Park—which wasn't often, maybe once or twice a year—he wondered where he would be if he hadn’t surprised Doyoung that night. He would probably still be using those ugly red sweatpants as part of his disguise.

"How's Y/N?" Doyoung asked. 

"Oh, she seems okay. That guy who hates me keeps coming onto her though. He's a huge douchebag."

Doyoung frowned. "He's not harassing her, is he? Because if he is—"

"He just won't stop flirting, even though she clearly isn't interested," Jeno said bitterly, "He isn't physical or anything. Trust me, it wouldn't end well for him if he was."

Doyoung wasn't quite sure how to respond to the younger boy's dark tone. He looked down, clearing his throat awkwardly.

“So… how’s the apartment?” Jeno asked. Doyoung perked up instantly.

“Oh, now that Taeyong’s moved in and did his interior design thing, it looks great. He’s really done a great job at it.”

“When am I gonna meet this guy? He sounds cool.”

“He’s really cool,” Doyoung hummed, cheeks heating up. “Things are getting really serious.”

Jeno smiled at how flustered Doyoung, who was normally so level headed and calm, became at the mention of his boyfriend.

“You guys sound like a really good couple,” He said. Doyoung chuckled, waving his hand. “Oh, well—” 

 The elevator dinged, and Doyoung sighed. “I’ll tell you later. C’mon.”

The hallway it opened up to was lined with pictures of the company's history, starting from pictures of black and white of people in vintage clothing, to pictures in sepia tones to finally pictures of the current CEO at locations around the world: Chanyeol Park.

Jeno walked behind Doyoung as he led him down the hallway, before stopping in front of a door, and a friendly looking man in a suit. 

Junmyeon was a part of Chanyeol’s Security and Intelligence team, and often sat in on these meetings with Jeno. The chain of contact also included him. If Jeno couldn’t contact Doyoung (which rarely happened), he’d contact Junmyeon. And if he couldn’t contact either of them, or it was an emergency, only then could he contact Chanyeol. So far, that had only happened once.

"Hey, Junmyeon," Doyoung said, "Mr. Park's 4:30 is here." 

Junmyeon nodded, before smiling at Jeno and giving him a wave. "Hey, kid."

Jeno offered an awkward grin. "Hi, Mr. Kim."

Junmyeon rolled his eyes sarcastically. "Kid, you're making me feel ancient. I've told you a million times, just call me Junmyeon."

Jeno shuffled awkwardly, before nodding at the older man, watching as he pressed a button on his earpiece. "Hey, Yeol. Jeno's here."

The muffled response was barely heard, but Jeno automatically understood what Mr. Park said. Junmyeon turned to open the door, and let the pair inside. The “office”—if it could even be called that—opened up to more of a lounge, than anything. A wall of glass overlooked the Manhattan skyline, but Jeno knew that from the outside it looked only like a wall, due to camouflage technology developed by Mr. Park himself. As Doyoung and Junmyeon stayed back, closer to the door, Jeno took a few steps toward the man in question.

Chanyeol was standing a few feet in front of the glass window, working on a holographic model of a new piece of tech. His face was turned downward in a concentrated frown. He barely spared the teenager a glance as he said fondly, “Hey, kid.”

Jeno was used to this. Chanyeol wasn’t cold per se, but he wasn’t warm at all. He knew that Chanyeol cared about him, even if he didn’t really show it in a conventional way. Chanyeol was a very… eccentric man, so he had his own way of saying and doing things. 

“Hi, Mr. Park. Um… you wanted to talk to me?”

“Yep! Needed some help from the friendly neighborhood Spiderman… A little birdie told me about something going on in Queens.”

“Queens?” Jeno asked, gripping the straps of his backpack. “You mean, other than the usual stuff?”

“Other than the usual stuff,” Chanyeol repeated, nodding. With a wave of his hand, the hologram disappeared, and another one appeared in its place. This time, instead of a 3D model, a few pictures and another, smaller 3D model appeared. Chanyeol turned to face him, frown deepening. He pointed at the model—a long, shiny oval-shaped purple stone. It reminded Jeno of an amethyst, but instead of turning white at the base, it turned to an iridescent jade tone. “You know what this is, right?”

Jeno nodded, remembering seeing the rocks all over the news when he was a kid. “That’s… that’s a Chitauri stone. From the invasion a few years back.”

Chanyeol nodded, standing up straight. “These stones have the potential to power weapons with no need to recharge, or change them out. They’re an infinite, extremely strong power source, Jeno, and in the wrong hands can be very dangerous.”

Jeno took a deep breath, feeling his stomach sink slowly. Chanyeol sighed. “Cleanup of the city after the invasion was long, and difficult, and obviously the government and the company weren’t able to get everything. It caused a black market to pop up. Now, the NYPD has been investigating it for years, but they have their limits… that’s where you come in.”

“M-me, Mr. Park?”

Chanyeol gave him a crooked, reassuring smile. He pointed at one of the pictures, which was of a man who most likely didn’t know he was photographed. He was walking somewhere, face looking angry and stern.

“You don’t know who this is, right?”

Jeno shook his head, and Chanyeol turned his head to nod at Junmyeon. “You’re up, tough guy.”

Junmyeon huffed, before walking up to Jeno. He put his hand on Jeno’s shoulder as if he could tell that he was growing anxious. 

“Jeno, that’s Henry Duke. From what we understand on the intel team, he’s one of the cornerstones of the alien tech black market. He’s one of the top dogs. From what we understand, he likes to be present for all major negotiations that his group makes. A source of ours told us that there’s going to be a negotiation on Friday night not too far away from LaGuardia. We want you to go out there and just get a feel of what’s going on.”

“Just watch them, right?” Jeno looked at Junmyeon, who patted his back reassuringly. “Just watch. Don’t engage unless you absolutely have to.”

“You can do that, right?” Chanyeol said quietly, crossing his arms. “Because if not, then it’s totally—”

“Yeah, of course I can! Friday—shit, Friday. At what time are they supposed to be meeting up?”

Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows, before answering, “Around eight or nine.”

Jeno bit his lip, thinking about the promise he’d made to you. It would just have to wait, he supposed. Chanyeol rarely asked anything this big of him.

“Alright,” Jeno agreed, “I’ll do it.”

Chanyeol grinned, clapping his hands together. 

“Perfect.” 

They discussed logistics briefly after. Doyoung would be on call with Jeno, his custom made suit allowing them to communicate, letting Doyoung see everything Jeno was seeing via a video feed coming from the ultra thin lenses placed in the white eye sockets of the mask. Doyoung would then report to Junmyeon, who would report to Chanyeol, who would probably report to the FBI. Jeno was only to engage if absolutely necessary.

After that, he set out on patrol. He usually found some discreet place to hide his backpack, and then went all over Queens looking for trouble, quite literally. Around five thirty, he stopped a robbery in Murray Hill. Then, around seven, he stopped a man from stealing a woman’s purse in Elmhurst. Nothing too much.

Around eight, he finally headed home, this time dressed normally, using the train and not web fluid. He walked home, tired, knowing that he’d immediately have to do that cursed AP calc homework. When he got home, he opened his backpack pocket to look for his keys, rummaging between his notebooks and other things. 

Shuffling through his stuff, he furrowed his eyebrows as he couldn’t find them. Thinking back, he remembered this morning, when he’d left in a rush… and had very obviously left his keys on his desk.

“Shit,” He muttered to himself. He rubbed his eyes tiredly, remembering that Aunt Sunny had said she’d be working overtime tonight. He could very easily sneak in through his window, but he was pretty sure he’d locked it the night before, and it was too early. People’s lights were still on—anyone could see him if they just looked up, and then he would be screwed. 

Huffing and zipping his backpack up, he marched up to your house, before ringing the doorbell. He shifted his weight back and forth, from his heels to the balls of his feet, until the door opened up. A familiar man with a face just like Doyoung's, but older, with graying hair and arms scarred and muscled from years of working on the police force stood in the doorway.

“Jeno?” Your dad offered him a warm smile. “Hey, kiddo, what’s up?”

“Hi, Mr. Kim,” Jeno said, smiling back. He shifted nervously. “I, um… I left my keys in my room this morning, and my aunt’s working late, so… could I… maybe wait here? Y/N’s home, right?” 

The man nodded. “Of course, of course. Come in!” 

Your dad had always been super friendly, even from the day Jeno had first met him. You'd told Jeno once that he was the only real father figure you'd ever had. Once everything settled after him and your mom got married, you started calling him dad altogether. And since you and Jeno were practically glued at the hip, he got along with your dad almost as well as you did.

“Okay.” Jeno stepped in and set down his backpack at the base of the coat rack next to the door, as he’d done a million times before. Jeno stepped into the living room, and sat down on the couch. He folded his hands in his lap and looked up at your dad.

"I think Y/N's in the shower, but she should be done soon. You can just wait here if you want… have you eaten anything yet?”

“Uh, I had a granola bar on the train, but that’s it.”

“We have some leftover pasta here, if you want—”

“Thanks, Mr. Kim, really! I’m fine.”

Your dad nodded, sitting down on his recliner. “So, have you started your college list, yet? Y/N said you wanted to stay here in New York.”

Jeno nodded, pushing some hair out of his face. “Well, yeah. It would make things a lot easier, I think. I might want to apply to NYU, but I think I’ll just go to community college, or something.”

Your dad shook his head. “You’re a pretty smart kid, Jeno. I think you could get into Columbia if you set out to. Plus, Chanyeol Park doesn’t give out internships to anybody. That’s your secret weapon.”

Jeno smiled. “Well, you’ve got a point.” 

Your dad gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder. “Come on, trying won’t hurt!” Your dad made a face, and then rubbed his knuckles. “Have you been working out? Those muscles weren’t there the last time I did that.”

Jeno laughed, trying to think of an excuse. “Oh, a little bit? The house needed some fixing up over the summer, and I wanted to help Aunt Sunny, so…”

“Jeno?” 

He turned immediately, eyes landing on you at the base of the staircase. You’d changed into an old t-shirt and pajama pants. Your hair was slightly damp. “What are you doing here?” You asked, with a curious smile.

His shoulders slumped, and he grinned sheepishly. “Terrible Tuesday strikes again. I forgot my keys.”

You grimaced. “Brutal, dude. You wanna come up?” Your eyes moved to your dad. “Or am I interrupting guy time?”

“Oh, definitely,” Jeno answered, playing along. He took a cocky tone as he rested his hands on the back of his neck. “Your dad was just telling me about how much the NYPD needs me.” 

You stifled a laugh. You dad seemed to be holding back a laugh too. "Hey, you're joking, but if you keep working out like that, and if by some impossible chance, the college thing doesn't work out… We might just be able to catch Spiderman if we finally got some brain cells on the force."

"Ugh, dad," You groaned, unaware of Jeno's gut twisting, "Not again."

"Yeah, Mr. Kim," Jeno said, scratching the back of his head, "He's not that bad."

Your dad shook his head. "Look, I don't hate the guy. In all honesty, crime rates have dropped since he started doing his thing. But he thinks he's above the law, and his methods can be a bit… unorthodox sometimes. He’s been undermining us for years and his tech is state of the art. Makes me wonder about what we should do to modernize the force."

Jeno looked downward, wondering what would happen if your dad knew the truth.

"Well, I guess we may just never find out. Jeno'd make a horrible cop. He couldn't hurt a fly if you paid him a million dollars."

But you came to the rescue as you grabbed his backpack, and soon enough he was up the stairs with you, heading into your bedroom, laughing to yourselves when you heard your dad jokingly call out, "Fifteen inch distance, you two! Door stays open!"

He sat on your desk chair while you lay on your bed, limbs splaying out. 

"So you left your keys."

Jeno groaned. "Don't remind me. I was in such a rush to leave, that I… I forgot. I'm so stupid."

You rolled your eyes, rolling over onto your stomach to look at him. "You're not stupid, Jen. You made an honest mistake because you were in a hurry." 

Standing up, you walked over to him and leaned against the desk. "Seriously, Jeno. What's gotten into you, lately? You freak out about every little thing. It's starting to worry me." 

Jeno shook his head. "I don't know," He admitted. "I think I'm just scared about how after this year, everything changes. Renjun’s headed upstate. Jaemin’s going to Boston. You want to go to LA. I think Hyuck and I are the only ones who want to stay here. I just… I don't want things to change." 

Your expression turned sad as he continued. "Everyone is expecting great things from me. You're smart, Jeno. You can get into an Ivy. Or, you have a Park internship, you'll be fine. What if I don't want things to be fine? What if I want them to just stay the same?"

You stayed silent for a few moments, trying to think of what to say. Jeno was relatively level headed for someone your age, but even he had moments of doubt and panic. It made moments like these difficult.  You sighed before grabbing him by the hand. Wordlessly, you tugged him over to the bed, sitting him down and leaning your head on his shoulder. He could feel the dampness in your hair seeping slowly into his shirt.

"I guess I understand what you mean," You mumbled, trying to reason with him, "But come on. You wouldn't really want everything to stay the same. You can't tell me you want to keep getting AP calc homework. And I definitely doubt that you'd want to have your ass kicked by San for the rest of your life."

Jeno looked at the floor. "You're right. But you know that's not what I mean—"

"I know," You huffed, "I'm just saying. Change… it's inevitable. The longer you fight it, the harder it is."

Jeno nodded. "This sucks."

"It does," You agreed, taking his hand in yours. "But at least we have each other's backs, y'know?"

Something of a smile appeared on his face. You were so close to him, leaning on him, stroking his knuckles with your thumb. He hoped you couldn't hear his heart pounding in his chest. 

"We really do, huh?" His voice turned quiet, with a bit of a sleepy lull to it. He allowed his head to rest on yours. "You're so comfortable. Can I like, use you as a pillow for the rest of my life?"

You giggled. "I'll consider it on two conditions."

"Oh, you'll consider. How generous of you."

"Yes, I'll consider. Now, do you wanna hear my terms or not?" 

Jeno raised an eyebrow. "Go ahead," He said, before putting on his best Marlon Brando voice, "Make me an offer I can't refuse."

Snorting, you lifted your head off of his. "Okay. One, you finish your calculus homework here before Sunny gets home."

He pursed his lips. "Okay, I could probably do that. What's the other one?"

"Let me drive you to school for the rest of the year." 

Jeno stared at you, and you nodded, eyes wide. "Trust me, Jen. You wouldn't need to wake up so early! And plus, you can't text the guy manning the subway asking him to give you five minutes because you need to find your keys."

Jeno gnawed on the inside of his cheek. You did have a point, and to be honest, he could probably refrain from putting his feet up on your dashboard.

"Deal." 

You grinned. "Awesome," You answered, before nodding towards his backpack. "Now get to work, Einstein."

The rest of the week wasn't that bad. Yes, you were absolutely batshit insane about your truck in the morning, but he soon realized he didn't really mind. Not when it allowed you both to spend some twenty extra minutes together in the mornings, and they were spent joking around and listening to your extremely varied playlist. 

On the other hand, he was saddled with more and more homework, greater and greater expectations. The looming threat of Friday's mission rolled around, and it made Jeno feel like time was passing much too slowly but also way too quickly. There was so much on his mind. He had chemistry with you on Thursdays in the afternoon, which also meant that San was there. Which also meant that sometimes, his heightened senses would pick up on San dropping a tacky pick up line which made Jeno want to punch him in the jaw.

Finally, finally, Friday afternoon rolled around. As he bid you goodbye and promised to see you later, he tried to ignore the feeling in his stomach. The feeling that something was about to go very, very wrong. He went out on patrol, ready for Doyoung to set up the call and tell him where he needed to go. It didn’t help that there wasn’t a lot for him to do that day. Crime had seemed to slow down altogether. 

When the time finally came, and the sun was beginning to set, Doyoung rang in at about 7, telling him the location. An old warehouse near LaGuardia airport, hidden from prying eyes. Jeno made his way to the place, avoiding security cameras Doyoung warned him about, and found a place to hide. There was a hole in the warehouse roof, which allowed him to peer right into the building without being seen. It was about thirty feet from the ground.

“Why is it always old, abandoned warehouses?” Jeno grumbled. He heard Doyoung laugh quietly. 

“Beats me,” Doyoung sighed. 

And so they waited. Jeno wondered vaguely if you were still working. He wasn’t sure. They made time talking quietly, until a black SUV rolled into the warehouse. “Woah, Doyoung,” He murmured, “Hold up.”

Jeno leaned forward, but quickly realized he probably wouldn’t be able to hear what was being said. “D.R.E.A.M, activate Heightened Intelligence Protocol.”

Activating Heightened Intelligence Protocol.

The protocol allowed Jeno to use the lenses over his eyes to zoom in on specific targets, as well as use a microphone embedded in the suit to pick up audio from far away and feed it directly into his ears.

He watched as three figures got out of the car, a fourth remaining in the driver’s seat. The trio stood in front of the car, and Jeno recognized the man in the middle as the man Junmyeon had been talking about.

“Alright, there’s Henry Duke,” He said, “The one in the middle.”

 “Got it,” Doyoung replied, sounding satisfied. “Now all we have to do is wait for the other party.”

“Did Junmyeon’s sources say anything about who it would be?”

“No. They weren’t able to find that out. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

Jeno’s eyes never left the man. “Do you think it’s something international?”

Doyoung sighed. “I’m not sure. If it is international, then you need to be even more careful.”

“Got it. I think—Wait, here they come.” 

A second vehicle, this one another black SUV, rolled up not too far away from the first car. The lights turned off and the engine sputtered to a stop, and four men stepped out of the vehicle.

Jeno’s stomach dropped, and of its own accord, his mouth let loose a quiet, “What the fuck,” as he registered the person leading them. 

“What?” Doyoung asked, before realizing what—who—he was looking at. “...Is that my dad?”

“I think it is,” Jeno whispered, fingertips suddenly numb. Who was he kidding? They both knew who it was. 

“So,” One of the men next to your dad said, “You show us yours, we’ll show you ours?”

Henry Duke clapped his hands together with an impish grin. “I suppose. Reagan, get the case.”

One of the two men standing beside him started off toward the trunk of the car. “It caught me off guard when I heard that the force wanted to purchase these. Almost made me wonder if this was your attempt at a sting operation.”

“What made you change your mind?” Your dad asked. Jeno swallowed at how cold he sounded. This wasn’t your dad, and it didn’t seem like Officer Kim either. This was someone Jeno had never met before. 

“Honestly, Kim?” Duke raised an eyebrow, shrugging. “It was you. Your cooperativeness and willing to feed us information, as well as your… insurance agreement. And besides, you made a very interesting point when you said that the Avengers Initiative and Park’s alum Spiderman is ruining the way the law operates around here. That type of bitterness… hard to fake.”

Your dad huffed. “We’re fucking tired of it.”

The man leaning against the car your dad had stepped out of scoffed. “If this helps us catch the little asshole, then so be it.”

Jeno frowned. “I’m not little—”

“Jeno, shut up!” Doyoung snapped. 

“—Alright, then.” The man holding the briefcase—Reagan—clicked it open, as if it were a prize reveal on The Price is Right. Five guns, all modified to hold glowing Chitauri stones were placed carefully together side by side.

“You know the basics. No radiation. Keep it away from security scanners and x-rays. They will blow up. And second of all, these are at half the price, along with the promise from the chief of police that my business won’t be touched, and will only be distributed to officers in on the operation and have agreed to turn off their body cameras when they decide to use these weapons. Should this not be a sting operation, we’ll be back here to negotiate.”

Jeno leaned forward, watching anxiously.

“Yes, sir,” Your dad answered, nodding. “We have the money here.”

“Hand it over, then.”

That was when Jeno made his mistake. He leaned forward too much, and proceeded to fall right through the hole, bringing down some scraps of the roof with him. As he tumbled through the air, the zoom on his lenses caused him to grow dizzy as he had no idea what he was looking at. He caught himself before he could fall, clumsily commanding D.R.E.A.M to go back to turn off the current protocol. His vision returned to normal, and he swung up onto a rafter holding the warehouse up.

“So, we have company.” Duke didn’t sound as amused as he had before. His face turned into a sneer. “Get him.”

In less than a second, before Jeno could say anything, five guns were pointed directly at him. He managed to swing away before any bullets could hit him. 

“Jeno, get out of there now,” Doyoung ordered. 

“What about the guns?” Jeno asked, swinging to another rafter. “They know I’m here, I might as well get them before I go—”

“No! Jeno, listen to what I’m telling you. You’ve done more than enough, and you need to let it g—”

Your dad aimed, and a bullet fired right at Jeno’s chest. For a second, he forgot that the chest area of the suit was lined with bulletproof material. While it didn’t shoot into his chest, it ricocheted right off him, and since he was in motion, it somehow caused the bullet to bounce back in the direction in which it came. 

The wind was knocked out of Jeno, but it was nothing compared to watching the bullet land in the middle of your father’s chest. On the other line, he heard Doyoung yell, followed by the sound of something falling. And then, as he made his way back towards the hole he’d fallen out of, he couldn’t rip his eyes away from the body as it crumpled to the ground. 

The others around him scrambled to get back into their respective cars. Jeno was back on the roof now, trying not to hyperventilate. “I’m sorry,” He gasped, “Do—Doyoung, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t want to—”

“Jeno, you need to get out of there, now,” Doyoung said, voice raspy. “GO!” 

So he did, and Doyoung cut off the call once he was out of the vicinity. Jeno didn’t blame him. He swung across buildings, feeling numb as he looked for the apartment complex roof where he’d decided to hide his backpack.

When he finally did, he changed in a hurry, before slumping against the wall and forcing himself to take deep breaths. 

Doyoung’s dad—your dad—was dead. And it was all his fault. 

He cried on the way down the staircase. He cried on his way to the subway. The entire time, he ignored people’s stares. Suddenly everything was too loud, and if he met someone in the eyes he’d just about break down in the middle of the station. 

As he got onto the train, Jeno thought about all of the things your dad had done for you, and for Jeno. All the times he'd taken you both to Coney Island in the summer when you were younger. The year Pokemon Go came out he took the both of you driving around in his car so you and Jeno could catch as many Pokemon as you could. 

He’d formally adopted you when you were thirteen. You were his daughter in nearly every sense of the word, regardless of blood. And now he was dead, because of a stupid mistake that Jeno had made.

What would you say if you knew? He didn’t want to know. Checking the time on his phone, he saw he’d gotten a message from you just three minutes ago.

[8:36 PM]

y/n: lemme know when ur outside!! :)

“Fuck,” He murmured, wiping his eyes. He knew he needed to stop crying before he got to your house, and he had about ten minutes before he got to his stop, and then another five minute walk to the neighborhood. He focused on taking deep breaths and taking long swigs from his water bottle in the meantime, trying to tune out the sound of other people talking and the sound of the train on the rails.

The walk was the longest five minute walk he’d ever taken. The flashing lights of convenience stores did nothing to calm him down. As the stores in his peripheral vision began transitioning into suburban homes, he felt his heart speed up again. The constant movement as he walked meant he missed his phone vibrating in his backpack as you rang his number.

After what seemed like an eternity, two familiar houses came into his line of vision, and his shoulders slumped as he spotted you on your porch, looking small and teary, curled up into a little ball. In one hand, you were clutching your phone.

His stomach twisted as he put on a confused tone, even though he knew damn well that you knew. “...Y/N?”

You stood up, running to him and burying yourself into his chest, crumpling into his arms. You would have fell over if Jeno hadn’t held both of you up. 

“Jeno,” You sobbed, “You’re n-not go-onna believe it.”

He brought a hand up to caress your hair, holding back tears of his own as he asked a question he already knew the answer to.

“Y/N, what happened?”

taglist: @decembermoonskz @itsapapisongo @lenaluvs​ @crescentjen​

[blxetsi]

modern levi ackerman dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

levi ackerman x gn!reader

- firstly, lets get love language out of the way

- i think his love language would be acts of service

- so like, he'll brew your coffee for you and set out your favourite mug when he goes to the kitchen to make his tea (bc we all know he'd wake up earlier than you 🙄)

- or he'll pick up a muffin from your favourite bakery on his way home

- or if you ask him to remind you to do something later, he's immediately writing it out on a sticky note and sticking it somewhere youd notice

- he notices youre getting low on your favourite moisturizer ? or lipbalm ? he's taking a picture of the packaging and getting it the next time he drives past walmart or smth

- he just does little things that help make your day better

- now i feel like a lot of people say this already, but he is NOT very comfortable with public displays of affection

- its not that he doesnt like it when you touch him, or hold his hand, or kiss his cheek, he just gets flustered and feels like everyone is watching you two

- but one thing he does allow is looping your arms together while you walk, especially in crowded streets

- it doesnt mean he doesnt like being close with you, he just hates doing it public. when youre alone ? hes ALL OVER YOU.

- "will you play with my hair ?"

- "levi im working."

- "okay can you multitask ?" motherfucker 😐

- doesnt matter if hes the big spoon or little spoon, just being close to you is enough.

- also would try and get used to your love language

- if your love language is physical touch hes genuinely surprised by how many times you put his hands on him each day (NOT in a sexual way) like even his mother never touched him as much and he's a momma's boy 😳

- when you wake up your coming out to the kitchen to fill your coffee, but not before kissing the top of his head as you walk past

- then youre guzzling down your coffee like its water before putting it in the sink and walking back, petting his head in the process

- you'll hug him while hes cooking, or brushing his teeth. youre giving him kisses before he leaves and when he comes home, just little small acts of love, but it happens so frequently that levi cant help but notice it

- your love language is verbal affirmations ? youre getting your coffee while saying "goodmorning beautiful"

- "i love yous" are thrown at him a lot, they never fail to make him feel better

- youll compliment this man and he short circuits for a second, quickly gets used to it as time goes on

- also too i think he'd be taller in a modern au, but not very very tall like erwin, im talking 5'7" to 5'9"

- and he's fine with his height, it doesn't bother him that much, he's the average height of a man so what's the big deal ?

- also he really doesnt care about height either. youre shorter than him ? cool, that means he can bend down to give you little forehead kisses. around the same height as him ? awesome, that makes it easier for him to give you a peck on the lips. taller than him ? mf he'll climb you like a tree if he has to. really doesn't care.

- also doesn't have a preferences for body type or anything. he thinks that character is way more important than looks 100% and he'll always find different things about you beautiful. your laugh is weird ? k now he's making you two watch a john mulaney special to so youll laugh. hate your belly and wanna lose weight, he's holding you and telling you to only lose weight if you genuinely want to be "healthier" and not so you get skinny. your acne scars bother you ? he's kissing your cheeks a lot more than usual, but you can't complain. literally Loves Every Part of You

- also i think his family would absolutely ADORE YOU and his friends for that matter

- miss kuchel is pulling you into a hug the first time she sees you, and is so accomodating and sweet. shes genuinely interested in your interests and what you do for a living, and will NOT hesitate to get levi's baby pictures out if you ask.

- his uncle ? he probably wont be there for the family dinner, but then kuchel's gonna call him up like "levi's s/o ?? absolutely spectacular !!" and then hes like "huh maybe i gotta come visit to see the runt and his lover"

- also i think in a modern au, kuchel wouldve gotten really sick when levi is a boy, so kenny would have came home to take care of his sister and try and take care of levi. in the end she got better, and he went back to his own home, but now she requests that he come for at least one family holidy so they can all spend it together

- BUT back to mr. ackerman

- idk what he'd do in modern times, i used to think he'd be a good english professor for a university, but then i saw a headcanon that he'd go into law school and become a lawyer, and honestly ?? it makes sense

- after a long day at work he just wants to come home to you, he'll find you on the couch reading or doing some of your own work, so he'll just slip off his coat and blazer and undo his tie while slipping off his shoes by the door. before plopping his head in your lap and requesting you to play with his hair.

- if you don't live with him hes taking a shower and then immediately calling you asking to come over. if you can ?? great he'll be in bed waiting to be spooned. if not, thats fine, but levi would like to facetime and rant.

- also has the absolute WORST road rage

- "that little prick cut me off !"

- "levi he's taking his driver's test !"

- "so ? i hope that instructor doesn't give the idiot a pass 🙄" and then will immediately honk his horn at the poor kid.

- also wouldnt be a clean freak like in canonverse. his whole "everything has to be spotless" stuff stems from trauma, specifically being left in an apartment with his decaying mother for weeks on end, but since kuchel is alive that never happens

- were things a little hectic during the time she was sick ? sure ! but kenny always tried to tidy up a bit when he saw it was getting to levi.

- levi just likes things to be neat and tidy, he doesnt do a deep clean of his apartment every two weeks, but always makes sure to clean up his messes as soon as they happen

- also doesnt like to fight

- his mom raised him with the idea that communication is key, and always encouraged him to "explain why hes upset" so they could work together to come up with a solution

- its something hes taken with him to adulthood, and even though sometimes he sounds like hes talking to a child when hes trying to get you to "use your words" he really doesnt mean to

- if youre yelling at him he'll stand there like 😐 and wait until youre out of breath so he can say "okay lets talk about this"

- is also very handy

- have a hole in your wall ? hes coming over to fix it

- need a lightbulb changed ? hes got u dont worry

- you need to assemble a piece of furniture ? he glances at the step by step guide once before hes putting it together

- hes so great at that stuff, and you only have kenny to thank

- literally when kenny first came to stay with levi and kuchel when she was sick, the kitchen light went out and he asked levi to screw another lightbulb in, the poor kid stood there like 🤨 and when kenny said "what ? you don't know how to change a fucking lightbulb ?" levi shook his head and said "uncle kenny im seven 😐"

- kenny was APPALLED. and immediately made it his mission to make levi as handy as himself.

- also, dates with him are rlly lowkey.

- he likes being in your company, so staying home and ordering take out is AWESOME in his opinion. sometimes he'll dress up and make a fancy meal with you.

- if you like going to carnivals and stuff, he's reluctant but eventually caves. wins you a lot of the prizes.

- "fuck. this shit is rigged y/n"

- "sorry levi, lets go do something else !"

- "what ? no. give me another dollar im getting you that fucking turtle"

- hange always wants to see you. levi makes it his life mission to keep you away from them as much as possible. not because he doesnt want you to get along with his friends, just because he knows that hange will spill some embarassing secrets from his college days.

- erwin ? hes okay but hes on thin fucking ice.

- also is very gentlemanly. will not only hold the door for you but for everyone. hes waiting in line for his order and someone comes up behind him and asks him to scootch so they can get some napkins ? mf its grabbing a handful himself and handing it to the person, wishing them a nice day with a small smile. hes just like,, a genuinely good person

- his singing voice ? immaculate. will he sing for you ? no.

- he also loves playing board games with you. like chess or checkers. you love playing board games with him and his friends, specifically monopoly. hange makes moblit form an alliance with them. mike is a lone wolf, and erwin and levi are always helping each other out until erwin betrays him. lots of trust is ruined between these game nights, but you literally cant bring yourself to care because its so fun to watch it unfold

this is my first headcanon thingy !! im v excited !! hope u all enjoyed 🤩✨ should i do more headcanons like these ???

- all in all, levi is a cool guy, and a cool bf.

[neveergoodenough]

07272021

making a su1c1d3 note for fun ^^

if you are reading this then, congrats you know how to read! oh and also that im gone

i dont know, im so tired. i feel like theres nothing going right in my life. on the outside i may look like a happy go lucky girl (i am on most days) and privileged one that everyone wouldnt guess that i, want to die.

im turning 23 tomorrow and whats the point really. as i write my anxiety is eating me up. i hate my birthday. i dont understand how anyone can be happy on their birthday. to me its like a reminder that i failed to complete my one goal, to die.

people will cry sure. but i can only count on my hands the people that will actually care, the people that will actually say that my absence left a whole in their life. bcs thats the truth, people will forget you eventually, alive or dead.

i dont think id had a person cry for me. its not an obligation of course but that they care to that extent. i dont really feel like i have friends sometimes. maybe i have 2 or 3 but thats it. the rest will and some already have forgotten me.

i have learned that life really does not have any meaning. we are just organisms bidding our time here on this floating and tainted rock. existing just to suffer. why cant it be my time now?

individual notes:

flo - im sorry. i know we promised each other that we'd go together but i couldnt anymore. i will start building our belle epoque at my destination. dont come so soon yet tho since i will be taking my sweet time planning it out, getting right material, watching the yt vids on how to build, yada yada. so dont catch with me yet. you still have a lot to do there and pls for me, survive and be happy.

ven, ianna, angel - hi besties. thank you for all the support you gave me since day 1. i know na one chat away lg kamo prmi sa bsan ano, so im going need you all to continue to do that with each other. be each other's strength. i wish you all happiness, and im sorry.

la fam x homo - pls continue to pursue something that was once my dream. i have no doubt in my mind that you all will find your own place in this world. thank you for the friendship even tho i slightly distanced myself. im sorry

mama - sorry ma, i have never been the perfect child. often times my selfish and prideful self stood a little higher. this pandemic distanced us even more than before and it might be an excuse but i still feel guilty. take care of your health and make good choices.

papa - honestly most of my traumas growing up was because of you. my anxiety, why i became so reserved as i grew up, and depressed (but u dont believe in that, right? let me be your perfect example then). but despite all of these, i couldnt hate you 100%, you were a good father, a provider. i will always be thankful for that. so dont blame yourself too much. do better pls, atleast for darla. you were wrong all along papa, i am not your strongest child.

lance - it was from you that suffered the biggest betrayal from. but i dont have the energy to be angry at you anymore, i can never get to you. you are like a closed boom that cant be opened but at the same time i dont wanna open anymore. im tired. but despite all of this, i so hope you are happy now, i hope you live your own life making your own decisions and owning up to all of them as well.

darla - all my money goes to you. i dont care kung anhun mo, go abroad or whatever. dont be oa, im not a millionaire but just take my money. withdraw it all before you all register my death certificate. my doh schol when i die will be cancelled but i wont leave you with debt so dont worry about that. wala na ko da so by all means darla, you have the freedom to leave our house na. no point in staying there if youll still be miserable. do it for yourself. save yourself. **pin numbers in my notes app

you can sell my bts stuff, they cost a fortune i promise. i want my funeral to be small, no unneccessary people (u know who, darla)

well this is goodbye then, i cant fully say i lived a good life since there was a lot of suffering. ill just say i lived a good chunk of days that made me want to survive for a little while longer.

[crescentmp3]

Precept One: Always Win Your Battles. Losing a battle earns you nothing and teaches you nothing. Win your battles, or don't engage in them at all!

Precept Two: Never Let Them Laugh at You. Fools laugh at everything, even at their superiors. But beware, laughter isn't harmless! Laughter spreads like a disease, and soon everyone is laughing at you. You need to strike at the source of this perverse merriment quickly to stop it from spreading.

Precept Three: Always Be Rested. Fighting and adventuring take their toll on your body. When you rest, your body strengthens and repairs itself. The longer you rest, the stronger you become.

Precept Four: Forget Your Past. The past is painful, and thinking about your past can only bring you misery. Think about something else instead, such as the future, or some food.

Precept Five: Strength Beats Strength. Is your opponent strong? No matter! Simply overcome their strength with even more strength, and they'll soon be defeated.

Precept Six: Choose Your Own Fate. Our elders teach that our fate is chosen for us before we are even born. I disagree.

Precept Seven: Mourn Not the Dead. When we die, do things get better for us or worse? There's no way to tell, so we shouldn't bother mourning. Or celebrating for that matter.

Precept Eight: Travel Alone. You can rely on nobody, and nobody will always be loyal. Therefore, nobody should be your constant companion.

Precept Nine: Keep Your Home Tidy. Your home is where you keep your most prized possession - yourself. Therefore, you should make an effort to keep it nice and clean.

Precept Ten: Keep Your Weapon Sharp. I make sure that my weapon, Life Ender, is kept well-sharpened at all times. This makes it much easier to cut things.

Precept Eleven: Mothers Will Always Betray You. This precept explains itself.

Precept Twelve: Keep Your Cloak Dry. If your cloak gets wet, dry it as soon as you can. Wearing wet cloaks is unpleasant, and can lead to illness.

Precept Thirteen: Never Be Afraid. Fear can only hold you back. Facing your fears can be a tremendous effort. Therefore, you should just not be afraid in the first place.

Precept Fourteen: Respect Your Superiors. If someone is your superior in strength or intellect or both, you need to show them your respect. Dont ignore them or laugh at them.

Precept Fifteen: One Foe, One Blow. You should only use a single blow to defeat an enemy. Any more is a waste. Also, by counting your blows as you fight, you'll know how many foes you've defeated.

Precept Sixteen: Don't Hesitate. Once you've made a decision, carry it out and don't look back. You'll achieve much more this way.

Precept Seventeen: Believe In Your Strength. Others may doubt you, but there's someone you can always trust. Yourself. Make sure to believe in your own strength, and you will never falter.

Precept Eighteen: Seek Truth in the Darkness. This precept also explains itself.

Precept Nineteen: If You Try, Succeed. If you're going to attempt something, make sure you achieve it. If you do not succeed, then you have actually failed! Avoid this at all costs.

Precept Twenty: Speak Only the Truth. When speaking to someone, it is courteous and also efficient to speak truthfully. Beware though that speaking truthfully may make you enemies. This is something youll have to bear.

Precept Twenty-One: Be Aware of Your Surroundings. Don't just walk along staring at the ground! You need to look up every so often, to make sure nothing takes you by surprise.

Precept Twenty-Two: Abandon the Nest. As soon as I could, I left my birthplace and made my way out into the world. Do not linger in the nest. There is nothing for you there.

Precept Twenty-Three: Identify the Foes Weak Point. Every foe you encounter has a weak point, such as a crack in their shell or being asleep. You must constantly be alert and scrutinise your enemy to detect their weakness!

Precept Twenty-Four: Strike the Foes Weak Point. Once you have identified your foe's weak point as per the previous precept, strike it. This will instantly destroy them.

Precept Twenty-Five: Protect Your Own Weak Point. Be aware that your foe will try to identify your weak point, so you must protect it. The best protection? Never having a weak point in the first place.

Precept Twenty-Six: Don't Trust Your Reflection. When peering at certain shining surfaces, you may see a copy of your own face. The face will mimic your movements and seems similar to your own, but I don't think it can be trusted.

Precept Twenty-Seven: Eat As Much As You Can. When having a meal, eat as much as you possibly can. This gives you extra energy, and means you can eat less frequently.

Precept Twenty-Eight: Dont Peer Into the Darkness. If you peer into the darkness and can't see anything for too long, your mind will start to linger over old memories. Memories are to be avoided, as per Precept Four.

Precept Twenty-Nine: Develop Your Sense of Direction. It's easy to get lost when travelling through winding, twisting caverns. Having a good sense of direction is like having a magical map inside of your head. Very useful.

Precept Thirty: Never Accept a Promise. Spurn the promises of others, as they are always broken. Promises of love or betrothal are to be avoided especially.

Precept Thirty-One: Disease Lives Inside of Dirt. You'll get sick if you spend too much time in filthy places. If you are staying in someone else's home, demand the highest level of cleanliness from your host.

Precept Thirty-Two: Names Have Power. Names have power, and so to name something is to grant it power. I myself named my nail Life Ender. Do not steal the name I came up with! Invent your own!

Precept Thirty-Three: Show the Enemy No Respect. Being gallant to your enemies is no virtue! If someone opposes you, they don't deserve respect or kindness or mercy.

Precept Thirty-Four: Don't Eat Immediately Before Sleeping. This can cause restlessness and indigestion. It's just common sense.

Precept Thirty-Five: Up is Up, Down is Down. If you fall over in the darkness, it can be easy to lose your bearings and forget which way is up. Keep this precept in mind!

Precept Thirty-Six: Eggshells are brittle. Once again, this precept explains itself.

Precept Thirty-Seven: Borrow, But Do Not Lend. If you lend and are repaid, you gain nothing. If you borrow but do not repay, you gain everything.

Precept Thirty-Eight: Beware the Mysterious Force. A mysterious force bears down on us from above, pushing us downwards. If you spend too long in the air, the force will crush you against the ground and destroy you. Beware!

Precept Thirty-Nine: Eat Quickly and Drink Slowly. Your body is a delicate thing and you must fuel it with great deliberation. Food must go in as fast as possible, but fluids at a slower rate.

Precept Forty: Obey No Law But Your Own. Laws written by others may inconvenience you or be a burden. Let your own desires be the only law.

Precept Forty-One: Learn to Detect Lies. When others speak, they usually lie. Scrutinise and question them relentlessly until they reveal their deceit.

Precept Forty-Two: Spend Geo When You Have It. Some will cling onto their Geo, even taking it into the dirt with them when they die. It is better to spend it when you can, so you can enjoy various things in life.

Precept Forty-Three: Never Forgive. If someone asks forgiveness of you, for instance a brother of yours, always deny it. That brother, or whoever it is, doesn't deserve such a thing.

Precept Forty-Four: You Can Not Breathe Water. Water is refreshing, but if you try to breathe it you are in for a nasty shock.

Precept Forty-Five: One Thing Is Not Another. This one should be obvious, but I've had others try to argue that one thing, which is clearly what it is and not something else, is actually some other thing, which it isn't. Stay on your guard!

Precept Forty-Six: The World is Smaller Than You Think. When young, you tend to think that the world is vast, huge, gigantic. It's only natural. Unfortunately, it's actually quite a lot smaller than that. I can say this, now having travelled everywhere in the land.

Precept Forty-Seven: Make Your Own Weapon. Only you know exactly what is needed in your weapon. I myself fashioned Life Ender from shellwood at a young age. It has never failed me. Nor I it.

Precept Forty-Eight: Be Careful With Fire. Fire is a type of hot spirit that dances about recklessly. It can warm you and provide light, but it will also singe your shell if it gets too close.

Precept Forty-Nine: Statues are Meaningless. Do not honour them! No one has ever made a statue of you or I, so why should we pay them any attention?

Precept Fifty: Don't Linger on Mysteries. Some things in this world appear to us as puzzles. Or enigmas. If the meaning behind something is not immediately evident though, don't waste any time thinking about it. Just move on.

Precept Fifty-One: Nothing is Harmless. Given the chance, everything in this world will hurt you. Friends, foes, monsters, uneven paths. Be suspicious of them all.

Precept Fifty-Two: Beware the Jealousy of Fathers. Fathers believe that because they created us we must serve them and never exceed their capabilities. If you wish to forge your own path, you must vanquish your father. Or simply abandon him.

Precept Fifty-Three: Do Not Steal the Desires of Others. Every creature keeps their desires locked up inside of themselves. If you catch a glimpse of another's desires, resist the urge to claim them as your own. It will not lead you to happiness.

Precept Fifty-Four: If You Lock Something Away, Keep the Key. Nothing should be locked away forever, so hold onto your keys. You will eventually return and unlock everything you hid away.

Precept Fifty-Five: Bow to No-one. There are those in this world who would impose their will on others. They claim ownership over your food, your land, your body, and even your thoughts! They have done nothing to earn these things. Never bow to them, and make sure to disobey their commands.

Precept Fifty-Six: Do Not Dream. Dreams are dangerous things. Strange ideas, not your own, can worm their way into your mind. But if you resist those ideas, sickness will wrack your body! Best not to dream at all, like me.

Precept Fifty-Seven: Obey All Precepts. Most importantly, you must commit all of these precepts to memory and obey them all unfailingly. Including this one!

[studyingwithchan]

so ive been struggling with both depression and anxiety for a while now, but both have went undiagnosed until a couple weeks ago

as of last year, the depression side of it has started to show more,,, usually the anxiety part was the strongest, but things have changed ! so now i will give u guys some tips that ive learned for coping with it, specifically for school

youre going to feel like quitting and it’s okay

lately, it’s been very hard for me to study. usually the anxiety is like omg !!! u have to !!! or else youll fail ur entire life !! and then depression is like “lol”

tbh it’s okay to give yourself a break from it. i find myself taking more breaks than usual, and theyre much longer now, but it helps. sure it takes me a little longer to get it done, but at least im giving my mental state well deserved breaks.

also, if you feel like you really just cant do it, and youre mentally exhausted, then stop. when youre in that state, it’s harder to take stuff in and it’s harder to retain information. it’s okay to push yourself a little past your limits, but dont break yourself.

exercise is your best friend

okay listen. it works.

at first, it was INSANELY HARD for me to work out, it felt like i was a giant cinder block that could not get anything done.

but i paced myself. that’s the most important thing to do. just do maybe a 15 minute walk on the treadmill, or if youre not comfortable with the gym, just walk around your house. do something that gets you out of bed and eventually youll crave more. because working out starts to make you feel good.

because of all this feelin good youll start to study better. taking in and retaining information becomes easier. it jus takes time and patience. i know it’s hard, and i know it’s easier to not exercise, but it’s worth it. i pinkie promise.

watch what you eat

this one is probably the hardest one for me to follow. ive been craving more “comfort foods” like pasta, fast food, and chocolate with soda.

chocolate and soda sound so good, don’t they? but it wont help you STUDY.

nuhnuhnuh, if you consume those kinds of things a lot in a day or in a week, it isnt gonna help your mindset which will lead to a horrible study session (and a worse lifestyle but we’re talking school here). fruits and vegetables are your real brain food, you need brain food, consume a nice big salad. give ur body some water please omg give it a bottle of water.

make your notes look cute!

i know this sounds a little ridiculous ok. but it helped me, so i thought id share it.

i had to do this BIG presentation on tapeworms like 15-20 minutes with a whole 3-4 page disease report on it. all due in the same week. my mind said: fuck that.

you know what though? the hardest part is starting. so the first thing i did was get a sheet of graph paper and looked up some fake calligraphy guides and made a cute, but disgusting title that said “Tapeworms.” and as i researched more, i kept adding little boxes and highlighting in different colors that still matched the theme, and i wrote all the research on that piece of paper.

it was glorious. and hey, i had everything i needed to do a presentation, and to write my report. it took me 2 hours to write the report and about an hour to do the presentation. idk why all those colors worked, but it did. now i do all of my notes like that because it helps me to get stuff done when things are appealing to look at.

basically, you know what im getting at

if you choose a healthier lifestyle, it will help you in school. notice how most of those tips were changing some of the bad habits that come with depression. it’s hard to do, but im in the process of doing it, and it’s helping a lot. self-discipline is a treasure, and you need it to survive this. and you can find it, it just takes time. you can do it. i know you can.

some other odd tips

sleep with a stuffed animal at night,,, it’s a comfort

get those papermate gel pens, or the bic pens and use crayola supertips as highlighters !!!

find a new book to read, it’ll keep your mind fresh

or do some puzzles! keep your brain working with sudoku or jigsaw puzzles

start somewhere. even if it’s typing 2 sentences within an hour, you have started something so good job!

make a list of things you need to do, but mark the top 3 tasks that Need to be Done by Today

don’t drink a lot of coffee. try tea instead.

[fairycosmos]

hi chloe idk if youll see this but i only have a year left until college and i live in an abusive household. no one understands me and my mom and dad especially don't. my older sister doesnt seem to hold the patience to listen to whenever i do try and call her once annually. i dont know how much longer i can hold on. it literally hurts my mind so much thinking about all of it, especially after abusive episodes from them. im scared to live alone but i just cant wait to

gosh im so sorry to hear that love :( while i’m proud of you for making it this far and for being able to talk about it with me, it’s really awful that you’ve had to deal with it for so long, and that it’s happening to you in the first place. especially during your adolescence, which is a time when we’re all super impressionable. a time when we all feel like nothing is ever going to change. and i can definitely relate to nobody even taking the time to understand you, and to feeling like you’re being overlooked or forgotten. when we experience something like this our brains often to try to make sense of the actions of those around us by turning towards self blame, and internalizing all the negativity + manipulating it into self hatred. but i think its important to remember that you are not responsible for what others do, in this context. how they choose to treat you is not a reflection of you or of what you deserve, alright? your sister’s selfishness is a trait of her own. your parent’s anger is a result of their lack of control and self regulation. none of this is on you. it may be hard to truly believe that in this moment, but nonetheless i think it’s a sentiment you should try to keep close to your heart. it’s not your fault that you have been failed by the people who were supposed to protect you, and it doesn’t mean that any future bonds you form will turn out the same way. it’s normal to want to give up at times, but you must know that there’s a difference between temporarily feeling that way and actually acting on it in a very permanent way. i said this another anon the other day, but i mean it just as much: you have so much waiting for you. and you didn’t survive all of that for nothing. once you’re in college and you have autonomy over your own life, once you get to choose how much time you spend with your parents and how much you let them in - all of the pain and toxic beliefs you’ve built your world view around will begin to slowly dissipate. and that may be a life long process, but it’s supposed to be. you have all of the time in the world to build your own existence and to heal from what’s happened to you. there are so many different tools to utilize, paths to walk down and people to meet who will show you what it’s like to be truly loved. including yourself, the person you will grow into. if you just give yourself the chance. i know it’s not that much comfort in this moment because you still have to deal with your parents and their bullshit, but it’s good to consciously remind yourself of all the good that is out there. when you’re an anxious and hurt person, it’s common to suffer from a sense of impending doom or failure, but the reality of it will be so much more of a calm, gradual process than you realize.

that being said, i’m quite worried that you’re still in this situation and that your parents are just okay with periodically putting you through ‘episodes’. it’s NOT okay. and you have every right to process hurt, anger, bitterness, sadness, numbness because of it. while it may be painful, there is no shame in crying or in feeling whatever you need to feel. it’s a normal human response to such emotional turmoil, so try to go easy on yourself honey. you’re doing what you can with what you’ve been given. however, it’s important to understand that the presence of these negative emotions is never an excuse to harm yourself or worse. i understand that it’s extremely overwhelming, and that it may sometimes feel beyond your control. but even just attempting to put some positive coping mechanisms in place may make all the difference, even if they don’t work every single time. this can be anything from creating a safe space for yourself (in your room, or could be somewhere outside like the park or a library) to researching breathing techniques and self affirmations, to journaling or venting to your friends, to meditation to finding a comfort hobby/show to simply lying in bed and sobbing the feelings out and then going to sleep, maybe practicing some self care. every small effort counts, even if it feels like the dumbest thing in the world. if you keep it up on a semi consistent basis, you will notice a shift eventually. it’s possible to hurt and grow at the same time. i also think it could be a good idea to consider reaching out to someone about this - perhaps a school counselor, or a mental health hotline, or a support group in your area. maybe make an appointment with your doctor to see if they can recommend any resources, if possible? whatever works for you. i just really think it’s important that you understand on a very fundamental level that you have every right to talk about what’s going on, and that there are so many ppl out there who understand. who have even been through the same thing, and survived after it and thrived. i know this is one of those suggestions that feels very scary and like you just can’t do it, but if there’s any service available to you i’d really recommend utilizing it, or at least not ignoring the option all together. having someone you can be honest with and who can enable you to develop some self esteem, plus some added perspective so you don’t feel as ‘trapped’, will really make it all feel a little less heavy. consistent therapy/counseling will show you how to unlearn all of the mental habits you’ve developed over the years due to the treatment you’ve endured, and you deserve that relief. i get that it all feels like a lot of effort, and i’m not saying that doing this stuff is a quick fix. i’m saying that you have a life and an existence that is worth investing in, that is worth caring about. you are worth the world, FUCK your parents for making you question that due to their own mental and emotional issues. regardless of your past, you’re here and you deserve better. you will find better. you’re so much closer to getting ‘out’ than you realize. while it’s normal to be scared of living alone, humans adapt quite quickly. and you wont be alone in the way that you imagine, you’ll simply have agency over your own choices. like i said before, there are so many ppl who are going to show you what it’s like to truly treasured, who you haven’t even met yet. it’s just a matter of treating yourself softly, the way you’d treat a friend going through a hard time, until you get to that point. and also a matter of knowing your parents are full of shit. but anyway, this got far too long. i just have a lot to say, i hate how adults choose to have babies and then do this to them.....if you want to talk about it properly, or if you need a friend or anything. please feel free to send me a message. i’ll be here, and i believe in you !! one day at a time 💌

[cutemoniic]

full offense, because i care very little about this website anymore, but people who completely and consciously refuse at providing ooc communication should be kicked out of this community. there should be a certaint rulebreaker that doesnt allow people past a certaint point with this. there should be a message that pops up over their blog with something like ''buddy, you fucked up now'' in massive blinding lights and automatically kicks them out of the website. also, this rant was overdue.

im not talking about people who struggle with anxiety regarding communicating out of character, im talking about people who can communicate properly and weaponize the fuck out of it. social/online anxiety, bad news i know, isnt shitting on someone in a group chat while having complete power to communicate to them ''hey, this x thing that happened/that you said rubbed me the wrong way, can we talk about it?'', but choosing to withdraw any form of communication to stir some drama because youre thirsty for it. social/online anxiety isn't failing so badly at communicating that even YOU cannot accept it and unload the blame on someone else completely just because you feel like this is the right thing to do. REAL socially anxious people are in the rpc community and they are doing their best to reach out to people to form friendships and meaningful relationships. imagine having the power and the abilities to communicate properly, but withholding it all because youre on a sick power trip and want to shit as much as possible over the other person just because of a slight you perceived was done towards you. when this happens, you don't moan and whine about said perceived slight: you move your ass, gather your maturity and go talk to the other person about it. if it wasnt intentional youll receive an apology and a promise to do better, and if it was intentional or the person did it in a malicious light? call them the fuck out. warn others. make a fucking storm up so they will run away in shame. but at least you will have done the correct thing: communicating.

as i talked about it before over my dualscar blog, even if on another topic, this is a community hobby: it means that we are all conjoining energies to make ourselves and everyone else a fun time by communicating with eachother. i assume that everyone that joins here, or has been on tumblr for a long time, knows that ooc communication is a necessary thing to have a pleasant experience. there's a problem? we talk about it. something happens that causes anxiety? we talk about it! it should be this simple. this should be a source of solid comfort for other people. knowing that they are more than their own muses and knowing that the other person on the other side of the screen will reach out if they are upset at them, so the problem can be tackled out. i had a few traumatic experiences based on ooc communication that shaped up how much i oocly contact others: i have been blamed for being too attached to ooc communication when the other person completely and utterly failed to communicate their share and left me to shoulder it all. i have been withheld big time ooc communication until i talked about it, and gaslight into ''but if you asked me for more ooc communication i would have used it! xd'' when in reality it wasnt true, etc. man, i have been shunned so fucking much for valueing ooc communication as i do and i can see why, today. most of the people im talking about also shadily changed names to not be recognized by these days so lol!

because ooc is a powerful tool of communication, it will be weaponized from malicious people in order to stir up drama and to have both positive and negative attentions drawn on them. it will be withheld just to make the one doing it feel powerful and make their victim feel bad. anything that will be shifted from people who believe of themselves as ''blameless'' and ''the true victims'' will be shifted into the person who just wants to have a safer experience with communication. people will literally thing ''i know i am to blame for this, but let me flip it all around or ill shatter like a mirror because i cannot face responsabilities and have the maturity of a candy cane'' and shit like this. while im usually a very empathetic person, i see shit like this and i lose it.

if you don't get why ooc communication is important, or have no intentions on changing how you communicate, you are not welcome in the rpc community.

this rant, which will obviously be taken and talked about various malicious trashtalking chatrooms to judge me for it, because this is how ''ooc communication'' is right now, is aimed to be seen by certaint people and give them strenght. i mean to tell them ''you arent alone in having been mistreated over ooc community, c'mere. lemme give you an hug''. this rant is to reassure REAL socially anxious people that i feel for them and dont want uncommunicative fuckfaces to make their experience even worse than what it is already. if you feel called out by this rant, im not up to listen to your excuses and reasons, and if you contact me looking to argue, you're gonna be blocked the moment the sound of your message hits my IMs. if instead you feel called out by this rant and want to know what you did wrong and look for advices to improve, im willing to help you if theres no victimism involved and we can talk like two mature people if you want to get better. im a patient person if you show remorse.

if someone adamantly refused to ooc communicate, manipulates you or shuns you for it, start protecting yourself if you are not ready to call them out.

inform your friends in the most neutral way that you can. ''this person has caused me grief over ooc communication by not using it/weaponizing it against me etc, and has put me into a difficult situation. be careful''. mass block them the moment they try this bullshit over your other pals too. avoid this person until they have nothing left to do but apologize and promise to be better, and once actual progresses are made make sure to have a talk with them to make them understand why this happened and what about this irked you and caused you to react strongly. if there is no remorse or apology, continue avoiding them. people will eventually come around after they are hurt too, and will need you to mend their wounds. people will start listening after it. its all a chain of events that cannot be stopped until the perpetrator of this bullshit stops and looks at their actions.

callouts aren't required.

as a final word, i will say it again: if you cannot recognize that this community is still trying desperately to find comfort in communication and you wanna do your worst to ruin it, do everybody that still has some sanity a favor and leave, because you will not be welcomed unless you radically change how you act.

[ladyboltontoyou]

Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter

Ask: Ok well I was wondering if you could write an Arthur Morgan x Reader where the reader is the daughter of a rich farm owning family and Arthur rides up to the farm/ranch one day to scope the place out and see if they're easy to rob but somehow ends up with heart eyes for the reader and starts sneaking around to see her. Doesn't have to be smut, but that would be awesome. Thank you!

Warnings: Probably cursing. A bit of an age gap since Arthur is, you know, like 30 something, and the reader is still living with her parents.

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader 

A/N: So this turned out longer than I had originally planned oops. ALso apparently freezers were invented around the 1830′s so don’t come at me for having ice cubes in Arthurs drink ok. I really hope this is what you imagined and it doesn’t seem rushed, even though I spent like 4 hours on it. Hope it’s not too short or too long. OKAY I’M DONE RAMBLING YOU CAN READ NOW.

The last thing you expected to see on a Friday afternoon was a stranger on a white horse riding up your dirt road. You had been reading a book on your upstairs balcony when you saw him, at first just a small white speck a ways away. But when that white speck started making noise you looked up and saw it was a man on a horse, a visitor. You rarely got visitors here that weren’t two men on a wagon full of supplies. 

You set your book down on the table and leaned forward to get a better look as he neared the front of your house. He looked handsome enough, even though you were on the second story balcony and he was on the ground below. From what you could see he was a rugged man about thirty or so, not the kind of men your parents usually dealt with. Your curiosity got the best of you and you walked back inside and downstairs where you saw your father opening the front doors. One of his work friends stood beside him in case things were to go south, his hand sitting comfortably on his pistol as a gentle warning to the stranger that stood on your porch.

“Sorry to bother you folks, I was looking for the Braithwaite manor and it looks like I got myself lost. Do you know whereabouts that is?” His voice sounded so friendly and warm, you would never expect that he was there to see if you would be easy to ransack. You watched the conversation go down from the bottom step of the staircase and tried not to look too obvious. 

Your father was totally oblivious and way too trusting. “No worries friend, these back roads are tricky. Fancy a drink? You look like you’ve been riding all day. Come inside and I’ll have my wife draw you up some directions.”

The man looked hesitant but eventually shrugged. “You’re too kind. I’d really appreciate it.” 

You took the chance to walk into the tea room since you knew they’d come inside any minute, and you didn’t want to look suspicious. Plus, you wanted to be nosey, it wasn’t often attractive strangers came by. You sat down at the table and picked up the book from the table, something you had already read before, and tried your best to look as if you had been doing it for some time already.

“Who’s that man outside?” Your mother had snuck up behind you and scared the daylights out of you when she leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“I don’t know.” You said after you recovered from the scare. “But he sure is good looking.” 

She peaked at the front door and nodded in approval at your taste. “You’re not wrong about that.” Thank god it was your mother and not your grandmother, she would have chided you for hours about being indecent. 

Finally, they came in and the man took off his hat, looking around as his eyes adjusted to the change of light. He looked even better looking close up. His facial hair was trimmed neatly but looked like it had grown in a little, the hair on his head the same. His face was partially spotted from the dust in the air from horse hooves but he didn’t look truly dirty, nothing compared to your farmboys.

 He looked around and seemed impressed with the place, his eyes looking into every room he could see from his spot. When he looked into the room your father began walking into, the tea room, he only spared you a short glance. 

Alright, well, you weren’t used to that. Most men who saw you immediately started complimenting your parents on how gorgeous you were, praising you and never failing to remark some version of ‘You’ll make a wonderful wife/Someone a very happy husband/Beautiful children’. But he didn’t say a thing.

“Darling, would you be so kind as to draw some directions from here to Braithwaite manor? Our friend  here has gotten lost.” Your father asked your mother who smiled and obliged, heading upstairs to get some paper. “Oh! I didn’t even see you there!” He said when he noticed you sitting on the couch. “Could you bring our guest some tea?”

The stranger looked at you and looked like he was about to decline and tell you not to worry yourself but you were already standing up. “Sure thing daddy, need anything else?” You asked sweetly with a smile. 

Your father looked to the man who just shook his head and tried to say ‘I’m fine’ and ‘No thank you’ at the same time. “No, I’m, thank you,” He jumbled over his words and looked visibly embarrassed. “I’m alright.”

You smiled widely, amused by that. He looked away and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. Your father paid no mind and led him to the couch, talking about how harsh the month had been with no rain at all. 

When you got back from the kitchen with a glass of tea he looked up and accepted the glass from you happily, muttering a ‘thanks’ before he almost chugged the entire thing, even chewing on some of the ice. Your mother came down the stairs with a piece of paper in hand and one of your nice fountain pens in the other. 

“You’ll have to excuse my writing, I’m not the best artist.” She joked and sat on the single chair across from the couch. “You should have told our artist here to do it instead, she could draw him the best map he’d ever laid his eyes on.” She joked and you tried not to let them see how bashful she made you. She always bragged about you and anything you did, you could draw something purposefully awful and she would still treat it like a priceless painting.

“Oh it’s alright, I’m sure I’ll manage.” He chuckled, taking more ice into his mouth. 

You sat down on the other side of the couch and watched the man from the corner of your eye. He looked around the house while his jaw moved to chew the ice as if he was taking note of every single window and door. “Say, you folks-”

Your mother sighed in frustration, putting two fingers on her forehead in exasperation. “I’m sorry, I can barely draw a line. Darling, could you please?” She slid the paper across the table and gave you a sweet look.

“I’ll try.” You laughed and leaned down, taking the pen from her.

“What were you saying?” Your father asked from his seat and the man looked confused before he remembered.

“I was just going to ask if you knew of some good people to hire for security. Assuming those men at the end of the road are what I’m thinkin’ they are.”

“Yes, they work for a man named Michael, he hires men that used to be in the war and sells their services to those who can afford it.” Your father said proudly. Arthur just nodded.

“Here’s the house.” You said to the man as you drew a small house next to the scribbles your mother had done. He scooted closer to you carefully and watched as you drew. “And here’s the road. The corn fields are on the right, the tobacco on the left.” You kept talking as you drew and tried to focus on moving the pen instead of how close he was to you. His body heat radiated off of him and grazed your bare arm and neck, you could hear him breathing slowly. He smelt like smoke and day-old cologne mixed with the leather from his coat. 

As you gave him directions he would never need Arthur felt morality tug at his heartstrings. You were such good people, welcoming him into your home and showing such hospitality. He would have to tell Dutch there was no way, there were too many workers and guards, he would make something up. He came expecting a snooty rich family but was caught off guard by good people. You all had the generosity, kindness, and respect of poor folk.

When you finished you slid the map over on the table. “Let it sit for a minute before you touch it, the ink’s still wet.” You warned and put the cap back on the pen. “Especially here.” You laughed softly and pointed at the words of his destination where you had spelled it wrong the first time and scratched it out.

He nodded and muttered an ‘alright’, looking at you from a side glance. Your father talked for a while about the people who lived in the manor, not being shy about his opinion. Arthur couldn’t have agreed more but he kept up his facade and played dumb. 

“It’s dry now.” You said and Arthur looked away from your father. You were looking at the paper so he took the chance to actually look at you, unintentionally admiring you. Normally he was good about keeping his eyes where they belonged. If there was anyone who respected women it was Arthur, but it was hard not to appreciate your beauty. He figured your sweetness was the only reason he stared. It had been a while since he saw a sweet girl who wasn’t trying to pickpocket him or get him to spend a fortune in the saloon. 

“Thank you.” He picked up the paper and admired your work. One of the few things he could really appreciate was art. You drew so effortlessly, the small roads and hills looked like the maps he’d seen the professionals sell. “Well, I reckon I better be on my way, I’ve taken up too much of your time.” 

“Not at all.” Your father stood up and so did the stranger. They shook hands as he thanked your father who shook him off and pat his back a few times. “You sure there’s nothing else we could do for you?”

“You’ve done more than enough.” He promised and looked back to you and your mother, the paper held gently in his hands. “Thank you both for your hospitality. And for the map.” He held up the paper and you smiled, causing him to unknowingly do the same. 

When he started walking out the door with your father you ran upstairs and almost fell off your balcony to watch him ride off. The hot wind hit your face when you reached the banister, just in time to watch him ride off. He put his hat back on and took one last look behind him, not failing to notice the beautiful young girl watching him leave.

***

The frogs and crickets sang while the fireflies lit the black air with soft pulsating gold. You were on your banister half reading a book and half watching the farmboys work in the fields below, their lanterns bobbing gently through the rows of plants, stopping occasionally to pull up weeds or a dead plant. 

It was hard to read. It was stupid to even try. But there was nothing else to do to take your mind off of your thoughts, even though reading wasn’t doing a good job at that. At least it was something.

A dog barking in the distance made you set your book down. It was the dogs they kept up at the end of the road to warn when someone was coming. You waited a minute to see if they would calm down but they didn’t. You heard your father yell downstairs to the men at the end of the road, and they responded with something about deer in the woods. 

You believed it for a moment until you heard rattling from the other side of your balcony. The first thing that came to mind was some kind of greasy gunslinging bastard but before you could start screaming two arms hooked over the side of the ledge, covered by that same damn leather jacket you had been so close to earlier. 

It shouldn’t have made you feel any better considering his original intentions were to rob your family for everything they had. But for some reason you had a feeling he wasn’t a threat to you. That made you incredibly stupid and naive but thankfully, for once, you were right in this situation. 

When he finally pulled himself over he looked surprised to see you standing there watching him. “Now, before you start screaming,” He said as he reached up to grab the lantern that hung above him. “I’m not here to hurt you or anything like that.” He blew out the small flame and the two of you were suddenly surrounded by darkness. 

“Then why are you here?” You asked cautiously. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to see him again, but the last thing you expected was this. If anyone saw him your father's politeness would be out the window as well as Arthur.

He sighed as if he didn’t know why himself. “You been on my mind girl, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why my dumbass thought it would be a good idea to risk not only my ass but yours, just to come back up here and ask for your name.”

You covered your mouth to stifle that bubbled in your throat. “Truly? That’s why?”

Arthur laughed softly, shaking his head when he realized how ridiculous it was. “I suppose so. And I wanted to ask for another one of those hundred-dollar drawings you make.” 

You laughed again and put your fingers on the bottom lip you held between your teeth. “Oh yeah? Was my map that good?”

He grinned and looked down at his boots, kicking them against the floor to kick some pebbles loose from the bottoms. He couldn’t believe how young he felt then, like he was only sixteen again flirting around with the farmer's daughter. The only thing different from that was he was much, much, much older. If the other men in the gang saw him they’d make fun of him till the day he died for sneaking around for a girl. 

“Well, okay, I guess I can make you something.” You smiled while biting your lip. He put on a show of acting grateful, clasping his hands together and placing them in front of his forehead. When you recovered from quiet laughter you went into your room to get some paper and a pencil. You made sure both your doors were locked before you went back onto your dark balcony. You stopped in the open doorway, noticing how little you could see. There was no way you could draw anything out there unless a lantern was lit, but that would be too bright and anyone nearby would be able to see the two of you. “I can’t see out here, maybe we should go in my room.” 

He was reluctant for a minute, considering how fast he’d be able to run and jump out the balcony if need be. “Yeah, sure.” He sighed and walked towards the doors. The spurs on his boots lightly jingled and you could hear fabric moving against fabric as he moved past you into your dimly lit room. “Been a while since I’ve been in a room this nice.” He admitted as he looked around your room. 

“You live in a barn then?” You teased and sat down at the table near the windows. “Oh, I never told you my name. It’s (Y/N).” 

Arthur leaned against the wall near you and crossed his ankles, nodding as he thought over your name. “(Y/N). Never met anyone with that name before.”

You smiled proudly, twirling the pencil in your fingers. “And yours?”

He paused, considering while he looked out the window. “Arthur.” He said finally and looked back to you. 

“Arthur.” You mused before remembering what you were supposed to be doing. “Ah, sorry, what did you say you want me to draw you?”

He snorted and crossed his arms. “I didn’t give that any thought, do anything you’d like.” 

You bit your lip and looked him up and down. “Okay. It might take me a little while though.” He wanted to say ‘good’, but held his tongue and settled for a ‘That’s okay’.

After about an hour of talking, constant talking, you were finally finished. “If I had longer I could have done better, but, here.” You slid the paper across the table to him. After a while, he got tired and had sat down across from you.

He took the paper in his hands and squinted before his eyes widened. “Christ, girl.” He breathed and looked over the lines and shading. “You’re better than me.”

“You draw too?” You asked with sudden interest but he didn’t respond, he was too caught up in the paper in front of him. 

“I can’t believe this. Did you take a picture of me when I wasn’t looking?” He shook his head and scratched his chin as he continued admiring it. 

You blushed and ran a hand through your hair, he made you into a flustered mess with those praises. They were different when they were coming from someone who wasn’t kin. “Thank you.” It was all you could say. You didn’t expect him to like it that much, it was a hurried sketch of him leaning against your wall, but as much as you liked to pretend your art wasn’t that good there was no denying that this was an exceptionally realistic drawing. You were almost sad to see it go.

Arthur shook his head and looked up from the paper, looking at you completely different. Like how your father looked at your mother the first time he saw her shoot a gun. Newfound respect and admiration glinted in those pretty blue eyes of his, all directed to you. He was going to say something else but the sounds of heels coming up the stairway stopped him. 

“(Y/N)! I just found a letter from June, it came yesterday but-” She grabbed your doorknob and tried to open it, only succeeding in causing the door to shake slightly. Arthur looked at you with wide eyes as she called out your name a second time. 

“Go, hurry!” You whispered and he sat up as quickly and quietly as he could, tiptoeing to the open doors. “One second, I’m changing into my nightdress!” You called back to her as you rushed the grown man out of your room.

He paused in the same spot he had climbed up, one hand on the jasmine covered lattice he had used as a ladder. “Could I come see you again?” He asked boldly, the paper in his hand slightly moving from the breeze. 

You laughed in disbelief. “There’s no way I could say no to that. You better.”

Arthur smiled then, the widest and cheesiest smile he had worn in a while. If it wasn’t for the lantern sitting inside your room next to the window he stood near, you wouldn’t have seen it. You wanted to say more, but he swung his legs over the edge and left you to explain to your mother why you spent so long doing something so simple.

[prontaentrega]

Do you have any tips for pathologic classic? I'm going to start playing it but I heard it's hard and I don't want to enter it without knowing what to expect lmao

Pathologic isnt that hard really its just frustrating and mentally draining and a little bit unfair. But if you figure out how things work its p simple

Check your lettersss. Sometimes you get a weird symbol on the left corner of the screen and that means you have a new letter. You can check them with [L] but the game never tells you this and thats weird bc theyre really important. Thats how you get most quests and other useful stuff

Look in the trashcans and pick up everything, and trade what you find with kids and drunks. This is the best way to get drugs and bandages bc stores are expensive. But not all kids trade the same items so you should get familiar with them. Money is better spent in food

Related to that last point ALWAYS trade for medicine when you can!! It doesnt matter if youre not infected yet bc you WILL get the plague eventually and you will need the medicine and youll be broke. Better to start saving from day one

As i said you will get infected. this is unavoidable so dont waste panaceas or schmowders on yourself bc youll just get infected again later, you should save them for the bound instead

Theres food on victoria's tomb (north of the crucible) on day one. This is so sex it saved me from starvation on haruspex day 1

Pay attention to the dialogues! The important conversations only happen once and you cant repeat them, and you can fail quests by saying the wrong thing to someone. The things you say actually matter. And sometimes you can trick people into giving you schmowders

Using guides is ok sometimes... The game is really confusing sometimes and other times its just bugged. I missed some quests bc you can only trigger them before talking to a certain person but the game doesn't tell you this and its annoying

Save a lot. Like. A lot. Always keep a save at the start of the day. And savescumming is also ok bc youll be dying a lot and its annoying having to do the same long ass trip again bc you died stupidly and forgot to save

You only have to complete the main quest each day (its completed when the last paragraph starts with ***) to keep your bound safe. Failing or not completing all other quests is not that important (but youll want to do them anyways)

Ah in general the game doesnt tell you 70% of things. At first you get markers in your map telling you where to go but on later days its all on you to know where people or things are. Sometimes characters hint towards someone or something and its up to you to go there and see whats happening. Sometimes you get quests with nice rewards and other times its just a waste of time

Uhh thats it i think. Good luck!! Oh and start with the bachelor

[lunarplutonian]

PLUTO ASPECTS IN SYNASTRY

I noticed long time ago that Pluto was romanticized in tumblr astrology, much like Scorpio. I don’t really know whether that comes from the lack of life experience with Plutonic relationships or simply because of humans’ need to feel something deeply, strong and transformative, but whatever Pluto touches it is never easy to handle, even if the aspects are ‘positive’ or ‘lighter’. If you were born with lots of aspect of your personal planets to Pluto, you’ll know what I’m talking about. The need to merge with the Universe, to chew the soul and spit it out, that is Plutonian trait and the process, although deeply transformative and definitely full of potential for growth, hurts like open wound. Hades, Pluto, the Lord of Underworld, does belong to the myth of Hell. But the Hell you’ll experience, is within your own being. No, you can get prepared. Yes, it will scar you for life.

But that is, ultimately, the reminder of growth.

I’ll write here only about Pluto’s aspects to personal planets, because Pluto, Neptune and Uranus are generational planets and their mutual contacts have more impact on the collective and mundane level rather than personal.

So, if your or your partner’s Pluto creates an aspect to the other person’s personal planet(s), you’ll most likely feel that energy deeply and it can even become obsessive in some cases. But who is ‘the obsessed’ one? The answer is - both people. But make no mistake .Pluto person always calls the shots, although it can seem - especially if planets it touches are Mars and Venus - that the other person is the leader of the game. And the game it is,

PLUTO - SUN ASPECTS (conjunction, trine, sextile, square, opposition)

The attraction is immediate and the Pluto person is the one who seems ‘magnetic’ to the Sun person. Pluto loves the light of the Sun person but it admires it as a spectator. They are drawn to each other and Pluto will let the Sun person - especially if Sun is in dignified position - to express their personality and will play at their pace. But to a degree. What Pluto wants is power and when they decide that the Sun person has had enough space to play, they’ll grab them and suck them into their world. This connection can be highly productive if we talk about trine or sextile, because it helps both people explore their strong points. With square, it can turn into a battle of egos - Sun will try to get it their own way - and fail eventually, because Pluto doesn’t do ego. It deals with the essence of one’s being. This type of synastry doesn’t necessarily have to be between the lovers, but all sorts of life partnerships. They can even seem to ‘hate’ each other but in reality, they can create miracles when their power is united. In case of conjunction it can go both ways, depending how ‘healthy’ the Sun is. The Dark and Light, the Sky and the Underworld, they merge together and both sides have lots of going on - this is one of the most powerful synastry connections in my experience.

PLUTO - MOON ASPECTS

Gentle nature of the Moon ‘stands no chance’ if the native’s Moon squares their partner’s Pluto. It’s not restriction, it’s pure fear. Can it survive? Of course it can, but the battle here is more on a subconscious level. The Moon person feels the energy of Pluto almost at a physical level, it disturbs its peace, it creates floods and droughts in their soul. They are thirsty for Pluto’s love, but with every drop they get more and more overwhelmed. It takes the whole chart to see how two people work together of course, but with harsh aspects of Moon to Pluto, the struggle is inevitable. Trines and sextiles create powerful emotional bond and somehow ‘karmic’ feeling even if that’s not the case. The intensity is what they both desire, it is what they will get even if their relationship does not translate onto the physical level. They will breathe together if Pluto person decides it’s what they want from the Moon person, they will not be separated easily. But the bond is real and the two can form some sort of ‘sanctuary’ with each other.

PLUTO - VENUS ASPECTS

Oh, the thunder in your bones. The sound of storm in your mind. Pluto person HAS to touch the Venus person, they have to OWN them. Sexual attraction is so strong that it can be felt and it’s palpable. It’s a game they both willingly play, Venus pushing Pluto away (in case of square of opposition), Pluto coming back every single time, even if the whole life and years of separation are between them. If they get into a physical relationship, it’s the one they’ll remember their whole life. There’s nothing casual about it. It’s all or nothing, it’s the blood-boiling, mind-fogging, ‘I’ll die for you’ type of connection. It’s not for everybody and some dark, even violent stuff can happen (I’m NOT saying they will, it’s just that sometimes they do) Venus person is a slave to Pluto’s desire, but they both want that contact deeply.It can be the most rewarding or most soul-destroying experience of their lives. But you can’t ignore it. I’ve noticed that many of these relationships are connected with some sort of taboo - but attraction is so strong that nothing can hold the two people back, not all the red flags in the world. If you’re one of the lucky - or miserable ones -who had the chance to feel this type of synastry, you’ll get immediately what I’m talking about. You want each other on such deep level that it can’t be transformed into words.

PLUTO -MARS ASPECTS

Battle of the titans. In case of trines or sextiles, both people feel empowered and strongly driven to one another. Their goals become one, their desires and passion are in sync. If we’re talking about squares or opposition, it can go from zero to 100 very quickly. Again, if sex is involved -and with Pluto it often is - it can be mind-blowing. But many people who are not in sexual relationship have this aspects between their Pluto and Mars and there is always some sort of battle going on. Mars wants things NOW, Pluto wants them REAL. Thread carefully here. Power is one thing, strength can come from all parts of human nature.

What if you have more than one, or mutual Pluto - inner planet aspects? What can I tell you, you’ve probably realized it yourself by now - you won’t let go of that person easily. The only advice I can give is - don’t resist. Try to observe and act accordingly. And no, you are not doomed. This, like everything else in your chart, is a blessing if you’re willing to keep your eyes open and mind clear (as much as possible)

[namea]

Goth Rainbowcy Challenge!

I’m sorry guys, I couldn’t resist. So this is my Goth Rainbowcy challenge. I came up with it for shits and giggles but I think it’ll be fun! It’s a 7 gen challenge that plays with different game features and goth subcultures at the same time. You don’t have to be goth to do it (I’m not) and you can play with vanilla, berry, or any sims in between. Hit the read-more to see it! Tag “GothRainbowcy” with your pictures. I’d love to see them!! <333 

Goth Rainbowcy rules:

No money cheats

No trait, skill, or gameplay cheats

Occasional motives cheating allowed

Appearance cheats free game

Choose the heir however you want.

Aging should be on.

 You can play this berry, banilla, or however you want!! I have a mix in my game so who knows where mine will go! While matching hair/eyes/clothes are encouraged like in most rainbowcy challenges they aren’t mandatory at all!

Gen 1 – Fledgling Goth

If no one wants to try and understand you, you’ll strike out on your own! Build a life for yourself and start a successful dark legacy of awesomeness.

 Start as a monochrome black white and grey themed goth teen. Choose any aspiration or traits and any style of gothiness that you want. Start on an empty lot. Choose any 3 of the following items to place on the lot:

Tent

3 small planters

Cheapest BBQ grill

Potty Bush

Easel

Ice chest

woodworking table

Instrument

Cheapest sink

camera

Achieve:

Don’t purchase anything else until you’ve made 500 simoleons. 

Have 1 pet. Have the following on the lot:

Cat: Cheapest litter box, Cheapest bowl

Dog: Cheapest bowl, One cheap toy

Don’t get another pet when this one dies

Get a job you slacker! Any job will do. When you’ve made 500 simoleons (in any way) go ahead and choose one extra item from the list to give yourself as a reward. Make sure you have at least 100 simoleons left!

Maintain a B or higher grade in school. 

Have at least 1 best friend who isn’t goth.

Have at least 1 other friend who is goth.

Have at least 1 enemy

Have at least 1 friend who is a senior citizen

Attempt (but fail) to get to know Death until you’re a senior yourself, then become friends with Death.

Upon aging into adult get a job in any industry you like and advance to the furthest level.

Upon aging into adult complete your aspiration.

Upon aging into an adult marry and have at least one child with another goth.

Build a house on your lot bit by bit for you and your family to live in. It can be themed gothy or not, up to you. 

Gen 2: Red – Gothabilly

Your parents taught you a love of goth culture and fashion…but they never expected that you’d hear the swinging sounds of the 50’s in your heart. It’s time to make your way into the world and show it what you can do!

This sim should have the Serial Romantic aspiration and the following traits: Music Lover, Self Assured, and ONE other trait of your choosing. Upon reaching adulthood they should enter the entertainer career and eventually choose the musician branch.

This generation starts when your sim is a teen. This sim should have a red and black aesthetic with a 50’s twist similar to rockabilly but more goth. Red hair and eyes recommended. To finish out this generation you should do as much of the following as possible before the next generation starts:

Own at least 2 guitars and one microphone.

Have checkered floors in your kitchen.

Win a Karaoke contest at least twice

Have 3 non-goth best friends who introduce them to music as a kid or teen.

Have 1 goth best friend

Win a dance off against someone.

Reach level 10 of the guitar skill and singing skill.

 Reach the highest level of the musician career.

Marry a non Gothabilly goth.

Have one child with them.

Eventually break up and marry a non goth.

Have one child with them

Break up and marry another goth. If you don’t have a boy and a girl yet have kids with them until you have at least one boy and one girl. Stay with them or break up as you want.

Have a dog and a cat.

Max relationship with your children and pets. Be friends again with both exes before death.

Finish the aspiration.

 Gen 3: Orange – Steampunk

Music never interested you the way it did your parents. You weren’t social or loud, you didn’t care much for the 50’s aesthetic…in fact you worried you weren’t even…goth…until you saw a steam engine in a movie. You were enamored quickly and suddenly it made sense, the cogs and steam of the world. Brass goggles, corsets, clockwork and elegance. This is your scene. Your parents may not understand but they love you anyway.

This generation starts when your founder has died. The sim should have an orange, brown, black, and brass aesthetic or however you wanna do steampunk. Orange hair and eyes recommended. Skin too if ya wanna berrify it.

This sim should have the Nerd Brain aspiration and the following traits: Genius, Loner, and one other trait of your choosing. Upon reaching adulthood you should join the Scientist career.

To finish out this generation you should do as much of the following as possible before the next generation starts:

Reach the top level of the scientist career

Have 2 cats

Reach level 10 of the handiness skill

Reach level 10 of the fishing skill

Own a woodworking table and create at least one of every option.

Catch at least 12 different kinds of fish

Have only one child with a one night stand

Never marry, you’re too busy!

Have a strained relationship with your child

Max relationship with your cats

Have only 1 best friend who is goth but be on good terms with as many of your coworkers as possible.

Earn the marketable trait

Own at least 4 high tier electronics

Fully upgrade at least 5 things in the family home.

Complete the aspiration

Retire after reaching the highest scientist level and concentrate on inventing at home.

Finally fall in love as a senior but don’t marry before death.

Generation 4 – Yellow: Pastel Goth

You never got along with your parent and felt cheated by not having a two parent home. Their aesthetic wasn’t as dark as your grandparents but you still try to distance yourself from it as much as possible. The cute but creepy aesthetic of pastel goth appeals to you in a lot of ways and that’s where you’re going with your life.

This generation starts when the sim is a teen. This sim should have the Super Parent aspiration and the following traits: Childish, Family oriented, And one other trait of your choice! This sim should join the social media career as a trend setter.

To finish out this generation you should do as much of the following as possible before the next gen starts:

Completely re-decorate the family home (except your parent’s room) replacing all black with white and the colours to pastels with some black accents.

Reach the top level of the trend setter career.

Own at least 2 rats in your lifetime.

Max the Parenting, gardening, and floral arranging skills.

Grow a cowplant

Earn a money tree.

Earn the green thumb trait.

Leave the house at night as little as possible.

Have 2 goth best friends

Have 1 pastel goth friend

Have at least 1 non goth friend

Marry your goth high school sweetheart

Have at least 2 kids

Finally get a friendly relationship with your parent after your first child is born.

Max your relationship with your kids but not your spouse.

Make at least 5000 simoleons with things you grow.

Generation 5 – Green: Cybergoth

You were always close with your parents but man that pastel aesthetic bothered you. Looking into old family albums you found pictures of your great grandparents and started learning about the darker sides of goth. Nothing could keep up with the electronic beats in your ears until you found cybergoth. With shiny blacks and neon colours you were home. Gas masks and hoses forever! Just don’t trip over them.

 Generation 2 should be dead before this generation starts. This generation starts when your sim reaches teenhood. This sim should have the Computer whiz aspiration and the following traits: Hot headed, Dance Machine, One other trait of your choice. Green hair and eyes are recommended.

 To finish out this generation you should do as much of the following as possible before the next generation starts:

 Join the programmer career but quit when you get to the career split and join the secret agent career in the oracle branch.

Max the DJ skill

Max the Dancing skill

Get rid of the pastel in at least half of the house

Reach at least level 5 in the programming and Video game skills

Win at least 3 dance offs

Have 1 goth best friend

Meet at least 2 aliens and become friends

Max your relationship with your spouse and kids

Have no pets

Earn the Mentor trait

Die before reaching senior age

Generation 6 – Blue: Victorian Goth

The death of your parent struck you hard…but not just with sadness. You discovered a beauty in the calm darkness of the graveyard. Poetry and art call to you and invite you to feel and experience that sadness until it leaves you feeling refreshed.

Generation 3 and 4 should be dead before this generation starts along with the parent from gen 5. This generation starts as soon as gen 5 parent dies. This sim should have the Renaissance Sim aspiration and the following traits: Gloomy, Art Lover, and one trait of your choice. Blue hair and eyes recommended.

To finish out this generation you should do as much of the following as possible before the next generation starts:

Finish redecorating the house back to its dark roots with a classical flair

Join the artist career and advance to the highest level in the branch of your choice.

Max the art skill

Max the violin skill

Max the logic skill

Max the gardening skill

Grow Roses, Dahlias, Orchids, and wolfsbane..

Graft to create a deathflower, then plant it and grow them.

Grow Roses, Dahlias, Orchids, and wolfsbane as well.

Paint at least 2 masterpieces in every art category.

Don’t go out during the day if possible.

Work from home as much as possible.

Have no close friends

Have a black cat. Keep owning one cat at a time of their family line.

Meet a marry a vampire.

Have one child with them.

Allow them to turn you the day before you become a senior.

Grow a plasma fruit tree

Max your relationship with your child but not your spouse.

Your spouse dies of “mysterious circumstances”.

Final generation – Purple: Modern Vamp Goth 

People talk about your family a lot. They’ve always been dark, your parents never came out in the day, and one parent disappeared under mysterious circumstances. They whisper that your other parent did it but you don’t care. You know it’s not true. You love the darkness but you’re a cheerful soul at heart. You grew up knowing something was different about your parents but it’s not until you reach teendom that you learn about your vampiric heritage and what that means. It’s time to embrace eternity.

This is the final gen! Thanks for playing!! This sim should have any of the vampire aspirations and the following traits: Cheerful Good/Evil (your choice) and one other trait of your choice. They should join the writer career and max out the author branch writing the story of their family. Purple hair and eyes recommended. Try to do the following:

Write at least 1 book of each genre

Finish all of the vampire lore books and max the vampire lore skill

Become a master vampire

Turn at least 3 sims and move them in with you

Own a coffin

Have 1 non goth best friend, turn them as well.

Max at least 7 skills

Earn at least 500,000 simoleons

Max the pipe organ skill

Destroy and rebuild the house completely or move to another world.

Thanks for playing!!

[lookingforann]

L i f e  U p d a t e ~

Happy 2k19, everybody! I mean it’s already the second page of book 2k19, and I just had typical days. I chose to have a kinda free and relaxing time before I go back to work tomorrow. Yep, and that is the saddest thing at the moment. Paper works and stressful days are waiting for me. Huhuhu. Just thinking about the things I have to do especially for the next days and months to come, I just want to cry. Well, I have to face the consequence since I did not do anything this Christmas break. I love my life. 

Anyway, here are the things I did.

January 1, 2019 (now we have to adjust again in writing the year lol)

After spending the New Year’s Eve, nothing much happened in the morning except eating a lot. A lot. Mostly, sweets like graham, salad, and mango cake. I was really having a hard time what to eat first. I hope I only have that kind of problem in decision making. 

Decided to go out, or probably should I say to buy some necessities. I headed back home immediately.

Watched Infinity War again with my older siblings and ugh, I just got excited and stressed at the same time.

January 2, 2019

I woke up early! Hoooray! I realized that it’s not bad to wake up early and have some tea while listening to some OPM Hits. 

Was actually planning to go somewhere but decided not to because somehow, a realization hit me: “what for?”

Spent my whole day watching movies: Cinderella, Spirited Away, The Tale of Princess Kaguya. I watched the first two already. But I had some new realizations after watching them. I hope you don’t mind if what you will read next are my thoughts about them.

 “Where there is kindness, there is goodness. Where there is goodness,  there is magic.” - Cinderella, 2015

(I can still remember who I was with when I watched this in cinema)

Realizations:

It’s not bad to believe in magic sometimes (but I prefer believing in miracle hihi)

To be seen as we truly are is one of the biggest risks we will ever take, and sometimes, that is everything.

Be kind to people. One day, every kindness you gave will go back to you. And sometimes, it’s more than what you’d expect.

Don't be afraid of a little hard work.

To forgive is the most courageous act you could ever make.

When you choose to love, you always win.

“Nothing that happens is ever forgotten, even if you can’t remember it.” - Spirited Away

I already watched this so many times few years ago, but who cares? It never gets old! Spirited Away is one of my favorite Studio Ghibli movies! My love for the Haku is still the same.

Realizations:

Once you are fed of wrong things like selfishness and greed, you can turn in to this monster that somehow you never thought you could ever be.

Having a pure or genuine heart is what matters the most.

Show your gratitude and say thank you to the people who have helped you in anyway. 

Some people are actually the toxins of this world.

Sometimes when you are blinded of hardships and sufferings, you might lose yourself.

“But when she sang that song, tears would come to her eyes.” - The Tale of Princess Kaguya

This is the first time I’ve watched this, swear, I was mixed up. I got mixed feelings. Studio Ghibli never fails to amuse me.

Realizations:

Living means being with people you love the most.

This world will offer you a lot, but not all of them are true.

Sometimes we misinterpret what the Heaven wants us to do because of our own desires and ambitions -- and sometimes, it’s the reason why others or even ourselves get hurt.

There are things that are not meant to happen no matter how you badly want it.

There is someone who will always occupy a special space in your heart.

You will never understand how happiness looks like when you don’t undergo from sadness and sufferings. The more you feel it, the more you’ll eventually understand.

Until you have time, feel the joy of living.

There, I am so happy about these things and perspectives I’ve learned. I pray that I will always put these on my mind. ‘Til next post! Take a good care of yourself.