#you're already probably scared and isolated and worried and you want to do anything to feel like you aren't on metaphorical fire

[uncanny-tranny]

Something you start noticing is that people who hold delusional or "incoherent" beliefs have reasons for believing them that you might understand. There's this idea that delusional people or people who otherwise hold "out-there" views just... come up with them on a whim, but that isn't always the case. I find that when people start assuming that delusional beliefs come from nowhere, they think that they're really easy to just "snap out of," and it doesn't work like that.

You might not understand why somebody believes in something, but knowing that it is for a reason can remind you that they aren't being antagonistic. There is already a lot going on. The least you can do is understand where the person is coming from and offer compassion, not judgment.

[coff-in]

HAII GUESS WHO'S BACK AGAIN!! Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ

can i request ashley with a fem reader (either the same one, or a different one entirely) but with ashley's like... unhingedness and yandere(?) attitude cranked up to the max? like, reader can already hardly talk to anyone else as is but i feel like with that cranked up more than usual, she probably really tries to isolate reader from friends, potential love interests, and even family members to a certain extent. (　＾∀＾)

i'd imagine jobs are super finicky too, reader can probably never hold down a job too well because of whatever ashley throws a fit, likely over reader leaving (reader tries to have the discussion that she needs job because job = money!! it probably works at first and then falls onto deaf ears later on (　・ω・))

if reader tries to leave the situation? ashley probably blackmails her into staying with whatever she has for leverage or do the classic old "i'm the only person willing to be by you!!" type shtick that manipulative people tend to do ( ｡ﾟДﾟ｡) if reader does leave successfully you bet there's going to be hell until ashley inevitably finds reader. i am running out of fuel though;; so insert potential dubcon/noncon situation here

i should've specified this earlier and you don't need to rewrite my one req bcs you didn't know but i just ask for no incest in my asks due to some personal reasons ( ＞Д＜；) please don't feel bad, though, since you didn't know!! i'm pretty much open to anything but incest and all the grossout fetishes, though! ^^ again, i am so sorry for the inconvenience on that part!! ( ´д｀､)

also ^^ just assume all my reqs will be fem or gen neutral reader ﾟ+.ﾟ(´▽`人)ﾟ+.ﾟ

- 🕊

notes from coff-in: i'm sorry, i didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable about the incest (i think it might've been the petplay one? but lmk if i'm wrong if you want to). BUT thank you for telling me this! i'll try to keep it in mind in the future when responding to your asks :) and thank you for requesting! :D there's no smut in here, just some dialogue and me trying to get a hang of their dynamics is all. you can interpret this as the previous [reader] to your other asks if you want :3 lmk what you think

[fem] reader-insert

The phone rings once, twice, thrice. Then once, twice, and thrice again. You're hoping that he'll pick up. You don't know how long Ashley'll stay asleep. Your worry and frustration grows as you notice how cold you're getting, standing outside. The sky is blue but not sunny. It is very early in the morning. You made sure to come out at this time on purpose.

Once, twice, thrice-- and then it picks up.

"Hello?" The voice on the other side is low and groggy. You obviously had just woken him up. Good, you think, he should be awake. I should be inconveniencing him.

"Andrew. It's [reader]." You don't try to make small talk, you want to get straight to the point with this, "Have you talked to Ashley recently?"

He groans, "Yeah... I talked to her yesterday. Why?" The cold air only adds to the apparent bitterness in your voice.

"Can you please tell her that I have to leave the house to work so I can make money?"

There's a tense pause... "What?"

You sigh, "Ashley won't let me leave to go to work. I am politely asking you to talk to her about letting me go to work." You look back at your apartment, where Ashley decided to sleep over for the night. You hope she's still asleep. "She usually listens to you." She used to listen to you, too.

It's Andrew's turn to sigh. "I can't make her do anything, [reader]--"

"At least fucking try! Please..." You add on that last part in order to not sound like an asshole. "I'm sure the last thing you want is her or me asking you for money. I'm trying to support her too, Andrew, but she's not making it easy. I'm asking you to help me." There are cars loudly passing by and you try to focus on them to calm yourself down. You feel... scared. Scared that this won't work. Scared about what Ashley would do if she caught you talking about her like this. You used to not be scared of her. "And I doubt your parents would fucking help me..."

"Bloody hell..." Andrew groaned and shuffled around on his end of the call, "I'll... I'll, uh, see what I can do." It sounded forced from him. Take your fucking time, you scowl at your phone.

"Thank you." You then promptly hang up the call and stuff your phone in your pocket. You stand outside in the cold for a little bit longer. The birds chirp their songs on the bare branches of trees and clear sky contrasts just nicely against the dark landscape of your apartment's parking lot. You like the blue hour.

But like every hour, it comes and goes, and so do you. You turn tail and climb the steps back to your apartment. Walking down the hallway as quietly as possible, you take out your keys and put them into the lock. However, before you can open the door, it opens for you and you're face-to-face with Ashley Graves.

Shit.

"Where were you?" She's staring you down with a death glare, her face dark and pink eyes burning through your skin and soul. She's mad. She's mad and that's never a good thing. You try your best to steel yourself.

"I was downstairs."

"Why? How come you didn't wake me? What was so important that you had to get up and leave without me?!" She was raising her voice as she dragged you into the apartment, violently slamming the door behind you. You held back a frustrated sigh but couldn't stop a frown from appearing on your face.

"I had to call Andrew for help." The mention of his name made her pause for a bit. You took that window of opportunity to explain yourself, "I asked him to help me with my job. I'm-- we're a little tight on money, Ash. You preventing me from working isn't helping either."

"As if you'd be better working with a bunch of fucking floozies!" She yells with her hands balled into fists, "I'm doing you a fucking service by making you stay here! Those no good whore would probably flaunt all over you and make you do all the hard work by yourself!"

"Ashley..."

"Besides, you don't need to work anyways. Why not just ask you parents for money or something? Why not stay here with me?!"

"Ashley!" You yell at her, causing her to open her eyes and look at you. "I have to work! I have no one else to ask for help because of you! I don't talk to my parents, I have no friends to help, and I barely even talk to my coworkers. All! Because! Of you!" You stomp your foot on the floor childishly, but you can't help it. It's all too familiar. You're just going through the motions at this point. "I'm trying my best to be there for you, Leyley, but you make it so hard! I need you to back off! Give me some space to breathe, please!"

She looks at you bewildered, eyes wide and eyebrows bent downwards. She slowly looks down away from you. "You need some space, huh?"

Oh god dammit. "Ash..."

"I get it. No one wants me around them."

"Ashley."

"I'm just the fuck up of the family, aren't I? But guess, what! So. Are. You. We have no friends, no family, not lovers-- we're stuck with each other." She stares at you with intensity, "You chose me. YOU CHOSE TO BE WITH ME!!! No one else is going to take you in! Only I can love you for the fuck up that you are! No one else can love you the way I do! No you whore mother, not fucking Andrew, NO ONE ELSE BUT ME!" She comes closer and tugs on your shirt, your noses practically touching each other. "You have no one else but me. Got it?"

----

coff-in

[kowaindar0u]

(diary meme ehek) 13 Yuichi (either Nagasone, Kashuu or Saseki ehek), 7 Hachisuka! (@zantedeschia-praesul)

[ DEAR  DIARY          .    .    . ]

i'm a gemini you can't just give me 3 choices and expect me to pick hehe. so have them all !!!!!!! (really i just love doing these diaries so i'm taking all them i can get rrrrrraaaaaa)

13.     entry made featuring mention of (sender’s) muse. (Yuichi -> Nagasone)

Ohhh, dearest diary. You are going to feel so special, aren't you? Because you've known for so long about Nagasone and I, longer than perhaps anyone else-- except maybe Kashuu. Don't be getting jealous, though!

But... we've finally decided to let it be known by the rest of the honmaru, and... Well I think a lot of the men already had some kind of idea. Kogitsunemaru definitely knew, though he's gracious enough to wait until we were ready before he said anything (some very kind words, naturally). I think Murakumo got the hint simply for how much time he spends in my office some days. Hachisuka probably figured it out pretty quickly, though he hasn't said anything to me, and Nagasone hasn't mentioned anything from him. Urashima I think was somehow still unaware. Perhaps he's just too pure for this world.

"I don't know why I was so nervous about it." I know I say this all the time, but it never seems to stop being relevant. I was worried others would be unhappy about it, or that they might think I play favorites-- clearly this is different, right? Right.

Worst of all, the thought crossed my mind that... perhaps after it stopped being such a secret, Nagasone might lose interest, or look at me differently, or something. I don't have this worry anymore, but I can't stop thinking ABOUT the fact that I thought that might happen. I feel awful for even barely entertaining the thought. Nagasone had never given me any reason to believe that, and on the contrary, he only ever gives me hundreds more to KNOW for certain that it wouldn't happen. It's... amazing, really, how he can do so much to make me feel so good, and happy, and just... like everything's okay... But I still find a way to think there's a chance that I don't deserve it.

Nagasone would hate to hear that from me, I know it. And he doesn't deserve that, either.

Which is why I tell you, of course. But you probably could already guess that, huh.

Well... Whether I deserve it or not... I love him. So much. I'd be a goner without him.

So, diary, I hope you're happy for us too.

13.     entry made featuring mention of (sender’s) muse. (Yuichi -> Kashuu)

Dear Diary.

This still feels like some kind of fucked-up dream. But... up until now, through all of this... recovering, monitoring, assessing, training, learning, trying to come to terms with the fact that apparently magic and sword-men and time travel is all real... It's been like I'm just walking through it in a confused, numb daze. It didn't really matter. For all I knew, I could've been dead and this was my afterlife.

But... not anymore.

I summoned my first touken danshi. Kashuu Kiyomitsu, he's called. One of two trusty swords of Shinsengumi first unit captain, famed Okita Souji.

The summoning itself was... excruciating, but amazing. I don't know how I did it. But... I haven't FELT this much emotion, felt anything in this intensity but despair and loneliness in... I don't know when, or if I have.

Maybe I was scared. This whole Government thing is intimidating. Maybe I was just afraid that if I didn't give it my all, they'd... I dunno, kick me to whatever the afterlife equivalent of a curb is. Or send me to hell.

Maybe I just wanted it to be real so badly that I managed to tap into that... pathetic, desperate wish for a connection with someone, a friend, that I could have a chance not to isolate myself or squander it, and...

And he appeared. Kashuu Kiyomitsu.

I thought perhaps the fact I was crying might freak out a new person-- a literally NEW person, right? But it seems... there really is a connection between us. They told us this would be the case with the swords we summoned, but... I guess I couldn't believe it until I felt it myself.

I hugged Kashuu Kiyomitsu and... it just made everything real. Real, and scary, and overwhelming, but... if this is my second chance at life, I'm going to take it. As long as he's there with me... I think I'll be okay.

Kashuu Kiyomitsu... Thank you.

13.     entry made featuring mention of (sender’s) muse. (Yuichi -> Saseki)

Ah, diary...

I'm sitting at my desk... I should be working, but... I just can't help but stare at the magical painting Saseki gifted me, and think about him. I appreciate Nagisa a great deal, and of course owe my life to her and her men, but I don't know that I was in such a state of mind to have formed a bond with her. Not to mention there was a lot that she couldn't tell me, since the Government had yet to make a call on what to do with me.

But Saseki... what can I say? He's become one of my best friends, almost like a brother, perhaps. He's so insistent that he be able to protect me or help me if I'd ever need it, even after he's been through so much himself... I'm so grateful to him, and this honmaru is lucky to have such an ally, of course.

But letting my thoughts drift... one question my mind asked, I can't help but think about: "Where were you before, in my old life?"

I had ... friends, before. I guess. But I had such trouble trying to interact with them for some reason and opted to just... keep to myself. I didn't feel truly comfortable with anyone.

But... I don't know. I don't want to change where I am now. I would never give this up for even a moment, not over my dead body and then some. But I can't help but wonder, what IF I had known Saseki? Sometimes I think about this with my touken danshi as well, but it feels more of a fantasy that way, about maybe taking them around a modern city and whatnot. But with Saseki... he's a human. In theory, it's not impossible for us to have crossed paths, and ... I just think... maybe if we had...

No, no. This sounds like I'm blaming Saseki. It's not that. It's just... What I mean is... I'm just so grateful to have him. And I know now the impact one person can have on the trajectory of history in a given timeline. On the off chance I would have allowed myself to befriend him like this back then, or in a different timeline... maybe things wouldn't have been quite so unbearable. Maybe there's a version of me who had someone like him like I wished I had. And that's what's really got me right now.

[there's some smudges where seemingly a couple of drops were hastily brushed off the page]

Well. It's really neither here nor there, isn't it. What matters most is that we both got to where we are and are friends today, right? Right.

07.     entry made featuring an important moment in their life. (Hachisuka)

Dear Diary.

It was... a beautiful day. Well. It was... a fine enough day. Until the rain and winds picked up, and thunder crashed, rattling the doors and windows...

And HE appeared.

Nagasone 'Kotetsu'.

It may be unbecoming of me, but I'm seething. A counterfeit, a fake, an imitation, using something as prestigious as the Kotetsu name? Here, in my citadel? In my room? My master is testing me, truly.

He seems to not even be bothered by the fact that he bears a name that doesn't suit him, that he couldn't possibly live up to... right? He's just so... amicable, and seems quite happy to be here.

I told him: I may be obligated to share my room with you--for now. But know this. You are NOT a true Kotetsu, and you are NOT my brother. Do not expect me to treat you as such.

I don't know what I expected from him.

It's ridiculous, preposterous.

I...

It seems I lost my train of thought. No matter. I'm being called out for dispatch anyway. This isn't the last you'll hear on this regard, mark my word.

[dragonmasterhiccup]

A look of disgust came across Spitelouts face as Hiccup and Astrid went on either side of Danny.

“This girl is not your family. And by you calling her a Haddock to cover up her true identity, you are putting shame on your name— your father’s name. What do you think he would make of this, hm?”

Danny would be lying if she said she wasn’t grateful for Hiccup and Astrid coming to her aid; as angry or as confident as she might have felt, she was still a little scared, I mean, Spitelout literally just pulled his axe on her again for Thors sake! She felt that was grounds for some anxiousness.

She kept her smug look plastered on her face, a look saying that she knew he wasn’t winning this.

Spitelouts glare moved directly onto Astrid.

He couldn’t do anything. The tribe was already staring and if he injured either Hiccup or Astrid while he attempted to kill Danny, then… He could be banished.

He put his axe back into his sheath, his eyes never leaving the three Berkians in front of him.

“This isn’t over yet,” she hissed, moving past them and out of the Great Hall.

Danny let out a sigh of relief, moving away from both Hiccup and Astrid.

Some people had went back to the celebrations, but a good amount of them were still staring.

“I should… I should probably leave too— not for long! Just to let things cool down about it. I’ll be back in around… thirty minutes?”

She didn’t want to cause anymore unnecessary tension, especially at their wedding.

“I promise I’ll come back.”

Hiccup shook his head. "I'm not covering anything, everyone knows where she's from. Her taking the name of Haddock is showing that she has chosen to be a Berkian and put her past behind her."

Valka stood up. "I believe Stoick wouldn't have had any problem with it, once he'd gotten to know the girl. To take in an orphan who longs to be a part of our tribe is a very honorable thing to do, Spitelout."

The newlyweds stood firm, and Astrid raised her chin. "The matter is over, and has already been addressed. I'd suggest placing your energy elsewhere."

Hiccup also let out a sigh of relief. Seeing that the people were still staring, he put on a nervous smile. "Sorry for that little interruption...please, continue to enjoy the festivities, there is plenty of food and drinks to go around!"

The couple clasped hands again as they turned back to Danny.

His eyebrows furrowed together. "Are you sure? Spitelout just left, what if he tries something when you're isolated? He's in a foul mood right now, I wouldn't be surprised..."

Eventually, despite his worries, he nodded. "Just be careful, keep Twilight with you."

[your-average-weeb-dealer]

𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐉𝐉𝐊 𝐁𝐨𝐲𝐬

DISCLAIMER: I do not support or condone any of the actions I am writing about, this is specifically for entertainment purposes

What is a Yandere? In the western world, a Yandere is normally a character who becomes deeply infatuated or obsessed with their loved one/crush. This love eventually becomes so intense that it drives the character mad and they will do anything for or to be with their loved one including murder, stalking and even kidnapping.

heres a website explaining all the different yandere types

characters in this post: Itadori Yuuji, Megumi Fushiguro, Satoru Gojo, Inumaki Toge, Junpei Yoshino and Mahito

Warning(s): not proofread, murder, stalking, kidnapping, pet names, please do not read this if you are sensitive to these topics!!

{Itadori Yuuji}

Itadori is a Submissive Yandere

He has strength, power, speed and an intense love for his baby

Itadori would use baby, honey, love instead of the traditional darling because he doesn't want to believe that he is a yandere

He's a yandere who'd murder to be with you, he wouldn't murder right away though, it'd be much more gradual

But be willing to murder for you, he isn't as protective as most yanderes but if someone is pissing you off then...

i don't think he'd end up kidnapping you, mostly because he's scared you'd hate him. And he can't bare the thought of that

He is so desperate for your praise it's almost pathetic, he will do anything you want just say the words and he'll do it

If Itadori and his love ever start dating there will be no end- he's extremely manipulative and will guilt trip you into staying with him

If it had come to it he would kidnap you to keep you from leaving him

Overall danger level: 8.5/10

{Megumi Fushiguro}

Megumi doesn't really have a Yandere type, if I had to put a name on it it'd be a mix between isolating and Protective

I see him as being more silent and protective

He didn't really understand why he felt such a strong need to do whatever you wanted

Megumi didn't realize what it was until he killed someone, because they were hitting on you after you had told them "no" several times

He quickly checked himself, he made sure never to do something like that again

But Megumi should at least watch over his darling, to make sure they're safe, right?

He'd mostly stalk you, I don't think he'd ever resort to killing again

That being said, if it was necessary, he would kill again if it was to protect you

If him and his Darling were to ever date, he'd be extremely protective, he'd hardly let anyone talk to you

He wouldn't kidnap you, he doesn't want to strip you completely of your freedom

that being said, Megumi does keep you very isolated

He'd use Darling, Love, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, My dearest love and Dear

Overall danger level: 6.5/10

{Satoru Gojo}

Gojo is a Manipulative and a Protective yandere

He tries putting you in situations that force you to rely on him

Gojo is the greatest Jujutsu Sorcerer, you should rely on him no matter what

He was absolutely not oblivious to his yandere tendencies, he pretty much knew how he was going to get sick with love over you

He is extremely protective, he often won't let you leave his side- he cannot risk his dearest to getting hurt

He doesn't kill that often, simply because he doesn't want to ruin his name. But now and again a few men who flirted with you will go missing

Gojo likes to follow you around, just to make sure you're safe, he's the greatest Jujutsu sorcerer, he can't let anything happen to you

He uses Dearest, Baby/babe, Sweetie, Cupcake, Cutie, My sweet, Darling and Love

Gojo would kidnap you, he probably wouldn't think of it like that though, and it wouldn't be like most kidnappings

He'd slowly lure you to his home, slowly isolating you, slowly convincing you not to go outside- until eventually you were trapped

Overall Danger level: 8/10

{Toge Inumaki}

Inamaki is an eliminating and delusional Yandere

He will eliminate anyone who dares come near his precious love

Because of how powerful he is and how easily it is for him to kill, he is extremely dangerous

Inumaki is quite shy around you though, his heart beats so fast he feels like he could die at any minute- but that feeling is so wonderful to him

He doesn't want anyone else to feel that, nor does he want you to feel that way about anyone- anyone but him

If you ever just pick up a pencil for Inumaki he will think that you love him back

This will make his killings ten times more frequent, as he believes that you love him too and that the people flirting with you are trying to ruin your relationship

He would hurt his darling if he needed to show them a lesson, or they were trying to escape

very willing to kidnap you, if it means getting all of those other filthy men to stop flirting with you

Inumaki would write you extremely creepy notes throughout the day like "I took care of those little boys who were flirting with you, now you don't have to worry about them!! My love"

He'd use Darling, My darling Y/n, My Sweet, my sweetest, sugar and my precious Y/n

Overall danger level: 10/10

{Junpei Yoshino}

Junpei is a delusional yandere

he desperately wants your love, he wouldn't kill anyone though

No, he's calmer in that sense, but his love for you is so overpowering

He's delusional in the sense that he pretends that he's already in a relationship with you

At first Junpei just did this as a little way to comfort himself as he knew you would never love him- so he just pretended

But eventually, he got more and more trapped in his own fantasies and daydreams that he completely forgot that you weren't dating

He pursues you in a way that seems like he did it before (he imaged how he'd do it over a hundred times)

If Junpei's Darling ever rejected him or turned him down, that's when I think he'd go a little crazy- he may even become a eliminating Yandere

If he ever kidnapped you (which is pretty likely if you reject him) he'll move more to the Training Yandere type

He'd use Darling, Sugar, Baby, Bunny, Puppy, Sweetheart, My love and My Y/n

Danger level (no rejection) 2/10

Danger level (with rejection) 9.5/10

{Mahito}

Are you kidding? This man is every Yandere

I headcanon that he is a yandere in the normal anime as well.

He's just a stone cold murder, he doesn't mind killing for you or someone who is advancing on you

just a very dangerous person regardless

Overall Danger level: 9/10

[animeyanderelover]

Hello there! Hope you're doing well on your holiday! This is my first time requesting oof. Could I request how Sebastian, Ash, Prince Soma and Hannah react to their darling outright asking them why they are genuinely interested in them. Darling is confused and believes they're not that interesting to even bring the attention of people like them. They're pretty closed off from others and was at first weary of the intentions they had and just finally just asked to get a firm answer. Thank you! Love your writing!

I enjoyed my holidays whilst they lasted, sadly they’re over now and I have to wait about 3 months until summer break😣.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, paranoia, delusions, kidnapping, manipulation, sabotage, isolation, emotional guilt-tripping, self-harm

Why do you like me?

Sebastian Michaelis

🐈‍⬛He pretty much openly courts you by now, after his time observing you for a bit, finding out what his darling likes and what’s not, how he can get closer to his darling without any problems. Sebastian has every intention to pamper you if you don’t throw a tantrum in which case he has to be more strict on you. And the fact that you are closed off from others is such a delightful thing to witness. It makes the whole situation a lot more easier, he doesn’t have to worry too much about you being interested in someone else or dedicating your time to someone else. I personally believe every demon in Black Butler is isolating due to their posssessiveness.

🐈‍⬛He was prepared for this question of yours, he sensed your suspicions since quite some time and why wouldn’t you? Sebastian is a mysterious man for everyone. On the one hand he is charming and handsome and can do anything, on the other hand there is this mischievous and evil vibe around him that tells you to stay away. It is also a bit unnerving how he seems to know everything about you, from your favorite flowers down to your favorite color.

🐈‍⬛Sebastian is known for keeping his calm and his charm and since he expected you to ask him this sooner or later, he already had much time to prepare an answer, even though he would have been great in answering you that question even if he wouldn’t have known about this. He would give you a charming smile and be very smug about this question of yours, somewhat teasing you by asking if it shouldn’t be obvious by now. He’s trying to court you, kitten. He would find enjoyment if you would look baffled whilst also being fluttered by this answer of his, which might just earn you more playful teasing mixed with fluttering comments why he likes you.

Hannah Annafellows

🟣Similar to Sebastian, she would start expressing her interest openly to you after a while, even though she would even before that try to be a close friends with you. From all the demons in this Anime, I would say Hannah is one of the worse types to have, it’s either her or the triplets Timber, Thompson and Canterbury. She uses isolation and letting people disappear from your life as a way to draw you closer to her and trust her more. So whilst she will be definitely pleasant upon discovering that her darling is a loner, she will also have to think of another ways to make them trust her more since making important people for them disappear isn’t too possible except family which Hannah doesn’t want to kill as long as they don’t do something to annoy her. She has after all only a true place for her darling in her heart.

🟣She just senses how much you are weary of her, especially in the beginning. You have surely your reasons, after all she is from the Trancy manor and there are certain rumors about this place. Next to that she is a demon and whilst being talented in anything can amaze people, it can also scare them. And here as well the fact that she knows so much, too much about you is unnerving as well. Trying to distance yourself wouldn’t really work though, it’s as good as impossible to escape a demon and given your mistrust, Hannah will also start intensifying her strategies to make you cling onto her more.

🟣Different from Sebastian she relies a lot on guilt-tripping to persuade her darling into many things. So there is a chance she will pretend to be a bit hurt by this question, asking how you couldn’t notice. She uses this question as a chance for being so distrusting of her. She will act all saddened and upset, maybe even she’s the one or another tear. This will make you feel most likely bad for her. Secondary to that she will also tell you in a mellow and sincere voice what she likes about you, using it as a way that will hopefully make you fall for her.

Prince Soma

🍛Try to explain to him that you don’t feel the way he does and you’ll quickly discover that his lovesick brain will twist everything you say into what he wants to hear. Soma is together with Finny heavily delusional to the point where about nothing can convince him that you don’t feel the same. For that it is not even courting what he does, it is already acting like you and him are already a couple and will marry later on (which will happen in his mind anyways). Whilst Soma is someone who gets easily jealous, he also doesn’t want you to be alone. He means, you aren’t. You have him. But at the very least Ciel and Agni will become people you will often interact with.

🍛Privacy is gone the moment he fell for you and his interest is painfully visible for everyone. He starts spoiling you, giving you a lot of affection and is everywhere you are all over you. It’s highly uncomfortable given the fact that you don’t even like him and it’s only thanks to Agni that he doesn’t completely monopolies your time and makes you move in with him. But Agni is also loyal to his prince and for that will at least try to talk you into giving Soma a chance. That boy is too oblivious to realize that you are hesitant around him, he’ll just brush it off as shyness.

🍛He is confused, to say the very least. He thought you were just as much in love with him as he is with you. Why would you even ask him this? And try to guess what he will interpret it as, with that sense mind of his. Your prince will start thinking that he didn’t show you enough affection, that he didn’t make his love clear enough yet. It causes him to give you a more childish reaction, suddenly suffocating you in a really tight hug and whining. He’s upset with himself, thinking it’s his fault for making you think that way. Oh well, then he’ll have to show you even more.

Ash Landers

▫️I’m so sorry to say this, but Ash needs not a lot of time to kidnap you, the longest would be a week in which he would act at first more as a secret guardian for you. I mentioned it a lot of times before, but Ash is a lot more hesitant with giving you affection, even though he would honestly die to be able to. You’re perfection in his eyes and he does not think that he deserves you or to be honored enough to touch you. You’re gonna be isolated anyways the moment he takes you, but he would definitely kidnap you even faster when noticing how you seem to avoid people. You’re literally begging him to take you away from the filth. And who is he to neglect you that wish? He will take you and afterwards treat you like a royalty.

▫️Keep with this man always one thing in mind, he wavers very easily, too easily when it comes to you. It’s understandable that you would throw tantrums, but for the love of god, please calm down. He would never show you, but behind the scenes, Ash punishes himself heavily whenever you seem upset with him. He has an obsessive fixation on keeping you happy and safe and by acting that way, showing him how unhappy you are plus the incredibly distant acting due to not trusting him (who wouldn’t when being kidnapped?), you’ll throw him into a whirlwind of dreadful fear and shame and a good piece of paranoia.

▫️He will react emotionally and affected. Ash’s goal is it to show you how special and pure you are, to make it clear to you that you deserve more than the best. He feels like he did pretty much everything wrong if you ask him still what he sees in you, though I’m sure he held already very long speeches about why he had to take you. But it’s still understandable why you would ask. You probably thought that there were far more pure people than you in this town. It’s not the worst reaction you got to see from him though, there were far more unnerving ones. He will very likely burst out in tears since someone like you shouldn’t ask this. Will beg for forgiveness to not be more clear about it and afterwards he will start rambling in a maniac way about why you’re perfect.

[blindingdutchy]

lamentation | FOUR

{peter parker x fem!reader AU}

based on All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

SERIES MASTERLIST

word count: 3,907

warnings: angst, talk of death/tragedy, a little fluff

18+!!! minors stay away

At school the following week you were more than a little embarrassed. Peter Parker had seen you outside of school twice, and both times you'd been a crying, hysterical mess. Granted, you were a hysterical mess all the time anymore, but you usually kept that very well suppressed. Then along came Peter, and suddenly there was another person outside of your family who knew just how messed up you were.

He didn't mention it, which you were thankful for. You could see that he was concerned, though, with the way his eyes seemed to linger on you during every silence. His worry and pity only made you more resentful of the things you had shown him.

You'd shown up to school the morning after he showed up in your room, and you weren't at all surprised to see him lingering by your locker with an antsy jitter as he rocked back and forth on his feet. What had surprised you, though, was the fact that once he saw you were present he simply nodded at you and walked away. Was that his idea of a truce? An understanding?

Whatever it was, you had been thankful for it. The last thing you had wanted that morning was to talk to Peter, knowing he'd certainly want to talk about the events of the night, and you were relieved to get a little break from his constant presence. He still sat by you in classes, but he didn't pester with you his usual chatter, nor did he follow you to your locker even once.

The trend had continued for most of the week, and you had to admit you were starting to feel a little more isolated without his overbearing company. It was strange--you almost, emphasis on almost, missed him. You'd grown used to ignoring his borderline stalker-like tendencies, and now without him around to ignore, you felt lonely. Lonelier than you already had been, anyways.

At home, things were just as cold and distant. Your mother was in a slump again following your outburst at dinner, and you were beating yourself up over it endlessly. She'd been doing good, finally, and you'd just had to have gone and ruined all of her progress.

She'd been holed up in her bedroom ever since that evening. Not even your father was able to get her to let him in, and in turn he was banished to the sofa night after night. As such, you were feeling the ice from your mother and your father alike. You couldn't blame him, really, because the sofa was definitely not the most comfortable for sleeping.

It felt a little like your life was falling apart all over again since your birthday. The childish, bitter part of you wanted to blame Peter, because it would have been so easy to blame the only thing that had changed in your life, but you knew better. It was you. You were the cause for everything that was going wrong, and you didn't know how to stop it.

Why couldn't you just be better? The whole world was moving on, making progress, and yet you were stagnant. You didn't understand why you couldn't let go of all the heavy things holding you down, holding you back, but you just couldn't. Grieving her wasn't getting easier, and you didn't know how to try and make that change.

"Are you alright?"

Startled by the sudden return of Peter's voice, you jumped in your seat and blinked at him in surprise. It had been such a long week of near radio silence from him that you were shocked to be acknowledged by him, despite the fact that you'd been sitting beside him for the entirety of your Speech class. You'd almost started to wonder if maybe he was ignoring you, though you didn't exactly try to talk to him either.

Quietly, you mumbled, "Not really, but that's normal these days."

It was only then that you realized class was over, students packing up and filing out of the classroom eagerly in anticipation of the weekend. You'd been far more spaced out than you had thought--it felt like just moments ago you were sitting down and waiting for class to begin. You awkwardly began to pack up your untouched classwork and Peter did the same, neither of you quite sure what to say to the other.

Ever since she died, you had an uncanny ability to make any and every situation uncomfortable without really trying. It started with your inability to contain your emotions in response to the thousands of condolences you received over those first few days, and then the more you secluded yourself it only got worse. People looked at you strangely and whispered when they thought you couldn't hear them. They thought you were a ticking time bomb, and in a sense they were correct.

Maybe that was the reason you weren't quite as adamant about pushing Peter away as you were others. He didn't look at you that way, nor did he whisper hushed words about you that would surely make your ears burn when you overheard. Both times that he had seen you in a horrible state, he'd only looked at you with concern and worry. Not once had you seen him give you those all too familiar apprehensive stares, and you were grateful for it.

Realizing you were moving at a strangely slow pace, and Peter was anxiously waiting for you to finish, you cleared your throat and muttered, "Do you want to start the project tomorrow? Or tonight, if you're not busy."

"Um," Peter stammered, not bothering to hide his surprise at your offer, "sure. Tonight is fine if--if that's okay with you."

The two of you stared at each other in silence for a moment, neither of you quite comfortable with the sudden change in atmosphere. Zipping your backpack, you stated, "Yeah, great."

"Great!" Peter echoed, and you both turned and hurried away from each other in discomfort.

When you told your father that Peter Parker was coming over that night you weren't entirely sure what to expect. The reaction you received, however was so far off your radar it scared you a little. He'd nearly wept with joy, kissing your cheek and saying he was proud of you for making friends again, to which you retorted Peter wasn't your friend.

He could tell it was a lie, despite the fact that under normal circumstances Peter definitely wouldn't have been considered a friend. For you, now and after everything you'd been through, he was the closest thing you had to a friend, though. So, you resisted the urge to fight your father on the premise and let him run off to boast to your mother about it.

Even if you felt like you weren't making progress, it couldn't hurt to let your parents think that you were. You were trying, anyways, so you didn't feel quite as guilty about letting them read too much into things. You just hoped that they didn't get their hopes up too high, because there was still time for you to mess things up like you always did.

You spent the afternoon cleaning your room and wallowing in your anxiety. The project was something you were dreading starting, mostly because you knew it would bring up all sorts of negative memories and emotions for you, but also because you feared what Peter would think of you. Would he judge you for your opinions? Would he think you were bitter and ridiculous?

For awhile you contemplated all the ways you could try and lie to appease him, thinking of ways to keep your composure well enough to debate on behalf of superheroes. In the end, though, you knew it was impossible. Arguing against the Avengers was going to be hard enough in itself, let alone trying to pretend you were in favor of them. Was it too late to ask for an alternate assignment?

Peter Parker: hey i'm on my way

Peter Parker: if that's okay. if you're busy that's fine too

It was definitely too late to ask for an alternate assignment, and as you typed out your response you decided it was time for you to finally start trying to do better. You'd wished for things to be easier, to be better, for so long, yet you'd never put in any of the work to make it happen. It was time for that to change. You were going to do the project, fight your stance to Peter, and try your best to not ruin his opinion of you completely in the process.

You: yeah that's fine

You: my mom says you can stay for dinner

You: if you want... if not that's cool you probably have other things to do

Okay, you were definitely biting off more than you could chew. Reading over your awkward texts to Peter made you cringe in a bad way, and you felt nauseous with embarrassment. It was so, so unbelievably hard trying to be approachable after you'd spent the past year pushing everyone away. The fear of him rejecting you was sending shockwaves through your entire body, tingling your skin all the way to the tips of your toes.

To your relief, Peter responded to let you know he was okay with staying for dinner, and informed you that he was on his way. You shot off a remark about using the door this time, and then promptly threw your phone away in shame. What if he thought you were being rude instead of joking? Or worse, what if he knew you were joking and thought it was stupid? Socializing was a real drain on your energy.

By the time Peter arrived with a timid knock on your bedroom door, followed by your mother's coo, "Oh, honey, just go on in. She's never doing anything," you had successfully stressed yourself into oblivion. You were so consumed by your thoughts you almost didn't notice her throwing open your door with a beaming grin, but the sound of Peter's uncomfortable laughter snapped you out of your daze.

"Uh, hi." you squeaked, suddenly extremely self conscious of your bedroom. He'd seen it before, obviously, but this time it was actually swathed in lamp light and the evening sun. "You can sit."

Peter stood in silence, studying your room with an indecipherable look on his face for a long moment. "It's nice in here." he finally stated, dropping his backpack and letting that easy grin slip across his lips for the first time in the past week. It was incredibly relieving to see it, and you even found yourself relaxing a little.

He sat on the edge of your bed and both of you turned to your mother curiously as she continued to stand in your doorway with a tearful smile. Jumping in shock, she gasped, "Oh, right, right. I'll just be downstairs if you need anything. It was lovely to meet you, Peter."

With one last lingering gaze, your mother backed out of the room and shut the door. That was how you knew this was a special occasion in her eyes--what sane mother would ever shut her teenage daughter in a bedroom with a teenage boy willingly? It had been a long while since you'd genuinely felt embarrassed, but you couldn't help but to groan and cover your face at the whole situation.

Peter, however, seemed thoroughly amused by everything. "Your mom is a lot like my Aunt May." he mused, twinkling brown eyes trailing over every inch of your room, "Your room is huge. I think I could fit my entire bedroom in here three times and still have extra space."

"I used to share it with my sister."

He paled at your statement and stuttered, "Oh, shit, I'm so--I'm so sorry. I didn't know--"

"Peter, it's fine." you interrupted his frantic apology, and for what felt like the first time ever, you meant it.

It was fine. You didn't feel angry or bitter about the reminder of her disappearance from your life, and it was strange to you. You liked it, though, and it felt nice to talk about her without being bogged down by thousands of horrible thoughts and feelings.

Relaxing only slightly at your reassurance, Peter looked at you wearily as if he expected you to start crying or lash out at him. To his, and your own, surprise you gave a small smile. That still felt wrong; it didn't come very naturally to you anymore, but Peter seemed mesmerized by it none the less.

The sight of your permanent frown disappearing from your face gave him the confidence to move on from the uncomfortable topic, it seemed, because he grinned back and moved to unzip his backpack. "Okay, so, first thing's first--have you read the outline for the project? It's ridiculously broad and I've been struggling to think of any ideas to make our speech unique." he rambled, rifling through the crumpled mess of papers he retrieved from his bag until he finally found what he was looking for.

You slid your smooth, unwrinkled copy across the bed and asked, "Shouldn't we start with which stance we're taking?"

Peter blinked at you, and you tensed in preparation for the argument that was about to ensue. "What do you mean? I thought it was just a given that we were arguing in favor of the Avengers?" he questioned, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion, "I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone is going to."

"I wanted to argue in opposition, actually." you muttered, pursing your lips. "That could be what makes ours stand out, you know?"

His lips opened and closed like a fish for a few moments as he clearly struggled to formulate words, but eventually he sputtered, "Is that the only reason why? I don't know if I can argue against myself, considering I kind of am an Avenger."

You chewed at the inside of your cheek, already wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole. Letting Peter into your space, into your life, was already hard enough--adding conflict into the mix only made your heart rate pick up and your hands start to sweat. "I don't agree with the Avengers, no, but I have reasons. So, maybe you feel weird arguing against yourself, but I feel just as weird arguing in favor of something I don't agree with." you finally explained, and Peter's eyes widened incredulously.

"Why don't you like the Avengers?"

You nearly scoffed at the way he posed the question, as if he were asking you why you weren't a fan of a specific sports team. "I don't agree with them, there's a difference." you stated bluntly.

Peter wiped his palms on his jeans tensely, just as you did the same, and repeated, "Why, though? What's not to agree with? They--they've saved the world over and over again, isn't that impossible to not agree with?"

"At what cost, though?" you retorted, "Have you paid any mind to all the things they've destroyed? How many lives they've ended, or destroyed, in the midst of their heroic deeds?"

He seemed to get riled up by the bitter way you spat out the word heroic and scoffed, "Okay, but that doesn't just happen with the Avengers. The police do all of that and more on a much more frequent basis."

You raised your eyebrows challengingly, though you had to admit it was a fair counter argument. Clicking your tongue, you rebutted, "That's true, but at least sometimes there are consequences for that! With people like the Avengers there are no consequences. There's no justice, no opposition, nothing! They can do whatever they want, whenever they want, no matter who gets hurt in the process."

Peter stood from your bed abruptly, raking a hand through his hair and pacing around your room with red cheeks. You could tell very well that he was trying to control his temper, though he was about as intimidating as a mouse, and you took deep breathes yourself. The last thing you wanted to do was to make him angry with you, but you weren't willing to back down about how you felt.

Inhaling slowly, he turned to you once again and said, "There are consequences. Don't you remember the Sokovia Accords? That whole fiasco was because of people who felt like you do."

The Sokovia Accords were a sham in your eyes. You remembered well when they had come about, and it seemed that they had changed nothing. For awhile most of the Avengers had gone off the grid, choosing to be international fugitives rather than sign, until the world needed them again. When Thanos had tried to wipe out half of all life in the universe they'd all come out of the woodwork again to save the day, and afterward it seemed as if all was forgotten.

There was no punishment for Captain America, Black Widow, none of them. They stopped another world ending event, causing plenty of damage in the process, and in turn were regarded as godly heroes once again. You sometimes wondered if the Accords were even a thing anymore.

"They felt that way for good reason!" you snapped before clearing your throat and trying to calm down again, "The Avengers have caused just as much devastation as they've prevented, maybe even more."

Peter jumped at your loud tone and snapped back, "What would you even know about it? I see it first hand every time, remember, so I know what happens! What do you know?"

"They killed my sister, did you know that?" you shouted, and he froze in place with wide eyes and parted lips, "Yeah, you know what happens, right? Well then you should know that I know damn well the damage the Avengers can do."

He sat back down on your bed wordlessly, watching you hesitantly as you tugged at a loose thread on your blanket anxiously. "I didn't know that, (Y/N)," he sighed, "I'm really sorry."

You didn't say anything for a long while, not trusting your voice to come out steady as you tried to hold back tears and also keep your temper in line. Talking about your sister's death wasn't something you really did, mostly because you knew it would cause you to break down. It hurt too much to think of it, let alone speak the words out loud.

But, as Peter continued to watch you as if expecting you to explode, you tried your best, "It was my fault. If it weren't for me we wouldn't have been at the park, and she--and she wouldn't have had to wait for me."

Peter reached out and gripped your hand firmly in his, causing you to momentarily short circuit in shock. You internally battled the conflicting urges to pull away or cling to him, but eventually you relaxed into the contact. Gently grasping his hand back, you let out a shaky breathe you hadn't realized you'd been holding.

It was grounding having his hand in yours. You didn't feel like you were at risk of drifting away into the void like you usually did; with his hand touching you, it felt as if you had a secure connection to the world again. It was a feeling you never wanted to lose again.

"It wasn't your fault, (Y/N)," he soothed, but you shook your head stubbornly.

Your eyes burned as you continued, "It was! She wanted to go shopping but I begged her to come to the park with me instead. I wanted to take some photos, and she'd argued with me for so long until she finally caved. A little bit after we got there we heard this really loud explosion, and I just--I just froze, and I..."

The words seemed to lodge in your throat, and your voice came out hoarse as you forced them out, "I froze staring up at Iron Man blasting some alien through the air, so stupidly shocked I didn't notice the building collapsing until she pushed me out of the way. I tried to grab her, but it was too late! A bunch of bricks hit her and--"

"Hey, hey, you don't have to tell me." Peter hushed you, gripping your hand tighter and scooting so close to you that his leg was pressed up against yours. Somehow the increased contact and warmth caused you to break, and suddenly you were crying in front of Peter Parker for the third time. You were three for three on crying in his presence, a thought that made you cry harder in embarrassment.

He didn't seem to care at all, though, as he took you by surprise and hugged you. "He just flew right by us. He didn't even stop when I screamed for help." you croaked, clutching Peter's shirt tightly in your fists as he held you, "I hate them. I hate them so much because it should be their fault, but I just keep blaming myself!"

You really hoped your mother wasn't eavesdropping, because she'd surely have wanted to talk to you about everything later. In all the time that had passed since your sister's death, you hadn't once retold the events of that day. You'd never spoken a single word about it, not even to the police who questioned you following the incident.

No matter how hard your parents had urged you to talk about it, or your therapist, you hadn't ever budged. It was your burden to bear, and you had never felt the desire or the strength to impart that load unto anyone else. Peter somehow broke down all of your walls without even trying, though, and it felt like a breathe of fresh air to finally get it all off of your chest.

There was no explanation for why he seemed to get you to do all the things you swore you never would without a word. It made no sense at all, and it scared you a lot, but you liked it. You craved the connection he gave you. Already, after such a short amount of time, you needed it. It would surely have crushed you if he decided not to care.

As your crying slowly subsided, Peter rubbed your back timidly and comforted, "It wasn't your fault, (Y/N), I mean it. It was just a freak thing, and you couldn't have done anything to stop it--sometimes bad things just happen, and they're inevitable."

"But, if I had just--"

He cut you off, "No, no buts. It wasn't your fault and you couldn't have prevented it. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel, okay? It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't your fault either."

You wanted to ask him how he could possibly know what you felt, or what he meant by saying it wasn't his fault, but it wasn't the right time. Pulling away and wiping your eyes, you sniffled, "I really need to stop crying in front of you. You're like an onion, you know? I just can't stop crying when you're around me."

Peter laughed loudly at your weak joke, and you couldn't fight back the quiet giggle the escaped your lips too. You hadn't laughed, genuinely laughed, in so long. "I like your laugh," he breathed, and your stomach erupted in the strangest fluttery sensation, "I like it a lot. You should never stop laughing."

SERIEST TAGLIST {ask to be added}:

@msmimimerton @zendayasfwb @sweet-symphony

[my-brothers-corrupted]

It's okay to talk about how hurting you are, Jackie. You came out of it with scars and trauma too. You're not alone in your pain, and JJ and you have been through the ringer and pulled back again. It's okay to acknowledge that it hurts. Not everything is okay, but that's okay.

Jackie purses his mouth before sticking another handful of nachos in it.

"I'm just taking guesses here," says Bowlan. "But the only reason I'm bringing it all up is because I expect that the pair of you need some medical attention as well."

Blue and Jackie exchange sulking looks. Blue sips at his fizzy drink.

Bowlan sighs.

"Okay. Let's talk Kayden."

"Please," mumbles Blue.

"Schizophrenia is one thing. There are ways we can work on handling it. Sometimes schizophrenia does not respond well to treatment or medication, but based on what you've told me, I think some behavioral therapy and medication, along with social support, could really help Kayden improve."

"That's great. But you said you thought there was more than schizophrenia going on."

"Well, there's the obvious things - vitamin deficiencies and some other things I want to look into. His bones are pretty brittle. I'm not surprised he has old fractures. But psychologically, yes, I'm worried about other things. Your brother's traumatized. I'm concerned about Post-Incarceration Syndrome."

“What... what is that?” asks Jackie. “Like, what does that mean?”

“No matter what happened to you boys, it seems that Kayden has really felt that he has been alone – and possibly stuck in his room – for several months, believing that this Anti is forcing him to stay inside. So, while Post-Incarceration Syndrome is usually applied to someone who has been in prison, I think it might describe some of what your brother is going through. It often includes PTSD – the reliving his terror, the paranoia, the panic attacks and breakdowns – and can even include Stockholm Syndrome, which, in what I have to admit would make a very interesting case study, he seems to have developed through his own hallucination. Most concerningly, I think that Kayden is demonstrating Social Sensory Deprivation from long-term isolation.”

Blue's stomach flips. He stares down at his plate, losing his appetite fast.

“He has some stimming behaviors consistent with intense social deprivation, including, at times, self-harm, slamming his head into things or biting his fingers to blood. He's deeply obsessive. You've probably seen the way he draws for hours and hours at a time, often unable to stop even when someone tries to pull him out of it, and sometimes drawing the same thing again and again and again. He gets overwhelmed if you talk to him for too long, but at the same time, he seems almost alarmingly desperate for social interaction. He needs to be with people right now.”

“We won't leave him on his own again,” whispers Blue, unable to meet his eyes. “We... couldn't do anything about it til now.”

“All we can do is move forward,” agrees the old man kindly, stirring his tea. “I'm just sorry he's been through so much. And I'm glad he has you now.”

“Yes, forever now,” agrees Jackie. “I promise.”

“But there is another reason I'm bringing this up. Post-Incarceration Syndrome can also include personality changes and a shifted view of the world. In Kayden, this is appearing as learned helplessness and submissiveness, generally ingrained in a person as part of their survival mechanism in an oppressive or abusive environment. He has felt that he is completely at the mercy of this monster for a very long time, and that would make it difficult for anyone to get out of the mindset that kept them alive.

"On the other hand, in some prisoners, it manifests as aggression towards others and more angry, defensive personality traits and outbursts, trying to protect one's self from the abusive environment by lashing out. But Kayden has been mild – and in fact quite kind – so long as he isn't hallucinating a threat. There can also be a need for control and a preference for the set-up of the abusive system even if it was problematic. They're called Institutionalized Personality Traits – or just Antisocial Personality Traits. And I bring this up, boys, just because I wonder if maybe Kayden isn't the only one displaying some of these behaviors.”

Blue and Jackie look up together, and then at each other, sharing the same expression of alarm. Just as quickly, they turn back to their plates, Jackie scraping up his chips while Blue takes a hasty sip of his drink.

Bowlan laughs and then clears his throat apologetically. “Sorry, it's just that you two are certainly twins. I think you must be using telepathy.”

Blue sighs, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “We just... we're here for Dap – for Kayden.”

“If Kayden is the only one who's been through hell in the last few months, then sure, let's focus on Kayden,” Bowlan agrees, picking at his salad.

“I do have some control issues and a bad temper sometimes,” says Jackie. “Hard to keep my emotions in check. That's probably all you're seeing.”

“Ah,” says Bowlan, visibly unconvinced. “And yourself, Matti?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” answers Blue blankly.

“You're also quite thin, the pair of you. A little more active, I would guess, but quite thin. A little scarred up. A little panicky at times, if you don't mind me saying. Look, we don't have to get into it, I'm not a shrink, just... think about it. About getting some help for yourself.”

Blue turns away darkly, but Jackie's wheels are already spinning, absent-mindedly sifting his chips through cheese. He does have angry outbursts. He does cling to the brother system and relive bad shit that's happened to him, and sometimes he feels so angry at everyone else around him that he just wants to slink home to his brothers and spend the rest of his life hating the world until it stops scaring him. Post-Incarceration Syndrome. It repeats in his head.

Maybe it's a name for the enemy he's facing.

And if he can admit that there is an enemy to face, if he can admit that there is something that's hurting him - well, maybe then he can fight it too.

“What do we do to help Kayden with all that, though?” asks Blue. “Social isolation and learned helplessness and Stockholm Syndrome. Like a therapist, okay, sure. But what do we do? As his family?”

“I think it will be really good for him to be living with someone again,” Bowlan encourages. “Keeping him company, providing him with the social stimulation he's been missing. Just helping him live again, you know? He needs hobbies other than drawing for fourteen hours a day. Needs to get out of the house, to meet people, to remember who he was before all this. Help him make his own decisions and give him power in his life again so he doesn't think he just has to lie down and let this all happen to him. Respecting his choices is going to be key here. I've been watching you two – I know you want to take care of him. But you will need to be able to let him decide how to take care of himself too once he's feeling a little more stable. Otherwise you'll just become the new boss to him.”

Blue nods. He supposes that's what the cameras said too. Tearing down the big brother system. Treating Dapper like an equal. In the abstract, it all makes sense. He just needs to start applying it. Harder than it sounds, but... necessary. Vital, even. Shit, this is going to be difficult.

"Do you have any questions for me?" asks the doctor.

[aros001]

Going in blind: Watching season 5 for the first time. Random thoughts.

Episode 1: Well...that dinner got dark. From what other fans have told me apparently Glimmer gets a lot of hate for her decisions during the series and I just find that odd. I was more annoyed with her in the early seasons where her actions were more harmless simply because she had no patience and wouldn't listen because of her immaturity. Season 4 and here though? Even her most reckless and risky actions have at least been fueled by the genuine desire to keep people safe during a very hard situation. Even here, yeah, she tells Prime something it's very bad for him to know but he was going to have Adora and everyone else literally murdered before her eyes if she didn't. I can't really be mad at Glimmer for making a bad choice when it flows logically and fueled by the desire to keep the people she cares about from being slaughtered.

I don't think we've ever seen Catra this completely at the mercy of another person before, save maybe for Shadow Weaver when she was a child. She has nothing to offer that Prime doesn't already possess. Nothing he wants that he can't get for himself. Her relationship with everyone these past few seasons have been either "I'm your commander and you have to do what I say" or "You are my commander and here's the reason you have to keep me around". This time she has nothing to protect herself behind and the only reason she's still around is because Prime might think of a use for her later.

I love having Scorpia on the heroes' side.

Episode 2: That ending though.

I think what helps elevate Entrapta for me and keeps her for being annoying or irritating is that the show really sells that she just genuinely has trouble understanding why she should/shouldn't be doing certain things. It's not stupidity or even pure self-absorption, she just struggles with people and social ques while machines and science is a lot more straightforward. Heck, she was probably able to bond so well with Hordak because work together in the lab was them meeting on a common middle ground she could understand and relax in. The way she's trying to overcome the issue to help save Glimmer reminds me a little of Mob from Mob Psycho 100, feeling a little frustrated in not understanding something that she knows she should be.

Episode 3: Anybody else get a Disney's Hercules vibes at the end there?

Catra: "Besides, O Oneness, you can't beat her! She has no weaknesses! She's gonna kick your...!"

Prime, smiling: "I think she does, little sister." [Strokes Catra's hair] "I truly think...she does."

This episode really sold how completely isolated Catra is. With the sole exception of Glimmer, she's in space, no idea where exactly she is, onboard a ship filled with nothing but Prime and hundreds of cultist clones. Throughout the entire series we've seen Catra push everyone away and now that she's in a situation where she is almost well and truly on her own with no power, freedom, or authority, she seeks out the one other person around to find any sense of comfort in. Despite everything, Catra doesn't like being alone.

Little child Catra lashing out because she didn't want Adora to have any friends other than her kind of reminds me of Glimmer and Bow during the Princess Prom episode. I imagine it's the same mentality. Growing up in isolation, even if in different forms, and finding only that one person they feel thay can really lean on, there is that fear that they'll find someone else they like more and start caring about them less, or even outright stop. The difference is Bow set Glimmer straight, assuring her he'll always be her friend no matter what but he's not going to be just solely dedicated to her. Her fear was understandable but she was not respecting him as a friend either. Adora never really had that with Catra, one because she was much younger and less mature than Bow, and Catra was probably all she had too, to an extent. As we saw season 1, she was always trying to look after her, even when Catra needed to take responsibility for herself. Bow is not Glimmer's keeper, while Adora too often was that for Catra, so Bow and Glimmer have a better foundation of mutual respect while Adora and Catra's dynamic has been really screwed up for a long time.

Kind of tying into that, despite all that's happened between them, the minute Adora hears Catra's in distress she starts panicking and tearing up. The last time they saw each other they were very much enemies and Adora was done reaching her hand out to her. I suppose you could make the argument she's really been hoping all this time that Catra would finally do the right thing for once, just probably didn't expect it to be like this.

Prime better not mind wipe Catra like he did Hordak.

Episode 4: See, calling the heroes the rebellion now makes sense since they are rebelling against the established power, which is Prime.

Love that trick with the reflections, where you can sort of see/sort of can't see She-Ra. A nice little tease for what I imagine will be a big reveal later.

I really like that explanation for what Bow's going through. Last season's finale was the last he'd seen Glimmer and was desperately trying to save her, and he's been consistently worried for her since then. Now that she's safe he's starting to let himself process his other emotions towards her, and I totally get it. It's hard to be mad at someone when you're also terrified over what might be happening to them, even if your anger is justified. While I get why Glimmer last season did what she thought she had to, it was still a big risk that Bow warned her about and she didn't listen, putting them all in danger. This situation and Glimmer's words is a very mature way of handle this topic. He's not wrong for being mad and it's not a contradiction to what we've been seeing from him this season. Humans and emotions are complicated.

Episode 5: SHE HAS PAAAAAAAAANTS!!! (I will miss the cape though)

That almost makes up for them cutting Catra hair. Seriously, that mane was beautiful!

But boy, speaking of Hercules, that return of She-Ra definitely felt like Hercules emerging from the pool of souls to save Meg.

With the one clone being disconnected from the hive mind and having a breakdown over it, that does make me wonder if Hordak has been connected to it. Wasn't he deemed a defect because Prime couldn't connect to his mind? I suppose it's possible that flaw was corrected. Clearly Prime can take over minds other than just his clones, like with Catra. But if he could do that I'm wondering why he just didn't when Hordak was first created and he instead cast him out to Etheria.

Was Catra purring at the end? I swear there was a sound that sounded like purring.

Episode 6: Assimilation is easily one of my biggest fears in fiction, be it zombies, Borgs and Cybermen, Get Out, the freaking Sapphire Dragon from Xiaolin Showdown that scared the hell out of me as a kid! Just the concept of having your free will and autonomy completely ripped away from you, potentially with you still being aware but unable to do anything about it, is horrifying! At least with Prime's chips the process is reversible.

Anyway, in lighter plots, I kind of love Wrong Hordak. He's really funny. I feel bad that he's being deliberately misled, but he really shouldn't be following Prime anyway, so...

I do like that Adora is being a little more tough on Catra. She needs kindness, yes, but she also needs honesty and discipline, the kind that has actual love and care behind it, unlike what she got from Shadow Weaver. Adora is genuinely trying to help so Catra needs to stop acting like a brat and LET HER HELP.

Episode 7: Catra was definitely purring.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume people probably ship Scorpia and Perfuma. Not that I have any problem with that. It's like the Midoriya/Todoroki ship; I don't ship it myself but I totally get why others do. It's a relationship based in mutual respect and one of the characters having a significantly positive effect on the life of the other. As long as the shipper themselves is not horrifically toxic, I don't care.

Also, I don't think I've ever been so intimidated by Mermista before than I was with that one shot of her in silhouette, just before the reveal she was chipped.

Episode 8: Okay, I definitely love Wrong Hordak. Just that realization of his. "Horde Prime...lied to us..." There's just something about it that's so full of character. Obviously he's a brainwashed clone but he was truly devoted to Prime and just to find out that he would keep something so big from them, from the hive mind that's supposed to be so open to him and each other, it destroys everything he ever believed in. It's hilarious to watch him prepare to lead his brothers in a revolt against Prime.

I assume magic is Prime's "weakness" in that he himself cannot control it. Obviously he can control magical beings like Spinnerella and have them use magic but magic itself is too free and too powerful for him to contain and fully fight back against. He's all about order and stillness and magic is basically chaos.

Episode 9: I like to believe the mushroom kingdom they saved is a Mario reference.

Something I like in hero stories is "the power of a name" or "the power of a symbol". Something as simple as Superman's S-shield can have so much weight and meaning behind it just because of the person it's tied to. She-Ra isn't just a powerful warrior to the people of Etheria, she's a hero of legend. We saw it touched on even back in season 1 how much Adora returning She-Ra to the world meant to everyone. She-Ra to them is a symbol of hope. If they have her on their side, then they believe they might be able to win and with that ordinary people can find the strength to fight too. It's something I think the Green Lantern put best with how the Blue Rings of hope supercharge the Green Rings of will but lose a lot of their functions when the greens are not around. Hope is useless if you don't have the will to also act, but in turn hope can give people the will to act. The more hope they have that they can win, the more they will fight to win.

That was the nerdiest comparison I've ever made.

Episode 10: I appreciate a good bad dad joke and that's why I can't approve of "punderstand". It's too much of stretch to flow well. "Ruined" was good though.

I'm less surprised that Scorpia's been chipped and more that she's even alive. She was at the bottom of the ocean when the roof broke and she's a scorpion woman. I don't think water is a very friendly element for her. She's even commented on how good the desert was to her.

I wonder her She-Ra mode is not working for her simply because Adora is exhausted; mentally and physically. I don't think she's ever used the form this continuously before, and she's been doing it without the First Ones' sword that she has experience with. Her new sword and its transformations may be made out of her own energy for all we know. And then there's just the emotional toil of having Catra back in her life while it feels like more and more of the world is being turned against her.

Episode 11: Oh, I'm definitely shipping Hordak and Entrapta.

I think Re:Zero has spoiled me on dark magic. While Micah with his dark magic is a threat, in this show and many others dark magic basically just equates to "spooky, evil, bad stuff" magic that isn't that different from most other kinds of magic other than being either harder to control or more geared towards causing harm. In Re:Zero, dark magic was DARK. It felt unnatural, like a perversion of how their world's magic is supposed to be and that it didn't belong in this reality. Micah's dark magic is basically "I'm attacking you with shadows, oOoOoOo so scary!"

Not really surprised Catra left. She just got Adora back and now she's potentially about to let herself die. Perfuma said it best, letting people in and letting herself be vulnerable is hard. Caring about Adora and watching her die would be a huge blow, so Catra would rather curl back up into her shell and block out Adora again than have to risk taking that hit.

Episode 12: I keep saying it but now having them right next to each other, yeah, Mara's She-Ra outfit is better than Adora's. I don't know, there's just something grander about it. Anyway, on topic, I'm a big fan of superheroes and legacy and all that and I really like Mara's words to Adora. All she did and sacrificed was so that others, especially the next She-Ra, wouldn't have to do the same. It doesn't matter how noble and heroic it is, tragedy is tragedy and anyone who knows that kind of pain doesn't want anyone else to have to go through it.

I'm not surprised by the love confession between Glimmer and Bow. I felt it could go either way with them either hooking up or just staying really good friends, but that in itself is a sign of how good and natural their friendship is. I can easily buy how it would evolve into something more between them. The situation they're in probably helps. When Glimmer was taken they both thought they might never see each other again and that fear and worry probably caused them to reevaluate how they feel about the other. They've been clinging to each other since getting back, as every day could be their last. Something like that is naturally going to push two people together.

Episode 13: So...are there any plans for a season 6? Or a comic continuation like Avatar and Korra got? Because this was a good finale...buuuuuuuuut I feel there are definitely some things that needed a bit more exploration.

This is typically why I like stories with epilogue endings, especially those set some number of years in the future. Little glimpses of what everyone's doing now, allowing the audience to fill in for themselves what happened in-between. There's nothing wrong with this episode but it does just kind of...stop. They beat Prime. Everybody's cheering and happy. Adora suggests they bring magic back to the universe. And...that's it. We don't see anything more. No aftermath, no post-war, nothing. We end on the moment of victory, and while it's not a bad moment it leaves the ending feeling a little incomplete.

It kind of feels like the writers either really had to rush to the ending to make the 13 episode deadline or simply didn't want to address whatever happens with Catra and Hordak now. With the bigger threat of Horde Prime it makes sense why everyone puts aside past issues and works together. But now that the crisis is over, naturally everyone would have to address everything the Horde had done to Etheria for years with Hordak and Catra leading it. Don't get me wrong, I believe that Catra loves Adora, I believe Adora loves her, and I believe Catra wants to be a better person. It's not like I'm saying she needs to be locked up or executed. But she did cause a lot of damage and put Adora especially through hell, and just because Shadow Weaver is the one who screwed her up so bad doesn't mean she doesn't have any responsibility for her own actions. So it just would have been nice to get even a little bit of lip service to show that Catra would be trying to right her wrongs from this point forward, instead of just "Prime's gone, everyone's happy, bye!" At least with Entrapta she seemed to genuinely not understand why what she was doing at the time was wrong and Scorpia, like Adora and Huntara, defected from the Horde to do the right thing despite it being even more part of her upbringing than anyone else. I can't even imagine what happens with Hordak now.

Don't get me wrong, this is far from the worst I've ever seen a redemption handled. I haven't read/watched any of Boruto outside of the movie and Gaiden tie-in but I've read all of Naruto and there is no reason that Orochimaru should just be walking around and casually talking with people after all he's done. Kaiba in the Yu-Gi-Oh manga built an entire theme park to try an murder Yugi and his friends and they bring it up like twice after that arc. Kylo Ren turning back to the light was one of the potential paths for his character, so that made sense in TROS, but they essentially did "He died heroically and therefore totally redeemed himself for every terrible thing he's ever done."; basically a cop-out. Catra's alive and can at least potentially still own up to her actions and work to redeem herself. And I love Steven Universe, but kind of like with Catra nearly killing everyone (including herself) via the unstable portal, fans have naturally pointed out that the Diamonds enslaved and committed genocide on multiple planets and really faced no consequences for that other than "Stop it". Catra's not at the gold standard of redemption stories, which for me is probably Zuko and Endeavor, but she's far from the bottom. I think the best way to describe it is that Catra had as good, if not better, reasons for being so bad and screwed up as Zuko did, just as good step-up for turning good as Zuko did, but she didn't have nearly as much payoff afterwards to make it feel like a full journey like Zuko did.

But enough about all that. Love the basically goddess She-Ra Adora became. Given the emphasis on healing powers with She-Ra we've had, I'm guessing that's essentially how she destroyed Prime. She purified Hordak and Prime was basically an infection within him. I like when heroes snatch victory from the jaws of defeat but I also when there's an implication towards the villain that "Wow. I never stood a chance." She-Ra's power just dwarfs his. Full potential realized by Adora and he was just gone.

Also I don't know how I forgot that Prime could jump into the bodies of his clones but his possession of Hordak got me. I genuinely couldn't think of how he'd survive after Hordak shoved him off the edge (set free by the power of love!).

And even if the ending feels a little incomplete, the episode itself still did well with my emotional investment. I was gripped by during Catra's confession and the tension within the heart.

Season 5 and overall series verdict: I'm very glad I saw this series. Even though its ending falls a little short for me, this was still really good. Seasons 3 was probably my favorite overall but this story had a very good flow to it. It steadily built up bigger each season, with Catra and Hordak being really compelling villains driving the whole thing. Not that Prime was bad. He was a genuine threat and his cult of clones is a good creepy concept. He's just not as good as the other two. I'm sure part of what elevates him up is because I'm thinking of the JL director's cut but Hordak really is just better Steppenwolf. Everything that worked about that character, Hordak is that to an 11.

Given how I've talked about her more than any of the others, Catra is probably my favorite character. Just the damage that girl has been through. I always understood why she was doing what she did, even though there was rarely a moment I'd agree with exactly what she was doing. Again, it's one of the reasons it feels like the series just kind of ended. There's a lot to be seen with Catra's character now, a lot that can be done, and it just feels like a shame to really not show any of it. This isn't a fault of SRPOP itself because so many series, especially animated and anime, are guilty of but it always bugs me when a series ends on two characters hooking. Relationships are interesting, I'd argue more so than the build-up to them, but no writer ever wants to actually explore them after the hook-up. I never cared about Korra and Mako being a couple but I still found their relationship as a couple more interesting and character building than any of the will they/won't they build-up to it. And I actually like the idea of Adora and Catra as a couple. It's a big reason why I'm so happy the Harley Quinn animated series got renewed for a third season, as it otherwise would have just ended on a hook-up between two characters who, like Adora and Catra, love each other but have had a complicated dynamic for a while. I believe Adora and Catra love each other, but they've got a lot of stuff to work out and I want to see that! Catra's got abandonment issues and that in turn caused her to be unhealthily possessive over Adora. Just seeing the two of them try to work through that alone would be fascinating.

Like I suspected early on, Scorpia's my favorite supporting character. Entrapta's a decent 2nd. Took a small dip when it seemed like she was joining the Horde over feeling abandoned by the princesses when they thought she was dead but that picked back up once it was made more clear "Oh, okay, you're not being petty or stupid. You genuinely don't understand." It made her a more interesting character, and I love her and Hordak's relationship.

Least favorite characters...probably Sea Hawk and those three former Horde friends of Adora and Catra. I never hated them but I never cared about what was happening when they were on screen. They fill out the world a bit, they drive the plot, they're not wastes of space, they even get some laughs. There are just so many other characters in the series way more interesting than them.

Biggest surprise for me was definitely Glimmer and Bow. I never thought I'd dislike them but the best friends characters in series like this can kind of go one way or another with how relevant or deep they are. Glimmer especially I was surprised how much I was invested. She really grew a lot as a person throughout the series and I thought the dilemma over the Heart of Etheria was a good one.

Honestly there's a lot more I could talk about but I have only so many words and my thoughts are a jumble right now so I'm going to leave it at that. I will say I really appreciate how supportive you all on this Reddit have been. It's something I hate about some other fandoms I'm in where they basically are so toxic that they make no one else actually want to watch/read the thing they're fans of because they can't help but associate it with them.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/PrincessesOfPower/comments/o2p6wq/going_in_blind_watching_season_5_for_the_first/

[spicycreativity]

Soft-Shoe Shuffle - Ch 10

Chapter: 10/12 Additional Notes: See Ch 1 for more information. Read on AO3 under "WizardGlick." Any formatting/italics errors are holdovers from AO3 that I was too lazy to fix. Chapter Content Warnings: N/A; ask to tag Excerpt: "I'm the scary one," Remus muttered in Janus' ear. "Not you. So don't ever scare me like that again, okay?" Janus considered the humor-to-consequences ratio of falling limp in Remus' arms and decided it wouldn't be worth it. "I won't."

If it all falls down, falls down, falls down

I can warm a crowd, I can make them shout

I can juggle verbs, adverbs, and nouns

I can make them dance 'til they all fall down

Janus woke up exhausted, which really wasn't fair considering the amount that he'd been sleeping lately.

Someone was stroking his hair, which was nice. Probably Remus. Remus wouldn't care that Janus' hair was stiff with dried sweat and that he hadn't brushed his teeth in who even knew how many days.

He shifted and nuzzled Remus' thigh.

Realization dawned slowly. Remus' nails were longer than this, Remus didn't smell like this, Remus had never sat still like this.

Janus couldn't even bring himself to be embarrassed at the mix-up. He was too tired and sore to really care who was petting his hair like this.

Except that it was probably Patton.

Subconsciously, Janus pulled the teddy bear closer to his chest. It had to be subconscious, because he would never cuddle a stuffed toy on purpose.

Janus opened his eyes.

Patton withdrew his hand like he'd been burned. "I'm sorry," he said, cheeks coloring. "Did I wake you up?"

Janus shook his head. His skin still tingled where Patton had touched him and he wanted it back so badly , but he didn't know how to ask.

"Remus made me promise I'd go get him next time you woke up. Well. Logan made me promise. Remus threatened me. Anyway!" Patton was already halfway to the door.

He was gone before Janus found his voice. "Don't go," Janus whispered to the air.

A moment later, Remus came barreling in with Logan in hot pursuit. Then came Virgil, then Patton again, and finally Roman.

Logan lunged forward to try to catch the back of Remus' shirt, but he was just a split second too late. Janus braced for impact, but Remus only fell on his knees by the bedside and pulled Janus into a tight hug.

"Awww," Patton cooed from the doorway.

"I'm the scary one," Remus muttered in Janus' ear. "Not you. So don't ever scare me like that again, okay?"

Janus considered the humor-to-consequences ratio of falling limp in Remus' arms and decided it wouldn't be worth it. "I won't."

Remus pulled back and made a lewd hand gesture. "Scout's honor?"

Janus manipulated Remus' fingers into the correct position and held his own hand up as well. "Scout's honor."

Remus nodded in apparent satisfaction, so Janus grabbed his shoulder and used it to haul himself upright. Virgil and Patton fidgeted by his desk while Roman leaned against the doorway and Logan hovered behind Remus.

"Well," Janus said, trying to sound better than he felt. "As you can see, I've died. Virgil will handle my estate, so please direct your concerns to him."

"Like I want all your pretentious steampunk crap," Virgil mumbled, looking around at the leather and brass and hardwood.

"It's art deco," Janus and Logan said at the same time, albeit with very different intonation.

Janus squinted at Logan, who seemed to take this as his cue to speak. "You need to eat something."

"Like a dick!" Remus crowed.

Janus sighed, expecting an uproar, but nothing more dramatic than general collective eye-rolling and awkward throat-clearing occurred in response.

Logan carried on, "Something light like chicken broth or dry toast." He cocked an eyebrow, indicating that this was a question.

"Goodness, however shall I choose," Janus said, trying and failing to keep the venom out of his voice. He did better on stage than he did under a microscope, yet here everyone was, studying him. It was all he could do not to squirm.

Patton's voice echoed in his ears suddenly:

He never asks for anything, he just talks around it until you figure it out on your own.

"Could you…" Janus balled both hands into fists. "I want…" He squeezed his eyes shut and expelled a breath through his nose."I just love that you're all in here staring at me. It's not awkward at all. " He fixed his gaze on the ceiling, only just managing to hold back a frustrated curse. Another failure. Another reason for the others to go back to hating him.

"Oh, gosh!" Patton said, but he didn't sound hurt or angry. "We're sorry; it's probably overwhelming to have us all in here at once, huh?"

Janus nodded, not trusting himself to speak. The feeling had grown uncomfortably familiar as of late.

"We'll let Logan look you over," Patton said. He shuffled out of the room after Roman, waving for Virgil to follow him.

Remus winked and wiggled his tongue at Janus. "Have fun playing doctor." He bounded out and shut the door behind him.

"So," Janus said, fidgeting with one of the teddy bear's ears. "He and Roman can stand to be in the same room as each other now?"

"It helps that they were both quite worried about you," Logan said. A pause. "As was I." He preoccupied himself clearing off a space on Janus' nightstand, willing a plate of dry toast into existence, then methodically taking the cap off a bottle of Gatorade and inserting a white bendy straw.

"Plastic straws are killing the sea turtles, you know," Janus said.

Logan looked at him, puzzled. "Rest assured, this one will not and indeed, cannot find its way into the water supply." A moment later he said, "Oh. You were making a joke."

"It's polite to laugh."

"Please excuse my rudeness, then."

Janus smiled. "I think Remus likes you," he said to cut the tension.

Logan tilted his head at the nightstand. "Why?"

Janus took the hint and began pulling the crust off a piece of toast. "I just have a feeling."

"Hm." Logan thinned his lips, but did not press the issue.

"Logan?"

"Yes?"

"What happened? When I was…"

"Incapacitated?"

"Sure."

Logan pushed up his glasses. "You were in a state of delirium for approximately five days. What is the last thing you remember?"

"Clearly? I had a conversation with Patton about… certain choices I had made in regards to Roman." Logan raised an eyebrow but did not interrupt. "It gets hazy after that. You and Patton were in my room, I think. And… I'm not totally sure this happened, but I seem to recall trying to apologize to Roman."

Logan nodded. "You did. Then you fainted in his room, and the ensuing chaos actually led to the temporary resolution of several interpersonal conflicts we had been experiencing."

"Just according to plan," Janus said, steepling his fingers. Logan didn't laugh. "Another joke."

"Please eat your toast."

"Alright, alright." Janus finished picking the crust off one slice and took a hesitant bite.

"Good." Logan nodded in approval. "To further answer your question, Remus has enacted a truce with Patton, Roman, and Virgil. Which essentially means that he agreed to 'tone down' his more distracting behaviors and the others would refrain from, ah…" Logan checked his note cards. "'Getting their strawberry-flavored edible panties in a twist'."

Janus nearly choked on his toast and made a hasty grab for the Gatorade. "How sweet."

"Yes, the sugar content of Blue Cherry Gatorade is regrettably rather high-- Oh. Yes, I suppose it was rather nice of everyone. Virgil also ceased his self-isolation for the sake of seeing you and talked a little about his feelings, as did Roman."

"Hmph." Janus shoved the rest of the toast in his mouth so he wouldn't have to talk. It had been his goal to fix everything, but not quite like this. Not at all like this, actually. He had become another piece on the chessboard, and not even a powerful piece like the queen. No, he was more like a bishop, moving laterally to move forward. And now he had no idea how to get what he wanted.

"Interestingly," Logan said. "I believe it was your involuntary display of vulnerability that led the others to treat each other more gently.

"I get it, I'm the hero," Janus said sourly. Hooray, he'd solved Patton's problems by running around like an idiot. How impressive.

"I was… I was trying to make you feel better."

Janus smiled despite himself. "Thank you. Really."

"Something is bothering you," Logan said. "I can't tell what it is. I had thought you might feel embarrassed, but you are handling matters very calmly, despite the fact that you have a tendency to raise your voice and lash out when agitated or threatened. This leads me to believe you are experiencing a different negative emotion, but I cannot identify what it is or why." Logan paused and cleared his throat, his eyes downcast. "This bothers me because you are my friend."

"I couldn't possibly be tired," Janus snapped, realizing a split second later he'd inadvertently proven Logan's point. "Oh."

Janus sighed and flicked over his metaphorical king, albeit in his own way. "I'm not thinking about all the ways a relationship with Patton could go horribly wrong."

"But you have a relationship with Patton--" Logan's eyes widened. "I see. Are you concerned that your feelings are unrequited?"

"Well, that and the opposite."

"I don't follow."

"Virgil told me that if I break Patton's heart, he'll break me . Literally."

"You're afraid of Virgil ?"

Janus ran his fingers over his temple and took in a breath while he waited for Logan to put the pieces together.

"You're afraid you'll hurt Patton."

"I'm not exactly known for my communication skills."

"Have you tried speaking sincerely instead of hiding your intentions with sarcasm?"

"No , the thought has never crossed my mind."

Logan smiled. "It was a joke."

Janus didn't hiss at him.

Logan continued, "I do think you should try to be honest with Patton."

"Easier said than done."

"But it can be done."

"I'll...think about it." Janus waved a hand to dismiss the topic.

[willow-salix]

Isolation update!

Day 73 of Isolation on Tracy Island

“Scott?”

“Yeah?” he looked over from the movie he was half watching, caught somewhere between wakefulness and sleep.

“Can we go out?”

“Huh?” he frowned, clearly not following me at all. Can’t say I blame him, I hadn’t said a word for twenty minutes, a minor miracle for me, and then announced that.

"Don't fall for it," John advised.

“Can we go out?” I repeated.

“Where? It’s not like there’s anywhere to go," Scott asked.

I waved my phone at him. “England has just eased the lockdown and has said you can have up to six people in a garden at one time and I want to visit my mum.”

“Sure, I mean, I guess so. When do you want to go?” He’s such a good boy, this one.

“Now.”

“Now? You do realise it’s almost midnight, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but we’re on the other side of the world, it’s daytime there. If we go in the morning it’ll be too late. Come on, please? I've not seen them in over two months."

“Why me?” he groaned. “It’s this supposed to be John’s job?”

“You have the craft that can get anywhere in the world in under twenty minutes. And he’s refused to ever go to her’s for a barbecue again.”

“Too right I have,” he muttered. I nudged him with my elbow and he nudged me back. We got into a little nudge fight until Scott cleared his throat.

“I’m probably going to regret asking this since I already said yes, but why won’t John go again?”

“Mum has a habit of inviting everyone she knows and then she forces us to socialise. Last time she towed him around and introduced him to everyone and forced him to eat three burgers because he is too skinny.”

“It was horrendous,” he shuddered. "I felt like I was on parade, I half expected someone to check my teeth and smack my rump."

“She can’t do it this time because of the six people limit, but apparently this brave, heroic rescuer isn't prepared to risk it.”

“Because I’m not stupid,” he snorted. “I’ll stay here and just be happy when you get back, OK?”

“That is somewhat acceptable,” I allowed. "But you had better be bloody ecstatic when I return."

“Can I take back my agreement to go?” Scott asked.

“No, but you can bring a few more brothers if you want to, choose wisely.”

“Virgil, everyone loves him,” Scott decided. “The other two can't be trusted anywhere. Hey, Virg?”

“Yeah?” he called back from the kitchen where he was making his ninth cup of coffee (and then wonders why he's still awake at 3am).

“You wanna go to a barbecue?”

“Food? Sure! When?”

“Now!”

“Sure!”

“I notice you didn’t tell him where,” John grinned, receiving a soft smack on the knee for the comment.

“It won’t be that bad,” I insisted, but honestly I’m not sure who I was trying to convince. "She'll ask where you are, you know that, right?"

"Tell her that I fell into a black hole and you're expecting it to spit me out sometime before Christmas."

"Yeah, like she's going to believe that one again."

***

There was a crowd of children outside as Scott lowered One down onto the grassy green outside Mum's house, managing to avoid the trees. Skilled, that one. I can’t even park straight most days.

“There you are!” Mum called from the door, refusing to step one foot outside while the rest of the world of out was around. “Go round the back, you can’t come inside the house, your brother’s already out there! Have you got a toilet in that fancy machine? Because you can’t come inside the house! Did you bring your own plates? Because you-”

“Can’t come inside the house,” we choroused.

“We know, Mum, don’t worry.”

“Alright,” she answered. “Oh, did you bring your own drinks? Because you can’t come inside the house. No cuppa for you today, sorry, because you can’t come in and you know I won’t have my good mugs out in the garden.”

“It’s fine, Mum, we can only stay for an hour anyway, it’s getting late.”

“It’s only just gone one!”

“Yeah, but it’s one in the morning for us, you know that.”

“Oh, I’ll never get used to that nonsense,” she muttered dismissively as she shut the door on us.

“Should I be scared?” Virgil asked.

“No, don’t be silly, she loves you,” I assured him, silently crossing my fingers in the hope that I wasn't lying to him.

We’ll just stay an hour turned into three and it was growing light by the time we touched back down Tracy Island side. John was dozing on the couch when we got back. I waved one of the leftover burgers under his nose that Scott had ended up cooking because Mum had decided that drinking copious amounts of gin was a better use of her time than actually cooking the food she’d invited us to eat. My brother, being a vegetarian, refused to touch anything meat related and wouldn’t cook either.

John grabbed at the burger without even opening his eyes, catching my wrist and directing it towards his mouth while I held it for him, only sitting up to take it once he’d taken a bite.

“Lazy,” I accused, but he knew I didn’t mean it.

“How bad was it?” he asked Scott and Virgil, who flopped wearily down on the couch opposite.

“I had a great time,” Virgil grinned.

“Only because of the dog,” Scott grumbled.

“Mum’s dog fell in love with him,” I explained. “Fat, soppy staffie that insisted on climbing on his lap and refused to move.”

“He was cute,” Virgil cooed. “And he loved me.”

“That dog loves everyone,” John told him. “You aren’t special.”

“Apparently Scott is,” I grinned. “Mum thinks he’s the most handsome thing ever to have walked this earth, she is obsessed with him. She kept checking him out, I’m sure of it.”

“I feel slightly violated,” Scott confessed. “She wouldn’t leave me alone, she kept asking me questions.”

“She did that to me too,” John told him. “Did she call all her neighbours to come to meet you?”

“Yes, one even got a ladder out to wave over the fence”

“Did she tell you all that she loves you because she was tipsy?”

“Many times, we got a lot of attention.”

“Did you end up cooking because she forgot to and burnt the first batch?” John continued his interrogation.

“No, I ended up cooking because the first batch were only cooked on one side,” Scott answered.

“I played with the puppy,” Virgil smiled.

“He’s hardly a puppy, he’s eleven,” I laughed.

“They are puppies forever,” he insisted.

“So you regret taking her?”John asked Scott.

“No, of course not. She’s been here for more than two months with our family, she needed to see her’s,” he answered. “But I do regret forgetting to set the alarm on One and now we have to scrub off a rude depiction of a piece of male anatomy that’s been spray painted on one of her tail fins.” Scott yawned and got up. “I’m going to get a few hours sleep before we give my baby a bath.”

“Scott!” Virgil yelled, jumping up and following after him. “Can we get a puppy?”

“And you wondered why I didn’t want to go,” John finished his burger and grabbed my hand, hauling me to my feet. “Bed for you, it’s late and you know full well you’ll be helping him clean tomorrow.”

[delirious-comfort]

I didn't realize my replies were getting so lengthy. I guess I ramble too much.

Oh my. Scandalous! And very forward. I think I'd feel a strange mix of discomfort and flattery. I suppose I should have known you'd get a fan club.

Adults? Currently? Or in the past? (It's okay if you'd really rather not talk about it) If I could, I would verbally body them for you. I can be as mean as I look.

The olden days. You're making me feel extra old. I'll have you know I was a kid then, too. RIP Donald. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive or a drama queen. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I'm kinda a drama queen, too, but only kinda. Sensitive? I will ugly-cry at the drop of a hat sometimes when I think something is sad enough. Bambi's mom dying, Little Foot's mom, Ellie Fredricksen from Up, Nellie Crain's story.. Absolutely bawled.

Haha I have playlists for just about everything, and you're not wrong. Glad you liked it.

I don't have Facebook, so I miss all these fun and hard-hitting questions. I did tell you I live under a rock.

Given those rules, I think I could definitely do it if I don't need to bring anyone with me. If I did and there was only one bed, it'd be a definite no.

For your own cottage scenario, could you still text/call people? And would that help?

You're worse than I am! I approve. I just spoil mine rotten.

My hands are usually cold. I can relate. If anything, the cold just hinders my ability to type.

Ooh, Greece, Italy, or Iceland. Especially Iceland. That's on my bucket list, despite my aversion to planes. What about you?

And to be totally cliche: if you could have any super power, what would it be and why?

There’s never too much rambling, don’t worry. I hardly think there’s a fan club. Just some young people who mix up worlds. But it’s not been like that in quite a while. But I bet it’d pick up again if I wrote another SH.  In the past. The adults. Sometimes currently. But bonus of covid, I’ve been inside for nearly a year, so there’s no bullying now lol. But yeah, not a topic I like to go into. Or wouldn’t mind usually, but brain doesn’t wanna do it now.  Sorry for making you feel old! But we are! Sorta. Maybe we’re still very young. I’m surrounded by young people on Discord, so I always feel old quite quickly.  Oh my god. Little Foot’s mom. When I tell you I sobbed. I don’t think I was ever affected by Bambi, I don’t know why. Dumbo, though. Absolutely. Ugly crying is good, though. I’ve recently discovered I cannot get through watching Hamilton without ugly crying. Or movies where the dog dies. And yet I keep watching them.  I see Nellie Crain is from Haunting of Hill House. I cannot watch that show. I’ve tried. I think I got through one episode and it took me a week. I’m too scared.  Don’t worry I can always find the hard-hitting questions. I don’t live under a rock enough.  Hm. You know I’ve been thinking about the cottage and I think, I just want a cottage by the sea, a ton of books and a warm sweater and then I’m good. I’m just gonna breathe ocean air for a year and completely disappear from the grid. And after a year I’ll come back, see what the world is like and probably disappear for another year. I really, really want to breathe ocean air. I think I was born to be near the ocean/water. And I’m not.  All good countries to have on your bucket list. Don’t think I’ve been to any of those, except briefly passed through Italy once while sailing I think. But not entirely sure. I want to go to New Zealand and Australia one day. Or one of those Caribbean Islands where your vacation home is in the middle of the ocean and that’s all there is. I think I want not-forced-upon isolation lol.  Superpower. I think right now I would go for healing/regeneration. But that’s not a cool power. But needed, ha. I can’t really think of anything else. Super senses, I don’t need. Already got that. Is teleportation a power? Maybe speed then. I can’t pick.  But you know. If I could really pick. Time travel. Any day. How about you? And just because I’ve asked this question to several people today I should definitely ask you... Do you think the sun is in the sky or is the sun in the sky?

[cyancaddy]

Cleon hints in the novels

Before I read the novels by S. D. Perry, I was aware that Aeon was as canon as it gonna get for Capcom. In my opinion, the original RE2 offered nothing that could be interpreted as attraction between Claire and Leon...I still liked them together nonetheless. The obsession I have with Claire and Leon first started when I read the novels. 13 year old me was beyond ecstatic when there were actual hints towards a possible romantic relationship between Claire and Leon (which I thought was a 1000 % canon back then, it was Capcom approved after all). Since I now know the novels can be considered as very well written fanfiction, I came to the realization that Ms Perry probably shipped them too. So without further ado, I tried to collect all the Cleon hints from the novels... which are mostly from "Underworld" and "Code Veronica".

______

Underworld - Chapter One

David's thoughts

Rebecca was unloading clips and repacking the weapons, Leon and Claire sitting close together across from her, not talking. Those two were usually joined at the hip, and were still as tight as they'd been since David, John, and Rebecca had picked them up just outside of Raccoon less than a month earlier, dirty and damaged and reeling from their run-in with Umbrella. David didn't think there was a romantic connection there, at least not yet; it was more likely their shared nightmare. Nearly dying together could be quite a bonding experience. As far as David knew, Leon and Claire were the only survivors of the Raccoon disaster who knew about Umbrella's T-Virus spill.

_______

Underworld - Chapter Two

Leon's thoughts

And what about Leon Kennedy? He'd stumbled into the fight without a clue, a cop fresh out of the academy on his way to his first day at work - which just happened to be with the Raccoon PD. There was Ada, true - but he'd known her less than half a day, and she had been killed just after admitting to him that she was some kind of an agent, sent to steal a sample of an Umbrella virus.

So I lost a job, and a possible relationship with a woman I barely knew and couldn't trust. Of course Umbrella should be stopped... but do I belong here?

He'd decided to become a cop because he wanted to help people, but he'd always figured that meant keeping the peace - busting drunk drivers, breaking up bar fights, catching crooks. Never in his wildest dreams would he have figured on being caught up in an international conspiracy, cloak-and-dagger infiltration-type stuff against a giant company that made war monsters. It was crime on a much bigger scale than he felt he was ready for...... and is that the real reason, Officer Kennedy? At exactly that moment, Claire mumbled something from her light doze, nuzzling her head against his arm before falling silent and still again - and making Leon uncomfortably aware of another facet to his involvement with the ex-S.T.A.R.S. Claire.

Claire was... she was an incredible woman. In the days after their escape from Raccoon City, they'd talked a lot about what had happened, the experiences they'd had both separately and together. At the time, it had felt like an exchange of information, filling in blanks - she'd told him about her run-in with Chief Irons and the creature she'd called Mr. X, and he'd told her all about Ada and the terrible thing that had once been William Birkin. Between them, they'd been able to come up with a continuous story, with information that was important to the fugitive team. In retrospect, though, he could see that those long, rambling conversations had been essential for another reason entirely - they'd been a way to leach out the poison of what had happened to them, like talking out a bad dream. If he'd had to keep it all inside, he thought, he might have gone crazy. In any case, the feelings he had for her now were convoluted ones - warmth, connection, dependence, respect, others that he had no name for. And that scared him, because he'd never felt so strongly about anyone before and because he wasn't sure how much of it was real and how much was just some kind of a post-traumatic stress thing.

Face it, stop bullshitting yourself. What you're really afraid of is that you're only here because she is, and you don't like what that says about you.

Leon nodded inwardly, realizing that it was the truth, the real reason behind his uncertainty. He'd always believed that want was okay, but need? He didn't like the idea of being led around by some neurotic compulsion to be close to Claire Redfield.

And what if it isn't need? Maybe it's want, and you just don't know it yet...

He scowled at his own pathetic attempts at self-analysis, deciding that maybe it would be best just to stop worrying about it so much. Whatever the reason for becoming involved, he was involved - he could kick ass with the best of them and Umbrella deserved to have their ass kicked, big time. For now, he had to pee, and then he was going to eat something and do his best to catch some sleep. Leon gently moved out from beneath Claire's warm, heavy head, doing his best not to wake her up. He slid out into the aisle, glancing around at the others.

______

Underworld - Chapter Five

Claire's and Leon's conversation

"Cold?" Leon asked. Claire turned away from the window, looking at him. He'd finished with the packs, and was holding one out to her. She took it, nodding in response to his question. "Aren't you?" He shook his head, grinning. "Thermal underwear. Could have used these in Raccoon..."Claire smiled. "How could I have used them? I was running around in a pair of shorts, you at least had your uniform. "Which was covered with lizard guts before I was halfway through the sewers," he said, and she was glad to hear him at least try to joke about it.

______

Underworld - Chapter 5

Claire's thougts

Leon put his hand on Claire's shoulder. "You up for this?" he asked softly, and Claire smiled inwardly, thinking of how sweet he was; she'd been thinking of asking him the same thing. In the days since Raccoon, they'd gotten pretty close- and although she wasn't positive, she'd picked up on a few signals that suggested he wouldn't mind getting closer. She still wasn't sure if that was a good idea

and now's not the time to be deciding. The sooner we get this code book, the sooner we get to Europe. To Chris.

"As up as I'm gonna be," she said, and Leon nodded, and they climbed out into the freezing night to join the others.

______

Underworld - Epilogue

With David and John supporting young Rebecca, and Leon and Claire smiling at one another like lovers, the five weary soldiers trudged off the screen and out into the gently blossoming Utah morning.

---------------

Code Veronica- Chapter Four

Leon receives Claire's message from the island and tells Chris and Barry about it

Leon had turned out to be a half decent hacker, he was in the next room on the computer; he'd hardly slept since Claire's capture, most of his time spent trying to track Umbrella's recent movements.

With both their parents dead, he and Claire had developed a close relationship, and he thought he knew her pretty well; she was smart and tough and resourceful, always had been... but she was also a college student, for Christ's sake. Unlike the rest of them, she didn't have any formal combat training. He couldn't help thinking that she'd been lucky so far, and when it came to Umbrella, luck just wasn't enough.

"Chris, get in here!"

Leon, and it sounded urgent. Chris and Barry looked at each other, Chris seeing his own worry mirrored in Barry's face, and they both stood up. His heart in his throat, Chris hurriedly led the way down the hall to where Leon was working, feeling eager and afraid at once. The young cop was standing next to the computer, his expression unreadable. "She's alive," Leon said simply. Chris hadn't even been aware of how bad things had been for him until those two words. It was like his heart had suddenly been released after being gripped hi a vise for ten days, the sense of relief as physical as it was emotional, his skin flushing with it.

Alive, she's alive...Barry clapped him on the shoulder, laughing. "Of course she is, she's a Redfield."

Chris grinned, turned his attention back to Leon and felt his smile slipping at the cop's carefully neutral expression. There was something else. Before he could ask, Leon motioned at the screen, taking a deep breath. "They've got her on an island, Chris... and there's been an accident."

Chris was leaning over the computer in a single stride. He read the brief message twice, the reality of it slow to sink in.

Infection trouble approximately 37S, 12W following attack, perps unknown. No bad guys left, I think, but stuck at the moment. Watch your back, bro, they know the city if not the street. Will try to be home soon.

Chris stood up, silently locking gazes with Leon as Barry read the message. Leon smiled, but it looked forced. "You didn't see her in Raccoon," he said. "She knows how to handle herself, Chris. And she managed to get to a computer, right?" Barry straightened up, took his cue from Leon. "That means she's not locked down," he said seriously. "And if Umbrella's got its hands full with another viral spill, they're not going to be paying attention to anything else. The important thing is that she's alive."

Chris nodded absently, mind already working on what he would need for the trip. The coordinates she'd listed put her in an incredibly isolated spot, deep in the South Atlantic, but he had an old Air Force buddy who owed him, could jet him down to Buenos Aires, maybe Capetown; he could rent a boat from there, survival gear, rope, medkit, an assload of firepower... "I'm going with you," Barry said, accurately reading his expression. They'd been friends a long time. "Me, too," Leon said. Chris shook his head. "No, absolutely not." Both men started to protest, and Chris raised his voice, talking over them.

"You saw what she said, about Umbrella homing in on me, on us," he said firmly. "That means we have to relocate, maybe one of the estates outside the city - some-one has to stay here, wait for Rebecca's team to get back, and someone else needs to scout out a new base of operations. And don't forget, Jill will be here any day now."

Barry frowned, scratched at his beard, his mouth set in a thin, tight line. "I don't like it. Going in alone is a bad idea..." "We're at a crucial phase right now, and you know it," Chris said. "Somebody's got to mind the shop, Barry, and you're the man. You've got the experience, you know all the contacts." "Fine, but at least take the kid," Barry said, gesturing toward Leon. For once, Leon didn't protest the label, only nodded, drawing himself up, shoulders back and head high.

"If you won't do it for yourself, think about Claire,"Barry continued. "What happens to her if you get your - self killed? You need a backup, somebody to pick up the ball if you fumble."Chris shook his head, immovable. "You know better, Barry, this has to be as quiet as possible. Umbrella may have already sent in a cleanup crew. One person, in and out before anyone even realizes I'm there."

Barry was still frowning, but he didn't push it. Neither did Leon, although Chris could see that he was working up to it; the cop and Claire had obviously gotten pretty close.

"I'll bring her back," Chris said, softening his tone, looking at Leon. Leon hesitated, then nodded, high color burning in his cheeks, making Chris wonder exactly how close Leon and his sister had become.

Later. I can worry about his intentions if we make it back alive... when we make it back alive, he quickly amended. If was not an option. "It's settled, then,"

Chris said. "Leon, find me a good map of the area, geographical, political, everything, you never know what might help. Also post back to Claire, just in case she gets another chance to check for mes - sages - tell her I'm on my way. Barry, I want to be pack - ing major influence, but lightweight, something I can hike in without too much trouble, maybe a Glock... you're the expert, you decide."

Both men nodded, turned away to get started, and Chris closed his eyes for just a second, quickly offering up a silent prayer.

Please, please stay safe until I get there, Claire.

It wasn't much - but then, Chris had the feeling he would be praying a lot more in the long hours to come.

______

Code Veronica - Chapter nine

Steve and Claire on the plane to Antarctica, Steve’s thoughts

He looked down at her, at her tousled hair and long lashes, his heart pounding even though he was trying to relax. She moved again, shifting in her sleep, her head tilting back a little and her slightly parted lips were suddenly close enough for him to kiss, all he had to do was tip his face down a few inches, and he wanted to so bad that he actually started to do it, lowering his mouth toward hers... "Mmmm," she murmured, still totally asleep, and he stopped, pulling back, his heart beating even faster. He totally wanted to but not like that, not if she didn't want him to. He thought she did, but she'd also told him a little about her friend Leon, too, and he wasn't so sure that they were just friends. Feeling tortured, having her so close but not his, he was relieved when she rolled away from him a few seconds later.

[whiskey-dreams-and-lullabies]

The words scrawled on the paper in front of him blurred, his handwriting shaky, hastily written as his ears listened to the now familiar sounds outside. Grunts, groans, growls, fingers dragging along wood and glass. They knew he was in here, could smell him, his sweat, his blood, the sounds the walkie made, static bursts now and then,maybe even his desperation.

But he didn't care.

Not even a little bit.

The small cabin was isolated, and it was currently surrounded by the undead, at first only a few, but more and more drawn by the second. He hadn't checked in over an hour, but he could tell by the sound. Once fairly quiet, now maddening, a low roar as they fought to be the first in.

But, he didn't move from his seat at the old table. His pen kept moving rapidly as he wrote. Wrote everything. Thoughts. Fears. Resolutions. Resignations. Thoughts coming faster than he could write. Two pages full of the things he couldn't say, didn't dare speak out loud. Things no one would ever read, a manifest to be lost until some other lost soul stumbled across this place in the future. And even then, the words wouldn't make sense, the names within would mean nothing.

They may try to picture Judith or Carl, laugh at the name Jesus, assuming the author was some deranged religious nut, wonder about Negan. But, they wouldn't understand the desperation in his words, the hurt, the loss. After all, it wasn't written for them, or about them. It was written only for himself, in these moments, maybe his last moments on this earth. And he was oddly okay with that. At least he'd written it all down.

And with each word scrawled out, images flooded his mind's eye, memories, voices, the moments that made him, him.

Voices so vivid, his eyes lifted at times to search shadowy corners for the source, shaking his head before returning to his writing. Every few minutes, he brushed at the steady stream of blood that dripped into his eye from a head wound, ignoring completely the stitching that had torn in his side. Maybe he should be more worried about his injuries than the paper, but he wasn't. That was secondary. The pain an annoyance, but something he was used to. He wouldn't bleed to death here, the bullet wound hardly that serious after days with stitches, the head wound a long cut that would too heal. After all, head wounds bled the most. He hadn't passed out, and although touching it sent waves of pain through him, it wasn't fatal. He'd had worse. He'd survived worse.

But, he had to take a break, his fingers cramping up, wrist tired, eyes exhausted. Maybe curl up on the small for in the corner and get some sleep, or at least rest for a bit before continuing.

The sound the chair made as he shoved himself away from the table riled up the walkers outside, made them louder, more insistent on getting in. On feeding. His gun, his prized weapon that had been by his side for so long sat on the table, four bullets remaining, out of reach. Three to use on the undead, the last, as always, saved for himself. His axe laying out as well. Ignored much as the gun was.

Instead of laying down, he moved to the nearest window and looked out, meeting the dead eyes of a walker stationed there, rotted teeth clacking together as if he could taste Rick through the window. And, as had been happening all day, a loud voice in his mind, a baby voice. The ‘Daddy!’ that had him turning, half expecting to see Judith, eyes lit up, bright smile as she ran to him, blonde curls dancing across her shoulders. But of course she wasn't there, he was alone, well he had plenty of company, just not the kind you'd invite to Sunday brunch.

“What the fuck, Rick?”

The annoyance in that voice, how done he sounded. Rick turned, an empty room, but he answered quietly regardless.

“Stop glaring, asshole,” as if Negan could hear him. As if he was really standing here judging him like that for getting himself in this predicament in the middle of nowhere. “How much ya wanna bet I can make it out in one piece?”

He could easily imagine the look that would earn him, Negan wanting to forbid him from trying, but definitely knowing better than to say the word ‘'can't” around him. Could see him rolling his eyes, barely holding in the anger, reminding him, ‘'This is why I shot your dumbass’ once more. It almost brought a smile to his face.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah” he muttered quietly, the imaginary Negan crumbling away and giving form to Jesus who was by far much more judgemental than Negan and much more wordy about it.

“Always gotta play the hero. Stupid ass” with that look. That look Rick hated so much because it was full of disappointment, as if Rick had let him down, which he seemed to do a lot of to a lot of people.

Everyone expected so much from him.

Be the perfect father.

Raise her right.

Be the perfect leader who solved everyone's problems.

Fix it Rick, we have no food, no supplies, you're the leader, fix it! We need you. We're counting on you.

The perfect mediator.

The problem solver.

And of course, the perfect husband.

Stop pissing him off.

You're a failure, Rick.

Can't do anything right for anyone.

Fuck your pride.

The expectations were too much, people needed too much. He was one guy. One fucking guy who everyone depended on. All issues were his fault, every problem rested on his shoulders. “If only you'd..then this wouldn't have happened, Rick”

Story of his life. Pressures mounting, everyone placing him into a neat box where he was expected to stay.

His life was no longer his, belonged to other's, and he was simply the good little soldier.

“You're the leader Rick, it's your job to provide for these people.”

Which is how he'd come to be here in this god forsaken little cabin in the middle of nowhere. Alone and clearly outnumbered.

Because he was the leader.

It was his job. And no one could be bothered to help, everyone scared to make runs anymore, eyes looking anywhere but at him. No one giving a fuck. No one sitting at home worried about him even though he'd been gone for hours. Probably already written off as dead with a new leader being nominated as he paced. Fair though.

The chances of him leaving this cabin were slim to none.

So, he returned to writing. Wrote it all. The city, the farm, the prison, Terminus, the people, the friends, the foes, the kids, the triumphs and the heartbreak. Why leave anything out. Page after page after page until he reached the last one finally. One final blank page to be filled. One last memory.. He would leave nothing out. A final story.

A story that was both tragedy and comedy, heartbreaking and hopeful. A story that ended in one fateful decision, a single gunshot that would echo for decades in those that remembered. The aftermath leading him here, to this place, alone, writing his heart out. Destiny finally played out maybe, the only way their story could end. After all, they weren't meant to be, polar opposites, yet exactly alike. The extreme of both sides of the same coin. One cocky and over confident, the other broken and stubborn. How many ways could a story like theirs end?

Only with one dead. The other the victor in the little games they played. Drawn to each other for all the differences, the flaws. Each determined to be the better, to outdo the other, to prove they were in charge. Hatefully reminding the other how insignificant the other was, yet unable to go their separate ways. Tearing each other down to build themselves up, refusing to cave. Except for once. One night that for most would have changed everything, but for them only drove a deeper wedge.

Too many unresolved issues and the more he wrote, the more regrets he had. The list of things they'd done wrong only grew. And he wrote it all. Unbiased, harsh words leaving behind their truth, a truth they'd never acknowledge to anyone let alone themselves.

And finally, finally he was done. Papers spread all over the table, his legacy, his story through his eyes. He put them in a neat pile, these blood stained papers stacked neatly, ready and waiting for the next fool to stumble across this cabin in the future. Maybe someone someday would read them, would understand his words. Maybe they'd imagine the people contained within and would feel for them, feel their pain and their joy. He doubted it. But, he felt lighter, he'd gotten it all out and was no longer holding everything inside.

Now he was ready.

Injured and all, he was finally ready.

It was time to go home.

Standing, he stretched out aching muscles, loosening up before holstering his treasured gun, checking the rounds a final time before doing so. A slightly crooked grin grew as he readied himself, kneeling to tighten his boots, lifting his shirt to check his side.

Axe gripped tightly, the familiar weight oddly comforting, and last but not least, the walkie tucked safely away, turned off for the moment, silenced. He wouldn't need that right now, he could turn it on if he survived, and if he didn't, well, it wouldn't much matter anyway.

Drawing a slow breath, he headed for the door, a brazen move he knew, but a necessary one. He wasn't one to back down after all.

Holding the doorknob, he bowed his head sending a useless prayer to a God he didn't even believe in, it was more for himself anyway, then yanked the door open.

His eyes squinted in the bright sunlight, momentarily blinding him, leaving him vulnerable for a split second before focusing. A confident grin forming as he eyed the walking closing in from every direction, the smell nauseating, far more than he could fight, all eyes on him.

As he liked.

“Here we go” he murmured before stepping outside, the door pulled shut behind him, his legacy neatly waiting for the next chapter to be written.

#RickGrimesAU

[disanddatmedia]

I feel like loneliness will shorten my life span more than anything else.

I remember when I had friends that I could go out for drives with, blasting the mysic loud, talk about life, do stupid shit. I remember when I was able to hit up people and be like "hey wanna ride bikes stoned?" and it be a summer night, or "hey we should all go out for supper", or even "let's all go to (insert persons name) house and party/play board games/watch horror movies". I remember when if I was alone one night, it would feel like boredom, not what it is now for me, the norm of me being pulled deeper and deeper into the darkness of what is loneliness.

I also miss being in a healthy relationship, a relationship that you can be like "hey honey did you want to do something?" and it could be literally just the 2 of yous cuddling doing nothing, just happy to be around. I miss having that person that I feel so deeply connected to, falling asleep and waking up to a person you care so much and deeply about.

I feel like an outsider, the friends I have I feel like I'm just on the outside looking in, it's hard to make friends as an adult already but when you live in an area where you're an outsider to the norm , you look for the more outcast, weirder, and damaged people, but when you're an outsider to those groups as well, where do you go?

And here's the thing, sometimes I can logic my brain out of this, sometimes I can't, seems like it's happening more and more.

Depression, anxiety, trauma, nerodivergatiness, and poverty are just a recipe for loneliness. Funny however that things about me contradict itself. I work mostly alone, making absolute minimum (which in this case, it is not enough for survival), with this, the social spaces and activities are limited cause, well, money.

I do have some empathy for the men who experience loneliness, I do not approve of how some of these men behave and react and view the world because of it, no excuse for that, but being a man feeling isolation, it fucking sucks, and I talk about this because I am a lonely man, I don't hate people, I don't hate progressives (I am a progressive afterall), I don't hate feminism (I am one afterall), and so on. I am just lonely as hell, living in a capitalistic hellscape, stuck, and seeing less and less hope.

I'm scared to write about this online, I don't want to be attacked, or made fun of, or even dismissed. Loneliness is extremely horrible for mental health, I am trying, I am not going to stop trying to escape this loneliness, but it is so hard.

And all of this, is written on a day depression and loneliness day, which seems to be happening more, which I hate. I worry I'm annoying, or needy, or a bother, and so on, these are the thoughts of depression but it's hard to stop these thoughts.

This is just a ramble, a rant I wanted off my chest, as I lay alone in my room, on my bed, watching youtube, no really sure what the hell to do. Maybe Ill think of something, but with winter coming, this is going to be more limited.

If you read this, check in on your friends, this includes your male friends, as they are not as likely to express the true feelings they have, if you dont have something nice to say, all I ask is you don't say it here or to me, my mental health is kinda crap no gonna lie. Of you know me personally and didn't know this, know 3 things: 1) sorry you find out like this, 2) I didnt say anything to you probably because I didn't want to be a burden, 3) My physical health and safety is fine, nothing to worry about there.

I think I will figure it out, just wanted to vent about whats going on. Hopefully it makes sense

[birbs-in-space]

for anyone who mentioned difficulties reading an unspaced megachunk of text, i'll leave some summaries below the cut!

but i AM obsessed w/ the people reblogging this and just tagging their results without addressing the ~500 word results.

sorry about that length btw. definitely my fault and not connor's 😭

sam and dean:

you're trapped in a cycle of hurt, and it's hard to get out, but you're used to it, so maybe you don't WANT to. when you do try, you usually fail, and that's even more discouraging.

you're individualistic, but family (by blood or found, doesn't matter) is important to you because they're obligated to love you, and you need that because you feel like there's something unlovable about you. at the same time you feel guilty because you don't want to burden them, but you couldn't stand it if they left.

you're not tainted/a burden, you deserve to be loved, and staying stuck in this cycle is unsustainable. it'll be a lot of work to break out of it but it'll be worth it in the end.

dean and cas:

you want so much that it scares you, but you don't feel like you actually deserve anything so you refuse to actually take.

your life has been defined by you for others, but you'll never TRULY be the person they want you to be, at the same time breaking free of that mold feels dangerous because you could lose everything. you wonder if you were built for something softer (like love!). you deserve to be taken care of in turn.

you look up to and place too much weight on the opinions of those you respect/have power over you and you look to them to make sure you're on the "right" path. no one's infallible, though, so be careful

you put too much responsibility on yourself. take the time you need to relax and let yourself rely on others. you're not as unforgivable as you think you are

cas and sam:

you're a deeply curious person. you also probably don't fit in well with others, and that's fine, good even, most of the time, but it's still an isolating and lonely experience.

you wish you could see the world in black and white, but it's never quite that simple. you find yourself faced with a lot of tough moral decisions. sometimes getting stuck considering your options is easier than actually making decisions

you're a good person, and you put a lot of work into being kind, though it might not even feel voluntary because you do this in part because you feel like you have something to apologize for. you also worry that you might be overdoing it, or that you might somehow be hurting people in the process.

it's important to take a step back and put things into perspective and take the time you need to take care of yourself as well.

these are about 1/5th shorter so hopefully a little more consumable 😔 i tried to capture everything from the original, but I'm already not quite good at condensing things down gjfdiosjgif

OK! take this uquiz (by connor @transeurydice and me) to get assigned a tfw dynamic (dean & cas, sam & dean, cas & sam) and get psychoanalyzed for your efforts 💙