#dont mind me just tearing up for kashuu

[kowaindar0u]

(diary meme ehek) 13 Yuichi (either Nagasone, Kashuu or Saseki ehek), 7 Hachisuka! (@zantedeschia-praesul)

[ DEAR  DIARY          .    .    . ]

i'm a gemini you can't just give me 3 choices and expect me to pick hehe. so have them all !!!!!!! (really i just love doing these diaries so i'm taking all them i can get rrrrrraaaaaa)

13.     entry made featuring mention of (sender’s) muse. (Yuichi -> Nagasone)

Ohhh, dearest diary. You are going to feel so special, aren't you? Because you've known for so long about Nagasone and I, longer than perhaps anyone else-- except maybe Kashuu. Don't be getting jealous, though!

But... we've finally decided to let it be known by the rest of the honmaru, and... Well I think a lot of the men already had some kind of idea. Kogitsunemaru definitely knew, though he's gracious enough to wait until we were ready before he said anything (some very kind words, naturally). I think Murakumo got the hint simply for how much time he spends in my office some days. Hachisuka probably figured it out pretty quickly, though he hasn't said anything to me, and Nagasone hasn't mentioned anything from him. Urashima I think was somehow still unaware. Perhaps he's just too pure for this world.

"I don't know why I was so nervous about it." I know I say this all the time, but it never seems to stop being relevant. I was worried others would be unhappy about it, or that they might think I play favorites-- clearly this is different, right? Right.

Worst of all, the thought crossed my mind that... perhaps after it stopped being such a secret, Nagasone might lose interest, or look at me differently, or something. I don't have this worry anymore, but I can't stop thinking ABOUT the fact that I thought that might happen. I feel awful for even barely entertaining the thought. Nagasone had never given me any reason to believe that, and on the contrary, he only ever gives me hundreds more to KNOW for certain that it wouldn't happen. It's... amazing, really, how he can do so much to make me feel so good, and happy, and just... like everything's okay... But I still find a way to think there's a chance that I don't deserve it.

Nagasone would hate to hear that from me, I know it. And he doesn't deserve that, either.

Which is why I tell you, of course. But you probably could already guess that, huh.

Well... Whether I deserve it or not... I love him. So much. I'd be a goner without him.

So, diary, I hope you're happy for us too.

13.     entry made featuring mention of (sender’s) muse. (Yuichi -> Kashuu)

Dear Diary.

This still feels like some kind of fucked-up dream. But... up until now, through all of this... recovering, monitoring, assessing, training, learning, trying to come to terms with the fact that apparently magic and sword-men and time travel is all real... It's been like I'm just walking through it in a confused, numb daze. It didn't really matter. For all I knew, I could've been dead and this was my afterlife.

But... not anymore.

I summoned my first touken danshi. Kashuu Kiyomitsu, he's called. One of two trusty swords of Shinsengumi first unit captain, famed Okita Souji.

The summoning itself was... excruciating, but amazing. I don't know how I did it. But... I haven't FELT this much emotion, felt anything in this intensity but despair and loneliness in... I don't know when, or if I have.

Maybe I was scared. This whole Government thing is intimidating. Maybe I was just afraid that if I didn't give it my all, they'd... I dunno, kick me to whatever the afterlife equivalent of a curb is. Or send me to hell.

Maybe I just wanted it to be real so badly that I managed to tap into that... pathetic, desperate wish for a connection with someone, a friend, that I could have a chance not to isolate myself or squander it, and...

And he appeared. Kashuu Kiyomitsu.

I thought perhaps the fact I was crying might freak out a new person-- a literally NEW person, right? But it seems... there really is a connection between us. They told us this would be the case with the swords we summoned, but... I guess I couldn't believe it until I felt it myself.

I hugged Kashuu Kiyomitsu and... it just made everything real. Real, and scary, and overwhelming, but... if this is my second chance at life, I'm going to take it. As long as he's there with me... I think I'll be okay.

Kashuu Kiyomitsu... Thank you.

13.     entry made featuring mention of (sender’s) muse. (Yuichi -> Saseki)

Ah, diary...

I'm sitting at my desk... I should be working, but... I just can't help but stare at the magical painting Saseki gifted me, and think about him. I appreciate Nagisa a great deal, and of course owe my life to her and her men, but I don't know that I was in such a state of mind to have formed a bond with her. Not to mention there was a lot that she couldn't tell me, since the Government had yet to make a call on what to do with me.

But Saseki... what can I say? He's become one of my best friends, almost like a brother, perhaps. He's so insistent that he be able to protect me or help me if I'd ever need it, even after he's been through so much himself... I'm so grateful to him, and this honmaru is lucky to have such an ally, of course.

But letting my thoughts drift... one question my mind asked, I can't help but think about: "Where were you before, in my old life?"

I had ... friends, before. I guess. But I had such trouble trying to interact with them for some reason and opted to just... keep to myself. I didn't feel truly comfortable with anyone.

But... I don't know. I don't want to change where I am now. I would never give this up for even a moment, not over my dead body and then some. But I can't help but wonder, what IF I had known Saseki? Sometimes I think about this with my touken danshi as well, but it feels more of a fantasy that way, about maybe taking them around a modern city and whatnot. But with Saseki... he's a human. In theory, it's not impossible for us to have crossed paths, and ... I just think... maybe if we had...

No, no. This sounds like I'm blaming Saseki. It's not that. It's just... What I mean is... I'm just so grateful to have him. And I know now the impact one person can have on the trajectory of history in a given timeline. On the off chance I would have allowed myself to befriend him like this back then, or in a different timeline... maybe things wouldn't have been quite so unbearable. Maybe there's a version of me who had someone like him like I wished I had. And that's what's really got me right now.

[there's some smudges where seemingly a couple of drops were hastily brushed off the page]

Well. It's really neither here nor there, isn't it. What matters most is that we both got to where we are and are friends today, right? Right.

07.     entry made featuring an important moment in their life. (Hachisuka)

Dear Diary.

It was... a beautiful day. Well. It was... a fine enough day. Until the rain and winds picked up, and thunder crashed, rattling the doors and windows...

And HE appeared.

Nagasone 'Kotetsu'.

It may be unbecoming of me, but I'm seething. A counterfeit, a fake, an imitation, using something as prestigious as the Kotetsu name? Here, in my citadel? In my room? My master is testing me, truly.

He seems to not even be bothered by the fact that he bears a name that doesn't suit him, that he couldn't possibly live up to... right? He's just so... amicable, and seems quite happy to be here.

I told him: I may be obligated to share my room with you--for now. But know this. You are NOT a true Kotetsu, and you are NOT my brother. Do not expect me to treat you as such.

I don't know what I expected from him.

It's ridiculous, preposterous.

I...

It seems I lost my train of thought. No matter. I'm being called out for dispatch anyway. This isn't the last you'll hear on this regard, mark my word.