#you wont be able to afford my affection

[nururu]

What I feel when ppl give me gifts: like a little adventuring treasure hoarder that was able to secure another treasure

What I'm NOT feeling when ppl give me gifts: romantic affection.

[macroglossus]

being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED

[opal-owl-flight]

Quick lore question, did marie considering the idea of replacing 4 play into the insecurities she has later?

Absolutely.

I wanna preface this by saying one thing: Young 4 was a COMPLETELY different person before she got recruited by Marie. And Marie...responds to her accordingly.

Long read abt Hero2 events below!! Its. A lil messy sorry qisjke these are my notes

Young 4? A bitch.

Everything she ever wanted was given to her. Moved out of the highlands with an ego the size of a planet (and also bc she felt suffocated there), thinking she can make it in the big city.

...she struggled to make it alone. She had moved out bc her family was suffocating her with love, but now theyre not here, so now she feels homesick and underappreciated.

All that is expressed by her harsh, bitchy attitude. Shes gonna be mean bc no one has seen her for who she is. She'll show them!!

She finds her way around like this, and discovers that shes just as good at turf war here and at home. In fact, shes *so* good that she got the status of a rising star!

It aaalll just gets into her head. Shes "proven everyone wrong" now. Shes got the superiority complex and can back it up.

Marie...

...saw this. She was looking for a new agent to help find the missing zapfish. The second 4 heard this from her, she flexed her arms and...

"Look no further, your hero is RIGHT HERE!"

Marie at first adored the spunkiness of this new agent. Uuuntil 4 started thinking that shes better than her.

"Watch out, Agent Four!"

"You watch YOURSELF, grandma! Think Im a damn idiot to not see that coming? WAHA!"

Marie rolled up her sleeves after several stages full of her ignoring orders or sassing her out of nowhere.

Is that how shes gonna be? Fine.

When 4 finally trips and falls, hard, on a particularly difficult level, Marie pulls her to the side to fix her up and give her a lecture that tore her fucking ego to shreds.

She says something so fucking harsh like "That attitude will make SURE that you die sad and alone. I wonder how anyone puts up with you."

4s too hurt by her own failure to say anything back.

The reality of war finally gives her a reality check. Each victory is earned. its her life on the line. And the world.

She regains her spunk after saving the world.

------

Silly 4. She gets the job done but it takes a LOT of pushing in the mid-stages. Its like she got legitimately bored after the initial super easy ones, and thought the entire campaign a joke.

She went back to her turfing life topside between stages. And she takes a WHILE to come back to her missions -- usually late!! And then before she even goes in she just HAS to yak Marie's face off with what she was doing up there.

"Youre late."

"You shouldve SEEN ME, Marie!! I was carrying that Rainmaker round! I was-"

"Pray tell, Agent Four. How will you keep participating in turf with the Zapfish gone?"

"Whaat? Cmon. Nothing seems to be changing! Theres still power through the city!"

"The backup supply wont last forever, you know."

"Yeah yeah. Okay. Im here now. Wheres the next kettle?"

This attitude is from her high school days, clearly. She breezes by everything so fast that she can afford to do things last minute. It affects even this.

That, alongside her talking smack back to Marie, is what makes her snap at 4. Its what makes 4 stick to the mission fully starting late area 4 and area 5. (This is also around the time 4s life was threatened. God help me in those stupid platforming stages)

Post Hero2, 4 more or less does what 3 does. Shes the "replacement" til 3 comes back. (That cant be good for her confidence.)

At the same time, she has to deal with Callie and Marie talking out what the fuck Callie did with Octaria. "THEY SQUIDNAPPED GRAMPS!!!" and all. Why help them??? They get into squabbles where 4 was the unfortunate witness to. And peacemaker. It does NOT help that Callie for a while kept putting the glasses back on!!!

4 wishes so bad she had help of any sort. She feels 3 might be able to do something but what does she know?? Shes never met em!! She just imagines what the missing agent would do in that situation.

Callie...was also the person she got close to. Shes fun (unlike the stuck up Marie), shes empathic, she opened 4s eyes to the Octarian plight. It made her acceptance of 8 later much smoother.

Im not saying shes not close to Marie either, I bet they healed their relationship around this year too. Marie's sorry she tore 4s ego the way she did (even if deserved...). Marie's much more supportive of what 4s doing topside. Shes expressing her pride in the agent she found much more openly. (She brags abt her to Callie at times.)

The three of them heal together in that time. 4 sees them as older sisters Im p sure. Theyre both giving her tips for turfing and -- Marie even helps her with homework, HAH

And...while I say that 4 and Marie are in better terms, there are still days where Marie blows up on her. Lesser extent than before, but shes *worried* for her agent! (Its a similar plight 3 has.) In those times, its Callie who has her back. ("Hey! Its not like shes not trying!!" Callie understands how it is, and she also knows Marie best -- shes the one who makes 4 understand where Marie is coming from.)

[0ne-shot]

forget to ask this in my ask but headcannons of chaotix if you have any would you mind sharing them

ooooh okay! this is interesting uhh ive got a nice handful let me try and organize them

charmy, despite not being that bright in some important aspects lol, knows quite literally anything and everything about flowers and all their names and types and growing processes. he can observe two identical flowers with one having one less petal than the other and he'll assign them two totally different names and he'll be correct. it jarred both espio and vector at first but in a good way, and when silver wants to tend to his garden he always turns to charmy.

vector works as a dj as a side gig every saturday (since thats when the agency's like closed for then) and he's extremely good at it. the club on saturday nights gets sO much more full since thats when vector's on the gig.

whenever the chaotix are in a public setting where they need to speak privately together but speaking quietly wont work and they cant go anywhere else, they'll start speaking in japanese. when vector was still 16 he had to learn some basic japanese words and phrases to be able to communicate with espio and his understanding of the language got better overtime, until both him and espio were able to teach charmy some simple phrases too (he's working on writing in hiragana)

vector has lethally injured someone by biting them before. yes it was his only choice. yes it was because he was protecting his boys. you gotta use those sharp chompers at some point.

speaking of which, espio has accidentally killed someone before while in a case. this was before he was fully knowledgeable on non-killing blows with his weaponry.

the chaotix cant really afford food much and sometimes have to go through days with the fridge empty and nothing to eat. this is a bit troublesome for vector and espio, but they've already developed enough and mostly get through it without much health problems. its charmy who gets the most affected, since he's still developing his body and needs enough nutrients to have good health, (which sadly the chaotix cant always afford). this causes charmy to get really sick sometimes. the guilt of this is eating away at vector the most, but that doesnt mean its weighing down on espio too.

oh god that last one was really angsty uh

charmy, cream, ray and tails all have matching friendship bracelets that have the sonic heroes flight symbol on it :)

ok that last one wasnt reaaaally chaotix related but it passes i think

[strohller27]

Man. Last year was wild (memories and musings under the cut).

One memory from last year that I probably wont be over anytime soon is when I was working a retail popup on the waterfront for the cruise ship guests.

A bit of context: At this point of last year, I was painfully homeless and when I wasn’t spending $2200 a month airbnb-hopping, I was living out of a tent at a campground to save money. My access to showers and potable drinking water was iffy at best (the showers on the campground were $2 for five minutes, and the closest water spout that worked well enough to fill bottles with was the literal bathroom sink. I’m surprised the water didn’t make me sick. The water from there often left a really weird taste/cottony sensation in the back of my throat that took days to get rid of, unless I boiled it first, and that was *if* I had access to a power outlet and an electric kettle. Also one of the airbnbs I stayed at got the water shut off for almost 28 hours because the host wasn’t paying his goddamn bills. But that’s a story I tell elsewhere). I had no reliable access to refrigeration, whether I was at an airbnb or the campground, so everything I bought to eat had to be non-perishable. For a while there, I was skipping breakfast to save enough money to buy myself loaves of bread, peanut butter, protein bars, and ramen packets.

If I wanted a hot meal, the best thing I could get was Tim Horton’s (and when I did, I was mostly using a credit card). Sometimes the only reason I could afford to both eat and have a place to stay was because I had built up Tim’s rewards points.

Thank goodness it was still mostly summer and I wasn’t also freezing cold at night.

And then I had to go to work and there were so many customers at that waterfront popup telling me I should give them discounts because “Well, I’m broke, I spent all of my money on a cruise!”

Oh? Oh??? I’m so sorry, you poor, unfortunate little soul???? Does the poow wittle bwoke babykins need a wittle discount??

First off, friendo, you keep asking me if the price is in ‘american’ because you forgot that you’re in a literal different country right now. Second, you’re complaining to a minimum wage worker about how, ‘everything is so expensive here! Oh my god you have to pay that much in taxes? What do you mean I have to pay taxes on purchases, too’. You have main character syndrome and you have the absolute goddamned gall to think you deserve $300 off a $500 handmade, HAND EMBROIDERED woollen cape that you probably won’t even wear because you live in texas????

OH, YOU “““CAN’T AFFORD””” TO BUY THAT 30 DOLLAR SCARF BECAUSE YOU *CHECKS NOTES* HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO GO ON A LITERAL INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CRUISE, BETSY-ANN??

CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER.

But the one that gets me the worst was when a guy was there with his daughter. She was probably 12 or 13. And she wanted to buy a little Canadian flag to commemorate her visit. It was literally priced at. Two. Dollars. Ninety five. Cents.

And he said to her, “Oh, come on. What good is buying this going to do? Who is it supporting.”

I was so done by that point I literally raised my hand and yelled.

“ME IT WILL SUPPORT ME IT WILL HELP ME DO FUN LITTLE THINGS LIKE BUY GROCERIES. AND EAT.”

The daughter bought the flag.

I spent so much of last year worrying about where I was going to live. Worrying about how precarious my situation was. My mother was on the phone with me almost begging me to “come home”. To give up on my dreams because it was too hard. Several people suggested that, including my academic advisor. But I wasn’t going to let it go. I let spite get me here and goddamned if I wasn’t going to let spite keep me hanging on.

And now I’m living in a place that has mostly everything I need. I don’t have to crawl under a desk to get to my bed. I don’t have to ask for permission or worry about who it will affect when I want to do something nice for myself. I’m able to make my own decisions about my living space. I get to set my own schedule. I get to do things at my own pace. I get to eat what I want to eat (and my landlady keeps feeding me, too). Now that I’m not hemorrhaging funds, I’ve been able to save up some money. I’m regularly showering and brushing my teeth. I finally have the energy make my goddamned bed every day. I’m taking care of myself in ways that seemed insurmountable last year.

I’m not saying it’s perfect, and there are still things I have to address (like the weird numb spots on the tips of both my big toes that I noticed when I was still living at the campground; like staying on a consistent schedule with my medications; like taking too many hours at work because I’m worried about affording things). And I’m aware that I completely lucked out that I speak enough Russian to be able to understand my landlord/lady. But this is so much better than I could have hoped for.

And the rest of it wasn’t all bad either. Airbnb-hopping was expensive, but staying in different areas helped me learn the city. And now I’m working at a place that I don’t hate with a passion like I did when I was working food service in the states. I actually really like my coworkers (and funny enough, the small business I work for really does feel like a family). I get to wear my kilts to work. I have the necessary knowledge to be a perfect fit for the job, and I was apparently ‘an answer to a prayer’.

The misty mornings on the campground were more magical than any other mornings I’ve ever experienced in my life. I walked around the campground and saw its little lake beach and river. I made friends with the spiders. I named most of them. Every time I heard the squirrels and chipmunks get into an argument I would giggle to myself and think ‘the girls are fightinng!’ I drove to the beach, and I saw a little boy hold up a crab he’d found with the biggest smile on his face when he asked if I wanted to pet it. I felt an almost uncontrollable urge to pick up the seaweed and eat it. I met interesting people. I made some friends. I went to a famous lighthouse. I rode the ferry to work and watched massive cruise ships docking, feeling as much awe as I did when I first saw Star Trek: The Motion Picture. I watched the sun both rise and set over the harbour. And I fell in love with this place despite all of the challenges that were in my path.

Perfect or not, I needed this. I needed to be self-sufficient and live my own life. I needed to see beauty and wonder and touch sand that was on a beach instead of on my bedroom floor. And I’m so sad that the only two times in my life I’ve really been able to do things like this and live the life I want were when I left the US. And because of that, I’m really not planning on going back to live there.

Funny that I had to leave the “land of the free” to really feel/be free, eh? Whatever the case, now I’m a maritimer by choice.

Here’s to 2024. May I learn from all that 2023 taught me (If shit sucks, hit da bricks. Leave. Do it scared. Do it alone and scared. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Find beauty in the mundane. Advocate for yourself and your skills. Make decisions that will provide for your future so that you can take the steps you want to take, even if people think something like learning Russian isn’t going to be useful. Take those steps you want to take to follow your dreams, even if your dream seems flimsy like a cardboard façade to you. Even if those are the hardest steps you ever have to take. Today can be ‘someday’, if you let it. The greatest adventure is what lies ahead, today and tomorrow are yet to be said). May 2024 be a year for more steps forward than steps back.

[desrac]

From what ive gathered online its lookin like this weeks hot topic is Beyonce goin on tour and pricing her concert tickets starting at $500? Thats what the girls are ranting about correct? Now A Beyonce tour isn’t really where Im putting my business this week but whats on my mind is the audacity and ridiculousness of this situation. Everyone is posting memes and making comments about having to skip their rent to get their coins together to be able to afford a B ticket, which is just silly. The internet has been going on for weeks about not even being able to afford the price hike of eggs and she has the audacity to charge like four weeks salary for middle class. 

Yea yea I get it, the production value of a Beyonce tour just goes up every year and her shows get bigger and bigger she’s a performer and gives the theatrics but dam are you really telling me she cant find producers to fund her over the top ideas? Instead she is forcing the girls to give up their rent money, bussy, and legs to see her for a couple hours?

Now I have no interest in attending a Beyonce concert and her newest album don’t concern me but whats bothering me is that this affects the bigger picture that Ive been seeing lately in the art and commerce world. Big companies and top artists destroying and building unhealthy standards that then become requirements that independent artists are expected to meet. A Beyonce ticket being $500 is only going to show other artists that they should steal as much as they can from their ‘fans’. Beyonce makes an album referencing ballroom culture, house music, and the gurls, yet pricing the show at silly ass numbers that cant no one afford without fucking up their monthly expenses....Zoooming out back into the art world these clients and companies expecting us to produce dover street quality while paying us wal-mart prices. They expecting us to make pitches and decks with references, that they aren't looking to reference but instead expect you to make an exact copy of what you are ‘referencing’, instead of adding any originality to it. Ive been on so many jobs where Im in the production stage and the clients are complaining or insisting that this doesn't look like the reference......ok are you serious? Did you not hire me for my style and direction????? nooo, you've hired me to reproduce the same recycled bullshit that we have all been regurgitating for the last 5 years and will forget about 10 minutes after viewers have liked the post and moved right on. Stylists are pulling from these corporate designers and then expecting independent designers to also deliver to them in the same capacity and pay them nothing for their work. You want deliverables in like a three day turn around but wont provide the funds for a team that can hand those over. Make-up and hair are paying thousands of dollars out of pocket beyond their fee and acting like its normal because thats what they've been doing. 

And the gag is all these independent artists are still taking on these jobs in desperation for work just feeding the whale so that it can turn into a shark. Theres a lot of demanding going on with no hands coming the other way and its its bad business.

[caluski]

ive made myself hot chocolate wine. hot wine chocolate maybe. its mostly hot chocolate and some wine... i only added a little because i havent made hot wine in a long time now, i was worried id evaporate the alcohol and make it gross. but it turned out fine and its good, maybe next time ill make some with spices. maybe replace oat milk with some other one... i think cashew might be good, maybe if i spot it on sale somewhere. with cinnamon maybe, with slices of orange? orange matches both chocolate and wine, why wouldn't it work with both at the same time. i wish i could spend an hour or so in the kitchen, making different infusions that i could try with someone else. its always so much more fun to try new things with another person.

i dont really mind drinking alone, since i already usually do it while watching something or writing. but i do really really miss drinking coffee or tea with other people. i miss talking to people so very very much. i talk so much.. if one somehow hasnt figured it out yet from the absolute fucking abundance of long posts on my blog, but i really do love talking. my big problem is that i talk so much, that my hot drinks cool down before i get to take a sip or two. im really horrible at keeping that balance between being caught up with the conversation and drinking. although i never really have much to say, i keep repeating the stories ive already told a million times before, and i say silly stuff, and i complain about a lot of things, and i get sidetracked constantly. not really in like, adorable or quirky way, i can imagine it must be annoying for the other people in the conversation, especially when i get too excited and interrupt people and dont listen very well. i think its one of those things i wanna improve about myself.

yesterday, as i was walking home through the centre of the city, i was horribly in need of coffee, it was so cold and i was in a good mood, and i only had weak green tea that morning, and since it was still pretty early in the day, the cafes had some free spots. but i walked in, looked around, and walked out. its like everything reminds me of loneliness these days, and when i got inside, tables were all taken by couples or groups. i dont think it was a sign of anything, but it made me so awfully bitter. i know loneliness doesnt make me special, i know literally everyone experiences it to some degree, but god, it really hurts to look around and see that despite everything, people always have someone out there. a best friend, a significant other, family member, whatever.

theres that stupid thing everyone always repeats, "theres always someone out there who loves you, even if you dont know about it". i used to hold onto that desperately, but its so dumb. unrealistic and dumb. it makes you hope that maybe right now youre alone, but once you'll be at your rock bottom, SOMEONE will magically show up and say, i care for you, and i will be by your side to support you, or whatever. but then you hit the rock bottom and theres nothing, or better yet, someone you had hoped would stay with you suddenly says "i have anxiety and seasonal affective disorder, i cant be around you or ill get worse, too", and you dont want them to get worse because of you, of course you dont. theyre being reasonable, and you know that, and you cant do anything about it. even if you do guilt-trip them into staying, would that even really help, if they resented you for it secretly for the rest of their life.

a week ago or so ive walked into a cafe, as well, but i got so overwhelmed that i had to pretend to look around which tables are free, and left right away. just brought in mud and puddles, probably, since it was such a snowy day. i worry that one day ill be better, but i wont be able to step foot inside a cafe anymore, because it will remind me of nothing but the days when it was just me and self-loathing. not that i can really afford cafes anymore, but i cant think about that now. or worse, that ill never get better, and ill never get to experience it again, the presence of another person by my side, having coffee or tea or desserts, and talking and laughing and maybe even flirting. that thought makes me nauseous, but i know its likely. it kind of sounds like not much to wish for, but it feels almost too perfect to ever be possible - not only to have money for that in the first place, but also a person who cares for you enough to want to be around you, to want to talk to you or listen to you, a person who wont tell you "we can go out, but i have only an hour" and then leave after 20 minutes because it turns out in that hour was included their ride back home.

i keep thinking, one day ill find someone, one day i wont be lonely anymore and then ill let it all out of my system. but i know its silly, because by the time ill find someone, ill forget how to really be a person, how to have a conversation. i talk to myself a lot, in my head, but its not enough, it doesnt really feel like anything. i write a diary, i write short stories, i write posts on this stupid blog, but nothing feels like talking to another person, and its awful. my memory is far worse, i stutter more and more with each passing year, im being more and more awkward in such an uncomfortable and humiliating way, that it only makes my brain scream at me to shut up forever. i know why my family doesnt want to talk to me, im more unpleasant than ive ever been. i know its unfair to be blaming them for not wanting me around; they stopped asking about anything, recently, because i cant stop crying whenever they start the topic of job search. i cry too much these days. i had to stop showing up to my favorite grocery store, because theyve seen me too many times all wet-eyed. and i cant help it anymore! i know im still human, i know im not a victim, i know my suffering isnt greater than anyone else's. but something has changed and i cant imagine getting better, anymore. or at least going back to who i used to be. theres no hope anymore! and if theres no hope for me anymore, what do i do? "just surviving" isnt neutral, its horrible, its painful, its a nightmare. i dont want my life to look like this. i dont know what to do anymore. and ive said it a thousand times, i know, but its the only thing i have floating around in my useless empty head. i miss hope. i miss believing that i could still be happy, one day. and i know that was stupid, too, i can see it now, but at least it was something to hold onto.

i miss being around people. i miss it so much. i miss talking to people so horribly. i miss laughing and i miss being held. i dont need all this cortisol. i dont want to forget what it feels like to not be alone. but the more i want it, the more out of reach everything feels, the more unrealistic even the simplest things seem. i might as well be dreaming of living in alternate universe fanfiction.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: underage nude sharing, underage erotic roleplay, underage sexting, possible victim blaming, discussions of rape and molestation

hi! im seeking support, reassurance, and resources, mostly. but i also just want to get a few things off my chest. ever since i was seven i would engage in erotic roleplay often involving rape and non consensual scenarios with much older guys. i didn't really know what i was doing, i was a very hypersexual child for reasons unknown to me and i didnt have any outlet other than social media. for some reason i was obsessed with the idea of being raped and molested, i feel really ashamed about that still. i felt really gross after doing it but i kept going back anyway. when my parents found out they said it was my fault and that those men couldve gotten in trouble because i lied about my age and tricked them, which i still believe was wrong of me to do. but the violent and angry way my parents reacted really affected me and that whole situation really ruined my relationship with sex and my trust in my parents.

when i was 14 i willingly started sending nude pics of myself to older guys who asked. they knew how old i was and i never lied about that. i stopped after a few weeks because i started feeling physically ill from the shame. my parents never found out about the whole situation but that was around the time when i thought i could tell them about how traumatizing the whole "thing that happened when i was 7" was for me. they git angry and told me i had no right to claim it was csa of any kind and that it was a slap in the face to real victims. it really hurt me and i havent told them anything since.

its been a year since then and recently ive actually started sending those pics of myself again. im really ashamed over it and i dont know why i keep doing it. the guys are all aware of my age, so im not lying now either. i feel weird and embarrassed about it but i dont feel like i can actually call this sexual abuse or grooming because im doing this on my own accord. im scared to tell my friends because i dont want them to look at me differently. i cant tell my parents because i know how angry theyll get. i dont really know what i want. anyway, my ending question is: is this actually sexual abuse if i quite literally asked for it over and over? is there a name for it? im scared i wont ever be able to live a normal life.

thank you so much, sorry for this shitshow lol, and have a nice day ❤️

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please know that it takes a lot of strength and courage to not only endure these experiences, but to reach out and seek support.

It's worth self-reflecting on what you seek from these interactions, whether that's regaining a sense of control, seeking validation and praise, reenacting earlier trauma, or other reasons. Please know that none of what you experienced is your fault, and it wasn't right of your parents to blame you instead of the people that harmed you. That being said, you deserve to work towards choosing healthier alternatives to interacting with these men.

It's important to recognize that children cannot consent. Even if someone willingly puts themselves in a situation they know may be dangerous, that doesn't make them any less of a victim because either way they are still being abused and still deserve compassion, understanding, and patience. What happened still counts as SA. Experiencing these things as a child counts as CSA, and it happening over the internet qualifies it as NCCSA, or NCSA as an adult. Sending nudes of yourself as a minor counts as CSE, CSEM, and CSAM.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could best help you process your trauma, collaborate with you to develop some healthy coping mechanisms, and guide you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[coccyodynia]

things:

i went home the other weekend and didn’t steal any pills, as much as i thought about it, so thats kind of cool i guess

i got a very fun and cool tattoo yesterday, its a woman swinging an axe with that line i wrote a few years ago - “i swing and i dont miss”

i am seeing a The Plot In You tonight with justin

we’re planning on hanging out before the show too but the weather is gonna be shitty so who knows, he’ll probably flake out at this point

we’re also planning on going to chicago in a month but im concerned i wont be able to afford it idk. i just stashed away $250 for it but i wouldn’t be surprised if i had to dip into that before then

we’re on okay terms right now. its been a huge rollercoaster as usual but he still wants to keep me around in some type of way i guess bc he’ll respond or say shit like ‘i’m always here for you’

ive been dissociating a lot still but im practicing the skills to get a handle on it

ive officially stopped caring about anything at my job, i just dont give a fuck at all anymore

if i start caring again it will probably kill me, at least considering the rate we were going before 

i had a friend OD twice in the last week or so and im literally just bracing myself to lose another person to fent

its been almost a year without michael now and im still really heartbroken about

i can tell ive started letting my apartment/kitchen get bad again and it’s upsetting me but i feel paralyzed about it

one of my best friends is having a really tough time too and we keep messaging each other little check-ins even though neither of us have the capacity to really support or help the other person in any meaningful way

ive just been way too tapped out lately, and it has been affecting my health for quite awhile

my weight seems to be stable now or at least kinda, i lost 50 lbs and last week for the first time in awhile it didn’t go down when i got on the scale

my parents and grandma all made comments about how they can tell ive lost a lot of weight since i saw them last (6 weeks or so ago?)

my mom has been telling me “youre not eating enough calories” which i think gave me whiplash considering up until now my entire life shes been insistent that i eat too much

my financial situation is really about to get fucked up since im not teaching this summer, so i will lose that income for a few months ($800/month)

im pretty nervous they wont ask me back to teach in the fall bc the head of the department doesnt really like me

i got great evaluations from my students tho! at the end of the semester, two of my students asked if i would be comfortable with giving them a hug and i got emotional

i helped one of my students get into their first gallery show in NY and im just so fucking proud and excited for them

another student had made me a little embroidered camera patch for my bag 

im still very much thinking about applying to graduate/phd programs in the fall

there’s about 5 programs im interested in, but none of them are local so i’d have to move pretty far if i were accepted

im going to re-apply to university of denver for the MA emergent digital practices program

i applied to there in 2021 and was accepted but i wasn’t offered enough financial aid since i applied after the priority deadline so i’ll try it this fall and see what happens

im still dreaming about going to Brown for their digital writing/cross-disciplinary writing and art MFA but it's such a pipe dream

i also found a fascinating phd program at duke but they're not accepting applications this year?

i want to write and photograph more but by the end of the day i am so incredibly burnt out that it seems more like a chore than an outlet

i really wish there was a way for me to just quit my job and take some time off before going into another job

anyway therapy is back to once a week and sometimes 2x a week just depending on how well i handle things

my mom is still being the worst person ive ever met and im really trying to disconnect from her/the family as much as i can

she just spent $500 on a plane ticket so she can go spend a week with the guy she was engaged to in college

she sucks so much and i hate her 

anyway that’s all

[theblackqueen-ofmyheart]

Private healthcare helps no one but the people who are making the money and those people are surprisingly not good people.

It doesn’t add available nurses and doctors to hospitals. Aside from the ones that can actually afford to add more staff.

Those nurses and doctors aren’t going to see more patients or make more money because people wont be able to afford to go to the doctor

More people are going to die from preventable causes because they can’t afford a trip to the hospital.

I’m a diabetic. Your blood sugar will not be perfect as a diabetic. It’s basically impossible to always have it perfect when your body doesn’t regulate itself after all. And any little deviance from what your body needs can make your blood sugar sky rocket or sink like the mother fucking titanic. I’ve been rushed to the hospital for diabetic emergencies a few times in my life. If I didn’t live in a place with public health care I’d be dead….i would have been dead at 4 when I had my first seizure.

Anyone who supports private healthcare wants people to die. They support the preventable deaths of millions of people. A lot of them children. If you support privatized healthcare you support people in your family, your friends and loved ones dying of preventable causes. I want you to look them in the eye and tell them that you don’t give a single shit about them because “well it’ll never affect me. I have insurance. I have money” and then I hope you lose all your money and need an emergency trip to the hospital that you can’t take because now your insurance isn’t covering it and you have no money.

It’s basic compassion to be okay with paying a few extra dollars in taxes to make sure people can get the care they need. “I’m a good person” but you won’t help people who need it.

[ghostly-rantings]

hey i just wanted to say that "money cant buy happiness" is actually true (to a certain extent) because once your basic needs are met, more money wont make you any happier than that, theres a certain cap off where having more money wont affect your happiness levels whatsoever and that cap is having your basic needs met and that, specifically, is what this phrase is getting at in my opinion

once you can afford rent, food, healthcare, hygiene, etc., a jetski wont increase your overall happiness levels, neither will a huge house or a boat or a hundred million fancy cars because those things will lose their novelty over time. sure, going to the opera/game/broadway musical/whatever else every week sounds absolutely fantastic until you get used to it and now its just routine

the idea is that hoarding wealth wont make someone any happier by virtue of having money, but neither will spending it on a million treats and gadgets to play with until they get bored. the idea is that once youre able to survive, money can only buy you fleeting, temporary thrills, not love or genuine human connection and i think thats seriously important to consider since so many people have forgotten the actual meaning of it

"Money can't buy happiness" is a privileged statement which ignores the fact that food, safety, healthcare, hygiene, housing, and other things directly tied to happiness require money under capitalism.

[levi-supreme]

Levi's Valentine (Part 2/5)

Characters: Levi x fem!reader

Genre: Modern!au

Warnings: SFW, fluff. High school AU. Reader insert (y/n). Some drama involved. Some characters make cameo appearances. More pinning (?). Also some brewing of affection. One mention of a cartoon character.

Word count: 4.2k

A/N: Here's to Chapter Two! I love this chapter, it's my favourite. If you're a fan of shoujo manga or Taiwanese idol dramas like me, you will love this. Scratch that, as long as you love fluff, you will love this <3

Part Three will be posted on 28 February!

Read on AO3 here.

Levi’s Valentine master list | Frequently used terms | Part One | Part Three

[2009, December]

“Hey boys!” Hange shouted one morning, bringing a bunch of food brochures to Erwin’s desk where Mike and Levi were. Levi rolled his eyes and groaned, already knowing what Hange’s purpose was. It was only 8 am and Hange was too cheerful for everyone’s own good.

“Don’t ask me to decide. You know I wont,” Levi stood up and went back to his desk, uninterested in whatever that was going on. Erwin and Mike took the brochures and glanced through them. There were advertisements for a new ramen joint, a new café, an all-you-can-eat buffet, and even coupons for a pizzeria. Hange sighed at Levi’s retreating figure.

“Oh come on guys, we have to decide what to eat on Levi’s birth—hey! Y/n!” Hange gestured to you as you came into class. Bewildered, you walked over and greeted them. Hange shoved the brochures into your hand and told you to choose one. You glanced through all of them, still unsure of why Hange asked you to do this until Mike explained that it was Levi’s birthday on Christmas, and they had to make reservations early to avoid the Christmas crowd. Hange added saying the three of them had been celebrating Levi’s birthday every year since they knew each other in junior high school. You felt your cheeks heat up.

“W-wait, are you all inviting me to celebrate Levi’s birthday together?” You were surprised at the invitation. For some reason, you felt like you were an outsider intruding on a little family reunion. Furthermore, it didn’t seem like Levi was aware of them inviting you since he wasn’t here. On the other hand, you felt really honoured that the rest of them felt familiar enough with you to invite you to join them in something special and personal. You wondered how Levi would react when he found out you were joining in this year. Would he be glad? Or would he think otherwise?

“Yeah of course! The more the merrier. And trust me, Levi wouldn’t mind at all.” Hange patted your arm and answered you as though they could read your mind. Hange quickly urged you to decide on a place and the four of you were looking at all the brochures attentively. The ramen menu looked really good and the price was affordable too, but it would probably be very crowded and all of you won’t be able to sit together and have a good chat. The two guys mentioned that the new café would be a nice place to go after dinner and you agreed. Moving to the buffet menu, your thoughts were interrupted by someone outside the class.

“Y/n-chan~” You heard from outside the classroom door. Sighing, you pretended you didn’t hear Zeke calling you non-stop. Zeke started knocking on the classroom door loudly after a few seconds of silence.

“Oh god, what should I do?” You silently mouthed to the rest, eyes darting left and right.

“Just ignore him.” Erwin mumbled while Mike looked around. Zeke started knocking on the door again and calling your name out loud.

“Y/n-chan, are you free on Christmas?” You continued to ignore Zeke, a worried look on your face. People in class were starting to notice Zeke’s presence and whispers of ‘psst’ and ‘your boyfriend’s looking for you’ echoed around the class. You wanted Zeke to leave, but Hange told you to ignore him. “Yoohoo, my pretty y/n?” Zeke called out in the background and you groaned. Hange bumped your shoulder.

“Don’t worry, Levi’s ‘Anti-Zeke Radar’ will be activated soon.”

“Y/n~ let’s go on a Christmas date, shall we?” Zeke continued calling you a few more times and you were starting to get annoyed.

“No, Zeke, I have plans already.” You finally spoke up after a long while, hoping Zeke would leave you alone. You studied the buffet menu with Hange and complained how expensive it was, paying no attention to Zeke who was still standing outside. “Guys, should we have pizza instead?” You asked the rest, hearing their voices draining Zeke’s away.

“Aw, don’t lie to me, y/n-chan, I know it’s a lie!” Zeke chimed from outside once more. “Come on, don’t be shy and go out—”

“Fuck off, pale face, and stop disturbing y/n.” You looked up from the menu and saw Levi standing by the door, his voice full of malice. When did Levi get there? Zeke pretended to be offended.

“Don’t interrupt people when they’re talking, Levi, didn’t your mum—” Levi’s fist hit Zeke’s jaw before he could even continue his sentence and everything was just a chaotic mess. Levi and Zeke started throwing punches and kicks everywhere, tugging and pulling on one another’s uniform, the sound of fists hitting flesh and grimaces of pain everywhere. Some of the guys from Zeke’s class gathered outside your classroom door, and Erwin and Mike immediately jumped in to try and pull Levi away while Porco and Reiner ran towards Zeke and Levi, trying to separate them as well. A few of your classmates started cheering, some even telling Levi to “give Zeke a good one!”.

You were at a loss, shouting and trying to get everyone to stop before the teachers caught wind of the commotion and what was happening. You looked to Hange for help, but they just told you to remain in your seat. Mike was holding on tight to Levi’s arms against his back while Erwin managed to step in between Zeke and Levi.

“Guys, come on, stop this, before Homeroom begins.”

“The fucktart started it first.” Levi struggled against Mike’s grip, eyes sending daggers towards Zeke’s direction. Reiner helped Zeke up while Porco tried dragging Zeke back to their classroom. Zeke’s jaw was red and he had a nosebleed. He impatiently wiped the blood from his face and briefly swiped the dust off his uniform.

“Where are your manners, Levi? Oh I forgot, your mother died before—”

“FUCK YOU!” Levi screamed out loud and tried to dash towards Zeke like a wild canine while Mike continued to restrain Levi. Erwin quickly told Reiner and Porco to bring Zeke away. Mike only released his hold on Levi when he was sure Levi wouldn’t run out of the class to kick Zeke’s ass. You saw that Levi had a cut on the edge of his left eyebrow and his uniform sleeve had a tear. He stormed back to his seat without another word and you followed behind, your eyes filled with worry. Mike told you to leave Levi alone first, but you assured Mike that you would be fine and trotted behind him while Hange, Erwin, and Mike watched you.

Levi was still fuming mad when he went back to his seat, his mind full of hatred and rage. He hated seeing Zeke flirt with you even when you showed him zero interest. He wanted to rip the smirk out of Zeke’s face every time he tried to be cheeky with you. Levi didn’t know why he got so pissed off when he heard Zeke asking you out on Christmas. She’s a close friend, Levi convinced himself. I’m pissed because Zeke tried to flirt with my close friend. It wasn’t like you two had plans anyway. Or maybe, he secretly wished he could ask you along to celebrate his birthday with Erwin and the rest this year. Levi didn’t know why he wanted you to join them.

As Levi opened his water bottle to drink some water and slowly calmed down, he was starting to regret losing his temper and punching Zeke. How would you think of him now? Probably just some hot-tempered and violent uncouth jerk. Why was knowing your impression about him so important? She’s a friend, of course I care about what she thinks. Levi inwardly groaned and gulped down more water, rubbing his forehead. The cut on his eyebrow was starting to itch. Levi swore he didn’t have the intention to punch Zeke at all, but he lost his sanity the moment he talked about his mother. Everyone in school knew to never talk about his mother. But Zeke the asshole never failed to step on Levi’s tail. Rage started flooding Levi’s being again and he clenched his fists in anger.

You saw Levi gulping down water and you were contemplating if you should approach him. What if he wanted to be alone and found you annoying? You saw Levi wincing when he touched the cut on his eyebrow, and saw him clenching his fists again. You decided to forgo your worries.

“Hey, Levi, you okay?” You sheepishly asked, afraid you might be stepping over his boundaries. Levi was about to shout at whoever was talking to him but he closed his mouth when he heard your voice. Without him knowing, his fists relaxed and all the anger seemed to have drained out. Levi stared at you wordlessly, unsure of what to say. Was he okay? He didn’t know how to answer. He merely remained silent.

You continued staring at Levi sadly. Maybe he didn’t want your company. Maybe he wasn’t ready to talk. You returned back to your seat and saw Levi suddenly sitting upright, he opened his mouth and looked like he had something to say. You took out a small pouch from your bag.

“Your sleeve is torn. Do you want me to patch it back for you?” You asked Levi softly. Maybe you can help him feel better in other ways. “It’ll only take five minutes, before Homeroom begins.” You quickly added, looking at Levi hopefully. Levi stared at you for a while before nodding silently, unbuttoning his uniform top and passing it to you with shaky hands and his fingertips accidentally grazing past yours.

Fireworks erupted in your heart as you felt his fingertips touch yours. Warmth flowed through your body. You weren’t expecting him to say yes. You gave him a small smile and started patching up his sleeve. You bit your lip, occasionally stealing glances at Levi who was looking at you. Flowers bloomed in your chest, wondering why he was looking at you so intently. Levi had a dazed and almost woeful expression, and you badly wanted to know what was going through his mind.

Levi’s inner shirt was a little damp and sticking to his body, making you ponder about how his torso might look underneath. You accidentally pricked your finger with the needle when you imagined Levi topless and you jumped, immediately forcing yourself to focus on the task at hand and not how hot Levi would look. Focus, y/n, focus! No, not on Levi’s body, no! Bad girl! Focus on your sewing! You bit your lip again and concentrated on your task, not wanting to leave uneven stitch lines on his sleeve.

While you were sewing his sleeve, Levi couldn’t help but stare at you. You had a look of concentration on your face and you looked really adorable when you were biting your lip. Levi felt like he was stupefied, like he could watch you all day while you were doing your favourite things. The scene of you patching up his sleeve felt really familiar. It made him feel nostalgic all of a sudden, and it suddenly reminded him of his mother. Memories of his childhood started replaying in his mind. Levi used to get into fights all the time when he was younger, and his mother would always patch up his torn shirts while he watched her from the opposite side of the table.

I miss you, Mama… Levi felt a pang in his chest and his eyes started becoming watery. He quickly blinked those tears away, not wanting you or anyone to see his moment of weakness. He didn’t know why he suddenly thought of his mother. It’s been so long anyway, why did he suddenly miss her? Just then, you suddenly jumped and Levi jerked up as well, his thoughts interrupted and he wondered what happened. A few moments later, you returned the uniform top back to him. Levi’s fingers gently caressed the stitches on his sleeve. A sudden warmth bloomed in his chest and he found himself unable to meet your eye.

“T-thank you, y/n…” Levi muttered, hastily putting on his uniform top. Why was he feeling so bashful all of a sudden? What the fuck is wrong with me?

As you passed the uniform top back to Levi, you couldn’t help but notice that Levi had a blush forming on his face. You resisted the urge to giggle and continued looking at Levi. So cute, you told yourself as Levi thanked you. You quickly took out a bandaid from another pouch. Unfortunately, they were all pink and had Kuromi’s face on them. Ignoring the embarrassment Levi might face, you quickly took out some disposable antiseptic wipes and pulled your chair over to Levi’s desk. Levi jumped in surprise, not knowing why you were suddenly so close to him. He sucked in his breath and didn’t dare to move.

“Your cut’s nasty,” you casually said as you ripped open the antiseptic wipe and gently cleaned up Levi's cut. Levi winced when the antiseptic burned him, but he grit his teeth and stayed still. Your lips were parted and your breath was hot against Levi's skin. Your presence was suffocating yet he doesn't want you to go away. Your touch was featherlight as you cleaned up his cut. Your voice was like a nightingale singing when you unknowingly hummed while applying the bandaid on him. Levi felt giddy, like he hit his head hard.

Your flowery scent overpowered his mind, and in that moment it was as though time stood still and the both of you were the only two that existed in the world. Levi felt you blowing against his cut and he willed himself to not do anything stupid, like grabbing you out of nowhere and kissing you. He looked up at you while you pasted a bandaid over the cut and just then, your eyes briefly met. Levi felt like he was standing among a beautiful sea of flowers, and he didn’t want this feeling to go away.

You saw Levi wince when you were cleaning up the cut and you reminded yourself to be more gentle. You lightly blew on the cut, hoping it would dissipate some of the burn. Your favourite song suddenly came to mind and you started humming lightly, hoping to distract Levi from the burn he was feeling. You tore open the wrapper of the bandaid and placed it over his cut.

“There,” you let out a small giggle and Levi was brought back to Earth. Your eyes met for a brief moment and Levi held your gaze. The both of you wordlessly stared into each other’s eyes, and in that split second you didn’t know why you had a strong urge to lean forward a little and—

“Nice bandaid,” Mike sniggered as he returned with Hange. The both of you jumped at the sudden intrusion and you quickly scurried back to your seat like a mouse, clutching the edges of your skirt and feeling your heart stuck in your throat. Levi touched the bandaid on his eyebrow and wondered why did you and Mike laugh.

“What are you two laughing at?” Levi frowned, touching the bandaid. Hange tried to hold in their laughter as well. Before Mike could speak, Pixis Sensei came into the class and everyone quietened down. The class monitor got everyone to stand up.

“Good morning, Pixis Sensei.” The class called out in unison.

“All right, good morning class. Take a seat.” Pixis Sensei gestured for everyone to sit down.

“I will begin with attendance marking. Ackerman?”Pixis Sensei called out and looked for Levi sitting in the left corner at the back of the class. Levi raised his hand.

“Nice bandaid, Ackerman.” Pixis Sensei commented and the entire class started laughing. Levi turned as red as a bottle of tomato sauce and you felt bad. After all, it was your bandaid you stuck on him. Levi looked confused. He didn’t know what was so funny and why was everyone laughing at him. First you and Mike, followed by Hange. And now even Pixis Sensei made fun of him.

“Go wash your face, Ackerman.” Pixis Sensei continued, secretly hinting Levi to go to the washroom to have a look at his face. Levi stood up and dashed to the washroom while Pixis Sensei continued with the attendance marking.

“Y/n what did you do?” Hange turned around and whispered once Pixis Sensei called out their name ‘Zoe!’ and continued with the administrative briefing. “Levi was pissed off as hell just now but now he’s docile, like a cute little bunny.”

“I didn’t do anything though, we didn’t even talk,” you recalled, taking out your textbook. “I just helped him to sew up his torn sleeve and clean up his cut.” Hange’s eyes widened and they gawked at you.

“And Levi let you do that? ALL OF THAT? Without complaining?” Hange was awestruck. They couldn’t believe what they heard. You nodded after Hange’s sentence, unsure of the significance of your actions.

“Every time Levi got himself into shit, he would always tell us to fuck off and he doesn’t talk to us for the entire day. Especially if Zeke was the one who irked him.” Hange tilted their chair towards your desk, glancing to make sure Levi wasn’t back yet. “He would always shoo us away if we showed even the slightest bit of concern or wanting to comfort him.” Pixis Sensei left the classroom once he was done and the both of you saw Levi coming back.

“I can’t believe you managed to calm him down,” Hange quickly muttered as Levi returned, looking a little pink in the face. While Levi took his seat, he saw you talking to Hange and he quickly looked away, touching his face and hoping his cheeks weren’t hot.

Levi’s trip to the toilet earlier left him feeling more confused and conflicted than ever. When Pixis Sensei told him to wash his face, Levi could tell that Pixis Sensei didn’t know what he’s gotten himself into. And when Levi saw his own reflection in the mirror, he immediately knew why everyone was laughing. The pink Kuromi sticker stuck out against his skin like a sore thumb and it definitely didn’t suit him. He thought he looked stupid. Maybe that was why everyone was laughing. Yet, Levi was reluctant to peel the bandaid off.

He didn’t know why he let you sew his sleeve and let you come so close to him, even letting you clean his cut and paste this pink bandaid. If it were Erwin, Mike, or Hange, whom he has known longer, he would have told them to fuck off and leave him alone. Levi didn’t understand why he didn’t mind your company and your presence, he didn’t know why having you around him made him feel better. He didn’t know why he always felt a fuzzy warm feeling growing inside him whenever you were around. Levi didn’t like how he’s acting, he didn’t know what’s happening.

Do I…Like her? Levi splashed water on his cheeks. No. I like her as a friend. Levi reminded himself once more. I like her around because she’s a friend. She’s not like Erwin and the rest. Levi splashed water on his face once more and headed back to class.

As soon as the lunch bell rang, Erwin took his bento and joined the four of you at the opposite side of the class today. Today you had a cheese hamburg steak with rice and a side of vegetables. Hange was having some cha soba. Erwin’s lunchbox was packed with crispy tonkatsu and rice, and Mike had tempura. Levi stared blankly at his bento box.

“Aren’t you eating, Levi? Or are you in pain or something?” You looked at him, cutting a small piece of hamburg steak. “Uh, no, I-I’m—” Levi cut himself off and opened his bento box, looking at his saba fish and rice. The rest of you ate and talked about the classes earlier while Levi ate in complete silence. You gave Levi furtive glances and looked at your hamburg steak. Everyone was minding their own business until you cut half of your hamburg steak and placed it on Levi’s rice.

“Here,” you looked away quickly, eating a mouthful of rice to hide your embarrassment. Levi stared at you blankly, not knowing your intentions. “I-I can’t finish the entire thing and I don’t want to waste food so—” you took another mouthful of rice. Levi continued to look at you before turning his attention back to his saba fish. Wordlessly, Levi sliced half of the saba fish neatly before placing it in your bento box and he continued eating his rice with a pinkish tint on his cheeks.

You turned around to glance at Levi before chewing on your chopsticks, trying to hide the smile that threatened to appear on your face. The rest of you ate in comfortable silence. Once you all were done, you told the rest you were going to the washroom. Levi saw you standing up and immediately followed behind. Once the both of you left, Mike, Erwin, and Hange huddled their heads together.

“What the heck just happened?” Mike whispered to his other two friends, bewildered by Levi and your behaviour. “What’s with Levi and his dumbstruck expression?! What’s with him offering y/n food? He NEVER shares food!”

“Did you see him blushing when he was looking at y/n patch up his shirt with that lovesick look on his face?” Hange added in, finishing their bottle of sencha. Erwin shrugged.

“What I did see was the two of them behaving and acting like a shy high school couple in denial of each other’s feelings, like a scene from a shoujo manga.” Erwin hummed, looking at the ceiling. “How would you know anything about shoujo mangas?” Mike threw a dirty look at him and Erwin frowned.

“My nee-san has lots of them at home.”

The three of them sat in silence until they all looked at one another as though they had realised something.

“That idiot likes y/n!” Mike hit his forehead with his palm. Seeing Levi return, Erwin promptly walks to his desk while Hange and Mike pretend nothing ever happened.

While you left for the washroom, you didn’t notice Levi following you until you heard him call your name.

“H-hey, y/n,” you paused in your step, turning around to see Levi still looking a little pink in the face. “I, uh, I—”

“You’re welcome, Levi.” You flashed him another sweet smile before going inside the washroom. The Kuromi bandaid really looked out of place. It clashed with Levi and his beautiful features, but he still looked adorable.

Levi stood outside the washroom, unsure of how to react. He wasn’t envious of the fact that all of your lunches looked better than his; his circumstances just won’t allow him anything luxurious. Levi was used to it anyway. Levi just wasn’t expecting you to share your food with him, furthermore giving him so much of your hamburg steak, leaving you to eat plain rice with nothing else on the side. Levi saw the look you gave him and he knew that you were feeling some sort of pity for him, even though it wasn’t his first time having a simple lunch . Levi didn’t want your pity or your generosity. If Hange and the rest did this, he would have thrown his rice at them.

But why? Why did he allow you to show him concern? And why did he feel compelled to share his food with you as well? Levi never shared food. Levi hardly shared anything about himself to anyone. It took the rest nearly a year to break through his tough walls and make him befriend them. How are you making him do things against his norm and experience all these unusual feelings in just a matter of three months?

As you entered the washroom, you clutched your chest hard, feeling your heart thumping wildly against your ribcage. You were afraid Levi might be offended when you offered him your portion of food, because you didn’t see the rest doing the same. You were afraid that Levi thought you were pitying him, which wasn’t your intention at all. You didn’t expect Levi to return the favour and gave you half a portion of his own food too.

When Levi called out to you, you had a feeling he wanted to thank you, but he probably couldn’t say it out loud. Instead, you cheekily replied to him, hoping Levi got the hint that you were aware of what he was thinking. Was I flirting with Levi earlier? Is that flirting? What’s wrong with me? You questioned yourself, your heartbeat still erratic when you saw the look in Levi’s eyes. No, no. y/n. Stop it! Stop thinking about Levi that way. You quickly washed your hands and returned to class, pushing the thought of you possibly falling in love with Levi to the back of your head. Yet, when you saw Levi staring at you when you returned to your seat, those lingering feelings and thoughts crawled back to you again.

And we're done with the second chapter! I really loved this chapter, it just reminds me of a scene from a shoujo manga so much. Also, can you all imagine Levi with a pink Kuromi bandaid on him? Please he's going to look so freaking adorable 😭

Please feel free to leave your comments and feedback!! And as usual, thank you for reading <3

Tagging: @levi-lover @ack3rlady @hashaneeee @roralore @imkumichan @kristinecharmm @notgoodforlife @jean-prettyboy-kirschtein @sweet-assh0le @hannie2kay @ack3rlevi @levislovingwife @galactict3a @hauntedhousecat @sckerman @thesimpsstuff @ackermandick @greenfurret

Levi’s Valentine master list | Frequently used terms | Part One | Part Three

Levi Master List | Main Master List | Join the taglist

[possessedbyadisease]

The people who's deaths affected me greatly:

- Monty Oum: ive been a huge fan of his since watching Dead Fantasy. The way he animated fight scenes was so unique and exciting. And I loved watching his ddr videos. He was the reason I got to meet some online friends that i still consider to be close. People that loved the things that I loved, people that I could confide in about things that I normally couldn't my irl friends. When he died, it felt so surreal. I remember being in a college class, and not being able to concentrate. My friend, who had talked to him more often than I did, was even more so affected.

- my best friend from college: I remember asking her a question in a biology class, and that essentially put us on the path to becoming good friends. I was with her when she needed an oil change for her first car. Prior to her death, she was supposed to get married. My one regret was allowing my mental health at the time take over to the point I stopped hanging out with friends, including her. I wish I could have been with her for the last time.

- my maternal grandpa: I wont lie.....I wasn't as sad about my grandpa's death initially, but that's mostly because we had never met in person. Our first and last meeting was on Skype, when my family in the Philippines managed to come up with enough money to afford a computer and internet. The moment he saw my face, as well as my mom's, he cried. It had been 20 years since he last saw his daughter, and the first time seeing me. The thing that made me sad about his death was that we would never be able to meet in real life. I've always had.....complicated feelings towards my family (mostly on the paternal side) but with my maternal grandparents, even tho I never really got to grow up with them, I felt.....loved. and cherished by them. When I traveled to the PH for the first time, to view his grave, my maternal grandma treated me with such love and care, that I didn't know how to feel. She didn't judge me, nor looked down on me.....she made me food, and gave me a Lei of sampaguita. She made me feel special. She was like those grandmas you see on TV, who would bake you cookies and sing you a lullaby. I reckoned had my grandpa still lived, he would have done the same.

Chadwick Boseman: this was a death that affected many greatly. His portrayal of Black Panther was unique, and special. He was a strong and diligent leader, but also empathetic and kind. His performance at the end of Civil War, in particular, stuck with me; his speech about Vengeance towards Baron Zemo struck a cord with me.

I remember prior to his death being concerned at how skinny he had become in interviews. People would make fun of him and make jokes that he's doing drugs or something; not realizing he was very, very sick, and growing weaker as the days went by. The day he died, I didn't think I would be affected; but I was. I cried a lot for this man, who kept his illness a secret for so long from the public, just so he can take on a role that would mean so much to many people; especially little boys and girls of color. It hurts to see this man die so soon, someone who was looked up to by so many kids; kids who saw something in him that was also present within them.

Billy Kametz: prior to learning about Billy, I had already unknowingly heard his voice in many anime roles: Josuke, Naofumi, etc., but it was Ferdinand von Aegir in Fire Emblem: Three Houses where I first heard his name. He, alongside the entire voice cast of FE3H, brought a lot of joy and comfort to me during the three years of this pandemic. The game was the 1st game I bought with the last paycheck I got from my job before they laid me off. I spent days upon days playing and replaying that game. There were days when the uncertainty of real life would cause me great distress; but every time I heard the words "I am Ferdinand von Aegir!!" It would make me laugh out loud, and then, it would make me smile. In that moment, i was Ferdinand von Aegir; a noble knight on a horse, proud and strong, and I'd forget a little about how shitty the world has become.

When Billy announced his cancer not too long ago, I immediately thought back to Chadwick; I thought, "oh no. Not again. This can't be happening again." It doesn't help that it was the same type of cancer that took Chadwick. I was scared again. I didn't know these people personally, but i was afraid for him. Watching Billy's video talking about his diagnosis, seeing how skinny he had become in such a short span of months......this world is just too cruel.

Today, I learned on twitter that he passed away. I cried a lot, for a person I never met in person. I have a streamily print featuring Ferdinand and Hubert at tea time, autographed by both Billy and Robbie Daymond. I was hoping one day, once I own my own house with its own reception/living room, I would turn it into a tea or coffee room, and then I would hang that poster up, for all the guests to see. I still plan on doing that someday......but for now, I think I want to hang it up in my room, so that I can remember, that someone so talented and so loved by a wonderful community existed.

FYI, this post doesn't really have.....a specific purpose. With how today went, I just wanted to vent a little. Death is suppose to be a natural part of the circle of life, but it's also the one that hurts most. Once someone is gone, they're gone for good. No more text messages, no more impromptu trips to In-N-Out with them.......family gatherings have an empty void where they once stood. The squeaky toy your favorite pet used to play with, is still stuck under the shed, gathering dust, and cobwebs, and dissolving from the weather. Movies, and shows don't feel, or sound, the same. Weddings, birthday parties, graduations suddenly become a memorial.

Admittedly, it gets better with time; but there will always be moments in our lives, where a memory, or an image of someone we love appears in our minds, and we can't help but break down and cry, even years later. Despite all that, we're forced to wipe our tears and keep moving forward, as best as we can; if not for our sake, then for the people we still have in this world, as well as for the sake of the loved ones we lost, who would have wanted us to keep going.

I don't know how best to end this post except: please, hold your loved ones close.

[wizard-of-weed]

4 your birthday…. do u have any high wizard thoughts abt your upcoming wizard game you’d like to infodump?

additional high wizard tip: i’ve found talking about my creative projects while weeding out to be helpful in getting my ideas down concrete instead of them being nebulous wisps in my brain like usual. also if you’re too zooted to type em i recommend voice memos. i have prolly a few hours of high time voice memos of my thots

oh absolutely. i have so many ideas. it's going to be like a modern day fantasy world, and you have a familiar that follows you around and just chills. super duper queer, with like alchemy and potion brewing and farming the ingredients for those things. There's also going to be a town with lots of colorful residents, of many different fantasy races, such as a big snake lady :3

there's tons of animals I want to be able to farm, in a coop(chickens, pigeons, ducks, dragons), Small hutch (rabbits, guinea pigs, rats, ferrets) and Barn (goats, sheep, cows, yaks) as well as some other fantasy animals maybe, i just cant think of more rn.

I want the town to have a community garden, and a community center where fun things happen! as well as an open market where everyone has stalls, and you can sell goods you produce on your farm, potions, whatever. you can also just sell in a sellbox but handmade things sell for more at market and you gain friendship by selling things to people. you probably don't have to man the stand just like put stuff there. if its a good luck day, someone might leave a tip. bad luck wont affect prices or anything maybe just the amount that sells.

luck will also affect the mine, which will be random portals to random mine levels, so if you get super lucky in the beginning, you could get later game resources for harder crafting recipes/etc. you can also climb down the mine one floor at a time, but that will be less rewarding I think, and be like slower progression overall until you can afford to unlock the elevator to them

i have sooo many ideas for townsfolk and their storylines that im not going to get into it more lol this is already long af

I do generally write my ideas down when im high! my draft zero is always stream of consciousness brainstorming, and my process definitely works for me lol.

[twinkdrama]

look i get what you‘re saying but simply not paying for streaming services doesnt get rid of the problem. at least not fully

and people can literally complain AND boycott something / stop doing something and actually complaining probably will at least create some shared outrage that can always be turned into action so instead of …. complaining about complaining make your own post to advocate about boycotting streaming services?

personally i have never paid netflix anything. ive never paid for any streaming services. (and even if i wanted to i would not be able to afford it)

i do think disliking where creators are taking a show is not related to this at all because my problem is one with capitalism not one where i think a show is simply "not good".

i am mad that actors, writers, creators are not given acceptable working conditions. i am mad that they are being exploited and disposed. i am mad that capitalism makes exploitation so easy and that even if you try it is almost impossible not to participate in this. you could cancel all your streaming services and it could still affect you because exploitation will happen anywhere. and if you go on and stream these shows for free they will get cancelled anyways. if netflix goes bankrupt five new streaming services will pop up. if streaming services will be done for something new will replace it. and it surely wont get better

whats our option? lose the tv show / series industry alltogether? that cant be an option. i am mad at the system and i will not stop complaining tbh

fuck streaming services for cancelling all shows dear to me and ruining everything for everyone. fuck netflix especially

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Pooh Bear

Masterlist

Kal has a crush on his new babysitter and after watching her closely Henry has to now all he has to do is ask her out...Simple right?

Warnings: Swearing, Fluff, Slight Angst

Request: That’s so great! I was thinking maybe one where introvert chubby reader looks after Kal on set, when Henry’s filming. She and Kal become great friends, are always together, they cuddle, play, and nap together, etc. Henry might’ve secretly snapped a few pics of them. He’s happy that there’s someone else taking good care of his bestie.  Kal loves Henry but misses the reader when they’re back home. When they return to set, he expects her to be there for Kal but turns out she’s not working out there anymore. They thought her to be redundant and too much of a loner. This affects her because she always feels more happy around animals as she always wanted a dog but never really could afford it. Sorry for the stupidly long request…              

A/N: okay I did switch things up a little but i hope you still like it! And just so people know in england (or at least the south) 'A Salt' is another ways of saying someone is fit...basically saying he is a tasty looking man that you'd lick. And a 'nonce' is another term for idiot. Taglist: @being-worthy​ @two-unbeatable-beaters​ @thatgirly81​ @angelofthorrr @iloveyouyen​ @sofiebstar​ @thefangirlsblog​ @thatdamncutegirl

You smiled as your charge ran around happily with the kong toy pouncing and shaking his head the rubber dome slipped from his mouth and bounced unpredictably across the floor. It was a kong original that was a rubber 'bee hive' shape hollow and stuffed  full of one of those ham and cheese sandwich paste. He seemed to love it as he darted around happily pinning it every now and then trying to fish out the treat. You loved this job! It was incredible you literally got paid to snuggle walk play and snuggle with the sweetest dog you have ever met in your life...His owner wasn't to bad either...well now at least. You sighed crossing your ankles and fanned yourself at the thought of the bears dad...A bear of a man himself, or wolf should you say. Was stunning he was a salt... Definitely a salt. You watched again as Kal frantically chased the kong as it rolled out of his paws. You were the proud baby sitter of Kal Cavill probably the sweetest Akita anyone would ever find. Currently on set watching the pup bounce about trying to paw at the pesky kong flipping and rolling away threw the scatty motions. "Wow Kal-ee-bear that's some shit paw eye coordination baby boy..." you giggled as he snorted still patting at the rubber and moved laying down against your legs stuffing his snout at the wide opening still trying to devour the snack of cheese spread. you tried giving him snack enrichment each day to calm him down before delivering him back to his dad. "Oh I'm sooo sorry your majesty~" you jumped as Henry came up behind you. "And what has his royal highness up to today I wonder?" He crossed his arms across his chest. you flushed flinching and clamming up at him as he stood to the side of you both with a grin. You waved to Kal who was gruffing at the kong growing more irritated when he had to work for his treat. "He er.. Is huffy over the kong....He couldn’t catch it and now he has, he has to work for his cheese" Henry laughed out loud at that plopping down beside you. You flushed, you admit at first things had been rocky between you and Henry. But now he seemed to hover a lot more he wont just come and whisk Kal away at the end of his scenes he'd stay and try to chat...He for some reason wanted to get to know you. You'd been confused unsure what to make of the hunk trying to get to know you. You’d been frightened and withdrawn but he didn’t give up he spent a lot of time just sitting with you talking about his day. He didn't seem to mind you were quiet in fact he seemed to like having someone to listen to him. You sighed wistfully realizing you'd let your shyness let this chance pass you by. You'd had so many chances to talk to him properly to admit your feelings to him but you hadn't your shy personality pulled you back. Today was your final day here sitting with Kal and you were devastated you'd come to have feelings for the big bear...and his owner more then you should have...More than you cared to admit. It was silly but you'd harbored a crush on the man and for a few months and had been debating on how to show but it was hard for someone like you...To introverted for your own good...Not that you'd ever be able to open up much to people. Animals on the other hand were completely different ,you preferred animals to people and you think Henry could tell but he was stubborn ,but then he had been stubborn since day one.

When you'd first met he was worried you didn't have the strength to look after or control such a big dog...Kal was small for an Akita but he was by no means weak, he has had Henry over a few times in the past which is not to be laughed at. You remembered it well the first time he saw you he'd be the first to admit he was a bit of an ass...Well he was a complete asshole to be honest. Your mind wandered to your first ever conversation with the man.

"So did you realize he's an Akita? He needs a lot of exercise and attention...I need someone who can keep up with him and handle him when in a boisterous mood...not someone he can run rings around and overpower" you squinted at him and grunted he seemed put out and very full of himself; something he’d later regret. You'd took a deep breath and smiled trying your best not to snap or cower...His scowl was intimidating. "Yes I do...Look if I can help calm down a scared shire and pull it to a halt, and hold still a bull by its horns for tagging I think I can handle a little Akita" he had grunted at you in disbelief crossing his arms and scoffed at you. "Oh really? You did all that?" You growled at him getting a bee in your bonnet his attitude was getting right up your nose now you didn't want to anger him but at the same time you needed this job it'd pay for your van and get you up and running. "I was training to be a country vet so yes I did all that anything else Mr Cavill? A resume? Certificates I have them with me..I even know canine cpr and how to remove ticks if you wanted to Know that to" he huffed and turned to the others present.

"Fine she will do but one incident and she's not watching him that’s final I don't let just anyone look after him" you smiled confidently but inside you were bricking it hoping you didn't come across as a nasty person you wasn't...You were just in a tricky spot and you needed money...You loved dogs they were going to be your new career so this was a perfect fit for you...No customers or people just you babysitting a big ass fluffy bear. That had been the only time you'd really clapped back at him and you were proud it was rare for you to stand up for yourself.

He'd gotten copies of all your documents you'd shown to prove you were capable...when he said he wouldn't trust just anyone with his four legged son, he meant it and you understood. You'd be the same with you own puppy, as much as you wanted one of your own finances were tight and once your business was open you wouldn't have much time spare for a pup of your own. Some of the others had rolled their eyes when they saw Henry hovering like a mother hen over you and Kal for the first week. They had complained to one another expressing that Kal was just a dog he would be fine. They just didn't understand. But as it turns out you had somehow passed his requirements and he had backed off trusting you to look after his son. You gathered that he checked you out fully and realized you had done all that you said, pulled out of veterinary school deciding the larger animals wasn't for you and were now focusing on grooming. And he had but that wasn't the whole reason he had been spying on you and Kal even when you didn't realize it.

It had started when he came to apologize. You'd never know but he felt like a dick and had come to apologize for his attitude but instead found himself floored watching from a short distance you were cuddling Kal smoothing his fur raking your fingers through it giggling and kissing him every so often pulling clumps of shedding fur out of him. "Oh my! baby boy look at all this? you'll be a stone lighter once all this is out talk about a crash diet....Wish I could drop a few dress sizes just by brushing my hair" that comment had hit Henry's chest with a dull cold thud. You were beautiful why would you say that about yourself? sure you were thicker...but thicker was better in his opinion he loved curves the idea of luscious soft curves filling his palms mad him swoon! He watched as you giggled wrestling Kal to his other side before repeating. He was surprised at how much he liked watching you play with him it was nice seeing Kal so relaxed and coddled. Henry sometimes felt guilty bringing Kal on set he couldn't give him much attention when he was working so that was where dog sitters come in someone o watch him and keep Kal occupied when Henry was working. "You'll feel so much better after this...I will bring my brushes out tomorrow and give you a good tidy up! you must be so hot love..." Henry laughed as the calm didn't last long at the word brush Kal got up excitedly pouncing and licking your face. You giggled loudly as he pushed you back standing over you yipping but you didn't throw him off instead wrapping your arms around him and rolled taking the Akita clean of his feet pinning the large dog to the floor and attacking him with tummy scratches and raspberries. Henry's heart melted it was nice to see someone playing with him properly no holds bar! rough housing with an Akita was no mean feet but you managed. It was then he leaned back watching you a small smile on his lips you took your job seriously and Henry was seeing a different side to you. He had definitely misjudged you he felt even more of an asshole now.

The final hurdle you jumped was when he saw Kal mouthing at your forearm playfully keeping the arm snug between his jaws and pulling trying to tug you back down as you tried to get up. Henry panicked heart stopping for a second as you hissed a little, people can perceive mouthing as biting. Before Henry could even think he moved a few steps forward readying to charge down and explain the behavior and pray you didn't take the incident further. But before he could take another step you had taken care of it and you didn't freak out like others would have in the jaws of a large dog. You simply calmed the situation down nicely and carefully with ear rubs making Kal release you and tilt his head trying to make you rub harder onto the ear. "You got such a big mouth Kal my love! mouthing like that huh? Just one overgrown puppy~" you finished by laughing and settling down onto the ground with him.Then pulled Kal to face you kissing his snout making him go all soppy again. Henry watched dumbstruck as you peeled back his lip and shook your head. "Lets had a look at your nashers...Oh? Whats this Pooh bear? look at those teeth! And they call your daddy a wolf huh? And your not brushing them are you my little fluff ball? hmm? well we will start that tomorrow~ oh yesh we will!...You like the sound of that huh? brush these pearly whites and make your breath smell all fresh! all it'll cost you is more kisses!! yesh it will baby boy! good bear such a good pooh bear!" Henry smoothed back the wig he was wearing heaving a deep sigh relaxing with a chuckle. Yeah that hadn't put you off at all now his dog had a fucking dentist to. Henry took a moment to calm down as he realized you'd known what you were doing. The fear for all dog owners was someone saying they were bit! but in that moment he was reassured you knew a lot more about dogs then your papers said ,you handled it very well. Kal had a habit of mouthing he always had since a puppy, sometimes he even falls asleep with one of Henry's hands in his mouth just holding it sometimes suckling like a tiny pup again...It was rare now but it happened almost using his hand or fingers like a like a toddler with a soother. But when he was excited he would mouth a little harder it was pack behavior but to anyone who didn't know they called it a bite. Kal seemed to like you and you handled him beautifully.

After that Henry had meant to back off but...He couldn't seeing how you'd got Kal wrapped around your little finger had intrigued him...He was a strong believer in dogs having that sixth sense for people they could sniff out the bad ones. Kal had fallen head over paws for you and each morning got in a little tizzy waiting for you to come pick him up prancing at the door as you got closer. Henry loved how much pride you took in looking after kal and how far you went you'd all but adopted the bear. Fuck you were only supposed to walk him and play with him a few hours a day but you groomed him, brushed his fur and teeth daily even clipped his claws and filed them you pampered the dog with massages after his runs new toys and enrichment treats then had long ass naps wrapped around him. You were a nanny, packmate, cook, dentist stylist, nail technician massuse and all round mother to Kal and the bear loved it lapping up the attention and what Henry believed to be genuine love. 

He still watched but now for a different reason he wasn't worried about kal...He watched you, it had only taken him three weeks to become completely besotted with you he wanted to spend as much time with you as he could. He loved everything about you, the way your laugh made kal go crazy and lather you with kisses how you'd roll around with him no qualms about getting dusty and smothered with fur and the way you played and snuggled kal like he was your own pup kissing him and giving him the love he needed. If he was honest he adored the way you'd gone about it. Most dog sitters just sat on their phones with kal on the lead beside them and walked him when once a day. You mothered him and spoiled him rotten. And Henry loved and loathed it...Why were you so comfortable with kal and not him? Sire hed been an ass at the start but you were all past that now...Henry wanted some of you attention now but you withdrew when he was there. It was maddening.

It was a week after he had seen you deal with Kals mouthing that you'd approached him he almost expected the worse thinking you were going to quit saying kal was to much but instead you'd asked if kal was allergic to anything. Henry to be honest was stumped, he'd never though of kal having allergies. He was concerned and began running all the worst scenarios in his head of what you'd noticed or what had happened. But you had shyly calmed him down saying you wanted to get Kal some treats and chews but didn't want to cause any medical issues. Henry can honestly say his heart had swelled at that. Henry in that moment had developed a full blown crush on you. He was floored that you'd take his bears welfare so seriously that you'd asked permission to give him treats. He had stuttered out that you could give him what ever that he didn't have any allergies and you'd grinned wide then began gushing over these strange yak milk chews you wanted to get him and a deer antler? Henry just smiled laughing as you forgot who and where you was getting yourself excited.

"Oh my god this is gonna be fun! I've never been able to get this stuff I don't have a dog but now with kal I can spoil him rotten thank you Henry!" And with that said nearly every day his boy came home with a new toy or treat. Henry found it cute especially when you'd given him a little yellow squeaky teddy, Henry didn't think it would last two mineuts normally kal ripped soft teddies to shreds but this one...For some reason wasn't chewed ever not even the eyes ,sure Kal would bite it on the squeaker normally early in the mornings to wake Henry up but it was a teddy he just carried around with him and slept on. He couldn't sleep with out it tucked under his chin!

As time went on you found yourself having small awkward conversations with Henry he seemed to just want you to open up, to talk to him and get along. You wanted to but it was hard for you he was this huge hot alpha witcher male and you were a small dumpy thing. You didn't want to get attached to him, didn't want your crush to get out of hand when you knew there was no chance...He'd never go for someone like you slowly your thought began getting darker and more upsetting luckily they disappeared when kal nudged you almost knocking you over as you retied your laces he was waiting for you to hurry up it was time for his daily walk/run. You soon found yourself jog running along the trail with kal as he created wanting to go faster you panted and grunted at him waving your arms around as he pulled nearly having you off your feet. "Kal! I can't go faster!!! I'm fat haven't you noticed?! fucking lard asses can't got faster we have like three gears!" he barked at you as if to argue you scoffed. "Yes I know your daddy goes faster but I cant!" again he barked and yipped at you eager to go sprinting "No! absolutely not! I'm not letting you off again...Remember the squirrel? You promised to come back young man! and you lied I nearly had a fucking heart attack!" he yipped again tapping the floor prancing a typical kal tantrum brewing. "Nu uh! you did this if you'd behaved and not ran off like a race horse then you'd be let off and be frolicking in the woods like a pooh bear! But no you were a nonce!" he stamped again and moved capturing the lead in his mouth and pulled starting a game of tug making you swear and quickly hold it with two hands and lean back as he started bouncing back growling playfully. "Kal you little shit stop! no no don't-KAL?!" you growled and dug your heels in pulling back as he growled now wagging his tail at the new game of tug. "Kal Cavill you stop being a little brat this instant! I mean it or no peanut butter!...Yes that got you attention didn't it?....Good boy, right now thanks to you little paddy we are going back now see? You play up and we go home....Just you wait until I tell your daddy how spoiled your acting." he whined and flopped down you dropped your jaw at him scratching your head. "Wait what? kal no stop it-really? your really are a sulky little shit sometimes pooh bear....Kal come on up" you moved pulling the lead but he didn't budge you cried out in frustration. Kal just smiled panting at you making you laugh despite your annoyance. "How can I not move you?! putting my weight in it you should at least budge! I how're you doing this?...." you moved and sat beside him and curled over him trying to pick him up but nope he was not going anywhere. you sighed and sat next to him out of breath. "Kal come on mate! cut me some slack...I'm not fit like your daddy and if you wont listen to your recall then I can't let you off..." you moved a hand digging your fingers int the fur massaging him then leaned down kissing his snout he moved sitting up seeing you were upset. "You know I wish I was...Fitter then maybe he'd look at me or-or I'd have the confidence to talk to him back but..Yeah men like him don't like us plus sizes...Oh don't look at me like that kal there's no hiding the fact I'm a fucking chunk!...No matter how much I like him it'd never happen..." you stood up and kal followed licking at your fingers by your side you smiled patting his head. "Lets get back...And I lied you can have your peanut butter I'm sorry I said you couldn't it was mean...But only if you keep that little crush thing quiet okay? Good boy!, you keep that secret for me bubby" he jumped up happily you had no doubt this dog understood every single word you said to him.

Henry had made it his mission to get one date by the end of filming...If only he wasn't this shy every time he tried you'd flush blinking up at him and he'd freeze forgetting his previous thoughts and just star mind going blank. And like a coward he'd stutter out a thank you for seeing to kal and run off tail between his legs. One time; the seventh time...But he wasn't counting, he came over psyching himself up. 'Just one date just say hey your good with kal and I think your really cute and want to take you out...Or just a basic lets have dinner' he nodded to himself and smiled fisting his hands by his side and took a few deep breaths steeling himself as he made his way to a small shaded area just off set and frowned...What was? was Kal laying on you?....He was! Henry snuck up behind you hearing the bear snort in his sleep and slowly stretch out one front leg across you before sighing loudly and relaxing again. You were laying flat on your back in the grass. from what Henry could tell Kal at one point had been next to you but had rolled over in his sleep tummy flat against your side head laying heavy on your soft tummy one paw stretched out over your waist, his back legs straddling your hip from the side.  Your hand was tucked in his mouth you were both sound asleep. Kal was hugging you and Henry couldn't help feeling a little jealous he wanted to do that...He wanted to hug you...He was being out done by his own dog...Henry smiled and took in the sight. He wanted to see this more often he really needed to ask you out ...He needed to get his ass in gear time was ticking. He moved quickly looking left and right before subtly snapping a few shots you'd be none the wiser to him having a new background on his phone. He quickly tucked his phone away and sat beside you leaning back on his hands and just admired the sight drawing his eyes over your form and flushed a bright red noting your top had rose resting just below your bust... kal had somehow nudged it up, Henry had to chuckle at the thought his pup was really putting the moves on you. If only Henry could be that brave. You moved groaning blinking you were hot...So hot what the fuck? had you fell asleep? Shit. You frowned feeling a weight on your tummy you flexed your fingers they were? What the fuck why are they warm....And wet your stomach was damp to....Eww!? What the hell- your being fucking finger sucked!?! confused you gasped and jolted tipping your head up. Fully alert and blinked a few times looking around then focused looking down and giggled. Kal was dead asleep passed out on your tummy somehow he had sucked your hand into his mouth and was trying to suckle on it like a tiny puppy. You smiled and sighed relieved that it was just a silly pooh bear and not some scary ass fuck tard moving your other hand up to stroke the sleeping pups head giggling when he twitched and snorted like a piggy and kicked a back leg out. "Oh my god that's so cute~" you jumped hearing a deep chuckle beside you and saw Henry sitting watching. Instantly you froze unsure what to do or say flushing and gulping trying to remain calm, sensing your discomfort he smiled kindly then nodded to kal. "Done it since he was a pup...Like a proper baby only ever done it with me before though think you may have become his new favorite human~" you flushed lightly and tried wriggling out from under Kal but stopped when he groaned and clamped down on the fingers in his mouth. You chuckled you were not moving anytime soon bot with out upsetting the bear, you shrugged to Henry who laughed quietly again shaking his head.

"I'm afraid you are now trapped here with me until the bear decides to let go~" you blinked flushing even more as his gaze bore into you. You looked back wanting to at least sit up a bit Henry was quick to intervene and shuffled closer sitting side on crossed legged and slipped the elevated knee below our head you flushed when he cleared his throat and his cheeks became pink.

"I...Err your-Its my dogs fault and I..." you blinked slowly and lowered your head to rest on the knee your. He smirked at you feeling proud f himself being able to pull this off somehow.

"I-I Henry if I get to heavy just say...Don't want to give you a dead leg or something...." he frowned a dark look his eyes going dark making you quiver slightly your insecurity rearing its ugly head a small voice telling you your crushing him. He placed a hand to your shoulder. "Your not heavy Honestly I don't even feel you there...It'd take around six of you before I'd even feel anything!" You flushed brightly but said nothing, he must just be saying that he was polite...To polite to tell you your fat. After a few minuets of silence and Henry berating himself he cleared his throat and motioned to Kal still snoring away, his voice lowering making your insides quiver. "Stolen my own pup I knew you'd be trouble~" you swallowed and smiled shyly up at him shaking your head at him with an impish grin. "N-no...He just likes me I think....He is a good boy you should be really proud of him the best boy I have ever looked after" Henry nodded thanking you then looked down at Kal still happily snoring. "And you the best babysitter he has had~ hands down I'm really impressed...I was wrong I never did apologize for being such an asshole when we met" You were all about loosing your mind trapped here under kal ,who would throw a fit if you moved him. "No no..I understand he is your special boy and a energetic little man I can understand the concern someone large and unfit showing up" he grunted and frowned moving the hair from your face making you squeak.

"Stop that! Your a beautiful full figured woman there's nothing wrong with that!.... and for the record it wasn't that at all that made me worry...Your small and I was afraid Kal would have you over and break a bone or something...Kal has he me over many times in the past....Either way I was wrong my worry is no excuse to be rude and I'm sorry" You flushed as Henry slowly eyed your form as he spoke, his blues glittering with something you'd never seen directed at you before but it was gone before you could decipher it. He watched unblinkingly at you finally you smiled and nodded to him breathing out a quick thank you, he grinned and moved a hand stroking kal patting his side softly. "But as for this boy goes I think he more then likes you...He has taken a shine to you...Think he has a crush~ not that I blame him as I said your a very lovely woman" you blinked smiling wider and somehow going a brighter red managed to slip your hand out of the bears jaws and wiped it on your tshirt using the moment to tug it back down. "You-you don't mean that I'm...Just ...Yeah" Henry frowned at you not liking the tone you used to speak about yourself. He went to argue further but grunted a little annoyed as Kal choose that moment to stir making you look away. You watched thankful for the bear giggling softly as the dog moved up off you stretching and yawning then blinked at his dad as if you say 'what?' you moved and kissed his head softly "Come on sleeping beauty time to go home I'm sure you can nap with your daddy when you get back" Henry chuckled as Kal huffed getting up and standing beside him. Henry wanted to linger, to ask you out to do something but any courage he had was gone the moment he had you laid in his lap...It was like a kid wanting something for so long and once he had it he didn't know what to do with it. He moved standing and held out his hand to help you up you froze  and gulped smiling nervously, as strong as he might be you'd have him over and it'd embarrass you to much. Last thing you wanted your crush to know is just how fucking heavy you were. But the man didn't give you much choice as he snatched your hand dragging you up and you were amazed he didn't even lean back or grunt nothing! just pulled you straight up off the floor like it was nothing and you swooned. Henry kicked himself for days over not correcting you. You were amazing and kind and funny and he'd do anything to go out on a date with you....Apart from over come his own bashfulness that is. he wanted to show you how pretty you were to him how much he'd grown to care for you just from watching you with kal but he chickened out yet again.

You smiled moving forward to Kal already getting tearful snuggling him tightly saying your good bye running your nose through his fur Henry's heart clenched when he saw you getting upset he just wanted to wrap you up in his arms and hug you tell you how he felt but no...It wasn't fair to spring his crush on you on the last day...He should have told you sooner, swept you off your feet taken you out wined and dined you. But he hadn't and now he had to say good bye without even giving it a try, the only constellation was that he'd ask for you back next season. He watched sorrowfully at your tears Kal licked them away and you kissed his snout. "Now you listen to me pooh bear you behave..you hear me you be a good boy for you daddy and stop chewing them claws! you have a lovely set of claws and your going to ruin them and get stinky breath if you carry on!" you quickly stood up and Henry pulled you in for a quick hug. "I-er...I'm...Th-thank you for being so good with him he hasn't been this taken care off well ever I don't think!" you smiled wiping at your eye going red your heart was crumbling as you took your last few moments with him. You’d failed to keep your feelings at bay and now you were going to pay dearly for it. "No-your to kind....You do a brilliant job...I-it was fun good luck with the press tour" the conversation came to a screeching halt as you both debated telling one another but in the end you didn't each to scared. You’d turned and left tears trailing down your face once out of sight you held your head in your hands and had a good old cry. You felt ridiculous miserable and very very sorry for yourself. But whats done is done...Or not done shall we say you left shortly after needing to be at home there was a litre tub of vanilla ice cream calling your name.

It wasn't until Henry got home he let it sink in he wasn't going to see you anymore. He broke down cursing and kicking out in a very uncharacteristic manner 'you were such a fucking coward! you should have told her'....He should have grown a back bone and asked you out but no...He held himself back yet again! over the next months he had stewed regrets piling, he replayed all the times he could of just asked you out, all the times when he had to admit his feelings the list got longer  each day. He missed you Kal missed you...The teddy you bought him was with him each time he slept no matter where Kal would wander off getting the teddy and used it as a pillow.

He'd sometimes just sit in his bed with it blinking at Henry, Kal wanted to know where you were he wanted to see you again. Sometimes he would bring it up to him and drop it nudging the stuffed bear to Henry with a sad look whining pitifully like 'wheres mama?' that is what Henry had ended up calling you...In a short few months you'd more of less become Kal's mother. You dotted on him and he you....It was Henry who fucked up! and boy did he feel guilty seeing Kal so upset he had even tried hiding the teddy a few times wanting his cheerful bear back but no that had been a big mistake Henry had left the room for a few moments and came back to a hell of a mess Kal ripping the place up looking for the toy almost panic. Henry had to give it back and since then hadn't got within three feet of it Kal guarded it with his life. Henry sighed he was angry at himself if he'd opened his mouth then you'd be here visiting at least! He could of tried could of build something with you but no Henry had been a coward. and he would not be making that same mistake again!  luckily filming was starting again next week so he would see you again! he'd been telling Kal that they were going to see you both again it was nice seeing Kal get all excited he had been depressed.

And that was why is was all the more heartbreaking when he got on set and you wasn't there. Henry was pissed, he had been gearing up getting himself ready to see you again but you wasn't here...Everyone he asked said they hadn't seen you then it finally came out that no one was hired for Kal this time. You were a victim of your own success, Kal had been so good last time that it was decided the money could be spent elsewhere. It broke his heart he wanted so desperately to see you to finally ask you out for Kal to cheer up they were both love struck and both heart broken and depressed. After a week Henry had finally stopped pushing to find you resigning himself to the fact he wasn't going to get his second chance and he just hopped Kal would snap out of it...He doubted it though Akitas were revered for their loyalty and intelligence Henry wouldn't forget so the likelihood of Kal forgetting was slim. he sat at the table sighing he was down everyone could tell neither Henry or Kal had the spring in their step they once had.

Everyone knew the change in the two was because you hadn't been there Joey, Anya and Freya were at a loss unsure how to make him feel better that is until Freya asked around the local village. She remembered Henry mentioning that you were saving up to be a dog groomer and she said something in passing about an Akita in need of a good brush in the local shop and bingo! The shop owner smiled and gushed over the new mobile groomers, a local lady who had just set up shop. The woman had rushed to the counter getting a business card and little leaflet. Freya wasn't sure how but she just knew it'd be Henry's bou. She was excited thanking the woman before rushing back to set.

Once on set Freya made her way right through it searching for a down trodden Henry. She was determined to help him out...And keep a secret at the same time, she wanted it to be a surprise. Finally she found him sitting at a covered table picking at his food Kal beside him resting his chin on the bench beside him.

"Henry? I have something that might cheer Kal up~" he looked to Freya with a confused look Joey and Anya frowned to noting the sly grin on her face. Henry placed his fork down wiping his hand and took a small purple business card and matching purple leaflet. He scowled reading it. Mama bears puppy spa?. He frowned looking up at Freya who smiled knowingly.

"I found it in the village shop window...Just trust me phone up, you can email to see? and the prices are reasonable...I think get them to come give Kal a quick once over might cheer him up having a little pamper" Henry sighed looking to the scruffy boy he was shedding again so maybe a wash cut and blow dry would help cheer him up...and stop him from waking up with fur in his mouth.

"Thanks...I think I might mobile one I take it?" Freya smirked nodding to him Henry was just to out of it to even

"Gets raving reviews...A local lady I think but seriously just treat him!" he smiled thanking her again deciding he might as well he had noticed Kal chewing his claws again but hadn't got the nail clippers with him and if they were going to come out here might as well get the works done. So that's what he did asked them to come out the next day as he had it off they booked as a last minuet. And that was where he now found himself sitting by the entrance of set waiting for a big purple mobile dog groomers. He was so engrossed in looking out for the van he didn't notice Freya Anya and Joey gathered a few feet behind him watching. Henry sighed petting Kal and wiping off the shedding fur letting it fall to the floor in tufts.

"God Kal you really do need this huh buddy? must be horrible going from silky daily brushed fur to now just once a week" He smiled rubbing Kal’s back dragging his fingers through the fur.

Henry frowned as suddenly Kal lifted his head sniffing then quicker then Henry could react he sprinted off across the makeshift car park Henry jumped up shouting for him but it was to late Kal was off the dog ignored him running around the corner and down the long track. Henry’s heart clenched and his blood ran cold as Kal disappeared out of sight then he heard it large truck skid to a stop Henry screamed Kal’s name tears already streaming fearing the worst as he rounded the corner  drawing attention as he sprinted as fast as his legs could carry him and almost collapsed in relief he was okay! Kal was okay he wasn't hit. He was pacing tail going ballistic and jumping whining excitedly yipping and barking loud and frantic scratching at the door barking and creating a huge fuss.

The door opened just as Henry skidded to a stop sliding on his knees in the gravel hugging Kal who wasn't interested in the slightest still trying to jump up at the woman? He looked up trying to see just what had made Kal pee with excitement. Henry froze as a familiar woman stood before him and quickly caught a jumping Kal and fell to the floor with him and Henry as Kal frantically tried to bombard her with kisses. She crouched down and held Kals face still forcing him to look her in the eyes. He couldn't believe what he was seeing until he heard her speak.

"YOU! JUST WHAT SO YOU THINK YOU WERE PLAYING AT!?!" your shout meant nothing to the pup as he was lunging at you wanting his kisses whining  beating Henry with his tail stayed behind the bear shaking like a leaf still in shock he petting him he needed to touch him after that scare.

"Henry!? Who was watching him?! I'll fucking kick there ass! fuck I'm so happy I saw him shit... Fuck! heads are gonna roll!" Henry tilted his head looking at you moving a hand to cup your cheek slowly.

"Y/n is-is that really you?" you smiled now calming down nodding to him

"Yeah...Hi Henry...I er-I take it Kal is my client for the day?" Henry nodded still refusing the release kal even though the dog wanted nothing to do with him as far a he was concered his mama was here and he wanted his cuddles.You smiled and stood up dusting yourself off then looked to the truck Kal wriggled out of Henry's grip jumping at you making you laugh ad pet him.

"Hey pooh bear I gotta move the truck first then we can have cuddles okay? Can you go with your daddy for a bit?" Henry stood shaking his head at you.

"No he wont he has missed you something chronic...He has been real depressed" you looked down to the dog and smiled opening the truck door and motioned for hims to climb in.

"Go on then one quick little ride then we can sort you out you little scruff bear...You getting in?" Henry nodded watching wincing as Kal clambered up into the truck then jumped in behind him controlling Kal a little as you drove up and parked off to the side then turned to face the still yipping pup.

"Okay okay bear calm down here you want cuddles?" at your open arms the dog dived at you still wagging his tail how it hadn't snapped off from hitting the hand break you don't know. "So pooh bear is my last minuet appointment? For the whole hog right?" Henry was stumped you...You were different still the same beautiful woman he hadn't stopped thinking about but you were more confident. you were happier and you glowed more if that was possible. Henry was flawed now was his chance...Why wasn't he speaking? why didn't he just say something? you looked at him a little confused. "Are you err...Are you okay Henry?" you asked slightly worried as Kal began to settle now that he had his mama back he placed his heavy head on your shoulder whining quietly in your ear. "I just... He needs a pamper...A professional pamper so... could you?" you smiled quickly nodding then quickly scratched Kals back kissing his cheek making him smile again. "Absolutely! make your boy nice and clean and fluffy and I even have a cute little dicky bow for the sweet boy~ Yesh I do  yesh I do my precious little pooh bear! you wanNa look all snazzy for you daddy? you coming in to? Can give you some pointers then you want have to splash out on it" it was then that something snapped in him and he stared at you licking his lips he began talking before he could even decide what to say. "...But what if I err...what if I wanted to splashout...It..Splashout on you?...And you know have you take care of him again...Have you stick around..." you frowned blinking he wanted you around? you'd assumed he had found someone better to look after the bear when you hadn't been called back. "You want me to stick around and look after Kal again?" he nodded blushing and running a hand through his hair he looked at you and swallowed.Fuck it Henry man up! just tell her!. "No! I...I want you to stick around and look after the both of us....Fuck that sounded clingy...W-What I meant is we both missed you...We have-Kal has been depressed...That fucking teddy! the bear you gave him he has been carrying it whining with it...Looking to me sulking he wanted me to find you again...I was such an ass i got him all excited to see you again and then you wasn't here he-we were both upset...A-and I want to see you...like see you" "You want me to...I don't understand...You don't want me to dogsit? Or you want me to dogsit again?" he sighed he was really ballsing this up. He tilted his head at you and moved to stroke Kals back calming himself down it was now or never Henry don’t let her escape again just Take the bull by the horns your meant to be a fucking witcher! superman and you cant even tell her you like her. he closed his eye and spoke with a low firm voice. "I want you here! I missed you and when I got home I was kicking myself....Y/n I have a- I was super excited to see you again but your not here and I...We need you...You were right Kal has a crush on you! A crush?...He's fucking in love with you and he was depressed without you! Missed you so much" you blinked looking from the dog to Henry "Kal...Loves me?" Henry nodded biting his bottom lip he sighed he could do this...He could do this just ask! just tell you. He smiled sweetly smoothing his hand over his face watching at you glanced at him weary. Then held up a hand then let it fall to his thigh. "Well yes very very much and he missed you terribly.... And he wants to spend time with you again and talk...Get to know you better and got out for walks, coffee ,maybe dinner? and I-I'm fucking this up shit..." you blinked gasping quietly l finally catching up with him you smiled shyly before speaking in a small voice. "Are...Are we still talking about Kal Henry?" you held your breath regretting the words as soon as they left your mouth maybe your hopes were to high? Were you reading to much into this?.   "No were not I..Please would-If you don't mind..And you don't have to! but I...Would you go out with me?...For Kal! He needs a woman around! he needs his Mama-NO NOT LIKE ERR SHIT FUCK!" you flushed blushing deep as Henry panicked covering his face embarrassed muttering trying to dig himself out of the hole he had dug. You giggled at him and smiled really embarrassed and moved to Kal peeking at him. Then spoke in a clear voice halting Henry's waffling. "Kal?~...Ha-have you been telling your daddy on me?~ you know when I told you I had a crush on him it was supposed to be a secret!" Henry snapped his head up to you blinking as if still taking in the information then a huge grin split across his face. "You have a crush on- fuck yes!" he leaned over to you before you could move he pressed Kals head out of the way and captured your lips you gasped making him smirk and quickly dart into your mouth. Henry smiled tilting his head you moaned l softly as he pressed you further back twisting his head suckling and thrusting back and forth trying to coax your tongue from your mouth. Then it was brought to an abrupt end as Kal lifted his head snout bumping into you chin snapping your jaw shut biting Henry's tongue. You quickly opened your mouth as he hissed and grunted jolting back with a laugh as almost immediately Kal gave him a look thag clearly said 'my mama' then began kissing your cheeks himself. Henry rolled his eyes poking out his tongue touching it with the pad of his finger checking for blood he smiled when there was none then spoke in a deep tone almost scolding to the pup snuggling into your neck hiding fro his dad.

"Kal....Son? You know your gonna have to share your Mama with me...I am your dad.."you chuckled leaning back looking to Henry as Kal continued to hide.

"Soo you..er you want to get lunch? Maybe after I sort out Kal?...He should have a nap after a good bath." Henry grinned wide nodding to you he was over the moon. "I'd love that! Maybe get a rerun of that kiss....Minus the jealous bear" you wriggled your eyebrows at him.

"Nah! Don’t have to wait that long! We can kiss when Kals safely leashed in the bath!" Kal suddenly pulled back wide eyed looking back and froth between you both making Henry laugh.

"Oh yes I forgot the bear doesn't like his baths" you giggled at him.

"Oh well you definitely need to be there with me...for moral support" he smiled wickedly before looking to Kal who was suddenly uncomfortable with the looks he was receiving. 

"Kal-e-bear time for a bath~" the dogs ears went down flat against his head as he sensed his parents were indeed going to wrestling him into a bath.