#you were the funniest motherfucker on the planet

[kal-everly]

Gideon is really gone, huh..

I thought she’d be able to talk to Harrow in her head forever..

Excuse me I need to go cry for ten hours

[2knightt]

CANT HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER!!! i’m utterly obsessed with the curtis brothers.

idk if u do this, but if u can, the curtis brothers with a reader who’s super down bad for them? they make it so clear, too. constantly doing everything for them, making food, buying snacks, just utterly everything. compliments, holding their hand religiously … yk.

୧ ׅ𖥔 ۫ you know i’m a fool for you. ⋄ 𓍯

…IN WHICH! you think the curtis brothers are the only men on the planet.

tags/warnings: swearing(on my end/once during dialogue.) reader being slightly overprotective or insane, mentions of reader getting hit on, mentions of reader leaving lip stick stains, me not knowing what to write for darry.

ೃauthor notes⁀➷ i’m using ny other accounts layout bc i can’t be bothered rn. also i’m here to feed y’all i’ve noticed the outsiders x reader tag is lowkey dry asl.

Ponyboy Curtis:

WOAH HE CAN’T HANDLE ALLAT😭

like actually. he is TWEAKING AT ALL TIMES! when you first like started complimenting him, showering him in kisses, giggling n’ shit—he thought it was a one time thing.

ponyboy just thought he’d have to thug that shit out once a week or something. he was, in-fact, pleasantly surprised when you continued to do it.

“you’re so-mwah-cute! i wish-mwah-i could-mwah-hold you forever!”

“y/n…😣”

he’s so flustered omfg like actually he’s beet red LMFAOOO. if you were to put your fingers to his forehead it’d be so hot. like ponyboy’s avoiding eye contact, his lips are tightened, etc.

if he were to stay the night at your place—you make him all types of food. like, food he’d never heard of. or food he’d dream about after eating bologna for a week,

“for me? …really?”

“mhm! c’mon, don’t let it get cold now.”

ponyboy is DIGGING RIGHT THE FUCK IN. okay he is SCARFING THAT DOWN. after he’d be a little embarrassed of how quickly he ate but like you just took it as a good thing.

thinks you’re the best cook ever tbh. gordan ramsey has nothing on you type levels.

going on a walk with him to go grocery shopping for the curtis house with your hands intertwined and letting ponyboy ramble about this annoying substitute he had!!! IT’S REAL!!! ALL OF IT!!!

“n’ then he tried to tell me my answer was wrong when i studied last night—I EVEN ASKED MY FRIENDS. so, i know it was right. i just think mr. johnson had a personal vendetta against me.”

“smh…i could do slash his tires if you’d like♡!”

“what”

“nothing.”

AWHHH PONYBOY FOLLOWING YOU AROUND THE STORE LIKE A LOST PUPPY BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO BUY LMFAO

he’d like holding your sleeve or the hem of your shirt as you walk around, looking more awkward above all else.

uwahh showering ponyboy in compliments late at night when it’s just the two of you, twirling his hair as you hold him closer!!!

“you’re hair is so pretty. it’s so soft…i dunno why you put grease in it. if i was you—i’d never let anyone touch it.”

“i don’t. i only let you.”

“…REALLY??🥰🥰😚😚”

ur friends are soooo sick of you talking about ponyboy LMFAOOOO like actually. every time you go, ‘omfg did i tell you guys, he-‘ they know to just let you mindlessly ramble.

“and then ponyboy read to me ‘til i fell asleep! he’s so sweet—i dunno how he’s real!”

“i dunno how you’re so whipped.”

“he must be the funniest motherfucker on the planet if y/n’s this obsessed.”

Sodapop Curtis

OHHH Y’ALL ARE AT A CONSTANT WAR TO SEE WHO’S GONNA BEAT THE OTHER AT BEING THE BETTER PARTNER LMFAOOO

HE’S usually the whipped one in the relationship…he felt both extremely lucky and threatened when you started attacking him with kisses…

“you’re so handsome. i’m just the luckiest person on earth—ain’t i?”

“…yeah…🤨”

“why’d you say it like that?😞”

“cause I’M the luckiest person on the earth…I’M supposed to be tellin’ you this…”

but as time goes on—he does take the loss and accepts you’re better at him. for now. it’s only a matter of seconds until sodapop thinks of something insane to show his love for you.

anyways! IMAGINE COOKING WITH HIM OHHHH NY GODDDDD /?:&$:&: he just mainly stands there and looks pretty as he asks what you’re doing but SHHH. HE’S MORAL SUPPORT.

“…what?”

“i’m chopping onions for the flavour, honey.”

“you don’t like onions, though?”

“i don’t like the crunch rather than the flavou—YOU REMEMBERED I DON’T LIKE ONIONS??☹️☹️”

“of course i would!”

gladly holds ur hand 24/7. i’m not kidding. you two are like super magnets. HEHEHE IMAGINE HIM DRIVING WITH ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL AND HIS OTHER HAND HOLDING YOURS!!/!2!

you do take him grocery shopping. only sometimes, though. he only buys junk food rather than actual food.

“can i get these? please?”

“you already have two bags of chips in the cart, soda.”

“okay..😣”

“SIGH…get them.”

“HURRAY!”

knows you can’t say no to him and that’s like the only time he uses it to his advantage.

soc’s do hit on you under the premise of ‘showing you how a real man is supposed to spoil a lady like you.’ HOWEVER, you look at them like they’re aliens.

“hey, baby. what’re you doin’ around here?”

“…EW.”

“???”

they’re shocked above all else as they see you turn away from them and quickly walk away without looking back. AND WOOO SODA IS SO PROUD.

Darry Curtis

the gang acts like you two are constantly fighting whenever you start to look at darry with that sparkle in your eyes.

“guys, PLEASE! YOU’RE BREAKING UP THE FAMILY! STOP ARGUING!”

“what the hell are you on about, soda?”

“you’re scaring pony!” “don’t bring me into this.”

“mind you’re own business, soda.”

AJDIEHJR DARRY HAVING A HAND AROUND YOUR WAIST AS YOU MUTTER SWEET NOTHINGS BETWEEN KISSINGS>>>

you two are a POWER COUPLE IN THE GROCERY STORE! EVEN IF YOU REFUSE TO LET HIM PAY AND HE GETS POUTTY! EVEN IF HE DOESN’T TAKE COMPLIMENTS WELL!

“y/n, please. these are for my house.”

“so?? my wallet was out first.”

“that doesn’t mean anything. baby, i’m telling you, i’m paying.”

“too late, i already handed the cashier the money.”

you cook and clean for the curtis’ to take something off of darry’s back out of the kindness in your heart and totally not because you want him to pay more attention to you!! NEVER!!

but you do enjoy the fact that darry has more time to sit down and pay attention to you! and darry really likes the extra time he has!!

“you didn’t have to.”

“yes i did! you’ve been so stressed out, it’s the least i could do for you.”

“you’re such a treat, y’know.”

“mh. only f’you.”

you FORCE him to hold your hand. sometimes he forgets that he’s supposed to hold your hand in public so do NOT BE AFRAID TO GRAB IT YOURSELF.

but once you do, darry is the last person to let go. maybe to wrap an arm around your hip—BUT THAT’S IT.

teehee leaving lipstick stains on his white t-shirt accidentally🫶🫶!! it’s all so real to me!! sure, darry’s a little annoyed but it’s okay! he can never be mad at you!

[skaruresonic]

idw sonic's nonsensical insistence that everyone wants to be good deep down is just stupid.

Everytime he tries asserting this dumb ideology it's with either people who joyfully choose to be evil everytime they have the option (eggman and the deadly six) or people who are literally incapable wanting or contemplating anything other than being evil (metal sonic and surge)

And the funniest part of all this? The one time idw Sonic DOES NOT preach about how everyone could have been good is when Starline dies. Starline the same guy who's biggest crime was an objectively smaller and less cruel version of Eggman's Metal Virus which corrupted/tormented every life form on the planet. According to IDW Sonic, Starline absolutely deserved death but Eggman who's objectively and frequently far worse is secretly a good guy.

This book should have never tried tackling themes of philosophy and free will. It is atrocious at handling the subject

Yeah.

In hindsight, it was rich of people to have spent all this time waxing poetic about how Sonic sees the good in everyone and omg do you want him to butcher his enemies, only to suddenly pull the "why are you feeling bad for Starline? he was a villain" card when it came to his death. Motherfuckers can't even be consistent on who deserves Sonic's compassion. Apparently he's just ~so merciful~ towards his enemies but he also picks and chooses, and it's like? Which is it? Sonic tells Surge he'd have been willing to give even Starline and Eggman a second chance, only to prove his words a bunch of hot air when he eulogizes Starline with "big oof." Because if he really believed that Starline was capable of becoming a better person, surely he'd have lamented the fact that Starline could now no longer change? Even if we examine the situation purely from an in-universe Watsonian perspective, it doesn't make sense for Sonic to be all "lmao rip" because he didn't know Starline well enough to make the judgment call that he was an irredeemable piece of shit. He only met the guy a few times. For all he knew, Starline could have been brainwashed, too.

Eggman, on the other hand, could say "I want to be evil" eight thousand times, no one gives a shit - his puppydog glance in 23 is all the proof Sonic needs to badger him to become "good" again.

Starline? Suffered a nervous breakdown and promptly died in a gruesome way? He was an awful person who had what was coming to him.

Make it make sense, bruh. Pick one.

Of course, as you've said, when you unpack the "Starline had it coming to him" sentiment, you find it really boils down to thinking Starline was somehow a worse villain than Eggman. Which we know to be bunk since Starline stole 90% of his shit from Eggman and doesn't even have a real body count, much less one to match Eggman's. People simply think he was the worse villain because we see the effects of his brainwashing up close and personal in Surge.

Speaking of Surge. :) Don't you love how Sonic essentially dismissed her pain with a shrug and a sigh? Here we have someone who, despite their destructive motivations, is fueled by genuine pain. And yet, because of the aforementioned inability to distinguish nuance, Sonic takes it as another "Guess I gotta whoop your ass until you stop being stupid and shake my hand" case. Which does not help Surge, to put it extremely lightly.

More and more you get the feeling Sonic doesn't care nearly as much as he claims he does, because his actions keep contradicting his words. Everyone is Good Deep Down, except you, Clearly Traumatized Girl. But I guess I'll give you a chance not because I actually believe you deserve one but out of the goodness of my own heart. Aren't I awesome.

The kicker, of course, is that none of this kerfuffle would exist were it not for Flynn's need to answer game questions that don't need to be raised. "Why does Sonic always let Eggman go?" Sonic doesn't really let Eggman go, for one thing; Eggman's good at escaping, for another; and for a third, maybe the games don't tackle this subject because it leads to this particular navel-gazing brand of bullshittery.

Flynn didn't like being called out on this, however. It was when issue 50 and the subsequent discourse rolled around that he decided to derail the subject by deflecting blame onto the audience.

He attempts a deep message, he bungles it, he gets mad when people point out how badly he bungled it, he insists folks should read "more adult material" because Sonic's just for kids anyway and why did you expect intelligent handling of the subject matter from him. When it's like. My brother in Christ, you are the one who brought the moral quandary to our attention to begin with. It's a copout to infantilize people for expecting you to have something to say about it lest you waste our time.

[sirsparklepants]

Honestly, y'all. I really truly cannot recommend ENOUGH the value of acting like your shit is the best most valuable shit on planet earth. Yes even if you have social anxiety (I do). Yes even if you don't believe it (so what? If you bring the attitude in other people WILL). You are the hottest funniest best dressed motherfucker in the room. Everyone would love to be friends with you. Your art is fantastic, actually, and everyone is blessed to see it, because your ideas and execution are the best. If you fuck up it won't matter because you're funny and charming and because people like you you can play it off. Anyway, if you fuck up, is it really a fuck up? Or did you succeed in learning something or doing something really, really, funny?

I promise you. Genuinely. Acting like this pays dividends you won't even know about. You know what people think about people who put themselves out there like this? Even or sometimes especially if they're weird? They think they're fun. They want to hang around them because they admire their self confidence. Don't you look at someone like that and go "god I wish that were me" sometimes? Because I see it all the time here. It can be you! Make it you!

[autism-connoisseur]

happy late birthday mr connoisseur i think you’re the funniest motherfucker on this site. i feel a deep kinship with you for no reason except the fact that were the same age and have the same interests. if i make it to that fob show in berlin ill be thinking of u xx

late thank you also this is the funniest ask ive ever had im losing my mind

do you even need more reasons i feel like those are reasonable and plausible reasons. i feel a deep kinship with you too. if you dont send me pics and/or videos of the fob show i will get your location and kill you with my bare hands <3 love and peace on planet earth

[beesmygod]

Watching JoJo's on the bus and shaking my head when the Nazis show up so everyone knows I think its bad

people had a really weird reaction when i said part 2 was amazing and they were like "uh yeah....except for the hero nazi!" and like....one, i dont even understand how you get that read on the situation. joseph joestar is the single dumbest motherfucker on the entire planet and the story is not shy about making that clear. i dont know why everyone unanimously decided that stroheim's existence and joseph "dunce cap" joestar's hysterically specific praise of him (literally always some variation of "damn that stroheim! i dont agree with his politics but hes got guts!") is actually the author's avatar demonstrating approval. like, the narrative's treatment of women gets none of the same logic applied to it despite being way more consistent through multiple parts. it gets handwaved away as a product of shounen jump's editorial influence (which im willing to buy bc they famously suck ass re: women historically and the way he writes women improves as he gets out from under the SJ yoke) instead of remembered as being encapsulated by jotaro kujo. hes not a hero, he's an ally. like. rohan is NOT a hero lol. but he is an ally. like that except stroheim hits less kids. and hes a dogshit ally.

two, literally every single time stroheim shows up things get way worse. its his fault all this shit is happening in the first place. HE TORTURED UNCLE SPEEDWAGON....kars just chops him in half like its nothing after you get a half hour long reveal that they remade his body using dastardly nazi science. and then the asshole shows up with UV lights just as kars becomes superpowered from the sun instead of murdered instantly.

three: the epilogue states he went on to get his cyborg ass murdered by the red army, which is literally one of the funniest things to ever happen in fiction and why part 2 is so good. its a punchline that flies out of nowhere and hits you in the teeth.

my stomach hurts from trying not to laugh at this lol. i forgot how funny it is that he just gets wiped out in stalingrad after surviving an assault by the ultimate lifeform during a plane crash into a volcano. part 2 ftw

[farenmaddox]

Sorry I skipped yesterday, so have my thoughts on entries 4 and 5 together!

The fog and frost so hung about the black old gateway of the house, that it seemed as if the Genius of the Weather sat in mournful meditation on the threshold.

Mr. Dickens, you have done proper foreshadowing at this point. We get it. You can move on.

It was not in impenetrable shadow, as the other objects in the yard were, but had a dismal light about it, like a bad lobster in a dark cellar.

Excuse me? Like a what????*

"Humbug!" said Scrooge; and walked across the room.

Well, yeah. I’d have been disappointed if he said anything else.

Scrooge had often heard it said that Marley had no bowels, but he had never believed it until now.

Charles Dickens was and remains one of the funniest motherfuckers on the planet.

I really like where we’ve stopped for the day, at the moment in which Scrooge finally decides to accept that Jacob Marley’s ghost is truly with him. We’ve had our laugh, time to get to the scary stuff.

*like a what????

[ialreadyreadthatfanfic]

Sha Hai / Sand Sea impressions

About midway through, and so far, Sand Sea is definitely the best-paced DMBJ adaptation we've seen so far. Every time there's a timely cut away from the desert to appropriately keep up with other parallel storylines, I'm thankful all over again to not be stuck in another Graverobbing Amazon Warehouse Hell Simulator.

Li Cu and his friends are being adorable teenage dumbasses and between the weirdass scary stuff they're getting into and the hilarity of some of their shenanigans it's uncannily realistic take on that trope!

Wu Xie and his posse are supporting characters in this one. Half the joy of watching them is KNOWING that while they seems like mysterious, dangerous mafiosos with secret agenda, they just about barely grew out of their own "adorable dumbasses" phase. Mostly by the grace of not being POV characters. A little while ago they were about as ridiculous as Li Cu & Co. and about to get back down to that level as soon as the gunshots are over.

The most jarring thing is how weirdly plausible the explanations are? The snake pheromone visions explanation was borderline believable sounding. The magnetic field interfered with compass, just like in real life! A stealth sea roving around in the desert is pretty out there, but nobody attempted to give us an awkward, painfully fake sounding justification!

I don't think there was even one completely outrageous of instance of Mirror Lasers Science Exposition yet! Did Ultimate Note and TLTR lower our expectation too much?

Zhang Rishan is pretty entertaining for a guy we barely know anything about. In a "rooting for that smug bastard but he could do with a good slap to the face" way.

Somehow, Wang Meng ended up being the funniest motherfucker on the planet in this one.

Another thing different from TLTR and Ultimate Note: there are women! So many women! (Actually, like, barely the amount of women you should expect, but considering the Dearth Of Women before, it seems like an abundance.)

Granny Wu is obviously the type of character that is too powerful to show up in any other adaptation, because in the light of her majesty the plot would immediately decide to pack up the bags and be over.

Liang Wan and Bai Haotian solidarity: regretfully proving the fact that "a grown woman flirting at the level of first grade" is a popular cdrama Trope.

Mafia Widow Wu Xie is all that was advertised and more. When he shows up at first, you're all "whoa!! so dark!! this is serious business!!!" but soon enough there's a flying-by-the-seat-of-his-pants plan, juvenile bullying and mentions of money trouble. Watching the grimdark veneer rapidly wearing off for Li Cu is a delight. By the time Wu Xie has a completely normal not out-of-proportion response to an unsuspecting rando saying "xiaoge", we're all "bitch!! there you are!!".

Again, Sand Sea is great, but I'd still recommend to watch one of other series before just to get that experience.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Godzilla vs. Kong

From the first rumble in the seats in the Dolby theater, I was so glad I chose to see this movie on the big screen. At times it felt like I was on one of those “4-D” roller coasters where the seats rumble and they spray water on your or pipe smells into the audience. That’s how close I was to the action! As at least a casual fan of the previous entries in the Monsterverse, I was looking forward to Godzilla vs Kong and my goodness, those medium expectations sure were met. How medium was it? Well...

I would like the science in this movie to win Best Comedy or Musical in next year’s Golden Globes. This is probably the hardest I’ve laughed in a theater in over a year (obviously there are other reasons for that, but the sentiment still stands). This movie was nonsensical, loud, shiny, dumb fun and I had a great fucking time watching it. Oh, you probably want a plot summary - I’m just gonna refer you to the title of the film. That about covers all you need to know.

Some thoughts:

“Somewhere on Skull Island” - whaaaaat is with this title card? It’s a tiny island. How many possible locations could there possibly be for a giant fuck-off ape to be taking his nap?

I know we’re not here for any semblance of plot but boy, they really sprained something trying to lift these clunky paragraphs of exposition into anything resembling what actual humans would say.

These opening credits are one of the funniest sequences I’ve seen in ages.

My main man Brian Tyree Henry! I had no idea he was in this (frankly I knew virtually nothing about this movie because what do you even need to know about a movie with the title Godzilla vs. Kong). He’s playing a completely different vibe than I’ve ever seen him play - the comedic relief and a mile-a-minute vaguely conspiracy theorist podcast host who is obsessed with Sir Zilla and the other Titans. I really enjoyed seeing this other side of him!

Absolutely terrible waste of Kyle Chandler, who was probably paid more than my yearly salary for 60 seconds of Protective and Frazzled Dad perfection.

One of the highlights of the film is the performance of young actress Kaylee Hottle as Jia. Jia is Deaf, and so is Kaylee in real life, and I’m always here for more Deaf representation onscreen! And her friendship with Kong is one of the few things in the movie that elicits any genuine emotion of any kind. When he booped her I literally said “Aw!” out loud.

The visuals of the hollow Earth are very cool and remind me of those space age desktop backgrounds that most of the guys I know who built their own PCs and spent a lot of time on Tor.com would have had.

Even the most ridiculous films like this one will sometimes include little bits of worldbuilding that are thoughtful and have fascinating implications. For example, the “Titan Shelters” in Hong Kong - who pays for those? The government? Do rich people have reinforced private Titan Shelters while poor folks have to rely on the public ones, which are likely overcrowded and possibly don’t have enough resources? (I think we all know the answer to that).

I am very much enjoying all the neon in the Hong Kong fight, and how much more visually interesting it makes two giant blobs slamming their blob bodies against each other while causing a staggering amount of property damage.

Finally a realistic “I can crack the password!” scene!

Did I Cry? Ok, a teeny tiny bit, about Kong and Jia’s friendship.

Times I laughed LOUDLY in the theater: when Mr. Zilla, who can literally shoot lightning out of his damn mouth just straight up punches Kong in the face. When Kong gets attacked by all those lizard things in the hollow Earth and just uses one motherfucker to slap another motherfucker. When they use an anti-gravity machine (whatever that actually means) as a defibrillator for an ape that is sometimes as big as a skyscraper and other times as big as a mountain.

And now a series of questions:

Why is this high school class just watching the news in the middle of the day? The G-Z has attacked cities at least 3 other times in this universe that we know of. Like, this isn’t their 9/11, this is a thing that just regularly happens.

You decided it was a good idea to transport Kong over the ocean...where Big Daddy G hangs out all the time? Like...that’s where he lives, you guys. You’re basically trying to sneak Kong over the roof of Godzilla’s house and hoping he doesn’t notice.

OH and you had a Kong-sized net and a team of Kong transport helicopters ready the WHOLE TIME? But you still chose “sneaking over Godzilla’s house” as your first plan of action????

How long can Kong hold his breath? He goes underwater for some long ass periods.

In fact, what are the details of Kong’s physiology in general? How tall is he? Because at one point in his fight with The GZA, he’s standing on the floor of the Tasman Sea, no big deal - except the Tasman Sea has a depth of roughly 18,000 feet. And Kong’s just chilling out in the water at waist level? But he’s also shorter than the skyscrapers in Hong Kong? I choose to believe he can grow and shrink at will because that makes more sense than the sloppy joe approach to his biology the screenwriters are using.

I like Millie Bobby Brown as much as the next guy, but does it bother anyone else that she always sounds congested? Is that a consequence of her doing her American accent? It’s incredibly distracting.

Oh, this entire scene is set in Antarctica but no one is wearing hats or gloves? Sure sure sure.

And no one is having any problems breathing the air in the middle of the fucking earth? No one thought to check that the atmosphere was breathable before everyone takes off their helmets? No noxious fumes to worry about in the center of a planet that produces magma and shit?

You’re taking your child to the literal center of the earth? Is this not the ONE TIME you think you might need a babysitter?

The ship that can *checks notes* withstand the forces present during an entire reversal of gravity is crushed by Kong’s fist like it’s a tube of toothpaste?

Even though the Earth is hollow, I’m assuming the distance to reach the core is still about the same, so Godzilla’s lighting can 1) act as a drill to - I cannot reiterate this strongly enough - the CENTER OF THE FUCKING EARTH and 2) Godzilla and Kong can yell at each other for 3,958 miles (give or take) and still hear each other? Do they have superhearing? Is this something we’re studying or are we content to just have them Hulk smash all of that incredibly important evolutionary biology to bits while everyone stands around?

Because this is a “vs” movie, of course there is no clear-cut “winner” at the end. Instead the two parties leave each other with a grudging respect formed, an uneasy truce in place. But I’m obsessed with the way this final scene plays out, as though Godzilla is a bitter ex walking away from Kong after their doomed relationship has run its course. The lighting, the soft music, the absolute melodrama of this giant lizard slinking slowly back into the sea. Godzilla is giving the gays everything they want in 2k21 and I am here for it. Here’s hoping the next entry in the franchise has Kong hooking up with Rodan to make G jealous and they all have a messy public fight over brunch, Real Housewives style.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[brideylee]

Anti- Fan Fiction: James Woods and Robert Blake at Dan Tana’s

           The air inside is hot, full of dust, and too many rotting mouths had ordered the lasagna. James Woods sits in his corner booth at Dan Tana’s in the main room with his eyes on the bar full of shouting men in suits. Some are West Hollywood slick fratties  and others more smelly and introspective in itchy tweed from the land of 70s character actor city. Squeezed in between these men taking up more space than needed with either their narcissistic sadness or their loud, cologned  bravado are some young women desperately trying to enjoy a martini at the historic restaurant, but instead are resigned to hear a bald someones life story and feeling many passing hands needlessly touch their bare backs as men hover and spill around them.

          Woods watches disgustedly, he watches everything disgustedly: babies being born, the sunrise, an elderly woman saying “Hello, Deary”. It all makes him sick. His belly protrudes forward as he holds back a sudden burp and he releases some air through his famously skeezy lips as though exhaling cigarette smoke. He is repulsively sexy in his stony confidence. He checks his watch and decides to complain about something. Dead eyed with his arm stretched out, he points at a maitre de who is pushing 90 and is only meant to be looked at by tourists as a part of the ambiance. The command of Woods pointing hypnotizes the ancient man and he walks over in submission thinking this could hopefully be death itself beckoning him home. 

            Woods gives him his iconic half smile, where one side of his mouth stays in place while the other curls up his cheek as though being lifted by a fish hook, his head tips forward and his round dark eyes look up at him like an alcoholic father who “doesn’t want to have to discipline.” “Hey sarge, the bread is a little chewy, mind popping it in the microwave or something. I could break my teeth on it. And heat the butter up. It’s fresh, its just not soft.” Woods gets bored with himself half way through his criticism and winks at a woman at the bar whose glance regrettably fell on him. The maitre de with no capacity left to hear, nods and takes the bread away, disappointed to still be breathing. 

Woods spots Tim Allen alone in a four person booth holding up a plate to his face, licking it feverishly. They lock eyes and give each other big, knowing smirks, like two people who both know where the body is.  Allen gleefully goes back to lapping up the rest of the marinara, grease all over his chin, his napkin bib coming into good use. “Funniest man in America” Woods thinks to himself before being distracted by some plastic cleavage walking by.

           Suddenly, the air in the restaurant cools as the door wafts open and a small shadowy figure enters with the silhouette of a miniature cowboy.  “Finally.” James Woods says as Robert Blake plops down across from him “Are we angry?” Blake says defiantly with his headed tilted back, his lids hanging low and heavy across his beetle eyes. “There is this thing called time, Robert. I’ve been waiting here an hour.” Blake laughs with a childish grin crossing his face, and somehow in the smooth red lighting of Tana's, he looks twenty years younger, though still disturbingly gaunt, and getting more pale by the minute like a man whose only sustenance is the unease he inspires. He’s wearing a black velvet cowboy hat that looks too big for him, making him along with his small stature appear like an elderly child. “Time!” Blake regales with impish laughter as though hearing an old joke he hasn’t heard out loud in years. Woods stews, his eye twitches and he chews on the inside of his mouth.  Blake’s laugher continues, even Tim Allen interrupts his slurping to peak at where this sinister chortling is coming from. 

              After a few minutes, Blake calms down and stares at Woods lovingly. “You were always funnier than me, Woods. Never give that up, you can fall back on it.” Blake was full of these little jabs, always insinuating that Woods acting career never amounted to anything. Rehearsing a hurtful father son dynamic was one of the only ways these men could show their love. “How’s the old lady?” Blake is referring to Woods’ twenty-two year old girlfriend. “Driving me nuts,” says Woods gazing off, then he leans in towards Robert. “In all the right ways.” He winks at Robert. “Pet a pussy cat on the head too much, and they go bald.” Blake warns. Woods blinks, confused. He had a love-hate relationship with Blakes morsels of wisdom. On one hand it’s why he enjoyed his company so much, on the other hand, Blake had a way of making him question everything, particularly Blake’s sanity.  Woods decides to change the subject. 

“Some shrimp cocktail I ordered us an hour ago. They might be too dead to eat.” He slides an ornate glass rimmed with withered shrimp in front of Blake. All the ice inside the glass is melted and the shrimp look like they know how pathetic their fate is. Blake knocks all the shrimp off the edge of the glass towards the center and gulps them down like he’s taking a shot of vodka before going bear hunting. 

“So, what do you make of this 'Covid 19'” Woods puts Covid 19 in air quotes and his head bobbles with cocky indifference. “It’ll go away.” Blake states between sips of the shrimp water. “Everything goes away, James.” Blake studies the menu. “Not quite Vitello's…” James didn’t want to get into a Dan Tana's versus Vitellos fight tonight. For one, Blake hadn’t been there in decades since he took his wife there before having her killed and more than that Blake was just biased because Dan Tana's never named a pasta after him. Woods lets it slide, he understands the irrelevancy Blake feels to the modern world and the pain of being pushed farther and father back inside Hollywoods skeleton closet. 

         Yet, although Woods sees Blake as an oracle, his secret virus fears remain. There is a social distancing trend hyped in the media and a possible impending lock down for Los Angeles; a city full of the most insecure egos on the planet. A city that needed to love, use, and discard people so regularly that the notion of a lockdown seemed to go against its code of conduct. Furthermore,  Woods cant stand being in his house with his girlfriend for more than three hours, two if there was no oral sex involved, but even worse is the idea of being alone.

His anxiety is spiking as Blake with half glasses on seemed completely engrossed in the menu, ignoring him just like his old man. Woods dips into the pocket of his blazer and dabs his pinkie into a tiny bag of coke, neatly putting it away and rubbing the gums of his front teeth expertly discreet. Blake raises his eye brows. “They’ve got a chicken named after Sidney Beckerman. Did you know him?” Woods shakes his head, and gestures to a waiter to bring more water with an agro snottiness only he could pull off. “He produced Kelly’s Heroes. Good guy, but I never liked him.” Blake starts singing “Que Sera Sera” by Doris Day under his breath, while perusing the menu like it’s a gun catalogue.

Woods patience runs out, he blows a  long grey hair out of his eyes and grabs the menu from Blake. He smacks a passing waiter on the back with the menu. “We’re  gonna split a plain cheese pizza with a side of spaghetti, and two Roy Rogers. And lots of grenadine for this one right here.” Blake smiles like a school boy brat, pleased.

            “So listen, have you been following it at all?” “Following what?” Blake says with a gentle, Warhol deadpan. “The virus horse shit… Robert, they’re saying that we all need to go into isolation. That it’s airborne.” Blake whips the red napkin into his lap. “Get a hold of yourself. Will you? Fear is airborne. Do you know how many motherfuckers, here, still believe in Lincoln?” Blakes shifts were dramatic. Sometimes, he felt like you were talking to a screwy relative of Yoda and other times he had the grit of a  dried up cowboy that had made love with Joe Pesci. 

“FUCK YOU! NO!” The volume of Tim Allen shouting into his Motorolla razor silenced the place for a good twenty-seconds.  “500 million dollars in CASH or you can take your Santa Clause 6 and…make Santa Clause piss!!” The manager started a clap to diffuse any tension. After a smattering of applause, the place went back to normal. “Can I get a big brownie?” Tim Allen screams towards the kitchen like a kid at his grandparents house.

         Their Roy Rogers are placed on the table. Woods is sweating as the coke is hitting, and he can feel his phone vibrate with texts from his often pilled out girlfriend. Texts like “Can you remind me where the refrigerator is?”

  Blake raises his glass, admiring the red flesh of the maraschino cherry and the slow dance of the grenadine syrup descending towards the bottom, surrendering to him like a wounded lover. “Cheers! May we remember to lock the doors and make the baby swallow the key.” They clink glasses. Blake does a long exaggerated gasp of refreshment, his tongue  wagging out of his mouth for a long time. 

            “Woods, what do you think it was that got in the way of your success?” Triggered and high, Woods replies, coke speed with spit collecting at the corners of his mouth.  “Well, I think it was a lot of things. Particularly, that I am a man who values his freedom of speech and I don’t like my rights trampled on by so called “progressives” and  you know I thought I was pretty good in Ray Donovan, but I really wasn’t given much of a script, but, ah, fuck.” He wipes his forehead and collects himself. “Blake. I have a serious question.” They stare at each other. Blake has a gravelly distance between his soul and his eyes, but something in Woods reaches him. Their cheese pizza and spaghetti ruptures the eye contact, but Woods can’t give up.

“Say there is a lock down, and this virus is serious. I can’t be alone with the kiddo for that long, you know what I mean? I need a friend. Someone I can pal around with. Someone that gets it. Man to man. Blake, do you think we can live together? Either at the Ranch in Burbank or my place, wherever you feel the most like you can be you.” Woods heart is racing, this is the most vulnerable he’s felt since since the scene in The Virgin Suicides after his daughters die. 

         Blake stares at him coldly and takes a bite of pizza. “This virus frightens you.” Woods frustratedly digs into the pizza, his heart; a little more vacant, and confused. “Don’t worry.” Blake reaches into his pocket and takes out a vile of clear liquid and places it next to the spaghetti. “I got a cure for that.” Woods examines it. “Is this-“ “A vaccine” Blake says satisfied. “One sip and everything goes away.” 

       “CHANGE OF PANTS? PLEASE, CAN I GET A CHANGE OF PANTS” Tim Allen roars with a lap full of chocolate brownie. His face and khaki pants are covered in chocolate.  But Woods stays transfixed on the vile. “Where the hell did you?…” “We had to make vaccines during breaks on Little Rascals. Bastards always put us to work any way they could. Learned a thing or two though and this one is special… everything goes away. “Have you used it?” Woods asks, his head cocked to the side, watching the liquid float like the clear lip gloss his girlfriend….Kelly? Katy? wears.  “Used it plenty of times. Plenty of times.” Says Blake with the resigned faith of a Southern preacher.

          “Well, even so, if there’s a lock down, can I bunk with you? Forgive me, you’re single now, right?” “I’m dating,  but nothing to write home about," the eighty-six year old answers. Woods looks up from the vile, expectantly. “Listen, kid. My space is sacred. It’s between me and God. I don’t know if you think I can get you a bit part in something or…” “No, I just would like your company that’s all.” Woods assures him. “A man who can’t sleep alone, sleeps while awake. Take the vaccine. You’ll be free.” Woods leans back. Blake  always cuts him open and leaves him smelling like the chicken broth that seemed to emanate from Blakes pores. But that’s often the medicine Woods needs. He uncorks the vile, holds it up dramatically,“Salud!”

            Allen is standing in his boxers by his booth with his arms crossed waiting for the waiters to bring him pants while Woods finishes the last drop. The blood red walls moist from poor insulation seem to pulse around Woods as Blake stares at him. “Hows it feel?” “Like…uh..like nothing. I mean… like it was water, a placebo?” Blake giggles shaking his head. 

           Pants-less Tim Allen walks over to their table. “Hey Robert! I haven’t seen you in ages!” They high five. “You know me, keepin’ busy back at home.” Allen turns to Woods, “How ya doing, bud?” and then turn backs to Blake. “You know you’d be perfect for the next Santa Clause movie. You haven’t been in any of them yet, right? “Not yet!” “Well, right on,Cowboy!” Allen and Blake high five again. Woods gets dizzy and starts blinking slowly trying to steady himself. Perhaps taking a vaccine manufactured by Robert Blake was not smart, he didn’t know for sure. He barely knew anything. “Woods, isn’t it time we scroll through our imdb pages?” Blake baits him with their tradition. Woods nods and types his name into his phone. “I love this game! Can I play?” Tim sits down. 

           Woods can’t focus his eyes very well, but he has typed his name into imdb four times and nothing is coming up. Tim Allen can’t help  himself “Ok, so this is a show I was on where I played like a handy man…” His mouth hangs open as he excitedly awaits  the men to guess what show. “Garfield.” answers Blake without sarcasm. “It’s not working….” Woods interrupts. “Whats with your friend?” Tim Allen asks annoyed. Blakes eyes don’t leave Woods who is squinting at his phone. “Ok, I’m a dad and a handyman…” “My credits are all gone.” James’s voice seems to morph an octave lower the walls seem to run into the leather booths and booths seem to melt  into the floors and drip into the basement where a drunk couple are fucking among cans of tomato sauce.

Woods psyche seeps further into the earths crust, mantle and then core where he watches his entire identity burned in the furnace of mother earths blazing kiln. Alone with himself. To Allen and Blake, his body sitting at the booth looks like a prosthetic suite empty of an actor inside. “The vaccine works.” Blake thinks to himself sipping his pink drink through a straw. Allen whips his head from Woods to Blake and in his classic broad Tim Allen way says “Uhh, am I missing something???”

[tiniest-hands-in-all-the-land]

Not the same anon as before, but could we get some getting together erasermic headcannons?

Okay so i’ve been putting these off under the guise that I’ve been busy--which, in truth, i have been--but part of the real reason i’ve been putting them off is because i don’t actually have concrete headcanons on how Hizashi and Shouta get together D:

So like 99% of these are probably just gonna be Life-After-Getting-Together headcanons and not actually Getting-Together headcanons. But uuhhhhhhhhhh let’s try this anyways!

As much as I love the idea of Hizashi and Shouta being highschool sweethearts, I feel like. They’re too dumb?? To recognize their feelings for each other until they’re in their twenties??

Mic definitely wakes up in a cold sweat one night like “oh shIT I LOVE HIM”, whilst Aizawa’s descent into lovesickness was more subtle and more drawn out, with him just kinda realizing with every sweet thing Mic does for him making his heart beat faster until he’s actively trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with him

They’re both nervous af around each other; but Mic deals with his issues with humor whilst Aizawa deals with his issues by pretending they don’t exist

Assuming Aizawa doesn’t just flat out tell Mic about his feelings immediately (which is something i honestly kind of expect that he would do), he would throw himself into his work to the point of which the only time he ever comes home to their shared apartment is when Mic is out for his radio show or is sleeping

Mic definitely misses him, and tries to rearrange his schedule in response just so he’ll have some time to spend with Aizawa, much to Aizawa’s simultaneous dismay and reluctant pleasure

As he grows a bit bolder with his crush, Mic offhandedly flirts with Aizawa. 

Aizawa always takes his nice comments as just that--nice comments. Cuz. Mic? The one with hair silkier than some rich dude’s designer scarf?? Complimenting his rat’s nest of a bedhead tied in the messiest braid ever woven by human hands??? Calling it cute???? ‘Mmmmm i dunno know about that one scoob’

Shouta snuffs out the hope that maybe Mic actually means the nice comments pretty quickly. He’s dumb like that.

Eventually Mic’s flirting and touchiness get to be too intense, and as he’s gushing about how cute and cuddly Aizawa is when he’s sleepy Mic ends up accidentally spilling the beans with a “--and that’s why I’m in love with you!”

He’s mortified to say the least. But also--Mic was super obvious with his crush, how could he expect Aizawa to not read into his comments/actions?

Joke’s on him. Cause Aizawa’s a dumb motherfucker who’s just now realizing his hopeless crush is reciprocated

“......Oh. Well now I feel like an idiot.”

They have a good laugh about how dumb they both were dancing around each other with their feelings, and then they smooch. Happy end.

They’re dating is pretty subdued. Because of current society and because of Mic’s status as a famous celebrity and Aizawa’s as an unknown, they keep their relationship a secret from everyone except for a handful of people: The teachers at UA, Tensei Iida, The Wild Wild Pussycats, Detective Tsukauchi, and eventually Miss Joke after Aizawa gets tired of her ‘advances’

in truth, Miss Joke could tell the two were practically married a mile away, and had no real intention of barging in on that. And, like Aizawa, she is also hella gay, and thinks the idea of her and him dating is the funniest fucking thing on the planet

Mic’s pretty sad that he’s not allowed to proclaim his love of Aizawa to the entire world, but he respects Aizawa’s privacy more than his disappointment, and does an ace job at keeping their relationship under wraps

In truth, it’s Aizawa who actually ends up revealing more about their relationship

I’ve mentioned this before in previous headcanon posts but feel like it needs to be put here too: Aizawa’s lack of complaint and lack of suplexing Mic to the ground whenever he so much as lays a finger on him is very telling of how much Aizawa likes Mic.

They don’t partake in PDA because of the secrecy of their relationship, but Mic has a workaround for that: his own personal loophole--he’s touchy with everyone. So he has a perfectly viable excuse to throw himself all over Aizawa in public, pulling Aizawa into hugs, touching Aizawa’s face, running his hands through Aizawa’s hair, clasping Aizawa’s hand in his.

And nobody gets the idea Aizawa’s getting special treatment because Mic is like this with everybody.

Mic could plant a big wet kiss on Aizawa’s cheek in front of a roaring crowd and everyone would just be like “Yeah, that’s normal. That’s just how Mic is.’

Mic most certainly alludes to his #1 Listener on his radio show on a consistent basis.

There are conspiracy theories going around on who Mic’s #1 Listener might be. None of them are even close to being correct.

They all make their way to Mic, and it’s honestly his favorite form of entertainment to read through just how involved some of the conspiracies get

Mic and Aizawa get married at twenty-four, with Aizawa proposing

Their wedding is ridiculously small, per Aizawa’s request, with no more than 20 people showing up.

(this one is courtesy of the 18+ erasermic discord): Mic definitely played keytar for Aizawa during the ceremony. It’s one of two times Aizawa allows himself to cry in public

Mic is the one who brings up the idea of adopting a child. Aizawa kind of dismisses it, joking that they already have a bunch of children in the forms of their students. He then takes the suggestion more seriously and tells Mic that he thinks its a bad idea: they’re both pro heroes who are very rarely at home, they have no time to raise and take care of another human being. Aizawa also expresses concerns for their hypothetical child’s safety in a world of quirks and heroes and villains, where personal attacks on a hero’s family are very much a thing

Not to mention, Aizawa just. Doesn’t think he’d be a very good dad. Mic? Yes, without a doubt. But him? If his reputation as a teacher is anything to go by, he would not be an enjoyable dad

Mic gets what Aizawa is saying. He’s disappointed to say the least, but he comes around to understanding Aizawa’s concerns, and eventually just drops the idea.

The parenting suggestion doesn’t come up between them again until years later, when Eri comes into their lives

Then it’s Aizawa suggesting they adopt her, because 

1. Villains could still potentially be after Eri, and who better than Pro Hero Parents to protect her?

2. Aizawa doesn’t know the people who Eri might get adopted by! What if they’re villains in disguise? Aizawa doesn’t trust them, no matter how nice they seem. 

3. Eri’s already comfortable with them, and she’s comfortable with everyone in the dorms who she lives among. Why take that away from her and force her to acquaint herself with strangers?

4. What if Eri’s quirk starts acting up, and she’s unable to control it? Ain’t no other person gonna be able to safely cancel it out!

And 5...... Aizawa may have gotten attached to her during his role of Care Taker

Mic is quick to jab at Aizawa’s earlier reluctance of adopting, but in truth is very welcoming of the idea of making Eri a part of their family. So he helps Aizawa out with filing the adoption papers, and soon they’re the proud parents of a sweet innocent bby

They end up adopting Shinsou as well, after Shinsou’s dad is killed after a villain attack and he’s left as an orphan

They adopt him mostly to give Shinsou some stability after it was ripped away from him so suddenly. They just want to make sure he can spend his last 3-5 years of dependence in peace, with a place to call home and people he can be comfortable around

Neither Aizawa nor Mic expect him to consider them parental figures, considering how close Shinsou was with his biological dad, but they welcome him into their family with open arms anyways

Aizawa and Mic are very proud of their little family, no matter how shoddily it may have been put together

That ended sad. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff ~ Stray Thoughts: Steven Universe’s Movie

It’s high time I finally looked at this film. 100%, Monkey Style. Let’s roll...

Ah, a curtain raise. Fancy Schmancy.

Chance the Rapper! Good seeing him have a hand in the music, cause I doubt it’ll sound any different.

I wish the tale was more than just about Steven

Lucky she got planet earth, I guess.

*Holds onto the laugh* She latched onto Greg’s seed. HEHEEE KEK! 

That’s one way of putting it

You know, I would’ve preferred he was 18 instead of 16. It makes sense that he’s still a teen, but that is me

I guess this film wouldn’t have gone the way it did if Steven didn’t dox himself like that.

“Saving.“ That reminds me. What of the Cluster? “They’ll never mention it.“ I know. *sigh*

I’m so glad this time skip makes me ask more than accept, trying to make me compelled for season 6 to know what happened in between that time. You’re not slick here, movie.

“The White Power Hour will be right back“

Am I the only one finding this scene with the Diamonds creepy?

“Come on, Steven. You’re all that stands between me and doing the racism.“

Connie! Glad you look spry and well in your 65% of screen time.

Cheek peck! Lovely!!!

Shoot, they could make a whole episode about him being a guest at the space camp. I mean I’m saying this cuz I doubt they are.

Ah, the “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?” song.

Zach is quite the singer when he can sing more naturally

Come on Pearl, don’t make me believe Rose was a character

Oh the chest is open. Neat. Wish I cared.

Unconsenting head warp

1st Born Amethyst is adorable.

*sigh* Wonderful. It’s a shame I’m gonna forget this song.

Ah, the best character in the series has arrived

Real Talk tho: How did our antagonist get to Earth with that craft so quickly? Like, let’s say it took 10 real minutes at best between Steven giving his Homeworld speech to resting on that hill. She just had that injector, roaring to go, and knew exactly where Steven might’ve been all in that short amount of time? “You know logic is not this show’s strong suit.” Let me dream, damn it!

Again, none of this would’ve happened if Steven didn’t out himself

Ruining other people’s happiness. I love her already.

Why did Steven getting his face kicked feel satisfying?

“Pink Diamond“ Ah, the secret word.

While “Other Friends” is such a bop, one of the only good songs so far, I knew this movie would have it’s musicals take place every.... less than five minutes.

Wait. The villain has stretchy powers, so there's an in-Universe reason to be off-model all the time? Oooooh, they’re fucked.

It was at that moment the villain knew, he fucked up.

Again, Steven getting kicked feels so satisfying.

Reaper? Awwwww ye!

I’m telling you. She let him slice her. 

What? How can he not control his powers while he’s aware of- ugh.

Surprised he didn’t revert back to no neck Steven

Ok, that quick censor joke got a laugh outta me.

Two for two laughs, Greg is on a roll

How would gems know what seashells are?

Three minutes apart. Not bad.

Whaaat was that zoom?

Ah, the “For the Newbies/clueless” song

We’re doing the amnesia plot, Pearl, keep up a bit.

I’m somehow giddy and uncomfortable at Spinel’s presence.

Beautiful song. Sad I won’t remember this one.

Wonderful lip sync there.

Oh no, chekov’s scythe.

Heheheheheheh, Spinel’s dead eye stare

Ah Lapis, if only the show treated you better

That’s some morbid logic. I can dig it.

Seriously, if you are aware of your powers, then why can’t yo- ugh.

Ye, get the Diamonds. They could punt the injector out, everything could go as planned. Only problem would be having to listen to them.

I doubt Garnet would know what to do, honestly.

Spinel’s VA must’ve had a blast with the role

About five minutes apart. Doing better.

Song is better too. Not memorable, but it’s a fist pump worthy tune.

Dang it, Spinel, you’re precious!

I’m with Steven, I’m getting Cupcakes vibes with that pizza slicer

Ye, just let her pick up that weapon. It’ll conveniently advance the plot.

Oh a lovely constitutional for those two.

Rise of the Shield Hero!

Four minutes apart. Slightly better.

Weakest song by far, but the visuals were amazing.

Subtle moment here. I’ll express later.

Is Onion teleporting?

So sad Ronaldo.

Okay, that was a wholesome moment. “That’s why Amethyst and Steven ARE the best.“ You know it. *fist bump*

Ye, I think it’s best to get out of there?!

I doubt it’s gonna kill everything on Earth

Oh wait, what about the Clu- “It’s not gonna be mentioned.” The Cluster deserves better, man.

I honestly would’ve loved to see Steven lift that entire thing

Great, you made it worse.

But forget the end of the world. We got music to make.

A little over five minutes. Pretty good.

Why am I getting Pat Benatar vibes from this tune?

'Disobedient’ is bad btw

The look Steven and Greg gave before rocking out? I felt that. Now....

There comes a time in all forms of media consumption where you are so utterly bewildered by an event taking place that there are so many things wrong with it that you don’t have words and you simply laugh..... 

When I saw this sequence for the first time I wish I recorded it. I burst out laughing, struggling to compose myself, and I was fundamentally blown away at what in the world I was seeing. And the kicker? I wasn’t even entirely sure of why..... 

It’s like so many issues cascade on your brain at once, you are overwhelmed and you couldn’t possibly pass it out in the amount of time you have left before something utterly ridiculous happens on top of what you just saw.... 

So that is why posts like this exist, to collect and come up with a sensible way to exhibit one’s feelings about the sequence because.... what. the. fuck. Let’s roll back.

Chad Gem? Chad motherfucking gem.

Got a pompadour, super-sized mullet, potentially 8-pack, and a clean shave which surprised me the most. They just... *MWAH* pulled no punches with Multiverse’s design.

The powers however confuse me. Can he just fly now and make anyone fly? 

I get where people were coming from with their discomfort, but honestly this is the funniest thing in this entire movie. Nothing about this feels right and that just makes it hilarious.

I’m just gonna say it.... *DEEP BREATH IN* RULE 34 MUST HAD A FIE- *snap* Sorry, low hanging fruit.

Did Pearl just literally sploosh?

It’s Always Sunny honestly did this better.

Opal, you’re back for a minute! I forgot she could talk.

We All Float.

Damn Steven, you look like shit.

Steve-o, you’re not helping her situation. Comfort her, fool.

Oof, this is gonna be a painful number isn’t it?

Such a dear jester

A nice detail is that Spinel’s voice feels slowly exhausted and empty the more she shares of her memories. It makes that scene where she snapped at Steven make a lot more sense.

I also like that it isn’t clear if Steven sees what she’s envisioning but can understand what she might’ve remembered.

*taps the mic* Pink is a CUNT. That will be all.

'Drift Away’ was.. beautiful. Ugh, not gonna remember it though, which sucks.

That brings up a question. Was there never a message saying that Pink was “shattered”? Like you’d think news like that would’ve reached any and everywhere, Spinel especially. That certainly would’ve changed a few things.

Okay, ‘Found‘ was a great AND memorable song. That’s two out of.... ten. Not bad.

Greg is honestly the best in this movie.

Uh, Steven? You’re just leaving her there.

“Just Forget.“ How to make someone on edge feel worse in two words or less.

Welp, there’s Chekov’s scythe.

Pretty convenient he kept that around to further the plot.

I would say Spinel’s gone off the deep end, but.... uh, ugh I can’t help but side with her? I really just wanna give her a hug before the end of the world happens.

Garnet, are you gonna do anything? Were you this stagnant?

Ah, it’s the “Marketed like Let it Go” song.

I love that we got chill music in the midst of the apocalypse. It’s a good way to die.

Guess they saved the animation budget for the violence? Lovely.

Wait, that’s it? All that fluid and it doesn’t even look like it’ll destroy the world? Just Beach City? That kinda... kills the tension.

And why was everyone just standing there? Jesus, this feels messy.

It’s the final bout!

Tch, Get Dekt, Steven.

Shield hero’s back!

Spinel I love ya, and I don’t blame ya, but singing’s all they’ve done this entire movie.

Dead.

I got Mob Psycho vibes from that nuke. Don’t know why.

That reminds me. WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE MILITARY?! “Cause and Effect is not a stro-” Shut up!

Then stay with him, Spinel. Travel the world, be more than a single one’s friend and... oh, the Diamonds are here.

That’s a fate worse than death, dictators moving in with you.

It’s only been one night, White.... Seriously, this all happened in a day. It feels weird.

I’m with Yellow. That is sickeningly funny.

Seriously, their song is creepy. I don’t trust them like that.

I got a problem with Spinel’s ending deep down. Then again, if she can be happy... then I’m happy that she’s happy. That’s something, I guess.

Okay, I’m tired of the singing.

But when I think about it, I feel bad for Steven. All he just wanted was some time to himself where he didn’t have to deal with any bullshit. Had to teach whole dictators and remodel a whole empire. Yeah, he’s gonna change as he grows, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having “me time” so to speak. Can’t the kid have a chance to not have to worry about anything, actually live a life? No? Jerks?

Well that was a bit of fun. While the musicals and most of the characters felt like an afterthought, save for Greg, Spinel, and Steven, there were a few moments that honestly made the watch worth it, intentionally or not. I really have no interest in seeing this again, but I’m satisfied with the events that transpired and I’m glad the crew got to make this film. “What about the moral of the story?” 

Eh, it’s Steven Universe, morals are whatever.

[acupofmatt-blog1]

MATT VS. NATURE

Location→ Hither Hills State Park

Date→ 08/23/19-08/25/19

Summary→ …pray for Mattycakes.

MATT VS. MOSQUITOES (AND BUGS JUST BEING VERY, VERY SCARY)

Matt always went by the motto “if you got it, flaunt it” and Matt applied this motto anytime, anywhere. Even camping. So Matt obviously wore a black sports bra and black shorts. It was sporty and Matt looked as fuck. Now, Reagan and several others advised Matt before they went hiking to “cover up” and Matt only rolled her eyes and responded with: 

           “With a body this good? She’s gonna be shown off.” Pause. “Wait are you telling me that my perfectly sculpted abs are gonna attract attention? Like…furry attention—wait I worded that wrong—like…bears?”

           Matt couldn’t be more wrong. As everyone enjoyed the hike and all the wonderful sights of nature, you could hear loud smacking every few seconds.

           “What the FUCK why do these mosquitoes keep biting me?” Matt whined as she smacked the back of her neck. “I WORE bug spray, look!” Matt showed the person next to her the bug spray.

           Much to Matt’s dismay, it was not bug spray. It was bear spray that Matt applied generously all over her body.

           Wrong B.

           Matt smacked her arm, watching bumpy, red mosquito bites forming all over arms and on her abdomen.

           “This is not the kind of sucking I signed up for.”

           The rest of the hike, Matt mostly smacked away mosquitoes and also made obnoxiously loud noises that trembled with fear. Because WHY do animals with a billion tiny legs exist???

~ ~ ~ ~

MATT VS. THE SETTING SPRAY FAILURE

           Make-up was, and always has been, Matt’s best friend. Contour? Matt looked like some motherfucker from Roman times chiseled her face by the time she was done baking and enhancing with her Anastasia contour kit. Highlight? Matt competed with the motherfucking sun as she applied her Fenty highlight. Brows? Move over Michelangelo (not the Ninja Turtle) because Matt’s talented wrist never failed to move effortlessly and create an impeccably shaped eyebrow all thanks to her Anastasia brow kit (she really loved Anastasia beauty products, okay? As much as Fenty, if not more. Don’t tell Rihanna that though).

           Basically, Matt knew make-up like it was basic math. It was easy. She always knew what to use. So when Matt ordered Kiko Molano setting spray? She knew she’d be fine. Matt’s always used the Italian beauty product. It never failed her. Her gorgeous make up always stayed on no matter the setting. Beach day? Check. Clubbing? Check. ACup? Check. Sex? Double check.

           Matt sweating didn’t freak Matt out. She could sweat all she wanted, this make up would stay on no matter what. Matt was particularly proud of her winged eyeliner. If this motherfucking eyeliner could fly, it would be a majestic eagle because that’s how SHARP it was. Could kill someone, probably.

           After helping some of her friends who were making a fire bring the necessary items to make a bonfire, Matt was definitely sweating a bit. Matt placed her hands on her face and paused to take a breath from all the work. Matt was about to go back to her bonfire duties when she noticed something shimmery, something dark, and something cakey in her hands.

           NO.

           Matt let out the loudest scream, causing some of her friends to rush over to her in worry.

           “My SETTING SPRAY didn’t SET!” Matt informed them, showing her hands that displayed the evidence of her smeared make up. “It’s KIKO MOLANO. It’s an Italian product and all the reviews say it stays. Shit, Reagan has sat on my face and it STAYS ON. I don’t get it—hey, wait, where are you guys going?”

           Damn this Italian scam.

~ ~ ~ ~

MATT VS. FINDING WIFI

Instagram. Memes. Vines. Tik Toks. Reddit. Snapchat. Pinterest. Netflix. Hulu.  Matt Solís loved her social media and apps. It fueled her. So to go three days with limited Wi-Fi where her ego couldn’t be fueled by thirsty comments from her hot selfies? Or to see that crying laughing emoji from someone who thought she was the funniest person on the planet (and she was)? What if a new meme trends and Matt won’t know about it?

A nightmare luv, litrally a nightmare.

So naturally, Matt made sure to dedicate time to sorta catching up with social media and asking Harper to take pictures of her “enjoying” nature for the ‘gram. Matt especially liked one where it was golden hour and Matt’s make up + amazing skin made her face glow and she looked absolutely stunning as always.

She needed that ego fuel. CRAVED IT.

Matt needed to post this picture on Instagram, so she walked around looking like she was part of the Lion King with her arm stretched out as high as she could in search of some bars.

“This is the shittiest Wi-Fi I have ever had to deal with, what the fuck?” Matt complained as she continued to idly walk around in search of the perfect spot with the perfect amount of Wi-Fi where she can post something.

Five minutes into this heartfelt journey, Matt tripped on a thick, heavy branch and cracked her phone screen. Never mind that she might’ve slightly sprained her ankle. Her phone screen.

And the worst part? Amidst her bright, cracked screen she read the words “No Signal Please Try Again.”

Now how will people ever believe she was loving this camping trip?

A tragedy luv, litrally a tragedy.

~ ~ ~ ~

MATT VS. “BEAR”

           Matt’s nightly skincare routine is something Matt did religiously. She never missed a night. Matt could be coming in from clubbing at 6 am and super drunk, but Matt would still do her skincare routine. A bitch wants to have clear skin and glow, okay? Camping would not get in the way of that, even if she hogged the bathroom.

           After finishing her nightly routine with her night cream, Matt took her time putting all her creams, serums, moisturizers, etc. back in her travelling bag before walking back outside. As soon as Matt closed the door, Matt heard a rustling.

           “GUYS, it’s not fucking funny anymore! I already heard you, anyways, dumbass.” Matt rolled her eyes. Almost everyone had taken turns in scaring her multiple times during the course of this camping trip due to Matt’s irrational fear of bears, but this was getting old.

           Matt continued to hear rustling and Matt stopped dead in her tracks. Whoever it was... would’ve jumped out by now.

           Fuck.

           Shit.

           Motherfucker.

           No fucking way.

           Nope. It was not what she was thinking.

           “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Matt mumbled to herself. What should she do? Pray? Run? Sleep in the bathroom?

           Coming out of the bushes, Matt could see the silhouette of a four-legged animal.

           It was a bear.

           It had to be.

           What else could it fucking be?

           “I can’t die like this. I’m too fucking pretty.” Matt said to herself in panic as she scrambled through her bag and took out the bear spray she brought and frantically sprayed it all over. “GET AWAY. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. I JUST PUT MY NIGHT CREAM ON!”

           Several mistakes here.  

Matt was loud.

Matt was panicking.

 Matt wasn’t spraying bear spray.

It was bug spray.

It wasn’t a bear.

It was a raccoon.

The racoon ran as soon as she screamed.

Matt is an idiot.

[fizzyren]

NSFW prompt (Lance/Possessed/Angst) from way long ago for @usagi-monet, :,) sorry I’m late, I didn’t forget you. This is on AO3!

Hunk/Lance, possession, alien sex, overstimulation, in heat, multiple orgasms, dry orgasms, pwp, the whole nine yards yall just...read it. 

“Oh god, oh god, quiznak I- guys, guys- ” Lance gasped, frantically patting his hands over his armor, trying to touch for cracks, for some entry point.

“I-I think something just went inside of me, oh my god. I’m going to die . I’m-”

“Lance! Calm down.”

Hunk sighed out beside him, looking at the blue paladin as if this was another joke of his. Lance looked at Hunk pleadingly when he pulled his foot up out of the sticky goop or sap or whatever was coming out of these trees and coating the planet’s surface.

“Hunk, did you not see that-that thing go inside of me!?”

“I didn’t see anything at all other than you shooting at random shadows. Stop playing around, man.”

Hunk shook his head before turning back around, his bayard activated in it’s larger gun form, resting with the end towards the ground.

Lance made a small noise of apprehension, still looking down at himself and then behind as if he might see the figure once again.

Just as quiet as the forest they were in, so too was the...apparition. Lance had no idea what to call it. It had no definite shape and had seemed to float listlessly towards him. Had he been paying more attention to the trees around him and not getting sap off his boots, he could have probably easily dodged the thing. But as it was, Lance looked up right as the opaque fog-like being ran into him with barely a cold touch. It had startled Lance’s bayard to activate and his clenching hand shot a ball of hot plasma into the ground. Hunk’s echoing scream as he whipped around matched Lance’s when he too turned to try and find the source of the fog.

And now it left a sour taste in both their mouths. Hunk upset with Lance scaring him, and Lance upset that there was some whisper-y motherfucker that just waltzed right through him.

They didn’t have long to bicker about it. Lance suddenly felt like a fire had been lit inside his armor. When he looked up to Hunk, ready to ask him if he felt any different too, he paused.

Hunk was staring at him, or more accurately, Lance was staring down the barrel of Hunk’s activated bayard cannon. Confused, Lance took a half step back and held a hand up.

“Woah, hey. What the heck?” he tried to say, but instead what came out was a monotone, “don’t shoot.”

Hunk’s grip on his bayard tightened and Lance could see the narrow of his eyes behind his helmet’s visor. Lance’s voice came out again, devoid of any emotion and fluctuation.

“I will not hurt you. Please put away your weapon.”

“I’m not doing anything you say.” Hunk all but growls, and the yellow gold light of his bayard goes brighter like he’s preparing to shoot. Lance feels himself panic, or is it whatever has suddenly taken over him that is startled?

“You will not shoot your friend. He is precious to you.” He says, or... it says. Like it knows how deep his and Hunk’s bond runs.

Hunk stays quiet and doesn’t move. The...entity takes that as signal to continue or get to its point. Lance, meanwhile, is freaking out at his lack of control on his own body. It feels strange. As if there are blankets wrapped around each of his limbs and holding him close like a swaddled up baby. It doesn’t help to calm him down as his inability to move creates more problems than comfort.

“I will explain more when you take me to your leader,” Lance wants to rolls his eyes at the cheesy line, “all I wish is to seek council with your authority. We are in trouble.”

“And who is we?” Hunk asks carefully.

Lance’s eyes do roll this time, though more on the entity's part.

“Were you listening? I said I will explain only with your leader present.”

“How do I know you’re not just trying to kill us all?”

“Were we in any position of desire to harm you and your team, it would have happened as soon as you entered the forest.”

There’s silence before Hunk finally sighs and lowers his bayard. Lance’s fluttering heartbeat returns to normal as he sighs.

“What did you do to Lance?”

“Your friend is still here. We are simply borrowing his form. Our species is unable to communicate with others without a medium.”

Hunk still looks wary. Lance inappropriately thinks he looks quite handsome like this, a half glare-scowl on his face and his shoulders squared up to make him look straighter. He looks big, strong, worthy, the little voice rooming in his head purrs.

Hunk turns around before speaking, “Hey, Keith? Got something on our end. Mute Lance’s com when you respond though.”

Lance makes to complain but he knows that it’s probably for the better. They don’t know what this thing is. They don’t know if it’s really a friend and not a foe. And right now, Lance is completely compromised. He just wishes it was a little more comfortable.

He expected to still be cold, for that entity’s chill to settle in now that he was….possessed? Inhabited? But there’s been an ever growing heat inside, starting at his toes and fingertips and crawling up.

The entity must sense his unease because it relinquishes control and suddenly Lance can move and speak. He stumbles back when he has to focus on his weight on his knees and feet.

“W-Woah-“ he mumbles, blinking away the sudden dizziness. Hunk turns around in alarm only to see Lance almost fall back again.

He’s saved by the hand on his forearm, holding him upright and Lance’s heartbeat washes the heat over him in stronger, faster pulses. It rises and rises and Lance groans from feeling suddenly lightheaded.

“Lance? Hey, what’s wrong? What’s happening?”

His view of Hunk suddenly blurs into two, and somehow that’s the funniest thing he’s ever seen in his life at the moment and he catches the back end of his own chuckle before he passes out.

Waking back up is, in every sense of the word, hell. Before he can even open his eyes heat swallows him. It burns a headache behind his sinuses and his joints grow stiff. His chest is burning but his stomach and pelvis are boiling.

He doesn’t want to open his eyes, too scared that he’ll see charred skin and bone where his body should be. That thought becomes a fever dream when a chilled hand lays across his forehead. Lance groans and turns into it, not caring who it is, just hoping they stay a little longer.

Cold pressure rubs across his brows and down the bridge of his nose and Lance mumbles Hunk’s name, recognizing the touch.

When he blinks, trying to make sure it really is Hunk, he’s met with a dark room and Hunk’s shadow hovering over him. He looks worried and Lance has an apology on the tip of his tongue ready to make that worry go away.

Heat suddenly pulses through his veins, interrupting that line of thought. It comes again, stronger with the gasp he takes. Hunk’s hands draw away and Lance sobs because that’s so much worse. It makes the heat so much worse. He can hardly see anymore, vision fuzzy and caving in. There’s nothing for him to hold onto as his body feels like he’s been spun around, rotating on one point like an empty bottle.

Hunk’s hands come back on his shoulders and chest when he rolls, trying to stand up. A stupid idea, probably, but it’s too hot to stay laying down anymore. The sheets and mattress under his back were trapping too much heat.

There’s something squirming inside his head. He can feel it pressing between his brain and his skull, slipping through tissue and vessels. He’s suddenly so nauseous he can’t breathe. Words are being spoken to him but he doesn’t understand their meaning. Up becomes down and left becomes right.

Hunk eases him to the floor from where he’d stumbled forward and then he can’t tell where the rest of his surroundings are. Every point of contact between him and Hunk burns ice cold and it’s a drug Lance wants more of. The world falls away.

Hunk however...Hunk is very much freaking out. Not only does his best friend get possessed by a creepy planet alien ghost, but now he’s acting weird. Well, weird doesn’t come close to it. Hunk is just glad Lance is still breathing and not spouting that ‘take me to your leader’ crap.

The situation he’s facing now, might be in the running for being worse, though. Lance is feverish, mumbling in some strange language that Hunk can’t put a name to, and trying to walk away to quiznak knows where. He’s also, somehow, become incredibly strong. Every time Hunk tries to sit Lance down, he’s pushed away.

It’s all fine and controllable until Lance gets Hunk on the floor, flat on his back and hovering with this dazed sway that makes him look like he’s a breath away from passing out again.

“Hurts- ” he whines, breathless when he straddles Hunk’s hips, “it burns. Do something. Please, do something-”

Hunk’s tongue turns to stone in the back of his throat when Lance pushes down without warning, pert bottom rubbing circles on top of Hunk. He has a firm grasp of Hunk’s shirt hem, pressing against his stomach like it’d keep him down while he grinds into him again.

Whatever heat Lance is feeling blends up Hunk’s cheeks.

Now that Lance has gotten a good rhythm for himself, he doesn’t look like he’ll stop any time soon. His head rolls back on his shoulders as he sighs, moans on his next thrust forward and again when his hips swing back. Hunk chokes on the pleasure.

“Th-this is like... the least best way to handle this-” he pipes up, not loud enough it seems. That, or Lance is definitely ignoring him.

“It’s so hot,” Lance moans, filthy and airy and oh quiznak are his eyes glowing?!

Lance’s head rolls again like he’s only upright because of a single string. His eyes are barely open but Hunk can still see the white glow pouring from behind his pupils. The color of his irises bleeds out, turning the glow a baby blue shade that falls on his cheeks.

Hunk finds himself sweating under that gaze. Or maybe he’s sweating because Lance feels like he’s been sitting in an oven for five hours. He’s sweltering hot in his lap and Hunk might actually melt. He’s too scared to touch Lance. Worried he would literally burn himself.

The layers of clothes between him and Lance are suddenly a blessing. Deliriously he thinks, there’s a reason you wear oven mitts when taking something out of the oven.

Hunk remembers that they’re actually in the middle of some negotiations with these alien entities. Whatever is inside of Lance is also somehow inside of Shiro and they are holding a meeting with Allura and the rest of the paladins.

Lance was unable to join, seeing how he’d been unconscious on their return. And with his steady rising temperature, Hunk didn’t want to leave him alone. The problem at hand is….still manageable.

Lance suddenly begins to pull on Hunk’s pants and that “still manageable” runs in the other direction.

“Woah woah woah, what are you doing?” Hunk goes to grab Lance’s hands and gets swatted for his effort. Hunk makes a stressed noise and hovers his hands, not wanting to get slapped again.

“We shouldn’t be doing this. Like really really. You need to be laying down.”

“It’s hot. Don’t wanna lay down. Wanna-” Lance trails off, words slurring to incomprehensible mumbling and murmuring as his heated fingers pull Hunk’s cock free from his boxers. “Burns inside” he gasps.

Hunk meets Lance’s eyes again, and even though the glow is starting to hurt to stare into, it dims when something passes over the light source inside. That something being, what looks to Hunk to be a ball of circles and cubes. The shape is almost crystalline and oh so very tiny. He loses track of it when Lance blinks sluggishly.

It was enough of a distraction that now Lance is completely naked on top of him, and his pants and boxers are bunch up under his knees.

“Oh man- Lance we really shouldn’t be doing this. This is such a bad idea.” he mutters more to himself than anything because Lance isn’t listening to him anymore.

Lance is sweating, body finally unable to handle the dangerous temperatures that his fever is working up. Lance is also trying to seat himself down on Hunk’s half hard cock like it’s nothing.

In a blind panic Hunk grabs Lance under the knees and lifts. They go toppling off to the side and Lance sobs like he’s been shot. He thrashes to try and get free, screaming like Hunk has done something wrong.

“Lance! Lance, stop! You’re going to hurt yourself!”

“A-aaah- I-I can’t-“ Lance’s voice wavers between that monotone pitch and his own frenzied voice. He’s fighting it. Hunk can tell that Lance is trying to be good but whatever is inside him isn’t budging.

Lance moans again before his eyes drop down, looking at Hunk with a burning sort of hunger he knows that he won’t be able to get away from.

“If I give you want you want you have to leave him alone,” he says suddenly. Lance doesn't seem to hear him until his head rolls back and a laugh comes free.

Hunk is busy watching the way Lance’s skin pulls across his collarbones and ribs as he tips back. They’ve not has any way to get UV light but Lance still looks like he’s been on the beach for the weekend. There’s almost this glow to his skin or maybe it’s the sweat, maybe it’s the alien inside him doing something.

When their eyes meet Lance has that backlit look to his eyes again and the monotone voice from the entity inside him actually sounds amused .

“You’re smarter than you look, Paladin.” it purrs. Hunk isn’t amused.

“You didn’t come here to talk with us, did you?”

That laugh comes again, more frantic when Lance squirms and pushes his hips into Hunk’s.

“Your friends have not lasted as long as you in resisting the temptation. Will you allow your Lance friend here to burn himself out? This really is a painful way to go,” Lance’s eyes glow brighter as a sharp grin curves his mouth. It looks eerily out of place on him.

Hunk takes Lance by the jaw and presses in frustration. He can’t hurt this alien without also hurting Lance.

The entity seems to have thin patience the longer Hunk tries to stall.

“The longer your friends fornicate with me the longer your lover here suffers,” Hunk wants to make a comment about them being lovers but the alien continues, “we’re waiting for you. Complete the link.”

It’s cryptic. It makes no sense, and Hunk has a growing feeling that whatever this alien is getting at means that the other paladins are in a similar state as Lance. Probably already fucking each other. Hunk doesn’t know what this thing means by completing the link but he knows now that if he doesn’t Lance will die. Will this affect spread to the other paladins?

He doesn’t dwell anymore on it. He’d made his decision and as a Paladin of Voltron, he has a duty to save people. His fellow teammates included.

Hunk and Lance end up back on the bed again where he can reach the lube he has stashed.

He spends the time prepping Lance despite his protests. And he’s glad for it once he starts to press inside because Lance is almost too tight.

Lance reaches down to grab at the top of Hunk’s thighs, nails biting in as he gasps. The glow in his eyes flickers before fading away and Lance looks Hunk over with clear blue eyes for the first time since this started before shivering. His bottom lip gets caught between his teeth when he stares lower at where Hunk is still inside him, holding still, waiting for a go ahead or for Lance to stop wincing.

It takes a whole awkward three seconds for Lance to finally start making little movements with his hips, up and down to test the feeling. He pushes towards Hunk’s hips and his eyelashes flutter and Hunk has to squeeze his eyes shut to stop looking.

His crush on Lance is nothing new. They practically grew up together. Lance has been with him through everything. And as annoying as Lance is, Hunk has always found himself drawn to the other. Hunk prides himself in being the person Lance is most comfortable with and he takes every casually tossed arm over his shoulder and hug and bump with pride.

They’ve talked about it before too. Lance is very aware of Hunk’s crush. Not because he could see it, course not he’s dense on that romance stuff, but because Hunk had made a mistake of confessing one night at the Garrison as they snuck out to look at the stars and talk about their futures.

Somehow with all of that, they didn’t date. Hunk kept his crush and Lance conveniently didn’t bring it up or voice any feelings that would suggest he felt the same. He just made sure that Hunk knew he wasn’t bothered with it. It made things like this a little tougher.

“Oh god … you’re so big- ” Lance whined, leaning in to slip his hands to the back of Hunk’s thighs and pull. His legs rest up on Hunk’s hips and he grinds down.

Hunk’s chest hurts watching Lance’s head fall back and a moan tumble free. It feels more than good when Lance clenches around him with that noise.

His eagerness is a little unexpected but Hunk could have it worse. He guesses Lance could be actually dead by now. Or trying to hop on someone else’s dick. It’s a though Hunk doesn’t want to linger on.

“Ngh - yeah, yeah right there Hunk I-” Lance gasps, pulling at the back of his thighs harder when Hunk rocks forward with power behind his hips, “fuck yes that feels good!”

The words keep falling past Lance’s lips like he hardly has any control over it and Hunk is almost embarrassed to admit that it’s getting him turned on. But he’s come to accept that Lance sets all sorts of fires in him a long time ago. He’s had plenty a fantasy of having Lance under him like this, whining and begging for his cock.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, deeper. Go deeper Hunk,” Lance babbles again, starting to squirm in his lap. Hunk is stumped for the first time.

He’s quite literally as deep as he can be. Balls pressed up firmly against Lance’s spread open hole, wet and dripping with lube.  He can’t go any further than this despite Lance’s pleading. But damn if he doesn’t try.

He leans over Lance with one arm, other curling under his waist to keep him at a good angle before pulling his hips closer. They slot together a little better this way and it almost feels like he’s deeper even though he knows there’s not much of a difference.

It’s what Lance apparently wanted. He moans, croons to himself while he scrambles against Hunk’s broad back until he’s squeezing his shoulders and biting.

The pain makes Hunk wince, starting to fuck into Lance in hopes it will get him to let go with gasps and noises; It partially works. Lance moves away from biting and scratching to screaming. His eyes are gathering up that glowing charge again as he stares blankly off at the ceiling.

The change almost makes him worried if Lance is about to pass out on him but he keeps mumbling Hunk’s name between pleas for more, deeper, faster. He doesn’t sound different other than his voice being tighter.  

But then he’s clenching around Hunk’s cock and gasping, no actual noise coming from his parted lips. His skin stretches against his throat when he shoves his head back, arch of his neck a mirror to the one in his back.

Hunk pulls Lance closer, kisses under his jaw and chin until he’s shivering and finding his voice again.

“Hunk, keep moving,” he whines, “don’t stop, don’t- oh fuck- fuck, fuck, fuck right there, yes, yeah, right there just like- nnggh-“

Hunk leans back a little, hands finally settling on Lance’s hips when he asks, “are you okay?”

He’s not expecting the full body shudder, Lance’s eyes squeezing shut and head falling back. Hunk doesn’t think it’s in reply to the question, but maybe to the small and shallow thrusts he’s keeping. Even that he’s having doubts about, Lance just came, right?

After a few shaking breaths, Lance tenses up again, toes curling and this time a moan pressing out past his lips, “ah- Hunk-”

“Lance?”

The breathing under him picks up again, whining growing tighter the more Lance squirms. He calls out for Hunk again, lips trembling and eyelashes wet. Hunk tries to comfort him through whatever is happening.

He rubs his hands over Lance’s sides, up over his chest and shoulders to gently cup his face, thumbs swiping away the tears that start falling. He hates seeing Lance cry, but it’s a strange situation and Hunk has a hard time coming to terms with the fact he’s still hard inside of Lance.

“Cum in me,” Lance slurs, head lolling off to the side and then back in the other direction as he tries to open his eyes and focus on the face hovering above him, “gotta- I need it inside!”

Lance’s head bobs once more before the glowing comes back and his voice changes, but even now, the voice sounds out of breath and well-fucked, “complete the link, Paladin.”

Completing whatever stupid link this thing wants isn’t something Hunk think he knows how to actually do, but completing inside of Lance is. That’s easy to do. He’s already wound up so much from Lance squirming on his cock and squeezing around him every time he shifts around on the bed.

There has to be something wrong with him too to have cum so fast, and on command like that, but Hunk doesn’t care anymore. His mind goes peacefully blank for a few seconds, softly lulled through with Lance’s sighing and hands rubbing his shoulders and chest to encourage him or just show his appreciation.

When he comes back to reality, Lance is quiet and unmoving, arms by his sides now rather than trying to touch anything he can reach. His chest is moving slow in time with his breathing and Hunk assumes this is it.

As he pulls out slowly, he wonders if he should be more panicked than he is. This whole thing feels surreal.

The last thing he sees is Lance’s gaping entrance, wet and leaking pearly white onto the sheets. The last thing he hears is that monotone voice in his own head, purring gratitude against every nerve and driving the world black.

[stansrichie]

Flowers

pairing: richie tozier x female reader

summary: you really love flowers. you give one to richie every single day at school, and richie surprises you with a gift he made out of the flowers.

warnings: none, besides richie’s trash mouth, an iCarly inspired quote, and the fact that this is my first ever imagine #rip

SEND REQUESTS PLZ <3

“I wonder which one he’d like today,” you mumbled to yourself. You were currently standing in front of the same flower patch you passed every day on the way to school. It had almost become a habit to stop and pick a flower to give to Richie at school.

You never really thought much about it. One day at school a while ago, you had given all of the losers a flower, but none of them kept up with it throughout the day besides Richie, surprisingly. After that, you decided you’d give him one for the rest of the week and see what happened. He always kept up with them so you decided to keep doing it, and after a while, it became a routine.

At first, everyone thought you had a crush on Richie, and while that may or may not be true, you couldn’t let them know that so you decided to tell them he was the only one to keep up with his and that’s why you kept giving them to him to avoid the embarrassment.

Yesterday you had given Richie a pink flower, so you decided to give him a big purple flower. You picked the flower and made your way to the school.

“Good morning sunshine,” Beverly said, smiling as you made your way to the group.

“Good morning, friends,” you said, smiling back at the red-headed girl in front of you.

“W-what color flower did you bring Richie today?” Bill asked, smiling sheepishly as you lifted the flower to show him.

“Purple. It’s really big, the purple ones are usually always small, so I figured I’d go ahead and get this one,” you said, grinning brightly.

“I can’t believe you still pick those… those… disgusting things. I mean, can you IMAGINE how much bacteria is on a single CELL of that fucking flower? It’s just-“ Eddie paused mid-sentence and rubbed his temples. “Don’t you remember John from our class last year?”

“No,” you replied, blinking slowly and wondering what the hell was wrong with this child.

“EXACTLY. You don’t remember him because he DIED, y/n, HE DIED. He picked a flower, didn’t wash his hands, ate a sandwich, and DIED because there was so much bacteria in his throat.”

“I thought John moved to Texas after his parents divorced,” Mike said, raising an eyebrow.

Eddie blinked. “Well you thought fucking wrong, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.” Soon, Mike, Stan, Eddie and Bill were all four arguing over what they thought had happened to the completely random kid from last year’s math class.

You shook your head as you and Beverly listened to the boys argue.

“I’m pretty sure you’re all dumbasses because I saw John at the arcade two fucking days ago.” You didn’t even have to turn around to know where the voice had come from.

“Shut the fuck up Richie,” Eddie said, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms over his chest.

Richie let his bike fall to the ground by the bike rack and walked over to stand next to you. You stuck out your hand and placed the purple flower in his palm.

Richie examined the flower. “Wow, this flower is fucking huge. Almost as huge as m-“

“Beep beep, Richie,” Stan said, already annoyed by Richie’s presence, even though he secretly loved Richie to death.

Richie smirked and turned to you. “Thanks for the flower, small-fry.”

“I’m not that short, asshole. You’re barely taller than I am,” You mumbled, fake pouting at his short joke.

“It doesn’t matter if I’m a tenth of a centimeter taller than you are, if there’s anyway I can make a joke about your height, I’m gonna do it,” he replied, laughing at his own comment.

“We should probably get to class, waiting for Richie has already made us a few minutes later than usual,” Ben said, checking the time on his watch.

“Yeah, yeah, blame the trashmouth. One day you motherfuckers are gonna regret treating me this way. YOU’LL RUE THIS DAY! RUE IT!” Richie screamed, throwing his fists into the air dramatically.

You laughed at Richie as the rest of the group began to walk into the school, shaking their heads as they tried to get as far away from Richie as possible.

From the corner of your eye, you saw Richie tuck the flower you had given him into the pocket of his hawaiian shirt and smiled to yourself, looking down at the ground to keep him from seeing that the small gesture had made your heart flip.

All of you walked into the school and told each other bye as you all made your way to your separate classes. None of the losers were in your first class for the day, sadly. You waved everyone goodbye, and just as you had turned on your heel to walk away, you felt a hand grab you by the wrist.

“H-hey, what are you doing later on today?” Richie asked as he rubbed the back of his neck with his other hand, visibly nervous.

“I’m sure I’ll have homework to do, but other than that, nothing,” you said, feeling your cheeks heat up. You couldn’t understand why you felt just as nervous as he looked.

“Oh, okay, I mean, I was just gonna come by your house for a few minutes if that’s okay. I-i’m learning some stupid shit in math that I don’t really understand. Can you help me out, maybe?” He asked.

You knew he was lying. Not only because of how nervous he seemed, but also because Richie was insanely smart. Even though he was a bit of a slacker and never paid attention in class, he still made straight A’s somehow.

“Sure, I’ll see you after school then,” You said, giving him a small smile.

Your smile had always been his weakness. He loved your smile “more than any fucking thing on this planet,” which he had told Eddie one time at the quarry when you couldn’t hear them talking. Eddie teased Richie all day but never once broke his promise not to tell you what Richie had said. If you were to ever find out, Richie wanted to be the one to tell you. He loved your smile, but don’t even get him started on your laugh. Richie tried to get you to laugh every single chance he got, and when you did, you made him feel like the funniest person on the planet.

“Y-yeah, after school, that’s when we’ll see each other…yeah, cool,” Richie said, stumbling on his words.

”Are you okay?” You asked, slightly giggling out of concern and because of the fact that he sounded awfully similar to Bill right now, no offense to him of course, but we’re just facing the facts right now.

“No, I’m a fucking loser, I don’t know why the hell I’m talking like an idiot. I’ll see you after school, y/n,” he said, shaking his head as he turned the opposite way and began walking to his class.

You began walking to your class as well, but not before you heard Richie mumbling to himself as his figure disappeared.

“Cool? COOL? The fuck is wrong with me.”

You also heard a trashcan being kicked over as you walked away.

After school, you had gone straight home and finished your homework. You weren’t sure what Richie wanted to talk to you about, but you knew it wasn’t homework.

Instead of stressing about all the many things that were wrong with Richie Tozier. Even though there were probably more things than you could count, there was an equal number of things that were right about him.

You decided to stress eat a piece of cake your mom left you as an afternoon snack, and let your mind drift off to everything you loved about Richie. His hilarious, and utterly vulgar,  comments, that made you laugh all the time. The freckles that accentuated his face like stars. His crazy hawaiian shirts that made you laugh because they make a flapping noise when he rides his bike.

Just as you finished the cake, you heard a knock at the door. You slide over to the door since you have on socks, and almost died by tripping by the way and open the door for him.

“Hey Richie,” you say, stepping aside so he can come in.

“Hi,” he said, stepping inside, being incredibly quiet, which is NOT common for the trashmouth.

You shut the door and turned to him as you raised an eyebrow and crossed your arms over your chest. You waited for him to say something, but he said absolutely nothing as the two of you stood in your kitchen.

“So… That math homework?” you asked, deciding to mess with him a little bit.

“Oh, yeah, I figured it out,” he said, rocking back and forth on his toes and looking around the room.

“Alright, what’s going on. First, you were stuttering and acting weird in the hallway, now you’re being really quiet. Is something wrong?” you asked, genuinely concerned considering all of you losers knew Richie’s home situation.

“Something wrong? With me? Richie Tozier? The almighty leader of everything that is great an—“

“Richie.”

Richie sighed and reached for something in his bag. He pulled out a medium sized box that had been poorly wrapped in notebook paper with the words “please like this gift” written all over it and handed it to you.

You chuckled slightly at the words and opened the box. Inside of the box was a crown made of one flower from each week that you had given him. Richie had painted over each flower that he decided he would add to the crown at the end of each week with gel and acrylic paint to preserve them, and after a while, he had finally finished the crown.

Richie took the crown from the box as you stared at it in awe. It was honestly the most beautiful thing you had ever seen in your life and you absolutely loved it.

“Here,” Richie whispered close to your face as he placed the crown on top of your head. He stepped back and took in your entire presence.

You couldn’t even speak. For once in your life, you were truly speechless. Never in a million years would you have believed he’d do something like this for you, but at the same time, you could believe it because Richie loved every single one of you losers.

“Richie, I- thank you so so much, oh my god.” You walked over to Richie and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. He put his arms around your waist as you hid your face in his neck to keep from crying at how kind this was.

“You’re welcome, y/n.” You could practically hear him smiling as he said that. He had been so nervous about giving you the crown in case you didn’t like it, but now he knew you loved it, and couldn’t feel any better.

You pulled away slightly and ran your fingers along the crown on your head. Shaking your head, you looked at him, dumbfounded.

“Why did you make this? Don’t get me wrong, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, but why?” you asked.

“I know you love flowers and ever since that first time you gave me a flower every day for a week, I decided I’d make the crown. I know it isn’t perfect but Mike and Stan gave me advice on how to fix it. I tried to ask Eddie but he bitched about how I’m not properly disinfecting the flowers first so I told him to fuck off instead,” he shrugged. “I really hope you like them. I almost didn’t think you could look any more perfect, but here you are, defying the laws of beauty and shit, as usual.”

Your cheeks heated up as you smiled brightly at his comment. “I don’t wanna sound like every airhead in every single romance movie, but did you mean that? You think I look perfect?” A part of you wanted to make a joke because you’d never seen this side of Richie, but you wouldn’t DARE ruin this moment. Nuh uh. Not a chance.

“Of course I do. We all do. I mean, do you see yourself? I’ve had to flick Stan in the throat and pinch Eddie’s arm a few times for staring at you too long.” He said.

“I think Stan is too busy staring at Mike to notice me,” you said, smiling. You walk over to Richie and hug him one last time. “Thank you, Richie, really. This means the world.”

You place a small kiss on his cheek and his face instantly goes red. Despite the heat coming from his face, his smile is as bright as the sun. Little did you know this was only the beginning.

[vlogsquadau]

Awh, Toddy likes her| Toddy Smith

Requested: Yes Summary: Toddy finds you on twitter and really likes you right way so he flies you out to LA to hang out with him and the squad for a few days.  Warnings: Cussing but other than that just some cute shit. 

So, you were chilling out on a nice Sunday morning trying to do your last college assignment ever when you heard your phone going insane. Being tired and frustrated you just threw your phone away and ignored it for a good while. It wasn’t until that night that you actually were calm enough to check your phone and social media, but when you did you couldn’t believe what was happening. Todd Smith, like the hottest and funniest guy you had ever seen tweeted you. That is why your twitter was going fucking crazy earlier that day. You watched David and everyone in the Vlog squad for a really long time and tweeted them for what seemed to be a million times by now and no one ever noticed you really. 

But now, there you were starring at your phone and thinking this wasn’t the real life and your roommate wasn’t there to pinch you. Few nights before, you tweeted out that you would do anything to spend a day in their house so it could take your mind off of finishing college and the stress that brought you and that was the tweet that changed your life, no matter how cheesy that sounded. Todd tweeted you back saying that they have an extra bed if you needed it because “ik college can suck” as he said. Deciding to play it cool and try and cover your insane fan girl personality, you DM Todd jokingly thanking him for the bed but explaining that you had just submitted your last assignment. Just a few moments later you got a DM back saying omg, even better. come out so we can all fuckn celebrate!!. After some thinking and talking to your best friend you decided that you would go and bring her with you, so three days later you were in L.A. in the most amazing fucking house with the most amazing fucking people to ever walk this planet. 

There wasn’t a single thing you disliked about any of those people and meeting them in real life made you love them even more. They were all so friendly and welcoming.. especially Todd. You noticed that he was extremely touchy-feely and since you were too, a person walking down the street and seeing you would a hundred percent think you guys were dating or something. David, just like everyone else, noticed that very quickly and asked you how many shout outs would you need to kiss Todd for the thumb nail.  

“I’m not doing this, David. I don’t need shout outs because I have nothing to shout out man,” You told him but you were actually dying to kiss Todd but not like this. 

“Oh come on, y/n. You are the star of this vlog. If you didn’t come I’d have to bring in more rats and gators and blindfold these idiots because I have no content,” 

“Okay but I did come and now you can put me in the vlog for 4 minutes straight and it would be the best fucking vlog you ever put out,” You said earning laughs from the rest of the gang. 

“Okay but I still need you to kiss Todd for the thumb nail,” He persuaded. 

“Stop being annoying, David. We promised her good fun to celebrate getting out of hel- I mean college and now you are just annoying her,” Scotty said. 

“If she would just kiss him for the thumb nail tho! Todd isn’t saying a thing which means he likes her and wants her to kiss him!” David basically screamed like a twelve year old girl, putting Todd on the spot.

“I’m not kissing her, David. Not for your stupid vlog anyways,” Todd almost whispered causing the room to go into a stage of shock. Todd never really talked about liking girls with the bunch because he just played along with the whole player thing that was going on. 

“Awh, Toddy likes her. Toddy actually likes a girl,” Scotty teased him, putting his arm around Todd. 

“Shut up, Scotty and stop with your bullshit David,” Kristen said pulling you and Todd to the side. 

“Get her out of here before they rip you two apart. Go grab a dinner or something and we will all meet you at the club tonight, okay? I’ll take care of your friend y/n, I swear,” She gave you a smile and hushed Todd who was about to say something and left soon after.

“I’m sorry for them, especially David. The truth is, I told the motherfucker that I was gonna have you come because I really like you and this bitch used that against me. You’re beautiful and extremely funny, I stalked your twitter a bit,” He chuckled. “I’m not some weirdo tho, I promise you. I’d really like to take you out for a meal now and maybe get to know you a bit better, ya know?” 

“That would be great,” You gave him a big smile, trying to ease his nervousness and also really badly wanting to go eat food especially with Todd fucking Smith. 

A/N: I’d die if Todd ever knew I existed. Also, this shit ain’t edited because I’m lazy and also tired af, college already getting to me and it’s only week two.