#reagan lane camping trip 2k19

[acupofmatt-blog1]

INSTAGRAM: @mattsolis UPLOADED A NEW PHOTO

Missing this gorgeous view  🏕🌳☀️

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[acupofmatt-blog1]

MATT VS. NATURE

Location→ Hither Hills State Park

Date→ 08/23/19-08/25/19

Summary→ …pray for Mattycakes.

MATT VS. MOSQUITOES (AND BUGS JUST BEING VERY, VERY SCARY)

Matt always went by the motto “if you got it, flaunt it” and Matt applied this motto anytime, anywhere. Even camping. So Matt obviously wore a black sports bra and black shorts. It was sporty and Matt looked as fuck. Now, Reagan and several others advised Matt before they went hiking to “cover up” and Matt only rolled her eyes and responded with: 

           “With a body this good? She’s gonna be shown off.” Pause. “Wait are you telling me that my perfectly sculpted abs are gonna attract attention? Like…furry attention—wait I worded that wrong—like…bears?”

           Matt couldn’t be more wrong. As everyone enjoyed the hike and all the wonderful sights of nature, you could hear loud smacking every few seconds.

           “What the FUCK why do these mosquitoes keep biting me?” Matt whined as she smacked the back of her neck. “I WORE bug spray, look!” Matt showed the person next to her the bug spray.

           Much to Matt’s dismay, it was not bug spray. It was bear spray that Matt applied generously all over her body.

           Wrong B.

           Matt smacked her arm, watching bumpy, red mosquito bites forming all over arms and on her abdomen.

           “This is not the kind of sucking I signed up for.”

           The rest of the hike, Matt mostly smacked away mosquitoes and also made obnoxiously loud noises that trembled with fear. Because WHY do animals with a billion tiny legs exist???

~ ~ ~ ~

MATT VS. THE SETTING SPRAY FAILURE

           Make-up was, and always has been, Matt’s best friend. Contour? Matt looked like some motherfucker from Roman times chiseled her face by the time she was done baking and enhancing with her Anastasia contour kit. Highlight? Matt competed with the motherfucking sun as she applied her Fenty highlight. Brows? Move over Michelangelo (not the Ninja Turtle) because Matt’s talented wrist never failed to move effortlessly and create an impeccably shaped eyebrow all thanks to her Anastasia brow kit (she really loved Anastasia beauty products, okay? As much as Fenty, if not more. Don’t tell Rihanna that though).

           Basically, Matt knew make-up like it was basic math. It was easy. She always knew what to use. So when Matt ordered Kiko Molano setting spray? She knew she’d be fine. Matt’s always used the Italian beauty product. It never failed her. Her gorgeous make up always stayed on no matter the setting. Beach day? Check. Clubbing? Check. ACup? Check. Sex? Double check.

           Matt sweating didn’t freak Matt out. She could sweat all she wanted, this make up would stay on no matter what. Matt was particularly proud of her winged eyeliner. If this motherfucking eyeliner could fly, it would be a majestic eagle because that’s how SHARP it was. Could kill someone, probably.

           After helping some of her friends who were making a fire bring the necessary items to make a bonfire, Matt was definitely sweating a bit. Matt placed her hands on her face and paused to take a breath from all the work. Matt was about to go back to her bonfire duties when she noticed something shimmery, something dark, and something cakey in her hands.

           NO.

           Matt let out the loudest scream, causing some of her friends to rush over to her in worry.

           “My SETTING SPRAY didn’t SET!” Matt informed them, showing her hands that displayed the evidence of her smeared make up. “It’s KIKO MOLANO. It’s an Italian product and all the reviews say it stays. Shit, Reagan has sat on my face and it STAYS ON. I don’t get it—hey, wait, where are you guys going?”

           Damn this Italian scam.

~ ~ ~ ~

MATT VS. FINDING WIFI

Instagram. Memes. Vines. Tik Toks. Reddit. Snapchat. Pinterest. Netflix. Hulu.  Matt Solís loved her social media and apps. It fueled her. So to go three days with limited Wi-Fi where her ego couldn’t be fueled by thirsty comments from her hot selfies? Or to see that crying laughing emoji from someone who thought she was the funniest person on the planet (and she was)? What if a new meme trends and Matt won’t know about it?

A nightmare luv, litrally a nightmare.

So naturally, Matt made sure to dedicate time to sorta catching up with social media and asking Harper to take pictures of her “enjoying” nature for the ‘gram. Matt especially liked one where it was golden hour and Matt’s make up + amazing skin made her face glow and she looked absolutely stunning as always.

She needed that ego fuel. CRAVED IT.

Matt needed to post this picture on Instagram, so she walked around looking like she was part of the Lion King with her arm stretched out as high as she could in search of some bars.

“This is the shittiest Wi-Fi I have ever had to deal with, what the fuck?” Matt complained as she continued to idly walk around in search of the perfect spot with the perfect amount of Wi-Fi where she can post something.

Five minutes into this heartfelt journey, Matt tripped on a thick, heavy branch and cracked her phone screen. Never mind that she might’ve slightly sprained her ankle. Her phone screen.

And the worst part? Amidst her bright, cracked screen she read the words “No Signal Please Try Again.”

Now how will people ever believe she was loving this camping trip?

A tragedy luv, litrally a tragedy.

~ ~ ~ ~

MATT VS. “BEAR”

           Matt’s nightly skincare routine is something Matt did religiously. She never missed a night. Matt could be coming in from clubbing at 6 am and super drunk, but Matt would still do her skincare routine. A bitch wants to have clear skin and glow, okay? Camping would not get in the way of that, even if she hogged the bathroom.

           After finishing her nightly routine with her night cream, Matt took her time putting all her creams, serums, moisturizers, etc. back in her travelling bag before walking back outside. As soon as Matt closed the door, Matt heard a rustling.

           “GUYS, it’s not fucking funny anymore! I already heard you, anyways, dumbass.” Matt rolled her eyes. Almost everyone had taken turns in scaring her multiple times during the course of this camping trip due to Matt’s irrational fear of bears, but this was getting old.

           Matt continued to hear rustling and Matt stopped dead in her tracks. Whoever it was... would’ve jumped out by now.

           Fuck.

           Shit.

           Motherfucker.

           No fucking way.

           Nope. It was not what she was thinking.

           “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Matt mumbled to herself. What should she do? Pray? Run? Sleep in the bathroom?

           Coming out of the bushes, Matt could see the silhouette of a four-legged animal.

           It was a bear.

           It had to be.

           What else could it fucking be?

           “I can’t die like this. I’m too fucking pretty.” Matt said to herself in panic as she scrambled through her bag and took out the bear spray she brought and frantically sprayed it all over. “GET AWAY. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. I JUST PUT MY NIGHT CREAM ON!”

           Several mistakes here.  

Matt was loud.

Matt was panicking.

 Matt wasn’t spraying bear spray.

It was bug spray.

It wasn’t a bear.

It was a raccoon.

The racoon ran as soon as she screamed.

Matt is an idiot.