#you throw the child so hard it goes through the roof. +10 relationship

[possiblyawesometmblr]

seeing a lot of people focusing on the cute stuff in the update and that's all well and good but hi what the fuck does this mean

[in-superbloom]

did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? (a.i.)

right where you left me: prologue

pairing: ashton irwin x olivia jones (oc)

warnings: uhh a kinda grieving theme i guess? but no deaths. it has a sad tone overall, but nothing major (in this chapter hehe). foul language because i can't help myself. the tiniest mention of alcohol, but as a memory. think i should probably warn you that this contains a very sad ash. also not much dialogues. this is mainly for explanation and introduction, but very important for the story. if you find anything else that might be triggering, please let me know so i can add it here !!

author's note: oof okay. so. this is the prologue of a series very very dear to my heart that i've been working on for what it feels like my whole life but really it's been just a few months. but i'm in love with the story (which rarely happens with my own writing) so i hope you can enjoy it too !! this is also my very first time posting a fic since 2013 so pls keep that in mind <3 no i am not shaking as type this ofc not also: although i have the full story ready in my head, this is the only chapter that's written. i wanted to wait until i had at least a few ready before posting this but i'm too anxious for that lmao just saying this bc it will take a good while until i have any more chapters, so <3 (p.s.: i went over this thing a million times since may so if you find any errors pls look away, i'm not fixing this thing anymore. thanks <3)

another note: anna from the future here to say that i completely forgot about the playlist i made for the story lmao here it is in case you're interested k thanks bye <3

credits: title is from taylor swift's song right where you left me. model in the picture: paola locatelli. banner by me.

i also wanted to take a minute to thank some really nice friends that i've made here over these past few months & that i'm extremely grateful for @wastelandcth @suchalonelysunflower @littledrummerangie i cannot thank you babes enough for inspiring me the way that you do & for letting me yell about this to you && for encouraging me so much 🥺 i'll never be able to explain just how much this means to me, so i'll have to settle for saying thank you at any change that i can get <3 i love you all 💜 also gem my baby, thank you for the inspo with the banner 💚

@bluesdelis look babe i did it 😌 you know how grateful i am for you & for you letting me have a breakdown every week about my writing for the past 8 years so let's not dive into that or else i will write something bigger than this prologue jsjsjdjd love you 🖤

i hope you all have a good reading and a nice day ♡

let me know what are your thoughts about the fic ! ♡

word count: 4.1k

☆☆☆

Cold. That was the first thing that Olivia’s brain processed.

Still with her eyes closed, she buried herself more into the duvet, while her arm blindly reached for the furnace in human form that she calls boyfriend. However, as soon as her arm was only met with cold sheets, her eyes shot open.

Blinking the sleep away, she sat up on the bed, searching for the infamous red clock resting on Ashton’s bedside table that was supposed to look like a vintage alarm clock. Olivia had ordered it online at an auction website a couple of years back, as a gift for his 23rd birthday, since it was something he had mentioned multiple times prior that he was looking for, but still hadn't found. But when it finally came in (two weeks after the due date), it looked nothing like the picture she saw on the website. Feeling beyond frustrated, she wanted to send it back immediately and ask for a refund and maybe leave a not so polite review on the seller's page. But Ashton stopped her right away, laughing like the situation was absolutely hilarious to him, while saying, 'I like it, it’s quirky'. So, the clock stayed and found a home right next to him in their room.

Some days, however, she would wake up at some ungodly hour because of the blaring noise of the only ringtone the clock had. But whatever annoyance she could feel towards the object, it always vanished as soon as she felt Ashton's lips gently touching her face in a good morning kiss before he would get up to start his day, leaving her to catch some more hours of well deserved sleep.

As the furthest from a morning person as a touring musician could possibly be, Olivia had always feared that living under the same roof as Ashton would turn her into an early bird like him, but she's thankful that it never happened (not that he needs to know about that).

When she sees the red clock, she smiles at the sudden but welcome memories of them flooding her foggy brain, but frowns slightly when she realizes it reads 12:13 pm. Ashton rarely lets her sleep past 10 am.

Gathering all her strength and will, she rises up from the bed, smoothly picking up a grey wool sweatshirt from the chair (way too baggy on her slim body, but it smells like him), pulling it over her head and relishing on the soft material warming up her body. Making her way to the door and calmly going down the stairs, she can’t help but stop for a minute to admire the picture frames on their walls, one in particular catches her attention – probably one of the most prized pictures and memories they had. It felt older than it actually is, but it was around 4 years ago, she's sure – a little while after the two of them met. The picture was of their group of friends that still remains the same: Ashton and his best friend, Luke; Olivia, her best friend, Calum and their old hometown friend, turned into Calum’s new friend at college, turned into everyone’s friend, Michael; and her then newly band members, Suki, Eli and Ravi. Together, their group was the life of the party through all their college years, and it showed by the big smiles and drinks in hands they all had in the picture. It was a very special night, the first time Olivia’s little band played for the public – for a small audience sure, but it was a wonderful night nonetheless. What a long road it had been since that night.

Her nostalgic thoughts were interrupted by a shiver that went through her whole body, and it made her realize how oddly cold the whole house was, not only their bedroom. Which, granted, it was November in New York and the weather was just getting colder, but that’s exactly why Ashton always made sure to keep the house warm enough. As much as she loved the chilly season, the warm weather always reminded him of his hometown, and who was she to deny him that?

The smell of fresh made coffee could be sensed even before she reached the kitchen. Arriving there, the curly haired woman still found no signs of her boyfriend, so she went straight after the coffee maker pot sitting on the far left corner of the cream marble counter. Smiling softly at the tons of memories of Ashton's sleepy figure making their favorite beverage, she reached for a coffee mug on the cupboard on top of the counter and poured the remainder of the hot liquid on it (it's her favorite mug, if she must choose – it was a gift from a fan, and it had printed on it a collage of the pictures of her and Ashton that were posted on social media through their first year of relationship).

Moving to the glass doors that lead to the mini garden they cultivate, she didn't have to open them to spot the 6-feet-tall man sitting on a bench outside, looking oddly small in his oversized clothes, coffee mug tightly held between strong hands. Something about his figure made Olivia frown, however: he was staring with an unwavering look at her small but eye-catching pot of yellow daffodils that were almost as much of a pet to them as Stitch at this point. Sensing that there’s something definitely off about his semblance, she made a mental note to talk to him and find out what’s wrong later. So she goes back to the kitchen, knowing that he might need this quiet and private moment for himself.

She lost count of the minutes that went by (couldn't have been more than five) before she hears the garden's door opening and closing, and then his bare feet are dragging his brawny body to her. Except, he goes over to the sink, walking right through her, not showing any sign that he even saw her hunched figure over the counter table in the middle of the room.

Alright, someone's in a mood.

Olivia tries to swallow the annoyance already bubbling inside her – he knows how much she hates to be ignored, no matter how mad he might be – by trying to think of what she can say that won't piss him off. This is always a hard feat to accomplish when Ashton gets in these moods, but there’s a reason for them to work so well together.

“I missed my favorite body heater when I woke up,” she says in her best sweet voice, knowing how quickly his resolve crumbles when he hears that voice.

Still, no reaction.

That settles a worry at the pit of her stomach, because Ashton is never like this. Even when he's not in the mood to talk, he always gives some kind of reaction to her words; it doesn't matter how small, just enough to make her feel acknowledged.

When he's finished washing his mug and the few scattered dishes across the sink – she noticed that he already had lunch, if the lone plate in the drying rack is anything to go by –, he dries his hand in a towel, turns around and throws it on top of the same counter Olivia was leaning up against. Once again, he walks away not even sparing her a look.

Indignant, she leaves the now empty coffee mug on top of the table and follows him as he walks up the stairs, any determination to not aggravate his mood now well gone.

“Hey! In case you didn't notice, I'm right here. Whatever got you in this sour mood, I'm certainly not to blame, so can you stop being a child now and talk to me?!”

Ashton just keeps walking – more like sluggishly dragging his body – until he reaches their bedroom and suddenly stops just merely two feet inside the room, looking around with vacant eyes; like he was expecting to see something that wasn't there.

“Okay, that's really mature of you. Are you planning on ignoring me all day then?” Olivia questions exasperated, staring angrily at the back of his neck, where the condor tattoo lives – her favorite of his, but that sight doesn't bring her any peace today like it usually does.

Her glare only breaks when she hears the familiar sound of dog tags swaying on her right side. Shifting her gaze to the direction of the sound, Olivia notices Stitch, their small, black & white French bulldog – who she thought was outside in the garden – slowly trudging his way from around the bed until he stops at Ashton's feet, looking up at one of his humans with sad eyes. That realization only makes the worry in her stomach grow uncomfortably.

“Hi buddy,” Ashton's voice cracks a bit from the lack of use, but he smiles softly at the sweet dog, and crouches down to pet him.

Olivia can't help but gasp as she notices three things all at once that leave her overwhelmed: first, how she didn't even notice Stitch was in the room when she woke up – which never ever happens, in fact, most days he wakes her up whenever he deems her bedtime as finished and can't ever contain his excitement when she finally gets up; second, how the windows blinds are closed, which, again, rarely occurs under their roof, not if Ashton can help it. And third, how sad and melancholic the whole scene in front of her is – how sad and melancholic Ashton is. Pointless to say by now – that's also a very rare occasion.

A chill creeps up Olivia's spine, putting her body into high alert and also serving as a reminder of how everything looks out of place today. Trying to keep her head from spiraling down way too soon, she wraps her arms around herself and crouches down beside her two favorite boys, trying once more.

“Ash? Can you hear me?” even with her throat closing, she softly asks, purposefully putting her face in Ashton's point of view. Her only answer is the low whispers he's letting out to Stitch, while cradling the tiny dog in his arms, spreading gentle kisses on his head.

“I know, bud, I know. I miss her too,” is the only whisper she could understand and immediately wishes she hadn't. The weak wail that comes from Stitch's throat seems to fit perfectly with how the three of them feel.

Ashton then looks up and for a couple of seconds, and Olivia can swear he’s staring right into her eyes. But when he shows no reaction, she knows he’s just staring ahead and not at her, with that look that says there’s too much going on inside his head. She feels the urge to embrace him and get him to talk about whatever is on his mind, so they can share that weight like they always do, but when Ashton gets up from the ground and settles on the bed with Stitch, Olivia can physically feel the crack in her heart caused by the feeling she’s left with.

While Ashton is pulling the duvet over him and the dog, with clearly no intentions of getting up anytime soon, Olivia stands up on her feet with a new-found determination – she needs to figure out what the hell is going on.

This nightmare had to be just that, right? Nothing but a very vivid dream – she's had those before. Scary sure, but they always go away, and soon enough she's back into Ashton's arms, with Stitch jumping on the bed ready to lick their faces off. She just needs to wake herself up from whatever fucked up dream this is – right?

She's running down the stairs this time, frantically in search of something, of what exactly, she doesn’t know – but she knows she needs an answer. The more she looks for something, the more desperate she gets, not knowing what to look for. Then suddenly, something catches her eyes.

The white and blue calendar that's held up by magnets on the side of the fridge. She knows their calendar is red and yellow. They got it from their favorite flower market. Slowly, as if scared of what it might be there – “It's just a calendar, for fucks sake” – she approaches the damn thing. Upon inspection, she deems it as a normal calendar – she really doesn't know what she was expecting – until.

She knows what's wrong with it now.

It's November. She knows it, because the Asian and last leg of her first world tour is about to begin November 21st, eleven days from today. Right after Mike's birthday, she knows this.

Then why does the calendar say today is January 14th?

☆ ☆ ☆

Ashton woke up with a jolt. He quickly sat up, frightening the little Frenchie that was asleep right next to him on the bed. Trying to make sense of his surroundings, he roughly rubbed his face to get some sleep off of it and soon reached for the dog that was staring at him with sleepy but sad eyes. Ashton is sure Stitch understands far more than a dog is supposed to understand about their current situation.

The room is covered in shadows, almost pitch black, but he can see the sunlight even through the thick dark grey blinds covering up the windows. Ashton knows he won't be able to sleep again at that moment, so he gets up from the bed – much slower than he used to. His heartbeat is still out of control because of the nightmare that woke him up, but he can't bother to pay attention to it when Stitch is softly wailing beside him. Ashton lets out a ghost of a smile when the dog rests his head on his right upper thigh, looking up at him with an expression Ashton knows all too well.

“C'mon you little ravenous creature, let's feed you,” the bulldog excitedly jumps to the ground, already running his way down the stairs, not even waiting for Ashton to get up.

That gets a real smile out of him, but it vanishes as soon as he glances at the alarm clock on his bedside table. It reads 5:13 am, nothing out of the ordinary for him. But that small and inoffensive clock, with its red paint peeling off, holds a lot of memories for him. Memories that two months ago would bring joy to his heart, but now he almost wants to throw the object across the room.

It was a stupid thing, really. He had been wanting a vintage alarm clock and Olivia got one for his birthday. But the product they received was definitely not the one she bought, and if he's being honest, he didn't like it as much as he made out to. But seeing her so excited in the weeks before it arrived, and how disappointed she was when it did, he couldn't help but try his best to make her smile that luminous smile again. It's part of his nature by now.

That's also the reason why he lets her think that he doesn't notice when she wakes up at some ungodly hour (her words, not his) along with him, because of the annoying and only sound the alarm clock is able to produce. He always leaves soft kisses in every inch of bare skin he can find on her sleeping figure, so she goes back to the dream land and doesn't wake up before 10 am. No one wants to deal with that kind of bad humor, not even him.

As much as he likes being a morning person and absolutely enjoys her company in the mornings, he knows she'll take any and every extra hour of sleep she can get before starting the day. And that's why he loves that she's so stubborn that his early bird tendencies never got to her – he knows she feared that this would happen when they moved in together, but he met her like this, fell for her like this. He wouldn't change a single thing about her.

Ashton drags himself out of the bed, wincing slightly at how cold the wooden floors are under his bare feet. He doesn't bother putting some socks on, or a sweater – the cold weather in the house is uncharacteristically comforting to him. Nothing feels warm without her anyway.

While descending the stairs, he mentally curses himself for not being strong enough to look past the picture frames on the wall. One in particular catches his eyes – a picture from the night of Olivia's first concert with her band. The memories of that night are still painfully vivid in his mind: the laughter among their group that eventually infected everyone at the pub, Suki and Luke's first kiss and the silly smile that didn't leave his best friend's face all night, the standing ovation Olivia got after her three-songs set, and her captivating and breathtaking smile that made him realize right then and there, while watching her sway to the music, that he was definitely falling in love with her and there was nothing he could do to stop it – not that he wanted to.

So many memories held up on that wall, in the relatively short time since they met, that he can't help but wonder if that's all they'll get in this lifetime.

Ashton is abruptly taken out of his thoughts by Stitch's barks coming from the bottom of the stairs. He quickly jogs down the few steps left and goes straight after the dog's food in the kitchen's cabinet. After Stitch starts to happily devour his breakfast, Ashton goes to make his coffee, doing enough for two people like he always does, since Calum drops by most days for a chat or to drop Duke before going to work. Although all three of them know he just can't bother to make food for himself in the morning, while Ashton is the group's elected chef. Ashton always says he just needs a boyfriend – Olivia says Calum already has one who makes him breakfast every day.

He grabs an apple from the fridge and makes his way outside to their garden. Even though a lot of their memories took place there, the garden is the only space in the house where he doesn't feel like suffocating all the time. At least here, he can breathe some fresh air and look at the sky when he's feeling overwhelmed – which is basically all he's been doing for about a month now.

Yet, a lot of the garden has Olivia's name written all over.

He remembers vividly the day she came home after spending two weeks in LA doing some pocket shows, with a pack of daffodil seeds and the largest smile. She excitedly told him that a friend gifted it to her when she mentioned the little garden they were planning to build together at their new house. The friend told Olivia that daffodils symbolize rebirth and new beginnings, so as the good lover of symbolism that she is, Olivia loved the idea of having those flowers to symbolize their new beginning.

Ashton, on the other hand, wasn't a fan of the flowers at first – he just didn't see the appeal to them. But nonetheless, he indulged her, letting Olivia plant the seeds near the bench they used to sit during the quiet and unrushed afternoons, so they could admire the sunset, and she could happily look at the daffodils.

Pointless to say – the damn flowers grew on him.

Now, however, looking at them without Olivia and her contagious joy next to him, they were back to be as dull as they were before, if not more so.

Still lost inside his head without any sense of how much time went by since he sat down, Ashton doesn't hear the front door closing, and doesn't notice that he's no longer the only person inside the house until someone sits next to him on the bench. Yet, he doesn't show any sign of acknowledgement to them.

A few minutes go by before either of them speaks up.

“Luke said you didn't go to see her yesterday,” Calum starts softly, not wanting to disturb the calmness of the morning.

Ashton takes a few seconds to respond, “No point in doing that.” The black haired man licks his lips while thinking carefully about his next words.

“You know staying inside this house all day by yourself won't help either,” Calum turns his head to his left and takes a good look at Ashton's uncharacteristically hunched over figure, and immediately thinks that anyone can tell this man is not himself anymore. His second thought is that Olivia would hate seeing him like this.

“And what exactly do you expect me to do? Move on with my life like nothing happened? Like I'm not slowly and painfully losing the love of my life? Just because it’s easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for me.”

Calum closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knows Ashton doesn't mean it, it's the anger and frustration talking. He knows it. Doesn't make it sting any less.

“I'm not telling you to move on with your life, because that's far from what I'm doing, and I certainly don't expect you to do it. I'm just saying you need to occupy your mind or else–”

“I'll go insane? Think it's a bit too late for that,” Ashton interrupts with a bitter tone that doesn't belong to his usual chirpy voice.

“You know it's not,” Calum sighs and drinks the rest of his coffee, moving his body slightly, so he's facing the blonde man, “I got a job interview for you at that school you talked about so much last summer, the principal said you can go any day this week. I went ahead and sent her your resume as well as explained everything that she needs to know about Olivia, so you don't have to. You just gotta put on some decent clothes and show up.” he sees Ashton's face softening a little and takes it as a victory. A few beats go by and then, “Maybe take a shower too. That's gonna make you feel better.” Calum leans in closer to his friend's personal space and takes a sniff, causing Ashton to deflect from him slightly, but not to push him away – another small win.

“Definitely take a shower, you stink. When was the last time your hair saw shampoo?”

“Fuck off,” is Ashton's only reply to the younger man's inquest. But Calum can see a smile creeping up on the blonde's face, which brings out a smile of his own.

“I'll send you all the details later today,” he checks the hour on the watch on his wrist and gets up, “Just please, Ash, go. I can't lose you too.”

Calum gently lays a hand on Ashton's shoulder and squeezes a little. The man doesn't look up, but gives a curt nod to his friend, who's satisfied enough. Calum stops on the threshold of the garden glass doors to give some kisses to Stitch – who came to make Ashton company as soon as he finished his food –, and then he puts the coffee mug on the dishwater. And soon enough, he's on his way out of the door. But not before snatching a tangerine from the fridge.

Ashton is left by himself once again. As he hears the sound of the front door closing, he thinks that this might be his life from now on. Just him and Stitch, trying their hardest to make it through another miserable day without the love of their lives. While everyone else comes by just to make sure he's still breathing. Breathing, maybe, but alive?

Swallowing the tears, he looks up at the sky. It's a deep, beautiful mix of orange, pink and blue, but he knows that it won't last long and soon the rain will be pouring down. He thinks about how much Olivia loves the rain.

God, he needs to pull himself together. She would hate to see him like this. Maybe he should take Calum's offer after all, he really needs to occupy his mind.

Making a mental note to thank Calum later, and also to apologize for how rude he was to him this morning, Ashton slowly gets up from the bench to put his mug on the sink and makes his way to the living room, with the small dog loyally following his every step. He puts on some cartoon that for once doesn't remind him of her (she always lovingly made fun of him for still watching those) and cuddles with Stitch on the couch. He can take a shower later.

Not half an hour goes by, he falls asleep and has a good dream for a change. He dreams of the days he spent with Olivia in the Philippines last February, right before her first world tour started. Some of the most magical days of their lives – surrounded by delicious food, a whole new culture to learn about and the warmth of the sun. Infinite counted days full of love and passion, where they were the only people in the world.

Even his subconscious knows to hold on to that brief moment of happiness, because he might never live that again.

[shades-of-stony]

Time Travel Stony Fanfic

Character from the Future travels to the Past 

A Shadow Hanging Over Our Fate by CaptainDean13

Summary: The Avengers get sent back in time to WWII where they run into the Howling Commandos... complete with Bucky and Steve. Little hard to explain that away, especially when you are trying to keep some major secrets. Secrets like how you ended up in the future and why the hell Bucky is now a scary (reformed) assassin with a metal arm, not to mention that you married your friend's son.

Note: A 1000/10 READ. THIS IS SO FREAKIN’ GOOD THAT I READ IT 3 TIMES SINCE I FIRST FOUND IT LAST YEAR. It’s a nice and well written time travel fic with the howling commandos and past Steve and Bucky!!

A New Way For Us by ann2who

Summary: They fight Thanos—and they’re losing. And before Tony knows what’s happening, he’s standing with Doctor Strange in front of the Eye of Agamotto and gets send back in time. Can he find a way to fix things this time around, or are they doomed to fall apart all over again?

Note: This is where Tony went back in time to fix everything that went wrong and prepare for the arrival of Thanos! Due to an unexpected twist of fate, he found himself getting closer to Steve of all people!  

Two More Miracles (To Be A Saint) by queenpenthesilea

Summary: “Get up, Stark, you sleep too much. You said you would teach me paper football.”

Tony’s eyes snapped open. No. No. Had it all been a dream? Had he just imagined five years – five years - of an idyllic life, complete with a beautiful, wonderful daughter? He pushed himself up, looking around; he was on the Milano – he was on the fucking Milano, and either this was a really weird version of hell or everything had been a dream. Or, a little voice whispered, something had gone horribly, horribly wrong with the infinity stones.

Note: A nice and juicy post-Endgame Time Travel fanfic!! Though, this one held a few what ifs. 

Saving the World is a 12 Step Program by janonny

Summary: Tony and Steve fall to pieces when Thanos’ wins.

Then they pick themselves up, and find a solution. They also find something infinitely more precious in the process.

-

“It’s going to sound pretty outrageous,” Tony admitted, rubbing a hand over his brow. While he had put on some weight and wasn’t as gaunt anymore, he was still easily tired nowadays.

“More outrageous than talking racoons and a purple villain traveling through space to collect magic stones?” Steve asked drily.

Note: This is another post-Endgame fanfic but with a twist and different take on the whole time travel!

Oh, Snap by wedelia

Summary: Peter wakes up, and he’s simultaneously five years too early and right on time.

Or, Post-Endgame Peter goes back in time and accidentally-on-purpose gets Steve and Tony together before the initial snap happens. And, oh, yeah—he also recruits a former-Air-Force-pilot-turned-galactic-hero, has lunch with Black Widow, and somehow befriends Nick Fury. This changes things.

Note: It’s Peter who time travels this time around!!

If We Never Got This Second Chance by Pookaseraph

Summary: When Tony and Steve’s son from the future, Jake Jensen, arrives at Avenger’s Tower, the two of them are forced to confront some hard truths: Tony that he might not actually become a horrible father, and Steve that he might not be able to set aside his discomfort with sharing a child with another man. When they both get a second chance at a first try at fatherhood, it’s up to the two of them to learn from their own future's past.

Note: Anyone up for some future son time travel? Enjoy this nicely written fanfic of Stony’s future son traveling and meeting the past versions of his parents! Past versions that are not even together yet! Things are about to get weird for Steve and Tony. 

Your Name on Every Wall by Sineala

Summary: The Time Gem throws Steve into the past rather than the future, and in doing so, it gives him the opportunity to undo his past mistakes. But when it turns out that all of his mistakes involve Tony Stark, Steve begins to wonder if he's ever going to be able to mend things between them.

Note: A unique plot where Steve travels to the future and realizes what he is missing on!

Together, At Dawn by RoseGoldAmpersand

Summary: Steve returns the Infinity Stones to New York and finds himself in conversation with Tony of the past. More mature and willing to listen to Tony he realises that what he previously thought were taunts was actually Tony flirting with him.

In light of this new discovery and alone in Tony’s workshop after the battle of New York, one thing leads to another...

Note: ohhhhh, some juicy smut anyone?

  Don't Look Back, You Can Never Look Back. by iL0Vsuperman

Summary: Tony Stark: billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, and, now, superhero.

It’d only been a few months prior that he’d revealed to the world he was Iron Man and life couldn’t be better.

That is…until he stumbled upon an old abandoned Hydra lab and kinda set off one of their machines by accident. A blast of blue light later and he found himself in the same lab…only it is seventy years earlier and it is full of Hydra agents.

Cue the entrance of the Howling Commandos led by Tony’s childhood hero, Captain America.

Suddenly, Tony is living out a dream. He’s joining up with the Commandos in the search to get Tony back to his right era. It’s the adventure of a lifetime and, at first, it’s amazing…but then he and Steve connect in ways more than just friendship and he finds that he is torn between wanting to stay with him or go back home.

In the end, whatever the result, he loses.

Note: Tony meets his childhood heroes-the Howling Commandos and Captain America! 

The Future is Yet in Your Power by FestiveFerret

Summary: "Now." Wong leaned back in his chair. "What would you do to save this world from Thanos' attack? What would you sacrifice?"

"Anything," Steve said. "Anything at all."

Wong considered him for a moment, expression unreadable. "There's one thing, maybe."

Note: This is nice fanfic about Steve putting everything on the line to hopefully make a change. 

The Good or Bad Thing by petreparkour for SeetheSea

summary: “It’s the metal suit,” Thor informed Steve, his normally-booming voice tinny over the SHIELD comms. “What did Stark call it—Iron Man?”

“But he’s down here,” Steve protested as the Hulk roared in Stark’s face, startling him into waking with a shout. “How could—”“It’s damaged,” Thor reported. “But it looks different. More advanced. And he—ah. He’s carrying you, Captain.”

“Please tell me nobody kissed me,” Stark breathed out, and then Stark’s voice suddenly came over the comms, but the man lying next to him hadn’t moved.“

Guys, come on, you’re killing me here. What is it, 2012? God, I hate time travel. First, I'm fighting Thanos. Now, I have to deal with my past self and Thor's bad haircut? Oh my God, Cap, yes I hacked their comms, they’re my comms.”

Steve nearly opened his mouth to protest that he hadn’t said anything when he realized that this replica of Tony Stark wasn’t speaking to him.

Note: Future Tony and Steve accidentally traveling in the past!

  Character from the Past travels to the Future

hold the things you wanna say by SailorChibi

Summary: Tony is still a consultant, and between SI, the team and SHIELD he's overworked and exhausted. That's okay.

He and Steve have been having sex for weeks but that's all it is, just sex, and Tony wants more but he'll never get it and that's okay. Really.

What's not okay is the fact that Howard Stark has somehow appeared in the future and is the same as always.

This is definitely going to fuck up his schedule.

Note: ANGST! READY YOUR TISSUES.

Twice Upon a Time by TsaritsaElena

Summary: Tony Stark has never had an easy relationship with his father, but when Howard Stark circa 1983 time travels to the future in a freak accident, things get even more complicated, especially since Tony is dating his dad’s idol, Captain America, and Howard doesn’t know. As they work toward a solution that will restore Howard to his own timeline, will Tony get a second chance at a father-son relationship with his dad, or is he in for more of the same unforgiving treatment from Howard? Time travel, Avengers missions, and a secret project of Howard’s: things at Stark Tower are about to get a little crazy.

Note: SOME MORE ANGST AND HOWARD TRAVELLING TO THE FUTURE. 

The Future Is Ours (Whether We Want It Or Not) by ann2who

Summary: After a hit from the Time Stone, Steve switches places with his future self.

Note: Another of Steve traveling to the future! Though this time, it features both timeline! Both POV of the past and future! 

Ordinary Men by RiaRose

Summary: "Aren't you at all happy to see me?" Howard shot back, holding his glass out and pointing with his index finger. At Steve's stony face, he dropped his arm. "Want a glass?" he tried, picking up an empty tumbler, "This is good stuff."

"Tony doesn't skimp on - well - anything. And no, thank you."

"Was that Tony?" he queried, gesturing toward the hallway the other man had disappeared down. Steve nodded but didn't give any more information, so Howard repeated his earlier question, "Aren't you happy to see me?"

It took Steve a moment to answer. Howard could see his jaw working. 

"No, not anymore."

OR

In which Howard travels to the future and just messes up everybody's day, Steve is conflicted, and Tony is a piping hot mess, as per usual. It's not going to be easy, but Steve and Tony have to somehow navigate through Howard's arrival and the strain it puts on their relationship.

Note: From the summary alone, you can tell that THIS WILL BE ANGSTY. 

To Have My Time Again... by WilmaKins

Summary: It's been two years since Siberia, and Tony Stark is still dealing with the fallout - personal and political. Life is quite complicated enough, without Bruce falling through a wizards roof yelling that Thanos is coming.

Thor and Loki are stalling, but time is running out. The fate of the universe is at stake. Steve Rogers is back in the picture. Really, the last thing Tony needs is for their plan to go horribly wrong and bring Howard Stark forward in time.

But his Dad *is* standing in his office, whether he likes it or not.

So, it looks like Tony will have to fix that mess too.

Note: There is just something about Howard-travels-to-the-future fanfics. 

Howard Stark Meets The Avengers by SerlinaBlack

Summary: Howard Stark unknowingly travels to the future with his son and wife. Luckily the heroes of the future were somewhat ready for it. Unluckily , they don't seem to like him very much

Alternative summery: when will Howard learn? Not now lmao.

Note: ANOTHER ONE.

[gins-potter]

ummm so i did a thing and wrote some hp next gen hc’s fuck you j.k the order they’re written is the age order (idk if there is a canonical age order for all the weasley cousins but this is my take anyway) under the cut because this is long

Teddy Remus Lupin.

hufflepuff

pansexual 

soft boy who can and will make friends with absolutely everyone

his family use he/him pronouns out of habit but he’s open to any pronouns

has 5 parents in his mind, remus, tonks, andromeda, harry, and ginny

calls ginny and harry, mum and dad, and lives with them for a while after he graduates hogwarts

making head boy is one of his proudest moments and he never saw it coming because he’s a bit of a troublemaker

but his troublemaking is usually limited to sneaking out of bed to get food from the kitchen, and changing into teachers to scare students

is one of those people that is genuinely liked by everyone, teachers and students

even filch can’t bring himself to yell at that cheerful smile

doesn’t play quidditch, but watches because so many of his family members play

but watching also makes him nervous because he’s scared someone will get hurt

his feelings for victoire kind of come out of nowhere the year after he graduates hogwarts and she’s no longer there teasing him

they don’t get together until victoire is of age though because although he’ll never admit it, bill scares the hell out of him

wants to be a healer after hogwarts

Victoire Weasley.

ravenclaw

the sorting hat almost put her in slytherin

considered going to beauxbatons, but didn’t want to move away

hates the dumb blonde trope and works her ass off to get at least an E in all her subjects

despite hating being mistaken for just a pretty face, she does have an impeccable fashion sense, and her makeup is always on point

wishes she and her sister were closer, and it takes until they’re in their seventh and fifth years respectively to realise how similar they are

lives to intimidate people

and loves seeing the looks on boys faces when they realise how smart she is

and she really is scary smart

has this witty, banter going with teddy but is in denial about what it means until she’s in her sixth year and realises oh crap she’s in love with him

has a ridiculously complicated coffee order, which teddy knows off by heart

incidentally the first time he orders for her, getting it perfect, of course, is also the moment she realises she’s in love with him

is the eldest official weasley/potter child and finds it s t r e s s f u l

thinks her siblings/cousins are crazy

ends up teaming up with James and Molly to keep them all in line

James Sirius Potter.

gryffindor

jock™

joins the gryffindor team in his second year, plays chaser, and is good enough to give both his mother and his grandfather a run for their money

shameless flirt and acts so much like his two name-sakes that it sometimes makes mcgonagall catch her breath when he winks brazenly at her in the middle of transfiguration

becomes the first half of a brother duo to play for the english national team

feels a lot of pressure to keep up good grades, keep the gryffindor team winning (especially after he’s made captain in his sixth year), look after all his siblings and cousins, and maintain the happy-go-lucky attitude that he’s come to be known for

is diagnosed with anxiety during his seventh year

harry cries when james tells him how dark he’d been feeling

lily researches plants that are proven to lift spirits and brings them to him until he feels like smiling again

has his father’s crazy hair (though his are auburn curls) and his grandfather’s hazel eyes

unlike his brother he likes hearing how much he looks like his family

Dominique Weasley.

slytherin

feels like the night to victoire’s day

takes her coffee black

likes to wear ripped jeans and old band shirts

dyes her hair

would never admit it but lily luna is her favourite cousin

gets a tattoo of a snake down her spine when she’s fifteen and her parents hit the roof and ground her for the entire summer

she expected her dad at least to be cool about it

likes boys and girls, but thinks most of them are idiots

has the best eyeliner game in the school

is fiercely protective of her little brother

never even considered going to beauxbatons

even though they annoy her most of the time she could never be away from her family that long

also loves to intimidate people

wishes her sister wasn’t so perfect all the time because she thinks it puts more pressure on her to be better

Molly Weasley II.

gryffindor

is dyslexic but it took everyone a long time to realise it

thought for a long time that she was just too dumb to get above an acceptable in any of her classes

rose eventually works it out, and it gets better after that

or at least her teachers are a bit more considerate

is a whiz at classes where she doesn’t have to write a lot of essays

loves care of magical creatures and helps Hagrid teach Grawp English

her uncle charlie is her favourite uncle and considers running away to live with him in her fourth year

has a very strained relationship with her father because he tends to be very impatient with her and used to say she wasn’t trying hard enough in school

really good at sewing and cooking (much like her namesake) and can usually be found in the kitchen of the weasley house experimenting on a new recipe

gives the best presents

is the best at wrangling the weasley/potter brood

is that person who remembers every single birthday, anniversary, favourite colour, pet’s names and so on

shameless romantic

Rose Granger-Weasley.

gryffindor

everyone is surprised af when she gets sorted into gryffindor, including rose, but she grows to love the crazy, loud house

is in love with scorpius for about 3 months in third year but gets over it pretty quickly when she sees the way scorpius looks at her cousin

so she just settles back and waits for them to figure it out

pretends like she hates quidditch but has a secret love for it that only her dad knows about

and she of course supports the chudley cannons

is one of those annoying ‘gets perfect marks without studying’ type of people

likes to rock the space buns look with her cousin roxanne

thinks she might be ace/aro but really isn’t sure

her mum is her hero

goes through a rebellious phase in the summer between her fifth and sixth years, and lives with her aunt ginny and uncle harry for a few weeks

is the first person to realise her cousin molly is dyslexic

Scorpius Malfoy.

ravenclaw

is the first malfoy in history to not be in slytherin

thinks albus potter in glasses is the hottest thing

thought his father would hate him for being sorted into ravenclaw

he doesn’t

thought his father would hate him for being gay

he doesn’t

his father tells him once that raising him is the best thing he’s ever done and it’s one of the most important things anyone has ever said to him

professional piner

is in love with al since almost the first time he ever saw him

plays chaser in his 4th and 5th years but is really glad when they find a replacement for him

he prefers watching his boyfriend play

loves his mother

kinda hates his grandparents and hates himself for that

when he’s in The Zone™ good luck getting his attention

has a tendency to hyperfixate

hates parties but goes because al and rose like them

has a touch of social anxiety

Albus Severus Potter.

slytherin

tries out for the slytherin team in his first year, but isn’t selected

is called in to play for the grand final against gryffindor that year when the other seeker is injured, they lose but it’s still one of the best moments of his life and makes him the second youngest person to play for a hogwarts team after his father

goes on to play on the english national team with his brother

is best friends with rose and scorpius

is constantly being told by teachers how much the three of them remind them of his father, uncle ron, and aunt hermione

likes boys

knows he likes boys pretty much from birth (his parents are also unsurprised when he tells them)

doesn’t work out that he’s in love with scorpius until they’re in their fifth year, and it still takes them most of the year to get their shit together

needs glasses but hates wearing them, so he usually wears contacts

is always down for a nap

Louis Weasley.

hufflepuff

came the closest to studying abroad, but just before he was set to start he had a minor panic attack and realised he couldn’t do it

he was worried for a long time that his mum was secretly disappointed that he went to hogwarts just like his siblings, but she told him she could never be disappointed in him

he knew from a young age that he had been born into the wrong body but wasn’t able to tell his family until he was around 10, 

he didn’t want to go to hogwarts with no one knowing who he really was

his parents didn’t pretend like they had always known, but they accepted him nonetheless

always harboured a hero-worship-lowkey-crush on teddy which eventually developed into a mutual friendship, despite the almost 10 year age gap

plays seeker on the hufflepuff team only because they desperately need a seeker and lucy begs him

loves his older sisters but wishes they weren’t so protective

sometimes wishes he was closer to fred, lucy, and roxanne who are all in his year and are very close but then remembers that they’re all crazy and if he hung with them more he’d probably be in detention every week

loves muggle studies and wants to work with muggles after hogwarts

collects muggle coins 

Roxanne Weasley.

gryffindor

practically invented the space buns look

holographic aesthetic

friends with everyone

headgirl

is friendly with absolutely everyone but also plays beater so people are very ???

likes being a twin and usually gets pulled into fred and lucy’s crazy schemes

has the highest detention record of any head girl ever, but most of those are fred and lucy’s fault

the one detention that actually is her fault is when she throws her beaters bat at her brother because he let slip who she had a crush on in the middle of commentating a quidditch match

it worked out pretty well in the end because the girl found her after the quidditch match to ask her out

one third of the unholy trinity (lucy came up with the name)

she’s the third who tries to keep them out of trouble

has the chillest nature and can’t stand to see any of her family hurt

wishes uncle percy wasn’t so hard on molly

is one soft lesbian

physically incapable of holding a grudge

Fred Weasley II.

gryffindor

doesn’t play quidditch but takes after his godfather and commentates

likes to try and throw his sister off her game when she’s playing quidditch

second third of the unholy trinity

honestly does not know how he gets in so much trouble all the time

seriously wonders if he was born without impulse control

like it’s not his fault that he’s curious about absolutely everything and has the patience of an excited puppy

is really good at charms

always knows the most obscure spells

has no idea what he wants to do after he leaves school but isn’t worried about that

Lucy Weasley.

hufflepuff

plays chaser

troublemaker ™

last third of the unholy trinity (the name was her idea)

her and lily are either the best of friends or the worst of enemies (there is no inbetween)

god help you when they’re at each other's throat because their arguments could wipe out city blocks

you can imagine how much worse they are when they’re teaming up

thinks she maybe wants to be an auror after leaving school

her dad hates the idea

which of course makes her want to do it even more

loves mystery novels and can always guess the ending by about halfway

thinks her uncle harry is the coolest

invites herself along on lorcan’s world travels after he finishes hogwarts

loves to smack him over the back of the head when he gets too obnoxious

but secretly loves it when he starts ranting about the topics he’s studying

Lorcan Scamander.

ravenclaw

smart boy

thinks his mum is kinda nuts but loves her anyway

thinks his brother is kinda nuts but loves him anyway

doesn’t know how he got basically adopted into the weasley/potter family but can’t bring himself to be mad about it

loves arithmancy and nerding out with hermione about it

wants to do too many things after he leaves hogwarts

ends up taking some time off to travel for a bit and learn more about the different wizarding cultures

lucy surprises everyone and invites herself along as a break after she finishes her auror training

no one can work out if they hate each other or are secretly dating

lysander can’t work out if he hates her or wants to kiss her

Lysander Scamander.

hufflepuff

eptimosises the dumb blonde stereotype

too pretty for his own good

gets shoved into keeper position on the hufflepuff team because no one else can/wants to play, and is The Worst

gets distracted by cool clouds and pretty butterflies during quidditch games

finds that he actually really likes quidditch because it turns out he loves flying

he still sucks at keeping of course

but at least he’s having fun now

thinks his mum is a genius

pansexual

knows that hugo is the one for him as soon as they start dating

favourite thing is the way hugo’s ears go red when he’s flustered

thinks ron is hilarious

Lily Luna Potter.

slytherin

smol, smol, smol child

is five feet of pure rage, sass, and protectiveness

will fuck up anyone who messes with her family

parents started her in quidditch to help vent her frustrations but quickly grows to love the game, or at least being able to hit the fuck out bludgers

plant nerd

starts a herbology club with her uncle neville (who she refuses to call professor longbottom no matter how many times he reminds her)

she is one smol lesbian

hates it when james is going through his anxiety because for the first time kicking someone’s ass won’t fix it

less than zero impulse control

she finds an old photograph of her mum rocking an undercut and immediately goes for the electric razor

the end result is horrible, and she ends up calling victoire and dominique to fix it for her

did i mention she’s super smol?  

thinks that her dad doesn’t understand her very much but cries a little when uncle neville let’s slip that he’s been borrowing herbology books to learn more about her favourite subject

works with troubled teens after she leaves hogwarts

works out at age eight that is she arranges her cousins a certain way in family photos they can spell out bad words with the letters on their sweaters

her parents don’t know if they should be angry or impressed.

Hugo Granger-Weasley

ravenclaw

is the quieter kind of smart compared to his sister, who is always correcting people

surprises the fuck out of people when he’s put in ravenclaw and gets near perfect grades at hogwarts

studies a lot

is the only person who can beat his dad at chess

has a bad habit of falling asleep while reading

is jealous of how good all his cousins are at quidditch, and thinks for a long time that his dad is disappointed because he’s too scared of heights to play

is a self-confessed morosexual and is shamelessly in love with lysander scamander

almost gets stuck on the hogwarts express one time because he was too busy reading to realise they’d arrived

prefect

always has ink stains on his hands

usually gets said ink in lysander’s hair when they kiss

has a thing for lysander’s blonde curls

[billyboisfangirlarmy]

Dare Me

Part 1

Dare me part 2!! (SO HIGHLY REQUESTED! I LOVE IT THANK YOU!)

And he held her close for the first time. This new found heat coming from within her was relishing. He moved even closer to her. Their lips just about to meet…

I turn the TV off and scoff tossing the remote across from me. The two girls look at me with wide eyes and gamping mouths. “Close your lips ladies!” I wink at both of them as I smirk to myself. Julie stands next to my laying form fuming. “Why would you cut it off? It was getting so good!” I laugh shaking my head.

Carly tilts her head and nods knowingly. “This is about her not thinking love exists.” Julie gasps a hand over her mouth shocked. “You don’t believe in love (y/n) Tozier? You? Of all people!” I shrug simply. “It’s nothing honestly. I mean I’ve never seen it, not experience it so why do i have a reason to try or even have the effort.” “But you’ve liked guys before!” I smile at her protests. “Ture, but I’ve never felt what it’s like to love someone else. I’ve never felt the yearn for their attention or get pleasure out of feeling their touch. I’ve never missed anyone of my relationships before. I’m just living Jules. Take it or leave it honey!”

I grab my 4th bottle and begin to down whatever it contained. As I stand moving to her balcony (completely ignoring what she was going on about) opening the doors and stepping outside. I place a blunt between my lips lighting up the slider cylinder with ease. I draw my breath in, hold, and back out again. Another couple minutes passed and most of my blunt had passed away to ash.

I hadn’t taken the effort to look around my view. I look up at the night sky astonished by the many bright stars that appar. I look to my left and see the trees looking dark and ombuns. I look to my right and suddenly the trees look more inviting. My eyes met the cold one of the famous psycho in Derry; Patrick Hockstetter.

His lanky finger leaned up against Belch’s balkony chugging his beers and tossing them at trees to see them bust. He hadn’t noticed me at all. As i crouch crouch down to try and get even further away from his eyesight the door swings open and a drunk Julie appears. “Hey (y/n)! Oh I missed you! What are you doing on the ground? Get up and hug me bitch!” She pulls me up from my sitting position and wraps me in her arms. I move my eyes to Partick and he’s way ahead of me. His eyes are boring into mine and his lips are in a devious smirk. He waves and turns on his heels; the smirk becoming wider as he leaves.

“Damnit Julie why did you have to be such a good friend. Coming out here just because you missed me! I love you, But dammit! I’m fucked now.” Carly furrows her eyebrows in confusion. “Patrick saw me when your drunk ass walk out here.” Jule hugs me apologizing a hundred times over.

Carly shrugs her shoulders. “Maybe he won’t tell them.” As if on cue a hard knock was heard on the door.

Bang, bang, bang.

None of us dared go open it. Instead of doing anything we just looked at eachother.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Harder the knocks rang through the wooden plate blocking them from us. Carly and I look at each other and not knowingly.

“1… 2… 3…”

We push Julie to the door and hide the best we can. I go outside closing the doors behind me and climbing onto the roof of the house. “Oh, this is so stupid!”

3rd POV:

As (y/n) rushed to the roof, Carly hid in the closet (typical). Julie walked up to the door and opened it to see Patrick and Belch. “Hey there Jelly Bean! Quick question. I smell something fishy in here. Mind if I take a look?” Patrick and Belch push their way through. Belch looking sorry as they do. Patrick searches the whole room, finding Carly in the process, but no (Y/n) Tozier. He walks outside jumps to see the roof, but he still didn’t see her. He shakes his head laughing. “If she’s here she’ll have to come out some time.” With a shrug the boys brought the girls away from the room and down the steps where they were convinced to have a movie night together.

(Y/n) Tozier sits on top on the roof for another 10 minutes about to freeze at this point; the october weather nipping at her. She slides down the roof and steps her way onto the rail of the balcony. Once on the solid wood she grasps the handel and gives it a twist.

Locked.

(Y/n) POV:

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” I twist the knob once more but the same squeak and disappointment rang once more. I look down into the darkness. Way too far to jump…

Belch’s room it is then! I climb across the roof and go onto his balony. I look at the room inside to see it clear. I twist the knob gaining entry. I step quicky to the door, but I am slamed into my a solid body.

I gasp and tumble backwards bringing them with me onto the soft bed. “Shit!” I look up to meet the voice to the body of Bowers. He furrows his eyes then shoves himself off of me. “What the hell are you doing here Tozier? Creeping around here to get with your best friends brother? Really low for you slut!” Henry searches for a reaction on my face, but I just roll my eyes (slightly hurt) and make my way to the door. He grabs my wrist catching my attention. “No response bitch?” His smirk doesn’t last for long as I rip my arm away from him and push him back. “What the hell did I ever do to you Henry? Ever since 6th grade you decided you hated me! Whatever I did fucking hell I’m sorry for it! I can’t stand getting fucking named called by you every fucking day! So either treat me as a fucking equal or never speak to me again Henry!”

Henry steps back stunned. Tears streaming down my cheeks in a heat of anger. I storm out of the room grabbing my stuff and going down the steps, but getting blocked by Patrick. “Where do you think you’re going pussy cat? The nights just begun! Show me how easy it is to get into that garden doll.” I attempt to push past Partick, but he blocks my way.

“Let (y/n) go by Patrick. Stop being an ass.”

I look up to meet Henry’s eyes. His blue eyes looked down at me. Their softer than usual. He scans over my figure and nods his head to move forward without his friend in my way.

The girls protest as I storm out of the house and to my car. “Not with Henry fucking Bowers in the same house as me! I’m sorry girls another night. Richie is home alone anyway. I’ll catch you later.” I slam my door trying to calm my nerves from my years of frustrations against the Bowers boy.

_=_=_=_=_

I pull into my driveway, looking up and seeing Richie’s light on. I enter the house, make my way up our creaky steps, and straight into his room scaring him. He shrieks reaching for a baseball bat next to his bed.

I double over in laughter still very buzzed and happy. “Fuck! Don’t do that (y/n)! I could’ve been tickling my pickle!” I push him down and sit next to him on his bed. “Just calling it that proves you’ve never done that kid.” Richie pushes me playfully. I kiss his head standing up. “I love you Richie. Get some sleep. We’ve got a long weekend.” I wink at him as i close his door.

In the bright morning light my stomach is punched in by a small knee. “Ouch Richie!” I wahle in pain! He laughs and continues to crawl over me to snuggle in beside his older sister. “What are we doing today?” I huff and check the time. 8:46.

“How about we go to Pats for Breakfast. My treat.” Richie’s eyes grew 3x the size of his glasses. He latches his arms around me and says a billion thank yous in my ear. “Go on and get dressed. Meet me at my car in 10 minutes.” I stand up my feet hitting the cold wooden floor. I pick out an outfit to wear, place my makeup neatly on my sink, and grab my purse as i exit the door only to see Richie tugging on the handle. I press the button on my keys unlocking the car and laughing at my brother. “You could’ve just waited inside.” He rolls his eyes laughing. “Just feed me sis.”

-@-@-@-

Pushing the door open to the diner the instant temperature change feeling good on my chiled cheeks. Carly looks up in excitement upon my arrival. She grabs two menus and rushes to us. “Good morning loves! How was the rest of your night party pooper!” I roll my eyes and follow her to a booth near the bar. “I was just fine. I had a great night's sleep. I feel refreshed!” Carly rolls her eyes shaking her head smirking. “I know something you don’t. I’m not going to tell you. Hahaha.” “You’re such a child. What did you hear?” SHe shrugs and takes out her pen ready for us to order. Richie treats himself to a huge stack of pancakes while I just get a chicken biscuit.

Carly winks at me from the bar laughing. What the hell has she heard?

The front door swings open and a panicked Julie rushes in. She ties her apron around her waist and stops when she passes us. “Oh there they love lady!” I furrow my brows at her. “Love lady?” “Yeah. Did you not hear H-” Julie is pulls away by her ponytail by Carly. “What the fuck has gotten into them?” I look at Richie pressing my pointer finger and thumb together twice. “Beep beep Richie.” He huffs and sits back waiting for his food.

The door opens once more and four figures stroll in sucking the air out of the room. “Do you have to follow me everywhere now?” Carly sasses to Patrick with a smirk. “Hard to with an ass like yours.” “Pig.” She scoffs and goes off to another table.

Henry POV: I woke up feeling hungover and weirdly lighter. My whole stature felt different. Something's been off the whole morning. Belch throws a pillow at me telling me to get up. Soon after we’re all piled in the car on the way to Pat’s to get some food.

Upon entering we go straight to the bar. “Do you have to follow me everywhere now?” Carly sasses to Patrick. “Hard to with an ass like yours.” “Pig.” She scoffs and goes off to another table.

I sit on the stool feeling almost loney. Not in a way I’ve ever felt before though. I look over my shoulder and see little four eyes Tozier munching on some pancakes. “Wonder if he’s here with his faggot friends.” I smirk and stand walking over to him. His eyes meet my frame and his face drains of any color. “Hey there faggot.” I lean on the table yet to revert my eyes to the other side. “Next week at schools going to be a hurt train for you and your fagot friends.” I point a finger at  him aggressively.

“You’ll do nothing to him or those kids Bowers.” I shut up as my eyes meet hers. Her eyes threatening me. I move my frame to a softer stance and lower my shoulders. “I thought we were on a first name basis princess.” I brush my fingertips under her chin. She stays still quite as shocked as I was. Richie looks red in the face. Oh this might be better than hurting him physically… Almost… very close second.

She moves her face away a light blush rising on her cheeks. This small action makes me smile. Patrick's hand lands on my shoulder and he grimes at the two sitting there. “Look at this! A four eyed loser, and his shameful of a slut sister!” (Y/n) looks at me shaking her head. She moves to stand up without words. “Come on Richie.” She grabs his hand leading him to the door, and then outside. I sigh feeling heavy again. Her eyes switched as the words left Patricks mouth. She became hurt. I let her be hurt.

Guilt. That’s what it is. I’m feeling guilty for letting her be pushed around, name called, slut shamed.

“She’s no fun anymore.” Patrick rolls his eyes picking at the leftover food. Julie comes by picking up the plates. “You guys are such asses. What did she ever do to you?”

“Prick.” “What did you just call me?” Julie asks offended. “No. Not you. Fucking Pats.” I push past him and go back to my seat. “You didn’t need to call her that.” “Why not? She is what she is.” The depth in my chest twists and turns hurting me.

“ So either treat me as a fucking equal or never speak to me again Henry!” Her words rang in my head. I look at the boys and sigh. “No more messing around with Tozier’s sister. She’s gone through it long enough.” Julie leans on the counter with a pleasant expression. “I always knew this would happen.” “What are you talking about?”

She laughs. “Aw you really don’t remember? Poor Henry. Going to have to go through all this again.” I tilt my head looking at her in pure confusion. “What? Oh man how drunk was I?” I grab my head in frustration. “Pretty drunk. Just saying drunk words sober thoughts. Might want to search through there a little bit.” Julie says smirking. Well she’s no help!

I turn to my friends and see all their faces as confused as mine, all except for Belch. I point at him. “We’re talking later.” He shrugs and plunges a mouthful of food into his own. “Might want to involve the girls. They heard a lot more than I did.” I lay my head in my hands. Oh fuck Tozier. What have you done?

Tagged:

@angeli-fucking-cat

[relbyshock]

Amy Winehouse, Princess Diana, Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Aileen Wuornos, Angelina Jolie, Adolf Hitler, Darrell Hammond, Pete Davidson, Winona Ryder, Vincent Van Gogh, Tommy Tiernan….

What do they all have in common? Apart from being famous figures, they all suffer(ed) or were rumored to have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder.

Hey, me too.

I’m over the moon to have something in common with Princess Di (apart from our shared plight with bulimia), but I have to say, I’d rather not have anything in common with Aileen or Adolf…..

Borderline Personality Disorder is a confusing term to say the least. On the borderline of what and what? Well, in the ‘30s, it meant you fell somewhere between psychosis (untreatable) and neurosis (treatable).

Great, that’s reassuring.

Come the ‘70s, BPD sufferers were described as being very emotional, needy, difficult, at risk for suicide, and to have an “overall unstable level of functioning”.

Check. *sings “Welcome to My Life” by Simple Plan*

We also have rapidly fluctuating mood swings, unstable self-image, and a fear of abandonment. This disorder wasn’t even recognized by the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) until 1980.

Today, we know far more about BPD – “neurosis” is no longer used in the diagnosis, and BPD is no longer considered a psychotic disorder.

 So what are we then?

Crazy?

Hormonal?

According to my family, yes. But in reality, the problem lies within our brains. Let me nerd out here for a minute:

The Amygdala (Ah-mig-dah-lah) is composed of two almond-shaped parts of the brain, deep in the medial temporal lobe, that regulate fear and aggression. People with BPD have amygdala’s that are noticeably smaller than that of a healthy person. The smaller the amygdala, the more overactive it is.

Like short guys with bad attitudes, or what I like to refer to as “little man syndrome”.

And then we have the Hippocampus – no, not pachyderm college. The hippocampus is responsible for spatial orientation (not falling over), long and short-term memory, and emotional regulation. Put simply, the hippocampus chooses the correct response to environmental events: Fight or flight.

You may be wondering if I was dropped on my head as a child. The answer is yes – frequently – but the chances of minor brain trauma causing BPD are slim.

The causes of Borderline Personality Disorder are unclear. It seems to involve genetic, brain, environmental and social factors. There are rumours that people with BPD have issues with serotonin production, which has been linked to depression, aggression and having a hard time controlling “destructive urges”.

As for environmental factors, those who have been a victim of emotional/physical/sexual abuse, as well as being exposed to chronic fear or distress as a child have a high likelihood of developing BPD. This is because our relationship with our parents and family has a HUGE influence on how we see the world, and how we feel about other people.

Gals are also diagnosed 3 times as often as guys. You’ve gotta wonder if that’s due to the fact that men tend to be more weary of the doctor, therefore avoiding a diagnosis altogether. This is pure speculation.

Shall we take a dive into the “Signs and Symptoms” as listed by Wikipedia?

-Markedly disturbed sense of identity

-Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions

-Splitting (black and white thinking)

-Impulsivity

-Intense and uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation

-Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships

-Self-damaging behavior (ie, substance abuse)

-Distorted self-image

-Dissociation

-Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse or rage

We are also aware of the intensity of our negative emotional reactions, and since we can’t regulate them, we shut them down completely. What my doctor and I refer to as feeling “flat”.

BPD sufferers are also extremely sensitive to real or perceived rejection. Let’s explain with a meme, shall we:

*looking at an unanswered text from 12 minutes ago*

You: They must be in the shower or just busy, they’ll respond when they have a chance.

Me: Ok well they were active on Instagram 6 minutes ago and they just posted a snap story….they’re ignoring me, why do they hate me? What did I do? Are they mad at me? Should I send another text to get their attention or is that too needy?

If you’re annoyed just reading that, TRY LIVING IN MY BRAIN.

I annoy myself.

I feel grief, overwhelming shame and humiliation where others would feel mildly embarrassed. A minor inconvenience such as cancelled plans takes me from excited to absolutely miserable.

In the past, an unflattering photo on Facebook has caused me to reevaluate my self-worth, and even my life.

The Sickboy podcast explained it beautifully: Borderline Personality Disorder is like having a third degree burn on your emotions. I feel that. Everything hurts me just a little bit more than the average bear (or human).

Why am I telling you this? Because boys and girls, today is Bell Let’s Talk Day here in Canada. I’ll include the link at the bottom. Basically, in 2010, Bell began a new conversation about Canada’s mental health. They’ve enlisted such figures as Howie Mandel, Michael Landsberg, and Clara Hughes to share their stories of struggle and strength in the face of mental health.

I thought today was as good as any other to address the stigma surrounding mental health, but more specifically, the stigma around BPD.

I can’t pretend to know all the answers – I’m not and won’t pretend to be a psychiatrist. But this is what the world looks like through my lens.

If someone honks at me while I’m driving to work, I’m upset ALL DAY. I never want to drive again, I want to pull over and cry, or turn around and go home.

If I get a moderately rude email, my brain fills with cutting, angry, and just plain mean remarks to respond with. “I’m sorry your father never hugged you as a child” is not a suitable response to a professional email, but that’s where my brain goes.

When I make plans with friends weeks in advance and they bail 10 minutes before, I am a heap of inconsolable sobs for the rest of the evening, and even into the next day. This plays into the fear of “real or imagined abandonment”. My BPD brain does not care that something came up or you’re feeling under the weather. BPD tells me that you hate me and you never want to see me again and you were just pretending to like me this whole time and you’ve finally made your escape. My logical brain tries to tell me that it’s ok, and we’ll plan something for another time, but usually, my BPD brain wins the fight.

When I get nervous and start to ramble trying to tell a story and my mom cuts me off with “Anyways.” I want to crawl in a hole and die, but I also sort of want to throw a plate at her face. My mother is a saint, so why do I feel this way about her sometimes?

Let’s get back to the causes of Borderline Personality Disorder. Dad, Mom, maybe stop reading here…or don’t…but here’s your warning. You aren’t going to like this next part.

I was severely neglected as a child. Not physically – I had food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over my head – but emotionally and mentally. The minor relationship I did have with my father was marked by him coming home from a long shift (as a firefighter) and starting a fight with me about my weight, my shoes at the front door, my marks in school, and more often than not, “why are you always crying?!”. My mom also worked full time at a stressful sales job. So by the time she got home, she didn’t want to have to deal with anyone else’s issues.

So when I would have issues with anything from being bullied at school to just having a ‘bad mental health day’, I had nowhere to turn.

See, my brother and I were latch-key kids. We got home from school at least an hour before my parents got home from work. He and I never got along, so some sort of fight would ensue, and by the time our parents got home, he had made me cry. I was deemed dramatic and sent away to my bedroom, while the 3 of them would eat dinner together (usually something I refused to eat – like meat – which would be another reason to fight).

I’ve voiced this to my mom before, and she remembers my childhood very differently than I do.

As long as I have been alive, I have come second to my brother.

No, honey, we can’t go to (insert activity I wanted to do) because Maxx has hockey/a book report due/needs a ride to the bike track, etc.

Every dinner or event we went to was with HIS friends and THEIR parents, who ended up becoming my parents’ best friends (still to this day). I was always the only girl; so naturally, I stayed with the adults, because the boys wouldn’t have me.

But the adults didn’t want me there either. I felt like a constant annoyance.

Thinking back on it, I realize that I may not have been as unwanted as I perceived myself to be. Remember, BPD brains are sensitive to even slight facial expressions and tones of voice. But, when I voiced this to my parents, that I felt unwanted, and why couldn’t we do things with my friends and their parents, etc. I was told that I was being ridiculous.

Enter: Invalidation

Invalidation is the number one cause of BPD, according to my psychiatrist. Growing up in an environment where nothing you do is good enough will cause you to internalize everything.

I have no memories or examples of healthy emotional behaviour or relationships. In our house, we got the point across by screaming at or just plain ignoring each other. So when I get hurt, or I feel let down, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with my feelings. Further reinforcing my belief that the world is full of bad people who are out to ruin your day and be unkind, because that’s all I’ve ever known.

Research shows that if you already experience these difficulties as a child, experiencing trauma as an adult could make things worse.

Dad - now is really the time to stop reading.

(Sometimes I feel like I live inside the DSM definition of BPD)

At the age of 21 – fresh out of college and trying to start my career in the fashion world – I was sexually assaulted. Cue the downward spiral.

I didn’t report. I didn’t seek help. I confided in a close friend, and was called a liar. But that’s a story for another time.

So I buried that part of me so deep, that sometimes I could convince myself that it never happened. Sometimes.

I reached the end of my rope in 2016. I knew that if I didn’t seek help, I would not survive. I finally went to my doctor and spent hours with her, just sobbing and telling her everything.

She hooked me up with a psychiatrist, and put me in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, and started me on an SSRI (anti-depressant) immediately.

As of today, it has been 1172 days since the assault. I only told my mother this past summer.

Since reaching out for help, I have begun to repair the relationship with my parents. My mom and I are closer than ever, and my dad and I are working on it.

As I write this, I feel the judgements pouring in. But I have decided that this year, I don’t care. I am not ashamed of my story. I will no longer hide the things I have been through in order to make others more comfortable. I will not keep my pain to myself because it’s easier for others if I stay silent. If bearing my soul can help even one person seek the help they need, then I have succeeded, and all this pain has been worth it.

The long and short of it is SPEAK UP! There is nothing embarrassing about mental illness. If you aren’t feeling right, there are people who care and are here to help you, including me. The first step is to tell someone.

The best advice I can give is to find your people. People who trust you, who lift you up, who validate your feelings, who listen and take you seriously when you say you’re having a bad day. I have spent the past year painstakingly building my support system, because the truth of the matter is, I can’t do this alone. And that’s ok.

Today and every single day, be kind to each other – it’s the only thing that matters.

https://letstalk.bell.ca/en/bell-lets-talk-day

[jasperwoke]

Noell

Kim stooped to tie her laces. She blocked the subway entrance. A heavy set man in a suit stepped around her, sneering. He didn’t notice Kim’s accomplice swipe his back pocket.

The two emerged from 14th street. Autumn breezes blew through the street, painting New York in a chilly aura. It was late into the afternoon and the two could see students and employees beginning to shuffle home. Soon it’d be rush hour, and the parallel city blocks would become flooded with ironed dress shirts and white sneakers.

“Let’s cop some food this dude had bands” Noell chirped. Kim smiled in agreement.

The two weren’t born sisters but they’ve become closer than family. Noell was two years older than kim, Kim being nineteen and Noell being twenty one. They met at a shelter before they hit their teens. Kim had four siblings, and her mom couldn’t fit that many mouths under a one bedroom apartment. Her mother had a boyfriend at the time that pushed for some side money, but was unemployed. Kim didn’t see her mother when she left. The boyfriend just told her to pack and leave. She didn’t hand in her algebra homework the next morning.

She met Noell two months after she was evicted. Noell had been dealing with an alcoholic father, and when he couldn’t support her anymore, he just shut the door. She had straight braided rows running down her head, and very pretty eyes. She was used to getting looks and compliments from older boys and even men. She held her chin high, even when her father came home drunk. Her mother left when she was a child and her dad took custody. He lived alone with no other female companionship, and with Noell too young to find work, he assigned her a temporary role. Atleast till she got older; he’d find her some other daddies.

Order 141. They both got a full meal, with fries and nuggets and a drink and no mayo. They sat eating, people watching the rest of their afternoon away. Homeless people, uncut gray hairs and oversized jackets with holes and baggy jeans that smelled like piss. Businessmen who buried their heads in their phones or looked into the distance, afraid of making eye contact. Afraid of showing others that they were just average. Couples holding hands or arms wrapped around each other, seeming to prove their worth to their partner, their individuality of millions just like them. Maybe somewhere out there were two other girls, eating burgers from a wallet they stole that afternoon, waiting for a not so cold breeze to blow their way.

It’d be winter soon. That meant a lot of people were slowly stocking up. On groceries, on entertainment, on clothes. American culture spoon feeds the transition to people. Halloween gets parents to buy a lot of candy, pumpkins, and probably some flannel shirts. Thanksgiving is when the culture really goes all out in getting people to stock up on food. On Black Friday, the culture just stops trying to be discreet; literally telling people to buy all you can because it’s another year and winter is cold and wow look at this television damn that is cheap.

But the really rich people, those that make the 10% margin in day trading on wall street, the ones that live upstate or out in Long Island and drive around in bentleys, they don’t stock up. When New York got cold, it was off to Australia. Kim and Noell knew this. That for a good three months, the best neighborhoods in their city was open to public access. The only admission fee was a locked door or nosy neighbor, and a few feet of snow, but it was hardly a hard problem.

When they were still kids, winter was the hardest. All the shelters were full and their boots didn’t keep them warm. Either they lugged around oversized bricks on their feet, or the shoes didn’t have a sole. They’d try subway stations and unused warehouses, taking advantage of the minimal warmth. It was a strange sight, to see two nine or ten year old girls, messy hair tied into the idea of a ponytail. Soot and grime covered faces, hugging each other through harlem winters and bedstuy snows. Staten Island was good because there were a bunch of abandoned children's hospitals. The beds were covered with moldy magazines and spray paint, but a mattress was still preferable to cardboard on concrete.

They started with credit card scheming. A person’s entire life: their social security number, credit card, bank routing, address, telephone, could all be bought for under ten bucks. For the two sisters, that was life. A collection of numbers that were not theirs. They had no father or mother figure to give them an allowance and tell them not to take someone’s identity; everyone on the street was their potential parent for the day. Sometimes they’d get cards with only a few dollars, less than what they paid. Occasionally, they’d get a few cards loaded. Signature credit cards or platinum business with special airline lounge memberships and 5% cashback. Those were the real prizes. Kim and Noell would use those to buy some phones or bags and sell them off later, keeping the solid cash instead of a interchangeable string of digits.

They chose Orange county for winter. Families made six digit figures each year, and houses were spaced a good distance from the next. Perfect for self guided tours. Kim and Noell took the Transit North. Growing up in New York, spending nights on park benches and train stations, they were professionals at stowing away on the daily commutes. It takes about two hours to go from Penn Station to upstate, during which, beautiful red and yellow and brown leaves decorate and paint the wind.

Noell picked up some sleight of hand. She had got into and out of plenty of relationships, travelling to a new borough each night. Different shelters and streets had different men eyeing her, and she knew how to tease them. A few stumbles to her left or maybe some eye contact that didn’t break. It was the small things that took their attention. Her and Kim would work in teams, in parks or subways, on buses or delis. After puberty, Kim had a gorgeous body, and it was only fair their roles changed. She picked up a lot watching Noell for her whole life, and knew how to divert attention. It was a partner crime, and the two were pretty good at the disappearing act.

“This one, over here”

The house was a two family house, standing two stories with an attic and basement. The outside was laid in red brick, but floor to ceiling windows and a flat matte roof suggested a more modern construction or renovation. They went through the garage, that was where people usually forget or don’t care to check up on. The home was empty and free for grabbings. It was all theirs. Until they heard sirens.

Noell’s had a gash running from her left eye to the back of her jawline. It cut just below the ear and bled profusely. Kim held her hand to her mouth, digging her nails so deep that her cheek bled too. She listened from the sink cabinet as the officers slammed Noell’s face into the wall. Her cries and sobs and eventually silence as they touched her up and down before cuffing her and throwing her into the car. She crouched silently and waited, with tears streaming down her face, stinging her self inflicted wound, as the officers drove off with Noell. With Kim’s only family. They met twelve years ago, and took the subway together. They stole together and laughed together. They went to public pools together in the summer, and played with dogs at the park together. They read at the library together and slept together. On the trip back from Orange county upstate New York, Kim only had one ticket stub.

[call-me-motte]

Rant

I need a place to vent.

I haven’t use this site in literal years, so I figured it might be a good place. This will be long and if you don’t give a shit about me or don’t want to read a novel just unfollow me or scroll past. I don’t really care.

Life fucking sucks.

The last few years have been an absolute roller coaster. With a lot of those just-a-little-too-steep declines that make you seriously too aware that you’re moving downhill. They’re the ones that are just ever so slightly too steep to where your stomach flips and you feel like you might die. You know the ones. The last month I’ve been stuck on such a slope. Hell, the last year.

Last November-ish (the dates are honestly all blurred at this point): I was lonely and sought companionship.

Found a girl through work at the time who was nice. We became a “thing” for a month. Very new, honeymoon-period relationship. We shared life, laughs, and our bodies. It was nice. It was fun. The sex was good.

I was distant. As I always find myself to be after a certain amount of time. The last straw was Thanksgiving. I disappeared all day for family and apparently she couldn’t take it. We broke up.

Fast forward a month. Christmas time. The happiest time of the year.

She’s pregnant.

Are you?

“I’m late. Test said yes.”

Can we go to a doctor?

“I’ll go by myself.”

Can you show me proof?

“I was so good for you, I can’t believe you left.”

“I am pregnant.”

I offered to work this out with her. I offered to put aside my entire life to make sure whatever happened, it would be taken care of. The entire time all I heard was how I was so stupid for ruining the relationship. No shred of concern from the woman about the fact that a CHILD might be inside her.

“The doctor said it’s too soon to tell.”

That’s great. We won’t have to give our lives away.

“I lied. I didn’t want you to worry. I really am pregnant.”

What the fuck?

“I’m not pregnant.”

I was destroyed. Absolute ruin.

Everything about my life had been torn apart. I had confided in my oldest brother about this. Asked him for advice. His thoughts, opinions. He was loving, kind, and caring. Gave me genuine advice; walked me through this situation. He had been there before.

It passes over. I move on. I return to my introverted self. I don’t talk to my brother much, similar to how the last 10 years of my life had been. I don’t talk to anyone. He excommunicates me, for “only coming to him when I have problems.” I lost my sanity. My peace of mind. My trust for others. My brother. All over some girl. My life was destroyed.

I will never trust anyone again. There’s no worth in trust anymore.

I spend the next couple of months shut in my room. Only leaving for work. My relationship with my parents degrades. They start to complain (with genuine concern) that I don’t see them much even when I live with them. I just shrug it off.

I dive headfirst into depression.

No amount of friends, games, alcohol, sex, drugs, anything. No amount of anything was able to fix this.

I turn to working out to try and vent frustrations and try and feel better about myself. I have two friends with me on the path to fitness. It helps, I start to feel better. Back to being myself.

2 AM. I’m at the gym. Phone rings. It’s her.

She’s drunk. I step outside of the gym, leaving my friends inside.

“I really need to talk to you. In person.”

I’ll give you 5 minutes. You come to me. FIVE minutes. That’s it. Then we are never speaking again.

She arrives.

We exchange American greetings. You know the ones. “How have you been?”, “What have you been up to?” That bullshit.

“I really was pregnant. I had an abortion.”

I don’t believe you.

“Why?”

You toyed with me.  Went back and forth. I heard 6 different answers.

“I was pregnant. I had an abortion. I didn’t tell you because I saw your Snapchat stories and thought you were happy.”

Are you fucking serious? This is something that’s OUR problem. Not yours. I made that clear.

“I was so good for you.”

At this point I lost it. I started hyperventilating. The hardest breaths I’ve ever taken in my 21 short years. I get the urge to hit something. Coming from a family of anger issues, it’s a bad habit. Thank whatever God may be out there my parents taught me how to not aim it at other people. I put a dent in the roof of my car. (Still there to this day, a cruel reminder.)

I tell her to leave.

Never contact me again.

At this point I don’t care what happens. I didn’t trust her. I didn’t believe her. If anything had happened I didn’t care. If I was hit with lawsuits or whatever. It didn’t fucking matter. I was going to end it all.

   I attempt suicide.

           It didn’t work.

Still not sure if that was a blessing or a curse. I’ll let you know if I ever actually find out the answer to that one.

My parents start to push me out.

I had just landed a better job with FedEx. One that paid enough for me to sustain my own life. They didn’t do it wrong. They made sure I was okay and “nudged” me out. To live in an apartment with my other brother, Evan.

Everything is okay. For a time. We get along decently well; he’s helping me adjust to apartment life. We split everything 50/50 and it’s decent for a while.

A month goes by. I get a Snapchat message from the girl’s little brother. We used to be pretty tight. We worked together as well. He was under 18 at the time and I used to hook him up with cigarettes. He asks me for my phone number. I don’t think about it at all. Dude might just need something or have a question about work. I give it to him.

She’s drunk. She calls.

It starts to escalate. My voice turns into that of a monster. Something I never knew I had inside me. I start to get angry. That voice warps into something hostile. Something pops into mind.

If I ever have a child, it will NOT be with somebody like you.

Not good words to ever say to anyone you’ve ever been with. I don’t care how much you dislike them. It’s not a humane thing to say.

I start crying. She’s crying. We’re having probably a Guinness-record-winning yelling match over the phone. My brother hears me, knows something is wrong, and comes out and forces the phone out of my hands.

I cared about her. So much. It wasn’t easy to deal with this. It didn’t feel good to act how I did.

I’m sitting in the fetal position outside on our patio. Digging my fingernails into my arm. So hard that I draw blood and leave scars. Trying to make the feelings stop. Trying to find a reason to be alive. I can’t escape.

Thank God for Evan. He tells them to never talk to me again. If they do, he’ll call the police. Tells me he’s never seen me this upset before and he was ready to go fight someone if he had to. What a guy.

He hangs up. Throws my phone somewhere I can’t find it for the night.

The next morning.

I wake up to death threats from her little brother. Saying he wants to fight me, and that if I don’t he’ll kill me.

I call my dad. My extremely religious, ex-pastor father. I tell him everything. Out of concern. They know where my parents live. He assures me he’s well armed and that it’s nothing to worry about.

A few months pass by, I land a new job at the same company Evan works for. It pays extraordinarily well for my qualifications. Only bad thing is that there’s an exam. Pass, you work. Fail, you don’t.

My life is comfortable. I can afford anything I want.

I’m still just as alone as ever. But as I was told multiple times: I have no right to be upset or sad about anything. I have money and comfort.

What could go wrong?

I get comfortable with the job. I study hard. Everything is looking good.

I fail the exam.

No amount of studying could have prepared me for that test. I could not pass it.

So I leave the exam center and head back to the office. Hopeful that with my high metrics scores and positive attitude that they’ll find a position for me somewhere in the company. Windows rolled down, smile on my face, music blasting. It will all be okay. It will be okay.

A mile from the building. My car starts to stutter.

Oh it’s probably nothing. Just a weird, one-off thing.

Nope. Radiator literally explodes. Smoke starts to emerge from under the hood. A lot of smoke. Like I threw five steaks onto a pan with the burner turned a bit too high. Enough to worry even a fire department. The car shuts off. I pull over. I start losing my mind.

I’m crying. On the side of the road next to my busted car. In freezing weather with no jacket. I call my dad.

Dad, what do I do?

Find out about the job. The car doesn’t matter.

I wish it was that simple.

I manage to get the car running well enough to pull it into the office lot. I park and walk inside. Security guy gives me the same friendly greeting as he has for the last two months. It really will be okay.

I take the elevator to the 6th floor. My supervisor sees me walking in. He smiles at me, and catches up with me as I walk towards his desk. I show him my score. His face goes blank. He walks me to the copying machine and makes a copy of the scoring paperwork.

“It’s been a pleasure working with you. I’ll walk you to the elevator.”

I step outside. Light up a cigarette. I’m still smiling.

I sit down on the pavement at the smoking area. I text all my close friends.

Hahaha, hey guys, I got fired.

Then I remember: I don’t have a car anymore.

I call a couple of people. Nobody answers. So next on my list is my friend Katie. We have kind of a weird past but she’s still one of the few people I have left that I can trust.

She answers, “Hello?”

I start to talk.

Hey Katie, can you give me a ri-

It all kind of dawned on me.

I’m alone. I have no job. No car. I won’t be able to afford rent next month. My life is over. I can’t go back to my parents. No, I won’t go back to my parents.

I break down. Tell her the story. She has to work in an hour but she can make time to take me to my apartment. Thank God.

That brings me to now. I went a little over a month without a job. I have rent covered to the end of this month, February. I accepted a job offer that doesn’t start until the 25th. My car is repaired, but I owe my dad over eight-hundred dollars. My credit card bills are due. My bank account is empty.

I’m just as alone as I’ve ever been.

I started hanging out with an old friend the last few weeks. We hit it off really well. But my stupid head decided to catch feelings. I told her. She politely declined and we agreed to keep our relationship as that of friends. It was fine.

Then I got drunk and sent a text that I regret ever conceiving. I haven’t heard from her since.

I lock myself in my room in this cramped apartment. I act like I’m happy and alive to the people I interact with. But I really just want to die. The hardest part of my life is just now starting. I have a feeling it’s going to be worse than anything else that I’ve ever dealt with. I still think of ending it all on a daily basis. I’ve compiled a list of different ways to do it. Ranked them by effectiveness and level of impact. I genuinely think it might be detailed enough for me to be locked up in some ward somewhere. But I know that I’m too much of a wimp to ever do anything. So whatever. If I disappear one day, don’t be surprised. That’s where I’ll leave this.

To any of you I know still follow me, if you use this site:

I hope you’re doing well!

This was all over the place and misses a lot of details that should probably be in there but it’s almost 6:30 in the morning. I can’t be arsed to go back through and add anymore. If you read this, thanks for your patience. I know it’s probably cringe-y and stupid to read. I just had to get it out somehow.