#you should see me from 2013 when i first started taking writing seriously. man ALIVE.

[purgaytorysupremacy]

I was going to post a snippet of the fix-it fic I was working on back in 2020 but haven't finished. a big part of it is showing/"proving" that Dean killed himself on that rebar and also that you wouldn't even need to change that much about what aired on screen to make it ~~good~~ but then I reread it and I was like damnit. I'm a better writer now. I can do this better now. godDAMNIT.

[captain-ozone]

Fic Writer Review

Thank you for the tag, @flutteringdreams-matw​!! I loved reading your review, and I’m stoked to have the opportunity to fill this out myself, too!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?  46. And not all of them have been transferred over from FFN. There’s at least another dozen between multiple fandoms over there, lol. 

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 656,571. My word. 

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?  When one of your fandoms is DC Comics...Does that count as one or several? LOL. xD

There’s been Merlin, Danny Phantom, Batman (Comics), Young Justice (cartoon), Teen Titans (cartoon), Titans (TV Show), Smallville (TV show), The Justice League (movie), The Flash (Arrowverse TV Show), Miraculous Ladybug, Harry Potter, Rise of the Guardians, How to Train Your Dragon, Sword Art Online (anime), Blue Exorcist (anime), The Bright Sessions (podcast). Might be missing some.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 1. Come Alive (Young Justice) 2. life, if well lived (Batman) 3. On Three (Miraculous Ladybug) 4. a million dreams (Batman) 5. Genesis (Danny Phantom)

@redriotted​ should be informed that my top two are fics she requested from me via prompts I’m sure neither of us expected I would ever fill. Love you, dear! I credit you for these fics!

5. Which of your fic do you want more attention for?  Difficult question for me to answer. I’ve been gifted with lovely feedback on most of my work. I guess if I were to choose one it would be Locking Up the Sun (Batman)? It’s a Fantasy AU. A fantastic exercise in world-building. I had so much fun with it that I’ve been playing with the idea of spinning bits of it into an original work.

6. Do you respond to comments, why or why not? YES. I try to respond to every review and comment I receive. I understand it takes a lot of time and energy for some people, but from the moment I posted my first Merlin fic in 2011, I needed to respond, even if with nothing more than a little thank you. And I’m not about to stop the habit. I met some of my dearest friends responding to reviews. I still meet wonderful people doing so. :) 7. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?  Uhhhh, I’m not sure? I guess it depends on perspective. Most of my fics end happily, or rather, I am quite heavy-handed on the comfort part of the Hurt/Comfort trope. I do bittersweet more often than I do angst. I wrote a Merlin AU inspired by The Picture of Dorian Gray about Uther Pendragon that was pretty angsty? Grief was another one, also in the Merlin fandom. I’m sure there were some in my FFN Merlin oneshot collection Rabbits and Bathroom Breaks that apply, but lord knows I hardly remember half of what I’ve posted in that monster. 

8. Do you write crossovers? Once. I wrote a Rise of the Guardians/Frozen crossover with an Elsa/Jack Frost pairing as a gift for a friend.  9. Have you ever received hate on a fic? Oh, of course. Who hasn’t? I’ve been cursed out more than once, too. It always stings, but it’s a matter of stepping back and asking myself: is this constructive? will this make me a better writer? Once you frame the comment/review that way, it’s a bit easier to see that it’s unproductive to linger on it for long. It’s someone’s personal preferences and/or beliefs not aligning with your own. Or someone who can’t quite distance themselves from fiction enough to realize you are not always what you write, nor are you a reflection of the characters/plot you’re writing about.

10. Do you write smut? if so what kind? Rarely, and only as crack or as a joke. Nothing I would ever share in public. RIP Uther Pendragon/Troll fic of circa 2013-2014. I do so wish I’d saved you somewhere safe. 11. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes, but I have no idea where they are posted or in what language. Most of the requests came over FFN, so I’m sure they’re available somewhere. In some capacity. 

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Not quite. My friend and I wrote every other line of the aforementioned Uther/Troll fic in a chatroom, if that counts. 13. What’s your all time favorite ship? I’m far more interested in platonic/family relationships in pretty much every fandom I’m in. If I were to choose one? Adam Hayes/Caleb Michaels from The Bright Sessions. Or Barry Allen/Iris West in The Flash.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?  *eyes Shift warily*

I KID. I made a promise over half a decade ago, and I intend on keeping it.  In all seriousness: A Merlin time-travel fic I started ages upon ages ago. I hardly remember what the point of it was. There is a fun scene I’ve considered posting as a oneshot more than once over the years, though, just because it makes me laugh.

15. What are your writing strengths?  Dialogue, I think? I love it. 

16. What are your writing weaknesses? Imagery/action. Give me a single scene focused on a conversation between two hopeless individuals that need some TLC and let me forget about where they are sitting or if they are sitting at all or if there are things that need describing around them, please and thank you.  17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?  I’ve done it, in some capacity. I used my knowledge of Latin grammar from old high school classes to try to write spells for Merlin fics. I probably butchered quite a few, lol. I think it’s important to use language as accurately as possible, though, if it were to be used at all. Most of the time I take the lazy man’s route and use dialogue tags and italics, just so I can avoid making ignorant mistakes. As a reader, as long as I have translations in front of me, I’m golden.  18. What was the first fandom you wrote for? Merlin. I owe that fandom everything. 19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? Come Alive. I don’t know that I have ever had so much fun writing anything in my life. a million dreams (my Flying Grayson time travel tear-jerker) and Not a Bit (my MLB Brothers AU, inspired by the original PV) come in close second. I dig my family feels, obviously. 20. What fic are you most proud of?  Shift, my Danny Phantom AU, if only because it’s been seven years since I posted its first chapter. Writing it has felt like pulling teeth at certain points, but it has been with me for a long, long time. Rereading it is like looking at a time lapse of how I’ve developed as a writer, lol.  Heart of Gold (Merlin) is another. Before Shift, it was the longest fic I’d ever written, one, and it was my first time really developing an OC/attempting a redemption arc as well. It was far from a perfect fic, but boy did I feel like a queen when I finished it. I’m sure you might’ve done something like this at some point, @cdelphiki, but here you go! @breynekai-tfc, too! And anyone else who sees and wants to share, please do so! 

[seyesnyl]

Critical analysis of a Comic book

During my search for books and articles to aid my practice-based research, I came across the text “Critical Approaches to Comics: Theories and Methods”. This book offers a look into the critical analysis of books and the theories and methods their authors employ. It focuses on four essential aspects of a graphic novel/comic which are: Form, Content, Production, and Reception. In each of these parts, contributors with comic criticism expertise discuss their methods of analysis and put into practice these methods on selected comics or graphic novels.

It is an insightful book and going through it made me understand different ways a comic could be analyzed and further understood. I had recently purchased a comic book called X-Men Red (Fig. 01) and wanted to try out the procedures that some critics had employed in their analysis.

Peter Coogan in Chapter 15 Genre: Reconstructing the Superhero in All Star Superman, discusses the superhero genre and its characteristics. He offers a guide towards analyzing the superhero comic book and its context. His procedures entail multiple readings to properly critically analyze.

First reading: Familiarize yourself with the events and characters of the story.

Second reading: engage with the text at a deeper level, note the conventions (heroes, villains, love interests, etc.). Note how are they used; seriously or comically or problematically? Observe structural pairs (events, characters, icons, and settings) that reflect and comment on each other.

Third reading: attend to the sequential artistry of the comic book. 

After these three, the analyst should assemble their notes and try to identify patterns in the story, using conventions, and the sequential artistry that leads to discovering the thematic concerns of the authors.

He mentions that superhero comics are usually intertextual in that they reference other texts and those should be watched out for. He also says to consider the general tendencies of comic books produced at the time the text you are analyzing was published.

Lastly, it should be noted how the characters represent oppositional attitudes (both semantically and syntactically) and how these oppositions are mediated. Then determine what you have to say about the story and how the text supports and reveals the points you want to affect.

(Smith and Duncan, 2012)

Fig. 01  Cover of Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

After three readings and making notes, I assembled this analysis on two chapters of X-Men Red (1 and 2). 

The comic starts with a one-page introduction of Jean Grey back into the comic universe, back from the dead. It’s a sequel to her actual resurrection chapter, but this first page helps bring the reader to speed with synoptic text and imagery (Fig.02). “I was the Phoenix”, “I burned so brightly”, “And then I was dead”, “And everything was dark”, “I’m alive again”. She is pictured in the last panel of the page recollecting this and reflecting on the events straight after her resurrection.

Jean’s death as the Phoenix is a famous story in the X-Men universe, and just last year, a second live-action movie adaptation was released in theaters worldwide. The first was released in 2006 and there have been many adaptations in comics and animated programs over the decades since the story of her death was first introduced in 1980.

Fig. 02- Excerpt from Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

From the first page to the following pages of this chapter, Jean acts as the narrator of the events that happened just before she died, and after she came back to life. This is done through green text boxes in the chapter. She catches up with the rest of the X-Men team, and we watch her move from here with her blue-skinned teammate Kurt, to another setting where we get the first glimpse of intolerance towards mutants that will be the focus of this story. Kurt is the target of discrimination by a passer-by and through this, we also get to see a glimpse of Jean Grey’s strength as she deals with this situation. It is revealed throughout the book that Jean can use her powers to its extent without fear of the Phoenix entity taking hold. The extent is yet unknown to her, but she knows she was being held back before.

This theme of intolerance towards mutants (people with abnormal abilities and sometimes appearances) is a topic frequently explored by the X-Men franchise more popularly and taken more seriously compared to any other comic in the superhero genre in my opinion. The seriousness is similarly conveyed in this comic book.

There are similarities in the discrimination mutants face with what minorities in our real world go through. In this instance with Kurt and Jean, it is indirectly shown that even though they are both mutants; Kurt is singled out by a normal white-passing man because he outwardly presents to be different with his blue skin and long tail while Jean is overlooked because she appears like a normal human. Likewise, in the real world, the more obvious your difference is, the more bigotry you are likely to face. Darker skin, non-Eurocentric features, gender-queer appearances, disabilities, etc.

Fig. 03-  Excerpt from Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

It is obvious Kurt faces this all the time, and he seems to brush it off, but Jean is coming back into this world as sort of fresh-eyed and is appalled the hatred has become more emboldened since she had been gone. It is an added effect she is a mind-reader and reveals the hateful man is scared and does not understand half of the things he professes to hate, which is a common belief about bigots. She also alludes he is among the infamous internet trolls that write bile to strangers from the anonymity and safety of his room. It is fair to say that the “internet troll” in recent times is one of the most prominent social bullies. This man is a clear representative of today’s social and digital hate culture

The first chapter concludes by panning back to the image of Jean in the setting of the first page’s panel, narrating the story of her coming back to life and what she has faced so far. It is from here and the following chapters that the story moves into the present. Jean says that with her new life she will ensure to change this hateful world.

The art of this chapter is a bit unusual to me. It tends to be abrasive. I haven’t paid much attention to western comics recently so that might be a factor in my unease. The artist Pascal Alixe uses short dark lines that don’t flow together for shading and this gives the character’s faces and bodies a rough appearance. The art also doesn’t follow the regular pin-up styles for female characters that comics are famous for. They appear stockier and more muscular than the typical comic representation which, realistically, makes sense for the jobs they take on.

In chapter 2, since Jean has been revealed to be a strong mutant, and we are following her quest to save the world, it is curious to witness how she goes about it. A fascinating way she does this is by using her telepathy to link the brilliant minds of others to solve a specific problem. She does this when she invites distinguished thinkers from all over the world for a meeting and links their minds with her powers to develop an idea to make the world better. She pulls a similar feat later in the comic when she uses Black Panther’s neurological knowledge and the powers of Trinary, a new teammate, to remove an item from a person’s brain. Doing this passes across the message that complicated problems can be solved by bringing together the skills and talents of different people. A telepath might not be realistic, but someone with empathy and good interpersonal skills may achieve this.

In a United Nations meeting, Jean pleaded her case to the world ambassadors. Referencing Professor Xavier’s intent for ‘mutantkind’ – who believed mutants could win normal humans over by being heroes when needed and being invisible when not – she says mutants should not need to be heroes for acceptance. This is a fascinating sentiment as she (or rather the author) could be referencing other superheroes in the superhero genre and the terms of being accepted. This calls upon the intertextuality of the superhero genre. Superman, Spiderman, and other heroes with powers have often had complications with public acceptance until they proved they are useful to society by using those superhuman powers to save their citizens. This also translates to real-world issues. For example, how black people often need to be exceptional before they are thought of separately from stereotypes.

In an examination into ‘homo-normativity’ in children’s literature, Lester (2013) posits that in most queer literature for children, there is an emphasis on the queer or gender non-conforming character to earn approval as opposed to being entitled to it. She states in the article that “This motif of having to prove oneself means the main characters are accepted only after those around them learn to appreciate their differences, the implication being that there is ultimately something unacceptable about gender nonconformity for which young male characters must compensate”… “These cases of privileging individual exceptionalism as the only way of gaining acceptance still maintain that gender nonconformity is unacceptable and should be avoided”.

Fig. 04 -  Excerpt from Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

Unfortunately, this chapter ends with Jean being framed for the murder of an attending ambassador by the villain of the story, Cassandra Nova. Even though Jean had made some progress during the meeting, the situation has now become worse than before as it is publicly witnessed a mutant has murdered someone that appeared to have opposed her. Before the frame job, a message from Nova was passed to Jean informing her that she had upset the status quo with her actions and would face the consequences. Taking this back to the real world, this alludes to what many social activists and minorities discern, which is that systems have been put in place to ensure that the oppressed remain oppressed for the benefit of the oppressors.

In the subsequent chapters, the story develops further; however, it is noticeably told from an intriguing point of view. More common superhero stories find their heroes playing a more passive role. They live their lives until an accident happens nearby or a super-villain wants to take over the world or rob a bank before they act. In X-Men Red, Jean could have waited for the anti-mutant tensions to rise and actual conflict to ensue before she acted, but she takes on an assertive role and is seeking to achieve a goal and is now being thwarted by the villains.

I researched on remarks from the author, Tom Taylor, about the comic, and he states “this book is Jean Grey coming back to life, but not coming back to the life she left behind. She doesn't want to come back to that life either. She's seen that the world has moved on. It's changed and she doesn't like everything she's seen. She's very empathetic and she feels so much of what's going on around her that she wants to make an actual change to the world. Not just for ‘mutantkind’ or humanity, but for everybody”. He doesn’t out-rightly mention the subliminal social commentary and that is likely because it speaks for itself and is not heavily nuanced.

I find this book pertinent to current times and it is thought-provoking without losing too much on the entertainment factor. As a consumer of superhero entertainment, it is usually difficult for me to grasp how a really powerful protagonist can lead an engaging story, but when faced with the seemingly insurmountable problem of bigotry, discrimination, and changing the hearts of people, it is a worthy challenge and I can’t wait to see how it culminates.

This has been an insightful task for me and the text that assisted my analysis has expanded my outlook on comics and the different facets of it that I never paid attention to. This will undoubtedly help me in my practice to be more intentional about the choices I make in the comics I create in the future.

References

Lester, J.Z. 2014, "Homonormativity in Children's Literature: An Intersectional Analysis of Queer-Themed Picture Books", Journal of LGBT youth, vol. 11, no. 3, pp. 244-275.

Smith, M.J. & Duncan, R. 2012;2011;, Critical Approaches to Comics: Theories and Methods, Taylor and Francis, Hoboken.

Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

[nomorelonelydays]

kick your pretty feet up on my dash

Part 1

-

Sidney retires a little earlier than he thought he would, at age 34.

 He retreats into a small town in Oregon. It’s not a hockey town. No one knows who Sidney Crosby is, and it’s an unexpected blessing.

 He hadn’t meant to land in Cardwell Point. It’s a little vacation-ville that boasts an annual fair every summer; it has an artificial lake, a small, quiet cabin that Sidney now calls home, a garden where he can grow tomatoes (that refuses to grow), and friendly enough neighbors who are all, for the most part, below the age of 18 or over 60 and have been in the town for about three centuries. It’s far enough away from Pittsburgh, he supposes, so that’s a plus.

 He knows the organization had expect him to stay, working with the team as a coach or at least for the sake of the Little Penguins program. He remembers the looks they’d given him when he’d broken the news to the front office. But it hurts more than it should, being so close to Geno hockey and not able to do anything about it.

 Maybe his heart has gotten softer with age.

 Maybe that’s why he packed so quickly, because when Geno asked him so mournfully, “Where you gonna be?” on his last day, he’d nearly changed his mind.

 “I’ll let you know,” Sidney promises. A little white lie.

 “You tell me soon, or I find you,” Geno says fiercely.

 Geno had hugged him like he didn’t want to let go, and perhaps he lingered a bit. But Sidney had simply chalked it up to him projecting. As usual.

 He’s spent the majority of his time in the NHL hoping for a man to love him back. He’d wanted the handholding, the late night, date night kisses on an empty street, and he’d been willing to wait years for it—did wait years for it. He had been ecstatic when they gave the C to Geno, finally. His heart had lurched forward, almost painfully, when Geno beamed at him, shy and determined under the weight of the letter, and Sidney tells himself that he’s happy. He is happy. He will be happy.

 “So what’s next?” Flower asks, voice choppy (always) through the phone.

 He figured he’d get a dog or something, maybe spend his hours fishing and not thinking about hockey or Geno or what anyone must think about him practically vanishing.

 He did not imagine that he’d be dragging himself up at 4 in the morning, post-retirement, to a bakery that must’ve been in this town when Christ himself was born, to be up to his elbows with flour and butter. The owner, Deidre, is 68 years old, had laughed in his face when she first met him, squeezed in the corner of her café and brooding over his coffee, when he’d told her that he’s retired.

 “What the hell do you mean, retired? You’re about 18, right?”

 Sidney knows he looks nowhere near 18, but Deidre also doesn’t look she’s got the best eyesight around, so.

 It takes about four more coffee runs, three “on the house” chess pies that Deidre insists on feeding him, and two times of Sidney helping her transporting bags of flour from the truck to the kitchen when she’d been short-staffed, that he realizes he’s accidentally stumbled into a some sort of volunteer-job hybrid.

 But he likes it.

 He has the time, and Deidre needs the help even if she won’t admit it. He likes listening to Deidre talk about the town and her husband (who hasn’t been alive since 2013, Sidney realizes way too late, when he makes the blunder of asking where he is—to which Deidre responds, ‘Who the hell knows. Fucking around up there, probably’) and her dry humor. He likes bringing out the trays of brioche rolls and learning the names of the regulars, from the adults stumbling in at 6:30 AM for their morning coffee, to the kids who come into the store for their afterschool cookies. (He endures the moms who—not subtly—tries to flirt with him while taking half the day to buy a dozen muffins.) He likes kneading the dough for the tarts, because it helps him forget about all those warnings the doctors said about how if he kept going, hockey’s going to knock out his knee once and for all and he’d be lucky to be able to walk at all.

 Deidre asked him how he ended up at Cardwell Point, just once.

 “You running away from home?” she asks, very seriously. Her glasses are sliding off her nose. “Don’t you lie to me. I’ll know.”

 “Not really?” He’d kind of googled ‘small town’ and ‘West Coast’ and ‘house for sale,’ because ‘where to go after retiring at age 34’ hadn’t given him a lot of useful results (or any).

 “This is a very small town, and I know this because I never left this place,” Deidre says. “No one comes here unless they were trying to get away from somewhere. A girlfriend, maybe?”

 Before Sidney can say anything, she quickly adds, “Boyfriend?”

 His hands stop for a briefly moment, but he catches himself and gets back into the rhythm of piping the cupcake. “Um.”

 “Anyways,” Deidre says, already moving on and washing her hands, “I’ve been thinking of naming the desserts. Like a person name. I think it’d give them character, help them sell better. I’d want to name a cheesecake after my mother—that was her favorite thing to make when I was little, but I never really got the hang of messing around with cream cheese. What do you think?”

 Sidney nods because it doesn’t matter to him either way. He’s suddenly struck with the fact that he hasn’t called Geno in weeks, even though he told Geno he would right after he’s settled in. And Geno hasn’t texted either, which aches like a dull, forgotten thing at the pit of his stomach.

 He doesn’t have the heart to be the one to break their silence streak, because there’s a tiny part of him that’s still that afraid if he hears Geno’s voice, sounding so far away, he’d want to fly right back where he started, to break his heart all over again.

 One afternoon, he’s making tags for the mini cakes and cookies with Deidre when, out of the blue, he blurts out, “I, uh, I really wasn’t lying. I had to leave my job because of medical reasons. My knee, it’s not—I can’t strain it too much. And um—he wasn’t a boyfriend. It wasn’t…it wasn’t ever going to happen.”

 He kind of wants Deidre to spit out some sage, grandmotherly advice, not unlike a fortune cookie. He could use a fortune cookie. She has four kids, after all, all scattered in cities across the East Coast or the Bay Area, working in tech or finance or whatever the hell she had said. But she merely pats his arm and nods.

 “Well, you have Cardwell Point now, if you want it,” she says, finishing up the lettering on her sign with a loopy ‘y’ for Lily. “There. My mother’s name. This one will be for the mini-cheesecakes. When I figure out how to make them right.”

 He doesn’t know if that’s what he’s waiting for. But he’s spent so long chasing after things he can’t have that Deidre unofficially gifting him Cardwell Point makes his chest bubble up with something wonderful. He ducks his head low and finishes up cursive ‘a’ on his own card.

Day 65 into retirement, and Sidney doesn’t write a tell-all, post-retirement article about his life and regrets like what Deadspin is probably salivating for. (To be fair, Sidney doesn’t even know who to go to first to start publishing something like that.)

 It’s way worse.

 He opens an Instagram account.

 @DeesBakeryCafe

Come in to see us and these lemon-curd filled, poppy seed muffins (The Trina) tomorrow! Happy Friday, everyone.

 The muffins are artfully placed next to the window seat, where the sunlight gleams off the drizzled glaze. It gets 56 likes, which Sidney honestly believes might be just about the general portion of the town who have working smartphones and knows how to use it.

 To Sidney’s surprise, they sell out the next day. Seeing Deidre’s display case empty at least an hour before they close and listening to Deidre chatter excitedly over their next seasonal item feels almost as exhilarating as winning a game. Maybe even just as good.  

 He only wishes he’d stop wondering what Geno would say if he knows what Sidney is up to. If he’d even want to know.

[maydei]

What is it about Hannibal (the show + person) and his relationship with will that you absolutely love about? They do seem like an interesting couple (I haven’t seen the movie so I cannot relate much) but what about them? I genuinely curious and am interested with your thoughts and opinions.

Hi Anon!! This is a really big question, but I’ll do my best to answer it. I’m definitely gonna put most of this under a cut, because it got really, really long.

First of all, the relationship that I love in regards to the Will//Hannibal dynamic comes from the TV show Hannibal, which was written by Bryan Fuller and ran on NBC from 2013-2015. It was an extraordinarily unique and in-depth take on the Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham friendship that was based on the books, insofar that Will Graham was one of the few who deeply understood Hannibal Lecter prior to the revelation that he was a cannibal. Of course, Bryan took that concept several steps further.

My first suggestion? If you can stomach any kind of horror or gore, watch Hannibal. It is without a doubt the best television show I’ve ever seen, if only because it is visually beautiful, every character is complex and has clearly outlined motivations of their own, and is a really deeply intellectual piece of media. It’s not an easy watch, and I don’t mean that because of content. The story itself, the character drives, even the dialogue will challenge you. It’s not something you just sit down and understand, it really did take a lot of work for me to grasp the full spectrum of what was going on at any given time during my first watch. I’d never encountered something that pushed me that hard before, and even with a week between episodes or more (since I watched when it was originally airing), I was often left like ?????. Think of it like Black Mirror, except every episode is tied together. It’s gonna screw with you a little, so you’ll want to be prepared. 

The thing other than the fantastic writing that brings this show and these characters to life: the actors. Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal Lecter presents a character that you better not take your eyes off even once. Hannibal says things so smoothly and with such conviction, but it’s only if you watch his face at all times that you will see the micro-expressions of what he is actually thinking and feeling. There’s a reason he’s often referred to as the Devil, as smoke. 

Hugh Dancy as Will Graham presents a man who is haunted by his own desires from empathizing too closely with killers. He can feel what murderers feel, and that gives him a unique perspective. He puts himself inside their minds to recreate their thought processes as they kill, and that gets to him. It haunts him, and sticks with him. It puts him in the position of needing someone to help him find his way back to himself when he gets in too deep.

It’s such a unique dynamic. I really couldn’t tear myself away. And that’s only where their story begins.

It starts as a sense of curiosity. Hannibal by nature and necessity is a solitary creature, and he has been pretty damn happy that way. When Jack Crawford asks him to profile Will Graham and clear him for field work, it is a unique opportunity for him as an already-established killer to see inside the workings of the FBI. That’s advantageous for him, of course. He can then keep tabs on the investigation against him. But in the process, he discovers Will, who thinks like a killer. Will, who has forcibly shoved his own personality into a very safe box of isolation and rescued dogs and fly fishing, things that require control and perfection. Will uses these constructs as shields to keep the darkness inside him at bay. He absorbs killers to gain their insights, but once they are inside, he has a really hard time getting rid of them. 

It may seem backwards, but despite Hannibal meeting other killers who are very much like him, he ultimately rejects them because he doesn’t want someone exactly like himself. He wants Will because he is so incredibly human, but trying so hard to restrain his own darkness. What Hannibal wants above all is to set him free, come hell or high water. And fundamental transformations can be exquisitely painful, even in their beauty. Hannibal wants to see what will happen.

The Hannibal/Will relationship doesn’t stay stagnant, ever. There is a constantly shifting dynamic of power once we reach S2 and Will is aware of Hannibal’s nature. Will puts himself in a position to learn more about Hannibal, and in doing so, finds himself feeling the pull that Hannibal described, discovering the ways in which they are so alike. And the tension in these scenes is indescribable. If you’ve seen any of the gifsets I’ve reblogged, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Every molecule of space between them is charged with intent. Every word is carefully weighted. Every glance is measured to not be too soon or too late, hoping to glimpse beneath the other’s veneer of civility and see the creature inside. They are so cruel to each other as they learn one another, but in their cruelty, they push each other to higher heights, and the friendship never quite fractures. 

In a word, they get close. There are moments standing in firelight and shadow, genuine smiles shared, tension that builds and grows until every inch of darkness between them is thick with it. Flirtatious glances. Familiar, intimate touches that hold such rich subtext. They understand each other like no one else does. They stand on the very edge of becoming something more, becoming family, when everything collapses, and they are both devastated by it.

Their relationship is the very definition of “can’t live with him, can’t live without him”. They are described by others as being “identically different”, as being “nakama [friends, but more like… family. like a group of people tied together by life and circumstance who would not easily be broken apart]”. 

Hannibal’s revelation of love for Will Graham comes in their separation. It hits him like a train, to be honest. It’s the first time the viewer realizes that underneath the very polite and elegant and put-together man that covers the vicious killer, he really does crave companionship. Even in his solitary life, Hannibal has never been actually solitary. He fills the gaps in with friends and acquaintances, people he cares for to an extent, but mostly people he uses for their advantageous nature. Will is the first person who really sees Hannibal down to his bones, and the loss of him, and the loss of their mutual potential, deeply wounds him. 

Like. I can’t even fully explain all the things about these characters that get to me. I think the thing I like most is that, even as a serial killer, Hannibal is still so very human. He finds pleasure in art and architecture. He enjoys history and philosophy and educational pursuits. He’s a talented artist and musician and chef. He gets annoyed by rude people the same as the rest of us. The main difference is that he eats them. 

This show is visceral. It’s a game of cat and mouse, a chessboard of intellectual bad decisions, but every choice is born from emotional need. And the best thing about it is that Bryan Fuller fully accepts, welcomes, and acknowledges the love between Hannibal and Will canonically in the show. Not just “haha that’s gay” jokes. Everyone else can see it. Everyone has some sort of parting shot about it. But in the end, even Will is faced with the point-blank realization that, yes, Hannibal is in love with him, and has the question turned back on him: but do you ache for him?

By the end, there is no doubt that the call has been heard, and the draw between them culminates in what Hannibal has really desired all along: he and Will hunting together, fighting together. Achilles and Patroclus, as they have been described by Hannibal himself. 

This show is a masterpiece, honestly. It unfolds the confines of civility and sees predators set free. It sees them together, reunited. It sees them in love. It sees them from beginning to end, where even the end is not really the end. 

I dearly, desperately hope for a season four of this show. I’m comforted by the fact that all the writers, producers, and actors have voiced their support of doing so, if they can find a production company to pick them up and get the rights of the other Hannibal characters [re: SotL] the way Bryan desires.

The fandom is incredible. Everyone is a little bit older than my prior fandoms, and people tend to be well-seasoned to the concept of reading what they enjoy and silently passing over things that are not to their tastes. There’s… not really any fighting the way there is in other fandoms. Those who disagree have civilized discussions, because the first and foremost rule of the fandom is the first and foremost rule of understanding Hannibal Lecter: “Whenever possible, one should always try to eat the rude.�� 

And the fandom is alive!! It’s actively creating new art and new gifsets and new fics and new everything every day, and not on a small scale, either. There are thousands of people still out here eagerly awaiting the revival of a truly groundbreaking show that showcased LGBT relationships (not just Hannibal and Will, mind you. Margot/Alana is real and alive and nourishes my soul to this day), a diverse cast, riveting and powerful female characters, and the kind of plotline and visual storytelling that the ancients would weep if they could see. 

TLDR:  I love this fandom. I love these characters. I love these monsters, and I see myself inside them in ways that is absolutely concerning to polite society. I love the imagery, the depth of morality. I love that it’s feasible for me to write a fic in which the characters can love each other and are constantly working around one another to achieve their own ends, and that every fic I read by everyone else has a different insight to their relationship. That every fic I read is a fucking masterpiece, seriously, oh my god, the quality of fiction in this fandom is so high, it’s amazing. 

Join us, Anon. The Atlantic is a little chilly this time of year, but you’ll get used to it, I promise.

[yessoupy]

annual writing self-evaluation

All answers should be about works published in 2018.

tagged by: @ferryboatpeak ⚾

i. Optional if applicable: link to last year’s self evaluation:

honestly i don’t remember if i did one

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

At The Very Least (Lilo)

pastoralis princeps (dactylic hexameter about harry and farm animals)

don’t think, you can only hurt the ballclub (chapman/olson, oakland A’s)

Shared Space (desus, the walking dead)

A Taste Of Your Own (hitch)

ilia rumpens (desus)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

MOST proud of... probably the mlb slash. I hadn’t published anything in that fandom seriously since December 2013 and if you know anything about the A’s, you know there’s like hardly anyone (Marcus Semien??) left from that season. When I got my camera I ended up with dozens of shots of Marcus and Matt Olson fucking around during warmups and I thought for months that when I finally wrote A’s slash again that would be the pairing but heartbreak will change you. I placed them in the rented house that the young bachelors of the early 00′s A’s had rented to reference the intense nostalgia I’d felt the entire season. The only really surprising thing is that this wasn’t fic about Tim Lincecum finally accepting that he was out of baseball and making a life for himself again. I guess I’ll write that when (IF) we get a retirement announcement.

Another reason I’m proud of this is that I was writing for basically one other person who didn’t know I was writing it and it’s not even her team, but I knew she’d read it. So it was truly a labor of love.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

The pinch-hitting I did for the exchange I ran. I posted it in the day between my Texas Harry shows (and the afternoon before I got to the ballpark at Arlington to see NICK MARTINI had made it up) and I think if I’d had like ... a week of summer break to just focus on it it could have been much better. I’d actually cribbed a shitload of stuff from this thing I was writing for baseball that there was no way I’d ever finish/publish because I’d gotten too close to the player.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

here’s a lil bit from each fandom, how’s that?

hitch, the reveal

The poetic license, Harry’s tongue flicking out to wet his lips as the arena fills in the wrong phrase, over and over, what he’d actually had and not what had sat there as a provocation on his person as Harry had leveled that slow-blink up at him and slithered down off the couch, naked still but for the ink needled into his skin. Mitch hasn’t recovered, not fully, for during these few minutes when Harry closes his eyes and embodies Mitch’s own confession in front of thousands of strangers he’s back on the couch.

TWD (shared space), daryl being daryl. helpful, but also generally confused by civilization.

Daryl clocked a shocked look on the face of one of the workers from the Kingdom. He glared until the man got his eyes off the pair. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Paul.” He kept his mouth shut the rest of the way to the kitchens where they were greeted like conquering heroes for their haul. He tried to put Paul’s weird shit aside and he succeeded for awhile. He took a watch shift out beyond the wall for a couple hours and repaired one of their fences inside. Maggie made a face at him when he trekked through Barrington House looking for some tool or another one of the construction guys was asking about.

“Least take off your shoes at the door, Daryl.”

Daryl was rummaging in a drawer in the kitchen and gave her a disbelieving stare. “You serious?”

“We’re building a civilization and you’re tracking in God knows what from God knows where.”

“Never bothered you before.” He spied a pair of vise grips and yanked them out of the drawer. Wrong tool for every job, he thought, should do the trick. “Anything else you gotta tell me?”

“Real glad to see you and Jesus hitting it off.”

Daryl rolled his eyes and slid the drawer shut. “Alright. I’m leaving.”

“I’m just saying.”

“Bye!”

baseball, the consummate professional being made aware of something not baseball.

Maybe Matt shouldn’t have been surprised by any of this. Maybe this was where everything had always been going, this instead. With Olson’s mouth working over his slowly, gently, one hand hooked around his side and the other holding his head in place, maybe the 2018 season wasn’t about playing deep into October, but instead priming him for this moment right here. He’s never had a thought like that, that something was more than baseball, and it’s fitting that should come right here, wrapped up in his first baseman’s arms with the breath kissed out of him.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

@the-well-rested-one sent me a really nice message about the hitch fic, about how it has impact for being so short. When I was writing it I let a lot of conventions fall by the wayside in the effort to get the idea out of my head (idea was conceived and executed over the course of one day) so it was v nice to hear it had impact. My fandom buddy also screenshot the first paragraph and circled where I’d had “the the” and I also v much appreciated that. 😂

additionally, @runthroughthegarden‘s comments on my dactylic hexameter were such a pleasant surprise and i can now announce that i officially have a beta for my latin verse going forward. lollllllllllllllll

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Well, when your fave character is still alive (and in a happy relationship with his boyfriend) in the original source material but you’ve known for months they’re killing him off, the week before the episode where that actually happens is a v difficult week. Although based on when my works are published, you could say that the first 5 months of the year is difficult.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

Oh well, I never had any intention to write from Mitch’s POV but it was surprisingly easy. I think it helped a lot to remember he was from Indiana (a state I know well) and had he been 15 years older he’d have been recording tracks in my uncle’s basement. Also so many of us feel like Harry caught us unawares and we were helpless in the face of his charms, and that’s Mitch.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

Hmmm. Well, I finally wrote TWD fic after having been in fandom since the beginning???? That’s 2010, folks. Finally felt like I had a handle on Daryl Dixon.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

It’d be great to actually have the ability to write something long. I feel like the ideas I have are for short pieces.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Let’s go with @chasm2018 because without her I definitely wouldn’t have written that hitch fic. She’s good at pushing me to write what I don’t actually NEED to be writing but absolutely SHOULD be writing.

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

Oh that lilo fic for sure. And We Are All Mitch.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

IDK that it’s new, more like reinforced, but just fucking write what you want to write. 

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I can’t believe I left Poe and Marek alone this entire year, seems unbelievable. I didn’t REALLY, because there’s a couple of docs I definitely fucked around in (including one with Marek and Caz), but nothing got anywhere close to a complete story. I’ll rectify that in 2019.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

not tagging anyone specifically but if you’re reading this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged (and pls tag me so i can read yours).

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 8x23: “Sacrifice”

THE ROAD SO FAR: Kicking ass, taking names. Dean got out of Purgatory. Sam hit a dog. Kevin discovered the way to close the Gates of Hell forever. Abaddon is in the wind. Naomi mind-controlled Cas. The trials are “purifying” Sam. Metatron. Crowley is putting the Winchesters in a difficult place. What will they do now?

(Set to the show’s official/unofficial theme song.)

Aww Jody!

Roderick. Crowley used his human middle name as an alias.

Why must I always be reminded of what Jody went through?

Man, Jody was just trying to get back on the dating scene. She didn’t deserve to almost die.

“You have less than one minute before a very dear, attractive, and slightly tipsy friend of yours snuffs it.”

“Call it off, Crowley.”

“Because?”

“Because it's over, you son of a bitch. We want to deal.”

Did the Winchesters already have their plan?

“First, I need to hear two little words -- I surrender.”

The show never let us hear Dean say “I surrender”. Good.

Nice location.

“You hid the Demon Tablet underneath the devil? Seriously?”

Sam looking like a real supermodel.

“All right, listen, this is a secret lair. You understand me? No keggers.” Kevin’s our next guest in the Bunker.

Houston, Texas. (Aaayyyy, my hometown!)

“What was he like?”

“Who? Oh. God? Mm, pretty much like you'd expect. Larger-than-life, gruff, bit of a sexist. But fair -- eminently fair.”

Hmm. I’d say that’s a good description.

The second “angel trial”: retrieve Cupid’s bow.

:Cas didn’t want to kill again.

Sioux Falls, South Dakota. 

At Bobby’s old scrapyard. (I bet it was Crowley’s idea to meet up here.)

There’s Bobby’s car. :( (Isn’t there any way they can take it with them and have it at the Bunker?)

“You know why I always defeat you? It's your humanity. It's a built-in handicap.“ Huh, didn’t Soulless Sam say something similar?

Who’s plan was this?

“Sooner or later, you're gonna have to face it -- you're ours. Which means that your demon ass is going to be a mortal ass pretty damn quick.”

“What's he mouthing on about?”

“You're the third trial, Crowley.”

Oohh!!!

“Would you say that you're looking for, uh, a partner in crime... ...or, uh, someone who's into nurse role-play and light domination?”

“Brother, it's 10:00 a.m. on a Tuesday.”

I love Cas.

(Okay, but tell me that doesn’t describe Destiel. Partners in crime, where one is into nurse role-play, Cas, and light domination, Dean.)

NOO, NOT THE BARTENDER.

“Stop. Please, Castiel, don't make this any worse. Please.”

“How you feeling?”

“Honestly, for the first time in a long time, it feels like we're gonna win. I'm good.”

Aww.

“You ever, uh -- you ever done the ‘forgive me, father’ before?”

“Well, once, when we were kids.”

What did Sam say back then?

“I have no clue what to say now.”

“Well, I mean, I could give you suggestions if you want.”

“O-okay. Yeah, sure.”

“All right. Well, I'm just spit-balling here, but if I were you, uh... Ruby, killing Lilith, letting Lucifer out, losing your soul, not looking for me when I went to Purgatory--”

Yeah Sam, you got a list.

“Well, that was you.”

“...Carry on.”

Pfftt. 

We won’t get to see Dean’s confessional until S10, I think.

“Okay, um...if anybody's listening, here goes.” I would’ve liked to have seen Sam’s confession.

Cas has come to Dean for help.

Metatron, meet Naomi.

Who would’ve known that between these two evils, Naomi was the lesser one?

"Of the blessings set before you, make your choice and be content." I do like that.

“Metatron, the guy who was full-on crazy, cat-lady-hoarder angel yesterday -- now he wants to save Heaven?”

“Yes, he wants to. But I'm the only one in who can. I can't fail, Dean, not on this one. I need your help.”

NOOO. What did I say about being the “only one” being shady??

“Now, if anybody needs a chaperone while doing the heavy lifting, it's Sam.” Of course that’s when Sam had to walk in.  

“Start the injections now. If I'm not back in eight hours, finish it, no questions, no hesitation.”

The third trial has officially begun.

“According to your own words this morning...this is not what I do. It's what I did. You told me I was out, Dean.”

“There is no out. Only duty.” Damn, Cas.

“...until the day you cease to exist, and then another Prophet takes your place.”

I love that Cas has to add that technicality.

Owww, Crowley! That hurt me.

He got a good amount of blood too.

Oh, we ‘bout to get it!!

“Your, uh, buddy over there thinks you saved his life.” AWW. Cas probably went over and healed him after the angels had left.

This could’ve been one of the last times Dean and Cas have a conversation...and it’s about whether Cas might die soon.

“So this is it? E.T. goes home.” You know damn well Cas doesn’t understand pop culture.

Gail, our Cupid.

“Damn, that's sweet.” “ Damn, that's sweet.”

There it was.

"Nice to Be with You” by Gallery.

Dean’s just in total awe.

I’m so proud my hometown is canonically the location of that scene.

Crowley would be singing that song. “Changes” by David Bowie.

“Hello, boys.”

Ouch. There went Sam.

“Give us your bow.” Slow your roll, Cas.

“Talk first, stab later.”

“Do you know what I find the most shocking about time-traveling through a closet and landing in the year 2013? Somebody thought it was a good idea to make you the King of Hell.”

“Right now, you and I are gonna talk about regime change.”

Burned Abaddon to a crisp. Good job, Sam.

Cas acquires cupid’s bow.

“...to sit at God's feet, to be asked to write down his word? The ache I felt when he was gone, telling myself, "Father's left, but look what he's left us -- paradise." But you and your Archangels couldn't leave well enough alone. You ran me from my home. Did you really think you could do all of that to me and there'd be no payback?”

Naomi ain’t buying it...but she seems to have figured out what he’s really up to.

Oh, is this the scene with Crowley?

It is!

“We just shared a foxhole, you and I. We beat back the Tet Offensive, outrun the --the Rape of Nanking together! And still you're gonna do me like this?! Aah! Aah! ‘Band of Brothers’? ‘The Pacific’? None of this means anything to you? All those motels, you never once watched HBO, not once? ‘Girls’? You're my Marnie, Moose. A-and Hannah -- she just --she needs to be loved. She deserves it.”

Wow. Fine acting form Mark Sheppard there.

“Would it be possible, Moose...I'd like...to ask you a-a favor, Sam. Earlier, when you were confessing back there...what did you say? I only ask because, given my history...it raises the question... Where do I start...to even look for forgiveness?” Mark Sheppard is truly doing a great job.

Human!Crowley was wonderful.

“Come on, Kev! We're on the one-yard line here.”

“Okay, a-and I should have mentioned this six months ago, but the sports metaphors -- y-you want to motivate me, "Magic" cards, "Skyrim," Aziz Ansari.”

“What? Yeah, I don't know what those words mean.”

Pfft.

“Metatron isn't trying to fix anything. He's trying to break it -- an act of revenge for driving him away.”

“Break it how?”

“Expel all Angels from Heaven, just as God cast out Lucifer.”

“Cast you out? To where? Hell?”

“Here. Thousands of us, walking the Earth.”

Naomi’s telling the truth.

Dean can stop a powerful warrior with one touch.

“If Sam completes those trials, he is going to die.” Oh dear.

“I will listen.”

“Dean, I'm not wrong. I'm going to fix my home.” I’m not sure which I consider more painful: that Cas was wrong, or that Cas still considered heaven his home.

Now knowing that Naomi’s still alive, it’s kinda obvious that a drill to the head wouldn’t have killed her and she was just catatonic here.

“She told you I lied, didn't she? You should've listened to the bitch.” Metatron, you asshole.

“What's going on? Where's Cas?!”

“Metatron lied. You finish this trial, you're dead, Sam.”

“So?”

That one little word shattered my heart.

“These were never trials, Castiel. This is a spell. And what I'm taking from you now -- your essence, your Grace -- is the last piece.”

The moment that changed Cas forever.

“Think about it. Think about what we know, huh? Pulling souls from Hell, curing demons, hell, ganking a Hellhound! We have enough knowledge on our side to turn the tide here.” 2 of these 3 things will come back. They’ll work a case that involves killing a hellhound in S12, and even sooner than that, they’ll cure demon!Dean.

“You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again. What happens when you've decided I can't be trusted again?”

(So Sam was jealous of Cas?)

“Hold on, hold on! You seriously think that? Because none of it -- none of it -- is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy...come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.”

Dean loves his little kid brother very much, and it is the backbone of this show.

“Hey, listen,we will figure it out, okay, just like we always do. Come on.”

“Castiel?! Where the hell are you?” Cas can’t come to the phone right now.

And where the hell was Kevin gonna go??

What a tragic and beautiful shot.

“Angels. They’re falling.”

[paene-umbra]

For the ask thingy: all of ‘em. ❤️

First of all, thank you so much for asking me this! You’re awesome for taking pity on me and on all my followers by asking me a question and stopping my incessant begs for anon messages. 

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I think they are fairlyimportant, yes. I think a relationship cannot do well unless you are attractedto your partner. I don’t mean to say that you always have to think your partneris the hottest person alive, but I think eventually you start to see them asmore and more attractive because you’re associating feelings with their face.

2.Are relationships ever worth it?

Yes, they are!! Even if they don’tlast forever, they still teach you things about yourself and what you like or don’tlike.

3.Are you a virgin?

No.

4.Are you in a relationship?

Yes, I am, and my man is goodto me. He helps me be better.

5. Are you in love?

Not yet.

6.Are you single this year?

Hell no.

7.Can you commit to one person?

Yes. I don’t share and I want myperson to make me feel special and I can’t feel special if someone isn’t givingme their full affection.

8.Describe your crush

Uhhhh, I’ll describe my boyfriend.He’s tall and handsome and muscular. His eyes are hazel and beautiful, and he’sgot the cutest crooked smile. Sometimes he laughs and it sounds so joyful and verysurprised, like he was trying not to laugh but it burst out of him. Sometimes Itease him and he holds his mouth open indignantly but he smiles while he doesit.

9.Describe your perfect mate

I think creating the idealperson in your head sets you up for disappointment and heartbreak. So, for a “perfectmate” I think I would just want someone who treats me right and understands myfaults and shortcomings and is compassionate of them, but also doesn’t let memake excuses and always tries to make me be the best version of myself.

10.Do you believe in love at first sight?

No. Love is something thatgrows over time. I think your can lust for someone immediately, but feelingstake time.

11.Do you ever want to get married?

I’m not sure, but definitelynot in front of hundreds of people. My love is to be shared with my person, notall our friends and family. If I ever did get married, it would be a small oneor an elopement.

12.Do you forgive betrayal?

Generally, no. People have toearn forgiveness now, I don’t just hand it out left and right anymore. If youbetray me, knowing full well that I am understanding and compassionate and havea huge heart, that’s on you. I can learn to live without anyone.

13.Do you get jealous easily?

Unfortunately, yes. I try notto, but I have low self esteem and if I’m not very clearly and obviously someone’sfavorite person it is hard to make sense in my head whether they like me atall. I always feel like I am the one who likes my person more than they likeme, and I hold them to unreasonable standards of the attention and affectionthat I want from them, and I get jealous when they talk about other people whenI think they should be talking about me. It’s terrible and I need to be betterthan I am.

14.Do you have a crush on anyone?

My boyfriend : )

15.Do you have any piercings?

Yup. Septum (14g), two earpiercings in each ear that are all stretched (the second holes are stretched to2g but I am trying to let them heal up for now and my first holes are stretchedto 5/8in), and my nipples (14g).

16.Do you have any tattoos?

Yup. I’ve got a spade outlineon my right wrist (for asexuality lmao) and I’ve got the Lonely Mountain fromThe Hobbit tattooed in the crook of my left elbow.

17.Do you like kissing in public?

Small pecks are okay but makingout in front of other people is unacceptable.

18.Do you shower every day?

Yeah, every morning before I startmy day.

19.Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Pretty sure my man does.

20.Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Probably not. Unless it’s mydad, but I don’t care about that.

21.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Yes. Cheating is unacceptable.I will never cheat. Ever. If you can put your partner out of your mind longenough to let someone else into their place, you don’t love your person and youshould let them go.

22.Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

No. I don’t know if I could trustsomeone enough to marry them, and definitely not in as little time as 5 years.

23.Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

Already am.

24.Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes, a few people. People haveonly recently started fighting not to lose me and I thrive off that shit. Ithelps me know my worth, which is something I struggle with.

25.Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

My best friend from middleschool wrote a song about how ugly I was in middle school. We are not friendsanymore and that ruined my self esteem for a very long time.

26.Have you ever been cheated on?

Not that I know of.

27.Have you ever cheated on someone?

Never. See question 23.

28.Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change aboutyour body?

I have, but not seriously. I wouldget my chin done to make it sharper and probably smoothing to make my eyes lesshooded and more even. And maybe something to make my mouth bigger and my cheeksless chubby/more pointed.

29.Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Yes, unfortunately. But I am workingon that and being better than that. 2018 is the year of knowing my worth andnot letting people hurt me.

30.Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Yeah lmao. He knew andexploited me for it. Fuck that guy.

31.Have you ever had sex with a man?

Yes.

32.Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Not yet.

33.Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yup. My boyfriend is 2 yearsolder than me.

34.Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah lmao I had a huge crush onmy best friend from high school. She told me that she would have dated me if I wasborn a boy and that confused the hell out of me because I would have dated her despiteus both being born as girls. I didn’t understand why she thought it was bad fortwo girls to date each other if they liked each other.

35.Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Yeah, my ex was obnoxious, anda lot of people hated him and did not like being around me while he was there,and often told me that I deserved better and that I should dump him. I cravedlove and was so terrified of being alone that I continued to date him until hegot tired of me. I was thinking about breaking up with him for weeks leading upto our split but could never force myself to do it. I’m glad he finally didbecause neither of us were happy. Long story short, I should have listened tomy friends who hated him.

36.Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yeah, my ex from question 35.He was my best friend and I never expected to like him.

37.Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

I don’t think so, but probably.

38.Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

Yes, but I would never evergive anything like that to someone. I used to write poems about my friends. I don’tthink I am a great creative writer, but I might be some day if I practice andmaybe got some prompts from people.

39.Have you had sex so far this year?

Yes.

40.How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Maybe a minute or two.

41.How long was your longest relationship?

Ten months is my longest (itwas my very first relationship) but I’m creeping up on 7 with my currentboyfriend and I think we will last a while. He makes me confront our problemsinstead of ignoring them and letting them fester. He wants healthy and I wanthealthy too.

42.How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

Two total. One ex and onecurrent.

43.How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

None, lmao. I was in middleschool and VERY UGLY and nobody was interested in me.

44.How many times did you have sex last year?

Less than 15 times.

45.How old are you?

19!

46.If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I don’t know. I would probablydie a little bit inside and tell them to go after the person they like.

47.If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

The way he squeezes me sometimeswhen we’re laying in his bed, as if he can’t pull me close enough. About himunrelated to me, I like how strong and confident he is and how involved he getsin everything he does. I am constantly impressed by him.

48.If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, wouldyou accept?

Nope. I’m good, luv, enjoy.

49.Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

My nephews! I love them somuch.

50.Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Not at the moment.

51.Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I don’t think so, and even ifthey are, I don’t care.

52.Is there someone you will never forget?

I don’t forget anyone.

53.Share a relationship story.

The other day, my man and I weresitting on his bed and we got caught up talking and he ended up telling me thatI have been doing really well (emotionally and mentally) and that he was proud ofme.

54.State 8 facts about your body

I am of average height, I have brownhair, fingers on both my hands have semi-permanent indentions from my rings, mynails are square-shaped, my back hurts 100% of the time, I wear glasses, mybody craves healthy food often, my stomach is repulsed by any meat that isn’t chickenor sliced deli meats.

55.Things you want to say to an ex.

Nothing. I’m at peace and I don’twant to waste any more time on someone who isn’t worth it.

56.What are five ways to win your heart?

Bring me snoballs, play with myhair, text/snapchat me often, save my selfies, hold my hand in public.

57.What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

Add me on snapchat to find out.My username is “ughlaney”

58.What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

The biggest age gap I’ve ever hadis 2 years. I don’t like big age gaps in relationships, especially if I’m theolder person.

59.What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Probably how often they smile orfrown. I’m big on “vibes” from people, and I try to read them as quickly aspossible to figure out what that person is gonna be like. And by vibes, I mean bodylanguage and comments that a lot of people don’t pick up on.

60.What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

I don’t really think I findpeople sexy.

61.What is your definition of “having sex”?

One person inserting something intoanother person. Fingers, toys, other body parts, etc.

62.What is your definition of cheating?

Anything that you wouldn’t doin front of your significant other is cheating. If you wouldn’t do it in theroom with them, that’s cheating. If you know they would be hurt by what your doing,that’s cheating.

63.What is your favourite foreplay routine?

Oh gosh. I dunno.

64.What is your favourite roleplay?

I don’t roleplay.

65.What is your idea of the perfect date?

Hmmmmm… I think a really nice datewould be dinner (sushi probably, with Bang Bang shrimp!!!) with lots of talking,maybe a movie where my person holds my hand and rubs their fingers on mine andoccasionally pulls my hand to their mouth and kisses it, then we go back to theirhouse and hang out and talk some more and just lay with each other and enjoyour time. Maybe some sexy times but that’s not required.

66.What is your sexual orientation?

Unspecified….

67.What turns you off?

Diapers and baby stuff, specificallysomeone soiling themselves.

68.What turns you on?

Moaning. Hearing people moan isLITERALLY the hottest thing ever. I like that.

69.What was your kinkiest wet dream?

I really don’t think I’ve everhad a wet dream before?? I don’t dream about sex.

70.What words do you like to hear during sex?

I don’t like talking duringsex?? It seems very uncomfortable and unnatural and I’m not good at it becausethere is too much pressure to sound sexy and my anxiety takes over and locks myvocal chords shut. If anything, I would like to be called baby or somethingcute.

71.What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Not sure. I know I don’t likepublic displays of affection because I get uncomfortable in front of people I’mnot close to. A really cute thing that my man did recently was bring me asnoball as a surprise to my office. It was nice to see him. I think I wouldjust like for my person to hold my hand and talk about me to other people.

72.What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Nice clothes. Since I’m going tobe stealing them anyway, I want them to look good.

73.What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

The sweetest thing anyone hasever done for me was when my man put his arms around me and walked me from hisliving room to his bedroom, still hugging me, and whispered everything he likedabout me into my ear. He said silly stuff that he liked, such as the way myteeth chatter when I’m cold, my smile, my voice, etc. It made my heart do theTHING^tm

74.What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I’m kind of a piece of garbagebecause I am not very creative and can’t ever think of sweet things to do. Orat least I can’t think of any cute things I’ve done.

75.What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

Depends on the size of the agegap and the age of the youngest person in the relationship. If the gap is largerthan 2 years, I don’t like it. If the younger person is still a teenager or inhigh school or whatever and the older person has graduated high school or arein college, I don’t like it. I think there is such a huge change in maturityand life experience just from going from 16 to 17 to 18 that anyone who is 20 (Iam being very generous with this age, because I do NOT like age gaps older than2 years so an 18yo could date a 20yo and like…..the maturity is still prettybig but I’ll let it slide) or older should NOT be talking to someone who stillhas a 1 in the tens place of their age. My own maturity and knowledge of theworld was wildly different from year to year, to the point where I was aCOMPLETELY different person at 16, 17, 18, and now 19 years old. I do notbelieve that relationships with larger age gaps (when the younger person is16/17/18/19) can be healthy because there is always that imbalance of power. Moretimes than I care to remember, I have seen older people, generally men,manipulate their much younger partners, generally women, and emotionally blackmailthem with comments like “if you were more mature you would agree with me/see mypoint/accept my behavior but I guess you’re still an immature kid” or anythingalong those lines. Like obviously there will be exceptions, but I really don’t believethat relationships with more than 2 years of gap when the younger person isyounger than 18 can be healthy.

76.What’s your dirtiest secret?

Oh gosh, I don’t think I haveany dirty secrets. Sexually I am pretty vanilla, and I don’t do many scandalousthings.

77.When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

I was jealous when my man was talkingabout his funny coworker. I tried not to be, but I can’t help it yet. I amworking on being a less jealous person though.

78.When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

My sorority sister said sheloved me and I said it back.

79.Who are five people you find attractive?

My MAN

80.Who is the last person you hugged?

My man!

81.Who was your first kiss with?

My ex.

82.Why did your last relationship fail?

I was too needy and he didn’t care.I was pretty fucked up, too. I look back and realize I had a lot of flaws that Iwas ignoring back then, and a lot of stuff that I put up with that I shouldn’t have.Badness on both parts.

83.Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

No. I need physical attention.

[bloody-maiden]

I did the elevator ritual. I think something followed me home. I haven't slept properly in days.

Hi NoSleep! Makayla again. The feedback on the hooded man honestly blew me away, thank you for showing such an interest! Glad to see me endangering my sanity is entertaining people. (I’m absolutely joking).

Link to the Hooded Man ritual I did on Wednesday night:http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/2mxfmk/so_i_did_the_hooded_man_ritual/

So, like two comments told me to do the elevator ritual, and I’d honestly never heard of it before this, and I was seriously intrigued. Read up on it, and it honestly didn’t need that much preparation so I figured it’d be quick and simple. It was honestly one of the most nerve wracking things I’ve done. (I did on Friday night and had every intention of uploading this on Sunday night, but shit broke loose).

To anyone who isn’t familiar to the game, should probably read this: http://blahknow.blogspot.ca/2013/08/games-you-dont-want-to-play-3.html

There is an apartment building about a five minute walk away from my house and it has 20 floors, so finding a building wasn’t an issue. I started walking there around 4:30am, since I didn’t want anyone to up and around and using the elevator. That would be a bitch to be honest. Everything was dark and silent and getting in wasn’t a problem. There was like one security guard outside the gates, but he didn’t seem to care much since I’m a tame looking 20 year old white girl; probably looked like I was coming back from a late Friday night party. Summonin’ demons n shit in your general vicinity, son.

There were stairs on the right and three elevators on the left, and everything was quiet. I got into one of the elevators (the one in the middle) and did the 4-2-6-2-10-5 combo, I won’t bore you with the details. When the elevator stopped at the 5th floor, I had to hold in a fucking scream because the “girl” was standing there almost in my face, and I had to try really, really hard not to stare her right in the fucking face. She wasn’t even a girl, she was more of a halo of dark energy that glowed really brightly, if that makes sense. I don’t remember much about her which is pretty fucking weird. She was wearing a dress of some sort though and had short dark hair.

I’ve done Ouija boards, I’ve done rituals, hell, I didn’t even panic like this during the Hooded Man, but being in that elevator with that girl made me internally freak out like nothing else. I shakily pressed one, and boom, the elevator started going up to the 10th floor. And instead of being relieved that I was doing it right, it made me panic for no fucking reason. The doors opened, right on the hallway of the 10th floor. I’ve never seen it before, in normal circumstances, but it was so…dark. I couldn’t see the end of the corridor, but right at the very end, I could see this strange dark glowing light. I shakily stepped foot out of the elevator, and in my head, all I could hear was a stupid whiny girl’s voice going, ‘Where are you going, Makayla?’

Of course the ritual said to ignore it, so I did, and leaving the girl standing there, I started walking down the hallway. As I progressed further past, the glowing light at the end of the hallway illuminated the space around me. The apartment doors on either side of me were rusted shut, like they hadn’t been opened in years, and as my eyes focused to the stupid darkness, I figured out that the red light was in fact a glowing cross. Not the Jesus crucification cross, but like, an addition sign if anything.

It was uneventful, for the most part, but the air was heavy with something, and it was making me really fucking antsy. Also, it felt like, the more I walked towards the cross, the more it grew away from me. I was pretty fucking determined to get to it, until those stupid doors started banging and rattling and knocking and it was the most terrifying fucking thing, fuck my life. No ritual has ever made me book it to the elevator like this one. Thank god, I took care to take the one I came in, because I couldn’t think straight at the time. This might even sound rushed because I don’t know what the fuck I was doing, I just wanted out. I don’t even want to write about it. I reached it fairly quickly, and I swear to god, I fucking stabbed that call button like nothing else. It took like ten fucking decades to show up, and those doors didn’t stop rattling until I was inside the elevator and hazily doing the combo.

I have never been more relieved to reach that first fucking floor. Everything looked normal, no more heavy air, no more darkness, security guard was still there, and yet I couldn’t stop fucking panicking. I ran home so fucking fast, and I know it sounds embarrassing now, because I didn’t even do anything, but I could not stop crying. I think the guard thought I was on something.

I got home, I watched a movie to make myself feel better. I even started writing the first part of this post, so if the first part sounds…cheerier than the second, it’s because I wasn’t as terrified then, as I am now. I even remember replying to someone’s reddit comment, saying I had done the ritual and I was alive and well and would write about it the following day.

I think I passed out around 7? Because I don’t remember falling asleep.

I woke up on that floor.

It was so fucking terrifying because I had been on my couch, and the ritual had said that if you made it home you wouldn’t be taken back, but yet there I was, passed out in that stupid carpeted hallway, with the air heavy around me, and no sunlight anywhere. There was no cross, but the panic I felt was like nothing fucking else, and I swear to god I’ve never run home this fast.

I didn’t even want to remember it, I didn’t want to write about it, I didn’t want to do anything, which is why I procrastinated making a post for so long. Something about this ritual fucking unhinged me, and although nothing happened the second time, just waking up there made me fucking nope. Today I finally built up the nerve to write about it, and I feel a bit better now, but I’m so fucking panicky and I feel so followed by something and I have no idea why. There’s nothing THERE. I haven’t slept properly since Sunday night, I feel like there’s someone looking at me all the time, and I want it to STOP.

A lot of people wanted me to do the midnight man, 3 kings and hide and seek alone, and I had plans to do the midnight man tonight, but after how shaken I still am, I think I’ll hold these off until the end of the week.

Thank you for the feedback, thank you for reading.

MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT STOP. I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING'S GOING TO JUMP ME I FEEL LIKE THERE'S SOMEONE IN MY HOUSE, EVEN THOUGH IM HOME ALONE. STOPSTOSPTOP.

by reddit user Makayladoesrituals (Source)

[adaralondon]

Looking at the Boy who died in Her Alley Way.

Although this poem was written in 1975 it seems to have a strange hint of nostalgia. Every time you turn on Channel Two Action News, Fox Five News, or CBS News there seems to be at least one young man whose life was taken. Although you do not know him personally, he was your brother, the kid in class that you never noticed, the boy who got off at the same bus stop as you. He was the neighbor you never spoke to but died in the same city, the same street, the same alley way as you. At first you may feel immune to effects of people like his deaths, but when it becomes an everyday occurrence it slowly seeps into your being, aggravates you. You feel as though you need to do something but there isn’t anything you can do but watch it happen over and over until eventually you’re guiltily trying to desensitize yourself, distance yourself from these emotions. This poem although 43 years old still holds much relevance in the present. Every emotion is portrayed perfectly as Gwendolyn Brooks uses this piece to express how common it is for a black boy to die using lyricism and the environment he lives in.

           Gwendolyn Brooks lived through a time where African Americans began to dabble in the arts: the Harlem renaissance. Although many great writers came out of this time, the musical genre known as the Blues was especially popular.

  “Ralph Ellison . . . defines the blues as ‘an impulse to keep the painful details and episodes of a brutal experience alive in one's aching consciousness, to finger its jagged grain, and to transcend it, not by the consolation of philosophy but by squeezing from it a near-tragic, near-comic lyricism. Langston Hughes . . . is in basic agreement when he writes: ‘sad as Blues may be, there's almost always something humorous about them--even if it's the kind of humor that laughs to keep from crying.’” (Werner)

 The essence of Blues music is conveyed perfectly in this piece.  The repetition of phrases like “I have” and “I never” not only present the lyrical patterns of the Blues but make it seem if she is having an argument with herself. “I have known this Boy before. / I have known this boy before, who ornaments my alley. / I never saw his face at all. /I never saw his future fall.” (Line 17-21) Not only does it give the poem its lyricalness and rhythm but also show an internal struggle: keep the situation impersonal or to personalize it. This struggle gives way the argument she has with herself throughout the entirety of the poem. (Man Versus Self conflict). She tries desperately to tell herself that perhaps it is right to not feel anything because she had no intimate relationship with him. He’s not a son, a friend, a relative, he was nothing. “

However, the same lines − “I have known this Boy before. / I have known this boy before, who ornaments my alley. / I never saw his face at all. /I never saw his future fall.” (Line 17-21) − could also be interpreted as feelings of shame, another topic the Blues frequently covers. Perhaps Brooks has this argument with herself because she does not know this boy, but this situation is so common that she should have known him. Yet he holds familiarity because he was her neighbor. They shared the same street, the same block, the same city. She had an indirect responsibility to look out for him because he was a member of her community during times of such racisms and civil unrest.  With this communal sense she could have stopped him from going down the path the may have led to his death:  the streets’, gang affiliation or even suicide. (since it’s never specified how exactly the boy died, one can only assume the worst-case scenario.)

I think that this is the reason she concedes to herself, admitting in the end that he did hold importance to her. “I have known this Boy before. / I have known this boy before, who ornaments my alley. / But I have known this Boy.” There’s an overarching feeling of guilt because she’s seen this same scene so many times and each time she does nothing about it. There is no community activism to warrant the change she seeks, yet she expects the deaths to stop happening without intervention. Hence the hints of frustration decorated through the poem as well.

Finally, when looking at this poem it’s important to also visualize the setting. The place you live has a lot to do with how you go about navigating life and how you live and die in particular. I feel as though this poem takes place in the boroughs/ghetto of New York. During 1975 New York was going through an incredibly hard time. The city was facing bankruptcy and the ‘war on drugs’ had been active as a policy for about 3 years and increased the presence of both police and police brutality tremendously. These things combined brought a wave of crime to New York in both murders and gang violence in impoverished areas.  

 “Gotham(New York) had an unprecedented fiscal crisis in 1975, and two years later the city descended into chaos after the power went out for 25 hours. New York City saw 1,814 homicides in 1980 — three times what we have today — while the population declined to just over 7 million from nearly 8 million a decade before.  At the same time, crack and heroin infested the city, driving the crime rate even higher.” (Sterbenz)

 The increased presence of crime in black communities allowed for people to easily get involved in a life filled with drugs and gang affiliation, doing what they felt necessary to survive. This also leads me to believe that the boy was murdered instead of having committed suicide. “The Shot that killed him yes I heard” (Line 8). It would also explain why the police were knocking on the narrator’s door. Usually when a suicide is committed or suspected of being committed the police tend to question the people closest to the victim. It would be no help to ask an unattached neighbor nor would it be important to inform them either.

           This poem is important in times today where we have seen an increase in the death of young black men in the last few years. I feel as though the lyrical touch Brooks put on the poem is to give us a way to lighten the pain felt with the seriousness of this situation. However, it doesn’t take away the feelings we are so used to feeling. Every day we see another person who looks like our son, our brother, our friend killed, and his life being reported on the news through some sort of criminal portrayal. These things hold relevance to us even 40 years later showing how much the times haven’t changed. Perhaps if more people read this work they would see how long we’ve really been suffering and strive for a change. Then maybe the death toll of young black bodies would slowly start to disappear, and the wounds would finally start to close.  

 Works cited:

Werner, Craig.  "Gwendolyn Brooks: Tradition Black and White."  Minority Voices 1.2 (1977): 27-38.

“Gwendolyn Brooks, ‘The Boy Died in My Alley’ .” Hysteria and Ideology in The Crucible, www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88v/brooks.html.

https://www.businessinsider.com/new-york-city-used-to-be-a-terrifying-place-photos-2013-7

[semperama]

would you care to summarize the golden days of pinto in a it was the best of times it was the worst of times kinda way for someone who never watched aos star trek until the year of our lord 2k17 and is now remorsefully looking at gifs of lost pinto interviews and going through a thousand pages worth of fic rec trying to grasp something that feels gigantic and yet so very distant and lost in cyber space. idk just talk about them

Anon, you sent me this forever ago, and I’m not sure if you’re still around to see the answer, but I hope you are! I’m SO sorry it’s taken me so long, but life got super lifey, and my inbox got incredibly...full. But I want to try to do this justice!

First off, I should say that I wasn’t around in the very beginning of Pinto fandom. I read a few fics here and there in the 2009-2012 time frame, but I didn’t fully jump into fandom until late 2013, after Into Darkness had come out. But due to the fact that I’ve obsessively watched and read old interviews for fic research, sometimes I feel like I was there for all of it. I at least know way more about their lives between 2006 to the present than I should, eep. 

That said: hopefully that gives you some hope as a newbie, because it’s definitely possible to catch up! Less of it is lost than you think. I recommend poking around YouTube for old interviews--but I’ll warn you: you WILL lose hours that way. This video is kind of a round up of some of the best moments, and it’s a great place to start. My all time favorite interview from the first press tour is this one (and here is part 2). Another good resource is this Pinto Starter Kit put together by Pintoinlove. It isn’t really up to date, but it’s a good place to go to for the older stuff that you may have missed! Here is a decent roundup video of the best moments from the most recent press tour too, and here is a roundup post I made of some of my own fav moments. One fun thing to do is to watch some of the old videos from the 2009 tour and then watch some of the ones from the Beyond tour and see how things have (OR HAVEN’T) changed. 

I’m realizing now that I’m not answering my question because I guess you specifically wanted MY take on the “golden days”. That again requires a caveat though, because I think the golden days of Pinto might actually be NOW, but the golden days of fandom (for me) were probably in the 2014-2015 time frame, just because that’s when everyone was most active with fic writing, the Pinto Kink Meme was in full swing, and the community felt a little more cohesive. That kind of feeling doesn’t last forever in any fandom, but I fully believe it can come back! These things tend to be cyclical. But in terms of Pinto themselves and the reasons to ship them, I don’t think there’s been a better time than the past year. From the middle of last year until recently, Chris and Zach have been spending more time together than they have in years! I keep meaning to do some kind of roundup post and maybe this will inspire me, but basically since the Beyond press tour, it seems like they might be making more of an effort to spend time together when they aren’t working. Zach stayed in LA a few extra weeks after the tour was over, Chris has gone to New York a couple times, they were at a wedding together, Zach went to see Chris on SNL, etc. etc. For people living on opposite coasts, they sure are seeing a LOT of each other these days, and it’s the best.

But anywho, I think one of the great things about these guys is their relative constancy. You really haven’t missed that much, because I don’t think much has changed over the years. They used to live really close to each other in LA, and now they live on opposite coasts, but their friendship is steady. The wordplay (as foreplay) is still alive. When they’re doing interviews together, they are more aware of each other than anyone else in the room. They have these complimentary personalities that haven’t changed too much over the years. They both bring out the best in each other and light up around each other (seriously, find pics of Zach when Chris is around vs. pics of Zach any other time, and tell me the man is not GLOWING). These things have always been true and always will be true. FOREVER AND EVER AMEN.

[her-culture]

Color and Casting

Colorism (According to Oxford’s Online Dictionary): prejudice or discrimination against individuals with a dark skin tone, typically among people of the same ethnic or racial group.

The “Brown Paper Bag” Test:

Black individuals with skin lighter than a brown paper bag would typically gain more privileges than those who had a darker complexion compared to the color of a brown paper bag. This test was mostly used in the 1900s to determine if a black person looked white enough to gain acceptance or admittance into the upper class part of society.

Color has been something that has separated many things - crayons, laundry, and especially people. While discrimination against people of color is often talked about and brought up on various platforms, it does not seem like there is enough being said about colorism within non-white communities, like the black community. As a dark skinned African-American woman in a colorful family, I’ve grown up hearing many sides of how black people tend to receive different treatment based on the shade of brown they are. For those on the outside looking in at this issue, I am going to explain the effects of colorism in two contemporary films.

Hollywood in general often receives a lot of controversy when it comes to who they choose for roles, especially in films that are supposed to receive a lot of attention when they hit theaters. One of the many reasons for why a movie’s casting can be controversial is when a role based on an actual person, a well known fictitious figure, or even an individual who ideally is supposed to be of a certain ethnic background- is portrayed by an actor who does not accurately fit the description. Whitewashing has been a big hot button topic lately, as there is a belief that movies will sell better if there is a well known white actor involved. There are far too many examples to highlight, but a few that caused major discussion were Emma Stone’s portrayal of an Asian woman in Aloha (2015), the three principle actors in The Last Airbender (2010), Ben Affleck portraying a Mexican-American man in Argo (2012), Tilda Swinton as a Buddist monk in Doctor Strange (2016), and Scarlett Johansson playing a character from Japanese anime in Ghost in a Shell (2017).

To many, these examples are clear indicators of of casting done incorrectly, but there are also examples with films featuring stories of people of color where the ethnic background is accurate but not the right skin color. Why is this so important? Well to start, many of the key issues and conflicts within these plots tend to stem from not just the background, but the appearance of the character. This is too crucial of a detail to get wrong, especially in films that wish to showcase a portrait of someone’s black experience. Skin color is a character in itself. This can not be overlooked, otherwise the story will lose some important value in its message. No matter how well an actor can transform themselves for a role, acting the part is really half of the battle.

NINA (2016)

Director Cynthia Mort, best known for writing for the sitcom Roseanne , released this film as her directorial debut. This biopic of the late, great singer and artist Nina Simone was already eleven years in the making, and many critics had voiced that it should never been released, as not enough research and care was taken with handling the story of an individual who was more than just a black woman with the blues. Mort had spent a day with Ms. Simone in the early 90s and didn’t know herself that it would one day be the inspiration for her first film as a director. She was no doubt in awe of the singer and wanted to do something to honor her memory. It is evident that Mort did her best to research many aspects of Simone’s life, but I believe that the biggest plight of her life was lost in translation, simply because Mort could not relate to the story. As a white woman, she did not consult nearly enough black women, or even those who knew Nina well in general to be able to authentically capture what really brought out the emotion behind Simone’s voice.

In 2012, it was announced that Zoe Saldana, a well-known black but light skinned actress, would take on the role of Nina Simone in Mort’s film.

This is where any potential for the film finding positive acclaim had diminished. Nina Simone’s daughter, Simone Kelly, had even mentioned publicly that Saldana was not the best choice to portray her mother. Because Nina Simone grew up in a time where she was told “her nose was too wide, her skin was too dark,” casting a woman who couldn’t naturally relate with that struggle took away a great deal of what made Ms. Simone so unique and powerful. Simone’s family and estate denounced any ties to the film and were very vocal about their outrage towards it. A white director sticking to the decision to use a light skinned woman (who in the picture above had to paint her face in order to appear to have ‘dark’ skin) is indirectly a display of anti-black racism and further proof that the closer a black individual is to whiteness, the more desirable they are. Nina Simone’s life and legacy completely defied this notion, yet this is how she is being represented and shown to audiences.

I do not doubt that Mort’s heart was in the right place, but I cannot forgive the fact that her mind was not. Those close to Ms. Simone and those who know well of her personality would agree that even Nina herself would be insulted by this if she were alive and knew that this is how she was being shown in a film.

The trailer of the film Nina:

 I personally cannot bring myself to watch the actual film based on what I’ve seen in this trailer alone. As a dark skinned woman, I know that I would certainly be offended if I knew a light skinned woman would be portraying me, since a huge part of my identity is based around how I learned to love the skin I’ve been given.

MARSHALL (2017)

Chadwick Boseman, a prominent black actor and dark skinned man, portrays Thurgood Marshall on screen. Boseman has actually got a great track record with representing the black community well. His filmography includes other starring roles in biopics such as 42 (2013), where he played the hall of famer baseball player Jackie Robinson and Get On Up (2015), where he portrayed the wild and complicatedly brilliant singer and musician James Brown, not to mention The Black Panther coming out this year in February, where we will see him and a mostly black cast portray heroic individuals who are also African royalty.

This makes me wonder why Boseman wanted to take on this influential figure when, unlike for his roles of Robinson and Brown, he does not carry a believable resemblance at all to the subject.

Hudlin is known for making many cult classics for the black community such House Party (1990), Boomerang , (1992), The Great White Hype (1996), The

Ladies Man (2000), etc but this will be is first time debuting a cinematic biopic. His motivation behind creating the film is pretty clear, but one might question what exactly made him decide on Boseman for the lead role. Boseman is clearly great at portraying black icons, but that doesn’t mean he needs to do it even when he has little to no likeness to the person at all. I guess I do appreciate that unlike the Nina film, Boseman did not have to wear makeup to make his skin appear lighter in order to portray Thurgood Marshall. That would have been another case of insult to injury.

Some would say this is a very minor setback, as it is predicted that Boseman will deliver another amazing performance in this role, but that is not what I’m doubting here. I’m more so worry about Thurgood’s story.

I’m sure that the plot of this film will be very engaging and the story within will have very moving and poignant aspects, but the actual Thurgood Marshall could not do a lot of what he did at that time if he was as dark as Boseman is. It feels weird for me to celebrate the release of Marshall like I did with Selma (2014) and other works that put revolutionary black leaders on the big screen, when I know already that a big part of what made his life what it was, is the fact that he had light skinned privilege. Marshall would definitely pass the brown paper bag test.

My first reaction when I first heard that this film was in the works was confusion rather than outrage. Surely there are great light skinned black men who could have taken on this role, just like there were deserving darker skinned women who could have accurately depicted Nina Simone.

Part of me understands that we’ve seen so much brilliance from Boseman that maybe it’s just assumed that he can play nearly anyone - but that is a very slippery slope and I would hope that Boseman doesn’t repeat something like this in the future. He is a great talent who doesn’t always need to be the lead, especially in a film based on a light skinned black man who used his advantage to help him get ahead in the rankings of the justice system.

I take biopics very seriously. The actor chosen to play the role, as well as the story and the key elements in the plot need to be on point, otherwise I find myself very disappointed. You are essentially showing the life and legacy of someone to people who may or may not know of that person, but feel as though they will learn more about them through watching the film. Some of the best biopics I’ve seen that beautifully capture their subject’s character and adversities are Selena (1997), Ray (2004), and Frida (2002). Not only was the casting nearly spot on, but the performance of the actors along with the story of these individual's lives comes off as authentic without me having to think too hard about how accurate the details are while watching it. I’m not claiming that these are perfect depictions, as it’s very difficult to have a completely truthful biopic and there is always some point of bias being shown, but I have always thought those those three did an incredible job of focusing more on the person rather than their politics.

I do actually plan on seeing the movie Marshall. Even though I am not satisfied with the casting since it will already make the story partially inaccurate, it still presents some type of empowerment for black people.

The trailer for Marshall: 

 The Nina film is unnecessarily dramatized to make Ms. Simone a lost soul, who needed the saving of a kind man to stay by her side even as she grew bitter. Maybe that display of Mort’s version of Nina Simone wouldn’t be that terrible to see if it was an actual dark skinned woman, who was communicating this struggle to overcome oppression along with her personal demons. Having a light skinned woman try to explore that while wearing brown paint is unfathomable. It continues the history of darker black women being treated as jokes, not even worthy enough to play women that were naturally dark like themselves on screen. Though this may appear as a double standard, having a dark skinned individual take the place as a light skinned one does not come off as damaging. It seems that black audiences are still getting used to seeing themselves in mainstream films in a positive light. Rarely do we conquer and outsmart our oppressive white counterparts, or the system which oppresses us in general without facing some fatal retaliation or lesson that will carry on to cause further pain among our our people. Marshall is triumphant. A celebration of the black mind and I will look forward to that more than it revealing a new perspective into the life of Thurgood Marshall.

As an upcoming filmmaker myself, works like these make me more cautious in how I will chose to represent people in the stories I create, whether they are based on real individuals or not. The skin color of a person does not just impact how they will be viewed by others around the world, but within their own communities - and of course, themselves. A message will be sent to the audience merely by the person chosen to lead the story. This alone is a key factor in making a work of film either feel relatable or out of touch with reality.

People should be judged by their content, not by their color; but characters on screen need to at least be the right color in order for us to judge the content of the film or how that person’s life is being visually shown to us. 

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