#you really cant talk about either of them without mentioning the other and this goes for sam too

[blacknidstang]

Actually mak3s me sick how sam & dean BOTH need each other. How sam clings to dean just the same, how he lost his mind when he lost dean and it happened over and over. How even in stupid poorly written late seasons mary, THEIR DAMN MOTHER, tells sam to get some rest and face the reality of losing dean, how much sam got to watch dean die over and over and over and how a comedy episode like Mystery Spot was actually the most honest insight into sam's nightmare of losing dean and how sam himself has his own mind confront him with "you'd do anything to cling to that doomed brother of yours". I don't think there's any part of sam that didnt want to be permanently attached to dean. There's not part of sam that doesnt hold of a piece of dean inside him.

[crowtobio]

in a perpetual state of insane over kagehina

[seeminglydark]

How did Caro go about figuring out their gender identity when they were on their own? You mentioned that they tried "they" and "he" pronouns before settling on "they" - can you talk about that more?

Sure can! In case theres some reading this who may not have read my comics or know the background but stumbled on my art on accident, ill give a little breakdown of their journey. Caro grew up in a really small town with really restrictive parents. They start out knowing they are not a girl. but not really having any idea what that means exactly, and not having access to the resources or a safe place to find out. They start out using he/him because at the time (16 in most of the stories i show them in their teenage years) they arent actually aware theres more of a spectrum than just a binary, they think being a boy is the only way to not be a girl. Their friend, Sully, while being openly gay and having a bit more of an idea about some things, doesnt know much about gender expression or gender-queerness either, so he does what he can to support what they both think is the right fit. apparently neither if them thinks to go to a library. After sully leaves, Caro is left to struggle on their own. They know they are trans, but they are still nervous about exploring things without someone holding their hand, ptsd from extremely intense helicopter parents perhaps and being kicked out for knowing at the very least, they arent the girl everyone always forced them into. They meet their current agent, Goldie, somewhere around 20 years old, at this point they have not revealed their face or gender even in their podcast (for those who listen, ive kept those things very vague since its supposed to be canonical with their life journey). Goldie encourages them to explore more what feels right to them and helps them get in touch with gender affirming resources, 'He' felt close, but it was never really that aha yes its me! moment. They learn about nonbinary, genderfluid, etc through research and help from other people in the community they meet through Goldie, therapy resources and also people they meet via their podcast. They actually do try out a few things, canonically they go from she to he to genderfluid (any pronoun) to they, which feels the best for them. present day Caro doesnt mind 'he' either, they just mostly stick with They. i WILL be exploring this in the podcast, so that story will be told in more detail as time goes on as well. Bonus answer: the reason why i wrote their journey like this, is because Caro is how i explored MY gender identity. They started out as a tool i used to try on different hats and research in a safe space (a fictional character), meet and talk with people to find what gender expression worked best for me, also going from she to he to fluid (any) to nonbinary (they.) i did not have restrictive parents or come from a small town, but im in my 40s, and there wasnt a lot of resource available where i grew up for trans kids in the 90s. i knew i wasnt a girl, and for me, boy seemed like my only other option until i learned that gender is not a binary and i actually had many ways i could go, until i found what felt right to me. and honestly, it was as simple as someone calling me 'They' in passing because they werent sure how to refer to me. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in my mid thirties and frankly, it was so relieving to finally have a pronoun that felt like ME! I think perhaps it was as simple for Caro as well. Unforch I cant give you a solid answer as to WHY they felt right for me or Caro. i just know it did, i think perhaps that an individual feeling for everyone who is figuring things out. Some people just KNOW, and others like me, know *something* and find out what the means for them along the way. <3

[winderlylandchime]

Make sure you read the other message before this one. It was a bitch to shorten this for the ask limit but oh well :)

Here is the shortened version of his dating life during summer. It all started when a friends gf looked at my brother and went “I have some friends to set you up with that I think you’d like” He went on a date to a bar to meet up with her “lovely and very cute friend Alexis”. He gets there and then (his exact words) “I hear my name, look up and there’s a dude. Big dude. Muscles and hair and everything. And he starts going on about how he heard so much about me. Took me 5 minutes to realize that he’s Alexis. Dude caught on that I thought he was a woman but it’s cool. We had drinks, It was a fun night so at least I made a friend” I thought that was funny/cute bc he really does love making friends. So he forgot to mention the dude part of the issue to the girl when he told her it didn’t work, so she obviously set him up with another guy. He was somehow still shocked even tho he forgot to tell her, the guy realized it like 20 minutes in, didn’t want to make it uncomfortable so he goes to leave and my brother being an “ALLY” (yes, he did that to his face) suggested they hang as friends. Third time HE STILL FORGETS TO MENTION IT, so she sets him up with her really good friend Nick. So he knows it’s a man but he didn’t want to be rude since shes going all out for him, so he went on the date and plans to tell the guy about the mix up but when he got there (this is a real fucking voice note he sent me at 1 am that day) “I forgot! I had a speech cause I didn’t wanna be a dick but I saw him and I just forgot what the fuck I was gonna say. Bro it took me 3 tries to tell him my name, idk what the fuck happened, I think its some type of a stroke that only lasts like a minute” So they went to a bar and somehow during drinks (his plan was a drink & come clean but he got “distracted”) he agreed to go bowling. Yes, he agreed to a 2nd date bc he was distracted. A week later HE asked Nick if he wanted to go hiking. This whole time they are texting nonstop btw. They went hiking in the morning, spent half a day together, the guy made them lunch. Do you see where this is going because my brother somehow did not. A week later my friend whos a bartender saw them at her job and she said that my brother was being shown how to play pool by some guy. As in the guy was wrapped around his body showing him how to do it. I really hope you know what I mean by this! And my brother was apparently all blushy and kept missing shots. Oh btw, my brother? REALLY fucking good at pool. He’s on a team at his local bar with his friends. So he played dumb, for sure! 2 days later at family bbq, he walks in goes to my uncles and says “yo dudes, respectfully asking but how the fuck did you know you wanted to fuck each other? Because I’m about to either do the worlds dumbest thing in my whole life OR the coolest thing ever and I would like to know if I’m just gonna have fun in the middle part of it or the after too?” he explained the whole thing and everyone went “dude, hate to tell you but you’ve been dating him for like 2 weeks” He tried to argue it with “no, I just..He just..I get distracted when he talks bc he keeps smiling and laughing at my jokes and i think my stutter comes back cause i cant form a sentence (he has never stuttered in his life) so I keep forgetting to tell him” two days later, he walks into the house and goes “yo dad, I fixed your car oh and btw gang? Ya boy? Not straight, i was wrong but don’t ask me anything more cause honestly? I don’t fucking know, I’m winging this bitch” Anyway, this was late June, they’ve been dating ever since. Sweet Nick genuinely thought my brother was shy (lol) and that’s why he didn’t kiss Nick while on the hike, so he was waiting for my brother to relax (lol). Meanwhile my brother was having a crisis without the crisis bc he genuinely up until the pool date thought, they were just hanging out and that he was just feeling (his words) ‘the feelings of a cool bromance’ whenever he went all blushy, giggly and dumb over him.

IF YOU HAVE NOT YET READ THE PREVIOUS UPDATES GO DO SO NOW. As brother anon would say "don't be a little bitch." You have not earned this update if you haven't read the others.

I AM FUCKING SCREAMING DEAR SWEET ANON!!! This is straight (heh heh) out of a fanfiction. What life is your brother leading?

Like bro, bro, bro. You are an ALLY (makes fist) and hang out with drag queens and love queer culture (like a 20 year old TV show)... I think the dots were all there to be connected and Nick came along and genuinely thought he was dating your brother and your brother just caught on. Also. bro, when you didn't immediately correct this woman who is setting you up with men.... mayhaps that could have been a clue. Correct me if I'm wrong non bisexual/pan/fluid folks, but if you're set up on a date with someone whose gender does not align with your attraction, you're correcting the matchmaker first chance you get. right? Like I enjoy the company of a man (not in a Blanche type of way), but if someone set me up on a date with one, I would be like "very respectfully, you are barking up the wrong tree."

I am imagining your brother all blushy and giggly and flirty and not realizing that he has indeed caught feelings for this dude. THAT HE KEEPS GOING ON DATES WITH. You and your long-suffering uncles. Thoughts and prayers.

...at least your brother already knows what rimming is.

[dreamychuu]

Accidentall text!

- What will they do if you accidentally send a text about them!?

Req -> ☆ | hc + scenario | word count : 932

Warning : none, (maybe teasing on rei's)

info = : gn!reader , "!" Era Set on izumi, sanbaka mentioned,fluff, ✿ : your friend ☆ : you.

-

Izumi sena

↳ - i think he would be shocked but at the same time was "duh i am" When the rambling is about his beauty

his heart actually flutter a bit (will not admit it)

He either will answers the text or just approach you just right then.

Or maybe both?

Before he approach you, he will screenshot the text first so he can always treasure the text if someday you delete the text.

if he's feeling like it he will say thank you.

Maybe ask you to maybe hang out with him sometimes (its a date invitation).

Will act like it doesnt affect him but it does!

If you apologize to him first and promise to delete the text he will say its okay

-

As you were walking towards your friends class, you saw some 3 graders there.

It was the sanbaka : Kaoru, chiaki , and last but not least izumi sena.

He was just standing there watching two of his friends kaoru and chiaki chatting with each other.

Your hurt flutter seeing him. he look so beautifull as always, you then pull out your phone and Saw that your friend texted you.

✿ [friend] : "[name] where are you?"

☆ [you] : "I just saw izumi!!! He look so beautifull!! I cant believe someone like him exist, it feels like he's getting more gorgeous than ever day by day !! He so perfect Do you think if i buy him a shiny ring would he wear it??"

The text was followed by more rambles about izumi, after you finished you look towards the sanbaka again but you didnt expect izumi to look towards his phone.

and was typing something? While blushing..? What is he doing?

You then take a look at your phone again and Saw a notification from izumi. As you tried to process what just happend, you then realized that you send it to izumi instead of your friend.

You start to panic while directly staring at your phone, and didn't realize that someone was approaching you, You then feel someone suddenly poked your shoulder as you turn your Head and Saw that person was Izumi Sena himself.

well, you wish you were strong enough to talk to him.

-

Kaoru hakaze

↳ - i hc him as a loser for love , he would be speechless

Will be flustered

Did not expect that text really

he gotta be giggling and kicking his feet when he saw that especially if he like you so much 

if we're talking about "!" kaoru I think he would approach you but "!!"  Kaoru no he would NOT approach you until he's ready

i think he would sutter a bit due to nervousness? 

if you delete the text right after he approach and act like nothing happened he would be more emmbarassed

Trying to act cool but failed (gl next time hakaze loser kaoru)  

-

an ordinary day goes by just like usual.

having casual talk with Kaoru just like everyday, but unfortunately you have a habit that i might said a bad one. 

namely it because you always texting your friends about things related to Kaoru and yourself in detail!

usually between how he looks today , of course prettier as always and could also be about what you two are talking about.

and on that you immediately text your friend about it without you realizing you sent it to kaoru instead of your friend , but you had already turned off your phone to even realized. 

and when he read it he turn embarrassed.

Beacuse of that whenever you guys passed each other , as you greeted him he will answered shyly.

making you confused and immediately open your phone to chatted your friend about it.

but after you opened your phone you realized that it turned out the ramble that you wanted to send to your friend was instead sended to him.

If you feel embarrassed too then you guys might not talk for a few days but if you don't really care about that and keep talking to him he might pass out (in good way dont worry)

-

Rei sakuma

↳ - i dislike him sm (denial) 

Okay i don't think he will be Flustered

but he do will smile and stare at his phone for a long time that the person who pass by him was like "what is wrong with this guy"

Will approach you and talk about it if he or you have time

Will not rush it tho he doesnt like rushing

Oh? You tought he doesnt know how to screenshot well to bad for you he learned how to do it probably from kaoru or koga

Will tease you with that text of course. 

like maybe one day you Were mad at him and said

"you're un-attractive or something but he disagree wuth your statement saying "i dont think so" while showing the text you send about how gorgeous he is.

-

maybe it was when he was in the library when he was looking for a book he got a notification from his phone that made him smile like an idiot.

And before he answered the text he obviously screenshot it.

It might can be used in something...

he typed a reply with a "oh? really (*´˘`*)-?"

As he smiles and thought it was kinda cute when he suddenly got a text about how Gorgeous he is.

you apologized and typed that you sent it to the wrong person but whatever you say he already saw it.. He already know

he already saw it.. He already know

He teased you about it making you flustered and dont open your phone of a while after that

he stopped chuckling after being reprimanded by tsumugi who told him that people are calling him scary for silently standing in the corner of the selves while smiling like an idiot.

[roseworth]

can i talk about rose & sword fighting. obviously rose carries a sword and uses it a lot but. i feel like shes not really a sword fighter.

first of all she hasnt really been trained with it. we can assume that slade taught her how to fight with it when he was training her, but arguably most of her fighting training came from her mom and nightwing (separately) and neither of them were sword fighters (both of them might've known how but i cant see either of them teaching her). she clearly knows how to use it (again, slade taught her) but i dont think shes like A Trained Sword Fighter

i really dont think she'd win in a sword fight. iirc shes only been in one straight up sword fight, which was with cass in batgirl #64. and she held her own there but id argue its because cass also isnt really a sword fighter (we see her training is mostly hand to hand, cain trained her with weapons sometimes but we barely see her fight using weapons), and given their training theyre both probably better than the average sword fighter but theyre not as good as like. a good sword fighter. other than that fight i think rose has had a couple fights (mostly with slade) where swords have been involved but not enough for it to be a proper sword fight. like she fought zombie grant with swords but a lot of that fight was them hitting each other bare handed or trying to set each other on fire #justsiblingthings. but in a fight with someone who was experienced in sword fighting, she might do alright but she would NOT win

plus. her precog wouldnt even give her an advantage in a sword fight. its so close range that even if she got a flash of what her opponent is about to do, all she would be able to do is block it, which she would have to do anyway without precog. she even mentions in deathstroke 2016 that using weapons gives you a disadvantage because its distracting, and limits movements. shes a hand to hand fighter, and everything that gives her an advantage in a hand to hand fight doesnt help her in a sword fight

all this to say if rose ever goes up against a trained sword fighter shes fucked

[okaystoptellingmetomakeanaccount]

LESSER KNOWN STORIES ANY MAGICA FAN SHOULD READ I THINK

NO ROSA NO BARKS NO ARTIBANI

ONLY LESSER KNOWN COMICS

some scarpa will slip in im afraid this is difficult okay.

Thanks btw soony for the inspiration this is actually really fun

One of the earliest Magica stories, this one is from 1969. One of the most creative out there, especially for being such an early one. Also there’s a scene where Magica goes all scarface (i think, i have never watched that stuff i just heard he goes all shooty shoot) and thats quite amusing.

Really sweet comic. Everyone who only knows Magica from ducktales should read this comic to understand how much more complicated her character is in the original comics. It does such a great job at showing the other facets of her character in such a simple way. Don’t listen to the inducks review of m3gr1ml0ck (he’s almost always super based but not this time). Listen to the inducks review of Appie Aap (who is always based because he’s Appie Aap).

Kind of overrated in my opinion but Sarda’s characterization is PERFECTION. Story is average asf (though maybe i need to reread it) but all the little things are so incredibly well done. Molinari is great too of course.

It’s one of the recent more well known comics yeah okay but its mostly known because people thought Vian thought Etna was the Vesuvius (which they solved with a simple dialogue change in the German translation because it really was not that complicated guys) and it should be known for being a great comic instead. One day I will write a really long review about why it’s a masterpiece. Maybe. It perfectly manages to bring back the spirit of the Sarda written comics without some of the annoying quirks of his writing and with the fact that Bruno Enna is writing now and I love Bruno Enna guys robophobia is a masterpiece last hunt is a masterpiece i love bruno enna-

Magica really cares a lot about Ratface. You should read it.

Magica really cates about Ratface part 2. These two comics aren’t must reads but they’re good to help understand Magica and Ratface their relationship. (In italian comics at least. They seem to hate each other sometimes in Denmark)

Talking about Danish stories. Here. (Written by an American and drawn by a Dutchie. Egmont knows no borders) It IS quite well known, but tumblr here seems mostly familiar with Italian comics and this story has never been published in Italy, so I still think it deserves a mention. I was never a big fan of it, but all the inducksers seem to like it and i cant ignore its significance. So here it is i would still recommend.

Magica tells about her ancestor and her ancestor is lovely.

Magica talks about her ancestor and her ancestor is lovely part 2. (these ARE must reads!)

Magica turns herself into a floppy disk and everything you expect to happen happens. You want a typical fun but average Dutch comic? Then i’d recommend this one.

(I wanted to recommend another comic here but tumblr refuses to save it and ive been trying for what feels like hours so im giving up) (for some reason it did save at least this)

I really wanted to suggest more Danish stories but i have either not read them, theyre a gal for gladstone (aka not not well known) or theyre bad.

[drpeppertummy]

ok some actual tummy-oriented sunny thoughts of varying steaminess haphazardly cobbled together from discord messages (bc thats where all my thoughts get thunk)

thinkin about sunny & executive dysfunction. thinkin about sunny wanting to get up & make himself some dinner so bad but he just Cannot. i would never project onto him what are you talking about. for as much as he overeats i think sunny finds himself in that predicament often too. cant make himself get up. or sometimes he'll be in too much of a Mental State™️ to eat

his belly rumbles at the sight or mention of food unless hes like already stuffed. he is Utterly Cartoonish

if sunny falls asleep with his belly out laurie & carrie & dave are gonna try to draw on it. it doesnt work well bc hes so hairy but theyre trying. big marker. maybe some paint if they got it lyin around. maybe some stickers. its a miracle he doesnt feel it. he doesnt mind til he has to get cleaned up & then if theres paint & stickers instead of just marker its all caught in his belly hair

ive always got sunny on the tummy end but i think he gives excellent tummy rubs. surprisingly gentle & tender. any time lauries tummy hurts shes in good hands. he enjoys givin her tummy rubs as much as she enjoys receiving them bc shes all soft & warm & nice to touch. sometimes he'll start kneading like a cat & shes like❔ but thats usually when her tummys Not Upset so she doesnt mind. sometimes its kinda nice

thinking about sunny hangin out with [noise-sensitive friend]. i think if he realized his loud nasty burps were bothering them hed try to keep them quiet but hes not very good at it so he might also try to hold them in & swallow em back down. but then his bellys getting so rumbly hes makin a bunch of noise either way. i think inevitably tho its gonna become Too Much for his tummy & such a big ones gonna come out that it startles the both of em. for once in his life sunnys a little embarrassed about a burp

sunnys the type to wiggle around on purpose if he has a sloshy tummy. he amuses himself. will push his belly in & out to make it make a noise

thinking about the way his mood changes when he doesnt feel good. normally hes rowdy & loud & silly & mischievous & annoying but if his belly hurts he gets quiet & sad & he just wants 2 be held gentle & cuddled. surefire way to know if somethins up with sunny is when hes quiet. tummyache is Least Worst scenario bc then hes just all soft n cuddly until it goes away. as opposed to other situations where he might be scared or upset or moody

[tiny sunny] i think tiny sunny would be so dumb about food. hed be like "duh i can eat a grape its just a grape🙄" without considering that a grape is now the size of his entire torso & double down on it & try to keep eating until no more would fit. & he would need the Worlds Gentlest Tummy Rub but So careful bc his tummy hurts. & feels like a grape . &he will not learn from it💖 his takeaway from the experience will prob just be that someone held him gentle & rubbed his tummy for a while & therefore trying to eat an entire grape was not so bad actually

[tiny sunny] thinking.about laurie (playfully) tormenting tinysunny by putting him in various silly little jails. shed stop if he was really unhappy about it but mostly shes just Buggin Him. he cant argue bc all he does is Bug Her. hes in his little like lego enclosure yelling HEY. HEY. CAN I HAVE SOME CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! banging a paperclip against the bars loud as fuck until she gives him treats [MEAN] what if he was like soo hungrie & she put the cheece just out of reach. tryin 2 grab it. tummy growlin. gonna get himself all wedged between the bars but he doesnt care . Cheese Time🤤 tummy fulla cheese got him even more wedged in there He Doesnt Care hes just gonna fall asleep like that

[tiny sunny] i think he would let laurie cram him into barbie clothes that barely fit. certainly dont fit after dinner. hed have that velcro poppin open

[b0d1ly-st3w]

have my postal 1 dude headcanons because hes so meeeeee

tw for mentions of self harm

• hed just barely turned 20 by the time postal 1 happened

• a bit of a mallgoth, really loved nine inch nails and marilyn manson

• had a really bad self harm addiction back in highschool, he was 2 years clean by postal 1

• actually felt so bad for everything hed done, cant even hear fake gunshots without wanting to throw up

• i believe that the demon was responsible for his breakdown, it convinced him that everyone was poisoned and that he was the only one that could save them

• schizophrenic, has hurt himself before because voices convinced him to do so

• shy and selectively mute

• other postal dudes treat him like a kid because of his age (postal 4 dude is his parental figure)

• asshole dad who was never around

• smokes like a chimney, anytime anyone sees him he always seems to have a cigarette in his hand

• great with kids, thats why he couldnt bring himself to hurt them

• the funeral ending was a hallucination (ik thats redux but they are practically the same leave me alone)

• the most traumatised postal dude

• would probs be a mitski stan

• autistic, bites the other postal dudes

• loves cats

• bisexual and in denial (has a fat crush on every single member of nin)

• just starts screaming randomly, but not in a funny way like a genuine terror way

• stares at people with his autism eyes

• wears his sunglasses everywhere

• lives off cheese and vodka (hes like an alcoholic mouse)

• absolutely loves horror movies, gets postal 4 dude to watch them with him

• scared of corkscrew, but corkscrew really likes him and feels the need to protect him

• suffered from anorexia at a young age, sometimes has days where he literally cant eat anything without crying

• people pleaser, changes his entire personality to make people happy

• loves wool sweaters, practically lives in them

• always cold

• drinks to forget

• gets randomly angry for no apparent reason, will start punching the shit out of people and screaming

• against the big light prefers lamps

• will just sit in the corner and listen while people talk

• loves pepperoni pizza

• still has braces

• probably loves hello kitty but will never admit it

• shoplifts literally anytime he goes into a store, steals things for other postal dudes

• would violently sob to real men by mitski

• bullys postal 4 dudes music but actually likes it (can you tell i love the idea of them being friends?)

i added more because ive got so many headcanons for this emo loser <3

• really picky with what he can eat, will spit anything out he doesnt like

• his family where heavily religious, thats why he wears a cross

• can fall asleep literally anywhere

• defos a stoner

• practically lived at korn concerts

• likes hugs but also despises being touched

• corkscrew carries him about everywhere, gives him piggybacks all the time

• either completely stone cold or really giggly and happy, there is no in between

• uses :⁠-⁠) :⁠-⁠P :⁠-⁠O :⁠-⁠( when texting

• probably likes cannibal corpse

• chop suey! by system of a down is his anthem

• spins around in circles to stim, postal 2 guy joins in because funni

• steals peoples jackets

• would be absolutely cracked at hatsune miku project diva

• has a hyperfixation on music and plays bass

• i think he would be really soft spoken most the time

• when hes drunk hes absolutely mayhem, runs around and throws cushions at people

• tried to give himself a stick and poke and got mad when it didnt look good

• if postal 1 was set in the early 2000s i think hed be an emo

• goes nonverbal often, hardly ever speaks

• claustrophobic, will start crying if he feels trapped

• hates parades (unless its a pride one #ally)

• (⁠●⁠_⁠_⁠●⁠) stares at people like this

• tooth gap<3333

• hates wearing bandages around his arms because theyre itchy and uncomfortable

• probably had an entire bag of bandaids on standby

• ik he canonically has sorta short hair but i like to think its really long

• wanted a mohawk

• wears eyeliner but will deny it even though its so obvious

• he did have a girlfriend at one point but she left him because he was strange (autism making him bitchless💀)

• ik this makes no sense but i think it would be funny af if he was scottish, like all the other postal dudes expect him to sound like them but then he starts speaking in the heaviest scottish accent imaginable (and before you say im only saying that because hes ginger im scottish so im actually projecting get it right)

• gave himself so many piercings but half of them closed up

• likes flavoured tea, his fav is peppermint

• would probably have a crush on tyler durden

• not really a hc but imagine him falling asleep on the sofa and postal 4 dude covering him with a nice fluffy blanket and giving him a little kiss on the forehead like dads in movies 😭😭😭

• wanted to be a musician growing up

• would watch the entire saw franchise in one sitting

• postal 4 dude always checks his arms and makes sure hes eaten, but he doesnt get upset with him if he does relapse or doesnt eat because he knows hes trying

• everyone tells him all their drama because they know he wont tell anyone (he knows everything)

• no one is willing to argue with him because he will either start crying or attack them

• probably bipolar

• signed postal 2 guys petition

• probably rabid/j

• really good at art

• scared of seagulls

• hes really lanky and tall

• (⁠;⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠) default facial expression

• red is his favourite colour

• hes an anti-shaggin moment/ref

• will just lay on top of people with absolutely no care whatsoever

• really bad at helping others, hed probably awkwardly giggle at someone crying

• he likes stuffed animals, has a whole collection of them because he was never allowed them when he was a kid

• if you asked him his pronouns hed probably bite you (he doesnt understand)

• if demon ever got a physical form all the dudes (excluding 1) would team up and beat its ass

• demon still appears sometimes and even tells 1 what to do, but he does his best not to listen

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TW!! SLIGHT DESCRIPTION OF S/H

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• one time postal 3 dude was just going downstairs to get some water and found 1 on the floor sobbing, hed had an episode and sliced his arm pretty bad, 3 did his best to help and swore he wouldnt tell 4 but he found out anyways

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• hates chocolate cake with every fibre of his being

• paints his nails all the time, comes downstairs every day with a new colour

• one of the dudes got him a copy of pretty hate machine on cd for christmas and it was his most favourite thing for months

• loves little insects, willingly picks them up

• collects so much random shit its insane

i got more

• can never sit in pure silence because there always seems to be noise, but really its all in his head (this is based on some of the tracks from the redux soundtrack as obviously some of them are just unintelligible noise)

• picks at his skin alot

• used to skip school alot, but always did well in tests and exams

• cant swim

• actually really loved school

• salt and vinegar crisps man

• actually tried to quit smoking but failed horribly

• uses internet slang and postal 4 guy has absolutely no fucking clue what hes on about

thats all i got

[bamtorrii553]

the girl she never was, and never would be.

SUMMARY: being bullied at school was hard for hanni, but she always had her best friend lia. hanni goes through the troubles of high school bullying all while keeping her academic status high. but sometimes hanni finds herself only thinking about ways to get her back..

GENRE/WARNINGS: nerd!hanni, highschool au, horror, cursing, mentions of making out, mentions of killing herself

WORD COUNT : 636

CHAPTER 1: the usual

“hey!!” someone exclaimed, running towards hanni. hanni looked the direction of the voice and saw her best friend lia. her and lia had been best friends for over 10 years and were pretty much always together. “hey!” hanni replied, walking towards lia. “did you study for the biology test last night? cause i didnt.. im gonna flunk this fuckin class again..” lia looked up at hanni with a helpless look. “i studied, you shouldve came over. we couldve studied together.” hanni said, looking down at her. “maybe next time.” hanni and lia both nodded, walking off to class. 

in math class, hanni’s eyebrows furrowed as she tried working on her classwork. despite studying a lot, there was occasionally questions that tripped her up. thats when she heard a whisper beside her, wonyoung. “having trouble with your worksheet?” she said with a teasing smirk. 

despite wonyoung not being the best at school, math was surprisingly not that hard for her, and she really liked to remind hanni about it. “no, im fine.” hanni retorted. she looked back at her paper slightly annoyed. after 45 minutes of pure boredom and almost falling asleep 3 times, class was over and hanni ran to lunch. at lunch, she sat with lia per usual.

“history class is such a bore, i cant get through one class without wanting to jump out the window.” lia said, she was clearly pretty tired. “yeah, i hear you. math is so boring. but its the only class i need to raise my grade up to a 95 to get valedictorian, so i need to do good.” hanni sighed. hanni and lia were eating their food peacefully when wonyoung walked past them, tipping over their phone that was against lia’s water bottle.

“phones arent allowed in the cafeteria, hanni.” wonyoung looked down at them amused. “dont you have anything better to do than talk to us?” hanni looked at lia. “other than makeout with her boyfriend, no.” lia and hanni giggled and wonyoung stood there, her face still. “at least i have a boyfriend.” “at least i have a life.” hanni responded. “oh sure, you totally have a life. studying and playing video games is a life.” hanni looked up at her slightly offended. “it is, excuse you.” “whatever, bye.” wonyoung rolled her eyes and walked off. lia and hanni sighed, continuing to watch their show.

after school, hanni and lia were at a cafe when someone walked in, anton. he was from a different school but hanni knew him through her brother. she looked up at him and her eyes widened, quicklg looking away. she had a crush on anton ever since they were kids, and he was even more handsome as they grew up. lia gasped and giggles. “ooooo, look who walked in.” hanni quickly tried to shut lia up so anton wouldnt hear, and luckily he didnt. but he did notice hanni from afar. 

after he grabbed his coffee, he walked over to hanni. “hey hanni, long time no see.” he spoke with a slight smile on his face. “h-hey anton. yeah, its been a while, how have you been?” hanni looks up at him curiously. “ive been good. you?” hanni nods and lets out a soft ‘mhm’. anton spoke up again. “hey, are you going to wonyoungs party next week?” “u-uhm..” hanni looks quickly at lia, and lia nods. “yeah! yes i am.” “nice, ill see you there.” anton walks away with a wave. “bye.” hanni reciprocated the small ‘bye’ and looked at lia. “i didnt know there was a party at her house! whyd you tell me to say yes?” lia looked at her and chuckled. “you had the choice! its not my fault i didnt know either!” hanni groaned and threw her head on to her arms on the table.

a/n: i really hope this is good and theres no typos 😭 im a bit blind sometimes..... anyways new chapters will be coming out ever week so stay tuned! tysm for reading and have a nice day <3

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[toxic-ship-tournament]

OK AT LAST THE PROMISED ESMERALICE RANT

OK SO... THEY BOTH ENDED UP DRUGGING EACH OTHER MULTIPLE TIMES, AS WELL AS KNOCKING EACH OTHER UNCONSCIOUS AND WHILE WHEN POOFENPLOTZ WAS DOING IT(PREBREAKUP) SHE MOSTLY DID IT AS A WAY TO CONVINCE ALICE SHE WAS ENJOYING THE PARTIES AND GROUP STUFF POOFENPLOTZ WAS BRINGING HER TO("I MEAN, DENY HOW YOU GOT SHITFACED DRUNK ALL YOU LIKE, I HAD TO CARRY YOU TO MY HOUSE."(SOMETHING WHICH IS ALSO SPECIFICALLY MEANT TO TICK OFF ALICE BASED ON HOW YOUNG ALICE INTERPRETS PERFECTION)) WHEREAS. ALICE(BOTH BACK THEN AND NOW) MOSTLY DID IT TO KIDNAP OR TAUNT HER. IN ADDITION, ALICE(CURRENT ASSUME ALL OF THIS STUFF IS CURRENT) MIND CONTROLS OR READS HER MIND DESPITE POOFENPLOTZ DOING EVERYTHING IN HER POWER TO BOTH TELL HER TO AND MAKE HER STOP THAT, AND USES THAT CONTROL AND INFORMATION TO BASICALLY BE REALLY PETTY AND DIG AT POOFENPLOTZ, ALTHOUGH SHE ALSO USES IT TO LIKE. TRY AND KILL THE CLOSEST THING SHE HAS TO AN ACCEPTING FAMILY BUT WE'LL GET INTO THAT LATER. ALSO OBLIGATORY "NONE OF THE DRUGGING OR MIND CONTROL GOES IN A NON/DUB-CON DIRECTION. POOFENPLOTZ WOULDN'T WANT TO DO SEX USUALLY ANYWAYS BUT ITS A DEFINITE NO WHEN SHE JUST DRUGGED HER PARTNER, AND ALICE HAS VERY SPECIFIC "RULES" ABOUT MAKING SURE PEOPLE AGREE TO WHAT SHE WANTS IN THEIR "RIGHT MIND" (INCREDIBLY VAGUE USUALLY BUT FOR POOFENPLOTZ IT BASICALLY MEANS "NOT DRUGGED DRUNK OR MIND CONTROLLED") SO"

ALSO ALICE AND POOFENPLOTZ BOTH GAVE EACH OTHER EATING DISORDERS. THAT'S ONLY KIND OF A SIMPLIFIED WAY OF PUTTING IT. ALICE MADE SURE POOFENPLOTZ HAD TO "KEEP UP APPEARANCES" AND POOFENPLOTZ MOCKED HER ABOUT IT ENOUGH THAT THEY BOTH KINDA ENDED UP SPIRALING. IRONICALLY, THIS IS THE ONE SITUATION WHERE ALICE RECOVERED BETTER THEN POOFENPLOTZ. MOSTLY BY PROCEEDING TO GO "ACTUALLY I DONT CARE ABOUT MY EX AT ALL" AND DENIALED SO HARD SHE MANIFESTED NOT CARING ABOUT THAT STUFF EITHER ANYMORE. SHE DID THEN USE POOFENPLOTZS TECHNIQUES WITH A HEALTHY DOSE OF ATTEMPTED CULT LEADER WISDOM TO GIVE OTHER PEOPLE EATING DISORDERS TO INCREASE HER CONTROL OVER THEM. SO.... YUP. ALICE ABSOLUTELY SNAPS AT POOFENPLOTZ ABOUT THE HORRIFIC DOUBLE STANDARD, BUT ITS WELL AFTER IT WOULD HAVE APPLIED AND WHEN ITS IN A SITUATION WHERE ALICE GOT TO HEAL AND POOFENPLOTZ STILL STRUGGLES WITH IT CONSTANTLY? OOF. (ALSO IM SORRY FOR THE JOKING TONE ON THIS I PROMISE I DO TAKE EATING DISORDERS AS SERIOUSLY AS POSSIBLE THEYRE JUST HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT OTHERWISE BC. WELL I DONT NEED TO GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION LIKE THIS BUT I THINK IF YOU READ THIS BIT ITS OBVIOUS.)

THERES THE USUAL "MURDER FOR EACH OTHER, DEATH THREATS, SUICIDE THREATS, KIDNAPPING, COERCION, ETC" BETWEEN THEM BUT THOSE ARE MOSTLY BASIC STUFF AND IM RUNNING ON ZERO BRAINPOWER AND A LOTTA EXHAUSTION SO ILL SKIP ABOUT SEVEN MORE PARAGRAPHS RN AND GO TO THE FAMILY THING I PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED.

ESSENTIALLY(AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY) POOFENPLOTZS ENDED UP FINDING SOME SORT OF SOLIDARITY AND FAMILY WITHIN MILLIE AND PINKY, ALONG WITH A LITTLE BIT OF SUPPORT AND COMMUNITY W THE OTHER FIRESIDE GIRLS SO FAR. NOW, ALICE HAS A WHOLE THING OF REACHING PERFECTION THAT POOFENPLOTZ EGGED HER ON ABOUT, AND HER CURRENT STEP ON THAT ROAD REQUIRES HER TO BASICALLY KIDNAP MILLIE AND PINKY(PINKY ISNT NECESSARY SO MUCH AS SHE JUST WANTS TO EXPIRAMENT A BIT BUT THATS THE SAME AS NEEDING HIM TO HER), SO HAVING HER HALF EX HALF CURRENT GIRLFRIEND WHOS BEEN ROASTING HER ALIVE FOR ALL THE SHORTCOMINGS AND THINGS SHE CANT STAND ABOUT HERSELF, STANDING IN THE WAY OF THE TWO PEOPLE SHE NEEDS TO TAKE? POOFENPLOTZ IS GOOD AT FIGHTING BUT SHES NOT GONNA SURVIVE ALICE WITHOUT ANY WEAPONS. ALICE BASICALLY USES ALL OF POOFENPLOTZ'S INSECURITIES AND ISSUES RIGHT BACK AT HER, USING WHAT INFORMATION SHE GAINED BY NOT GIVING TWO SHITS ABOUT POOFENPLOTZS BOUNDARIES OR ANYTHING TO BASICALLY KILL HER *JAZZ HANDS*. ALSO KIDNAPPING THE TWO PEOPLE SHE ACTUALLY HAD WHILE SHE BLEEDS OUT ON THE FLOOR. IT ALL ENDS UP FINE NECROMANCY/HJ BUT LIKW. YEAH.

I PROMISE THIS IS A COHERENT NOT GRIMDARK EVERYONE ENDS UP HAPPY IN CHARACTER PHINEAS AND FERB AU. AM VERY EXHAUSTED SORRY IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. THEY'RE BASICALLY THE DEFINITION OF THIS POST

.

[everythingsinred]

Previous anon. Honestly nothing made me happier than seeing natsume and mikan well and happy in the spin off manga, just together and happy. Ofc i do miss Hotaru and i hope she managed to get back to the gang bc they are just not complete without her.

I wanted to ask you: do you have any HCs regarding the quartet (yes including Hotaru being back) in their mundane day to day highschool time? How is studying for them, what do they all wanna be when thry graduste? Are any of them going to go to university? How fast are Natsume and Mikan going to be married? Anyone any kids? Maybe a dog or cats?

thanks for the ask <3 yeah my absolute favorite part of the spin off was seeing natsumikan as an official couple! theyre so cute <3 im incapable of thinking of a post-kageki universe where they dont reunite with hotaru.

tsubasa mentions around chapter 73 or 74 that the last couple years of the high school count as university credit but that some students choose to continue college to gain more knowledge. i feel like perhaps hotaru would be in that category. she is very lazy but i think she'd want to refine her skills. if not that, then i could see her easily taking off with a career right out of school since she already has an impressive following. her future is pretty solid.

ruka wants to be a vet and i'm not entirely sure how vet training would work in alice academy? it's a pretty lengthy process in the normal world--about 8 years (4 undergrad, 4 at vet school). if the last 2-3 years of alice academy hs are the equivalent of a typical 4 year university, then ruka would still have to continue the 4 years of vet school to get his credential. in any case, he's pretty passionate about it. he doesn't seem like he puts much effort into school while in elementary school, but i think he'd put his all into vet school because he'll be doing something he really loves.

i can see mikan pursuing a teaching job or maybe nursing--something where she can help people. it would HAVE to be a people-oriented occupation, where she interacts with lots of people and is more hands-on. in either case, she could probably start right away after graduation and since nepotism is real and she's close friends with most of the staff, she's a shoe-in for a teaching position for sure.

i can't imagine natsume having a job he's passionate about. i don't think natsume would ever be passionate about labor, no matter what it is. i've read all kinds of fics, where natsume goes on to be a spy or work in security or what have you, but to be honest i don't think natsume would EVER elect to be in a dangerous field after being a child soldier for so many years. idk cant he be mikan's stay at home husband? cant he have a break? if he must have a job, i'd hate it if he did anything dangerous; i much prefer to imagine him doing something calm and laid-back.

as for the marriage question.... i can see them getting married ASAP. like right away tbh. natsume has a terminal illness after all! but thats not fully relevant to me bc i cant imagine a future where natsume doesnt get "cured" in some way. i just cant. in any case they were 12 when they got engaged so they're the kind of couple that moves fast FOR SURE. they'd get married as soon as it becomes a possibility. i talk about the possibility of nm children here, too.

as for other characters...

idk really. i can see tsubasa and misaki for sure having kids. the other class b characters might have kids but probably not right away. i can see ruka for sure having pets always. maybe natsumikan get a kitty. that would be cute!

i have a lot of hcs actually but i feel like this has gotten pretty long so i'll leave it at that for now. thanks for sending me this ask! i appreciate it ;-; <3

[yuukei-yikes]

any thoughts on remind blue?

currently, it is my favorite kagepro song (this changes like every week but i digress...) and i really want to make a pv for it but i lowkey have no idea where to start

your analysis/ramblings on things is really interesting to read and see, so also just wanted to let you know that i love all the content you post!! :D

I LOV remind blue. like every kagepro song makes me want to rip my face off ♥️♥️♥️ but this one is one of those that make me feel so strongly that i cant listen to it ♥️♥️♥️ cuz i do that btw. i cannot listen to kagepro songs without preparing myself emotionally and it has to be when i am alone in my room. i could never listen to them in public. that'd be weird. im drawing and suddenly a kagepro song comes on in my playlist and im like this is so fucked up who put this here (<- i did)

songs like summertime record, lost day hour, remind blue and ayanos theory of happiness specifically i basically never listen to because it causes something in me both mentally and physically. im normal though.

TOTALLY support the idea to make a pv!!! i wouldn't know how to start either tbh💔 who would u make it be sung by?? like the song is so good but for the lyrics im like meh like str is already a thing. idk it sorta has the same vibe. its like summertime record and lost day hour's lyrics had a little baby together. which is why i always liked to interpret it as a haruka song but fuck it ig its shintaro's.

i also liked the idea of it being seto's or hibiya's. i think they'd deserve a song like this, especially hibiya!! tho for hibiya the whole "adult" thing is different LOL and even seto, he's just 17... ive always loved haruka being the punchbag for the "im an adult wtf" feeling because he goes from living his whole life thinking he will die and then he doesn't. or well he DOES die but then comes back, and suddenly he finds himself with his whole life ahead. like haruka and his early 20s crisis abt i did NOT think id be alive this long and now i gotta deal with everything those feelings bring me but at the same time i have to pay rent and worry abt what to make for dinner soooo erm fine ig. that's also what i think lost day hour is about, i know jin describes it more like a song abt old friends but girl idk it rly only has a couple lines abt that as opposed to all the rest of the song... erm. what was i talking about again.

i just think it was rly funny how we were all like ok remind blue uses "boku" so it's seto kano hibiya or haruka (or konoha). and then jin was like hehe. shintaro♥️ SHINTARO DOESNT EVEN USE BOKU whatever im pretty sure he also said it can fit anyone and its more a general mekakushi dan song. but tbh so is summertime record sooooo. sorry im sidetracking a lot

i dont particularly care for remind blue so much (LIKE THE SONG SLAPS im still talking about lyrics) bc it's very heavy on the shit abt like growing distant and stuff sortof??? like kagepros ending/str is implied to have the mekadan not grow apart but kinda do their own thing while still meeting to hang out, bc kagepro is also about growing up and with growing up comes maybe growing distant from these friends you love, but they will always be important and one of a kind in ur life and when u meet its like time hasnt rly passed between you. not to mention the whole thing about combining eyes and how all the snakes will always end up gathering by the queen no matter what, meaning the dan will always be bound to make their ways back to each other no matter what, and are connected to one another by the literal narrative that theyre all actually sort of aware of a little bit (they always refer to their tragedy as a "story"..kagepro is a little meta lol). and like that's all so beautiful but also fuck it. they all meet for pizza nights every week. erm. the passage of time am i right

ALSO TY FOR READING MY POSTS:///3 I LOVE KAGEROU PROJECT A NORMAL AMOUNT AND IM A NORMAL PERSON

[luminousdelight]

Multisectional ventpost hhhhh

Okay, the first thing here is rly just, I really dont like being in that friend server im in kinda (yk dori, that one i invited you in once). Theres like- 2 people that kinda ruin it for me completely, like I really wanna get out of it, which like- is kinda awful because thats the only place I really feel like I can stay rn- im too anxious to just suddenly start talking in random servers and irl is obv not an option for me. The reason those ppl r like a problem is just, one of them cant go 2 messages without complaining about either "commies" or "trannies" and is overall just an annoying person with how often they bring this stuff up along with their sentiment, and they sexualize alot its rly uncomfortable. The other one isnt really as annoying but still- it makes me feel uncomfortable being around them kinda, theyre pretty transphobic too but at least they dont mention it on their own. They also think the Andrew Tate getting banned from his socials stuff was unfair because he was just "ironic" so- yeah... (Late edit but theres also someone that cant shut up about how Honkai is better than Genshin and it drives me insane like yeah, maybe, idk, but can you shut up about it sometime maybe actually and not mention it every 10 seconds?? We get it Oh yeah and they did say some pretty trnasphobic stuff as well. At least those 3 are the only ones). I really dont like being there

Another thing is like, I really really hate venting ab the same thing to the same person multiple times because it just feels like- ill be kinda repetitive about it eventually :,D and a sorry for that only works so many times. So I just end up bottling up alot of stuff because im rly afraid to bother ppl too much about it. The same is a bit with these public vents too but- its not that bad there at least, my fear there is rather that all of that falls on deaf ears (or that a person I dont want reading about my struggles ends up reading it, like the ones in the server i mentioned) ;w;

And another thingy vent with that ex-(??? | hopefully not ;w;) friend. I really dont think things happened like they played it out like- idk quite know how to explain it but- theres just alot of things that just wouldnt make sense to me in that case.. I know I keep telling myself I should let go ab this over and over again but I rly cant- I just feel extremely convinced I mustve done smth wrong ;w; and in that case I just end up extremely hoping there might still be a chance to get my feelings reciprocated again if any of this just happened to be a huge misunderstanding. But its also the only part of this I really have any control over by now and this thought process just keeps making me feel more tense and tense the longer this situation goes on i just ghdjghjsdhdfhjs ;A; So I just rly wanna let go just if thats not the case but hsjhdfjhf its so hard qwp I really dont wanna be too pushy with this either, and im also not sure if they might even find out ab these posts and all that, wouldnt rly be that unexpected tho i feel, i kinda hope they will, it would make things alot easier. Please save me from this, im begging --- ;-;

Edit edit!!: Ik my reasoning is a bit nonsensical for this, I was just in complete denial still when its clearly not worth it by any metric, even if they wouldve responded by now

[intemperanceeee]

the almost apology

I started to write an email but then i wasnt sure if i wanted to send it. I'm going to test it out here and see how i feel about it.

Dear Mer,

I have had some time to process our last meeting. you know the one, where you insisted that we meet so that you could apologize to me for all of your behavior.

if you stop reading here: know this, i am so upset and disappointed by how that went. I know that you think it went okay, but it was not.

i feel worse than before, when we were in limbo and you hadnt spoken to me since the concert incident. you know the one, where you got so drunk that you couldnt function in the middle of the pit, and were carried out by EMS, but not before insisting that i come with you. Effectively getting me also kicked out of the concert as well. Remember that? do you? do you even know what you did? i'm not sure, because when we met for you to apologize, all i got was "i'm so sorry for putting you through that". I have no idea how you thought that was an acceptable apology. You need to articulate what you're apologizing for, and we both know there was a lot more that you needed to apologize for than just the concert incident. You have treated me like a doormat for years. You have used me, talked down to me, made me feel like i knew nothing, was nothing, and had nobody but you. Being your friend was traumatizing. It was co dependency. It was hard for me to exist without you. It still is. When i go out now, if i run into anyone, they ask where you are, and i have to battle with my brain on whether i tell them what happened or not. But either way, the mention of you nearly ruins my night. It sucks. I am constantly reminded of how we were basically joined at the hip for years. people equated you with me, we were one in the same. you were my person. and i was yours. sort of.

You met me at that park to apologize. Because jake told you to. Not because you thought of it yourself. You didnt even try anything before that to mend our friendship. It was like you didnt care, but i know that you care, you just shut down and left the situation the way it was. You assumed that if you did nothing, the problem would go away. You think that about everything. That's why you dip out at parties when you get too messed up, why you never apologize for anything, or acknowlege that other people have helped you when you were too messed up to finish your job, or get home. You just coast and assume that it will all work out without you having to do anything, and if it doesnt work out, then you ignore it until it goes away. You cant keep doing that with everything. i've seen you do this with everything else in your life and i never thought you would do it to me.

I told you that i wouldnt deal with you while you still drank. I said it was the final straw, i wrote you that letter and you signed it. You signed it in front of me and cried. You said you would try. You made it barely a week before you started drinking again RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. In case you forgot - it was when we went to the pumpkin carving party, and i went outside to take a call. I came back in and you had ordered a beer. That is when i decided that i was going to move out and buy my own place. And you were not welcome. Were you really so surprised that i was serious? Is that why you told people that i was abandoning you, that i was going to let you move in with me and rent out my spare room, or that i was going to find someone to live in my room while you stayed in yours? We never discussed any of those things, but you felt the need to tell everyone we knew about how i was the villain because i was dumping you like trash. That is unfair and you know it.

I was finally doing something good for myself, and you felt the need to make it about you. You literally gave me the "i'm so happy for you, truly, but i just feel so blindsided by this". As if i didnt tell you in NOVEMBER that you had until the end of March to find a new place. I made that so clear. I'm not in charge of understanding things for you. I moved out, i bought a place and you got an apartment by yourself. I tried to distance our friendship a little because i needed space. But i wanted to still be there for you. I just really needed to take care of myself and be serious about my move, considering it was a huge step in my relationship. I expected so much more from you, and i guess that was my fault for expecting too much from you, when you have time and time again shown me that you are incapable of doing more than that - because you are stuck being drunk and/or hungover 100% of the time.

You are paralyzed by alcohol and you always will be until you get completely sober. you cannot drink socially or "sometimes". you cannot regulate your intake. you cannot be a moderate drinker, or a normal drinker. Every day you continue drinking, you're killing yourself. you're also making your friends' lives hell. It sucks being around you when you drink. You are always a liability. Because when you walk into a room with the people who know you the most, and you start drinking, there's a silent agreement between the people in the room that one of us is going to have to take care of you or help you in the inevitable crisis. Now i know... you're going to say "i always get myself home, i'm always fine... blah blah blah" well to that i say: Bullshit. complete bullshit. yeah, you pour yourself into your own uber plenty of times, and you physically make it home. sure. but you also make EVERYONE worry about you when you do that. that's the best case scenario. the worst cases are the ones where you need help standing up, and someone has to physically carry you into your apartment. or when you let a random person you dont know bring you home and then something bad happens. or you lose your keys and you end up on somebody's couch. or when you lose both your phone and your keys when i'm out of town and you're supposed to be watching my dog. you know, all of these things that DO and HAVE happened when you drink. Things that wouldnt have happened if you werent 18 sheets to the wind every fucking night. You made me feel unsafe in my own home because of all of this. THAT is what i wanted apologies for. I wanted apologies for all of it.

You met me at that park and the only thing you could muster was "i'm so sorry" and when i asked "for what", you couldnt even come up ANY specific examples. You didnt prepare for this apology at all. I had this conversation in my head for months. I went through all of the scenarios on the things i wanted to say when you finally apologized. When i walked my dog, in that very same park, i had these conversations in my head countless times. I thought about how it would go, what i would say to you, what i thought you would say to me and my responses to that. You fell so short of my expectations and I am left just broken and disappointed. I cant imagine how you think our talk went well. you barely said "i'm sorry" and then you ranted about your scummy boyfriend for the rest of the time. I also want to note that i knew you had been drinking before our meeting. I'm also not sure that the coffee cup you were drinking from didnt have alcohol in it. I know you didnt quit. I know that day was your day off. And i know that your hands werent shaky, so you were drinking. I knew, and that's why i basically let you talk the whole time. I discovered years ago that you are not worth talking to when you're drinking. Nothing sticks, nothing stays on your brain like this, and you melt into an agreeable piece of shit that doesnt mean what she says and cannot tell the truth to save her life.

I do not accept your apology.

We are not okay.

Call me when you get sober.

Cristina