#you might need to mask to survive right now. it sucks. one day you won't have to

[ridragon]

hey if you're a minor and dealing with adults not listening to you and being treated miserably by programs and people claiming to help you know that i love you so so so much and i promise one day you'll escape and the damage may scar instead of fully heal but you WILL make it. I believe in you. Stay strong. i know it's so fucking hard and unfair but you can do it.

[northwest-cryptid]

You know, people talk a lot about the bigger things that disabilities will change. Like yea you can't work a job or stand for very long and yea it feels like you're dying constantly. However it's the little deaths that come from those things that are a lot less apparent.

I can't drive anymore, it was one of the few times I could be alone with my thoughts, it was therapeutic for me to just throw on some music and drive. Now it's unsafe to drive, I just don't have that outlet anymore, I can't go places on my own I'm stuck at home.

I can't even rave anymore. I get winded just walking up the stairs, you think I can dance like this? I often forget that my body is literally disabled on the inside, my organs aren't what they should be. I'm not even 30 and I can't even dance for all of 3 minutes despite the fact I used to be able to literally rave until morning.

Existing in VR is difficult for me, I mostly play seated; it's hard to move and harder to stand up for any duration of time. It's difficult to really escape the knowledge that my body won't function like it should anymore.

It's the repeated little deaths that make the bigger problems all the worse. You stress because your bank is in the red again, you know you can't make money, you can't work a job; you can't get on disability because you can't get a lawyer... maybe you should go for a drive, but that's not safe anymore, and even if it were; where would you get the money to afford gas? Well that's okay, you could listen to some music, just... make sure you do so while seated, and don't get too into it; if you move around too much you'll get light headed. Hey maybe you could play some games or something that might help distract you from the stress... you know, if your arms aren't literally sore from just existing.

Long covid sucks, I am having a hard time truly coming to grips with the reality of my life. I'll be 29 as of the 26th; and yet I live with chronic pain, and an illness that I'll have for the rest of my life that makes it nearly impossible to do anything I enjoy. I'm not living, I'm surviving. I'm waking up each day a little worse off than I was the last, a little less capable, a little less able bodied.

Helping around the house has become harder, mowing the lawn used to be a chore because you know, it's yard work; no one wants to do yard work. Now it's a chore because even mowing just part of the lawn leaves me so light headed I can't see well; my vision blurs, my head goes completely numb, it becomes harder to breath, and I'll feel guilty if my partner has to do it for me.

It's like, there's an emotional pain that comes from the physical limitations. It's not enough that I can't take care of things myself, but to know I have indirectly put that on someone I love and made it their problem makes me feel like shit. So I tell myself to push through it, even if it might kill me; because I don't want others I care about to suffer; and it leaves me feeling like my body has already given up.

I can't afford a doctor, I can't even afford rent, I can't afford to eat, or to pay for a car I can't use but that won't sell for anywhere near what I need to make payments for. My life feels like it's ruined even though I stayed home, I wore masks, I did everything right. I did what I was told, I played by all the rules; I got my shots and boosters, and I'm still paying the price.

[ixeliema]

Okay this is going to be pretty personal and potentially triggering so I'm leaving that here at the top. I'm going to be discussing depression and self harm here and I will tag accordingly. I will not be specific or speak of it in detail because a lot of people read posts like these at their lowest points and it does nothing but hurt already very troubled people to read.

These bubbles are covering an injury I inflicted upon myself at work today after my manager called me in to a meeting with him to speak about the amount of missed days of work I'd taken in the last two-three weeks.

How it happened doesn't matter. The only context you need for it is that I missed four days due to a contagious illness and one day due to a stomach bug that had me physically unable to leave the bathroom. I work long hours and in my store's home department. I work hard and never do things 80% or lower at work and it's exhausting at times.

Well...yesterday I had a panic attack that lasted for almost four hours and knew I couldn't work in this state. I had been curling into a ball, screaming, sobbing, (tw) pulling my hair.

I called in and my manager told me we'd need to talk about my missed days. Fine. I accept that. Today I dreaded the inevitable call back and when it happened he told me that two of my customers had filed complaints on me within two days last week.

One I will admit is justified. He was talking about gun issues and complaining that retail stores should sell guns, meanwhile I am from a college that was shot up and I am fucking terrified of guns. I don't mind not selling them. Especially in light of El Paso recently.

The other was a lady who noticed I was sweaty and tired after having to manually enter her discounts for about 25 apparel items because her digital coupon wasn't ringing right and it was a system issue. I had an injury between my fingers at the time and all the typing to fix the prices was pulling apart my scab and I had begun to bleed through my bandage. At the end of the transaction, she made eye contact with me and asked "I'm sorry...are you IRRITATED with me?" I don't remember exactly what I said but I said something like "no ma'am I'm bleeding". Well apparently 'no' means I'm still a bitch who needed reported to her manager.

The first...fine. I was out of line there. I shouldn't have let him goad me on. But the second pisses me off. Not happy because three strikes on my record is cause for termination due to disregard for customer satisfaction. This sucks a lot. But then my manager talks about my missed days and why they happened. I mentioned my sicknesses and cited a literal rule (if you are contagious or having issues with bodily fluids don't come in" at him. Yesterday I told him my situation. I was unable to breathe. See. Anything. I cited my mental illness and told him it was very bad yesterday. He kind of brushed me off. (Which in itself fucking infuriates me bc mental health isn't a goddamn joke!)

Then he told me to evaluate myself and whether or not this job is right for me. I also have a physical injury and I require a brace. Even with it sometimes I have sore days and pain that I can't control due to walking about four to five miles a day at work. It sucks but with the brace I can survive. I need this job to live after all, and I don't mind the coworkers or the job itself. It just sucks when I'm working 48 hours in a row with a lot of mental and physical barriers to my success.

He told me to my face that if I didn't feel I was capable of doing the job to quit. And then he told me he needed someone "more reliable" for the position because of the business' needs.

I kind of broke at that point. And I blacked out into a relapse of my self harm after the meeting was through. I pride myself on two things: my sense of humor even in dark times (comes with the territory of mental illness), and the fact that I strive to be reliable. My manager telling me to my face that I wasn't reliable broke me.

See I would be more understanding if he hadn't just told me that five of my six missed days were perfectly acceptable. But after he learned of the last one amd why he kind of shifted gears. And I hated it very much.

He's worked for x corporation nearly 20 years and no one will question his authority. He works hard and is pretty good with his workers. Honestly he's a little sexist and clearly doesn't think mental illnesses are a big deal, but he's good at what he does. So hearing an authority figure (the type of person I've learned to fear because I'm never good enough) tells me I'm not one of the qualities I fucking FIGHT for...I broke.

But this story isn't why I wanted to post it. Yeah I could rant about the rude manager and the customers and that dumb "customer is always right" mentality (which they could prove wrong if they just looked up the security footage for the rude lady!)

No I'm here because when I got home from working 2-11...bordering tears and panic all day and sweatier than anyone living in Arizona right now...I hopped in the bath for a soak and to give myself time to heal from the long arduous day.

My mind has been full of intrusive thoughts about my worth and how I broke my streak of being clean from self harm and how that makes me a coward. That kind of joyous stuff.

I sat up to get my phone to text my friend and saw that my knee (where my injury is) was covered in bubbles.

I don't know why...but that means a lot to me right now. Like...I'm taking care of myself after probably the worst day I've had since my dad died. I'm taking time to heal. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my soul after a long and painful day. And it felt like for a moment, the universe understood that looking at my wound hurt me as much as the wound itself hurt. It wanted me to not dwell on it.

Obviously this isn't a magic "I'm no longer depressed" moment but for me, seeing the bubbles...a sign (at least to me) of trying to take care of myself masking the pain of my depression and anxiety.

Today has been a very tough day for me with a lot of manic episodes and a lot of depressive ones, and though I can wear the face that I'm okay...it cracked a lot today and I let my ugly side seep out. And seeing the bubbles covering my wound I deadass cried about it, y'all.

This tells me that even on your worst days, taking care of yourself and trying to find time to recover can help you to heal. And I wanted to post this because I think this story might help someone. Even just one person. Maybe even just myself someday when out of the blue I check my (very small) tag for original posts.

The TLDR of this is that this occurence kind of showed me that taking care of yourself...even in tiny, seemingly insignificant ways, can really help you to not dwell on pain as much.

And before someone hijacks this and says this won't apply to everyone...I know. But I hope someone sees this image of bubbles on a goddamn kneecap and thinks to themselves that they ought to take better care of themselves after a bad day. After a relapse. After feeling so defeated you considered suicide. Consider healing. Consider trying to help yourself, even just in one small way.

That's about all I have to say other than "fuck I work the next three days and I'm not stoked to go fake a smile as a cashier for 27 more hours even if I'm being paid"

[punkscowardschampions]

Grace & Janis

Grace: Did you even tell anyone you were staying out?? 🤔🤔 Janis: Did YOU warn the fam you were inviting the devil inside? 🤔🤔 Grace: Rude! Grace: Someone woke up on the wrong side of the barista's bed Grace: OMG is he that bad? How shaming Janis: Wouldn't you all love to know Grace: Like you would anyway, you don't have anything to compare him too Janis: Again, you wish you knew Janis: but yes, I text them Janis: that it? Grace: Oh honey, we ALL knew you were a virgin Grace: Did he? Grace: Before you made it obvious, I mean Grace: You should have come home first, me & the girls could have helped you out Janis: It's cute Janis: all the things you THINK you know Janis: yeah, that'd be fun Janis: Mia must've dropped the invite on her way out Janis: with the story, likw Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: girl please Grace: Mia'll get over it Grace: Unlike ME! You could've told me! Janis: Get over herself? Janis: Unlikely Janis: Told you what? Grace: OMG how hungover are you!? Don't be dense Grace: THE GOSSIP obvs Grace: I have to hear it from Mia Grace: so UNACCEPTABLE Janis: It's gossip 'cos she made it Janis: as if I had a chance to tell you or anyone, even if I wanted, when she went live with it Grace: There's always time to give me the real story Grace: You've got a phone Grace: Look how quick you answered this morning 🙄 Janis: 'Cos I thought you might have some real concern Janis: shoulda known better Grace: I AM concerned bitch Grace: you could be in a ditch Janis: Yeah, new boy's a serial killer Janis: this ain't the CW Grace: I didn't even know you were with HIM, did I? Grace: You never tell me anything Janis: Now who's being dense Janis: 1+1=2 Grace: Excuse me for having a nun for a sister Grace: Usually Janis: Again Janis: get a clue Grace: OMG Grace: I'm trying Janis: Bless 💕 Grace: Are you coming home TODAY? Janis: Are the coven gone Grace: I wouldn't bother asking if they hadn't Grace: I'm not stupid Janis: Probably then Janis: I got stuff to do Grace: One of them better be 🚿 Grace: Whelan's is soooooooo gross Janis: Not like you've ever got inside to know Grace: It's not like I want to Grace: like I said, ew Janis: Not with that baby face 😂 Grace: Shut up Janis: Like I said, bless Grace: I hate you so much Grace: This is what I get for being nice Janis: Nice Janis: Where? Grace: This WHOLE convo Grace: From the moment I checked you were still alive Grace: & I defended you last night GOD KNOWS why Janis: Shouldn't have to Janis: if your friends weren't cunts you wouldn't be in such a mood Grace: You're the only one being a bitch to me, Janis Grace: Newsflash Janis: Nah Janis: I'd have to be interested for that Grace: Yeah we KNOW you're only into barista boy Janis: Why would I be interested in anything you're doing Janis: it's them with the fucked priorities for giving a shit Grace: OMG get over yourself Grace: getting one boy to sleep with you doesn't make you God's gift Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: Like I told you before, he'll get bored Janis: You first Janis: Like I told you before, get a hobby Janis: pass it on Grace: Whatever Grace: Don't come crying to me when he realises how much of a bitch you are Janis: 😰 Janis: Don't come to me when you grow a backbone and/or personality of your own Janis: still won't be interested Grace: I already have both thanks Janis: 👌 Grace: 👋 Janis: Cute 😂 Grace: At least one of us is Janis: Sick burn Janis: If only someone that weren't Mia thought so, eh babe? Janis: Sad times 💔 Grace: Take your own advice and get a clue Janis: 😂 #exposed Janis: get some self-esteem Grace: You need it more Grace: Letting that boy use you like this....tragic Janis: I'm God's gift, remember Janis: Can't have it both ways baby Grace: I said you think you are Grace: Not that he does Janis: SELF-esteem, Gracie Janis: not 'this boy would chuck it up me from behind' esteem Janis: poor thing Grace: Faking having it doesn't mean you really do, hun Grace: We can all flex on the snap Grace: You're honestly so embarrassing Janis: I don't need facetune to flex Janis: no filters gonna fix all...that 💋 Grace: You DO need it, you just don't USE it Janis: Nah, I don't though Janis: tragedy Grace: Sure Jan Grace: Keep telling yourself that, babes Janis: You keep telling yourself Janis: can't talk someone into feeling as bad as you do Janis: let your bestie in on the secret and maybe you'll both stop being such poisonous little trolls 💕 Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: You wish Grace: Can't be bullied without a bully, but you're not that important to Mia 💔 Janis: Oh no Janis: not queen Mia Janis: suck her dick a lil better and she might love you back Janis: story of your life though, that 🤷 Grace: You're actually disgusting Grace: Save it for your boyfriend, I'm sure it makes him really 😍😍😍 Janis: Yeah, and I'm the Nun Janis: the swings and roundabouts you have to go on to make me the bad guy Janis: no wonder you're braindead 😵 Grace: Yeah sure 🙄 Grace: I don't have to say things to cover up the fact I don't know what I'm doing Grace: You sound 12 Janis: Lie of the year goes to Janis: that's all that comes out your mouth Janis: fuck what's going in it 😂 Janis: I'm glad I don't like you, it'd be exhausting having to pity you as hard as is needed Grace: Again, you wish Grace: You tell me to get a hobby, you make the same 'argument' over and over again Janis: it ain't an argument Janis: irrefutable facts Janis: don't like it, change it up Janis: we all got bored a long time ago Grace: Exactly, it isn't, it's you trying to throw shade TERRIBLY Grace: You don't know a single fact about me, babe Grace: Clearly you don't like THAT if you have to keep pretending you do Grace: Hm? Sounds like me with his convo Grace: Don't you have a boy getting bored rn? You might wanna focus on that Janis: Nothing to know Janis: Shadow of a shadow Janis: Literally how are you the blandest granola ass bitch outta the lot and they're all white as hell Janis: not even earning them mixed points, it's a real talent how uninteresting you are, truly Janis: tutorial on that, please Grace: 😂😂😂😂 Grace: But you're STILL talking to me instead of him Grace: What's the matter? Not everything you hoped it'd be? So sad Janis: I got more than one braincell Janis: can talk about put mascara on Janis: though the memes of you failing in your last vid have been amusing, tah for that Grace: You should try doing it Grace: Obvs you need more that mascara but every little helps Janis: Not with a face like that Janis: but you know, more is more and it almost constitutes a mask at this point Grace: 👏👏👏 Janis: There you go, now when you cry like a little bitch about it, you've got reason beyond your victim complex Janis: welcome ✌ Grace: MINE? You're the one who thinks that we're so invested in your little love story that we're all out for sabotage Grace: Please Janis: You know you can see when people watch your stories, yeah? Janis: she was like, the first view Janis: so much for not being important, don't worry, I won't steal your girl Grace: She's mad 'cause you outshined her coffee date moment Grace: Like I said, she'll get over it Janis: Should stop making herself vom Janis: wreaks havoc on your natural glow, but that's neither here nor there Grace: And she's the evil one Grace: That's not funny or true Janis: Cry me a river Janis: not gonna if she kills herself making herself look even worse than her personality Grace: OMG STOP Grace: You're as bad as she is Grace: Obsessed with each other 🙄 Grace: Get a room or something Janis: Awh, wanna be BFFs then?! Janis: 😏 Grace: Shut up Grace: I'd rather be the one who dies Janis: Didn't think so Grace: The first thing you've got right this whole time Grace: Well done, babes Janis: I ain't the one in remedials with the rest of the thickos Grace: Stop calling me stupid Janis: Any time you fancy stopping Janis: be my guest Grace: And what? Be more like you? 😂 Janis: You wish Janis: Be less braindead, would be a start Grace: YOU wish Grace: Caring about what I look like doesn't make me braindead Grace: It makes you a judgey bitch Janis: Yeah, that's the issue Janis: look like Sephora threw up on your face all you want Janis: at least be a person with it, not a painted fuckdoll Grace: So sorry I can't get top marks in maths or whatever OMG Janis: 🔬 Grace: I don't even know what you're talking about now Janis: Just trying to find your last surviving braincell Grace: Find it with the last place you cared about anything Janis: 🔭 Janis: Nope Janis: no signs of life Janis: soz Grace: So glad I could make you feel better about your crap shag by insulting me Grace: But I'm the idiot 👌 Janis: Awh, don't do yourself down Janis: never let it be said you don't have your uses Grace: I'm not here to be used by you, hun Grace: Deal with that Janis: Just a cumdump and Mia's personal bitch Janis: coolio 👍 Grace: Says you Grace: You've known that boy for like a day Grace: & Mia's more concerned with you right now, like I said Janis: 😱 Janis: Are you SLUT SHAMING me Janis: dundundun Janis: know you're 💔 but babes, girl code Grace: I'm stating a fact Grace: You think you're better than me, you aren't Janis: You think I am Janis: I just don't disagree, that's all Grace: I think you're the worst person this family has so far produced Grace: But whatever you need to tell yourself Janis: A dagger through my heart Janis: good thing you've got no place then init Grace: Yeah Grace: Bad enough I have to have the same last name as you all Janis: Marry the first boring white boy who will settle for you and no one ever need know Grace: And follow in your footsteps? No thanks Janis: You couldn't fill these shoes, figuratively and literally Grace: I don't want to Grace: You dress worse than your boyfriend Grace: At least he gets paid to look like that some of the time Janis: as much as I'd LOVE to look like topshop's sale rack Janis: you rinse 'em every time, what's a girl to do Grace: Obvs Grace: It's all my fault you look a state Janis: I don't, so don't trouble yourself Grace: You do, but I won't Janis: Mia don't seem to think so 😘 Grace: She hates you, that's her obsession Grace: Keep looking like that, it fuels her Janis: What, the body she's actually killing herself for? Janis: Will do and it's so effortless Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: I'm the one who needs a hobby and is soooo uninteresting but you keep talking about Mia cos that's really not Grace: Go into her inbox, please Janis: Like I said, get a personality and we might stand a chance Janis: surgically remove yourself or are you less of a Siamese and more parasite? Grace: Sure, I'll turn myself into her so you can be obsessed with me Grace: You two are ridiculous Janis: 😂😂 Janis: Oh honey Janis: you clearly can't, been trying for years Grace: You wish Grace: Does your boyfriend know you're in love with my best friend? Grace: You might wanna share before he catches feelings Janis: Do you know your best friend kinda hates you? Janis: 😬 too late for you, awkies Grace: Rn the feeling is mutual Grace: Get over it Jan-Jan Janis: 💔 Janis: You'll get over it Janis: well, she'll walk over you, doormat Grace: Like you care Grace: either way Janis: What's the point Janis: You're never going to Grace: I care bitch Janis: You're never going to stand up to her Janis: Why should I be waiting on it with baited breath Grace: You've never waited on me Grace: Don't act like it's Mia's fault Janis: It ain't, it's yours Janis: she's a decent scapegoat though Grace: Again, you wish Grace: Nothing's all my fault, sorry about it Janis: Trust, no part of me wishes for you as my sister Janis: especially what you've become Grace: That makes two of us Janis: You said Janis: with all the care and concern you're claiming Grace: I do care, I just wish I didn't Grace: and that you weren't my sister Janis: Get over it Grace: You can try and tell me what to do as much as you like Grace: Not gonna happen Janis: I know, you're hopelessly pathetic Janis: like I said, no baited breath here Grace: Me? Oh babes Grace: Like I said, tragic Janis: Yeah, you Grace: 😂 Janis: 😥