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hayesit · 5 years ago

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matt’s 2019 year in review

here it is! and it’s late because i had other/better things to do (and procrastinating), was recovering from hangovers (also procrastinating), and recovering from being sick (procrastinating).

i’ve been doing these year in review posts since 2016, so here is my fourth installment. every year i look back through my google calendar, my camera roll, and my bullet journal as a gratitude exercise and to chart my own development as an adult.

here is my spotify wrapped 2019!

the beginning of this year was off to a good start: i met two friends that i know through the internet! i met my friend riley when she visited boston (i met her through a mutual friend and through overwatch league twitter) and my friend jimmy that i’ve known for…. 6 or 7 years (?!) through tumblr and designed the logo for me and alex’s late podcast, hardly tea, may she rest in peace.

i moved dorm rooms in between the fall and spring semester, and once again i was not happy with where i lived. i lived with 4 rando’s that i was placed with and the 5 of us barely even talked with each other. my direct roommate i saw for only two weeks, and for the nights he slept over in the bed (that he was paying room and board for) and had the worst snoring humanly possible that not even earplugs could kill (video below). i hardly slept while he was there and roamed the halls of riverview suites like a ghost due to the anxiety i felt about my lack of sleep (we love a vicious circle)! he disappeared after those two weeks without notice and i lived in fear of him returning for the rest of the semester (which he didn’t), but returned to my normal sleep schedule.

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that semester was my first semester of full-time grad school. i got a poor grade on an assignment that had a note from the professor that said she knew i could do better and it hit me how much different grad school is from undergrad and how much more effort and dedication it requires. after crying in my professor’s office, my work ethic has improved since then, but it’s not anywhere near where i’d like it to be (more on that later).

now to more positive things for the spring semester: i met some friends that semester both ~on and offline~ that made the semester far more bearable AND i did however truly pop off in every last one of my powerpoint presentations for class. i looooove making powerpoints and just fuckin telling jokes about my research topic and have ppl tell me that they are looking forward to my presentation & that i should teach college classes :)!

me and 4 friends had a social group in which we’d drink and play board games and forget about the board game and drunkenly talk shit called cabam after all our first initials! i always looked forward to that and dug the group chemistry a lot.

during this semester i grew a “ beard “, otherwise known as i chose not to shave just to “ see what would happen “ (praythatitfilledin). sorry about that!

the overwatch league was something that i had to look forward to watch every week and i had my experience enhanced through sideshow and avast’s unofficial companion streams, which guaranteed lots of laughs. i have bought tickets to two boston home games in 2020 which i am very excited about! analysts have predicted boston to be in 20th place this year (there are 20 teams) but i’m still excited for the 2020 season anyway!!

i can’t have a year-in-review of 2019 without mentioning game of thrones. due to the show’s final season being undeniably weak, i enjoyed the camaraderie with the other people that watched thrones during those six weeks. i haven’t thought about the show or its universe for quite a while, unfortunately. i truly was quite into the world of westeros, but the weakness of the end of the story cheapened the journey of each of the characters, in a way. such a shame.

while i got my diploma in december 2018, i walked across the stage of umass lowell’s tsongas arena with my bachelor of arts in psychology (and minor in theatre arts). it wasn’t as emotional or triumphant of an experience and just felt weird, considering i had already gotten my diploma and was going to remain in the clutches of rowdy the riverhawk as i am staying for my masters degree in applied behavior analysis/autism studies. i brought a ceramic monkey to graduation. it didn’t have any symbolism, but i just wanted to see if they’d stop me (which they didn’t)

this summer was better than most summers of mine go, i hung out with alex nearly every weekend, got my very first iphone, and got a data plan. the combination of these three things got me back into playing pokemon go, an unexpectedly fun pastime! went on lots of walks!

my favorite day of summer was going to a lake with alex and our friend gianna, who i grew closer to after meeting her during macbeth last year. fond 2019 memories with gianna include: doing simulation patients with her, watching movies with her and alex, and the halloween party. what a great gd person and a great gd friend! big fan and eternally rooting for her.

fire emblem: three houses came out on the switch in august and is, without a doubt, my game of the year. there’s truly so much to love about the game: the world, the characters, new changes made to the series, things that were gone but returned, interesting micromanaging, and best of all, how huge my brain feels when playing it.

i got a 6-week summer job as a paraprofessional at an extended-school-year program for children with developmental disabilities at a preschool in haverhill which taught me a lot of lessons, such as: i hate cleaning shit off of children.

then i had feelings that didn’t make much sense for about a month! whoops!

my full-time job i currently have is working at my old high school as a behavior specialist. i provide consultation and work on programs to lead to more appropriate behavior in students, primarily ones with developmental disabilities. so far it’s been fairly rewarding, some days are more challenging than others, some days are a lot of sitting in meetings, and some days are a lot of running around. some days there is not much to do at all, which has its obvious upsides and downsides. working at the high school isn’t something that i want to do forever, but it’s a good place to start with. i’m definitely learning a lot and there are a lot of benefits to working here. sometimes i can work on my grad school work (which is all online until the 2020 summer semester) which is definitely huge. and my commute is either a 15 minute walk or 3 minutes if my mom drives me!

a ~complex~ thing about working in my hometown is that it makes the most financial sense to live at home because it’s so close to work. this is my first time living at home full-time since high school and i’m not enjoying that part too much. most weekends i visit alex in lowell, but being stuck at home with no car (going to retake the license test in the spring when the ice melts!) and having to go to bed so early definitely hurts. sure, i have what is likely the lowest amount of expenses i’ll ever have in my life (no car-related payments, no rent, no groceries), but i feel landlocked. i feel like a teenager with minimal freedom, which is in part because my mom doesn’t quite understand yet that i’m a 22 year-old that should have a lot more freedom than i do now. the most i really do on weekdays after work gets out (2:30p) is go to savers with my mom if it’s tuesday (senior citizen day), maybe go for a walk if it’s nice out (which for most of the school year, it isn’t), or be on the computer watching bon appetit videos and playing overwatch, fire emblem, or pokemon, eat a bland dinner at 6, go to bed at around 9:30. sad! truly not a situation that i want to be trapped in that much that much longer!

i think the best and most important part of this year was becoming closer with alex. as i mentioned before, we see each other most weekends, to our great benefit. our living situations have flip-flopped, with me living at home and alex living in an apartment near campus, which in both similar and different ways have taken their respective tolls on us. having each other while going through changes and stagnations in our lives has been immeasurably important. thank you alex for providing a place to be myself other than my own head. thank you for being my best friend.

now i come to the thing that i’m most excited about for 2020. not 2 suck my own horn but i have cobbled together a fuckin dream team of five friends (me, alex, chris, kelly, and molly). the two times we have all gotten together it has been so satisfying in such a wonderful and otherworldly way that i am filled to the brim of happiness being around them. the craziest thing is that i met chris and kelly through twitter! TWITTER. and they’re real-ass people and my real-ass friends! i haven’t been so pleased with something in my life like this for so long and it feels so good to have adult friends that i have chosen rather than friends by circumstance. it’s truly a crime that we can’t see each other more often, but we already have a day picked out for the next time we all do something together. feeling emotional writing this paragraph bc i love me gd friends so much!

there is a lot of uncertainty about this new year for me. i sure as fuck don’t want to live at home more than i have to but don’t know where to go, my practicum class starts for me this summer which means i’ll most likely have to change jobs (fine by me, but will be exhausting), i recently began my search for therapists and hope to find one soon to help me ~unpack things~, my thesis begins in the fall semester and i don’t know what to do for it, and i’m not 100% dead-set on working in special education. it’s been hard transitioning from living on campus and going to school full-time to the life i have now.

#year in review #personal

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momoyomaki · 6 years ago

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Could Five realistically be autistic based solely on what we see on the show?

I stumbled across the theory that Five is autistic, and as someone with autism I find that very interesting. I’m not yet convinced he does have autism, but I’m not convinced he doesn’t either.

So let’s take this apart. :cracks knuckles:

First off, a couple things to keep in mind:

-No two autistic people are exactly the same.

-I am drawing on my own experience living with autism, and what I’ve witnessed from my sister and the kids I work with.

-Disabilities that affect the brain overlap. Many different things can affect the same areas of the brain, and we just categorize things for ease of assigning coping mechanisms. For example, if you were to take a brain scan of my brother who has PTSD, my sister who has brain damage from childhood trauma, and myself with autism, the scans would look very similar.

-Whether or not Five has autism, he most definitely has PTSD.

-Please chime in with your own theories and experiences, I’d love to open this TED talk up.

Ok here we go:

Klaus calls Five addicted to the apocalypse and he’s not wrong. Through an autistic lens, obsessing and hyper-fixating is like our bread and butter. My hyper-fixations have driven me to all sorts of extremes, like staying up for 24 hours, and giving myself heatstroke by hyper-fixating while outside. Whether Five is autistic or not he can obviously relate. His obsession with stopping the apocalypse drives him for 40+ years. He carries an eyeball around the entire time. His fixation on returning to his family keeps him going through his career as a hitman, something he makes clear he didn’t enjoy. On that note, he spent an episode walking around with a goddamn bullet wound. Talk about mind over matter, and also another tick in the hyper-fixation column. Again, when he checks on Klaus after he time travels to the Vietnam War, he’s clearly concerned for him, but gets sidetracked once again by his need to stop the apocalypse. Which is honestly valid, I mean, it’s the apocalypse.

Dolores. Anybody whose seen a decent therapist will probably have been told “yeah I know it sounds crazy, but try talking to yourself.” Being your own sounding board is a very healthy thing believe it or not, and Five uses Dolores for this purpose. Those with autism in my experience have crazy good imaginations. If I try hard enough I can fabricate fake memories to the point where I can’t quite remember it’s not true. I think this has a lot to do with the way autism thinks in pictures. Imaginary friend anyone? So Five finding Dolores and talking with her as if she were real for so long that he actually sees and hears her as a person? Totally believable and something I could see having happened to myself under the right circumstances. That being said, I feel he’s probably perfectly aware that she is, in fact, a mannequin. Dolores can be seen as a sign of Five having snapped or as a brilliant way of keeping his sanity while isolated for decades.

Coffee. Five’s caffeine addiction is probably not related to autism in anyway whatsoever, but boy can I relate. Coffee is my holy grail because it calms my personal blend of brain chemicals down enough for me to focus on things like driving. Of course that’s my ADHD talking. It’s not uncommon for those with autism to also have ADHD, but that’s a whole other post. So let’s just say Five’s relatable and leave it at that.

Sarcasm and Snark. Possibly the most common coping mechanism ever for any problem in existence. Probably just a part of Five’s glorious personality, but let’s say he developed it the way I did. As a way of taking on the world, sarcasm makes everything more bearable. It’s also a form of humor and nothing is as good as humor to cover social missteps. It takes you from being a weird outcast to being the Funny/Sarcastic Friend™️.

Five and routine. The first thing Five does when returning to the past is make his signature sandwich. Here he is, back with his family after all this time, and he doesn’t allow himself to bask in that, because the count down to the apocalypse has started. There’s no way he isn’t thrown off though, come on. 13 years old again with his family alive. When feeling shaken, most people with autism will absolutely fall back into routines even if they’re old ones. And who wants to bet he drove past at least one other perfectly serviceable shop with coffee on his way to Griddy’s and ignored them in favour of familiarity? And of course he works to get Dolores back right off the bat. When upset over the lab getting blown up he returns to what we can assume was home during the apocalypse; the library.

Five and his ability to take people at face value despite his overactive paranoia. From my experience working with those with autism, autistic people are some of the most forgiving people you will ever meet. This doesn’t have to come from a place of kindness. It’s more our black and white nature. Something used to be this way, and now it’s that way. We tend to just accept it where others might have a million questions. This goes hand in hand with our people sense. Oh we suck at reading social cues, but our instincts in regards to a persons trustworthiness are generally bang on. You see this in Five’s chat with Hazel. He doesn’t seem to have a problem buying what Hazel’s selling. Same with Klaus, who he acknowledges more then his other siblings even if it’s in a snarky manner. (He didn’t shoot Klaus down when he talked about conjuring their dad unlike Luther, and despite his angry reaction he took Klaus’ point about being addicted to the apocalypse seriously.) He gets angry when Vanya doesn’t believe him about the apocalypse but when it becomes clear that her disbelief is not malicious he doesn’t take it out on her. In contrast he doesn’t buy the Handler’s bullshit. To sum it up, Five is a practical people person, with good instincts but an outdated copy of Social Cues for Dummies. Is this autism or an effect of 40+ years alone? Both?

Five, the pragmatist. As the Handler says, Five is a first rate pragmatist which fits how a lot of those on the spectrum are very blunt, black and white thinkers. Where my family can debate politics for hours, my opinion is always the straightest path to whatever outcome I’m arguing for.

Five and clothes. Those on the spectrum tend to be hypersensitive, and clothing can be a Thing™️ for us. Certain materials feel like they're made of needles as opposed to just itchy, jeans are too tight, turtlenecks feel like a noose, etc. This is common, but sometimes it’s less about comfy sweatpants and more about familiarity. I have an undercut and if I don’t have time to get it shaved at the usual point, I get panicky. My hair feels slightly different, it looks slightly different, and it all just doesn't feel right. Five grew up wearing the academy uniform, and while he didn’t have the luxury of a suit and tie in the apocalypse, wearing a suit was clearly important to him during his time with the Commission. Even the Handler took notice, and gifted him a suit. And the second thing he does after making a sandwich in the past is find a suit that fits him. Ok, he didn’t have any options, but he didn’t have to wear the whole outfit. He could have mixed and matched. He could have stolen something from the department store. But no, he’s got to wear a suit jacket and tie. He even grabbed his tie off the guy he strangled at Griddy’s before he took care of the last dude. (Badass power move btw.) So I find it believable that the uniform was partially about appearances and partially about Five’s comfort zone, physically speaking.

(But wait, I hear you say, how can you throw in hypersensitivity when back up this post you claimed Five could have ignored his bullet wound via hyper-fixation? Here’s the thing, hyper-fixation basically mutes the notifications our bodies send us. We can be uncontrollably hypersensitive and still not clue into our bodies screaming at us while we fixate on something. But boy, we sure notice when we snap out of it.)

Five is all or nothing, ride or die. Oh boy is he ever. And most autistic people are too. We put our all into everything we do. Doesn’t always translate to doing it well, but we definitely give it our all. (In fact, we tend to over do things and need some serious recouping time after.) This can cover things already in the hyper-fixation section, like his obsession with the apocalypse. But going all in for something is different from the magnetic pull of hyper-fixation. It’s a conscious decision for one thing. The biggest example for Five is his commitment to his family. The Hargreeves are a dysfunctional family, and Five didn’t escape this by jumping to the future. He’s hardly the perfect brother but he’s the most invested in his siblings nonetheless. He became a killer for them, threw morals out the window for the slim chance he might be able to save them. And as is established pretty quickly, he put his all into being a hitman, becoming the best there ever was. That fight scene in the diner speaks for itself. And slicing up his own arm to get at the tracker? Well, it’s pretty clear that when Five commits to something he doesn’t mess around.

Five and math. Here we hit a stereotype about autistic people and their ‘special interests.’ Yeah, it’s really common, but what most people don’t know is that the majority of those on the spectrum are not math geniuses, or geniuses of any other kind. My sister’s ‘special interest’ is still relatively useful, being science, but she’s not a genius. Mine is ‘stories.’ Books, movies, theatre, music, etc. I can devour fiction forever. It’s basically useless to society though, because I’m picky af. But okay, Five fits the stereotype and is a math genius, or at least where it applies to time travel. We see this in the flashback already. Ok, time travelling didn’t work out as he’d hoped, but he managed it at 13 when even Reginald didn’t think he could. This makes me think that his tendency to spend hours working out equations didn’t start in the apocalypse.

Does Five stim? If so, we don’t really see it. That doesn’t rule out autism though, because, well, it’s a spectrum. I only stimmed as a toddler. Some people don’t stim at all.

Vanya. Another theory I’ve seen thrown around is that Vanya is autistic. I’m not going to address that here, but I do want to say that if she is, that wouldn't affect whether or not Five is autistic. Autism is not personality after all, and they are very different people. Again, autism is a spectrum and nobody displays all the same traits. If you’re thinking it would be unrealistic for Reginald. To have adopted two kids with autism, think again. That one autistic sister of mine? Adopted as a baby before we had any idea that she was a mini me.

Five doesn’t appear obviously autistic. What most people don’t realize is that autism is at the end of the day an invisible disability. Most people will know someone at some point on the spectrum and never even realize it. Because sure, sometimes you’ll see us rocking under the table or otherwise displaying what movies have stereotyped as autistic behaviour, but most of the time you won’t notice. We’re the slightly overly bright cashier at Walmart, the quiet bookworm at school, your favourite author that writes emotions so well, the person at comic con who can recite their favourite movie line for line, that kid that gets along best with those older or younger then them. If Five is autistic we may never know, because he’s perfectly functional, but that's hardly and argument against autism either.

And finally; people relate. Nobody knows autism better then those with autism themselves, so I’m inclined to take all the posts I’ve seen about Autistic!Five as a pretty big point on the autism column.

To summarize; none of these points taken alone indicate autism, but together well.... it’s an option at least.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, I will now open the stage to audience input before this monster grows any longer.

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100deepquestions-blog · 8 years ago

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The Second Master List

Have you ever considered dating yourself?

Which would you choose? Being with your soulmate for 1 year and then they die, or choosing to not meet them at all.

If a prisoner (in jail) wrote a letter to you, Would you write back?

If you could have a twin, Would you?

If you had to give up Your arms or your legs -which would it be?

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

If you had to pick 1 or 2 qualities that you have had since you were a child -what would they be.

If you could see your death Would you want to see it?

If you could lose all your memories and start fresh, would you choose to do it? Say the age you start fresh would be at 15 years old.What about at 20?

Would you rather have an unrequited love for 5 years or feel no love for 5 years?

Would you ever give 5 years of your life To extend the life of a grandparent?

Would you rather have a father that is in jail or not know who your father is?

How many more Failures can you take?

If you could pick a country that most represents you, which would it be?

If you could be on a dating reality TV show -would you?

Would you choose to look in mirrors all day, or never look in a mirror again?

What is the first thing you look at when you look at yourself in the mirror?

If you could never again think one thing what would it be?

If you had to be sick for the rest of your life would you choose something that kills you quickly & painfully, or bearably but slowly

If you could redo your first kiss would you: a) choose to do it and b)

-change the person

-change your age

-change the location

-change your/their skill level

Do you think more people like(d) you now or when you were younger?

If you could change your name what would you change it to?

Have you ever been attracted to a friend’s parents?

What would you do if your life was stuck on replay, and you continuously relived one day?

What is something you’ve always wanted to do but never done because it doesn’t “fit” with what people expect/are used to from you? (now consider doing it!)

If anything could happen to/through your tumblr site what is the one thing you wish would?

How many times have you wanted to ask someone out but haven’t done it because you *weren’t sure if your feelings were strong enough*?

If you are sick and will die in 1 yr, And you found your soulmate (and they know they are as well). Would you:

A)even tell them you are sick, and B) be with them for the year, or break up with them

What characteristic makes you attractive to the opposite sex/potential partners? (Do one physical and one personality)

If you had to choose between getting married to your soulmate and continuing a super successful career -which would you choose?

Would you rather settle or be alone?

Have you ever questioned Your sexual orientation?

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Would you like to be famous? For what?

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

Would you (do you) ever save 50% of your income?

What do you think you haven’t found in a potential partner yet? Why?

When something bad happens how do you deal with it?

Talk to someone

Think about it alone (ruminate)

Ignore/suppress and distract yourself

Try to fix it immediately

Would you say yes to being in the body of the opposite gender for 1 year?

Have you ever considered “trying out” an eating disorder?

Ask a significant person in the group you are playing this game with, whether they have ever considering breaking up with you (friendship-wise or romantically), when, and why did they not.

What’s the biggest sacrifice You’ve made for the person on your left (or in the room), that they haven’t acknowledged?

Ask your father “How am I most like you, and how does that scare you?”

Are you scared someone in the room will hurt you? Who, and in what way?

If you needed to decide between two people you know, which will die -would you want to decide, or let a stranger decide?

After a long pursuit You realise someone is as keen

What was your family’s attitude towards affection? How has that impacted you?

Do you wish facebook didn’t exist?

Think of the question you would most like answered, by a person or an all-knowing being or device. Which of the following most closely resembles the answer you’d like to hear?

Without a shadow of a doubt

Never

You are

No i didn’t

I will show you everything

I do

Come with me

Only one

Yes

Always

You will

In the distant future

What do you like most about having a child of your own? You MUST say something

Is there a profession You’ve always wanted to date? (Doctor. Firefighter, military, vet etc)

Among your group of friends are you one who will generally take care of and help everyone (even if you hate it)? Or are you the one who rationally thinks about it and determines whether the person actually needs help?

Would you rather live in a world where you are never alone or where you are always alone

If your life could be a soundtrack Which movie/tv show’s would you choose?

If you could live a movie which would you choose?

Has this election Made you be more interested or less interested in politics? Think carefully.

Ask the person across from you Who do you think I should be with?

-pick anyone -pick anyone from your friends -pick any celebrity

Be honest: the person asking you these questions -If you could have their life -would you want it?

When was the last time you cried? Why?

Would you rather feel too much or feel nothing at all?

Do you feel you are more attached to your friends, than they are to you?

Which of the seven deadly sins Do you deal with the most?

Within the group of people You are answering questions with, what is something you really regret that you’ve done to someone in the group.

What would the title of your autobiography be?

Do you have songs that you avoid because they make you feel too much? Give one example, and one feeling associated with it.

If you could be an Expert in any field, which would you choose?

Describe your ex Using one emoji

What aspect do you struggle With the most, when making a new friend? (Ex: Vulnerability, time/history together, learning about them, integrating into your life etc).

Do you have a hard time Integrating your friends into different aspects of your life? ( Ex work friends with family, family friends with school friends).

Big spoon or little spoon? Why?

In what situation do you Feel the loneliest?

What is something you Believe your parents dislike about you?

Do you feel That the way you look right now represents who you are/how you feel?

Choose between being able To make people very happy vs. Never hurting them. Which would you choose?

What made you start Your Tumblr blog?

Have you ever wished For a disorder or disability? (Or considered it)

Choose. Between perpetrator and victim.

Do you feel Like you’ve reached your peak?

How much of your time Do you spend thinking about romance?

Have people pointed out Your biggest insecurity, or have you never talked about it with anyone (positively or negatively)?

Alternate to 101:

i. Did you generate your insecurity, or was it something you developed over time based off of other people’s comments

If you were in a group of best friends; Are you the:

A) ring leader

B) the groupie

C) the lone wolf

D) the drifter

#20 questions #question #questions #ask me questions #deep thoughts #deep #100dq #converse #writing prompt #writing #love #you #would you rather

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aliddellmimsy · 8 years ago

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*:･ﾟ✧ We’re all mad here; a Walt questionnaire.

1. Describe the character’s height and build. Is he heavyset, thin, short, rangy

Alice is 5’5” and has always been fairly slim. When she’s been taking drugs heavily, however, she tends to look thinner than she should.

2. How old is he?

19. Her birthday was in March and I missed it because I am trash and forgot.

3. Describe his posture. Does he/she carry himself well or does he/she slouch?

She carries herself fairly well, thanks to her mother’s strict upbringing of being a perfect little girl.

4. How is his health? Is he fit or out of shape? Any illnesses or conditions? Any physical disabilities?

Oh she’s very healthy, save for the drug dependency. She is not addicted, thankfully, as hallucinogens aren’t typically addictive substances. She is, however, addicted to the adventure (or the way of making the world more bearable). Physical activity is not her strong suit, and she is pretty out of shape where any sort of cardio activity would be painful.

5. How does he move? Is he clumsy, graceful, tense, fluid?

Again, due to her upbringing, Alice is extremely graceful. Even when she’s coming down from a high, she walks a bit as if she’s floating, though often she is in a bit of a haze.

6. How attractive is this character physically? How does he perceive himself in the mirror?

Alice is quite pretty.

7. Describe his complexion. Dark, light, clear, scarred?

She has fair skin that is very sensitive to the sun, so Alice has made sunscreen a necessary part of her every day routine since coming to California. If she forgets, the end of the day she’s sporting a sun induced flush.

8. Describe his hair: color, texture, style.

Blonde with a bit of a wave. Alice typically wears her hair down, and it lays at about the bottom of her shoulder blades. Some days she plays up her curls, and on lazy ones she’ll throw it in to a plait or up do.

9. What color are his/her eyes?

Blue, with the tiniest bit of green around the pupils.

10. Does the character have any other noteworthy features?

Her hair is probably her most noteworthy feature.

11. What are his/her chief tension centers?

When under duress, Alice holds most tension in her mid-back.

12. What is the character’s wardrobe like? Casual, dressy, utilitarian? Bright colors, pastels, neutrals? Is it varied, or does he/she have six of the same suit?

Alice wears a lot of blues. She’ll insist this isn’t on purpose, but she feels she looks best in the color. And it is her favorite, after all. Blues, blacks, whites, and grays dominate her wardrobe, and even though she’s been living in Los Angeles for over a year, she more often than not still dresses as if she’s in England. But England if it’s very hot.

13. Do his/her clothes fit well? Does he/she seem comfortable in them?

In light of a variety of events in high school, Alice is very comfortable in her clothes and in her own skin.

14. Does he/she dress the same on the job as he/she does in his free time? If not, what are the differences?

Being in Uni and at last no longer needing to wear a uniform for the first time since primary school, she more often than not dresses rather casually. Dresses are reserved for special occasions.

15. You knew it was coming: Boxers, briefs or commando?

Whatever the occasion calls for.

Speech

1. What does this character’s voice sound like? High-pitched, deep, hoarse?

She has a higher mid-pitch tone.

2. How does he/she normally speak? Loud, soft, fast, evenly? Does he/she talk easily, or does he/she hesitate?

Alice speaks rather fluidly and words come to her easily unless she’s pausing for thought. She is rarely loud when she speaks, but rather has a nice even level about her tone.

3. Does the character have a distinct accent or dialect? Any individual quirks of pronunciation? Any, like, you know, verbal tics?

Growing up near London, Alice speaks in an RP dialect with a bit of an Estuary flavor. Her parents’ speech is quite posh, but the eclectic mix of Londoner dialects affected Alice’s over the years. My favorite thing about her accent is the way she hits her T’s.

4. What language/s does he/she speak, and with how much fluency?

She is fluent in English, though she also knows a few Irish Gaelic phrases. (Her father has some Irish ancestry, but no one in the family really talks about it.) She learned French in her private school back home, but has forgotten most of it.

5. Does he/she switch languages or dialects in certain situations?

6. Is he/she a good impromptu speaker, or does he/she have to think about his words?

Alice is a skilled speaker extemporaneously. Occasionally she will pause to think of the best word in a situation, but otherwise speech comes quite easily.

7. Is he/she eloquent or inarticulate? Under what circumstances might this change?

She is highly eloquent, though when she’s been drinking her sentences tend to shorten.

Mental and Emotional

1. How intelligent is this character? Is he/she book-smart or street-smart?

Alice can be book-smart when she cares about a subject, but otherwise she is more street-smart – a skill she gained from many adventures.

2. Does he/she think on his feet, or does he/she need time to deliberate?

She’s learned how to think better on her feet over the years.

3. Describe the character’s thought process. Is he/she more logical, or more intuitive? Idealistic or practical?

Logical, though not always sensical.

4. What kind of education has the character had?

Alice attended private school her entire life back in England, where she was a typical rich kid who succeeded enough to get by. School was never really a focus, although the only subject she’s failed horribly at is American History. Now she’s all but given up on her education all together.

5. What are his/her areas of expertise? What, if anything, is he/she interested in learning more about?

She’s actually gained quite an interest in Art History her first year at Walt, as Alice has always found creativity and adventure stimulating. She’ll learn, by the time she graduates Walt University, that she has a bit of a knack for business.

6. Is he/she an introvert or an extrovert?

Extroverted. ENTP, to be exact.

7. Describe the character’s temperament. Is he/she even-tempered or does he/she have mood swings? Cheerful or melancholy? Laid-back or driven?

Alice certainly has a bit of a temper, and it rears its ugly head most often in situations of conflict. Otherwise she is extremely laid back in temperament.

8. How does he/she respond to new people or situations? Is he/she suspicious, relaxed, timid, enthusiastic?

Alice is still ever curious, always wanting to learn more about people she meets or experience new adventures and situations.

9. Is he/she more likely to act, or to react?

React.

10. Which is his/her default: fight or flight?

Fight – usually with sass.

11. Describe the character’s sense of humor. Does he/she appreciate jokes? Puns? Gallows humor? Bathroom humor? Pranks?

Sarcasm is her humor of choice.

12. Does the character have any diagnosable mental disorders? If yes, how does he/she deal with them?

No, unless her drug dependency were to worsen. She does not currently present enough criteria for an official disorder diagnosis.

13. What moments in this character’s life have defined him/her as a person?

The ever-present distance in her relationship with her mother, meeting Harlan and first discovering Wonderland, Maiden Hatchell in his entirety, accidentally sending a classmate to hospital.

14. What does he/she fear?

Being alone, never seeing England again.

15. What are his/her hopes or aspirations?

Lord, making it through life alive seems to be her current one.

16. What is something he/she doesn’t want anyone to find out about him/her?

The true reason she is at Walt: having landed a classmate in hospital due to the drugs Alice sold to her. In truth Alice should be in prison rather than a school in California. The only person she’s told so far is Angel. Peter managed to find out on his own.

Relationships

1. Describe this character’s relationship with his/her parents.

Alice gets on with her father quite well, and has always been Daddy’s little girl. She and her mother have almost always had a distant relationship; Katherine tended to think of Alice as an accessory more than a child, which put a strain on their relationship very early on.

2. Does the character have any siblings? What is/was their relationship like?

Alice is an only child.

3. Are there other blood relatives to whom he/she is close? Are there ones he/she can’t stand?

Honestly, she isn’t very close to much of her family and has often considered herself the dark horse of her bloodline.

4. Are there other, unrelated people whom he/she considers part of his family? What are his/her relationships with them?

No.

5. Who is/was the character’s best friend? How did they meet?

Wow, okay, you can’t make me choose between Angel, Merida, Silvermist, and Hook. I refuse.

6. Does he/she have other close friends?

John Lawson, Wendy Darling

7. Does he/she make friends easily, or does he/she have trouble getting along with people?

Alice is fairly easy to get along with, though if she doesn’t like you, she isn’t afraid to let you know.

8. Which does he/she consider more important: family or friends?

Friends. Definitely friends, although her closest friends she considers like family.

9. Is the character single, married, divorced, widowed? Has he/she been married more than once?

Single.

10. Is he/she currently in a romantic relationship with someone other than a spouse?

No.

11. Who was his/her first crush? Who is his/her latest?

Believe it or not, when she first met him she had a crush on Harlan Albus, for whom she later started selling drugs. Her first love was – and still is – Maiden Hatchell. Her feelings on love are very complicated. She may currently have an interest in John Lawson.

12. What does he/she look for in a romantic partner?

Nothing in particular, although I think she needs someone who can save her from herself.

13. Does the character have children? Grandchildren? If yes, how does he/she relate to them? If no, does he/she want any?

No. Alice does not intend to ever have children. She knows she’s a bit of a fuck up, and she does not want to willingly bring a child into that life.

14. Does he/she have any rivals or enemies?

Not that I know of? Probably Tink a little bit.

15. What is the character’s sexual orientation? Where does he/she fall on the Kinsey scale?

Alice is mostly heterosexual. She considers herself straight, but certainly hasn’t written off sleeping with other women.

16. How does he/she feel about sex? How important is it to him/her?

Sex is sex. She finds it just another aspect of life’s adventure.

17. What are his/her turn-ons? Turn-offs? Weird bedroom habits?

Her collar bone area is fairly sensitive, and someone who is gentle with her is also a bit of a turn on. Turn offs are any sort of demeaning actions toward women. Feminism doesn’t stop in the bedroom.

Beliefs

1. Do you know your character’s astrological (zodiac of choice) sign? How well does he/she fit type?

Pisces; Alice fits this sign somewhat, particularly their desire to escape reality.

2. Is this character religious, spiritual, both, or neither? How important are these elements in his/her life?

Not at all.

3. Does this character have a personal code of morals or ethics? If so, how did that begin? What would it take to compromise it?

Alice’s personal moral code began from wanting to be the opposite of everything her mother wanted. She doesn’t always do what’s considered ‘right’ by the general populace, but she will stick to her own guns, especially if it were to protect someone she cared deeply about.

4. How does he/she regard beliefs that differ from his? Is he/she tolerant, intolerant, curious, indifferent?

Alice is more than tolerant of other people’s beliefs, unless they start trying to tell her how to live her own life.

5. What prejudices does he/she hold? Are they irrational or does he/she have a good reason for them?

Alice’s biggest prejudice, I think, would be against people like her mother.

Daily Life

1. What is the character’s financial situation? Is he/she rich, poor, comfortable, in debt?

Though she’s been all but exiled from England and her home, her parents do still help Alice with money. She also manages to get by with the money she makes selling for Peter (when she is actually selling for Peter.)

2. What is his/her social status? Has this changed over time, and if so, how has the change affected him/her?

Alice grew up upper middle class and would still be considered well off.

3. Where does he/she live? House, apartment, trailer? Is his/her home his/her castle or just a place to crash? What condition is it in? Does he/she share it with others?

She lives in her assigned dorm at Walt, which is kept fairly neat. Alice is quite organized. She splits her current room with Tolouse Beaumont, although she misses living with Silvermist something fierce.

4. Besides the basic necessities, what does he/she spend his/her money on?

Drugs, alcohol, drugs.

5. What does he/she do for a living? Is he/she good at it? Does he/she enjoy it, or would he/she rather be doing something else?

Alice is a student, at which she is awful, save for the few subjects she does enjoy. She also deals drugs, at which she is actually quite skilled, but she doesn’t imagine it becoming a career.

6. What are his/her interests or hobbies? How does he/she spend his/her free time?

Alice quite enjoys art, and she wishes she was better at drawing. Most of her free time, though, is devoted to exploring. And Wonderland.

7. What are his/her eating habits? Does he/she skip meals, eat out, drink alcohol, avoid certain foods?

Alice is obsessed with tea. How can she not be? She does drink alcohol, and she is allergic to chocolate. She eats about 4 small meals a day, unless she’s too high to remember.

Associations

Which of the following do you associate with the character, or which is his/her favorite:

1. Color? Blue 2. Smell? Tea 3. Time of day? Morning 4. Season? Spring 5. Book? Midsummer Night’s Dream 6. Music? Lady fronted Indie 7. Place? London 8. Substance? Hallucinogens 9. Plant? Daisy 10. Animal? Cat

#watask #alice: about

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runfromreality-archive · 8 years ago

Text

1820 [oneshot]

pairing: jongkey rating: pg15 genre: dystopian!au, angst warning: mentions of attempted suicide, blood, mentions of violence, experiments on humans... length: ~4970 words

Test subject number 1820. Kim Kibum, male, twenty-two years old. Human, no disabilities or chronic diseases, high level of intelligence. Came to the laboratory at age eighteen. Admitted by his own parents because he was caught committing indecencies with another male individual.

Jonghyun resists the urge to cringe at the word ’indecencies’, lifting his gaze from the small data screen in his hands to take a proper look at the man on the other side of the glass wall.

He’s unconscious - as it should be - the percentage of sleep-inducing drugs in his system only just beginning to cease and it gives Jonghyun enough time to prepare for the man’s awakening. But not before scanning the rest of his profile to get at least a rough picture of who he’s dealing with.

No recent attempts at resistance, no major health complications, occasional lack of responsiveness, he reads, the listing followed up with the information of: Test subject in the sleep department since May of the previous year, sector Nightmares and Sleep paralysis.

And there’s something else that catches Jonghyun’s eye. The small note that’s been subsequently scribbled into the corner of the screen. Transferred from the Sexual science department after no longer being of use. Jonghyun nods to himself. Certainly not the kind of history he would wish on anyone.

Setting the screen aside, he goes to bring in the dark clothes the test subject had exchanged for a flimsy paper gown some hours prior, placing them neatly on the table next to the bed before checking the man’s stats once more.

Only fifteen percent of the drugs left. It shouldn’t be much longer now. In fact, one of the higher ups has probably already initiated the last phase of the test, so Jonghyun is quick to retrieve the rest of the means required to make the process of waking up a bit easier.

When he steps through the glass doors a second time - with a tray of what’s going to be the man’s breakfast in his hands - Kibum is sitting with his back facing him, unmoving but very much awake.

“Good morning,” Jonghyun tries to appear in good spirits, despite the blank stare on the other’s face, only noticing now how striking the man looks. Almost intimidating, in fact, even with the thin shakles restraining both his arms and his legs and the dead expression in his dark eyes.

He’s tall, too, his feet nearly reaching the foot of the bed and even though he manages to keep up his professional front, Jonghyun can’t tear his gaze away.

“Eat up,” It doesn’t seem like the test subject has any interest in even just touching the food he’s been offered - he isn’t looking up still, giving off the impression of not being quite there, really, which is what ’occasional lack of responsiveness’ must have been referring to - but it’s been clearly indicated to him that Kibum hasn’t eaten in twelve hours and Jonghyun can’t have him fainting.

So he nudges the tray into the man’s direction with a bit more insistence, telling him “I won’t leave till you have finished at least half of this,” and it’s only then that Kibum actually begins to zone back into reality.

“Fuck off.” It’s a little weak, but there is no denying the underlying hint of aggression. A sharpness that, coupled with such disrespectful language, leaves Jonghyun momentarily stunned.

“I’m sorry, but those are my orders,” Jonghyun explains after getting over the brief state of surprise, adding “I’m not allowed to leave until you have eaten something.”

And he’s sure Kibum must already know the drill. There is not a doubt in his mind. He’s been here for long enough, after all, and it isn’t as if the other interns or nurses are given instructions any different from his. But he doesn’t seem ready to surrender, still, the look of disdain stubbornly lingering on his face.

And it’s then that Jonghyun realises what it is about the situation that confuses him so much. Because it never happened before. The test subjects are too terrified of the consequences, usually, or their will broken so far beyond repair, they don’t even think about resisting, in the more extreme cases. Kibum doesn’t show an ounce of fear, though. And his will certainly seems as far from broken as can be. Both of which baffles Jonghyun, because he’s absolutely certain he has never met anyone like Kibum in his year of working at the laboratory. Someone who even in the most inhumane sort of environment managed to stay very much human; from the looks of it, anyway.

Jonghyun leaves some half an hour later, having managed to pester Kibum enough for him to take at least a few bites from his bowl of rice, which is better than nothing, really. Because at least he won’t be getting into trouble for failing to complete his duty. And that’s all that counts anyway. *** When Jonghyun saw Kibum last time, the nightmares had already been fading. Too blurred and intangible to cause much of a reaction in the man. Today’s different. A whole lot different. Because the experiment of the night is only just starting and Kibum is trashing from one side to the other and suddenly, Jonghyun doesn’t wonder anymore, what the restraints binding Kibum to his bed are for.

And he can see it all right there. Dark figures and dead bodies, distorted and bathed in an eerie light, the scenes repeating over and over without a chance for the test subject to jump awake and cool down.

Kibum is trembling, the monitor displaying the man’s body stats running wild in a way that’s concerning, to say the least. And Jonghyun finds that even watching his nightmares is more bearable than witnessing any of the physical effects caused by the torture Kibum’s put through right now.

So he does exactly that, his gaze fixated on the large screen in front of him, because at least he knows the dreams aren’t real. Or not quite as real as the test subjects suffering is.

Jonghyun has always found it to be a strange feeling, to watch someone else’s dreams playing out in front of his eyes. Like a movie he knows he shouldn’t be watching. But even more so, like a violation of privacy. Because even with the added manipulation of gathering the most terrifying of scenarios and replaying them like a broken record, the images are a part of the test subjects memory either way. The clear picture of a woman that has Kibum’s lips, smiling joyfully first, before her expression twists into something dark and menacing. And a man with Kibum’s eyes and nose, the warm expression on his face replaced by a disgusted sneer so abruptly, it leaves Jonghyun’s head spinning.

And it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right at all, to be gaining access to a part of another human being’s mind that isn’t for him to view. As convinced as he is that this can’t be a just thing to do, he doesn’t dare voicing his doubts, though.

Kibum was sent here for a reason, after all, and even if he doesn’t agree, Jonghyun shouldn’t question any of it. The consequences that would come with doing so are too gruesome to imagine, really and he isn’t going to risk being put through that. *** It’s nearing eleven in the evening when Jonghyun finally finishes up work the Friday of the same week. He’s exhausted - unbearably so - and as grateful as he is about being allowed to work for one of the very few government funded science labs in the country, it’s days like these when he not so secretly wishes for a more simple part time job. One that actually offers him the luxury of clocking out at eight and having time to complete his homework for university before midnight rather than multiple hours into the next day. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have classes during the weekend because he’d be up for one hell of a night otherwise.

Getting off the underground at his usual station, he lets out what sounds suspiciously like a whine when he realises it started raining while he was carried through the tunnels below the surface. Holding his messenger bag above his head to shield himself from the heavy downpour, he breaks into a run, knowing that if he keeps up the pace, he can make it home in a matter of minutes. And hopefully avoid becoming too drenched in the process, too, because there’s nothing he hates more than having his wet clothes stick to his skin.

Just as he is rounding the corner of the road leading straight to his apartment complex, he spots a bundle lying some twenty feet ahead - dark and large enough to be blocking almost the entire walkway. He writes it off as being a bag of trash, first, because it wouldn’t be the first time someone got rid of their litter out on the streets. But he can’t shake off the sense of dread that’s further growing in the pit of his stomach with every step he takes.

And his instincts prove to be right, because when he is close enough for his eyes to make out a mob of dark hair, it slowly begins to sinks in that there is no way to pretend that the bundle is nothing more than a lone bag of trash any longer.

Jonghyun has always been the type to worry about the people around him. It’s not something he is looked at very nicely for - ’You really need to start minding your own business,’ is what his best friend Taemin always tells him - but he has simply never been able to ignore such obvious signs of need and this time is no different.

“Excuse me, are you okay?” He realises it’s a stupid thing to ask the moment he notices the puddle of blood emerging from underneath the weirdly contorted body, but he tries posing a few more questions still.

“What happened? Do you need help?” He squats down to observe the situation a bit more closely, the rain pelting down on him entirely forgotten by now. From the looks of it, the person is already in a state of improvement, so Jonghyun assumes the self-recovery system hasn’t been damaged by whatever happened.

It’s a blessing, really, Jonghyun thinks, how something as simple as a strip of metal implanted underneath their skin is able to ensure that hardly anything at all is able to lead to their deaths. Because this poor being, too, would have certainly been a goner if it wasn’t for the self-recovery system kicking in.

Moving without much thinking, Jonghyun pulls the unconscious figure onto his back, swaying a bit at first - because damn, he didn’t think the person would be quite this heavy - but eventually managing to steady himself enough to make it the last twenty feet to his building. He’s sure he must be getting blood all over himself and the person is freezing, cold rain dripping onto Jonghyun’s arms and the back of his neck, but Jonghyun isn’t ready to let any of that stop him. Pressing his thumb onto the fingerprint scanner, he waits for the entrance door to swing open before dragging both himself and the additional weight on his back into the hallway.

The light leaves his vision blurred with dark spots for a moment, the short wait for the elevator barely giving his eyes enough time to adjust to the change, so it’s only when the elevator doors close behind him and his gaze moves to the mirrored wall, that he realises how familiar the face of the person on his back looks.

“Shit,” His knees are threatening to give out underneath him at the discovery and he almost loses his grip on the younger man, eyes wide with shock.

He somehow makes it to his apartment anyway, but he can’t help thinking that Taemin is right. He really needs to start minding his own business. *** It takes two full days for Kibum to regain consciousness.

Jonghyun called in sick to work the morning after, reckoning that he needed to keep a watchful eye on the man to make sure Kibum wasn’t going to be all alone and disorientated once he woke up.

It proves to have been a good decision when Kibum all but jumps awake during the evening of the second day, his breathing so rapid, it sounds like he’s choking, and sweat drenching him all over.

Jonghyun is by his side in an instant, scrambling for something - anything - to say, but every word directed at the younger man seems to only distress him further, so after some time, Jonghyun retreats back into his room with his heart pounding in his chest and Kibum’s terrified expression etched into his mind.

He doesn’t know what happens inside the human body if it’s quite this damaged - has never heard of anyone who ended up in bad enough of a state for the self-recovery system to take days to restore it all - but for some reason, he can’t shake off the feeling that Kibum’s distress stems from a different source entirely. *** Jonghyun wakes up at two in the morning with the intention of using the restroom, only to find an absolutely exhausted looking Kibum sitting on the couch in the living room, the man’s eyes blank and unseeing, but very much awake.

“Do you need something?” Jonghyun asks, his voice quiet as to not startle the younger man. Kibum doesn’t even look at him, however - doesn’t seem to register his presence at all - so Jonghyun repeats his words once more, only to fail at drawing the younger man’s attention to him yet again.

“I’ve got sleeping pills if you want-” He tries to offer, because it ‘s been two full days since Kibum returned to the living and he hasn’t slept once and that just can’t be healthy.

And this time, Kibum’s reaction is immediate, sheer terror flashing across his face as he violently shakes his head.

“What is it about ’I don’t want to sleep’ that’s so difficult for you to understand?” He hisses, his fear heavily masked by sharp venom. It’s a rapid change, leaving Jonghyun wary despite knowing that Kibum is acting this way because he is terrified, more than anything. But although he has no idea what to do to help the younger man, he refuses to make a fast retreat like he did when Kibum had been in a state of panic some days prior. So he settles down on the couch with a good foot of distance between them, wrecking his brain for anything to say to make things easier.

“Why did you run away?” Jonghyun asks at last, thinking that maybe, some kind of distraction will help Kibum forget about his fear for a bit. But it seem to be the wrong question to pose, because Kibum’s stance only becomes more defensive and Jonghyun swears it’s like he can see the man’s walls rising right in front of him.

“I didn’t,” Kibum talks back.

Jonghyun never finds out what he means by that. *** “You really need to sleep.” With how badly Kibum reacted last time, Jonghyun hadn’t planned to say anything, at first. He had been keeping quiet even when Kibum broke one of his teacups earlier this morning, and again when he walked straight into the floor lamp in the living room because the turn into Jonghyun’s bedroom had been too sharp for his fogged senses.

But hitting his head on the side of the doorframe had been the last straw, really and Jonghyun isn’t going to sit by and watch any longer.

“I can’t,” Kibum replies, but his determination is weakened to the point of being almost non-existent, exhaustion seeming to have crawled all the way into Kibum’s bones by now.

“Here,” Handing the younger man a glass of water Jonghyun assures, “I’ll stay awake.”

“And wake you up if you have bad dreams,” He nods to himself, hoping that the smile on his face is mildly encouraging if nothing else.

“I don’t trust you,” Kibum tells him, suspicion heavy in his voice, but against all reason, he takes one of the pills from Jonghyun, still.

The younger man is fast asleep only half an hour later, his chest rising and falling in a steady pattern, and for a while, Jonghyun doesn’t do anything but watch. Not because there’s anything particularly fascinating about the way Kibum sleeps or because he isn’t tired himself, but because he has so many questions. He’s confused and uncertain and he still has no idea at all how Kibum managed to escape the laboratory (or why he chose to do so in the first place) or how he ended up so badly injured. And he’s hoping - naively so - that somehow, he’ll find his answers if he keeps observing Kibum for long enough.

*** Jonghyun finds himself still in the living room the next morning, his back hurting and his neck stiff from the sitting position he’s spent his entire night in. Shifting a bit to try and bring back some feeling into his legs, Jonghyun is taken aback for a moment when he becomes aware of the heavy weight pushing down on them.

“Ohh,” He breathes when his gaze falls onto the dark mob of hair resting in his lap, the memories of the previous day returning to him just like that. Kibum is still completely shut down, a peaceful kind of expression having replaced his distress and Jonghyun feels strangely accomplished at the sight.

He contemplates wiggling out from underneath the younger man for a moment, because as happy as he is about Kibum finally having the chance to sleep through the night undisturbed, his legs have turned painfully numb at this point. But the small movement draws an immediate groan from the younger man’s throat and Jonghyun thinks that maybe, he can hold out a bit longer. Just a few more minutes. *** Kibum needs to leave.

It’s been almost six days and his self-recovery system has long completed the process of closing his wounds and healing his broken bones, and it’s about time, really. At least that’s what Jonghyun has been telling himself. So many times that he’s surprised he hasn’t blurted out ’You should go back to the laboratory’ instead of ’Good morning’ yet. But even though they’re having breakfast in silence today and the chances to bring up the topic have long become too many to count, Jonghyun finds himself tongue-tied. He doesn’t doubt that Kibum must have a feeling already, that Jonghyun can’t let him stay. They aren’t going to search for Kibum. That, Jonghyun is sure of. Test subjects are easily replaceable, after all, so one of them going missing will hardly throw the entire laboratory into a state of chaos. But if he’s discovered by chance, consequences will be merciless (not to mention the punishment Jonghyun would receive for providing refuge to the younger man). And yet, despite knowing all of that, the words refuse to be spoken out loud.

“What are you even doing working in such a terrible place?” It’s Kibum who breaks the silence, eventually, absently stirring his coffee with his spoon as he directs the question at the older man. And Jonghyun is so stunned, he merely stares at him, at first.

“I’m going to be a doctor one day,” He tells him eventually, surprised when Kibum only rolls his eyes in response.

“Hopefully not like the doctors who stick needles into your skin until you pass out just because they want to find out if it’s ’stimulating’,” Kibum drawls, each words heavy with pure hatred. And Jonghyun doesn’t even know what to say to that. He kind of wishes he would have no idea what Kibum is talking about. Wishes he wasn’t aware of all the cruelties happening behind the laboratory’s thick steel doors.

But he does. Everyone does. That’s the whole point of it, after all. Because very few people speak poorly of a system - or worse, even, rebel against it - knowing it can seal their fate of spending the rest of their life in utter agony. If not as a test subject, then maybe as a slave to be sold to a country far away. For sick sex games or work in the kind of factories that torture you with poisonous fumes and the bare minimum of rest in the examinations stead.

“I read in your stats that you came from the Sexual science department…” Jonghyun knows that’s not what he meant to ask the younger man about. But he can’t deny that it’s something that has piqued his curiosity from the very start (even some of the most experienced doctors at the laboratory have appeared to come back seriously scarred from the scenes they had found at the Sexual science department, so Jonghyun can only imagine how traumatic it must have been to actually be forced into the role of the victim in those exact scenes).

“I was there for less than a month,” Kibum tells him, not seeming to mind the topic in the least.

“They got rid of me ‘cause I couldn’t get it up,” He states, his voice sounding nonchalant, almost, and Jonghyun is left spluttering at the crude choice of words. It’s funny how he’s been in the man’s company for not even a whole week but has already heard a more colorful array of expression than ever before in his life. And it’s a miracle Kibum hasn’t yet been getting into trouble for speaking this way, either.

Then again, Jonghyun can’t deny that being a test subject in a government’s laboratory - treated like hell and put through all kinds of unspeakable torture - already comes fairly close to the worst kind of faith he could imagine for a human being. Hardly anything qualifies as worse ’trouble’ than that, really, so he guesses Kibum no longer has anything to lose.

“I’m broken, apparently,” The younger man continues, the words successfully breaking Jonghyun’s train of thought.

“Cause I like men, but I don’t particularly care about sex and that’s not how people are, is it?” Kibum is right, they aren’t. Or at least, they would never admit to anything other than being attracted to the opposite gender and caring very much about sex to the point where neither consent nor giving anyone the freedom of choice in the first place play much of a role.

In the end, Jonghyun doesn’t tell him any of that, though. It’s not like he is what could be considered the textbook version of a normally functioning human being, either, after all. Not by a great stretch. He had just done a pretty good job at keeping his occasional crushes on men a secret, so he doesn’t think his opinion is going to be of much help to Kibum.

And he doesn’t tell him that he needs to take him back, either. Because it hasn’t been long, but Jonghyun has come to like the company and Kibum is pleasant to be around - doesn’t filter his words or put on an act like so many other people Jonghyun has been surrounding himself with - and he doesn’t want to give that up.

It’s selfish, really, but he hates the thought of Kibum becoming just another test subject again. And he hates the thought of witnessing Kibum in pain again even more. *** “You’re just like everyone else, you know?” Kibum remarks as they sit next to each other later that day, the TV playing some speech of their countries great leader in the background.

“What’s that mean?” Jonghyun turns to look at him, confusion written all over his face.

“Brainwashed,” Kibum replies simply, and although Jonghyun still doesn’t get it, Kibum doesn’t seem to plan on elaborating. If there is one thing Jonghyun has learned about Kibum in the few days of living with him, however, it’s that he rarely ever leaves it at such a random comment. And he is right, because although it takes some time, Kibum eventually follows up with the very agitated question of “You don’t seriously believe that forcing me to spend all of my nights stuck in terrifying nightmares benefits anyone, do you?” Jonghyun blinks, taken aback, but before he even has the time to answer, Kibum is already talking again.

“If it wasn’t for this stupid self-recovery system, I’d be dead already and I’d seriously prefer it that way,” He glares at nothing in particular.

“But it keeps us alive,” Jonghyun argues, stunned that Kibum would criticise the number one revolutionary invention of their kind. Centuries ago, people died of depression, of heart attacks, of cancer and other terminal illnesses. They lived their lives as frail beings, at danger of their body or in giving up in them at any moment. An existence that Jonghyun is so, so grateful he has never had to experience. And yet Kibum talks as if it is nothing more than a nuisance, or a curse even, to be invincible. Or very close to invincible, anyway. Because there is ways around it - ways to damage the system beyond repair - but that requires a gun, or lots of determination and neither is all that easy to obtain.

“Yeah, maybe that’s great for someone like you, with a bright, beautiful future ahead of him,” Kibum retorts, his words full of sarcasm.

“But I don’t need that.”

“I don’t need to live my whole life being tortured with no way to escape,” Kibum gesticulates wildly, becoming more worked up and upset by the second as he adds, “But that’s exactly what’s going to happen, because I just can’t die and I hate it.”

“This country’s whole system is a bunch of bullshit,” Jonghyun struggles to stop himself from following his initial instinct to jump up and cover Kibum’s mouth because what if someone hears?

“You can’t say that,” Jonghyun tells him, eyes wide. He knows it’s bullshit. Unfair and inhumane and terrible. God, it’s a thought that’s been with him for years. Since he witnessed one of his elementary school teachers being dragged out of the classroom in the middle of his lesson and shot right outside in the hallway, to be exact. He had been all but glued to his seat back then, trying his best to imagine that what he heard wasn’t actually what he knew it was. But it took a mere minute for another teacher to take his place in front of the class (they had already been prepared, he realised years later, after learning that his teacher’s crime was stealing a few bags of rice from a store because his pay didn’t suffice to feed his family and one of his colleagues had tattled to the headmaster) and by the time break came along, there wasn’t a trace of blood - not even a trace of the teachers existence, really - left on the school’s grounds. All of which had made it so incredibly easy to pretend, at least, that nothing happened.

So he isn’t going to be the one to deny Kibum’s words. Especially not when Kibum’s probably one of the greatest victims of that exact system. But he certainly isn’t going to agree with them, either. He has always been way too much of a coward to do so. Because who knows who’s going to hear and carry the news to the nearest police station and who knows where it could land him. On the hard bed right next to Kibum’s in the Nightmares and Sleep paralysis sector, maybe. Or being tied up and marred with knifes by some Chinese nobility because that’s what gets them off. So when it comes down to it, it’s safer to stay silent. Much safer. *** “Kibum,” Jonghyun mumbles, sinking back into the cushions of his couch, his heart heavy with the kind of emotions he can’t even begin to put a name to.

It’s dark outside by now and Kibum has switched off the TV a long time ago because ‘It makes me fuckin’ sick to watch that man’s face’ is what his exact words were. “I still have to take you back.” Jonghyun tells him, and Kibum tenses up beside him but his expression stays blank and his voice comes out just as unaffected.

“Yeah, I know.” *** It’s only three days later that he sees Kibum again - in much the same setting as the last time, with the man lying unconsciously on one of the laboratory beds and him behind the glass windows, preparing everything for the test subjects awakening and meticulously checking the stats to make sure nothing goes wrong.

The data screen is lying in front of him, untouched, because today’s test won’t be over until six and it’s merely nearing half past five right now. When he finally does pick it up - after retrieving Kibum’s clothes and getting his dinner from the kitchen down the hallway - he almost wishes he hadn’t, though.

The stats are still the same - name, age, history - but at the far bottom of the page, another scribbled note has been added. Attempts of suicide: 5. Permanent damage to the system: none. Kept under twenty-four hour surveillance starting September 9th.

“Jonghyun-hyung, are you okay?” He faintly hears the call of his co-worker Minho behind him as he rushes from the room, his stomach churning as the word ‘suicide’ repeats in his head over and over.

He really needs some fresh air.

#this was supposed to be an entry for the jongkeysquadfic thingy but ugh #it's not even good #and i probably have to add another 5k words for it to actually make sense #fanfic #jongkey #shinee #myfic #jonghyun #key

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