#you know your life is bad when you wanna cry over some Oreo cookies

[error-silence]

I got new milk now but this still affected me on an innerpersonal way

All I wanted was a cup of milk for my cookies

It’s been a long day

I’m tired

My day is ruined

[justreadingfics]

It’s a Deal (Chapter 11)

Chapter Summary: Bucky is ready for commitment.  

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words: 4.6k

Warnings: fluff. Bucky is so smitten.

A/N: It’s been 84 years, but I hope you have fun! Thank you, @lesqui, for reading it over and helping me out with English and everything. The link to my masterlist, where you can find the other chapters, is on my description. Feedback is highly appreciated.

Tag list for this story is closed.  

  Placing your hands on each side of your hips, you smirk at the popped-up screen in your office. Another project you just nailed. Ever since the promotion, your productivity has increased tenfold and you feel as motivated as ever, your creativity on a top level. Also, the last few weeks, after you decided you needed some time alone, you did set more focus on yourself and your own projects. Work being one of them.

It’s weird to say the least… you’ve been busier than ever and yet, it seems like you actually have much more time to yourself now. You’ve been reading books you’ve bought but never really got to read them, eating ice-cream at 3am as you watch The Return of the King for the millionth time, your drawers are finally organized and so is your precious DVD collection. You got to explore a great number of parks and spots you’ve never been before, even living in New York for so long. You’ve been going out a lot and catching up with friends and family. 

It was a good decision. You remember in your relationship with Eddie there were always obstacles for you to hang out with people outside the small inner circle of you as a couple. Sometimes the obstacles were subtle, and not always brought solely by Eddie, but also by you who let yourself get involved in that dynamic. You had no idea how much you missed people that were yours only, and not yours and Eddie’s.

It’s been great to be single. Really, really single for the first time in your adult life. No boyfriends or fiancées, no booty-calls or deals. Completely single… A title and state of mind you didn’t really get to enjoy in the first months of being broken up, being too heartbroken to even think of everything you could do with your life then.

Deciding to be alone for a while…It was a great and reasonable decision.

You have to admit something to yourself, though.

Sometimes you just wanna throw “great” and “reasonable” out of the window. Because you do miss him… A lot.

Finding out how he’s changed his mind and predisposition towards your relationship has messed quite a bit with your mind… and heart. You weren’t expecting that at all and now you don’t really know what to do with the chaos that’s bringing upon your feelings. And what’s making it even messier is the other guy who also changed his mind and predisposition towards your relationship… you weren’t expecting that either… however, that particular change of heart hasn’t been making your own heart jump each time you think of it…

Squeaky little yells and an animated chattering sound of female voices catch your attention to outside your office. Your previous smirk turns into a smile while you shake your head to yourself. That type of commotion only ensues when a certain someone drops by the Tech Department.  

With a wave of your hand, you shut down the screen you’ve been working on, before moving towards the sound. What you come to find a few stops outside your office, at the Department’s common area, is a little circle of your female coworkers around a Super Soldier. He’s always a hit among your coworkers, but today it seems like they’re even in a bigger frenzy, fussing around something that he seems to be holding in his arms. You attempt to catch an eye of it, but the bodies in front of you make it quite hard.

He spots you as you approach them and opens a huge grin at your sight.

You smile back at him just as widely and after you come closer and some of the girls make room, your eyes widen and a small little gasp slips out of you when you finally find out what the fuss is all about. They are all cooing and marveling at a beautiful cat on Bucky’s arms, white as snow on a mountain peak, standing there like royalty, staring back like they’re nothing but proud of being where they are.

“Hey,” Bucky greets, prompting your eyes to focus back on him.

“Hi, there,” you answer back while your gaze carries an amused question mark at him.

He lifts a hard drive with his free hand to your vision field, “We collected this last mission, it’s some alien stuff,” he offers you the drive, keeping his eyes on yours.

As you gaze at each other, you reach for the little device. His fingers brush against yours and that’s precisely when the chattering around both of you becomes nothing but a distant and vague noise that barely reaches your senses… until a loud clear of throat sound stands out.

“Alright, girls, let’s get back to our desks and let these two, ahm… work,” Camilla, your closest friend there, gives you a pointed look and a discrete curve curls the corner of her lips as she leads the group - which looks far from happy about it - away.  

When your gaze meets Bucky again, he’s got that shit-eating grin of his that tells you the little interaction between you and your friend didn’t quite skip from his attention.

You bite your lip and are about to say something when he beats you to it, “Sorry, I had to bring her with me.” He looks down at the cat on his arm and gives it a gentle shake, grinning down at her while she looks up at him before her incredibly blue eyes shut in what looks like sheer contentment, “This little girl right here started whining at the door when I was leaving… she just can’t leave my side anymore.” Bucky shrugs and ticks his tongue, before winking at you.

You chuckle, finding the surprising scene before you nothing less than adorable. The fact that you enjoy being in the presence of his charm again doesn’t go unnoticed by you, but you say nothing about it, “It’s ok, of course. I love cats. What’s her name?”

“Y/N, this is Alpine. Alpine this is Y/N,” he introduces you two with pride lacing his voice.

“Oh, hello, Alp-” your attempt of petting the cat comes to an abrupt halt with you withdrawing your hand at the loud hiss the animal aims at you.

Your eyes snap at Bucky to see his jaw dropping and his eyes widening with a mix of shock and fluster, “Fucking Christ,” he gasps, before looking down at the cat who now licks its paws absentmindedly, “What the hell, missy? Apologize. Apologize now,” he scolds, gaining absolutely no reaction in response.

He scoffs, looking back at you with incredulous lifted eyebrows.

You laugh, mainly at his attempt of making Alpine apologize, “Don’t worry…” You wave him off, “How did that happen, though? I don’t remember you having a cat.” You narrow your eyes just when your head tilts.

He bites his lower lip before an almost cringing smile forms on his lips, “Oh well…”

 A FEW WEEKS BEFORE…

 “Weren’t the Skrulls, like, actually good guys?” Bucky frowns, shoving one of his post-missions Oreos in his mouth and crossing his ankles over the spaceship’s dash.

“Every bunch has its bad apple, I guess,” from the pilot’s seat Natasha shrugs, eyeing the apple in question from over her shoulder.

“You’ll regret this,” threatens the prisoner, who’s actually a Skrull slaver named Gragnon and has his hands and feet securely tied up, stuck on a sit at the back of the ship. Still, he tries to get up and advance towards the front, but a shield of red mist surges in front of him, making him fall back on the chair again with a growl.

Wanda, the third member of the party on that mission, smirks from her seat right behind Nat’s.

Nat rolls her eyes, “What a douche… Talos has been leading a search for him for years now, he’d be thankful we’re taking him to them. Feet off the dash, please.” 

Bucky quickly obeys, pulling down his legs to the floor as Wanda snickers.  

“In fact… we should thank the success of this mission to a certain someone, who came up with a device to break alien codes.” The cheeky smile on Wanda’s face as she started speaking only fades so she can shoot a glare back at the prisoner, who’s now revolved by a red mist dome.

“Damn right.” A dreamy little curl pulls Bucky’s lips as he swings on his seat and passes the bag of Oreos to Wanda.

“Jesus,” Nat scoffs, setting the ship on autopilot, before swirling her chair to see both Bucky and Wanda, “Could you ever imagine this could be possible? That this guy would someday be that smitten over someone?” she questions Wanda.

“Not in a million years. I don’t know Y/N that well, but I bow to her.” Wanda mimics the gesture before shoving a cookie in her mouth.

Bucky doesn’t even drop the dreaminess of his smile. He is smitten… completely… utterly… and fuck if that doesn’t feel damn good. He always thought that kind of feeling would be a pain in the ass, boring and painful. It is not. He feels like singing, dancing, hugging every human being and alien he comes across. Fuck, he would hug the Gragnon dude if it didn’t mean to get a kick in the ass from Natasha. It’s been ages that he doesn’t really get high on anything, but that feeling… he’s definitely hooked on it.  There’s not a doubt inside him anymore and he’s in love with being in love with you.

“So, spill it,” Nat crosses her legs, swinging on her chair “You really went to her place and poured your heart out to her? Right after her ex proposed to her?” She questions, “What did she say?”

“Well, first she thought I was kidding and laughed her ass off…” He shakes his head with the same dreamy little smile on his lips, “Then, when she realized I was not, she started crying and, of course, so did I.” He shrugs, ignoring when Nat and Wanda exchange looks, “She wasn’t expecting that from me at all, and, we can’t really blame her can we?” 

“Definitely not.”

“Nope.”

Bucky chuckles at the unison response from her friends before leaning over and snatching the bag of cookies from Wanda, before giving them the details of his talk with you, having their undivided attention.  “And she said she needs some time alone, being single, I mean, to sort her feelings out… Also, it seems like she doesn’t think I can’t deal with the kind of commitment that being in love requires,” he says with a mouthful.

“Oh, honey…” Nat tilts her head.

He notices the sympathy on hers and Wanda’s expressions and waves his hand to brush her worries off, “No, no. None of that. All in all, it went pretty well. As much as I wished it would be different, I think her decision is fair. At least she didn’t say yes to the jackass with the ring,” he huffs, “I wasn’t really expecting her to throw herself in my arms. At least, not just yet.” He smirks.

“What?” Natasha shoots a look at Wanda before turning to him, “You’re not stepping aside?”

Bucky snorts at the question, “Are you kidding me? The first broad I ever fall in love with and you think I’ll leave the path free for that short little clown who thinks ten years matter?” He lets out an exaggeratedly loud laugh, “I’ve lived more than one hundred of them. Ten years mean nothing to me, and soon enough she’ll realize it doesn’t have to mean much to her, either.” A small smile rises on his face, “Of course she can have the time for herself she wants, find out what’s like being single. She deserves that. And she can think and figure out all she needs… have her fun... It’s all good…” He nods, “But in the meanwhile? I’ll be around romancing the shit out of that woman,” he states, right before tossing another cookie in his mouth.

“Holy shit,” Wanda addresses Natasha, with both eyebrows high on her forehead.

“I know…” Nat answers with an equally dumbfounded look on her face, before turning to Bucky, “Listen,” she sighs and tilts her head, “I hate to be such a killjoy here, but… I get you’re in love, and I know this is new and exciting for you.” She’s smiling before her lips tighten, “Having said that… I think she might have a point about you not being ready for commitment Bucky, you never wanted that. I’m gonna be honest here, I’m the one who set what you two had up because I thought it wouldn’t lead to this…” She waves all around him, “Feelings, I mean… and I would hate myself if you two ended up hurt because of it.” She focuses an apprehensive gaze on him while Wanda also rests her attention on him, looking like she agrees with her friend.

Bucky takes a good look between the two of them before putting into words the answer that’s so clear on his head now, “I know it may sound weird and uncharacteristic of me. Trust me, I know that.” He nods at Natasha, taking a moment to silently communicate with her in the way that has been always so easy for the two of them, “You’re right, I’ve never wanted that. Settling down to just one person, commit to a long term relationship…But with her,” he sighs and the corner of his lips curl up without further notice, “I want her and I want all of that with her, the whole package. I’m ready. I’m not afraid. I think the reason I didn’t want all of that before is because I hadn’t met her yet. That’s it. Simple as that. I know it’s not going to be easy, but to hell with easy. I want her. And I want her hard.”

Wanda already has a huge grin on her face when a satisfied little smirk twists Nat’s lips, “That’s what Amanda said.”

Bucky’s eyes widen before he squints at her, “What’ve you been up to?”

Nat puts on a nonchalant face and reaches forward to grab a cookie from the package. She takes a bite and shrugs, “Poor girl… needed some comfort after being let down by your buddy down there.”

Bucky lets out an outraged scoff and throws a cookie on her way, from which she dodges easily as she laughs, “I bet you were of great help in consoling her… Jesus… Amanda and you? The world isn’t ready.” He shakes his head.

Natasha sports a smug smile on her face when she nods her agreement, “You’re not wrong.”

“Alright, as much as I want to hear all about this Amanda girl, we’re getting close to the Skrull base now and we need you to land us, Nat,” Wanda nods towards the dash.

“Copy that,” Natasha makes a military salute at her, before shifting her seat and taking control of the ship again.

“And as for you,” Wanda turns to Bucky, “I don’t need to read what’s on your mind to know you’re telling us the truth. You’re ready for commitment,” she offers him a soft smile, which he reciprocates, “And if you really wanna show her that, I may have an idea.” Her smile turns into a devious little smirk and that’s enough to pique Bucky’s interest.

~~~

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Bucky asks, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walks alongside Wanda through the busy sidewalks of Manhattan, “I mean… I know I said yes, but it is one hell of a commitment, what if it’s not for me?”

“Don’t worry, Bucky,” she smiles, “We’re just gonna take a look around, feel the vibe, and then see what happens. You don’t have to decide anything just yet,” she assures, wrapping an arm around his elbow as he looks down at her, “I just think it’s a good idea for you to get to know a bit more of this sudden inclination to commit…to experiment, I guess,” Wanda shrugs, “Besides, a dear friend of mine runs the shelter and the girl knows her stuff. If she feels like you’re not ready, she won’t allow you to get out of there with one of her babies.”

Bucky lets out a laugh. Feeling a little lighter about the subject, he places his hand over the one Wanda has wrapped around his arm, “Alright… I’m not opposed to the idea of having a dog, I guess. I always loved Labradors…” he frowns, “I would have to switch apartments, though…”

“Look at you.” Wanda nudges her shoulder on him, “Already making plans for your child…”

“Child…” Bucky can’t help but snort. He had agreed to Wanda’s idea of going to an animal shelter because he thought it would be a good way to show you he’s ready for commitment and, like he said, he’s always been fond of dogs and he’s sure if he ends up taking one home he’ll treat them well. But he also never understood how some people could be so attached to an animal to the point of considering them a child, or family…“I don’t know… I’m definitely not taking a pet home today. I agree with you, I shouldn’t decide anything just yet.”

As they walk past a small alleyway, Wanda halts, forcing him to stop with her.

“What?” Bucky frowns down at her.

“Shhh,” she brings a finger to her lips, staring towards the alleyway, “Listen.”

That’s when Bucky’s enhanced hearing catches the thin and shaky little sound coming through the trash cans.

“Come on,” Wanda pulls him to the alley and towards the cans.

What they find behind one of the containers, among all the filth around is a ball of white fur. Curled up and shaking just like the meows they heard seconds ago. A cat, a young adult white cat looks up and a pair of baby blue eyes meets Bucky’s and he just can’t look away from the plea on them and it’s just when something clicks inside his chest.

“Oh, no, look,” Wanda points at the tail, that has an evident injury on it, but when she leans down to examine it further, the animal flinches and rushes towards Bucky’s legs, letting out another trembling and weak meow. Bucky freezes as it starts climbing up his calves. 

Given the poor coordination on their back little legs – probably from the damage on the tail- it can go much higher,  but keeps trying. After the initial surprise, Bucky can’t help but to smile at the little fighter, who seems to reach out at him for protection. Next thing he knows, he’s leaning down and picks it up with all the caution he can muster.

“Hello, little lady… what happened there, huh?” He coos, nodding towards the small injury, which looks like a bite, having the cat meowing while bumping and rubbing the head against his chest.

“Is it a female?” Wanda tilts her head, an amused and questioning expression on her face.

Bucky smirks, not taking his eyes away from the animal, who is now quiet and seems much calmer, but digging her little claws on Bucky’s shirt, “I know a beautiful lady when I see one. Don’t I, gorgeous?”

A purring sound comes out of the now contented animal, the small injury on her tail apparently not being a problem anymore while she climbs higher and practically hugs Bucky with her little paws, whose fur is smudged by dirt, making his heart take a flip in his chest. Damn his heart nowadays…

“Aww, Bucky…” Wanda smiles, placing her hand over her heart, “What are we going to do? Should we take her to the shelter?” Wanda offers, with a bit of tentativeness on her voice.

Bucky’s eyes widen largely, before they snap to her friend. A protective tightness laces his hold on Alpine, who lets out another weak meow. Shit… Alpine? When the hell did he even come up with a name? Fuck if he knows, all he knows he’s done for and can’t possibly think of parting from that white furry little thing, who seems to have gone through a lot in her life already and probably has never met with human kindness before.

He doesn’t need to say anything as understanding falls upon Wanda’s face. He would even guess there’s a bit of pride adorning the smile on her lips now, “Alright, alright… we do need to take Alpine to the vet, though, Mr. I’m not gonna take a pet home today.” She winks.

~~~

PRESENT DAY…

“Oh well…” Bucky scratches the back of his neck while you keep your beautiful interested eyes on him, “I found this beauty on the street… she had an injured tail, poor thing… probably bitten by a dog. But she’s fine now, aren’t you, sweetie?” He coos, putting on the new tone of voice that belongs to Alpine now and loving the sound of your chuckle, “You know… I’m fully committed to taking care of her. I’m a cat dad now.” He says, putting some effort to highlight the word “committed”.

“I can see that…” you comment, nodding with a glimmer of fondness in your gaze at where Alpine is cuddled against him with eyes closed, completely relaxed.

Bucky looks down and smiles. That one is too cute for her own good, but he’s definitely having a talk with her later, for hissing at you like that, like he hadn’t given her a lecture about good behavior and how incredible you were before they left home.  

“So, it’s been a while, huh? How’re you doing?” He asks softly, boring his eyes on you and holding back every ounce of him to not pull you to his arms and shower you with all the intense love he’s gathering in his chest at your sight in front of him. If it was up to him, he wouldn’t have spent those long weeks apart from you, but he met with missions and an Alpine in the way. Also, as much as he’s resolved to show you he’s the one for you, he understands you needed time for yourself. But, hell, he missed you so much.

“Oh, I’m good, I’m good… pretty good,” you ramble, brushing a finger behind your ear, that thing you do when you become a bit self-conscious, which happens often when he places his gaze so intently on you.

He can’t help but smile, his chest impossibly swelled with his feelings for you, because that woman who becomes all flustered with his attention is the same woman who whined to suck his dick while shitfaced after a party. Damn, he’s so in love with you.

“That’s great...Are you free tonight?” He asks, smoothly, “Wanda and Sam will make hamburgers, they’re one hell of a team in the kitchen, you’ll be welcome to come if you want to.”

“Oh… I…” You falter.

“I’m not trying anything, I promise,” He’s quick to add with a chuckle and raises his free hand up, noticing the trepidation in your voice. “Everyone’s gonna be there. We’re just gonna eat and hangout.” He shrugs.

“Oh… no, it’s not that, it’s just…” You tighten your lips “I’ve got plans.” Something Bucky guesses to be disappointment or something like that sweeps into your voice. As for him, he holds his breath, bracing himself for the news that you’re going out with that douche of an ex, “I’m gonna meet some friends from college tonight. I got a reservation for us for dinner and then we’re gonna go dance…”

Bucky lets out a breath and the smile that grows in his face is wide when he says, “Oh, alright. That sounds like fun.” Really, really fun, especially if that jackass isn’t involved. He’s not disappointed. Far from it.  

You smile back at him, matching his mood. It doesn’t slip from his attention that you seem a bit surprised by his reaction at you declining an invitation from him in favor to hang out with your friends, but he says nothing of it.

“Yeah… I’ve been getting reacquainted with them lately,” you say, excitement plastered on the little curve of your lips and the glint in your eyes, “It’s been fun. I’d love to get to know Wanda and Sam’s talent in the kitchen, though….Maybe some other time?” You offer.

“Sounds perfect, sweetheart.”

The term of endearment brings the effect he was aiming for when you promptly does that thing with your finger on your ear again, but it was also noticed by the other girl in the room and currently in his arm, who seems to wake up from her comfort slumber against his chest to hiss at you again.

You look at each other in widened eyes.

“What the hell,” Bucky scolds down at the cat, glancing at you briefly, catching your now amused expression, before addressing Alpine again in a whispery voice, “We’re gonna have a talk back home, young lady.”

~~~

“What a number you put out there, huh?” His voice is gentle despite the reprimanding intention in his words while Bucky crouches and fills her little plate with the special food the vet recommended.

With her crystal-clear eyes glued on the plate, Alpine doesn’t really acknowledge his half attempt of admonishing her before digging in.

Bucky chuckles, “She’s cute, isn’t she? But so are you,” He scratches the back of her ear and she stops eating for a moment to brush her head against his hand, “You don’t have to be jealous, doll. You’re so cute, you’re my girl, too, you know?” he coos, still petting her, “But you gotta help me out there buddy. Ok? She’s really special and I know you’ll love her, too.”

Alpine lets out a weak meow before getting back to her plate and Bucky swears to God he sometimes wonders if the cat is some sort of shapeshifter in disguise, understanding every little thing he says.  

Letting her out to eat, he stands up, “Hey, Friday,” he calls.

“Yes, Bucky?”

“Could you search for a table reservation in the name of Y/N Y/L/N tonight? I need the address of the place.”

A small silence ensues before the A.I speaks again, “Isn’t it a bit creepy?”

He sighs, placing his hands on his hips, “Friday… babe…” He smiles at the giggles that resound in his kitchen, before bringing a hand to his heart, “I’m in love, ok? I’m not gonna ruin her night…If anything, I’m just going to make her night out with her friends more… interesting.”

“Alright, you know I can’t say no to you,” the A.I concedes, “You can find the address in your phone’s map. Good luck, handsome.”

“Thanks, babe,” Bucky grins, before turning to Alpine, who’s now about done with her food, sprawled on the floor busy with cleaning out her paws, “And you?” He calls, catching her attention before he points at her, “You’ll have burgers with your aunt Wanda. I have plans for tonight.”  

~~~

To be continued...

[pinkykitten]

Brother’sHelp

13 Reasons Why

Jeff Atkins x Jensen! female reader

Warning: cursing

Specifics: fluff, comedy, jensen reader, drabble/blurb

People: jeff atkins, clay jensen, jessica davis, alex standall

Words: 886

Requested: By anon Hi oreo!! I just saw your requests for 13 reasons being open and wondered if I could request one. The reader is Clay's (or Justin's) little sister and he helps Jeff Atkins to ask her out. I know Jeff died but I love him so much! Thank you :)

Authors Note: oh lord! i love jeff / brandon so much like yall have no idea. my bby died so bad and so soon like bby noooooo!!!! this was so precious and light hearted like this show is very dark and i made it rainbows. god jeff is so cute like whyyyyyy im legit crying rn cuz im also listening to lovely from billie and khalid. WHY???????

You and Clay helped pick up the dirty dishes and wash them after dinner. Clay dried them while you rinsed them. 

“So,” Clay, your older very protective brother, leaned against the counter. “You are going to the dance right?”

Your e/c eyes went from Clay’s to the suds that rested on your skin. Smiling you handed him a huge plate. “Yeah. Why you ask?”

“No I was just wondering.”

“Uh oh Clay wondering? Thats never a good sign.”

“Shut up,” Clay playfully bumped into you. “You know, there are a lot of people going and there will be a lot of, um, guys so like I wanted to know...”

“Are you asking who I’m gonna go to the dance with?” You finished with the dishes, wiping your hands on the towel and placing them on your hip. “Cause if you are. I’m going with Jeff.”

“Jeff? As in Jeff Atkins? As in my best friend?”

“Unless there is another Jeff then yep thats the one.”

“But he’s like really buff,” Clay said. 

“Clay...what the h*ll does that have to do with anything?”

Clay was trying to find ways for you not to want to go out with Jeff. Jeff was a kind soul but he sometimes was wild and Clay didn’t want his little sister getting hurt or have any issues. He wanted you to stay little forever. Now you were growing into a woman and it scared him. “Why don’t you go with your friends?”

“Like every year? I don’t think so. I see the way Jeff looks at me and I think he likes me and I like him. I like that he’s nice and kind and he sweet to my brother. When he talks to me he makes me feel smart and he respects me. We talk but I’m too scared to ask him to go and to go on a date. So it probably won’t even work.” You sat gloomly at the table, resting your head in your hands.

Clay saw how down you were and felt bad. Jeff was good and he needed to let you fly in order for you to grow into an adult. All that Clay wanted was for you to be happy, besides he was going with someone, you deserved it as well and he was going to try everything possible to make it happen. 

It was lunchtime in Liberty High. Clay was nervous. You were his baby sister. He protected you all his life and made sure nothing ever happened to you. He saw Jeff sitting with his group of friends and thought about ratting out. But then he remembered your face and he became determined. Walking right up to Jeff he sat his lunch tray beside him. “Can I talk to you for a sec?...Alone.”

Jeff signaled to the guys to leave and pointed to the spot next to him. “Proceed. If this is about that girl you like, listen you just need to be courageous-”

“No its not. Its about something else,” Clay was blunt. Right to the point. “I have a favor to ask you and I’m not forcing you.”

Jeff smirked as he was a little weirded out by Clay. “Okay.”

You walked into the lunch room and saw your brother talking to Jeff. “What the f*ck?” You said aloud. Trying to be stealthy you ran behind the garbage can but what you didn’t notice was Jeff saw you. 

“What are you doing y/n?” Jessica asked as she ate her lunch. 

“Oh this is where I eat now. You didn’t know?”

“Behind the garbage?” Alex questioned, raising his brow. 

“Yep! Its nice and cozy and-”

“Smelly,” Alex stated. 

You rolled your eyes and waited for Jeff to leave or for something!

“Look y/n has, well I don’t really know how to say this, but y/n really likes you. Like a lot.”

Jeff smiled big and bright hearing this because in all honesty he felt the same way. “Oh really? Does she now?”

“Yes, very much and she was wondering if you would go to the dance with her?”

“Why didn’t y/n ask me herself?”

“My sister is very, very, very shy and she’s had this crush on you since like forever so she’s kept this hidden for a long time.”

Jeff laughed completely fell for you, “I was going to ask y/n myself if she wanted to go.”

“Really?” Clay was surprised that he thought of you. “Well alright that settles it. Are you gonna go with her?”

“Wait right here,” Jeff ran to the garbage can you were at and peered over. “Hi y/n.” He was smirking. 

You looked up and almost dropped your food. “H-hi there Jeff! You loo-look great!” You were screaming everything. You didn’t know what your brother told him. “I’m going to go n-now!”

“Wait!” Jeff grabbed a hold of your waist and kissed you on the lips. You almost turned into goo right there. He had that affect on you. “Will you go to the dance with me?”

Your lips were parted as you blushed. Still wanting more. “Yes, I would love to. I was gonna ask you that.” You put two and two together and realized your brother helped with all of this. “Clay!”

“That’s called brotherly love sis. Brotherly love.” He ruffled your hair. 

Tag list: @harrington-lover​, @angelgl16​, @perfectlybeautifulsuit​, @hyehoney​, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly​​, @totally-alexa21​, @creamy-pasta-boi​, @multireese​, @fanfictionrecommendations-com​, @prentisskelley​, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97​, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople​, @collectiveyou​, @wtfisalltherandoms​, @dirbel​, @eastcoasthaven​, @fangirl-4-life415 (wont let me tag), @melonreblogsstories​​, @reginalinettis​​

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

[pinkchannies]

cheesier than cheesecake

i got inspired to write this on my 5 hours flight to hong kong bcz i ate cake on my way to the airport and miraculously wrote this on my flight in one go

also heading to hong kong eh wink wink nudge nudge @ agust d //slapped

well here's a jin oneshot because kim seokjin is my number one man and bias in bts and we need some shoulder man love in our lives amirite

laksndowxjoe i couldn't post this earlier bECAUSE WIFI AND MY COM WASN'T COOPERATING :(( sob well ok here i am posting it now LMAO bless wifi pls live

genre:  fluff , is this considered comedy, crack has slipped into this fic again

requested:  no 

pairing:  seokjin x reader

author notes: reader is a baking/walking disaster bcz mood, jin screaming and being a mama hen, idk how i wrote this in just one flight, chiru probably needs creative writing classes at this point, how do you come up with good titles

----------

the clock read, 2.09am. i groaned. it was one of those days again. or rather, one of those nights. of grueling hunger and cravings. and there was one way to solve it(or make it worse) without actually eating. though it may not be the best way. do u kno da wae-chiru get out i snatched my phone from my bedside table and loaded instagram, heading straight to the buzzfeedtasty instagram account. yes, tasty. the number one guilty pleasure where their food looks so good even with the simplest ingrediants, and when you recreate it it somehow looks like shit. or maybe i'm just a shitty cook. or maybe plating food to make it look aesthetically pleasing is just that difficult. or maybe both. to "satisfy" this sudden craving for sweets, i started watching videos of their deserts. god help me they look so good. the way the cream cheese blends with sugar and turns into a smooth white paste under the electric mixer, with heavy cream added to that mix and that generous teaspoon of vanilla essence that you can literally smell (jin: mMMMm sMELL) through your phone, those cheesecakes and oreos and cream and just all that fattening goodness- y'all this whole instagram account is straight up porn. i already feel fat just by watching these videos. but i'm still hungry af. the struggle is hella real who else can relate "ughhhhhh i wanna bake these godlike creations but i'm scared that i'll accidentally blow up my kitchen..." i groaned into my pillow. yeah, i’m a bit of a walking disaster, luckily i haven't reached namjoon's level. i think. one time my cookies almost turned out spicy because i was cooking spicy noodles at the same time. please don't ask. someone please just buy me a huge cheesecake to binge eat whilst i cry over my bad life decisions, one of which would be eating a whole 1542 calorie cheesecake at the asscrack of dawn. an imaginary or rather, imajinary-chiru stob light bulb went off from my head. there was one man made for this situation. one shoulder man, to be exact. i clicked on the contact "worldwide shoulders" and started typing.

(y/n) 2.30am

shoulder man take me by the hand lead me to the land that u understand

worldwide shoulders 2.35am

ya, its like 2.30am, shouldn't you be asleep? don't make me confiscate your phone

(y/n) 2.35am

sorry mom

worldwide shoulders 2.36am

yA tHIs chILd what's up, u usually don't text this late

(y/n) 2.37am

r u free tmr i wanna bake cheesecake pretty please

worldwide shoulders 2.38am

what a *cheesy* date if i do say so myself

(y/n) 2.38am

jIN its too early for puns :(

worldwide shoulders 2.39am

excuse you my puns are jinius

(y/n) 2.39am

SO cAN U BAKE WITH ME TMR :((( well actually it’ll be later today pls i owe u one

worldwide shoulders 2.40am

fine make sure u have the stuff ready, i'll come over at 10 go sleep its late

(y/n) 2.41am

yAY THANKS JINNIE

worldwide shoulders 2.41am

EXCUSE ME I AM OLDER THAN U (y/n) 2.42am :p see u tmr!! gnite shoulder man *finger heartu* worldwide shoulders 2.43am the disrespect i swear ----- "jin this is too tiring..." i groaned, my arms aching. "just a little bit more... just beat it harder." "look, must i really use my hands for this?" i whined. jin deadpanned. "(y/n) it's becoming white already, just continue. you wanted me to teach you right?" "why the hell can't i just use the electric mixer for the egg whites? its much faster than hand beating it..." i grumbled. "this is as good as doing 240 push-ups like jungkook," i whined. "my child there will be no shortcuts in this house when it comes to baking or cooking," i snorted at that. says the one who uses seasoning in his food. i mean, who doesn't? "i guess we can say that the cake will be eggcellent." he let out a windshield-wiper laugh at his own joke while i groaned at the terrible pun. "jin pls." ----- "DON'T CHOP THE BUTTER LIKE THAT OHMY GOD (Y/N) YOU'RE GOING TO CHOP YOUR HAND OFF LIKE THAT NO YOU'RE WORSE THAN NAMJOON SLICING ONIONS." jin shrieked at my horrible attempt to slice the frozen solid butter. i had forgotten to take the butter out to thaw, so now i had to face the consequences. of slicing, no, chopping, through rock solid butter that is stubborn about becoming smaller pieces. go me

he sighed and went behind me, his larger frame engulfing mine as he positioned my hand to hold the knife properly. "rest your index on top of the blade and your thumb and middle on its sides. this way, you'll have a better grip on the knife. and it reduces the chances of the knife slipping and chopping your finger off." he guides my fingers to hold the knife, while rambling on the precautions to take-which entered one ear and left the other. how am i supposed to concentrate when i've never been in this close proximity with the man until this moment? gosh he was warm and it feels real cozy, his chin gently resting on my shoulder to oversee the process, his larger hand on my smaller one guiding me to chop the butter. how domestic, i chuckled at the thought. i wonder how his hand would look like with his fingers entwined with mine- -which is what i did with the hand unoccupied by the knife. without me even registering it, i grabbed his free hand. our hands were clasped together and our fingers were tangled with each other. “omg (y/n) what are you doing” i screamed in my brain. do y’all ever just get intrusive thoughts like this and regret everything leading up to this moment. jin gave me a quizzical look that screamed "what are you doing." ok but same jin, same. well this turned awkward. in my panic, i let go of his hand. and the knife. good job, (y/n). "OH MY GOD LOOK OUT" jin yelled for what must be the 182297318th time today at my screw up and pulled me away from the knife which fell to the floor with a clang. i was pressed flushed against his chest as he pulled my body closer to his, almost as if we were snuggling. except that now is not really the time to snuggle with the situation at hand. thankfully the knife didn’t hurt any of us, but i knew, i was in deep shit with jin. i mentally braced myself for the lecture i was going to get. oh boy this is going to be ugly. "look (y/n), i dont care if you cant cook for shit." his face was starting to turn red from the incoming rant, and i had to stifle a giggle at that. there was always something amusing about jin scolding-maybe it comes from the fact that even if the mood is serious, he still wants to make everyone laugh and doesn’t want an atmosphere too damp. so his scolding just somehow turns comical. i bit down on my bottom lip harshly to stop the giggles, lest the lecture becomes longer. "but you are handling something sharp, please be careful." "i understand." i sighed. "look if i'm not here, you could have been seriously injured, you can't just play while handling knives. luckily i was around and could pull you away before it landed on your feet and cause you to internally bleed in your toe. do you even know how nasty it looks to have that black blood clot under your nail?" i nodded sheepishly. "loOK, WHAT IF YOU WERE ALONE? YOU COULD HAVE BLED TO DEATH AND THEN I WOULD NEED TO HAUL YOUR ASS TO THE HOSPITAL WHICH WOULD NOT END WELL MAJOR BLOOD LOSS IS NOT A FUN THING OK YOU NEED BLOOD TRANSFUSION SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH THE KNIFE DONT BE A SECOND NAMJOON." "yes mom." "excuse you i am not your mother." "alright you're excused mr worldwide handsome... mom." "YA THIS BRAT." ----- thankfully, that was the only major incident-or as the drama queen puts it, life threatening incident-that happened while baking the cheesecake. after 2 hours of screaming together and jin telling me how to carry out baking procedures properly, we finally put the cake together. "jin, she's beautiful." i shed a fake tear at our finished product. fake tear-fake love tear-chiru why are you so lame "yeah, but im more beautiful amirite." ".....you're inedible so obviously the cheesecake is prettier than you." he looked at me with a mock look of offense and i giggled at that. "well at least my face doesn't need to be caked with makeup to look good." "jin, why are you so lame." just like me "hey at least i'm still walking." "oh my god." "i mean that's not my name, but god's also a good name for someone as handsome as me." "........i give up." there was a tense moment of pregnant silence that settled between us. suddenly, we both burst out laughing at our ridiculous banter filled with bad puns, courtesy of jin. "let's eat the cheesecake, shall we?"

[loganthrives]

I feel spoiled for kudos in that I still get e-mail notifications for kudos at least once a week even though I've barely posted in years. But I want to echo the importance of comments here because I think there's a drought on those especially right now.

And before I start, trust me - I understand not wanting to comment or interact due to low social spoons or anxiety. I get it. I'm like that too from time to time. Internet people can be weird and scary and you don't know how well something you write will be received. If this is something you struggle with, rest assured this next part is not for you.

If you DO have the spoons to show love to a fic though, here are some ideas for fantastic comments you could leave on your favourite fics that will make the authors whole day:

incomprehensible keysmashes

lolololol

lmfao

omg

OMG

IM SCREAMING

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I LOVE THIS

T-T

how dare

how could you do this

I woke my partner/family/kids up laughing/screaming/crying over this at 3am

hands you a comment biscuit/cookie/oreo cake pops

And some more involved comment styles for extra credit:

I love when you (insert the thing you love)

This was my favourite part: (insert favourite part)

Will they/won't they swooning

GIFs

I wonder how (character) will take (thing that happened)!

Relevant jokes or puns based on the chapter content

A whole goddamn book review

One rambling run-on sentence about how much you love the fic that continues on for like 4-5 lines

Just a list of your favourite lines or moments from the chapter copy/pasted with "omg" "lolol" or keysmashes following each one (my personal favourite kind of comment 💜)

empathetic and supportive comments when the author mentions real life stuff in the chapter notes. Us fic authors love to forget our real-world obligations and/or mortality and will post from our deathbeds/while in active labour/on our wedding days, so we appreciate the love!

However, I would try to avoid:

unsolicited feedback or criticisms on the story content

pointing out spelling/grammar mistakes (unless the author asks for them or is still learning the language they're writing the story in (but still ask for consent first!!))

making predictions on how the story will go from here (it can mess up our writing process and how people will receive the fic - if you're right then it looks like we're just pulling ideas from the comments which can come across as lazy, and if you're wrong then you and others may be disappointed when it doesn't go your way. Try to keep theorycrafting to yourself - it'll be more rewarding if it DOES go the way you predict and you can just go "I knew it!!" when it does)

complaining about overused tropes - they're overused because people like them, that's why there's fifty billion coffee shop AU fics after all

complaining that the evil characters act like bad people with broken morals - why are you even here

asking for updates, pointing out how long its been since there's been an update, or complaining about the lack of updates. We Do This For Fun And For Free And We Have Lives (tm)

asking for or demanding smut/NSFW content. I haven't exactly had this happen but if you want smut of your ship I'm certain there are other fics to service those needs for you

Nothing ever happens-style comments on fics. Ex. I once got a bookmark on one of my fics lambasting me for my self-insert OC, saying that someone like her isn't realistic and doesn't exist, when she was heavily based on me (a real person) and my real life experiences. Yep.

honestly complaining that something isn't realistic in general. Its fiction??? If I wanna put a magic skeleton on the freaking moon I'm gunna do it yo

So yeah, if you can comment there's a bunch of ideas for you on some great comments you can make, and some things to avoid. Keep it positive and constructive and you can really make a fic author's whole day :D

Is leaving kudos on fanfics not common courtesy anymore?

Something I've noticed on AO3 in the last two years is the lack of kudos and comments left on fanfics.

Fanfics have an increasing number of hits, but their kudos and comments remain minimal.

I understand that leaving comments is daunting, but kudos is the easiest thing you can do to show support and appreciation for an author.

Part of me wants to blame BookTok and the commercialized consumption of books.

Readers are more demanding and impatient for content, but they're quick to move on once a book is published. It's a constant demand for 'More, more, more' without appreciating and/or supporting authors. And these readers are now getting into fanfic.

I don't want to complain because it's not productive. But if you're new and getting into fanfic: Support writers.

Support means leaving kudos on AO3, and if you're able, leaving a comment. It's simple courtesy.

[sethkate]

유 ♥ 웃

유 ♥ 웃 Send a ship and I’ll give you:

First to roll out of bed when the baby cries in the middle of the night

tbh neither of them enjoy getting out of bed??? so i feel like they would be the couple who like when the first person wakes up hearing the baby cry they will both go back and forth nudging each other saying it’s the opposite one’s turn until one of them is just eventually like UGH FINE ILL DO IT. esp when they are super sleep deprived like maybe savannah will be better about it in the beginning when they first bring the babe home but then eventually she’s just gonna be toast so

Uses strange methods to potty train

caleb but tbh they’re probably not his ideas?? i bet you the neighbor lady from down the hall like stops him all the time to make casual conversation bc eventually she’s gonna think they’re all Tight™. and she’d probably ask about the baby and tries to give him like old school tips and tricks. some of them probably work, some of them probably don’t. (also it just hit me that like??? this is only possible if they stay living in sav’s apartment forever bc otherwise they are gonna move away and leave the old lady behind and like wow i just got sad over this)

Tries to sleep in the baby’s bed

savannah starts off the night there and then i bet you caleb eventually tries to join them and like?? if he can’t sleep in the bed bc i’m assuming it’s gonna be super small, he��ll probably grab a blanket and pillows and then be on the floor next to them

Struggles with changing diapers

savannah because she has absolutely no maternal gene what so ever and will probably be like ‘why can’t you learn how to change your own diapers???’ ‘caleb is it too early to potty train the baby???’

Panics that they’re a bad parent

i think this is something they will both struggle with? but maybe at different points in the baby’s life. like sav will probably freak out initially when the kid is a baby because she’s like?? never ever been around babies before and is convinced she’s probably going to break it. but then Caleb will probably worry more when the kid is older? like school age to teenager because i think he’ll have this fear that the kid will somehow go down some of the dark paths that him and sav have been down and obviously he’s going to want to do everything in his power to prevent that so it’ll just cause a bit of anxiety

Falls asleep trying to get the baby to sleep

both of them depending on whose turn it is to get the baby to sleep?? probably savannah more so only because i’m sure the baby will wanna eat and then go to sleep and since she’s the one with the milk supply???

Tries eating the baby food

they make darren try it tbh lmao and i have a feeling at first he wouldn’t be so willing but then they’re like ‘we’ll pay u $20’ then he tries it and is like ‘this is pretty good???’ 

Is hyper sensitive when the baby gets hurt

probably savannah because she’s convinced that the slightest thing in the world is gonna cause her baby to break so? i think she’d be better after the first kid tho because knowing their kid, it’s probably going to do stupid things and get hurt a lot and eventually sav is gonna realize that they are pretty resilient

Baby proofs the house meticulously

caleb. he probably thinks of a tooooon of shit that sav wouldn’t even consider. with his mother’s help i’m sure because I’m sure she wouldn’t trust them to think of everything on their own. 

Follows the bus on the first day of Kindergarten

they both do. caleb drives, savannah sits shot gun like always. even if they both have to work savannah will make them both call off because she’s gonna be THAT mom.

Cries at the Christmas play

savannah because she normally hates the holidays and their lil cherub is probably going to change all that :) like the kid will probably force it down her throat so much that she has no choice but to like it esp since she’s gonna be the one that has to play santa and actually get into it and practice all the christmas carols with for the play??? maybe not make the cookies for santa tho so hopefully he’s ok with oreos or chips a hoy

Talks through the nightmares

caleb because i feel like?? since he’s the dad he’s like the protector from the nightmares and monsters and all that jazz. even though i picture him trying to be like super rational about it and like try to use logic to convince the kid they are just bad dreams and not real lol but he’s still gonna be super good at it anyway !!! 

[justanotherinterludeff]

13

I'm selfish I want you all to myself I swear You don't need nobody else I swear I want you all to myself Because I'm selfish, yeah

Selfish x PnB Rock

I hated making big decisions. Partially because I felt like no matter how many times I went over the decision in my head, it was always wrong. The next part was just because I didn’t really care for change. It’s been something I struggled with since I was a little kid. 

 So, when I decided to move out of my mama house, the shit was a little confusing. I worked hard to pay my mother’s mortgage off and keep her financially stable. It was the least I could do since she helped me raise Leilani. So, I knew I had to leave her with my mom when I made the decision to move out. 

Leilani deserved to grow up normally. Be in school, have friends, a real life. My lifestyle was dangerous, and having Lei live with me was too fucking dangerous. I wasn’t risking my daughter’s life for no amount of easy money. It wasn’t like I was moving to another state. I would just be a 30 minute ride from my mother’s house. 

But I couldn’t tell Lei that. When she saw all the boxes packed with all my things, she was confused. I sat her down and let her know what things would be from now on. I was confident in my decision, but the second she started crying, I felt like shit. 

 "Please, don’t leave me daddy.“ She sniffled. To say my heart hurt would be an understatement. A nigga felt like shit. I promised her I would come see her everyday, but that just seemed to make her cry harder. When it was time for me to get going, she wouldn’t even come out of her room to say goodbye to me. I went in either way and kissed her forehead before letting her know I loved her. 

 That was three weeks ago, and I was still feeling like shit. Every day I’d wake up in this room and she was the first thing I thought about. That lil girl really had my whole heart, and the fact that she was sad about this was fucking with me. I was snapped out of my little daze when my phone rang. Figuring it would be the moving company that’s been calling all week, I didn’t bother to look at the caller ID. 

“Yeah.” I huffed into the phone. “Okay, first off, that’s not how you answer a phone.” My sister mouthed off. “What’s up Naomi?” I sighed. “I have a surprise for you.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “I ain’t really in the mood for no surprises, Omi.” I washed my hand over my face. 

“Well, it ain’t about what you want right now. Come open your door.” She snapped before hanging up. The three beeps went off in my ear before I moved the phone from my ear. I sighed and prepared myself for whatever my crazy ass sister considered a surprise. 

I left my bedroom and swung the door open, “Surprise!” Naomi stood there with her arms open. I kissed my teeth. “Okay, that’s just rude.” She rolled her eyes. “It ain’t a surprise if you here every other day, Naomi.” Which was true. Ever since I left my mama’s house, she was here all the time. Partly to help me move in and get the place decorated, but still.

“It is a surprise if I bring somebody with me though.” She smiled before waving whoever over. My brows knitted before I saw Leilani saunter her way over to the front door. She ran straight over hugging my legs. I bent down and scooped her up before throwing her in the air repeatedly, while her giggles filled the hallway. 

“Alright, can we move the love fest inside please?” My sister suggested and we all made our way inside. After the kisses stop, Leilani just laid her head on my shoulder and continued to hug me tight. I swear, that’s all I needed. I was alright now. “I love you, daddy.” “I love you too, princess.”

“Grandma said that I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry.” He little voice trailed. “It’s okay baby. Don’t even worry about it.” I sat us both down on the couch and she curled her way into me. She looked up at me with eyes that were just like her mother’s. 

“Did the furniture for her room come yet?” Naomi asked making me break our stare. “Nah, they supposed to be here any minute though.” She nodded and went off to the kitchen. “Come here, Lei.” I stood her up and walked her down the hallway of the three bedroom condo. I directed her to the first room on the right hand side.

“This is gonna be your room.” I let her know. She walked around a little bit, before looking back at me. “But, I don’t have a bed. Or any toys here.” She looked at me for answers. “Don’t worry, I bought you a bed, and a dresser, all that. It’s coming later. We gon’ get you some toys and clothes too. That way when you come over, you’ll have everything you need.” 

“How come I can’t stay?” Her puppy dog eyes doing something to me again. I sighed. “Trust me princess, I want you to stay, but daddy… Daddy has to be at work all the time. I gotta make money so you can have everything you want and take care you you, grandma, and Auntie Nae.” “So, that’s why I stay with grandma?” She asked and I nodded. 

“How come I don’t have a mommy?” She cocked her head to the side. “When Cassidy can’t stay with her daddy, she stays with her mommy. Where’s my mommy?” Cassidy’s name came up a lot these days. She was slowly but surely turning into Leilani’s bestfriend. She saw their family dynamic and I guess she got curious.

Leilani was like her mother; curious. She always had questions about everything. Why was the sky blue? How come she had to go to school? Where did babies come from? All this from a four year old. She had questions about everything, and it was up to me, my mama, and Naomi to give her answers.

This question though, stumped me. I didn’t wanna lie to her and tell her she didn’t have a mother, because she did. But, I also didn’t know how to tell her that her mother up and left her when she was only months old. “Uh..” I started. “You do have a mommy. She carried you in her belly for nine months, made sure you was nice and healthy when you were ready to come out.” 

“Then, where is she?” She asked. “Uh, mommy, uh. She um.. She left for a little bit.” “Is she coming back?” “Uh, I don’t know princess.” I told her honestly. “Well, if she does, can I stay with her when you have to go to work?” “We’ll see baby.” I ran my hands through her curls and kissed her forehead. 

I could hear the doorbell ring and I knew it was the people with the furniture. “Brysonnn!” I heard Naomi call. I scooped Lei up and through her over my shoulder while she laughed. “Coming!”

“Do you wanna get the Dory fruit snacks or the Frozen ones?” Naomi asked Leilani. She sat in the cart, weighing her options. It was funny as hell to me, she sat here really thinking over some fruit snacks. “Hm, let’s do Dory. I have Anna and Elsa all over my room anyways.” She grinned. 

It was true. The movers dropped off everything Lei would need in her room and we were in Walmart getting her everything else she would need. Well, Nae was and I was just tagging along to pay for everything. She chose all things Frozen for her bedroom. Sheets, curtains, all that shit. 

Naomi was also helping me get stuff for the spare bedroom, and some stuff for mine as well. Plus we had to get groceries, so this trip would be a big one. We had gotten everything w would need for the bedrooms. The groceries were last.

“Daddy, can we get Oreos too? I love oreos.” “Anything you want princess.” I replied. Naomi rolled her eyes and grabbed the cookies for her. “What?” “This little girl is beyond spoiled.” “So?” I chuckled. “I'm just saying. You think it's cute now, wait until she's 16 and you buy her a BMW instead of the Benz she wanted and she throws a fit. I can see your old ass now. 'I'm sorry princess, daddy's gonna get you the right one. Matter of fact, keep this one. I'm gonna get you Benz too.'" She shook her head while I cracked up.

“Nah, she ain’t ever gonna get that bad. Ain’t that right lil mama?” I asked pinching her cheeks. “What’s a BMW?” She asked looking at her auntie. “See.” I chuckled. We continued down the aisles. I made sure to stock up on spaghetti and spaghetti sauce. I made a mental note to get some ground beef too. Considering that’s all a nigga could put together. 

“So, what’s up with you and Mack?” Considering I see Mack’s bitch ass every day, I heard my sister’s name more often than I did when I was living at home. All he talked about was Naomi. Shit was lowkey annoying. No lie, I was happy shit was going good for them. My bestfriend was happy and so was my sister. For everyone’s sanity, this was a good thing. 

“We’re great.” She grinned. “We went on another date last night. Annnddd he invited me to his pool party on the 4th.” I made a face. “Ain’t you always invited to the pool party on the 4th?” I chuckled thinking about the party that was this Saturday. Every since that nigga got his own crib, he made it a habit to have a pool party on the 4th of July every year. “And do I ever make it a mission to go?” I thought about it.

“Nah.” I answered finally. “Exactly.” She rolled her eyes. “Oh so now you gonna go cause that’s your boyfriend?” I asked. “He’s not my boyfriend... yet.” She smirked. I shook my head. “Aren’t you going?” She asked. “Hell yeah! Every year Mack got all the baddest women- I mean he use to.” I corrected myself seeing the look on her face. 

“Yeah, good save.” She rolled her eyes. “Look, that nigga might be taken, but I’m not. I can look.” “Wait, I thought you and Z was...?” “You thought wrong.” I chuckled. “No, I’m not! You liked her! What happened?” She questioned. “We just had little misunderstanding, and we stopped talking.” I explained. Naomi though, wanted to know the whole story. So, I let her know what happened. 

The last time Z and I spoke was about a month ago. The same night everything went down. Shit really just went left. After I made a couple drops, collected some money, I got a text from Jelani letting me know what the move for tonight was. I had canceled on seeing Z earlier today, so I was free. I get there, wasn’t in the mood to drink cause I was driving home, so I sparked up the blunt. 

Imagine my surprise when all I wanted to do was chill and smoke my blunt, and I feel somebody slip themselves on my lap. Cierra was somebody I’d see whenever I went out.  Mack and I went to high school with ole girl, and she had a reputation then, and it surely followed her. She was thirsty no lie. In no way, shape, or form, was I interested in Cici. Her sitting on my lap was beyond innocent. For me at least. 

When I seen Zemora pass by, I knew it wasn’t the weed making me trip. I shooed Cierra out my lap and made my way to her because I knew there was no way she ain’t see us. But, the second a nigga tried to explain himself, she shut that shit down. I understood, considering the way shit looked. So I showed up and her crib, explained, and she still wasn’t having it. 

I knew when I was mad, I hated when people still persisted to speak to me. So I gave her her space. I think that was way too much space, cause it’s been a whole 4 weeks since we’ve talked, much less seen each other. I completely avoided going by her crib. Hence why Nae was always by my house. 

“That girl Cierra always been a ho- thot.” Naomi made sure to change her wording remembering Lani was still in our presence. “Word.” “What’s crazy is, she hasn’t even said anything about it.” She thought for a second. “Then again I ain’t really been home.” She said more so to herself.

“Where you been at?” I hit her with a side eye. “Work.” She giggled before walking off. She better not play with me.

Saturday, July 4th

“Issa bad bitch. Issa bad bitch. Issa bad bitch.” Juju danced while she clapped the flap iron together. We were getting ready to head out to Mackai’s pool party and she was already turnt. “Can you chill with the “Issa” shit, issa annoying.” I rolled my eyes. 

“First off, that’s not even how you use it! Issa dummy.” She cracked up. I rolled my eyes and continued to run the comb through my bundles. I was really feeling this lioness look I had going on with this hair. I pushed it all over to one side and admired myself in the mirror. 

“Oh shit! Did Mackai do that?” She said inspecting my neck. My hand went to my neck, feeling how sore certain spots were. I wanted to slap myself for not remembering that he had left his mark on me two days ago. I spent the night at his house and things got a little heated. That was the farthest we had gone. And with the kisses Mackai was just laying on my neck alone, I was shook. 

“Who else would it be?” I giggled fixing my hair so it covered everything. “Mmm, girl. You are getting really serious about my big head brother.” She shook her head. It was true. In the short time me and Mackai started dating, my feelings for him had grown drastically. 

I was all about him. Literally, from the moment I woke up, to the second I went to sleep he was who I thought about or was talking to or about. Maybe because it was because I’d liked him for so long and we were finally doing something about it. I’m not entirely sure what it was about... but I was really feeling it. Really feeling him. 

“Something like that.” I smirked. “Nigga look like he was eating your damn neck. That’s all he was eating right?” She smirked and I died laughing. “Don’t be nosy.” I playfully bumped her. “So much for you not liking him.” She shook her head. “I know right.” I sighed. Boy, how the tables turn.

“Naomi!” I heard Z call from the other room. I yelled back, answering her, and she called me to her room. “Honest opinion, how do I look?” She posed quickly. “Bitchhhhhhh!” I gasped. Now, I could tell that Z had a great body when she was dressed. Her body was out of this world in a bikini.

“Oh my Goddddd! Look at your ass! I’m so jealous!” I whined. She laughed and reached for her denim shorts. “So, yes?” “Hell yeah.” My brother won’t know what hit him.” I stuck my tongue out and she rolled her eyes. “Girl bye, I’m not worried about your brother.” “Rightttt. And that’s why you’ve changed three or four times already right?” I sent her a look. “I’m just indecisive.” She stuck her tongue at me playfully. 

“Indecisive these nuts! Is Adrienne meeting us there still?” I had extended the invitation to both of them. Seeing as how, we were all cool, I thought why not? In the small time we’d been living together, I can honestly say I consider Z my friend. Her and Juju were still adjusting to each other, but Juju wasn’t being rude anymore so they were trying. Adrienne I was just starting to get to know. She reminded me a lot of Juju as far as her personality went. So, we were cool too.

“Nah, I gotta go get her. Can you text me the address and we’ll meet y’all there? She lives in the damn boondocks.” She rolled her eyes. I laughed, “Yeah. I’ll text it to you right now.” I said sauntering back into my room. I grabbed my phone off the charger, seeing messages from my brother and Mackai. I sent Z the address and she let us know she was leaving before she left. 

Big Bro 😬: Bring some more ice when you on your way please 

I hit him back letting him know I would, before going to Mackai’s message. 

Kai ☺️: Where yo fine ass at?

I giggled out loud and let him know I’d be on the way soon. I set my phone back down and saw that Juju was almost ready. She had her bikini on and she was fixing her hair. "How come everybody got a fat ass except me?” I pouted. “Don’t worry, my brother is trying to handle that. Give him a few months." She laughed. I rolled my eyes and snatched my outfit from the counter. 

The two piece bathing suit went on first, followed by the skirt. Oh yeah, I was definitely feeling myself. I swished out the bathroom, watching Juju shake her head at me. "Come on, I'm ready to see my man."

When we pulled up to Mackai’s house, cars flooded the block. We could see multiple just arriving when we did. Some girl walked past us with only a pair of pasties and a bikini bottom on. “Bitchhhhh, no she didn’t!” I gasped. “Shit, she got the body for it, why not?” Ju shrugged. More power to her I guess.

We found somewhere to park, and got out. Ju opted not to wear any kind of cover up nor shorts. A bikini, sun glasses, her hair down her back, and a pair of Gucci sandals. My bitch looked good. Z texted me, letting me know she had picked Adrienne up and they were on the way. When we were walking up the driveway, we could see a group of boys either sitting on the hood of a big Jeep Wrangler or huddled near it. 

It wasn’t until we heard our names being called we paid close attention. Amari, Jelani, some of their other frat brothers, along with my brother, and Mackai. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. He donned a pair of distressed, denim shorts, black Nike socks, three different gold chains, and a pair of Jordans I didn’t really recognize. No shirt. He looked like a fucking snack. Fuck that, a whole meal.

“Got damn Jamie!” Jelani tried to mumble under his breath. Mackai made sure to smack him upside the head. “Watch your mouth nigga.” He muttered. I went over and hugged my brother as the rest of them engaged in a conversation. “Why you acting like you don’t see your man?” He chuckled as he kept his arm over my shoulder. I rolled my eyes. 

Mackai and I really hadn’t gone public with our... thing. I mean people knew but now that I thought about it, this would be our first outing out together. Honestly, I didn’t know how we were approaching it. I was just gonna go with the flow. If he wasn’t ready for the public thing, I’d be cool with that. And if he was to flaunt me, I was ready for that too. 

I took my eyes off Bryson to look over at Mackai who was already staring at me. He signaled me over with his head and I sauntered over quietly. He pulled me into a hug and when he released me, he planted a kiss on my cheek. “What’s up beautiful? ‘Bout time you got here. You lookin good.” I blushed and subconsciously looked around to see if anyone’s eyes were on us. 

“Thank you. You look nice too.” My eyes scanned his tattooed arms and then his chest before looking up at him. He chuckled as he watched me watch him. I couldn’t help it. He looked good. Before Mackai and I could get too deep into each other, JuJu snatched me up to go inside with her. She wanted to grab something from Mackai’s room. 

She whisked me away and before I knew it, we were in the house. “You and him might as well fuck each other, all that eye sex y’all doing.” Juju laughed when we were in private. “Y’all staring each other down like a pair of horny ass teenagers.” “Shut up, Juju.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m just saying.” She laughed. 

When we finally made our way outside, we made sure to get drinks before finding somewhere to chill. We were bobbing our heads to the music, sipping our drinks, and doing a little two step. I was feeling really good. I felt even better when I saw Z and Adrienne waltz in, both holding red bulls. I waved them over and Adrienne caught me waving my hand in the air. She grabbed Z and they made their way over hand in hand. 

“Hey y’all! Y’all look cute!” Adrienne complimented as she gave us all hugs. “Thanks babes! This bathing suit is bomb too! Look at you! Looking like a snack.” I hyped her up. “Well, you know.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and did a turn. We all laughed. 

I passed Adrienne a drink, and while I was extending a drink over to Zemora, O.T. Genasis’s “Thick” came on. She made sure to take the cup from me before bending over and making her ass clap. Because Zemora was always so shy, and reserved, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing right now. She began bouncing her ass, letting her tongue out of her mouth. 

Adrienne tapped me, “She’s drunk.” She laughed. “She said she wanted to loosen up before she got here.” “How much did she have to drink?” I asked. “Four shots of Ciroc.” Zemora had admitted that she was a light weight, that’s why she didn’t drink. I tapped Z and she stopped dancing. 

“You good?” “Yessssss! I feel so good! I just wanna dance.” She let her tongue out again before wining her hips. I chuckled. “Okay. I just don’t want you to get too drunk. I’m keeping you on this one drink minimum.” “Okay mom.” She laughed. 

For the rest of the party, we were lit. We danced on each other, laughed, and drank some more. Z had sobered up a little so we let her have another drink. Nothing too strong though. Mackai and his crew were to our far left. Every few seconds we would lock eyes, but I would look away. I just wanted to have fun with my girls. When all of them started making their way over to us, I got a little nervous. 

They had been throwing girls in the pool all day and I wasn’t with the shits. I didn’t come this cute to be thrown in the pool. He swiveled his way through the crowd, I couldn’t help the scream that escaped my mouth when he picked me up. I wrapped my legs around him, if I was going in so was he. 

“Chill. I wasn’t even gon’ throw you in.” He chuckled. “Gimme kiss.” He mumbled. “No.” “You know I hate when you tell me no.” His hands moved to my ass and I gasped. “You drunk?” I asked. “A little bit. I’m high as fuck though.” He admitted. “Gimme kiss.” He repeated. Instead of being stubborn, I gave him what he wanted. I intended for the kiss to be innocent, but it was something about kissing Mackai that always made me take it to the next level.

We heard a throat clear and I pulled away. Our little group was shaking their heads, “Chill with that caking shit.” Jelani waved us off. “Hater.” I mushed him after Mackai put me down. He didn’t let me go far though. He made sure to keep one hand on my waist. 

I looked around while moving my hips to the music. I noticed Z in the corner of my eye dancing by herself as some random song played in the background. The DJ quickly switched to Vybz Kartel’s “Fever” and all hell broke loose. She bent over and was dancing, when all of a sudden one of Amari’s frat brother slid behind her. They grinded against each other, even attracting a small crowd.

I looked to my left and I could see my brother, clenching his jaw, while sipping his drink. I was no secret that him and Z ain’t talk no more. He stopped coming by the house, she stopped mentioning him, and he stopped mentioning her. I asked both of them what the issue was and neither of them wanted to get into detail. He said it was a big misunderstanding, and she just didn’t wanna talk about it. 

But the fact that he was sitting here with a clenched jaw said it all. He was still feeling her and the fact that she wasn’t paying him a bit of attention was killing him. I shook my head, noticing how they had one thing in common. They were stubborn. 

After the song went off the small crowd dispersed elsewhere and Z stood up straight. She started walking away from him and he grabbed her back, a little too rough. At least from where I was standing. She was trying her best to get him to let her go, but he wasn’t budging. I tapped Mackai and before I could get him to go help her, Bryson was already on his way over. 

“Fuck is you doing nigga?” He let her go almost immediately. The second he let her go, Bryson grabbed him around the neck. Z was already making a beeline back to us. Another crowd was forming, and Mackai knew that was his cue to get over there. Amari and the rest of them rushed over as well.  

“You fucking stupid?” I watched Bryson ask. I watched the other dude struggling to breathe. Bryson lifted his shirt slightly exposing his gun. “Yo, B. Let this nigga go. It ain’t even worth it.” Mackai tried to talk him down.

“I need some water. My head is spinning.” She let us know. Juju, Adrienne, and I escorted her inside. I peeped that the dude was being escorted out, followed by Mackai, Bryson, and some others that I knew they ran the streets with. I just knew he was about to get his ass beat.

In the meantime, we tried to get Z to sober up some more. Juju was getting her some food from the kitchen, Adrienne went to get her water, and I opted to stay with her. She was laid across Mackai’s bed, cuddled up to his pillows. “You okay mama?” I asked rubbing her back. 

“I’m okay. Where’s Bryson?” “Um, I think he’s still outside.” “I wanna tell him thank you.” “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now. Bryson ain’t the best person to talk to when he’s upset. Just give him a few alright?” She nodded and just then, Adrienne came back with the water. 

We all stayed in the room for about half and hour before Z felt a little better. I could tell she was sobering up because her words weren’t slurring anymore. “This is why I don’t drink.” She sighed. “Yeah baby girl, you are a light weight.” Juju chuckled lightly as she handed over the plate of food. “I’m good.” She declined. Ju shrugged and started picking at the food.

Someone knocked at the door and Adrienne let them know it was okay to enter. Amari walked in, and shut the door behind him. “Yo Z, you good?” He questioned. She nodded, “I’m fine Mari.” “On my mama, imma beat Nigel’s ass.” He huffed. “Amari, violence is not needed. I’m fine. It’s not that deep.” 

“Fuck that, Z. That nigga know better. He gon’ see me believe that.” Zemora could only sigh and sit up straight in the bed. “Is he gone? Because I wanna go back to the party.”  She let us know. “Yeah, B and them kicked that nigga out. If you going back out there, you not drinking no more.” Amari told her. “Okay, dad.” She rolled her eyes. 

“You ready now?” “I’ll come with the girls.” “Alright.” He nodded and exited the room. We all sat around for another minute or two before getting up and readjusting ourselves to go back to the party. When we stepped back outside, it was like nothing had even happened. Bryson, Mackai, and Amari were now chilling closer to the pool, sharing a blunt.

Mackai signaled me over and I nudged the girls in that direction. As soon as we got to them, Kai handed the blunt off to Amari and he cornered me against the fence. “I told you how good you look today?” He asked licking his lips. “You did.” I giggled. “God damn.” He shook his head and looked at me from top to bottom. 

“You don’t even know how much trouble you causing today.” He smirked. “Me? I ain’t doing nothing.” “You girls in here man, cause you all I got my eyes on.” “Oh, all your hoes?” I asked. “I ain’t got no hoes. I’m a married man.” He stated proudly. I hid my blush with an eye roll.

Without even asking, he gripped my ass, pulled me closer to him, and smashed our lips together. Like I said, whatever Kai wanted to do I was with it. So, the fact that we were engaging in PDA was all I needed. These bitches could be mad all they wanted to. Kai was my man.

[nostalgiaispeace]

608.

When was the last time you used a pair of ear/headphones? today.

Have you ever tried to count to infinity? no...

Do you like making mixed cds? not anymore.

Would you want to live forever if it meant being a tree? no...?.

What is the strangest thing you’ve put chocolate on? i don’t know?

Could you earn a good living selling weed? probably not.

What would you do tomorrow if you had $500? pay some bills.

What body hair gets the most attention? my hair?

What’s your favorite commercial? i don’t watch them.

Do you like pie? yes

Do you appreciate dishwashers? YES

What’s the worst experience you don’t remember? if i don’t remember it...how am i supposed to answer this?

Are your dreams usually cheerful? i don’t usually remember them.

What’s your favorite color of eyeliner? Black.

How’s the weather where you are at? not sure....chilly?

Anything bad happen today? no

Can you solve a Rubik’s Cube? no

What was the last thing that you microwaved? burgers.

Did you have an easy-bake oven when you were little? i think so

Have you ever seen a donkey? Yes.

Do you like sheep? Yes.

Do you like dogs? Yes.

Do you have one? back home.

Do you ever want to be married? I am.

Do you take a lot of pictures? no

Where will you be 2 hours from now? bed probably.

What is your current mood? tired.

Where are you going tomorrow? work

Who was the last person you yelled at? i don’t know

Do you think you’ll be a good Mother/Father? I hope so.

The last thing you drank? diet coke

What’s in your pocket? nothing

What colour are your fingernails? natural

Have you ever left school just because you didn’t want to be there? no

Did anything cute happen today? yes

What are you currently hearing? the tv

Are you afraid of the dark? no

Do you usually tell people when they hurt your feelings? no.

Do you have a common first name? Yes.

Do you like your middle name or your first name more? my first name.

What year would/did you turn 21? 2011

What was popular when you were a kid? Bratz dolls...Polly Pockets...umm...some other kind of doll.

Do you wear more rings or necklaces? both

Have you ever been engaged? yes

Can you see your veins through your skin? Yeah.

Do you worry about having good grammar online? not really.

Do you know anyone with a lazy eye? me

Did your parents let you have pets when you were a kid? yes

Would you rather live in an apartment or a duplex? doesn’t matter to me as long as it’s my own space.

Do you like spicy chips? Yeah.

Do you have any ‘different’ keychains on your keys/purse? no

Do you collect pins? yes

What band was on the last band t-shirt you wore? Asking Alexandria...I think..

Do you wear more pink or yellow? yellow

Have you ever been out of the state you were born in? Yes.

Do you have any tattoos on your arms? yes

Have you ever owned or known someone who owned a black cat? know someone

When was the last time you felt jealous? dunno

What’s the last thing you bought besides food/drink? perfume and a book

What album is the last song you listened to from? my band’s EP

Who scheduled your last doctor visit? me i think

What’s the last video game you played? Tetris

Do you have anything on your wrists right now? yes

Do you have any holiday theme’d socks? i think so? not sure.

What kind of accent do you have? ask others.

What’s the last funny movie you watched? dunno.

Can you remember your parents’ birthdays? yeah

Is there anyone who you just absolutely cannot STAND being around? YES

What is the design on your shirt? it’s Marilyn Monroe.

Do you know anyone who just flat-out fails at life? yes..sure..

Are you a Ghoulscout? no...

Do you know someone who’s just always wrong about everything? lol yes

Do you make fun of people often? depends

Do you read your friend’s surveys? my friends don’t take them..

If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you pick? Eve and the Serpent.

How do you feel about band tattoos? i want some.

How much are you willing to pay for a pair of sunglasses? 0 dollars.

What is the origin of your last name? I have no idea. lol

Do you ever use the n-word? if i’m rapping along to a song it accidentally slips out. >.<

What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? doesn’t matter.

What brand of hair dye do you prefer to use? not sure.

What country do you live in? USA.

Did/do you ride the bus to and from school? i did.

Do you prefer beef, chicken or steak? beef

Are you any good at applying make up? i’m alright

Do you misuse commas? probably.

Have you ever bitten your dentist? no

Are you someone who likes to make simple things difficult? probably.

Who makes you laugh the most? dunno?

Do you have any plans for this weekend? not really. probably chilling and/or working

Do you crack your knuckles? yes

Coffee or Tea? coffee

Do you know anyone named Matt? i’m married to a Matt

Wearing any bracelets? yes

When were you last outside? Today.

Do you need someone to cheer you up right now? no

Are your nails painted? no

Do you think things will change in the next 3 months? maybe?

Do you think you’d make a good parent? i hope so

You start crying. Who do you want by your side? My mom or Matt.

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone? yes

Did someone screw you over lately? yes

Would you ever get your hips pierced? yes

If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go? yes

Who was the first person you talked to today? Matt

What’s your favorite musical? Singin’ in the Rain

How do you get to sleep? i take some pills.

What happened at the last party you went to? it was my wedding...my band played...me and matt shoved cake in each other’s faces...got super drunk...played beer pong

Have you ever smoked a cigarette? yes

What’s your hair like at this present moment? ponytail

Are you more comfortable sitting or lying down? Lying down.

What’s the worst film you’ve ever seen? too many

Are you an untidy person? yes

Have you ever been a fan of N*Sync? duh

Do you watch a lot of television? on like netflix

Do you think you’re fat sometimes? yes

Do you like to flex your muscles? no

Do you think you’ll ever get plastic surgery? if i was rich

Have you ever completely misunderstood what somebody was saying? often

Favorite kind of cake: Chocolate.

Was it a boy or a girl to text you last? girl

Name something you are doing tomorrow? work

Do you sleep on your stomach? sometimes

Where are you going to be at 4:00 p.m. tomorrow? my bed sleeping

Are you missing someone? Yes.

Do you like horror or comedy? horror

Who did you last share a taxi with? no one

Dogs or cats? cats

What were you doing at 12 this afternoon? it hasn’t gotten there yet

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? yes

What’s your favorite season? Why? spring; feels lovely outside

When’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong? dunno

Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up? yes

Who was the last person you hugged? Matt

When was the last time you cried? today

Who was driving the last time you were in a car? me

Does any part of your body hurt right now? yes

Do you like your bed? it’s fine

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? dunno

How much cash do you have on you? like 2$.

Are you tanned? No.

Did you get any compliments today? yes

Have you ever gone to court? yes

Do you get jealous easily? yeah

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks? no

What are you doing Saturday? chilling

What is in your back pocket? nothing

What were you doing at 3:00 a.m. this morning? chilling.

What do you usually do first in the morning? have a smoke

Are you any good at math? not really.

Any plans for Friday night? working

Do you have a little crush on someone? no.

When’s the last time you ran?
 LOL

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? some

What are you dreading right now? Work.

Do you celebrate 420? No.

Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? sometimes

If anyone came to your house on your “lazy days” what would ya’ll do? nothing

Who last grabbed your ass? Matt i’m sure

Have you ever been on your school’s track team? LOL

Do you own a pair of Converse? Yeah.

Did you copy and paste this survey? yes....

Do you eat raw cookie dough? Yeah.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? probably

Don’t you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? i don’t listen to the radio

Do you watch Trading Spaces? no

How do you eat oreos? normally?

Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? probably.

Are you cocky? No.

Could you live without a computer? i have

Do you wear your shoes in the house? no

Who or what sleeps with you? Matt and my cat

At what age did you find out that Santa wasn’t real? 11?

What do you do when you’re sad? cry and sleep

Who would you call first if you won the lottery? Matt? my mom?

Last time you saw your best friend? my wedding

Are you in high school? no

What jewelry are you wearing? wedding band, engagement ring, supernatural bracelet, pearl necklace.

Is anyone on your bad side now? yes

What’s the first thing you do when you get online? depends on what i wanna do?

Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy? no

Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? not really

Where do you work? Residential Home for foster kids.

Do you return your cart? Yeah.

Do you have a dishwasher? Yes.

What noise do you hear? the tv and AC

Would you survive in prison? probably

Who is the youngest in your family? my sister

If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely overpack? me

What’s the last thing you purchased? food i think

Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? no

What brand are your pants right now? they were my grandpa’s

Ever been to Georgia (the state)? the airport

What irritates you most on the internet? people are annoying

What brand is your digital camera? -

Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? sure

Are you taking college classes right now? no

Do you like sushi? no

Do you get your hair cut every month? No.

Do you go online everyday? no

What makes someone a best friend? there’s a special bond..duh

[sylvesterbarzey]

Just for you guys here is my Novella (unedited) called "Rush" You ever just wish you could go back and slap yourself? Like a fully open hand, slap the shit out yourself? I got a few moments in my life when a nice slap would have saved me. It would have saved everyone. That's what's wrong with life. You can forget, avoid it, get high and hide from it, but you can never get a second chance at life. Never. “You pack up the car?” He threw the question out there, but he really didn’t want an answer. Yet, being the good son that I was I gave him one anyway “No, I left everything in the house for the new owners. I don't want them spending all their money at IKEA” I heard Richie laugh as he started making his way into the car. My father looked at me and then smiled for a moment as he stepped in behind the wheel. I got into the car and rested my head back looking at Richie, the front seat was filled with bags, I think that was just dad’s ways of keeping Richie in the back seat with me, my dad is slick like that. Richie is the type that likes to play car games or talk to you to make sure you don’t go to sleep. He’s mostly worried the car would flip over and you’ll die. Maybe I should fill you in on a few things before I continue; the man behind the wheel is my dad, Sam, and the man-child next to me is Richie, together we’re all trying to move past the death of my mother, Kim. My mother died in a car crash a few year back. She and Richie were coming home late from one of his wrestling matches; Richie swears that mom fell asleep but the truth is she got side swiped by a drunk driver. She didn’t even see it coming. I call Richie a man child not to be mean, but that’s what he is, he’s my older brother that I have to look after. The doctors say he’s lucky to be alive, but that he’ll never live a normal life again, and that he's always going to have the nightmares and the pain down his back. At night we hear him screaming ‘Mom! Mom! It's gonna be okay!’ or crying because his back won’t allow him to sleep. The doctors told us they couldn’t do anything for him, that he was just going to be that way, and dad wasn’t having that. So he hopped on his computer to find something that could help old Rich out and the next thing we knew, the house was sold, the car was packed and we were on our way to the Colorado mountains, or is it the trees now? My dad researched that weed, or medical marijuana for you politically correct people, could help Rich with his nightmares and the pain in his back, but getting it from the doctors in Texas wasn’t gonna happen. I don’t mind the move, I know most people would miss their friends and what not, but I didn’t really have many back home and. “Tim, you hungry?” I looked up at the back of my dad’s head and then back down at the magazines on my lap, I started flipping through the pages and laughed as I said “I know you are, I can hear your stomach talking” Dad’s hand went over his midsection and he nodded “Where you boys wanna eat?” He asked before I could answer Richie’s hands started pulling at the pages of my wrestling magazine “Champion! Champion!” He shouted and I nodded pushing his hands away. “Yeah, yeah, champion. We get it, you could have been a contender, Rocky” I said causing my dad to roll his eyes “Shut the hell up Tim. There’s a special place for people like you, you know that?” He said and then his head finally turned to look at me “And Rocky was a boxer, not a wrestler” I laughed at his words and leaned forward “Same shit, let's get burgers” I said as he tried to overlook the curse coming from my mouth. My mom wasn’t big on dirty words, but my dad cursed like he was on some life long deployment in the Army. However, now that she’s gone he tries to make it feel like she’s still around by disapproving every other word that comes out of my mouth and watering down his own. “Let’s got to In-N-Out,” I said as I started climbing over the armrest and pushing the bags off the front seat. I looked back at Richie and stuck out my tongue before tossing the wrestling magazine into his lap. He smiled and started flipping through the pages as my dad said the curliest thing he could ever say to me “They don’t have an In-N-Out in colorado” He kept his eyes on the road as he let the words out because he wasn’t man enough to look me in the eyes to say it “No, no, no, no! You said this move was for the better!” I shouted and he laughed as he looked over to me “I’m sure they have something just as good” My hand went over my heart and my jaw dropped, I shook my head and started buckling my seatbelt “I don’t even know who the hell you are anymore” I said and my dad started pulling over to our exit. In-N-Out for you sad souls who haven’t had the opportunity to experience its greatness, is one of the best, no! The best eateries in the world, google it, I’ll wait. Yeah, I told you! We used to go there all the time, mom loved it. She wasn’t much of a cook, so fast food was our thing. If we ever had a homemade dinner it was because Richie was cooking it, and it was something healthy so he made weight, something like skinless boiled chicken breast. I’m getting off topic, this is just another reason why Colorado sucks. If you couldn’t smoke I doubt anyone would move here. I had a burger and frozen custard, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, which dad kept rubbing in as we unloaded the trailer. We drove the essentials over and everything else would be arriving with the movers sometimes this week. I didn’t care about moving because I didn’t have many friends back in Dallas and the ones I did have didn’t know how to act after my mom died. It’s a hard thing to deal with at fifteen, having to watch your friend cry over a closed casket and wheel his brother around everywhere. They stopped inviting me places because I kept lashing out or making jokes like “cool Ipod, my dead mom wanted to get me one just like it” No one laughed, not even me. I mostly stayed home and did what I’m doing now. Lock my door, cry in the corner and smoke a blunt. Welcome To Golden, Colorado Timothy. New state, same old feelings, no matter how far or how fast you run. You can’t outrun your demons, hopefully, I can smoke them away. “Get the gummies.” I said and the dad waved me off with a laugh “They don’t make” He stopped and looked closer at the glass counter and smiled “Well damn, they do make gummies.” He said and the woman behind the counter laughed. She stood there in a white crop top and a long rainbow colored dress, just taking in the show as this 40 something-year-old man was being educated on the wonders of Mary Jane by me. “He’s not gonna smoke it and if you give him a cookie he’s gonna fight you for the whole thing.” I looked over at Richie who was sitting with his hands folded in his lap. I was avoiding eye contact with everyone, no matter how it smelt, no matter how they dressed, he knew a doctor’s office when he entered one. “Like you did with the Oreos!” I shouted and Richie’s head popped up looking side to side “Cookies?” He said softly and I rolled my eyes laughed “No buddy, no cookies today” I said and looked back at my dad. “Yeah but I want to make sure he takes it, he likes cookies.” He said and I patted him on the back “Fine, but when he's got you pinned down in the kitchen like a rag doll, don’t think I’m gonna help you. He outweighs me by 70 lbs” My dad laughed at my words and then looked over at Richie who had stood up tall now, stretching his massive arms out and yawning. He put his left hand on his jaw and then his right on the side of his head and with a quick twist we heard a crack and Richie started laughing. I looked up at dad’s face and he looked at me. We both smiled and said, “We’ll take the gummies!” “I can’t believe they don’t have a shop in Golden.” My dad said as he sat down by Richie “The way the news made it sound, there were shops all over this place.” I laughed at his words and shook his head “Nah, it’s a business. You’re not gonna set up your BMW dealership in bum fuck nowhere and hope the hillbillies have a MasterCard.” I said as I sat down next to him and ran my hands over my face “You go where the customers are. There are way more potheads in Denver than in Golden.” I said softly and he nodded “I guess.” He said then his head turned to me “You sure do know a lot about this stuff. You wanna tell me why that is?” He asked and I leaned back in my seat and smiled “You really wanna know?” I asked and he shook his head “Not really” I laughed and nodded “I thought as much. It’s just an interesting topic, to have a state just legalize weed, and make all this money from it. It’s crazy” My words fell on deaf ears at my dad was just watching Richie walk about the shop, looking at all the different glass pipes and bongs. “How was he last night?” Dad asked without even turning to look at me, I sighed and looked over at Richie, the big man-child that had unknowingly stolen my childhood away from me. I felt guilty looking at it that way, but it was true, most kids my age were hanging with friends, chasing girls and cutting school. I was staying up late waiting for the sound of whimpering and screams to rush in like some superhero to save the day. I loved him and I’m always gonna love him, but part of me hated what that accident did to me. It changed Richie’s life forever and everyone can see that, but no one can see how broken it left me, how much pain I feel. “He wasn’t crying, so I call that a win.” I said and my dad turned to look over at me “How are you holding up?” He asked and I turned my head to the counter “I think the gummies are ready” I said, I could feel my dad’s eyes locked on me, then he got up and softly pat me on my head as he started towards the counter. What could I say? Oh, my night was fine, I got high in my closet and cried over mom’s photo like I do every night. He didn’t want to hear that, he didn’t need to hear that. It was only an hour or so ride back home. We didn’t say much to each other, he reminded me I had school in the morning and I reminded him home school is a real thing. When we pulled into our driveway there were some people waiting at our door. My dad turned killed the engine and sat there looking at them, his head turned to me and I shrugged “Don’t look at me, all the people I know here are in this car” Dad slowly opened the door and started walking towards the people, it was a couple in their 40s, like Dad and their skinny son, who looked about my age. “Hey, Neighbor! We’re the Johnsons! I’m Joseph, This is my wife Mel and my boy JJ” My dad stood there staring at the man with his hand out and then looked at our house, his hands didn’t move from his hips. He just smiled and softly said, “What are you doing here Joseph?” “Dad’s about to put a Longhorn hurting on that fool Richie.” I said with a laugh, Richie laughed and pushed me lightly or what he believed to be lightly and we both hopped out the car and started up towards Dad. “We thought we would come by and bring you some pie. No one answered the door, so we were planning on leaving it on the doorstep” Joseph said as Mel stood there extending the pie with her mittened hands. My dad smiled and took the pie, slowly handing it to me. “Sorry, we’re not used to Neighbors where we come from” Dad said and I followed up with “Our closest neighbor was ten miles down the road and she was crazy” My rolled his eyes “Mrs. Kelly wasn’t crazy” He said, me and Richie started towards the front door and Richie yelled back “She talks to cats!” I laughed but stopped when I saw JJ’s eyes fixed on Richie “You got an eye problem.” I asked and JJ looked over at me “Nah, man. I just..” JJ’s words were cut off by my dad shouting “How about we all go inside and get to know one another.?” The Johnsons were odd or maybe we were, it was kind of like when you’re forced to share a table with someone at a wedding and you try really hard to start up a conversation but you both know you’re only here because you got trapped. Small talk wasn’t our thing and from the looks of it, it wasn’t the Johnson’s thing either, Joseph jumped in with “How you like it here” “Seen The Mountains yet?” Or other random things between bites. I politely excused myself “Well this fun, see you guys later” I said and my Dad shot up “Hey you sure you don’t want to stay and have some more cake?” he asked and I laughed running up the steps “Nah I’m good” I was halfway to freedom when he yelled back “Well you can show JJ your room then” My Dad’s always been a petty son of a bitch, if he was blind I think he would spend the rest of his sightless days time to figure out how to make the rest of the world blind too. I turned on my heels to look down at the bottom of the steps at JJ “Come on” I said softly. We walked into my room and I closed the door behind me. JJ looked around for a moment and pointed at my sleeping bag that sat in the corner “You doing a little indoor camping?” He asked with a laugh and I smiled for a second then shook my head, “Nah, That’s me and your mom’s love shack. Doesn’t look like much but it gets the job done” I said as I folded my arms and locked eyes with him. I waited for him to storm passed me or even curse me out. JJ didn’t look like the fighting type, he was skinny with shaggy hair that more or less covered his eyes. JJ walked up to me and slowly cleared his hair out of his face laughing “Must be lonely at night, she pops her pills and is out by nine” JJ said as he looked around the room. People always insist that making friends is easy, that you just walk up to someone and say ‘hey, you wanna hang out?’ That’s not how the real world works, you have to build up to something like that. You have to feel out a person and see if you two fit within each other’s worlds, you can’t just walk up to someone and ask them to step into your space. Making friends isn’t that easy. JJ looked back at me and softly said, “Hey, you wanna get high?” I turned around slowly and locked the door “Blunt or Bong?” Okay sometimes making friends is way too fucking easy. After that, JJ and I were inseparable. Which was a good thing, nothing is worse than going to a new school and not knowing anyone. JJ showed me around and introduced me to some people, a lot of which gave off the vibe like they didn’t want to be seen with us. I couldn’t really figure out why until JJ and I were caught smoking down by the pool between periods. JJ’s the school pothead, everyone knew him as that clown that’s always high and I quickly started being labeled the same. Dad wasn’t happy about the path I was falling down but he had his own issues to figure out. He needed to find a job and fast. We got a good amount of money after Mom’s death but most of it went into the new house and moving, what was left may or may not let us ride out for a year or so, but it was nothing to fall back on. Dad was an accountant, he was a whiz with numbers, but the market wasn’t looking for that. Every time he opened up his computer he saw opening after opening for growers, something that was pretty far away from the accountant’s suit and tie life that he was used to. Yet, Mom always said people will surprise you. “Hillbillies like it too” He said softly as the car came to a stop at a red light “Like what?” I asked looking out the window, I was doing my best to avoid the verbal ass kicking that was going to come from being suspended for two weeks. “Weed.” he said and then turned his head to look at me “So do soccer moms, CEOs, Teachers. There is a market for it” He said and I laughed looking over at him “What the hell are you talking about?” I asked. My Dad is the son of a farmer, who studied hard got into college and met a history major who liked to get high and party. She knew that wasn’t his thing so she cut back. They got married and made a superstar wrestler and a pot head. I’ve known my dad for 16 years. I know him like the back of my hand, but he said next shocked the hell out of me. “I wanna open a pot shop in Golden. So tell me everything you know about weed” “Why would people want it in their butter?” My dad asked me and Richie pushed the bookcase into place. I took a step back and flexed my muscles “Oh yeah, you see that Rich? All beast right there” Richie looked over at me and laughed as he pinched my arm “Beast? More like pup” He said and walked off into the shop. “Hello! Am I talking to myself?” My Dad asked and I turned around rubbing my arm “If you are, you should ask yourself how much you’re willing to pay for therapy for my body image issues” I heard Richie laughing from the back of the shop. I ran my fingers through my hair and laughed as I said “The butter can be used for baking and cooking. So if you don’t smoke it, you can get it some other way” Dad nodded as he looked over my list of new products to introduce to the shop, he was picking up on everything pretty fast these past few months. I didn’t think he would take it like he did and he was right the people in Golden welcomed the shop with open blunts. Every week was a good week, it’s like he found his calling and me? I always answer when Mary Jane is on the line, I’m more of a teacher and at times a product tester. JJ and I spend hours in the greenhouse just messing with the bud, Dad made his own blend that he calls Rush. It’s a play on the whole Gold Rush era, the shit is yellow and is really only sold to people who are looking to get on cloud nine like right fucking now. It brings a tear to my eyes to see how much he’s grown in such a short time. From a suit and tie paper pusher to getting a high paper roller. People really do surprise you, he took his first hit the other day. I told him ‘you can’t sell something that you’ve never used’ You know the whole be a product of your product crap. He spent three hours looking for his phone, which he hand in his hand as he was face timing Grandma. Then he ate a whole box of Frosted Flakes, Richie and I decided he won’t even get to smoke again. It’s just not for some people. “I got to head back to school.” I said as I snatched my bag off the floor “You need a ride” Dad asked, and I shook my head as I pointed through the glass door at JJ sitting on the hood of his dad’s car. “I’m covered.” I said as my fingers felt the smooth letters on the shop door ‘Rush’ I got to name the shop, it was new and bound to cause problems at first, So I called it ‘Rush’ like that first head rush you get when you burn some good shit. Dad doesn’t get it, he thinks it’s a play on the Gold Rush thing and I guess it could be. “Love you” He called out but I was too cool to answer or too high, it all feels the same sometimes. I mean when you’re jumping in and out of strange clouds, sometimes you can’t tell the difference between flying and falling. “You got it?” JJ asked as my fist came up to bump his “Bitch what you think?” He laughed and pulled open the car door “After you boss” He said softly and I just shook my head as I hopped in the car. The shop has a great career move for Dad and for JJ and I. Weed is big business in Colorado, everyone’s getting high legally, and illegally. See as far ahead of the nation as Colorado is, there’s still some laws regulations to getting high up in these mountains. Laws like: You can’t purchase more than 28 grams at a time You can’t have more than 1ounce (28 grams) in your possession unless you’re a dealer Can’t get high and drive And you have to be 21 to buy and use unless your doctor says otherwise like Richie So as amazing as the business is in Colorado it’s still neglecting a massive market, the 21 and under market. That’s where JJ and I come in, we’ve been helping ourselves to some of Dad’s Golden Rush and bringing Colorado into the modern age. “Dean said he wants to talk to you when we get there.” JJ said as the car started up, my head turned to look at him and I laughed “No!” I said and JJ shook his head “Don’t be like that man. He just wants to make a little cash. His cool” JJ said and I laughed “Was he cool when he was pushing your ass into a locker when I first got here?” I asked, “Man that’s old shit, we good now.” He said and I nodded “Yeah y’all are good because you got something he wants now.” I shook my head and looked out the window watching the mailboxes fly by before I shouted out “That mother fucker wouldn’t even be looking at us if we weren’t selling” JJ laughed and nodded “Yeah you might be right, but if he's around then Katie’s around” JJ said, I felt his eyes scan over me for a reaction, be it an objection or an agreement. For you to get a full understanding of this conversation I got to fill you in about a few things. Dean’s the quarterback of the football team, he’s an all around asshole, has been since the day I met him, but his Dad died last month and I got a soft spot for dead parents. He wants to start selling with us, he says he needs to money for his Mom, but no matter how soft my spot is I can’t get over this feeling in my guy that says stay the fuck away from him. I would never be around his ass except, for one thing, his dating the hottest girl in school and she happens to be our biggest customer. Katie used to buy from some dealer in Denver but we own her over thanks to location, but the more Dean and I fight the less I see Katie, and I got to have something nice to look right? I mean who else am I gonna flirt with? JJ? “The more people that know about this, the more likely we are to get busted.” I said and JJ shook his head “Man, no one is gonna bust us. You know I got it in good with the Sheriff’s daughter” He said and I laughed “What the fuck does that got to do with her Dad? He not gonna lock your ass up because his daughter gave you a hand job once?” I asked and JJ smiled and looked over at me as he tossed up two fingers “Twice and it was heavenly” When we pulled into the parking lot Dean and Katie were waiting for us. I held my book bag tightly in my hand as I pushed open the car door “This is some bullshit JJ. I don’t see why you just won’t drop this” I said and JJ slammed his door behind him “I don’t understand why you just won’t bring him in. Dean’s got a really good idea about..” I cut JJ off and laughed “Wait, you two fuckers going steady now or something? What’s he telling you his master plan for?” JJ shook his head and ignored my questions, as we got closer I heard Katie whisper “Just be nice babe”. “What’s up guys?” JJ said as Dean leaned back on his car “Not shit Smokey, just waiting for you boys” Dean said then looked over at me “What’s up brother? How you been?” He asked and I laughed nodding “The bush’s been burned down Dean, no need to beat around it, what the fuck do you want?” I asked and Katie shook her head “Tim, come on.” she said softly and the sound of her voice pulled my eyes towards her. I want to say I’m above crushes and butterflies and shit, but if I have to be one hundred percent honest, there is nothing hotter than a pretty girl that knows how to roll a blunt. Katie was my dream girl, hot, smart, and stoned but she was wasting her time with this “This Ass Hat only talks that sweet stuff when you’re around or when he wants something.” I laughed as I turned my head to look back at Dean who was turning a nice red as he stood there trying his best to block my words out. A nice cold wind blew through us and caused JJ’s hair to fly back just in time for me to see his blue eyes roll. I looked over at Katie and then at JJ and in that moment I realized how we were all positioned. It was me standing there with my big mouth while the three of them were leaning on Dean’s car. Whether I liked it or not, they had already made up their minds about how this talk was gonna end. They needed me for this business because I was the supplier and they were will to talk me into it, but if I didn’t cross that line with them, well I would be eating the rest of my lunches alone. JJ was my best friend but since we started selling weed he started becoming addicted. Not addicted to weed, because no matter what those damn PSA ads say you can’t get addicted to bud. He was addicted to the attention, the people that knew his name, the ones that were acting like our friends. I kind of liked it too, but if I had to go back to a few months ago when it was just JJ and me, getting high and talking about dumb shit, I would be fine. That small gust of wind let me see for the first time JJ didn’t have the same feelings. I pushed my hands into my pockets with my book bag of weed just hanging over my right shoulder. I stared down at the light white snow that was surrounding my feet. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I said, “What’s this plan you got Dean?” I felt dumb for even thinking about it. I felt weak for even letting the thought impact me. But I didn’t want to be alone again. JJ was right, Dean had a pretty good plan that day. Dean knew a lot of other football players from different schools, due to the games and his summers at NFL camp. Yeah, I had no idea how good Dean was until he said that, it’s like some kind of training camp for football players who want to bring their game to another level during the summer. I’ll admit, I thought it was kind of cool, I wasn’t gonna tell him that. Anyway, through his contacts we grew our little operation from just our school to the high schools and middle schools in 4 counties. Dean would make the rounds every weekend or JJ and I would do it if he needed to be home with his mom. She was falling into a deep depression, the money Dean was making from the business was helping with her meds and buying her nice things, but what she was feeling wasn’t gonna fade away by throwing money at it. I knew that better than anyone, my family and I are still hurting from losing Mom, and there wasn’t any amount of money the insurance company could give us that was gonna pull us out of that hurt. It’s gonna be with us forever, so some weekends we do the rounds to get the money. We split it all I got a little more than JJ and Dean because it was my product, and I was taking the most risk. It wasn’t just kiddie jail for me, my Dad’s shop could get shut down, and he wouldn’t be able to buy anymore, and I don’t even what to know what that would mean for Richie. I don’t think they could stop us from getting his weed but you never know. I know what you thinking, it’s the same thing that Katie asked me the other night when the four of us were just chilling and drinking. “Sooo, why?” She leaned in whispering the question into my ear. I looked over at the back of Dean and JJ’s as they sat on the floor in front of us getting lost in a game of Madden. I turned my head to look her in the eyes as I asked, “Why what?” She smiled and shook her head “Nevermind” She said and I laughed “Nah, why what?” I asked once again and she leaned back onto one of the big pillows on the couch and sipped her beer before looking over at her. “Why are you dealing?” She asked and I laughed a little, it was an awkward one that people normally do when they have no fucking idea what to say. I leaned forward to get my beer off the glass coffee table and took a long sip before I looked back at JJ and Dean. I said my words softly hoping they would avoid their ears “I need a reason?” My eyes went over to Katie and she put her beer down and slide over towards me, filling up the empty space that once kept us apart. She was turned towards me fully with her feet crossed in the seat “Yeah, Dean needs the car. JJ’s always been dealing more or less, but you” She stopped and cleared a bit of hair from in front of her face “I just don’t get you Tim, or why you’re doing all this” I wanted to answer, I wanted to have some kind of deep reason to give her. Something that would pull her into my world and let her know she is more than welcome to stay. I knew there was a reason, but it was one I was avoiding, it was one I knew was only gonna pull out some of the hurt that I was smoking away. My lips parted to push out some cool lie like ‘maybe I’m just a bad boy’ or something to pull out a laugh and break the mood, but it was broken by my phone ringing. I was thankful for the escape, but as I put the phone to my ear that feeling of being thankful faded away fast. “Get home!” My Dad shouted and I laughed “Well hello father, how are you this lovely evening?” I asked in the most smartass tone I could come up with and Katie laughed, and I smiled. “I said, get home Timothy! Now!” I rolled my eyes “I’m spending the night at JJ’s” I said and then my father said something that caused my heart to start racing “No your not! I’m at JJ’s. Get the fuck home now Tim. We need to talk about something” He said and I closed my eyes letting out a big sigh “I’m sorry dad, we went to hang with Dean because of his mom..” Then he said something that causes my heart to stop “I know about the weed, Tim! Get the fuck home now, or I’ll drag your little ass home by your shithead neck” with that statement the phone hung up and I jumped to my feet. “Everything okay?” Katie asked, JJ’s head turned to look at me as he said “You alright man? You look like you just shit yourself” Dean laughed and said “He better not have, my mom is knocked out and I’m not cleaning that shit” My hands ran over my face and I felt the sweat cover my finger tips. “I got to go.” I said rushing towards the door and JJ laughed “Go where? I drove, remember” he said and just screamed out “Shit!” Their eyes were all on me now, Dean shot to his feet “Be easy man, my mom is sleeping” he said and I shook my head “My dad knows man, he knows” I said as I started pacing back and forth, trying to get a hold of everything that was just dropped in my lap. Katie stood up walked over to me, she put her hands on my shoulders and forced me to look into her eyes “Your dad knows what?” She asked but they didn’t need my answer, I just stared at her for a long moment, then her head turned towards JJ. “Sober the fuck up JJ. You two need to get home” Katie said and JJ shook his head “Fuck that, I’m not going anywhere near this mess.” He said I looked at him and then went to push passed Katie “Fuck you say! Get your shit and take me home mother fucker” I shouted and JJ got to his feet “Fuck you man, what the hell you do leave your bag of weed open in your room?” He asked and before I knew it, I was across the room in his face. It wasn’t anger, or hate, or even me being mad. I was scared, I’ve fucked up a lot in my life, but nothing on this level. I Was scared, we were scared and we were attacking each other to avoid the fear. Dean pulled me back and stood between the two of us, he had a good foot and tons of muscle weight on us, so holding us apart wasn’t all that hard for him. “Cut the shit” He said and I just slapped his hand off my chest and started walking towards the door with my hands on my head “I got to go” JJ pulled his keys out his pocket and quickly pushed passed me “Whatever man.” He said as he ran up the steps from the basement. The car ride back home was long and silent, all I could do was run through the shit show I was about to walk into. Would he send me to rehab or boarding school? Nah he can’t afford boarding school, would he call the cops? I was pretty sure he wouldn’t but then again, I had a drug ring that was in 4 counties. I put my hand over my faces as we came to a stop in front of my house “We’re going to jail” I said and JJ looked over at me “You think he's gonna call the cops?” He asked and I said “I don’t know” JJ and I just sat there in the car, neither of us wanting to face the madness that was about to be dropped upon us. “I’m sorry man.” JJ said and I pushed open the car door “I’m sorry too man.” I said then I slammed the door and started towards my house. When I pushed open the door Dad was standing there just staring at me, and Richie was sitting on the steps shaking his head. I was fighting back the tears that were working their way up to my eyes, I looked over at Richie whose head was shaking as he stared at the steps. I looked back at my dad and he folded his arms over his chest “I understand you helped me build all this. I understand that you’re hurting still, I know I am.” He said and I cut him off “I’m sorry dad, I” My dad shook his head “I don’t want your excuses, Tim. I know you smoke, I’ve always known but I look the other way because you’re a good kid. You’re a good kid that got dealt a shitty hand, so I let you escape. Then you do this? How am I gonna overlook this?” I put my hands over my eyes trying to clear away the tears “I’m sorry dad” I said once again and he shook his head “No you’re not sorry you’re grounded! And I want all those weed brownies back in the fucking shop by morning. I don’t care if you have to remake them, or pick them up from your little friends but” My head popped up in disbelief, I just listened to his go on and on about how I needed to get some brownies back in the display case and then my eyes went over to Richie. I laughed and dropped down to my knees “What the fuck you laughing at?” My dad asked and I shook my head and softly let out. “I'll make some tomorrow, Richie and I will pick up the mix from the store” Richie looked over at me from the steps and he softly mouthed 'I’m sorry' and all I could do was smile at him. My heart started to slow down and the tears just mixed with my laughter “I don’t see what the fuck is so funny” My dad said. He didn’t understand, he couldn’t, his life has never been threatened and saved by a pot brownie. It’s a joke that only a select few understand. “Then Mr. Wonderful, he...he” Richie stopped and sighed “He” I looked over at him from the counter and smiled “breath” I said and he nodded, took a deep breath before letting out “He dropped an elbow for the win” I shook my head “I hate Mr. Wonderful, his moves are so lame” Richie picked up a box of weed brownies and walked to the other side of the shop as he shouted “You’re lame!” I laughed as the shop door opened. Dad had me on house arrest more or less, I was allowed to go to school and come back home and work in the shop till closing. So I would grab the weed for the week, take it to school, split it up with the guys for them to sell and then sit and talk wrestling with Richie for the rest of the day, and sell weed. Which I found funny as shit, my punishment for covering for Richie was to sell weed. I didn’t look at the door when the little bell sounded I just said “Welcome to Rush, where you can get as high as you want, for a low price” I heard a laugh and then “Do they make you say that shit, or did you just make it up?” I looked up to see a caramel goddess standing in front of me, she had jet black hair, tight blue jeans that covered a body my little teen mind was not ready for. When she spoke she had a bit of a Mexican accent. I knew it was Mexican because a lot of the girls back home sounded like her, well she had a little more sex appeal but more or less the same. “Nice shop you guys got here.” She said as the thick heels of her boots clicked across the tan wood of the shop. Richie came walking up slowly to grab another box as I said “Thanks, we just opened up last year. Been doing pretty good for ourselves” She took off her sunglasses and leaned in closer to the bookcase with all the glass pipes as she softly said “I know” Then she turned towards us and smiled “Well damn. Hola Papi” She said as she slowly made her way up to the counter, she rested her leather covered elbows on the glass and cupped her face in her hands as she stared at Richie “How you doing?” she asked and Richie smiled looking down at his feet “I’m fine” he said softly and she smiled “That you are” She said and Richie laughed picking up a box off the floor and walking to the back of the shop. Her eyes were fixed on him till he passed through the back door out of her sight “He’s a cutie. He single?” She asked and the thought kind of shook me a bit. “His, umm” I stopped and thought of the best way to put it and then I just gave up and said “He's recovering from an accident. His mentally not all there” The woman’s eyes went back towards the doorway as she said softly “Poor Papi, what happened?” she asked and I sighed as I said, “A drunk driver hit him and my mom head on.” The woman put her hand over her heart and it pulled my eyes to the necklace that hung between her breast. “That shit’s crazy, how’s your mom?” She asked and I looked down at the counter, her hand went out and rested on mine “I’m sorry” She said softly and I nodded “Me too” I said and slowly pulled my hand away. “Richie’s single and might be that way for a while.” I said and she shook her head. “Sexy beast like him, must hurt thinking that and knowing everyone else believes it.” She said and her words just slapped me in the face. I mean Richie had always been a looker, Mom hated the day she got him a cell phone, the thing didn’t stop vibrating, text after text from a different girl. Yet now, I never even thought about what his future would be like, all I thought about was taking care of him, or how annoying he was being, but I never thought about how lonely he must feel. I just came to terms with him living with dad forever, but I never even thought to ask if he was coming to terms with it or if he even saw his future that way. “I just never thought, I mean it would take a hell of a woman to deal with everything he's going through.” I said and she smiled “He might have just met one” She winked before putting her sunglasses back on. “Right!” I said as she turned back towards the door “People will surprise you, Timmy.” She said as she pushed open the door, the bell rang and I just watched her hips move back and forth until she was gone. I shook my head and leaned over picking up a box “She gone?” I heard from the back of the shop and I laughed “Yeah she’s gone Richie, you can come out now” I said and I saw Richie’s head pop out, I started walking towards him “She liked you, she said you were cute” I said and Richie nodded as he took the box from me and walked into the back storage area “I heard” He said, and my smile dropped “You were listening?” I asked and he nodded as he turned to look at me “I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean” He put his hand on my shoulder and just smiled. I felt like shit that he heard, but Richie was a good guy, he always has been. He wasn’t going to hold onto something like that, well I hoped he wasn’t. The shop phone started ringing and I started heading back to the counter as Richie asked, “How she know your name?” I looked over my shoulder at him “What?” I asked and Richie said “She called you Timmy.” I stopped at the counter with my hand on the phone for a moment as he rung and then I looked back at Richie “I don’t know” I said softly and picked up the phone “Thank you for choosing Rush, this is Tim. How can I help you?” I asked the called and all I heard was laughing in the background “Fuck you JJ” I said, JJ and Dean started calling the shop when they needed me because dad took my phone away for the month. It made business harder to conduct but for the most part, I just dropped the weed off and collected my cash, I let them run the day to day. It was like I was the CEO and I was on a mini-vacation, only to be troubled with the big stuff. “Sorry man, it’s just funny when you say it. What are you doing?” JJ asked and I rolled my eyes “I’m making a porno, what the hell do you think I’m doing?” I said and laughed, JJ laughed too and then I heard Dean shout something in the background “Is that Dean?” I asked and JJ said “Yeah, he just made a new connect, someone that can get us into Denver” Denver is the city and due to it having more people, it had more customers and more cops looking for dealers. I didn’t like the idea of growing in the first place, but I was saving a good amount of money for college and my own car, so I really couldn’t complain. “One of his football buddies?” I asked and JJ laughed “Nah man, some chick he sold to last month” I closed my eyes and sighed “Some random chick wants to help us sell weed to high schools in Denver?” I asked slowly as if I were talking to 3 year old who just shit his pants for the sixth time. JJ sighed “Yeah man.” He said and I put my hand over the phone as I sharply whispered “You two know what we’re doing is illegal right? You just can’t trust everyone off the fucking street!” I heard Dean and JJ talking and then Dean came on the phone “Listen, she’s cool. Trust me, have I done you wrong so far?” Dean asked and I softly said “No” Which was true, as much as I hated it Dean’s been right about everything, his dealers, the locations. The kid was made to push product, I tipped my fingers along the glass of the counter and then said, “Fine, How much she want?” Dean laughed “She wants to meet up first to talk about it all before we really dive into anything.” He said and I sighed “Alright, let me know how it goes.” I said. They didn’t say anything for a minute and then I heard whispering “Hello?” I said and Dean came back on the line “Yeah man, well we thought it would be better if we were all there. You’re the only one that knows how much we can and can’t get or what end of the routine to put her on.” He said we built a nice little system where dealers got their product in a rotating order, that way it won’t look like a lot of weed is missing every week and Dad wouldn’t get wise. I laughed “I’m grounded.” I said and Dean said “So sneak out” I heard JJ say “He’s not gonna do that” I sighed and said “I’ll think of something. Pick me up at the park around 9” Then I hung up the phone. “Richie” I called out in my best little brother voice and Richie came up beside me smiling “Remember how you said you owe me?” I asked and Richie’s smile quickly fell “Yeah” Richie told Dad he really wanted to take me out for ice cream. The old man was trying hard to stand his ground, but he couldn’t say no to Richie. We waited on the swing set for Dean and JJ to pull up “What are we doing?” Richie asked and I smiled “We’re just gonna hang with some friends.” I said and Richie nodded, then he looked over at me “So, no ice cream?” He asked and I laughed “That was your lie, not mine.” I said and Richie looked down at the ground. When JJ pulled up I put my hand on the back of Richie’s neck and laughed “We’ll get you some frozen custard after okay?” I said and Richie nodded. As we walked towards the car I felt a cold wind blew passed us and Richie stopped. I turned around and looked at him “Come on” I said and Richie just looked at me for a moment and then started walking towards the car. “I didn’t know you were bringing Richie” I heard come from the back seat, I leaned in to see Katie sitting there smiling “He was my only way out the house. What you doing here?” I asked and Dean looked over at me from the driver seat “She’s trying to get high after. Fucking pothead” He said and we laughed. “Shut up.” Katie said as we all loaded up into the car. “I don’t get it, Katie. You smoke just as much weed as me. How am I getting F’s and you’re pulling A’s?” JJ asked and Katie turned her head slowly to look out the window “Because I’m smart and you’re not” She said and JJ nodded “That makes sense” We blasted music, we bullshitted, we laughed. It was the kind of moment Richie hadn’t hand in a long time. He was always around Dad or me but tonight he was around people, people that didn’t care how he spoke or how many times he repeated something. Stoners are the best kind of people in my book, the car came to a stop at an empty parking lot of a YMCA. We got out the car one by one, Richie leaned on the car door talking to Katie about Mr. Wonderful and I walked over to Dean on the other side of the car “She’s running late” I said and Dean looked at his watch “Yeah, give it ten more minutes and then we’ll bail” He said and I nodded “How’s your mom?” I asked and he shrugged then folded his arms over his chest. I could see the cold air pushing from his mouth as he said “She’s as good as she can be, I guess” JJ pointed at the entrance to the parking lot “I think that’s her” He said, we saw the bright headlights of a car, I put my hand up to block out the light and said “Richie get in the car” Richie’s hand went to the car door when we heard “Where you going, Papi?” The lights went off and I didn’t have to wait for the spots to leave my eyes to know who it was. I knew by the sound of her voice, it was that hottie from the shop, the one that had a thing for Richie. When my vision cleared up I could see she wasn’t alone. There were two other black vans parked by her car and some nasty looking dudes standing alongside her, ten of them, all tattooed and big as shit. When I saw their guns I took a step back “Don’t fucking move Timmy” She shouted and I froze, it wasn’t till Dean’s cracked voice spoke up that I noticed there was something bloody at the feet of the hottie. “Mom?” Dean said and in that moment we all knew…. This wasn’t a game anymore. Maria, that’s what they called her. As we speed down the highway I felt like the Devil was a more fitting name. Richie was in the back seat crying and we were all screaming about what needed to be done. I wanted to call the cops or tell my dad, Katie said she agreed but it we weren’t driving. Dean was and he was heading right back to Rush. “If we tell the police..” I started to say before Dean cut me off “If we call the police, she’ll kill my Mom. You heard her Tim.” JJ hadn’t said much since we left, I could see his skin turning whiter as every second started to pass, I think he was in shock. “If we call the cops Dean” Katie did her best to support me but Dean wasn’t having it. “No fucking cops!” He screamed back at the backseat. I put my arm around Richie and did my best to calm him down, the blood, the screaming, and the tears, it was like a flash back to the night Mom died. We never talk about that night, but I put everything together from his screams at night. Richie watched her bleed to death, they were trapped in the car for three hours before anyone found them. She was screaming and all Richie could say was the same thing he said every night ‘it’s gonna be alright’ He screamed that every night and as we pulled up to Rush and the car stopped I just whispered “It’s gonna be alright” But he believed it, I wasn’t sure I believed it. “Let’s just get her the weed and the money and be done with it” Dean said as he pushed open the car door. Katie got out of the car and I quickly followed behind shouting “I’m not doing that! I’m calling the cops.” I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and before I saw my screen light up, I felt a sharp pain on the side of my head and then everything went black. “Shut the fuck up!” Dean’s screaming caused me to snap awake and then the pain from my right eye kept me awake. I went to hold my face but when I couldn’t lift my arms. Through my left eye I could see the rope wrapped around me. My head slowly swung to the side and I could see JJ and Dean running through the shop, tossing over things. I moaned and when I did Katie came over. She put her hands over my face “Oh God, his awake” She said, I pulled back from her touch and closed my eyes and forced out “Richie” My left eye opened and I saw Dean staring at me. JJ had a two bags hanging from his shoulder as he said “I got it, let’s get the fuck out of here” Dean nodded and started rushing towards the door, as he ran passed my eyes fell upon a body in the middle of the floor. Laying there in a pool of blood that covered the shiny tan wood was Richie. Katie leaned over to block my view “I’m so sorry Tim” She said and my eye felt like it was on fire as the tears mixed with the blood. “Katie hurry up!” Dean shouted and then Katie jumped up and ran for the door. It all felt like it was happening in slow motion. It was only a few minutes after they left that I started to smell the smoke and feel the heat. “Richie!” I called out to him, the smoke was quickly filling up the room. I could see the light from the fire taking over the darkness of the room. “Richie!” I screamed out again as the burning smoke heated up my lungs. Then I saw him twist in the blood. He coughed, then he slowly started to get to his feet. I watched him stagger from left to right and then slam into the glass counter top. “Richie!” I screamed and he turned around slowly to face me. There was more blood on him than I’ve ever seen before, no movie or picture online could have prepared me for the crack that was in his skull. The fire started to spread and Richie came and was pulling at the ropes, the blood, and the smoke didn’t make it easy. After a few moments, I just coughed out the words “Just go Richie” I felt his hands drop from the ropes. As his hands fell a large part of the roof came caving in one the counter, shattering it. I thought it was over. Then I felt my feet slowly leave the ground, my body was rising in the air. Richie was picking me and the chair up over his head. He tossed me through the glass window and I passed out on the sidewalk covered in blood, surrounded by little glass puzzle pieces that spelled out Rush. I don’t know how I let it get this far. Maybe I just wanted to feel important, maybe I just wanted to have some control after losing my mom. Whatever it was, at the end of it all, I was just a little brother in trouble and my big brother saved me. Richie saved me for the last time.

[yieldacalos]

2016

2016 was a tough year for me. My new years eve on 2015 turned out not so good and my 2016 started... not so well too but despite that, 2016 was a year full of roller coaster rides, first times, surprises, opportunities and new people who’ll be joining my journey in 2017.

There were a lot of things that made me happy and strong last year so I really wanted to jot down all the important events that happened. This is the least thing that I can do for you because I know that the last time I post a long-text-post was ages ago...

January. Well, this is the worst month for me. A lot of people left permanently, lost my trust, hurt, etc. This is a very challenging month and I almost gave up. I tried to travel with my family to make me forget about what happened but I just couldn’t forget it easily. I always fake my happiness and every night I cry. I was really not in myself and forgot to take care of myself. On the bright side, I was drawn closer to God. I came back to the church, attended youth service and spent time with positive people.

February. I can’t say it’s a good month but still glad because I still managed to lead two clubs and made a good contribution to my school. This was the busiest month of my 2016 because it was the foundation month of the school! I managed to lead a Broadway even though I’m a first timer.

March. I completed junior high school! That’s one of the highlight of my 2016. I finished junior high with A’s and without failing grades. I received a lot of certificates and medals too! I also attended the victory weekend and was baptized! and yep, I am now a youth leader!

April. I tried something new. I went out on my shell and participated life academy under drum category. I am really not into this kind of stuff, you know performing up on stage with a lot of people watching me... just the thought of it gives me the feeling of being humiliated but I still pursue because life is too short for staying on your comfort zone, why don’t we try something new?

May. I traveled to Luzon, specifically in Manila with my mom. I tried the famous shabu-shabu and other famous delicacies. I met new people and tried new things. We visited my Nanay (My mommy’s bes tfriend for almost 30 years!) and for the first time I went to casino. I was surprise because I was only 17 y/o (that time) yet I managed to trick the guards. This month was also the month that I performed in front of many people... on the mall! I played Magbalik by Calalily and Akap by Imago in drums. It was pretty basic but it’s really a big thing to me because that was my first time! first time to perform in front of people, first time to get my brows done (lol).

June. Back to school! Well unlike the past back-to-school months, this is one of the days that I feel really nervous because it’s a new atmosphere, a new environment with new people, new ways and new policies... in short it’s a new school. I have a lot of thoughts in my first step of the campus, both positive and negative. I have a lot of adjustments specially with the schedules and their ways of interacting with each other. This was also the month that I felt that ‘tingling sensation’, in short I got a new lovelife! Hahahahaha

July. I was still in the adjustment stage but managed to keep my life going. I’ve met new friends and found a new circle of friends. Weird fact is my ‘circle’ is compose of mostly guys. I am glad that my new classmates accepted me and welcome me warmly. So far I am doing well with my studies.

August. Adjustment stage was almost over but still couldn’t accept the fact that we were obliged to wear ‘katutubo’ or ‘filipininas’ during monday on school. Don’t forget the fact that Philippine is a tropical country and it’s too hot here! Well moving on, the highlight of this month was a friend of ours gave us dogs! we named them Kirby and Sydney (yup, ‘them’ not ‘it’) the last time I had a dog was when I was in 6th grade, her name is Miho but I lost her. She died. I just woke up one morning and found out that our house maid bury her on our backyard.

September. Padula season! I participated to a literary; short film competition as a cinematographer. There were a lot of ups and downs but still my team and I made it ‘til the end. We placed 2nd and it was our first time to join. This was also one of the most dramatic months that I’ve experienced. A lot of tears were wasted to wrong people and etc. and oh, this was also the month that I threw my phone out of anger. Still a good month tho.

October. I’m back at attending youth service but this time with someone so close to my heart. I also got reunited with my junior classmates. This was also the month that I was struggling with my subject Philosophy but then guess what? on the final exam I got 94! This was also the month that I baked oreo stuffed chocolate chip cookie for the first time! plus semester break. Bye bye first semester!

November. The busiest month in Saint Columban College! I’ve participated in different activities like light parade, fun run, and etcetera! It’s very ‘alien’ to me because we always go home around 8 or 9 in the evening. I also did something crazy this month. I surprised Greg with the help of his friends and to tell you guys frankly, it was my first time to surprise a guy! I exerted a lot of efforts and good thing it turned out perfect. Also, hello second semester! New teachers, new classroom, new subjects but still same faces lol. I have 8 subjects. I have 6 majors and 3 of it are science. I find it more challenging because it’s more of us and less of the teachers. A good month, no regrets!

December. Probably the best month so far! This month is full of first times and when I say first times it’s really full of things that I did for the first time! December welcomed me with good moments and happenings. It’s the month wherein Greg’s family knew about me... about us and it’s also the month that we did some crazy things! (Not sexual of course, just crazy things that I don’t have the courage to let you guys know. Well, it’s for us to know and for you guys to find out.). This was the month that I got a new dog and I named her Autumn. Well, my mom and me were arguing about this because she loves to call her Hannah and I think it’s suck so I really fought for the name ‘Autumn’. This was also the month that  first tried viking and piyaya. Greg and I loves to try new things and eat. We love to wander around the city and just try the newest foods in town. We are that ‘adventurous’ lol. This is also the month that Greg’s grandmother died, and we also had the biggest fight. We almost ‘broke up’ (we’re not officially together but... bare with me when I say ‘broke up’ lol) but glad we fixed everything before christmas. This month is really worthy. My Dad came home and bought a lot of presents. My Christmas and my new years eve were really great. This is also the month that I first tried facial, feels like they were murdering my face.

As you can see, my 2016 started bad but I am beyond blessed because it ended really good. Big part of it was probably the people who always believed in me, who never bring me down, who lifted me up and who always support me. I am beyond thankful to  the people who never left, who stayed by my side through thick and thin.

So now, what’s the point of posting this? Well aside from expressing and reminiscing the both good and bad times, I just wanna tell you guys that if you’re experiencing a not so good time today, I want you to know that God has plans for you. Life has a lot of new opportunities, blessings and *insert all the good stuffs in life here* and at the same time, life is f ull of trials, struggles and challenges too. You just need to be strong and wiser. Problems are tough but I am telling you, you are tougher.

Thanks 2016, you were awesome but now I am letting you go. Here’s for a new year with new opportunities, blessings and most of all challenges! I am so excited to face you all because I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

God Bless everyone!