#you know there’s no evidence of any cis woman ever ever complaining about being on the same ward as a trans woman

[jettison-my-gift]

I’m just so tired of our government’s visceral hatred of trans people. I’m tired of having to justify my right to exist, to be allowed to be seen and respected. I’m tired of people who know nothing about what it’s like to be trans making our lives harder cos they just don’t like the idea of us. I’m tired of waking up every morning and reading about a new way the government wants to make us suffer. I’m tired of being thrown under buses and pointed at, whilst they pile refugees into floating prisons and claim that being gay in a country where you could be killed for it isn’t reason enough to want to leave that country. But no it’s trans people who are the threat. I don’t want to fight this fight anymore. I’m just so tired. I just want to exist. Quietly.

[velvetvexations]

I'm a trans woman who's dealt with extremely intense "social murder" and years of ongoing harassment when I was a teenager and young adult, so consider that as I explain why literally everything you've just said is whinging nonsense.

As much as people claim that transmisogny and other internal prejudices are just the domain of the terminally online

No one claims that.

I've seen trans women be abused and socially annihilated by trans guys on a whim

Can you care a bit more about trans women being Actual Murdered and not just obsess over bad breakups?

The idea that trans women hold any amount of power over trans men

No one is positing that idea.

and he undermined me at every turn, determined to keep gender as this ineffable essence precisely because it benefits people like him if it's kept that way.

I hope you've fully recovered from the time that horrible monster basically hate crimed you by having a different perspective on if gender is objectively real or not. <3

(it isn't, by the way, I hope me saying that doesn't make you drop to your knees in sobbing terror)

I came to university expecting revolutionary action

Why?

Yet, despite how self-evident this all is, I still see people online making the insane argument that transmisogny isn't real

You're either lying or have the poorest reading comprehension it's possible to have because nooooooooo one is saying that.

Maybe it's uncharitable, but I see no difference between this male exceptionalism and any other attempt to elevate the comparatively minor inconveniences that men suffer from Patriarchy to the very real and deadly violence that women suffer from it.

Trans men have the highest rate of sexual assault and suicide among trans people, and yes, it's bad for trans women too, I never think arguing about who has it worse is a good or productive thing to do, but genuinely fuck you, you are literally evil for calling what trans men deal with "comparatively minor inconveniences."

Trans guys will degrade themselves by invoking some essence of womanly victimhood in order to undermine and revoke the womanhood of trans women.

No, they don't.

They do it because they know that being a woman is better than being a freak and by pretending to be the former they can force trans women into the latter, thus exposing them to much worse violence.

Why, Karen? Are they all just fucking sadists?

All they had left was quiet communities.

Are you writing a fucking poem? You don't have to put this much English on it.

These brothers betrayed their sisters and became accomplices in their systemic social murder.

This is literally all you people ever fucking complain about because you know spreading gossip is the extent of what societal harm any trans person can do to another and you care more about powerjacketing people within your community to paint yourself as an innocent victim of those just as marginalized as you than you care about, again, Actual Murder. There is a g e n o c i d e against all trans people occurring? Do you care about that at all?

Despite my anger and grief, I still love trans men.

No, you don't.

Because like it or not, trans men are the men of trans people

No, you're simply obsessed with having the Wymbyn experience 1:1 and don't find the hellish oppression cis men and women alike put us through enough so you need someone to be the cis men to your cis woman because you can't conceptualize being a woman any other way.

If you want our trust

You don't have to worry about that, your absence from people's social circles is net positive everyone else is very grateful for.

As much as people claim that transmisogny and other internal prejudices are just the domain of the terminally online, the reality is just so much worse. As a poor trans woman, nothing will radicalise you more than going to university and seeing how tme people treat tma people when they have no community to protect them.

I've seen trans women be abused and socially annihilated by trans guys on a whim, because even if a trans guy doesn't pass well enough to access male privilege he can always leverage the instability of a trans woman's womanhood to paint her as a monster, no matter the circumstances. A trans woman is the only type of woman you can easily sexually abuse and then smear as a rapist when she speaks out about it.

The idea that trans women hold any amount of power over trans men is infuriating precisely because it flies in the very face of everything you can see happening to your sisters day by day. I've tried discussing materialist transfeminist theory with a trans guy -- the same one who abused and alienated that women -- and he undermined me at every turn, determined to keep gender as this ineffable essence precisely because it benefits people like him if it's kept that way.

I came to university expecting revolutionary action and what I got was a bunch of misogynists rebranding ancient sexist tropes to me and dismissing my every attempt to organise. The reality is that privileged queer people will fight you at every turn when you do anything which upsets the power balance that allows them to exploit those beneath them without consequences.

Yet, despite how self-evident this all is, I still see people online making the insane argument that transmisogny isn't real or that it's equal to "transandrobrobia" or "transmisandry". Maybe it's uncharitable, but I see no difference between this male exceptionalism and any other attempt to elevate the comparatively minor inconveniences that men suffer from Patriarchy to the very real and deadly violence that women suffer from it.

Trans guys will degrade themselves by invoking some essence of womanly victimhood in order to undermine and revoke the womanhood of trans women. This isn't internalised transphobia, it's a deliberate act of violence. They do it because they know that being a woman is better than being a freak and by pretending to be the former they can force trans women into the latter, thus exposing them to much worse violence.

Trans women are women, that means they are the intended targets of misogyny. Nothing about it is accidental. Trans men are men, that means they are just as capable of wielding Patriarchy against women. This includes trans women.

I've lost sisters in my community. They were good women who never hurt anyone and they were systemically torn apart limb by limb from every possible support system. All they had left was quiet communities. Communities which these men weaponised against them. These brothers betrayed their sisters and became accomplices in their systemic social murder.

Despite my anger and grief, I still love trans men. Just as I love men in general, no matter how naive it may feel at times. But I will always be afraid of what they can do to my sisters and I. We will never be safe in our own community unless trans men learn to listen to us and call out this behaviour when it happens.

Because like it or not, trans men are the men of trans people and they do have power over trans women. If you want our trust then you have to earn it. We want to trust our brothers, we really do. So, don't be another reason why we don't.

[angelsonneptune]

What’s ur opinion on Rad feminist / feminist? The phrase “I hate all men, Kill all men, men suck, etc” always makes me so sad as a male. I would hope only a very small minority of women actually think this or say it. I hope most women love ❤️ men just like how most men love 💗 women.

.·:*¨༺ I was actually planning on making a long post on my views of sexism, but I decided against it. Since you asked me this question, I took it as a sign to put my thoughts out there. So, this post will probably be pretty lengthy. I’ll try to cover everything I see necessary ༻¨*:·.

TW// MENTIONS OF RAPE, SEXUAL ASSUALT, & ABUSE

I’ve actually made a few posts about my distaste for modern day feminism, really just radical feminism. As i’ve said, “feminism” now, is nothing but well disguised misogyny, and blatant misandry. Majority of the self proclaimed feminists do not, in any way, think for themselves. There is no genuine concern for women amongst them. They simply want to appear self righteous, as majority of people online do anyways. They see how society perceives these words and actions, and jump on the “worship” or “hate” train, as soon as they see others doing so. You’ll see “feminists” praising any woman who simply says “I hate men”, but then soon realizing that words like that, mean nothing, and that most “activists” are frauds. Julia Fox is the perfect example. She was heavily praised for her anti-men rhetoric, but then immediately hated after working and sticking up for a designer, who has many allegations of sexual assault on his hands. What many fail to realize is that, those in the limelight, sometimes know exactly what the public want to hear, and will say what they need, to be perceived as a “good person”. Your words or posts on social media mean, relatively nothing, in regards to activism.

Radical Feminists will speak on how the media is inherently misogynistic, as it pits women against each other; yet at the same time, they devoured the Selena vs. Hailey “feud” online. A completely fabricated story. There was absolutely no evidence of Hailey ever bullying Selena. Not even that, but even if Selena and Hailey were to have a feud, it’s no one’s business but theirs. You would see, and will still see, people irrationally attack and bully Hailey. They tried to make her feel inferior to Selena in any way that they could; from body shaming, to name calling, to dialing her down to just being a wife, the list goes on and on. Yet, they claim to be feminists? All of that behavior directly combats what feminism is really about.

They complain about how the media attacks women for the bare minimum, but yet again, feed into the exact same behavior they are ridiculing. Lily Rose Depp, in an interview, stated her opinions on being called a “nepotism baby”. She spoke about how she felt people were not seeing that she has worked very hard to get where she is. Did her opinion come from a lack of understanding of different perspectives? Very much so. Was that an excuse for people to viciously attack her? Absolutely not. Yet, you’d see “feminists” online do that exact thing. You can disagree with someone and still be poised, elegant, and respectful. These peoples concerns are nothing but deceit. They want to be perceived as so passionate about their concern for others, but their passion is just hatred and negativity.

I especially oppose anti-trans radical feminists. These feminists will say “real women” are women with periods, who can give birth, who have uteruses, or who have vaginas. This is the same rhetoric used by misogynists. They dial down women to nothing but our reproductive organs, which is inherently sexist. Not to mention, there are cis women who cannot give birth or have periods. As well as women who don’t have uteruses. It’s completely hypocritical.

ೃ⁀➷ You see, misogyny is noticeably oppressive, because it very obviously restricts women. Female gender roles holds women to extremely strict standards. Women must be virgins, they must be homemakers, they must be perfectly beautiful, and they must be responsible, and mature from a young age. Misandry however; is oppressive, due to the fact that the gender roles for men, are not oppressive at all. People even confuse it for “liberation”. Which is why it’s so easily overlooked. Men are not held to any standards, the most horrid behavior in men, is excused; there is no accountability.

It is my belief that something cannot exist without both the feminine and masculine element. By feminine and masculine, I do not mean, man and woman necessarily, but that sexism is not black and white. Sexism is not man versus woman. It is much larger than that; it is a societal issue. Where you will have misogyny, you will always have misandry as well; neither can exist without the other. In terms of abuse and predatory behavior, it is often over looked in regards to men. People will argue that “men are inherently sexual beings” to excuse rape and sexual assault. They will say “Biologically, men are dominating, aggresive, and purely logical creatures”, to excuse physical, mental, financial, and emotional abuse. I’ve even seen people excuse pedophillia in men, by saying that “men are inherently pedophilic in nature” due to the idea that younger girls are “more fertile”.

These are all, not only obviously misogynistic; as it is a lack of care or concern for girls and women, but overlooked misandry. To say that a man is inherently abusive or pedophilic, is sexism. Yet, time and time again, I see people excusing horrible behaviors in men, as something that is inherent to them. It’s inherently our burden, as women and girls, to deal with their “bad behavior”. The saying “boys will be boys” is nothing but to excuse those behaviors, to say that they are inherently bad, and monstrous. Another example, is the aversion society has to having baby girls, as opposed to having baby boys. They say that boys are just, “easier to raise”, than girls. The only reason for that is, they allow it to be that way. They are tolerant of the misbehavior of little boys, as opposed to the misbehavior of girls. Radical feminists, ironically enough, tend to agree with these statements. That men are inherently abusive and sexual deviants. Many radical feminists do not realize that these beliefs are backhanded; it’s not just misandry, but misogyny as well. It’s just another way for women to disguise their unhealed wounds, as concern for other women.

╰┈➤ This extends into male rape victims not being taken seriously, due to men inherently being seen as “sexual beings”. Little girls are forced to be women at such a young age, by society hypersexualizing them (their bodies being seen as inherently taboo and tempting), and blaming them for any rape or sexual assault. While little boys are forced to be men from such a young age, due to being forced into hyper-sexualizing themselves, and excusing that predatory behavior. With these oppressive gender roles, they are always on the opposite ends of the radical spectrum. Men being forced to be promiscuous, and women being forced to remain virgins. If either of them break that gender role, they are chastised and shunned. You can apply this to every sexist societal norm.

There is an immense amount of hateful people in society. People have inexplicable wounds down to their core, that they either; don’t know how to heal, or are too afraid to try to heal. Those never healed wounds are morphed into negativity, bigotry, and hatred; which is directly reflected into society. To say “I hope most women love men, just like how most men love women”. I don’t particularly agree, due how much bigotry and hatred there still is in the world towards women as well. There is still femicides happening around the world. There is still an immense amount of misogyny, even in first world countries. There are platforms for misogynists; like Andrew Tate, Sneeko, JustPearlyThings, Fresh & Fit, Kevin Samuels, in which all have enormous followings. All very obviously contribute to misogyny, and discrete misandry.

Truth is, everyone has bias. Most people have a lot of internalized sexism. I am not going to exclusively talk about sexism in men or women, because this entire post would be another to simply please the masses. As women can be misogynistic, just as much as men can. Men can be misandrists, just as much as women can. Again, sexism is not black and white. If someone is misogynistic, they are misandrists as well.

⋰ ⋰ A radical feminist’s hatred for men, is a direct response to the trauma of sexism that women face from such a young age. Their resentment is just being put in the wrong place. Men are not the enemy, but society itself. Our hatred needs to be towards gender roles and societal perception, not the people themselves; as that will get us no where near the progression we desire.

This is what true feminism is about. Deconstruct gender roles. Release oppression from women and men. You cannot get rid of misogyny without getting rid of misandry as well. We have to combat gender roles all together. No one should be manipulated and forced into being someone they are not. Gender roles does nothing but harm to all. Children shouldn’t be forced into perceiving their bodies as inherent sexual objects. Society shouldn’t see our bodies as only machines for reproduction. We are a lot more than just our bodies, and what they can accomplish. Before you are a man, or a woman; before you are your race, religion, or identity; you are a human being, and all humans deserve to be treated with the same respect, boundaries, and standards.

My point is that, nowadays, many people are extremely disingenuous in their activism. This generation is obsessed with being perceived as morally superior. They don’t care if they engage in vile behaviors, as long as they are on the “right side”. Due to social media, it’s extremely easy for them to appear morally right, instead of thinking for themselves and doing the work, to actually be that way. Any chance they can get, negative people will go to where that hateful, and vile behavior is seen as acceptable. So I hope that whoever reads this, does a bit of self reflecting, and decides to be a positive force that fights bias, negativity, and emotional immaturity in the world.

✧✦

[wolf-queer-discourse]

Adventures in Aphobia #1

So I was scrolling through Tumblr the other day (a regrettable mistake as always), and I had the great pleasure of seeing this joyous post.

*deep breath*

Not gonna lie, posts like this make me real pissed. Pissed because the person who posted this exists in a space where they feel comfortable enough to post this online. Pissed because these posts are so common and often face little backlash. And pissed because there’s nothing better than allosexuals condescendingly explaining to asexual people why they’re dirty attention whores who invent their own oppression. Ace people deserve to be defended against this horseshit. Young people see these posts, and it’s extremely damaging to have your identity be nothing more than fuel for people in discourse to mock you and demand you bled in order for them to notice your pain.

Anger aside, many people do not see why this post is wrong, so why is it? Let’s unpack this clusterfuck of bigotry:

“would love to see substantive evidence of systematic “aphobia” that isn’t actually just misogyny, toxic masculinity, or rpe culture.”

God damn, we are not mincing our words here XD. A few things: systematic in bold, which tells you if you do not make a blood sacrifice on the altar of queer pain you will not be taken seriously. Potential nitpick, but systemic and systematic are not the same thing. I believe systemic is the word they’re looking for. Systematic implies a lot more intentionality that can be hard to prove. Systemic merely means that systems, in their current state, do aphobic things, which they absolutely do.

“Aphobia” in quotes is absolutely rich. Not only will this person refuse to acknowledge systemic aphobia, which is only one type, but this poster casts clear doubt upon the mere concept of aphobia in and of itself. We love to see it.

There’s a lot to unpack here. The statement, as clearly condescending as intended, is sort of correct, though it doesn’t mean a whole lot. Systemic oppression is about the systems in a society (government, healthcare, etc) discriminating against people. Systemic oppression is not bigotry faced on a person-to-person level. In short, systematic oppression is something a person experiences in their overall life, while personal discrimination is experienced on a personal level by people who are not singularly in control of the systems. This post boils down the negative comments ace people face into being called “weird”, which is an understatement for sure, but calling a gay person weird isn’t systemic oppression either.

It’s still bad and discriminatory.

This is such a snotty way to dismiss aphobia as some mere, insignificant comment with no meaning as if it doesn’t reinforce society’s painful aphobic views in the same way casual homophobic comments reinforce heteronormativity and society’s hostility toward gay people.

Ace people face discrimination in healthcare, most notably, which is systemic discrimination, but the systemic discrimination of asexuals really ought to be its own post if I’m to nosedive into it. Even if ace people faced no systemic discrimination, it wouldn’t make this point anymore correct. Discrimination is a perfectly valid reason to feel disregarded by society, and often only ace people are denied the right to feel this way and are instead gaslit into admitting what they face is no big deal and they’re just making it up for attention.

The experience of being pressured to have sex when you’re allo vs ace is very different. The vast majority of allo people do not plan to be celibate their whole lives. Many ace people do not want to have sex, ever. “Waiting for sex” in much of western society and in Christianity is seen as pure and honorable. Yet being asexual and never wanting sex is seen as a deviant disorder and people are accused of robbing their partner of sex forever.

There’s really a specific flavor of sexual pressure that is unique to ace people. Sex being to “fix” someone or because they “just need to try it”.

In this respect, aphobic sexual pressure is better compared to that faced by gay people and lesbians. Lesbians especially often can face this same struggle, men pressuring them to have sex because they think lesbians just need to “try it” or to “fix them”. I can imagine this poster would have no issue acknowledging lesbophobia being the root of lesbians coerced into sex with men, yet she does not give ace people the same.

Imagine if someone said (and knowing our fucked world, someone probably has): “Lesbophobia doesn’t exist. It’s just misogyny. Straight women are coerced into sex too!”

It’d be pathetic bullshit. Toxic masculinity, misogyny and many other issues can all tangle into combined messes with other forms of bigotry. Lesbophobia is an experience that deserves to be recognized apart from misogyny, even if the two are linked. Please stop erasing ace people’s experiences with this when it’s not the same thing.

Honestly, though, this post, as trashy as it is, if anything, is perhaps, really asking: Is there any type of aphobic experience that’s inherently exclusive to ace people?

I still wager to go say, yes, yes there is, but I must make an important point first:

Most experiences of queer discrimination are not limited to queer people.

Homophobia and transphobia are both experienced by cishets in certain instances. Feminine straight men can be victims of homophobic harassment. This does not disprove the fact that it’s homophobia just because a straight man is the victim of it. A tall cis woman with broad shoulders and a lower voice may be the victim of transphobic remarks or comments. The basis of these comments is rooted in transphobia, however, so the fact that the victim is cis does not erase the transphobia.

People who argue that experiences ace people complain about can be experienced by allosexuals are not poking a legitimate hole in doing this. Certain experiences related to aphobia can and are experienced by allosexuals. If you do not acknowledge this, then homophobia and transphobia aren’t real because cishet people have sometimes experienced them.

Despite cishets sometimes experiencing queerphobia, most of us acknowledge that their experience of that bigotry, however unfortunate, is not the same as that experienced by actual queer people. It’d be quite homophobic for a feminine straight man to claim he knew just as much about the gay experience as an actual gay man. Similarly, when allosexual people relate experiences that were rooted in aphobia, it’s overstepping a line when they claim asexual discrimination isn’t real because they experienced elements of it too.

Cishet (cishet including allosexuals) people do not experience their doctors telling them their sexuality might be a disorder or caused by trauma. Allo queer people can experience this with their sexualities too.

“using sex appeal to sell products is misogyny, it is not engineered to gross sex-repulsed people, it is meant to objectify women.”

This is a strawman thinner than my last nerve. Uh, what? What ace people are you seeing that literally think sex appeal was engineered to gross-out sex-repulsed people?? I don’t think this is a core argument??

Yes, sex-repulsed ace people sometimes complain about sex appeal in media being uncomfortable. But that’s it. Every time an ace person shares a discomfort of theirs doesn’t mean it’s the entire basis of their oppression. For the love of God, let ace people discuss their experiences without being blow-torched over not being oppressed enough with an individual discomfort. 

BONUS ROUND

(This was in the tags)

“Completely vilifies celibate individuals” 

...no…? What…? Huh…? 

The most charitable interpretation of this vague accusation is that the poster means celibate people face aphobia as well, due to not wanting to have sex. I have no idea how this “vilifies” anyone, but that aside, as said before: people who are not queer can face aphobia. Also worth noting that society treats celibate people way better than ace people, which is really another example of aphobia. Celibate people can be told they’re missing out (which could be at very least related to aphobic ideals), but they’re rarely called broken. Celibacy is seen more as a respected, controlled ideal in allo people, but when ace people want to do it, they’re just mentally ill.

Anyway, the post was aphobic trash, and it needs to be debunked more often. Mocking ace people online is not a good look anymore, guys. Don't be ugly.

[theyarebothgunshot]

I’d be very interested in your thoughts on the JIB8 cockles panel. just a suggestion for your rewatch 👀

i’ve seen the jib8 panel so many times, because it’s honestly one of the wildest things i have ever seen and i just never get tired of it. 

first of all i want to give you my take on the overall vibe, and then second of all i will get into the details and link to certain timestamps in the video. 

disclaimer: i am not gonna be linking to every single thing i talk about, but i will try my best to link to the moments that stand out to me the most. i have read long posts about this panel before, so not everything in this post is gonna be original or said for the first time ever, simply because there is a good chance that information has stuck in my mind and has subconsciously formed my view of this panel. this is also in no way, shape or form gonna be coherent, unfortunately. i’m just gonna hope that the cockles hivemind will be able to make sense of this regardless. love and light. and lastly, this is all in good fun, so don’t come at me if you think this is too out there please and thank you.

fun fact: i was today years old when i found out that the airbnb story took place one day before this panel. what a sexually charged weekend that was for them dude (gn).

the vibe that i get from this panel is that their moods were off before they got on stage, and where misha kind of looks tired and not 100% enthusiastic about things, jensen apparently decided to get drunk and is trying to make it look like he is thriving. yet, a little while into the panel we learn that it has been an emotional rollercoaster of a day for him, which might have something to do with the overall mood. then again, it could be that something else happened in between the autographs and that panel, who is to say?

i have talked about the d/s subtones in their interactions before and this panel makes my radar ping like nobody’s business. if my interpretation of their dynamics is right, then one could assume that jensen was being very bratty on purpose, trying to stir up a reaction in misha, and i think he probably got what he wanted (more or less. maybe he thought misha would find it more amusing than he did, or but honestly, at that point they have already known each other for nearly 10 years so odds are he knew what he was doing and how misha would react to it. it would surprise me greatly if these two didn’t work out their mutual frustrations with the day and each other after this panel ended- in the bedroom.)

i genuinely think i have never seen jensen flirt more openly and aggressively with misha, ever, and i have never seen misha in the state he was in during this panel either: tired, a little annoyed about the fact that jensen was going off the deep end and that he was not able to stop him, to the point where he just gives up and says things like ‘when in rome’ etc. let’s get into it. 

the mood is set from the very first second: misha is kinda subdued, and jensen is being a bit of a clown, coaxing misha to join him in the madness, which he does to a certain extent. 

we are off to a great start with not just one [0m15s], but two [0m20s] moments in which i just know in my bones they wanted to hold hands. how do i know? because i have been there my fucking self. wanting to hold hands with your crush when you are drunk and acting silly is a love language okay.

as soon as they sit down, misha tries to make conversation and jensen just starts pushing him and pushing him, [1m11s] saying ‘shut up’ and ‘yeah it’s really stupid and it embarrasses me’, but misha tries to ignore it at first and just marches on through. which is probably why i never see people talk about that little comment. it embarrasses jensen when misha sits like that? why would he need to feel embarrassed by his friend’s actions? kinda weird tbh, sounds like husband behavior to me. i have a feeling that when misha said ‘by which he means it’s an innie’, jensen REALLY had to bite on his tongue not to go all ‘you weren’t complaining this morning’ or something like that. look at his face bro [1m55s]. 

and then jensen opens up his legs like the little tramp (affectionate) that he is and when misha tries to stop him he just TURNS to misha with said open legs like a mad man and goes ‘here’s the thing. pick a leg.’ [2m05s] LIKE? who DOES THAT? that is insane people behavior!!! admittedly i am a cis woman and i don’t have conversations with male friends about their bodily anatomy all that often, but i legit cannot phatom that this is a normal thing to talk about with your platonic buddy. pick a leg for me to rest my dick on, old buddy old pal. NOBODY DOES THAT. it’s not even something that i would consider flirting because even though i am into men, i would not find that arousing? so it’s either an action to provoke annoyance in misha or it’s something they have discussed before or both. because misha immediately understands what he means, starts shaking his head in frustration, and actually turns to jensen as if to say ‘are you fucking kidding me right now? really? you are really doing this?’ followed by a ‘this is making me feel so uncomfortable’ aka one of the phrases they both like to use even though they never mean it. 

then when jensen actually goes up to do his ridiculous mating dance and sits back down again, he automatically sits down with his body turned towards misha. 

quick side note: if anybody understands what the joke was about when they talked about ‘cas has big dolls’ i would love to hear it, because that has never made any sense to me, but it’s probably a me problem lmao. 

when misha goes ‘could you watch your language please’ i think that’s a sign that he is genuinely getting a bit frustrated [4m53s] with jensen even though he is obviously playing it off as a joke. right after he says that, jensen puts his fingers against his mouth, as if to shut himself up. i know that a lot of people don’t wanna read too much into body language but hey, i am writing an analysis here so work with me for a sec: i think that could be a subconscious decision to listen to what misha is telling him to do, which ties into the d/s dynamics i’ve mentioned earlier. 

i know people always go crazy when misha goes ‘what did i tell him’ [5m19s] and jensen whispers in his ear. i personally think misha probably told him about the fact that they booked kansas the band, but it’s still pretty telling that that is how misha would react to the question if something he told him is public knowledge. evidently that goes to show that there is enough that misha tells jensen that cannot be shared with the public, which i thought is interesting. 

now that i am watching it again, the ‘j*red would have just said it’ comment kind of stumbles around in my brain asking me to dissect it. let’s just say that i wouldn’t be surprised if they were both thinking back on the many, many times that j*red put his foot in his mouth and made a suggestive comment about jensen and misha’s relationship. 

god i just cringed [6m14s] watching jensen interact with that first girl who asked a question and he just goes off on her about how twins are cool and misha is shaking his head lord oh lord and that is the minute daniella decides that hey maybe they need even more alcohol lmfaoooo it’s a lot. poor misha i genuinely feel bad for him.

and then he goes ‘real men have twins’ and looks at misha and misha is still not having it so he goes ‘it’s just a shirt’ like girl (gn) pleASE that’s husband behavior, yet again, why else would he feel the need to clarify it. ‘look babe don’t be mad or jealous i don’t mean anything by it, it’s just a shirt’ i hate him. 

i just know misha would have wanted to take the apple juice away from jensen lmao. 

one of the moments [9m35s] that always stands out to me is when they go ‘that’s why we don’t bring steven’ ‘that’s right, that’s why he’s not allowed’ idk how to explain it but the way that just flows out of them so naturally feels very coupley for some reason.

i think we can all agree that jensen’s reaction [12m22s] to misha’s ‘i always wear orange underwear’ story is completely fake, right? because there is no way he didn’t know that, and his reaction was very exaggerated. plus, the little gesture to make misha show his underwear? bitch, please. whipped. there was also exactly zero reason for him to come that close to misha in order to inspect the color of his underwear.

the one thing that i wonder about, though, is why misha didn’t know jensen was wearing the famous underbear briefs? but as i am writing this i realise that even if they slept in the same hotel room, there are obviously a few different possible reasons why misha didn’t know what underwear jensen was wearing that day: either jensen showered and changed in the bathroom, so by the time he faced misha again he was fully dressed, or misha had to leave their hotel room earlier than jensen, or jensen changed while misha showered, etc etc. 

in any case……. jensen dropping trou in the middle of this fucking panel? absolutely batshit insane, 10/10 thank you for your service nesnej. 

this [13m54s] is where shit really starts to hit the fan. jensen is OUT OF CONTROL. the long stares??? the ‘rawr’s??? ‘you didn’t even get the full picture’??? (sidenote i would love to know what misha whispered to him right after).

OKAY so. when the girl mentions j*red and jensen goes all Knowing What’s Up and says ‘oh he has had a rough time today. misha kept us up way too late last night. *glances at misha* rrrrrrr’ listen. the only reason i am not reading too much into this is because i do not believe they had a threesome with j*red but also the way he said it was very sus and my mind can’t help but wonder if they were disgustingly flirty and way too touchy feely in front of j*red whilst drunk and honestly that’s probably the case.

of course this is followed [15m15s] by the insane man saying ‘by the way they go down to here’??? and the potentially whispered ‘i’ll show you later’?????? sir i have a lot of questions. number one: how dare you? 

bless this next person for this question, because she starts her sentence with: ‘people who have been together for a long time…’ i actually already made a post about this once so i implore you all to read that because i still stand by what i said in there.

it is of course followed by them both not being able to think about ANYTHING appropriate to say to the question if there is anything they only do in front of each other that doesn’t involve pants. and then misha goes ‘why don’t i just share a private moment that we had’ and jensen’s first instinct is to say ‘shit’. i mean. i am merely perceiving. 

this is the moment we realise that it has been quite The Day for them, but especially for jensen, because he has been emotional earlier in the day. which, again, could explain his demeanor during the panel. trying to distract himself. notice that he gets up and shakes his legs again and goes for a drink the second misha starts to tell the story: coping mechanisms aka distraction, just like he did at the start of the panel. 

the moment where he goes ‘it’s hitting me now. shit.’ really solidifies this theory for me, that he has been acting like a goofy drunken guy all panel, in order to drown out the emotions he felt that afternoon, but alas. once he started to talk about it, it still all came back to him. 

i will say this though: it kind of warms my heart that he was so touched by the fact that the fandom spawned something good. makes me feel slightly less dumb for forming parasocial relationships with that man. only slightly, but still. 

misha going ‘god he’s so grouchy’ [25m32s]? say it with me, folks: husband behavior. once again misha tries to talk jensen down and jensen listens (sort of). say it with me, folks: d/s behavior. and RIGHT after that jensen walks towards misha with this intense fucking stare in his eyes that makes me feel like i am intruding, and then after he gets another drink (nesnej, why?) he just. gently massages misha’s neck and shoulder before draping his arm around him? and his hand lingers when he goes to grab the keychain? okay. 

insert the famous ‘when in rome’ debacle lmao misha was so done with jensen by then it’s so hilarious. the funny thing is that misha says ‘what i mean is show each other our underwear, nothing weird. you can’t look at me like that, because of what you did’, while the question was ‘what would dean and cas do in rome’ and not ‘what would jensen and misha do in rome’ but clearly, once again, the actors cannot make a distinction between the two. interesting :) it also wouldn’t surprise me if jensen has told him to tone down the dean/cas answers but now that jensen decided to fully flash him on stage misha is like ‘sorry but i am not playing by your rules after what you did’ lmao. of course, jensen’s reaction is to go back to parting his legs for misha, like he is challenging him. i mean. you can’t make this shit up. 

am i the only one who thinks that jensen might be thinking dirty thoughts when misha repeats ‘what would dean and cas do’ [27m50s]? because like. that’s quite a face he is making.

when he says ‘i don’t know how to answer that’ and misha agrees, idk, for some reason i get the feeling that that’s in the sense of ‘i don’t know how to answer that in a way that won’t get our fans’s hopes up because we know what they would want and we know what we would answer but we can’t go there’. 

i really feel like the final straw for daniella was the way that jensen reacted to that last question like he was gonna have another breakdown lmao and that’s why the rest of the cast and crew were pushed onto the stage prematurely. because when you think about it, it’s a pretty rude thing to do when somebody is still answering a question? but okay. 

listen - the last 6 minutes of this panel are so chaotic sdjfhsjh the only thing i can conclude from it is that jensen is hella drunk but we’ve been knew. his mood changes by the fucking second. i love him and his little dance and how he sits down on the stage. i feel like i might be jensen coded when i am drunk. i too get slutty and unpredictable. 

so anyways long story short: jensen was hella drunk and wanted to provoke misha, it worked, they had hot sweaty sex after this panel, and the fact that jensen got drunk enough to entrust misha with taking care of shit during the panel makes me very emotional for some reason, and i just love them a lot. thank you for coming to my ted talk. 

[lilaachearts-archived]

( lee chaeyoung / isa , cis woman ) have you seen BORA HO ? i heard SHE is an ASTROPHYSICS MAJOR at EVERGREEN UNIVERSITY and a VOLUNTEER at the SAN VERTO LIBRARY. they’re 21 years old and they’ve been living in san verto for 3 YEARS. they tend to be CALM & CHARISMATIC, but rumor has it they can also be OPINIONATED & UNFORGIVING. [ tally, 25, GMT+4, she/her ] @foolsstarters​

tw // brief mention of abuse

bora ho –– lee chaeyoung / isa fc

nicknames: idk give her nicknames

birthday: january 1st, 2000 - 21 yrs old ; capricorn

cis woman, she/her, bisexual

born in brooklyn, new york.

past !

bora’s mother wanted her youngest child, and only daughter, to be nothing short of prim and proper. and all her life, as much as she hated it, the young girl went along with it; going by her parents’ very traditional and outdated rules for her own personal safety. unlike her oldest brother, she hated every bit of it. and unlike her second oldest brother, yooseung, she knew how to keep it together and go with the flow for her survival in a house where their parents weren’t afraid of using extreme methods behind closed doors. 

bora was calm, collected, and despite being so restricted by rules, she did things her own way. she was a straight A student, especially in subjects that her peers hated. physics and chemistry were things she especially excelled at. although her teachers would accuse her of cheating on her tests because she was skipping classes whenever she felt like it. bora would respond saying that it wasn’t that hard for her to catch up. she had a talent for learning quickly, anyways. 

bora had a hard time being close to anyone in her family. she had a tendency of pretending to like her cousins or other family members just for the sake of keeping her ‘good girl’ reputation going. the only person in her family that she truly got along with was yooseung. the two shared secrets, had a similar sense of humor, and they even talked about how they both wanted to leave and live freely somewhere else. the latter happened for yooseung pretty soon, and he was away in california without taking bora with him. of course, she was upset about it at first, but she understood after a while. especially when he kept in contact and visited brooklyn sometimes. 

behind her polished facade, bora had a plan, and she needed to get on with it as soon as she turned eighteen. she was sick of living like this. she had a lot of money saved up; courtesy of her parents giving her a few bills whenever she said she didn’t have any lunch money. she could admit that as the youngest child, she was a bit spoiled. her dad could barely say no if she pouted. and she was packing up her things slowly but surely, keeping her bags hidden away until the day came for her escape.

no one could’ve seen it coming. bora was seen as the family’s good girl who was always on her best behavior. she was even expected to start working in her family’s business after majoring in one of the best universities in new york. but when everyone woke up, she was nowhere to be found. her things and her car had disappeared as well. her mother insisted on filing her as missing, but nothing could be done, because she was technically an adult now, and it was evident that she deliberately left on her own. 

a few months of driving from city to city, staying with friends and random motels here and there, she finally made her way to san verto, california, where her brother, yooseung, lived. he had no idea she was even coming here, only knowing about her disappearing from home. and since her arrival in town, she never thought she wanted to go live somewhere else. she was used to living in a big city, but she loved the small town. 

hcs !

bora is a good actress. she could lie to you for her own gain, and a lot of the time people didn’t even realize it.

she studies astrophysics, after yooseung decided to pay for her college education, which she didn’t like the idea of at first. 

bora’s definitely the smarter one out of the two siblings LMAO. compared to yooseung, she loved reading and educating herself about new things she was interested in. she’s currently volunteering at the library in her free time. 

speaking of yooseung and lying... this bitch would support any ridiculous lies he was spewing. 

you’ll never catch her slipping! she always wants to look good, even without any makeup on.

she KNOWS she looks good

she’s into astrology, and definitely owns a tarot deck. only because she wanted to learn how to use it, but doesn’t think she could ever use it seriously. she’s lowkey into witchy things. 

the name bora means purple , and you could only imagine how much she loves the color. her wardrobe consists of a lot of lilacs. 

bora started a youtube channel out of boredom, and now posts random videos every week or so. think kennedy walsh type of videos lol 

always seems like she doesn’t have time for anyone’s shit, and... yeah she doesn’t lol 

she’s a bit cold and opinionated, and can hold grudges, but for the most part, she’s pretty chill and doesn’t give a fuck about a lot of things. 

has a soft spot for shyer/quieter ppl :( 

she’d most likely get mad if anyone touched her stuff or walked into her room without permission lol 

connections !

roomies: nico and eunmi 

exes? i love me some good spicy sad plots. maybe someone who broke her heart and she hates their guts now

neighbors ? someone who probably complained about how loud bora’s music is at night lool

idk give me friends ? ppl who see her working at the library perhaps, or maybe ppl from uni? she goes to evergreen 

it would be funny if there was a character who works at the coffee shop and they know her long ass coffee order by heart. or they hear it for the first time and are like ????? can u rewind , damn

someone she tutors! she’s p good at stuff like science and math subjects, and she wouldn’t mind teaching someone if they pay her lol

i feel like im missing some things.... but this is what i got for now. i’ll probably add more later. 

here’s bora’s pinterest if u wanna take a look. 

pls message me for any plots :D 

[studiesof-fandom-primaryblog]

My Life as an Acafan: it’s complaining time!

Right now, I’m reading the key works of fan studies. I’m reading and selecting works that will bring the type of debates I want to have in my classroom. It’s an exercise any competent teacher does - no matter how long they’ve been teaching. I’m not well versed yet on most things related to fan studies because I’ve started studying it kinda recently, but I’m slowly reading most of things any fan scholars should read and I’ve a couple things to say. Most aimed to non-fan academics.

If any non-fan academic is reading this, I think you should be aware that it is glaringly evident that you have never set a foot on fandom more than necessary and don't understand the core of fandom. You all try, you all make some good points and, somehow, you’re always off the mark. You do not get it. 

As a black bisexual woman, I’m going to do an analogy to make it easier to understand. The feeling I have when I read a non-fan academic talking about fandom and fans is almost the same feeling I get when I read a white person or straight/cis person trying to explain racism and homophobia/transphobia. You do not get it and you will never get it because you didn’t go through it and, probably, won’t ever go through it. It’s not your standpoint - and take this standpoint I’m saying here as the same one from standpoint theory. It feels off place and like missing several points about fandom.

Another thing is that non-fan academics come off, not sure if it’s intentional, as people that believe their analysis are impartial or mostly impartial because they are not fans. I’m gonna say this as a historian: there’s no such thing as impartiality. Everyone has a bias, especially if you ‘re studying something. If you commit to do research, and one that ends up being your lifetime work, it’s indisputable you have a bias and it shows. My God, you’ve no idea how much it does show, even if you think you don’t. I can read between the lines and understand most of you think we are akin to cultists - which shows you do not understand fandom at all. The least thing fandom has, as collective, is a behavior of venerating or excessively admiring anything at all. Fandom is a bunch of ruthless critics that even if they swear they love something, they’ll absolutely tear it down at any time and any place without hesitation if they feel like they are entitled to. Nothing is sacred and nothing is safe from criticism or fandom’s cruelty. If you do not know or understand this very basic notion, you truly have no idea what you’re studying or talking about. 

Also, I think the terms fan and fandom are used carelessly by some non-fan academics (I’m so close to calling them local academics, just so I have a label to identify them ahahaha). Everyone that has an intense enthusiasm for a particular work is a fan for them and, kinda automatically, are part of fandom. I don’t agree with that notion at all. Those fans are not part of fandom. Fandom is a collective, they are people coming together and interacting and forming relationships. It’s a social thing and I say this as a fandom fan since 2005. Listen, I’ve always been a fan in the sense of getting obsessed with several media works. I mean, by the time I was 10, I knew how to recite every single line and sing every song of The Lion King, The Little Mermaid and Mulan. Does that mean I was part of Disney fandom? Hell no. I just became a fandom fan in 2005 when I became part of the community and started consuming fanworks. Non-fan academics need to start listening to fans, because we set ourselves apart from those people. It’s so disrespectful to us to take our terms and apply them in a way that they are not supposed to be used, especially to explain experiences that are not related to us. 

But maybe the problem stems from the name of the field itself. Maybe if it was called Fandom Studies, we would not have this kind of controversy in relation to the use of terms like fan and fandom. After all, Fan Studies implies all kinds of fans and not only the ones that are part of an organized collective. Maybe the solution is to have two fields: Fandom Studies, to deal with the social experience and the individuals that carry out fan practices (like Jenkins pointed out that, when people identify themselves as fans, they are not focused in just one particular work, but rather a range of works and apply sets of practices on them) and Fan Studies, to deal with individual and isolated experiences of being enthusiastic (read having emotional attachment) over mass media works. Like enthusiastic people, they might identify themselves as fans because fan is a common word nowadays, but they do not use the term fandom because, most of time, they don’t even know the word or what it means. So, how can you reduce fandom to any experience of emotional attachment to any kind of media? I mean, if fandom fans so many times differentiate their investment to a particular work by saying ‘I watch this, but I’m not part of the fandom’ i.e. consume/create fan practices in this media; how dare you to take our term and apply to people that don’t even know what it means just because they’re emotionally attached to a piece of mass media work? 

If someone does not partake in fan practices (aka content created by fans in an organized community), they’re not part of a fandom. And, when I say partake, I mean consume and/or create, not just one of them. This is fandom 101. This is a problem that I see with non-fan academics, they do not respect what we establish in our community.

Someone who watches a series or movie regularly or just really loves them is not a member of said fandom. It’s not that simple. And, if you think that it’s not like that, I dare you to do just one thing: go to a movie premiere of a big franchise like Marvel and, without proper context, start asking people who seems invested (aka wearing shirts or looking really excited to be there) things like ‘So what is your favorite fandom discourse/meta about this franchise you’re about to watch?’ and then you come back to me and tell me how many people actually knew what fandom is and what meta/discourse means in that context. I’ll bet good money not even half of the people who are wearing t-shirts of said franchise will understand what you��re talking about.

So, being part of fandom means being engaged in particular social practices. That’s how, among ourselves, we differentiate us from the people that just love very much certain mass media works. It’s different. Non-fan academics need to remember they are studying living and breathing subjects who are incredibly analytical, so I think maybe it’s time to take a step back, rethink your attitude and respect the norms dictated by the community you research. I mean, I’ve been part of fandom for 15 years and I haven’t ever seen one single fan defend the idea that people who just love intensely some work of fiction and do nothing more than buy a t-shirt cause it looks cool are part of fandom.

Ever.

[theexistentiallyqueer]

I’ve been meaning to write about this all day, ever since I reblogged something from a mutual that was not queerphobic, but was in response to a long chain of queerphobia.

And I really cannot put into words how dangerous this whole “queer is a slur” discourse is. Like balls to the walls destructively dangerous.

You are feeding the enemy.

There’s been so much evidence pointing out how the phrases “queer is a slur” and “q slur” tie into the rise in aphobia and the broad umbrella of TERF ideology. And that’s all really, really horrifying, and all very actively dangerous.

The reason why “queer is a slur” hits me so specifically is that people who identify as/with the concept of queer(ness) are being specifically and almost surgically targeted by the LGBTQ community at a time when the discourse has shifted away from gay (or same-gender) marriage to workplace and housing protections, specifically in America, where the arguments are based on Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, which prohibits employers from discriminating on the basis of several categories, including sex.

And while the Supreme Court is hearing three consolidated cases on discrimination against LGBTQ people, what does the highest fucking court in the land fucking focus on?

Motherfucking bathrooms.

In the year of our lord twenty-nineteen, we know TERFs are joining forces with Nazis, and the Supreme Court is turning arguments about discrimination around to ask about fucking bathrooms.

So this seems to be a very trans-specific issue, you might say! It seems to be a fixation on transness that’s making it so hard for cishets to understand the very simple issues of discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender. How does queerness factor into this?

Because queerness inherently says: Fuck your labels. Fuck labels in general. Queerness as an identity, as a movement, is about saying that don’t want to define ourselves by sexuality or gender standards that are rooted in defining ourselves in relation to heterosexuality or cisgender norms. We keep largely to ourselves, and yet a subset of our wider community has swallowed enough TERF rhetoric that they look at us and decide that we’re the problem. Not the cisgender, heterosexual patriarchy, but a relatively small collective of people who identify as queer.

And I’ve seen this. I’ve actually seen this. I’ve seen queerphobes complain about how “hard” our sexuality and gender is to understand. Because we don’t use very specific words like gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, genderfluid, etc., they can’t understand us. And the implication I take from that is that they’re afraid that if they can’t understand us, how can cishets?

What makes this so insidiously dangerous is that it obligates us to define ourselves on cishet terms. It pigeonholes lesbians into being women who aren’t attracted to men. It locks trans people into a specific role. It doesn’t allow for experimentation, or creative, or diversity, or the complete rejection of cishet standards.

Which is how we wind up in twenty-fucking-nineteen, where cases involving cis gay men devolve into questions about who will use which bathroom, and the goddamned lawyers of the claimants in these cases have to tell the Supreme fucking Court that they’re arguing in defense of cis men. IN DEFENSE OF CIS MEN. When the entire fucking bathroom debacle started over panic about TRANS WOMEN using women’s restrooms.

Because that’s the thing about the ideology used by the cishet establishment. They draw no distinction between gender and sexuality. The moment you leap to tie gender and sexuality together as equal punching bags, they leapt with glee. They don’t care that you identify very safely as an agender lesbian any more than they care that I identify as queer and queer and queer, because we are all, every single one of us, anathema to them.

Yeah, queer is a slur. They made it a slur. And they’ll keep bludgeoning it as a slur to dived our community to such a point that we don’t stand in solidarity against trans people being divested of their rights for workplace and housing equality, and poor gay and lesbian people of color are divested of their rights for workplace and housing equality, and disabled gay and lesbian people are divested of their rights to anything, while the only people who are safe are the white and/or lucky people like who work at multinational corporations that have decided embracing a pro-LGBTQ workplace policy is in their own best interest, all the while the large portion of those companies cut pay, and benefits, and hours, but never fire anyone for being too gay, too trans, to queer.

Queer is a slur because queer reclaimed makes cishets uncomfortable. Because queer includes disabled, and queer includes sex workers, and queer includes the working class. Queer is a slur because it can’t be defined into a special interest group, because the majority of people who are queer are often also disabled, and people of color, and socialist or ancoms, or any combination of the above.

You can’t pigeonhole a queer person, because queerness defies the entire concept. So in place of placing the pigeon in the hole, you’re forced to play nice with the oppression.

And that’s how we wind up in the current now, in 2019, where the Supreme motherfucking Court is debating bathroom use during cases about cis gay men, and queerphobes are ignoring that horrifying reality to complain about how “queer is a slur” on fucking tumblr.

This is a “when they came for the X” analogy, except it’s not. Because it shouldn’t be. We’re not the ones who made us this way. You can’t say, “When they came for the gay trans men, I said nothing, because I wasn’t a gay trans man,” and then say, “when they came for trans gay women, I said nothing, because I wasn’t a gay trans woman,” and then say, “When they came for the gay nonbinary people, I said nothing, because I wasn’t a gay nonbinary person.”

You were one of those things. You sacrificed one of those things to be safe. What do you think will happen? The mass shooter will look at you and say, “You identify as a bisexual nonbinary person, so I’ll spare you, because the only people I’m targeting people here are the queers”? When they come for the queers they’ll count you among us, because they never accepted you anyway.

It’s time to face reality and accept as a community that the only way we’re going to allow them to interpret us on our own terms. It’s dangerous and scary.

But it’s the fucking truth.

[poisonedapples]

Fanders Pride

Hey, my name is Sparrow, he/they, and I’m an aromantic ace-spec (autochorissexual) person who is still very confused about their gender identity. I’ve been a Fander literally since Thomas’ Vine days, so for the “Fander Pride Meetup” that is today to celebrate LGBT+ pride in our community, I want to talk about my own identities and how I found out about them. Sometimes it’s a happy story, sometimes it is not, but despite any kind of hardship that comes with accepting yourself, I’d like to show some of my very own Pride. By doing it in the most elaborate, dramatic way possible because I have no chill and also I’m sorry that I’m on mobile and can’t put a cut. Enjoy your never-ending scrolling that I also barely proofread~ 🌈

I’m also gonna put it into neat little categories because I’m like that.

Sexual Orientation,

Ace-spec: Someone who falls on the Asexual spectrum

Autochorissexual: a disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein

At first, I was going to put this story after my aromantic one, but this one is so much shorter and a lot less dramatic, so it’s gonna go first instead. It was a lot easier to notice that I was ace-spec once I had a word for never feeling sexual attraction towards any actual people. LJ helped me realize this, because he explained what “autochorissexual” was to an anon, and my entire brain just clicked. It was like I immediately realized that I had never had any sexual feeling towards anyone either. People in media (and much more graphic things I’m not going to go into) were the only times I had really felt that kind of “attraction”. Even then, I didn’t really think that they were very hot, just kind of aesthetically pleasing? It’s hard to explain, but since I tried to get most of my information on my sexuality from the internet and how I felt about people in those kinds of...18+ areas, I thought that I liked girls a lot better than the boys. Boys with their shirts off was just...weird, still is weird, but girls were always really pretty looking. So just like with romantic orientation, I took this as a sign that I was gay.

Basically I’m just an idiot that doesn’t research correctly.

But even before that, I had my little hints of suspicion that I may be ace-spec. Most commonly I would start to question if I may be demisexual, but I also confused “romantic orientation” with “sexual” a lot, so I took my “I hardly feel any attraction towards people” as “it takes a bond for me to get sexual feelings”. But even then, it didn’t really click in my head with the label demisexual, so it came and went really fast.

Ace-spec identities really do need to be talked about more, even if some of them may seem “ridiculous” to outsiders. When I first came out as ace-spec (gonna say that instead because I am fully aware “autochorissexual” is a mouthful), it was an actual weight lifted. Because not only from my own trauma and the anxiety of “how do you even do the do in real life?”, it felt so much better to just not be worried about doing something I wasn’t interested in. I’m ace-spec, all my friends know this, and I’ve learned that any kind of relationship can be long-term with no sexual feelings. And honestly, that is a great thought.

Gender Identity,

I remember when I was a kid, me and my sister would play a Fable game at my uncle’s house. One where the younger sibling, whether you played as a boy or a girl, would always be named Sparrow. From the first time I heard that name in that game, I loved it. Me and the few friends I had on my street would all play games of pretend, and we could choose our own names. No matter what, I would always go with Sparrow. I always adored that name a thousand times more than I did my birth name, I’ve always hated my birth name. I told myself for a long time that it was because it had no meaning, and was ridiculously generic. But I realized later that it was also because it was very feminine. It didn’t really feel like me, and although people kept insisting my birth name was a beautiful name...I didn’t like it.

I’ve always just felt disconnected from the label of being a “girl”. People would say something about girls or targeted to girls, and most of the time I would have to tell myself “that means you”. Being a girl felt wrong, doing girly things felt wrong, so I avoided most feminine things to my mom’s annoyance. I felt like I shouldn’t allow myself to be girly to the feminine things I did enjoy, like they were some forbidden art from another world. I’d forget that I was supposed to be a part of that world, and I had to remind myself that no one would think it was weird if a “girl” wanted a girly shirt, or to play with dolls, and that it was actually encouraged. I just kept trying to fit myself into the box of “tomboy” because it fit better than “girly girl”. It still wasn’t very me, but I liked the more “masculine” things over the feminine, so I figured that it was better that way. And I’m a very gray person, I very rarely have black and white views, so it kinda makes sense I didn’t fit perfectly into one box honestly. It’s probably one of the more accurate metaphors to being nonbinary that I’ve seen.

As of right now, I don’t really have a label. All I know is that I’m not cis, I’m not very commonly feminine, and I’m transmasculine at the least. I know that I fluctuate in some form, or at least some kind of fluid (I don’t like genderfluid much though) since I never stay in the same place for very long. I find it pretty hard to not stress out over finding a label since I just want to know now, but taking my time instead of immediately coming out and then stressing again because I found out it’s not me gets rid of a lot of the anxiety. So for now I’m just “questioning”, but not gonna lie, I hope it doesn’t last very long.

I’m very impatient.

Romantic Orientation,

Aromantic: Someone who feels no romantic attraction to anyone of any gender

I’m going to just say this right now; finding out I was aro was not a very happy thing. It counteracted with my dreams and made me feel like I was cheated on by my own mind, maybe even the world despite how dramatic that sounds.

(TW: Unhappy marriages, divorce, parents fighting and a tiny mention of a womanizer)

I dreamed of having a loving husband to make up for all the years of broken marriages that I have seen, one that was funny and kind, one that believed in me, someone to make me feel less lonely than I really was and to fill up a broken piece of my heart from growing up learning love is fake. I saw fights and back talkers, divorce after divorce, and womanizing boyfriends who would scream at my birth mom as she screamed back with the same intensity. Threats of leaving, divorces, and my birth parents staring hateful daggers into each others backs. If they didn’t hate each other they ignored each other. If they stayed together they never said they loved each other. I only ever heard my dad speak good about his wife, but even then, when he wasn’t looking my mom would turn the other way and back talk him. But I never really learned that love was fake. I saw my birth mom scream at her boyfriend, and I dreamed of a world where me and my husband would make up and cuddle after a fight. I heard my mom complain about my dad’s temper for the tenth time that day, and I dreamed of talking to my husband about working on unhealthy flaws we both had. I didn’t learn love was fake, I learned that love wasn’t perfect fairytales instead. I learned how to grow from the mistakes I saw daily.

(Trigger Warnings over)

But before I suddenly started to question my sexuality, I had no evidence that I wasn’t hetero. In first grade I had a kiss with a boy I didn’t actually like, and in second grade I had my first “crush” on a boy in my class. Other kids would date one kid after another, breaking up and moving on so fast that my head started to spin before I even got to middle school. I saw kids get together after only a week of knowing each other and breaking up a couple weeks after. I had started to try and keep track of who had a crush on who because it always got so twisted. I remember in first grade all the girls seemed to have a crush on a kid named Justin, and all I did was just watch them all in confused awe. It was like watching a herd of derpy birds fight over a fancy breadstick on the floor; very important to them, but I didn’t really see the appeal.

When I thought I had my very first crush, I noticed that I didn’t really act like it. I remember watching an episode of ICarly where Sam had a crush or was dating a boy (can’t remember which) and Carly showed off the drawing Sam made of her and the boy surrounded by love hearts. It gave me the message that’s what people with crushes did, so although I wasn’t much of a drawer I decided to try and copy Sam’s drawing with me and this boy as swans instead. During and after the drawing was made, I noticed that I still didn’t really feel anything for what I made. I didn’t really care about the supposed “crush” I had on him, but I didn’t think much of it. The next year I would actually go up to this boy and tell him that I “liked” him, and he didn’t exactly give me a straight answer. He said “I’ll tell you when my lawyer [his dog Apples] is around”, and I tried for a little bit to get him to tell me about his feelings towards me before I just accepted that it was a rejection. But later, I would actually realize that I didn’t care about him returning his feelings for me, more so I just wanted to know because I’m nosy. I realized he rejected me and barely even cared, just went back to playing with my friends.

Then, I started to question my sexuality. I didn’t exactly notice my lack of attraction towards any genders, I noticed that I had never cared for men. I thought that girls were prettier than boys, but I became so confused because I had such a lack of feeling any kind of attraction towards people. I considered a couple labels, but even when I knew what asexual and aromantic was, I didn’t even consider it. The people I saw who were aro acted like they had no interest in being in any kind of relationship, and that...wasn’t me. I was sure of that, I dreamed of having a spouse someday, so I immediately dismissed it. And in a feat of confusion and ignorance, I decided that if I knew for a fact I didn’t like boys, then I must only like girls. For many years, I identified as a lesbian. Both my parents still think that I’m gay.

Then, I joined Tumblr. Honestly, Tumblr and all the people I have met in the fanders community have helped me a lot with my identity, and people like LJ and Marin (who I’m scared to tag so I won’t) helped me with accepting myself a lot more than they could ever know. When I first heard LJ describe their queerplatonic relationship with Thuri, how they would marry platonically, I didn’t understand why that thought was so comforting until a little later. I realized that...I was scared. I was scared of being aro, so I hid it from both others and myself. I wouldn’t lie awake at night thinking about the supposed “crush” I had on my best friend, I stared mindlessly at the ceiling feeling empty inside. I would not break the chain. Aromantic people do not marry. I was doomed to live alone forever. I could handle being gay, I could have handled being ace or pan or bi which would have brought out my mom’s severe biphobia, I could handle that. What I couldn’t handle was my biggest dream, the one thing in this world that gave me hope and peace with myself, being ripped away from my hands and being forced to accept that I could never love someone the way that I wanted to. With my already severe problems with feeling any emotion, this was hard to accept. I was willing to ignore my own romance repulsion just to have a “happy” marriage. I was willing to give my comfort away for something I thought would be worth it.

At first, I was willing to accept that I was grayromantic, and that those two boys in my life were the rare times I fell in love. I didn’t want to accept I couldn’t fall in love at all, so I tried to compromise with myself and use that label instead. Then, I read Marin’s queerplatonic Logince verse. A tiny little collage of stories in the same universe that I didn’t even get at first helped me come to terms with my identity. They loved each other. It wasn’t romantic, not sexual...but it was stronger than friendship. I learned that that kind of love was just as important as the ones I tried to dream of having as a kid. I felt like I was able to love again. Maybe not in the romantic way I wanted to, but it meant so much more to me. Queerplatonic saved me from going over the edge, and I think that is a beautiful thing.

I could go into a lot more detail with this. I could tell you about my struggles with understanding my feelings for my best friend CJ, and how I thought that I had a crush on him. I could tell you about the multiple instances I never realized I did because of my lack for romantic attraction, but now look back at and think “how did that not raise flags?”. I could tell you I thought I was just scared of commitment, how I also identified as cupioromantic for a bit, how I literally went through a grieving stage with accepting I was aro, but I’ll simply leave it as this for now. It hasn’t been easy at all accepting that I was aromantic, but that label has given me the most solace and peace, because now I don’t feel like I’m scared of commitment. I don’t feel like I’m faking, like I need to hurt myself to get my dream, like I need to bend to the whims of a romantic and sexual world. I have a new way that feels so much better than bending over backwards for something I can’t have, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

And a Conclusion.

I will wave this green, white, gray and black flag with pride. I’ll wave my purple triangle one with the same intensity, and when I find out my gender, I’ll learn to wave it with pride as well. Because all of us deserved to have just that; We deserve to have pride and happiness with ourselves. No matter how you may identify, no matter who you love or what you feel like you really are, you can be and deserve to be prideful.

We deserve to wave our flags with pride. And we will have just that:

Pride.

[therealdragonnerdagain]

I thought I would explain the reason why I have spent the last few years obsessively ranting about the racism and sexism in Bioware's games. Might prove interesting for the anti-pc fanboy fucks and bitchy Bioware fans who stalk my blog.

Because game developing is a business, most developers, rather than try something new or try to be inclusive, would rather stick to the tried and true formula of Straight White Morally Grey Male Hero who is out to avenge his dead family/ dead wife/ someone's attempted murder on him. Same old pandering to the same old audience.

Bioware was the first game developer to be openly inclusive of minorities. Not only that, but they proved once and for all that minorities really were in the audience and that it was possible to include us and still make a profit.

Once Bioware offered up this evidence, other game developers tentatively fell in line, while at the same time remaining careful to kiss Straight White Male Ass so they wouldn't anger their precious male fans.

I remember the first time I played Origins as the female city elf Kallian. It was amazing to participate in a story with actual content that was FOR ME. Not the straight dude they just assumed was in the audience.  

After fifteen odd years of playing video games that ignored me, suddenly, I was being acknowledged.

It was amazing.

And it's one reason why Dragon Age Origins will always have a special place in my geeky heart.

So to eventually come to the conclusion that the developers at Bioware are just as sexist and racist as every other developer . . . it was pretty crushing.

David Gaider is racist. Yes, he is. The only reason Bioware is inclusive to queer people is because of David Gaider. But the racism is still painfully evident in their games, and the way they treat their female fans and female characters is nothing short of disgusting. (Patrick Weekes' shitty "joke" for Solas fans in Trespasser was the last straw for me.)

I don't care how many people are pissed off by my saying this. I don't care that Gaider is gay -- that doesn't mean he can not possibly be a person who sees other races as inferior. In fact, racism among white gay men is a prevalent problem within the gay community.

Dorian from Dragon Age Inquisition is pretty much David Gaider's self-insert.

Dorian is an innocent bigot.

Yes, he is.

Just because Dorian had elven lovers doesn't make him any less racist. You understand that it's possible to have sex with someone while at the same time not seeing them as an equal, right?

Dorian sees the elves as inferiors. And not out of any hatred or malice, but simply because he's been taught to think that way. He even admits to the Inquisitor that he never bothered to give a shit about racism until he left Tevinter and suddenly had the epiphany that "Slavery bad."

Dorian remains an innocent bigot, a racist who is racist because he doesn't know any better, for the duration of Inquisition. He has a little speech at the Well about cultural appropriation, but the reality is, he still has little empathy toward the elves and their plight.

Dorian is a sheltered child who didn't even notice how fucked up the elves had it until he was forced to leave home. He even assures you that slavery is better than the way Fereldan elves are treated, instead of coming to the realization that both situations are pretty oppressive. The city elves are wage slaves, which are basically slaves without the chains. They are expected to work for next to nothing, and when they wind up stealing to feed their families, they are condemned -- it's slavery, just not chattel slavery.  

Even by Trespasser, Dorian *still* only gives a shit about Tevinter. He never talks about ending the slave trade -- and I know he doesn't because I had a character romance him.

Solas despises Dorian because he's an ignorant bigot who doesn't give a shit about anyone except humans (ironic, I know, coming from someone who doesn't give a shit about anyone but ancient elves).

Solas has several banters where he calls Dorian out on his bigotry, asking him why he doesn't seem to care about freeing the elves. Dorian gets nervous and says something about how it's impossible for him to do that.

Dorian doesn't get it.

The point is not that Dorian isn't able to end slavery. It's that he doesn't even care enough to try.

Solas continues to coldly, tersely force Dorian to realize his own bigotry, each banter more angry than the last. Unfortunately, none of his points ever get through Dorian's brick wall.

Dorian can not be argued with or reasoned with. Just as all racists can not be argued with or reasoned with. I imagine a lot of angry people will respond to this or else complain about it in tumblr groups with their friends, while entirely missing the point . . . which is kinda my point: these people will likely be ignorant racists too.

People who are racist do not live in the same reality as everyone else. And Solas -- who is racist himself and who is just a self-insert of Patrick Weekes and his White Guilt moaning -- can not teach Dorian that he is racist when he himself isn't living in reality (literally if he was actually sleeping during the whole of Inquisition and only just rejoined his body at the end, as I theorized).

In the same way that Dorian is vaguely aware of his own ignorance, David Gaider is vaguely aware of his own ignorance (or else he couldn't have written such a character) and yet he makes no attempt to change.

I remember a couple years ago, this fan tried to talk to David Gaider on twitter about his shitty bigotry. The fan was pretty polite, but Gaider completely shut them down. It's what he always does. He is notorious for not being able to take criticism about any of the games he’s worked on and has no problem insulting fans who try to have a conversation with him. It’s partly the reason why he is so unpopular with many fans.

And just like his creator, Dorian can not be reasoned with. You can not convince Dorian that slavery and "endless cycles of poverty" are both things that should end. Dorian will continue to validate slavery to your face, then he will tell you that you can't *possibly* form an opinion about slavery since you've never been a slave! The Inquisitor is set up to be shot down by him, and he stands there, arms folded, triumphant in having proved his ignorance valid.

The racism in Dragon Age hurt me so much for the reason I stated above: Dragon Age Origins was the first game I played where I felt included. It hurt to realize how bigoted the overall narrative actually was and it hurt to have white fans (more ignorant racists) *mocking* me for being hurt by racism.

But white people always mock people of color for being hurt by racism. What the fuck else is new?

Some times I wonder if Gaider and Weekes realize how hurtful they've been and how they've lost several fans because of Dragon Age -- No, I'm not the only one who sees the racism in the games. I'm just the only one who talks about it all the time.

And I feel this way because Dragon Age saved my life. I was going through a tough time when I found it. So to finally see something I loved so much for what it truly is. . . . it's just awful.

And I know there's no reasoning with any of the developers, so I don't bother addressing them. (I haven't used twitter in several years now, so I wouldn't do that anyway.)

Because much like Patrick Weekes, Gaider will carry on under the belief that there is nothing white people can do to end institutional racism, when in fact there is. Bioware made a great first attempt at not being assholes by including queer people and depicting them as human beings. All they have to do now is show women and people of color the same consideration.

All straight cis gendered white people have to do is treat other people like PEOPLE.

That includes not objectifying female characters in video games. (Miranda's Mass Effect ass shots and unncessesary camel toe come to mind.)

That includes not mocking your female fans for loving the character you created. (Solas, Cullen, and Thane fans were either disregarded completely or treated like shit by the developers.)

That includes not presenting every woman of color like a stereotype Jezebel. (Long-time followers know who I mean here.)

That includes not trashing every religion that's not Christian. (Paganism is not demon worship. Come off it.)

And that includes not depicting indigenous people as inferior savages too “proud” to convert to your “superior” culture.

[addigni]

Ditto on the anti-cis/straight logic (not that they are oppressed or anything of course, just echoing your logic) There's a very popular fandom on here that people often complain about due to the supposed fetishization of gay pairings. However, the only relationship that is actually even hinted at in canon lore is a straight relationship, and the writer received death threats for it. It's unrelated, but I just feel like there's so many clashing feelings that it leads to unhealthy expectations

"The only relationship hinted at canon lore" if you're talking about sherlolly (or even adlock or johnlock or any ship) I would have to disagree about this being a "canon lore". I'll be very honest here, I'm not trying to insult any pairing but: I don't think moftiss has any intention to make a pairing any more or less canon than the others.Because the fact is: every shippy thing we see in canon is always either 1) ambiguous or 2) one ship being canon implies other ships are NOT canon....And yet, the show always give hints for ALL ships to be canon simultaneously - which obviously cannot be the case.Which leads me to think that: moftiss is doing this (hints at all ships as canon despite the clashing paradox it presents) because they WANT it to be open ended.To me, the show presents itself so ambiguously that honestly it's difficult to say which one is the "right way of reading canon". If sherlolly is canon because of the "I love you scene", does that logic factor in the fact that Sherlock said it under duress? Is he upset because it's what he feels for her? Or is it because he knows he had hurt her badly by telling her a lie she wanted to hear? Is it because he loves her as a romantic interest, or is it because she's a dear friend to him?Or is adlock canon because Sherlock still sends to be enthralled by her and even John asks him to go out with her? But if adlock is canon, that means sherlolly CAN'T be. And does Sherlock love Irene romantically? Or is he intrigued and fascinated by her as a compelling foe -- the woman who beat him? But if it's just a foe, then why does she keep popping up in his head even when he doesn't want to think about her?Or is it johnlock that's canon? I'm not gonna go into any meta here coz I prefer to use the evidence before your own eyes (the show in the way it presents itself) rather than extrapolating speculation from an assumed subtext. But the fact is, Sherlock has done a great deal for John -- above and beyond anything anyone can ever do for someone else. Is this just normal acquaintance type of friendship, or something much deeper? And why does everyone including Mrs Hudson, Irene, Moriarty and even Mycroft allude to the idea of John and Sherlock being so close that they're basically a couple? But if John is the person who Sherlock loves romantically, then why is Irene the person who pops up in his head, and what does Sherlock mean when he calls Molly "the one person that mattered the most"?And then there's Moriarty, all that blatant flirting, I mean that one is so self explanatory in all the flirting they do, and yet such a weird juxtaposition to the destructive nature of their relationship towards each other. Even getting a gratuitous kiss scene of its own too. So yeah, I could go on but I think you're getting my point. I agree with you about the anti-cis anti-straight comment and fandom toxicity. But with regards to the comment of "canon", I honestly think moftiss are DELIBERATELY making every ship half-float half-sunkAs far as I'm concerned, the only canon pairing that matters to me is Sherlock and angst 😂

[loudlytransparenttrash]

10 Ways Of Overcoming The Social Justice Stranglehold

It’s no mistake that cultural Marxists in the form of social justice warriors and feminists tend to create artificial divisions between people and “classes” while attacking and homogenizing very real and natural divisions between individuals based on biological reality and inherent genetic and psychological ability.

They do this most commonly by designated arbitrary “victim status” to various classes, dividing them from each other based on how “oppressed” they supposedly are. The less statistically prominent a particular group is (less represented in a job field, media, education, population, etc) in any western society based on their color, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, etc, generally the more victim group status is handed to them by social justice gatekeepers. Whites and males (straight males) are of course far at the very bottom of their list of people who have reason to complain and are repeatedly targeted and attacked by SJW organizations and web mobs as purveyors of some absurd theory called “The Patriarchy”.

It is not enough anymore to simply continue pointing out the insanity of political correctness, we must also take useful steps toward reversing the destruction already done.

Do you have leftist leaning friends or family members? It doesn’t matter. Are you employed in a workplace crawling with social justice ideologues? Stop seeing them as part of the equation because they do not matter. Worried about losing a relationship if you make a stand? Say good riddance. This is what must be done by free thinkers if they are to counter and reverse the collectivist nightmare of cultural Marxism. Here’s some solutions, which must be enacted by individuals in their daily lives regardless of the potential backlash:

1. Feel no shame

Social justice relies on shaming tactics, usually by slandering an opponent with a label that does not really apply to them in order to control the person’s arguments and behavior. If you don’t care about being called a bigot, a racist, a sexist, a misogynist, a homophobe, etc, because you know you aren’t, then there is not really much that they can do to you. They have overused these attacks to the point of having no meaning.

2. Do not self-censor

This does not mean you should go too far out of your way to act like an asshole, but the thought police have power only if you give power to them. Say what you want to say when you want to say it, and do it with a smile. Let them froth and scream until they have an aneurism. Cultural Marxists are generally piss-weak, anxiety-riddled children. They avoid physical confrontation like they avoid logic, so why fear them?

3. Realize there is no such thing as white privilege or male privilege

In reality, there is only institutionalized “privilege” for victim-status groups. There is no privilege for whites, males, white males or straight white males. When confronted with such claims, demand to see proof of such privilege. Invariably, you will get a long list of first world problems and complaints backed by nothing but easily debunked talking points and misrepresented statistics. People should not feel guilty for being born the way they are, and this includes those “darn white male devils”…

4. Demand facts to back claims

Cultural Marxists tend to argue on the basis of opinion and emotion rather than fact. Present facts to counter their claims, and demand facts and evidence in return. Opinions are irrelevant if the person is not willing to present supporting facts when asked. 9.5/10 you’re going to win the argument so don’t be afraid to confront their obvious exaggerations and fabrications.

5. Do not play the game of “unconscious bias”

If social justice cultists can’t counter your position with facts or logic, they will invariably turn to the old standby that you are limited in your insight because you have not lived in the shoes of a - (insert victim group here). I agree. In fact, I would point out that this reality of limited perception also applies to THEM as well. They have not lived in your shoes, therefore they are in no position to claim you enjoy “privilege” while they do not. They love to pretend that they know everything about everybody and therefore have the right to judge and position us all in the victim rankings. This is why facts and evidence are so important, and why anecdotal evidence and personal feelings are irrelevant where cultural Marxism is concerned.

6. Let them know their fears and feelings do not matter

No one is entitled to have their feelings coddled and normalized by others. Whether the issue is the nonexistent “boogeyman rape culture” or “racist white cops are going on purge-like killing sprees of young innocent black people”, their irrational and delusional fears are not our concern, it’s not society’s job to alleviate their phobia of men, straight people or white people, that is what psychotherapists are for. Why should any individual relinquish their liberties in the name of placating frightened nobodies?

7. Maintain your rights, they do not hurt other people

PC cultists will invariably argue that a certain group of people (we all know who that is), whether they know it or not, is indirectly harming others by essentially breathing and it’s up to them to recognize, apologize and change their oppressive ways. "We live in a society”, they say, “and everything we do affects everyone else…”. Don’t take such accusations seriously; these people do not understand how freedom works.

For instance, hypothetically as I don’t hold these views, that I refuse to bake a gay wedding cake for a couple. I would be accused of violating their rights but in reality I would only be preserving my own. I would have every right to not bake that cake if I didn’t want to, not a single person could make me. Also, I would point out that the gay couple in question has every right in a free society to bake their own cake or open their own cake shop to compete with mine. This is how freedom works. It is not based on collective entitlement; it is based on personal responsibility.

8. Refuse to deny the scientific fact of biological sex

Sexes are first and foremost genetic imperatives. Society does not determine gender roles; nature does. A man who gets his genitals removed and takes hormone pills is not and will never be a woman. A woman who tapes down her breasts and shaves her hair will never be a man. No amount of social justice, denial of biology and science or wishful thinking will ever allow them to reverse their genetic proclivities. Their psychological and sexual leanings do not change their inborn biological reality. I’m not saying we should attack or hate these people by any means, we should treat people equally, but the moment they begin to go bananas and call you cis scum over getting their pronoun wrong or assuming one of their 200 genders, it’s time to refuse to play along with this nonsense.

9. Deny the illusion of Utopian equality

There is no such thing as pure equality. Society is not a homogeneous entity, it is an abstraction built around a group of unique individuals. Individuals can be naturally gifted, or naturally challenged. But there will always be some people who are more apt towards success than others.

I have no problem whatsoever with the idea of equality of opportunity, which is exactly what we have in this country. I do have a problem however with the lie of universal equality through engineered means.

Standards of success should not be lowered in order to accommodate the least skilled people to facilitate artificial parity. For example, I constantly hear the argument that more people with victim group status should be given greater representation in positions of influence and regard within our culture, from science and engineering, to media, to business CEO’s, to politics, etc. The key word here is “given”, rather than “earned”. There is nothing wrong with one group of people excelling in a field more than another group, and there is nothing wrong with inequality when it comes to individual achievement. We must begin refusing to reward people for mediocrity and punishing success simply because the winners are not part of a designated victim group.

10. If you are a man, embrace your role

Men in particular have a considerable task ahead in terms of their personal endeavors if they hope to repair the destruction of social justice.

For thousands of years, men have been the industrial force behind all human progress and achievement. Today, they are told to be relegated to cubicles and customer service and to stay out of the way of badass, strong and independent women because their presence around a female is scary and oppressive… If we have any chance of undoing the damage of cultural Marxism, modern men must be men again.

You don’t have to prove to anyone you do “manly things”, just go out and do them. Most importantly, embrace your masculinity. Men are meant to be strong, hard working, competitive, protective and brave. Yes, women can be too but we are telling men that these qualities are toxic, only for feminists to use them for their own empowerment. They’re either toxic or they’re empowering. Make your mind up, ladies.

Men, you also need to be a threat again. That does not mean a threat against women, your family or anyone around you, but our men are supposed to be threatening to those who would threaten us. Modern society has not removed the need for masculinity and this will become more obvious the more our culture sinks into economic despair and the more our country’s values become overtaken. Just take a peep into Europe, their men are being raped by Somalian refugees and they apologize and feel guilty that his poor, victimized rapist faces deportation.

[lunar-root]

“I don’t know how I expected a rape victim to act, but I didn’t expect her to be so funny. Or to be punk, in this kinda sexy bleached blonde but kind of too lazy to really care sort of way. Or to be so up front.

“I may be a lesbian because of what happened to me, I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter at this point.”

I guess, maybe in some way, I didn’t expect her to be so over it. Part of me, unconsciously, believed people who had been raped were irrecoverably broken, and she wasn’t. I had an ex boyfriend who said he thought rapists should be subjected to capital punishment, which I suppose is a more extreme articulation of that unconscious belief. Once a woman has been raped, she has been destroyed.

People aren’t destroyed through being raped though. They suffer immensely, but they are just as much themselves after the rape as before.

Another rape victim I dated was a butch woman who had just adopted a kitten that completely befuddled her. When I went back to her apartment, the kitten was everywhere attacking everything.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I’ve historically been more of a dog person.”

She was pretty open about her anger towards men, and her sexual orientation was difficult to quantify because her attractions included “any gender that’s not cis male.” Can’t say I blamed her. But, despite her anger, she was completely and fully her. Even if she drank too much, and even if she hated men, her fundamental essence was untouched.

How I think of women who have been raped contrasts greatly with how I think of men who have experienced non sexual violence. One of my male friends was standing outside a club when he was hit from behind. He fell down, and two guys came up and kicked the shit out of him before running away.

I think that event changed him in some ways. We used to do jiu jitsu together, but he had a particular drive that I think was borne of that experience. He’s very good, I think he teaches it now. Yet, when men get beat up, I don’t ever entertain the impression that some part of them may have been destroyed. (I actually think there may be an opposite problem, namely men not getting emotional support because we don’t take their trauma seriously. I’ll have to write about that later.) If a man’s behavior changes after an attack, we don’t use this as evidence to support an unconscious belief that he is broken. If you told someone that a man had learned jiu jitsu after being attacked, I think the vibe would be “well, that’s pretty reasonable.” If a bisexual woman decided to date only women after being raped, the vibe would be “oh, she’s broken.”

This belief in the “brokenness” of those have experienced sexual trauma is highly damaging. None of us want to be broken. I don’t want to be broken. And, at least for me personally, this belief in the uniquely destructive power of sexual trauma prevented me from honestly confronting some of my more difficult sexual experiences.

A few years ago, I was out getting drunk with a bunch of male friends, and one of them offered to let me crash at his place. He was someone I trusted, someone I’d been friends with for years. When we got back to his place, suddenly he was all over me, and he’d managed to get his fingers into my vagina before I was able to physically restrain him. I remember confusion, and then shock at realizing his fingers were inside of me. And, I remember how he wilted when I stopped him. He shrank with shame, and I felt so guilty. I spent the night, but I couldn’t sleep, and slipped out at 6am after giving him a kiss on the head.

Then, I brushed it off. I had years of therapy after that, and never brought it up because I didn’t think it was significant. Yet, there were a few differences. I didn’t like being touched anymore. I stopped dating men, and then stopped dating anyone. I lost all sexual desire, and have been single now for about a year and a half.

I also started meditating. “Crying” has been a big part of my meditation practice. Just, nameless, faceless crying with no discernible reason. I sat a meditation retreat for 7 days, and the first 5 days were spent crying. I was completely exhausted, and in discussions with my teacher I basically said “I can’t keep doing this” and she basically said “keep trying.” Then, sometime around the fifth day, I stopped crying. I had expected some sort of catharsis, or release, or knowledge or something, but it wasn’t like that. I just stopped. And, after that I felt better. Not totally better, not like, I don’t still cry sometimes. It was just like — this nameless sadness that seemed to have no bottom ran out, and where it had been there was nothing.

Shortly after my retreat, I was reading a Savage Love where a woman talked about a male friend of hers trying to finger her when he was drunk. Dan Savage told her she’d been the victim of sexual assault or attempted sexual assault. And, when I read that, I was like “how can she have been sexually assaulted? That’s exactly like what happened to me, but I wasn’t…” So, I looked up sexual assault. Apparently if someone touches your vagina against your will, that’s sexual assault.

I pondered over that. I read about what happened emotionally to people who had been sexually assaulted, and a lot of it fit with my experience. The blocking it out. The justifying. The guilt, the aversion to touch, and hyposexual desire. They were all common responses from people who had been sexually assaulted. And, when I read about that, I felt relief. These mysterious things that I had been feeling had a source. I also think that I was so lucky to have gone on those dates with those women, because I already had a deep understanding that people who have experienced sexual violence aren’t any less awesome or less complete than those who haven’t experienced it. Without that understanding, I think admitting to yourself that you have experienced sexual violence is harder, because you also have to think of yourself as “broken.”

I continued to wonder about why I had been so dismissive about how painful I found that experience, and at the heart of it was “it was just a more extreme version of how I always feel with men.” I came out as bisexual when I was around 12 years old (or “was outed” I should say) and ever since then, I have faced a lot of unwanted sexual attention. People accused me of just being bisexual “for attention” despite my own lack of agency around coming out, and despite the fact that they were the ones giving me all the attention. Boys asked me to kiss other girls, and initially I complied. I was 12. I didn’t know better. When I got to high school, I was regularly asked for threesomes before ever losing my virginity. Boys would sometimes grope my breasts, or put their hands up my skirt, or make loud public comments about my body.

Eventually, I learned to fight back. I remember one time, after being called flat chested, shouting back at the guy “we can’t all have tits as big as yours!” and watching him flush deeply. Additionally, I was on the wrestling team with a bunch of guys who respected me for my wholehearted commitment to the sport, and I think that helped. Having a bunch of big, jock friends made people less inclined to fuck with me. Still, between the ages of about 12–14, I had been bombarded with so much sexual harassment that I had normalized the feeling of it. I knew I didn’t like it, but it didn’t feel strange. It felt familiar.

In retrospect, I think I may have had an especially bad run because I am a bisexual woman. Bisexual women experience a disproportionately high amount of sexual violence compared to straight and lesbian women, and that innately makes sense to me. I was repeatedly singled out for sexual attention because I was bisexual and, as the only out bisexual woman in the grade, I was a single target for the many boys who were fascinated by female bisexuality.

Anyway, I had already normalized the sensation of sexually directed harassment before I was even a teenager. It’s very particular sensation, but hard to describe —for me, it’s almost like nausea mixed with sadness and shock. I cried the first few times I felt it, but it soon became so common that I started numbing myself to it. By the time I was in high school, I was already fairly numb.

So, when I started dating men for real, I was already primed to not complain when I felt this feeling. Sometimes, however, it was so bad it broke through my numbness. When I young, one of my early boyfriends pressured me for sex. We were lying in bed, and he kept asking over and over again. I can’t remember if I explicitly said yes, or if at some point I just stopped saying no, but he ended up mounting my un-responsive corpse and pounding me until he came.

“How was it?” he asked me.

“It hurt,” I said. Then, he became really sad.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he kept saying over and over. I said nothing, and just lay there, but resolved never to say yes when I didn’t want sex again. It was a horrible feeling, probably one of the most horrible things I’d ever felt at the time. I think something in me closed that day, and I could never be really open with him again.

The thing was, despite whatever lie he told me or told himself, he knew I didn’t want to have sex with him. He knew I didn’t usually lie there like a dead fish. He could tell when I was wincing in pain. When I told him I had been in pain afterwards, he showed no surprise. I had only articulated what he already knew but was pretending he didn’t. Yet, for a man to seek his own sexual gratification from my body while knowing, but not caring, that it was causing me pain seemed so normal by that point that it didn’t seem like a big deal. There’s a word for what happened to me that day (sexual coercion) which was useful for me to discover.

But, what was more useful was actually another Dan Savage letter (I totally ❤ you, Dan!) It was a letter from a guy blaming his girlfriend from backing out of an orgy after she had said she was ok, but was giving clear signs that she wasn’t.

Your girlfriend wasn’t okay that night, CIC, and you knew it. She was telling you what you wanted to hear, CIC, and you knew it. You should’ve called the whole thing off, CIC, and you know it.

The idea that, if someone knew I didn’t want to do something sexual that they shouldn’t do it, was completely alien to me, and yet made total sense. Would I continue with an activity if my partner clearly didn’t want me to?…”