#you know i really have grown up a lot in the past 5 years bc all the adults used to just be caricatures to me

[britneyshakespeare]

you know i mentioned last night that i realized only *after* i started rereading david copperfield that since i recently became an aunt, i was gonna see the story from a whole new angle and start relating more to betsey trotwood. i didn't even think about how at salem house i was gonna be poor mr. mell...

[dr-spectre]

if team past wins im gonna be so sad bc it's the most boring outcome idk

If Team Past wins I'm actually gonna be upset. Idc if this seems so unsportsmanlike but I don't want them to win dude.

At best we'll get a game with a past like aesthetic and have boring wooden and bamboo weapons or some shit.

At worst we'll get a Great Turf War game and I genuinely don't want that. I would fucking hate that so much. That would mean no Squid Sisters, Off the Hook and Deep Cut for over 5 years.

If it's DLC for a Splatoon 4 that involves time travel or a spin off then fine. That's okay. But the main focus of a multiplayer mainline Splatoon game? No. Fuck no.

Setting the next mainline game in the past would be an awful idea for nurmous reasons.

1. You would have to cut down the weapon roaster for lore reasons. If you introduced new weapon types and variants it would create a lot of weird questions and holes in the world building.

2. The story and world millions of fans have grown to love would go on hold for at a minimum of 5 years or longer. Which WILL impact the engagement of the game. There is a huge subset of the fanbase that loves the Idols and characters and not seeing them for a long time would cause a LOT of people to leave the fanbase.

3. The themes that the story could go for, would be a repeat of Splatoon 1 as it would focus on the conflict on the Inklings and Octarians. You know, THE FUCKING CONFLICT THAT GOT FINALLY RESOLVED IN SPLATOON 3!!!!!!!! YOU WANT TO UNDO ALL THAT?!?!?!?!! FOR WHAT?!?!?! FUCKING LOVERS TO ENEMIES TOXIC TWINK YAOI OF CUTTLEFISH AND OCTAVIO?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!

If Team Present wins, we'll just stay the same which is okay. I dont really give a shit. Maybe it'll have a stronger urban focus? I don't know.

If Team Future wins, we might get cool Sci-Fi weapons, locations and it would be such a shake up for the Splatoon we have currently.

Although there is a risk that it would take place a long time after Splatoon 3 and if I see Callie and Marie as old ladies I will leave the Splatoon community. I'm not joking about that btw, I would be incredibly heartbroken.

Also btw, Team Past, can you fucking calm down? Why are you guys so sweaty?! Like... JESUS CHRIST YOU REALLYYYYY WANT that twink Cuttlefish x Octavio sex scene THAT badly huh?! You friggen Splatoon 1 boomer friggen wii u owners... I bet your wii u's are dusty too.... gross /j.

Im sorry to my friends in Team Past, I'm just pissed at the moment from Tricolour matches.

[lover-of-mine]

I finished season 5 and buddie has really grown on me. I started watching out of curiosity bc i wanted to see if the shippers were just exaggerating and that definitely was not the case. Eddie and buck tell each other the words they have needed to hear for years, they show the other's existence matters when they think they would be better off dead and they are not scared to be vulnerable in front of each other; they are helping each other heal in many ways. They're soulmates and the people they've been looking for all their lives and it would be narrative wise beyond unsatisfying if they are not endgame and end up with someone else bc we have seen their past relationships and nothing compares to the bond they have with each other :(

Oh yeah, season 5 really drives home the point that they are soulmates and each other's person. I feel like everything after the shooting feels a lot more purposeful in showing how much they mean to each other and the space they have in each other's lives, like, it's less playing off their chemistry and more making a point. But I feel you with the wanting to know if it was just shippers reading too much into it, I didn't know a lot about them when I started watching the show, but I did know of them next to other ships that have enough subtext to create a ship but realistically we all know were never actually go there. The thing with them is that they are legit being written with multiple romantic tropes, they follow the slowburn procedural format, and no relationship they write in now is gonna compare because the bond they have is that deep. They really are something else and they deserve the chance to get that, it is the most satisfying ending. But I have hope we're getting them there.

[frankenjoly]

fanfic writer interview!

tagged by @anticidic & @aurorahrt tyy <3

How many works do you have on AO3?

so far it's 123, and the number is going up always lkdjf. to be fair, i've been on ao3 for araoun 7 years, and a lot of stuff is drabbles.

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

Connecting the dots. arcane/lol, genfic + baby timebomb.

people yearn(ed) for fluff after arcane, and so do (and did) i. family shenanigans ft. baby powder's puppy crush.

Between the pages: part 2. bsd, misc of ships.

2nd batch of bsd drabbles (and damn, the collection has grown A LOT).

Misread. genshin, jealuc.

jealuc from barbara's pov, relationship reveal kinda since she gets full confirmation there.

Remnants. arcane/lol, jinx-centric timebomb.

post-s1 bit of a character study vs pinning and regrets. it's not unrequited, we know now more than ever that it's not, but it kiiinda looks like it from her pov.

Por el amor de este presidente... bsd, fukumori & (vs) fukufufku.

the bsd Crack Fic so far, mori and fukuchi team up to crash any dates fukuzawa has with other people (since both want him back) but are also rivaling each other (since both want him back), pm members & hd try to avoid overwork.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

always! i need to give my thanks lskjdfl.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

remnants maybe? and it's not full-on angst. neither are, tho, i'm a pussy.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

here i cannot choose, most are pretty happy lksjf.

Do you write crossovers?

oh, yeah. i even have a whole-ass series dedicated to that (aka the dnd-ish au, and i'm very proud of it.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not straight up hate, but i've had someone coming to my fic tagged with 2 ships involving the same character (gojohime and shokohime) to say one is canon and the other are "just friends gal pals etc" lkjsf. my sibling in christ, none are canon.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i've dabbled in smut in rp (not super explicit tho), but i don't think i could go past suggestive/pre-smut making out on fic lkjf. it's like, more ppl are gonna see it there.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

save from that one page who reposted everyone and their mom's fics some time ago, not really.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, but if it happens, @rashomune is my #1.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

this is a terrible question for someone as indecissive as i am lksj. i do tend to have a fav ship tm from all of my favs in each fandom (for example, if i had to choose just one bsd ship it'd be sskk), but choosing just one at all from every fandom? i can't.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

rather than a started wip, it's a concept that could be sooo good but scares me (but also haunts me). aka: the sskk call of the sea au.

What are your writing strengths?

i'm confident in what i do in general, i can improvise easily (i think rp influences this), and i've been told i'm good at characterization + showing which character it is by their speech.

What are your writing weaknesses?

english nerfs me. like, i don't think i do bad per se, but i'm even better in spanish.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i'm used to mixing english and spanish for dialogues in rp, but i don't really do that in fic. i do add some words here and there, and use the honorifics for japanese characters and so on.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

mhmm... a ton lksjfl. a very specific example is yelan/emilie (genshin), aka very rare rarepair i got into just bcs they have the same jp voices as shokohime.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

again, i can't choose lksjdf.

tagging: @ashenaura @littencloud9(no pressure ofc)

[rockanroller]

the one thing i sympathize with viv on is the fact that she likely *was* unfairly hated on when she was a teenager on deviantART who couldn’t defend herself well. ppl loved to shit on teens for making edgy and “sparkle dog” art back then and harass them for no reason—or poke/enrage them for fun (which all still happens to a degree today.)

and yeah, ppl have differing opinions/expectations on what level of maturity should be expected from teenagers at varying ages. for me personally i remember being a teen as constant suffering, even past 19 into my early 20s. and if mental illness is involved—which it was for me—that shit is maddening. so i���m generally fairly forgiving of how someone acted as a teen.

seeing her lament in her 2018 “apology” about how people weren’t giving her a chance, knowing how despite growing up online with fans she also grew up with a lot of haters, i really felt for her. i don’t doubt that she’s suffered to some degree there.

all that said, it led me to give her a chance when HH was coming out, assuming she was really trying to be better and had grown up by now. and while i think she’s changed in some ways, her behavior increasingly let me down over the past 4-5 years in ways that showed, to me, that in other ways she hadn’t changed.

it’s like she’s still stuck in that stage of her life, the unfairly hated teen just trying to make her art online. and i don’t doubt how she was treated then really fucked with her, but it’s been a decade, it’s time to move on to bigger brighter things.

by extension, i think a lot of her fans see her the same way (unfairly ridiculed teen just trying to make her art,) but the fact is that’s not what she is anymore. what people “hate” her for today is much more than just “being edgy,” and even if she was just as “unfairly” hated today, she still has a crew and HUGE fanbase of people who love, support, and defend her.

she’s making money, she has a show she can do whatever she wants on (HB) and she has a show that’s going to be released into the mainstream on a big streaming service (HH.) she isn’t a small innocent troubled teen fighting against an onslaught of trollish haters anymore. she’s a successful adult, and needs to move on.

bc the fact is there will always be people out there who don’t like you, even hate you. that’s the case for everyone. it’s an unfortunate fact of life we all need to learn to live with.

i will probably always sympathize to some extent with the wounded teen that’s inside viv, but the adult outside her needs to step-up.

[watsername]

What are your thoughts about?

I was gonna try and collect my thoughts coherently before I started talking bu ti cant be bothered doing that so like. about the dream and that one circle of mcyt that just fucking hate them .

actually this is about how I have felt observing the dream space recently.

im uncomfortable?? not with the dream team, I still really love them and I enjoy their content and I do still watch sap naps streams if im awake for them but honestly taking time just to spend time on my f1 blog has been like a weight lifted from my shoulders.

just talking about dtblr, ive seen people trying to make the best of the situation by live-blogging sapnaps streams making jokes spreading positivity for all 3 of them but it doesn't really of much to take away from the pressure of the situation. Every day it seems like some cc somewhere has something to say about dream or George or sapnap and every day we rush over here to discuss it. it almost feels like theres this pressure to perform and to respond to what is being said, we need to discuss everything as a controversy no matter how stupid or insignificant the situation is and we contribute to the snowballing of tiny things that honestly dont need the attention the theyre getting and its tiring to watch. like im at the point where im scrolling past 'did you see what x said' because honestly I dont give a shit I dont give a shit about a cc who spoke to the dteam on discord maybe twice talking about their 'truth' I really dont care .

im genuinely just fed up with the way the creator space and fan spaces behave. Dream posts 'pls talk to me' and creators say 'but that won't get me clout' back to him.

who gives a shit if dreams stole punz girlfriend. who cares if dream sent a dm that might have been considered rude to Sara Simons a fully grown ducking middle aged woman with better things to do than start twitter drama. who gives a shit about sniff having one insignificant negative interaction with dream over a year. none f this is your fucking turret its just airing out high school level petty drama that could easily be fixed with a fucking dm . its pathetic. the way so many creators are going 'I too am a victim' and its 'he sent me a private message I didnt like' who fucking cares. and all of this 'ill stream explaining my story' what story. that he made a joke in bad taste. its performative. they want views they want twitters support they want to seem like theyre on the RIGHT side so theyre just pulling any old story out of their ass to add to the mentality of the mob and make it seem like yes I too hate dream because he is so awful when in reality he was probably just a bit of a twat like a lot of guys in their early 20s are . the only way hes gonna know that he did something that made u annoyed or upset or even mildly fucking miffed in the case of Sara fucking Simons is if you tell him. and we saw that bc 5 mins later shes saying oh its all fine he messaged me . see how fucking easy it is to actually fix these tiny ass issues if you actually have a conversation before launching a hate campaign on twitter dot com . and people going off to run with it and add it to the pile of 'poof' they have. hell ive seen someone saying they appreciate dream saying they want to talk about situations and saying they want to chat with him about an experience they had with one of his friends like what does that have to do with dream actually why not just take the initiative and talk to the actual person involved instead of making dream do it for u. its all just drama mongering

on a more serious note I really dont know how to feel with the whole situation with caiti. George didi fuck up and im not moving from that stance- whatever happened he made her feel uncomfortable and went on the defence instead of prioritising apologising to her for the way she felt about the situation.

what I cat fucking stand is how weirdly this situation has evolved. the initial statement was that he had touched her waist and tickled her and cat didnt like that. THAT CONTACT the touching of her waist was spread across twitter as a sexual assault. which its fucking not and it pisses me off as a victim to see how loosely terms of sex crime are being thrown around bc no matter how uncomfy you are touching your waist is not a sex crime. there was no mention of inappropriate touching actually, just that he had crossed a physical boundary with her and ive already talked about why I can empathise with that delayed reaction in feeling deeply uncomfortable with the situation . so it confused me as to why people on tiktok were spreading misinformation that his hands were down her pants and cat coming out of left field with he was grabbing my tits. because none of that was ever discussed in any of her prior statement and that seems like pertinent information when were discussing sexual assault. and from what ive seen her friends timeline of events dont match up with hers. her timeline of events onset even match up that well with her other comments on the situation and all of it just feels so fucking odd. why do the details change depending on who you ask and when you ask them

but I wasn't there. I dont know what actually happened. having experienced it you automatically hold that understanding towards her despite all the backlash because people blamed me too, they didnt believe me either and you never want to completely dismiss it no matter how weird the story seems because what if. keeping myself in the situation is stretching myself in two different directions where one is dismissing the claims of assault because nothing adds up and the other is she might be like me .

the reaction to caitis initial statement has snowballed extremely out of proportion if u ask me. nobody needs to know everyones personal grievances with dream or George or sapnap and to say that youre sharing these to support victims is a straight lie bc it has nothing to do with victims they receive nothing from your story that he made a bad joke 3 years ago or whatever and everything to do with the fact that you are utilising an opportunity to gain relevancy again and I dont want to partake in their relevancy.

I dont want to partake in any of this fucking drama actually. it's non stop. it's constant. its all over my dash all day every day but maybe its just the ppl im following idc. but I dont want to come back into a community where im going to find myself fighting to justify why I still enjoy the content of some creators while there are other creators receiving less vitriol for breaking the literal fucking law . its exhausting . its been years of it for me .

im not mentally well. I have a lot going on in my family life and I didnt realise how bad things were until I told my work friend I hadn't seen in a while my 'family drama' and she and the assistant manager pulled me aside and said 'im so sorry youre going through that right now are you dealing with everything alright?'. I have my final exams within the next month. I need to pass these to graduate. I have so much that is already causing me stress in my life and so much of the misinformation around the situation is so triggering and untagged and I dont want to log on and see another bout of 'x responds to x' 'x talks about dream' 'x shares thoughts on George situation' . I cant fucking do that right now.

people have called it the cowards way out, bailing at the burden of controversy but im not switching sides. im not deactivating. im not becoming a dranti. I still talk about the dteam i still like the dteam but I cannot force myself to endure other peoples stresses at the time being . thats all ive been thinking about rlly .

[lalalaugenbrot]

15 questions + 15 friends tagged by @nougatbit

1. Are you named after anyone?

i don't think so but as far as i can retrace my name it's greek, somehow ended up in russia and then was made popular outside of russia via doctor zhivago's lara/larissa... (still have to read that!)

2. When was the last time you cried?

I cried from an allergy i have to certain skin cremes last night at the cinema... apart from that i don't remember atm but certainly not long ago

3. Do you have kids?

nope

4. What sports do you play/ have you played?

i did swimming when i was like 14 (i still like swimming a lot but i'm not in a club or anything anymore)

5. Do you use sarcasm?

no :-)

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

this has always been a weird question to me... their??? face?!?!! (*laughs nervously* wouldn't that always be the first thing to notice about someone???)

7. What's your eye color?

blue

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

a weird opposition. i don't really like horror movies and i prefer the ending a story needs and deserves, so some stories (e.g. a story on two traumatised young men who love and need each other more than anything or anyone else in the world in a mediocre prime time crime show) certainly deserve a happy end, other stories (e.g. a film that displays some severe social grievances) often should not have a happy ending because there isn't one to be expected in reality either... except for sometimes, for example, when it is about two queer men in 1913 Britain, finding and loving each other against all odds and all social norms, written by a gay man in the same era, then of course a happy ending can be imperative even :-)

9. Any talents?

people don't tire to tell me how ~creative i am... and that despite my apparent total lack of (visual, auditory, sensory) imagination 🙃 so there's that

other than that... i think i am good with words and i write since i literally can write and nothing brings me more joy than having written.. writing has been like the most important thing in my life for 26 years now even though it has always been something that happens more like 'in the background' of everything else

10. Where were you born?

in one of the (imo) most village-like "Großstädte" of Germany... if i told you where you'd probably know it because of one specific thing... i've been all the way to other continents and people knew it just because of that

11. What are your hobbies?

most hobbylike things are probably analogue photography, building stuff around the house (shelves etc.) and going to the cinema (or like film in general)

12. Do you have any pets?

no, but i had mice and i miss them... if i had more time and more space to have an adequate place to keep them i'd like to have mice or rats again...

13. How tall are you?

1,73

14. Favorite subject in school?

hm. not sports. i had a 'compulsory optional course' in physics/informatics and i always say it changed my life bc that's where i understood that i like and am good at technical and computer stuff... i also liked pedagogy (nrw superiority), the obligatory history course in 12th grade specifically and in the last years also maths... god do i miss solving math problems 😭😭

15. Dream job?

i wrote this in my friends journal when i was like 10 and it is still true but i think i am a bit past the point where this will ever happen but it's 'director ' (of films)... but that involves networking and other people and putting yourself out there... and uh... i just don't see that happening (i have directed but not in the slightest professionally), the other one of course has always been 'author' and i guess that could still happen... someday in the future maybe... you know, when I'm a grown-up

tagging: @diersten @tiny-steve @sinnsenke @mcfif @black-cat-aoife @silverysnake @free-piza @lachricola

[myloveforhergoeson]

ash's may 2024 reading round up

find all the books and fics i read this (more like last...) month under the cut with a link to the synopsis and my reviews/ratings attached :)

this is just for fun! i'm not a professional, i just like to read <3

booklist!

Wotakoi: Love is Hard for Otaku by Fujita

(no link to an official author website bc i couldn't find one, but i bought all six books at barnes and noble!)

• review: full disclosure, this is not my first time reading this six book manga series, nor will it be the last. it's one of my favorite stories of all time and i pick it up whenever i need some comfort or reassurance :) wotakoi is three interwoven stories about adults navigating the grown up world while still harboring a love for their favorite manga/anime/videogames and whatnot from their childhood; some are unashamed of this fact like the mmc hirotaka who is unabashedly consumed by his love of videogames, while others have had bad experiences with others after being "outed" for lack of a better term like his childhood best friend and eventual girlfriend fmc narumi who does everything to hide the fact she is a fujoshi mangaka and anime obsessed girlie! the two reconnect after many years of being apart by learning they were offered the same corporate job and rekindle their friendship --> relationship :) literally has me in tears i love childhood best friends soooooooo much. there, the two make friends with the other main couple, mmc kabakura (moderate otaku, loves anime) and fmc koyanagi (crossplayer otaku). later on in the series we also get to know hirotaka's little brother noya (non-otaku!!) strike up a friendship and eventual relationship with ko (a socially anxious videogame otaku). i think it's just such well written about adulthood and learning to be who you are without fear of judgement from others. hirotaka helps narumi work through her past fears and anxieties, discovering together they they are able to surround themselves with people who love them for who they are and share the same interests. i also really love that all three relationships are distinct from other other, one being a rekindling of an old friendship --> lovers, one being long established, and one being so fresh and brand new the two don't even realize they have feelings for each other!! i could go on and on about this series, but i always feel so warm and loved after reading it <3 literally could not recommend enough. and if you're not a big fan of manga, the story has a one season anime out too!

• rating: 5/5 times i was reminded i love my friends <3 one of my favorite manga series ever!!!

2. Unfortunately Yours by Tessa Bailey (18+!)

• review: ughghsuiohaiofaobfa tessa girl i love you soooooo much so much so much so much. but idk this one was just kind of mid. run of the mill story, not characters i was super interested it, but i enjoyed it nonetheless. if you read my april review, i read the first book in this duology, secretly yours, and i really loved it! this book was about julien's sister, natalie, and her somewhat enemies to lovers relationship with navy seal turned winemaker august. due to a series of unfortunate circumstances, natialie and august find themselves in need of lots of money very, very fast. the only issue is natalie's father is old school misogynist and won't release her trust fund until after she's married, and august can't receive a business loan until he's a well established member of the napa valley community and has at least one employee besides himself at his winery. the solution? a marriage of convenience, of course, until these two get exactly what they need from each other. the issue? they have a less than stellar past with each other and a whole boatload of assumptions about their partner they slowly learn to unravel and relearn throughout the story. now normally im a suckerrr for marriage of convenience but idk i just don't think i cared for the characters enough to super be into this one. probably my least favorite tessa bailey book honestly, out of six or seven i've read? not because the story was bad, i just don't really think enemies to lovers really works in modern settings. there were lots of good parts though! bailey is a master of 'he fell first' and it is very clear that even after their rocky start, august really cares for natalie. despite the relationship starting as a sham, he's a wonderful husband and looks out for her among the community members, and most importantly, her own family. they were pretty electric together but i think that's their only redeeming quality for me lol. so yeah, not my favorite from tessa bailey, but i had a good time reading it. worth the flip through to have read both books in the series <3

• review: 3/5 times i thought "really? all this for some wine?"

fic list!

fake fanfiction reader i didn't complete any of the stories i'm reading in may... but i have been really enjoying reading the assorted btr works of partiallypearl and ceruleanmusings :)) i've read far more this month than the last, so june's list will be far more coherent i promise!!

[scary-monsters]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @crown-of-winterthorne, thank you friend!!! 🧡🧡🫶🏻

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 33 total! i've got 8 for jjba, 25 for haikyuu

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 473,497 🤯🤯🤯

3. What fandoms do you write for? currently only jjba, i don't anticipate anything else for a long time since my major interests tend to last for years

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? unsurprisingly they're all ushiten 😭 i won't link them but: "i'm a house with no windows" (200k friends-to-lovers), "shuffle" (fake dating/only one bed tropes), "fascinating facts about geckos" (high school teachers au), "on display" (nsfw oneshot), and "morning routine" (my very first fic ever posted :')) aw)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i try to!!!! sometimes i get really behind (like i am right now ugh) and that's either because i'm busy or i can't properly put my gratitude into words 😔 but i think i get to most of them eventually. i don't really reply to the ushiten ones anymore, but they still mean a lot to me.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i.. don't think i have any?? i love writing angst but i really cannot handle sad endings.. i'm a sappy little romance-obsessed fool, i fear i'm incapable of anything but sweet and fulfilling endings

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i mean it's gotta be "i'm a house with no windows".... they literally grew up together and got married and then visited their hometown as middle-aged men.. i don't know if i can out-do that. but if we're talking jjba then probably my most recent diego fic, "ritz to the rubble"

8. Do you get hate on fics? i have before LMAO, nothing too horrible but honestly i just shrug it off. i like my writing and i know lots of other people do too so i can't be bothered

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? ummmmmm yes.. i write a lot of it HFDSKLHGKLS.. i won't detail that here bc this isn't a nsfw blog but my ao3 speaks for itself.

10. Do you write crossovers? nope! the idea hasn't ever even crossed my mind

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? i feel like.. i remember someone telling me that one of my ushiten fics was on wattpad at one point but i never saw it myself and that was years ago so ??? MAYBE?? i truly don't know

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? i couldn't find evidence of it but i remember someone requesting to translate a fic of mine to chinese?? and i had no problem with it but AGAIN LOL these things happened in like 2016 or 2017 so it's been a hot minute and my memory is garbage

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? not really, i attempted to collab with a couple friends in the past but it really didn't work out very well.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship? diego and me (im kidding. kind of.), i mean currently it's dinopants and dinoballs. i love diejoni as well but the other two reeeeaaally hit that sweet spot for me. i like ushiten in a way that's like... aww.. those were my boys and now they're grown up and moved out ?? they are cute but they aren't My Guys anymore

15. What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? UGH I HAD a dinopants university au that i started over a year ago but i ended up using one of the previously written scenes for my recent fic so i doubt i'd ever finish the original one. for the most part i finish what i start, though.

16. What are your writing strengths? DIALOGUE !!! at least to me, anyway. i think i'm really good at getting into a character's head and analyzing them and how they'd handle social situations, which is funny bc i have trash social skills. i fucking love character analysis in general

17. What are your writing weaknesses? i think i tend to overuse words sometimes... maybe lean too heavily into dialogue.. i'm always always always trying to get better, so in a way i think i look at everything as a weakness that i'm constantly working to improve

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i've tossed in little fragments of Italian when i write gyro but other than that i don't think i'd personally do it.

19. First fandom you wrote for? realistically? naruto 💀 my original old-ass clunky desktop had several word docs of deidara fic, i'm like 99% sure. too bad limewire and heaps of viruses killed the damn thing

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? atm i think it's gotta be extra hot, well stirred, light foam :')) i was so iffy about it while writing but i think it's such a perfect balance of funny and sexy and i'm quite proud of it. it would make sense to say a fic from a while ago but i don't like my writing from back then.. i just think i've gotten so so so much better

IM TAGGINGGG @reclusiverisottonero @swallowed-teeth @hammerofspace @penny-lane-123 @phvntom-limbs but no pressure, lovingly patting y'all on the head regardless 🧡

[heymeowmao]

2023.05.01 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321324896663167697065

Happy May 1st!

LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Welcome!  LYN: Happy May 1st, International Worker’s Day.

C: Have you eaten yet? LYN: I haven’t. I’m not going to- we want to... be tough. If I don’t eat tonight I’ll be thinner tomorrow.

C: Are you going to a meeting? (bc of his look today) LYN: No, who’s going to hold a meeting on May 1st?? It’s vacation. Everyone’s out traveling, nice and happy. No meetings.

C: I knew you would stream today! LYN: How did you know? I didn’t even know, but you did? If you’re going to be like that then I’m going to leave. I just don’t like being seen through. I don’t want people to know what I’m thinking. I’m going to leave, then. Give you an unexpected surprise. Alright? Bye, everyone. Good night. C: You always stream for us on a holiday. LYN: No, I don’t~ That isn’t my intention. It just happened that we wrapped up earlier today so I came to stream. There’s no unspoken rule that I come to stream on holidays. We always meet, so there’s no need to meet especially on holidays. It’s not likely.

C: Gege, I’m playing with my friends outside. LYN: You play, then. Have fun. Since today is 5/1 and I know a lot of you are out having fun. I just want to remind you to be careful and obey traffic laws. Hold your bad tempers at bay. We want to be presentable.

C: How long with you stream for? LYN: Just a while and then I’ll log off. I can’t be here all the time, to give you the false impression that I don’t have work to do. How old am I, to be streaming day-in and day-out? We wrapped up work early today, so I wanted to come and chat.

C: Da-ge, where’s your hair? LYN: I shaved it bald. You may not know, but my internet handle is “Shaolin Shi (Four(?))”. I shaved my head bald and I’m wearing a wig. // This is a new wig, it’s not my real hair. I told you before, when I get off from work my hair is all flat. You saw it last time, didn’t you? C: What if I don’t believe you? // What if I want you to take it off to prove it? LYN: Believe it if you want to! Do you think you’re very important? I don’t care.

C: I’m watching your stream from the beach! LYN: Oh, my goodness. The vibes that must be giving. Wonderful. Thank you. LYN: Also, I grew up in Dandong, which is a popular tourist destination. Whenever it’s around holiday break season there are so many people in the city. I got used to it. That’s why normally around this time I don’t go traveling. One of the reasons is that there are just too many people. People, everywhere. Even if you go say, hiking. I remember once I tried going on 5/1 up to Fenghuangshan (Phoenix Mountain). There were so many people on the mountain it felt like standing in line instead of hiking. It didn’t feel very novel, so I usually try to go wen no one else wants to. These past five years I haven’t been able to travel anywhere, though. It’s fine; it doesn’t matter. Anyway, I hope that when YOU go out to play that you have a fun time. C: Then you don’t have a day off today? LYN: If you know me you would know... I don’t really have an impression of a “day off”. I don’t much care for all the holiday breaks, because from the moment I graduated from school I entered straight into society. I started out in the service industry, as a cook. I was a cook for a while, then served as a waiter. When you’re in the customer service business there isn’t really a concept of “holiday break”. Think about it- you’re traveling and you go into a restaurant to eat. I’d be the one serving you. I didn’t have breaks. I never have. Even when I was a sales clerk in a clothing boutique. These “holidays” actually gave us much more business. C: Did you get holiday pay? LYN: I’ve grown to this age and have never even THOUGHT of getting holiday pay. Not only are you not paid extra on holidays, if you ask for a day off they’re going to dock you. This is why I don’t have much feeling towards holidays, so I don’t think of wanting to going anywhere. I’ve been like this from the start. (First, because his family didn’t have the means and later because he was working.) Now I expect it even less.

C: Ning-ge, it’s my birthday. LYN: Your birthday is today, May 1st? What a coincidence. Then, you can imagine that today’s stream is especially for those celebrating their birthday tonight. :) The meaning is suddenly different, isn’t it? This stream is for everyone who is celebrating their birthday today. I’m giving it to you- it’s your birthday gift. LYN: Now, I will sing “Thirty Year Old Woman” for you. ~ She’s a thirty year old... never-been married woman~

C: Ning-ge if you go on variety shows you can travel every day. LYN: Friends, you might not have ever filmed for a variety show before, though I know that there might be some artists lurking in my stream. There’s definitely lurking artists or celebrities in here. I’m talking to YOU! I’m sure there are artists in here, but most of you probably have never filmed for a variety show before. You might think we go to some destination and play. Let me tell you- it’s exhausting. It’s not how you think it is. One episode of a variety show, when aired, is about 1.5 hours. But in reality we start recording at 9 or 10 in the morning and record until 9 or 10 at night. There are usually no breaks in the middle. Maybe you can run to the restroom at some point. But the cameras are pretty much rolling the whole time. LYN: So honestly sometimes doing a variety show is even more exhausting than drama filming. With variety shows you have to be alert at all times, since you have to have something to show for yourself, right? You have to contribute something to the game, but you can’t be too serious or else the netizens are going to say you’to too competitive. If you’re not serious enough, though, they’re going to say you were skimming by. That’s why while shooting a variety show you have to maintain that you have an alert brain and clear intellect. You can maintain your intellect for five or six hours but after 12+ hours you’re going to start to get hazy.  LYN: You have to be sure that what’s coming out of your mouth is filtered. Otherwise once the show broadcasts, you’re going to may easily be cancelled. Do you understand? So, going on a variety show really is a tiring experience. Artists don’t have it easy, either. LYN: Sometimes after I shoot a variety show I get back to the hotel and I feel numb. It’s like my soul’s been sucked out of me.  LYN: You had said that going to shoot a variety show is equal to going on a trip- honestly, it’s not. It’s tiring work and at some point you’re not in the mood to play around. If you really end up on some travel variety show then to you the trip becomes work. You won’t find it as interesting as you thought it would be. So.. I don’t think you need to rely on a variety show in order to go travel. It’s not worth it. Your main focus should be to go there to work. 

C: What’s wrong with Daimi’s tummy? LYN: Nothing’s wrong with it, she’s just fat. She eats too much, is all. 

C: Come to Zibo to eat bbq. LYN: I’ve heard that Zibo bbq has been getting popular lately and it’s really good. I don’t have the time to go try it, though. Also, Dandong’s bbq is pretty famous itself. In the crew we often marinate meat to grill. My marinated meat is really tasty. If I get the chance I’ll share the recipe with you. I’ll teach you how to marinate beef. I’l shoot a video and share it to weibo for you. You can marinate your own and grill it at home.  C: I want the meat you marinated yourself. LYN: Why are you such a busybody?? I said I would share the way I marinate meat with you and you shoot back with, “I want to eat the one you made.” ??? What are you pretending to be so weak and fake for?? Are you an actor? If your mom buys 2kg of oranges home and give you two of them and tells you to peel and eat them, are you going to tell her, “No. I only want to eat the ones LYN peeled for me himself.” Your mom would slap you silly. Are you acting over there? Oh my goodness... LYN: Friends, just because of this one person, I won’t share my secret recipe with you anymore! Why do you want to eat the one I marinated myself? Do my fingers have a special taste to them? Or are my nails a “medicine” and you want to eat them? [t/n: ??? ew.] It’s not worth it. Why do you need ME to- /sigh/ I can’t with this.

--

C: As long as you don’t open your mouth... LYN: I know what you’re trying to say. As long as I don’t open my mouth, I look pretty decent. But as soon as I open my mouth my whole image collapses. That must be what they mean. When I don’t speak or am quiet, or if you mute me I look decent. But as soon as I open my mouth that image collapses. LYN: /sigh/ You must not know me very well. You probably haven’t seen me act, have you? But that’s right, it’s not like I’ve been on very many. You probably don’t have a strong impression of me speaking Standard Mandarin so listening to me right now... gives off the impression that I’m crazy.  LYN: ~ Honestly, I can speak Standard Mandarin. And my voice.. can also change. I welcome all my friends to my stream. Today is May 1st. Thank you for accompanying me. This May 1st stream is dedicated especially to those of you who are celebrating a birthday today. You can think of this stream as my birthday gift to you. ~ LYN: ~ I want to recommend to you a new song of mine that been released. It’s called 云字诀 (Yun Zi Jue); the theme song of the drama The Ingenious One (Yun Xiang Zhuan/YXZ). The ending theme song. It’s May 1st and the drama has started airing. If you have the time, you can go to iQIYI and watch YXZ. ~ LYN: I’ll kill you with perfection!

C: Lao-da, don’t “pinch” (the tone). LYN: I didn’t “pinch” it. This is my normal tone. >.>

C: I was planning to watch tonight at 8p, but you started streaming. LYN: Don’t say such nonsense. What are you doing. There’s nothing to prove here. I told you to go watch YXZ, and you come back with “If you hadn’t streamed I would be watching it. But you’re streaming so I’m not.” Don’t- don’t throw me under the bus! Who am I?? You go watch yours, I’m not important. I’m definitely not as exciting. Go watch, it’s 8p. Don’t watch me. I only sang the OST. How peculiar.

LYN: I discovered another peculiar thing recently. Well, maybe not recently. From about a year ago I started noticing peculiar topic. I don’t know if you’ve seen it? “Hey.. these past couple of years why has it been the same people singing all the OSTs? If it’s not LYN, it’s MBY or ZS or ZBC. Why is it always them? We’re tired of hearing them already!” This topic came out of nowhere. And then! When a drama DOESN’T use these people they will say, “This company didn’t spend any money. Their production isn’t good enough- they didn’t find any of those people who sing OSTs. Their project is lacking.” What is it that you WANT??? Are you trying to drag us down so that you can bring your own singer up? It’s not necessary! As long as they are skilled enough they will eventually come up on their own. We’ll continue to do our own thing. C: Ge, of course you understand. LYN: I’m already a thousand year old fox, what old news are you trying to show me? (He’s been through the ups and downs of this industry already and has seen it all.)

--

C: It’s my first time catching the splendor of the live stream. LYN: It’s not that amazing. You can’t use “splendor” to describe my stream. I think that’s thinking too highly of me. I’m just a market. I only provide the goods and people can come and go and listen as they please. It’s just that basic.

C: 座无虚席 (It’s a full house. lit. “a banquet with no empty seats”) LYN: Are you describing my stream as such? Well, my stream never had seats (lit. “a place to sit”) to begin with. Where you’re sitting depends on where your body is and your own family means. If you have a nice house then you’re sitting on a 30K sofa. If you don’t have such a nice house then you might be sitting on a stool. But you’re still watching and wherever you happen to be sitting is the front row. It’s all front row seats- VIPs. LYN: There was a friend earlier who said they were watching from the beach, wasn’t there? That’s also very easy and comfortable. A lot of people like to watch my stream in their car. They’ll connect their phone to the car’s audio system and leave my stream playing with the car doors closed. It sort of feels like a movie theater. That’s quite a nice way to experience it. C: I’m sitting on the table.  LYN: Get down! It’s impolite to sit on the table, get down from there. Some friends- C: I’m watching from a tunnel. LYN: That’s not necessary! Do you think watching in a tunnel will make the echo greater? it’s not worth it. Get out of there, the wind is too strong. It’s dangerous. Here, how about I create the feel of a tunnel for you? /adds echo/ Get out of there. Don’t watch from the tunnels. I can imitate the tunnels for you. Come out from there. That’s why, friends- C: I’m watching while laying down. LYN: That’s fine. You can watch however you want and wherever you want. You are the VIP. You’re front-row. It’s okay. C: I’m introverted. I need to watch in the sewers. LYN: You’re watching from the sewers?? ... Then, be careful down there. If you took the manhole cover off and you went down without closing it behind you it can be dangerous. First, because someone might step on your head. Someone can fall from above and step on you. That’s quite dangerous. Secondly, if you went down and DID close it behind you but then a car parks on top of it, you’re also in a little danger. Have you not watched Crazy Stone? You go down into the sewers to watch my stream and close the lid behind you. A truck parks on top. They finish off-loading their product and ends up parked there for a week. That’s dangerous, so please don’t go into the sewers to watch. C: Ge, I’m watching from Mount Taishan. LYN: It’s already past 7p, start your way down the mountain. It gets dangerous when it’s dark. Make your way down, quickly. Stop watching. If you’re making your way down the mountain, watch your step. Don’t look at your phone. If you do, you’ll be rolling down the mountain. Turn off your phone, watch the trail. C: I’m watching in my Maserati. LYN: Showing off your wealth??! C: I’m in a Ferrari. LYN: Good for you, for having money. How wealthy~ LYN: Alright, let’s skip this topic now. 

C: I’m watching from in front of your hotel. LYN: Are you trying to ambush me? It’s rare for you to get a holiday break so why don’t you spend it shopping/wandering around? Stop squatting in front of my hotel entrance.

C: I’m watching from my 100+ sq meters bed. LYN: Your bed is 100+ sq meters? .... ??? .... My house is in 80 sq meters, and your BED is 100? Are you living in a dorm where the beds are all lined up against each other? The kind that can hold 200 people at once? Amazing. LYN: After you wake up from your 100+ sq meter bed, are there 18 helpers who bring you tea and pour you water, too? They tell you, “Young Master, it’s time to wake up.”  So you stand up in the middle of the bed, and drive your Ferrari to the bed’s edge. (?) At this time, your personal butler tells you, “Your father has a 20B business proposal he would like you to accompany him to.” You smirk and show your 18-pack abs to your butler and tell him, that no- you have to work out today. You make your way to the gym. You realize that in the gym, there’s a pretty and refined looking girl already on the treadmill, exercising herself. At this time, you walk over, point a finger in her face and tell her, “Get out.” She replies, “Don’t think you’re all that just because you have money!” The moment she turned her head- you are addicted. It’s the first time in your life anyone has ever yelled at you in this way. Nobody has ever dared to contradict you. This is the first girl who has ever made you feel this way. You feel like your heart has beat 18 times. You call over your butler and you tell him, “I want all of that girl’s information in three minutes.” The girl says, “You’re crazy!” and leaves the gym. You want to chase after her, but you also don’t want to make yourself look so self-deprecating. You return to your room where the nanny who’s looked after you for 20+ years comes to check on you. She tells the butler, “I haven’t seen the Young Master smile like this in years.” C: Are you going to continue? LYN: There’s no need.... LYN: At this moment, three minutes later, your butler returns. He tells you the girl is some company’s artist- just a small actor. You use your family wealth to buy out her company. You want to be her boss. The girl is not impressed by your money, and wants to terminate her contract. But you have already had your legal team put conditions into place, where if she wants to terminate her contract, then she has to pay you back 400B. You take 500B and invest in a drama with her as the lead to butter her up. She is determined not to accept; she just wants to escape from you.  C: 400B? LYN: That’s right! As a dominating CEO, you should have that sort of wealth. You’re going to use 400B to invest in a movie and find LYN to play your male lead, and the girl as the female lead. The important part is to have LYN also sing an OST. You take a bunch of money, throw it at LYN’s face and tell him- “Name a price. I’ll pay no matter what it is.” LYN: What you didn’t expect is for LYN to take the money and throw it back into your face and say, “You must be crazy. You think you’re all that just because you have money??” You’re stunned, and think to yourself, “This guy is so unique.” You want to be friends with him for life, because it’s the first time anyone has ever thrown money back into your face before. You turn to your butler and say, “I want all of this guy’s information in three minutes.” XD LYN: Alright. Change the topic. C: Is this allowable? LYN: What’s wrong with it? Can “brotherhood” not be filmed anymore? C: What happens next? LYN: Please watch the next stream to find out. C: You would have forgotten by the next stream. LYN: I won’t. C: Ning-ge, the two of us are brothers. Let’s film this together. LYN: /laughs/

--

C: Ning-ge are you at home? LYN: Erm... don’t pretend to care about me when it’s clear that you don’t. If you really followed me then you would know exactly where I am right now. But I’ll tell you- I’m not at home. I’m in Xiangshan right now. We’re filming- this is a hotel, not my home. No way is my house as luxurious as this.

C: Ning-ge, do you have a lifetime pass to play at Disney for free? LYN: Based on what? Why should I have that right?? I don’t have such benefits. If I need to buy tickets I should still buy tickets. Also- I’m not the type of person to take advantage of others. If they want to give me tickets to come play at their park, I tell them no and that I want to buy the tickets myself. I have to buy them myself. It’s not as if I am lacking the money, so why should I take advantage? Honestly. LYN: Last time I did a stream around Hengdian, right? I bought my own entrance tickets to all the attractions. But, I do have an actor’s pass and I would have been able to enter all the same with that. Still, I bought tickets like normal. I don’t particularly like taking advantage- if I need to pay, I should.

C: Ning-ge, turn off the background blur. LYN: It’s not on, this camera is just like this. It has a focus so everything else is blurred. Let me show you what it looks like if I really turned on the background blur. It looks like this. Do you see it? Even blurrier. Let me turn it off- there, it’s a bit clearer now.

C: You’re trending- #LYNHas18-PackAbs LYN: Did that Young Master from earlier buy this topic for me? He took 400B to come mess me up?  LYN: Am I really trending, though?! I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to think about the optimistic outcomes. I don’t like when you tell me nice things, because I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed (when I find out it’s not true). That’s why no matter what I do, I don’t let myself have very high expectations. They’re still pretty high, though. Someone told me I was trending but if I pick up my phone and see that I’m not? I’ll eat my phone. I’ll eat this iPhone 14 Pro. Don’t trick me. I have a sense of awareness. LYN: Don’t trick me. If you really have nothing to do (活, huo2) you can chew on a lighter (火, huo3). This joke... if you don’t have "huo” (活, work, huo2), you can chew on a lighter to make “huo” (火, fire, huo3). I don’t really WANT you to chew on a lighter, it’s just an online expression. Don’t take that seriously and think, “Ning-ge wants me to chew on a lighter, so I’ll go do that.” Please, no. Calm down. C: What joke is this? LYN: People online say, “If you have no talent then go chew on a lighter.” You know, sometimes people are like that ~“Friends, come take a look, I’ll show you a talent!”~ and they take a bunch of lighters and just- bite them open. it looks terrifying! But that’s what they say online... It’s just an expression, and I don’t advise anyone to actually do it. It’s dangerous.

C: Daimi moved! Daimi moved! LYN: She’s only asleep, not anything else. Isn’t it normal for her to move, friends? Fam? Bros? C: Does she always sleep this much? LYN: What is the life of a little dog other than sleeping and eating? She doesn’t really have any dreams to pursue... It’s fine, isn’t it? As long as can happily live out her life.  C: I want to be LYN’s dog in my next life. LYN: It’s not worthwhile. I might not even be a human, in MY next life. you don’t need to plan for your next life, just live well in this one. We can have a happy life together and that’s good enough. There’s no need to think about the next life.

-- 云字诀 (Yun Zi Jue), The Ingenious One (Yun Xiang Zhuan/YXZ) OST

LYN: The room’s too dry. I feel like my nostrils are so dry... I’ll drink some water.

C: /asking about TXJ/ LYN: TXJ? I know it passed the censors, but I really don’t know exactly when it will air. Probably not very soon, though. Passing the censors is one thing, when it will air is something else entirely. It’s not that it can air just because it passed. There’s still blocking to do. Another thing is... I haven’t sung the OST yet. Voice acting is done. It’s possible that they won’t use me for the OST, though. That’s also possible.  C: I really want to watch your drama(s). LYN: Soon enough. It’ll air this year for sure. Nothing to do but wait, and hope that you can see it faster.

C: ZY is almost done right? LYN: There are several days left. Not more than 20 days left before it wraps. 

C: Is 春花厌 (Kill me Love Me) real? LYN: /no comment/ LYN: That... what should I say...? You all keep asking... /thinking/ I.. I’m not going. It’s a great project and the script is good. But I’m not going. I’ll keep working hard. C: Is it so difficult to answer? LYN: No, because the project is really great and if I tell you I’m not going to be in it... It’s difficult in that if I say I rejected it, you’ll think it’s because it’s not a good project. But that’s not the case. It really is very good. I just don’t know how I should have phrased it. I am close with the producers and they really respect me. We have a good relationship. It’s just a hard thing to say. The fact of the matter is that I’m just not going to be in it. LYN: There are always projects that you’ll miss, or projects that come to look for you at the same time. The internet will always spread rumors, that this person will be in this project and that person will be in a different project, but you don’t hear an official response either way. I think this non-response is the correct way to respond. Because it’s just hard to say for sure. For this project the reason why I’m able to say I am not participating is because the producers are good people. But if there are baseless rumors, then I’ll come to refute them directly. If my studio or I didn’t receive any correspondence on a particular project that I am rumored to be in, I will come to tell you directly. It depends on the timing.

--

LYN: I was scrolling through a video platform one day and saw something really funny. I was thinking I would save the video and then play it during my stream so we can watch it together. Someone took my scenes from dramas I’ve acted in and cut things I’ve said during my streams into the clips instead of the original dialogue. For example, they take what I’m saying right now, and they put it over a drama clip. But it didn’t look out of place at all! I saw it and laughed so hard I almost pulled a muscle. I was thinking I should have saved it so we can watch it together- it was quite amusing.  C: Bai Choufei? LYN: No, it was a Hao Du one! It was- Leyan asked me if Wei Shuyu had been captured and I replied, “What’s it to you??” I laughed so hard I almost died. C: I want to see it. LYN: Let me see if I can find it. Hold on. Let me play a song (while you wait). // It has a really high view rate! It was so funny... Ah, yes. It’s called “Rebellious Hao Du.” Let me see if I can download it. I don’t think I can. - video time! - (no audio that the viewers can hear, but ning-ge is amused) LYN: Oh, there’s no audio? /sigh/ Why didn’t you say so sooner?? /continues nagging/  LYN: How about now? Is there audio? Is there? Still no?? // ??? What does this mean?? - /troubleshooting/ C: Take your earphone out. LYN: It has nothing to do with my earphones! You think this is like on your phone? No that has nothing to do with the audio input... // How about this- does this one have sound? /plays a different clip/. This one does. LYN: What’s happening?? Let me adjust the settings. // How about now... still, no. I don’t know what’s wrong. It used to be able to play but I don’t know why it’s not working today. // Let me try again. /sound!/ It should be working now! Right? I don’t even need to ask. It’s working right? See, I’m a genius. I can do anything. LYN: Okay, let’s go. -- “Rebellious Hao Du” videos (aka if Hao Du spoke with Dongbei dialect XD)  LYN: I really want to thank the person who put these clips together. I spent the other night laughing so hard I almost couldn’t take it anymore. 

LYN: I like playing differently than other people, so I was also thinking of finding videos of people’s commentary on me, and we can watch together how they complain about me. Let’s watch what they have to say. But I was watching a video and as if targeting  me wasn’t enough, they tagged a bunch of other artists in the video too. Since they mention the other artists, now it’s not convenient for me to play the video, since I don’t want to drag them down with me. I’m looking for a thrill myself, not looking to provoke others. It would be a show, for sure. LYN: It counts as being an anti but there’s a sliver of truth in what they say, after all. They were talking about my upbringing and stuff like that- which, is true. I just take it as entertainment. I want to know, other than that, what else they have to say about me. It could be a project. Later I’ll see if I can make it happen.  C: They’re doing it for clout. LYN: What sort of influence do I have, that they can piggyback off of?? What do I do, that makes me so popular? Them and me, we’re basically in the same industry. I’m here streaming, and that makes me a blogger, doesn’t it? It’s just that I do everything- blogger, singer, actor. I sing OSTs and hold concerts. I have a bit of a bigger repertoire, is all. But from certain aspects we’re the same.  C: As long as you’re paid, you’ll accept any job. LYN: What the heck are you saying?? I’m not like that! There’s no way I can be. Ever since I debuted up until now, I have not once accepted a single business proposal. Those give the most money, but I haven’t accepted any. For example a business opening, or a some brand event- I’ve never gone to any of those, and they pay A LOT. So what do you mean “as long as you’re paid, you’ll accept any job”?? LYN: I’m sure not many singers can say they’ve done the same. But, this is what I /want/ to do. This is how I’m unique. Even if I’m starving and can’t afford to feed myself, I wouldn’t take such a job.

C: Ning-ge, I have a question. Why is it that when you sing, you don’t sing a full version? LYN: I don’t need to sing the whole song. It’s not like I’m holding a concert here. If you want to hear a full version, you can listen to the recorded track. I sing here just to interact with you all. It’s just a small corner. Look at those variety shows- other than music variety- usually when artists sing on a variety show, they don’t sing the full song either. Our stream also goes the variety-show route, not the musical-variety show route.This is more of a slice-of-life stream. I don’t need to sing the full song. When I hold my concert I’ll definitely sing it all for you. In my stream all I need to do is hum along and sing a few lines, for the effect. 

C: I want to hear a false tone, Lao-da. LYN: I don’t know- are you crazy?? I saw you spamming, and I don’t know what’s there to hear?? I’m speaking in a false tone right now! Huh? I’m using a false tone now. Does it sound nice? Do you like it? [t/n: Mickey Mouse...]  LYN: This is a false tone, how is it? C: Is it Minnie Mouse? LYN: “You’ve reached the third floor.” “You’ve reached the fifth floor. Your room is to your right.” // If you go to the Disney resort, isn’t the voice in the elevator like this? C: It’s exactly the same... LYN: If you don’t believe me you can go look it up! The voice in the elevator at the Disney resort. Then you’ll know how similar it really is.  C: Sounds like a monkey. LYN: This is Minnie Mouse’s voice. C: I’ve never been. LYN: When you get the chance you should go experience it. Take a stroll around and check it out.

C: Now I can listen to your stream and sleep. LYN: You’re sleeping at 8:30p? Are you getting up in the morning to exercise? Or is it because you’re on break, so you’re getting up early to go hiking tomorrow? Collect some dew? Alright. Go to sleep.

C: I haven’t lived there before. LYN: The Disney Resort, honestly, is a little expensive. Normally- like the last time I went, it was for an event. I went to Disney to sing, right? So they arranged a free accommodation for me... so I was able to... give it a try. 

C: Talk about your new variety show. LYN: I haven’t been on any, so what’s there to talk about? Usually, if I were currently shooting a drama or a variety show, I would come back to tell you fun things that happened to me during the course of recording. But I haven’t been on any varieties yet and I’m still currently shooting the drama. If I had anything to share, I would share about the drama. 

--

C: Have you determined your next drama? LYN: Nope. I already said earlier, right? It’s not like the world owes me. There’s no way work can come to me, one after another. I don’t have the right. I haven’t determined my next move. LYN: I was THINKING I would... take on a variety show. To rest a bit and work on my songs. That’s what I was thinking but if there’s a project that I like too much then I might still accept it. I’ll skip the variety and take the drama instead.  LYN: The other thing is, when I’m acting- I don’t really have a lot of experience. I have a few scripts but haven’t had a chance to look through them yet. I wanted to take a look at them when my mind is more quiet. For the ones that are in a rush for decisions, I’ve skimmed through them and have turned down the ones where the timing or something else doesn’t work out. There’s still a group I haven’t looked at yet, so I haven’t decided my next drama. Let’s not rush it. If it comes down to it I can rest for a while and do two variety shows.

C: Are you considering modern dramas? LYN: Of course. I intended on accepting a modern drama. They take a lot shorter to film- around 100 days. Also I’ve six dramas waiting to air and five of them are guzhuang. I was wondering if I should switch it up- do a modern drama before coming back to a guzhuang drama. But if there’s a guzhuang drama that I really like, I will still choose it. That’s just what I was thinking... so of course I will consider modern dramas. C: What about suspense-dramas? LYN: Of course. I myself really enjoy suspense-dramas. If any really great script comes for me, I can definitely consider it.  LYN: With acting.. there are still circles. If you keep shooting guzhuang dramas and people keep seeing you in them, they tend to keep you in mind for guzhuang dramas. If you always shoot modern dramas, you’ll get to know a different set of producers and start moving in that direction. It’s not set. But right now I haven’t really done any modern dramas- other than the one with Tao-jie. Modern-day scripts really haven’t come in for me as much as guzhuang drama scripts have.  LYN: Another thing is- my dramas haven’t even aired yet! You might get the feeling that I’ve been shooting dramas for a long time. From debut until now, it’s almost been five years- I’ve been shooting dramas for three and a half years, maybe four. In this time, including ZY, that’s 10 dramas. Can you imagine? I’ve already filmed 10 dramas. I was just running through it the other day and was amazed it added up to 10- supporting and main roles included. Not counting cameos. I’ve filmed 10 dramas, but only four of them have aired and I’m a supporting role in all of them. If I want people to take an interest in me and use me for their projects, it needs time. After three to five dramas, people only start getting to know that you are acting, and the suitable roles will come in. Not because I’m amazing- only that I am suitable for the role. - /runs through his whole drama repertoire again./ -> RXSN (HBY) > ZJBJ (UN) > CGX (TLB) > SYXSSYX (Heroes)

LYN: The standards people nowadays have though.... as long as the drama doesn’t explode in popularity it’s considered a flop. If they haven’t seen it, it means the drama is a flop. Another thing is that maybe the drama, in a certain period of time, is the highest ranking drama- But no, in the viewers eyes it’s a flop. Because they don’t think the drama is as good as... Empresses in the Palace (2011). They don’t think it has the reputation that Nirvana in Fire does. It’s just a flop- there’s nothing you can do because that’s a subjective criteria. Honestly, a lot of dramas do really well for themselves. Otherwise why would we keep making them?

LYN: Not many of my dramas have aired, but when they do I think they’ll just be average. I’m just a rookie actor, after all. I’m happy enough to be able to act at all. That’s already a gift from god. If it turns out to be a role people like, then I should light an incense to thank all the viewers. I’m just a singer- no- just a cook. A cook that was able to make his way around until he could be an actor and a singer. It’s a life I never could have imagined for myself. I’m extremely happy to even be able to act. If it’s a role that people like, on top of that? I’m over the moon.

--

LYN: I don’t think I saw properly, but I might have seen someone just say, “Then it’s time to make dinner, hometown friend.” You’re from my hometown? And you want me to go back to cook... how about not? Honestly, I admit that I didn’t have much of a talent for cooking. I think the best I can do for myself- the highest level I can reach is as the head cook in a ramen shop. If you want me to rise ranks in the chef ladder I don’t think I can get very far.  C: Then, do you have talent as a singer or actor? LYN: Of course not. I have even less talent there. I don’t have talent- I rely on my hard work. Not that I’m trying to boast about how hard I work! I just want to say that I don’t have much talent. People tend to ask me if I had a knack for singing and I want to say that no, I don’t. My talent is “liking to sing”. I was able to get to where I am today not because I have talent in music itself but because I like to sing. I really like it, so much so that no one can stop me. Acting, too. I like it but I don’t have talent in it. It’s just a passion. LYN: I watch people acting every day and then I find a secret corner to practice in. I just like it. Sometimes I wonder if I have a mental problem. I’ll be in a corner /acting out a scene by himself/ and someone sees me- I look at them, then pretend nothing happened. Sometimes you’ll see leaks of me on set and I have an “abnormal” expression, to which you say, “Ning-ge’s immersed in the role. He hasn’t walked out of the scene yet.” I’m not actually that serious, I’m just thinking about how I should execute the scene. Or I’ve just seen someone else act something and I want to remember it so I’m processing it through my brain, trying to get the feel for it. I’m not yet to the point where I can get so immersed in the scene that I can’t walk out of the role.

LYN: I’ll tell you something I’m not afraid of being shamed for. With every drama and every actor I work with I always think that there is something I can learn from. I have room for growth. Every director, drama, and fellow actor I have worked with/on- will give me reason to grow. This isn’t a shameful thing. The first time I shot Heroes- it was the first scene on the first day of filming. The director was Li Muge; we weren’t close then, it was our first time working together. If I remember correctly, the first scene we did was when Hua-popo took in Xiaoshi and I, into her house.  LYN: Is it lagging? // It was just for a second, it’s alright. It’s a problem with the computer and the connection. It’s okay. It passes in a second. LYN: That was my first scene, and even then I didn’t quite know how to act. I told you before- once you enter into a drama crew and start filming, there’s no way you are in character starting from your first scene. You haven’t been able to build rapport with your fellow actors yet. Even with dancing- there’s still rehearsals and practices, right? On the first day of filming everyone is a stranger and you don’t know the director’s style or the acting style of your fellow actors. On the first day of filming I was a little dazed. LYN: We had a scene that night, it was coming from the small yard of the place Xiaoshi and I were living in. It was the day Fuzi had been killed by Guan Qi, and we had attended his departing ceremony. We left the house and SMZ and I were outside and we exchanged a few words. That was my first time shooting- the first day on set. So I acted, and I was serious about it. I’m a fairly stupid person, so I did some homework beforehand. I had gone over it with my acting coach, about how the scene should play out. SMZ and I did the scene. When you first enter the crew, you’re going in to get used to the working environment, too. After that scene the director said, “Let’s go again.” I didn’t know any better, so I just acted it out again. After that, the director said again, “Okay. That’s good. Let’s do it again.” I did it again. We shot that opening scene three times. After that third time the director told me, “You... did those three takes the same way each time.” I said, “?? Yes, I did. Because you didn’t say the first take was no good. You didn’t tell me that’s not what you wanted...” “I thought my profile wasn’t handsome enough so you wanted to adjust the lighting and find the proper angle, to make me look more handsome. That’s what I thought.” Or “Was the lighting bad just now, and you were looking to get a better shot so you wanted me to act it out three times. It turns out that’s not what you intended...” LYN: I wasn’t familiar with him at that time. Every director has their own style. At the start we didn’t have any chemistry. But he was the first director to point out my problem. From that moment on- It was a lesson to me. That was my first time filming and it was a blow. My first scene and he gave me such a blow- it was a blow to ME- because I- - /stops mid-sentence because the stream lagged and he’s waiting for it to catch up/ LYN: It wasn’t exactly embarrassing. When we’re working on business or doing something for work, this is a normal occurrence. But for me, that was a blow because suddenly I felt all this pressure. From then on I would require myself to think of at least two ways that I can play out a scene. If one way doesn’t work out I’ll change it up for you. I’m not trying to praise myself- I’m just saying that that drama made me practice and have the ability to give something different. If one way doesn’t work, I’ll change. If that change doesn’t work, I’ll change it up again. LYN: Director Muge knows how to pick actors. He himself is a performer; he understands acting. When he gets to the set he always says to me, “Ning, come here. How do you plan on acting out this scene?” I’ll tell him, “Director, I thought about this scene for a long time. For this scene I’ll start off sitting here and calmly say my lines. After that, at this part, I’ll pour myself a cup of liquor. After I down it, it’ll go to my head. I’ll start following the feeling and speak until I don’t have breath. At the end of the line, I’ll pour myself another cup and catch my breath. Later, I can use a drunken tone and then eventually, it will reach a climax where I can give it everything I’ve got. After I give it my all, I’ll pause, let the flow return to normal pace, and end with a smirk. Director, what do you think? That’s how I was thinking of acting it. Is it okay?” The Director says, “Okay. Act it out just how you told me. Then, give me something different.” /sigh/ /hiss/ I’ve already wracked my brains for that set-up alone, you know? I’ve even lied on my bed and thought for a whole hour about when I should stand and when I should sit, when I should push it, and how to close out the scene. I thought about it for an hour. Then the director says, “Okay. You do it just how you told me, and then- give me something different.” Saying and acting it out is two different things. I was just telling him what I was THINKING of doing, but if you really wanted me to act it out as I said that’s a different story. Not only do I have to act it all out the first time, I have to also think of ANOTHER way??? How do I do that?? LYN: But sometimes after I shot the first take the director thought it was passable and didn’t make me do another. I tell myself that I must have given him a little surprise. Or perhaps he had a sliver of satisfaction, so he let me pass. But from then on, my communication with the director went like this- before we start shooting the scene we’ll do a walk-through and the Director says, “Ning, come here. Tell me how you plan to act out this scene. What have you got?” and I tell him, “I don’t have a plan. Director- I haven’t thought about this scene. Why don’t you tell me how you want it? Give me advice. Surely you know better than I do. How many years have I been and actor and how many years have you been a director? You surely know better. Give me a good direction. Director, it all depends on you now.” The Director says, “Okay. Do this, this, this, that. etc. What do you think?” to which I reply, “Okay. No problem.” Then- “Director. Based on what you’ve told me, I have a new idea. What do you think about this-” I won’t tell him what I think first. I want to know what HE wants. If he gives one way and I give my own thoughts after, then we have two ways the scene could go, right? LYN: A drama crew is like a mini-society. If you want to survive then you have to think for yourself. That drama gave me a lot of training on cognition and how to develop my own thoughts. Every day in the Heroes crew was like taking a test. My mind was spinning. It was tiring but really helped me to develop. After that drama I clearly felt like a different person coming out of it.  XD

-- break #1 (upstairs neighbors are fighting)

LYN: I’m back. C: The connection isn’t good. LYN: Yeah, it’s a hotel and not very stable at this time. Also, everyone’s using it so it’s normal that there might be some lag. // The upstairs neighbors aren’t fighting, they’re watching YXZ. It aired today- May 1st. I thought they were fighting.  - /calls Daimi back to the sofa/ C: I thought you were on the top floor? LYN: What do you care?? I changed my room.

C: Ning-ge, when will you act in a xianxia drama? LYN: Hey, now that you mention it... I used to have a fear of xianxia dramas. I told you this in my last stream, too. I am someone with a strong sense of logic. It might take me some time to digest the worldview of a xianxia drama. Not to say that I don’t watch or that I don’t understand xianxia dramas.  LYN: I enjoy playing Chinese Paladin; I’m a gamer at heart. I’ve been playing since CP3, and now I think it’s on CP7? I’ve played every installment, so I am amenable to the xianxia genre. But if you want me to act in one, and say those lines... I think... the thing about lines is that I have to believe what I’m saying. I’d need some time to get used to it. But I sang the OST for CYJM/TtEotM, so I watched a bit. After watching, I suddenly thought I might consider acting in a xianxia. I was moved by it. I used to be afraid of them, but after watching the drama I thought it’s something I want to try. LYN: I think the special effects are really cool. You can just be standing there and all this magic happens around you. - /adds his own sound effects/ LYN: I think it’s cool. I can give it a try.

C: You have to have a strong sense of belief. LYN: I think it’s alright. It’s not much different than acting normally. It’s the same, really. Let’s think about “normal” guzhuang dramas, like wuxias. When you are acting as a dead person, are you really experiencing death? No- it’s all in your imagination. You have to imagine what it would be like if you were dead. You have to believe that you are dying in order to properly act the right condition. It’s the same. Just like how in a lot of xianxia dramas you’ll be consumed by demon energy- /acts it out/ “Quickly, kill me! While I can still control it. Trust me. You have to kill me!” Things like that- you’re acting it out yourself. That’s having a sense of belief all the same. It’s like how in wuxia dramas and you’ve been poisoned, and need to act out being on the verge of immediate death. /acts/ “This baozi.. is poisoned!” /dead/ It’s all acting. It’s all the same. LYN: The only difference that I can think of is that many of the scenes of a xianxia drama are shot in front of a green-screen. Actually, normal guzhuang dramas do use it a lot as well. It’s not like we don’t use it at all. Wuxia dramas aren’t all real-terrain. We record in a green/blue-screen tent, too. It’s all the same. I think the “sense of belief” is similar. Of course, I’ve never done a xianxia drama, so I could be wrong. But I get the chance I do want to try experiencing it, and I can share how I feel about it with you.

C: /trying to tell him to watch what he says/ LYN: I really don’t think you need to try to teach me how to be a person and how to speak. You really don’t need to teach me. I know you mean well; you’re afraid that I say something wrong and am cursed by the masses again. I know, I understand, and I am aware. But this is a stream, and this is my style. If I didn’t say anything and I just sat here smiling/laughing then this stream would be meaningless. Alright? Just keep me company, that's all you need to do.

C: When are you going to do a Republican detective drama? LYN: I wasn’t thinking of... I’m good with anything. I’m not looking to so any genre in particular, mainly if the script is good enough, anything is fine. One thing is the script, another is who the director is, and who the production crew is- those are all very important. The actors, as well. It requires some comprehensive considerations. It’s not as if I can just accept ANY drama of a particular genre that comes my way. I’d exhaust myself. LYN: There are always going to be things that come your way that are unreliable or that you don’t like. Sometimes when you read through a script it doesn’t coincide with your principles, whatever they may be. I believe that the script is extremely important. Unbelievably important. People like to comment on an actor’s performance, but the script is really the foundation if you’re looking to build a tall building. If the script isn’t good enough then anything you try to build on top of it is unlikely to work out. 

LYN: With some stories when you reach a certain point in the scene where everything is working out and no words are needed, the actors shouldn’t say anything. But it’s written in the script that you have a line of dialogue. So as an actor, do you say the line or not? When you encounter a Director who is clear-headed, that’s okay. Of course, all of the directors I’ve met are all very clear-headed. This is what I’ve heard from fellow actors, at least. If you meet a Director who doesn’t know what they want... how are you supposed to act? They tell you to stick to the script and even though you know the script doesn’t make sense, you still have to follow it. What can you do? That’s why... choosing a script is the most important part. C: The actors can’t change it? LYN: Of course, they can but only to a certain extent. Actors can only- Oh no, I’m getting too deep. It just- It depends on each director and crew. It’s a difference in personality. Some dramas won’t let you change a single thing about the script. Not even one word. Some directors are very strict about it. For example, if the line goes, “Have you eaten yet?” (你吃饭了么?), but you say (你吃饭了吗?) It’s no good. Retake. There are directors like that.  C: Can you change lines in ZY? LYN: ZY... our director is very prolific thinker and the actors I’ve been working with are all very mature. For some scenes we’ll get together for rehearsal and we’ll try to make it fun. For example we’ll get through what we need to say for the script and then try to think of ways we can add onto it.  Something funny or something that’s out of character- we have the creative liberty to do that. It’s different with each drama you enter- the actors are different and the director is different. 

C: Ning-ge, why don’t you do a horror movie? LYN: People have been telling me to do that since very early on. I guess I must look like a ghost. /sigh/ I won’t. Because I’ll be scared, myself. Also, have there been any horror movies lately? No.

C: Are you considering comedies? LYN: Comedies... of course. They’re the most difficult, though. I heard the director say something the other day that I thought was very reasonable. He said “The most expensive actors in this world are comedians.” I thought about it.. and I think it’s reasonable. They’re hard to come across.  LYN: I didn’t say that- the director did. If you want to fight me on that, then I won’t fight you. These actors are hard to come across. It’s not something you can accomplish just by having a handsome face. That’s something entirely different. C: Ning-ge, you have a talent for comedy, so why don’t you try it? LYN: That’s not true. You might think I’m very funny but it’s just surface level. You might think that some of the topics I choose to talk about in my stream are interesting/amusing and it’s enough for a variety. But if I wanted to be in a comedy than it’s far from enough. On a variety show you can continue a joke or make a quip but acting is totally different. Forget about acting- even if you’re just standing there and giving a small talk it’s a difficult thing. It’s not so easy. Really- for every industry, every profession needs to be looked upon with respect. That’s important.

C: Ning-ge, act as a villain. I’m begging you. LYN: A villain. I can do that. I also like- rather, enjoy - acting as a villain because I think you can bring more into it. There’s more of an acting range; you can play with it more. I like and can accept villain roles. C: Don’t act as a villain. I’m begging you. LYN: Look at that, these two are about to fight. One side wants me to act as a villain and the other doesn’t. /sigh/ It’s fine either way, because I don’t have the right to choose. It’s others who need to choose me. I accept whatever comes. I don’t have a lot of choices. LYN: But when I acted as the villain BCF I was cursed by a lot of people. After I acted as BCF, I saw a lot of comments that were saying they wished LYN went out and got struck to death by a car. They’re so cruel. They watched the drama and became agitated, You can tell just my looking at the comments. It’s not worthwhile, alright?

C: It’s because you acted too well. LYN: Don’t try to sweeten me up. When you go out- and I said this before, too- don’t go around praising me acting skills. What young actor would dare to praise their own performance? You wouldn’t find one. Of course, I am not very young anymore. But don’t praise my acting skills. I don’t have any. It’s my honor if you are able to like the role I’ve played in a drama.  C: Then I won’t praise your acting, I’ll praise your visuals. LYN: /laugh/ Do you WANT me to die??? Are you trying to mess with me? LYN: I can only say that my fans have confidence. They have said that I’m handsome- that’s okay. But they’ve never GONE OUT and said it. My fans have never gone out to opening praise my acting or my visuals. They keep it to themselves and that’s okay, but they’ve never gone out and openly praised me. Also, I’m my own boss so I can make my own decisions on how I decide to promote. I am very clear that I have never gone around promoting my appearance before, have I? Even with my streams I always go the self-deprecating route and call myself ugly. We’ve never gone out to push my visuals onto people, right? I think that’s just fine. I have confidence in myself and I know that my fans have confidence in me. It’s enough to have this tacit understanding among ourselves. If you think I’m handsome, just say that in your own house. Please don’t go outside and feel the need to share with people. “LYN is so handsome!” It’s not necessary.  LYN: I also advise fans of other people not to going around praising someone else’s looks, either. There’s nothing to say, right? [t/n: just stating the obvious, if someone is handsome. people have eyes, right? but also beauty is in the eye of the beholder.]

LYN: But then I got to thinking... what artist out there DOESN’T have some unflattering pictures of them, right? What artist in this industry has never had a bad shot of them? I was thinking about this, so I went online to look it up. I searched for four hours and have yet to find an answer.  C: You sure have a lot of time. // You even looked it up online. xswl. LYN: You really believed I did? XSWL. [t/n: xswl = 笑死我了 = I’m laughing to death.] LYN: The “four hours” I mentioned was a topic that took my brain four seconds to make up. Your perception of time and mine are different. C: You could have used those four hours to stream. LYN: “Four hours” was my brain taking four seconds to think about the answer to the question “What artist doesn’t have unflattering pictures?” . . . . Who dares to say that they don’t? I can find a bunch for you immediately. What’s unfair about it. I might have a but more than most people, is all. My pictures don’t even make a splash, they make an explosion. Other people might pop- like a piece popped corn- just a small ripple. My pictures make an explosion- like using a popcorn machine to fry crayfish. They’ll explode all over the walls. Nothing but ashes and dust left.  LYN: No matter what drama or variety show I end up on... I am never going to match up in terms of visuals. I admit it and I’ll own it. Please do not go around praising my visuals. If you like how I look then you can entertain yourselves with it. We don’t need to get more people’s recognition. Fish find fish. Shrimp find shrimp. A tortoise is likely to see eye to eye with a mung bean. We count as having seen eye to eye. There’s nothing else you can say. (Unlike popular opinion) You think I’m handsome. That’s okay. I thank you for that.  LYN: These past couple of days I keep seeing pictures of what I looked like five years ago. Every time I come across a video of myself from 4-5 years ago, I am thankful to my fans. When I see one of those videos I say, in my heart, “Thank you to my friends. Thank you to my fans. Thank you to my family.” 4-5 years ago I was just a... just a baozi. I had swollen eyes and when I smiled it was like a mantou exploded. I was a male artist with a belly. Looking back on it now my hairstyle and my clothes... seemed to be lacking. Whenever I see old videos I always think to myself, “Why didn’t I think I was ugly back then??” Why didn’t I ever consider losing some weight or something? I was just satisfied as I was. What was I thinking? I know that you think I have developed quickly, but I think I was too slow. I should have started considering being more self-conscious the first year I debuted. I should have tried to make an effort to improve my appearance more. Maybe my development would have been even smoother than it has been. I’m very thankful to the fans who have stayed with me from then until now.

C: I like how you were before debut better. LYN: You can like it however much you want but I’m not going back. The old street in Dandong is still there. If you want to go there to play, you can go by yourself. I’m not going back. I can’t change my life just because you liked me better that way. You like what you like. It has nothing to do with me. 

LYN: I didn’t consider myself handsome back then, but I also really didn’t put as much effort into my appearance as I probably should have. I just thought, if I were going on a show, that I would do what I needed- apply some makeup, do my hair, choose an outfit. Other than that I didn’t have any standards for how I thought I should look. I didn’t think it was something I should pay much attention to, because I was just a singer. If you’re not on stage then most of the times you’re in the background. Unlike an actor, who is constantly in front of the camera. Singers aren’t the same- we might only show our faces occasionally but otherwise we’re all just sitting around at home. 

C: But back then you were really close with your fans. LYN: Am I not close to you now? If I’m not then why would I be sitting here? What am I doing, why am I streaming? Ever since I’ve debuted I believed in this one thing: You may not know where you’re going but you have to remember where you came from. Sitting here streaming, having the mindset I do, posting to weibo and the group chat- these are all things I can never forget.  LYN: But if you mean the method by which I communicated with you, it’s not suitable anymore. (Streaming on the street in Dandong, having his fans crowded around him.) It’s not the same circumstance anymore. It’s not as if I can just chat with you while I am on the drama set, now. I can’t stop to chat if I see you. I came here to work. LYN: The “close” I’m talking about is the familial “close”. Why are you like this. Just like how a child is close to their mother or father. Not the “kiss” type of “qin (亲)”. This is why we can’t communicate. The “close” I was talking about was in reference to RELATIVES. “This kid is close to his mother.” not “This kid went to kiss his mother.” You people, really...

--

C: Lao-da, I just got here. Are you wearing a wig? LYN: You just got here. And? Who are you trying to announce that to?? Don’t assume you are very important. LYN: It is a wig, yes. :) LYN: You just came in and you have the guts to announce it? It’s like greeting your teacher when you’re tardy. Tardy is tardy. And you’re going to call yourself out for it?

C: The lyrics are gone again. LYN: You’re so interested in learning?? You came to learn English? (bc the current song is Charlie Puth’s Loser)

C: Why were you wearing this same shirt in the last stream? LYN: I can’t afford any more. Are you satisfied with that answer? It’s because I can’t afford to buy any more. I can’t survive. LYN: I’m in Xiangshan, how many clothes did you expect me to bring??? I wasn’t planning on bringing multiple sets to stream for. I was just thinking I would bring something I could be comfortable in. I’m not at home. If I were, I’d have clothes to change into. Why would I bring a bunch of clothes out with me? It’s not like I’m a model or anything.

C: Is your leg okay now? LYN: It’s pretty much okay now. I don’t feel anything from it most of the time. It still hurts when I run, though, so I haven’t been doing much of that. I don’t run. In terms of normal walking, it doesn’t affect me at all. Please be reassured. 

--

C: Ning-ge, I’ve applied to be in the fan group so many times already but I’ve never been admitted.  LYN: First of all, if you want to be admitted to my fan (chat) group you have to be subscribed to my weibo. If you haven’t done so yet, then please do. The second thing is... not everyone who applies is admitted. Mostly it’s fans of me, only. For example if you like three people at one time, then it’s not really appropriate. Of course I welcome you to be my fan, but it’s just not appropriate to be added to my fan group... because in there we share a lot of secrets. If you’re in three fan groups at the same time our moderator is going to have a hard time. C: Liking three people at the same time? LYN: Honestly that’s very normal, isn’t it? It’s just like that hardcore fan earlier, who said “I watched TtEotM and think LYX’s so handsome.” We all know he’s handsome. Now that they’ve watched the drama they can’t be considered my one and only fan anymore. There’s an 80% chance they’re already a fan of LYX now. They’re double-booked, now. It’s normal. There’s nothing you can do about it. LYN: Many of my current fans used to be fans of someone else. Times are changing, is all. For a lot of you here, can you say I was the first idol you ever started chasing? No, right? It’s normal. People come and go, I know. But I still can’t accept (when my fans leave me). 

C: I watched TtEotM and started liking LYN. LYN: But I’m not an actor in it??? Did you see a toad in there? You saw a toad, thought it looked like me, and therefore started liking me? If you have that ability, I guess it’s okay, too. // I wasn’t in it... Oh! You mean the opening theme? Don’t you all have VIP access? You can skip the opening, can’t you? All you hear is /sings the last words/ “Episode 1″ . /sings the last words/ “Episode 2”. You only hear the last two words.   C: I don’t skip it. LYN: .... C: After you skip there’s only one word. LYN: Right! I said it, didn’t I? What, you started liking me after hearing a single word? With most people it’s “love at first sight” but with you it’s “love at first word”??  LYN: There was a person who said they don’t skip the intro, but didn’t someone earlier say they started liking me after listening to the opening theme... This is a paradox. If they don’t like me, why WOULD they listen to the opening? Why don’t you just like me directly? There’s no need to say you like me just because you listened to the opening. You can skip the middle part (listening to the song) and like me from the start. When I’m explaining things like this, are you able to keep up? [t/n: like this: (Viewer > Listens to the Opening > Likes LYN) vs (Viewer > Likes LYN)] C: Maybe this friend doesn’t have VIP membership. LYN: ... !! /thinks it over/ When you put it that way, it’s reasonable. Someone said they didn’t skip the intro and I was wondering, if you were all VIP members, how could you not? But then someone pointed out that this person might not be a VIP member, and that makes a lot of sense. But the thing is, friends, do you have a finger? You must, right? There’s another way, which is called the progress bar, and you can put your finger on the screen and gently move it, right? [t/n: if you have a touchscreen...] You can PRETEND that you’re a VIP. Do you think that’s a possibility? LYN: The benefit of a VIP membership is that you don’t have to take the extra effort it takes to move your finger. It automatically skips the intro for you. But if you’re not a VIP then you can manually skip it. In either case, you can still skip it. It’s not that just because you’re not a VIP member you have to watch the intro with your eyes wide open. If you close your eyes the video pauses, and when you open them it plays again? It’s not that the video only plays when your eyes are open...  C: I’m mesmerized by the singing, I become unable to skip. LYN: You know what? There are some friends in here who really know how to say sweet words. I’m half-worried that you’re actually scammers. You speak TOO well and it makes me feel so nice. Really. You’re all here to fool me. 

C: Can I watch the drama if I’m not a VIP member? LYN: Why are you asking me? Do I look like the platform’s customer service agent? Go try it yourself! Why are you asking me?? Just go on Tencent and Youku and take a look. What are you going, treating me as customer service... Shall I introduce you to the terms and conditions when purchasing a VIP membership? What your benefits are and how many times you can make a comment?  C: Ning-ge, I’m waiting for your dramas to air before I purchase a membership. LYN: That’s okay. That’s your freedom. You don’t even have to purchase one when it DOES air. But please try. Support the drama a little. 

C: Ning-ge is starting to sass us. The right feeling is coming back. LYN: I don’t think so? I talk back at you every time. But maybe I’m a little more relaxed today than usual. It is a holiday, after all.

--

C: When will TXJ air? LYN: I don’t know. I saw some article the other day, I don’t remember which one, but it said that ALZ would air on 5/14. C: For real? LYN: Probably... I don’t know. But after I saw that article I almost started to believe it, myself. C: Didn’t you say it was going to air soon? LYN: I am also a viewer, okay? Even though I work in this industry, I still don’t know anything. I don’t know when dramas will air or what’s going on with them. I really don’t know. Even if I DID, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I can’t become a gossip blog. LYN: I’m GUESSING- just by my calculations- I get the feeling it CAN air in May. After TtEotM, it can probably air. That’s just a possibility. I swear I am not privy to any insider information. I’m just a viewer, making my own calculations. What follows after CYJM (TtEotM) is either going to be HX (Back from the Brink) or ALZ. I might have this little bit of prior information only because I’ve already recorded the OST for both. When I sing the OST for things, about three days before the drama airs they’ll let me know about it. For example, if I am in a drama they’ll say, “Xiao Ning. Our drama will be airing on MM/DD. You’ve sung the OST for us, right? So would you mind posting about it on weibo?” They’ll tell me these things beforehand. I sang the OST for YXZ and they told me beforehand that it would air on 5/1. It’s like that. So... LYN: If I’m remembering correctly, I did sing one for HX. /laughs at himself for possibly misremembering/ Well, there are only so many dramas in this industry. If I get the opportunity to, I just sing. 

LYN: People always ask me what my M-I-T-L (MBTI) is. I really don’t know. Is that the personality thing? I don’t know if that’s how you say it- I didn’t quite catch it when it scrolled by. I treated it as a game and tried finding out once. I forgot what my result was. Even if I remembered, it’s not like I would tell you. Don’t ask. LYN: MB- what is that? MBTI- Or something? MBIT? Whatever. I know it was pretty popular for a while, and everyone was testing for it. I tried it twice and the results were different each time. I’m not sure if it’s reliable. You can test for fun, but you can’t base the decisions you make for your future on this. Your fate is yours to decide. You’re a rebellious young person. You don’t believe in ghosts and gods, and don’t trust humans.  LYN: These things you can do for fun, but you can’t use it to determine your decisions. There’s absolutely no need. You can take a look, but think of it as entertainment. If you’re willing to believe in it, then you can.

C: Ge, control your accent. LYN: Do I speak with an accent? No, right? Am I not speaking Standard Mandarin? What I’m speaking right now- isn’t it Standard? It’s very typical isn’t it? You’ve heard me speak like this when I’m shooting my dramas, too? /starts reciting some of his drama lines/ Do I have an accent? I don’t right? It’s very well pronounced Standard dialect. C: If you really act with the dialect the director would go nuts. LYN: ? No. For the character setting in itself, I’m a person from the North. I’m set in the North and Qiao family is set in the South. I’m in the North, so I’m a Northerner. More of the sturdy, tall, manly type. I’m a Northerner in the drama, so is it a problem that I have a Northern accent? No. It follows, right? If I were shooting a xianxia and I had an accent, then you can pick one me. This is just a normal guzhuang story. What, is there some rule that states that fictional people in a fictional time aren’t allowed to have an accent? Says who?? C: Then it’d be too difficult to communicate with the FL wouldn’t it? LYN: No? It’s not like she’s speaking Shanghainese... We’re just speaking Mandarin that’s not exactly Standard. 

C: Are you going to be on Mao-Xue-Woof soon? LYN: I don’t know. We’ll have to see when the drama wraps first. If it ends and I have some time I’ll go to play. I’m close with the two of them (MBY & LXQ) anyway. I was telling SZE, when filming wraps, I suggested we go together. She might not have the time so we can’t go together, though. If she can’t go I’ll just go by myself.  C: Ning-ge, is it for free? LYN: Is what free? To what are you referring to? Do you mean to ask if I would appear on their show at no cost to them? It’s not free. If they don’t let me I’ll bribe Xueqin- I’ll buy her some nice meals- and she can let me appear on the show through a back door. It’s not free. There’s no such thing as a free meal in this world. I’ll buy her two roasted ducks for lunch and ask her if she’ll let me be on her show. 

C: I’m going to make a wish- a wish that Ning-ge can be in a xianxia drama. LYN: You don’t need to use your wish on me. Save it for yourself. It’s not worthwhile. Treat yourself better. That’s the more important thing. 

C: I’ve heard too much of the bgm. I’m "sick” of it. LYN: Oh my!? I’ll change it. Let’s switch to something quieter.  - /plays Detective Conan - Ran’s theme music/ LYN: This. This is very quiet, no? // We’ll just use it as background music. Let’s chat. C: Play the main theme. LYN: Do I have a main theme? Based on age... it would probably be 讲真的, right? But if I have any of my own.. I don’t think so. Even though I know that there are songs that people like very much. But the song that really started getting me known was 讲真的. It let my name be known and got many people to know of me. I don’t have any of my own songs that can serve as a main theme. They’re all just alright. They’re considered representative works, but the song that got me known is a more unique category. It’s what the song brought to me, that let me make a change. 

--

LYN: Friends, I’ve been learning a rap recently. Well, not “learning” exactly. When I stream, a lot of you ask me to sing rap so I was thinking I would learn one that was suitable for me. I heard this one and thought it was quite nice.  -- 成仙 (Become Immortal) - 王朝1982 LYN: What do you think? Why are you typing question marks??? In your minds is this not considered rap anymore? Oh my gosh~! C: Don’t (sing). It’s too noisy. - /continues playing the song/ LYN: This doesn’t count? Then why don’t you tell me what type of rap is ideal, for you? I’ll go learn. This, to me, is already very hard. C: Wang Sulong. LYN: WSL... I CAN sing but the problem is there are no backing tracks online.  LYN: /sigh/ Alright, then. I learned for nothing. I won’t sing. It’s off-putting. Fine. I won’t sing. I spent 4 hours to learn a song and I was preparing to show it off to you today. Here you are telling me, “What is this?” and “Wow, it’s too noisy.” Now I’m not in the mood anymore. I won’t try.

C: Try something different. LYN: Um... I do know another! LYN: Does this count? If this doesn’t count, it’s another song I learned for nothing. -- 范进中举 (Fan Jing Zhong Ju) - 卦者灵风 (Gua Zhe Ling Feng) LYN: Does it count? // Alright, alright. You don’t need to try to comfort me. That’s another four hours gone to waste. These two songs have wasted... 8 hours of my life. They’re (the songs) not useful. I guess I am not suited to rapping.

LYN: Let’s do this one. I’ve heard it a lot recently. -- 别叫我达芬奇 (Don’t Call Me Da Vinci) - Xiao Gui LYN: Oh, not this version though. The one I heard the other day was a rock version. If there’s no track for it then we’ll forget about it. // It was this one. -- Don’t Call Me Da Vinci (punk ver) LYN: Oh well.

C: You don’t have to force yourself to rap. LYN: No, I keep looking for a song to sing because there’s something I haven’t gotten to show you yet. It cost me 20RMB and I wanted to find a song so I could show it off. But now it seems like I can’t find the right opportunity. I don’t want my money to go to waste. I was planning on showing you a prop. But with these two songs you’re telling me you’ve never heard of it (1) and you don’t like it (2), so we’ll just forget it. I was looking for something different that is still suitable for showing it off.  LYN: I don’t know any recent songs, because I haven’t been learning them. I have nothing to show. C: You don’t need to show it off if it was just 20rmb... LYN: I don’t want to feel like I wasted my money by not showing it off! // Hrm... there’s really nothing that works. It has to match with the style of this thing! Is there any electronic music, like EDM? I guess I have to search for DZW-laoshi.  C: How about you just go with the first song you were trying? LYN: Nope. You didn’t like it so I won’t sing it. Now I’m looking for something electronic. Let me see if there’s anything that’s suitable... -- 阳光彩虹小白马 (Sunshine, Rainbow, White Pony)

C: Twenty minutes have passed and you still haven’t started. LYN: Once I start streaming it’s going to be for at least a few hours; how else do you expect me to pass the time? // At least my stream is free!  LYN: I didn’t prepare well enough today. Sorry, friends. It’s a little rough-going today. Alright. Let me just sing one at random, but if doesn’t quite match the look I’m going for we’ll try something different. What should I sing, though?? ... If it doesn’t match then I feel like that’s also a waste. How about this. It should be fine. -- Faded - Alan Walker

LYN: What do you think friends, was it worth 20RMB? Just tell me if it was worth it. LYN: Everybody! When I say, “One, two, three, four!” I want you to get hyped with me, ok?! LYN: Everybody are you ready? If you’re ready, say it with me now! One, two, three, go! LYN: Welcome to my party. Thank you. LYN: Disregarding everything else, wasn’t this 20RMB worth it? If I didn’t show this off today I would have felt like I spent this money for nothing. 

C: The lighting is a little lacking. LYN: It’s good enough. C: Does it hurt your nose? LYN: It does. Just the slightest. A tiny bit.  LYN: Are the lights too bright? Did you really think this was a dive bar? C: Can you see? LYN: Barely. I can barely see you typing. It’s just a bunch of little white dots floating by. I can see, more or less. It’s not important.

C: Ning-ge, that looks like a headband. LYN: .... I can’t talk about fashion with you. When I first started the stream someone said that I was wearing a bathrobe. I really can’t discuss fashion with some of you. You just don’t get it. /sigh/ This is a Chinese-style article- can’t you see these sleeves? It’s a long robe. And you’re calling it a bathrobe??

LYN: Alright. It’s about time. I’m going to stop streaming now, friends. I still have a bunch of scenes to go over tomorrow. I thank you all for coming and keeping me company. If you still haven’t subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. If you have time you can come to watch me stream. LYN: I’ve been streaming for a long while now. Let me check for how long...  Three hours. That’s enough. In any case, I needed to show off this 20RMB before I signed-off. I needed to show it, otherwise this money would have felt wasted. I needed to show you. Whether or not I’ll use it again is a question for another time. Most of the time I use something once and I can’t find it the next time.... so I needed to show you this as soon as possible. To give you a... futuristic vibe. How do you say “未来” in English? Future. LYN: I hope you had a relaxing, happy, and wonderful night. It was great to have you and I hope you had fun. Let’s meet again in the next stream. Goodnight, everyone! LYN: Daimi! Daimi, get up and greet everyone. It’s time to get off work! Bye bye.

[trickstarbrave]

the fact skyrim takes place 200 years after oblivion is just a really poor choice. like they do nothing with that absolutely massive time skip and continue to reference things from oblivion and morrowind like most of the ppl who were alive during those events arent fucking dead. you mean to tell me it took the thalmor 150 fucking years to have a big great war with the empire. you mean to tell me the empire has been limping on in a shit dynasty for the past 200 years?

the 3rd empire has been around without a septim ruler for 1/3rd of its existence now and no one really acts like it. all the territories are relatively the same except for morrowind which got fucked by vivec’s stupid rock and places taken over by the thalmor and solstheim being given to the dunmer. you mean to tell me it took 200 years for skyrim to even think about fucking defecting? and its all because they cant worship the IMPERIAL WAR HERO GOD WHO THEY DIDNT EVEN USUALLY WORSHIP 200 FUCKING YEARS AGO??? they still call dunmer in windhelm “refugees” like there arent full grown dunmer born and raised there and they’ve lived through at least 3 generations of windhelm nord rulers. they aren’t fucking refugees if they’ve been here longer than any of the nords living there can fucking remember. and despite the fall of the tribunal dunmer are still telling me they went back to worshipping the daedra like it hasn’t been 2 centuries since morrowind happened, like it’s a recent development i wouldn’t happen to know about.

it feels like the 200 years was just tacked onto the story late in development. everyone is still talking about the great war 30 years ago like it happened 5 years ago. people are bringing up events from morrowind and oblivion and then being like “ha ha yeah that was FOREVER ago tho. even though some of the npcs are still alive :)” its just. weird.

like 200 years is an astronomical amount of time. even accounting for standard mer lifetimes being 200-300 years, for them those 2 centuries was a full lifetime. people who were alive back then should be elderly with kids and grandkids who don’t remember any of it. like yeah obviously even after 200 years red mountain erupting and gates to hell opening across the continent are going to be still talked about bc what the fuck thats wild. but a lot would also change dramatically. dramatically new borders drawn up, provinces leaving the empire not just because of the thalmor in ways that are going to look starkly different from previous games, completely different cultural practices or evolutions. they kind of did this with the nords adopting the imperial pantheon and expected you to not question it except they didn’t do it in a way that was interesting and told us anything about the sociopolitical evolution of the nords it felt more like they just recycled shit from oblivion bc it was easier than fleshing out the old nord pantheon that was a cornerstone of their culture and just vaguely allude to it instead. it would have been more interesting with no fucking empire anymore than whatever is going on now.

all 4 of the previous (mainline) games took place at least partially during the reign of one fucking emperor. and now we’re jumping 200 years into the fucking future which makes it even more confusing and disconnected and weird bc so much shit is exactly the same or is different in ways that make no damn sense. just make it a 30-60 year time skip.

[8-evil-annoying-catboys]

i also think that honestly.. shinigami eyes takes away the necessary work of checking people’s blogs to make sure they’re TERFs or transphobic before you block them, and even if nobody was ever marked red on shinigami eyes without being transphobic/a TERF, that would still be a net negative. you may wonder, why would that be negative? no one wants to look at TERFs’ blogs, right? well, yeah, no one WANTS to, but that’s part of the problem.

it is absolutely necessary for trans people and our allies to familiarise ourselves with what TERFs believe, because a lot of people’s only idea of what makes a TERF is that they misgender and harass trans women, or at most, that they misgender and harass trans people in general. while this is definitely true, TERFism isn’t all about trans people. they have a lot of other shitty beliefs about men, and sex workers, and kinksters, that they may or may not relate back to trans people (based on exactly how obsessed with us each one of them is, of course), but fundamentally these beliefs don’t really have anything to do with trans people.

at this point you might wonder why any of that matters if you’re just looking through their blogs to block them and trying not to interact with them to begin with. and the reason why it matters is because NOT ALL TERFS ARE OBVIOUS ABOUT IT. i know i keep talking about cryptoterfs but i’m genuinely worried that a TON of trans people have no idea they exist. so let me explain what they are: a cryptoterf is a TERF who hides their transphobic beliefs on their main blog, instead posting in such a way that they attempt to and sometimes succeed in indoctrinating trans allies and even trans people into other beliefs that are part of radfeminism in general, but don’t focus on trans people specifically. many of them have sideblogs for TERFism, so you may easily have blocked tons of sideblogs without realising it or finding the main blog to block, if you’re not also on the lookout for cryptoterfs and other radfems that don’t (openly) hate trans people.

this is a foot-in-the-door tactic. most of them have the goal of targeting young people who were AFAB, and snatching them into the TERF cult, luring them in via ‘feminist’ takes that have little to no actual merit (even if only because of the extremism) and slowly turning up the heat once they get their frog into the pot. sometimes this includes trans people who were AFAB or people who were AMAB (trans and cis alike), although most of them are mainly hoping to catch teen cis girls and maybe some trans people who were AFAB and haven’t medically transitioned yet (since, yknow, by the time they start T, they’re already ruined and ugly 🙃) and anyone else is extra, a happy accident.

at the end of the day, while the specific main goal is generally to increase the population of the TERF cult, cryptoterfs’ existence also ensures that their ideals and rhetoric, aside from “trans women aren’t women and trans men aren’t men,” permeate the queer feminist community. and this hurts everyone, most especially trans + intersex people and sex workers + kinksters, because the most harmful of these ideals are bio/gender essentialism (“men suck and any man who is respectful and caring is the exception, not the rule” “anyone with a penis is inherently dangerous, even young boys under the age of 5” etc) and sex negativity/anti-kink and anti-sex work rhetoric (“PiV sex is inherently violent” “kink is just an excuse for men to abuse women” “sex work should not be legalised because that will increase human trafficking” “sex trafficking is the only form of human trafficking that matters” “sex trafficking is the most common form of human trafficking” all of these are factually false and i won’t explain bc this comment is too long already but if you ask i’ll go into it)

over the last decade i’ve spent on this hellsite, i’ve seen TERF/radfem rhetoric become seemingly more and more pervasive every year, to the point that in the past few years it’s grown to be nearly inescapable even in trans spaces, and i think this is because people are less and less aware of the fact that TERFs know how to pretend, and they frequently pretend to accept trans people, specifically so they can turn our allies against us, slowly but surely, and even divide and conquer us, too. and it’s working, because so many trans people and allies, especially younger people in those groups, don’t actually know what else to look out for from someone who claims to believe trans women are women.

i don’t want to derail this post with a list of TERF rhetoric, posts like that exist already and all that. but i just felt it necessary to point out that you MUST know your enemy, and a tool like shinigami eyes inherently prevents trans people from needing or even trying to know our enemy, while simultaneously letting some of them fly under the radar (if they don’t get caught saying what they really believe about trans people, usually trans women specifically since people can get away with being transphobic to people who were AFAB and not get marked red on shinigami eyes) and targeting people within our own community, as addressed in this post and many others.

i don’t think we need a replacement or update that shows the reasoning for someone being marked red. i think we need to exercise critical thinking and discernment by ourselves, and learn what to look out for. having a guide is good, sure, but too many people rely on shinigami eyes over their own eyes and brain. and yknow what they say.. use it or lose it.

Shinigami eyes should let you see the reason someone got turned red cause I'm starting to see so many trans people flagged as terfs and it's concerning

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

[flamingo-writes]

Caught Fire – e.m.

Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

A/N: This is going to be a long list so brace yourselves! Or just skip to the fic fhnsdk

So, I started writing this on Sunday and it's Friday now. And kid you not, all of my free time from work I spent it here, planning, writing and editing this...I really poured a lot of effort here, so I hope you all like it.

Don't let the length of this fanfic intimidate you, I promise it's worth it. 15.6K words with a lot of story and emotions.

This fanfic is actually very personal to me, several of the things in this fanfic are based of memories from my high school with a few of my crushes dnhckjs

The title is based of How Can I resist by Heart. And I know, I have another fanfic based of this same song, but c'mon it's one f my all time favorite songs and I love the lyrics and I can see Eddie vibing to this song

Also, I want to give my lovely friend @storiesthatneedtobewritten bcs Em, you're awesome, and we've been fangirling about Eddie nonstop for the last few days. Em is also working on a Eddie fanfic! So keep an eye out for it!!

Summary: After a very interesting detention, Eddie can't help but think of his bad luck of having met you with the end of the schoolyear around the corner. Specially after your plans for college are so far away from Hawkins. The instant friendship soon had him smitten, and before he realized it, he was in love with you. With graduation closer and closer, things seem to simultaneously get perfect between the both of you, but also messy. The both of you screw up, and hurt each other in the process. And there's a decision Eddie has to make.

Warnings: Cursing, alcohol consumption, mentions of drug consumption, Eddie and the reader being idiots, angst, smut.

Genre: strangers to friends to lovers, fluff, angst, hurt-comfort, smut.

Word Count: 15.6K words

Taglist: @nightless @emotionaldreamer @totallynotkaibiased @kibumslatina @lonely-kermit @angelzone @random-fandom-900 @joukiworld @slightlyvicked

The detention room was always so…strangely, peacefully quiet. Sure, every time he was there after class, he felt the need to poke out his own eyes out of boredom, but this was perhaps the most at peace he found himself when he was at school. When it wasn’t D&D night, of course.

The usual handful of people were there. Mark, a guy who fell asleep in perhaps too many classes. Jessica who snapped back at a teacher or two. Some kid who’s name Eddie always forgot, caught copying the homework or perhaps a test. And the latest addition to the group, a freshman who had been caught more than once writing down stuff in the bathroom stalls and smoked inside the classroom. 

The bunch of misfits. An odd little family Eddie had grown to appreciate over the course of detention hours. 

Eddie completely ignored the sound of the door opening and closing as he had his arms crossed over the desk and his face buried in it. Caught in a slumbered state, not entirely asleep yet, he still heard light footsteps, deciding they were not worth his attention. Not yet, at least.

"Welcome. Sit down. Think about what you did, write an essay about it, and you better not write down that you’d do it again…" Ms. Phelps said.

Eddie, far past the point of caring and half awake state, knew it was someone who wasn’t usually in detention. And hearing Ms Phelps’s instructions, he noticed how for the last few years, barely anything had changed. Same speech, same instructions, and the same lack of interest for reading said essays. Same essays Eddie stopped writing a long time ago, since they didn’t matter. The time the clock struck 5 o’clock, they were off the hook.

He heard a groan, a sigh and finally a loud thud on the desk next to his. And finally, deciding it was worth to look up and see who it was, Eddie saw you. Your forehead was pressed against the table, as you frowned frustrated and resigned, your leg anxiously bouncing; and you seemed to be mumbling to yourself. He smirked amused. 

“Now, that’s a surprise…” He whispered, catching your attention as you opened your eyes and looked at him with panic devouring your eyes. “Welcome to the misfits” He said in a low deep voice, trying to get any form of reaction from you.

‘What a surprise,’ he thought. You, out of all people. He scanned you up and down, the look of a scared animal caught wandering where it shouldn’t was splattered all over your face. Your camera resting on the desk and the strap was wrapped around your hand, an outfit he thought was cute in philosophy class earlier that day, and the sweet smell of your perfume —a smell he always associated with vanilla cookies— reached his nostrils. 

The interest he already had on you seemed to spark. He always found you cute and thought your antiques were adorable. Far too quiet, far too polite, and definitely far too nice to frequent the social circles you did. However, it was part of who you were. And you were the school photographer, a member of the school newspaper. Meaning you were often around the socialite groups, the various sports teams, the cheerleaders, the popular kids…Which was why Eddie never really felt the need to approach you and talk to you. You belonged in another social group, despite your entire personality not exactly matching with the people you frequented. 

You didn’t exactly belong. And more than once Eddie thought those people kept you around mostly out of convenience. The better they get along with the school photographer, the more and better pictures of them make it to the paper. Symbiosis, if you will. You take the good pictures, they maintain your popularity.

“Thanks,” You replied awkwardly.

"Silence!” The teacher snapped, and you flinched. 

Eddie smirked amused, thinking you looked cute. Well…cuter when you flinched. He looked over at Ms Phelps as she soon got distracted in her magazine once more. Biting the tip of his tongue, he grabbed his backpack and pulled out a notebook and opened it in the first blank page he found and took out a pen. 

As you continued to shake your leg anxiously, your eyes were glued to the clock on top of the blackboard. It was barely 3 pm, and the football game would start in half an hour. Nancy Wheeler was going to murder you for getting your ass in trouble and missing the big final, and not getting any pictures. You needed to get out of there, but Ms. Phelps had a reputation of being insufferable, and making an agreement was not an option. Even trying to picture the possible conversation with her, you were sure you’d end up crying out of the utter panic and Ms Phelps raising her voice at you. And the last thing you wanted was for everyone there to see you cry and beg.

You flinched again, as you caught Eddie sliding a folded piece of paper over your desk. He met your stare and gave you a cheeky wink as you grabbed the piece of paper and unfolded the whole page.

‘Fancy seeing you here,’ was written with messy yet nice looking handwriting. 

You sighed and looked at him. Something in his cheeky grin softened into a more genuine smile, as you actually felt some sort of odd comfort radiating from his dark eyes. Eddie with whom you’d perhaps exchanged a total of 7 phrases during the school year and lent him your notes one time he skipped class to go to a concert. You always admired his complete lack of fucks to give. And even found his laidback and usually chill attitude —mixed with his rockstar appearance— attractive. But you were slightly intimidated by him. 

You grabbed a pen from your backpack and wrote down your reply hoping he’d catch on your sarcasm.

‘You know, I’ve always had a fascination for rebellious acts against the system’

You folded the paper and handed it back to him. He picked it and read it, his smile spreading wider across his face as he appreciated your handwriting, far prettier and nicer to stare at than whatever his messy doctor handwriting was.

You watched him glance at you and then started writing. He passed you the note.

‘Ah, non conforming, I see…Good. I like you better now. Excuse my intrusive nose, but I can’t help but wonder why Hawkins High Photographer is stuck in the detention room, looking like you’ve seen a ghost. Did your journalist nature get you in trouble?’

Eddie noticed the way you smiled softly. Amused by his peculiar writing, you looked up again at him. He was glad that he had managed to make the terrified look in your eyes change. You looked back down and moved your pen at once.

‘Well, for starters, Nancy will be mad at me for not getting pics of the game that’s happening right now…And also, I punched Jason Carver in the jaw’ 

You handed him back the note as he looked at it. As his eyes went over your reply and he let a loud laugh escape his throat as he clapped his hands.

“Ah, marvellous!” He sang.

“Munson!” Ms. Phelps barked.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry…” He sighed, raising his hands as he looked at the teacher and then leaned over his elbows over the desk, waiting for her to look back at her magazine before he started writing down his next reply.

‘You’ll have to tell me more about punching Jason…Do you wanna go to the game?’ Somehow, his voice was in your head as you read.

‘Well it’s not a matter whether I want to or not. I have to…But I can’t just leave here’ You replied.

‘I’ll cover you,’

After reading his reply, you looked over at him, slightly confused as he stretched his hand over to your desk and snatched the piece of paper back, wrinkling in his palm as he winked at you and stood up from his desk rather loudly. 

“What in God’s name do you think you’re doing, Munson?” The teacher asked, he shrugged in a silent reply.

“I didn’t like the way my regretful speech was turning, that’s all…” He said as he stood by the teacher's desk and tossed the paper on the bin. “What?” 

“Were you really writing the essay?” Ms Phelps raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“If you don’t believe me, read it” He said confidently, making your heart race as you could see the horror unfold before your eyes as you wondered if Ms Phelps would actually grab the piece of paper and read it. 

But she didn’t. She limited herself to stare at Eddie, her small eyes squinting, almost disappearing from her face. 

“You’re up to something…” She said, making Eddie chuckle. 

“Must I always have a master plan behind everything I do? Am I not just free to do things for the sake of it?” He asked with his sarcastic smirk on his face.

“You speak far too eloquently for someone who keeps repeating senior year…”

“I’m going to pretend like that wasn’t an insult in disguise and instead take it as a compliment because you called me eloquent. I spend a lot of time reading. Besides, it’s but a single class the one I’m struggling with, the rest I know the lectures almost by heart now…” His smile grew into a toothy proud smirk. 

Eddie avoided looking up at you to draw any suspicion. And as the teacher continued to bicker with him, you very silently grabbed your backpack and walked towards the door, slowly pushing it open and closing it very slowly.

Eddie would be lying if he said he didn’t spend the rest of his afternoon thinking of you. Not in a dreamy kid with a crush kind of way. He thought about you in general. And how despite most of the people in the school paper being for the most part tacky and conceited, you remained very humble. 

The next day, very much to his displeasure, you two didn’t share any classes that day. He would’ve liked to see you and talk to you, but looking around school or keeping his eyes wide open while walking down the halls was too much effort.

“Hey, Ed. Hawkins High journalist 6 o’clock…” Dustin whispered upon noticing you awkwardly approaching their table.

You had your binder pressed against your chest as you shyly walked closer to them, camera hanging from your shoulder and your backpack from the other one.

Eddie sat up straight and turned around. His gaze turned into a confident smile. Your entire look was adorable, he had to admit. He stood up and gently bowed, offering you the seat next to him.

“Oh, well, well, well…The rebellious princess is blessing us with her presence…” He said as you smiled shyly and sat between him and Dustin.

“What a weird way to say hello” You giggled putting your binder and camera over the table.

“I’m not the school freak for nothing, babe” He smirked. “What do we owe the pleasure?”

“I wanted to thank you for helping me out yesterday,” You said looking at him with a genuine smile and sparkly eyes. “I managed to get to the game on time, took a few pics, didn’t get murdered by Nancy…And all thanks to you…” You said as the rest of the Hellfire Club exchanged stares, slightly confused. "I am indebted to you, and I’ll gladly buy you lunch someday, or a drink or whatever…”

“I’m glad I could help…” He smirked. “I’ll take your word on lunch someday, sweetheart”

 It seemed like since that day, Eddie and you became friends. And over the course of the week you went from waving and smiling at each other when you walked across each other in the halls, to stopping at the sight of the other to exchange a few words or questions “What class you’ve got next?” “Hey, can I borrow your calculator?” “Mr Owens is in a mood today, make sure to not say anything stupid nor too sarcastic”. People started giving you weird looks when they noticed you and Eddie ‘The Freak’ Munson started interacting more and more. Especially when you went from knowing the other exists to actually talking outside the school, in the parking lot, by your locker. And all over the course of a week and a half. 

Two weeks after your detention incident, you finally took Eddie out for lunch to thank him for what he did. You two went to a Chinese restaurant  by the mall one Thursday afternoon after school, you would’ve gone on a Friday, but Eddie had told you Fridays were Hellfire days. And not wanting to disrespect your newfound golden friendship, you decided to go on Thursday instead. 

“I hate this,” You giggled as you kept trying to hold some of your rice with your chopsticks and it kept falling and falling. 

“This was your idea, baby” He giggled as he  effortlessly grabbed some rice from your bowl and pulled his chopsticks up to your mouth. 

“You’re so good at this, it’s unfair” You giggled as you took the bite he offered you and blushed at the realisation that he had fed you. “How do you do it?” You murmured with your cheeks stuffed with rice.

“I’ve got a few hidden talents. Between playing guitar and painting miniatures, you learn how to carefully handle things…” He said as he then grabbed a piece of chicken and ate it. 

“You’re so incredibly artistic, Ed…Have you noticed that?” You sighed.

“I mean, I do want to become a musician…”

“No, not just that…” You said. “You paint your miniatures, and actually do a very good job at it, you play the guitar, you’ve said you write lyrics too, right? And you  not only design maps but plan these adventures for Hellfire. You’re insanely creative, Eddie!” You gasped.

The enthusiasm in your voice made his cheeks heat up and his heart skip a beat. Not really used to being flattered like that. Or in any way that wasn’t playing his guitar or while playing his role as Dungeon Master. And here you were recalling all the things he took for granted and as a part of his daily routine and made him realise how indeed, all those things required more creativity and talent than the average person had. 

“So me being a nerd is artistic?” He chuckled.

“Not all nerds are. But the very specific kind of nerd you are, yeah…” 

“Thanks, I guess…” He smiled, feeling the heat clinging to his cheeks. 

“I mean it. All these little things you do, they’re amazing, I swear. Too bad not everyone gets to realise this…” You sighed, “Artists are always under appreciated”

Eddie looked at you with a new found intrigue. His heart suddenly beating loudly in his chest as your big wide eyes met his and you smiled. He felt his heart being pierced with an arrow. The kind looks you gave him, your gentle and overall soft demeanour, and your clear appreciation of who he was…Rarely people gave him a chance, and those who did were soon surprised with how Eddie wasn’t the mean and scary person everyone took him for. But there was something different about the way you treated him, like you’d never really cared about the things people had to say about him, like he wasn’t a freak, like you were genuinely curious of who he was as a person and you weren’t enduring an interaction with him like it happened when someone bought drugs off of him. 

You spent the rest of the afternoon together just talking and getting to know each other better. At least until 9 o’clock when he drove you home. A little bit too early for his taste, but you had insisted.

“My dad and his stupid 9 pm curfew, I’m sorry…” You sighed. 

“I mean, we can at least still talk and hang out, right?” He asked. 

“Yeah, of course…Let me just go inside and tell my parents I’m back and that we’re going to be out here…” You said as you hopped down his van. 

He watched you leave as he got down himself and grabbed a cigarette, lighting it and taking a drag. His thoughts circled around everything that had happened. Especially the way you smiled at him and told him you thought he was incredibly artistic. Even the memory tickled his belly and made his heart squeeze as he thought he was done for. He watched you go out and walk to the edge of the sidewalk and sit down, patting the free space next to you, inviting him to sit with you. He chuckled and walked towards you, noticing the curtains from the large window next to the door move and someone peeking out. Eddie instinctively waved, and whoever it was waved back, as you turned around to see. 

“Oh, that’s my dad…” You replied and looked back at Eddie. 

And just like that, the curtains fell once more behind the glass. 

From then on, the friendship bloomed. Eddie was not only easy to talk to, but something about his unhinged and spontaneous personality drew you in like a moth to light. Once Eddie managed to get over your shy facade, he was pleased to learn that your hidden playfulness matched his perfectly. Only perpetuating the feelings Eddie was growing over you. 

Even, in an attempt to spend more and more time with you, he agreed to study with you and even hang out in the afternoons and do homework together, helping each other out if needed. This was such a new thing for Eddie, he even found himself enjoying these little study dates. Sure, he still disliked sitting down and studying, but your company sure made it bearable. That and the focused look in your eyes when you concentrated, or how passionate you got when you were explaining something to him took his breath away. 

As the finals were drawing closer and closer you spent more and more time together, studying and catching up on homework. And one particular day, you were in his trailer, specifically in the living room sitting on the floor with your books and notes lying all around as you were explaining something to him about biology. Eddie entranced with your voice and hands moving around, he even had a small smile on his face. 

The door swung open slowly as Eddie’s uncle walked inside and found the both of you there. The scene was instantly surprising as it was clear that you two were studying. Eddie was studying. 

“Oh, you’re early…” Eddie sighed as he looked at his uncle and stood up, stretching lightly before offering you a hand and helping you up. “Hun, this is my uncle, the one and only Wayne Munson” He said and then turned at Wayne and called your name no loud and clear. “My dearest friend, companion I’d say partner in crime, but she’s too sweet for that…” 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Munson…” You said gazing at him.

“Oh dear, drop the formality. You can call me Wayne, it’s alright” He chuckled awkwardly. “You’re studying, now that’s new…” Wayne joked. 

“Oh yeah, she’s Ms Good Influence in my life now…She convinced me to study…” Eddie teased as you giggled and watched him attentively. 

Something in Eddie’s demeanour changed when Wayne arrived. Not new walls building, but quite the opposite. Not like you, you would’ve gotten slightly tense if your mother had arrived home to find the both of you studying. Eddie bickered with his uncle back and forth for a while, teasing and joking between them as you noticed a look in his dark eyes. Eddie’s dark eyes sparkling with something too beautiful and too peaceful. You wondered how close those two were. Sure, Eddie rarely talked about his parents, talked a few things about his uncle, and something you knew to be true was that the old man worked for most of the day, and every so often he had night shifts. But from the way Eddie was looking at him, you could tell Eddie appreciated him far more than he concealed with words.  Your heart melted and wished someone looked at you the way he looked at his uncle, with so much unconditional love. You even wished Eddie looked at you that same way.

“We bought pizza for lunch earlier. There’s still some left in the fridge if you want…” Eddie said as he returned to the living room where you were, looking at him with melting eyes. “What?”

“Nothing,” You purred.

The sweet tone of your voice and the cute smile you gave him made his heart skip a beat and wonder what did he do to get such a reaction from you? He’d do it again.

“Thanks, kiddo” Wayne said opening the fridge. 

“Sure, no problem,” Eddie replied looking back at Wayne as he sat next to you on the couch. 

“Wanna take a break from studying?” You yawned. 

“Oh finally! Yes!” Eddie giggled as you felt his smile warming up your cheeks. 

With every passing day. The friendship seemed to grow stronger and stronger. The two of you becoming two peas of a pod, getting used to each other’s antiques, likes and dislikes. Adapting into a comfortable routine where you spent a considerable amount of time outside of school together. Eventually, you got over your slight fear of rejection, and asked him if you could take pictures of him. His flamboyant and dramatic demeanour allowed you to take great pictures of him.

And since, Eddie became your favourite subject to follow around and photograph. You had gathered a small collection of pictures that looked staged, but in reality, those were Eddie being Eddie. You got a chance to take a picture of Eddie walking over one of the cafeteria tables, staring at everyone from above, like a cat gazing over what was his territory. Eddie playing his guitar at the back of his van with a joint between his lips, Eddie dramatically sitting on the armrest of his famous throne in the classroom they used for Hellfire campaigns, even his DM screen and set up looked fascinating in their own way. 

But your favourite picture was one in which he was doing nothing but relaxing on one of the stone benches outside the school. The both of you were skipping your 7th period of the day on a Friday that was far too close to the summer and graduation. It was hard to concentrate in class by this point, even the teachers were starting to savour the end of the school year. So, skipping a class or two wouldn’t hurt anyone, nor the teachers would care. He was lying on the stone bench. The tree above you keeping the both of you fresh, despite the unbearable heat. His chest rising and falling slowly as you sometimes thought he had fallen asleep, at least until you noticed his foot moving to the rhythm of whatever he was listening to on his Walkman with the headphones on his head. His messy hair spread and falling down the stone bench. His black Dio shirt matching the slightly faded ink in his sun kissed skin. 

You saw the entire scene and quickly pulled your camera, taking a picture. And it wasn’t until you heard the click of your camera that the penny dropped. The sudden rush in your heartbeat when you saw Eddie so relaxed on that bench wasn’t just because you had found a beautiful scene to capture in your camera. You found him beautiful and attractive on his own. But you realised how your crush  on him wasn’t just a crush. A blush spread through your cheeks as you looked up from your camera and stared at Eddie once more, taking in the little details in his face, his neck, his chest, his hands gently resting over his stomach. 

"You good?” His sleepy voice snapped you out of your thoughts. 

“Ah ye-yeah…” You stuttered as you met his eyes briefly and looked away feeling all too flustered. “I took a picture, that’s all…”

“Really?”

“You looked too relaxed…And not threatening nor intimidating at all” you joked as you gazed back at him and watched him crack a smile. 

“Oh no,” He joked. “You better keep that to yourself, people can’t be seeing me being vulnerable” He smirked.

You stared at him with a gentle smile spreading on your face, looking at him with a new found adoration. Something about his comment made your chest warm up. Perhaps that he trusted you enough to admit that he had let his guard down with you around. Or that you kept the picture… most of the pictures you took of him, you’d let him keep them. Just kept a few for your own portfolio for college. 

“Eddie…” You whispered as he looked at you and took off his headphones. 

“Tell me, sweetheart”

“What are you doing after graduation?” You murmured, already knowing he wanted to do something with his music, but never really went into an actual explanation of whatever he planned. If he even was in the first place.

“Finally someone has faith in me!” He said dramatically, referring to his slim chances of passing Ms. O’Donnell’s final. “I don’t know, sweetheart. Perhaps play my guitar somewhere…why?” 

You felt a rather painful squeeze in your chest as you didn’t know how to break the news to him.

“I…got the acceptance letter back from the college…in Indianapolis…” You said without saying anything else, letting him fill in the blanks. 

His eyes widened in surprise as he sat up and fell to the grass in front of you. 

“Oh hey, that’s great, darling!” He said excitedly as he cupped your face in his hands and brought you closer, hugging you. “I told you your little nerdy brain could get anywhere you wanted!” 

“Yeah…Thing is…I,” You stuttered breaking the hug “Well, I also got another one back…From a college I applied to in New York…” 

His smile faded slightly, as he looked at you. Puzzled at first, not believing for a second what he had heard as he thought of the chances of you leaving Indiana to go to a place like New York. Far away from Hawkins. Far away from him.

“New York? That’s far away!” He chuckled awkwardly.

“It is! But my brother is currently there, in law school…So, I told him if I could move in with him in his apartment and he said yes…” You explained, not sure exactly what you were trying to accomplish.

“That is amazing, love…” He whispered looking at you tenderly “I mean, it’s a bit sad that you’re going to leave me but, I’m proud of you, babe…" He said smiling at you, although he felt a sting in his chest. "Come visit from time to time…I’m sure going to miss you as hell…" His voice faded.

You stared into his eyes and smiled. Such a beautiful smile, Eddie thought. A smile he wanted to forever carve in his memory. Against his conscious mind, his arm reached out for you again and brought you close for another hug as you wrapped your arms around him at once and melted against his embrace, taking in the familiar smell of Eddie’s cologne and cigarette smoke.

—

As the summer drew closer, you spent more and more time together. Studying for finals and especially helping Eddie with the classes he struggled with the most. Sometimes at his place. Sometimes at yours. Sometimes it was the school library. And even the back of his van. This was when people started talking the most about the odd closeness the two of you shared. 

Being in the school paper meant you were in a lot of social events, interacted with a lot of people, and being the photographer, people had to be nice to you. You held so much power without realising it, since you could decide which photos to use, and how many times were you willing to take people’s pictures. So everyone in school, if they wanted to look good in the paper, they had to kiss your ass. However, the genuine desire to be nice to you or to ask you to sit with the popular groups wasn’t exactly there. You knew this, but didn’t really give a shit. 

And now the photographer was hanging out with the freak. Not only hanging out. Rumours spread like wildfire after one time someone saw you two at the back of his van, the van parked on a popular viewpoint where normally couples went. However, the both of you were mostly studying with the door wide open. Eddie needed to constantly change locations or else he’d grow bored and restless and studying became impossible. And this viewpoint was your latest idea as you studied. 

But people didn’t know that. 

People simply saw you at the famous viewpoint. The two of you spent several hours there doing god knows what. And the next thing everyone knows is, you’re hugging Eddie, in the middle of the hall as he is spinning on his toes. A truly adorable scene…if it wasn’t the freaks. Or at least many people thought. 

But you didn’t care. You were more focused on celebrating Eddie’s B+ in Mrs. O’Donell’s final. The one class Eddie needed  to pass. And the exam you studied for the most, even to the point of Eddie begging you to study something else. But all the studying had gotten Eddie far more than the D he needed. He had gotten a B+ and he was as ecstatic as you were. Thanking you over and over as he hugged you, spinning on his toes as you clung to him celebrating as well. 

“Eddie! Oh my god! That’s insane! I’m so proud of you!” You giggled as you buried your face in his neck as he spun you around celebrating. 

As he set you down and broke the hug, he dramatically bowed to you. 

“I will forever be in your debt, oh your glorious highnesses” He said, making you giggle. 

“Just buy me lunch sometime and we’ll be even” You giggled.

That night, as he drove you back home at the usual ridiculously early curfew your father set, he parked in front of your house. You’d gone to the arcade and spent the afternoon trying to beat as many high scores as possible, competing between the both of you. And on the ride back home, you found one of the many D20 bouncing around in the cup holder of his van, and grabbed it and played with it in your palm for the entirety of the ride. As you say your goodbyes and as you were about to go inside your house, you stopped on your tracks and hopped back to his van. 

“What’s up?” He asked once you opened the door and you returned the D20 to the cup holder. 

“I was about to kidnap this little guy” You said, making Eddie chuckle as he grabbed it and handed it back to you. 

“No, keep it” He said, smiling softly at you. “Think of this as a piece of me…” 

“Ed–“

“This used to be any other D20, like the other eight I have lying around somewhere in this same van…” He chuckled. “Now it’s yours. Keep it safe for me, yeah?” The smile he gave you was to die for as you rolled your eyes playfully. 

“So dramatic…” You chuckled, as he smirked. 

“A token of my trust, my gratitude, even a piece of my heart of you will,” He joked, playing along and moving his hands in a dramatic gesture. 

“Alright then, Eddie The Freak Munson…” You chuckled. “Good night,” You purred as you leaned forward and kissed his cheek before sprinting out of his van and running towards your house. 

If you had stayed for two more seconds, Eddie would’ve seized his chance and would’ve kissed you right there and then. Although the flip his heart made and excitement rushed through his body, soon he felt the gloom washing over him, reminding him that you had your days in Hawkins jumbered. And with every passing day, you were closer and closer to leaving to New York, making him feel slightly bitter, and even sorry that he didn’t get to meet you before. You had spent almost four years there, and him six, and he had to meet you after you returned from Spring Break. 

Just like every end of term, there was a party where pretty much everyone was invited and everyone attended. Even him, although he went more as a business trip, selling joints and weed to people at the party, and also because you’d told him you were going to be there. However, you were nowhere to be seen yet, and he came across Chrissy Cunningham. The sweet little cheerleader he had the pleasure of making a drug deal shortly before Spring Break. And most likely, the girl to steal his heart if you hadn’t come around exactly two weeks after his drug deal with Chrissy. He had felt that romantic curiosity and attraction towards her when they first talked in the woods, but that was before you came along. However, some sort of residual feelings were still there. 

After you returned from taking a couple of photos of the basketball team, you returned inside the house. Hearing from the team they were trying to cheer Jason up, you wondered what had happened, but not enough to ask. Truth was, you didn’t really care about what  happened with Jason. Since that time he tried to get his way with you and you punched him in the face—which got you into the detention in which you properly met Eddie—, and you thought perhaps Chrissy had opened up her eyes and realised Jason wasn’t the best guy for her. 

But boy, you weren’t actually expecting Chrissy to realise not just that, but seeing her talking to Eddie made something in your heart twist and turn painfully, And the worst part it wasn’t that you were the only one seeing it. People were also talking about how close Eddie was talking to Chrissy. His silhouette towering right next to her, leaning closer to her, talking into her ear. People around you were saying how Chrissy only needed a few hours to get over her breakup with Jason to move on to none other than Eddie, The Freak. Her wide eyes looking at him curiously, as Eddie’s charming smile shone down on her. 

You felt dizzy. You felt nauseous. If it wasn’t for the fact that you hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol yet, you’d perhaps believe you were drunk. Light headed, and suddenly the earth spinning faster than ever, you would’ve believed you were drunk. You hung your camera around your neck and spun on your toes and went to the kitchen to get a drink. 

“So much for a piece of your heart…” You whispered bitterly, as you felt the weight of the D20 in your pocket suddenly weighing fifty times more than it should. 

As you grabbed a can of beer and opened it, you wasted no time and drank half of it in one go, hoping that the bitter and gross taste of beer washed away the bad taste seeing Eddie flirting with Chrissy left in your mouth. 

“Whoa, someone’s here to get wasted!” You recognized Bradley’s voice as you put down the can. 

You stared at him and waved hello. Tall, tanned, charming smile and cheeky eyes looked down at you as you wondered how much could a person change with just an outfit. 

“You look so different without your football uniform…” You said, smiling at him. 

“I look good, though, right?” He smirked as you rolled your eyes sarcastically. 

“You always look good, Brad. Or so all the girls at school say…” You replied, not really meaning anything of what you had said. Sure, Bradley was attractive, but he wasn’t your type by any means.

The rest of your beer soon disappeared. And so did the next two, three cans of beer. And the night became blurry with colours that looked all too saturated. Music seemed to barely last, as you weren’t sure anymore of what was happening. All you knew was that you were trying to forget about the image of Chrissy and Eddie, which was going great at first. Until you caught a glimpse of them making out by a corner of the house. The nausea clung to your throat and your eyes blurred with tears as another two cans of beer made it past your lips as if they were water. As you were actually growing fond of the taste of it, your head didn’t. You danced, you blended in with the popular crowd for the first time in all of your high school years, you swore you kissed lips that tasted like cigarettes and weed, and in a poor taste joke, your mind envisioned Eddie, but only made the ache in your heart worse as you pulled away, only to find Brad holding you by the waist. 

You had gotten drunk before, a few times, but never like this. God, your parents were going to kill you. You were lost. Drowned in alcohol, and yet, the fear of your consequences sobered you enough to make you leave the dance floor and Bradley, telling him you needed some fresh air. Walking out of the house, you dragged your feet, fighting to keep your balance until you made it to the small park across the street and grabbed one of the swing seats and sat down, looking at the ground, feeling your stomach threatening you to barf all the excess beer filling your empty stomach. 

“Shit…” You groaned, as you closed your eyes, resigned that sooner or later it was going to happen. 

As Eddie walked out of the house with a victorious smile and a giggly Chrissy with her arm around his waist and his around her shoulders, they headed to his van. Slightly disappointed that he never got to see you, but at the same time grateful. Things with Chrissy wouldn’t have happened the way they did if you were there. If you’d been there, his attention would’ve been solely on you. 

However, his euphoric little state didn’t last long as he recognized you at the distance, when he opened the copilot seat for Chrissy to get inside. His stomach turned stone cold.

“Shit,” He purred. 

“What’s wrong?” Chrissy asked curiously as she followed his eyes across the street and looked at the park. 

“Give me a minute. Stay in the car, I’ll be back in a bit, yeah?” He purred softly, as he thought about kissing her forehead, but he didn’t. 

He didn’t and he knew why. Eddie watched Chrissy get in the van and he closed the door before jogging across the street and into the park as he walked up to you, calling your name as you flinched and looked up. 

“Oh, shit. Hi…“ You groaned and looked back down. “Hello…”

“You came…” Eddie said confused.

“Yeah. I told you I would…” You sighed as he sat on the swing seat next to yours and rubbed your back. “Ed, I’m so drunk, this is ridiculous…”

“Yeah, I was going to say you stink like the guys who usually watch us play on Tuesdays…” Eddie purred. 

“Ha! That’s a good one…” You purred.

“What happened?” He asked.

“I’m stupid, that’s what happened…” Eddie frowned at the way your voice bitterly spat your reply. 

“Hey, come on, don’t talk like that…” He whispered. “Let’s take you home,”

“N-no…I ca-can’t get home like this…Eddie, please…”

“What do you suggest I do?”

“Oh god, I don’t know…” You sighed deeply. You slid off the swing seat and fell to the grass. “How much of a bad idea is it to stay here?”

“Awful. C’mon…” Eddie said standing up and offering you a helping hand as he took a deep breath. 

“Where are we going?” You muttered as you grabbed his hand and he pulled you up and you clung to him, feeling like the earth was spinning a thousand miles a second. “Oh god…” You muttered. “Sorry…” 

“No, it’s okay…” He whispered. “I’m taking you to my place…” 

Eddie’s plans of taking Chrissy to his place changed as soon as he saw you completely wasted, saying you couldn’t go back home. And he didn’t even feel conflicted about making such a decision. Seeing you like that made his heart break as he knew something had happened for you to end up like that. And in a heartbeat, he made the decision to watch over you rather than getting lucky with Chrissy. As he guided you to his van, he slid open the backseat’s door and guided you inside. 

“Dude, the back seat…?” You asked confused as you looked over and saw Chrissy on the co pilot's seat as she waved shyly at you. “Oh, hi, Chrissy..,” You hiccuped. “What a-are…Oh–, shit, I’m sorry…” you mumbled as your drunken brain managed to put two and two together. “Ah fuck, I’m so sorry. You look very pretty though…Hi Chrissy…” 

As Eddie slid into the driver’s seat, he felt his chest tight at the way you dragged your tongue with every word. Reminding him of how he was making out with another girl who wasn’t the girl he so desperately wanted to kiss. And having both of them there made him tense. 

“I’m so sorry. I couldn’t leave her there…” Eddie muttered slightly embarrassed. “Mind if I drive you home? I need to sober her up before dropping her home…” Eddie lied.

“Oh, don’t worry..,you two are best friends, right?” Chrissy asked.

“God, the best! Eddie is…” you sighed as you lied down. “The absolute best guy you can find…”

Your words only made Eddie’s chest tighter and tighter. Chrissy giggled. 

“Really?” 

“Oh really!” You said sitting up and leaning closer to the front seats. “He’s so fun and chill to hang around…Hella smart even though he says he isn’t…”

“Jesus, you sure are drunk…” Eddie chuckled uncomfortably. 

“No, no…I mean, yeah, I’m drunk. But I mean those things! I mean, I’m drunk, I can’t lie if you ask me anything right now…”

“Honey, you are such a terrible liar, even when sober” Eddie said as you chuckled. 

“Hmm, that’s true…” You whispered and laid back down. “I’m sorry for ruining your night guys…” You whispered, your cheerful voice soon dissipating and lowering. 

“Don’t worry, I actually think it’s very nice that you’re going to watch over her…” Chrissy said. 

“I tell you! Eddie has a heart of gold…” You sighed. 

Eddie looked over at the mirror, looking at you on the passenger's seat. He also felt Chrissy’s sweet stare on him as he felt ashamed to look over at her. 

"I love you, Eds,” You yawned, stretching your hand towards him and gently patted his head, as Chrissy giggled at the cute gesture. Eddie’s throat closed as he clenched his jaw. 

“Me too, dude” He said, biting the tip of his tongue as he didn’t know why he dropped that pet name out of all the things he used to call you. 

Was it because Chrissy was there? He didn’t want to blow off his narrowing chances with Chrissy. And at the same time, he felt like an asshole for doing that to you. Especially in such a vulnerable state, after you just said nice things about him. 

As Chrissy guided him to her place, he parked outside her house and rushed out of the van to open her door for her and walked her to the door. Chrissy stopped and pulled her keys out before swinging on her toes and looked at Eddie with a smile as she stood on her top toes and pecked him. 

“I know this didn’t end like you wanted, but I think it’s very sweet that you take care of her…As you should…” She gave him such a genuine and radiant smile it made Eddie feel guilty. “Someone else would’ve let their friend there if they were on their way to take someone else to their place…” She said, making it clear that she knew where Eddie was going to take her and why. 

“Yeah, well…she’s important to me…” Eddie sighed, his own oversimplification of your friendship hurting him. 

“I can tell. I’m even slightly jealous…I wish I had someone who looked out for me the way you do with her…” Chrissy said, only adding to the piling guilt in his gut. “Anyways, see you on Monday?” 

“Yeah…” He purred. 

“Goodnight, Eddie…” She purred as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and brought him close to her for a slow kiss. 

He groaned softly in surprise as he kissed her back. Her lips suddenly tasted bitter as he placed his hands in her waist. A part of his brain too painfully aware that you were passed out in his van, and another part of his brain imagining he was kissing you instead. 

“Goodnight…” He purred softly as he broke the kiss, his heart beating in his throat making him nauseous.

If you were being honest, the last memory you had from that night was when you first sat down in that swing seat. Everything else that happened afterwards was one big black out. You remembered everything before that point. 

And you spent the entirety of the Sunday in Eddie’s trailer. He watched over you, helped you with your hangover and told you a little bit of what happened after he found you in the swing seat. You called your parents and told them you crashed over at a friends place because your friend was the one passed out drunk and you were going to take care of them. That was Eddie’s idea to keep you off trouble. 

That was such a weird day. 

You told him you saw him and Chrissy kissing. He said he was originally selling her a few joints and one thing left to the other. You didn’t tell him why you had gotten so drunk, you simply said you had hardly eaten that day and that was it. You told him you made out with someone but couldn’t remember who was it, Eddie told you it had been Bradley Walsh. And other than that, you didn’t talk much. 

After a very needed shower, you spent the rest of the day in his bed. The both of you cuddled, napping, your legs tangled or your hands entwined the entire time. The both of you felt oddly hurting, and staying cuddled next to each other was both comforting and torturous. 

Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about how he kissed Chrissy in an attempt to use her as a rebound. He felt grossed out by himself. Only to realize that when put together, he’d choose you a million times. You in the other hand felt insanely guilty. You had made out with Brad because you were being petty and couldn’t stand the sight of Chrissy and Eddie kissing. 

The desire to hold on to each other and kiss each other was growing as the afternoon progressed, making the tension between you two more and more uncomfortable. But neither of you knew, or at least refused to believe, that your feelings for each other weren’t as one sided as you both believed them to be. And at the same time, the fear of actually losing the wonderful friendship you’d found a few months ago would go to waste with a single kiss. And if it didn’t, your departure to New York would definitely break both of your hearts. Either way, not addressing the situation seemed like a far better idea at the moment.

After he drove you home, you only felt your heart breaking further and further. The comfort of being in Eddie’s bed, between his arms, his slow breathing next to yours and his chest next to yours was drifting away with every mile you drove further from the trailer park. And when he walked you to the door, he kissed your forehead.

“Goodnight, love” He purred before he walked back to his van. 

Despite your Sunday with Eddie, you still felt uncomfortable every time you saw Chrissy. Specially when she looked at you, waved, asked how you were doing and if you’d seen Eddie. The fact that she was looking for Eddie made your stomach twist and your appetite got lost completely. 

“He’s perhaps at the usual table of the Hellfire Club?” You wondered. 

And with that, she was gone. You went in about your day and spent some time in the newspaper classroom printing your last photos to get them ready for the last issue of the school year. A few pictures of Eddie were there, only making the uncomfortable hole in your chest ache more. Once you were done, you went to the cafeteria and walked towards your friends in Hellfire, noticing Eddie wasn’t there. 

“Where’s Ed?” You asked in a soft whisper, not sure you wanted to hear the answer. 

"I saw him walking to his usual dealing spot with Cunningham…” Garett said. 

You clenched your jaw and nodded. 

“I see. Well, thanks guys, see you around..,” You sighed and walked away.

Dustin and Mike exchanged concerned stares. Noticing the way your slouched shoulders hid your head. The distant stare, and over all cold behaviour. You were normally so laid back and talkative. This time you simply made a question and with that you were gone. Along with the rumours, everyone was exchanging in the halls about what had happened in Aaron’s party. 

Thinking you and Eddie were more than meant to be, Dustin and Mike did feel worried regarding those rumours. You two were always together, we’re constantly flirty with each other, and suddenly, he was making out with Chrissy and seeing leaving the party with her. And you were seen making out with Brad. What exactly had happened in that party, they didn't know. Eddie too was acting odd that day. Quieter than usual, and he was seen quite a lot with Chrissy. 

After having finished their lunch, they decided to explore the school grounds searching for you. And when they finally did, you were sitting underneath a tree, resting against it, with your eyes closed and a very tired look on your face.

“Excited that you’re finally graduating this Friday?” Dustin asked with a feigned chuckle as you opened your eyes and looked at him. 

“Yeah, I guess…” You muttered smiling at them. 

“I thought you’d be looking a bit happier…” Dustin added. 

“Mind if we sit with you for a bit?” Mike asked, you shrugged and patted the grass next to you. 

“Be my guest, guys…My grass is your grass…” You said with a smile, not reaching your eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Mike asked sitting next to you, bumping his boney shoulder next to yours, you sighed and rested your head against it, closing your eyes, fighting the urge to cry. 

“Life’s scary, Mike…” You sighed. “College is scary, adult life is scary too…” Your voice died out. 

“Are you seriously okay?” Dustin asked sitting in front of you. 

You chuckled bitterly and opened your eyes, revealing your tearful stare to him. 

“No, not really…” 

“What’s the matter?” Dustin asked. 

“You know you can trust us, right? I mean, we’re not the closest of friends but…We do consider you our friend. Everyone at Hellfire…” Mike said looking at you as you lifted your head from his shoulder and cleaned the tears slipping down your face. 

“Thank you. Mike…” You whispered. 

“Did you and Eddie have a fight or something?” Dustin inquired. 

“Why would you assume this has anything to do with Eddie?” You said With a bitter chuckle as your eyes continued to tear up exposing the truth of Dustin’s assumptions.

“You…like him…don’t you?” Dustin guessed.

“What?” You barked.

 “Ah I-I mean…sometimes we had the impression that you…liked him? You know? But I–we know you two are best friends…” Mike quickly intervened. 

Sighing deeply, you let your head fall back against the tree. Your eyes shut closed, as you felt them get even more tearful and several tears even fell down your closed eyes. Mike and Dustin exchanged worried stares, not sure how to help or what to say even. 

“So is it that obvious?” You purred.

“So you…really like him? Like…like him?” Mike asked. 

“Yes, Mike. I like him. A fucking lot, actually…” You hissed, refusing to open your eyes. 

“So…I guess you heard…” Dustin muttered. 

“What exactly?” You whispered, swallowing the knot in your throat. 

“I-I…I bet it’s just some stupid rumor…” Dustin stuttered. “I-I bet it’s…not even real…”

“Cut the chase, Dust…Please”

“Eddie and Chrissy kissed…But…Eddie told us she was trying to get her mind off Jason…they broke up earlier that day…And he said he had seen you with Bradley and…”

“Dustin, if Eddie told you himself then it’s not a rumour…” You snapped, finally opening your eyes and meeting his worried stare. “He kissed Chrissy, big deal. I kissed Brad…We’re both mature enough to deal with it, Dust…”

“Well…it doesn’t seem like it…” He whispered.

“Look, we’re worried because both Eddie and you have been acting weird the entire day. And not just that…When Eddie told us about Brad, he seemed pretty pissed about Brad kissing you…” Mike called your name. “You do realise that Eddie has feelings for you too, right? Of course he’s going to be pi—“

“What did you say?” You cut him off.

“That Eddie has feelings for you?”

“Oh my god, the both of you really are very blind or incredibly stupid,” You frowned at Dustin’s remark. “Eddie has feelings for you. He got mad at Brad for kissing you. It made him jealous which was why he kissed Chrissy!” 

“Did he tell you that?” You asked.

“No, but it’s not hard to deduce, Jesus. Seeing the both of you pinning for each other is actually very painful…” Dustin scoffed. 

The rest of your day at school, Dustin’s words kept circling your mind, dragging you deeper and deeper into the same thought spiral. Although there was something that didn’t add up. You had seen Eddie and Chrissy making out before you even kissed Brad. However, if what Dustin had said was true, then the day you spent hangover at Eddie’s place was nothing but bittersweet torture not only for you but for him too. Thinking you could’ve finally confessed your feelings for him and perhaps make things better. Perhaps, if that had happened, you’d be with him instead of Chrissy. 

An arm around your shoulders snapped you out of your thoughts abruptly as you flinched and looked over your shoulder to find Bradly next to you. 

“Got any plans for today?” Brad asked cheerfully as you glanced over at him “I’ve got to admit, I didn’t expect the little photographer to be such a good kisser…” He purred leaning closer to you.

“Jesus, Brad. Get away from me…I was drunk, I thought you knew how this worked. You make out with someone at a party, you move on” You said gently pushing him away from you.

 “Not every day I get hard from just a kiss” He purred against your ear, making you shiver and glared at him. 

“Gross dude…” You groaned and pushed him away from you once again “Not interested…Sorry”

“Oh seriously, are you still head over heels for that freak! Even after what he did?” He snapped as you stopped dead on your tracks. 

Turning around you glared at him. Not sure as to what he meant exactly.

“He left the party with Chrissy, people saw them making out, and then, they were leaving. Together,” 

You knew Eddie had dropped Chrissy at her place, because you were with them. You had woken up in Eddie’s bedroom, and Eddie had slept in the living room. Sure, Eddie and Chrissy kissed, but nothing else happened between them. At least not that night.

“Fuck off, Brad” You hissed not really caring what he had to say or thing about it as you were ready to leave when he dared to talk again.

 “Seriously, what’s with that guy? Why is suddenly everyone interested in him? He’s poor and a stupid freak who holds satanic cults and thinks he’s better than everyone else—“

“You just resent him because the girl who gave you a boner actually wants him. And apparently now Chrissy Cunningham’s after him too!” You snapped interrupting him as you spun on your toes once more and gave him a cold stare “You’re pathetic, Brad…Like talking shit about my best friend is going to make me suddenly want to sleep with you…Fuck off–“ Brad took two long steps and gripped you by the shoulders, slamming you to the closest lockers as you whined loudly. 

People starting to gather closer as they’d heard the arguing and the yelling, and suddenly the sound of something hitting the lockers caught everyone’s attention even further.

“Listen here you little bitch,” Brad growled, “You’re just as much as a piece of shit as that motherfu–" 

Before you could even register what had happened, Brad fell to the ground. And you understood that the quick flash of silver you’d seen was Eddie’s fist flying towards Brad’s jaw. His left hand, the one covered with the most and biggest rings. Despite Eddie being right handed, of course he was going to throw a punch with his left hand.

“Do not touch her” Eddie threatening with a grim stare, his black eyes looking deadly.

 “Oh, came back to claim what’s yours?” Brad laughed, as Eddie’s eyes darkened and a rather creepy smile spread across his cheeks.

“Fuck off dude. Her not wanting to fuck you it’s not her problem. Most women in this school don’t either” He replied calmly, seeing the way Brad’s smile dissipated. 

“You’re a real piece of shit, you know that?” Brad barked.

“Yeah?” Eddie asked raising an eyebrow, barely caring what Brad had to say about him.

“Kissing another girl when your allegedly best friend is head over heels for you. Enduring that must be painful, doesn’t it?” The jock said, his gaze moving to meet yours.

“Brad, stop” You said in a low voice.

“And not just that," Brad looked back at Eddie “you decided to go after the big fish and kissed none other than Chrissy Fucking Cunningham…Imagine having to compete with someone with her calibre…” Brad said turning to you “that’s rough competition…” 

“I’m sick and tired of your bullshit, Brad.” You snapped, feeling your eyes get teary, as his words had pierced exactly through your insecurities “You’re graduating this week, stop flicking acting like a middle school boy, grow up” You spat sourly and walked out of the circle. 

“I’m not done with you, you little bitch!” Eddie ignored Brad as he followed you, noticing the way you had clenched your jaw and looked down before walking away. “Oh, you are running away too? Fucking cowards, you deserve each other!” Bradley shouted as the two of you walked along the hall with long quick steps.

An uncomfortable buzz in your ears as you bit your lower lip, and took big breaths to keep the tears from spilling. A lump on your throat as you kept circling around what Brad had said, and how true you believed his words to be. Chrissy was perfect. She was cute, nice, laid back, petite, pretty, confident…Many things you could only aspire to be. And considering how high you thought of Eddie, she seemed a lot more deserving of him than you did. And that thought alone crushed your soul.

“Hey, are you alright?” Eddie said managing to get a hold of your arm, as you stopped abruptly and turned around. 

“No, Eddie, I am most definitely not okay” You barked.

“Hey, talk to me–“ 

“Sure, that’s a great idea!” You interrupted him sarcastically, “Okay so, where do I start? I am so deeply in love with my best friend and it’s cliche and stupid. We went to a party, I saw him talk to the most popular and pretty girl in school, but they appeared to be flirting with each other, so I got mad and drunk and made out with the biggest asshole I could find at the party. I did it out of pettiness, but jokes on me because I just embarrassed myself out there because of my funny little revenge…”

Eddie’s eyebrows lifted in concern as his eyes suddenly changed and now looked concerned and confused. 

“People are saying you and Chrissy left together and everyone is assuming the two of you slept together, which I know to be a lie because I was there, I spent the night over at your place and stayed the entire next day getting over my hangover, you watching over me. And correct me if I’m wrong, but we spent the entirety of the afternoon cuddling and holding hands, and I thought perhaps we were going to pretend like the party didn’t happen in the first place! But I get here and everyone is talking about it, Chrissy is looking for you, and people tell me you’re hanging out with her and I can’t help but get jealous, Edward!” 

Now Eddie had an uncomfortable buzz in his ears, and his heart felt heavier. 

“And now Brad is bitter because I don’t want to sleep with him and apparently you’re now popular because Chrissy is interested in you…And I can’t even be mad at you because seriously, Chrissy is such a catch. I’m happy for you…Seriously. You two actually look cute together”

The whole time you’re talking, Eddie could feel his own heart sinking and dropping all the way to the floor. Silent tears escaping your eyes only making him feel guilty. You sounded mad, but he can tell from the look in your eyes you actually felt sad, broken even. And the only one he could point fingers at is at himself. He did this to you. The girl he had been so in love with, not only happened to correspond to his feelings. But he had to find out in the worst way possible. And it was too late to fix it without hurting anyone else in the process. 

And when he watched you turn around and resume your walking, his own heart began to break. 

 “Wait— Sweetheart—“ He began.

“Eddie, stop!” You snapped looking at him. “Leave me alone for a while, okay? I need to think, besides, I have a job interview and I don’t want to show up with my eyes all red and puffy” You said and turned back around, leaving through the door. 

Right, Eddie remembered. You had told him you’d managed to schedule an interview with the photographer at the Hawkins Post and you were going to try and get a job there over the summer to save some money for New York and gather some experience to write down in your curriculum. He had forgotten the interview was today. In a couple of hours specifically. His throat closed even tighter, making it harder for him to breathe. He had told you he was going to take you there himself. Now he guessed he wouldn’t.

As he turned around after you disappeared behind the main door, he found Chrissy. Her big wide eyes looking concerned and worried. 

“I am so, so sorry…” He whispered.

You skipped the last period and left school one hour earlier to be able to cry peacefully on your way back home and get a shower before the interview. Eddie, however, stayed. After the last bell of the day rang, and people were soon escaping the building like it was on fire. Eddie dragged his feet to the Hellfire Club classroom to get some of his things he had there. Being the last week of school, he needed to take everything he wanted to take with him, or else leave it there for the future generations. And he wasn’t sure why he’d gone there in the first place. The things he wanted to keep were usually in his backpack or his van. 

Perhaps he was dreading the walk to his van. He’d normally meet up with you outside his van, and you’d go to grab lunch or something before heading back to his place to waste the afternoon away. But he knew you weren’t going to be there. And suddenly, driving on his own seemed like the last thing he wanted. Sitting in silence with his thoughts…Just no. And even risking seeing Chrissy in the halls. She’d seen everything that happened with Brad. And she was chasing after the both of you when you snapped at Eddie before leaving. He hadn’t talked to Chrissy about it, he simply apologized and left; and even though he knew he needed to, he didn’t feel like doing so right now. His mind was still all over the place.

He kept thinking of Chrissy and you. Sure, before spring break he felt that funny feeling in his gut after he made his drug deal with Chrissy. And he knew she felt it too. What he didn’t expect was meeting you in detention right after the break was over. The same funny feeling in his gut, but this was was different. It was warmer. The instant attraction and chemistry felt like a riptide. He simply met you, and from then on, he was met by some sort of gravitational force pulling him towards you. Becoming close friends in the span of a weeks was something that had never happened to him before. And he doubted it was going to happen to him again.

“Eddie?” Dustin’s voice echoed followed by the creek of the door opening. 

“Henderson, fancy seeing you here, you little dwarf” Eddie said looking at him with a hollow smile.

“How are you?” 

“Nostalgic, really. I’m going to miss Hellfire…” Eddie replied, knowing what Dustin meant but completely avoiding it.

“I mean…I heard what happened…” Dustin muttered as he walked inside the classroom.

“God, people really like to talk about other people’s lives. How boring must their own lives be?” Eddie replied, avoiding the topic. Again.

“I’m sorry for what happened…” Dustin whispered your name, making Eddie’s heart skip a painful beat. “She…I know she means a lot to you…” 

“Dustin, have I not made it clear that I do not wish to talk about this?” He said gently interrupting him as his smile faded and met Dustin’s honey eyes. 

 “Maybe you should, you know? But talk to her...tell her everything, I know you like her as much as she likes you…" Eddie rolled his eyes at Dustin. “And, well, you know her…she’s not exactly the most confident nor popular girl, think how she must feel about this…” Eddie’s heart shrunk 

“So I’m the bad guy now?” Eddie barked defensively.

“What? No! Not at all! This is just a communication problem…you two are best friends, you’ll be able to figure something out…” Dustin quickly added.

“Yeah, well…she’s moving to New York in two months…there’s nothing much I can do…” Eddie scoffed. “We can talk and cry about it, go back to being friends, sure, but then what Henderson? We confess our love for each other and decide to walk into the sunset holding hands and kiss under the moonlight, then what? She moves away and I stay here? You have a girlfriend, Henderson. You know how long distance relationships are hard. And now add that she’s going to go there for college…College and High School are not the same, man” Eddie spat, the tension building in his chest feeling slightly relieved, despite the fact that his eyes were getting tearful. “And I don’t know about you, but I’m someone who needs to be able to hold his girlfriend and kiss her and show her around like a badge of honor—” 

“Then go with her to New York” Dustin interrupted, as Eddie stopped right away and stared at him.

 “What?” 

“You heard me” 

“I can’t just pack up and go to New York…” Eddie chuckled bitterly.

“Why not? You want to make a living out of playing your guitar, don’t you? Don’t you think achieving that in New York might be actually easier than staying in Hawkins?”

Eddie’s mind became blank.

That evening, he climbed the tree next to your house up to your window as he peeked inside and found you sitting in your bed with a bunch of photos spread on your bed. It would’ve been a very cute scene if he hadn’t made you cry earlier and he still felt guilty about it. He tapped gently on the glass breaking you away from your trance as you got out of your bed and went to your window sliding it open.

“What the hell are you doing? You know you can use my door right? My parents love you” You explained.

Eddie’s smile soon dropped into a puzzled face as his eyebrows raised and eyes widened in confusion.

“Wait, really?” 

“Yeah…my dad knows his 9pm curfew is ridiculous, but he actually likes that you respect it and drive me home by 9, even when we stay on the sidewalk hanging out afterwards, even if we stay out there until very late… He appreciates that you do get me home by 9 always…” You chuckled softly as you moved away and let him in.

“Well in that case, next time I decide to visit late at night I will use the door…” He said with a cheeky smile and looked around your room, noticing the little details everywhere, thinking how much your room felt yours.

“Why are you here, Ed?” You whispered awkwardly as Eddie looked at you with tender eyes and a soft smile.

“Just wanted to see my bestie,” He replied with a shrug, managing to make you chuckle lightly and nod.

“Well, here I am” You said walking back to your bed.

“How did the interview go?” He asked as he followed you and gazed at some of the pictures as you picked them up and set them on the side table, making space for him.

“Good, I think. I talked to the photographer and said that he was going to talk to the editor…Kept some of my photos and told me to go on a few trial days next week…” You explained.

“That’s a good sign, right?” Eddie said excitedly as you couldn’t help but smile at him despite the subtle heartache. 

 “Yeah, I think so”

“Congrats” Eddie said pulling you in a genuine and tight hug. 

Wrapping your arms around him, you buried your face in his shoulder. And after a few seconds. you noticed he didn’t back out from the hug. His arms suddenly feeling too warm and soft around you, as his smell pierced through your nose. You could feel something radiating from his body into yours, a warm and comforting sensation that soon made your eyes tearful and heart beat fast. The memories of what had happened in the last days flooded your mind and you sobbed silently, hugging him tighter. 

Eddie felt your shoulders stiffen before you clung to him and he knew immediately what was going on. He kissed your head and burying his face in your hair, taking in the sweet smell of your shampoo. 

“I’m sorry,” He purred. “About earlier…Not my best moment...or the last few days for that matter. The last thing I even wanted to do was hurt you, out of everyone at school, you…” He said breaking the hug and cupping your face in his hands as he wiped away the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs. “You’re the most precious thing that school has, you know?” He whispered as you rolled your eyes playfully, and he chuckled. “I mean it! Sure, Chrissy may be the queen of Hawkins High, and Jason may be the town’s celebrity, but next to you, they seem so small…” He purred. 

“Oh please,” You said as your hands reached his wrists. 

“No, seriously, sweetheart” He whispered smiling and leaning closer to you, bumping his forehead to yours. “You’ve got a heart of gold,” He said, repeating what you had said in your drunken state, words he was positive you didn’t remember. “Until today I never saw you snap at anyone before, you’re always so kind and nice…second, you’re so smart it made me smart…” You giggled looking away as he followed you with his stare “I mean it! You’re the first person who actually succeeded at tutoring me, enough to get a much higher grade than I needed. And out of everyone from the senior year, you got the coolest college opportunity...Seriously…New York? Everyone else is either going to Indianapolis or staying here in Hawkins…You? You’re going to the Big Apple!” 

“Stop!” You giggled, getting flustered. 

“And last but not least, I take pride in being a freak, really, I do. And most of the things I do, I do them to piss people off…But never have I ever felt so contempt of who I am until I realized you genuinely enjoyed who I am…You make me want to become better…That is something completely new to me…" his voice died out calling your name. “You said earlier you were deeply in love with your best friend...Which is perfect for me because I am too, deeply in love with my best friend…So much it hurt and felt hopeless when you told me you were moving to New York, so much I tried to look for something, anything that could help me get over my feelings for you so it wouldn’t hurt as much when you left…” He said, his dark eyes glued to yours as he leaned forward again, his forehead bumping against yours and the tip of his nose brushing yours. “But I ended up hurting you…And trust me, that was the last thing I wanted to do…”

“Ed…” You whispered with your heart climbing all the way to your throat and you closed your eyes. 

Without giving it much of a thought, you leaned forward, pressing your lips to his. His breath hitched, not actually expecting you to be the one who sealed the kiss. He was still contempt and surprised. He kissed you back. His lips locking with yours in what was a shy kiss at first. Your lips infinitely sweeter and softer than Chrissy’s, perfectly molding with his as you quickly stole his breath away. 

He moaned gently against your mouth, making your heart race even further. Your hands grabbed his flannel shirt, slowly climbing up his chest until one of your hands made it to the back of his head, tangling with his messy curly hair as you pulled his closer. 

He took this as his cue to deepen the kiss, a soft groan escaping his throat. Moving closer to him, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, squeezing your chest against him. At once his arms mirrored yours and snaked around you, squeezing you against him, stealing a moan off of you into his mouth, making his blood warm up. His hands slid down your back as you broke the kiss and pulled your legs on top of the bed, breathlessly staring at Eddie. Your heart beating in your throat, as you cupped his face and brought him close for another kiss before he could even say something. 

Kissing you back, he smirked against your lips and moved closer to you. You slowly layer on the bed, pulling him on top of you. Wasting no time, he tried kicking off his boots but struggled. 

“Wait, baby…” He purred sitting on the bed and rushing to take off his boots as you chuckled and sat up, looking at him tenderly.  

After he did, he looked at you and smiled. You noticed the rosy tone in his cheeks, making your heart about to jump out of your chest. 

“Hey…” You purred softly. 

“Hey,” He giggled and climbed back on top of you as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and kissed him. 

He quickly melted into the kiss, leaning down and resting some of his weight on top of you as you welcomed him and wrapped your legs around his narrow waist. Pulling him closer, you moaned shyly upon feeing his hips against yours. 

Your moan echoed in Eddie’s head as he broke the kiss and started kissing your neck. Stretching your neck to grant him better access to your skin, your breath hitched as his warm lips slid down your neck. 

His name escaped your lips, making a shiver run down his spine as he bit your shin, his teeth gently sinking on the base of your neck as another moan, slightly louder, came out of your mouth. His blood rushing everywhere in his body as he smirked. 

“You liked that, babygirl?” He purred, dragging his lips up your neck to your ear.

“Ye-yes…”. You whispered as you felt your own cheeks grow hotter and hotter. 

He bit your neck again, slightly underneath your ear, making you arch your back and grip his hair. The gentle tug made him groan softly as one of his hands slid underneath your shirt. His fingers caressed your hip, not moving much as if waiting for permission. The sweet and needy whimper that came of your mouth soon after was the answer he needed as his hand roamed your body underneath your shirt. Noticing the way your skin got covered in goosebumps and your breath deepened made his pants feel uncomfortably tighter. 

“Talk to me, Princess…” He purred seductively. “Do you like this?” You whined. 

“Ye-yes…” You whispered. “I-I do…”

Amused by your shyness, he pulled back and looked at you attentively, wanting to see the reactions he managed to pull from you. 

“Can I take this off?” He murmured, referring to your shirt.

His gentle voice caressing your ears and making your crotch ache desperately as you nodded and stuttered and affirmative. 

“Only of you take off yours too…” You said. 

“Ah, m’lady wants conditions equality, I can respect that…” He giggled mischievously as he pulled back and took off his red plaid shirt along with his Iron Maiden shirt. 

You could feel your heart beating everywhere in your body as you stared at him. Hypnotized by all of him as you wondered if this was actually happening. After throwing his shirts to your floor, he wasted no time pulling your shirt off of you as his lips quickly attached to your shoulders and chest, his hands idly playing with the straps of your bra, pulling them down your shoulders. 

“You know…Condition equality includes this as well…” He purred as his fingers gently tugged on your bra, making you shiver. 

“Smartass,” You chuckled. 

“I’m just stating the facts, love” He sand as he ran a thumb over your skin, teasing your breast as he followed the cup’s curve, dangerously close to your nipple. “But I’ll wait for Ground Control’s instructions…” He said kissing your chest right underneath your clavicle. 

“Just take the goddamn thing off…” You scoffed as Eddie’s big curious eyes looked at you with fascination. 

“Desperate, are we?” 

“Just a little…” You admitted, feeling the heat rising up as Eddie’s hands snuck behind your back to undo the clip.

“Just a little…” He repeated.

As he let your bra fall off your bed, he wasted no time kissing your skin. Every now and then teasing you with his teeth, sucking on it, making sure he left some sort of evidence of what was going to happen. Always gentle, he noticed the particular shyness with which you reacted to his ministrations. He went slow, learning how to distinguish every sound and movement you made, and trying to learn the unspoken language of your body. 

Always aware that you weren’t perhaps the most experienced in these things, he asked for your permission for everything. If it was okay to touch or kiss somewhere, if he could take your pants off. And the tender and caring manner, along with his big doe eyes, it was impossible to resist him. Your mind spiraling out of control,as you wanted nothing more that to enjoy your night with him. You wanted nothing more than to feel him all around you. 

Once the both of you were completely naked, kissing and tasting each other’s skin, mapping everything little detail in a beautiful lovely memory, and once you’d made your way underneath the covers of your bed, it all felt too intimate. Sure, you were insanely nervous for what was going to happen, but you were also excited for it. 

As Eddie nestled between your legs, his erection gently resting on your belly, throbbing with anticipation, he had you locked in an intoxicating kiss. The heat of his body radiating into yours, as your legs around him kept him close. Hanging from the very last string of his salinity, waiting for your green like to move forward.

You broke the kiss, catching your breath.

"Wa-wait, Ed…” You stuttered shyly.

“What is it, princess?” He murmured pulling back and staring at you.

“There’s something you’ve got to know first…” The words dragging out of your mouth as you felt your cheeks grow hot at the slight embarrassment, Eddie however had been slowly putting the pieces together based on your reactions.

“We don’t have to do this of you don’t want…” He purred kissing your forehead. 

“I-I know…But I do want to…with you…” His heart stopped at the sincere look in your eyes and your words getting stuck in his brain. He smirked.

“Oh baby I’m honored…” He began, his cheeky smirk spreading as his heart almost jumped out of your  “But you know if we do this, we’re gonna have to marry asap and have my kids right? I’m thinking at least four…” He teased, managing to make you giggle.

“Oh shut up, you don’t believe that bullshit…” Eddie laughed at your remark. 

“No, not at all…” He purred as he “But, if we do this…You’ll be mine, and trust me, I don’t give up easily on what’s mine…” His voice grew seductive as he leaned forward and pecked your lips.

“What does that mean?” You giggled.

“I’ll follow you till the end of the world. Or until you tell me to…” He smiled and kissed you slowly, his lips locking with yours as one of his hands slid down your body down to your hips. “If you want me to stop or go slower, just tell me…Tonight everything’s about you, baby” He whispered.

You nodded. 

His hand slid down all the way to your thigh, now going up, closer and closer to your needy hole. His finger ran up and down your wet slick, as he smirked, proud that he had you like that. 

Your breath hitched as he watched your reaction attentively. His thumb circled your clit softly, watching you shit your eyes closed and moan softly, as you pushed your head back. Fascinated, he felt his mouth grow thirsty as he continued staring at you, hypnotized by your reactions. 

“Can I?” He asked, his index finger sliding to your entrance, teasing you, as his finger continued to get more and more covered in your arousal. 

“Please,” You begged. 

His finger very slowly sank inside of you, feeling your tight walls clenching around it, as a soft whimper escaped your throat. He kissed you sweetly, silencing your cry. 

“Silence, baby…You don’t want your parents hearing and walking on us, now do you?” He muttered. 

“N-no…” You stuttered. 

“Does it hurt?” 

“It’s just…weird…” You murmured. 

“It’ll soon feel good, I promise…” He pressed his forehead to yours.

He continued fingering you. Slowly, patiently exploring your velvet walls, once again guided by your reactions as he allowed you to get used to the feeling. Quickening his pace and eventually sliding a second finger in. Your sweet quiet moans fueling him, making him desperate to claim you as his, growing addicted to the beautiful sounds you made and the way you so desperately called his name. He kept going, building up a rhythm you could easily grow used to, until he had you cumming around his fingers. Proud of the mess the made of you, his cramped fingers still buried deep inside you, he took in the gorgeous image of your body slightly shaky and covered in a thin layer of sweat. 

“Fuck, your beautiful…” He purred. 

“Kiss me, Eddie…“ You whined. “Kiss me, please” 

Obediently, he kissed you, swallowing your whines as he could taste the universe in your mouth. His heart full and body hot, he slowly pulled his fingers out, pulling a soft grunt out of you. One he gladly drank from your kiss as well. As the world came back to focus, you clung to him, being painfully away of his length still on your belly. You shivered at the thought of eventually having it inside you. 

“E-Eddie…” You whispered breathless. “I want you” You purred. 

He felt a shiver run down his spine as he smiled and looked at you, his black eyes devouring you with adoration. 

“Your wish is my command, baby…” He muttered as he wasted no time, running his wet fingers over his erection, coating his dick with your arousal and positioning himself against your entrance. 

He looked at you one last time for consent as you gave him a shy nod. And with that, he pushed inside of you. Slowly. Very slowly. A gasp caught in his throat, as your tight walls seemed to squeeze around him, gently sucking him as you covered your own mouth with one of your hands, muffling the moan fighting its way out. Feeling ecstatic, he closed his eyes, enjoying the sweet feeling of your warmth surrounding him as he bottomed out. As he went all in, he looked down, watching his pelvis connecting to yours, getting another shiver down his back. He smirked and leaned down, kissing your cheek. 

“You’re all mine now…” He whispered kissing your jaw as you arched your back, wrapping your arms around him. 

“I’m yours, Eddie…” God, your words made him light headed as he started moving in and out of you, slow at first. 

Eddie, who had a few encounters here and there wasn’t exactly crazy about sex. Sure, he had his kinks and had fun every time he had the chance to have sex, but he wasn’t someone who’s actively go around flirting with people, looking for someone to take back to his bed. But this, with you, oh, he could definitely see himself getting addicted to doing this with you. It was far more than just the sex and the adrenaline running through his veins. It was the intimacy of it. Your body so close to his, your whispers and moans cooing him, the way your touch set him on fire. Sex had never felt this good before. 

His thrusts going deeper and deeper and getting faster and faster, he still remained collected, reminding himself that this was your first time. Besides, he loved attentively watching the way you moved and reacted. The way you opened your mouth and said nonsense with every push. The way your face got all flustered every time he praised you. And god, the way you told him over and over you were his. And only his. His heart beating alongside yours as you both shared this moment, getting drunk and lost in each other, as every piece of your heart was on the table. Caught fire, and skin tingling. It was such an addictive feeling.

What were you doing to him?

Nothing in his life had ever felt so gratifying as that moment right there. And he knew he did not want to let you go. Not when you left to New York, not ever. He would definitely keep his word and follow you to the end of the world. 

Low moans and sweet nothings dissipated in the air, caught between the hungry kisses of two lovers. Their bodies melting together and the pleasure increasing with every second, thirsty for that high at the end of the road. The ecstasy of both of your orgasm condensing slowly. Eddie cumming shortly before you, but not stopping until you were pushed off the edge as well. Blissfully giving in to that relaxing burn and tingling his entire body, washing over him as your walls clenched around him, and he moaned with his face nuzzled against your neck. 

Once the both of you came off your highs, Eddie was still lying on top of you, catching his breath as his entire body melted on top of yours, relaxed, ready to fall asleep for the next several weeks. He hummed softly and kissed your chest.

You stared at Eddie with melting eyes, smiling at the sight of him leaving small pecks all over your skin.  He eventually noticed you staring at him and blushed lightly. 

"What?” He whispered. 

“You meant that?” You asked with a low purr. 

“What exactly?” He hummed slightly sleepy resting his chin over your chest, staring at you with sleepy eyes.

“That you’ll follow me till the end of the world?” He smiled and closed his eyes.

“Definitely” He purred.

“Does that include New York?”  

“Especially New York…” He replied at once.

“Really?” 

“Is it so hard to believe?” He chuckled softly “I don’t think I ever felt like this about someone…Not to sound like a slut, but I’ve had my fair share of flash romances and one night stands, and none of them sparked in me whatever it is you did…” He said as you stared at him, and ran a finger through his hair, brushing a misplaced strand of hair off his face, “I’d never felt so scared of losing someone…I do want to be with you…whether if it’s here, or in New York…if you tell me you want to pack up and go walking to Argentina, I’ll go too…” 

You smiled, considering his words, biting your lower lip.

“That actually sounds like a good idea…” You said.

“Argentina?” 

“A sabbatical year before college…Perhaps not spend the entire year but…working and saving up money for six months, and then go to Argentina…” You wondered, as Eddie’s smile spread.

“Can we take a small detour to Brazil?” You giggled at his proposal.

“We can go anywhere…” You replied, noticing the dumbfounded smile he was giving you “What?” You asked.

“I seriously am in love with you…” He sighed lifting himself up on his elbows “I know, it’s cringy, saying this right after we had sex for the first time but…” He chuckled at his own comment “I’ve had feelings for you for some time now…” 

“How long?” You murmured curiously.

“I always found you pretty, but since you were often hanging around all sorts of popular crowds, I didn’t really feel like approaching you…” He began “After we met, boy, I wish I had talked to you earlier. You’re nothing like them and you’re far cooler than anyone else in that school…I was smitten after that time we went to have Chinese? Do you remember?” 

“That was literally the week after the detention thing” 

“Exactly!” Eddie said gawking “And when you showed me your portfolio that same day with all your favorite pictures, man, I felt like I’d jumped down a cliff and fell on my face” You blushed.

“Since then?” You giggled. 

“I’m pathetic, I know…” He chuckled. 

“No, you’re not…” You kissed his cheek. “For me it was when you introduced me to your uncle…” 

“What?” You giggled at his confused reaction.

“Yeah…You know you look at him in a very particular way?” Eddie raised an eyebrow.

“Really?” 

“Like you’re immensely grateful to him…And like you genuinely care for him, I saw that look and thought ‘Man, I wish someone ever looked at me that way…’” 

“Yeah well,” Eddie chuckled, blushing lightly “He took me in after my asshole dad ended in prison…I knew having to watch over me and practically raise me was rough for him, I was a kid but I wasn’t stupid, I saw it was hard for him in the begining, and I felt like a burden, but he never complained, though…” Eddie sighed as his eyes suddenly got lost in the distance as he recalled his childhood memories “He never got mad, he was always nice and gentle with me…” Eddie chuckled meeting your stare again “He bought me my first guitar and signed me up for classes after he once found me playing with a broom, pretending it was a guitar while I jammed to Pink Floyd…” 

“That’s cute…” You whispered smiling, feeling a gentle squeeze in your chest upon seeing that sweet spark in Eddie’s eyes. 

“I owe everything to that old man…” He sighed deeply “Specially now because, thanks to him, the girl of my dreams loves me back” He smirked.

 Giggling, you cupped his face and pulled him in for a small peck.

“Thank you for helping me sneak out of detention…” You whispered.

“You’re very welcome, love” He smirked. 

~~~~~~

I hope you liked this one! Please make sure to leave a like, a comment or a reblog, help spread my work please! I also have a few more (considerably shorter) Eddie fics and a few fic recs in my blog if you're interested!

[starglow-xx]

hello! may i request headcanons for chuuya having a crush on someone who's dense? like he could ask them out in the most straightforward way possible and it would still go over their head?

yes, yes of course you may!

sorry this took so long! my computer was out of commission for abt a week (or two..??)

but this is also my birthday writing piece for chuuya!! (4/29/21) i even added a small drabble thingy in addition to the hcs for the occasion hehe

from where i am, it is about fifteen minutes past midnight so it’s officially chuuya day here!!

happy birthday chuuya i love you! you deserve the whole world and everyone is willing to fight tooth and nail to ensure your happiness! we love you! 💗💗

anyways, i hope you all enjoy this! i kinda had some writer’s block but it was still a lot of fun to write! there might be some mistakes, but i’ll scan over it again later. reader is gender neutral! have fun!

chuuya having a crush on a dense! reader

nakahara chuuya x gn! reader

im cackling somebody help him

he’s frustrated bc you can’t take a hint or a thousand but he can’t even be mad bc he’s whipped

“look at you all dressed up today, wanna go out later? my treat?”

“oh really? thanks chuuya-san! you’re such a nice friend. i’ll go invite the others right now, i’ll see you later!”

“...”

fast forward to later in the evening and he finds himself at a little restaurant with the black lizard + higuchi and akutagawa

sigh

in unison all of them go, “thank you for the meal chuuya-san!” (except aku and hirotsu are quieter & and gin just a nods hehe)

“no problem” (ꐦ ´͈ ᗨ `͈ )

gin only pats him on the back in sympathy

he spends a lot of time trying to think of ways to make it absolutely and undeniably clear that he has feelings for you

he always fails

“(y/n) i like you”

“i like you too chuuya-san”

“really?”

“mhm”

“t-then will you—”

“you’re a really great friend! and superior too”

“...nevermind”

“oh were you saying something?”

“nah, just forget about it”

tachihara is laughing in the corner of the corridor

dont worry, chuuya made sure to get back at him

chuuya’s been pinning after you for years and frankly, his failed attempts to woo you has lead everyone to the breaking point

and i mean everyone

yes, even aku

hell even dazai

but dazai also thinks it’s funny, so he doesn’t mind all that much

okay bye bye dazai-san this headcanon set isn’t abt you rn

PLEASE EVERYONE FEELS SO BAD FOR HIM

they knew even if he kissed you, you still might not get it

so they decided to help him

super secret mission get chuuya and (y/n) together is a go!

they’re still working on a proper mission name, don’t mind them

they had a super secret strategy meeting!

you can bet your ass that they nearly got nothing done

akutagawa & kaiji weren’t much help, neither was higuchi, mori, or elise

tachihara nearly got killed for a thoughtless comment

“just tell them chuuya-san!”

“i already fucking did you ass!”

gin, hirotsu, and kouyou were the most helpful !!

hirotsu and kouyou both agreed on the idea that chuuya should try courting with bouquets of flowers instead of flat out asking you bc they knew you found them pretty

(even if you don’t identify as a female, flowers are for everyone no matter gender or sexuality! so let’s normalize giving flowers to everyone <33 )

gin didn’t speak but she used cards to communicate

everyone knew that you weren’t stupid (you wouldn’t have survived in the mafia if you were) but they did know that you were only stupid when it came to all this lovey dovey stuff

i mean, if chuuya gave you flowers every so often, there’s no way that you wouldn’t piece it together at some point

right...??

but kouyou assured him that even though you wouldn’t get it right away, you’d appreciate the gestures and that he’ll stand out more

she even said that if someone gave her flowers, she would appreciate it, whether or not she reciprocated their feelings

it takes guts to be so up front with your feelings after all

gin and hirotsu only nodded with her explanation

once again, this only provoked a reaction out of tachihara

“what do you know gin? i get the old man and kouyou-san, they’re grown, but you? what do you know abt courting? or flowers? what are you a girl?”

akutagawa choked on his cough, higuchi on air, and on the other side of yokohoma at the ada, dazai is cackling

yes, dazai somehow placed a listening device onto chuuya’s hat and was listening in

don’t ask how, it’s dazai

“DAZAI GET YOUR BANDAGED ASS OFF THE COUCH AND STOP LAUGHING”

anyways

the next day, chuuya did what was barely discussed and for once, things actually started to look up

until they started look to down again

at first, it actually looked like you understood his intentions after he gave you a bouquet of flowers

literally everyone was leaning against the opposite hallway you two were in and then they got excited !!

especially chuuya !

but then your expression sort of changed...??

and then in their heads they simultaneously went, “oh no”

they knew that expression

it was very familiar when you tended to friend zone chuuya

but boy let me tell you what you said next made them facepalm and or make their jaws drop

“ah, so you really are friend zoning me huh chuuya-san; what a shame, i really did like you”

LEMME TELL YOU WHEN I SAY THAT CHUUYA WAS DISTRESSED I MEAN HE WAS DISTRESSED

you liked him??

him of all people??

he wasn’t complaining, no of course not, but he still couldn’t believe it

but that wasn’t what he was really focusing on right now

what in any form or language did it say he was friend zoning you?!

flower language apparently

chuuya chose to buy the bouquet of yellow roses, pink carnations, and yellow carnations bc he thought you would appreciate the brighter colors, and so that you’d remember them better (because remembering them, meant remembering him)

but ooh boy

altogether, they meant the exact opposite message he wanted to send

someone help him pls

“you see chuuya-san, yellow roses mean friendship, pink carnations mean gratitude, and yellow carnations mean rejection; sooo in a nutshell, these pretty much say ‘thank you for being my friend, but im rejecting you”

no one can tell if tachihara is crying or wheezing

and dazai is having the time of his life

yes, he started listening in on him again

and chuuya is just stunned

like speechless and unmoving stunned

is he just bad at this whole courting/dating thing?? it’s only been one day and of it and somehow he was the one doing the rejecting??

“thank you for the flowers chuuya-san, i’ll be going now; i’ll make sure to let this affect our friendship. i’ll see you tomorrow!”

you passed by the not so subtle group of people

“tachihara-kun..?? are you alright?”

just for context, he was leaning his forehead against the wall using his forearm

again, it was hard to tell whether he was crying or wheezing

“i-im okay (y/n)-san...i think c-chuuya-san has it worse than me”

“...okay..?”

BACK TO CHUUYA

he’s still frozen poor baby

but it’s okay bc after like 5 more seconds he’s chasing you down the hallway you were walking in

kouyou, with a knowing smile on her face, ushers everyone away towards the opposite direction

she received some whines (ahem, tachihara and mori) but silenced them by summoning golden demon

but it’s okay

if they run fast enough, they can see what happens through the security cameras

chuuya caught up with you and tried to explain everything but he was exhausted

emotionally, physically (bc since when did you walk that fast??), and generally just tired with the whole situation

he just wanted to call you his; was that too much to ask??

as explosive as he can be, he can be calm and collected too

and he really did try to be that way as he talked with you but it was very difficult at the moment

the dumbfounded and confused look on your face his face twitch with annoyance and his heart started beating faster bc god you were cute

BUT THATS BESIDES THE POINT RIGHT NOW

thank goodness after what seemed like years, you finally somewhat understood what happened

you didn’t understand completely but it was something

The two of you stood in the middle of the unusually empty hallway facing each other, you with the bouquet still in hand. It was quiet as you and Chuuya assessed the situation.

You looked at him skeptically and he stared right back you with his gorgeous blue eyes.

“...So you do like me Chuuya-san??”

“Yes”

“And you were trying to court me just now, not friend zone me??”

“Yes”

You got most of your questions out of the way, but there was something that you’ve been wondering about for quite a while.

“...So you’re not gay for Dazai-san??”

“Yes, im not wait—GAY FOR DAZAI?? THAT MACKEREL??”

Chuuya did a double take. What in heavens name made it seem like he liked that suicidal maniac?? Why would he choose him if he had you?

Like he would choose him anyways; or ever consider him as a possible romantic partner.

“Oh, so you are?”

“NO! I SAID I LIKED YOU DIDN’T I?”

“Well yeah, but I thought you liked Dazai-san too. As annoying as he is, he can be quite charming—”

He was out of patience at this point (nope definitely not because you were talking about Dazai who told you that?) and just decided to kiss you.

You immediately melted into the kiss and kissed him back with the same amount of love and feeling.

Letting the bouquet fall to the ground, you wrapped you arms around his neck and his put his on your lower back and brought you closer to him. After a few more moments, the two of you broke apart for air.

The two of you, slightly out of breath, leaned your foreheads against each other and just basked in each others presence.

Chuuya looked into your (e/c) eyes and asked you just a little bit above a whisper, “Now do you get my intentions and feeling?”

You blinked at him before breaking out into a grin, “Hmm I’m not sure; do you wanna do that again Chuuya?”

The red head only blinked back at you before rolling his eyes, a smile present on his handsome features, his heart fluttering at you using his name with the honorific.

“Dumbass”

Smiling cheekily at him, you pressed a kiss on his cheek and started dragging him towards the lobby to take a walk around the building perimeter, knowing that the two of you can’t be too far from work.

The way down to the lobby was mostly in comfortable silence until you said something that made Chuuya want to bash his head against the wall.

“You know, you could’ve just told me you liked me Chuuya. It’s not like I would’ve said no.”

Once again, as the rest of the more power mafia members watch from security cameras, it is hard to tell whether Tachihara is crying or wheezing of laughter.

omake !!

The two of you just started making your way around the building when suddenly a very familiar voice came from Chuuya’s prized hat.

“Chuuyaaaa!! It was about time you stopped being a chicken, Chibi!”

Removing his hat from his head, he started yelling at it not knowing exactly where the listening device was planted.

“TEME! HOW DID YOU—”

“And (y/n)! I would congratulate you, but I think I would rather offer you my condolences. Why him?! He’s just a slimy slug. OOH OOH how would you like to join me in a double suicide?! A shame it won’t be a lover’s suicide but it’ll annoy Chuuya so I think it’ll be worth it! ”

“YOU—”

“And please don’t kiss while I’m listening in. You made me lose my appetite! And it was such a shame! I was eating crab using Kunikida-kun’s money! Do you know what you’ve cost me?!”

“DAZAI YOU PIECE OF—”

“Ah! Kunikida-kun is here! I have to go!”

You can hear something is the background that vaguely sounds like, “DAZAI YOU WASTE OF BANDAGES STOP USING MY MONEY”

“DAZAI DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE IM NOT DONE WITH—”

*Click!*

The click sound from the hat revealed that Dazai disconnected.

Chuuya twitched and glared furiously at his signature hat hating that the voice he hated the most came out of it.

“Aww, I didn’t get to talk to Dazai-san”

Chuuya whipped his head towards you, a look of mock (or real) betrayal showing on his features.

You laughed at him before taking the hat out of his hands and placing it on his head.

He shyly looked away before muttering a thanks making you smile wider. Just as the two of you were about to start walking, a small explosion erupted from his hat; it was likely that Dazai made the listening device self destruct.

“DAZAI YOU BASTARDD”

At the Armed Detective Agency, a certain suicidal maniac hid from the wrath of his current partner as he thought about the wrath his old one.

“Hmmm I wonder if Chuuya would finally stop wearing his ugly hats if I blow all of them up...”

as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

[ursifors]

alright so hembo came back just to... say he's leaving... again? i'm gonna tear apart what he says in his video because honestly most of it is so fucking ridiculous i can't believe he just acts like this.

under a readmore because this shit was so much longer than it needed to be even with the parts i'm not mentioning.

[ID: I had a month to think this over and I've decided to bring the videos back, but I still plan to leave the community behind for many reasons. If you still want to hold onto your hate, then this video is not for you and I hope you find peace someday. Nothing anyone says here will stop me from leaving, I've done more than enough for others throughout the years. My time is better spent helping others.]

the first thing i noticed about this passage, which is the opening to his video, is that he says "nothing anyone says here will stop me from leaving" - it struck me as a bit funny because his tone, like he really truly believes anyone in this community is going to get on their knees and beg him to stay. bro WE shoved you out we don't WANT you to come back. also the way he says "i've done more than enough for others. but also my time is better spent helping others." i can't stop laughing he didn't proof read this at all did he.

[ID: I'm only doing this for the people who enjoyed the 6 years of effort. I volunteered about 10,000 hours of my free time helping others through laughter. The same kind of laughter that cheered me up and allowed me forget my troubles when I needed it most. ONce this video is uploaded. I'll take my time adding back any deleted videos if applicable. For those wondering why Ryan Haywood appears in older videos. It's cause I never had the time to go back and edit him out of 5 years worth of videos. But now I refuse to edit anything for the community again. Someone else can do it if they want to. I think most people forget that rooster teeth hasn't edited Ryan out either. So I don't know why anyone expects a single freelance editor to re-work years of content again when teh company has paid editors that did not.]

holy jesus fucking hell. first of all, why does he literally act like he is the only person out there who edits clips of content he didn't make together when i can literally name like 5 other channels off the top of my head who do the same. second of all, hembo, people expected you to edit out ryan BECAUSE this shit was what you did in your free time. the paid editors at rt kind of have their hands full, you know, editing the new fucking content they are constantly making. i wish they could work on going back through old content but thats YEARS of content and they are all working on the new stuff coming out daily. you however, could have easily posted "hey im gonna go back and edit out RH no new compilation videos for awhile bc this is important" for fuck sakes u were editing content that isnt even yours in your free time you're not some kind of god to the community get over yourself.

[ID: There were a few people who brought up another common what-about-ism as they made every possible excuse for justifying stealing just to protect their own. "What about all the times Geoff was a piece of shit in the past?" And my thought was okay? I have a lot more memories of him acknowledging he was an idiot than him making excuses for the stuff he did.]

wow that's super convenient of you to remember all the times geoff acknowledged what a dumb kid he was and not punish him at all for crimes he committed in the past! i wonder if we watch the same content because i mostly seem to just remember geoff laughing and saying "here is this insane thing i did as a kid which i am telling now as a story because i find it hilarious that i did this" and not really ever saying "i'm telling this story because i have grown as a person and would never do a crime ever as an adult." don't get me wrong i love geoff but hembo is so desperate to excuse any of the white cishet men of rtah for doing far far worse things and recounting them with glee it's actually pathetic.

[ID: I'm not sorry for making the "controversial video". Because I've got nothing to apologize for. I called out Ky for sounding like an asshole and I'm going to think you're an asshole if you unapologetically steal. The fact that she says she did it more than once leads me to think that she's okay with it. She then said it was "very funny" so again, you're an asshole.]

honestly it's pretty apparent with everything he's said that hembo truly just hates ky and is looking for a reason to justify it to everyone else. i literally cannot wrap my mind around the fact that every ah member has at one point or another said "hey i did this terrible thing when i was younger isn't it so hilarious" but of course hembo would never condemn anyone else... i wonder why? hmmmm. dear hembo stealing from giant corporations and the government is never wrong god bless ♡ also love that he's not sorry for trying to start some kind of purist crusade against ky with the platform he had (don't quote me on this but didn't he literally have more followers than her on twitter at the time of posting that video... yikes man! ur nuts!)

[ID: Some focused on the crime being a victimless crime. True, the store will survive, most employees wont give a shit, and the amount stolen was probably insignificant, but I'm still going to think you're an asshole. I don't care if you stole a beer or a piece of gum. What bothered me was her childish attitude. Admittedly, I overreacted, but I'd also say that the community response was a bit of an overreaction too. More on that later.]

while i'm glad he can admit he overreacted he immediately follows it with basically "but also so did everyone else and i didn't do anything wrong ♡" dude shut the fuck up. honestly this entire video is just him being like "i'm leaving don't beg me to return it won't work and also i wasn't wrong and i still hate ky" annoying ass just leave already.

[ID: The community is way too hostile and toxic towards anyone they don't like. Even towards the people who had legitimate criticism like audio levels. The community tore those commenters to shreds for daring to complain. I saw the company response was to make a shirt design of a blown-out audio wave that the community tried to provide as proof. I saw people state the website was crashin ga lot when they launched a new version and the community response was along the lines of "then leave if it's so bad."]

see this is interesting to me because while i do agree that SOME of the time people can get overzealous with telling others to fuck off, you have to take a step back and look at why. people who were saying "whoa boy i think ky's mic is a touch loud! any way we can fix her audio set up?" well that's fine! that's polite! and actually constructive! but that is not what most people were doing. most people were saying "i hate ky she ruins videos she's too loud i hate screaming despite being an achievement hunter fan who loves michael wah wah boo hoo" so of course the community clapped back to that????? like what is so hard to understand about constructive comments vs straight up hate?

[ID: It seems like the community is always ready to jump on any chance to dogpile on anyone who dares to say something they don't agree with. So I'm not surprised at how many people were pissed off beyond reason. That reaction was predictable, but I still found it a little sad to see how many people made excuse for stealing. I remember one excuse is the $100 charge that a university may charge for stolen goods.I probably got charged the same during my time in college. I still wouldn't use that as an excuse to steal 25 muffins or some shit.]

good for you hembo can everyone please give a fucking standing ovation to our perfect little angel who would never ever STEAL, the worse sin of all! shocked he didn't say ky should get a hand cut off because that's how they used to punish thieves back in the day since this man's way of thinking is fucking archaic. so glad he didnt ever feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as a starving college student since he wouldn't ever steal food he probably would have rathered died then take an innocent giant corporation's candy bars :(

[ID: I judged Ky for her words and actions. I judged her for who she is, not what she is. I even offered a way to make things right. It's wasn't hard. Just say that it's wrong to steal, something so basic. She could still admit this now, but that's for her to decide if it's worth saying. I think at the time she posted a generic "I'm not perfect" and "I will always reflect and try to do better." Which I found funny cause it still ignored her stealing story with a fortune cookie style catch all statement about self reflection. Is it really that hard to address something stupid you said in the past?]

this. this right here. this paragraph basically boils it all down to what his real intentions and feelings are. he judged ky for something she did as a broke college student, and then for the way she decided to tell the story. despite not upholding any other ah member to the same insane standard. despite not knowing shit about ky's personal life. despite ky literally not owing him anything. and then ky went above and beyond and did make a statement about still learning and growing as a person. but that wasn't good enough for him, but i don't think anything would have been. no matter how ky had reacted to this entire shitfest, i truly believe hembo would have found some way to belittle her regardless. because he doesn't like her. plain and simple.

[ID: For those jumping to conclusions and want to make this about race or gender, I know you're wrong. I've been discriminated against and felt alone my entire life. I know what racism looks like, sounds like, and feels like. If you disagree then don't worry, I'm still leaving and we'll both agree that the other's opinion is wrong and none of this will matter over time anyways. I don't understand why people had such strong opinions when most of you don't even know my background or name.]

i'm white so i consulted @kingpattillo, who is black, about this passage.

me: mostly i just wanted to say that in my opinion this doesn't hold up because he may know what racism specifically towards asian people looks like as that's what he faces but he does not know what racism towards black people is like because he doesn't experience it. and that he's trying to act like he can't be racist against black people just because he himself isnt white or whatever.

erlande: ah, so it's my turn to tear him apart, huh? yeah, give me a minute, because his take is uh. oof there may be typos, and it's almost 3am, so excuse me is anything is unclear

the one thing he said that i agree with is the racism he mentioned experiencing is unjustifiable. no doubt about that. every person of color has negative experiences in everyday life because of their skin, and therefore, can relate to each other because of some of those said experiences. you know, overlap and shit.

however, ky is specifically black and a woman, and hembo can't relate to that because he is neither of those things, so he can't fully understand what ky specifically goes through. he can empathize to an extent, but the reason why i, and many, MANY other black fans and members of AH, are so pissed off at him is because of the hypocrisy and inconsistency with his comments

[ID: I didn't have any sense of community growing up. I was born in a small town with no other asians and got bullied a lot, but that never stopped me from trying to be a good person. When I started looking into careers. My parents weren't supportive of my decisions. My very first dream was to be a hero. I know helping others gives me a sense of fulfillment and purpose. Just seeing others happy makes me happy in return. So I ran the idea to my parents that I wanted to be a fire fighter or police officer. They both screamed at me no. They explained that they didn't come into this country to have their son die or be killed. Thinking about that now, I can understand their concern. I'd probably be one of the first ones to put myself in a dangerous situation if it meant saving a life. Instead of dying a hero they wanted me to be safe and happy.

I thought it would hurt to just leave 6 years of work behind, but I felt like a weight was lifted after closing ll the doors. Mot of the community didn't know much about me to begin with o it made the disconnect even easier. I've got more important work to do in animal care and it fulfills my very first dream, to be a hero. The amount of effort and care I put directly impacts the lives of the animals I help and in it also impacts the lives of the people they touch. I can see how much I'm helping others rather than rehashing Youtube videos for strangers.]

fucking shocker the guy who lost his fucking marbles and destroyed his reputation in this community overnight because of his absolute hatred of stealing and how a black woman stole one time, wanted to be a cop. also has an insane hero complex. idk why he even included this like waxing poetic about how good of a person you are doesn't actually MAKE you a good person you freak.

it kind of blows my mind that he genuinely thought he was doing something like so amazing for the community just by making compilation videos like i'm not bashing the practice i love watching those kind of videos but. he's acting like he's the fucking second coming of christ for doing so and it's so WEIRD? also huge red flag to me that he doesn't seem to have any actual friends in the community? like idk if this is just me but leaving this community would be hard for and on me because i have so many friends i made here and losing that common interest would suck ass. but he's just like yeah its sooooo easy to leave and go help animals goodbye. like genuinely what a racist weirdoooo.