#you know i actually went about buying some of these myself and ripping them

[jok13-writings]

Something About Us (Modern AU, Gyuraro x reader)

Read part 2 |. Read full work on AO3 here

Note: Hi everyone, I'm very excited to make my first post in this blog. This is supposed to be the first chapter of a series that I have in mind. Later I will continue posting them in AO3. I am new at writing and English is not my first language, so please be kind! I would like to thank all the writers in this platform, you all have inspired me to try writing myself <3 Thanks for reading and hope you all like it! (I accept any tips and suggestions, I'm still learning!)

It has been a few months since you started your first year at University. This new chapter in your life was exciting, and you managed to get to know a lot of new and different people. With your easy going and friendly personality, you became popular really fast. People adored you, always getting praised by your looks and sweet personality, and you couldn’t help but love the validation. You always made a lot of efforts to be liked by everyone, always thinking that if you treated others with kindness, the same would be returned to you. But there was one particular person that seemed to not like you. 

He was always sitting on the back of the class, with a scrutiny gaze and a scowl in his face. Some of his wavy black hair lifted in a half bun, with some locks always covering part of his ink stained face. His clothes always black; ripped pants with silver chains attached, oversized t-shirts, and his signature combat boots. He was a loner, and people tended to avoid him due to his rude and violent reputation. Gyutaro Shabana was intimidating, to say the least. 

In fact, he seemed to despise everyone, but you, with your obsession to be liked by everyone, took it as something personal. The first day of class, you tried to introduce yourself to him with your usual friendly demeanor. He looked at you with dose cold icy blue eyes, scoffed and told you to “get lost”. You were shocked by his rudeness, and you could only stare at his back speechless, as he walked away. 

Since that day you were determinate to make him like you. In order to gain his favor, you started making small gestures such as lending him your notes, smiling at him when your gazes met or say good morning to him when you saw him in class. In some occasions, you even send him the details and requirements for assignments that had explained in class when he would not show up. Every time you made any of that gestures or tried to approach him, he would immediately shut you down or directly ignore you. It was frustrating for you, but at the same time made you feel more curious towards him. 

You started to observe him from the distance, taking note of everything about him. He was always so rude, making inadequate comments about others, and sometimes straight cruel when he got the chance. You kind of disliked him, like everybody else did, or at least that's what you thought. Despite that, you couldn’t help but felt drawn to him.

The more you observed him, the more you noticed some other things about him. He was incredibly smart, everyone thought he had bad grades, but he was actually doing pretty good without almost showing into class, and he even had a scholarship. He was also very good at sports. You found out he was part of the basketball team one day you went to see a match with your friends, and you were really surprised to see how good he was at it. But what made you change drastically your perception of him was seeing how he treated his little sister. 

On a Friday afternoon, you were in the mall with your friends, and you happened to see him sitting in an ice cream shop with his little sister. He was caressing her hair fondly while she ate an ice cream. Seeing him in such a way made your chest flutter in a strange way that you did not expect. He looked so caring towards her, and it seemed like he even went all his way out to buy her a lot of clothes, considering all the shopping bags around them. You never have seen him before in such a way, and this more tender side of him intrigued you. 

As you looked at them, you couldn’t help but wonder how would it feel to be gazed so fondly by him, as if you were something he cherished. You could feel such as a confusing feeling, close to longing, build in your chest. As you watched the scene unfold in front of you, you suddenly snapped out of it, mentally slapping yourself for having such confusing thoughts about him. 

Since then, you had found yourself thinking more about him in different ways, in ways that you never thought you would. You tried to deny those new-found feelings, and never talked about them with any of your friends. After all, what would they think if you told them that you were crushing into the obnoxious loner of the campus? And more over, how would your reputation be affected by getting involved with him? 

You kept doing those small gestures for him, but now with a different purpose. Yes, you still wanted him to like you, but now it was in a deeper level. One day, in the math class that was required to be taken by most of the majors, the teacher announced an upcoming project that had to be done in pairs. As people started to pair up, you looked over at Gyutaro and noticed that, as usual, no one seemed to want to pair up with him. Gaining all the courage you could have, you decided to approach him and ask him to be your partner. 

He was sitting in his usual spot, with a bored expression and looking through the window. You stopped in front of his desk and as he noticed your presence, he turned and just stared at you with his signature cold gaze. You gave him a soft smile as your gazes locked and started to speak. “Hey Gyutaro, sorry to bother you, but do you have a partner for the upcoming project?” 

He looked at you skeptically and grunted. “No. And why do you care?” He said with a hint of defensiveness. You stiffed a little as he said that, not used to be spoken to in such a tone. Even thought that, you keep your smile, trying to look impassive to his rudeness. “I don’t have a partner either, would you like to team up with me?” you said sweetly. 

Gyutaro, for a split of a second, seemed to look surprised, but then the hardness in his expression returned. He did not say anything for a while and crossed his arms over his chest. He seemed to be pondering your proposition. Meanwhile, on the inside you were a nervous wreck, and you could feel your heart hammering into your chest from the tension. 

“Why? Don’t you have friends or something?” He said bluntly, taking you totally off guard. You shifted on your weight, feeling a little on the spot, and tucked some strands of your hair behind your ear from the nervousness. “Yeah… but they are all already paired up, and I thought we could make a good team… you seem good at math…” You trailed off, not knowing what exactly to say to convince him. 

He stared at you for a while until he shrugged and replied with a flat tone, “Eh, I guess I'm decent at it...” as he leaned on his chair. “Fine, we can do the damn project together but don’t expect me to carry it” he concluded and shifted his attention again to the window. 

As he said that, you let go a soft breath of air that you did not know that you were holding, feeling relieved. “Good, I’ll send you the details latter, and we can see when we meet up to get started with it”. You said and walked back to your seat with your friends. 

Seated back in your seat, you can’t help but feel really excited about spending time with him. You think this is your best opportunity to get to know him better and maybe to get him to like you a little. Your friends look at you puzzled and ask you why did you decide to team up with him, of all people. You just responded that you felt bad for him since he did not have a partner for the project, masking your real purposes. As usual, they praised you for being such a good person and told you to be careful around him. 

Meanwhile, Gyutaro was watching you from the back of the class, seeming curious about you and the interaction you two just had. Maybe this would be the beginning of something between you two.

[nostalgia-tblr]

My Next Attempt At Long Fic (by which I mean more than 10000 words and it has chapters) Should Be...

Poll and the (actually quite long) gist of each option below le cut:

The Sylki Con Artists AU

This one I have a wee bit written of already but I go back and forth on this one because it's Alternative Universe - Modern Setting and I feel like there's already a lot of those (which I also complain about a lot), and I have to justify it to myself as an experiment in whether I can do a Sylki Modern AU that doesn't just end up as "two people called Loki and Sylvie do normal stuff together". That's why they are con artists in this! Because 1) MISCHIEF (or crime, or whatever) and 2) if they have the same 'job' for similar reasons and I go on about them being similar a lot then that's maybe as close as reality can get to selfcest. (The selfcest is not just a feature of sylki, I feel it is THE feature and to admit to being Bad At Shipping (again) I'm just not that interested in it if they're different people who aren't even aliens. The same alien.) (You can tell me they are gods all you want but I've seen enough Doctor Who to know that must be A LIE so I reject it as such.)

The plot is that they meet in a bar one night and shag (obviously!) and then the reader discovers that Loki is trying to buy a painting from an old woman (planning on ripping off both her and his own buyer) and Sylvie is an artist who is selling a forged painting to some posh twat on the internet who she knows is trying to rip off her fake old lady persona on the deal but she's selling him a fake painting anyway so at least he deserves to be conned. They meet up a few times before finally realising that they are in fact conning each other under fake names on the internet, and then I have to try and fix it when they inevitably get mad at each other because of it. Also, Thor works in a shop because the brodinsons are Downwardly Mobile (dad spent all their inheritance, oh no!) Plotwise Loki is going to actually need Sylvie's painting for reasons I have not yet entirely worked out so one way or another they will have to eventually forgive each other for being con artists as they themselves are and for having attempted to con each other.

Ideally I will be able to make this one funny in some way, as I think the concept can get absurd enough to make a rom-com out of it.

2. The Jotun Heat Fic (also sylki)

I was into this one for about a day and now I have second thoughts because I am not sure I care enough about Frost Giant Biology to have to write an entire fic about it. It would continue my tradition (I did it once, that's enough for it to be a tradition) of turning a tiny ficlet into a much longer thing. This one: The Opposite of Heat, in which Loki and Sylvie go into whatever the Jotun equivalent of the fandom fave 'mating cycles/in heat' trope is, having never done so before because (see if you can guess...) they've never previously spent enough time around another Jotun for the hormones to kick in properly. They have no idea this can happen, and what starts out as Fun Porno-Fic Times soon gets a bit worrying and then I suppose they have to Investigate and that's the bit I fear might end up boring me.

This is set in an AU where S2!Loki did not instantly demand that Sylvie help him with his cop friends' problems and instead just went to live in Oklahoma with her, so the other/'real' plot is them getting used to living together and the weird-but-sexy medical issue bringing them into conflict because of course the first place Loki wants to go for help is the TVA (this not unreasonable of him, as they have a lot of info in their archives and he has no other friends anyway), which Sylvie is not keen on as she would rather just avoid them for the rest of forever. Gosh, I hope nobody goes to the TVA for help behind anyone else's back!

I need a way to make this one stay interesting once it gets to the Find Out What Is Happening part and also it needs to not just immediately end with a sensible solution like just going to Jotunheim and asking someone there for a talk about the frost-birds and the frost-bees.

Also I think they should fuck in that McDonalds. Just because.

3. Jotunheim Rejects The Guy Who Cannot Possibly Be Its Rightful King, Because I'm Annoying Like That AU (not thorki)

Speaking of going to Jotunheim, you know all those fics where Loki goes to be the Rightful King Of Frostland, as Odin apparently planned all along? That but it doesn't work, because I am not at all convinced he can have been Laufey's heir (who the fuck infanticides their only male heir?!) and even if he was well it'd just look awful, wouldn't it? Crusty Old Odin, worst friend to Jotunheim for several years running, sends back your kingdom's heir having raised him as one of his own family. (I hope at least one of you is thinking "US-Backed Puppet Ruler Who Will Do Whatever The CIA Tells Them To" because I did too! Ooh, geopolitical barely-subtext!)

The problem with this one for me is it requires a fairly large cast of Original Jotun Characters, and I still fear writing OCs because of the constant 'Mary-Sue' complaints in my fannish youth. Also I would Controversially (LOL not really) make some of them women, including Angrboda the ambitious would-be consort and Laufey's tragically spurned lover who on finding out that her long-dead son is not dead makes the most of it by insisting everyone call her 'My Lady, the King's Mother' (yes, I stole that from History but I do that sort of thing now, for the LOLs). So I have a bit of an idea what happens in this one, though I'd need to think of more political type plot stuff and also I just finished writing a multichapter fic that involved the Jotun succession so maybe I'd be overdoing it if I did this one now as well.

The other problem is Jotuns are too fucking tall. I mean really. This doesn't seem to bother anyone else but they are Too Fucking Tall to interact with the shorter characters, to the point that it just seems accidentally comedic to me. Just imagine the totally-not-a-puppet king of Jotunheim sitting on a massive throne, swinging his wee legs in the air. And I don't know how to work around that other than just saying "they are Less Fucking Tall in this fic" and I don't know if that would just annoy people. Also it does feel a bit incendiary to go against the general fandom insistence that Loki Is Totally The Rightful King Of Jotunheim. Though I suppose in this he is, it's just that he attempts to become so in the sort of circumstances that make everyone start saying things like "are we really that keen on our monarchy?" or at least "surely there's a cousin or an uncle we could give the crown to instead? yeah, even a woman would do. no, she doesn't have to be alive if there are only dead ones available."

(It was a mistake to let me read books about the Wars of the Roses, wasn't it?)

Oh and this isn't a thorki fic, but Thor is going to go to Jotunheim with his bro to help him settle in and also he will be going back to rescue him from it at the end. Bros before snows!!!!

[inmyicyworld]

Barbie

Summary: Bucky takes his best girl to watch a Barbie movie and then spoils her with gifts.

Words count: 1.4k

Warnings: fluff, NO SPOILERS

Author's note: So basically, I wrote it for myself because I had no one to watch this amazing movie with, and it gave me some comfort. I believe that Buck would’ve actually enjoyed it too because he’s so sweet and cute.

masterlist my ao3 ko-fi

You had been excited about the Barbie movie since the day you found out that it was in the making, and you may or may not have annoyed Bucky with it like a million times.

You begged him to go see it on the day of the premiere, and even if at first he really wanted to say “no”, he couldn’t.

Yes, he was your grumpy old supersoldier, but he would do anything to make you smile.

When the tickets started to sell, it was almost impossible to find one because people went crazy about this movie.

When you finally had time to look for the tickets, they were sold out. Obviously. Even if you didn’t say anything, Bucky saw sadness written on your face when you didn’t get the tickets for the opening night, and it hurt him to see you that way.

So, as the best boyfriend in the world, he got them for you. 

Yes, there was definitely one good thing about being a famous Avenger: you could get almost everything.

You and Sam also taught him how to use TikTok a few months ago, and besides a million videos of cats, he started to see Barbie-related content. He wasn’t really interested until he saw a video where a guy bought his girlfriend a doll and a lot of pink and cute things as a surprise.

Would you like it if he bought this for you? Did you even like dolls?

Bucky didn’t think about it too much; he just went to the store. 

He probably stood in front of the shelf with Barbie dolls for way too long because, while he was looking for the one he thought you would like, a shop assistant came to offer him some help. Bucky explained his situation, and the young girl—Stassie, as he found out—was almost jumping with excitement to help him and said that his girlfriend was really lucky.

She showed Bucky two dolls that came out recently: one in the western look and one in a light pink dress. It was hard to pick one because both were really cute.

So he bought both.

Stassie gave Bucky a few tips on what else he could buy for you; that's why, after another hour in the mall, he went home with a big box full of random pink and cute stuff.

You weren’t at home, so he hid the box in a safe place and decided to give it to you after the movie.

The day before the premiere, when you two were already getting ready to sleep, laying under the blanket and ready to cuddle while watching a movie, he silently gave you a white envelope.

“What is this?” You asked, looking at your weirdly smiley boyfriend.

“Open.”

You studied his face for a few minutes, but then sat up and carefully opened it to not rip whatever was inside. 

“Bucky…” You whispered as two tickets with “Barbie” written on them fell into your hand. “You didn’t—how did you get it?” Your eyes were watery as you looked at him.

“That’s a secret. But I wanted to make you happy.” The soft look in his eyes made you want to cry, but instead you just jumped into his arms, leaving kisses all over his face.

“I fucking love you, James.” 

“I love you more, doll.”

It was safe to say that he got his reward for being a thoughtful boyfriend, and you both fell asleep only a few hours later. 

You two walked out of the movie theater holding hands while you were still sobbing a little bit. It was an amazing experience, and you were overwhelmed with feelings. Bucky led you to the side so you wouldn’t bother other people, wrapped his hands around you, and held you close to him.

“Are you okay, baby?” He mumbled into your hair and kissed your temple.

“Yes. I’m so happy that we watched it. And that you came with me.” You wrapped your hands around Bucky’s neck and melted into him.

“I liked it too, actually.” You heard a deep chuckle.

“You know, I told you that you look great in pink, and you didn’t believe me.” 

You obviously decided to stick to a non-official dress code, but it was hard to convince your boyfriend that he needed to wear something pink too. So the only thing that he liked in the store was a pink jean jacket, and you were okay with that.

An old lady that sat in the movie theater behind you with her grandkids said to Bucky that he was a really good young gentleman and that you two were perfect for each other. 

Bucky didn’t really like any interactions with strangers, but you still noticed a light pink color on his cheeks and a sweet smile that he gave to the woman.

“If you think so, I’ll accept it, baby.” He was silent for a few seconds, but then smiled again and cupped your face with his metal hand so you would look at him. “I have something for you at home. Do you want to go there now and then order some food?”

“Something for me?” You frowned at him but still leaned into his touch. “And you should know better than to ask me whether I want to order food or not. I always do.”

You were sitting in your living room on the couch, where Bucky told you to stay and wait for him. He went to your bedroom and came back in a few seconds, holding a big pink box.

“This is for you.” He put the box near you on the couch and sat on the free spot at the other end. 

“For me? Why? I forgot about our anniversary or something?” You tried to laugh. 

You opened the lid, and your mouth opened as you saw what was in there. Your shaking hands gently pulled out two boxes with dolls, and you took a few seconds to look at them properly, trying to blink away the tears in your eyes. Then you got the rest of the stuff: a pajama set, a journal, a candle, masks and bath bombs, and a lot of your favorite candies. Of course, everything was pink. 

“I hope you like it. The girl at the store said–” You didn’t let him finish before you stood from your place and sat onto Bucky’s lap, hugging him as hard as you could, sobbing into his neck.

“Sh-h, baby, that’s okay.” He wrapped his arms around your body, gently swaying you from side to side.

“T-thank you so much, Bucky, really. You didn’t have to do it.” You moved back a little bit, and Bucky’s right hand immediately flew to your face to wipe away tears. You took one of the boxes with a doll on your lap and carefully took her out of the box. “She’s so pretty... I’ve never had a real Barbie before. They are expensive.”

“It is worth every dollar if it makes you happy. I saw this idea on that video app, and I wanted to give you something special.” 

He looked at you with a soft smile while you were unpacking the second doll and then gently touching her hair and clothes. He thought that he gave this present more to the younger you, and it made him feel so happy.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” You put the doll down and took Bucky’s face in your hands. “I am so lucky to have such a person in my life. Thank you for everything. Not only for the dolls, it’s all amazing. I love you, James.” You closed your eyes when he moved closer and put his forehead on yours. 

“I’m the one who is lucky to have you. I’ll give you anything if it makes you smile this way. I love you.” 

[nhlclover]

hurricane | jack hughes

summary: you reconnect with your ex after running into him at a bar.

request: yes / no

warning: drinking, kissing

a/n: based on ‘hurricane’ by luke combs. the biggest fan of this but whatever! thank you guys for the support on the last one and for sending in requests! i promise i will get to them!

word count: 1.38k

“Please come with us, y/n.” My friend Maya whined.

I was currently sitting on my couch, resting comfortably in my sweats, with my two best friends standing in front of me, wearing miniskirts. They were trying to convince me to come out with them to a bar that we normally go to.

“I’m just not up for it girls. I have a headache.” I say, giving an excuse that I hope they buy.

“Bullshit.” Lily says. “You’re still sad about Jack.”

I wince as she says the name of my ex-boyfriend.

“So what if I am?” I fire back.

“It’s been two months.” Lily reminds me.

“Actually it’s only been a month and 17 days.” I corrected her.

“Get up now.” Lily says, ripping the blanket off my legs.

Jack and I breaking up was just about the last thing I wanted to happen, but with our conflicting schedules and him being out of town so much, we couldn’t make time for one another. Ironically, breaking up was the only way to save our relationship.

“I just… What if he’s there tonight?” I ask, really not wanting to see him.

“Please, it’s a Wednesday night, he’s not going to a bar on a Wednesday night.” Maya tells me.

I hesitate, looking back and forth between my friends. “Alright, I’ll pay for your first drink if you come out tonight.” Lily tells me.

I sigh, and, deciding that a free drink is incentive enough, agree to go out with my friends. I quickly change into a black mini dress, pairing it with baby blue boots, and grabbing a purse that matches them. Lily orders the uber while I quickly apply some makeup. Just as I wrap up the application, she gets the text saying the driver was here.

We get to the bar which is relatively packed for a Wednesday night. As promised, Lily buys me a shot for my first drink. I take it, letting the tequila flow down my throat, burning going down. We talk for a bit, making conversation with a few frat guys that “thought we were hot as fuck”, before I decide I need another drink.

I dip away to the bar, ordering a vodka cran. When he’s done, I take the drink from the bartender, exchanging it for my card to start a tab. I weave in between groups of sweaty people, making my way cautiously to my friends. I notice two tall brunettes both wearing backward hats, who had replaced the frat boys, conversing with my friends. It isn’t until I’m standing next to Maya that I recognize the two as Nico and Dawson, two of Jack’s teammates.

“Oh no.” I falter. “He’s here, isn’t he?”

“Just went to the bar.” Nico nods.

I get slightly panicky when I realize we’ll likely come face-to-face. Even though it had been almost two months, I had yet to lose feelings for him. What Jack and I had wasn’t something I had ever experienced in a relationship before. He understood me even when I made no sense and quickly found his way with my body.

I see all their heads turn to look at the bar, then looking for myself, seeing him walk straight towards me. He looks just as good as the last day I saw him, his hair only slightly longer, but with a freshly shaven face. I freeze, not knowing whether to stay or walk away. I go with the latter, deciding I couldn’t handle talking to him yet, especially not with this little alcohol in my system. I wouldn’t even know what to say.

I again weave through people, finding my way to the bathroom. I slip in, locking the door behind me. I quickly down the rest of my drink and then look in the mirror, slightly touching up my hair and makeup. I unlocked the door and peeked my head out, hoping he wasn’t waiting outside of the bathroom. He wasn’t so I made my way to the bar, cautious of the people around me. I felt a little stupid, sneaking around this bar just to avoid my ex-boyfriend.

“Hi, can I get a highball, please?” I ask the bartender, who nods at my request. He quickly mixes my drink, putting it on my tab. Highballs are my poison; once I finish one, I know I’m destined to make poor decisions the rest of the night.

Just as the drink is set down in front of me, I notice a body take a seat on the barstool to my left. I don’t dare look, hoping if I don’t I might not need to talk to him. I gulp down part of my drink, feeling a slight burn from the whisky.

“Hey man, can I get water?” he asks. His smooth voice sends a chill across my shoulders as if he was dragging his finger across my back. I make the mistake of finally looking up, only to see him already looking at me. I consider making a run for it.

“Don’t run away.” He says, reading my mind.

“Hi.” I say softly.

“Hi.” He replies.

“How are you?” I ask, trying to be polite.

“I miss you.” He says.

“That doesn’t really answer my question.” I joke, gulping another sip of my drink.

“You know how I’m doing.” He replies.

The fact of the matter is that neither one of us wanted the breakup. When we did, I heard through friends that he was doing just as bad as I was. That he wasn’t sleeping much and was putting all his anger and sadness into hockey.

“Jack… it was for the best.” I remind him.

“I know… I just feel like we could’ve made it work.” He sighs. I sigh as well, gulping down the last of my drink, which I finished alarmingly fast. Jack, noticing my now empty glass, flags down the bartender.

“Hey, can she get a sprite with orange juice?” He asks, adding the drink I always get to close out my tab. As if reading my mind, he says “I remember your last drink. You never forgot. And neither did I.”

He was right. Whenever we went out to get drinks, he always ensured I got orange juice with sprite to end the night.

“I can’t believe you remember that.” I chuckle.

“Are you kidding?” He laughs. “The one time you forgot to drink one, you literally cried in the back seat of the Uber the entire drive home.”

I laugh with him, vaguely recalling the drunk memory. “Hey, I like tradition.” I respond. “At least I didn’t fall leaving a bar and gash my eyebrow open.”

“Oh my gosh. And remember I had to lie to the media and say that it was from a puck hitting me?” Jack recalls.

We laugh together, and remember memories from our relationship.

“Do you remember the last time we were at this bar?” He asks.

I nod, sipping from my orange juice, hoping he wouldn’t notice the blush on my cheeks. “We couldn’t even wait to get home so you dragged me to the broom closet over there.” I tell him.

“We couldn’t get enough of each other.” He says softly. It was as if he was the only one in the bar speaking. I couldn’t hear anything but his voice at this point. My heart races as I remember the times we spent together. “Come on y/n… we were perfect for each other.”

His hand had now found its way onto my knee, gripping it lightly. “Why end something so good?”

I don’t know if I should blame the alcohol or the natural effect that Jack has always had on me, but I give in.

“Did you drive here?” I ask him.

“I was supposed to DD tonight.” he replies.

“Then let's go.” I say.

[blues824]

This might sound a little too much to ask, but could you do headcanons about Ace, Deuce, Jack, Epel, Ortho and Sebek going to the reader's world (which is real-life Earth), please? I would like to see them explore the countries and cities, taste the unique cuisines (including the ones they had never tried before), buying souvenirs, etc. I would also like to know their favorite singers, songs, movies, food, drinks, countries and cities from the reader's world.

I made myself hungry. Reader is barely mentioned, but kept gender-neutral. They are all aged-up because some characters have alcohol as a favorite beverage (besides Ortho).

Ace Trappola

Favorite country + city he visits: Los Angeles, United States. He loves the big city, and L.A. has a day-life and a night-life. NYC comes in second place for that same reason.

Favorite cultural cuisine and specific favorite food: It’s stated that he likes cherry pie, so he probably likes food from the U.K. (I looked it up and it said that cherry pie originated from there)

Favorite drink: Strawberry green tea with popping strawberry boba. Riddle’s taste for strawberry has rubbed off on him, and since L.A. has a lot of boba shops, he loves it.

Favorite souvenir: A fancier deck of cards, for obvious reasons

Favorite singers/songs: I have a feeling this man knows his Nicki, so his go-to song is Monster by Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, Bon Iver, and Kanye West

Favorite movie: High School Musical, but when you ask he will say something like Silent Hill to seem all bad and cool

Deuce Spade

Favorite country + city he visits: Probably Tijuana, Mexico. It’s right on the ocean, and therefore it has a beach. He would love to rent a motorcycle and ride with you all over town.

Favorite cultural cuisine and specific favorite food: Mexican food, specifically street tacos. Mexican street food is some of the best I’ve ever had. When you had him try it, he fell in love.

Favorite drink: Horchatas. They’re a popular drink, and he thinks it’s so good (so do I)

Favorite souvenir: A handmade keychain that has ‘T.J.’ engraved on it. 

Favorite singers/songs: I feel like he’d be into Bad Bunny, but more specifically the song ‘Te Bote’. Mans doesn’t know what the lyrics translate to, he just thinks it has a good beat. (Btw, I’m aware Bad Bunny is Puerto Rican)

Favorite movie: La Bamba. He loves it, but it always makes him cry. (😢 RIP Ritchie)

Jack Howl

Favorite country + city he visits: Madrid, Spain. Beautiful scenery, wonderful sunset skyline, and rooftop bars: all you need in life.

Favorite cultural cuisine and specific favorite food: Bocadillos, any kind as long as it doesn’t have green peppers.

Favorite drink: Sangria. His canonical favorite food is pear compote, so I feel like he would love a fruit-based drink

Favorite souvenir: A pair of Spanish sandals that he got custom-made. He thinks they are comfortable to walk in.

Favorite singers/songs: He loves the local artists that you can find on the streets, playing for flamenco dancers. His favorite song is Ninguna, by Juanes (I know Juanes is Colombian).

Favorite movie: Call of the Wild. It's a sad story that made him tear up the first time he watched it.

Epel Felmier

Favorite country + city he visits: Marseille, France. He went on a road trip all around France (as much as he could, anyway) and found that this place was at the top of his ‘favorites’ list.

Favorite cultural cuisine and specific favorite food: He does prefer macarons over macaroons, so French cuisine would be his favorite. However, Italian food comes in second.

Favorite drink: He wants to be seen as manly, so he would say his favorite drink is whiskey on the rocks (he does genuinely like it), but his favorite is actually a lighter spirit. He would settle for beer, though.

Favorite souvenir: A very small model of the Eiffel Tower.

Favorite singers/songs: Probably As It Was, by Harry Styles. He is secretly a Harry Styles fan 

Favorite movie: Like Ace, he would say his favorite movie is something like The Conjuring, but it’s the Titanic.

Ortho Shroud

Favorite country + city he visits: Thessaloniki, Greece… for obvious reasons.

Favorite cultural cuisine and specific favorite food: He doesn’t eat; he’s a robot

Favorite drink: He doesn’t drink; he’s a robot

Favorite souvenir: A chess set, but instead of normal pieces it’s Greek Soldiers

Favorite singers/songs: I feel like he likes older songs, so I will say Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

Favorite movie: Guardians of the Galaxy

Sebek Zigvolt

Favorite country + city he visits: Stratford-upon-Avon, England. He likes to read, and this is where Shakespeare was born.

Favorite cultural cuisine and specific favorite food: I have reason to believe he likes Italian food. His favorite food remains salmon carpaccio.

Favorite drink: He doesn’t drink a lot, so his favorite drink is Earl-Grey Tea. However, when he needs to relax, he drinks campari (he probably likes the bitter flavor)

Favorite souvenir: A leather-bound copy of Romeo and Juliet

Favorite singers/songs: Until I Found You, by Stephen Sanchez (probably discovered after he read Romeo and Juliet for the first time)

Favorite movie: He loves the Harry Potter movies, and no one is allowed to argue with me.

[seancoffe]

Happy early birthday to myself, and so we’re celebrating by writing headcanons about my three favorite ships (Kazuscara, Kaebedo, and Dottolone). ~My birthday is January 5th if you’re wondering~

~Also thank you to @gay-salt-amber for helping me with these~

——————

Kazuscara HC:

- Their pet names for each other are:

Kazuha to Scara is Daffodil

Scara to Kazuha is My Samurai or Tulip

- Once Kazuha got a rip in his pants and thought ‘Shit- Scara’s gonna kill me’ and once Scara saw he was scolding Kazuha while sewing it again and saying “Seriously? A branch?”

- Scaramouche won’t let Kazuha go to the store for much, he grows it in their garden

- Once for their anniversary Kazuha took Scara to a haunted house thinking Scara would end up in his arms. He was wrong, he ended up in Scara’s

• Scaramouche: Tulip you’re fine, it was something tapping on a window. It’s not part of the attraction

• Kazuha- while being held by Scara in a koala hug: I don’t care! I’m scared

- Scaramouche is a shirt, hoodie, and scarf stealer

- Whenever one of them have a bad day, they will make a pillow/blanket fort and watch movies and cuddle

- Once Kazuha had to go out with Aether for an expedition and Kazuha was scared, so after Scara got done scolding Aether he went to make sure Kazuha was ok

- Scara is the househusband

- Kazuha is the little spoon and Scaramouche is the big spoon

- Kazuha wants to be babied whenever he’s sick, which Scara finds adorable

- Scaramouche when he becomes sick (which is rare) he becomes a brat

- Kazuha sings Scaramouche lullabies to sleep

- Once Kazuha overworked himself when he was exploring and ended up passing out and so Scara was worried sick and wouldn’t let him leave the house for the next few weeks

- Kazuha has an overload of problems and so Scaramouche makes him fidget toys and those earplug earring things

- When Kazuha is having a hard time sleeping, Scaramouche does his asmr voice to help him sleep

- They have two swings beside each other on a tree called the “Weeping Tree”

- Scara gifted Kazuha a white cat for his birthday and they named him Tomo

- Kazuha said to Childe once, “You’re the reason why the gene pool needs a lifeguard” and Scara couldn’t stop laughing for 30 mins

- Kazuha does Scara’s makeup

- They have matching maple leaf necklaces for whenever they’re away from each other

—————

Kaebedo HC:

- Kaeya falls asleep to the sound of Albedo painting

- When they were in school, they were academic rivals

- After a long day in Dragonspine, Albedo just wants to be held by his human heater (aka Kaeya even tho he has a Cryo Vision)

- Klee brings Kaeya and Albedo to ‘Bring your Dad to School Day’ even tho neither of them are her dads

- Albedo still does only three strokes for Kaeya’s portrait, even after they got engaged, however for their anniversaries, Albedo will actually make a good portrait of Kaeya as his present

- Diluc (Kaeya’s brother) and Rhinedottir (Albedo’s creator) were the first to know of their relationship

- Their pet names for each other are:

Kaeya to Albedo: My Calla Lily or My Bunny

Albedo to Kaeya: My Ceclila

- Albedo knows how to play the ukulele and puts Kaeya to sleep playing it unreasonably fast

- Kaeya plays the bagpipes to annoy Albedo and to get him to stop working when he needs a break

- Once Albedo overworked himself in Dragonspine so much that Sucrose had to tell Kaeya to come get him because she was so worried

- Kaeya doesn’t understand shit about Albedo’s experiments but will still read his thesis papers and say “They look good Bunny, stop stressing yourself”

- Once Albedo fainted because of the cold in Dragonspine and Sucrose wasn’t there to get Kaeya, so later Kaeya was worried about where Albedo was and found him passed out in the snow and was so worried about him

- Albedo loves squishmallows and so Kaeya will secretly buy him some

- Once Albedo fell asleep in Kaeya’s hoodie and cuddling a squishmallow, Kaeya was jealous of a squishmallow

- Albedo loves piggyback rides and will tease Jean about it cuz Lisa doesn’t like to give her any

- Their house is surrounded by a koi pond and they will have picnics around it

- Albedo only wants comfort from Kaeya

- Albedo paints Kaeya’s eyepatch or else it’s “boring”

- Kaeya is Albedo’s ‘Human Canvas’

- Albedo wants to dye his hair but is too scared of what it’ll look like, and so Kaeya bleached some of his hair to Albedo’s shade and then dyed it to the color Albedo wants so Albedo will have more confidence in dying his hair

—————

Dottolone HC:

- Whenever Dottore needs a test subject for his experiments, Pantalone will either offer himself if it’s not lethal (Dottore refuses to operate on him for experiments if it’s lethal) or offer one of his fatui servants

- Pantalone gives Dottore extra mora for his experiments. The other harbingers doesn’t think it’s fair but don’t say anything cuz then their pay will be lowered

- Once someone said something bad about Pantalone and Dottore had them be his next test subject on an experiment that he knew would be lethal

- Sometimes Dottore gets overstimulated and only wants attention from Pantalone during that

- On their first date, Pantalone spoiled Dottore to as much stuff as he wanted

- Dottore is Pantalone’s protective ‘dog’

- Pantalone gets sick in the winter alot and at first Dottore was super concerned because uh- it gets bad

- Once Childe punched Dottore cuz Dottore wanted to see what would happen. Childe’s pay halved for a year, it would’ve been 2 if Dottore didn’t tell Pantalone to just do 1 year

- On Dottore’s birthday, Pantalone spoiled him rotten

- During Signora’s funeral, they had to stop the ceremony many times cuz Dottore wouldn’t stop flirting with Pantalone

- During the Fatui Christmas, Pantalone and Dottore couldn’t be found. They were then found later making out in their room

- Their pet names for each other are:

Dottore to Pantalone: Sugar Daddy

Pantalone to Dottore: Sweetheart/Darling

- The first time Dottore called Pantalone ‘Sugar Daddy’ he wasn’t seen or heard from in weeks, he was spotted coming out of him and Pantalone’s room weeks later (He also called Pantalone ‘Daddy’ once and the other Harbingers wouldn’t let him live it down)

- Pantalone hated Dottore’s clones before they got yeeted from existence

- Pantalone draws on Dottore’s arms with markers whenever he’s bored

- Pantalone can do gymnastics really good and Dottore finds it hot

- Pantalone loves cats but Dottore hates them, he still lets Pantalone gets cats though

[ladysophiebeckett]

need to talk all of you about this amazing movie i watched after watching a couple of duds (sometimes we have to watch duds to find gold)--

and you think 'oh its another hallmark movie'--no. as u can see it's 'reel one entertainment'. dont confuse them. (its like the same thing)

anyway--'the marry me pact', starring Rejected Property Brother #19203 (i assume they have more of them in canada) and Brunette American Carey Mulligan--brings the drama in this 'my best friends wedding' rip off.

opens with rory (rejected property brother) on his 29th birthday reminding 'charlotte' of the pact they made at 21--(bc some girl dumped him) that if he wasn't married by 30 he could marry his best friend charlotte (american carey mulligan). and rory wants to cash in bc this is his face when charlotte says 'yeah but u weren't serious right?'

he was charlotte. he was.

so then she buys him a plane ticket out of miami to like, south america or something. as a present.

then its a year later.

charlotte visits a psychic for research purposes (she's a writer). the psychic tells her 'hey girl there's a man in ur life and also a pact to marry him'. she got all that fm tarot cards. but at no point does she actually do any book research. its over. now the idea of getting a man is in her head.

and boy does it. bc then at the end of the day shes like 'what if rory is the love of my life???' uh u didnt even want him a year ago....

psychic tells her one thing and she's all in.

then rory calls her and is like 'im back in miami' and says 'i have some things i need to tell you'

so they're at dinner (it's pizza at her sister's restaurant. bc a man wrote this so they just eat pizza its their favorite food blah blah blah) and he's like 'yeah i want to settle down. i started to envision that for myself', she's like---

thinking he's gonna say its her. out of nowhere.

but then rory says 'i met rachel!'

charlotte:

then rory's like 'oh yeah we're engaged. and getting married in 3 weeks. and also can u be my best man? and on top of that, can u help me plan my wedding, bc im absolutely useless'.

charlotte: uhh

rory: you're gonna love her. she's a nerd like you. she loves food, like you. she loves the green witch fm that musical, like you. in fact, why dont you meet her right now?

yes, why dont we.

this is charlotte and rachel hugging:

this is rachel in case you're confused.

and this all three of them having wine in his kitchen--

that's right. rory went to south america and found the first american brunette that looked like charlotte and called it a day.

this man is sick.

then charlotte's like 'damn it looks like u couldnt get rory to have better taste in art' and rory's like 'uhh that's one of rachel's paintings' and then rachel spills wine on charlotte. but it was an accident.

im not kidding that really happens and i laughed.

moving on to another hilarious moment--charlotte's finally checking her fan mail that's been sitting in her organized office for 6 months--and what does she see? a postcard rory wrote her from chile declaring his love for her and he says in it 'you dont have to reply and nothing will change between us if you dont feel the same way'

charlotte reading this like--

and what does she do after this? nothing. she just mopes. like a loser.

then later, somehow in a big city like miami, they all run into each other---

the woman in blue is charlotte's pizza sister, she has a boring ass romantic subplot of her own but it doesn't matter.

the script makes it a point to tell us that rory and charlotte love bookstores bc they 'make them feel safe' while rachel the fiancée complains that she likes hitchcock movies but rory falls asleep during them.

rachel is such a loser for liking 'psycho' meanwhile im pretty sure rory's lying about knowing how to read.

anyway he has the audacity to complain that charlotte hasn't been helping him plan his wedding to another woman, literally in front of her (rachel). bc apparently charlotte's been blowing him off. gee, i wonder why.

then he tricks her into going to find a tux and then he tricks her into trying out a wedding dress with the excuse of 'i just want to make sure i look good standing next to rachel in her dress'

we dont even know what rachel's wearing. but sure.

anyway, this little freak got what he wanted.

then charlotte's like 'can u get my shoe off, its stuck in the dress' idk how that even happens but whatever--

then that little freak got what she wanted. ect ect.

of course we get a scene of his brother saying 'hey we always thought you would marry rory lol' and then charlotte leaves immediately.

then we meet the psychic again who says she got a vision of a woman in a wedding dress leaving a wedding. and we think 'oh is she gonna run out on rory?' but the psychic says, what i think is a great line, 'my child, i dont get visions of the future. i get visions of the past'

charlotte and anyone watching this: what?

psychic: i dont make the rules.

this is the worst psychic in miami. she'll give you the lottery's numbers but it'll be the winning numbers fm like, a year ago.

so then its like 10 days before the wedding and we're doing cake testing with rory, rachel and his best friend charlotte.

rachel when charlotte shows up:

rachel (in private), is like ' wtf is she doing here??'

rory: shes helping us out.

rachel: i thought this was something we could decide together??

rory: i could tell her to go...she does find this all tedious..

rachel: no..i dont want to make things uncomfortable

rory: i think u should be happy someone like her is helping me tho bc im so stupid :\

rachel: yeah ur right :\

personally i think rory is getting away with too much.

so theyre tasting cakes but rory and rachel dont agree and ask charlotte and of course charlotte like's rory's choice, which leads to another hilarious moment--

rachel: well what do you know about wedding cake?

charlotte: i know you never ate your first one

and then rachel almost chokes on her own spit.

fast forward--rory's like 'what was that about?' and charlotte's like 'uh nothing'.

rory: do you mind cutting rachel some slack? its important to me that you two get along.

charlotte: i promise.

so now rory has two women apologizing to him for fuck ups he initiated.

let me remind you that a man wrote this.

then charlotte has to apologize to rachel and takes her to a Hitchcock retrospective. rachel's tells us about her failed engagement that happened 'years ago'. but then charlotte stalks down the ex fiancé and finds out rachel left him a year ago. not 'years ago'.

and if you think that's gonna come up later or be resolved--you're wrong.

then charlotte had to help rory find the location of his wedding and we find out that he hasnt written his vows.

rory: u know im terrible at writing. you'll help me right?

like,,,is there anything rory's good at? i dont think so.

now im fastforwarding filler scenes to get to the bachelor weekend--

the boys and charlotte go on some partnered up seeing sight hike and rory's sprains his ankle in his attempt at trying to win...something.

later that night, charlotte and rory have a talk.

rory: im sorry about the hike. i rushed into it--

charlotte: like you do everything--

rory: what does that mean??

charlotte: you rush into everything--today, the south america trip, this wedding--

rory: you supported me doing that trip--u basically bullied me into doing it--

(she did no such thing)

rory: u dont like rachel. that's the problem.

charlotte: that is not true. i dont think u should be declaring that you're gonna spend the rest of your life with someone u dont even know.

rory: why are you telling me this now? my wedding is next week.

charlotte: exactly! i dont want you making some huge mistake! maybe you need more time to decide if this is something you really want--

rory: i do want this

charlotte: does she?

rory: what are you talking about?

and then charlotte spills about rachel's runaway bride incident and shes like 'does that sound like someone who knows what she wants??'rory's like 'you went behind my back'. which is not true imo.

rory: i would have thought you had more faith in me, as my best friend.

charlotte: your best friend? you barely contacted me while you were away.

rory: i contacted you. i wrote to you. i told you i had feelings for you. that i had feelings for you for years. you ignored it.

charlotte: i never got the post card. not until recently.

rory:

charlotte: it's too late now anyway

rory, grasping at straws: i mean...do u feel the same??

charlotte: it doesnt matter now does it?

rory, still grasping at straws: doesn't it??

and then charlotte says what i think is the best line in this whole movie---

charlotte: no because you left the fate of our relationship to the postal service!

(i just want to say that it is no way the post office's fault. that fan mail bag was in her office long before that. so the USPS delivered. she just just never bothered to read her fanmail. USPS is a great service and we should continue to support it. thank you. )

rory, seeing that he's not gonna his shot with charlotte: so why are you bringing this up to me now? we had all of our 20's for you to tell me how you felt. now im engaged and im happy and you want to dredge all this up---

( he's the one who brought up the postcard!!! he also could have said something in his 20's!!!! )

Charlotte: all of this has been really hard for me

rory: so what do u want me to do? not get married? have you and i try and figure out whats going on?

(that's literally what he wants. he's still hanging on for hope)

charlotte: I can't tell you what to do.

rory: you know what? this is so selfish of you. i cant believe that you chose this moment to do this.

charlotte's face rn:

girl ur being gaslight !! get out!!!

rory: i would have expected a lot more fm my best friend. i think u should leave and i think its best you dont come to the wedding.

he's literally the worst. he didn't get his declaration of love and he's like 'okay get out. ur uninvited to the wedding i made you help me plan'

anyway shes back to moping when really she should have booked a flight out of miami to get away fm him.

she gets flowers and she thinks its fm him--

WRONG! its her agent telling her to get her ass up and get to work!!

and she's really happy about it. she's like 'i love work. work is never gonna uninvite me to its wedding or gaslight me or make me plan a wedding'.

then rory and rachel have a pizza dinner night before their wedding and they realize they dont dont know anything about each other and when rachel tells him to ask her anything, he has nothing to ask her.

yeah because he doesnt care about you rachel. ur were a charlotte replacement. wake up.

also this card is fm target. i know bc i have this same stack in my drawer.

its the wedding day and rachel's missing (the escalade broke down) and rory's panicking but he makes his brother call her. this man is useless. he has everyone else doing thing for him. can someone kill him?

so charlotte sees rachel running through the park and she's like 'i'll help u get to wedding on this scooter and i promise it wont look gay'

that promise was broken.

so rory and rachel make it down the aisle and they almost do get married until rory has his flashback thinking about charlotte and then at the same time rory and rachel stop the wedding. but instead of rory being a man and being the one to say 'i cant marry you bc i love someone else' --rachel is the one to stop it and take the blame. she runs out and gets charlotte.

rory tries to apologize for being a dick but charlotte doenst let him and then takes more blame.

you think theyre gonna get married but luckily that doesnt happen.

rory: you know i think you'd make a better wife than best woman

(so he's still trying to trap her)

charlotte: for now why dont we get a slice and watch some figure skating?

rory: i like that.

yeah, those are things HE likes to do. we dont really know what SHE likes to do.

and then they kiss--

i know i said at the beginning that this was an amazing movie and if you've read this far, you're like 'this wasn't amazing'.

i said it was amazing, i didnt say it was good. it was just incredibly messy and i think rory should die.

3\5 stars for being incredibly messy.

[sumikatt]

frankly, i think your point about "some people train their own AI art models" is inherently flawed because rhe vast majority of people are not training their own model. they are paying for a service which was trained on art that was taken from the internet and used without permission in order for a machine to try snd recreate something similar bit by bit. i havent gotten a commission from someone who isnt a friend of mine in well over a year because people are just choosing to generate art with AI. i dont think AI art isnt "real" art because yeah, i agree with you, the whole idea of real art or not is complex. however, it is an undeniable reality that AI is trained on the work of artists all over the world who do not even get asked for permission before a tech company makes money off of their hard work.

I agree it’s a small, small portion of people making their own models that ensure that all art involved is used with consent. Many people buy a subscription or credits to generate what they want. Most people probably use free credits on Discord to make a meme or anime girls. Many people use it many different ways, yes.

I’m sorry you’ve lost a client over it. I know commissions are hard. Freelancers without dedicated clients would be the ones to suffer most from the popularity of AI art. I can’t say I’ve felt the impact myself, since it’s also very popular to be anti-AI.

Actively searching through job boards, I also feel like it has barely affected those listings. Maybe one of like 300 art jobs in the USA/Sweden asked for AI experience (Prompt Artist), and it was an AI startup. The “normal” art jobs like UI/UX, Environments, Materials, Concept, Technical, Animator, etc all still asking for 3 years experience for entry level lmao. Saw an intern position that required an “industry-standard” portfolio. So still a pain as it was before advanced AI gen.

Many paid AI art services have takedown options for their training sets and can block names from being prompted. If you were a popular enough artist to be in a training set, you can remove it and block the majority of AI art users from copying you—like you said, a majority of people use these services instead of self-hosting.

(Sending DMCA takedown requests are actually pretty easy. I had to send one to an old teacher who reposted my art and a bunch of classmates’ art on her ArtStation. that was funny lol)

I’m not sure how I felt when I went to search up my art on haveibeentrained. Because I’m a nerd, I’d preemptively blocked scrapers on my portfolio, so nothing was there when I looked. Searched up my legal name, my old Twitter (which had some popular pieces), my old DeviantArt usernames. Nothing there, either. I was probably pruned from the set for being low-quality. Kinda funny, I thought I’d be good enough to include at least once. Maybe next time.

.safetensors / .ckpt files (which are the models Stable Diffusion runs) have no image data in them, by the way. It is all math and numbers in there. There is no way of telling what was included in the training set, unless the dev(s) that made the model release it publicly. The models themselves are usually around 3–6 GB, though there’s larger ones and mini ones.

Like my own silly brain, there’s no way of tracking down the exact art pieces the software was referencing off of when it generates something. Am I making money off of another artist’s hard work when I remember how to draw heads from a Proko video? Am I ripping off photographers when I recall their pictures when drawing my characters? I’m not a tech company, but I still make money off of the things I copy and filter through my mind and hand.

I’m rambling at this point, sorry. Of course, the core issue is capitalism. How different would people see this medium if money were not an issue? How futuristic, how exciting it is to visualize something from words alone. It’s that art machine I’d always wanted as a kid, where I think of something and it pops out on the page finished.

I think it is worth to uplift those who use the medium as ethically as they can, as @are-we-art-yet is doing—having a do-not-use artist list, avoiding corporations, don’t try to undercut traditional artists. Like with any medium, there’s a variety of artists. Some are nice and do their best to have a good impact, some don’t care at all about the ethics of their art.

I’m still pretty firmly a “traditional” artist. I won’t stop drawing or give up because of AI. I play with AI on my own hardware and power for fun and for getting ideas (is that stealing?). It’s mostly replaced scrolling through Pinterest for me, but I still save people’s art and photos that I like in my computer, so I can look at em later, maybe get inspired. And steal like an artist, I guess.

[naomitours]

Tromsø, Norway: The North Above the North

I am not a "cold-weather" person, both in personality and in personal inclination. So you might wonder why someone like me would go to Norway in December. And if you asked me this after I actually got there, it would've been a damn good question! But I had a single reason, and a good one:

That's right, I went to see the northern lights. The green lady. "A-AURORA BOREALIS??", in the words of Superintendent Chalmers. People much smarter than me say this is caused by the sun's upper atmosphere emanating a solar wind that reaches *our* upper atmosphere. While not the most consistent place in the world to see it, Tromsø is one of the easiest and largest to try your luck.

Disclaimers from the Top of the World

The first thing you should know about Tromsø is that the sun doesn't come up for most of winter. You'll have light for a few hours, sure, but it's not the same. The meaning of darkness is different when it's ever-present, and those brief few hours of light mean everything. I found myself wanting to shed my coat and soak the light in through every pore of my body.¹ Depression is a real problem here, so is alcoholism. (I was even told by a local that they track alcohol purchases via card, to make sure nobody is drinking too much in the dark months!)²

The "sunset" over the Tromsø harbor, 1:35 PM.

The second thing you should know is that you need traction on your footwear. Pack your snow boots, or buy some shoe spikes because otherwise you'll be spending a good chunk of your time here on the ground, cursing the ice. My dumb-ass had decided to come to Norway on a whim, without thinking or preparing, so I showed up in my Doc Martens slipping and sliding. I almost couldn't make it to my Airbnb, my host having to come down and help me up the hills!! Thankfully I was able to borrow boots from my, again, incredibly lovely host³, but my god you've never appreciated gravel so much!

The Tromsø Troll Museum

That's right, the main attraction in the city, the reason you flew hundreds, perhaps even thousands of miles! This tiny museum with a bunch of trolls scattered all around!

It's a cozy space, and if you're as fascinated as mythology as I am, it's really a must-see if you're in town. Also, there's a replica of a hulder. According to local lore, these were beautiful women who would often try to lure men away from their human homes, to live in otherworldly pleasure with them⁴, or they would marry human men and join our world, retaining their otherworldly strength⁵!

Aurora Borealis

The biggest disclaimer I'd offer for the northern lights is this, you are never guaranteed to see them, even if you do everything "right". This was such a huge source of anxiety for me until I finally had a good sighting, then I was able to relax. I recommend doing some guided tours, these are not necessary (I saw them once right outside my Airbnb!) but it's going to maximize your chances by getting you away from the city's light pollution. There's many different modes of transportation for this, I myself took a bus and a boat, but I saw advertisements for planes, helicopters and even dog sleds*. The first time I ever witnessed the northern lights was on a sleepy little boat tour, New Year's Eve 2023.⁶

The interior was very cozy, more importantly it was warm, essential on a night with subzero wind chill. I enjoyed cookies and coffee and hot chocolate with marshmallows!

The lights don't look like the pictures, that should be stressed. The vast majority of aurora borealis photos are taken via long-exposure, and our eyes just don't work the same way. But on a good night you can see a faint green distortion in the sky, as if a riff into another dimension. It's like you expect an alien spaceship, or the giant hand of a monster to come ripping out of it, changing our world forever.⁷ But for the natives of Tromsø, it's just a day like any other.

View of the Aurora Borealis, from my Airbnb the next day.

I also recommend booking a few different tours, if you're like me and only really need to see it once, many will let you cancel on 24hrs notice if you pay extra. I recommend this as a good way to save money, but I'm kinda a cheapskate, so what do I know?

Also, please don't be discouraged if you don't see the lights on any given tour, you still do get some really beautiful photographs. It's important to keep a sense of relativity about you, you are standing at the top of the world, in the freezing cold. And in this moment you are having a novel human experience, regardless of whether or not you see some pretty lights on top of it.

What I Ate

Now, you might think the food is very bare-necessities in this sleepy arctic city, but you'd be surprised! One of the first things I had was something I had actually failed to find in Oslo, a delicious Norwegian donut called a skolebolle:

With a custard center and coconut flakes trimming the top, it's a deliciously sweet treat that I found in a Eurospar for the equivalent of a dollar. I recommend enjoying it with black coffee! Not pictured are the other things I got from the store, including paprika-flavored potato chips (highly recommended) and a large bar of Freia milk chocolate, which you'll not be disappointed by.

There's also an abundance of little convenience stores that will get you hot meals for relatively cheap (Northern Europe is expensive!) On the right you'll see a pepperoni calzone that was pretty good, along with a Norwegian soda that was less so. But if you're looking for a finer taste of Tromsø, stay with me:

This is a sampling I did of Aquavit, the signature liquor of Scandinavia. All of it was made right here in Tromsø, and I had a lovely guide for this tasting. To name a few, lingonberries and reindeer meat, not to mention a small slice of grapefruit.⁸ It's a little skimpy, however the point isn't to eat, but to taste!⁹

Conclusion/Takeaways

It can be a very scary thing, to be so far away from home. In all my years of travel, though that uncertainty has diminished, it never truly goes away. Maybe travel is just like any other experience, your tolerance to it builds until you only feel the original high when you get even further out of the world as you've known it. In this way, travel is much like a drug. But what moves me most about travel is its capacity to help us understand not just the planet we live on, but our own place within it. And if you ever feel lost for purpose, I might recommend standing on top of the world, hunting for otherworldly apparitions in the sky //

Footnotes:

¹ Of course, if you actually try to walk around in Tromsø without a coat, you will a)freeze to death and b)look stupid

² LITERALLY 1984

³ Of course, I had to return the boots when I left for the airport, meaning I fell not once, not twice, but THREE times trying to get down the hills to the bus stop. Seriously, you can't wear your Docs, no matter how fashionable and punk rock they are!

⁴ But why would you want to do that, when society is sooooooo good?? Like, who wants to live in a fantasy world where there is no suffering or want when we have Pizza Hut here, right now?

⁵ A hulder also features prominently on the cover of that one metal album by the murderous Nazi that your friend still listens to, despite knowing he's, you know, a MURDEROUS NAZI.

⁶ I would later go on to watch a man in lederhosen play The Weeknd, Cher, and at midnight ABBA's "Happy New Year", all on a keyboard. Dude was a one-man entertainment MACHINE, the vibe was immaculate.

⁷ As seen in Avengers 17: We Saved the World Again, in theaters this summer! Go watch it. Right now. The corporations demand it. DO IT. CONSUME.

⁸ Make sure your meds don't interact with grapefruit. Grapefruit may cause side effects including sour taste. Ask your doctor if grapefruit is right for you.

⁹ You know, like, a tasting menu or something!!

[yourbigendergremlet]

Here is a bunch of rambles ive vollected over a few months instead of posting them in seperate posts

Feeling dysphoric about my face not being masculine, putting my hair down because it makes me feel masculine, i hate hair in my face, all my headbands to hold my hair back have bows on it, rip off the bows, wear is like a sweatband

Manly ✨

Even if i was ever gonna come out to my family as bigender, they wouldn't just say it is terrible, they would just tell me that im making no sense because i am still female, a part of me is still that, but they just wouldn't get that a part of me is also male, they would just say it was a tomboy. If they continue to misgender me, they aren't exactly wrong because i am still female so calling me she/her is still not wrong so i cant get that angry about it

Feeling dysphoria? I just made a new album in my gallery and copied any images that made me feel like a guy into there and named it "i am a big strong beautiful manly man"

Felt like a guy today but went to church and was gonna sit in the mens side but then felt extremely uncomfortable so i went to the women's side but i also felt uncomfortable with myself there and aaaagh

Me making braclets with my pride flags but my family dont know that thy are pride flags because they dont know the bigender and genderfluid flags 😎

Complaining to my little brother about our mum not letting me buy men's clothes and freely shopping in the men's section with him because he has not yet been tainted by our parents and older sister's views and feeling amazing even though he still knows nothing about lgbt stuffs

Me thinking of a plan to ask my little brother what his views on the lgtvs are but descreetly so that if he doesnt like it he wont tell mother 0.0

Conversation switches to "lgbt people bad", me goes completely silent 0.0 me: "haha yeah thats weird..." when talked directly to desperately trying to switch topic while not outing myself

My sister wants to try new nail polish but already has some on so asks my little brother to do it on him, parents being like "nooo he's a boyyyy" and my sister being like "yeah guys wear nail polish now tho but he still isnt gonna be able to be a girl" and me being there like "yeah, he can put on nail polish" and internally screaming that guys can be girls if they are aaaa

Hahaha internalised transphobia :D for a while there

Me: am i actually genderfluid or am i actually bigender? Am i faking it? Am i pretending to relate to genderfluid and ftm trans people? Am i only just female and male or am i non binary also a bit??? Am i duel weilding my genders or am i fluctuating between them right now i have no clue??????? Is that why im feeling like thisssss???

Me going out somewhere, analysing how guys walk and act differently to girls and taking mental notes

Walking two steps like how people say guys walk and feeling absolutely on top of the world before going back to normal

Hoping im being subtle in trying to lower my voice so my family dont question it (and horribly failing at being subtle why is lowering your voice a bit so hard??)

Tumblr recomending me a suspicious amount of transgender posts before i had started properly questioning my gender or even thought about it

If i was a AMAB, being bigender would be so much easier becuase it's easier to just wear a skirt or dress and look distinctly feminine and then wear other stuff and look distinctly masculine but as a AFAB when you wear male clothes you still look female but who just bought something from the male section instead of looking like a guy

My mum speaking arabic and using the masculine versions of words for me as a joke but me internally pretending that she is using my correct pronouns 🥲

Me considering getting the school trousers so i can wear that sometimes instead of my skirt but also its my last year and no point spending money on uncomfortable trousers ill never wear again if its only for one year

So in church, women wear something called an isharba which is a headscarf meant to cover your hair to be modest.

Ive noticed that on days where im feeling like a girl, i can wear the isharba theoughout the mass but on days where im feeling like a guy i feel very uncomfortable wearing it and dont usually wear it in the mass. On some days i can wear it on and off throughout as well. It's intresting how my gender also effects something like wearing a head scarf, but i guess it can also be kinda like skirts in that sense? It was also a very subconcious feeling and even when i wasnt aware of what gender i was that day i would sometimes feel uncomfortable

Some days i feel more comfortable with the label bigender, and sometime im more comfortable with the label genderfluid and it's weird

Today im feeling more masculine, but also not fully so im more between he/they. But also there is a small twinge of feminine but only a small amount.

So i dont really feel like he/him, but i dont like they/them for myself, but then also im not he/she because there isnt a lot of she in me but im not he/him because i dont feel fully like a guy.

Im not none of them because i am all of them but to varying degrees to the extent where im not comfortable with any of the pronouns no matter how they are balanced. Idk? Are people just not meant to refer to me when i feel like this????

A very specific feeling i want to experience is wearing a dress while looking like a boy, i really want to have the feeling of being a cis boy wearing a dress so much

I didn't realise how important having facial and body hair was to me until my mum and sister kept saying that i should shave it. I really really love my body and facial hair and i really want even a small beard but my mum and sister made me shave my tiny moustache hairs and unibrow for christmas and tried to get me to shave my leg and arm hair and i feel super dysphoric without it being there anymore

That moment of delusion where i pretend to myself that the soft fabricy present my sister got for me was a binder and fantasise about it but its just a jumper in reality

My sister was talking about starfield and how stupid it was that you could put pronouns "why not just have it male and female lol" and i tried to laugh along but really just could not make it sound energetic and i felt kinda sick

Ive recently had the epithany that as a bigenderfluid person i am still allowed to be a femboy or a tomboy and that being feminine doesnt necessarily make me a girl that day and i am still a guy and-

[winderlylandchime]

I feel like I have to keep you updated for these last few days and 70% of that is because I unfortunately made you all aware of my brothers existence and the other 30% is because he bullies me into telling stuff to his new ‘homies’. But also soooo much happened that i immediately thought to myself ‘i know a few people that would like to hear all this’ and my brother shared the same thought. So I apologize in advance for any spam that will happen in the next few days but I will also try my best to put it all into one message.

So first of all: MY BROTHER IS OFFICIALLY CLEARED UP TO GO HOME!! His tests all came back amazing so he is officially going back home on Sunday. Ngl the feeling is bittersweet because who is going to wake up half of the neighborhood with Sandstorm now and get stuck trying to climb a fence and force 50-60 year olds into watching qaf with him? And he’s taking the cat with him as well. Rude.

Anyway! I wish you guys could’ve seen him go into his lasy check up, he brought chocolates for everyone and got them each a card with personalized messages to say thanks for taking care of him. He was all happy and sweet, it was like a kid on Christmas. And then towards the end of the check up, one of the nurses was like ‘hey (his name), we actually wanted to give you a little something, to remember us by and also as a goodbye since you’re going home’ and they gave him a gift and guys, this shit was so freaking cute! They first got him some snacks he loves (he always came to the check ups with snacks and was offering them to all of the staff), but they also got him a penguin plushie (context: when he first came for the surgery, they told him to bring his pajamas from home since he will stay for a few days and he rolled up with two different penguin pajamas cause it’s his favorite animal..again this man is a grown 36 year old) And the plushie has the exact same scar on his chest/stomach as my brother does from his accident. And the surgeon goes ‘i made sure that they were identical, that way you’re no longer one of a kind’ because after the surgery when they showed him how it looked he was all high on meds and went ‘not gonna lie, this looks badass but fuck now i really am one of a kind and all alone.’ So the surgeon sewed the plushie to make it look the same. It was actually adorable as fuck! And my brother was all teary eyed about it. And then!!! the nurse goes ‘there’s one more thing inside and you have to check it now.’ And she explained that the nurse who knew about qaf (from when he ripped his stitches) is also a big part of this last gift. And it was a card and on the front it said ‘you’re cool but we really hope to never see you again’ (its kinda like a thing they say there bc it’s trauma department or whatever). Also sidenote: Did you guys know there’s a greeting/birthday card you can buy online that allows you to record a message and design the cover? So when you open it, it starts saying the message or whatever? Me neither. But apparently the nurses knew about it. So he opens the fucking card and Lover’s spit starts playing and all that is inside is a picture of Britin from the end of 3x14 where everyone is celebrating and they hug (Brian is like hugging Justin but he’s looking over him somewhere). And they go ‘you talked so much about that episode we figured it was fitting.’ And then they explained that the nurse who knew about the show helped them find the photos and everything and even fought them to make sure Lover’s spit is used since originally they wanted to put Cue The Pulse. And that nurse eventually won the “fight” because they remembered that my brother went on a whole speech when he watched 3x08 about the reunion scene. And my brother on the verge of tears goes ‘thank fuck cause this is way fucking cooler. No offense’ And that’s literally all there is in the card (well and all their signatures on the opposite side from the photo).

And then after the check up as we are leaving, the surgeon goes ‘well I think I can honestly say, that i will never ever have a patient like you ever again’ and my brother obviously took that as a compliment and went ‘well duuh, every other patient is boring compared to me’ and guys!!!! We were leaving, my brother is almost out the door, I’m already outside the office and the fucking surgeon goes ‘oh (his name), by the way, you were right. That proposal was ridiculous and the finale really did suck. In fact if it was up to me? I’d erase the entire last season.‘ and he’s like smirking at my brother and my brother (and me too ngl) is SHOCKED! And he starts stuttering and goes ‘you..you knew the show this whole time?’ And the doctor goes ‘don’t be ridiculous. I didn’t even know it existed but after your 3rd spiral over it, I had to check it out to see what the big deal was about it’ and then my brother was like ‘why didnt you say anything? We could’ve been buddies over it this whole time’ and the doctor walked up to the door and goes ‘Exactly’ and then he just slowly closed the door while waving to my brother and my brother was just standing outside the door not moving for so long, i had to drag him away. And he walked past the nurse and goes ‘he watched it!’ And the nurse goes ‘oh yeah, he came in one day and was like “you know that show (his name) is always talking about? Well my wife and i watched it and holy shit’

The whole car ride home, we were both in absolute shock. Him more but that’s because only one of us was giving full speeches and rundowns about episodes to the doctor. And as for the card? You know that scene in Easy A, where she keeps opening and closing the birthday card to hear the song? That’s what half of my Wednesday looked like.

Dear sweet anon and brother anon! I am so happy he’s cleared and discharged. That makes me so happy!

I am beyond surprised that the doctors and nurses all got him presents. Admittedly, any surgeries I’ve had have been done outpatient except for when I was 8 and 13, and with follow up only with my doctor so I don’t know what is common these days. But their presents! Those weren’t generic, we give these to all the patients, gifts. The penguin! With the matching scar! The card with the photo and Lover’s Spit! I’m dying.

And. The. Surgeon. Watched. Qaf. Like all 5 seasons. I am deceased. Ofc he didn’t tell your brother until the end. (Your poor brother has all these people doing things behind his back while he’s watching this show. He’s going to develop trust issues.) But he has all correct opinions.

Wait. As I’m typing this I realized. A trauma surgeon (if I understand correctly) watched prom and 201. He must have opinions about Justin’s injury and recovery. Wait. I have some questions. How comfortable does your brother feel calling up the surgeon and saying “so I’m tumblr famous and this rando girl who is equally obsessed with QAF wants to know what you think the long term effects of the bashing would be on Justin.”

I am just as shocked as both of you about this turn of events. What a way to start my Thursday.

[cellsshapedlikestars]

I love all of your fics and like the general vibe of them. I can't really like articulate the vibe, but mainly I'm thinking of Mongrel Heart, Help Me Out of the Shape I'm In, The Night We Met, and Is There a Ghost. I love these so much. Weird question, but do you have any book recommendations that are like these fics? I don't know if you've read anything that sort of inspired how you write, but if so, I would love to know them!

I just had so much fun going downstairs and combing through my bookcases, thank you anon

I feel like I'm more inspired by music than I am books, and I'll be honest, as I get older, I read less and less (alas). But when I was younger, all I did was read. Nancy Drew & any fantasy book I could get my hands on as a kid. Then I went through my pretentious phase while working at Barnes & Noble, where I would pick out the most obscure looking fiction books while I scanned the section (this was also my nonfiction phase). Then I got really into mysteries. Now I barely have any attention span and mostly read romance, but otherwise I'm always on the lookout for semi-fantasy/fairytale/creepy vibes sort of things. (If anyone has recommendations for me, I'd gladly take them. Especially creepy novellas. Adore those, as you could probably tell from my list)

Under the cut for actual recs because as usual I cannot shut up:

1. This one is the most direct answer, the semi inspiration for Mongrel Heart - cop goes back to hometown, starts remembering Thing In the Woods.

I love Tana French in general. If I had to pick one author I feel like I took the most inspiration from, it would be her. This one I remember not loving the ending of, but clearly the vibes & general plot stuck with me. I'd actually recommend The Likeness (which I've also thought about jonsa-ing) and The Secret Place.

2. Do I normally vibe with Stephen King? Eh. I only tried to read one of his horror books once, The Shining, and I just could not get into it. But pulp Stephen King?? Yes please. I really dug this mystery, as well as The Colorado Kid a whole lot.

I have read a ton more mystery series, but these stuck with me the most. Shoutout to the foreign mysteries I read back when I liked to torture myself with really depressing things (sjowall & wahloo, indridason, mankell...)

3. If you're just looking for some creepy-vibes books:

(Of note, World More Full of Weeping & Light Boxes I read at least a decade ago in my B&N "buy any weird looking pretentious book" phase, but I remember really liking them, especially World More Full of Weeping. Carnality I read recently. I both hated it and couldn't stop thinking about it.)

4. Fairytail-esque but also with creepy vibes:

(I remember really liking Bear and the Nightingale, have thought of jonsa-ing it, but I'd need to reread it. RIP to my copy of Comfort Me with Apples, I think my friend borrowed it?)

5. Non-fiction that gave me those good good vibes

AND BECAUSE I CANT DO MORE THAN TEN IMAGES HERE ON TUMBLR DOT COM

Not pictured non-fiction:

The Monster of Florence - Douglas Preston & Mario Spezi

Just Kids - Patti Smith (although I did read this when I was deathly ill so that might account for the surreal vibes I got reading it?)

[hot-take-tournament]

Klapollo isn't for everyone obviously so I won't say that it is, but they actually foil each other really well and I think that's where the shipping aspect comes in. Apollo wears his heart on his sleeve and is super distrusting of pretty much everyone. Klavier hides his true thoughts and feelings away to be the person he thinks others wants to see and throws himself into trusting people, he wants it so desperately. The people closest to Apollo trust him while the people closest to Klavier don't. They're both grieving so many things, running from and fighting them. They have the potential to help each other in a way that no other characters presented can (in aa4 imo. Not out here saying you couldn't possibly ship them with anyone else, I'm a multishipper myself lol). Some people might be looking for wrightworth, but tbh this ship is the opposite of them. I totally understand not liking the ship, it's hard to be as compelling as wrightworth when capcom decided to do ALL THAT to Apollo rip my guy, hope you can reconcile your 8 backstories, and then do absolutely NOTHING with Kalvier rip my guy, hope you're doing something somewhere and didn't like join Clay offscreen or something. Probably moved to Borginia with Apollo's mom /j I could say more but idk the character limit on an ask and you don't want my essay in your ask box.

TLDR; It's not for everyone but it's not baseless.

(so... now that persona 3 is getting a remake, i can't stop thinking about this one time i was on my way home and i passed by this weird family-owned sweetshop i'd never seen before. so on impulse i decided to go in and buy something, and i ended up buying this huge novelty lemon sherbert, because i needed to study and i wanted something that would last a long time. so i get back home, sit on my bed and look for some calming study music to put on, and for whatever reason the first thing i think of is kimi no kioku from persona 3. at this point, i remembered i had the sherbert, so i put the song on loop, went to get it, and then got back onto the bed to eat it. and because i live alone and there was no one around to make fun of me, for fun i decided to eat it all sexy like cleopatra eating grapes (you know, when you lie back, tilt your head towards the ceiling, hold it above your head, and lower it into your mouth). but as i'm holding it over my head, the sherbert slipped out of my fingers, bounced off my tongue and went straight down the collar of my shirt. i immediately forgot where i was, panicked, awkwardly fished it out and just flung it straight into the back of my throat and accidentally swallowed it whole - at which point it immediately got lodged in my oesophagus and completely cut off my airway, and no matter what i did, i just couldn't get it out. so i stumbled out of bed and started frantically clawing at my throat as i tried to find the door, unable to breathe, unable to scream, until my vision began to darken around the edges and i couldn't see - and the next thing i know i'm lying on my back gasping for air, with a dumbell that i had left lying on the floor now lodged between my shoulder blades, and the massive sherbert fused to my eyelid. so what must've happened is i'd blacked out, toppled backward and fell on this dumbell in just the right way that it dislodged the sherbert and launched it out of my throat, sending it arcing through the air and landing it on my face. and ever since that day i've always wondered - what if i had just died there? if i had fallen very slightly differently and missed the dumbell, would i have died alone on that carpet, desperately begging for help that i knew would never come? and if i did, how long would it have been before someone even noticed i was gone, let alone care enough to come check on me? and what would've happened when they did? since i had the song playing on loop, and my laptop was plugged in, there's a chance that when they did finally find me, they'd find me lying on my back, eyes closed, with kimi no kioku playing on repeat in the background)

[klinefelterrible]

When I was a boy I had two favourite Disney movies on VHS and they were Robin Hood and the Beauty and the Beast. My mom used to call me a beast because she thought it would be nice to somehow make it relatable to me, I know parents do that all the time. I had a cousin who loved Barney Rubble so much he managed to wear that one T-shirt all the time and if his parents wanted him to wear literally anything else, he cried so hard he ripped his hair out. But anyway, my two favourite movies back then were this:

And this:

And even though I knew it was proper for me to be more like those guys (I had "Jungle book" too)

I couldn't help but feel that on the very inside I am (although back then there was no concept of transgender or gender and I was a very rational person and smart and I didn't like nonsense and saw through lies instantly), I should be and want to be more like them:

I mean fucking seriously how can one show a sensitive male child this story and expect him to fucking put themself into a fucking frame of Beast Who Was A Shit Person And Needed A Redemption when all he was feeling like A Young Cute Weirdo Who Liked To Read And Was Somehow Detained By This Asshole Monster Forever

And to this day I have this feeling like what the fuck why and for what were you fucking making me be this tough person when at the same time not fucking noticing I was hiding inside this fucking shell of big smoking drinking cursing distrusting person

I feel resentment for my childhood because of so many reasons I can't even start talking about it, everyone wanted to shape me into their fucking imagination that didn't fit me at all and sometimes all I want is to live in some Neverland where there are no bad people who fucking judge you and tell you how you should live your life without actually helping to actually subordinate. Like it was them only telling me what should I be and not how should I do this in order to fucking make them happy and those expectations were so surreal I can't believe it actually happened and I didn't go mad.

Anyway now I'm 36, I have a collection of high heels I never could buy because I was always somehow controlled by if not my mum with whom I live in a flat then by the cleaning lady my mother hired for "taking care" of me but it wasn't care, more like low profile control over me, she went through all my wardrobe and my shit, cleaning everything and changing places of my stuff so even though I had money I had no place to just be alone and store my heels and I knew the cleaning lady was talking about people with other people because she told me about others and how should I get any privacy in a flat where everyone fucking hears everything and my mom fucking entered my room anytime she wanted anf if I went on a short two step walk in my room, she'd hear it or the neighbours would and those people were nasty as fuck and all of them drunks so I didn't want any trouble or gossip, also my mom was a abstinent and since she recovered from drinking she had absolutely no idea how to take care of herself, her teeth were ruined for the better part of my life so she practically never smiled, her clothes were so off fashion it was fucking sad to see her on an official party or any type of family gathering and boy her shoes were a fucking disgrace. I never had a proper female model to look up to with my inner woman so I became a slob like she was and I don't blame her for being a workaholic as her mother was exactly the same. But there was I, with these things I'd like to do or be but everyone was looking at me, everyone watched me like a hawk (my family was and still sort of is sort of famous in my hometown) so I didn't feel safe to he myself for the bigger part of my life as it was never comfortable for me to just be me, and I have this feeling like since I have this dissonance of self, the one where I do look and feel like a man —a manly sort of man, tall with a beard, with all these erections and shit, especially after I was diagnosed with Klinefelter's and on testosterone injections therapy, basically making me this beast of a man now— and a girl —that was never able to be herself in fully, always hiding, always somehow bullied into being an inner part, always put into a box and into a box and a box inside a box, unable to become anything serious (because how exactly? when you're 1.90m and weight over 100kg you're not going to be a cute 1.60/50 girl, not now not ever) — and a third person, like a compromise between a man and a woman, a man with a woman inside, refusing to be a woman because of not willing to be a trans weirdo (as I saw myself in correlation back then and still sort of imagine myself like on and can't help it) with people suddenly made all these questions like why how and saying shit like you never were a girl or we never knew that shit and I just want to be spared of it, so I am now this testosterone dripping, horny all the time big guy who only wishes these things from my head to be over, I mean all those BE THIS and DO THAT and THAT GUY LIKES WHIPS HE'S CRAZY HIS STEPFATHER SAID HE'LL KICK HIM OUT and FAGGOTS ARE TO DIE and stuff like that and people still sort of are this way, not much because I live on my own now with my wife and that but all this shit still haunts me as i can't just stop remembering it and feeling that way and when people say "MAN UP" I ask myself how am I supposed to man up if I don't have any men to look up to, what am I supposed to do when I have no way to learn anything from those men i do know because they don't and won't have time for me plus I was in my hormones buzzing moment so all I wanted from anyone who wasn't related to me was a possible fuck so if there was a willing third party I would probably destroy every relationship between us with my drunken dicksucking advances or whatever.

So I didn't man up and didn't find a proper way of life because I was expected to go to the university and all I ever knew was some english and history and felt no interest in anything else and when I wanted to go to vocational school, they would fucking eat me alive: both my family, mother, grandmother (who hated each other in that particular passive-aggressive way and still do) and all those mean kids from vocational schools as there was a saying back then that if you want your kid to dig ditches, send him to vocational school, where people start a day with fighting, drugs and fucking 'you name it from some hell depiction'-thing. So I went to high school as expected, and then to university, as expected too. Of course my mom and grandma expected me to go to some other school, but I didn't want to so I didn't. They were disappointed. Then I chose the university they wouldn't choose for me and the major that also asked a lot of questions but I was somehow free and ready to become an alcoholic (whom I didn't because as I said before, I was a rational kid) but I felt their breath on my neck. BE THIS, DO THAT, YOUR COUSIN IS IN THE CAPITAL AND IS THE BEST, AS HE ALWAYS WAS, THAT DAUGHTER OF YOUR FATHER'S SECOND WIFE IS IN A COLLEGE LEARNING ENGLISH AND WENT TO AUSTRALIA WITH HER UNCLES AND WHAT ARE YOU NOW WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

So I live my life not meeting expectations as they were too high for me, I couldn't focus really and they didn't actually force me because I think they didn't care or feel like actually making me do stuff but they talked and talked and made me angry inside so much I still am angry at myself for not being as good as I could be and that makes me sad because I could have been relatively happy, living on my own, working somewhere and doing something if only my grandpas didn't die so early or there was a way for me to be not noticeable or recognizable everywhere and why the fuck all of this had to happen I am sick of it, of my life how it went and yeah there were nice moments but all of them were in this tar-like grief, this greyness of people's looking at me and fucking telling me how my father was like and what my mom a superstar she is and it all told me that I am nothing and I lived in a pause like I felt they're watching me every step i took and since my family had some money people were taking advantage of me and I understand the Jungle Law and the hate towards the rich from those poorer or not advantageous ones, especially on a big block of flat neighbourhood, yeah, so it was not a good place for me to develop my inner woman and making her my outer person because I would probably end badly with my throat cut or raped or whatever. And yeah it was always a fear of mine that I would be robbed or beaten or fucking threw into basement and shit on by some nasty people and all I ever felt was the fear of what would my mother do and will she fucking go back to drinking again and how will she always fucking never ever leave me alone, always being somewhere near I WOULD RATHER FUCKING DIE AND I MEAN IT

but yes, this is my rant and yes sometimes I just wish it all to be over all of the sudden, a meteorite bullseye's me in the head, 1/10000000000 situation and what you can do. My wife would end up with all my stuff, my money and my mess but she'd be alright, so would be my mom hopefully but you never know about her, but anyway not many people would remember me a year or two later. So fuck them.

I remember there were times that all I wanted to do was mention my mom's need to go to the dentist and she stopped talking to me for days. My grandma used to call me twice a day, relentlessly, neverending talks about people being satisfied with their life and successful and me hearing this everyday, plus of course HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE CHURCH and all that and... I don't feel like writing it anymore today

It needs to be mentioned that I hate myself almost everyday but rarely the current day, I mostly regret being alive the day before or some other day from my past and I really do hate me from the past, including me from last week or month.

[crimsonmonsoon]

I am considering dropping Miracle Box as a project.

I am very sorry to say that, especially since recently it’s been gaining more attention now that the first book is complete. And especially since I just posted the first chapter of the New York special, but I feel like maybe it is not the best idea to peruse such a project that gives nothing in reward.

I wish I had just wrapped up the story in the first fic but I hadn’t planned on it and purposely left loose ends to branch into the future fics following it. But I didn’t.

Now for those of you who care I figure I ought to explain why this is a thought going through my head:

Miracle Box was something I was passionate about but it was always fueled by anger for the show and as it went on it started feeling less like an mlb rewrite and more like a angry pit of violence and conflict and angst because I was just putting EVERYTHING into it. It is a hefty project that would have four books if you count the New York special, and even an additional fifth one if I did the Shang Hai one too. But I am not getting paid to write this. Book one on its own was 40k words longer than the book I wrote that I’m supposed to actually make money for.

Fanfiction for me has always been about practicing my writing skills before I put them into something real. But the style of writing I had to use for miracle box followed a storyline as if being told by a TV series, as that would fit it. I am fully capable of doing that, in fact, that’s what I’m majoring in. But as a book? It just looks sloppy. And what I mean by this is having scenes told by characters who aren’t the main characters, perspectives switching in the middle or abruptly after a scene, pacing focusing strictly on one or two characters who aren’t the main protagonists (in this case my Alya arc), having flashbacks told by no one simply to just show them for the reader, etc. That works for building comics and TV series and movies. Not for a book written the way I write. It feels like I’m ripping myself apart when I do that and that was for a majority of Miracle Box.

MLB as a show is just a mess. I can’t even get through season five it is painful to watch. I’m cringing at everything and the scenes people fantasize over are giving me second hand embarrassment for some reason. I don’t connect to the fandom that well and it’s so much easier for me to talk about literally anything else. My blog is centered on miraculous but in reality, mlb is like… one of my least favorite pieces of media, I can’t stand it, I don’t understand it. I would rather be able to have my blog focus on marvel or Atla or anime or literally anything BUT miraculous.

And lastly, this is more private but I feel like I need to share it to justify wanting to skimp out on this project, I’m dealing with a considerable amount of physical pain right now. I don’t want to explain what’s going on but just know that doing things like sitting up for over 30 minutes causes me way too much physical distress. I power through it all the time anyways but if I’m going to be writing I don’t want to waist my efforts on a fanfiction but rather finish editing my second book so I can get it published.

Basically I’m depressed :’)

I don’t know what to do with Miracke Box it kinda feels like I’m abandoning a child on the street. So to serve it Justice I might make a series of videos talking about how the story was going to go and the lore of all the things I created because there is still SO MUCH to unpack with it.

Anyways. This post was only for my followers but I doubt many people will find it who isn’t a follower anyways but if you are that stranger, what’s up, you should buy my book, Land of Armonia, on Amazon.

[bismuthburnsblue]

OK SO

technically this is currently two vaguely different ideas, and ill probably only make one in the foreseeable future bUT

waistcoat !!! or pinafore !!!!! (technically three options because im unsure if id go tailored waistcoat or an almost corset style one)

my goal in this project would be to fill in some gaps in my wardrobe, so im thinking black (obviously honestly, i only wear black) and quite plain, but maybe with some embroidery or cording or something, something subtle to add some texture and detail, but still fit in with any outfit i might make.

im split which way yet!

ive wanted to make a waistcoat for a while, but i guess im a little worried that i wouldnt wear it so much? i tend to dress very femme and very. like fluffy? flouncy? lace and flare and delicate fabrics and im not sure a waistcoat would fit into that? but i do really want to make one, i think itd be so fun! i think i would learn a lot of techniques even from a simple waistcoat, pockets & tailoring and buttons (for real this time) (OH i could use some of the buttons i rejected for the black coat) i plan to add boning to it either way, but i also this a corset style waistcoat could be real cool! not like the kind of things that come up when you look up corset waistcoat, but like, a lacing back and more structured pattern cutting? this one would require some development to see through but.... fun!!! i also have some scrap fabric (brown) from a skirt ive been wanting to turn into a waistcoat- it wouldnt work for this specific project but depending on which way you spin it, it could be a practice run at this project (already having coat 'wearable mockup' flashbacks) or it could be a downside, having two similar garments in my wardrobe

part of me feels like making a pinafore is kind of a cop out- its a far simpler project, and i have a preeetty similar project in the pipelines (though in a completely different aesthetic- heres the inspo for that one), and a lot of my other ideas are similar to a lolita jsk. but also i want jsk. i want to make some for myself some day sooo... i think id would probably get more wear out of a pinafore- but thats just in my head (i wouldnt have to match blacks). i probably wouldnt be learning much new with this one, but it would be a much quicker project! less likely to get stuck in the middle of it because i run out of motivation. i feel like i havent said much pro pinafore but wearability is Super important to me! i have a terrible habit of picking projects that are fun and interesting and then are not actually something i really wear. sometimes an easy project is really good- i like to try and learn things with every project but sometimes i back myself into a corner with things i dont know.

decisions!!!!! i cant make them :(

as i mentioned earlier, this isnt in the immediate pipeline- i still want to finish all my current projects first, i dont think i have any fabrics that'd work for these and im trying to not buying anything right now, and really i shouuuuld make things ive already planned + bought things for. but i think itd fill in some areas of my wardrobe so i might more it before some other things....

below the cut is some very initial inspo, i ripped it all from pinterest (thats basically how i start any sewing project plan fhdbdn)

if youre interested on the brain tangent it was: (start a little unclear but i was thinking about izzy) > izzys sleeves. me too i love a shirt with puffy sleeves > i could make IZZYS shirt (this one is still on the cards btw) > thinking about my wardrobe in general i guess > i own a lot of white puffy shirts but i dont wear them, i tend to wear black things > what might make me wear them short of dyeing them? i love these shirts but theyre too. white for me. maybe something i can wear over them > waistcoat.... i want a waistcoat.... ( i think its hilarious this tangent that started with izzy + ended with waistcoat never went near izzy's waistcoat )