#you have to understand that all social behaviour to him is conditioned

[cadisfly]

will is nb but pronouns don’t mean anything to him—like he recognizes them only as reference tools in the languages of thought and communication, literally any pronouns are fine with him because he doesn’t feel that any of these indicators in any way approach or infringe upon his own understanding of himself, he uses he/him in self-reference because it’s easy, it’s disguise, and he’s ambivalent, and pronouns are substitutable

people identifying him as a man and assigning to him the social elements and assumptions about growing up a man and occupying society as a man is.. well, primarily it’s convenient to him, because it gives him a solid framework to understand the person someone perceives him to be, something he can act either with or against, depending on how he wants to be viewed by them, sometimes it annoys him or does ‘bother’ him only because it’s an incorrect assumption and it implies other faulty assumptions, and others’ inability to analyze him correctly is expected but irritating to him

he uses he/him pronouns but he doesn’t think of himself as a man (or as a woman) and he does not identify with masculinity, he preforms it socially to an incomplete degree not necessarily because he likes it or dislikes it but because it is convenient, he gets no satisfaction from presentation in regards to how it is gendered only in how it serves him in the moment and how it makes him feel, there’s plenty about feminine presentation that he /also/ likes and exhibits, most of what you could call his 'good gender’ moments come from traditionally feminine-aligned roles and presentations, but most people fail to recognize these elements of him because they.. don’t really know him, and, again, he’s ambivalent about even considering these qualities to be feminine because to him they are just.. the qualities that as a person he possesses or enjoys or likes to occupy in whatever way he desires

[thelikesoffinn]

„Astarion ending as the Vampire Ascendant is the correct ending for him, because it is what he wants.”

That is a claim I’ve been seeing pop up more and more often these days. And I think it’s both a very bold and a very odd claim to make.

But first things first: Hello, I’m a licensed social worker! So far, I’ve worked with children, refugees and youths with behavioural issues stemming from bullying and or abuse.

Please be aware that I will be mentioning different kinds of abuse, coping mechanisms, and victim/abuser relationships. If any of this is difficult for you, don’t force yourself through it. My jabbering about a traumatised vampire is not worth your wellbeing, not ever.

I will, however try to stick to Astarion and not use other examples. If, in any case, I do use a non-Astarion example, I’ll add a warning beforehand so that you can skip the part. And I’ll make it clear what will be discussed in the next bit, so that you have a chance to skip it entirely.

This is an effort to make this as accessible as possible for everyone that wants to indulge on a mad woman’s rambling – and I know there’s a few people that like this sort of stuff!

And, uh, there's obviously spoilers for all three acts. Serious spoilers, even.

Before I can get into the whole ‘why Astarion didn’t really want to ascend,’ we need to understand him a little more. And to understand this pretty boy’s brain, we first need to understand the gist of what we’re talking about when we throw around the word ‘abuse.’

“Abuse” is when someone is treated with cruelty, violence, or neglect – often to bad effect – on a regular basis. Repetitively. Check’s out for Astarion, I’d say, but we all knew that already. I mean, if one thing was obvious, it was this.

1. Astarions Abuse

Next we need to look at what kind of abuse Astarion faced over his long years of torment, seeing as different types of abuse will have different effects on the victim.

Not that that is anything we have to worry about with him – Astarion won the abuse lottery, to put it bluntly. In a horrible game of fate, he got everything. He himself indirectly mentions all the types of abuse he faced, albeit never using the correct terms.

The first we properly notice – fitting, seeing as it is often the most obvious form of abuse – is the physical abuse. Astarions scars are probably the biggest tell Larian could shove down our throats, only underlined by Astarion’s tale about the night itself. About how Cazador ‘misspelled something’ every time he flinched or screamed and had to do ‘many corrections. On top of this, Cazador locked Astarion up for months on end and tortured him – or had him tortured – on a regular basis both as a rite and as a punishment.

Next up, we have the fact that Astarion was forced to basically prostitute himself repeatedly. This is what we call sexual exploitation.

“I spent two hundred years using my body to lure pretty things back for my Master.” – Act 2

Two hundred years is a long time, filled with great many people. Now, we don’t know how many of those people actually tapped into the sexual exploitation and how many he could just lure back with other means, but the fact that it happened a lot is undeniable.

Next we have a form of abuse that we often disregard in adults: Neglect. It sounds odd, I know, saying that a fully grown adult was neglected. They can care for themselves, can they not?

Well. Yes and no.

Adult neglect is proceeded by the condition that one adult has to lean on another adult to fulfil their needs for whatever reason. This could be anything, from disability to income-based issues.  

Seeing as Astarion had absolutely nothing, while Cazador had everything, we can assume this was the case. Cazador had the house, the money, the power. Astarion owns but one pair of clothes, assumedly, that he has fixes over and over again. Fair to say, that’s pretty neglectful. (And it’s one more reason to shower the guy in pretty armour and camp clothes. Go ham, people.)

Last we have the form of abuse we actually get to witness later in the game – emotional abuse.

Once again, it’s undeniable that this happened. Especially since we’re all seeing it in the flesh upon meeting Cazador in his crypt.

“Have you no respect for yourself?”

“I strove for perfection in all things. Even those as imperfect as you.”

“A pity you amounted to so little, despite my efforts.”

“A pathetic little boy who never amounted to anything.”

All Act 3, Crypt

Here we have just a few examples of things Cazador throws in his face. It’s like reading a textbook on emotional abuse, this one (and it’s definitely a reason to throw hands).

Blaming the victim, keeping their sense of self and their self-worth as tiny as possible to make them cower and flee. A true classic.

This pretty much shows that Astarion suffered all forms of abuse we commonly see and it is implied – once again by Astarion himself – that at least a few of those instances were ritualistic.

Now, what does that mean exactly? Well, I fear I need to use a real example here, so please skip the next paragraph.

Ritualistic doesn’t refer to a proper ritual – it can, but that’s mostly a thing for those in a cult. So, we’re not necessarily talking about a ‘Vampire Ascendent Ritual’. A husband, beating his wife every evening after his third bottle of beer is also called ritual abuse. It happens regularly. It is part of a routine. Both parties know what will happen.

I can’t find the exact quote, so I’m working of my memory here, but at one point he said that when Cazador invited him to eat and he said yes, he would be served a putrid rat. If he said no, he’d be beaten.

The way it was phrased made it clear that it happened more than once and that Astarion clearly knew what would happen. So, this can be classified as ritualistic abuse.

2. A Note on Conditioning and Compliance

By default, abuse victims are conditioned to behave a certain way or in a certain fashion. This is a natural response to avoid further abuse.

In Astarion, the thing we see most often is his inherent need to please. Not literally, he doesn’t mind being an arsehole. But he initially feels the need to follow Tav’s orders, even if they go against his own wishes.

This can be clearly seen in the conversation with Araj Oblodra. Astarion very clearly doesn’t want to bite her. He doesn’t. But he will do so, if Tav tells him to. This behaviour is not conscious – he doesn’t know why he does it, he just does – and it is to be expected. This is how he kept himself save for two centuries, so of course he will fall back into his usual pattern when the pressure is high.

This goes hand in hand with the fact that most abuse victims don’t fight. Maybe initially, but not after long term abuse. Especially not after two fucking centuries.

This is true in Astarion – offered by his ‘siblings’ during act 3 and unhappily acquiesced by the man himself. Astarion stopped fighting and, once again implied, cowered, and did as he was told in order to survive.

3. The Astarion we know and love

Obviously, all that abuse does have an impact on our vampire boyfriend. He shows various common signs of abuse and just like with the forms of abuse, Astarion raked every coping mechanism he could find. (Not really, but it feels like it.) It’s also important to note that nearly all of the following things happen inwardly. Astarion is not one of the victims, that tries to rationalise and minimise the actions of his abuser. Quite the opposite, actually.

I’ll note from the beginning, that rationalisation will not be covered in this bit, as most examples will be important later on. But he definitely does it.

One of his biggest skills is to hide every ounce of fear or hurt behind sarcasm and snarky theatrics. He doesn’t seem to hide his anger much, though, so that’s something! Our boy is cool with anger, not so much with being afraid.

“Ahahaha, now that you mention it….I might have done…that.” – Act 3, regarding the Gur children

“The thing that will decide my fate forever more? Yeees, it’s been on my miiiind. Why?” – Act 2, regarding the Ritual

And there’s many more instances that prove this. Honestly, half his dialogue is sarcasm, so it would really be too long to get into and we all know what I mean, right? We have alltalked to the guy before. It’s obvious that he’s sarcastic to a fault.

This goes hand in hand with his penchant for defensiveness. I would personally state that he’s simply not really good with guilt. When talking about fear, he usually just opts for sarcasm or avoids the topic completely, but guilt especially has his defences going up. This is also when he’s most likely to shove all the blame off to Cazador.

“Don’t look at me like that. Cazadors orders.” – Act 3, Crypt

“I just did what I had to!” – Act 3, Crypt

And don’t get me wrong, he does that anyway. And with good reason. Astarion didn’t have a choice for the most part, but he’s still easy to shove things off.

This kind of connects to his penchant for denial.

Astarion doesn’t really like to talk about most things. He firmly believes he is an ‘action’ sort of person that just does instead of plans, which invertedly just means he’s great at pushing the thinking stuff away. He also likes to get rid of stuff, so that he doesn’t need to face it ever again.

“I never want to see these little scraps of misery again. The world doesn’t need to know my shame.” – Act 3, about the children

And yes, this partly rings true. He’s probably ashamed and doesn’t want anyone to know what he’s done. But it’s also very clear that he himself simply doesn’t want to face his own actions, something that is just  underlined by his extreme willingness to red rid of the other spawn.

As mentioned by Astarion himself, he’s big on manipulation. I mean, I don’t think there is much explaining necessary. The guy is willing to do a whole lot in order to get what he desires – which mostly revolves around safety and survival, to be honest – and he’s not really shy about it either. And that’s despite the fact that he doesn’t really like intimacy – especially in form of sex.

It’s not a secret that Astarion is not big on sex and anything surrounding it. This goes far enough for people to consider him either ace or ace coded.

A claim that, personally, I’m not super in line with.

Now, it’s not entirely wrong and if this is your head cannon I’m surely not going to stand in your way – but on a larger spectrum, I think he’s more traumatised than ace. And while those go hand in hand sometimes, it’s a bit difficult for the ace community if you attach traumatised characters to them because it can fuel a whole lot of stigma that is honestly neither needed nor wanted. But I digress!

If it comes to his own behaviour, he’s great at minimising his mistakes. Honestly, he’s a master of minimisation. A very obvious and famous example would be:

“’Killed’ feels like a…strong word. Not many corpses have your vigour.” – Act 1, after killing Tav

Astarion. You literally sucked poor Tav dry and left them flopping around, cold, and dead. Killed is exactly the right word and we all know it.

“Quite the deviation from my usual routine. Capture, not lure. I didn’t bring them in with sweet rolls or anything.” – Act 3, Gur Children

This is another attempt at minimising what he did, if a bit less obvious because at this point there isn’t much he can say. But at least he didn’t sexualise the gur children, right? They’re still spawn but whoo, at least that didn’t happen.  

The next point would be dissociation, which is extremely common in abuse victims – of all forms of abuse.

Astarion himself mentioned certain moments that could be classified as dissociation over course of the story, which is probably the coping mechanism I personally expected the most.

The pale elf has a penchant for violence, but he’s not entirely shameless or abhorrently vile, which gets clearer the more the story progresses. So, two hundred years of forced prostitution, torture and doing whatever other horrible things? Yeah, I’d be more surprised if he didn’t dissociate.

Examples of that would be:

“A moment of disgust to push myself through and then I could’ve carried on, just like before.” – Act 2, after Araj

“I felt nothing the moment I handed them over.” – Act 3, Gur Children

“Did you enjoy it? It felt like you weren’t fully there.” – Act 1, Tav after Sex

The latter is generally more of an assumption than actual prove, but with context it does make sense.

The last common sign of abuse we find in our boyfriend would be his low self-worth. It’s a consistent trait that stays over the course of all three acts, noticeable in many different conversations.

We can see it in his reaction to wanting to break up before finishing his story. We can see it in his genuine surprise when Tav picks him over any of the other characters. We see it in his insecurity whenever Tav asks to sleep with another character. He’s fine with it, but he still worries their decision to sleep with someone else is based on something he did.

It eases up ever so slightly after Cazador is dead, but even then he’s still struggling which is once again perfectly illustrated if you try to break up with him.

“Oh shit. I- Did I do something wrong?”

That is the first thing he asks and I think it speaks for itself. He genuinely doesn’t believe he has much to offer and for Astarion, it’s likely that Astarion will always be the problem.

4. "Oh, I tried them all none of them answered.”

Another big thing that’s important to note, is that Astarion was never saved. No one came to save him from Cazador. There was no darling boy on a white steed riding into that castle to rescue him and princess carry him away. Not even the gods answered his desperate calls.

So, he never received any kindness or luck. To him, the world seems as cruel and horrid as before because he didn’t have the chance to experience goodness in two centuries.

But worse than that, he didn’t even get to save himself. Astarion didn’t stand up to Cazador, he didn’t run out of his own might.

He was beaten to near death and ‘saved’ by Cazador, who would become his abuser.

He tried to save someone and, in turn, was locked up and starved for an entire year.

He was abducted by mind flayers, i.e., saved from Cazador, only to end up tadpoled and on the cusp of getting a fancy, squiddy beard.

Anything that’s good, any kindness, any selfless action…it all came with a ginormous price tag.

5. Over the Course of the Story

Astarions behaviour changes a whole lot over the course of three acts – which is important once we talk about his quests climax – so let’s review what we’re working with!

Act 1 Astarion is guarded as fuck. The man has walls around him that are so high, even the gods can touch them.

A lot of his behaviour in act 1 revolves around staying save and staying liked. He lies, manipulates, and flutters his lashes in order to get what he wants and needs. Instead of asking, like Wyll, Karlach and Gale do, Astarion uses all he has to offer to get by. He is still very much in survival mode and tries to weasel his way through an unfamiliar situation with familiar methods.

On top of that, and most notably, he’s absolutely not fond of kindness or selflessness.

#I saved a child and now my boyfriend is mad

Here, we are most likely to gain disapproval for doing the decent thing – unless you sent him outside for a minute whenever you’re being a good person.

And I’d assume that this is because of two things.

First: The very traditional ‘Why not me?’

As I mentioned before, Astarion wasn’t saved. He hasn’t experienced kindness in a very long time so seeing that the world is literally filled with kind people is hurtful. Why didn’t anyone save him? Why was he left to his own devices for so long? Why should he care about others when it’s so clear that no one ever cared about him? No, dead to all of them. If he didn’t get it, neither will they.

“And what am I owed? What about the injustices I suffered? Am I not entitled to anything?” – Act 3, Crypt

“I was in the prime of my life when I was turned. Everything was taken from me too.” – Act 3, Crypt

And secondly is the fact that, as I mentioned, goodness always has a price. And it’s one most people won’t be willing to pay. That’s how his life has been, so why would theirs be different?

This is precisely why Astarion may disapprove of kind actions, but he mostly neither approves nor disapproves if Tav asks for payment. That’s just how the world works.

Once you venture out into act 2, after getting to know him a whole lot more, he starts to mellow a bit – if only towards Tav.

“He’s afraid, so afraid, of everyone but you, who she should fear the most.” – Sceleritas about Astarion

His approval is a lot easier to gain – or at least keep! – and he tends to approve of some more proper actions. He doesn’t throw a fit if you promise to find Mol, he approves of Tav being kind to His Majesty, of saving Aylin and he even approves of Durge apologising to Isobel after threatening to rip her to pieces.

He's slowly starting to open up, allowing Tav to see some parts of him he previously kept hidden. He accepts their offer to help, if hesitantly and, by god, the man starts experimenting with boundaries.

The social worker in me is shedding tears at this. It’s my favourite thing to see in my clients and it’s no different here. Yay to saying no!

Of course, it’s still a bit hit or miss. If Tav urges him to bite Araj, for example, he will only to later notice that he didn’t fucking have to. He recognises this on his own and he calls Tav out on it. Just like he calls them out on not helping him with his Orthon quest.

Good job, chap. Good fucking job.

And the growth-train won’t stop going even as we reach act 3.

In act 3, there’s not many things he disapproves as of right now – those he does, mostly have to do with how Tav treats him and not with anyone else. In fact, he’s more likely to approve good behaviour now, like giving Yenna food or money.

And yes, we need to consider that this could simply be because he gets used to Tav’s behaviour and just learns to roll with it. But it’s also highly likely that he notices that there’s truly good people around. At least one person. And that person is not only good, no, they’re in the process of helping him break free once and for all.

They’re helping him save himself.

By act 3, he has learned that he can absolutely say his piece where Tav is concerned and he’s more likely to disagree with them on certain things. It’s seen during a lot of small dialogue that he’s no longer terribly afraid to be honest with them, willing to listen and talk and he’ll ask for help if he needs it.

“I can do this. But I need your help.” – Act 3, Crypt

Something that can be viewed both positively and negatively is that he’s definitely loyal to a fault. He will stick by Tav’s side, no matter what.

“I really hoped we could avoid being pawns for a dark god, but here we are, I suppose. I’m with you, my dear, wherever this might lead.” – Act 3, After Jaheira confronts durge

As I said, this can be both positive and negative. On one count, it’s a recipe for disaster, seeing as he could be waltzing into a really bad situation for Tav alone.

But on the other side…this is a man who only cared about himself because that is the only person he could afford to care about. He needed to survive. He now has enough room to breathe and the capacity to care for someone else and I’d be inclined to count that as a good thing.

6. The Crypt

All the progress he made in act 2 and 3 is nearly tossed into the wind as soon as the crew enters Cazadors castle.

It’s not an immediate thing, of course.

At first, Astarion tries to stay light and simple and he hides behind flippant tones and relaxed faces. The way he recounts this is almost comically disinterested and the façade is actually quite good.

It’s start’s cracking after we meet Godie, one of the people who tortured him on more than one account, but he mostly manages to remain as upbeat as one can honestly expect for the first half of the journey.

All that, however, is done for the very moment we meet Sebastian. His mask not only slips, no, it full on shatters and there’s none of his apparent lightness left.

Which, of course it does.

The man is suddenly faced with years and years and years of victims. Innocent, unlucky people he lured back to his master over two centuries. People he liked, people he pitied.

“It’s sickening, seeing them again.”

It’s basically a room filled with guilt, exclusively for Astarion. And, as we mentioned before…Astarion is not great with guilt.

The guilt, however, is not where it ends.

No, he’s also faced with reflections of his own past. The spawn pose as reminders of what he did, sure, but also as reminders of what he was.

Weak, desperate, hungry.

There’s an abundance of images of his worst moments, reflected back at him in the thousands. It’s probably like staring into a funhouse mirror, but instead of seeing yourself in a funky way he just sees everything he so desperately doesn’t want to be.

“It should be [who I am]! I don’t want to be like them. They’re pathetic, horrible…”

He’s forcefully made aware of how darn weak he can be, which claws at all the wounds he’s barely had time to close. Something, he of course won’t admit if asked.

“THEY DO NOT [remind me of myself]. That weakness in me is dead, IT’S DEAD. I have a higher purpose.”

The high pressure of the moment brings out all of his act 1 traits in but a few moments. You can pretty much watch how he starts to shut down mid conversation, one of his old walls snapping back into place to remove himself from the situation.

Thing is though, walls usually become a bit brittle after disuse. Especially when talking to a person you don’t usually want to wall out.

Or, in his case, when talking to Tav.

After meeting Sebastian, Astarion shows extreme reactions to Tav nudging any of his weak spots. His reaction varies on whatever choice you make, but it ranges from aggression to defensiveness, to denial and even to downright begging Tav.

“Don’t hate me. I just did what I had to. I swear I did what I had to.”

This probably the most shocking out of all of them, since that is not something we got to witness before. The begging is likely a mixture of intense fear of losing Tav, his low self-esteem and pre-Tav behaviour, since we can assume that Cazador made him beg more than once.

Another old coat he puts back on would also be the least surprising of them all.

Manipulation.

He falls right back into it, using Tav’s affection to get what he want if we trigger the right action.

“If they die and I ascend, I won't have to rely on the parasite to walk in the sun. I'll be free. Truly completely free. Isn't that what you want?”

This, to me, was probably the biggest tell that Astarion was back in survival mode. He’s panicking, for fucks sake, and who can blame the guy? He’s back. He’s about to face down his abuser.

Of course he’s fucking panicking.

Panic leads to an increased craving for safety and, in his case, power. This is why he clings to Tav, why he begs them to love him still. And this is why he jumps head first into the rationalisation pool.

“I will need to sacrifice them all if I want to perform the ritual. - [You can save them.] – What’s the point? They're as good as dead! I thought they were dead. If they are unleashed, they will cause incredible carnage. […] They must die. Better they serve a purpose.”

Another textbook example.

They must die anyway. They’re basically dead. No need to save them now. They’re dangerous, I’m doing the right thing by sacrificing them. I already thought they were dead, so it’s not changing anything for me. They’re a lost cause and I deserve  all this power. I deserve it, because I suffered and nothing will change if they die.

So, seeing as we already spoke about his usual behaviour in act 3 – behaviour he showed after we allowed him to breathe and be himself for a while – I think we can fairly easily conclude he’s not thinking straight.

Astarion is right back in survival mode, where all that matters is he himself. If it weren’t for the seven thousand spawns, he might have moved through this more gracefully, but seeing those tipped the scales and Astarion is absolutely losing it.

Remember that for the last section, per favore.

7. The Ascension

“Astarion wants to ascend and Tav manipulates him into doing what they want.”

That is basically the essence of what people often claim and I can’t help but shake my head at such a blatant disregard of everything he has become. This is completely ignoring the change and growth he has gone through over the course of their journey.

Astarion wants to be free. He wants to be safe. That does not mean he wants to ascend.

And the claim that Tav manipulates him into doing anything is even more baffling. We are all aware that Tav is not manipulative by nature, yes? That is entirely on you. You decide who your Tav is.

And then let’s remember: Astarion is panicked. He’s afraid and he’s not thinking straight. His abuser is on his knees before him and he still feels so weak. And there’s seven thousand spawns that need handling.

Astarion is very much not okay right now.

In fact, reading his thoughts just proves this theory.

“You can see the fear in his eyes but also the hunger. The thick smell of blood in the air and the promise of power being so close is intoxicating to him. All he can see is the power of the ritual and the freedom that power brings. The freedom to do anything. To be anything.”

Tav, however, has none of those problems. They can actually see beyond the current situation and they are fully aware what the consequences are. Astarion is not. As we previously established, Astarion is a doer. Not a thinker. He didn’t think this through, not at all.

The only thing Tav is doing – the persuasion roll – is reminding him of the very real consequences he is facing. The consequences he hasn’t thought about before.

"I know you think this will set you free, but it won't. This power will trap you, just like it trapped Cazador."

And that is the kindest thing Tav could do in this situation. They’re not bodily dragging him away from Cazador. They’re not even telling him to not do it. They’re just offering him the truth. He can do with that information whatever he desires.

“Astarion cries when he doesn’t ascend, that just shows that it was the wrong choice.”

A hare-brained point that I thankfully have only seen once so far.

That crying? That is healthy crying.

That is him, crumbling under the stress that suddenly dissipates. That is him mourning two hundred years of torment. That’s him letting out feelings he hasn’t been able to for centuries.

And, for the love of god, try to put yourself in his shoes.

Two hundred years of torment, ended in but a moment.

Astarion was abused and tortured for so long, afraid for so long only to see his tormentor die just like that.

Cazador died within a moment and all Astarion needed was a darn blade. Of course he fucking cries.

Seeing how pathetic a being the very core of your life’s misery actually is hurts. It hurts like hell because not only are you finally free – free! – no, you’re faced with the fact that this pile of nothing, the thing that’s bleeding out right in front of you…this was what tortured for so long.

This thing hurt you so much. That guy took everything from you, everything you once were, and broke it again and again and again over years.

You were so scared of this thing.

And yet he has the gall and the gumption to die just like that.

It was so easy.

And yet you suffered for so long.

8. Evil Playthrough?

An evil playthrough is really a different setting altogether.

All of this, as you can probably tell, is really only applicable on a good playthrough. Realistically speaking. I’m not sure how the game mechanics handle it.

On an evil path, Astarion never really gets to experience kindness and goodness. Evil Tav will just prove him right in his believe that the world is a vile and cold place, meaning that he realistically would be more inclined to actually want to ascend.

9. Final Conclusion

I think all of this should be enough to make it clear that no, ascended Astarion is not the best ending for the guy. In fact, it is probably the worst. Because it’s just him, running away. He’s running into a lonely and cold state of being, where cruelty and power lord over everything else and he’s running because he’s terrified of being hurt again. He’s running despite desperately wanting to stop running.

“I'll spend the rest of my life running watching the shadows, never feeling safe…no, this has to happen. Here and now.”

And, the worst part is: Nothing about Astarion is left after he ascends. Even his tone of speaking gradually changes, his theatrics fading. He’s slowly losing himself, until there’s nothing but an evil caricature left.

So, in the end, ascension will have proven him right.

That version of him is dead.

[annawayne]

Anna I'm just curious how old are you?

Sorry if I'm being intrusive I just overthink too much if I'm too old to be in fandom You can not answer if it's uncomfortable, so please don't feel pressured to answer

Much love!

Hi anon!

I'm 27, and it's all fine, don't worry!

And you know, I would say that fandom is the place that doesn't have any restrictions: we gather together not by the age, but for our love for the same things. And this, this love doesn't know no age, it always go beyond. So, anon, no matter how old you are - 20, 38, 45, or 60 - you're welcome in any fandom because you share the same love like other people do :3

I know that a lot of people think that being in fandom is not "serious", when being an adult, but the truth is that the only "not serious" behaviour is to judge other people by their interest (as long as this "interest" is not harmful or insulting others, of course).

I actually had a situation when some very toxic man (lol, of course) said to me regarding my love for AruAni, "You're obsessed and it's not very good for you. You're already a grown-up woman, you better act like one". Well, there's always an ultimate answer to it, the one I said to him, "You're right, I'm a grown up and, unlike you, I act like one, so I don't listen to rude shitbags like you who tell me what to do with my life" ┐⁠(⁠ ⁠∵⁠ ⁠)⁠┌

And this is really it, you don't have to listen to anyone what you should love or not. Your interest is yours.

I understand that, of course, it's also difficult because of the social pressure, but if we will listen to anyone's what to do with our lives, what will be left for us? Life is a very fragile thing. And this fragility is for us to keep, not for other people with malice on their fingers trying to touch it.

I'm just like anyone else - I have a full-time job, mundane chores, health problems, taxes, medical check ups, sleep deprivation, maintaining my finances (I also have another quite specific condition - living in a war, but it's another thing), but I also have my love for theater and classics and rock concerts, my obsession with literature and ethno/vintage, my love for cinema, for art, for studying, for silly socks with hilarious print under the black palazzo pants and massive boots, my love for AruAni, who I adore with all my heart, for creating - writing and drawing, for wheezing when I see kitties or doggies, for cuddling with my plushie shiba-inu (his name is Mochi, I love him).

I can go to the opera, and then come back, write some AruAni angsty scenes and scream here with everyone on Tumblr on some headcanons - if Armin loves sharks, how Annie tries not to lose herself during the Ambassadors meeting when Armin looks like that etc etc - before starting working usually 8 hours. And it doesn't make me less or "weirder", or special or anything else. It just makes me - me, and there's nothing bad about it. In fact, it only brings me joy.

So, anon, no matter how old you are, what matters is your genuine passion and love, and if anyone tells you how to live your life - the only thing I can tell, is that such people are just jealous deep inside that you can openly love something and enjoy something, when they are not capable of it, being embarrassed or losing all the interests in general, caging themselves into "adult" frames, too pressured by social standards or simply not even having time for it - the whole list of reasons is enormous, and it's very sad, in fact.

We all sometimes lose our interests and hobbies in this adult life hurricane, but if you have it - defend it like the tree defends its roots in the storm: like its life depends on it, because being able to have the interest and being passionate about something, this is what is worth fighting for. It's a blessing and we should cherish it. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

(sorry for the sudden long read, I'm sorry if I bored you. It just seemed to me that this topic bothered you and I wanted to support you)

[vasito-de-leche]

Could we have some Zima relationship headcanons :]

;R1999 ZIMA - Relationship Headcanons

Compilation of headcanons about Zima in a romantic relationship.

ofc you can nonnie, ty for the request! Zima was the other character that got me into the game so he's very dear to me

also also, I'm not sick anymore so I have some steam to work on requests, hehe <3 still working on the sleepy fics though, don't worry yall!

I haven't done a proper analysis/HCs post on Zima yet, so as usual I'll be talking a little about his character before getting into the whole relationship aspect of things!

The portrayal of Zima as a stereotypical, shy introvert feels extremely reductive to me, especially when it's all attributed to his speech pattern - the pauses, the stuttering... None of it is an indication of timidness. We have to remember that Zima's native language, like many other characters, is not english and he struggles when speaking it. That's the reason he speaks in such a way, there's a language barrier he's constantly fighting against in order to communicate with others and yet he's clearly trying.

There's an emphasis on loneliness, isolation and avoidance in his character that is impossible to ignore, which seems to add to the whole portrayal of Zima as a "shy baby". But again, this is something that comes from an important part of his life - the exile he went through. Him being socially inept is a result of a punishment, years of being alone with no one but animals to keep him company. It doesn't come from a sense of inferiority or insecurity such as Charlie, but an absolute lack of human contact.

When examining his voicelines, we also see that he's opinionated - criticizing the Tsar and the poor living conditions of the people, speaking of the beauty of nature and so on and so forth. He explicitly writes poems on any surface like trees, rocks and snow, even if he knows they'll be washed away overtime.

I understand that it's extremely easy to dismiss Zima when it comes to romance because of all of these details, his isolating ways and all, but he's a poet first and foremost.

While he may not be romantic in the more traditional sense we're used to, he's extremely insightful and takes a lot of care to appreciate the small details that often go overlooked, but that make life feel more lively and rich. In the context of relationships, given his age and his lifestyle, Zima would bring a completely different type of vibe - for comparison, most of the characters I talked about already lean towards high emotions, the fun of discovering love for the first time, etc etc...

Pavia's love is a whole rollercoaster on his own because there's always the chance of either getting hurt or having the time of your life, Forget Me Not's feels exactly like being hungover in the morning. But Zima's love is more like coming home after a long trip, knowing there's a warm meal waiting for you. It's familiar and calm.

On the subject of Zima falling in love.

Zima is used to introspection, so I genuinely believe he has a strong sense of self and a good grasp on his emotions. He quickly realizes when he's fallen for someone and he accepts it easily, despite the lack of romantic interactions in his life. This is because the object of his affections is, most likely, someone he already cherishes, and who puts the effort into maintaining a good friendship with him - so the idea of being in love with them feels natural!

I can't see Zima pursuing romantic relationships with strangers and/or those outside his close circle, not even a surface attraction beyond artistic appreciation for someone's looks. He strikes me as the type who can only fall in love with those he trusts and knows.

And even then, his behaviour wouldn't change much!

It's obvious that he lacks friends, so the very few people he does have are extremely important to him - even so, Zima does not need to constantly orbit around them and will gladly spend days (and weeks if you don't actively seek him out) without seeing them, content to catch up with them whenever their paths cross. He shares what little he has to offer with everyone, practical things and knowledge. Zima is 100% that friend who disappears for months and returns as if nothing happened.

When it comes to you, it's the same. Sure, if you ask him to stay a little longer then he'll oblige you. And if you're the chatty type or find his work interesting, then he'll put the effort into having a conversation with you despite the language barrier. But that's about it, the changes aren't noticeable no matter how much he loves you, because all of that happens when no one is looking.

If you happen to stroll around in the wilderness, getting lost in the forest and all, then you might find your name carved on trees along with many, many poems. If you don't speak or read russian, then all you'll be able to recognize is your name - the very first thing Zima taught you in his native tongue - but these are all declarations of love.

The animals are kinder to you, curious even. They follow and treat you like an old friend, as if they knew you, because everything they've heard from you comes from Zima himself. They speak about everything and anything with him, after all.

Zima lacks the initiative to confess or even consider being in a proper relationship with you - I insist, he's genuinely content with being a close friend - but he also lacks the restraint to keep his feelings to himself and thus puts them on display in the only way he knows how: as a poorly kept secret between himself and the nature that surrounds him.

Not many think of him as a romantic because of how stoic he is, but when Zima is in love, he sees you in every flower, in the snowflakes that fall and kiss his nose. You're the gentle summer breeze and the crystal clear rivers once winter ends. You're right there beside him in spirit when he sees little chicks take flight for the first time, or when all the other forest critters wake up after hibernating. Zima finds beauty in every aspect of nature, and he sees you everywhere he looks.

That said, there's no way he'll take the first step. That's entirely up to you, to pick up all these things and confront him about it - that's the only time he'll be open and direct about his feelings. Because you already know how much you mean to him!

Zima would love to teach you his native language.

This is partially me projecting because english isn't my native language either, but I do like to think that Zima's english is all self-taught. He understands when others speak english, but isn't as fluent when speaking himself. And that's why it's sooo infuriating and frustrating for him, as a creative person and poet.

Not only because it's harder to communicate with others, but because his work and poems - the most important part of himself - can't be fully understood. Therefore HE can't be fully understood. Some translations, while good, can't even come close to their original meaning. As his partner, Zima wants you to understand the full depth of his affections and thoughts.

I do think that the process of learning would also be quite organic, starting with Zima simply pointing out at things and teaching you the way they're named in russian, basic stuff he does unconsciously. If you pick up things on your own from his work and his translations, Zima will be over the moon and would ask you to repeat yourself to make sure your pronunciation is right and because he loves the way his language sounds with your accent.

But if you approach and ask him to properly teach you? He's gone, instantly overwhelmed with emotion and thoughts racing in his head, trying to organize a million different things - what would be the best way to teach you? Should he start with the alphabet? You want to learn this brand new language to understand him better, that simple gesture is a huge deal for him.

Once you have a pretty good grasp on the language, at least enough to have basic conversations with him, it will feel like Zima has gotten a little bolder - addressing you with pet names, being generally more blunt and talkative... But in fact, he's just finally able to express himself in his totality.

This also goes the other way around - Zima would love to learn your own native language, whether it's english or something else. It's yet another language he can use to express himself, so it's a win-win. And I know that it's common for us multilingual people to start confusing and mixing all the languages we speak, but I think Zima would have an easy time keeping them apart, so to speak!

On the subject of Zima and how he acts when he's in a relationship.

You two were close friends before you were lovers, so Zima doesn't feel any sort of pressure to live up to some dating standards like fancy dates, gifts or grandiose displays of affections - once again, it's all about what feels natural. You two know each other more than enough to simply fall into a comfortable routine that works out for both.

He does make the effort to drop by more often, to find a middle ground until he feels more comfortable and used to being around large groups of people. But he would also insist that you accompany for his walks in search of inspiration for his work!

When it comes to showing affection, I think Zima might be a little touchstarved - casual physical contact such as someone hugging or patting him on the back as a greeting still catch him by surprise, but affectionate gestures with those he trusts and loves is a novelty that leaves Zima starry-eyed.

He has a lot of things that he needs to slowly get used to again now that he's not exiled in the middle of the woods, but having you shower him with affection is something that he grows to like rather quickly. When you pet him, pepper his face with kisses, hold his hand when walking or hug him - it doesn't matter, Zima will always stand there, fascinated with the way you make him feel, so very warm and safe.

He would appreciate a warning before being touched, and he always makes sure to ask before initiating anything himself - it doesn't matter how many times you tell him that you're fine with this sort of contact, he's going to ask for permission anyway. Just out of politeness. Personal space is important, after all.

I think Zima would try to stick to a routine he can follow without overwhelming himself, especially if you're the type to need more attention (again, Zima will literally disappear for weeks if left to his own devices). It's more of a short list of things he needs to remember to do before the day is over, the two most important ones being greeting you in the morning and wishing you goodnight.

As for more general aspects of a relationship, I don't think there's much to say! Arguments with him rarely happen because he's patient and careful with his words, he communicates his needs and boundaries as well as he respects yours and all. Zima isn't that talkative, but his more "eccentric" traits are something you're probably used to on account of that initial bond and trust.

[mortemappetens]

Every Sorcerer is a Little Mad

As early as *chapter 3 of the manga, it has been repeatedly suggested that in order to be a (good) sorcerer, one would have to be a little bit mad. In fact, it sort of became a recurring theme, at least in the earlier section of the manga, having been mentioned at least twice that I can remember (**once by Satoru in chapter 4, ***and again by Kento Nanami in chapter 19).

Thereafter, it is less said and more shown to have some truth to it (Megumi when deploying his incomplete Domain Expansion, Satoru with Toji and Hanami, Sukuna and Mahoraga, Yuki and Kenjaku, to name a few).

With the Culling Arc confirming that Cursed Techniques (CT) originate in the Right Prefrontal Cortex of the brain (RPTC), it got me wondering if the “madness” is a product of neural enhancement or neural damage.

So, just for fun, I decided to dissect the character of Satoru Gojo, arguably the maddest of the bunch, from a neuropsychologist perspective.

As mentioned, in the world of JJK the RPTC is where CTs originate. In the case of Satoru, his CT is the Gojo clan’s Limitless. In 2007, Satoru had figured out how to essentially keep his technique perpetually active (and some, having placed conditions on his Infinity to automatically distinguish between threat and non-threat, with the goal to add poisons to the list of threats). Shoko, at the time, commented how doing this would essentially fry his brain (that is, it would obliterate his RPTC), a comment that acts as a premonition as he does just that during his fight with Sukuna (chapter 230). At the time, his counter to Shoko was that he was simultaneously running Reverse Cursed Technique (RCT) in order to mitigate any brain damage; however, in chapter 144, Yuki Tsukumo had also suggested that even RCT cannot heal scars.

Was Satoru really mitigating brain damage, or simply delaying an inevitability?

In the real world, the RPTC is implicated in emotional regulation (in particular, it is more responsible for negative, inhibiting feelings, including risk assessment and consequences), visuospatial processing, and social cognition (i.e. the ability to understand and interpret the thoughts, feelings, and intentions of others, contributing towards social behaviour and interpersonal interactions).

Satoru is essentially perpetually running his CT as well as RCT in the background, thereby damaging, healing, and scarring his RPTC over and over again, for the duration of 10+ years. That area of the brain must be so heavily lesioned and scarred due to prolonged abuse. And, of course, it has completely altered his ability to appropriately regulate his emotions, has inhibited his risk assessment, and has all but destroyed his social cognition (how can bro not see that Utahime hates him?). Is Satoru mad because he is Satoru, or is he mad because his CT/RCT has essentially given him sustained brain damage?

There’s another character I’d like to point out that has not mentioned that madness is indicative of a good sorcerer, nor has displayed any madness. If anything, given the circumstances, they have probably displayed the most realistic emotional reactions to everything that has been going on.

Atsuya Kusakabe.

That guy has no CT (****chapter 254), and instead is a student/alumni(?) of the New Shadow Style School.

Is his notable lack of madness due to the fact that he isn’t continuously damaging his RPTC? I think the accounts of the other adult sorcerers answer this: “He’s a kind man”.

Ultimately, in order to be a good sorcerer, a great sorcerer, you need to be a little brain damaged.

And Satoru Gojo? He is the most brain damaged of them all.

Well, was.

I think Megumi Fushiguro’s got the crown now.

*Yaga Masamichi when interviewing Yuji Itadori for enrollment

**Satoru Gojo when testing Nobara to confirm her madness

***Insinuated by Kento Nanami when describing the world of sorcery

****Mei Mei on Atsuya having no CT with the brain, and instead “reacts” with the spine

[zu-is-here]

Hey zuuu, I've been thinking about studio dream and his behaviour.

I see that most people are calling him just a mean guy right? Well idk, I might just be spit balling but hear me out.

A lot of the times he's been rude in the comic so far haven't seemed to be on purpose, he seems unfiltered and even reprimands himself for bringing up the girl.

I might be projecting here, but did you ever consider the idea that he could be on the spectrum. I can recognise behaviours in him that I exhibit sometimes. A lack of social awareness and a lack of filter.

As with epic, when finding out he was 'just a janitor' and had a hard time with even getting that job, he responded rudely. However to someone on thr spectrum saying something like that could be down to a genuine confusion and a lack of understanding on social interaction.

His short temper can also be a sign, as another factor can be a difficulty with emotional regulation. I can especially struggle when negative emotions are involved. They can hit me very harshly.

The moodiness as well, in high stress times it can be harder to find the strength to mask and a more moody and un social look can slip out. And I'd say getting kicked out is that.

Sheldon Cooper may not be a very good example of representation, but one thing he said 'it's like an inch in my brain I can't scratch ' is apparent.

Thoughhh, this is not all ASD people as it is a spectrum for a reason, there are alot of factors and these can just be signs in some cases. Representation of the condition isn't something that's often done well in the media so this might be a sensitive topic.

I just can't help but wonder, if these character flaws could indicate that, because that could be an amazing angle. I'm not trying to say that his behaviour isn't his responsibility, because it still is.

If he was, then it acts like someone who might not be aware or hasn't yet learnt how to manage his condition. Learning coping mechanisms could help him improve his behaviour and filter. If he grew up with people constantly excusing his behaviour because he 'can't help it', then it can also factor into narcissism or compared with sibling thing you mentioned. So him accepting that there are things he can't help, but also things he can do to manage the symptoms, he could have a complete character arc in that way.

All that being said, I know this is most likely not at all what you intended, and you probably have no interest in pursuing this idea. But idk it's been on my mind and I can't help but feel like it could be a interesting angle. You can tell these boys live rent free on my head lol.

It does sound like him actually, thank you very much for your suggestion and explanation, Gayfish! (*ﾟ∀ﾟ*) I'm glad to hear that his flaws feel so real, guess I'm on the right track with "exploring" him ᕦ(òwóˇ)☆

"He seems unfiltered and even reprimands himself for bringing up the girl" is just what I felt when trying to see more of him, not Dream *^*

In this story, I'm a mere observer just like you, and they're still a bit of a mystery to me (ò_óˇ) It may sound weird since I'm the one who draws, but to be honest, I just "open" them up more with each new page and try to find the way they would act, not how they should / I want them to act.

That's why I'm still not sure what they'll end up with... "A complete character arc" would be the best outcome indeed, but who knows? Not me x)

UPD:

That's it! :'D

[livixbobbiex]

More on ADHD and acceptance in Percy Jackson

TLDR: Percy Jackson was a formative ADHD representation experience for me, even though I didn't know at the time, and I hope it can be that for others too. Mostly a slightly tmi personal tale, but this has a point I promise.

I was a teenager during that specific sweet spot where internet culture had taken off, but Tiktok wasn't a thing yet. Social media was less algorithm based. This meant that my exposure to ADHD as a concept was somewhat less than what you see nowadays.

Percy Jackson was pretty much the first (and only) exposure I had to ADHD. And because I was around 13 when I first picked it up, I hadn't figured myself out yet, so I didn't have that instant relational experience. What I did relate to, though, was the emotional weight. Percy's narrative voice sucked me in, because even if I didn't understand 'ADHD' fully, I fundamentally got the otherness. The weird sense of just being different from other people. I used to daydream about being whisked away too, that I would get some explanation for why I was Other. So when I read the PJO books, it was a case of deeply understanding that narrative, but not fully knowing why.

I was able to fully pin down that I was probably an ADHDer by 16 or so (more after things like internet quizzes and specific research). And I was only able to actively start the diagnosis process when I was 18.

So when I read the Percy Jackson (and Heroes of Olympus by this point) books again with that context, it was a different experience. It didn't teach me that I was ADHD (I will say, the books don't really focus on that and consistently tie behaviours back to it explicitly). But they don't portray ADHD as a negative thing and that's very important. There is legitimate room for criticism of the 'ADHD superpower narrative' in the early books especially, don't get me wrong, but for my young self this was legitimately so helpful.

What it meant was that for me, my first true experience with ADHD was a sensation of okayness and acceptance. As Percy was told, there's nothing wrong with him, he was just built different, brain tuned to be better at different things. Yeah, the 'mortal' world is difficult to cope with, but that doesn't mean that Percy was somehow wrong or broken. Just... different. Which I suppose is the reason Rick started telling those stories in the first place, too.

That message is what stuck with me super hard, when I could directly apply it to myself. It's a fundamental part of why I have never been afraid of my diagnosis, and why I'm comfortable being super open about it both online and in my day to day life. I genuinely do not think I would be in nearly as good a position in life as I am today, had I not read those books.

So yeah. I'm stoked that the series is back in huge relevance. I absolutely love the way that ADHD has been portrayed so far in the show. In general I think access to information about ADHD nowadays is a net positive, though I do share concerns that there's a tendency to over medicalise/hyperfixate on the condition part of it. So, it does make me happy to get the kind of representation that's far more in the 'you're not broken by being different' lane, because that's something we could frankly all use more of.

[transmutationisms]

i agree with the your statement on what succession is saying on the nuclear family but i guess i don’t understand how to get there analytically. how/why is it saying that these things are intrinsic to the social form of the family? how/why is it not arguing that it is the product of familial abuse specifically? like how is it arguing that this is true for all families and not just ones we’d label fucked up? like i do believe it but i can’t articulate why so i was wondering if you could lol thank you

so, to me the analysis proceeds by asking what specific social forms and conditions create and enable the familial abuse. logan has control over his family because of his money and his social and political capital. he sees himself as specifically having ownership over his children, as they're almost avatars of himself including / specifically in their sexual behaviour. his psychological abuse is possible because they rely on him for their emotional development; his physical abuse is possible because as the father, he has legal ownership over them. he wants to turn them into ideal, disciplined employees, who correctly demonstrate his definitions of masculinity and strength, and punishes them for failing to live up to these demands.

so, what elements are anomalous? logan's level of wealth and power is elevated because he's a tv billionaire, of course. but, legally and socially, parents do actually have ownership over their children, who are denied personhood and bodily autonomy. fatherhood specifically is configured as a relation of ownership (though make no mistake that even in a non-patriarchal society, ceteris paribus, the parent-child relationship is still power-imbalanced). the family as the site of emotional development and the source of the child's basic material needs means there is tremendous potential for abuse because it's very difficult, emotionally or materially, for a child to survive leaving it. and logan's valorisation of masculinity etc is very much in line with prevailing cultural norms.

the suggestion then is that the type of abuse we see in the roys is not an aberration from the normal rules of familial dynamics, just an intensification of them. even in healthy, non-abusive families there are elements of control and power imbalance, and children are basically trapped in such families as well; they're simply lucky not to be in immediate extreme harm because of it. misogyny that pervades a society will also pervade individual families, and it's very common and normal for parents to value their daughters less than their sons, treat their sons with disgust for being effeminate, etc. even in families where these things don't produce outright abuse, they are still harmful; abuse of the roy variety is not different by quality but in quantity.

the collapse of the employer-employee relationship and the parent-child relationship is a critical piece of this. for logan, having children was a means of securing an heir to both his business and his bloodline / legacy. this inherently makes the children instrumental for logan, valued on the basis of how well they conform to what he wants, ie, a flattering reflection of himself that can outlive him. and furthermore, the show goes out of its way to show how the power imbalance of employer-enployee inherently creates the possibility for abuse (tom and greg, kendall and jess, logan and the old guard, logan and waystar more generally). so, mapping logan's relationship with his children onto the capitalist relationship to the worker is a deliberate move again suggesting that these relationships are both marked by a power differential and instrumental use of the disempowered person, which enables abusive treatment.

so, familial abuse on the show is not a departure from normal family dynamics but an intensification of them. not all parents are emotionally and physically violent with their children to the extent logan is, obviously. but the family inherently allows for this possibility, makes it extremely hard to stop such violence when it is occurring, and is still coercive even for those children who are not in an actively dangerous situation with an outright abusive parent. again, the difference with the roys is in degree of intensity; nothing about how they function or the ideology logan imposes on them is actually a violation of cultural, social, or legal norms in the united states in 2023.

[cyanocoraxx]

I have a question!! What made you like centipedes and want to keep them? (Or just bugs in general?)

honestly this all started around 8 years ago when i read something that said "we fear what we don't understand"

i realized that i was scared of spiders because i didn't understand them. i was scared of snakes because i didn't understand them. etc etc etc. it's easy to be nervous about something when you think you can't read its behaviour and don't know if it will hurt you. the unknown is terrifying for sure. but here's two examples - that big ass house spider isn't chasing you - it can only see light and dark, it just wants to find a shadow to hide in. that snake likely doesn't want to bite you, but it will if you don't read its defensive signals and back off. when you start to learn things like this, you realize that these animals just want to survive like you, and there's no need to be afraid if you spend a little time researching their body language, how they use their senses, etc etc. they're just lil guys ur honour!

started with some docile tarantula species and over time worked up to where i am now with medically significant wandering spiders, old world tarantulas and obvs a lot of others. it's not always easy and yeah i shit myself when they bolt at mach 5 in my direction sometimes but who wouldn't lmao. that's what a catch cup is for <3 i also jumped in with my first snake, my brazilian rainbow boa, which is known for being defensive and bitey in its baby stage. scared of being bitten? let's try EXPOSURE THERAPY. turns out it's not that scary actually. inti you just look silly and also ur like 1ft long. pls. and here's the thing with all that- they only bite because they're scared and unsure of YOU. you have to show THEM that you're not a threat. so we did some mutual Understanding of each other (him latching on to my hand and me just sitting there quietly) until we both found out that actually, we're not scary. i think that's something special.

so........... centipedes are the latest animal that i realized i still felt nervous about, and guess what - it's only because i didn't feel like i understood them. i heard all these things about how they're all aggressive, nasty, ill-tempered things that just want to bite you. i was a little scared of them, so i just got one at an invert show after speaking to a breeder about their care and started to learn. learned that they're very deserving of respect - especially those with medically significant venom like the dehaani. those guys are a little insane (love u eos but ur a freak)

centipedes are still a bit of a mystery to humans, i think - we don't fully know how far their intelligence goes as not many people are researching their cognitive abilities. but centipedes can be socialized with us to tolerate our touch, some even seeming to "enjoy" being petted as it may make them feel like they're hiding under something warm and dark. some keepers swear their centipedes can remember them. some say they can be classically conditioned to associate a stimulus with something else (i.e. a tap on the enclosure means food is coming). each pede has its own temperament, some are bolty and bitey and some are laid back. i think this is all fascinating. are these worms made of knives smarter than most think? yeah, undoubtedly. we just don't know HOW intelligent yet. how many other animals do we underestimate and overlook?

here's something to bear in mind when interacting with inverts: you're HUGE. you make a lot of loud noises and heavy vibrations when you move. you're unpredictable. you give off heat and smell like salty sweat but you're not food. sometimes you might smell like fruit if you use a body spray. you reach down from above like an aerial hunter. so what are you? an invert with limited senses has all of this to figure out in just a few seconds.. it's no wonder they react so viscerally to us sometimes.

tldr; the thing probably doesn't want to bite you <3

[askachroma]

tell faba i'd give him a little kiss on the cheek

(He is very embarrassed and also a bit shy)

I have so many more hcs guys,, if you’re still reading this, buckle up.

Okay, Faba’s not what you could really call a nice guy. He’s a bastard, with heaps of bitchiness on top, right. But I do like to think underneath all that he can be quite shy, and very considerate and loving of people he actually gives a damn about. Personally I hc him as being diagnosed really, really late with autism (like not until late twenties), which has given him a lot of social trauma. He’s late thirties now right so that’s given him so much time to build up resentment and bitterness towards everybody. He has the capacity to be nice, but with 99.9 percent of people he just thinks: what’s the point? It’s not like they deserve kindness. They never tried to include HIS socially awkward ass in anything, they were never understanding of HIS struggles.

He didn’t have a social life growing up, but you know what he did have? His brain. It’s the only thing he felt superior in, so he clung to that lifeline and gradually built his entire personality around it. He’s smarter, better than everyone, career orientated… it’s the only thing he feels he has going on for him so of course he’s going to gradually condition himself into being a workaholic. He even convinces himself he doesn’t even care about people at all, that he doesn’t want any kind of relationship because they’d distract him from his work. Of course eventually that does change— in fact, when he met his ex-wife and Colress and finally had a connection with someone, that was probably the only thing that saved him from completely going off the deep end honestly. ‘He’s bad now but he could have been way worse’, kind of thing. When he did get divorced from his ex though it just made him even more bitter and lonely and turned him absolutely desperate, causing him to cling onto his career and making very questionable decisions (AHEM rainbow rocket [although I’m still undecided if that’s a canon event in my au]) because he was just in a big, spiralling panic. Since then the friendship Colress (and now finally Knox) have shown him have softened him up a bit, but even so he’s still very distrustful and bitter.

I think that’s part of the reason I like writing him so much, because I can see bits of myself in him. The whole late diagnosis, not really fitting in with others and not knowing why, developing bitterness and a lot of fear because of it, I really get that. Of course, not everyone who is diagnosed with adult autism is going to be as hostile as Faba, (Or hostile at all. I may relate to the bitterness but I wouldn’t consider myself an asshole!!) but it’s definitely one of the things that can happen. Not that it excuses his shitty attitude/behaviour either, but it definitely explains it.

…Man. All that because of a ‘kiss on the cheek’ ask LOL

Realistically if someone he didn’t know well were to say they’d give him a kissy on the cheek, he’d probably be very cynical and think it was mockery, buuuut I do like drawing a soft Faba so I’ve taken some liberties with my hcs for this one.

TLDR: A late autism diagnosis gave Faba trauma, and now he’s making it everyone else’s problem, half consciously out of a want for revenge, half subconsciously because people frighten him (but he would never admit it)

[vesemirsexual]

An interesting point relevant to your post about TWN and how the fandom translates Witcher lore into them being idiots and incapable of most things is that its actually a direct reflection of how they perceive and try to represent people who are more introverted, socially repulsed or have conditions like autism.

I'm autistic, and the traits I share with Geralt as we see him in the show are almost dumbed down and considered bad, weird, animalistic, ect by the fandom. How people treat me in real life is very similar to how fandom treats Witchers in fanfiction.

Changing their behaviors and understandings for certain plot points and story themes is fine, but this kind of thing irks me most in meta-focused fanfiction and analytical posts. Especially those pretentious posts where people with absolutely no education in behavior or psychology analyse the show and its scenes and spit out all this glittered turd that borders on ableist and offensive.

Sorry for the slow reply to this, I've been sitting on it because I wanted to formulate a good response (unfortunately my brain sucks though)!

It's really interesting you say that, because I have ADHD and PTSD and I often find the crossover of symptomatic behaviour often gets the same response. I think a lot of people identify with the ally label when behaviour can be packaged into a cute little funny anecdote or online meme, but when it's in a greater context people don't know what to do with it, or don't identify it as the same thing. I've seen people talk about autistic Geralt before, and I would really love to see someone do a thoughtful analysis/breakdown.

It's definitely irritating though. I think Geralt is one character in particular that has definitely been taken out of his original context and altered so many times that I see an interpretation and I'm not even sure that's the same guy. Fandom culture really loves to choose specific characters that become everyones favourite Guy that they project on, while forgetting that when you put it back into context it sometimes is a lot uglier than you may have intended it to be.

There's a handful of really popular tropes that make me wince, and range anywhere from uncomfortable to actively making me raise an eyebrow. It's...an interesting thing to try and discuss or unpack.

[flock-talk]

Hi! I've been following the Newt and Toto friendship arc intently, thank you so much for sharing all this in such detail! It got me thinking, so I apologise for the lengthy ask. Have you ever had a bird that will just not integrate with other birds? Ed was placed with us by the rescue because he doesn't get on with other birds and we didn't already have others. A couple of different behaviour specialists have told me that especially given his age (24), he was probably hand reared and taken from his parents much too young, he just doesn't understand how to relate to other birds and probably can't learn now. As far as I know he lived for most of his life as an only bird.

I feel like it's impossible for me to give him all the friendship and attention he deserves. Even though I work at home he wants to be with me and have my attention constantly, and of course it's just not possible in real life. A bird friend seems like an appealing idea at first but could easily be a big mistake and make things even worse. Even if it could be possible for Ed to learn inter-bird skills, it may be beyond my level to teach him. What are your thoughts?

Thank you 💚

In a scenario like this I would definitely be sure to be prepared for a worst case scenario, if you really want a second bird it's definitely possible to teach them to coexist in the same space under supervision but not necessarily to be able to really want to integrate and be friends.

If you yourself want a second bird you absolutely can teach another bird at any age to be able to share communal spaces, it can take a lot of work depending on the severity of the problem but in general just about any bird can learn to ignore another bird and go about their business. Actual integration and forming a relationship is something that's entirely up to the birds, training can set them up for the most success but if they don't want to form a bond then they won't.

If you have bird shows or conventions in your area it may be worth bringing him in a carrier and see what his response is to other birds, there may also be Facebook groups in your area that are willing to have their birds in carriers meet up so you can just get a feel for how severe his reaction is and whether or not it's feasible, or in his best interests, to add another bird. Some rescues will have trial periods as well or allow meet ups which could allow you to get a better feel for things as well.

A lot of the times rescues mislabel birds, the stress and trauma of going through the rescue process can cause animals to present a lot of behaviours that aren't their true nature. it's also possible that he may be more social than what was believed or that the introductory conditions that gave him that label were improper.

I would definitely er on the side of caution and aim to get Ed some exposure to other birds prior to making that decision.

[authorgirl0131]

You know what? I don't believe Kristine Barnett about Jacob's autism

(Note- I know the whole level 1-3 autism thing is kind of controversial but, to save myself some time, I'll be using those instead of high, moderate, and low support needs.)

Do I believe Jacob Barnett has autism? Yes, absolutely. I mean, you can tell even from the docuseries that he's clearly autistic. But do I believe that Jacob has ever, at any point, been correctly diagnosed as level 3 autistic?

No.

Level three autism is a very major thing. I know a few people who have it and, while I know it's a spectrum, I know what a diagnosis of level 3 autism entails. People diagnosed with it usually, if not always, require a caregiver and will require one for the rest of their lives to perform functions of daily living- I'm not saying that's a bad thing or that this is a catch-all but, if there are level 3 people out there who can live without assistance, I haven't met anyone even close to that. They've often nonspeaking or barely speaking- the only one I've met who can kind of speak can mostly just repeat up to seven words at a time, very fast, and he struggles with repeating anything longer. While he can also speak for himself, he rarely does and usually only speaks in very short sentences that are very fast, very quiet, and quite hard to understand. Are there semi-speaking or speaking level 3 autistics? I'm sure there are but, to my knowledge, they're rare. The ones I've met- and I've met around twenty- are a mixed bag with reading, writing, and math. Two are extremely good at math, the rest can't do it or can do small things but not complex equations. Four of them can read at all, and only one can write. They usually have cognitive delays and/or intellectual disability. Masking for level 3 people is usually impossible.

But Jacob Barnett? He's speaking, he speaks extremely well barring the occasional stutter or pause. He speaks better than I do and I'm level 2 autistic. He can express himself to others extremely well and seems to put his thoughts into words with relative ease. He masks extremely well- you can catch symptoms if you know what to look for, but to those who don't know what to look for or who aren't aware he's autistic, he may just seem kind of awkward, the kind of "super genius" who can take photos of black holes but can't socialize his way out of a paper bag. He lives on his own- I believe he may have a partner, but he's also lived on his own for quite a while and seemed to have been doing fine with that. Heck, I'm pretty sure he lives in a different country right now for college. He can read and write, obviously, and he's phenomenal at math. He has an extremely high IQ and no noticeable cognitive delays. His stimming behaviour is relatively small, nothing that would be out of place on a nervously-fidgeting allistic. Is he autistic? I have no reason to doubt he is and he certainly displays symptoms. Is he level 3 autistic? No.

Misdiagnosis can happen, especially when he was young and not as much was known about autism, but misdiagnosis as level three? And the way Kristine acts, as though he was level 3 but recovered- girl, that isn't possible. If he was level 3 then he's going to be level three forever. There is no changing that. It's not possible to change a congenital condition like autism, not without killing him. The math ain't mathing, Kristine Barnett, unless you lied. And I think you did.

I think Kristine Barnett played up Jacob's autism for her horrifically ableist book (seriously, had a panic attack reading even three chapters of that shit, don't read it,) to make it seem like a "miracle" when really, her kid was just low support needs but had an affinity for math that she tutored him in. I don't think it's possible that Jacob ever truly was level 3 autistic, and it's not possible that he's no longer autistic, and it's definitely not possible that he went from level 3 autism to not being autistic at all.

I'm sorry, I just don't believe her. I think this is just another thing she lied about. I'm sorry to poor Jacob for his mother, who was supposed to protect him, putting his personal medical history out there and turning him into a spectacle when he was a child.

[aggressiveviking]

thank you for the post about mutual abuse. I use it to show people why Johnny Depp didn’t abuse Amber heard by fighting back against her when she would initiate her abuse to him. It’s helped so many people understand men can be victims of abuse in relationships, and that women can lie. And by showing the evidence in court, it brought her down, to better serve real women who’ve been abused, and now men too. Thank you!

I completely agree. And that's not only true for other people being able to acknowledge who the real abuser is but this relates to the abuse victims as well.

As it has been with me and many others, most victims tend to blame themselves for the abuse afflicted on them . Believing that they did something to deserve the way they're treated. That is something that abusers groom into you, because otherwise you will leave them.

This is the reason why abuse victims often end up right back into abusive relationships, one after the other - they are the people that tend to stay and overlook their partners wrong doings; they are usually the biggest defenders of their abusers because they're groomed to believe that they are the ones in the wrong.

When they are pushed far enough to defend themselves or lose their temper - that is used by their abusers to prove how badly they treat their partners.

People wonder why abused people stay in abusive relationships for so long - it's precisely because of these reasons.

You are conditioned to believe that you are the abuser and you keep trying to do better by the person you care about and love. And that's a cycle that repeats. The only way to break the cycle is for the victim to take a stand, but that is so extremely difficult and it takes tremendous courage and strength.

For a victim to even admit to themselves that they are actually a victim - that is the hardest struggle of it, especially if abuse has pushed them into doing things that are generally seen as bad - alcohol abuse, drug abuse, etc. This is what often happens with abuse victims because those are coping mechanisms (unhealthy but still are), ways to forget your pain, dull your guilt and bad feelings - since they are also often associated with a good time, parties and fun.

Desperate people would do anything for even a second of peace, something to make them feel safe and not so helpless. It's also why most abuse victims become violent towards others as well. The only way to feel safe is to make others afraid so they won't mess with you, to leave you alone.

Hurt people, hurt other people.

All of these make outside observers believe that a victim is an abuser, because real abusers look like completely regular people, and can even often be very likable socially.

The "Mutual Abuse" bullshit starts with the abuser telling that to their victim. And people who are lucky enough not to be familiar with abuse patterns would try to find logical reasons behind certain behaviours, but they don't know or understand the motivations behind the behaviour.

Standing up to your abuser, and leaving, is one of the hardest things a person can face because more often than not abuse victims are alone. They don't have people to turn to, who could understand and support them. their friends or family would have been alienated from them by their abusers and their own deterioration of health, bad coping mechanisms, defence and devotion toward their abuser. Their behaviour would push people away, so that the only person they have left is their abuser, and that is by design. An abuser would do everything in their power to trap and prevent their victims from leaving them. They would gaslight, isolate, alienate, make you in some way dependable on them (through money most often) until you are completely convinced that you need them in your life, that you will not be able to survive without them, that they are the only people that care about you.

This is why the idea about "Mutual Abuse" is very dangerous.

[britcision]

This is always so goddamn wild to me too because IRL… Laios is the one with privilege

I’m “autism is something only cis boys have girls are just difficult” old, I have many autistic friends across varying genders

The. Genuine speechlessness. That descends. When one of our autistic boys just says “right I’m done with people now so I’m leaving, see y’all at home”.

Little girls can’t get away with that behaviour

If you had the “girl” sticker put on you, you got a very specific kind of socialisation that told you to be considerate, polite, quiet, respectful, that you must consider the needs of everyone else around you before your own

And sure, Laios did not have an easy home life, he butted heads with his father constantly and has not been accepted because he doesn’t filter who he is

What, do people think the constant layers of filtering that Kabru, Toshiro, and Falin do are all just for fun? That it’s a cute and silly game they’re playing?

Y’all never caught yourself watering yourself down to be “acceptable” and realised how tiring that is?

Laios is (mostly) loud and proud and himself, and this has had negative consequences that he did not deserve! It’s what we should all get to be! He’s never intentionally hurt anyone and he deserves to be respected and accepted!

But getting to be that is a form of privilege, because it means you haven’t been successfully shoved into the box of other peoples’ expectations and limitations

Falin’s not quieter and more compliant because she’s less of a nasty little freak, or because “girls are naturally more nurturing” crap

She’s quieter and more compliant because kids can pick up on and internalise expectations and acceptable behaviour before they can string a sentence together

You can tell because when they’re together, she acts a lot like Laios

She’s bouncy and loud and exuberant about exactly the same things! They have the same special interest in monsters!

Falin is more socially acceptable because she has been forced to develop a mask that Laios genuinely cannot imitate, and it only looks easier for her now because she knows how to shear the bits off herself that don’t fit.

(Shuro and Kabru are definitely also more on the “I shall Analyse The Rules of successful human interactions and Master Them” side of the ‘tisms but I’m not convinced Falin is - she is however on the much more intuitive flavour of the spectrum than Laios, who is also rule oriented

This is why Marcille’s magic works better for Laios than Falin’s: Falin’s gnome magic is highly empathic and involves asking the spirits nicely

Marcille’s elf magic is about knowing exactly the conditions and measures and commanding they be met precisely

Also evident in the way they tackle problems:

Laios shuts down when he doesn’t understand the rules governing the winged lion

Falin rushes in face first fully intending to fake it til she makes it. This is why she was eaten by a dragon)

Laios is still obnoxiously himself, despite facing heavy social consequences (Shuro was his First Ever Friend) because the social consequences weren’t enough to make him scared of being himself

And he knows that. It’s gonna come up while they’re riding the trolley bus and talking about Falin. He feels guilty because he left her alone… and she’s so compliant and won’t ever do the same to him

It honestly bothers me the way people talk about Laios and Falin's autism.

Its like, they wanna act like the way they're treated differently is some "pretty privilege" and because she's a girl, but they're actually just ignoring how girls are socialized to be more socially aware, and bottle all of their "weirdness" in.

Falin doesn't have any privilege over Laios for being a cute girl or whatever. She was raised to have to acknowledge how everyone feels about her at all times, she was literally considering a joyless marriage so people wouldn't see her as "weird". post-canon Falin looks so much happier because she is now allowed to do whatever she wants, dress however she wants and go wherever she wants.

You can literally see what im talking about in the way the genderbend short shows how a female Laios would be forced to start a family and looks completely devoid of joy.

[scentedchildnacho]

Path of life staff told us a tent in the city would get us cop beat up and arrested then forced to validate the comment admitted he is a creepy private Christian and has never been to jail to say things in a flippant glib verbally abusive way

Its a private kid they deal with things clinically

Your going to have to go to the doctor if you won't stop being a weirdo that can't actually manage a behavioural situation

Electro shock your head into weird shapes it's very excruciating to avoid jail sentencing

I know it's a Guadalupe and women can be persecuted like Christ now and you don't have to have any responsibility for what ya done

I don't know about cops but it's been my experience about police violence that violence in my life from people wearing police uniforms were illegals......the police otherwise I'm not with their organization and don't know anything about their internment

They may have been more mafia types or unelecteds

I do notice violence starts to people who start treating their internment in glib humorous ways.....they have to be in the jail and they don't appreciate people who don't take their condition holocaust serious

Chinatown if they made up this fictitious company the youth would do these extraordinary things

Its all just a film

He then admitted he isn't with any government agency to be making statements he does

I like Michael ondaatje.....the kidd though was truly no good....so I also notice police are hired like asylum lobotomy victims to go at an organized crime till it's gone that though has to be weeded out

I don't know about white Africans here but it appears that white africanism in southern situations like Mississippi and Alabama are still the evils black people have complained about

And Gloria Steinem and contradiction in white theory those whites of multicultural origin are the sex slaves so it's having to be blamed for africans like Elon musk

Homosexuality my African homo other that was suppose to be like a migrational privilege that I could acclimate to appears to claim I did things it did

Elon musk though from South Africa does come off like a Russian cliche he is near some type of original computer study for his charm but as a corporate entity has no understanding of the home white cultures he references the social home and corporate are two very different cultures

Simm theory or George simmel Chicago sociology on Elon musk look at this insecure confused and defeated ego if made to truly live what white people have to do for schools here

The Africans may have next generation genetic testing so Zelda Fitzgerald I think they continue to slave other whites so we don't die of assuming privilege

This woman in natchez Mississippi told me I have a homo Caucasian who sent her to a back stab that leached out a lot of fluid around her lungs.....and this clinic not brought to justice keeps claiming I'm this creepy clinic secretary

Their Caucasians that's why we can't ever admit Starbucks is over and do new things

The Same I think white corporatists use to be Quebec.....and that was too murderous and now Africans are here to destroy it

Apartheid a Marian was seen in 1951 in South Africa and 1950s africanism appears to still influance slaughter of unprotected Christians

If your not with them then

People may attack Elon musk a lot

I've also found out times I thought cops were kind of harsh to me weren't actually about trying to arrest me but explain like this deaf boy whose mother slaughtered him in northern minnesota that if I won't stop bothering my staff that is suppose to labor me legally my owner will kill me

And that's when my owner wanted me to walk around eating fast food without a proper eye appointment and kept getting more hostile to me the more police had to confront them about it

Aids and COVID because boys are often the most extreme example of this Holocaust

I guess Chinatown areas use to be Italian areas so that's why hospitality was shown to Jews and Irish it was creepy apparently to expect habits or orientation to change quickly

1965 but they could bring indigenous peoples back from Asia and they would improve resource exchange to Europe