A Man In Pain
Fanfiction:
Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)
Note: This story is for Golden Bomber’s newest PV. The song is ... about your neck hurting. So, the story is about neck pain, too. Please, check out the video here; the song is great fun: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7CuDlJqWrc&pbjreload=10
Kiryuuin Shou was a man who knew pain.
He knew the pain of sore muscles after a concert.
He knew the pain in his throat, back when singing had become almost unbearable.
He knew the pain of lying awake at night, when falling asleep seemed impossible and the sadness overwhelming.
He knew the pain of having to pay taxes and parting with money, that he could have hoarded on his bank account otherwise.
He knew the pain of unrequited love, whenever Kyan Yutaka laughed.
The pain in his neck, however, was new.
“Argh”, he groaned and pressed a hand against his neck as if the pain was really coming from the outside and he had to shield his body from it.
“My neck is killing me”, he added and let himself sink onto the hotel bed with his face down.
He pressed it into the white linen of the pillow, aware that he would probably leave stains on it. He had removed his make-up and taken a shower already, but no matter how throughout he cleaned his face, some leftovers of concealer always remained and dirtied sheets and towels in the colour of his skin. Sometimes, Shou thought that his face had secret wrinkles and hidden creases even he didn’t know about. Sometimes, he thought that his skin was coming off.
“You probably headbanged too hard at the concert tonight”, Yutaka said.
“Probably”, Shou mumbled.
His voice got swallowed by the pillow completely and he wasn’t sure Yutaka had even heard him. He should probably lift his head. It was getting hard to breath, too. But the fabric felt cool against his face and as long as there was only darkness in front of his eyes, Shou could pretend that nothing mattered for a little while.
“Also, you are growing old”, Yutaka added.
Shou turned his head now, placing his cheek on the pillow instead. It was uncomfortable warm by now. His body and muffled breath had heat it up.
He had turned his head away from the wall, so he could watch Yutaka walking around the room. He was already in his pyjamas, his hair still slightly damp from the shower. He kept running to and fro between the small bathroom and the second bed without rhyme or reason. Not moving, Shou followed him with his eyes.
He wondered if Yutaka knew how much Shou liked to watch him when they were sharing a hotel room during the tour like this. He liked how his hair was always dripping after the shower as if he didn’t bother with a towel at all, but skipped right to the hairdryer. He liked the tapping of his bare feet on the floor, because he never used the slippers the hotel provided. He liked how the screen of his mobile lit up his profile after they had switched off the lights already.
He also wondered if Yutaka knew how much Shou’s chest hurt, when he watched him like that. It wasn’t a sharp pain like someone had stabbed him. It was the searing pain of unrequited love, as if someone had poured acid all over his ribcage, and now it was eating away his body until it would reach his heart, and once it did, Shou would dissolve completely.
Yutaka finally turned off the lights in the bathroom and walked over to the bed. Tap, tap, his bare feet went.
He sat down at the edge of the bed, eyeing Shou as if he was considering something.
“I could give you a massage”, he offered.
Shou snorted. Partly, because he did not believe that Yutaka would actually do something like that. Partly, because the thought of Yutaka’s hands on his neck, on his shoulders, on his back, made his face heat up and he wanted to cover his own embarrassment somehow.
“As if, seriously”, he said.
“No, I mean it”, Yutaka said and got up from the bed again. He seemed weirdly eager all of a sudden.
Shou stared at the window behind Yutaka. The curtain was drawn. Outside it was already dark and no light was falling in through the dark blue fabric. It looked somewhat filthy, although he could not make out any stains. He couldn’t explain where that impression was coming from.
“A massage doesn’t help against muscle aching. And if I strained it, I should favour my neck, not let you mistreat it.”
“If I’m gentle, it will help you relax”, Yutaka insisted and took a step towards Shou’s bed.
Shou was still looking past him without moving. Watching Yutaka when he was not paying attention was one thing. But when they were alone together, it sometimes felt weird to meet his eyes. Shou didn’t want him to notice that he was staring.
“You are never gentle with me”, Shou said.
“You know that’s not true”, Yutaka protested. He was speaking softly, though.
“What do you even care?”, Shou mumbled.
Yutaka had now reached the bed, putting a knee on the mattress next to Shou and pausing. It seemed as if he couldn’t decide if to get on the bed or remain standing in front of it. Now, he was frozen in the movement in between.
“I need you to stay in good shape”, Yutaka said. “We are bandmembers, remember? Your neck is important for singing. It’s not like you broke a leg. In that case, I just wouldn’t care.”
Shou chuckled and turned his head lightly. His cheek was rubbing against the pillow, his face almost buried again.
“I’ll better watch out not to break any bones again, then”, he said dryly.
“Just let me try”, Yutaka said and finally climbed on the bed. Obviously, he had made his decision.
Shou felt himself tense up, although he had already guessed Yutaka’s intention. He swung his leg to Shou’s other side, kneeling down on top of him. Shou could sense his legs pressing against either side of his hips.
Shou felt vulnerable, lying flat on his stomach with Yutaka on top of him. He didn’t feel this helpless, because of what Yutaka might do to him. He felt helpless for all the things Shou would let him do right now, if only Yutaka wanted to.
Yutaka lowered his weight, sitting down on Shou’s butt. He was heavy, but not unbearable, so he was probably relying on the strength in his legs for support. His body was warm. Shou could feel it through the fabric of his pants.
He turned his head, pressing his face into the pillow completely now. He didn’t want Yutaka to see him. He wanted his face to feel less hot. He wanted to suffocate, if the pain got too bad.
He thought of Yutaka’s crotch so close to his butt. Wondered if he would be able to feel it, if Yutaka had an erection. Knew that Yutaka didn’t have an erection. His chest hurt. Acid was eating away to his heart. Soon he would disappear. Soon, he would just stop breathing.
Yutaka placed his hands on Shou’s shoulders, his thumbs hesitantly rubbing his neck as if trying to find the hurting spot.
“There?”, he asked quietly.
In spite of the pillow that already drowned out the world around him, Shou had closed his eyes, too.
Yutaka’s hands were warm and gentle and only where he touched him, Shou felt real.
He gave a vague muttering, that could mean anything at all.
Carefully, Yutaka massaged the line of his neck, that felt tense and calloused.
Shou’s body was falling apart. Lately, he was starting to feel more and more invisible, especially when he was around Yutaka. Everyone saw him. The fans did, the haters did, the cameras did. Only Yutaka didn’t seem to notice him. He didn’t notice the way Shou’s eyes followed him through the room, nor the way he shuddered whenever Yutaka brushed against him carelessly. He was invisible to the one person that mattered and by now, Shou felt unreal. His chest was dissolving, his face was coming off.
Right now, too, his body seemed to fall away and disappear right beneath Yutaka, because he just wasn’t aware of it. Only the part of his neck that Yutaka was touching, existed. His back, that wanted to be caressed, didn’t exist. His lips, that wanted to be kissed, didn’t exist. His butt, that … well, his butt didn’t exist either. Shou’s body wasn’t real, because Yutaka wasn’t paying attention to it.
“Is it helping?”, Yutaka asked.
His neck still hurt. His chest, now, hurt, too.
“You are making it worse”, Shou pressed out.
His voice sounded hoarse to himself and at the verge of breaking. Maybe the pillow would muffle the sounds enough to hide the tears in it. Maybe Yutaka wouldn’t notice, because he could not hear Shou as well as he could not see him.
Yutaka’s hands pulled back.
Shou expected him to climb down from him now, but for a moment, Yutaka just stayed in place without touching him.
“I’m sorry”, he said. “I just wanted to try.”
“Well, it doesn’t help”, Shou announced harshly and turned his head.
He still couldn’t see Yutaka like that, but he could breath again. His voice was back under control. Shou had a lot of practice at not letting his feelings show. Too often they were alone, too often they were touching. By now, he could fall apart without anyone noticing.
“I’m sorry”, Yutaka repeated. It was rare for him to apologize so much.
His weight finally disappeared. The mattress underneath him shifted, as Yutaka climbed down from the bed.
“You should keep your neck warm, though. I think I have a scarf somewhere around here.”
“I have my own scarf”, Shou protested. “But it will be too hot.”
He closed his eyes. Right now, he couldn’t stand to watch Yutaka moving around the room. He heard his footsteps, though. Tap, tap.
“Here it is”, he called out.
“I told you, I don’t want it”, Shou said.
He realized himself that he sounded grumpy. Yutaka didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. He was just trying to be nice. But his kindness made it harder to become invisible again. Once Yutaka looked at him, Shou wanted to remain existing.
“Warmth is the best cure”, Yutaka insisted and walked over again.
He put a grey, woollen scarf around Shou’s shoulders like an additional blanket. The back of his neck felt very warm underneath.
Shou kept his eyes shut and waited for Yutaka to leave. Instead, he heard rustling next to the bed.
Blinking slowly, Shou opened his eyes again.
Yutaka had knelt down next to the end of the bed. His face was almost eyelevel with Shou now. Without moving, Shou had no other option but to stare right into his face. Yutaka’s eyes were dark. He met them rarely, nowadays.
“Is there anything else I can do?”, Yutaka asked.
It was strange to experience him that caring, but not unfamiliar. Yutaka had a caring trait about him, that he didn’t show to everyone. Shou was pretty sure, that Yutaka showed it to him most of all.
“I’ll be fine”, he said quietly.
“Are you sure?”, Yutaka inquired.
He reached out and pushed a strand of hair back behind Shou’s ear. His fingers remained lingering against Shou’s cheek for a moment.
“Sure”, Shou said.
He pressed his eyes shut again. He wanted Yutaka to leave. He wanted him to make things a little easier for Shou. He was tired of hurting all the time.
“Shou”, Yutaka said quietly and put his hand onto Shou’s shoulder for a brief moment. It sounded as if he wanted to say something else and Shou was scared that he had looked at him, that he had noticed, that he had heard. The only thing worse than being invisible to Yutaka, was being visible and rejected. He wouldn’t dissolve. He would shatter into a million little pieces and each of the shards would keep on hurting, if he didn’t manage to mend them back together. Shou wasn’t good at mending.
He kept quiet, and he kept his eyes closed and his lips pressed together.
Yutaka sighed and his hand disappeared. Shou heard him get up and return to his own bed.
“We should go to sleep, I guess”, he heard him say.
Yutaka’s voice was far away. Although he had only retreated to the other side of the room, the distance between them seemed almost unbridgeable now.
Sometimes, Shou thought that Yutaka knew. And sometimes, on very few occasions only, Shou moreover thought that Yutaka didn’t mind. Then he wondered if the insisting on a massage, if a hand on his cheek that lingered a little too long, or a scarf that was supposed to keep him warm, actually meant more. Maybe those gestures were Yutaka’s way of taking the first step.
But then Shou thought of all the things that could go wrong. Of what would happen, if the gestures weren’t gestures and they didn’t mean anything at all. He was scared of being shattered. But he was also scared of breaking up the band. He was scared of bothering Yutaka and scared of being judged by everyone. He was scared it would make work harder and he was scared of troubling the fans. If he managed to just fade away quietly, at least he wouldn’t hurt anyone but himself.
If Yutaka wanted to reach him, just taking a step wasn’t enough. He would have to come all the way. Shou was too scared to move.
“Good night”, he said.
A soft click resounded in the room, as Yutaka switched off the lights. The darkness behind Shou’s eyelids became even darker.
He wondered if Yutaka was still scrolling on his mobile. He wondered if the screen was illuminating his profile. He wondered if his lips would curl up in a smile, whenever he saw a funny post.
Shou wanted to open his eyes and check on him badly. He wanted to watch Yutaka, because that was what he always wanted to do.
To eliminate the temptation, he rolled to the side, turning his back towards Yutaka’s bed and his face towards the white wall of the hotel room.
He groaned as he moved.
Lying still, he had almost forgotten how sore the rest of his body felt. It wasn’t just the neck. It was his back, too, and his legs that felt heavy and painful. Today on stage, he had really overdone it.
“The neck?”, Yutaka asked.
“Everything”, Shou groaned. “The neck, the shoulders, the back, the arms, the legs.”
The scarf had fallen over his shoulder and was now touching Shou’s cheek. It smelled of Yutaka.
“Stay warm”, Yutaka reminded him.
“For fuck’s sake, Yutaka”, Shou called out. “Warmth doesn’t help against everything!”
The scarf in his face made him angry, but if he moved his arm, he would have to move his shoulders as well, and the pain would grow worse. But the kindness hurt, too. Yutaka’s smell all around him hurt.
“You could at least let me try to help you!”, Yutaka returned, now also raising his voice.
“You don’t know what kind of pain I’m dealing with”, Shou spit out.
He wanted to take the words back immediately, because they gave away too much. But a part of him had also wanted to get them out. A part of him had wanted to force Yutaka to finally listen. In the dark, it was easier to speak. In the dark, no one could see you anyway.
“I know”, Yutaka said, very softly.
Shou’s chest felt weird. It wasn’t hurting. It wasn’t fluttering. It was just very cold.
Yutaka wasn’t supposed to know.
“I could help with that pain, too”, he added. “But you won’t even let me close to you.”
“You are making it worse”, Shou repeated the words he had spoken earlier.
This time, even Yutaka couldn’t miss out on their true meaning.
“I could make it better, too”, Yutaka said. “If you gave me a fair chance. But you are so scared I will hurt you, that you won’t even let me try.”
Shou pressed his eyes close again. This time, it was to hold back the tears.
Too scared to move, still.
“How would you even try?”, he forced out.
His voice was even, more or less. Long practice there, too.
It wasn’t just a question. He was begging Yutaka to take another step. All of the steps, until the pain in Shou’s chest would vanish. With the right answer, it might disappear.
For a long time, there was nothing but silence.
Then Shou heard rustling from the other bed. Tap, tap. Bare feet on the floor. Hesitant steps. Several of them.
Shou’s heart beat violently.
His blanket was pulled back. The mattress sunk under additional weight. Yutaka lay down. He wrapped his arm around Shou from behind.
“I’d keep you warm”, he said.
Shou inhaled deeply. It sounded shaky.
Yutaka’s chest was resting against his back, keeping it warm. His legs were against the back of Shou’s legs, keeping them warm. His hand was pressing against his chest, slowly melting the cold away. He didn’t feel like dissolving, he didn’t feel like shattering. Held like this, his body was real and present.
“Because, you know”, Yutaka mumbled and the scarf was pulled down a little from Shou’s neck. “Warmth helps with everything.”
His lips were soft against Shou’s neck. They felt warm, too.
“Maybe it does”, Shou whispered back quietly and took Yutaka’s hand, entwining their fingers in front of his chest.
Kiryuuin Shou was a man who knew pain.
He knew the pain of having to pay taxes and parting with money, that he could have hoarded on his bank account otherwise.
He knew the pain of lying awake at night, when falling asleep seemed impossible and the sadness overwhelming.
He knew the pain in his throat, back when singing had become almost unbearable.
He knew the pain of sore muscles after a concert.
But when Kyan Yutaka held him in his arms like this, he almost didn’t hurt at all.
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Custom Re-skin of the Polaroid SX-70
by Taylor Sheppard - 6 min read
Years ago in 2016, Leica had released a limited edition camera designed in collaboration with artist and photographer — Rolf Sachs. Ever since then I’ve been in love with the black and red design, and the use of an unconventional material — like table tennis rubber on a camera. It serves both form and function, adding an aesthetic unlike any other and providing a highly functional easy-to-grip surface to hold.
Shortly after it was released, I knew I wanted to cover my own camera in table tennis rubber, and I knew the Polaroid SX-70 would be perfect.
One of the first polaroid cameras I had purchased was a Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 Model 2, and I had taken off the crumbling skin and re-covered it in black leather to create an all-black “Vader” SX-70. It has been one of the best Polaroid cameras I’ve shot with, being the most consistent and hassle-free.
Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 Model 2 specs:
Released on 8th June, 1977 — The Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 Model 2 features several upgrades from the original SX-70 model:
Flash fill capability — the ability to use flash fill in daylight shadow conditions
4-element glass lens, 116 mm, f/8-f/22
Manual distance setting
Split screen range finder circle
10.4-inch (26 cm) minimum focusing distance
Lighten / darken control setting possibility
Neck strap connectors and tripod mount
Buying old Polaroid cameras
Buying used cameras can sometimes feel like a lottery. With the age of some of the cameras and the countless number of models, you never know which ones to go for. Once you’ve found one you’re interested in, it’s hard to know if it will work 100%.
Whenever possible, I always recommend testing out the camera before buying with a spare or empty cartridge. Some things to look for are:
Does the camera eject the dark slide?
How do the motors sound?
Is there any mold or fungus in the viewfinder/lens element?
Any cosmetic damage or holes in bellows (if SX-70)?
Sometimes you aren’t able to test out the camera beforehand, which you have to take a risk on purchasing. While I don’t recommend this, if you purchase a camera that hasn’t been tested and is listed as “as-is,” you can sometimes get a deal on the camera if it does work.
My recommended places to purchase cameras are:
Local Classifieds (Kijiji, Facebook Marketplace, Craigslist)
Ebay
Thrift Stores
Garage Sales
Re-skinning the Polaroid SX-70
Before you start, you’ll need some tools:
Paint Scraper
Hairdryer
Goo Gone
Paper Towel
Xacto Knife
Sharpie — Thin
Printable Cardstock
I’ll be recovering my camera in table tennis rubber, and it doesn’t come applied with adhesive so I had to pick up some adhesive sheets from Michaels also. I chose adhesive sheets vs a spray or liquid to avoid filling the different holes on the body, and if I ever had to remove the covering the layer of adhesive would be easier to remove than a spray or liquid adhesive. Adhesion may be sacrificed based on what you use, but the sheets are working okay for now.
Step 1 — Removing the leather
Using the hair dryer on the high setting, heat up the leather one section at a time. Next, using the paint scraper at a low angle scrape pieces away. If the leather is still in decent condition, you may be able to lift and pull it off in one piece.
Once you have one section removed, wet the paper towel with the Goo Gone and rub the remaining residue off the camera.
*Note — NEVER use acetone to remove the residue, as it will eat the plastic finish on the camera. “Goo Gone” works best for removing this adhesive for some reason.
As you remove the leather, you may find chalk marks on the body of the camera. These were written on the pieces during the manufacturing process.
Once you get to the back, things will have gotten quite messy. Depending on the blog you read, some will tell you to tape up all the seams and holes of the camera to avoid getting dust and grim inside the camera. I haven’t found it super necessary as long as you’re careful. After I started, I did tape up the back seam when I was removing the thick hard layer of yellowed glue on the back part.
Once you have all the leather off from both sides, give it one more once over with the Goo Gone and Rubbing Alcohol to clean up the last of the mess.
Step 2 — Tracing the pattern
Thanks to sdzn.ch of polaroid-passion.com for producing the fantastic pattern that I used to trace out on the rubber.
Once downloaded, print out the pattern on some cardstock at 100% and then use an Xacto knife to cut out the pattern.
Then, take the cut pieces and trace it onto the material you’ll be using.
With the table tennis rubber, I tried tracing it onto the back but it was too hard to cut out — so I flipped it over and traced it on the front pips.
Once all the pieces are traced, it’s time to cut them out with the Xacto knife.
Depending on what material you’re using it may be easier or hard to cut out, the table tennis rubber was quite hard to cut and you had to go quite slow to get a nice straight trim.
Test fitting one of the cut pieces
Sept 3 — Sticking the rubber to the camera
This is where you’ll need the adhesive sheets. I had purchased some at Michaels that were a bit smaller than I would have liked, so I had to use a couple sheets to fit all the pieces.
In hindsight, I should have stuck the adhesive sheets to the rubber before I cut the pieces out, but I was able to cut pretty close to the rubber so it turned out okay.
Once all the pieces are cut out, give the camera body a once-over with rubbing alcohol to remove any oils from your hands that may be on the camera.
Piece by piece, remove the backing on the adhesive sheet and carefully place the pieces on the camera. There’s no tips for this process, take it slow and make sure to line up the edges.
And that’s it! You’ll have a fresh new skin on your Polaroid SX-70 of whatever material you used.
Overall, I’m happy with how the table tennis rubber looks and feels. It took a long time to locate some long pips-out rubber online at a low cost (since I’m only covering a camera with it), but it’s been well worth the wait.
I can’t wait to get out with this camera.
Happy shooting!
-
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- Taylor Sheppard
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