#you guys want people to be held accountable and to admit their wrongs

[demonic-shadowlucifer]

people will literally see certain posts talking about how being a bad person doesn't mean you aren't redeemable and that you can still change and will immediately assume it's abuse apologism. you can make a post saying "abusive does not mean the same as irredeemable. there's still a chance to redeem yourself and reevaluate your wrongs and fix them. if you were abusive in the past, don't expect others to forgive you, try to forgive yourself".

and people will respond "so we shouldn't hold abusers and rapists accountable? so we HAVE to forgive our abusers no matter what???" like... no? that's not what we're saying? that's an entirely different sentence. congrats. you missed the entire fucking point.

--a fed up individual who has survived abuse in the past

[baby-tini]

do you have a part 2 of where Mikey is cheating?

I do now ❤️

TW- Yandere-ish behaviour, a bit of victim blaming, implied murder, slightly detailed scene of murder, violent behaviour, implication of past cheating.

Mikey was a mess ever since you left, he knows he brought it on himself by cheating, but he was still angry. He missed you deeply, thought about you every night and everyday, you were his first thought when he woke up, and his first thought when he went to bed. You were- are his everything, in his head, you're still his, and nothing is ever gonna change that- nothing. You guys are just... on a little break, that's all. You didn't actually wanna leave, you didn't actually mean it when you said, you never wanted too see him again... right? You couldn't possibly mean that, after all you guys have been through together? You can't be serious, there's no way. So he let you have your little break, even if your absence clawed at him every minute of everyday, but when you didn't... it all kinda went down hill from there, even more so then normal.

It took awhile for him too track you down, longer then he was comfortable with or even, willing too admit. You're everything to him, the reason he even still gets up in the mornings, so, when you left his life,it affected him more then everything else ever has. He was so irritated, taking it out on traitors, torching them slowly as he deflected his emotional pain into physical on the people who have done him wrong. When he finally found you though, or, rather his men found you, his heart started too hurt. He's never been so happy in his life, having heard the news of your exact whereabouts, it pleased him greatly, his eyes even have a little bit of life back in them. He found you living in a tiny little apartment on the outskirts of Tokyo, it was quiet- peaceful even, something his lifestyle greatly lacked.

He contemplated whether or not too just knock on the door... or just break in. But, he ultimately decided too just knock for now and if that didn't work for him, he'd have no problem forcing his way in. You were glowing when you opened that door, looking content- happy even, but the way your smile dropped and the look of delight turned to dread, it hurt, it hurt him so fucking much to the point he almost toppled over. But he held it together, his eyes almost pleading as he whispered your name, it almost sounding foreign with how long it's lacked coming from his lips. But it felt re-freshing on his tongue, like a shred of hope as you stepped aside and let him in. Although hesitant, as your steps lacked genuine want, looking more forced, knowing who exactly this man was and what he was capable of.

It was quiet for a while, as you both sat on your couch, the silence feeling awkward and heavy as you tried your best too avoid eye contact with him. The action feeling too intimate knowing what he did and the way you left, it might've not been the best decision or the best way too leave, but you didn't really have any other option, knowing it would, most likely, start a big fight that you really didn't feel like dealing with at the time. Or the worse option, he didn't care at all and would just let you leave, that would've hurt a lot more then just leaving it up in the air, but with him being here, you were betting on the former being the more obvious situation if you were too have confront him and try too leave at the time, also taking into account that Mikey isn't the most stable, and that would've most likely pushed him off the deep end and would've led to worse consequences for you then just being homeless for a while before you were able too get a shitty job as a waitress and live in a tiny apartment.

"I'm... sorry for what I did.." were the first words he chose too spoke, the first words you've heard from him in months. You knew he was sorry, his presence at the apartment told you all you needed too know, but you also knew that you didn't have too forgive him for what he did to you, you put up with a lot of his bullshit, let him get in your face and call you ugly names or let him get violent with men when they, very stupidly, thought it would be okay too eye-fuck their bosses girl. Watched him beat a man within an inch of his life as soon as his disgusting hands layed a slap to your ass, with a nasty smirk, you've never seen Mikey move so fast in your life, a kick to the man stomach as he beat him bloody, black and blue. Having replayed the mans screams in your head as begged and pleaded with Mikey too not kill him, that he was sorry, you know the man wasn't sorry for what he had done, only sorry that the consequences were so dire for him. That was the first and only time you've watched Mikey kill a man, he kept you locked away for weeks- months after that... incident.

You decided too keep quiet, which was a big mistake on your part cause it only made Mikey inch closer to you on the already small couch. His hands grabbing at your shaky ones, pulling them up to his lips as he left the softest kisses on the backs of them with the whisper of, "let me make it up to you, please?" You wanted him too, you really did, you missed when he was soft with you, although very rarely, he still was willing too show vulnerability. Your head was already clouded not having fully processed the whole infidelity on his part, but you did miss him and with his appearance at your apartment causing a wave of emotion too bubble in your chest and tear ducts, you did, you let him take care of you again. Just hoping and praying that you wouldn't regret everything when your head was a little bit clearer and your arms weren't wanting too constantly reach out and hug him, when your heart wasn't constantly begging you too let him touch you again, too take you again and have you so vulnerable under him as he whispered, hopefully, long-lasting promises in your ear.

So you did, you let him lay your back on that rough, uncomfortable couch as he left kisses on your face, leading down your neck and turning into love marks. Leaving spit-covered kisses down your chest as he hiked your leg over his waist, kissing underneath your ear as he whispered just how sorry he was to you, promising he'd never he look at another woman again, that what he did was a one-time stupid mistake. Whispering about, how it took him losing you too realise just how perfect you were, how rare you were too continuously stay by his side, too pledge your loyalty to such a bad man, such as his self- a monster. To a man who has taken more then he has ever given in his entire life, he knows that you're special, special to him, but just special in general. Letting him have- letting him take you in a place you now called home, knowing what he's done, he was selfish, he knows that, but he's done with it, now that he has you back in his arms, he's never letting you go again. Over his dead body- or, more like the dead body of the woman he had sex with, that led you both to this moment, no more.

[valzhanginator]

calypso having an emotion-centered character and being viewed & getting treated as the ‘evil woman’ is actually a reflection of how every woman's emotions are villainized when they’re shown vividly and are a main part of their character in popular media.

in general media and riordanverse specifically, women with emotions are always looked down upon because showing emotions is regarded as a dramatic act so when a female character shows and acts on their emotiotions they get degraded and instantly despised because of it. this is done with every single female character while male characters who show emotion are treated like saints and found worthy of self redemption. this happened with annabeth when she didn’t want to believe luke was the bad guy and wanted to try bring him back because she was manipulated by him her entire life, meanwhile luke, who did batshit crimes like causing hundreds of innocent deaths, manipulating little girls by flirting with them, admitting his crush to a 16 year-old at his ripe age of 23, is remembered as a hero and considered ‘redeemed himself’ after sacrificing himself while annabeth was called insufferable when she didn’t believe he was evil in the first place. let’s not forget piper, who’s a lesbian that was forced into a relationship with a man by a goddess and thought she was in the wrong for not feeling right with jason. during the entire relationship she was experiencing a very hard comphet and couldn’t figure herself out because of the fake memories, everybody was bashing her when she was acting confused, when she was, in fact confused. i have a longer post about this specific topic, so if you guys wanna check it out it’s right here. 

 coming back to calypso, first we need to clear out the misconceptions about her curse on percy that affected annabeth. she wasn't blind nor was personally attacking annabeth, her curse was to make someone feel like how she was feeling all time and that’s why percy and annabeth couldn’t reach out to one another while being right next to each other. annabeth’s blindness came from the titan she defeated in the sea of monsters and is actually the first curse to be put by the arai on them, so it has nothing to do with calypso. the curse was affecting annabeth because she happened to be the person percy loved and was right next to him. if percy was there alone either percy would feel alone and abandoned or the curse wouldn’t affect him at all, since there’s no person he can go back to save. and the curse itself wasn’t even a death wish type of curse she just wanted to be heard, be acknowledged and wanted free off her island. not to forget the curse wasn't harming or killing any of them yet it’s still demonized more than by literally every other thing that happened in the books. nothing luke has ever done is seen as evil as her curse just because it was by her and i’m pretty positive if something like this was shown in pjo by luke it would be glossed over and romanticized in the fandom. further proof of how a male character's actions get brushed off and forgiven easily but soon a female character does something even slightly questionable they get villainized on the spot.

she is also despised because she doesn't let everyone's favorite man get away with his misogynistic stuff. calypso doesn't treat leo any worse than he treats her. whenever she starts arguing it is a response to something leo has said or done, which in the most case she's in the right but leo gets so much slack from his past and being fandom favorite to be held accountable for the way he treats people. he's always been written as a misogynist, he never treated any women with any respect. he always had some sort of disrespect for every female character he seems have some sort of closure with like piper, hazel, calypso, the list goes on, but yet calypso is always expected to be more 'tolerable and understanding' bc of his trauma, as if every single character in the series isn't written upon a single trauma they had and have their character built on it. and he always had a problem dealing with others and their emotions and instead of expecting him to be working to change that, calypso is expected to adjust his manners.

oddly enough, she's also expected to show some gratitude towards leo for saving her, when she never asked him to do so and not for a second believed that he was actually going to come back when he said he would. is she grateful that he came back and freed her? yes. should she feel any obligations to make him feel greater because of it? NO. everything leo did for calypso was his and only his choice and nobody else's. calypso is happy that he did so, but expecting her to tolarate every single thing he does solely because of that is wrong.

[meowmeowriley]

Anybody else see that art on Twitter of Soap as an Animal Crossing villager, and then the other art of that Soap sitting on Doom Guy Ghost's shoulder? Anybody else feeling so incredibly normal about it? Anyway. Have this.

***

"C'mon uncle John, would it kill you to smile? Pretend you wanna be here?" Soap was doing his best, he really was. He loved his nephew, and when his sister Isla said he couldn't go to the convention because it was too far away and he didn't have an adult, well what are uncles for?! But he hadn't taken into account that 1) he's never been to a cosplay convention and 2) he's seriously out of his depth when it comes to the colorful characters around them. If anyone asked he'd be mortified to admit that he'd spent the better part of his leave following his nephew around, taking pictures of him with characters from various video games and anime. No, he'd be keeping this experience to himself.

"I'm not not enjoying myself." Andrew rolled his eyes. "I just don't know any of the characters. I haven't played a video game in ages, and I've never watched anime." Plenty of other soldiers did watch anime, and there was nothing wrong with that, he'd just never joined in.

Andy snorted. "What was the last game you played, old man?" Soap resented that. He wasn't even thirty yet.

"I dunno, Halo maybe?"

"The original?!"

"Think so." Soap said with a shrug.

"So the year I was born. Got it." Yikes.

Suddenly Andy was excitedly pointing at a large man in green and gray armor, in the middle of a crown. "Oh you have to recognize that guy!" And did he ever. How could anyone not recognize Doom Guy? And he was holding the BFG.

"Ohhhohohoho yeah. I know Doom Guy." John had nearly forgotten how much he'd loved the Doom games as a kid. "And before you say it, those games are old, even for me."

"They redid the games in 2016 and 2020. It's relevant again." Oh. And with that Soap was once again being dragged toward some random person in a costume.

Something this guy was getting right was that he wasn't speaking. He'd nod, wave, aim his gun, but he didn't utter a word. Soap couldn't see a thing through the helmet visor. I wonder if he can even see outta that?

The guy caught sight of them, evidently he could see, and tilted his head while looking down at Soap. "That things pure dead brilliant." He found himself marveling at the BFG in the man's armored hands.

It looked like it was actually made of metal. And it actually glowed! How the man had gotten the green lights to work, he was dying to know. Trying to configure it in his head, he nearly missed when the man held it out slightly for him. "Can I?" He asked, just making sure. Oh he'd kill for something like this in the field. Pure devastation. Doom Guy nodded and John took the gun. Holding it, it was a hell of a lot lighter than he'd imagined. The fuck is this thing made of?

Andy popped up beside him. "Can we get a picture with you mate?" To that, Doom Guy nodded. Maybe Soap would tell people he'd been here, he wanted a picture of him holding this gun hung up at his desk.

Andy backed up, people kindly stayed out of the way as the picture was taken. Doom Guy posed, crossing his arms over his massive chest. Soap held the gun as best he could like he would a rifle. Not aimed at anyone, but ready. "We're good." Andy called. Doom Guy  held up his hand to stop him, then stuck out one finger and swirled his hand around. "Huh?" Andy thought for a moment. "Another?" Doom Guy nodded and gave a thumbs up. Really taking his character seriously. Who were they to deny him, this was cool as fuck. Soap readied himself to take the next picture, giving the camera a feral grin, just like the first, when Doom Guy placed a hand on his shoulder and leaned down.

"Enjoying the convention Johnny?" Startled at the use of his name that he knew he hadn't given the man, he whipped around, instinctively pointing the gun in his hands at the chest of the other man.

Then it dawned on him. "Ghost?!" He asked incredulously. There's no fucking way.

The man in question began laughing. He reached up and removed his helmet. Shaking his head, Ghost's messy, dark blonde hair flew in every direction.

Unlike Las Almas, he wasn't drenched in sweat, there was no grease paint, and light brown hair was longer and curled slightly. Shit he had freckles. Shit he was cute. Dangerous thoughts, John.

"I didn't think this was your kinda thing, Johnny." Ghost said with a crooked grin that perfectly framed his crooked teeth.

John was no saint. He'd been flirting with Ghost since they met. Secretly really wanted to have sex with him, but he'd only seen the man's face that one time, and now his mind was going a million kilometers an hour trying to take in every inch on display. Thoughts both pure and impure ran through his head, and the only thing that managed to make its way to his mouth was "Where'd you get this thing?" Normally he was a better flirt, but normally he was flirting with the visage of death. Not a pretty man with freckles. Well he was, but not really.

"I made it." Ghost shrugged, armor clacking as his shoulders rose and fell. "Same as the suit. It's all EVA foam and 3D printing."

"You made this?!"

"Yeah? I made my masks too. What, you think I bought those?" Ghost smirked.

Andy had jogged back over. "I took a video, so we could take screenshots." He handed the phone over to Ghost.

"I'm absolutely keeping this, Johnny." He said as he typed in his number and sent the video to himself. Damn, Andy got Ghost's number before he did.

"Johnny?"

"Shut it, Andy." He warned. "We work together. Never in a million years thought I'd see him out here though."

"I go to any convention I can make. It's fun. I have other suits. Isaac Clark from Deadspace, Master Chief from Halo. I like to wear them and make people smile. I don't get to do that often." He seemed lost in thought for a second, face darkening. Just as quickly as it had happened, the expression was gone. "You go to conventions often?"

"First one. But I could be persuaded to go to more." John smiled his best flirty smile. Andy snickered, and earned himself an elbow to the ribs.

***

Now I desperately wanna see Soap at a con dressed like Isabelle while holding the super shotgun.

[anneboleyns-wife]

Guys, I feel the need to say these because there are some ppl who sympathetize a certain antagonist so much that they put the blame on other characters.

1. Lucifer destroyed humanity for "shits and giggles".

First of all, this statement is so fucking stupid. Did we watch the same show? Lucifer gave the apple to Eve to share the gift of free-will to her. Even if let's say the book at the start is completely wrong, the way Lucifer behaves shows that he does regret what he did. If he truly wanted to destroy humanity because he was "jealous" or fuck it, even "bored" why would he regret it?

He destroyed God's plans and if he truly wanted to do that, why would he say "These sinners are using the gift I gave them wrong." ? This alone shows that what Lucifer did was a mistake on his part. A big mistake, but you can't look me in the eye and tell me that it was okay to send him down to Hell for an whole eternity?

Trust me when I say this, if Lucifer knew that the apple contained Roo he wouldn't even give the apple. His thought process was "If I give this apple to Eve, she will be free and choose for herself." I am stand by this fact, Lucifer did not have ulterior motives with the whole apple incident.

Now, some might say "He is putting on an act in front Charlie!". And you abse this on what? He genuinely sounded sorry, and during the More than Anything song, he said "I don't want you to be crushed by them like I was.". If this isn't enough proof that he isn't in fact putting on an act, I don't know what to tell you. He is scared of Heaven, he is fucking traumatized and it surprises me to see so many people putting all the blame on him.

2. Adam is Innocent and Got Wronged by Women

This is just victim blaming. Again there is no proof that Adam wasn't abusive, the way he acts in the series just shows us that he is misogynistic and a jerk. He was a victim of the system too I'll admit. And I personally believe that only Eve ate the apple because why wouldn't the book at the start of ep 1 mention it?

He was spoiled by Heaven and he was never held accountable for his actions. Heaven never tried to fix his behavior, they just changed things up to appease him, which caused him to become a narcissist. We have no proof that Adam wasn't a toxic husband towards Lilith and by saying that it's Lilith's fault that Adam ended up like this is a wrong statement. It's just pure victim blaming.

You may think that Lilith won't be a good person, but again we don't have a proof of that! We aren't even sure that the woman on the beach is Lilith (there is like a lot of appearance differences between the Lilith we saw on the beach and the Lilith we saw on the family pictures).

. Conclusion

Hazbin is loosely based off of the bible. You can go ahead and create AUs where Lucifer is the bad guy, but I personally think that Lucifer has better morals than Adam. (Plus, Lucifer is Viv's favorite if you need a reminder) So I don't think there is gonna be a wild plot twist about the book at the start (at least for Lucifer's part.) Thank you all for reading this.

[luna-loveboop]

Wild's apology

Since I really love proper apologies and taking account for actions, I MUST rant about Wild's apology because there are so many details making it... good. Just good.

First panel face, he looks uncertain. Hyrule said the little guy wanted to talk to him, but he doesn't know if it's only one little guy

We have the best opening line we all love, hoping he can imitate Zelda's diplomacy. Wild did not- his apologizing varied wildly from Zelda's, and I think that's a really good thing

His Zelda's diplomacy is a royal style, seen in totk memories. When diplomatic, she uses formal words and straight posture, with her hands at her side or clasped in front. She doesn't need to say it's formal, since that's assumed. Wild did not imitate her exact style, but he kept the end goal of peace.

This whole first panel with him showing such tension, hoping with all his might it goes well, resolving to act the best he can to fix it... yes

There's something really telling about Wild's face walking in. He looks angry. With everything we've seen of his actions after twilight was injured, it's clear by now that when Wild's scared, it comes out as anger. All the previous yelling was because he was scared.

Since Wild's face looks angry walking in, after deciding to imitate diplomacy? I think he was terrified.

One thing I love watching in people is how much the smallest body parts can show their thoughts. Hands can tell a lot about how someone's feeling. When Wild starts talking to Four, his hands show he's being open.

Arms down at his side, palms up and hand reaching out. That hand and arm position shows vulnerability- he's literally opening his body to be open in his words and feelings.

And he's says "I know why you wanted to see me", which, well

lol

Still, he came in immediately speaking to work to patch things up. The words "I'm ashamed"... admitting you're wrong is hard. Even harder is discussing the feelings that come with it.

Moving on, Wild's moving ahead to apologizing.

Wild is not royalty, and neither is four. Truly imitating Zelda's diplomacy with royal posture and attitude would have been weird. What they are is warriors, comrades who win battles together. And four works with the captain, who certainly sets an example of military respect. This is where him not exactly imitating Zelda's diplomacy is better, since he is not a princess.

He's a soldier in this moment. We don't know how much he remembers of his initial knighthood, but his soldier diplomacy kicked in here. He's basically standing at attention in the side view. Four is much shorter than him, but his straight posture and forward facing head (not looking down) shows absolute respect regardless of height. He outright states it's a formal apology.

Awesome. It's not polished or perfect, there was a pause before the rather awkwardly phrased statement about initiating. But awkwardness makes it real. His face still looks fairly angry here! I still interpret it as fear.

His hands are straight at his side, then formally on his chest. He can't be the perfect knight anymore- instead he's awkward and unpolished. But he's doing diplomacy the best he knows how, even if four absolutely did not care about a formal tone.

Moving on! Four's listening.

Wild loosens up here. There's only so long our wild child can be formal, so he's not unnaturally pausing and trying to phrase things formally anymore

Hand placement: the hand behind the head is the Link pose we all know, where apparently it's a part of the hero's spirit when feeling awkward.

His hand goes from behind his head to held up in the air when saying "look, I'm sorry for shoving ya" I honestly like to think of this as pulling the apology from behind his head lol. Thinking for words "now where did I put that apology?" Finds it and holds it up "look! I'm sorry. It was just in the back of my mind."

His hand then goes down to his side, and he's open again. Palm out, he's putting him out there.

His word choice matters. "ya"

"Honestly, that warranted an all out brawl" ... good. He's saying his actions were wrong- that he deserved anger towards him. Saying "all out brawl" validates fours actions. It warranted an all out brawl... that says that to wild, what four did was ok. All of it sucked, but it's ok.

My favourite line. "Thanks for going easy on me." It's important in so many ways for humility, showing respect, and how four could have done more, blah blah blah anyways I like it because I can imagine he says that and then the purple part of four just grins like "yeah I totally could have beat you up glad we're clear on that". I mean Four has done nothing but manically cackle when someone mentions his secret, so I think he probably had a devilish grin inside when Wild said thanks for going easy on me.

It's an apology and it's awkward! Awkward pauses, awkward faces. Hand behind the head, "ya". It was awkward. He kept going, showed sincerity. He struggled ahead, forging his way through (no pun intended), because it. Matters. To. Him. Being a person who can take responsibility is great and he cares about it. But the real reason is because four matters to him, and they have come so far. The amount of care it takes to just keep going until it's resolved shows a gold heart.

There's one of my favourite parallels between this update and a previous one in his explanation after apology. In his explanations... his face is the same.

And this gets me so much. Look at this guy and his past. He was a perfect silent knight. Losing his cool or expressing emotion or fears was not even an option. And now he can mess up- which is terrifying. But look at how vulnerable his face is, how much he's allowing himself to feel in order to properly express his want to fix things.

And then he offers four his hand. If offering someone your hand and taking it isn't the sincerest form of love... this is so sweet. His face is so open, really wanting to (re)connect with four.

They shake hands and the apologies are over, they move on to shiny metal. "Oh."

And overall this is incredible. People can admit they're wrong and apologize, anyone can say words. But to have facial expressions, posture all the way to hands, and connotations of words all showing honest sincerity is far more than most can ever hope for.

There's my favourite parallel in the progression in this update, the two times they took hands.

The first time is Wild offering his hand after apologizing, and this is where we get the last remnants of a formal soldier apology. Standing straight, arms straight towards each other.

Later on they take hands again, this time as friends connecting beyond making up.

...

Making mistakes and hurting people doesn't make someone unlovable. Working to fix your mistakes makes someone lovely.

[ceo-of-stealing-ur-fucking-teeth]

CW: Transphobia, abuse, violence, misogyny

Had a cis guy screaming at me recently about how in order to be a ‘man’ I couldn’t be asexual. I had to be violent. I had to fuck and fight. I had to be okay with rape jokes and racism and homophobia because that’s ‘how guys act.’

He has a girlfriend. A girlfriend he’s admitted that he’s manipulated into doing things, in front of her, in front of her friends.

He didn’t like me calling him out on his shit because they never fucking do. Men like these realize deep down that what they say and do is wrong and harmful. They just choose not to fix it because they benefit from being bullies. They get acceptance from their other shitty peers when they reinforce their bullshit, and they can’t stand when people threaten to take that away from them. It’s reinforced by society, by their parents, by teachers, bosses, coworkers, friends. It’s reinforced by people who may not agree with them but won’t call them out.

They like power. Even if it’s a little bit. And they see someone like me, a trans guy, a feminist and someone who actually is trying to do the work to be a better person and a good man as a threat to that. A little conversation with my friends about how I hope I get a beard when I start T set him off like a toddler told he wasn’t allowed to watch anymore Teletubbies. And being held accountable is the last thing they want, but something they desperately need.

And what they need most, is consequences.

Call them out. If you are a man, and you think you’re an ally, a good person, anything like that, call them the fuck out. Don’t validate them. Don’t give them social good boy points. I, a trans guy, was in a situation where I had an angry screaming cis guy in my face trying to goad me into a fight all because I challenge his world view just by existing. I was actually afraid he was going to assault me, but apparently I have bigger balls than most of the cis guys in my life because I stood my fucking ground up until i decided it would be better for me to leave. Because he clearly wanted something from me, and I sure as fuck wasn’t gonna give it to him.

If you’re worried about losing friends, they weren’t good friends to begin with if they look at the women, femmes and queer people in the world, in your life, in their lives, and still think that any of their behaviour is acceptable on the surface level. Take out the trash. I’m done being polite, and the rest of us are getting pretty fed up too.

[a-tale-of-legends]

Friendship HC's for team star?

Oooooh a fun one. These are going to be very all over the place, so bare with me here.

The only reason that Giacomo is as passionate as he is about music as he is today is thanks to Mela and Eri. The two girls have been super supportive of his passion, which at the time he was very embarrassed about. Eri especially, who didn't really look at Giacomo's past and shame him for it. Mela's bluntness pretty much made Giacomo really think about himself, and who he really wants to be. Of course Atticus and Ortega are just as supportive of him as the girls, but those two were the bigger ones that pushed him forward. Though, I totally see Atticus helping Gia with his hair lol.

Surprisingly no one, Eri is the mom friend of the group. She looks after everyone and makes sure their needs are taken into account. That being said, team stars( both the bosses and the grunts) all do their best to make sure she's taken care of too. They have forced her to sit down and let them handle any heavy lifting or general labor, just so she doesn't overwork herself. She appreciates them for that, but that does not stop her worrying. They.... aren't exactly the strongest bunch ( physically I mean). Oh, and her and Giacomo are the ultimate planner duo. Eri's kind nature + Giacomo's tendency to overthink equals they will have almost everyone's own taste/likes-dislikes taken into account. ( Eri also makes sure Giacomo doesn't panic so much during that process. He looks cool calm and collected, but he gets really anxious at the chance of doing something wrong, again).

I hc that Ortega wears gloves pretty much 24/7, for a multitude of reasons, one of them being he's pretty sensitive to different textures. So when making the outfits for Team Star, Atticus worked closely with him to figure out what type of fabric he likes ( both for his gloves and the general outfit), and make the clothes with said fabric. Ortega actually paid for all the material for the team Star outfits really. He likes to go on Eri's shoulders. He likes feeling tall :3. Much like Mela, he's pretty blunt and can go feral cat mode if he wants to. He is a Menace and Eri has held him like an angry cat multiple times. He and Mela have the greatest banter btw. Just *chef kiss*. Mela does push him to be more independent though, which he's not totally used to coming from a rich family, but is still appreciative of it. Won't admit this outloud though, he will never hear the end of it.

In general, Mela let's get guard down more around team Star, but Atticus and Eri is where she's more Soft™. Atticus and her are makeup buddies, Atticus letting Mela rant if she needs to. Mela, next to Ortega, are the most likely to start a fight if someone talks ill about her friends. Pray that she doesn't hear you talk about Atticus in any negative way. Though Atticus does think it's sweet, he doesn't really care anymore. Words hurt, yes, but he's the happiest he's ever been, he loves what he's doing, he has amazing friends. So what people think he's weird. From his point of view everyone is, and it's really nothing to write home about. So Mela doesn't get into verbal confrontations about snide remarks about Atticus anymore. She will give the person a mean death glare though. That usually shuts them up. Anyway, back to Atticus, he actually knows sign language, and taught the others it. Eri and him train together, though Atticus is more about dexterity than strength. Either way, they have fun together. They like to call their training sessions together as a " training montage".

Everyone likes to joke about how Giacomo is honestly Just A Guy, mainly due to his chill nature. He takes offense to this. He worked very hard on his image you know! He is not just some guy!!! ( Really, he thinks it's funny. Low-key grounds him a bit, oddly enough).

Okay I think that's everyone.....nah I'm kidding.

To say that Penny was nervous actually hanging out with Team Star irl was an understatement. Girl was terrified. Despite their warm introductions before, she still couldn't help but worry about them seeing her. Everyday. It's nerve was nerve wracking. In a way it made her feel bad, since she's used to hanging out with Nemona and Arven ( and protag/ocs), but the people she knew for longer? It terrified her. The bosses took note of this right away though, and did their best to ease her in, as if she's meeting them for the first time. Eventually, and rather quickly, she just. Melted into the group like she did before. Her room is already crowded as is ( something that Eri is very concerned about) so they can't always just hang out in her room....so they do in Gia's, who's the cleanest of the bunch. It sometimes amazes penny how easily they all talk to each other, how much they make each other laugh despite being so different. But she's not too surprised. Their misfits who stick together. She doesn't say this much, she always gets embarrassed, but she's forever grateful to have team Star in her life <3.

[formulatrash]

The "I stand with my cancelled wife" jokes are just as funny as the driver's misogynistic jokes too (meaning not funny at all). Big difference between saying that when a driver is being "cancelled"/hated on for some on-track incident versus when they've actually said/done something wrong personally and should be held accountable. (This obviously isn't directed at you personally, but God I'm trying so hard to be patient with some of my Ricciardo-supporting mutuals and friends right now but like .... seriously. Do parasocial relationships go so deep that we're condoning and defending misogyny now)

look, there are many times Lewis has done shit where I've been like jesus christ bloke stop it. and I have been a Lewis stan since he was in British F4. right now there are multiple things I want to shake him about but I also appreciate he is just his own problematic little guy and my love for him can't control that.

sometimes you have to admit your faves are not the perfect daddies fanfic makes them. that's the point of rpf - it's fiction. there feels like there's been a huge line crossed where the idea of some drivers has become more cannon than what they actually are.

wouldn't it be nice if the tattooed, wise (??), 34 year old was a great daddy. he err, isn't. he's dating someone much younger and who is also singularly immersed in motorsport. that's not a judgement call - I just think people need to be realistic about who these boys date and it's a pool of like 15 girls in Monaco and maybe a few other models. sorry to ruin your reader x driver fic but they're uhhhhh deeply basic.

[mistymeow69]

Hey guys. Thought I should make one last post before I depart!

In short, I'm not necessarily leaving tumblr, but I'm leaving the radqueer community, which this blog was originally used for.

I will have another one, but I'm not going to share it. I'd like to forget about everything that happened on here.

I recognize I made so many wrongdoings on here, and I regret them deeply. I want to grow and move on as a person from the things I interacted with and supported. I want to laugh at this in the future.

I joined some horrible communities, I stood alongside people who defended things like ped/ophi/lia and inc/est and convinced me it was all normal. I even started darkshipping again, which has been something I've been desperately trying to pull away from for so long, I know it's wrong but I keep going back to it. With the people on here telling me that not only was it fine, it was fine in real life too, they only made the situation worse.

I still identify as profiction. But through my experiences, I am aware of the damage consuming that kind of media can cause to you. I always told myself I would never support those things in real life, and yet, one thing led to another, and I was defending them too. I am profic as in I can just click off of fiction if I don't like it, since it's not real. I now have the maturity to do so, unlike before.

I am so, incredibly lucky that I did not fall victim to gro/oming or anything of the sort during my time here. My heart goes out to all of those who weren't as fortunate as me, and I'm sorry for standing alongside your abu/sers.

I guess I just really wanted a community. I still identify as transrace, and support some specific transids. But I'm going to keep that part of me hidden from now on. Because if this is what the community has exposed me to, maybe it would be better to keep those things to myself and the people closest to me.

I'm not going to pretend like I'm entirely a victim. I do believe making this account was a mistake, and the people who promoted those things should be held accountable, but I too was exposing myself to them. I did not take breaks. I kept interacting and falling deeper and deeper into the hole of the radqueer community. Eventually it just went too far.

The only reason I came here in the first place was because I just wanted a community of transrace people. It made me feel less alone, it had a nice format and there were so many people just like me. So, I felt inclined to support those I did not understand, just like how I wanted to be supported. But I should've listened to my common sense.

I mean, I even got called a terf on here for saying people shouldn't identify as transst/alked and things like that. That should've been my sign that, well, to put it bluntly, a lot of you are crazy.

I am underage and should not have been interacting with 18+ communities. And I especially should not have been supporting such harmful ones. I regret letting people tell me their disgusting fantasies and then convincing myself it was okay.

This app really messed me up for a while, honestly. I felt like preda/tors were oppressed. I felt like it was fine for people to identify as anything. I felt like discussions between zooph/iles and what animals they wanted to abu/se were normal. I even tried to force myself to be part of those communities.

I'm honestly glad this app gave me perspective. But I'm more glad that I'm leaving. I'm sorry if this makes no sense and is poorly worded.. If you are struggling with mental health and intrusive thoughts, please seek out help, whether it be through confiding in a friend, talking to a crisis hotline, getting into therapy, or even admitting yourself to a mental hospital. There's nothing shameful about it. You are not alone. But the communities you think are supporting you are only bringing you down.

Don't do something you'll regret. Don't destroy yourself. It's not too late. Your feelings are not your fault, you do not have to view paraph/ilias as a quirk in order to accept yourself. Because you did not choose to be this way. Again, there's no shame in seeking help. It's the best thing you can do, to cause the least harm to yourself and others.

I really wish this community hadn't been so horrible. I felt so great for a while. I finally felt like I wasn't alone. But it just went too far. And now I have to start all over, I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept myself as transrace again, if this is what it's associated with. But I know I will NEVER join the radqueer community again. I will not harass people in it, because I am a normal human being. But I will never support this again.

Thank you guys for being patient, and to those who were kind to me along the way. But this is not the path for me. And it shouldn't be for you either. I can't make you do anything, but please, reconsider what you're doing and what you're promoting. Think about why some of these things are taboo.

I'm not very active on tumblr, so I'm not actually sure how to do this. I don't know if I'll delete the account, or if I'll just log out forever. I might change my username too, I don't want to be associated with this anymore. I want to live like a normal person again.

Again, I can't apologize enough to those who are victims or were harmed by the things I supported. I know I only made the problem worse, but I'm going to try to undo it the best I can. The only way I know how is by leaving, bettering myself, and preventing others from making the same mistakes as me, especially other minors.

That's all. Thank you for listening. Goodbye, everyone.

[aroace-cat-lady]

so uhhhh ahhh long rant incoming sorry~

I'm sure you're aware of this whole Matty situation...

I just need to say that I cannot support Taylor after this, for me, this is absolutely where I draw the line. Personally, I believe that knowingly dating a bigot, a racist for example - this is someone who has unashamedly admitted to watching racist torture p**n, imagine how twisted you have to be to do such a thing - it automatically means that you are also racist, because, as per *my* definition of racism, racism doesn't have to be outright saying racial slurs and actively harassing poc, I definitely classify this indifference and condoning of bigotry as racism too. You *cannot* claim to be an activist and proceed to associate yourself with someone who is against everything you apparently stand for, unless it is of course, purely performative and somewhat for your own benefit. You cannot seriously claim you stand with people of colour, trans people, jewish people, muslims, every marginalised group basically, yet associate yourself with someone who clearly doesn't??

I understand some people are conflicted, I mean so was I for perhaps an hour after it was confirmed, it is hard when someone who you might idolise, who you believed would advocate for you is actually incredibly apathetic, and who has proven that countless times but especially this time, that they didn't truly mean what they claimed... But how can one not draw the line at bigotry? You can't just shrug it off by saying "I love her but this is wr-" that means nothing, you can't seriously call her out for something and say you love her in the same sentence, does that even count as holding her accountable? Equally bad are those who are "looking the other way" so you simply just don't want to hold her accountable and then be held accountable yourself for not doing so.

Additionally, if you're going to date a literal bigot, and you are aware of the colossal platform and influence you hold, why would you do it publicly- oh and with a fanbase obviously including the groups said bigot has openly discriminated against?

Unfortunately, the main responses I've seen to this situation are: swifties who idolise taylor to an unhealthy extent attempting to defend and condone even matty's actions, the performative activists who pretend they care but continue to talk about how much they adore her and basically just shrug it off, those who are fully aware its wrong and look the other way, and the literal minority who hold her accountable. Oh, said minority's feelings tend to be dismissed and invalidated and belittled by the former 3 groups. Oh, and also, said minority is primarily poc. hmmm.

Something particularly annoying that people are doing is attempting to making this about misogyny when it quite obviously isn't ("ofc you guys are blaming a woman for a man's actions"). I swear, I have seen not one person who has even implied that Taylor is to blame for Matty's actions. We are holding them both accountable because they are both shitty. Matty is unquestionably worse, but does that mean Taylor shouldn't be held accountable? Really? People saying this either... have zero understanding of the situation OR just don't want to hold her accountable and want to *out-woke* us or something and I think most of them are guilty of the latter

btw you don't have to comment on this or anything idk I'm just upset lrpekfos;rjdlgi

Oh I'm commenting don't worry about that

Just!!! Ugh!!!

I'm so. Outraged. And disgusted. He's just another privilege white guy who doesn't care at all about making fun or offending ppl that are different from him and that doesn't even try to understand or respect them. He's the worst brand of white bread out there.

And most white fans are being so awful about this. Oh you're just making it about yourself oh she's just not thinking oh he's not that bad oh I actually think he's becoming a better person because of her. Shut up. Shut up. Just shut the fuck up.

I really don't know how to feel about Taylor right now. Like, all I can think about now is how a lot of ppl have said for years she's racist cuz she has never toured on latam. How there's literally no explanation for that. And I ignore all of that cuz, dude, it's Taylor??? She's one of the few ppl that actually try.

But. Is she?? Cuz she isn't trying a lot right now. She apparently doesn't care. Sure, she stands for human rights and say Vote Blue!! and all that, but at the end she doesn't seem to think that being racist antisemitic islamophibic etcetc count as a red flag.

I just hate feeling like this. I've always respected and admired Taylor, but I really just can't respect her right now. But I don't seem able to pull away from her.

I mean, I literally love her songs so much I learned a second fucking language thanks to her. My relationship with my sister got a lot better because of her music. I've met incredible ppl because I started blogging about her.

I guess I'm so disappointed and kind of heartbroken right now. Like, I got this feeling of you didn't just betrayed me, you betrayed all of us and, worst of all, you betrayed yourself

It's just a lot.

[teaveetamer]

Am I the only one noticing it cause i have been seeing anons making the rounds and going to any FE tumblr account that has been remotely critical of edelgard & her stans and it appears they are digging through blogs and dropping the most random asks to stir up drama.

And then this anon all but admits they went through someone else's blog and then went to YOU over it?

edelstans are notorious for it but I honestly don't know how they have the time or energy to be this toxic, sounds draining.

Also You'd think by now the fandom drama would be dying cause Engage is coming but nah, they still here and trying to rope you guys into it lol.

Oh this has been going on for months at this point. Someone got a bug up their ass about people on tumblr existing with different opinions that don’t favor Edelgard and they’ve been making their insecurity our problem.

I don’t even know where they find the energy to dig through someone else’s blog and then come to me about it. I literally follow Sarah and I didn’t remember that post. I wasn’t even really checking her blog because she beat Pokémon Violet before me and I didn’t want spoilers.

I don’t even know what kind of “gotcha” that was supposed to be. “Aha! You once interacted with someone who said something I perceived as problematic!” Like? Okay..? Like I’ve said in the past, I find the whole internet culture of “you need to be aware of everything anyone who has ever interacted with you has said and done and if they do something wrong you’re also held responsible for interacting with them” to be extremely exhausting. And if Anon had a problem with what I actually said in my post then they’ve been quite quiet about it so apparently the worst they could say about it is “someone who is not you said something I don’t agree with and you interact with them sometimes, therefore you are bad!”

[clearmentalitykryptonite]

(Venting)

The door that was dug out and locked me in a room multiple times.

Where he ripped the towel rack off in his rage.

The skid mark when he threw a chair at the ceiling.

The hole he punched it the door. Which he later tried to gas light me about stating it was his elbow when I closed the door on him when he was chasing me through house. Funny how his fist perfectly fits.

When we were legally no contact and you were still sending me gifts and pushing boundaries. I asked you to stop. That was for three months. That wasn't my fault. You didn't know you did anything wrong because the toxicity was so normalized. UNFUCKING NORMALIZE ABUSE!

I remember when I broke up with you and you turned the whole fight around and tried breaking up with me. I said okay and tried to leave. Then you told me no and changed your mind. I still tried to leave. You pinned me against the dresser. Then when to blocking the door way. I remember when you choked me and you always say it was only one time. All the times you threw me down. Held me down. Shook me like I was a rag doll. Came at me angrily to intimidate when I tried to talk about my feelings. Always turning everything around until I'm apologizing for something from so long ago just so you don't have to take accountability. Squeezing my face and yelling at me. Biting me after I tell you to stop while leaving bruises so painful it hurts to sit. Laying on me and when I say I can't breath continuing to do so because you think its funny. Telling me If I ever leave you Jason is going to hold me down while you cheese grate my tattoo off. Following me around online and watching everything I do. No privacy. Fighting with me when I hang out with people so it was like what's even the point. Taking away everything I enjoy and use to cope. Wanting to take away what gives me dopamine. Telling me I'm hollow. When you're the one who made me a shell of a person. Wanting to leave me worse than when we got together. I healed myself and I was there for myself. You had to bring me down again. But boy do I keep rising. Drugging and admitting to it subliminally. Telling me I drugged myself and laughing about it. Knowing it made me suicidal. (You must want me to but I live off pure bitterness). Ruinging my birthday and kids birthday and holidays. Had me crying in the middle of the night on the side of they highway in the grass. I have tried to jump out of a moving vehicle to get way from you and the arguing and you have sped up. You have blamed and accused me of so much that I got so sick of it I fell right into your bulling shit you brainwashing grooming a**hole. When my child says "I don't know what you want me to say" I asked him about that. He said you guys tell him to say things to me. It stresses him out and upsets him.what about when I came home and our daughter's eyes were red and i took her to the er because of everything from the passed assumed she was drugged. You groomed me for it. You knew how I would react. It's exactly what you wanted. Just like what recently happened. But this time it didn't get brushed off. This time is different. This time I'm not the only one who knows. Abuse is abuse no mater which way you twist it. I'm a survivor not a victim. I'm not embarrassed when I have lived through hell and can still put a smile on my own face. The life I have lived would break you. I was born in the dark it's the light that is frightening and if you don't understand that you have not lived a harsh life. Because this is only a small portion of mine.

Our relationship finally ended when we got into an argument about me not giving you cake for my dead mothers birthday. You were selfish and unsympathetic. Every time I tried to leave you would threaten to take the kids away or hurt yourself well over 20 times. I tried to help you. I krpt you from hurting yourself while puting myself in harms way. I tied stopping you. You had the knigh up to my chest and pushed me. I still tried to help youm you grabbed my arms a squeezed so hard. I can still remember the feeling it lasted for hours after. You were still holding the knife it was digging into my arm. You left light bruises. I remember hiding. I remember going to court half protecting you and half afraid of how you giys would retaliate. I told them how you and you mother treating me and mentally abused me. When after years of it seems like I'm not the only one who knows about it. I have lived a nightmare. No matter how much Stockholm bullshit. You know things about my personal life you shouldn't know and others the same. So when I say I have lived through hell still been able to be kind and smile. Be at the brink and bring MYSELF back because of all the isolation and abuse. Don't you dare question how I chose to heal and move on with my life. No one deserves this not even you. I say that because I actually have a heart and soul.

[cheekypriest]

Something could definitely be said about the priest's entrance, but that was just James all over, wasn't it? He didn't enter with a mere hello, instead opting for one of his many and seemingly effortless dry-witted remarks to welcome him instead. At least it had been taken rather well, spying the look on the other man's face, not a glimmer of annoyance or exasperation at the Brit's usual antics. Maybe it was too early to tell, but James liked to imagine that the guy had already picked up a lot about him, mainly when it came to his demeanour and general manner in general.

True, there were times when the Englishman could be serious and had to be, but everywhere else, he had no qualms about letting go a little, just being himself, if not as a way to catch some people off guard. How many looked at him with a certain list of expectations? Humans, demons, otherwise? To which he would gladly and proudly laugh in their face. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with a priest being a little cheeky, was there?

Or very cheeky, in James' case.

What he hadn't expected was the outright flattery, brows lifting as he looked back at him, unable to hide the quiet delight that it brought him for such a man to talk him up so much. That was definitely a change -- - not that he'd missed the few remarks he'd hear at times from his congregation, notably under hushed tones since nobody wanted to be caught dishing about their local priest within earshot of the bloke. Not that he'd mind, of course, he'd find all it the more amusing but he could imagine others might not take it so lightly. Which was rather ironic given his placement among religion.

"And here you are, gassing me up something rotten." He mused to himself, resting his head back for a moment as he pretended to thoroughly relish in the moment. It probably wasn't all pretending but he didn't mind taking a compliment every now and then. At least that was one thing that he held close to him, he was genuinely a very humble man, even if he put on a show to say otherwise. It wasn't as though it was deliberate, but it was one thing that he shared with his peers. Mostly. "Don't stop on my account." He continued in jest, tilting his head back and to the side to spare a sly look in Connor's direction, more than happy for the man to decide whether or not he was joking.

"But... all in all, if you look like this every time we go out, you'll put me to shame. Lucky for me... for the Scripture says, 'everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.' So, there's my get of jail free card." Honestly, he had no doubts that the detective looked that good all the time. Why could he just imagine the guy waking up every morning looking absolutely perfect without the faintest morsel of effort? Not even a hair out of place. While James usually found himself looking akin to being dragged through a bush backwards. Sometimes he was sure that somebody was sneaking in during the night and ruffling his hair. Though he did have to admit that he moved around quite a bit in bed, mainly if he was sleeping in a double bed alone where it granted him far too much room to stretch and contort his limbs all over the place. If there was somewhere there, he seemed to know in his subconscious, even when fast asleep, keeping to his side, if not shuffling up to them, wrapping an arm around them and pulling them close. A devout man of God or not, he still enjoyed being both the big spoon and the little spoon too.

It probably sounded soppy to some people, but given the long periods of isolation he endured during his travels, the rules he did technically follow in some aspects, the main reason for his loneliness was to keep others safe, not expose themselves to the seedy world that James lived in and the horrors that would happily use them to get at him. So in those more intimate moments, he'd gladly hold someone close, allow himself a few moments to pretend like it could last forever before the inevitable weight was dropped back onto his chest and he had to vanish without a trace, reluctantly returning to the real world.

More notably, he made the conscious decision to offer up the possibility of meeting up again, if the younger man felt he could manage it. Or as long as James didn't manage to push him away in the next few hours. There was still plenty of time to decide that the Brit was perhaps a bit too much or too odd for others to stomach.

"Yeah? You know, if I didn't know any better..." He then began, clearly winding up for something particularly spectacular. "I'd say you have the beginnings of a priest kink, detective." There it was again, that devilish smile spreading across his face as he looked over at Connor again with that cheeky twinkle in his eyes. "Don't get me wrong, not opposed to the idea in the slightest. Maybe I'd feel the same if I was on the other side... but you know, can't say I've ever been keen to jump into bed with any of my peers. Not because of the outfit, at least." Again, he'd leave that open to interpretation. Had he ever tried it on with any of his peers? If so, it was most likely in his younger more fresh years. Had he ever succeeded? That, he would definitely keep to himself -- - for now. Although, was he kidding? If someone asked, he'd answer honestly and without a moment's hesitation.

Again, much to his old mentor's shame.

"Have to say, wouldn't mind seeing you in that collar one day, yourself. Just for fun, of course... and presuming the Lord doesn't strike me down there and then." He was still sure that one day he'd cross the line so far that even God couldn't forgive him or look past it and smite him at that very moment. Would he regret it? Likely not. Despite everything, James was still under the fervent belief that he was going straight to Hell at the end of his journey anyway. "Although... I think I'd prefer it on your bedroom floor if I'm being honest." Now, even he couldn't keep himself from laughing aloud at that, a warm and hearty chuckle bellowing from deep within his chest. "Couldn't resist." He managed mid-laugh, grinning from ear to ear as he sat up a little straighter. "Right, food. There's this restaurant a few miles away, does amazing fish and chips. They say 'British style', but as a formal representative of the British people, I call bollocks. But they're still pretty bloody good all the same. Had something of a hankering for them all day, if you're so inclined?" He rested his back again, watching Connor with deep interest and fascination, as though he were observing an exquisite painting in an art gallery.

Yet before the other could answer, it was that moment of gazing that the priest found himself smirking a little, his smile waning into something more -- - gentle, as if in awe. "Christ, you're beautiful, you know that?" This was him before he'd had a drink in him. God help the guy once James had some wine in his stomach. "We'd best get going before I start drooling all over your car."

The seconds that passed as the text on his screen went from delivered to read felt like a small eternity. Connor had been watching the message page so intently, his heart skipped a beat when its status changed. It had been received. Eventually, James would appear & immediately the detective was stressing over how he wanted to appear upon their second meeting. Did he want to go up to the door & wait like a shy teen picking up his crush for a date? Or sit expectantly in the car like some type of pretty faced bad boy? Neither were really his style - as if he'd dated enough to have one - but eventually he came to settle back in his seat & politely wait for his date to emerge from the admittedly quaint little house. Threadbare minutes went by, barely any time at all, yet it was enough for Connor to scrutinize every little thing he could, any potentially perceivable flaw.

Maybe he should have taken his car to the wash first? Did he have any old case files stashed in the glovebox or behind his seat? He had purposefully left his badge & service weapon at home, desperate to himself disconnect from his work, if only for the night. Was the priest going to care about any of the silly little details? Realistically, no. This wasn't some boy or girl his own age that Connor was intent on cavorting about town with. James was older, matured & aged like fine wine, with more than enough fire left in him to keep up with the much younger cop. Connor told himself that he needn't worry, that the critical thoughts intruding upon his peace were the product of unnecessary anxiety.

As soon as the door to the little home opened & the priest appeared, all disquieted musings running through his mind immediately ceased. For that brief instance, there was nothing & nobody else. Dressed in something a little more relaxed, yet no less immaculate, the priest gave off an aura about him that just screamed silver fox. The younger man couldn't help staring dumbly as he approached, & soon enough, the handsome gentleman that looked like some charming prince from his teenage fantasies was settling into the passenger seat of his car. Face to face once again, it wasn't more than a scant moment before James was expressing his endless wit. It broke Connor from his silently stupefied staring as a laugh was easily drawn from him, a goofy grin warming his features . Without fail, the older man banished his self-criticizing thoughts & effortlessly stole all of his attention. It wasn't something the detective was used to, but he wanted to try. That kind of calm felt nice.

"Well, hello to you, too, handsome," came his own cheeky remark in greeting, his expression softening to a dreamy little smile that played upon his doll-like lips. Head tilted, laid back against the headrest as soft, rich brown eyes watched ocean hues, trying to gauge him. But all he could think about was the color in perfect contrast with graying black, how vibrant they were in the natural light of the early evening. Beautiful. James had arguably won the genetic lottery; handsome , brilliantly smart. Connor knew he was helpless to disguise how smitten he was by the way he looked at the man, even as he teased him right back, meeting him beat for beat. "Who says I don't have flowers waiting in the back seat?” An obvious jest - the little electric was a two seater vehicle. But the mock offense that momentarily washed over his pretty visage was just as devilishly cheeky as it was teasing. A second later, he was all fond smiles & affection again , glad to drink in those sweet compliments.

Hardly ego tripping. There was a soft sincerity to the older man's words that warmed the detective, made him really believe that every bit of it was true. While he didn't necessarily agree that he would go breaking anyone's heart with his boyish good looks , the European had a way about him that made Connor feel beautiful. His gaze lowered in a coy instance, thick lashes partially obscuring the view of those richly hued irises. “I wanted to look nice for you. I thought that you deserved something pretty to look at." Now his voice returned to that soft, almost sultry tone, though the faint hints of shyness never left the dusky intonations. His gaze returned to that of the priest, one side of his mouth quirking up into a delicate smile. “You though… You look just as incredible as I remember.” & he meant it. James looked wonderful, just as handsome & suave as before, though the new attire he wore offered a different kind of intrigue.

That wasn't to say that the older man had looked stuffy at all, dressed as prim & proper as he had been for church. Far from it. Connor wondered if there was ever a time in which James ever appeared anything less than well put together, or if he were really just as infallible as he seemed. Of course, Connor didn't spare him a moment without taking an opportunity to flirt. "I almost miss that— You know, the collar. But I'm appreciating the appeal of a little clavicle on display." His eyes darted towards the hint of chest barely hidden away, letting out a silly little laugh as he slipped his seatbelt back on & started the car with a press of the pushbutton ignition. There was barely a sound as the electrical system engaged, the only indication it was even on being from the screen at the center of the dash & the instrument panel coming to life.

It seemed that James wasn't the only one eager to go, though it wasn't for any reason besides wanting to enjoy his time with the older man. Connor wanted to see the priest relaxed, in his own element & not tied to duty or obligation. It was clear to the both of them that each took their professions quite seriously, but outside of the shackles of professionalism, they could be entirely themselves. Connor wanted to see that. He also wanted to get the man talking. James was so much more full of life experience. The detective expected he had lived a rather interesting life, rich with knowledge of so many things the younger had never heard of before. He felt he could listen to the priest speak for hours, & that was what he was intent on doing.

"Didn't stay at the precinct long. I may have snuck out…" A simple shrug, almost flippant in nature. Naughty thing. Connor wasn't always such a stickler for the rules, especially when he had other plans in mind. Besides that, he doubted very much that the priest could tire him out. Setting the car into gear, he glanced towards his date with a quiet enthusiasm that was bubbling beneath the surface. “So. Where are we going?”

[beautifvlsoul]

well.. bf just left to work and i’m stuck. this is the first time i’ve been alone since saturday and i immediately forgot how to function.

mind immediately jumps to dad.

i never could have imagined being this hurt over his passing.

there was a point when i literally wanted him to just leave me alone; to stop contacting me and forget i existed. he wouldn’t acknowledge the pain he caused and would often play the victim.

don’t get me wrong, i admit to my faults. i’m not innocent in this at all, but i’m not completely the bad guy either. i’m mature enough to admit that, and to admit that he to an extent was a victim in this as well as myself, my brother and sister.

but the lack of accountability, the victim blaming, the lack of effort.. it built up and boiled to anger.

sigh.. the frustration i’m feeling.. for so long, i wanted him to leave me alone. but now that he’s gone, i want him back so bad.

i’m one of those people, aren’t i? i’m so fucking ashamed of myself.

i bet you are too huh, dad? seeing your kids crying at your funeral, expressing the love you’ve always asked for.. i can only imagine how upsetting that must be.

or maybe it made you happy.. knowing that we did in fact care when you probably thought we didn’t, that must’ve made you the happiest man.

who knows?

all i know is i don’t fucking know how i can forgive myself for my stubbornness.. because this is the second time i lost someone i loved that i was angry at. that i held a grudge against because for whatever fucking reason, i thought i’d be better off without them.. and now that they’re gone for good, i realize how fucking wrong i was.

the shame, the guilt, the regret.. the self-hatred is at an all time high. i’ve never felt this way in my life; the lowest i’ve ever been.

maybe i should see a therapist.

[thesunshinebehindyourdestruction]

I have to keep telling myself that there’s no such thing as reactive abuse. That the things I’ve done that are not healthy in relationships is because I’ve been pushed to my breaking point. I have to keep telling myself that I’ve just been manipulated and gaslit into believing I’m a terrible person, that it’s not actually true. While I should be held accountable for my actions, I shouldn’t be blamed for the way I’ve reacted to being abused.

I typed up the following in a text message to him, but he has me blocked right now so he hasn’t received it. Should I resend it once he’s unblocked me?

“Look, I know I may have overreacted and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone to your house uninvited. But you have to understand that I did it because you pushed me to my breaking point, and that’s not the first time you’ve done it either. You’ve been keeping secrets from me, and keeping me a secret, and treating me like I’m not good enough, and not communicating with me. All I asked of you was to communicate with me and support me, which should be expected in a relationship. But you consistently kept secrets and lied and not been there for me when I’ve needed you. I can only take so much before I reach a breaking point and my anxiety takes over. I wouldn’t have gone to your house uninvited if you had just been honest and communicated with me what was going on. I know I did wrong and I’m sorry, but you refuse to accept your part in all of this. What I did was a reaction to how you’ve been treating me. It was a reaction to all the abuse you’ve put me through. You’ve abused me to my breaking point and I’m sorry that my anxiety took over last night but that’s what happens when the person who’s supposed to be your partner consistently treats you like you don’t matter. That’s what happens when you’ve been gaslit into believing that you’re a terrible person by the one person who’s supposed to support you and love you through the hard times. All I ever wanted was for you to treat me like an equal partner in our relationship, but you always treated me like I was less than. You treated me like I was just a burden you had to deal with bc you needed money from me. You treated me like my wants and needs didn’t matter at all. That’s not how you treat people, especially not your partner. You consistently pushed me away and treated me like garbage and then you act like I’m the bad guy for reacting to your abuse and trying to pull you closer, because you’ve manipulated me into believing you could do no wrong and that I’m always the bad guy. I know I’ve done wrong in my reactions, but you refuse to admit the ways you’ve wronged me. You refuse to admit that you’re the one who kept pushing me and pushing me until I’ve reached a breaking point. And still I just want to make things work with you, bc you’ve manipulated me and gaslit me to the point where I see you as some sort of paragon despite all the shit you’ve put me through. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I deserve to be treated like an equal partner by someone who’s not ashamed of me bc they see me as less than. I’m sorry I came to your house uninvited. But you’ve shown no remorse for pushing me to that point, and I just wish you could see that the way you’ve been treating me is wrong and abusive.”