#you fucking losers who leaked full episodes

[caitvikisses]

jinx and sevika being the fucking bosses in this show once again!!

[chaifootsteps]

College anon dropping in to say that the dubs aren't very good. Some, like the french one, sound like the text went through google translate (and the dubbing in general is terrible despite France having a good rep in the industry). The Italian version of Poison is low-key good tho

As for my reaction to Poison, imagine that gif of the happy yellow emoji looking traumatized/dead inside. I stared at the screen wondering what led me to watching this and how ANYONE would think this was a good scene. Vivziepop claiming that the leaks don't represent the full scene was right for once... It was so much worse. I could think of a more tasteful way to picture it in 5 seconds, it isn't that hard. She could have even kept most of the scene, just remove the graphic stuff to keep the suggestive dancing (a smart idea that should have remained subtle) and maybe keep the Val part à la Addict to show that, yeah, on top of "working" all night (because the graphic scenes made it obvious he stopped "enjoying" work early during the night), Val SA'd him and that shows the entirety of the hell he's going through. It explains why he breaks down and lashes out. Viv didn't need to keep most of the SA, the entire thing was implied.

Also episode 4 comes out of left field. Yes, it was foreshadowed since the beginning but why is Angel suddenly returning his calls? We SAW him ignore Val. He clearly HATES him. Since when is Husk calling him out and badgering him about being "fake"?? They've known each other for a WEEK. It's way too early for that. It's like we're missing 3-4 episodes of development in-between. Angel reconnecting with Val and showing hints that this is indeed a facade, Husk knowing a lot about everyone and giving a damn... This should be a mid-end of season arc for Angel. I'd personally make it end of season 1 so that he can show change during season 2, beginning as someone new, someone who slowly tries to show he cares and let down his bravado in small amounts, with clear hints of being a little scared of the reactions, until it naturally becomes his full-time persona. Maybe have Charlie notice at some point and subtly encourage him, DELIGHTED (in caps because that girl is extra) that Angel is getting better but having to keep her excitement in in fear of scaring him off (because Charlie should have SOME sort of emotional intelligence ffs).

Loser, Baby feels out of place. This is NOT the appropriate reaction to Angel's words. Did they rewrite the dialogue but not the song?? Here's how it sounds:

Angel: I feel like I've gotta be Val's perfect whore all the time so I'm trying to break myself enough he will be alone—

Husk: Well, it's okay to be a loser, baby! Look at me, I'm a failure too. You ain't special and it's okay!

....So Angel is a loser/failure/broken but Val is still into him??? Did they realize that this should send him the wrong message?! That Val will "love" him no matter what and that Angel cannot be free, that he's been making himself miserable for NOTHING?? First of all, Husk's greediness and addictions are NOTHING like Angel's situation. He signed with his real name. That alone implies that Val snatched him early on as he arrived. On top of that, he's being abused every way possible on the regular, for no fault of his own, and is self-destructing. He cannot kill himself and Val won't let him be killed. This is NOTHING like Husk losing a game for more power and being forced to be a bartender.

Here's how it should have gone for the song to work:

Angel: So?! The real me is a good for nothing loser who died in a ditch from some shitty coke! THIS is the famous, hotter than Hell pornstar that everyone wanna fuck! And I've— I've gotta be the part. 'Cause if I'm not... If I ain't then who am I?

Angel's fear should have been about being seen as who he was, as some loser that nobody loved. Let him feel like he beat his father, that now he's someone so suck it dad! You were wrong! Let Angel behave as if his life was a porn movie because that's all he knows now and what he thinks he should be like. Instead of trying to ruin himself so that Val discards him, have him try to be perfect... Because that'll stop the abuse, right? Val is happy when he acts like that. The perverts worship him. No one cares about Anthony.

That would make Loser, Baby work. It would achieve its goal of saying "it's okay to suck, we all do! Look at me, I'm a loser but my life isn't over!" and get Angel to accept that he's enough as he is. If you add in a few episodes beforehand to set it up, it could have worked better instead of being insensitive.

Personally I would have entirely changed the Angel/Val dynamic. Val can still be a whiny bitch but not in a drama queen way as is implied. He gets like that whenever he loses control of his favorite. Have one of the Vees groan and say something about Angel having done something as if it happened often. Make them used to Val throwing a fit because he didn't get what he wanted out of Angel or because he's having a jealousy fit. It already makes Val more controlling. It'll make the messages scene hit harder as, yeah, we can see why Angel left, the dude is unstable and obsessed. I'd be a little more fucked-up and have Angel kinda love him. Ofc in the Stockholm Syndrome way, he's been abused so much he's too attached to leave. That shift in dynamic would explain why he eventually goes back despite everything. Like in the show, he feels ignored in favor of the new resident and the way he's dismissed and talked about makes him feel like shit. He checks his phone again and ends up listening to Val's new voice messages... And this time, they're sickeningly sweet in a row. He's sorry, he's begging for him to come back. He loves him. And that's enough for Angel to go out or answer him. Put a few episodes in-between where Angel seems... Off? How weird, he's jumpy, more on his phone. He's out for parts of the episodes or clearly focused on something else. Then we get episode 4, where everyone culminates to show how bad the situation is for him. I'd personally not have Val hit him. He's smart enough to not leave bruises on his top whore. However, he's manipulative and threatening. There's no doubt that he COULD hit Angel whenever, especially with the way he cowers. Angel tries to diffuse the situation, so well that it's heartbreaking, and he gets bold. That line when he doesn't reply "Yes Val" is meant with silence as we wait for Val's reaction, waiting for him to blow up. A beat. He doesn't. He's not calm but he's not as angry. He's not going to hit him. He thanks Angel, touching him while the other flinches, a hint that he handles Angel roughly in this kind of situation, and just as Angel looks relieved, he announces that he'll have to work all night, distressing Angel again.

Ofc that would require extensive research and talk to specialists to do it well. Viv's audience can be stupid so it's more of a struggle to make it clear that none of this is Angel's fault and to not romantize this shit but it's more interesting than Val being so obviously abusive. IMHO he almost transformed into someone else in that episode and it could work but we didn't see enough of him to go "oh that's the old abuser trick! he's not as nice as he is with others when he's with his victim!". Idk how to put it sensibly but the impression he gave me was "whiny manchild who sadly was given enough power by Daddy Vox to abuse someone" instead of the intended "terrifying Overlord who is unstable and abusing his power to abuse whichever worker he fancies at the moment". I dunno Chai I just think it would work better if he were more manipulative and welding his power in other ways than by force. Like Angel isn't scared by his strength but by his influence. Also I would low-key find a way to make it so that Angel, mistakenly, thinks he can get away with some things to explain how he'd leave for the Hotel. Like having him not be a perfect victim. While he tries to cater to Val and keep him happy out of fear (and/or care because abuse fucks you up), he sometimes provokes him or tries to do his own thing. It'd show he's his own person and stuff. Sadly that would be lost on Viv's stans and it would absolutely spark some victim-shaming stuff or worse. But I think if she's gonna try to portray something like this, she could do with some nuance and not so... Cliché? Of course, it happens like this to too many people but it feels like she's applying a trope with no thought into it. The most cookie-cutter depiction she could do for quick satisfaction or to tick that case. A bit like how Stolitz is a mix of multiple tropes and is a terribly done version of that trope where a noble falls in love with someone whose class is lower with a sprinkle of badly done transactional relationship that sparks feelings. Thinking of HB, HH has better representation of abuse but not by much. I feel like if Stella was a man, she'd have written it this way? It felt like fetish fuel hiding underneath the surface whereas Stella was lazy writing.

I dunno man, I wanted to rant about Charlie and her design but episode 4 hit me like a wall of bricks

Thank you for all of this, College Anon. This was a great read, and you're right, the Italian version of Poison goes so much harder than the English.

Also Italian Val's voice is...yeah, 10/10 stars on that one. Mama mia.

[power106hq]

𝚀𝚄𝙴𝙴𝙽𝚂 𝙲𝙾𝚄𝚁𝚃 𝙴𝙿𝙸𝚂𝙾𝙳𝙴 𝚃𝚆𝙾: 𝙲𝙷𝙸𝚃𝙻𝙸𝙽𝚂, 𝙿𝙾𝚆𝙳𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙳 𝙳𝙾𝙽𝚄𝚃𝚂, 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚆𝙷𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝚀𝚄𝙰𝚁𝚃𝙴𝚃.

QUEENS COURT is now LIVE! Powered by Power 106 FM in partnership with TSMADISON and KHIA. At 9:30, court will be accepting callers (anons) to send in their own thoughts about the past two weeks. To close the show, KHIA and TS will issue out presents to the celebrities discussed in the recap. Click below to stream the full episode!

TS MADISON: We are live baby! Welcome viewers and callers to Queens Court starring myself and the legendary Ms.Khia Thug Misses! We are going to get right into the gig tonight and waste no time. Now remember that everything said is alleged unless we say otherwise. We don’t need any of these rich folk trynna get us shut down or give us gag orders. Starting off this episode we’re gonna get THE COURT OF TRENDS out of the way. Miss.Khia the people would like to know your thoughts on this whole Chi and Poppy situation. To clarify, we’re talking about both the arrest in Paris as well as the leaked messages this past Friday.

KHIA: Chile this first case is coming in straight from desks over at TMZ. Reportedly Chi and Poopy were arrested and banned from France. These two were at a gay club in Paris, got drunker than the Cooter Brown, and ended up bumping shoulders and coochies with foreign carpetmunchers in jail. Now if I’m being completely honest, I expect this kinda behavior from Poopy muffler pussy having ass but Chi?! No ma’am! Now at first, I didn’t know what to make of this shit other than Poopy finally sinking her shit crumb infected claws into poor ole Chi. But, chile more news done broke that Chi done got outed for being a bulldagger? Chi, I really don’t know what to tell you other than go monkey stomp Poopy ass blind! She did that shit on purpose girl, and we all know why. Don’t trust no skillet bitch!

TS: Wait, what you mean by skillet bitch?

KHIA: Pans, skillets, griddles: that’s what we call the girls who like anything! I’m sending Poopy long titty ass to the electric chair for setting that girl up like that. NEXT CASE!

TS: Moving onto the next trending topic we have Lolita who was admitted into rehab about a week after being photographed snorting what the people are saying is cocaine. Now, Miss.Khia how do we feel about everything going on with Miss.Lolita?

KHIA: I would like to be the first to say this, all y’all favorite artists done played in the sugar before. However, some play harder than others. I guess Lullaby was the MVP this week.

TS: Lullaby?

KHIA: Yes, we call her Lullaby because the only thing the bitch can do for me is put me to sleep with them tired ass songs! Now, I’m not sure why everybody acting shocked and surprised. I personally don’t feel no ways about this dumbass bitch and this loser ass situation. Bitch, keep yo’ nose out them powdered donuts. Y’all should’ve gotten her tired ass some help years ago. This the same bitch that was gettin’ fisted by shady oaks biker gangs in her videos as soon as she turned eighteen. The bitch done always seemed slow and delayed to me so this is really no surprise. Now, the people are saying that this was all a stunt to promote this tired ass album she's releasing soon after they take the ball and chain off them decrepit ass ankles. I personally don’t think that’s the case. However! If that is the case, bitch imma be the first to tell you, we don’t care. We didn’t care when they dragged yo’ ass in the cage, and we not gon’ give a damn when you get out. So what makes you think we got give a damn when you drop that foot dragging ass album? I’m sentencing this cokewhore to an extension on that rehab sentence. We the people don’t want you out of that building until you can put out a hit record! NEXT CASE!

TS: Lord have mercy. Alright y’all moving on from the court of trends, we are going to be handling a case in CIVIL COURT. Now, there’s a new collaboration with Sashabelle and Audriella out. Some of the people lived and some of the people think Audriella should sue Miss.Sasha for ruining the song. Now I’mma give MY opinion: I personally lived for the song. I lived for Miss.Belles and the vocals. Miss. Khia how do you feel about the R.E.M. remix?

KHIA: Yes, well I was truly enjoying the song at first. I thought the two sounded really good together harmonizing n’ shit in the beginning. But... then we get to the end of Audriella’s verse, and we’re all waiting to get what we need from Sashabelle right? Instead we got chitlins! I told y’all to stop putting Mama Odie old ass on y’all songs back when I was on my red couch! I can’t remember one time Stinkabelle actually made the song better. You got Audriella talking ‘bout La Perla and Vicky Secret, and then we got Mama Odie starting her verse off with a hot ass “...Aye ‘dere bwoy.” No no no bitch! That shit was trash bitch I don’t care what y’all say. Keep that old hoe off y’all songs! This bitch can’t find herself on the charts if it ain’t a chopped and slopped verse added to someone else’s shit. TS tell me I’m lyin’.

TS: 

The people are tired of the we shall overcome plantation rituals and now you breathin’ yo’ delayed ass over everyone else songs trynna be that bitch you once were. If y’all really want a hit call the queen and I’ll be happy to help for the right price. I’m gonna sentence Sashabelle’s country ass to another mandatory session of remedial English classes. Next time I hear yo’ ass get on a song with that country bumpkin’ ass shit, I’ma personally send yo’ ass to the electric chair. NEXT CASE!!!

TS: We’ll be finishing off the show today with another segment of JUVENILE COURT aka YOUNG DUMB & FULL OF CUM. On the docket we have reported complaints about a group of artists who attended this passing Saturday’s charity football game and started twerkin’ and gyratin’ in front of the tv. Miss. Khia do we find the defendants guilty?

KHIA: Not even sure why you put this shit on the highlighted docket tonight sista. This type of shit really puzzles me more than anything else. So, basically the Alvin Ailey Foundation was having a charity event a few days ago. Everything went as planned and most importantly they raised a good amount of money for the charity. None of these great things can stop a hoe from doing what she does best: hoe. We the people summon in Audriella, Amilli, Mulatto, and Viva La Vita. Here we have a forty year old bedazzler, a white man’s whore, and two knock kneed mothers. Veronica, bitch you’re forty. I would leave it at that but obviously it hasn’t clicked yet. Stop tryna live in the glory days bitch you is washed up, fucked out, and dried. That music ain’t selling and that ass ain’t movin’, pack it up. Audriella, now I will admit your confidence is somewhat inspiring. Any slave that is willing to go out and publicly be a melon muncher is brave in my book. But for you to let the tribe down twice? It’s flat out disrespectful. I hope that mayo monster knocked you upside yo’ head when you got home. Amilli and Mulatto, please go be mothers. That’s all we ask you nothin’ ass hoes to do. It’s almost like that’s the only time we hear anything from you hoes, its never about y’all doing motherly shit. I’m sure there were kids at the charity event too. Just a shame. I sentence all four of you to house arrest effective immediately. That way y’all can focus on what’s really important. NEXT CASE!!!

TS: Okay that is all the time we have for cases today. The lines are open for callers if the people want to chime in and tell us how they feel about the past two weeks.

[doingthingsthewriteway]

A Promise Kept

Request: Dom and Colson step in to protect their dear Y/N. 

Summary: Dom promised there would be hell to pay if he had to get Colson involved. There’s hell to pay. 

Warnings: some language and sorta threatening situation 

After the photo episode, Dom made it a point to tell Colson what exactly went down. Dom wasn’t sure why he felt like he had to tell Colson, but there was something about the older friend that offered a sense of security. 

Colson had dropped by to offer some socially distanced weed when it slipped out of Dom’s lips. “Did you see it?” 

The blonde bit his lip, he never lied to Dom. “Yeah.” He kept the thoughts of how sweet Y/N looked in the photo, not supposed to think about his best friend’s girl like that. 

“People are saying we leaked it.” Dom kicked at a pebble in the driveway. “She didn’t even know it was taken. Spent the day locked in our room. I don’t know everything in her head but I know there’s something dark up there.” 

Now, Colson appreciated a nice pair of tits as much as the next guy but only when it was consensual. He certainly did not believe a woman, especially not Y/N, should be subjected to such things. “You find out who took it?” 

Dom shook his head, gritting his jaw. “If something happens to her, I don’t know what I would do. I won’t lose her because some horny motherfucker can’t respect privacy.” 

“You won’t.” The promise symbolized more than that. A lot more. Blood might be thicker than water, but that doesn't mean friends were thin. Colson would bled for those to if only for how happy Y/N made Dom. 

Everything went well, really well. Life for the couple got back on track and eventually everyone was allowed to trickle back to normal. Y/N didn’t complain too much but damn sometimes she just needed to be around someone other than Dom. Loved the man to death, but seeing someone else was lovely. 

She didn’t complain that the first outing they went to was a party for his label. An outing was an outing. Any excuse the two had to dress each other up was taken. Y/N helped Dom pick out his outfit and carefully line his lipstick. Dom, in turn, made a point to show off his girl in the nicest clothes she had. 

“Baby.” He took a shallow breath, catching a whiff of her scent as she spun around for him. “You sure you don’t want to stay in just one more night?” His tongue flicked out in temptation. “You know I’d make it worth your while.” 

“What’s the fun if I can’t tease you all night?” She winked, grabbed her clutch and headed out the door. “C’mon pup, don’t want to keep Colson waiting.” 

Well, yes he did want to keep Colson waiting because Dom wanted to suck on her tits but that was neither here nor there he supposed. The two fumbled into the backseat with Colson of the car that picked them up. Colson’s gangly stance had his legs spread out, knocking thighs with Y/N. 

“Oppsie.” She giggled adjusting the skirt of the dress she wore, well technically it was Dom’s nightie. Colson swallowed just a little to hard as he caught Dom’s eyes. Dom looked mighty nice to. This is what Colson got for being nice, he supposed, suffering in eternal hell next to the prettiest looking things he had seen in a while. 

“Now, people are likely to be a bit stir crazy since this is the first time we’ve been able to go out.” Colson stretched his arm around Y/N to rest on Dom’s shoulder. “If anything happens, I mean anything some mother fucker looks at your wrong, you two let me know.” 

Y/N nodded ever so obediently. “As happy as I am to be going out of the house and seeing a face other than this” she nudged Dom playfully, “I’m sticking beside him.” 

Dom’s chest puffed out ever so slightly, damn straight. “Anybody tries anything, anybody mentions anything Kells and I are on it.” 

“Dommy, you shouldn’t fight anyone. Frankly, neither should Kells.” The pet names fell like terms of endearment causing both men to turn a delightful shade of pink. 

“I’d do anything for you, you know that.” Dom kissed her hair and helped her out of the car once they arrived. 

The party was in full swing. People were getting loose and handsy. Y/N and Dom were no exception. In a fit of giggles, the two slipped away toward the bathroom for a quickie when it was said. 

Dom thought he was hearing things at first because that was certainly not a way to talk to a lady. He slowed, turning toward the source of the sound. It was a Soundcloud rapper that someone got in. The loser had the nerve to smirk at Dom’s little girl. 

“What did you say mate?” It was almost like a growl. His eyes narrowing. He looked and felt the most masculine he had been in weeks, good thing too.

Y/N tugged on Dom’s hand, gripping his wrist tightly. “Just leave it alone baby, he’s not worth it.” 

“Yeah, I’m not worth it. Everyone’s already seen her tits anyway.” 

Colson wasn’t entirely sure how he heard it over the roaring music. Nevertheless, he heard what the wannabe said and he lost it. It took approximately three strides of his long legs to get to the asshole and grab him by the collar of his ugly ass jacket. 

A string of colorful profanities fell from his lips-in any other circumstance Dom and Y/N might have been impressed. Colson’s grip tightened around the throat of his opponent, squeezing tighter and tighter until

“Kells! Stop!’ Y/N was close to tears if not already there. “Please!” 

“You got fucking lucky she’s so goddamn nice.” He hissed shoving the man away. 

Y/N shook her head in disbelief. “You shouldn’t have done that. He’ll try to press charges. I won’t let anything happen to you or Cassie because of me.” 

If that wasn’t the sweetest thing, Colson did’t know what else would top it. “I appreciate that, I do.” Colson brought the younger couple under his arms, holding each of them close to his chest for a moment. “But anything happens to either one of you little shits, I’m invested. You’re family. I know you would do the same for me and my daughter.” 

Y/N stretched onto her tip toes to press a tender kiss on his cheek, a lipstick stain imprinted on the pale skin. “Can we go home now? I’ve had enough socializing to get me through until the next quarantine.” 

We? That sounded like an invite? Surely not. But the way Dom winked at Colson as he pressed a kiss into Y/N’s neck all but confirmed that it was. A low grade pap snapped and sold another photo of Y/N, though this time it was stumbling out into the night air with the two most important men in her life. Rumors swirled but the three just smiled, they made a promise to each other, one they intended to keep. 

[rwbyconversations]

The Scarlet Letter: Let’s talk about RWBY’s male LGBT rep

I have been sitting on this post for nearly four weeks waiting until the 15th due to the Before the Dawn spoiler rules.

So let's start with a blunt statement: RWBY's male LGBT representation has not been good. If the series' handling of female LGBT rep is good (which... well there's worse shows) and the general standard for how you write LGBT characters in a show like this, its handling of male rep has been... how not to. And Before the Dawn kinda solidified the idea in my head that the show's handling of its male LGBT cast just isn't good enough, either by the standards of when RWBY began in 2013, or today in 2020 when compatively massive steps have been taken over the past decade to show a more diverse list of characters... or at least a more diverse list of female characters.

I don't wanna make this a pissing match over how over-or-under-represented male or female LGBT characters are, but I feel like it's safe to say that the majority of the trend-setters for modern romances, especially in western animation, have been between women. Korra and Asami from Korra, Chloe and Max from Life is Strange, Marceline and Bubblegum in Adventure Time, (insert the relevant Steven Universe characters here, never watched it), and more recently, Adora and Catra in She-Ra and Luz in Owl House.

Compatively, while studies have shown that in general male LGBT characters get more appearances on a purely numerical level, in general they're more one-off characters there to pad a roster, or played more for comedy (see Josh Gad in the Beauty and the Beast remake or the gay guy in Avengers Endgame that was more notable for how hard China and Russia snapped him out of existance). The only big male-LGBT focused media I can think of from the last decade would be Yuri On Ice, Moonlight, IDW's Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye (Chromedome/Rewind best pairing fuck you Roberts for issue 16) Love Simon, and the anime adaptation of Banana Fish.

So it's no surprise that RWBY basically follows these ideas. It's big romance is (unless the writers are very stupid) going to be between Blake and Yang, their first out character was Ilia, Coco got sent to the Book Dimension where she confirmed "I use my sunglasses to perv on women without their knowledge" which uh... yeah you can definitely tell RWBY is written by men... and Volume 6 had Saph and Terra being a good example of an LGBT couple without any real drama. In the last three years alone, the show has drastically increased its lesbian and bisexual characters, alongside even including its first out trans character in May Marigold (albeit only revealed on Twitter). In general, these depictions of sexuality have been pretty OK. Would have liked it if Ilia wasn't immediately written out of the show after Volume 5 as it made her feel a bit more disposable than intended but whatever, subject for another day.

RWBY's male rep though is a bit spottier. There's the plant bois in Volume 5's premiere, we nearly had Pilot Boi until some last-minute revisions, and... Scarlet.

Why Scarlet's a bad launchpad for male LGBT rep

I don't like Scarlet or how his sexuality has been handled. Scarlet's homosexuality wasn't revealed in the show, or by the writers, or even in anything that's actually canon. He's confirmed gay in his sole of dialogue in a non-canon fan anthology, where the manga's Twitter team had to say that Miles suggested the idea and approved of it.

In short, Scarlet is Dumbledore'd, where his sexuality is revealed in out-of-show material and in a way that doesn't make it supremely obvious (Miles himself never commented to confirm this so this news was limited in how far it could spread. I'm genuinely curious how many people still don't know Scarlet's gay), and Scarlet himself is a nothing character who was written out of the show after Volume 3 and only reappeared in Before The Dawn, half a decade after he vanished. Compared to Ilia, as this came out after Ilia's entire arc in Volume 5, it's not a great starting point for mlm rep. But things would have been forgiven if it had gotten better, if the show did have more male LGBT characters introduced, even just on the Saphron/Terra level of just being around for a few episodes before leaving. Then it would have been a misfire but then we could all say "Things got better."

It... didn't. Which is why when Before the Dawn released in 2020, a full two years after Scarlet was first confirmed gay, while the franchise had more than doubled its wlw rep, Scarlet remained the one male character in the entire franchise who had a name and liked men. I remember vividly a fake leak for After The Fall which claimed Yatsuhashi would come out to Velvet and admit to having a crush on Fox. And I remember as well how many people were disappointed when it was said to be false, because it would have been nice for Yatsuhashi's character, especially after the fleshing out he gets in the CFVY books. If Yatsu had come out as gay in the books I'd like his writing enough to say he's a good case for rep, albeit with the caveat of "This is all in side material." But in reality, the leak was fake and Coco was confirmed gay instead.

Unfortunately, Before the Dawn proceeded to ruin Scarlet and made me at times feel genuinely uncomfortable as a queer man! Let's talk about that.

Before The Dawn is crap and Scarlet's writing is borderline offensive

I hate Before the Dawn. It's... bad. I read it while on a vacation and the only solace I had about the entire thing was that I'd bought an M&M chocolate bar. The bar was finished before the book. That bummed me out. It's not a very well written book, the prose is very Early 2010s YA Writer, none of the characters are memorable and there's various Fun Incidents like "NGDO using children as bait for Grimm," and "Neptune's hydrophpobia being used as a threat to torture him and the scene is played for comedy."

Theo was cool. I can't wait to see him as written by good writers, he should be a highlight of the Vacuo arc.

I had two hopes for Before the Dawn- "Don't be bad," and "Let Scarlet and Sage be well written." I'd liked how After The Fall had handled some of its characters (barring, y'know, Coco perving on women), especially Fox and Yatsu who were surprising in how much I liked them. I was looking forward to seeing Myers give Sage and Scarlet similar treatment- two relatively nothing characters meant he'd have a blank slate to write them however he wanted, he could give them unique personalties and if nothing else it could be cool to see their Semblances.

And then I read the book. (Sage fans I am so sorry for you, you got baited harder than Johnlock fans)

Scarlet's a giant dickhead in the book. It's his sole character trait and his inner monologues go on, and on, and on about how much he hates Sun, how he revels in mocking him. Most of his dialogue is sarcastic put-downs about Sun and how lame he is, and Sun is never properly allowed to defend himself or point out how going with Blake meant he was able to help save Haven Academy.

(hey remember when Sun in Volume 6 expressly says to Blake "I was a bad leader for ditching Neptune and the others, and I need to work on that" only for Before the Dawn to have him staunchly refuse to accept that he let the team down? I don't think Myers did but I do)

Scarlet being a ratty bitch would be one thing if, again, the franchise had done more rep. He'd still be a badly written character, but it wouldn't sting as much. But because Scarlet is still the only expressly confirmed male LGBT character in canon (the book teases that Nolan is gay but there's never confirmation either way beyond him smiling at Scarlet), it means that he has to represent that entire ideal. So when the one gay man in Remnant is being an asshole and a snide loser, that means that by extension, this is how the franchise sees gay men. And that fucking sucks! I wanted to come out of Before The Dawn singing its praises, I wanted to like the book, but it was a massive letdown, especially coming off of the other big 2020 RWBY controversy involving gay characters.

Yeah. We're doing this.

Clover and Fair Game: Technically not queerbaiting. BUT:

Let's pre-empt this: Clover wasn't queerbaiting, and Fair Game, while cool and I dig it, kudos to them for becoming one of the top 5 RWBY pairings on AO3 in one year that's fucking impressive (I say with mild malice as an IronQrow main), never had a chance. The writing never seriously boosted it barring one interaction which was flirty (them talking in the lobby of the Schnee Manor), and everything else was out of show boosting through the social media teams and CRWBY hyping it themselves by saying they liked it. If you wanna blame people, blame the animators who went off-script with stuff like Kim Newman adding the wink as a deliberate nod to the Volume 4 waitress, or the social media team deliberately using the same policies for Fair Game as they do for Renora and Bumblebee.

It wasn't Eddy's fault that things escalated, and he himself has said that in retrospect, he should have warned people that this never had a shot.

But I can't blame the Fair Game fanbase. Because Fair Game took off like wildfire. It came right as the fanbase began seriously asking for more male rep, Qrow's pretty hot, and the Clover wink came right after the Great IronQrow Reawakening of November 9th, 2019. The rocket was primed, and they rode it to the moon. Finally, to these people, after seven years RWBY seemed to be doing something with mlm rep in show. People started getting into RWBY just for Clover and Qrow's interactions. And if heroes were boring, Watts and Tyrian also had a fantastic dynamic that made Nuts and Volts one of the more popular villain ships overnight. Things seemed to be turning around! RWBY was remembering that gay men existed! You could hear the choir sing!

... And for those people, that meant that episode 12 hit like Truck-Kun.

People got pissed. People were horrified. And it didn't help that some members of CRWBY had said in the build-up that episode 12 would have some shots that made them nauseous (probably the Tyrian thumb thing) Out of context, it looked to these fans like CRWBY were basically laughing at their suffering, like they were saying "Lol, you thought you had a chance, get fucked, I hope your vomit burns on the way up."

Yeah, Fair Game was never gonna be canon, and I think some people ran too far with it. But in the wider context of how desperate RWBY's mlm community had gotten for basic crumbs of content? I can see why they'd run with what they had. The writers aren't at fault for what happened, but CRWBY didn't help matters. And that desperate mix of what felt like official backing from the crew, jokes about how cute the ship was, and the hope that finally the show would have onscreen rep? I can see why people ran with it.

So why is the show more lackluster in depicting mlm characters?

Money. Let's be honest, most RWBY fans don't care if the show doesn't have good male rep. I'm willing to bet some of you reading this won't care and just dismiss it as not being that big a problem. I don't think the writers care if the show doesn't have good mlm rep because they're not poaching that market. They're after what they see as a bigger, more lucrative market, which in this case is female LGBT rep. That gets people buying games, watching shows, raising awareness and boosting awareness of your property, which means you make more money. In short: Two women kissing hits more markets and generates more attention than two men.

Am I saying that Miles, Monty and Kerry deliberately sat down seven years ago and said "We're not doing gay men because it won't generate enough ad revenue and traffic to be worth the loss in revenue from homophobes?" No, that's silly. But I'm saying that it's less important for them, and it shows in the things that are small and add up. Things like Miles not verifying Scarlet's sexuality or retweeting the manga account's confirmation to spread the message (compared to how he enthusiastically confirmed Ilia being a lesbian himself during the Reddit AMA). It shows in how Pilot Boi would have been the first mlm character only to die in his second full episode until M&K were told about the Bury Your Gays trope. It shows in how Shannon believes that Ozma is "megaqueer" and Miles jokingly laughs it off instead of confirming it, leaving it to just be Shannon's headcanon. It shows in how actor shipping is compared between the mlm and wlw ships, where Arryn and Barbara's frequent pushes for Bumblebee are seen as "official confirmation that it's endgame" while Michael and Kerry saying they enjoy Seamonkeys is treated as "well it would be cute if they did it, but they're never going to."

I'm not gonna say anything like "CRWBY are gonna have Qrow end up with a woman like Robyn out of spite against the bad apples of the Fair Game crowd." I'm not gonna say that I don't think CRWBY cares about male representation in the series. It is, however, definitely a low priority for them, and because that leads to gaffes like Scarlet's writing in Before The Dawn being offensive in his depiction, it only makes the contrast between the sexes all the more painfully apparent.

I'm kinda tired of waiting for Rooster Teeth to show that they do care about mlm. I'm kinda tired of RWBY's male rep being written like it came from a 1993 time capsule where I have to enhance the screen to see a guy holding a sign of Sun's abs or be content with the only onscreen rep still being the plant bois in Volume 5. I'm tired of how often the crew dances around answering basic questions about sexuality (and age, and birthdays, and heights, and so on) by treating it as a spoiler question, as if just wanting to know what way people swing would ever be a spoiler. I'm just... tired of all this. When the best mlm rep in Rooster Teeth's history remains the two dads in Camp Camp who show up in a few episodes, that should say something really bad about your company and your biases (To say nothing of the recent Red vs Blue seasons and their blatant queerbaiting for Grif and Simmons and the whole can of worms that is Donut).

I'd like to not feel like I'm borderline unwelcome because I'd like to see two men in this show kiss, and that the sole thing that represents people like me in this show is some British twat who complains about sand.

I'd just like to feel like my sexuality isn't a joke to Rooster Teeth (or at the very least, be like Donut and have it be a funny one). But at this point after the last few years? I feel like a very uncomfortable punchline to them. And it just sucks.

[literaryfaeriecorner]

1/29/21: community, love, and... well, really nothing

link to original post

January 29th, 2021

today i was thinking about how even in the midst of really terrible shit, there's still some really amazing things that can and do happen.

i hate my job with a passion that literally no one around me can understand. back before the pandemic, teaching in the charter system that i work at gave me constant nightmares and panic attacks. i think i have mild PTSD, actually. seriously. after everything went remote, i found some degree of relief. my nightmares happen less frequently, i tend to have less panic attacks, working from home allows me more physical comfort (no one is forcing me to stand on my feet for 10 hours straight), and it's relatively easier to tweet on the job, lol. however, it's still a big point of misery for me. i feel disrespected by my superiors (i literally got cursed out the other week for a logistical mistake that wasn't even my own), my boss-boss hates me, someone leaked screenshots of an instagram post i made last summer about the state of the education system and the charter network i work for took it as some kind of personal attack and i had to answer for it (weird), and i am one of the most underpaid people in my teaching cohort. they explain this away by saying i don't "meet certain data points," and i dont do this and i neglect to do that but i do just as much work if not more than my coworkers... so. anyway, i just want to get out. i hate it. very badly. my job is one of the main causes of my depressive episodes. i'm only still there because i have rent to pay and i also don't want to leave my kids in the middle of the school year... i absolutely would if i got a new job but it would cause me a bit of agony...

anyway, even in the midst of all that negativity and depression and terribleness... i am strangely glad that i ended up there. today, after one of my most taxing classes (it's not exactly a difficult group of students to teach... i just teach them after two other back-to-back classes and by that point i'm drained and absolutely numb in the brain), two of my coworkers jumped on my zoom link to tell me about a mini scandal they happened upon yesterday.

one of my kids' parents is using her daughter's school-issued laptop to sext with some obviously-catfish internet guy behind her husband's back! they discovered this while using our school's device-monitoring program to make sure the kids weren't cheating during a practice exam. the story and screenshots and talk of next-steps were certainly all hilarious and fun and a nice reprieve from a long, tireless day of remote teaching/chasing after kids/grading terrible fucking papers/getting blamed for everything negative under the sun, but the thing i'm most grateful and feeling blessed for is... community. just sitting on a locked zoom call with two other young women talking trash, shooting the shit, gabbing, sharing scandalous information, dramatically reading corny sexts between two older people was absolutely rejuvenating. it felt like being in middle school or high school again. sitting at a table with your friends after a long morning of classes and just talking shit and hanging out and making sure that everyone was good and could make it through another afternoon of the same old tired, boring, draining, depressing shit. it felt good. and i felt grateful. i no doubt would've slipped into self-pity mode which includes scrolling twitter even though no one has anything good to say, snacking on an unholy amount of girlscout cookies, and napping for the last ten minutes of my break before going into another excruciatingly long period of teaching european history (yuck!).

the thing i hate most about the pandemic is that i am missing out on community. i miss going to bars and clubs and parties by myself and plunging into a room full of people who are also open to meeting someone new, getting into something exciting, running away from home. my favorite part of last school year was getting off of work and heading to dinner with a date, or a friend's house for drinks, or to a book signing or art and culture event. just running around nyc for as long as i could, having as much fun as i could, with as many people as i could before the clock struck 12 and i would have to get up in the morning and play the role of boring, underpaid single female middle school teacher again. now, it feels like i can never escape that role. it feels like my entire life is about being a teacher and being abused and underpaid and stupid and lame and underappreciated. i miss my communities and the identities i found within them.

that's why i was so grateful to my coworkers. for a period of 30 - 35 mins or so, i wasn't just a teacher. i was a friend, a gossip, an asshole, a bitch, a silly girl, a person. a whole person. and i hardly ever feel like a whole person anymore. the four walls of my room don't seem big enough to fit a whole person. just a teacher. just a student. just a failure. just a fuck-up.

i love love. i know they're just my coworkers but i'd be lying if i said i didn't love them. i was also thinking, today, about how people are only in our lives for seasons. and sometimes we know this. like, for example, i know that if i got a job at a new place right this moment (fingers crossed, from this blog to God's ears!!!) that i would leave and probably never hear or speak to any of my coworkers again. and i was thinking how i was ok with this. it wouldn't diminish my love for them in any way or make me feel like i need to find some way to keep them around forever... it just is what it is. i can love them and still know that we aren't meant to be together for too long. we got each other through this hellhole of a job without killing ourselves and that's enough for a lifetime, to be honest.

i was supposed to write all these thoughts way earlier but He messaged me on instagram. He replied to a post of mine talking about WandaVision and apologizing for not texting back last saturday... since this is my blog and im basically anonymous, i'm not ashamed to say that seeing his name pop up on my phone is enough to send me over the moon... especially when it's unexpected and unprompted... he's such a bozo though and i basically let him know... i am a big believer in honesty and eagerness but sometimes a little cool is needed. i brushed off his apology and let him know he was sorry as fuck all the time and then congratulated him on being the kind of person who gets to say "i was just overwhelmed because the judge fucked us over and now i'm working until midnight for the next week." that's probably weird but what can be better than having a job that you like, doing something that you love and that is DEFINITELY helping your career... that's more than what some people have... (i am some people, unfortunately, but i'm looking at getting out of being such a fucking loser)

umm.. it's 1AM now and i have another long, tireless day of being a fucking superhuman aka teacher tomorrow so i'm going to go to bed but i feel like i didn't blog right because i didn't have a clear beginning, middle, end and proper sign off and i know i'm being silly and blogs don't always have to be like that but that's how i feel... but i have to go so that's how it's gonna have to be. i just wanted to write my thoughts down and update my blog because i'm trying to keep my promises to myself in 2021. if i don't keep promises to myself... how will i get anything done?

also He just messaged me back again :) and i have to stare at the message for AT LEAST 30 mins before i can settle into sleep mode.

until next time.

[ssaalexblake]

obligatory post viewing the last jedi comment/laterblog/thought dump SPOILERS,

SPOILERS do not read FUCKING MAJOR LAST JEDI SPOILERS look away

honestly it’s a good job billie lourd looks more like debbie reynolds than carrie b/c it’d confuse people otherwise 

also.... why is Hux so funny??? he is such a loser, he’s supposed to be this big scary bad guy but he’s like... the whump bait for the bad guys. I laughed almost every time he was on screen b/c he was so pathetic it reached levels of genuine funny. I don’t often see the comic relief guy be the fuck awful one. 

BUT POE THO WITH THAT I’M HOLDING FOR HUX SASS i love him so much 

and bb8′s methods of fixing shit are worryingly like mine AKA pray for the best, hope it doesn’t catch fire

i love general leia organa 

ALSO CANONICAL MOVIE USAGE OF THE FORCE FUCKBOYS, ON SCREEN DEMONSTRATION OF PHYSICAL FORCE ABILITIES FROM GENERAL LEIA ORGANA, NO MORE DENYING IT B/C HER SENSING LUKE ISN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU

get fucked fuck boys 

laura dern has a really long neck and i never noticed before

finn’s leaking suit was so lol worthy is2g

also highkey poe is super in love with finn still jjust so u know

at the end of the movie poe and rey drink han’s leftover liquor b/c they missed hitting that

R O S E

Rose not hesitating to stun Finn’s ass 

Rose who lost her sister in a run suggested by Poe and didn’t hold it against him

Rose who got to cry and CARE and stand for something, Rose who carried on without stopping because her sister died for this and she will carry on, she /will/.

Rose who wouldn’t let Finn die, because there are unavoidable sacrifices, and he wouldn’t be one of them

i fucking love Rose

LUKE FUCKING SKYWALKER MAKING TUMBLR CRACK POSTS COME TRUE 2017 like seriously HE FUCKING PITCHED THE LIGHSABER OVER HIS SHOULDER LIKE THAT CRACK COMIC

i fucking died

and my lordy the PORGS my sweet penuin like noodles

i love them so much

also luke has clearly inheritied some never before seen Extra(tm) ualities from Anakin b/c /// dude/// u could have done ANYTHING to catch that fish but y’all have to pitch yourself off a fucking cliff on a pointy stick and spear it

dude

not even gonna talk about the milking thing that was just as uncomfortable as they intended it to be

rey mocking his daily routine tho

REACH OUT *raises arm* *eyes roll so hard they fall off the cliff and fall into sea*

luke tickling her hand with the thing i died

Rey accidentally destroying the whole island and being judged by the lizard fish people

rey asking him to put clothes on through unexpected force visions tho highkey me he was more ripped than i’d expected and it was kinda distracting

oh and i forgot kylie being totally unwilling to shoot the bridge out bc he could sense leia. Leia knowing he was there with the finger on the trigger.

oh shit tho

do u think she knew it wasn’t him who fired??? He couldn’t do it, rando soldiers did it, but did Leia know??

I liked the way they did the kylie/rey interactions, like, filming wise?? it was good??? and also they didn’t offend my sensibilities either. I kinda like that she tried to get him to do the right thing but then was like ‘well... oh well imma fight u down instead’. Girl is practical. isn’t gonna give up what’s important for his ass. 

THEY DRAGGED MONACO’S ENTIRE ASS

srsly... it’s entire goddamn ass

and people who make mint off war

tho i greatly appreciate the comment that they sell to the resistance too. It cheapens the depth of it if you imply otherwise. 

‘the most depraved people in the galaxy’ 

*supercut to super rich people casino*

Chewie ate a porg and i cried 

i cried just like the other porgs

the leia holo and the trinket and everything that made me hurt

despite anything else, Rey’s utter confidence that she can and will turn Kylie to the light again warmed me. Like yeah, you go girl, you believe you can do anything. 

ok tho but Poe and purple dern (idr her name oops so purple dern she is) irritated me in a way that the narrative was so obviously framed against her and i’m fed up with stories doing that to women, forcing us to doubt them to only prove ‘look we gotcha!!! why did u think badly of the lady???’, She was never wrong, Poe kinda did do that, but narrative bias and all. But also the mutiny was hilarious b/c they were so bad at it. And leia stunning poe and 3po and Not Leia Jr immediately putting their hands up lol

and star wars is know for loud and obnoxious, and i ADORED that they used this to their advantage and had utter, complete, total silence after purple dern made her move. 

BB8 was stunning the whole movie full stop

snoke was a dick and i’m still laughing that he like, got chopped in 2 and later u see his arm still on the side indicating he ended up more than 2 parts. just subtly in the bg bc this is not a high rated movie

Hux’s reaction to all of this was utterly priceless btw i was in stitches

HIGHKEY tho Finn’s showdown with Phasma. So good. So So good. like, the one blue eye. Quiet, yet ultimately powerful symbolism that didn’t need flash to make it’s point.

i loved that Ren called Rey Nobody. He called her nobody. Like, i know everybody was on team ‘rey should be a solo or skywalker!!’ but this was narratively more significant. Kylo wants to erase everything. He wants freedom from his legacy, from the past. From Snoke an Skywalker alike. He called her nobody as an insult, and to be nobody is all he wants. It’s everything he wants. It was telling. Rey has a freedom he does not and he knows it. 

whoever made the red salt ground decision, like, amazing, the symbolism of the resistance being shot in the heart and the imagary of the red salt spooling out of the opening like they were bleeding out dangerously was a brilliant piece of visual storytelling. 

luke and leia just

it was good enough that i’m not super bitter she didn’t smack him upside the head

in the end though, i think it was a good conclusion of Luke’s arc. It was very Kenobi, and I think Luke would have liked it that way. 

i know people criticise the new ones for using the formula from the original episodes, but like, i think nowadays that has a certain amount of resonance to it itself. 

Rey escaping with everybody on the falcon while the old, scraggly, lived in exile mentor fights off the big bad? it was symmetrical. 

OH and when kyle issues an order, and Hux repeats it with gusto and then ren just fucking LOOKED at hux once going *dude wtf* was top tier humour

i like bad guys who are genuinely fucking terrible but also so easy to mock. 

and hux’s ‘do u think u got him?’ 

i loved rey and Poe’s little meet cute like they’re gon be such cute friends and they’re gonna be finn’s wingmen lbr 

and the movie achieved the modus operandi. A spark can start a flame. Most of them all got slaughtered, and the end of the movie was hopeful??? All that’s left is enough people to pack into the falcon and run with, but it didn’t feel like despair. It felt hopeful. 

and then topping it off with a shot of the little boy looking into the horizon, talking to his friends about Luke Skywalker, and then his broom in the shadow of the sun looking like a lightsaber, resistance ring on his finger. 

i’m emotional. 

and a last thought, when i saw luke’s x-wing in the water, i thought the Moment would be him lifting it from the depths, like it was so long ago, but i was wrong, it will stay there forever now. It seems fitting that his jedi journey started with his ship sinking and it ended sunk for good. 

[thetravellingvagrant]

Day 1: Glasgow-London - In Which I Ride Three Too Many Buses

I was awake before my ludicrously early alarm even had a chance to punch my ears in all to buggery with its obnoxiously soothing little wake-up ditty. Sam had – rather selfishly I felt – had a flare up of hay fever symptoms in the night and subsequentially had honked both her and myself awake a fairly generous length of time before we were supposed to be.

Desperately trying not to go into a grump before even the Pre-Vagrancy had properly begun, I decided to think of my premature arousal as me having beaten my alarm by a clear twenty minutes (which is actually loads. Step you game up, alarm, you fucking loser) and hoisted myself into a no less bleary eyed but now substantially more vertical mess of hair and unhappiness.

Thanks to Sam's...enthusiasm for over-preparation (which some people more calloused than I might describe as withering anality, but not me, because I'm a good and supportive boyfriend and not one of you has the stones to say otherwise) we left her flat with an  unnecessarily long time buffer to play with before our Megabus to London was due to depart at 7:00am. At the very least it did seem that travelling with Sam would be a pretty effective prophylactic against the first-day-curse.

And so, after a quick detour to take some bin-bags out, we were officially ready for adventure

To Adventure! (Not pictured: Peru)

We made the brief journey to Hyndland train station, literally screaming with laughter over how much time we had to spare, though as we began our ascent to the platform, Sam stopped in her tracks. To be honest, I thought she was ironically killing time, because we had so much of it to spare that she felt entirely comfortable making a mockery of it on a conceptual level. I was, however, as the sharper readers out there may already have figured out, wrong about that.

“...I've forgotten my lunch”

I blinked and sighed. I slinked, or blighed- whichever one reads better in text (slinked I think...)- and, without speaking, spun on my heels and headed back flatwards, annoyed to have to backtrack carrying the heavy backpack that I was, but also quietly vindicated that we didn't get up early for no good reason and secretly overjoyed to have not been the first one of us to have fucked up in any sort of significant way.

Sam hopped back up to her flat to collect her food while I sat outside, pretending to be okay with the situation. A few minutes later, she reappeared, visibly distressed.

“I can't find it!”

...It was a bright orange Sainsbury's carrier bag, which- owing to the fact that she had definitely had it in her hands moments before leaving- would presumably have been placed in a very noticeable location. How on earth could she not find it? Slinking again, I stood up to venture inside for a poke around of my own. As I did, however, a thought hit me.

“Did you...” I mused, “Did you, uh...when we took the bins out...” I motioned to the trash can, by which I was sitting. A moment passed. Sam Slinked, except without the sighing part – if only they had a word for that – and without speaking, lifted the huge, perforated, leaking bag of trash from the bin into which she had placed it minutes earlier, rooted around a little and with an almost exactly equal mixture of triumph and defeat, which I have never seen before and venture that I never will again, hoisted her bright orange Sainsbury's bag full of food from its stinking tomb. It seemed that Sam would be instrumental in my avoiding the first day curse, after all. By transferring it all to herself instead. To be honest, I was still fine with that, being the supportive and good boyfriend that I absolutely am.

With one train now missed, but still ample(-ish) time, we boarded the next available one, trash meal in hand (Sam's hand, that is- I want to stress that my food did not go in a bin) and finally, were away, but like, for real this time.

We proceeded to Buchanan bus station with ease, being the seasoned travellers that we both undeniably are- and found ourselves eagerly awaiting out cramped, uncomfortable carriage to London a full 17 minutes before it was due to depart. Smashed it, lad.

It was hot. Even at 7am the heat was unpleasant and irritating. This, compounded by our lack of sleep, heavy bags and our being surrounded by irritating and unpleasant Megabus passengers meant that grumpiness was very much the order of the day.

We waited in as orderly a queue as I think it is possible to do while waiting for a Megabus as our poverty-chariot sat idling for 20 minutes beyond its scheduled departure time. While the rest of us witless dullards waited in what was very clearly the correct (and only) queue, however, a couple, who I can really only describe as fat Nikki Sixx (a phrase I have stolen wholesale, from a friend, but will not be crediting) and his child bride defied this most basic piece of bus-etiquette like the true mavericks they were and began a second, auxiliary queue, slightly round the corner from us, in which they were the premiere members.

The rest of us, being British and therefore spineless in the face of low-level conflict remained quiet and privately seethed over the sheer gall of this undeniably brazen act. Finally, however, we were allowed to board and Fat Nikki Sixx and his jailbait queen were summarily informed by the stout, smelly driver to join the very back of the actual queue. A hero's move and one that was met with an audible cheer from the crowd. Or rather, one person in the crowd. Sam. It was Sam. Boy she hated those people. With that little victory in our pockets, we took the available seats least likely to make Sam vomit into a carrier bag during the journey and were finally London-bound.

Our first bus journey of the day was remarkably uneventful- Aside from a young woman managing to lock herself in the bus toilet and screaming at the top of her lungs “HELP. HELP, I'M TRAPPED IN THE TOILET” before managing to unlock the door for herself, literally seconds later- an episode which I missed due to having headphones in, but am told by Sam, was very funny, not much of any note happened at all. No drunk Scottish person being ejected at Preston despite the fact it was still before 10am, no African woman who had booked a ticket for the wrong day, though still inexplicably expected to be allowed on board. Nothing. I listened to podcasts and watched films for the duration and Sam ate her bag of trash like a little raccoon and that was it.

We soon arrived in London and upon stepping foot of the bus, immediately realised how good its air conditioning had been. It was literally like opening an oven door. While on fire. That bit was a little less literal.  It was very hot though; something like 34 degrees, which, if you're interested was actually 3 degrees hotter than the Amazon rain-forest was, that day.

We lugged our shit from Victoria coach station to the nearby Sainsbury's for the evening's rations and a little ice-lolly and back to the station to catch our second bus of the day, to Gatwick Airport. This round-trip took less than twenty minutes, but was enough to reduce me to the most disgusting, sweatiest, unhappiest mess I have ever been (and people who know me will tell you, that is an incredibly low bar for me to have to limbo under). If I had even a little moisture left in my body, I would definitely have been weeping it out.

Pictured: A happy, dry man.

An agonisingly uncomfortable 25 minutes later, though, and we were aboard bus number 2, literally (not literally) flying towards Gatwick. The AC on this bus – and I know this is a boring thing to write about. Write your own sweet travel blog if you don't like it – was truly top notch,. I honestly felt the majority of the journey feeling a little chilly, if anything. I could probably quite comfortably  have put a hoodie on. I didn't; that would have been ludicrous, obviously, but I could have. I stress again, start your own travel blog if you don't like this bit.

After a lot longer than you would expect it would take to drive to an airport with the name of the city you are currently in, in its own name, we arrived; tired, bedraggled and in desperate need of dinner and a sleep. We stepped back into the unpleasant idiot-furnace that was the world outside and headed towards our final bus of the day: the airport shuttle to our travelodge.

We (I) found the right stop and waited in the blazing, horrible heat. After a brief interlude in which Sam, who can be...a bit stressy, insisted we get on the wrong bus because it was there and she didn't want to miss it, despite it going to the wrong Travelodge, we boarded the /correct/ bus  and undertook the arduous four minute journey which cost us both that many pounds per ticket, which obviously I was utterly thrilled over, because I hate money and always wish I had less of it,

Now, utterly befuckled on a frankly cosmic level, we dragged ourselves through the doors of the lodge, to the horrified gasps of the other guests. Fifteen hours after we had started and around a stone lighter each in sweat, we had arrived. I don't think anyone has ever been as pleased to step foot inside a travelodge as I was at that point and honestly? I don't think anyone ever will be, again. I was so happy that I nearly didn't even care about how much that fucking shuttle bus had cost and everything.

Any notion of pride or class entirely gone, now (a slightly bigger drop for Sam than for me), we did what apparently just comes naturally to vagrants and sat, in bed, in our pants, eating sandwiches in bed , while watching absolute garbage on a woefully underspecced laptop. At least it seemed like that bit would be the same as travelling alone.