#you feel the decades of total isolation and you tell me if I'm doing as badly as you've decided I am

[medicinemane]

Seriously, it would be a mercy to kill me. I'm begging for help dying. Do you not see why it's fucking torture to keep my alive while living with her? I'll never escape her, like there's just no practical way to make it happen

And yet, till I get my act together and find a way to die already, show must go on

[mysterycitrus]

recently finished batgirl 2000 and i'm feeling Insane about her. do you have any opinions on the run? the character herself?

bro cass cain and batgirl 2000 are litchrally on my mind 24/7 and the more i think about her the more unhinged i become. how perfectly she mirrors bruce’s own internal struggle. her love for all things living. her desire to change. her disconnection from everyone in her life by speaking a language only her mother knows. her belief in the good. her absolute self-conviction and confidence to the detriment of her own life. the roses. wow wow wow

the more i read the more ive completely lost patience with comic fans who totally ignore or rebuke her as a character in comparison to bruce’s other kids. talking about the male robins with her noticeably absent is an immediate close tab. “she’s boring” “she’s underdeveloped” “she’s not as interesting” just tells me they’ve never actually read her run, or engaged with her character in good faith. her total exclusion from fan content about the waynes, her absence in fanfic, her reduction to a smiling, placid little girl who isn’t allowed a dissenting opinion. she has a single comic run from the early aughts that’s better than anything published this decade please be so incredibly serious!!!

she’s the most like bruce by any metric. dick understands bruce better than anyone, but cass is bruce, for both the good and bad. he sees her commitment to giving everyone a chance, sees her devotion to life, and is both awed and horrified. there’s a bit outta persephone that i still think about a lot:

Cassandra replies: “I was born into violence. Not to this life, but something worse. I was made to hurt people. I chose differently. I changed the path and found this. This new life, new purpose, new home.” She taps the symbol on her chest. “This, I wear to help people. To protect them. To start each day better, and brighter. The way I grew up… it was isolated, and lonely. I spoke a language no one else understood. There was no kindness because a weapon is to be used. Used to hurt, and cut, and kill. Who cares what a tool thinks?”

in my mind she is thee only choice for batman if bruce retires — for literally anyone else it’d just be character regression. dick would rather kill himself. the cowl would kill tim. jason needs to grow his own morals. damian works better as a narrative foil by attaining his own mantle, his own destiny. if nightwing is what batman could never be, then cass is what batman should be. she cares about the mantle, and has made it her own. she embodies all of bruce’s worst habits, but overcomes them. she is what gotham truly needs.

[rey-jake-therapist]

I'm not a Dreamuse shipper by any means, but each time I read that Calliope and Morpheus are "totally unshippable" because "they're done and only bounded by Orpheus' death", or because if they got back together Dream would send her to Hell since, apparently, that's what he does to all the women he dates (I already expressed myself about this strange claim here.), I feel the urge to write a couple of Dreamuse short fics where it actually *works* out of spite.

Like... Sure, it's much easier to start a brand new whole story from scratch and use every available trope, than take an existing, broken relationship where the author left it and fix it with notions of (self-) forgiveness and mutual comfort. Hey look, I've written a Dream x OC fic myself so of course I totally understand this choice. But don't go and tell me that the potential of a post-fishbowl reconciliation isn't HUGE.

Do you know what upsets me with all these claims that Dream would do the same thing to Calliope (or any other female character he could potentially date) as he did to Nada? It's that it completely denies the fact that being trapped and isolated for 100 years changed Dream. It's like when Daniel is compared with Morpheus, with the claim that they're completely opposite: that Daniel is warm and kind while Morpheus is cold and nasty. It's another claim which, IMHO, also lacks nuance and denies Morpheus' post-fishbowl growth. Indeed, Daniel is warmer and kinder than Morpheus ever was, but he's this way because Morpheus himself was warmer and nicer at the end. Daniel is the result of a natural evolution, not a negative of Morpheus.

And in regards to Calliope, we don't know what kind of person she was before being captured and abused for decades, but she likely came out of it changed as well. They're obviously not the same people they were when they broke up, and if they wanted they would have much to learn from this experience and each other... I repeat: the potential is huge for anyone who wants to think about it. It's cool to not be interested, it's just as cool to prefer shipping another pair, but saying that there's no potential for shipping is just, sorry, wrong lol And I often even ponder if Morpheus had let Calliope visit and allowed himself to bond with her again, maybe the outcome would have been different for him. He wouldn't have been alone to face all... this.

Tagging @writing-for-life for... reasons ;)

[woman-respecter]

i kind of can't believe i feel this way b/c i was already pretty cynical on this account, but like....i too am pretty floored by how comfortable europeans feel mustering huge, condescending, ill-informed opinions on this. the people who built huge swaths of their societies and national concepts out of hating, murdering, and exploiting us. my grandma always said they have no shame when it comes to us, but my god, i don't know, i thought maybe they would still pretend to have a little so long as the holocaust was still in living memory. i'm the prior half-and-half anon, and like. something very awkward for me rn is, i live in a very lefty part of the us. and so many of my friends are so eager to examine their own biases and bigotries when it comes to to one half of me. that's not to say they always really do it, but like, some of them do put in good-faith effort, and most at least know it's important to *look* like you give a shit about this stuff. but there is is literally no concept that they should do this with jews. i know for a fact a lot of them grew up with kike and christ-killer being terms used in the home, and plenty of them come from peoples and places that built themselves and their wealth on systemic jewish disenfranchisement and death. but there's just no interest in antisemitism, or, frankly, any real shared belief that this is even a real bigotry and not a temporary fever that gripped germany in total isolation for a decade or so. so i'm left with all these friends who caaaare soooo muuuch about one thing, but not the other, which i worry over, frankly, a lot more. i'm really starting to lose it. like, cool, friend telling me he thinks trump's immigration rhetoric is awful. that's really cool. maybe you could also read literally one article by a jew about antisemitism. no? cool. cool. idk if you've read dara horn's work, but she makes this point in her book people love dead jews that a lot of holocaust education doesn't seem to have done much, and that there's a particular weakness in how much of it has tried to appeal to gentiles by making it seem like something that could have happened to them. i'm really feeling that right now. people really know.....NOTHING about what antisemitism is, or how it functions, or it's history. they only really understand it as a denuded metaphor they can put towards their pet causes. and i feel that from such a weird mismatched pov every single day.

yeah exactly. they truly have no shame. like these people can understand white supremacy and how they may benefit from it but don’t get the same for antisemitism…

and i have read dara horn’s work and think she made a really good point with that

[just-prime]

8 : Oh so boring

The horrifying MCU-ification of the Star Wars universe is in horrific display as 8 episodes lead nowhere but setup.

Before I get to everything else, I do want to say, Ray Stevenson's passing is a true tragedy, and I appreciate the love and care he clearly put into his character. He was the only compelling one, and I shudder to think of how Disney will probably heartlessly recast.

Now, on to the episode

Well, all the leaks that said it was zombies were right, to the surprise of no one. This is the MCU now, we need something more than just a fuck ton of stormtroopers to blow through, we need an undead CGI army.

First off : The Jedi, The Witch, and The Warlord...FUCK OFF FILONI. YOU ARE NOT CUTE.

The show opens with the attempt to lull Legends fans back into a Sion reference for no reason. Also, Thrawn's super baggy pants seem unnecessary, especially since the design in Rebels always has him in perfectly tailored clothes. Nothing during his decade abroad that would have cause the pants to change that drastically, so it just feels like an unnecessary change that is not an attractive look :(

Morgan's power ups make no sense, and as soon as she got them she was going to die. Her eyes had me making a half dozen Supernatural jokes for obvious reasons. The whole "Blade of Talzin" thing is also very dumb given the fact that I assume Mother Talzin would have used every weapon in her arsenal to stop Grievous, and I would think a lightsaber proof sword is on that list.

The entire "Ezra makes himself a new lightsaber" scene filled me rage for a few reasons.

A) Ezra literally just turned down Sabine's offer of the lightsaber for the martial arts force powers which we never see him use again.

B) Huyang knowing about Caleb and Kanan being the same person feels kinda weird to me to be perfectly honest.

C) Ezra's new lightsaber is boring. Full stop. This is the kid who built a gun into his first one, it makes no sense that he'd make one that looks this mediocre.

D) All of Sabine's family dying horrible deaths on Mandalore has always struck me as a cop out. It's just lazy writing to isolate Sabine.

The Stakes

Spoiler alert : THERE ARE NONE

We knew this was going to end in a cliffhanger for a while now, which means none of the main cast was going to die. Morgan has always been a means to an end for Thrawn, not that her loyalty was ever explain...But none of our heroes were gonna bite it (regardless of how I hoped for Huyang to explode) so there were no stakes. Thrawn had to escape, despite the fact that he is weirdly shaken, so he does. Ezra had to get home, so he does. Sabine and Ahsoka are now trapped on some stupid Mortis world??? Okay, pause, I'm getting ahead of myself here...because before that...

Sabine has the Force now

My deepest condolences to anyone who is finding this out from me, but Sabine is offically confirmed and shown to be Force sensitive. Yes it is dumb. Yes it makes no sense. Yes this is something we all saw being foreshadowed from day one, unfortunately. Especially with the playing down of her Mandalorian-ness (she's constantly losing her helmet, her gun accuracy has utterly gone, she barely uses her gauntlets, etc etc) it was obvious that Filoni wanted to do with her, what he was too cowardly to do with Grogu.

Other miscellaneous shit

It turns out that Ahsoka's shuttle is Jedi era...which makes no fucking sense.

The nightsisters being totally on board with the Empire feels like their ability to tell what's going on in the main universe might be a bit sketchy do to the fact that they missed that the guy in charge of the Empire is the one who ordered Dathomir razzed.

100% of the problems that the gang run into would have been solved if Sabine had a fucking jetpack

They pull the "Thrawn knew Anakin" card out of nowhere in the dumbest possible way, which really just goes to show how much FIloni hates the new canon Thrawn books.

Chopper recognizes Ezra (which was rather cute) before Hera does, because he decides to show up on a New Republic cruiser in full Thrawn stormtrooper garb. Also we don't even get a hug between Hera and Ezra.

Shin (because she exists, remember?) who is also stranded now, goes and appears to be taking over the bandit camp we saw earlier. Have no idea where they are taking that...but honestly, good for Shin doing something for her, this seems like a selfcare move.

Now, the ending...Fucking Mortis

So, the final shot we get of Baylan, he is standing on a giant statue of The Father (there is a statue of The Son, and a destroyed statue of The Daughter) pointing out towards something on the horizon.

Back at the hermit crab people camp, Ahsoka and Sabine (and fucking Anakin's ghost, because that's right people, instead of hanging out with his son, Anakin has been just hovering over Ahsoka this whole time apparently) here this chirping, and it's a fucking creepy hyper realistic CGI Morai.

So yeah, that's clearly how all of the trapped characters are going to get off this planet...the World between Worlds. Now, this brings up a fuck ton more questions...Chief of all being how did Ezra not use this to escape years ago???

And I get that Mortis is not everybody's favorite Clone Wars arc. Which is fair. I don't hate it, but I never loved it, and Filoni dragging in the dumbest piece of Force lore that he created is infuriating. ESPECIALLY with this being so obviously aimed at those who've not watched Clone Wars or Rebels. I'm curious to see how much he immediately recons about it, given that it's been his go-to move since before even Mando s3...

I fear they're going to do something like "Bayan is The Father, Ahsoka is The Daughter, and Shin and Sabine have to fight over being The Son" or some stupid bullshit like that.

I'm glad this is the last Filoni property we're getting for a while, since I'm pretty sure he's not involved with Skeleton Crew at all writing-wise.

I am just so happy it's over!

In the meantime, if you are as annoyed at Filoni as I am, spite him by reading the new canon Thrawn books!!! They are really fantastic and give Thrawn a lot of facinating depth, along with having an incredible cast of side characters.

For those of you who are new or just finding me because of my Ahsoka rants, please stick around!!! I'm sure I will be having other annoyed Ahsoka thoughts in the weeks to come as I think back about the full series and about just everything that it's fucked up. Feel free to pop into my ask box if you're curious about my other Star Wars related opinions, I'm more than happy to answer, though know that for the majority of the recent shows, I do not look fondly.

But if you are looking for some vindication on not enjoying recent Star Wars things, then this is the blog for you!!!

[idrewacow]

I know this tumblr isn't very active, but I just had to tell you how absolutely enthralled I am with your negitoro writing. I've just started getting back into vocaloid after not really engaging with the fandom since I was a tween/teen, and I cannot tell you how much I've been enjoying your fics. It made me so incredibly happy to see someone who has been writing in this fandom for so long and is still active after all this time!

Maybe it sounds silly, but it felt really welcoming to rejoin the fandom and see an incredible fic (Panthera) is being currently updated! It feels like I'm getting to be a part of something that I feared I totally missed.

I'm a writer myself, and it's so inspiring seeing what you do with these characters. I'm excited with every fic I open, knowing that Miku and Luka will be completely different each time around and yet it captures me every time. Tale of Survival was my introduction to your work, but I've since devoured The Reason, Isolation, Moretta, Space Shanty, Stray Cat and more.

I'm definitely rambling, but I just wanted to thank you again for all you do. Writing this many stories and sharing them with the world for over a decade? I'm inspired as hell and incredibly grateful. I'll continue singing the praises of these fics until I can get some new fans to eagerly await the next chapter of Panthera with me.

Thank you so much for all the kind words! The fandom has indeed shrunk a lot in the last few years, so it's actually really motivating and inspiring to hear that there's still people around, or that people might have come back! Sometimes it feels like I'm writing for a vacuum (aside myself, it's important to do things just because it makes you happy of course) so it's really reassuring that the crowd exists. :) That you liked so many of my projects is a huge bonus, and I'm immensely flattered, thank you.

Time does fly, it's hard to believe it's been a decade. More, even. Wow. But it has, and mostly thanks to messages like these that keep the motivation alive. So thanks once again for being a part of the fandom and for messaging! I hope you continue to enjoy Panthera as it updates (more to come asap)!

[futurebird]

The phone was ringing.

Our study had not been going well. A strained quality entered communications between the research team & university. Funding cuts loomed.

It was decadent to have me living in a sealed-off apartment, isolated from news & visitors just to provide a control. My copy would be in a similar room, modeled on my own. But, from the moment the experiment started I questioned the need for a "control." Still, it was nice to get some quiet work done. So, I said nothing.

The phone was ringing.

--it was just too obvious that my room was the real one. The way the dust motes played in the air. The little house spider I'd found under the sink and now kept as a pet on my desk. This space was too detailed, too granular, too full of the mundane (but unexpected) to be a digital model.

And most important of all? I didn't feel any different.

But, the phone was ringing.

I lifted the receiver. Paul's voice.

"It's happened." He sounded tired, like he'd just come out of a long argument. "They're cutting funding."

"Dammit!" I said. I was angry, but also not totally unhappy with the news. I'd been in for two weeks. I started to think about going out. The library... a nice restaurant. It took me a moment to process that Paul had simply stopped talking. Was he crying?

A wheeling sense of vertigo seized me. Was he crying? Why had he used the phone?

"I really thought-" his voice choking "-I thought a lot about if I should contact you first."

"Don't be silly, Paul." I said squeezing the receiver of the phone in a death grip. "I'm a big girl. Just." I had to ask. "Why are you using the phone? Why not just unlock the door?" I blurted the question, even managed a nervous laugh. But, in my ears I could only hear the pounding of my blood, my heart, pure terror.

I knew why.

A new voice came on the line. It was me.

"Hey there." she said, her tone was consoling gentle. Just how I would do it. I hated her. "We always wanted to do this didn't we? Talk to ourselves."

That was true. I guess I couldn't resist. But from where I was it just felt like rubbing it in. She would go on. I would not.

"I realized I was the control after just a few hours." she said. "I haven't been in the room for a week. I've been watching you. All the funds have been going to keep you running."

"This is hard. I suspect you hate me right now. That's how I'd feel." She said.

"No..." I managed numbly.

"Well, I've been watching you. I think you have been keeping something back. I thought maybe you'd tell me... for the research."

I knew I should tell her that I too had thought I was the control. But I was too angry, too disgusted with myself for being fooled to say anything.

"Just get it over with." I said coldly.

I looked to my desk at the house spider in the jar. In that moment I loved that little spider more than all of the people in the "real" world combined.

I put down the receiver. And waited to stop waiting.

[omniscientwreck]

Tell me about your special little guy and his philosophy :3

Thank you so much for asking I've literally been thinking about this all day! The special little guy in question is Xaryl and he's a Knowledge Domain cleric I play in a game with some mutuals (oops!all party this probably isn't gonna contain serious spoilers for Xaryl but it isn't all stuff that he's fully laid out in campaign so i'm putting it under a cut. Do with that what you will) (sorry there's a lot, I created my own hyperfixation when I created Xaryl and I'm incapable of speaking about him briefly)

So this question is in regards to the ideas expressed in this post about the Luxon and the part about the Luxon that always stood out to me is the questions of Identity and how does one Know themself.

So Xaryl is a reader and a philosopher. He was isolated from his family as a teenager and taken away from most peer interaction his age to go assume a role in the Den he didn't want or ask for. His anamnesis didn't go correctly and his memories of his previous life are fragmented and have plagued him his entire life. He's hidden himself away and acted purely out of self preservation for decades, as long as he'd been with the dens.

So Xaryl's thoughts are essentially this: we cannot know ourselves devoid of each other. People (humanoids) are social creatures, we form groups and alliances and forge collective identities on various scopes (for example, being a Communist, being a nurse, being a particular person's brother, being a part of a certain family) and those add to, and inform our identites.

Further, we have different identites to and around different people. Then the question becomes something more like: which version of me is real? is every version of me real? do I have one identity or do I have many? does my identity exist as mine or is it a way for others to interpret me?

So with the Luxon, it created the primordials and then they were lost to the darkness as they warred within themselves, and so it scattered itself, hoping that eventually life would be refined and those that were bound to its light would live and live again and teach it about itself. It went dormant after that, it doesn't talk, so Luxon worshippers are left to determine "who am I and why am I?" for a being that hasn't really had any contact with it's followers.

So like, through all of this, lonely lost little Xaryl determines, in the middle of 80 years of isolating himself for his safety, that our purpose, and the Luxon's in turn, is to be known and to know. He works his way around to community and love as the meanings of life, and things to aspire to (despite not having those things for much of his life) so the way he prays turns into becoming the Luxon's friend. For decades instead of like "praying" he told the Luxon stories about his life, he tried to send it sensations of flavour or the smell of rain on cobblestone, or the sound and feeling of music. And he fought with the Luxon in his mind and said things he regretted in anger. He formed this totally one sided (until very recently but that's game canon) friendship and relationship and identity based entirely on something that, if he didn't literally get clerical powers from it, he might think existed only in his mind. So what does that make him? Xaryl, friend of the Luxon? Does that make it his friend in return? Is the true answer to "Who am I?" contained in the viewpoint of a single person? Is it responsible for the things its followers have done in its absence and silence? Is that its identity? What about the other side of the world, where surely there must be beacons? Do the people there think the same things? Could the same being's beacons elicit two completely different and opposed schools of worship? Much to consider.

Sorry this isn't as coherent as I'd like it to be and also sorry it's so long but thaaaaaaank you for asking I had a very tiring work day and it's nice to just talk about my oc's :3

[always-andromeda]

hi! this is in response to your earlier post about inadequacy, mental health, etc. so absolutely feel free to not post this (or even read it) if you don't feel comfortable

I just wanted to say that I have had very similar feelings and when I read the last bit of your post where you spoke about finally changing those habits and not always trying to be accommodating to other people when it hurts you or when it's contrary to who you really are... whoo boy did I feel that 😭 I had never really thought about it that way before, so your post was so incredibly eye-opening and now I'm having a little bit of an existential crisis (but I good one, I promise!)

bc idk I just can't ever be mean or even like slightly contrary to anyone. it even got to the point where I was going thru some really serious mental health stuff and when I told people about it after the fact they were like "oh really? I never would have known bc you were always smiling and so happy all the time." and I think your post gave words to that feeling of incongruity in a way I couldn't.

when I was helping clean out my grandmother's house I found a letter she had written to her psychiatrist in maybe like the 60s where she basically said "I believe I'm a likable person and I can get anyone to like me if I try hard enough." and when I tell you I cried right then and there. just as you described, I felt like I've always been trying to make myself as "perfect" and "nice" as possible to that people like me and don't get mad at me. but it's both so comforting and so heartbreaking to know that my grandmother experienced something similar over half a decade ago. idk if that helps at all to make you feel less alone and/or isolated with your feelings about this, so sorry if that's too much!

I'm so sorry for just rambling, I really didn't want to make this too much about me but I just wanted to let you know that you are totally and completely not alone and I am so incredibly proud of you for healing and growing into the person that you've always felt you were.

my grandmother is about the sweetest person I've ever met, and I absolutely know that she would never want you or me to feel like we weren't enough, so I guess even though you don't know her, I absolutely know that she is so proud of you for fighting to be yourself in a way that she wasn't given the opportunity to

yeah again, sorry. I feel like I'm just rambling and I'm not sure if this is like helpful at all. so sorry to like have therapy in your ask box (I have a therapist, I promise) I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that your words resonated with me very deeply. I hope you're able to continue giving yourself grace and space and warmth and love as you continue to grow and discover your truest self. sending so much love ❤️

Hey, anon, don't ever apologize for sending this kind of stuff in. I realize that when I open up online about things like that that are especially vulnerable, I'm opening myself up to potentially getting responses in that same vein. And I promise you, when I do get those responses, it's usually very gratifying. I'm including the rest of my response underneath the cut lol to spare my mutuals. Love you guys!! ❤️

Of course it's sad knowing that my feelings are ones that a lot of other people share. But there's a lot of comfort in knowing that while the human experience is vast and undefinable, when we do understand one another, I think that's when the magic of humanity happens. So, truly, I appreciate you taking the time to reach out and I'm glad my words could speak to you in any.

That being said, boy, do I get that bit about people just simply not knowing or not being able to tell when there's something going on with you. So often I faced that kind of isolation from friends? Like there were moments where I had people doubt that I was actually struggling that much because I simply didn't talk about things? And like, yeah, communicating with your friends is important but so are trust and understanding and compassion?

And another thing, it's so strange because sometimes I kind of forget that even people less than a century ago probably also felt a little bit crazy sometimes? Especially AFAB folks; not only because of misogyny but also the stigma around mental health. I think in that way we're kind of lucky. Like of course, just because we're in the here and now, it doesn't mean that the here and now is perfect. But sometimes I think back to the experiences that our mothers, grandmothers, and all of the grandmothers before them had? And how those experiences have only become more complicated as time and the world have both progressed?

I'm so sorry that you've held this burden for so long. And I want you to know that not being able to meet that impossible standard isn't a sign of any sort of failing on your part. You are allowed to feel how you feel. You are allowed to be human. You are allowed to be a fully fleshed human being with your own personality. You are allowed to like yourself as you are. And you are allowed to want to grow for yourself. You deserve to like yourself–to love yourself, anon. Thank you for sharing all of this. I hope you're taking care of yourself too. I love you and wish you all the best. 💞✨

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't know... I really don't think I can explain to people how much of the time me trying to open up or put myself out there just ends badly

Like I tried doing some group content in this game, I explained I'd never done this before so I needed instructions. It was going alright a couple nights, but then something went wrong, I got grilled. I just kind of apologized and said I had to go (think a few people noticed and were trying to get me to stick around, but my anxiety was so bad I couldn't handle it in the moment, so I feel guilty about leaving too)

Haven't really played that game since, like even solo, just kind of lost the motivation even though I've loved that game for over a decade

Made a dumb little poll, no one has thoughts on anything I say ever anyway, so figured that's safe. I just... I saw something saying "Americans say this work like this", and I'm thinking I've never heard anyone say it like that in my life, am I just out of the loop?

Get someone I've never interacted with before complaining that it's neither cause there's no "t" sound and it's like... I'm sorry, I couldn't figure out a better way to write out a kind of... well... gonna write it "tch" again. I'm sorry I'm just kind of stupid I guess

Or, the friend I'm closest with... we'll be totally agreeing on something, and then I'll say something that I thought like... literally is agreeing with her, and she'll take time to explain to me why I'm totally wrong while often... I didn't even mean what she seems to think I mean... I don't know

Just... so much of the time it feels like things are going alright until it's just a kick in the teeth out of nowhere

I always... I always end up annoying in the end. I'm always wrong eventually, I always screw things up at some point

I wish I'd just totally isolate. I haven't had anything but online company in over a decade anyway. It's not like the agonizing loneliness isn't already there, it would be so much better if I just totally cut myself off, better for everyone else too... just wish I actually would

Sorry about the really downer message. I know so many people think I'm stupid for thinking this way too. Not you or anything, but you see people say it... it's just... I'm so tired. I'm so tired of never getting it rihgt... I'm so tired of seemingly never managing to make anyone happy or proud or ever doing a good job... I mean... everyone always tells me how I'm getting things wrong, so... it's not like they don't give input... which kind of implies an absence of a positive input doesn't mean they just don't share they're thoughts, it means they just don't see me doing anything right

Honestly, Anon, this was my experience of the world for a very long time, and I found a lot of help from the same coping strategies and supports used by the autistic community. This, for me, later turned into a diagnosis. It doesn't for everybody, and maybe it won't for you, or maybe it will, but either way, the coping strategies, social skill-building tools, and other supports aren't technically autism-specific, they're specific to the experiences being had, some of which can be had by many people for many reasons. Social anxiety is common and can result in the same experiences you're describing, as well as having having many overlapping experiences with the autistic experience. I wonder if you might find similar benefits as I did from the tools many socially anxious and autistic people use to support their needs in the world?

Personally, I'm a big fan of Radically Open DBT which has been extremely effective for me in helping me reduce black and white thinking, strengthen my existing relationships, and even start new ones.

[wordgodmother]

Papa,

I want to start this letter with love, and talk about how different we are. You are the calm after destruction, and I'm the calm before it.

Two decades ago, you showed me, that there are people who see the world in a light rosier than others. Somehow you heard every scream muted in my pillow, and counted every tear down my eye, keeping them with you, like borrowing the parasite.

Every time I think of you, I remember coming back from school and you waited for me on the gate with open arms. At that moment love and home didn't feel that far away.

Some three and a half centuries ago, John Donne wrote, “No man is an island”, an island which is totally isolated, untouched by the world.

So when I look into the mirror, I look at what of you has made me — and I see the same deep brown eyes, wondering if I look at the world with the same tenderness as you, along with the debris of an ability to listen like my skies are always empty and I'm finding colours to paint it.

I feel I grew up too fast, between listening to you telling me that you scared away all the monsters under my bed and watching you at the pharmacy holding up Stayfree pads, shouting “wings or no wings?”

Nani says, we are born in the same bloodline of self destruction.

But most of the days, I saw you struggle to break yourself down, only to forgive what's written in my fate.

Papu, I don't know if you will win awards for your efforts, but the least I can do is let you know — fate determines our bloodline. It's beyond our control.

So, when I have to, and, if I get the chance, I'll be standing in the heaven with open arms. But if I sleep, I'll always keep the lights on. I'll wrestle my fate, for you to find your way back home. And I hope, that is prize enough in this lifetime.

- I love you, your daughter♥️

#fatherless#eldestdaughter#loss#love#fathrsanddaughters#fate

[steveskafte]

QUALITY OF HEART I can't abide cynicism. Some folks will try and tell you that it's being realistic, but I believe they're just finding what they're looking for. Following an observation of "things are bad" with a statement like "they'll only get worse" is poison to me – and I want to tell you why. Unlike the average cynic, who was happy in their youth and grew miserable later, I was born an uneasy child. Very little that I do now is a reflection of my younger self. Sure, I wished to be creative and adventurous from an early age, but that mostly only happened in my head. I existed in emotional chaos, frightened of everything and everyone I encountered. Equally nervous in social situations or total isolation, I mostly settled for staying home with my movies and video games. I wouldn't walk alone in the woods until my late teens, and never spoke to a crowd of strangers until my mid-twenties. That's left my entire adult life as an upward-looking experience. They say that most adults gain an average of a pound a year through the decades. It's the slow addition of weight that gets us, not realizing that we're carrying more than we'd like. Making a change can take a total upheaval of body and mind – so it's easier to simply stay the course. Accumulated misery is similar. When I was young, I looked at the grown-ups in my life, and wondered why most were so obviously unhappy. Observing the regress of my own generation was enlightening in that regard. I watched my peers hide a lot beneath their masks of "maturity". Disappointment over failed dreams calcified into a disdain of younger dreamers. Boredom with relationships made them value commitment over love or passion. Lives lived like chasing an attendance award, where the quality of heart matters less than the continued beating of it. If there's one thing that this daily journal has taught me – it's how to get a grip. Not for some misguided notion of control, but on the inevitable slipping of things I value through my fingers. It can be exhausting to feel so much so deeply, on such a constant regimen. There are days I feel like I'm on the edge of breaking. But that's not a new condition, I've been this way since day one. It's how I make sure that positivity runs me around. If I'm permanently apathetic, disappointed, cynical, or miserable as an artist – everything in my life will suffer. That's true of every occupation, but most jobs don't mind your mood so long as you keep showing up. I place all parts of me on a level plane, as a writer, husband, lover, friend, and isolated individual. No matter how I feel in the moment, I'm always looking up just the same. June 4, 2024 East Margaretsville, Nova Scotia Year 17, Day 6050 of my daily journal.

[look-mom-percys-on-the-tv]

I'm loving the overall vibe here. I remember how left out Percy felt in the first chapter/plus, and I think the scene definitely uses that emotion to build tension with the repeated line, and that fits in real nicely with Grover's urgency because he is lowkey ignoring Percy for a minute and doesn't know how to act quite yet.

There's also a bit of context/canon divergence by just clarifying that yes, camp WAS the plan for TONIGHT- and oh yeah, Sally's been In On It with Chiron&Co for probably the last decade, and already knew about the Dodds bullshit already before she asked Percy about it.

BASICALLY that's the reason I love this clip, and below the cut are some nerdy tangents

This actually raises some more interests for me. One is Poseidon's involvement with Sally. We are hi red to see their relationship, and in the books there's a consensus that he's Cool TM, but better when he's Not There. I never really thought about it before, but when Poseidon was like "dam, gotta dip b4 the fam finds out about my prophecy boy", he was also like "Chiron probably wants this one." and arranged explained it all to Sally without revealing his identity to Chiron, who probably spent years wondering "WHICH OF THESE FUCKING GODS FINALLY EXPLAINED IT", in which case, how did Big P get Sally not to reveal his ID to Chiron?, OR mister quakes-at-earth was like "better make sure MY heir gets the prophecy, I know who can keep them alive!", in which case I'm really interested to see which it is. I know the books have Poseidon show affection for Percy and Sally, which may make the first seem more plausible, but in my experience w/ A(u)DHD, aka the Point TM of the books, alot of motivation behind love is misplaced, and rather relies on what someone DOES, their CAPABILITIES which is relevant to ALOT of people, but specifically causes an extra pressure with learning disabilities. "I love you", and "I knew you could do it" become synonymous, and kids who are held back by their brain, their environment, or both, FEEL IT. Anyways, in the case of Poseidon, this is why I think "better keep MY child alive" is very fitting with the "genuine but misguided (and we're all fucked)" approach Rick takes to the gods.

I have also started to totally rethink the scene when Sally gets off work in book one. I now see that by keeping secrets, she is inadvertently inviting her son not to feel he can tell her everything. She's a little bit mysterious, and seems all the more fragile for it, furthermore, Percy has been made to feel like the event is secret by Grover and Chiron both in their secrecy and gaslighting. all this amalgamates into a social isolation even from Percy's closest people, even though they were just trying to help him. I can't quite explain it, but this is familiar as FUCK to me personally. It's like he was being judged and didn't even know what for, or like es everyone was making decisions without him. Being kept out of the loop is a very similar emotion to feeling left behind by your peers, and Percy faces both at the same time.

‘Percy Jackson and the Olympians’ scene clip: Grover comes to warn Percy

[muskmelon-enjoyer-199x]

2024 feels empty to me

NAVELGAZING VENT:

I think aging is just harder as a transsexual.

●You spend so long not being yourself that the amount of young years you get to live that way feel like nothing. That's assuming you're fortunate enough to start while you're younger at all, and that you have the confidence and opportunity to actually be 100% yourself after you start. I've been doing this a decade now (more if you count teenage part-timing, less if you count years spent being too insecure to present totally how I wanted) and it feels like nothing.

●It's weird being in your twenties figuring out stuff regular women figured out way younger than you ever did. You probably missed key social milestones that you can't get back, so you replace those lost things with your own milestones. It's not "i did x," but "i mostly came to terms with not doing x and will try to move on." The feeling doesn't go away. Everybody else seems to move on, but you can't for some reason and it's so confusing. Self-isolating and living the shut-in life compounds all of this, and God knows we do that.

●Starting to live after others makes you a bit immature and inexperienced in a lot of ways, and other people definitely notice. At the same, you've also experienced things they never have and probably wouldn't even believe. It feels like being two different species that branched off a common ancestor. It's hard to articulate.

●Entering your late 20s feels especially surreal. You find that the people around you are having kids, and you can't. You tell them as much when they ask, so they ask why you dont "just" adopt (as if it's so easy). If they knew 100% why you're infertile they'd be even less sympathetic, so you lie if you can. The thing that hurts most is when they joke (and "joke") about their kids being unwanted accidents or act all "woe is me" about losing opportunities because they're busy with babies. Sometimes those opportunities are ones you never even had the option of having, which is pretty alienating to think about.

●Your cis women peers are worried about aging too, but it feels different. You sympathize, but you're also jealous because they probably got to be young longer than you. A lot of men are worse to them than before and some of them end up treated a lot like you. At the same time, it feels different. You read comments under videos and articles about beautiful young trans women and inevitably see variations on the same theme. "if trannies all looked like you, i wouldnt mind them." Beauty and youth are not just the right to be treated "well," but also the right to exist and be tolerated as a human. It makes aging feel scarier.

There's probably more. I'm done for now. I know a lot of this is socially constructed bullshit, but so are traffic lights.

[gor3sigil]

About the last part: note that not only did she say that the p3d0 issue was because of men, she also states that it's because being part of a minority doesn't affect men's masculinity and that it's because of that masculinity that men have the upperhand in every interaction ever.

Like being BIPOC and/or disabled and/or queer has NEVER affected men's masculinity EVER ?? How far away from reality can you BE to think that when it has been a subject for DECADES.

Like, I'm sorry for the rant but this had always 10 000 likes on TT and I'd love to tell you that it is just one woman, but I've heard this shit in queer spaces in France for YEARS to a point where I'm, like I said, almost not engaging anymore with them because I can't stand the level of "man = bad, woman = holy" that there is.

And it makes being a trans man so fucking hard. Like a few days ago a trans man influencer has been called out for being an abusive POS so my TT fyp is AGAIN flooding of "told you it's ALL MEN", "this is WHY trans men are TRASH TOO" and pseudo essayists, some trans men THEMSELVES doing long ass videos to say how men should die basically. While I totally get the anger against the guy, I fucking hate how it'll be used to again throw queer men under the bus.

So much fun. So much fucking fun. And this is something I've been seeing for like... 6 years now ? And it made me so so so scared of transitioning, it made me feel so isolated, and I still am very much isolated because of all this.

I'm not engaging in the french trans activism because the anti transmasculinity is so rampant it disgusts me.

And it's coming from transmascs and trans men too, like, dude ??? How about having some respect for yourself ???

I'm serious, I can't go in any space without hearing some form of "well actually, men should [redacted], and trans men are men, so :)"

Tw mention of ped0criminality

I saw a tiktok from a trans womab who said that yes, there is a p3d0 problem in lgbtqia spaces and it's because the queer community welcomed MEN. Seriously ??????

It's. Terrible.

[scientia-rex]

I think one of the things I really hate about the weird uptight purity culture on tumblr particularly with the "18+ DNI" stuff is that...... listen. my age doesn't make a creep. talking to kids despite being my age doesn't make me a creep. I DON'T talk to a lot of kids, true, but that's not because I'm somehow going out of my way to not be a creep. Creeps will go out of their way to talk to kids.

I'm not a creep because I'm just not one. And because I'm not, I don't act like one. Pretending like there aren't 17-year-old utter and total creeps who absolutely will exploit and victimize others, often those younger than them, is bullshit. And you can't just go "oh here's a safe age cutoff to interact with." You have to say, here is how a creep behaves. You have to teach kids to recognize creep behavior and nip it in the bud.

You can't say "no one over 18 interact" and expect that to keep you safe! There are 16-year-old rapists out there. I know, because my loved ones have been raped by them. There are 14-year-old stalkers. I had one when I was 14, too. Not to mention how many creeps will happily and enthusiastically create online personas of younger people specifically to interact with kids.

We have to teach kids about healthy and unhealthy relationships and behaviors, starting when they are born, we have to model healthy behaviors, we have to name feelings, we have to give kids the emotional literacy we were denied. We need kids to be able to go to an adult and say "That kid is being a creep" and not hear "It's because they like you." Kids need to be able to go to an adult and say, "That adult is being a creep," and not hear "No they aren't, that's [insert bullshit rationalization here]." Adults need to tell other adults to respect the bodily autonomy of children and teens.

Bodily autonomy, emotional manipulation, these are things you can teach kids about in age-appropriate ways starting quite literally from the time they're born.

You can't put up shields that won't even affect most non-creep adults (because we are not out here looking for teens to follow) and that won't slow down creeps of any age. You can't witch-hunt your way to a safer world. You have to be able to recognize the behaviors that threaten and damage you. You have to exist in a system that supports you in setting meaningful boundaries.

I'm not the threat. And I'm not saying that because I so desperately want to keep teenage friends. I have no idea which of you are teenagers; I can recognize about a dozen icons and most of my beloved mutuals are my age, give or take a decade or so. The threat is whoever shows up in your life and starts paying you way too much attention, trying to get you alone, touching you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable, isolating you from your friends or family, putting you down, making extravagant emotional statements or threats like saying they'll commit suicide if you stop talking to them--there are so many red flags out there that are real. Age alone isn't a good one.

(The creepy older guy talking to you at the club, though? Oh, he is 100% a creep. Do not be alone with that guy.)