#you dont understand i just wanted these father/son and brother relationships to have a freaking chance sdhfjkds

[tomatoscribbles]

me being myself, ive written an extensive au for this mess of a family in my head that changes everything, but i only have random snippets of it on paper 😅

rundown is that kazuya doesnt die/whatever at the end of tk2 thanks to jun and lee, and once jun disappears fighting ogre, kazuya and lee take over caring for jin instead of heihachi. things go wild from there, and kazuya has the character arc of a lifetime hehe. if im extremely lucky, maybe ill get an actual fic from it lol (cause im going insane)

[toothlesshat]

Sheesh imagine the turtles being little and not understanding who Tang Shen is yet and one day Splinter hears one of them call her their mom and freaks out on them, explicitly saying she is NOT their mother. She was his wife, was the mother of his daughter, but she is NOT their mother or ever would be.

I feel like it would be a possibility. Especially when he is still younger and learning how to be a father. I think in the show he keeps his human life separate from his current mutated life. Or at least he views them separately. Like a life he lost and mourns and a life he is currently living. So i could see him when he is raising the boys, making sure that they know the difference between the two.

But back to Tang Shen being alive! I dont know if youve read any of the IDW comics but the one where they are humans reincarnated, none of the turtles know until Splinter tells them and the only one who gets memories of their past life is Leo because the other three were very little and he remembers his mom(still Tang Shen in the comics) and grieves her on some level. Which is why I love the idea of him secretly being a mama's boy but refusing to admit it. Like Mikey being a mama's boy FITS so good(also someone who can teach him how to cook more than eggs or pizza?? The dream!). But i like the idea that while Leo looks up the Splinter and still strives to be a good son and more like his father. He secretly really loves Tang Shen because she doesnt expect him to carry so many burdens the way Splinter does with him being the oldest/leader. She wants him to have fun like his brothers and wants him to enjoy his youth. So yeah i think he'd secretly be a mama's boy but unwilling to say it.

Do you think they'd still live in the sewer? Would Tang Shen live with them or live on the surface since she is still human? Maybe her and Karai live in an apartment close to a manhole cover so they can go down and visit them often. Or the boys can come and visit them too.

Or maybe that's only a "in the beginning" situation when she is still getting used to Splinter's mutation and when their relationship is more stable she chooses to live in the sewer to be closer to him and the turtles?

I haven’t read the IDW comics (yet…) but I’ll keep that in mind for Leo! I just felt like it’d be nice for Raph to have a parent that he can turn to since Leo has always had Splinter, but I do love the idea that Leo is secretly a huge mama’s boy, like that’s adorable.

I think that for a short while, Tang Shen would live in an apartment close to the sewers when everything is new and her marriage is on pause. The conflict between Yoshi, Saki, and Shen put too much stress on her and at the moment, she’s focused on finding Miwa- who they know Saki/Shredder has, but don’t know how to rescue her yet. This would be before she cements herself as the turtles’ mother, but during this time she’d be willing to help them however she can and be their main resource for beds, clothes, food, etc.

A while later, maybe a year or just a few months, the turtles get really attached to her and start asking if they can call her mom. Tang Shen starts to realize that she’s fully committed to the boys like Splinter is, and moves into the sewers to be closer. She’s still on the hunt for Miwa and will stop at nothing, but much like her husband, she’s expanded her family in the meantime. Her and Splinter still won’t continue their relationship quite yet, but they’ll be very loving nonetheless. Things will stay this way as the story moves into canon :)

[wildernessuntothemselves]

"You are my Queen now" is so good and i really love it youre so talented and do you already have a plan after YAMQN or not . Maybe if you dont mind can you make another txt ?

below is the rough draft of a list of wips that you guys can vote on once yamqn ends and i will most likely write the winner fic

1) demon!gyu (yamqn modern sequel) where the gods punish him and you by making him a demon and having him try to chase you through your lifetimes

this could be only one lifetime, or multiple

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2) Perv!soobin full fic form (series)

"You're just jealous because you want her and she's straight. She'd want my dick."

You scoff. 

"This dick?" You grab it, making him moan."pathetic. That's all you men are good for. A dildo is better than you. I can fuck her way better than you can."

"Prove it."

________________________

3) Stepbro!tyun full fic form (series)

"Got your pretty hyung to fuck you? Was it worth it to ruin your relationship and let him see you like a slut?"

"Did it feel good to have him slip his dick into your tight ass?"

"Maybe I should get your hyung to fuck me too then."

__________________________

4) Puppets!taegyu where you’re morgue worker/undertaker and see the dead body of a pretty boy (gyu) and decide to revive him but unwittingly ripping him from heaven so you steal another boy (tyun) to give gyu a companion but he interferes with the revival and a demon ends up inhabiting tyun's body

______________________________

5) Soulmate!taegyu (yandere?)

Where the three of you are friends and you’re dating one of the boys and think he's you’re soulmate (but the other boy is secretly in love with you) and when it comes time for your soulmates name to be revealed, it's actually the other boy and not the one you’re dating but you decide to keep dating him anyway, much to the other boy's dismay and anger

________________________

6) Arranged marriage prince!gyu (sub!gyu)

You’re forced to marry prince gyu to secure a political alliance but you hate it (perhaps because you and his older brother were actually in love and thought you'd be married) Gyu on the other hand loves you and ecstatic for the marriage but he quickly realises how unhappy you are and keeps trying to get you to love him 

You only have sex with him on your fertile days otherwise you ignore him or give him a hanjob or footjob here and there 

He grew to memorize your days that when they come he's restless the whole day. You like to tease him by staying out late and watching him squirm and try to get your attention to get back home 

When you do he's so pliant

"Such a little slut. Can't think with anything but his dick. Want to fill me up?" 

_______________________

7) Ceo son!minho where you’re a high ranking employee in the company and minho is assigned to you so you can teach him how to run his father's business in the future but he's an absolute menace 

“Are you fucking hard right now?” You exclaim in disbelief, and he quickly covers his crotch with his hands and glances at the door in alarm, hissing, “Shut up.” 

“Now this is just rich.” You laugh mirthlessly, “The arrogant little brat got hard because I was mean to him?”

“No.” He answers in a small voice, but you know it’s true. 

“What a freak.” You disparage, walking towards the door of your office and locking it before walking back to him. You cross your arms over your torso, looking down your nose at his scared expression. “Well then, get to it.” 

He gulps. “What?” 

“Don’t look at me like that. It’s what you want, isn’t it?” You challenge, “To get off while I say nasty things to you?” 

_____________________________

8) Starcrossed (yandere!hybrid!minho)

“Is this a joke?” Your lips curl in anger, not understanding what he’s trying to do. 

“You said you’d give it to me for 50k.” He explains flatly, looking everywhere except at you. 

You’re in utter shock. You were just messing with him last night. You didn’t actually expect him to bring you the money. You didn’t expect that he’d want it. 

Your first instinct is to indignantly refuse, but just one more look at the money and the surrounding mobile home and you know you can’t. This is an insane amount of money he’s willing to just hand to you, money that your broke ass probably won’t be able to make in a whole year. 

Closing the zipper back up, you walk towards him. "You really are a sick pervert, aren't you? Buying my virginity?" 

He stays silent, looking at the ground so you grab his jaw and force him to look at you. You have to make sure that the rich freak won’t try anything weird. What if he’s expecting you to let him tortore and brand you or something? 

"You're not in control. I am. Got it?" You sneer, and he stares for a second, processing that you’re actually agreeing to go through with this, then he nods enthusiastically. 

_______________

9) Yandere!taegyu (inspired by the game My Psycho Boyfriends)

"Why did you do that?" 

"I had to teach you a lesson. You weren't behaving. It's all your fault. I told you not to talk to him. Why do you have to test me?" 

"What's your problem?"

"You're my problem. Don't talk to other men." He leans to brush his lips against your neck and goosebumps erupt all over your skin. 

"What do you want from me? Why are you doing this?"

"Because you’re mine. And I hate when someone so much as looks at what's mine."

"I'll tell someone."

"Who are you gonna tell? No one will believe you. I made sure of it." You didn't understand what he meant but you didn't doubt it. Taehyun is extremely popular, not to mention rich and belongs to an influential family. No one will believe he's obsessed with you, and he has more than enough power to shut you up anyway.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You're sick." You say, shaken. 

"I'll let it pass. You're not in your right mind. It's a lot of new information for your pretty head. But next time I won't be so nice."

"Are you sorry?"

"Y-yes."

"Then give me a kiss."

"What?" 

"You were a bad girl. Make it up to me." 

______________ 

10) Puppy hybrid!gyu and best friend kitty!oc who gets him off so he can spend time with her instead of leaving to hook up

"Just let me fuck you." He has you pinned down this time, rutting his hips against you.

"No." You bite back your moans, not wanting to encourage him. Truth is, you loved seeing him so needy and if you give him what he wants, you won't get to see him humping himself against you like an unfixed mutt.

"You don't have to do anything. Just lay there and I'll do all the work." He pushes between your legs, rubbing his bulge against your crotch.

"No." You deadpan and he lets out a high pitched whine.

"Then just let me slip it inside for a second. Just to get it wet. God, I bet you’re so warm and sticky inside." He keens, burying his face in your chest and mouthing at your tits through your tank top. It's another thing he's been doing lately. It's like he's become obsessed with your tits, licking and sucking them through your clothes as you never allowed him to remove any of your clothes before, loving the way the pup is so needy, he just drools through the fabric.

_____________________________

11) Bear!hybrid gyu where oc is going through heat and he tricks her into letting him fuck her

You'd been warned growing up to spend your heats alone until meeting your mate because someone could take advantage of you and mate you. 

But when your best friend gyu sneaks up to where you’re kept and offers to spend the time with you, you don’t refuse because it's your first heat and you're nervous. Thinking he'd never hurt you. 

But when the heat starts coming, gyu starts touching you

"Just let me make you feel better."

____________________________

12) Senior oc and yandere!tyun who takes care of her and degrades her because of it

"Isn't that the dress I bought for you?" His fingers trail over the neckline of the dress. "And you're wearing it for other men to enjoy? Do you take me for such a fool?" His fingers dip into your cleavage and you gasp, going to pull away but taehyun immediately grabs you and pulls you to him

"after all I've done for you, made you into someone after everyone treated you like a loser, you betray me like this?"

"No taehyun it was just a date"

"Just a date?" He laughs maniacally. "You're not allowed to go on dates with other men you stupid slut. You're mine and mine alone."

____________________________

13) Fox hybrid!jun and owner!bin

Usually you're on suppressants and all is good but you want your master to fuck you so you secretly stop taking them until your heat come

Soobin tries to help you through it but it doesn't work as he's a human and you need another fox. He has to get a fox. You're completely against the idea, content with your master barely getting you by but he's having none of it.

He gets yeonjun and you know him. You hate him because he's arrogant. Of course he's used as a stud, every female fox is in love with him and maybe other species too.

You refuse to let yeonjun touch you. Soobin gives you a day alone as a chance but every time yeonjun comes close to you you almost claw his eyes out.

When soobin comes back to see you resisting yeonjun. He grabs you and puts you over his lap, spanking you

"I can't believe you didn't fuck her yet. I paid so much for you."

"I don't want him." You whine.

"I don't want a word out of you." He spanks you harder. "You think I don't know you didn't take the suppressants on purpose?"

You gasp and he chooses this moment to push his fingers inside you.

"Really how hard is it to push her down and mount her?" Soobin is agitated

"I thought you didn't want your precious pet hurt."

"I don't but you're letting her act like a brat and question you."

_____________________________

14) Puppy gyu getting teased by kitten you (full fic form of the drabble) 

You sit there eating a melting popsicle suggestively, the ice cream dripping down your lips as gyu stares heatedly 

"You're gonna give the puppy a heart attack." Your owner laughs, little does he know you're messing together on the down low

When he leaves you suck gyu's dick through his shorts. He begs you to take it off or slip his dick from under his shorts but you refuse

You push him onto his back with his legs spread and his bulge exposed 

"What do you want, puppy?"

"Your mouth… what you were doing to that popsicle… i want that… on my cock." 

"Dirty."

"So you're wearing no underwear to make it easier to get your dick wet? Filthy."

______________

15) slytherin!taehyun continuation

16) Superhero tyun full fic form

17) continuation of werewolf!txt au (series?)

18) incubus gyu/bunny hybrid sex worker oc an offshoot the yamqn sequel courtesy of ♡anon

[heyitsyn]

MANAGER!SEIJOH AU

a/n: this is kind of an au like what if you were

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon:

- 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 i would like to request a seijoh!manager reader who’s a first year and is siblings with ushi and the team’s reaction to finding out that she was supposed to go to shiratorizawa with ushi and their reaction with her getting along with the shiratorizawa volleyball team and maybe the manager is a small cute soft little energetic ball of sunshine 🥺🥺 also hewwo, hope youre doing well! ☺️ -🎷🐛

- Ir seijoh manager series is so gooood. Can we get something where by some weird reason yn-chan is close to ushijima and tendou and the seijoh boys dont know about it and how they'd react to her being so affectionate w them ahahwindkdn

EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LOOK AT HOW FREAKING PRETTY TENDOU IS LIKE AKLFDJLASKFJDLSKFJDSFLKD

okayokayokay

so this is a what if thing

like what if ushijima was your older brother

SLKFDJADFLIJSDKLDF I CAN ALREADY IMAGINE OIKAWA SCREAMING

you didnt exactly have the best relationship with your mom

you remember when you were younger that she used to yell at your brother for using his left hand and you got angry a lot because you were fiercely protective of your brother

this caused her to yell at you too for being nosy and being involved in something you shouldnt be in

duh we know that ushi’s dad takashi actually supported him for this and protected him too and you were also a papa’s girl so you always ran to him

he understood you both better and while your mother worked, he was at home taking care of you two

then when they mentioned wanting to separate, you were very sad but somewhat relieved

mostly because you hated hearing your parents arguing and you felt bad for your brother as he constantly did whatever to get you out of the house

thats what brought on your love for volleyball

you werent exactly the best player but you were interested in it and often watched matches with him

but you also liked volleyball because your brother liked it

you liked whatever your brother liked

he adored you too and he was a boy who didnt talk much due to your mother but he was always a talker with you

especially when you couldnt sleep, he would sneak you out of your room and you both would run to the kitchen and eat ice cream

even with just a 2 year age difference, he looked as if he was older than you due to his massive height

‘just wait nii-chan! i will drink enough milk to reach your height!’

*insert lenny face*

AKLDJFSLDKFJDF I HATE MYSELF

CAN I PLEASE DIE

however

when they divorced, you thought your father would take both you and ushi

like the lady at the court even asked you where you wanted to go and not a breath of hesitation you chose your father

you weren’t very concerned because you knew your brother was going to choose your dad as you both were closer to him

so imagine your surprise when he said he didnt care and naturally, the mother would get the child

lowkey you felt hella betrayed and when your dad whisked you away overseas, there was this grudge you held against toshi

yall youre like 5

i would be hella mad too if my brother chose the person who yells at him all the time

in california, your father made sure you still remembered your brother and you tried to detach from the japanese lifestyle to your new one but you just couldnt

maybe around 6 years you were already fed up with the hot california heat and you wanted to go back to japan to see toshi again

you got over that grudge years ago but your mother refused to have any contact or anything to do with your father and so that included you too

she refused to let you both video chat and any type of connection

your dad obviously noticed your sad expressions and your obvious longing to go back to your brother again and so he arranged something

you shut the door gently before taking off your shoes by the doorway

the large house was often quiet except for the constant typing of a keyboard in your father’s study

‘tadaima’

you meekly mumbled but his sense of hearing never wavered so he heard your voice

‘oh? y/n?’

his voice echoed through the hallways and you heard his chair squeak as it was moved back so he could stand

your sock-cladded feet padded against the hard wood floor and you walked towards his study where indeed he was standing there

your father has definitely aged yet his job as a coach made him as fit as he was decades ago

as much as it disgusted you, you could tell what your friends meant when they said your dad was good-looking

they actually said your dad was hot but you refuse to acknowledge that

you and your friends are like 12 tf

you closed the door and sat down on the loveseat at the corner of the room as it was your designated spot

‘hey, papa’

you greeted with a smile and he gave you the same grin

‘i ordered f/f (favorite food) for dinner tonight so try and listen for the bell to ring, okay?’

you nodded

there was bit of small talk and you asked about his team while he asked about school and you both arranged to hang out over the weekend at some ice cream shop

the conversation dragged on until you heard the doorbell and you ran to the door to answer the delivery man

your dad put out the plates on the table and you excitedly dug in

‘also, you remember your grandmother? and her terrible back?’

oh god of course you did

they lived about 30 minutes away from your house in japan and she constantly worried your father bc the woman was approaching 90 and was still picking peppers!

with old coach ukai

‘what did she do now?’

your father chuckled at the exasperation in your voice

‘she misses you. says something about the family’s princess needing to go back to her country or something’

there was a smile in your face

your grandmother was your favorite and she always said you were the princess

she hated your mother because of how insensitive she was so she only acknowledged you as the only other female in the family

obviously your brother was also liked but there was just a special bond between you and your grandmother

‘so when are we going back?’

you asked and it was clear that you were excited at the thought of going back to japan as you havent been back since you moved due to your father’s busy job and your school

takashi swallowed his food before revealing the news

‘actually, if you want, you could finish your schooling there. but only until college first though because your old man needs you over here too’

nah bro you didnt even care about the last part

literally your fork fell to the table and you shrieked 

‘WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?!’

and thus brought you back to japan

you stayed with your grandmother on your dad’s side and you quickly got accustomed back to japan life

OH

your BROTHER!

okay

so waka-chan def heard you coming back

your mother was grumbling about it the other day and he was sure he heard your name in there

‘sdkfjkdslfjdkslfj y/n dkfjlsdkfjldkf’

LMAO THATS ME TRYING TO SAY THAT WAKA COULDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE SAID SINCE SHE WAS MUMBLING SHE WASNT KEYBOARD SMASHING LMAO

there was a mutual giddiness in there too and he was excited to see you again after many years without contact

however

there was a bit of fear in there that thought back to when you were younger and his choice of not really having a specific parent despite your pleads to stay together with him

but he was going to make sure your bond was still intact!

he would do anything in his power to do so!

when you arrived

your dad accompanied you back to japan and you both were walking out to the exit of the airport when you saw your grandmother excitedly waving a sign around

in bold sparkly letters, it said ‘USHIJIMA’

okay wait i love grandma usui 

you quickly ran over to her and she grasped you into her arms

‘nana’

you sobbed and she hugged you tightly

‘im so happy youre back home’

your father shook hands with the friend she brought to help drive you guys back home

old man ukai was basically the chauffeur but hes really good friends with your nana so it was okay

the entire ride you guys basically caught up with each other and you couldnt help but laugh whenever your dad would go on a rant about your grandma being too reckless and your nana defending herself

‘oh stop it, takashi. i was only given one life and if it’s over, it’s over. for now, ill live it how i see fit!’

your old family home was exactly as you remember it but you didnt expect the 6′2 boy in the living room

‘nii-chan’

you meekly whispered and he let out a soft smile before opening his big arms

you ran into them and he held you tightly

‘i missed you. so much’

he whispered and you nodded 

it was def such a nice thing to have your brother again

oooo your dad been knew that you would be sticking to waka like you did when you were itty bitty young

so when you practically begged waka to stay at your nana’s house the entire summer, he couldnt refuse you

duh your mom went to see you but you just quietly sat there and smiled at her

polite but distant

due to being around waka so much, you naturally went to his volleyball practices and their training camp

there

you met his friends and you guys quickly got acquainted especially with tendo bc he was just so fun

and he was your brother’s boyfriend best friend

the others were still kinda distant with you ahem ahem im looking at you shirabu

but they were mostly amazed at how powerful the genetics played in your appearances because wowza you were beautiful

lmao dont let waka hear them say that bc they would be benched all season in a single snap

during training camp, you usually sat at the sides or you would be their stand-in manager

goshiki absolutely LOVES you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOSHIKI MY SON MY BABY

him and you were the same age so there was an easier way of being friends and your energies just matched so well

he would run up to you whenever he got a play right and you would ruffle his hair affectionately

LADKSJFLDSKFS FLASHBACK TO TENDO!SISTER X GOSHIKI

‘y/n-chan!’

‘y/n-chan!’

‘y/n-chan!’

hell even ushi was getting annoyed at goshiki’s constant need for you

tendo would steal you away and he would be giggling to you about how adorable you were and you just giggled along bc wow this beautiful man is really talking to me right now

ALKSDJFLKSF CAN YOU TELL IM ALSO A TENDOODOO SIMP?

‘cmere, y/n-chan. i taught toshi this the other day and he was very impressed and wanted me to do it again. okay so it goes in a rhyme, ya ready?’

you nodded along and he shot you a close-eyed smile before starting to draw on the dirt with a stick

‘there once was a man with-’

lets just say

you were definitely your brother’s sister

sometimes though

you would try and go towards the calmer players to get away from the rowdiness from baby daddy tendo and baby goshiki

you would find them at the gym just doing drills and at the sight of you, they would turn red but continue playing

they didnt really mind seeing you there bc youve always been such a positive energy and cheered them on which gave them strength

‘NICE ONE OHIRA-SAN!’

‘WAHHH SO COOL YAMAYAMA-SAN!’

you were like a cute ball of serotonin >o<

‘wah, of course its expected for you guys to be the top in the prefecture. youre like,,,,, silent but deadly~!’

duh a compliment from a girl?

dead

shirabu’s bangs would get in the way of his vision sometimes yall i will never stop making fun of that ridiculously adorable haircut so you would use a clip and tuck it away for him

this big babie is so awkward that he turns red when you whisper in his ear that you were done

semisemi baby and you got along bc you guys had a similar taste in music and because you lived in california, he was fascinated that you were in the music capital of america

‘did you see celebrities down the street?’

he asked you excitedly one day during lunch

you stopped then smiled softly

‘semisemi-kun, i didnt live at that part of california’

nah to him, america is just filled with celebrities

OH DEAR BABY BOY KAWANISHI

taichi is a generally quiet guy

like you thought he was actually selectively mute when you first met him

but you gradually got him to talk and you would help him whenever he would want to practice

usually it was during the ungodly hours of the morning

you woke up and went to grab a drink from the common room but you noticed his large build exiting the door so you followed him into the gym

‘kawanishi-san?’

you called out and felt guilty when he jumped 

‘oh, hey’

he aknowledged

‘wha-’

you stopped to yawn causing your eyes to close making you miss the brief second of softness that flashed in his eyes

‘what are you doing?’

you tiredly asked

taichi dusted off his trackpants after kneeling down to rummage through his bag and you couldnt help but gawk at his height

‘im training early’

he answered

‘why? is it because you want to keep up with the others?’

you mumbled and he was surprised for a second but reverted back to his stoic expression

‘i have to make sure i am able to reach my seniors level for next year’

taichi turned away to grab a stray ball and you moved to go to the storage room for the ball cart

‘oi, what are you doing? go back to bed’

he said from the other side of the gym but you just looked back at him with a tired grin

‘meh, i want to spend time with you, senpai’

you reasoned

he shook his head before walking over to you then ruffled your hair

‘no wonder youre so tiny. you dont sleep enough and let your body grow’

yep that was the closest youve gotten to taichi joking with you

usually, hes training and when hes in the zone, nothing else has his attention but the ball

maybe thats why the others ahem goshiki has said that he was very scary

his game face was practically a mean face

basically you spent the entire training camp with them and then soon, you were going back to school

duh everyone hmm maybe not shirabu bc he most definitely read the school book of rules thought you would be going to shiratorizawa with them 

but you broke the news to them one afternoon and imagine the tears from both tendo and goshiki

‘WHHYYYY!!!!’

‘NOOO!!!!!’

‘why can’t you?’

semi asked and you were about to answer when shirabu beat you to it

‘the school doesnt allow late transfers’

oh right

the american school system was set in a different schedule than a japanese school system

it was considered the summer for them yet school already started a few months ago

since shiratorizawa was a very academically and physically prestigious school, they refused anyone who would potentially be late or behind their curriculum

‘so where ya headed to then, chibi?’

tendou pouted and you leaned against his arm

‘hmm some school named aoba johsai? i dont know its near my grannie’s so that’s all that mattered’

oh dear

USHIJIMA NO Y/N WILL NOT ASK TOORU TO GO TO SHIRATORIZAWA

they consider seijoh a rival bc theyve played against them practically in every prefecture tournament and they were worried for that infamous setter

‘ne, y/n-chan, promise us that you won’t be swept away by them! especially a guy named oikawa tooru!’

uhhh

well

tendou’s warning was kinda ignored bc you ended up being seijoh’s manager

hehe

surprise?

but they weren’t really really shocked tho bc they knew you liked volleyball so you would naturally be in the volleyball team

even as a manager

meanwhile in seijohhh

OooOOOoOoOooooo sEiJOOhHHHH~~~~~~

okay so you were actually registered under your father’s last name usui rather than the ushijima last name

therefore you werent exactly immediately known as HEY! USHIJIMA’S SISTER!

you still became the manager the way you did as mentioned in part 1 

and you still are their adorable baby manager

you were aware of their oikawa’s hatred for wakawaka so you try not to talk about him even though youre literally the closest person to him

was it traitorous? 

maybe

but you actually even help them when they practice

duh the boys are like eyebrow raise emoji 

‘wow youre really into volleyball, huh, manager-chan?’

matsukawa commented and you just smiled

‘hmm, my family likes it so ive picked up a thing or two’

LMAO

little do they know your brother is literally the best volleyball player around and is a member of the under 19 team and your father is a volleyball coach in america and would someday be someone iwaizumi hajime (19) would apprentice under

there was a lot of times you thought you would slip up like your home screen was of you and waka but youve been careful to cover it up

BUT

you cant always be sneaky

it was during the first day of the tournament and you were filling up their water bottles I SWEAR WHY IS MANAGER-CHAN ALWAYS FILLING UP WATER BOTTLES when you found a familiar bunch of boys at the end of the hallway just chatting

you havent seen tendou and the boys in so long so you placed the bottles down and rushed over there so quickly

‘TOMUTOMU!’

you shouted and the oddly-haired boy turned and he gasped before grabbing you into a large hug

this grabbed tendou’s attention and he cheered then hugged you too

your giggles and happy cheers were so infectous and they just absolutely missed you so much 

these tall boys were at a advantage so someone scooped you up and you were just affectionately being talked to and hugged and LKDSJFSLDFJ SO LUCKY SO LOVED

meanwhile

the plant babies were wondering where the heck you went to 

‘y/n-chan?! where is she?!’

oikawa panicked quickly while iwaizumi hit him to shut up

‘be quiet! you won’t find her if you’re too busy freaking out!’

‘ill find her’

matsukawa volunteered and they nodded, feeling at ease of him being capable to find you if you were in trouble

but when he returned empty-handed and with large eyes, they knew something was up

they ran behind mattsun to stop and copy his shocked expression at the sight in front of them

is that

you?

with

shi

ra

to

ri

za

wa

oh my god

‘y/n-chan!’

oikawa shouted, being the first to speak

you jumped and your own eyes widened

‘oh. oh no’

you mumbled

the others were so stunned and seijoh itself was so hard to make speechless but they were just shocked

period

‘what is happening’

iwaizumi mumbled

yea the others were just shocked period

‘hey guys’

you waved and you motioned them closer

‘uhh,,, well,,, um they are my friends’

you smiled uneasily and they could see that

‘aaand?’

oikawa signalled you to say everything bc he knew it wasnt the whole story

you sighed

‘ushi,,, jima is my brother’

you mumbled the last part

but they heard you

‘HAH?!’

you cringed and the shira boys were about to move to protect you but they saw you glare at them

‘what? what about it? hes my brother? and?’

you babbled

‘but,, why are you,, in seijoh? dont get me wrong! its just,, youd naturally go to shiratorizawa right?’

mattsun waved his hands around and asked the question thats bugging the team

‘i came to the country late’

‘THE COUNTRY?!’

well,,

turns out you havent exactly told them everything about you yet :/

even when youve cleared the air and introduced waka as your brother, seijoh still didnt say anything

they were stuck in this shocked and surprised moment even at the end of the day and when you went straight to the shiratorizawa team,

they watched with wide eyes as you laughed with goshiki and was jumping around with tendou

‘AH! TOMU! MY HAIR!’

‘TORI-SAN! SATORI-SAN! TAKE THAT!’

wow you were actually really beautiful when youre happy

‘i dont think ive seen her this happy with this much energy’

makki said and they nodded

it was true

you were usually calm and collected and was the perfect balance to this chaotic team

so seeing you so free and loose with them was so refreshing, even if it was with damn ushiwaka

you finally went back to the seijoh boys and they all sent glares to the violet team before sending you a smile

‘you ready to go, manager-chan?’

watari ruffled your hair before handing you your bag to start walking to the bus

‘yea. lets go home’

as you all walked, oikawa was already starting his tantrum

‘y/n-chan~! why aren’t you that happy around us? are we not enough for you?’

oikawa whined and pouted

but you just turned to smiled at him and stopped walking to pat his head

‘im not their manager, therefore im not pressured to act like anyone except as a friend and a spectator. but i try to be as professional as i can with you guys to make sure you dont appear bad to others. and you guys are perfectly chaotic enough, adding me into the mix will just about kill coach’

oikawa didnt seem satisfied though

‘but! thats not fair! they get to see you smile and i dont!’

iwaizumi growled at him to be quiet but you beat him to it

well

you smiled at tooru but your eyes shone maliciously

‘i knew you would act like this, oikawa-san. as punishment, i gave nii-chan your phone number. good luck avoiding him now’

oikawa screamed

a/n: AAWWWWW LETS NOT KILL COACH IRIHATA OKAY? HES LIKE OUR GRANPAPA AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE OIKAWA ALONE WAKAWAKA-KUN!

[goldenraeofsun]

‘cause right now you're mine

set in this verse

THURSDAY, APRIL 2nd

Dean 12:01 You didn’t tell me you led Carver Prep’s quiz bowl team???

Castiel 12:15 It’s in the middle of the school day and you’re texting. What kind of example are you setting for your students?

Castiel 12:16 I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t relevant.

Dean 12:17 Haha smartass I’m having lunch in my office Youre texting me back so i see right through you And of course it’s freaking relevant

Castiel 12:20 How?

Dean 12:21 Because I got tapped to coach Edlund High's quiz bowl team this morning!

Castiel 12:21 Oh no.

Dean 12:30 Oh no is right buddy

Castiel 12:37 I thought you coached the softball team.

Dean 12:37 I can do both You’re dating a very talented man

Castiel 12:49 I know that. I just didn’t know it extended to quiz bowls and softball in addition to blow jobs and breaking and entering places to give blow jobs.

Dean 12:52 What the fuck is wrong with you I’m in school! My lunch hour is almost over I’ll have to get up from my desk very soon This is all your fault

Castiel 12:59 :)

Dean 1:00 Just for that No blow jobs for you tonight

Castiel 1:07 :(

 MONDAY, APRIL 6th

Dean 11:55 I bet I can grade more midterms than you today

Castiel 11:58 I know better than to make bets with you, Dean Winchester.

Dean 12:03 It was just a kiss I bet you’re just pissed you lost

Castiel 12:04 I can’t engage in PDA in front of my niece and one of my students at a school event!

Dean 12:04 Youre such a prude

Castiel 12:06 Unlike some teachers, I maintain boundaries between my personal and professional life.

Dean 12:07 Prude.

Castiel 12:09 Did you text me on a Monday afternoon just to harass me about my reluctance to kiss my boyfriend in front of minors?

Dean 12:11 Huh Boyfriend

Castiel 12:20 Dean?

Dean 12:21 What?

Castiel 12:22 Is everything okay?

Dean 12:23 Other than *my boyfriend* refusing to even entertain the idea of a friendly wager?

Castiel 12:23 Yes, other than that.

Dean 12:23 No

Castiel 12:25 That’s good. You scared me for a second.

Dean 12:26 I did?

Castiel 12:26 Are you okay with being my boyfriend? The long gap between our messages made me realize we haven’t talked about it before.

Dean 12:27 I mean it’s a little weird My 16 year old students have boyfriends “boyfriend” seems a little I don’t know Juvenile We’re not 16 anymore, Cas Thank god.

Castiel 12:30 Would you prefer “partner”?

Castiel 12:31 It’s just whenever I hear someone call their significant other “partner” I can never tell if they are talking about their life partner, same-sex partner, police partner, or if they are cowboys. That was a joke! Ignore this. I remember how much you like Westerns. “Partners” is off the table.

Dean 12:31 HOWDY YALL THIS IS MY PARTNER CAS

Castiel 12:31 Please never introduce me to someone like this.

Dean 12:32 Only if you watch Tombstone with me tonight

Castiel 12:33 Can I still grade my midterms?

Dean 12:35 You’re killing me here Cas Yes

Castiel 12:40 I’m your huckleberry

 SUNDAY, APRIL 12th

Castiel 2:19 Good luck with the softball game today!

Dean 2:21 You’d better make it up for me for missing this one Its the semifinals

Castiel 2:22 I will. Say “hi” to Claire for me.

Dean 2:27 What the hell? Why is she here? We’re not even playing Carver

Castiel 2:29 She has a crush on Kaia Nieves

Dean 2:30 Ohhhhh That explains a lot

Castiel 2:30 She thinks she’s being subtle.

Dean 2:37 I see that runs in the family Subtle as a brick wall. All of you.

Castiel 2:38 Excuse me, you had no idea about my feelings for you back in high school.

Dean 2:49 So? Charlie said you were obvious as fuck But it didn’t matter since I was a dumbass

Castiel 2:50 I prefer oblivious Less dumb Less ass

Dean 2:57 How dare you My ass is a goddamn gift. You take that back right now

Castiel 2:59 Of course. Don’t you have a game to coach?

Dean 3:01 Shit you’re right

 TUESDAY, APRIL 14th

Castiel 11:18 I know how I can make up for missing that last softball game last weekend

Dean 12:01 Sorry The kids called me out for texting you 5 mins before the bell last time How the hell did i get stuck with a class full of narcs

Castiel 12:03 It’s probably karma For all the rule breaking you did in school

Dean 12:05 Hey I wasn’t that bad

Castiel 12:05 You frequently defaced school desks and returned library books after their due date.

Dean 12:06 I’m dating a narc too???

Castiel 12:07 You didn’t ask what I have planned.

Dean 12:07 OK i’ll bite What do you have planned babe? Please tell me it’s not another documentary on bees That was depressing The grand canyon one was cool though

Castiel 12:10 Speaking of narcs

Dean 12:10 This doesn’t sound good

Castiel 12:11 When I had to get my extra copy of Camus from my car, I stumbled on Miriam at the edge of the parking lot with a few more students. They were skipping class and smoking marijuana. Naturally, I reported them to the administration.

Dean 12:13 Not helping your not-a-narc case

Castiel 12:13 They received detention for skipping class.

Dean 12:13 And the drugs?

Castiel 12:13 I may have neglected to report the drug use.

Dean 12:14 Seriously?

Castiel 12:14 I still confiscated it. Research evidence shows marijuana has negative effects on the developing brain.

Dean 12:14 I guess that’s fair

Dean 12:15 Hang on Do you still have it? OUR brains are old as balls Seriously, are you telling me you have weed now?

Castiel 12:15 Surprise?  I can throw it out if you’d prefer to do something else tonight.

Dean 12:15 Dont you dare!!! I’m going to get a six pack on the way home, download the last Star Wars, and we’re gonna do this right Your place or mine?

Castiel 12:16 I have been neglecting laundry lately. Yours?

Dean 12:16 You’re on This is going to be so awesome

 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15th

Dean 12:06 Did you really mean to invite me to dinner with your brother?

Castiel 12:09 I didn’t mean to bring it up when we were high, but the invitation still stands. Claire told him we were together. He wants to meet you.

Dean 12:11 Oh

Castiel 12:11 You do not have to say yes.

Dean 12:13 I’ll go It just took me by surprise

Castiel 12:13 I don’t want to pressure you.

Dean 12:14 Youre not pressuring me

Castiel 12:14 Are you sure?

Dean 12:16 Look, I just know your relationship with your brother is complicated And I don’t want to stick my foot in it By accident or some other way

Castiel 12:20 We’re in a better place than I’d like to admit. I spent a long time resenting Jimmy for the time he had with Father. But it wasn’t his fault Father was a bastard who had a second family he preferred to be with. Jimmy was barely in middle school when Father started going on his “business trips”

Dean 12:21 Jesus christ You told me bit about it back in high school But I didn’t realize it was a second family situation

Castiel 12:21 Mother kept it from us for years. I still haven’t forgiven her for it.

Dean 12:21 Are you OK?

Castiel 12:22 I’m fine. It was a long time ago.

Dean 12:22 That stuff takes a long time to get over.

Castiel 12:22 I suppose.

Dean 12:23 Is it okay if you stay at mine tonight?

Castiel 12:24 Our next date isn’t until Friday

Dean 12:24 I don’t want to wait until Friday to see you

Castiel 12:27 Can you pick me up at Carver at 4pm?

Dean 12:27 You got it More time with you and my baby Win-win!

 FRIDAY, APRIL 24th

Dean 11:51 Are you sure what I usually wear to school is OK?

Castiel 11:53 You texted me nine minutes early?

Dean 11:53 Shut up I had to bribe my kids For NINE extra minutes Friggin tyrants

Castiel 11:54 What did they extort from you?

Dean 11:54 I promised to throw out their lowest pop quiz grade

Castiel 11:54 That isn’t too bad.

Dean 11:54 I was already planning on doing it

Castiel 11:55 Clever of you.

Dean 11:56 You’re not just dating a pretty face But getting back to dinner with your brother Is a regular button up OK? The tie hides most of the sloppy joe stain

Castiel 11:56 I’m sure you look very handsome

Dean 11:57 I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not

Castiel 11:57 I rarely manage sarcasm in-person. What makes you think I would attempt it over text?

Dean 11:58 Good point

Castiel 11:58 You’re a very good-looking man, Dean. I’ve known this since we were 15.

Dean 11:59 Stop it you’re making me blush

Castiel 12:01 It’s the truth.

Dean 12:04 Alright, alright I’m already sleeping with you No need to butter me up

Dean 12:05 It’s just I remember how you used to talk about him The perfect big brother

Castiel 12:07 More like the perfect student and perfect son. Jimmy was honestly too busy to be much of a brother. The 11 year age difference didn’t help. When I was in high school, he already had the perfect nuclear family on the way.

Dean 12:07 Exactly

Castiel 12:08 Exactly what?

Dean 12:08 You’re lucky I know you And I know you’re not drawing this out on purpose Look, i want to make a good impression, OK? he seems like a hard guy to please.

Castiel 12:09 I That’s very admirable of you, but it’s entirely unnecessary.

Dean 12:10 He’s your family

Castiel 12:11 And I understand family is very important to you, but it isn’t the same with me. It would be very nice if dinner goes well, but if it does not, I will not care in the slightest.

Dean 12:11 Really?

Castiel 12:11 Truly.

 SATURDAY, APRIL 25th

11:16 I’m sorry for my dad.

Dean 11:17 Who is this? 

11:20 Claire Novak

Dean 11:21 How did you get this number?

Claire 11:23 Alex Jones

Dean 11:24 How did Alex get my number???

Claire 11:24 It was on the softball permission forms How did you not know this Didn’t you draft them?

Dean 11:25 It’s been a while I’m a very busy man

Claire 11:25 Sure. Anyway, my dad was a dick.  Totally out of line last night

Dean 11:26 Shouldn’t you be texting Cas about this?

Claire 11:26 I don’t have his number

Dean 11:26 Cas wasn’t kidding when he said you guys weren’t close

Claire 11:27 Nope.

Dean 11:27 Well I am very close with my brother He’s a lawyer out in California

Claire 11:27 Good for you???

Dean 11:29 It doesn’t sit right with me that Cas doesn't have a real relationship with his family

Claire 11:31 That seems like Uncle Castiels business

Dean 11:33 But Jimmy isn’t Cas’s only family SO if you ever need a place to crash, i’m always available

Claire 11:35 Maybe my dad was right And you’re secretly a perv I’m not staying with you you freak

Dean 11:35 Jesus christ, I’m trying to say, if ALEX isn’t the only girl on Edlund's softball team you’re getting buddy-buddy with, it’s fine You should get a chance to explore that part of being a teenager While STAYING SAFE But don’t let your parents stand in the way of that side of your life

Claire 11:41 Dad wouldn’t kick me out

Dean 11:42 Maybe not. But if you are at all uncomfortable, just give cas a call I’ll forward you his contact info now

 “I might have told Claire she’s always welcome at my place if she comes out to her parents,” Dean says as he pockets his phone. He turns his back on the pile of sparkling clean dishes drying on the rack by Cas's sink. Dean adds, “Hopefully she’ll ask you before she goes to me.”

They hadn't really discussed the disaster of a dinner with Jimmy and Claire. A few tense words on the drive back to Cas's house, a tacit acknowledgement in the morning not to mention it until after coffee and breakfast. But then Cas brought out his homework for the weekend, even while last night's argument scratches at the back of his mind like a fly trapped in a windowless room. So Dean did the dishes and texted Claire.

Cas looks up from his juniors’ final exams. “You were talking to Claire?”

“She texted me first,” Dean says defensively.

Cas sighs and caps his pen. It’s blue, because red pen, according to Cas, is too traumatizing a grading implement. “I’m very sorry about last night.”

Dean waves his apology off. “You warned me it could go sideways.”

Cas’s brow furrows. “Still,” he says slowly, “I told my mother and Jimmy I was gay a few years ago. I think it was easy for them to ignore it as long as I didn’t have a boyfriend in the picture.”

Dean fiddles with a dishrag as he hovers by the sink. “Was Jimmy a jackass to your other boyfriends?”

“What others?” Cas asks wryly. “None of them were ever serious enough to pique Jimmy’s interest.”

“Really?”

Cas nods and gestures for Dean to take a seat at the kitchen table next to him. He holds out his hand, which Dean takes, bemused. “I don’t know why Jimmy thought religion was an appropriate introductory dinner topic. I could tell he was trying to genuinely understand our… lifestyle, to use his word, but-”

“I got angry,” Dean says looking down at their clasped hands.

“You didn’t say anything I wasn't thinking,” Cas says simply. “I’m glad you reached out to Claire.”

“It seems like she needed it.”

“She doesn’t have a lot of adults in her life she can rely on to be in her corner,” Cas says diplomatically. “I’ve tried, over the years, but I can’t relate to her at all.”

Dean laughs. “Of course not. Teenage rebellion wasn’t really your style.”

“Ah yes, of course,” Cas says, his voice dry as chalk, “you’d be the perfect person to talk to her. The cool kids speak their own language. How could I forget?”

Dean smirks. “It’s full of references you don’t get.”

“Don’t remind me,” Cas says darkly.

Dean leans in for a kiss. Eyes dancing, as he whispers, “Relax, babe. You were always the coolest kid in school to me."

[trunkzbriefs]

Any Son and/or Briefs family headcanons? Spicy hot takes? Truths Toriyama and Toyotaro themselves can not handle? Straight up lies?

GODDAMN SORRY this took a while cause i suck at putting thoughts together. i apologize for my obvious briefs bias i have more hcs for them than the son family despite loving them both :pensive: anyway heres some random stuff

briefs hcs:

all of the briefs are pros at non-verbal communication. i hc that saiyans have their own language (and also in my own Mind Canon they still have their fuckin tails) and a lot of it is done through tail movement/body posture/grunts/etc. etc so theyve all sort of picked that up. even bulma, who doesnt have a tail, is pretty good at getting across what she means without actually speaking. they still do speak normally but it comes in handy sometimes considering that both trunks and vegeta are prone to running out of speaking energy or getting very frustrated with words, so having another way to communicate works very well for them

vegeta is fffffffffffffffffffurry. without getting too deep into my own General Saiyan hcs (thats why i made a whole ass four subspecies!!) i think that the entirety of planet vegeta tended to be very hot aside from the part where the castle was, where the temperature would drop. meaning that saiyans working in the palace would grow thicker fur around certain parts of their body, and in the royal saiyans theyd be Especially fluffy. he kept it down on earth, but he has thick patches of fur around the bottom parts of his arms and legs. kind of like snowy boots and gloves! he also has fur that grows in on his neck like a lions mane.

future trunks is an actions sponge, vegeta is a words sponge. vegeta will pick up words VERY quickly regardless if he fully understands the meaning of it or not (completely inspired by 'THATS RIGHT BOYS... MONDO COOL' in z) and future trunks will unintentionally mimic the actions of people - around people he looks up to he might take a few small mannerisms from but this extends to copying the disposition of anyone; he's just very adaptive. this is the most obvious (and funniest) when he's around vegeta bc it really shows like. yeah damn that sure is vegeta's son

vegeta & bulla have an intimidating bastard smirk naturally. their natural smiles are pretty frightening and they have to put effort into a 'normal' one. this also extends to current trunks, his default smile is the Vegeta Bastard Smirk but he learned to have a normal smile quicker than his father and sister. future trunks has a slightly unnerving natural smile (the fact that his pupils are always drawn so fucking small makes me hc that he just has a very intimidating look of 'cat thats about to pounce on an unfortunate trapped mouse' whenever he smiles) but he learned to look normal even quicker than current trunks since he's around humans a Lot and is sort of their uh, Hope. don't want to look scary to the people who depend on you!

bulma has some fighting knowledge and mildly good ki control. vegeta taught her it as a just in case so that she'd be able to defend herself against Bigger threats if he wasn't there and also so she could raise her own ki to alert someone to her if she had to.

vegeta is extremely clean and can not stand to have things disorganized for more than like... an hour before he has to tidy everything up. every time he goes down to the lab and bulma is passed out in a pile of bolts and circuit boards it kills him inside just a little bit

future trunks has little concept of power control. since his timeline was always in danger it wasn't really an important thing for him to learn. the amount of mugs he's accidentally crushed is impressive

vegeta tends to not sound like he's asking questions when he is. he doesn't add the proper infliction to the end of his questions and just sounds flat most of the time. it's confusing to people who dont know him well.

im not even gonna lie, im a BIG fan of the chill demon panchy headcanon so i love the idea that the briefs have a Lil bit of demon in them but just dont know it ghjnkm

[banging my fists on the 'hcs that not even got could take away from me' table] future trunks has OCD

vegeta doesn't really get labels but he's bisexual & "debatably a man", bulma is bisexal & bigender transfem (sometimes shes Wamen and other times its like "gender? no"), bulla is a nonbinary lesbian, current trunks is a bisexual trans man & future bulma forgot to explain the concept of gender and sexuality to future trunks so he's a little confused on that front and his gender & sexuality are "i have literally never thought abt these concepts in my life but i think men are nice. i refuse to think about gender though" (i actually have two main hcs for future trunks which are either gay trans man or more-feminine-presenting nonbinary bisexual)

son hcs:

goku is Not as fluffy as vegeta at all, but he does have fur on certain parts of his body. namely on the back of his elbows + ankles, down his back connecting to his tail, and on his shoulders. its inherented from gine!

gohan is learning saiyan language from vegeta! vegeta acts grumpy about it but he's glad to have someone to teach. when gohan learned that most of the history had been lost he basically wished shenron for a big ol book on saiyan culture and gave it to vegeta just as an act of kindness and vegeta was like [in an angry voice but very touched] "Ok. Sit down. You're learning." by extension gohan is also teaching the rest of his family!

i will take ox king being actually non-human to my grave so like, chichi has horns and a very short ox tail! gohan and goten both have horns, but they're hidden by hair. goten's horns are bigger than gohans.

goten also has a more ox-like tail, with a little puff of fur at the end. generally, gohan looks more saiyan-like and goten looks more ox/human-like.

although he keeps up his cheery demeanor very well, goku is still haunted pretty badly by like... everything that’s happened in his life. he still has frequent nightmares about cell & buu specifically.

gohan will freak out at worse, zone out at best, if he's even tapped on the neck. it reminds him of the whole 'getting his neck snapped on namek' so that area is pretty off limits to everyone

goten gets along really well with android 17. they both have a love for nature and 17s kind of like his chill uncle, so whenever he gets too stressed out or just needs a break you can find him face down on the ground outside of 17's place on monster island.

goku is really really good at remembering completely random shit. bulma uses this to her advantage whenever she's working and has him memorize random technology stuff. a week later goku can not remember what he had for breakfast that morning but as soon as bulma asks "hey do you remember what i told you last week" hes like "oh yeah sure i have no idea what it means but [blurts out three hours worth of technical garble]"

oh boy is this a headcanon that has a lot more depth to it than just a bullet on a tumblr post, but gohan has DID!

goku, like vegeta, doesnt get labels either, and does not even Try, ask him about any of it and hes like "i dont get the gender thing but i think lots of people look nice :)" gohan is gay and like vegeta, "debatably a man", goten + chichi are both bi nonbinary, & pan is a lesbian trans woman.

both:

bulla and pan are both into music! i think theyd mess around making their own stuff w/ launchpads

i have a general hc of ki mixing or shielding, essentially, if youre close enough to someone people wont be able to tell apart your ki and you can also 'shield' someone with your ki for a small amount of time. if vegeta has his energy low, his and bulma's energy are the same. same thing with goku and chichi! goten and trunks are near impossible to tell apart, and same thing with gohan and videl.

though goten and trunks are both protective over their younger siblings, gotenks is that protectiveness times a thousand. look at bulla or pan wrong for 2 seconds and you're going to have an angry gotenks in your face asking if you have any last words. i like to think that trunks and goten fused casually a lot, especially around the time where bulla and pan were young, so its basically goten and trunks own attachment to them PLUS gotenks' attachment to them as his own person combined.

i like to pretend end of z did not happen the way it did so uub, using nimbus, travels back and forth a lot. goku isn’t the only one who teaches him how to fight as goten, gohan and trunks all think of him like a little brother and love training with him!

fuck you letters to toriyama/toyotaro hot takes:

cell, as cool of a villian as he is, definitely should have had a creepier final form. or multiple- just something that really drives in the fact that he's made up of other's dna & fuckin ABSORBS people. also his first two forms should have had a different absorbtion method other than the tail thing (not the drinking thing thats fine) it just feels.   Weird. not good

it would have been far more interesting to keep the bitter attitude towards vegeta that future trunks had imo... in super trunks was going through a Lot granted but the fact tht he wasnt more confrontational to vegeta being a dick to him seemed kind of off considering his attitude in z i just.. think it would be interesting and far better if they had more of a back and forth 'family but lowkey hate each other' relationship

i dont want to rant about super so heres some super condensed takes, goku black arc specific because thats 90% of what ive seen of super:

mai is a fucking freak ass weirdo, why did they not just make another character to pair with trunks

trunks not flipping the fuck out at his timeline being erased feels... out of character. also trunks deserved the win against zamasu

future bulma did NOT need to die

trunks should have just stayed in the current timeline

please fucking let trunks and goten grow up. we SAW a version of trunks who looked 14 (history of trunks....) and the versions of goten & trunks we have r/n in super do not look 13/14 respectively what in the goddamn hell is going on in the character design department

super definitely should have taken place later down the line

supers version of bulma and videl look awful. why are they That stick like.

vegeta needs to kill frieza. just once.

fu has enough potential to be a very interesting mainline character and i am so sad he's not

i would actively enjoy a sdbh anime with more  budget that isnt just a promo anime and has a plot that makes sense... i think db should have more wild spinoffs

xenoverse deserved a better story that went FULL in on the 'what if' type of timelines- like they did in raging blast which is a FUCKING GREAT GAME

straight up lies:

dragon ball z is a good series

[mamusings]

Supernatural Season 4 thoughts

Well it's a big season cos: angels. But what's really key about the angels here is that they are just another flavour of monster. A lot of criticism that spn favours a Christian outlook should really have a think about that. The supposition that angels must be good sets up a great mislead all the way into a least Death takes a Holiday where both reaper Tessa and Pamela tell Dean to use his instincts, rather than blindly hope angels must be good as there are no miracles. Arguably Dean struggles with his need for or angels to at least be better than demons right until the finale.

Looking at it that way, Castiel is a parallel character to Ruby. Our contrasting brothers, get contrasting sidekicks one demon and one angel. Ruby comes in looking powerful and impressive, providing info and guidance in episode 1, last season. Castiel fills the same space in episode 1 season 4. With both characters there is the ongoing question whether they can be trusted. Cas does plenty of questionable things in season 4 and Ruby is a demon. How exactly that plays out relates to the type of being they are. Ruby as a demon embodies pleasures of the flesh. Theres sex and (symbolic) drugs and shes deceitful in that she discloses things deliberately to manipulate. On the opposite side are the angels. They are of the rational. Cold, calculating. It's not random that the top angel we see is Zachariah in his business get up. They play on Dean's sense of honour and duty. They also mislead and manipulate although it's done by omission.

The big theme this season is what does it mean to be a monster - directly relating to the question whether Sam is one. Lots of episodes give us the monster's perspective showing us monsters as lonely, persecuted, and even innocent (Monster Movie, Jump the Shark, Metamorphosis). Sam is drinking demon blood, he's using his psychic powers: is he becoming something hunters would want to hunt?

But the season also gives us a fundamentally changed Dean. For all his flaws and doubts Dean has always been a 'good man'. However, he comes back from hell carved into something new. He is no longer fundamentally good, what he is we don't know. Dean enjoyed torturing. He liked it. That's key and too easily forgotten because we like Dean and we want to give him excuses. He doesnt excuse himself and he shouldn't. He still wants to do good and he tries, but he is no longer good in a core sense. He has lost something he will never get back is the point of his dialogue with Tessa.

Much of this season complicates our understanding of the boys mission and the moral meaning of that mission. They find themselves in situations where their actions are intended to make sure good people die. It's the Great Pumpkin shows us that moral choices look very different depending on the locus to take for moral action. If your locus is the family or the town then done things matter more than if it's the planet or the galaxy. How do you know what the right scale is? Within this the brothers are set up along another set of contrasts. Sam tries to work out his course of action by focusing in the ends, while Dean focuses on the means. It leads them to opposing positions on the demon blood thing.

In terms of Sam and Dean the surprising thing this season is that the relationship is essentially back to season 1. They basically need to get to know each other again. Both have changed and changed a lot. And because that's so difficult they are lying to the other about who they are now. The point of Sex and Violence is to make clear the distance between Sam and Dean. The episode also makes clear what they want from each other. Dean wants Sam to follow him again, Sam wants Dean to protect him again. Neither is possible.

The continuing theme is the absent father/absent god. This theme is often easiest seen through Dean. Dean sees himself as failing to live up to the standard he sees his father setting by breaking in hell. It's a familiar theme for Dean but On the Head of a Pin ties it explicitly to failing God. "I am not the man either of our fathers wanted me to be". The corrective comes from Dean's adoptive father Bobby in the finale admonishing Dean not to be like John, not to be stubborn and to call Sam because he is a better man than his father ever was. I see this as telling Dean not to confuse being stubborn with being righteous. Dean has just repeated JWs famous 'dont ever come back' line to Sam. This turns back round not through unconditional love in the sense of I love you no matter what. It matters hugely what, but the point is not to stop engaging with each other over it. Dean's apology voicemail makes clear they will continue to fight over this difference but they need to tackle it together and not by one chucking the other overboard.

For Sam the absent father reconfirms a tendency towards self isolation. This obsessive secretive part of Sam is the part of him Dean is usually capable of reacuing across into - because hes family probably in the most annoying sense. It's also a part of Sam that resembles his father. John also managed to isolate himself in service of his sense of mission. Not just from his sons but in falling outs with allies and friends. Over the season we see Sam resigning himself to seeing himself as a freak, as a monster undeserving of help, support or understanding. He stops the effort of communicating because he sees it as pointless. Instead he lies and conceals. It's only when he believes he no longer has any chance of receiving this from Dean that he makes the final push to kill Lilith. And when Dean shows up for him in spite of that, Sam is able to change course - although that's not entirely clear because its too late and hes already killed Lilith.

Anyway I see season 4 again as being about solidarity. Standing together. The brothers fail at that this season until its too late and Lucifer is freed. But I think the message of standing together is confirmed in Deans words to Castiel: "it's all a bunch of lies..its a way for your bosses to keep you and keep me in line. You know what's real: people". This reminds me fo strongly of Marx's religion is the opium of the masses that it feels convincing for a hit second that spn is both an atheist and a socialist show - just people don't seem to get it. How wierd is that? Particularly as the season seems to flag up disappointing creators - not least Chuck. Although my favourite is the teddy in Wishful Thinking railing 'is this all there is' against the little girl who wished him into being for the purpose of tea parties. More poignantly, the angels are revealed as baffled and exhausted by the silence at the top of their chain of command.

The existentialist bent of the show, for me, is highlighted across this piece of dialogue shared across three angel characters. In a fight over what action to take in the wake of God's continuing absence and non-communication:

Castiel: I still serve God

Uriel: you haven't even met the man. There is no will, no wrath, no God.

Anna: Maybe, or maybe not. But theres still me.

I see that me has having a twofold meaning. It means me as Anna who kills Uriel as she speaks. And it means me in the abstract. As the individual who needs to keep going, making choices, taking action even if there is no God.

Next stop: Team Free Will

[fuckkitalllll]

been a while.

its been a while since i have even thought about getting on tumblr. 

i actually came across a facebook post that talked about going through a lot this year and coming out staying strong. I really debated posting something on a post about that, but then i went to notes on this computer and then afeter that i decided i would get on here instead of posting on there. 

i truly would love for people to know how much i have came, but then again, i really dont fucking care. i dont know it is contradicting. Tonight i was really feeling like i needed a friend and then i went through all of the people on my snapchat and then through all of my texts and there was not one person that i wanted to call and that would be there for me. The one person that would always be there for me would be the person that is laying in my bed. 

I have never wanted something more than wanting to see Braylen again. I dont think that anyone understands how much i miss him. My little mamas boy. I think that if i even had a chance to see him for a few minutes i would be so much happier. My babies are my everything and he is the other part to me. When he would snuggle up net to me and hold onto me tight made everything feel okay.

Parker is my baby for always will be and i would never change that, but i know i am a really good mom and i know i have my baby and i would just live to have my other bsby here with us. Parker asks about her brother all the time and says that she misses him. I could never imagine doing that to anyone. Even if i was iN Camerons position i would never do that.

Even if he did the worst thing ever i would still give him the opportunity to see his kid and hang out with him. He could be a heroine addict or meth, but if he was willing to do what it took to see his kid which, meant that he hun out at my parents house where i lived and did nothing i totally would let him come over and see his kid, I wouldnt make him pay to be able to see his kid because he was making an effprt. 

Sitting here crying on the couch, thinking about how many nights of sleep i have lost thinking about how i can see my baby again really freaking hurts. When i have tried to see him or even just get a picture of him or anything. It took over three months just to get a picture. 

I literally have so much to be able to take to the courts and change visitation, and i could have done that a while ago, but atreau thought that i was changing custody, but all i want to make sure is that i have say over DNR and i would be able to have say in certain things. I want my fair share with my son. 

I dont even understand why i am not able to see him. I have asked to see him in A public place and Cameron wont let me see him, i have asked to see him at his parents place and still wont let me see him. I have taken drug tests to show i am not a bad person, still... it will never be good enough. 

I have drank, but i have never not once not wanted him to be in my kids lives because of the cheating and drugs that he has done in the lives of me and my kids. I have gotten myself better over time and have developed relationships with people being sober that will prove that i am a phenomenal mother. 

It really sucks that the fact that when my son is 16 and asks why i was not there for a certain amount of time i can literally say that I tried everything that i could to be there in his life, but his father would not let me be there. His mormon family that is supposed to be about forgiveness will not let the fact that i drank with their son and paid a bunch of money to take rights away from the mother fr whatever reason. I could never imagine being my Braylens or Parkers grandmother and saying lets do everything in my power to make sure that she never sees him. I cant even imagine how Braylen is going to feel at that time when i get to tell that. And it really sucks. I have stayed up more nights thinking about Braylen and especially Parker wanting to see her brother than anything. 

Atreau thinks that this is a waste of time, but i will fucking win this. There literally is no fucking reason that i should not win it. If i stand in front f a judge and i say exactly what i have sais right now, the fact that my other daughter misses her brother and the fact i have tried to see him in his own home and Cameron still wont even budge...says a lot. I have all the texts saved. I just want my fair share with my son. Ill never understand it .

I love you Braylen Allen Moore. 

Just know that. I promise I am not giving up ojn my kids. No matter how much time that you have taken from me, I promise that he will know about it and know that i will make up for it later. 

Parker Leigh Ann and Braylen Allen, I will never give up on you. I promise, 

[series-appeal]

confession - first (belated) thoughts

after i started watching the show "confession" i kept on stumbling on comments about more and more people dropping the drama, like after only watching a few episodes and honestly - i don't understand why. but of course - everyone hast their own thoughts on things they like and on things they don't like.

as for myself, healer was the first korean drama i had ever watched and i loooved it. so somehow i always liked the romance/action or romance type of dramas - where you can dwell upon those beautiful scenes of chemistry and such. on the other hand i didn't like all those thriller or investigative dramas, because they always had the typical story-line for me. but after i had seen signal I rejected my previous opinion - I rejected them even more after i started watching confession.

the series starts of with the scene where choi do hyun (lee jun ho) wants to visit his father in prison, but the interesting thing is that you only get to know their relationship after choi do hyun asks the prison guard if he actually said, that his son is visiting him. in short - thats what the drama is about - the reason why he does not want to see him and why he is there in the first place. i seriously like this little amazing things in the script writting - plus it adds such an undergoing mystery to the whole story. you see whats happening, but you dont quite understand why. the more you try to get behind he story, the more you want to know why everything is the way it is, especially how is everyone connected to each other.

in my opinion the series even has some kind of an scenery atmosphere from signal or maybe hello monster. one is always taking aback from the way the story unfolds. everytime you think thats how it is going to be - suddenly the storyline changes and with this, the drama keeps on dragging your attention. you keep on asking: really? why? is that true? - f.e. when choi gets his first state appointed case, thus he confidently delivers his statement in court, until the suspect suddenly states that he is innocent and the whole process needs to be stopped.

and of course - the thing which makes this drama really good are the actors and their way of depicting the characters. the main character choi do hyun - played by lee junho (btw goorgeous) - is so so interesting. i like his calm, relaxed, but also very responsible and straightforward way of portraying a lawyer. i mean a lot of people saw junho in chief kim and i mean wow, to go from that prosecutor to that lawyer (right now i am rewatching it)? plus the minimalistic acting? it amazes me every episode. i liked so far his passion of finding the thruth - even when it is the "ugly" thruth, f.e. when he says to the suspect: " you must at least tell me the truth. if you killed her, then you need to tell me. you reserved your statement in court without councelling me. how can i trust you?". so as a good/successful lawyer he is hated by the prosecution and he himself looks down on the police by doing a "bad" job in investigating. in fact i truly enjoy the turn of events, because he does more of what - in other opinions - a lawyer shouldn't do. this is why the development of the duo - him and the older police officer ki choon ho (yoo jae myung) - is so intense and on the other hand super interesting - it goes back and forth from disrespecting, to a kind of maybe good brother-friendship-relationship.

as this "short" review is quite late and of course i have already watched the newer episodes (but unfortunately not the 11th and 12th episodes) - i can say that it also reminds me more and more of the movie lucky number sleven (actually my most favorite one), because the things which seem unimportant at first, are getting more and more important throughout the story - so one gets more and more the "aha" and "wow"-effect. i think after watching the 8th episode i even went back to the first episodes, because at first f.e. i haven't even noticed te main lawyer at the law office, where choi do hyun had worked as a probationary lawyer.

in general i must say that the series is soooo good and sooooo freaking fast moving forward that i found myself saying "ok now the episode is over" or "wow, the process will be in two weeks. ok so we have to wait for 2 episodes until the story moves on" but no - the episode was not over and no, two weeks inside the story where like 5 sec. everytime i finished an episode i always had so much to say/discuss or to gif, but i just couldn't catch up - but on the other hand i love it, when you get this result out of a series.

one more point, which is really important for me - is the o.s.t. its really, really goooood. in some scenes its soo on point that you get the whole goose-bumb-feels (i really dont want to put up spoilers, but the scene at night, its raining and they are standing there with umbrellas - when you watch or have already watched it you'll know what i mean).

to summatize up i think over all this series is for people who are interested in an intriguing story with a lot of turn-over moments especially in the area of jurisprudence. as i have said above i myself find the characters and especially the writting for this drama superb. i hope more people will watch it and maybe like it as much as i do.

ps: i know the series is not over yet, so maybe i will slightly change my opinion - but leaving that aside, already the acting, directing and writting still deserves a looot of praise.

[chibivesicle]

HI. I`m in doubt about yuusaku`s murder. Did ogata really hate him or tsurumi manipulate ogata? also why tsurumi wants yuusaku be with him or he always wants ogata kill yuukasu?????

Hello, thanks for your question.

I currently have a cold, so I apologize if my reply isn’t as clear as I would like.

First off, I do not think Ogata hated Yuusaku enough to murder him.  if anything Ogata didn’t want anything to do with Yuusaku.

There are several different things that are all going on in chapters 164 & 165.

1.) We know that Ogata avoided Yuusaku on purpose.  He openly felt uncomfortable around him and did not want him to pay attention to him.

This was shown in the tankoban version of chapter 103.

It is clear that Ogata felt uncomfortable interacting with him for a number of reasons; he saw what a son who was loved by his father looked like; he drew [un]wanted attention to Ogata.  We still don’t know how Yuusaku found out Ogata was his older brother.  Yuusaku was likely thrilled to have a brother but never thought as to why he never knew about him until then.  Hanazawa is shown to be a man who is very concerned with his image, Ogata and his mother did not fit into his image.  We know that on some level Ogata yearned for acknowledgement from his father which he never received.  He may have even been more concerned about how his interaction with Yuusaku would only lead to more bullying in the 27th.

Somewhere along the way Tsurumi found out about this connection between the men.  Both Tsukishima and Maeyama see Yuusaku approaching Ogata while saying older brother in the revised chapter 103. 

It was clear than Tsurumi was already thinking about the plans for the gold during the end of the war when he and Tsukishima are recovering from their wounds.  We’ve seen Ogata, Tanigaki and Tsukishima all have flashbacks about how they will/are working for Tsurumi’s plans.  Chapter 164 heavily implies that Tsurumi has plans for Yuusaku if he can be corrupted and he uses Ogata to test him when they go to geisha/sex workers house.

Yuusaku plays right into Ogata’s hands since what he wants more than anything is for Ogata to reciprocate his interest in getting to know him as a brother.  He is more than willing to take any chance to “hang out with” Ogata.  He’s unaware that this is the test that was likely decided by Tsurumi to test his character.

Yuusaku is too starry eyed to even wonder why all of sudden Ogata takes him to see some ladies.  Come on Yuusaku, you are being blinded by your greed for a relationship with your brother who avoids you.  However, Yuusaku upholds his personal honor and does not cave into the temptation that Ogata puts in front of him as a brother …

Ogata makes sure his honor is upheld and has him taken out the back.  Only later when Tsurumi shows up, it is clear that he needs to determine if Yuusaku will be corrupted to work for their cause (aka work for him).

2.) Chapter 165 confirms that after Yuusaku proved incorruptible Tsurumi’s plan was for him to be shot by Ogata.  Ogata acknowledges the change in plan here.

So we as readers know that Yuusaku was on a list of members of the 27th to eliminate since he isn’t cut out for the future Ainu gold plan.  Ogata then takes Yuusaku out to see the Russian P.O.W. which had to have happened with the “blessings” of a commanding officer.  Yuusaku is freaking out that they will get caught and Ogata isn’t even concerned.

Ogata has observed (and perhaps others) that even though he’s a great flag bearer, he is not participating in the conflict directly.  This then leads to his conversation about how he needed to remain pure for the pain of all of the others participating in the war.  This then becomes a discussion of “father says”

This dialogue is telling as Hanazawa has essentially made his son sacrifice himself for his father’s honor and position.  He had the idea that he had to remain pure for the good of the other men and to do what his father told him.  Hanazawa has signed Yuusaku’s death certificate right there, so no matter what happens in the future it will be clear that he likely won’t live until the end of the war.

Ogata then responds by saying that men don’t feel guilt due to their actions on the battlefield which I think is a very misunderstood statement by Ogata.  As in many readers have misunderstood what he said.

Ogata has become so detached from his emotions since he was a child that he likely has told himself that he doesn’t feel any guilt.  If he doesn’t feel anything, he can’t hurt or be in pain because he’s buried it so far down.  By not acknowledging that he feels guilt he thinks he doesn’t feel anything.  He likely isn’t even aware anymore that he’s even doing this.

Yuusaku responds like the innocent, sheltered but kind individual he is.  He can’t believe that Ogata isn’t like that.  Ogata is likely confused and upset by these events.  He doesn’t want or desire Yuusaku’s attention or sympathy.  He likely is wondering where Yuusaku thinks he can say that he knows him.  The point is Yuusaku doesn’t know him; he didn’t know how he was abandoned, how his father in part lead to his mother losing it and Ogata isn’t in a place where he could even accept or desire sympathy from Yuusaku.  But Ogata spends most of his time keeping his emotions in check, so even though he likely feels these things during this moment, he isn’t going to say anything or do anything.  He doesn’t know how to respond so he just freezes.

3.) Yuusaku failed some sort of test and he raised the question that everyone should feel pain when killing others.

This is the complicated aspect of Ogata as a character;  chapters 164 & 165 made it very clear that Yuusaku had no future in the 27th under Tsurumi.  He didn’t have what it would take to do the dirty deeds that Tsurumi needed to do for the Ainu gold.  Therefore, I think Ogata shooting Yuusaku was in part a mercy kill.  He could have died in battle, or he could suffer a worse fate in the 27th if he lived to learn of the plans and then meet the fate that Captain Wada met being shot by Tsukishima.  The other aspect of this was likely him being egged on by his father’s words conveyed to him by Yuusaku. I could see Ogata also thinking - “Oh people don’t feel guilt when they shoot others?  Well, I’ll shoot you and prove to myself that I feel nothing.”.  This gets back at his father’s personal morals and ideology in regards to child rearing.  I always thought that when Ogata told Hanazawa that he shot Yuusaku it was in part to get a rile out of Hanazawa as well as to test if he would remember Ogata existed.  We know that he didn’t go find Ogata after Yuusaku’s death and we don’t know what Ogata was thinking after he shot him. 

What we did get from the fever dream is that deep down Ogata does feel something when he kills someone here.

The fever dream shows that he likely was subconsciously being held back by the guilt he felt over shooting Yuusaku among others.  It is just easier to notice since Yuusaku was much more “innocent” than others in the war. 

I think once Ogata finally recognizes the pain and guilt he that feels exists we will see Yuusaku’s eyes.  So to an extent, Ogata was manipulated by Tsurumi, but it was when he murdered Hanazawa that he realized he was being used by Tsurumi.  I don’t think Ogata ever hated Yuusaku, more that he didn’t want to get to know him as he would complicate his life further and he doesn’t have the best interpersonal skills to have even interacted with him honestly and openly.  This is the man who tortured all of his traveling companions from either saying nothing, making snarky remarks, or nagging about poor firearms practices.

I hope this clears up your confusion on the subject!  For your information @goldenkamuyhunting just answered a similar question with even more details and a slightly different angle.  Here is the link:

https://goldenkamuyhunting.tumblr.com/post/181587599193/i-dont-understand-why-tsurumi-want-yuusaku-by-his

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

My Trans Story

Story of my social and medical transition under the cut, I know its not trans day of visibility anymore but consider this a belated contribution. I hope it helps anyone who’s questioning, or even anyone whos curious about the experience. This is very long and has some mention of dysphoria, abuse, bullying but also has a happy ending so thats your warning:

The earliest I remember giving any indication of being trans was at five or six years old on my way to primary school with my mother (who I will mention was a fairly good mother at the time - this will be relevant later). I turned to her in my little green and white uniform dress and said “I’m a boy, aren’t I mum?” I’m not sure what prompted the question really curiosity maybe but my mother laughed it off - something I dont blame her for, kids say silly things all the time. I wouldn’t say I was a super boyish kid. Yeah I liked a bit of rough and tumble play, I was into pokemon cards, then yu-gi-oh, beyblades - which were all considered “boy” things when I was at school. I liked to play british bulldog and tag, and as I got older I’d get into Warhammer, Dungeons and Dragons, The elder scrolls and other nerdy things which are seen as more unisex now but again in the time were considered “boy” interests. But I liked having long blond hair, and I was curious about make-up. I liked to bake and sew and weave, and as a child I even enjoyed knitting. I cried easily and got hurt often - I was accused of attention seeking through most of my childhood though even looking at myself critically I can only ever remember wanting validation. When I was hurt, when I’d achieved something I was proud of - my motivations were called into question when I sought out help or interest. I remember being heartbroken when art I’d worked on was dismissed or I was told the bad bruise I’d gotten was nothing to be upset over and to stop seeking attention. It set me on a path of questioning everything I did and why I did it.

Unfortunately I have a lot of memory gaps in the lead up to high school and through much of school.

Fairly early on in school though I came out as bisexual. Honestly I think a part of me was threatened by cis guys masculinity and that drove me to women. I had a fairly even number of girlfriends and boyfriends. One relationship the boy I was with implied being ready to try sex and we ended up breaking up not long after when I distanced myself. I didn’t know how to explain the discomfort with my own body that I didnt even understand. How I didn’t want to be touched in certain places or do certain things. I felt like a freak.

It didn’t help that I was already bullied pretty much from the get go in highschool, from age 11 I did have many friends and there were periods where I had none. I was bullied for my hair, for not having friends, for being gay, for being depressed. Hell sometimes I was bullied for being bullied - high school is weird. 

I was also... “bullied” by a “friend” who would hit me, talk down to me, at times wouldn’t let me sit on furniture. Once she choked me to the point of passing out among other things. Somehow I was still convinced she must like me on some level - why else would she hang out with me? I wish I’d known better. She introduced me to the concept of being transgender but not in a way I identified with. She told me about a documentary of “Boy becoming girls and girls becoming boys.” she told me “The girls that become boys are always still pretty, you can tell they were girls. But the boys that become girls, you cant tell they were boys they just look like ugly girls.” I imagine shes less ignorant now but its stuck with me.

Eventually around age 16 Two trans people spoke at my school. They talked about how they always felt different, things they’d disliked about themselves - the relief of coming out. I understood completely but my brief excitement was dashed by their talking about harassment and fear. I wrote my email address on a slip of paper and ‘please help’ which I put in the box they were collecting at the back of the room for any questioning youth. They never emailed me. I made an appointment with my doctor.

I actually begged my doctor to fix me, and he referred me to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in Edinburgh. It took a full year to actually be seen there. I told some of my close friends about my concerns and confusion, and came out as genderfluid. I used a random R based male name to try and settle - knowing that as it was fandom related I’d change it later. When I spoke to the specialist at the GIC, I came out as a Trans Man, I felt validated. I came out to my family not long after and it was not well received. My cousin (who had spent every summer with us for as long as I could remember and I viewed like a sibling) died when I was 14. My godmother (his mother) died a year after. Within the ten years since my cousins death, he, my uncle on my mothers side, my great grandfather, my godmother, my gran and my grandad have all passed away. When I came out to my dad he begged me not to put more strain on our family. My mother turned to drink when I was only 14 and had worsened becoming more and more abusive as time went on. I’d had mental and physical health issues since the age of 8 and my experiences were being written off. My mother got worse, and I ended up being her full time carer for a few years. She was abusive, she hit me, she destroyed my things, she wrote on the walls and threatened me with knives. When a letter for my third GIC appointment came, (the appointment that would have gotten me hormones) I highly suspect it was my mother that destroyed it. I didn’t even know I’d been dropped from the list until six months later when I called to ask when my next appointment would be. I’d apparently missed it and for that reason they’d silently, without fuss, taken me off their active patients list. I was upset but handling my mother was enough strain for me not to fight my case for another few years. I went to attempt college for a second time in 2015 - nearly six years after I first came out, and four after my first GIC appointment. I called my best friend over to my house, and together we sighed 15 deedpolls changing my name and title legally. I contacted the clinic and got another appointment for that September. The doctor wanted longer - more appointments to get to know me, but after hearing I’d already had two with another doctor, had waited four years, had told the story I’ve told you now - she told me she wanted to get me on hormones for christmas. She rearranged her schedule and had me come in on december 9th, four days later I had my first doze of testosterone. I didn’t tell my father that I’d started hormones but I had told him prior that I was going to soon. My dad continued not to accept me, as did one of my tutors at college. I kept my head down and muscled through. I’d become so used to not passing that only 4 years later, when Im passing easily and consistently, its both a shock and yet somehow feels like its always been the case. I had top surgery on October 23rd 2017. To my surprise, my father came to the hospital. He’d said he wouldnt visit, but made the 4 hour drive anyway. Last summer, he started introducing my as his son to strangers. He started inviting me out for drinks with him and my brother. He treated me how I had always wanted. Sure he still drops the feminine endearments in - but I’m not going to fault him that. Everyone I meet assumes Im cis until I tell them otherwise. I was finally comfortable enough in 2017 to come out as gay, and I’m now engaged to my wonderful Fiance who is just beginning his own transition journey. My point? It gets better is a tired phrase that feels worn out by use. And no my life isn’t perfect but dysphoria and lack of love is definitely not the problem. Years ago I felt I’d never pass, I told people as much. I thought I was ugly, and unlovable. Now I like how I look, I Know i pass because people call me “sir” “Mr” ect. One of the tutors for the university I applied to was excited to “finally have a man in the class.” 

The journey is long, and at no point can you see the end of it. Eventually you just look back and see how far you’ve come. Stay strong. 

[sulietsexual]

Its been a while since I asked you meta related things so I just had a random idea - top 5 characters which you just dont understand, top 5 ch which are well writen but you cant connect or like, top 5 ch storylines you would like to alter, top 5 traits of your disliked chracters that you like, top 5 traits of your loved characters you dislike, top 5 ways your disliked characters contributed to the main storyline that youre fine with. For males and females separately so theres room for thought :)

Top 5 Characters I Don’t Understand

Male

Wesley Wyndam Pryce - okay, so this is only from mid-Season 3 onward, but I cannot fathom Wesley’s actions in stealing Connor, consulting with Holtz and doubting/not believing in Angel to the point where he didn’t realise that Angel would do everything in his power to protect Connor. Then his self-righteous attitude post-kidnap is appalling, the fact that he acts like the wronged party and refuses to acknowledge his own wrongdoings and never apologises for his actions all drive me crazy. Just can’t.

Luke Danes, I mean, buddy, pull it together. You say you want Lorelai, yet never make a move and then bitch about her boyfriends and act like a jerk. You say you’re “all in” and then you run at the first sign of trouble and make Lorelai feel like she did something wrong. You tell Lorelai you want her to be honest with you and then you hide your daughter from her for two freakin’ months. You say you want to spend your life with her, yet you shut her out of it. Like, wtf??

Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III, omg, why is he such an abusive asshole? Why does he treat every woman he’s with like crap? Why does he treat Mellie as if she’s insignificant and stupid? Why does he act entitled to everyone’s time and affections? Why does he continually try to give up the most powerful position in America? Why doesn’t he have any ambition? Why does he resent anyone who does??? I don’t understand.

John Winchester. Dude’s always going on about how he “did the best that he could”. Nope. The best he could would have been to raise his boys in a stable freakin’ environment, not push adult responsibility onto his eldest, not treat his youngest like an outcast/freak for wanting a better life and actually being an adult and being there for his boys. How does he justify the way he treated his sons? Don’t get it.

Finn Collins. Dude, you cheat on your girlfriend, neglect to tell the girl you’re cheating with that you even have a girlfriend, don’t tell your girlfriend you cheated on her and expect both girls to still want you? Plus the whole massacring eighteen unarmed people and then ignoring their bodies as the girl you want walks in horrified and look at her as if she’ll love you for your actions? Yikes.

Female

Lorelai Gilmore, she constantly puts her mother down for her privilege and sense of entitlement, yet displays the exact same behaviour. She rejected Chris, then bitches about how he “wasn’t ready”. She thinks all her behaviour is cute but it’s actually really annoying. And she honestly seems to believe that her parents were the absolute worst parents in the world, when it reality they were really good to her and always try to be a part of her life. Pull it together, woman!

Octavia Blake, why does she blame her brother for everything? Why is her solution always violence? Why does she proudly cannibalize people? Why does she think she knows more about a culture she’s been a part of for two seconds than the people actually raised in said culture? 

Nancy Wheeler. Why does she want Jonathan so badly? Why does she screw over Steve? What makes her neglect her brother and run off with the guy she just banged? Why doesn’t she think through the consequences of her actions? Why did she offer her brother zero comfort when his friend “died”? What made her think it was okay to chase down Jonathan while he was picking out a coffin for his brother’s funeral to talk about Barb? Girl drives me bonkers.

Joey Potter, so many of her actions make no sense. She pines after Dawson for years and then breaks up with him for literally no reason. She blames him for telling her the truth about her father, after repeatedly saying they need to be honest with one another. She can’t decide between two guys for years. She constantly rejects Pacey yet picks him in the end. She believes she’s entitled to be a bitch to people just because she’s had a tough life.

Aria Montgomery, if your creepy-ass relationship really so important to you that you would lie to your friends and family, threaten your parents, risk your partner going to jail, threaten to walk out on your family and basically cease to exist outside of your boyfriend? Yikes.

Going to put the rest under the cut, otherwise we’re going to end up with a post a mile long.

Top 5 Characters Who Are Well-writen But I Can’t Connect To or Like

Male

John Locke, a great-written character who drives me up the wall with his over-zealousness and delusions of grandeur.

Spike, he really does have a great character arc and characterisation but his over-exposure and the fandom’s adulation of him drive me crazy, plus I hate how his narrative overtakes Buffy’s.

Jack Shepherd, such a great arc, such an amazing journey but his douchey behaviour and the way he treats certain characters means I just can’t like him.

Perry Cox, I find him amusing and do occasionally like him but his lack of self-awareness and overall mean attitude and sexism bugs me.

Dean Winchester, so well-written with a great arc but also abusive, violent, self-righteous, sexist and overall annoying as hell.

Female

Regina Mills, her redemption arc is sloppy but her characterisation was always strong and she’s a fantastic villain, which is why I love to hate her.

Robin Scherbatsky, very well-written with a great arc (until the finale) but I just cannot like her, probably due to her arrogance and meanness.

Rachel Green, now, I don’t hate Rachel or anything but she’s one of my least-favourite Friends characters and I’ve never been able to connect with her.

Katniss Everdeen, a great-written character whose personality I find very hard to reconcile and who I just cannot connect with.

Kate Austin, great arc, great characterisation, full of traits I can’t stand and makes choices that make me want to throttle her.

Top 5 Characters Storylines I Would Like To Alter

Male

Neal Cassidy, he was done so dirty by that damn show!

August Booth, another one screwed over by OUAT and there was so much left to explore with his character!

Dean Forrester, I really hate how much Gilmore Girls dumbled down and assassinated his character.

Boyd Langton, Dollhouse’s weird out-of-nowhere reveal that he was the bad guy completely changed his character and he didn’t deserve that.

Jake Ballard, he deserves better than being second-choice for Olivia Pope.

Female

Laurel Lance, who deserved the fucking world and got nothing, I would change so much about her storyline and eventual fate.

Mellie Grant who, like Laurel, deserved so much and got shit.

Emma Swan, who was character assassinated in order to box her into a toxic ship which decimated everything about her.

Juliet Burke, who should have lived and had a happy life and finally made it off that damn Island!

Effy Stonem, who deserved better than to be sandwiched between two guys who treated her like a prize and blamed her for their rivalry, not to mention the shitty “friends” who used her as their scapegoat.

Top 5 Traits Of My Disliked Characters That I Like (I’m not going to pick my absolute most disliked characters for this, but just 5 characters I dislike in general. Also, probably can’t come up with five for each, so I’ll go with as many as I can list).

Male

Going with Wesley again - love his intelligence, his surprising confidence when he allows himself to show it, his thirst for knowledge and his goofiness.

Spike - I like his bravado, his confidence and his loyalty.

Dean Winchester - similarly to Spike, his bravado, his loyalty and his confidence, as well as his humour and love of fun.

Luke Danes - I like that he’s good at the big gestures, I like his snark and his homebody nature.

Jess Mariano - I like intelligence, his snark and the fact that he sorts himself out later on in life.

Female

Anya Jenkins - love her work ethic and the fact that she handles money well and knows how to budget, save and invest.

Betty Cooper - she’s got gumption, I’ll give her that and she is intelligent and hardworking.

Felicity Smoak - like Betty, she’s intelligent and has gumption.

Cassie from the Animorphs series - she’s compassionate and does try to understand people, which I like.She also has a lot of empathy.

Alison DiLaurentis - she is ruthless and strategic and highly intelligent, all of which I admire, even if her actions are truly sociopathic.

Top 5 Traits Of My Loved Characters I Dislike (again, this may not reach five but I’ll do my best)

Male

Angel - his tendency to make decisions for others, his jealousy, the way he can completely cut off those he cares about.

James Ford - the way he lets his self-hatred affect others, his self-centredness, the way he can be deliberately cruel at times.

August Booth - he lies way too much, his self-hatred, his selfishness.

Neal Cassidy ………….. nope, I love Neal too much, can’t think of any traits I dislike.

Charles Gunn - the way he diminishes himself for others.

Female

Prue Halliwell - that damn pride, her self-righteousness, her judgmental streak.

Juliet Burke ……………. nope, as with Neal, love her way too much to dislike anything about her.

Lana Lang - her Mary Sue traits (this lies more on the writing of her character than her), her tendency to project her own feelings onto others.

Lilah Morgan - well, she’s an evil bitch, but you’re supposed to hate her for that, so I more hate her actions than her herself, such as when she gives Cordy the visions which almost kill her or when she sends people to drill into Lorn’s head.

Jo March - her lack of propriety at times, her judgemental streak, her refusal to adhere to convention (at times)

Top 5 Ways My Disliked Characters Contributed To The Main Storyline That I’m Fine With (I am running out of steam and not sure if I can come up with 5 males and 5 females, so gonna combine them for this last one and again might not make it to Top 5)

Alison DiLaurentis - I like her as a villain, her murder kicks off the whole series which worked well, and I liked that she works as a foil for all the girls, in particular Hanna and Mona.

Spike - love him as a villain in Season 2, love that he works as a foil for Angel in AtS Season 5, liked him stirring things up in Lovers Walk in Season 3.

Regina Mills - love her as a villain, love her as the Curse Caster, liked her dynamic with Emma, liked her as a foil for Snow and Emma.

……. I actually might be out, as usually when I hate a character it’s because of the way in which they negatively impact the storyline.

Whew, I’m knackered. Hope you enjoy my answers, even if they’re not 100% what you asked for!

[sammlethal]

Anyone ever tell you that they do not love you? At that point when you have stars in your eyes and that person fills your heart to bursting? Have you ever given someone every single emotion there is to give? From rage to tears of joy? Emotions from both your personal stock and theirs?

Its like we live in a time period where actual love is dead. Everything is selfish. Everyone. Me included.

My father quit on me. Packed all mine and my siblings belongings into small plastic shopping bags and dropped us off 6 hours away in my mothers neighborhood, not sure which house was hers. I had to hold my brother and sister's hands while knocking door to door, looking for my mom. I was 12.

That was a couple years after the era of beatings, after the era of divorce. After that Friday afternoon day at school; my mother was the school bus driver before the divorce. Everyday we rode home with her. Until my father picked us all up. It was fun for us kids. We NEVER got picked up, and by our father! What a thing! He drove us to our pastors house. We did not see our mother again for almost 5 years. In the State of Virgina, in the late 90s, it wasnt considered kidnapping for a biological parent to take off with the kids if they stay within state lines. And my mother must have given up after that. I imagine the evil that was my real father, and how crushed and scared she must have been. Only now do I know what it is she felt.

That was after the molestation of me and my sister by our God father/Sunday school teacher/the churches singing coach.

Then there was my first love. I was 17. She was 16. By 19 we had a daughter, her name is Serenity. My ex was a freak. My demanded things from me that I could not give her, not physically. So in order to keep her and my kid, I let her have her satisfaction and pleasure.

I guess someone screwed her over because she fabricated these fake police reports about a guy who kept coming after her and she said she called the cops over and over and he wouldnt leave her alone (she was 6 months preggo when this happened) and she didnt feel safe and I beat him up. I beat him up bad. Almost killed him. Turns out she lied and he had been paying her for preggo nude flicks and videos amd she felt he still owed her money. So she used my insecurities and my nature and set me on a course that led me to 5 years in prison. Then she left me. Yeah I know. I'm a fucking idiot. My only defense was that i was young and dumb and in love. Or so I thought. No really...i thought it was the right thing. That I was protecting my small, new family. And damnit man, family means the world to me. Probably because mine has been so fucked up lol.

Anyways I get out in 2015 and I meet a girl. She rocks my world in all new was and we CLICK. Like...humor and taste and the world issues we care about and nerdy things and the SEX IS ON FIRE. And I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I broke her heart. I got drunk. I started the road to becoming my biological father.

Then she left me. Which was biggest, greatest thing she could have ever done for me. I went spiraling out of control and ended up living in the woods.

Until she calls me one day. I had a new girlfriend. We did not CLICK lol...and as soon as me and her spoke I turned to that girl and told her we were not gonna work out.

You see. Me and my lady had a son together. A beautiful, handsome as hell and adorable baby boy. And he really became my world. I walked 7 miles to meet him. My feet had popped blisters by the time I got downtown and saw them. The whole time I'm walking I'm hopping she didnt leave. That she would wait. And she did.

Then I messed up again. I scared her. That time between when we broke up and when she came back...i did not do good. I found cocaine and alcohol and it led to a very big fight between the two of us. That night we fought I have never been more like my father than right then and there. And I payed for it. The next morning I was arrested. No one thought of rehab. No one had the sight to see the root of the issues. Or no one cared. It was back to prison for me. A parole violation.

I got out. We tried again. I failed again. Only this time nothing horribly bad had happened. She just wanted an escape. I know this because she has since told me so. That she wasn't IN LOVE with me and needed an escape. We had been split up almost a week. I will never forget. It started on a Wednesday night, I left and went to my mothers. That following Sunday the police beat down the door and arrested me AGAIN. Only this time nothing bad had happened. Not really. She just didnt want to be with me. And so she sent me away. For two more years. 2!

I get out. I find peace finally. I start taking care of mental health.

She comes back! Again! And once again I leave my girlfriend at the time, who by the way, had a heart of gold and did not deserve to get caught up in mine and my lovers drama. I will forever feel guilty about that and I hope she forgives me over time. But at the end...no one can replace my son's Mother. She is my other half. My best friend.

We've been going since April? May? It had been a few years and I had just gotten out a few months before and the Covid just hit so I was trying to get the family court papers started. I got in touch with a private detective to find her so I could have her served. The the last thing I expected was to get a call from her.

And here we are. I am struggling to learn all the important, fundamental life lessons that my parents failed to teach me. I am struggling to learn those crucial relationship lessons we learn when in our twenties...that era of my life that was spent locked away.

All i want is my family. Is to be loved. And to ve able to return that love. My life could have went a few different ways. But here I am, doing the right things as much as I see them. I beat myself up when I fail. I work hard doing general construction. I'm good at it too. I start school in the spring. Nothing fancy just community college. I am an awesome dad. An awesome lover. And I have a huge heart.

ALMOST every single day I am with my little family. My son's Mother and my son. She doesnt want me to move in...which I understand. She claims to be an introvert. Which I also understand. (Along with beating, my childhood was also spent locked in my room, grounded, for days on days on days).

And dont get it wrong. Me and her have some issues. Mine (I think?) are just basic life things I'm trying to wrap my head around, like I said, the things my parents failed me on. But at least I know that. I admit it. And I'm trying. Because I'm a good man who has been through hell and because of that hell, I love with a feirceness, I don't give up. I am patient. And I generally have a positive outlook on life. I would I am doing good, all things considered. Her issues? Jesus fucking Christ. You would swear the world is ending right now.

She is constantly breaking up with me. For example, this weekend I gave it to her in a way neither of us have had...im talking sex here...we both have this...fetish, both of us (how rare?) And we both click when we do these things. Anyways I left her empty of all juices. Then I massaged her a little that night, telling her how good and amazing she is. Then another nice massage a day or so later. She thanked me after the last one (massage I mean)...saying how her back didnt hurt in the morning and how she got her yoga done.

And now we are broken up. Right now. Again. It was last week when it happened. She calls me on Wednesday or Thursday and says that I got in her head. Then this awesome weekend happens. Then an awesome start to the week. Then tuesday, doing construction, I think i pulled something in my leg or gave myself a small hernia, because after work I was in pain and sore. I asked told her I wanted to stay home. Rest up. That the next day we were supposed to start this big window replacement job. 20 something windows. But no. We argued over it. I dont know why. I think she just really missed me. Or so I thought. And said she needed help with our son. She always says that, then when i get there and dinner is over, the rest of her night is spent on her phone (which she is sneaky with), on the TV, or MAYBE catching up on homework. Says she is tired after a long day of working from home, on the phone and computer. Doing IT. But I do physical labor. And if I complain that I am sore or tired she just thinks i want to sit at home on my PlayStation or watching netflix, instead of taking the responsibility to be there for our son. Which remember, I am ALWAYS THERE. Unless she has decided that I am horrible, in which case she breaks up with me, and I spend the next couple of days hurt and crying and missing my family. I can not move in with her and my son. She does not want her family to know. (My mother told me she would disown me if me and her got back together. But it did not stop me. Because i am a man, and she is my woman. He is my son. And this is my life)....and is so stressed and anxious that will find me over there. I have actually, more than once, had to run and hide because her family popped up.

So yeah, I walk over there. This was Tuesday. The day when I think I pulled a muscle. I walked. She says that the only reason I walked was because she had to yell at me. But man...see these text. You would swear I am the world's largest dick head. In reality she said all these things in front of my son. That night I touched her. Massaged her just a little...soft touches. We made love. I woke up throughout the night with leg cramps. Woke up the next morning so tired from lack of sleep and hurting leg muscles. Called the doctor. Had to miss work. Turns out that yep, I gave myself a small hernia. Then WALKED on it lol.

So when we talked yesterday. I told her that the doc is pretty sure I have a hernia...my appointment was today and yes...yes I do have a little hernia. Doc wants me to rest but I'm pretty sure I have to work. Anyways so yesterday, before she picks our boy up from daycare (by the way, kuddos to you moms who work from home AND have kids to deal with at the same time. You girls are superheros!)...which I agree with daycare. He is an only child and he needs interaction with other kids. It's important for his development. Anywho, she ask me before picking him up if I want to come over. I tell her no, tell her what the doc said. By this point I have been there everyday since Friday. While on parole and breaking cerfew and worried about that. (Which I got questioned on. If I didnt worry about parole before, why now? And I dunno. Thats way of anxiety? But good thing I did because he came by this morning and I was here. Had I been there with her, I would have been here and would be on my way to a big ole parole violation. But no. In her eyes I dont do enough. I have to be there every day, no matter if I'm sick or sore or in pain. That is what she said. That a real parent never quits.

I'm just so confused. I didnt quit. He can come over here to my place whenever he wants. Ive told her this. I have told him that. Of all nights for the two of us to stay at our respective homes, last night was it. I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN AND CAN BARELY MOVE.

But she broke up with me again last night. Or better yet, said that we have been broken up. She said she doenst love me anymore.

How? Literally all we do is laugh. Have amazing sex. We are awesome parents. I literally dote on her. Massage her. Touch her softly. Like for real, I EMPTIED her of all juices, have seen her cry...actually cry, from pleasure. She makes 50x more money than I do, but I still give her money because I don't want to feel like a burden.

I dont get it. I really don't. I give the shirt off my back. Gave myself a hernia. All I want is belong to a family that doesn't quit when the anxiety comes. Who doesnt take a lifetime of anxiety and stress and then blame it on someone else simply because they are what is in front of you at the moment.

How can someone be so smart and not see that? Or not want to?

Its 2020. We live in a world that encourages us to lie to ourselves. To lie to ourselves about our nature. We all believe we are good. Harmless people. Who would never hurt anyone or cause ill will. What we fail to see is that yes, we do cause all of these things, and then some. We are not perfect. We are human. We will hurt other people. We will lie. The great tragedy of the world isnt this in and of itself...these different hurts and heart aches are as old as humanity is....war, peace. Love and hate. The great tragedy is that we have been led to believe that we are beyond that, that we good, perfect people. And so when we do hurt others, its not our faults but theirs because how can I, this wonderful human being in the modern age, ever hurt someone? I have a car, a job, I'm a good parent. I'm a good boss. Whatever it is. We justify who we are by our level of success. And this is wrong.

And when she ask me why I love her after everything. Those moments when we both see the truth and see who we are, those are the moments when she ask me how I'm the world I can actually love her knowing all this. Dealing with all this. How? And I dont have the answer. I just know that my heart beats for the two of them (her and my boy) and it always will and I really hope one day she comes around. I'm waiting for that.

Some men find that one lady, that one lover, and there is nothing else after her that we want. She has it all. And that is me. That is her.

I love you

[sarcasticlykaeon-blog]

Caught Between Worlds

Stuck. Thats how it felt, every hour of every day, for as long as I could remember. Like i was some sort of freak, on the outside looking in. I can remember when i was small, barely old enough to really walk and talk, two and a half, three...and i hated dresses. I hated pink. I hated lace and frills. If i could choose or make my will known it was pants. Tshirts and sweatshirts. Childrens overalls. I hated games in preschool. The girls always wanted to play house, with husbands and babies in some sort of elaborate roleplay. The boys wouldnt let me play with them. "No girls," theyd say. "You wont know how," or "girls arent any good at this. Go play with dolls." somehow...just because i didnt have the same lower regions i wasnt good enough. So i played alone, with blocks or toys, making up elaborate adventures or stories in the process. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother...they all wanted me to be a girl. They tried to take me underwing in baking, playing with makeup, dressup, dolls...they tried to teach me about playing with hair. Me? I just wanted to test out the new computer, watch ninja turtles, and kick butt like she-ra. My one concession to female marketed programs was Jem...but honestly? I loved the story and drama, not the glamour, glitter, fashion, or fame. I was the oldest...five years between me and my brother meant i was dads son substitute until i was almost 11. I learned things like changing the oil in a car, ms-dos programming and how to kick ass in Doom, how to tackle and fight back if grabbed by a bigger opponent. Of course...the instant my middle brother was old enough to do son things....fwip! I was ignored. About the only thing i could get the old man to do was D&D. My grandfather insisted it was a phase i would grow out of, that id become a seeker of a strong man and an actual woman eventually. My mother tried to force me to conform to gender standards. My aunt was disappointed. My father only started caring about gender normativity when i hit puberty. I never told them things like "i want to grow up to be a boy" because even at three, i knew it didnt work that way, on some instinctual level. But i dod wail and growl about the unfairness. Why is x okay for boys but not girls? Why are girls expected to be like this but boys arent? And the answer...oh the answer just upset me and angered me. "Because youre expected to be a young lady." By puberty, the words "young lady" were guarenteed to trigger a huge emotional fit of rage...but i couldnt explain why. Just like the fact that i had to fight for my place amidst whatever boys lived in the neighborhood. I had to work twice as hard to prove i was worthy of being allowed to hang out...and still they sought to ditch me at every opportunity. School was even worse. I was overly tall, strong, and hyper intelligent. I was part of the "Gifted Program" (which in most school systems is naught but busy work or a careful way to set up classes in high school to fix the averages of a class.) I was, in every concievable way the outcast. And then puberty found me. Early. The first time i bled in sixth grade, i cried myself to sleep, hiding blood ruined underwear in the back of my closet until i could throw it away. I didnt tell my mother until i was sixteen--hiding this horrid, agonizingly painful thing that happened to me once a month. When i grew breasts i hated them. I hated bras. And of course, i have breasts that grew huge. I survive with super tight sports bras and tshirts because nothing else fits my fucked up frame: ive got broad shoulders, long legs, and huge feet (size 12 womens, which is impossible to find), and im like 5'8". Id be taller but my arms and torso are short, and ive got wide hips and huge breasts and butt. I hated my body and i still do. I feel like i was a crapshoot built out of the mismatched leftovers of several people. And the shit my parents tried to enforce for gender conformity to this "new identity of a young lady." first was acne management. I wasnt a pizza face, but i did and still do have a bit of an issue with blackheads (Glasses have that effect.) But my parents tried to force me to pop my zits...and when i refused because it hurt, they basically held me down and popped them for me. Then was "shaving my legs". Okay. Underarms i get because pits stink. I shave those because it feels less stanky when i do. But their issue? My legs. I refused to do it. "Boys dont, why do i? Thats not fair!" i fought. Hard. But...like the zits...theyd hold me down and buzz my legs for me from knee to foot while i thrashed and begged...all to force on me a title i never wanted, a mold i didnt fit. And i didnt understand WHY. Why was my behavior, my life and interests and hobbies and clothing all supposed to be dictated by something so unimportant? And then...when i was sixteen, i met a person i hit it off with. A sweet and funny youth my age with hair as long as mine and a goofy smile on his face. In a few months we were dating long distance and i suspect my family sighed in relief that i wasnt a lesbian. Our fathers got to be friends(which was useful, since 200miles between us put a crimp in relations.) But this had another side effect. You see, that next year i learned something id never heard before. Something id never considered until that day in 2002. His father...felt he was a woman trapped in a mans body. I was floored. This could happen? What? So i researched what i could to understand (there wasnt much, back then.) And...i began to wonder....because all I could find was for males becoming females. Even joked with my boyfriend that the universe "got us backwards" (he agreed, seeing as how he was girlier than me) And then it all crashed to a halt one night at dinner. His father, him, me, another mtf person and two other adults were at a restaurant, and the kne guy at the table with no knowledge on trans folks was asking questions. I listened, enraptured as the emotions and disconnects id always felt were described from the other side. Emboldened, 17, and perhaps seeking some form of connection or...validation for my feelings, i piped up, expressing how i felt the universe had gotten me backwards. That was the worst thing to say, as his father unloaded on me verbally for being mocking and insensitive and jumping on a bandwagon i had no business on. Treated me like i was being scum--damn near drove me to tears and made me feel small and useless. And i thought "if this is what trans ppl are like...i dont want to be like them ever." it crushed my desire to understand my gender identity and sexuality for years. It didnt help that as time went by ot seemed every trans person i encountered was one of two things: a dramawhore with the emotional stability of a 14year old girl, or someone like my bf's father who decided that i couldnt belong to his elitest club in a fashion that echoed years of "no girls allowed" from boys everywhere. The internets vast collection of professionally offended "keyboard warriors" who spew bigotry and hate and small minded idiocy while calling it "truth" or "just what X group deserves" is a steaming cesspit of shit I dont want to be part of on any level, and unfortunately many of them claim to be whatever "alternate" gender identity or sexuality is the fad this month. Its not winning me over at all, and made me shy further away from actual people i might be able to relate to...maybe who can help me. I finally did own up to something when i was 23--I was more sexually attracted to women than men. In fact...beyond a few emotion driven crushes as a teen, the only male i have ever found attractive was that same goofy, funny, smiling boy with the long hair...except these days hes my supportive, goofy, smiling mate with the softest heart of gold ive ever known inside a powerful and intimidatingly sized viking-esque exterior. But again...because on the outside, our relationship seems very "normal" im not welcomed much by the vocal minority and so im super wary of all parts of the lgbt crowd. I dont advertise or tell my relatives--my parents and their respective siblings are between 50 and 70 years old. They barely believe this stuff exists. I still dont want to be a girl. I dont want the societal expectations of it. I hate having breasts that risk knocking my teeth loose if i move too fast. And dont get me started on the fucking shit show that is my sex life. Its a complicated shit show that starts with the disconnect of parts and ends with kinks i can never actually engage in because, guess what? Im a GIRL. But at the same time, i stare at the only transmen examples and stories i can find, which seem to be rare and hidden somewhere, at places like fb and tumblr and twitter...at pride rallies and news stories...at stuff recounted by friends...and i dont want to be associated with people whose actions turn them into examples of literal human garbage. And so here i sit, caught between two worlds, never part of either one and feeling like im slowly drowning. It seems like one doesnt want me and the other i dont want... Im so tired of being stuck.