#you don’t like pain??? well i do!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rainswept · 4 months

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Gojo or Dazai

dazai. in a heartbeat. not even a competition. i have never seen jjk. i know they have the same en va though

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spghtrbry · 2 months

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so i’ve been. THINKING lately.

you can find many similarities in both stories but there are also huge differences…

in cain and abel’s story cain murders his younger brother because of his jealousy and because god preferred abel over him, which is obviously similar to how chuck’s pride made him envious of jimmy because he’s more likeable and made their mom laugh etcetera etcetera..but i’d say abel was a pure guy, he didn’t do anything bad, he was like. basically the purest human being at that time (well it’s not really difficult to be the best person when there’s like 4 people in the whole world and two of them literally got kicked out of heaven but anyway). and cain murdered him. which is clearly not the case with jimmy and chuck because obviously in the legal point of view chuck is a better person than jimmy …

and we’ve got esau and jacob, which is i think a really underrated story. i mean i love cain and abel but i think people often forget about those two. esau, (technically) an older brother, always gets tricked by jacob. jacob buys his birthright and steals his father’s blessing that was meant for esau. and esau rages at him because. i mean. that’s not a nice thing to do. but in the end jacob becomes one of the Main Characters in the genesis… personally i think this story is more… idk, specific? there’s just something about the younger brother constantly tricking the older to get what he wants, even though the reasons not always are completely selfish. BUT! in the end esau and jacob made peace which is (spoiler alert😨) not the case with chuck and jimmy ………..and also jacob didn’t really have a redemption arc and esau just. idk. moved on with his life. got a family and all that. so he basically became a normie. but yeah ANYWAYS!

so yeah. i’d really love to hear ur thoughts and opinions on this one because i am a little bit insane about all this stuff as you probably noticed

(also if i messed something up or if im wrong anywhere please lmk lol it’s been a while since ive read the old testament…….)

#the best thing to do at 4 am .#better call saul #jimmy mcgill #saul goodman #chuck mcgill #personally i think that. idk #cain and abel’s story is CLASSIC #everyone knows what happened to them and why it happened to them. it’s very straightforward #but honestly i think cain is too evil for chuck #i mean yeah chuck surely is fucked up but he’s not THAT bad #and i think he definitely always had some fucked up sense of love for jimmy and man they just know each other too well #while cain and abel don’t really seem to care about each other and cain is just like. yeah this guy pisses me off im going to kill him 👋bye #and esau&jacob seem to know each other reallt well and they know what they’re capable of #ALSO jacob was his moms favorite!! just like jimmy!!!!#and yeah jacob is obviously much more sly and clever than abel #but. honestly. when i think about it like this #i just. you know.#i think jimmy wouldn’t be like this fucked up if their relationship with chuck was better #i mean. i don’t THINK i KNOW #this is a fact #chuck is one of the most important figures in jimmys life #he and kim is his whole world #which is EXACTLY the thing with cain and abel. there are LITERALLY no other people in the world except for them #they are the only people that exist for each other and THEY HATE EACH OTHER #and it’s PAINFUL #(yeah im ignoring adam and eve’s existence)#while esau and jacob are like. you know. this is an important part of the plot #but no one seems to really care about it #idk how to explain there’s just so much going on there that this thing doesn’t feel that BIG and INTERESTING and IMPORTANT #man idk this is hard

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pixelatedraindrops · 5 months

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Yuma Month Day 2: Tears

Based this scene from one of my fics.

If you know which one, you know.

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ghoulhusband · 5 months

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i’m obviously incredibly biased but i do think it’s kinda more interesting if the courier isn’t mad that benny shot them. for whatever reason! but especially if they come from similar backgrounds where it’s like “well it was respectful. he clearly didn’t want to kill me specifically it was business. and he basically threw me a funeral while i was still alive” and then their bigger issue is figuring out what to do now that they’re not dead. do they get revenge out of principle, do they try to solve the mystery of it all, do they hunt him down just to ask him to apologize, do they get roped into it by victor, or just general events? idk i obviously understand the revenge angle is very motivating, i just think a courier who doesn’t hate benny is really interesting and fun to play with. and not just because he’s my favorite guy and i could never hold it against him

#like i’ve really changed kitty’s whole thing to be more of a ‘i don’t hold a grudge because this is the fist person i’ve met in a decade who #operates within the societal framework i grew up in and getting shot twice execution style is the best way i was gonna go out. why did you #bring me back to life though because now i don’t remember who i am and i’m simply forced to become a detective and a small time con woman.#*six months later* oh hey it’s the guy who shot me! hey do you have my diary. btw. also do you wanna fuck because i feel a really weird #kinship with you and if we fuck i’ll either get over it or it’ll be your problem’#but i’ve made other couriers who don’t hold it against him for other reasons (not always romantic. sometimes just ‘yknow i should be mad but #i’m anti violence’ or ‘well i’m fine now so really why would i kill to when i can be a pain in your ass forever which is a way funnier #punishment for attempted murder’#benny gecko #kitty grave #that’s just for my tagging system lol #courier six #too i suppose

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dykedvonte · 5 months

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If Ulysses has a million haters, then I'm one of them. If Ulysses has one hater, then I'm THAT ONE. If Ulysses has no haters, that means I'm dead. If the world is with Ulysses than I’m against the world.

#this is slightly joking but like also not but also like am mixed on Ulysses on many factors #infuriating because i sympathize with his pain but it’s like #he is a well written and fundamentally flawed character whose hypocrisy I found doubly in #black characters I can tell were designed by white people with a semblance of an understanding of activism and bipoc oppression #but not enough for the character to not feel like hand holding for the majority white audience #plus personal grips with the whole twisted hairs thing and reference to slave braiding patterns #Ulysses irks me as a black person on a weird personal level and I can go into debt on why him being black is a big detractor for him to me #like he continues this cycle of distancing himself from his roots before remembering over and over again through his actions #he leave so much in his wake that the courier ends up correcting or helping like in honest hearts and old world blues because he’s self #righteous in a subtle way even to himself that he believes he stand out of his one man rule when he does not play an active hand #saw a post talk about how you choose to continue moving through his story and can leave at any moment and this it is partially your fault #but what of the oath that is set before you and is forced to take that he set up #I do not have to walk it but when I do the steps are not my own but those taken for me #you have to go out of your way to change it which is not something he expects because he’s playing by a story he’s been perpetuating in his #head about you two and the effect one man has when he’s continually been that one man more so than you as many of his actions directly lead #to the one you go through also the irony in the flag he continues to bear being the real reason he has no home #like he reps it when the package is likely enclave and thus use the same symbol #also still can’t get over how anyone could have delivered the package and he tries so hard to act like it was the couriers destiny or fate #when this was the one case of chance and that once man was likely a enclave engineer and how it’s really is never one man #it the process and he’s so annoying about it like he’s a cool character but if you don’t believe in his philosophy or already went through #these ideas cause they are very common talking points in poc especially BIPOC spaces he’s just old hashings and stunted #fallout #fallout new vegas #Ulysses you upset me but I’m like I feel you could be better if you weren’t so incessant #I don’t think I ever want to make a serious post stating this about him just because I’d start yapping and it’d never get finished #ulysses fnv #fnv ulysses #lonesome road

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butnotbubblegum · 2 months

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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.

#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea #like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit #and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble #and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal #and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die #and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide #like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif #like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat #is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself #is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills #feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing #actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub #i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local #and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id #if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like #such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just #is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state #by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about #living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the #urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends #and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so #fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i #hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever #bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc #everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m #father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop #i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak

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pinkfey · 4 months

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is this a safe space

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thewingedwolf · 6 months

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one thing about hbo is that when they get a journalist coming up to them and going “man do i have a fucked up story i want to follow” they really do let that person go wild. i’ve mentioned the way the ronan farrow one really moved me emotionally and that’s just because ronan knows how to investigate and tell a story to get you righteously angry for who it is he’s defending. he’s good at his job!

but this one, quiet on the set, has genuinely made my jaw drop a few times, even if i think some of the framing could have been better in the last episode. of course i know about all the rumors about dan schneider and the abuse on set, it’s hard to have been into the teen nick scene and not notice, and it’s pretty easy to figure out which kids were being harmed through too much attention and which were being harmed through not enough attention, and there’s been all sorts of rumors floating around for over a decade!

but the build up to the drake bell reveal was well handled, i thought. i was initially skeptical because i think it’s hard to make a documentary about child sexual abuse without leaning into being exploitative in some way. and at first, where you have the actors who left early, like katrina, or who you remember but weren’t mega famous like giovannie, and they’re all saying “this set was so weird & inappropriate, i knew something was wrong but i didn’t have the experience or vocabulary to say what” it feels a little too schlocky. like, oh we’re just kind of speculating on the inappropriate nature of dan’s “friendship” with amanda bynes for two episodes? yeah it is fucked up that two pedophiles were on that set, but did they hurt anyone on set?

and then drake bell walks into the room dressed like timmy turner and says it was me. he hurt me.

i can’t stop thinking about the choice of clothes here and the way it helps drive home the point of the doc. he’s sitting there in fairly odd parents colors as an adult and can’t describe the sexual trauma he experienced as a child still, has never spoken about it, had his mom lie to his father over it because he was so screwed up. really driving home the point that he was just a kid who had a knack for physical comedy and it got him preyed on by dan, a man who should have protected him, set up and handed over to a monster who traumatized him for months and years.

but when that reporter said she got a judge to let them unseal the court documents because drake bell told her how much support peck had? my jaw dropped, like yeah this is reporting, this is someone who saw this story and finally fucking cared not about the salacious details but about who knew what and why they did nothing to stop this from happening. it’s not about forcing drake bell or katrina jackson or alexa to live through the worst moments of their life - it’s about how so many people knew what was going on and didn’t do a god damn thing to stop it. it’s about how these monsters, these convicted pedophiles, were given access to little kids to hurt and traumatize and everyone knew and didn’t just look the other way, they actively helped cover it up. THATS the story. Not that it was an isolated tragedy but that it was a clinical, purposeful environment built by people who wanted to harm little kids.

#i think the court stuff should have been handled better there was too much speculation #but eps 1-3 were real solid investigatory work #quiet on set #okay i might be done freaking out about this.#but like. it’s drake bell. it’s amanda bynes. it’s jeannette mccurdy. i grew up with them.#it’s so horrific to learn this stuff. i get why my grandma always cried talking about drew barrymore.#rani makes text posts no one will read #also can’t help thinking about how all the child actors under kenny ortega were way more well adjusted. imo bc he took pains to help them.#like dove talking about how she got plastic surgery bc she was pressured into it.#and then got ti descendants and met cameron & he was like ‘leave your boyfriend he’s an abuser’#that’s just not something that would happen on other sets! shit it’s not something that would happen on other disney sets!#at the end of the day it is in fact so easy to just. care about the children who work for you!!#but the thing is. most of these people don’t! they don’t even care about the adults either!!#that story about the writers was so fucked up!!! she can’t even actually recount the story #she’s so embarassed and ashamed that she went along with it!!!#insists she’d do differently now. of course she would she isn’t a broke 22 year old!!!#god it all just sucks. hollywood is evil idk what else to say.

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athena-xox · 7 months

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Someone force me to finish writing my short story for my schools paper

#it will look good on my resume #or college application #but godddddd #is it painful #like I just want to write fanfiction #I don’t want to write a story filled with metaphors and morals #okay well I do but in the form of fanfiction #or the passion project series of eight novels I started when I was like ten #actually shut the fuck up athena #no one wants to hear your ramblings #what are you yapping about #in the third person #why are you actually bullying yourself #go to sleep

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deus-ex-mona · 6 months

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series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:

#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨#and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate #so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah.#thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou #i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh #compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol #i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help—#so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig #my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa #i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control…#b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you #tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao #so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol #but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato)#so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though #either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane #i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date…#at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration…#…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig.#oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far…#i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience.#help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m.#anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee

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prisonpodcast · 8 months

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I actually logged myself out of my own twitter acc and haven’t used it for days I never knew life could be so beautiful not knowing everything that’s going on over there 24/7

#‘um nat didn’t you already quit like 2 times before’#well you see. no.#I just keep opening the browser version instead of the app once I deleted it #but it’s too much of a pain in the ass to log back in #so this time my quitting twitter has actually been successful #I can still log onto my laptop and use it there but it’s wayyy too much of a hassle to do that lol #I don’t really use my laptop much except for school work and gaming it’s too much effort to use it soley for scrolling #so yeah no more twitter #yipeeee #.___.

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archduke-enver-gortash · 6 months

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#i’m just whining at this point ignore me #man. don’t you love needing surgery right at the start of your break so now you couldn’t do anything besides lying down terribly in pain an #exhausted???#and it’s healing and all but you still can’t walk without feeling like someone is hammering a nail into the wound #ahah ha. ha.#of course i still worry about it getting worse somehow.#and it’s affecting the blorbo time as well and i hate it so much #constant worry about larian making changes to the game that would force me to scrap everything and just.#idk that worry about a sense of belonging i guess. but it’s fine it’s whatever i won’t have as much time #for creative shit anymore because i should have started studying days ago 👍#which is so hard to do when you’re in pain and during the rare moments you’re not you’re exhausted from it but whatever it’ll be fine i’m #idk idk

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quietwingsinthesky · 8 months

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the amount of time i spend thinking about Even carrying the metacrisis doctor’s fob watch is really quite disproportionate to how much ive fleshed out that part of the story in my head

#i still find myself not caring if the metacrisis doctor couldnt use one. he can because i said so and because donna shouldn’t get amnesiaed #alone.#but anyway. even. its just something about like.#here is your best friend. the man who showed you how big the universe could be. its still him human or not. its still the doctor.#can’t call him that. have to watch your tongue always because no matter how familiar their faces are. these two people do not remember #everything you did together and never can. at least they still love each other. nothing could change that. that’s what matters. you steer #them into each other’s lives so carefully and watch to see if they’re going to get hurt. but they don’t. it’s okay.#and still. and still. you carry your best friend’s life. everything that he is. you can hold it in the palm of your hand. he gave it to you.#he entrusted it to you. well. that’s not entirely true. technically you volunteered. but how else could you say thank you.#you made your world so so small again. for him. larger than you would’ve been used to once but you know what galaxies feel like to fly #across. and now you’re stuck in time and space. this is for love too. this is for the life you hold in your hands.#or wear around your neck on a chain. and because you chose this. you can never see him again. or you see him every day and he doesn’t #recognize all of you.#that would make anyone desperate wouldn’t it? make you do something stupid. make you turn to someone you shouldn’t.#even makes bad choices when they are cornered. i think.#dw oc #the important bit is of course that the only way they can ever get rid of it is by their own choice. which they never would choose to do.#(because tentoo won’t take it back. he’s his own person. impressions of the doctor influencing him. but the part of him that is donna doing #so as well. a whole new person. who does not want her memories back and to be unmade.)#but the point is that the moment even takes it. they will never let it go. they will lose it. on painful occasion. but it always finds its #way back. depending on the context this presence and responsibility is either comforting in its constancy.#or. in a less kind world. a horrifying reminder of how far they have fallen from who they tried to be for him.

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seveneyesoup · 7 months

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besties you’re never gonna guess what part of my body is. incredibly fucking sore today

#it’s not like. actively super painful it’s just. unrelentingly sore #and i so deeply wish it wasn’t #so my options are suffer through it or be high for like a week or so straight #and i. don’t wanna do that #‘which one’ either #‘well then you shouldn’t have’ i know. i did it anyway #i’m just gonna complain #and go change my pants

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cetoddle · 1 month

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i love my new therapist so much cause she’s the first person i’ve ever met who takes me seriously when i talk about suicide even though i don’t have a concrete plan and haven’t actually made any attempts yet

#with everyone else it’s like. hey i feel violently suicidal i started s*lf h*rming again and i feel so miserable im in physical pain #‘oh cool. well have you attempted suicide in the past?’#no. ‘well do you even have a plan for what you’d do?’#also no.#’okay well i don’t really care. have some more prescription medication that you continually threaten to od on’#’btw have you tried just not being depressed? maybe give that a shot. okay that will be one billion dollars see you next month’#but emily (that’s my new therapists name) actually listens to me #and acknowledges how scary and concerning being in my mindset is #and she walks me through what my options are for when it gets really bad #and i like that when i go quiet cause i don’t know what to say she doesn’t get frustrated with me for wasting time and she doesn’t #put words in my mouth and decide what i’m feeling for me #she asks what im thinking and gives me the space to process what i am thinking and if i can’t talk about it she tries to walk me through #the thought process and doesn’t push me. if i don’t wanna talk i don’t have to #basically. i like her a lot so far. and i still feel bad a lot #but having someone finally actually listen and take me seriously makes me feel a little better #she doesn’t just repeat ‘oh it’ll get better you’ll be fine’#she’s willing to stay in the present with me and figure out how i’m going to get through the next week instead of making me figure out my #whole life right now #sigh #snow.txt

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kazieka · 7 months

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chronic pain thots in the tags

#so I went for a walk earlier this week!!! at the park!!!#and nothing hurt #and my last podiatrist visit went really well and the bone is healing well #and yet im like. a little hesitant to talk about it on here #bc i spent a lot of time in my 20s absolutely convinced that this was a chronic pain that was never going away #and was only ever going to get worse and worse #and now it’s just. gone #and while im ecstatic about that i feel kind of?? guilty??#cause like. there are SO many people who live with chronic pain worse than mine was #and they aren’t going to get the cutting edge surgery that I got #who have pain there is NO magic bullet for #but it’s in my nature to want to share good news after being in so much pain for so long #and I WANT to talk about how there are calluses on my feet I thought everyone had that are suddenly softening and going away #i WANT to ask what I should do with my collection of canes now that I don’t need them to go grocery shopping #but it’s just. like. maybe this is disrespectful to everyone who won’t ever get that relief #man idk. it’s a weird space to be in #to think you were gonna just be in pain and limited mobility forever and then have it fixed over the course of less than 1 calendar year #and now suddenly i don’t ‘qualify’ to be in chronic pain discord servers anymore #man I just. i dunno. post over

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