#you can't run from your ending and you can't live in denial of your grief!! but you don't have to face it alone!!

[mechieonu]

that part in bounding through time where the song slows and winds down music box style to the very first melody that played when timpani and blumiere first met, & tippi and bleck are @ the altar and when she asks, he says "I love you. Hundreds of thousands of years from now, that fact will not have changed." yeah

[mikareo]

eternal sunshine ── itoshi rin

w.c. 841 content: itoshi rin x fem reader, post-break up angst

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are you okay?

he keeps asking. that same question appears in your messages a few times a day, a few times too many. it's nice to know he cares, a little bit in the slightest at least, but it doesn't help with the raw aching in the center of your chest— where all of the affection you hold for rin is struggling to find a place in your body to settle. it's pulling at your skin and tugging your limbs, urging your fingers to type the infamous 'i miss you' that lives in the delusion your heart wants to come true.

but you do miss him.

you really miss him.

you want to move on, but you can't. you can't seem to push past the denial that you aren't together anymore. you broke up. he broke up with you. you aren't a couple. you aren't his girlfriend. you aren't the love of his life. rin will forget about you. he'll forget you. you don't matter.

you're nothing and he's everything.

he holds so much real estate in your chest that you find yourself starting the car, backing onto the street, and heading towards the home you once shared. will you regret this? probably. do you even care anymore? no.

so, when you raise your hand before the door, there's no hesitation, no anxiety seeping from your fingertips— just heavy grief that hasn't been processed yet. grief that you're begging to receive closure for; and you're one step closer to that gift when the handle turns, and you're face-to-face with the man who broke your heart.

his eyes look heavy. there isn't an ounce of surprise in them. it's almost as if he was expecting you...

...god, you're so predictable. you're so pathetic and desperate that he knew you'd cave and come. why can't you be strong like him? why can't you move on?

"i can't let you in." rin murmurs. his statement is firm and his body doesn't budge. "this isn't healthy, baby."

in spite of his words, he cups your face. the feeling of his palms is familiar. a touch that your dreams welcome when you can't find sleep, and yearn for the comfort you once shared. his blue gaze has love hidden behind those steely irises. you know it. there has to be some love left in there for you. you can't have just vanished from his heart. that's what you choose to believe— a perfect example of how you convince yourself to stay stranded in denial despite knowing otherwise.

"let's talk," you beg, "one last time."

"what's left to say?" his voice cracks and rin's strength wavers for a moment. "i can't do this. i'm not cut out for this. i don't have time for a relationship; i've already said all of this, please don't make me say it again."

you can tell he's on the verge of tears, lip quivering and eyebrows furrowed, rin pulls you closer. his hands magnetically find your body and he embraces you in a tight hug. it's selfish. he's leading you on once more and giving you false hope that maybe, this time, the conversation will end differently. he longs for the comfort you bring him, but won't provide that same favor when you ask for it.

it's too much to handle alone. you're tired.

this needs to stop.

"i've just been thinking so much lately." you begin, trying to find some courage. any courage. anything to help. "and i've realized that i put so much into this. i put my all into you. i gave you everything, and i'm not— i'm just not—"

"not what?"

a sigh escapes you.

"i'm not enough to convince you to stay."

rin's arms tighten. "you're perfect. you are. i'm the one who's not enough for you. believe me—"

"how can i?" you interrupt. "if i was perfect, you'd try harder. you'd want to keep me around so we can help each other be better. i hate who i'm becoming without you. i have no one to care for. i have all of these feelings and i don't know where to put them because they just want to feel for you. i'm running around in circles trying to process everything that happened because it was so abrupt, but i just can't do it— i want you. all i want is you. i don't know who i am anymore. rin please. you can still change your mind. i'm begging. i've begged so many times. let this work, just once. i love you."

his lips are on yours in a split second, deeply kissing you to end your mindless ramble, and his plan works. he shuts you up.

he ends the conversation, once again, with a kiss; never giving a real answer to your questions. never giving a solution to the dilemma. rin just restarts the cycle of manipulation that he doesn't even realize he's doing. you can't let each other go. your efforts will always fail. you'll be stuck in this loop forever. lonely, yet loving him.

[moon-ttokki-x]

The angst fic you just did of skz reacting to your death was soooo good 😭😭😭def think you should do a pt 2 if you ever consider it :)

*throws heart-wrenching, sob-worthy angst in your face and runs away cackling* SUFFER ! YOU ASKED FOR IT, YOU GET IT !

don't go, please - skz maknae!line x reader (part 2)

pairing: ot8!skz maknae!line x reader

summary: skz maknae line reactions to when you d*e.

genre: so so heavy on the angst like hyung line's, mentions of pushing people away, heavy grief themes, denial, mentions of manic disorders, deluded illusions of happiness, fading personalities, mentions of graves and headstones, mentions of blood and scissors in felix's, jeongin's almost made me cry (oh, my sweet, sweet innie), han's is also super sad

a/n: yeehee part 2 of the angstiest fic i've ever done. why is it actually kinda fun to write sad stuff . . . ? anyway div by @carnage-cathedral

if this content makes you uncomfortable, please skip it . the last thing i want is to make people upset, so don't read this if it's triggering for you. proceed with caution and be safe, my loves <3

skz masterlist | part one (hyung!line)

Han whose mic clatters to the floor as the news sinks in. Can't believe it for a good week or two. Not until he realises that when he comes home, there will no longer be something simmering on the stove, there will no longer be the love of his life standing at the counter with sauce-smeared fingers and a cheeky grin. Spends hours and hours listening to all the love songs he wrote for you and that you never heard; cries over his keyboard and breaks the electronics with his misery. Refuses to rap, because like Changbin, he just can't get the words out of his mouth anymore. Becomes quiet and reserved; is aware of every single word that comes out of his mouth, every move he makes, he scrutinizes. Cries for you in the dark every night.

Felix who storms to the bathroom and immediately begins cutting off all of his hair. Hacks it relentlessly; tufts of blonde fall around his feet and collect on the tear-soaked cotton of his shirt. Nicks himself with the scissors in the process, but he doesn't care. Leaves spots of blood in the ironic shape of a heart on the dimly lit bathroom floor. Stains one of your photo frames with the scarlet; kisses it off, and then kisses the delicate depiction of your face behind the glass, setting it down on the bedside and burying his head in his hands. Refuses to dance or sing; the light goes out of his eyes and doesn't seem to return, an odd, almost eerie look taking over his once effortless and joyful exuberance.

Seungmin who pretends not to be affected; lives in denial of what happened, and goes about his life wondering if it's true. Refuses to look at news articles and completely shuts down when one of the members gently tries to help him open up; it always ends in an argument and slammed doors. Sits on his bed wondering if you'll ever come back, and if you left, was it because of something he did? Often regrets not being nicer to you, and jokes to himself about little things he sees that you would have hated; like incessantly hot weather where it melts his skin like pale chocolate, or the whirring of his laptop fan, which you always complained about. Lives the rest of his days in a sort of deluded happiness; he doesn't really believe you're gone.

Jeongin who chases after you in the crowd, only to come up short holding the sleeve of someone who looked the same as you from behind. Is bewildered when he wakes up every morning and places a hand next to him on the bed, expecting you to be there; he finds only a cold-empty loneliness, your soft indent in the mattress rustling under his shaking hands. Still wears your matching jewelry, and visits where you lay often, burying the rings and necklaces in the soft dirt so that you might be able to see them again one day. Scratches little pictures into your headstone and sits with you for hours, talking about anything and everything. Doesn't move, even when it's pouring down like the sea is crashing down from the sky, and holds and umbrella over your buried being to shield you from the wetness.

a/n: so this one is a little longer but it just flowed out of me i guess

[afyrian]

always open for you sakusa kiyoomi x gn!reader (fluff) m.list | wc: 1.2k | prompts: brother's best friend + next door neighbor

    "oh shit, no no no no no," you whisper to yourself, running up the soiled stairs of your old apartment building.

  the torn paper sign still stays taped against the metallic elevator doors. they've been there for as long as you've lived there, and you'd be damned before your landlord would ever spend the money on something so 'frivolous'. forcing you to push your way up the steps, sweat beads already piling on your forehead.

  precipitation rests on the back of your neck, the back of your shirt already feeling the affects of six flights of stairs. taking in a deep breath, you make your way up the last flight, hands weary of leaning against the stairwell handles. "shit, i'm going to kill him," you whisper once more, praying for the day you free yourself from the lease.

  pushing open the door to the main hallway, you clamber down the carpeted flooring. some doors stay decorated, fall leave wreaths decorating some of the older couples' doors. a few even have welcome floor mats, begging for a place of their own, their welcome mat beautifully placed on a restored wooden porch.

  walking up to your door, you grab at your pocket, feeling for your key. biting your lip, you look up at the cracked clock at the end of the hallway, fifteen minutes until four. finally, your fingers pull the key from the little pocket hidden within your jeans. however, it fumbles from your fingers, falling to the ground.

  rolling your eyes, you lean down quickly in an attempt to pick it back up. and in a rube goldberg type of scenario, your forehead knocks into the door handle. reaching your hand up to the throbbing spot, you straight your back, moving your foot instinctively. the rubber sole of the shoe knocks into the key, sending it under the door. 

  "no no no, this can not be happening today," you shake your head, pressing your head forward to lean against the slightly scratched up door.

  closing your eyes, you can feel the five stages of grief washing through you. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. however, acceptance lingers just far enough in the distance that you can only feel the aura of it. "i can't miss this meeting," you whisper to yourself, mind wandering with thoughts of nearby libraries and shitty reception on your phone.

  before you can lift your head, a nearby door creaks open. the hinges begging for even an ounce of oil. "everything okay?" a voice asks, quietly, yet loud enough that it rings loudly in your ears.

  turning around, you see your one and only neighbor, sakusa kiyoomi. he knows you, you know him. his reputation proceeds him as your brother's closest friend. "hi sakusa, i'm locked out. so okay, for the most part, but i have a meeting i have to attend in a few minutes," your gaze glances towards the clock for another second... twelve minutes. 

  you can remember the first time you met. atsumu invited you to one of their charity events, and he walked in with a suit that could rival anyone. he barely spoke to you, but after you moved in from across from you, the two of you begun to see each other every morning.

  and every morning, you wonder how he can bother to stay in this apartment building. especially when you know how much atsumu makes a season. "that's a bummer... you could borrow my computer if you'd like, until you can get a key. gives me an opportunity to have atsumu owe me something," he shrugs, arms crossing in front of his chest. 

  "that would save my life, plus i would love for atsumu to owe you something as well," you laugh, hands clinging to your bag's strap. 

  sakusa looks back at his door and then to you, "but i do have errands to run, could i give you a key and maybe you could return it next time i see you?"

  his eyebrow quirks upward, a smile growing on his lips. there's a unique feeling you garner from seeing his smile. the way it makes your stomach churn undeniably sets you into a minor panic. "yes, i can absolutely do that. thank you again sakusa. it's an important meeting regarding promotions and missing this would kill me," you clasp your hands together, bowing slightly in appreciation.

  sakusa turns around to unlock the door, not seeing your form of expression. "well, we can't have that happening, now can we?" sakusa shakes his head, opening the door to show a beautifully decorated apartment.

  it differs from the general look and atmosphere of the apartment complex. volleyball paraphernalia sits on a few shelves in the corner, some of the walls painted a pleasant pale yellow color. his kitchen has had some repairs, no cracks in the wood like yours. no drawers stuck closed due to the last renter's indiscretions. 

  even a light scent drifts through the air, blocking the musty smell of the hallway's carpet. "your apartment is beautiful," the words come out quietly, a wave of shock rocking you. 

  "thank you, trying to make it feel like home until i can get a home," he shrugs, walking down the hallway into one of the farther rooms.

  down the hallway hangs some photos that he hung up, all framed in a carved, wooden design. some are of the black jackals' team, one even of sakusa in the middle of spiking the ball. as you venture further, you see one of him and who you presume to be his grandmother. she's cleaning something with him, a candid photo of sorts.

  smiling to yourself, you hurry to catch him in the small office room he holds. it's just as good looking as the living room and kitchen, his computer boosting up with a tired hum. "i can't thank you enough for this," you shake your head, turning on your phone to check the time once more, five minutes, "really, this is life saving."

  "it's alright, this room has been collecting dust anyway, what with all of the tournaments and practices happening lately," sakusa shrugs, fingers gripping at a ballpoint pen as he scribbles something onto a blue post-it note. 

  turning to look at you, he presses the sticky residue against the desk, "this is my number, call or text if you need the password or anything. or feel free to save it if you ever get locked out of your apartment again."

  for a moment, it feels like butterflies flutter within your throat. strangling any sense of normalcy within you, forcing you to feel awkward in his presence. "alright, i definitely will. at least then i won't be stuck with annoying the landlord during his 'personal time'," you roll your eyes, noting every time he's ignored your calls.

  "right... yeah, use it whenever, my apartment is always free, even if i'm not," sakusa nods, pushing open the office door more, making his way back to the front of the apartment.

  standing breathlessly, you tap your finger against the post-it note. staring down at it, you notice the quickly drawn smiley face hidden in a zero. "fuck," you whisper to yourself, noting your heart beating quickly and the heat rushing to your face.

a/n: hating myself for not formatting this all on the actually ask 😔 but i hope you like it dodger <33 gen. taglist (open): @eggyrocks @causenessus @applepi25 @softpia @bakery-anon

[practicalgauntlet]

Δεν θέλω να σε αφήσω

"I don't want to leave you."

Your POV

Synopsis- Sacrifice one of your characters who doesn't want to die and watch them beg to live.

Category- Heavy angst

Notes- I'm writing a full-length fic for Ao3 and experiencing major writer's block, so here's a prompt I stole from Pinterest. This will be a two-part story but there will be no happy ending so don't ask (I have a plan for how I want this written) I will write the fluffiest story I can to make up for it though. Stay tuned.

Warnings- Heavy angst, character death, conon typical gore and violence, no happy ending, I'm feeling very evil today, kidnapping, grief, murder, mentions of torture but no description, established relationship, flashbacks to make all this bearable. Poorly written medical scenes.

Word count- 2,883

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Denial-

You were blindfolded, gagged, and bound in the back of a rattling van. As far as you could tell there were only two people beside you. One driving the van down a winding, bumpy road, and the other in the back with you- holding a gun to your forehead.

How could you have been that stupid?

How could you have let your guard down during a chase?

You were trained better than that.

The team had split up to cover more ground, two members in each direction. You were teamed up with Morgan, much to Spencer's chagrin. Ever since the wedding, he didn't like to be apart from you. But you had spotted a light shining off in the distance, its beam bouncing as if the owner was running. Stupidly, you charged for it, ignoring Morgan's call after you.

It wasn't until a bag was pulled over your head that you realized it was a trap. One that would pull you at least forty-five minutes away from the team.

The van jolted, bouncing up and down as if the road were littered with large rocks and potholes. Maybe it was, you had no idea where you were.

"Why can't we just shoot her? She's a cop."

Your gun-wielding captor murmured, pressing the barrel of the weapon harder against your head. Your heart was pounding but you refused to say anything, refused to give them anything they were looking for.

"Because, jackass, we need 'er. We could hold 'er ransom, she's obviously important. Did you see that one guy lookin' for 'er? I was scared he was goin' to start crashin' out."

"Ugh," The man in front of you presses the gun harder before pulling it away entirely. "Fine."

If your team was going to find you, you were going to have to do your part and get away. Leaving a trail was your best bet. Draw their attention to where you are heading if you can't get out. They were going to find you.

So, with a controlled deep breath, you kick your foot out to the man closest to you. Pride and energy exploded through you as soon as you heard that tale-tell sound of a gun clattering across the floor.

"What the fuck-"

You had managed to get both the gag and the blindfold off, your eyes adjusting to the brightness of the sun streaming in through the windshield and windows. You didn't let it deter you. Quickly you strike, kicking the man once again as you struggle unbinding your hands.

The van swerves and you lose your balance, falling to the ground and landing in a heap of twisted limbs. You didn't have enough time to react as the man towering above you brought the butt of the gun across your skull.

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Anger-

The sky was a vibrant blue with no cloud in sight. Spencer fussed over the use of sunscreen. He didn't want the honeymoon to be ruined over something as preventable as a bad sunburn. You let him dote over you, his wandering hands rubbing the sunscreen over your face and shoulders.

He was so handsome in his thin, white linen shirt and dark slacks, that leather satchel strapped across his chest like always. The two of you were at the beach, the city of Santorini glistening behind you with its bleach-white buildings and cobalt roofs.

When Spencer looked over to you, his sunglasses reflecting the pure joy on your face, he grabbed your hand.

"I'm so excited for forever with you."

"Me too, Spence." - You were tied up to a rusty beam, arms stretched high above your head, toes just barely touching the ground. Your arms ached, your head throbbed, your body was sore. But you still fought, still writhed in place to wear down the rope digging into your skin.

"They'll fucking find you!"

You scream, throat scratchy and ragged. It had been hours since you had been tossed into the basement and unceremoniously tied up. Could it have been more than that? Days? Weeks?

No one answered. Still, you kicked the air, threats echoing into silence. You were literally talking to a brick wall that this point.

"Do whatever you want to me, I'll never talk."

You spit at the ground, ears catching the faintest scrape before the door swung open. Two men and one woman approached. By the looks of it, with her head held high and her confident strut just a few feet in front of the men, she was their leader.

"What the fuck do you want with me, cunt!"

You scream again, energy and anger returned now that you have something organic to yell at. She grabs your face, dagger-sharp nails digging into your cheeks as she squeezes so hard she forces your jaw open.

"Watch your mouth, bitch."

"Make me."

She chuckles darkly, the sound so evil you feel it taint your soul.

"You heard the lady." She snaps her dangerously manicured fingers and the man to your right steps forward. "Make her."

Hours pass and you don't know how much longer you could take their torture. Knives, whips, waterboarding. Anything they could get their hands on, they used. But the lives of your team were at steak. If they weren't already on their way to rescue you.

Blood was lost and skin was ripped. You were kept awake, on the brink of consciousness for so long that you didn't think anything was real anymore. This was supposed to be an easy case, in and out. Spencer promised that he would take you out to dinner; a cute little Greek place that reminded the two of you of the honeymoon.

It was almost like you could see Santorini again. The blinding bright light of the lamp above you twisting and swirling into a midday sun. The sweltering hot heat of the basement bled into the summer air as the two of you walked from one bookstore to the other all the while Spencer rambled on about something you couldn't remember.

The brick walls morphed into the stark white walls of the Air B&B Spencer had rented, with its open windows and stone floors. And soon you were trailing behind Spencer, trying to keep up with his long legs as he pulled you down the cobblestone street.

Your face suddenly stung, your cheek igniting in a powerful blaze that ripped you out of your daydream.

"Wake the fuck up."

You spit in her face and feebly kick at her shins as you continue to dangle. You were too tired to do anything else.

She clicks her tongue at you, smiling a snake's smile.

"Your friends should be here any second. And if they play nice, I might let one of them live."

"You touch-"

Another slap, this time to your other cheek. That fire inside of you, the one that kept you going for however long you'd been there, was slowly dying. You were slowly dying.

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Bargaining-

They had set up a camera. It was an older model that sat on a tripod directly in front of you. On the table to your left sat an old landline; it was on speakerphone. You could hear your team making deal after deal for you, and you could only assume the camera was for them.

"Please..." You whisper, your voice meak. You were so tired, eyes heavy and body numb. You felt like you were floating.

The woman was gone now, her two goons watching you from the table. They refused every deal Hotch made. You don't know why they refused or why they were keeping you here. What did you have that wasn't already offered by your boss?

The man to the left, Dimitri as you learned, grinned an awful smile as he watched you dangle like meat on a hook.

"I'll kill you, you son of a bitch-"

You briefly hear Spencer's voice over speakerphone, the sound like a mirage in the middle of a desolate desert. It pulled you further into the memories that kept you from breaking.

"I love you so much, my darling..."

Dimitri stood, chuckling as you heard a scuffle from the other end of the phone. Spencer was most likely pulled away from the table, kicking and fighting as Morgan took him out of the room.

Your mind was slipping, switching back and forth between fantasy and reality. Soft kisses you could almost feel. The blinding pain in your wrists as the rope rips your skin. His shining smile as you say 'I do'. The throbbing ache all across your body where those fucking monsters continue to cut. The silk sheets sliding against your skin as Spencer kisses down your body.

Finally, Hotch made a deal they seemed interested in. A one-way ticket to dissappear without the threat of the government chasing after them.

"I guess we don't need you no more. It's such a shame, I was just startin' to like ya."

Dimitri raised his gun, the barrel aimed at your temple. It was so close, the bite of the metal against your skin sending adrenaline-filled shivers across your body.

"No, please!" You try, energy coursing through your body as the reality of the situation kicks in.

"Awe, little miss thinks she can plead her way out of this."

The other man, Kyle, joined in. His joy was just as twisted as Dimitri's.

"I don't want to die! You got what you want, please. I have a husband, and a life, and friends!"

You heard somewhere that if you recite your life, your loved ones, and memories, you'd remind them that you were human.

"Boo fuckin' hoo," Kyle mocked as he walked towards the phone and hung up on your team. He moved the camera closer, one last fuck you to the government that failed them.

"You don't understand, please. We got married three- three weeks ago, Penelope’s birthday is next week and I haven't gotten her a present yet. I haven't, I haven't seen my parents all year. Please put the gun down, put it down, please. "

He cocked the gun and squeezed the trigger.

You brace for the pain, the pressure you'd imagine you'd feel. But it didn't come.

"That shit won't work on me, sweetheart. I don't give a shit whether or not you have a litter of ankle biters and plan on meetin' with the president. You're not getting outta this."

"Why?"

"Because I like the look on your face."

Another click. You didn't know if there was even a bullet in the chamber, but every time he pulled the trigger, you flinched.

"This," He drags a meaty finger down your cheek, collecting the tears that were spilling. "Is why."

He licked the tear off his finger, grinning like a madman before pulling the trigger for the sixth time. This was it. Everything happened in slow motion, the release of the gun, the maniacal cackle of the men before you.

Still, you were alive. Still, you were dangling in that basement.

"Please!"

Is all you can say.

"Please stop,"

All other words disappear from your vocabulary.

"Stop, please. I don't wanna die!"

You were rendered a rambling child, begging for a chance to live while they played God with your existence.

Suddenly, you hear an explosion of sound above you. Thundering footsteps, gunshots, falling bodies. They found you.

"I'd say your last words now, mother fucker because you'll never be a free man again."

Dimitri growled in your face. He leaned in real close, his putrid breath fanning across your face.

"And you'll never make it to your one year anniversary."

Boiling, white hot pain spread from your stomach. A knife, its blade twisted in your guts before Dimitri and Kyle are tackled to the ground.

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Depression-

The salty air blew gently across your heated face, the crashing waves like music around you. Spencer pulled you out of the Air B&B after dinner, dragging you down to the beach where he convinced you to a late-night swim.

It was severely out of character for him, but he was just so happy to be married, to be by your side, that he allowed his impulses to rule the night.

The full moon was your only source of light, but you could be blind and still find your way beside him. He was loose and carefree in a way you've never seen him before.

The two of you were waist-deep in water, the tepid waves lapping at your bodies. He held you, one hand in yours and the other on the small of your back, as the two of you rocked to the sound of the ocean.

"I don't think I've ever been this happy before."

He confessed, his face bright. He was looking at you like you were the only girl in the world, and at the moment - with the beach empty - you felt like it.

"Me neither, Spence."

"Please stay with me..."

His voice was different. It was strained, not at all matching the blissful expression on his face. Spencer sounded far away, panicked. All at once, the comfortable warmth of the summer night ocean turned boiling.

Wet, blazing warmth spread across your stomach and leg.

"What?"

"Come, on. Wake up, please. Stay with me."

"I don't want to leave you, Spence."

You were so confused. You weren't going anywhere, not anytime soon. Especially not now.

His face screwed up, his brows drawing in. Tears you didn't notice fell from his lashes as his chin wavered.

"Then stay with me, please."

The night sky disappeared. In its place was a white ceiling. The sound of crashing waves turned into wailing sirens and blunt orders. Spencer's hands around your body turned into the straps of a gurney.

"Spencer?"

You didn't know where he was, your mind still desperately grasping that memory.

"I'm right here, baby. I'm here."

Spencer leaned over you and his worried face was in your vision. He placed his hand on your face, his thumb tracing idle circles into your cheek.

"Where are we?"

Where did the ocean go? You miss it terribly.

"We're on our way to the hospital, darling. You're going to be okay. "

You had the feeling that he was saying that more to himself than to you. But it was comforting nonetheless.

Your eyes felt too heavy, your body too cold. It didn't feel like you were in an ambulance, it felt like you were floating in the ocean, your body suspended in time.

"No, no, no!"

Spencer yelled.

Why was he yelling? You were having such a good time at the beach.

"Baby, please!"

He tapped your cheek, his hands suddenly too warm.

"Calm down, Spence."

Words spilled out of your mouth like molasses, your tongue sticking to the roof of your mouth.

"Were in Greece..."

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Acceptance-

"Scalple."

There was an insistent beeping.

Everything was dark, your body floating in a void that was all too familiar.

Muffled murmurs, a metallic release of air, something wet.

"Baby?"

You turn, and the darkness bled into a soft light. You were in Spencer's apartment, arms and legs tangled with his.

"Yes, my love?"

"I'm going to miss you."

You prop yourself up on your elbow and tuck a piece of hair behind his ear.

"What do you mean, dork? I'm not going anywhere."

Spencer looked so sad.

"What's wrong, Spence?"

He pulled you forward with both hands on your face. Spencer kissed you deeply, his lips moving over yours in a way that had your heart soaring.

When he pulled away, he tucked you under his chin.

"Nothing, just rest."

The sheets were not as soft as your remember, his body not as warm. Something was off. And then it hit you. The van, the torture, the knife.

"I'm dying, aren't I?"

Spencer said nothing, only pulling you closer.

"Did I at least get to say good bye?"

A kiss to your forehead but still no comment.

"Spencer, say something please..."

"The time I spent with you had been the best years of my life."

Oh god.

"Don't say that, baby."

"You'll always be the love of my life. No one will replace you."

"No, Spencer. Stop."

"I'll see you soon, my darling. You better be waiting for me on the other side."

You claw at him, begging him to stop saying such stupid things. But he doesn't respond, only settling further into the bed and holding you as tight as he could.

After a while, you give up and hold onto him as well. You lay there, in his arms, for so long you start to relax.

"I'll wait for you, Spencer. But do me a favor."

He finally looks at you, tears freely flowing down his face.

"Don't subject yourself to a lonely life just because I'm not there. If you meet someone, you meet someone. I just hope they make you happy. That's all I want."

He smoothes his hand down the back of your head.

"Promise me, Spence."

"I promise."

You knew he was lying, but you also knew this wasn't Spencer. It was your subconscious mind preparing you for departure.

You stay in his arms after that, imagining what awaited you on the other side.

[skyborneveggie]

oh my goodness your hanahaki posting is getting to me. do you have more specific thoughts on a (lawlight?) hanahaki au? flower symbolism, logistics of the illness progression/timeline, etc.? do they both get it, do they ever get over it, is this the ultimate doomed flower sickness yaoi??? The People (me) wanna know!!!

Omg thank you so much for asking because I have SO many thoughts!!! I'm currently writing a fic on this & it was supposed to be just a little plot bunny thing, but then the implications hanahaki would have for Light's psyche kept running on & on & on in my mind 😩.

To start with, I have a bit of an unconventional take when it comes to hanahaki and similar tropes... I have a very strong preference for returning agency to the person experiencing the symptoms, and in that way making hanahaki not about unrequited/unconfessed love, but about emotionally repressing one's own feelings and an inability to be honest with oneself. The body is eating itself, and out of the dead pieces grows a desperate, last chance, unignorable cry for help. For the mind to listen. A beautiful, growing thing that should have been nurtured, becomes murderous. It's a physical manifestation of extreme psychological distress; one that can only be healed by approaching emotional self-acceptance.

In this light, I feel that post-yotsuba Light is PRIME to fall prey to this. He's already the king of repression, and now on top of that he's repressing his grief over L's death to the furthest ends of the earth and back. Light is someone who, as presented in the narrative, is incapable of self-realization. What would he do if he was confronted with irrefutable physical evidence of his own emotions? Is he capable of putting in the work to heal? Is he so compartmentalized that he can pick out this one element of himself and ignore all the other hidden fragments it's tied to? Or are the many fibers of his subconscious too jumbled, too interwoven to be able to separate the strands of his feelings for L out from the mess? If he opens the box to look inward, will the truth of everything else come spilling out? Is it better to live, destroyed by the guilt of the truth of your actions; that you were only ever a mass-murderer and that. is. all? Or is it better to die, in denial, and convince yourself it was martyrdom?

And also like. The absolute shame Light would experience in the mid-to-late stages, when the effects become unconcealable. There's no way he would be able to hide it from the task force for all that time. How does someone who can't abide even the slightest hint of his own imperfection, deal with not only the internal knowledge of his emotional instability, but also the knowledge that everyone else can now see it on him too. The hatred he would feel any time he saw pity in someone's eyes. The feeling of his body betraying his mind, and everything he stands for.

Light is someone that I see as being very disconnected from his body to begin with, existing largely within his own mind, his body nothing more than a vehicle with which to navigate the unimpressive, foggy, distant physical world through. I can imagine that for a very, very long time, he would be in absolute denial about what is happening to him. His mind is the only true thing, and it knows itself better than anything. His body—clunky, stupid, vacuous—is a traitorous and meaningless vessel. It is wrong, it doesn't understand him. It is pulling things from nowhere.

At some point, he has to face the facts, acknowledge the truth about his grief and true feelings for L, and make a intentional decision about his future. There is no more naive & unconscious path forward. It is either a conscious choice to accept the known truth, or a conscious choice to suppress the known truth.

(Also I think Misa's interaction with all of this could be FASCINATING. I'm of the opinion Misa is not truly in love with Light either, and that she uses him as a prop in her own internal agenda to simulate love & normalcy. L is dead, so I don't imagine she'd see him as much of a threat to her built-up fantasy. I do wonder if she would fear for Light as an extension of fearing for herself and her own future without him, or if by nature of it being a slow decline, she would be able to come to terms with it in a toxic kind of way and romanticize the hell out of taking care of her "poor terminally ill boyfriend :(".)

The idea of Light getting hanahaki in the first half while L is still alive is interesting, & one I've thought about far less tbh. I kind of feel like since it is a present, living feeling at that point and hasn't yet become internalized as a past-tense emotional memory, it could be possible for Light to come to terms with his feelings without jeopardizing his internal construct. If it was between life and death, I'm certain he would choose life in that case. But I'm not sure that it would deter him from killing L in the end.

And perhaps this goes without saying, but if the operation was available in this theoretical universe, pre-yotsuba Kira!Light would recognize & get it all ripped out right away out of necessity, to prevent himself from being compromised under pressure of the game. Post-yotsuba Light, with the threat of immediacy removed and dull fog of mundanity descended over him, would have more time to linger in denial. (I am trying to decide, for my fic, whether it is believable that Light could be so deep in denial that he could let himself get to the point where the flowers and vines have inextricably embedded themselves in his system, and the surgery is no longer possible by the time he seeks help; or if his sense of self-preservation outweighs his emotional denial. I would love to hear your opinion on this 🤔) Yotsuba Light is so, so interesting to think about!! He has the highest capacity to heal his hanahaki the natural way, but he is still the same perfectionist, internally unforgiving person. I'm kind of torn as to whether I think he would be able to reach self-realization, or if he would still see his feelings as a weakness and get the flowers taken out. I could see either happening under the right circumstances.

As for L: I feel that L is able to be a lot more emotionally honest with himself than Light is. If he got hanahaki, I think it would fuck him up inside and that it would be despairing, but I also think that he doesn't have an internalized compulsion to lie to himself. He might hate it, but he would be able to accept the truth of his feelings, and banish the flowers by letting the knowledge of it live in his body like a silent, melancholic memento. In this way, L's hanahaki has the potential to be canon compliant. Alternatively, if he did get the surgery, it would be more of a calculated, impersonal decision, one that he might not really want to do but has to for his own best chance at surviving the game. He might be a bit mournful & carry a bit of preemptive regret over it. Unlike Light, who would tear everything out with furious self-loathing.

I could go on even more, but this has already become extremely long 🙈. Thank you for listening to me ramble endlessly haha.

[sailorsenshishitposter]

Nobara Kugisaki x Reader

Nobara Kugisaki:

Your type of woman is a tomboy, you don't take shit from anybody and your favorite console is the Nintendo Wii.

First Date:

You had recently arrived at the Tokyo branch of Jujutsu High and couldn't be happier. You found out that you wouldn't be the only girl included in the first years which you were grateful for. "Ugh, boys stink! I hope they don't bathe in axe body spray..." It was then that you met Kugisaki. The two of you began to bond and by the end of the week, you had setup a smash bros. competition in your dorm.

Right now it was Itadori vs Fushiguro. Your switch controllers were acting up again so you decided it would be best to just take turns. Itadori had chosen Kirby while Fushiguro decided to main Greninja. "Man Fushiguro, you suck! You really need to learn how to wave dash!" The boy groaned. "I have no idea what that means..."

Soon it was Nobara's turn and she wiped out everyone with Donkey Kong. There were no survivors. While the boys looked defeated, she pulled out her phone and started flossing to the DK rap. Gojo would never let them live this down.

One day the two of you were out for a walk when you noticed something. "That guy's still there... Kugisaki, I think he's following us..." She instantly turned around. "Hey you! You got a problem!?" The stranger grinned. "Wow! Two girls! I can't believe how lucky I am!" Kugisaki spat towards him. "Hey, wanna play a fun little game? It's called Matthew 27:46." The boy stuttered. "Huh?"

"I would start running if I were you! It's not every day that I'm nice enough to offer to play tag with a stranger." She pulled out her hammer and now this guy knew that he was in deep shit. He started to run away, screaming while Kugisaki flung her nails at him. She started to pin him down, bolt by bolt until he was crucified.

"There. That should hold you. Now ####### let's head back-". Suddenly there was another guy. "Yo. I see what you did to my buddy there. I gotta say, nice job!" You both tensed. "...What is it that you want exactly..." The stranger began to laugh. "Can't a guy just play a wholesome game of tag? C'mon, it'll be fun!"

"I refuse!" The stranger rested his arms behind his head. "That's too bad. Oh well. It's not like you have a choice. Ready or not, here I come!" Before you could comprehend the situation, the stranger slapped Kugisaki over her eye. You let out a scream. "KUGISAKI!!!!!"

Kugisaki's eyeball exploded like it was made of confetti and then her body toppled over. You then heard a voice say "pop, goes the weasel!". You charged at her murderer. "YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU!" ------------------------ Before you knew it, you were awake. "Was it really a dream?" It had been three years since Gege had killed off your favorite character and you were still in one of the five stages of grief. "There's a new chapter. Maybe he brought her back!" You finished reading and became disappointed. Stage one. Denial.

[cantareincminor]

⭐ tell us what you've been DYING to talk about regarding a fic of yours!!!

Thank you dear for the open-ended question! It's funny that I solicited this type of ask and now that you've asked, I had a tough time picking something to talk about! Because I want to make sure it's interesting.

Two things about Orpheus that I look back on fondly:

Yor's feelings of denial.

I took my time with resolving all the information asymmetries for the first half of the fic, starting with Yuri's fate, then the identity reveals. On Yor's side, I really enjoyed trying to flesh out her past and how her grueling childhood and training with Garden shaped her personality and naivete. Shopkeeper told her not to ask questions and harbor doubts while on a job, because hesitation will get you killed. The time to ask questions is before you accept the job. But she took this so deeply to heart, as a psychological shield against having to murder people starting from her teenage years, that she avoided asking questions about almost anything that she didn't understand or made her afraid. When she starts to suspect Loid is not who he says he is, she stops herself from diving deeper. She tells him outright that she doesn't want to know. This is also in the context of the immense grief she's in over her brother's comatose state. Loid and Anya are the only anchors she has, and she can't stand to let Loid go and shatter their fledgling relationship and the safety it provides.

This is rather personal, as I look back on periods of denial in my own life (as I'm sure many others have also experienced as well). Times when I was so infatuated with someone that I couldn't let them go, even though we only had limited time staying in the same city and would soon have to move halfway across the world from each other. Choosing to turn a blind eye to that to savor the time we have left, even if it'll cause both of us more pain in the long run.

After Yor gives up this attitude of denial, she matures as a character, gains more confidence and isn't as afraid to ask questions anymore. This is of course with Twilight's help too, with his strengths complementing her weaknesses. I hope that this journey out of denial helps sell her character journey as a believable one.

Melinda's character

While I was writing in the first half of 2024, we didn't know all that much about Melinda other than her "strange aura" that Yor observed, and her conflicting thoughts toward Damian after the bus hijacking. Canon will probably diverge a whole lot from my characterization of Melinda as a conniving, temperamental woman who wields her power for her own ends. But still, it was so fun shaping her character, and Yor and Twilight's perceptions of her.

She's bitter at heart, resentful toward her husband for pushing her away after his life-altering operation. Resentful toward her children because she wanted more for her life than merely bearing heirs for the Desmond bloodline. She sees herself as capable and intelligent and deserving of more power and authority, but as a woman she is only able to work behind the scenes, and is still ultimately under the rule of her husband.

Privileged people like this can be a godsend if they're on your side, wielding almost unlimited resources in connections, money, and political power. It affects almost every aspect of their lives, where they tend to assume any obstacle can and should be cleared away at their orders, regardless of what their underlings have to do to take care of the problem. But when they're actively against you, you're in a very dangerous spot indeed.

When I began to assign titles to every chapter, one of my favorite chapter titles was Medea (chapter 47, a rather explosive one). I love Greek mythology and reading about the different tragic characters and trying to understand them. Medea was a witch and the wife of Jason. She bore him two children, but he was unfaithful and was probably never truly interested in her to start with, only agreeing to the marriage because she helped him on his quest for the golden fleece. He eventually left her to marry a princess for political gain. In revenge she killed her own two sons as well as the princess.

I thought this was fitting for Melinda and her resentment of her husband and children, especially her menacing attitude toward Damian. She literally wishes that he didn't exist. That she could be free of this burden. We don't know exactly why yet in canon, but such thoughts are extremely frightening.

---

Thank you again for the ask Rach! And thank you to whoever managed to read this far!

[kolbietheaggrievedwriter]

i'm losing my damn mind over these two men!!!! this is SO your fault, kolbie. you made niren and ellliot so loveable and kasnsksnsn

you.... you....!!!!!!!

head in hands

i'm still in denial over the fact that my simping has made an entirely new au kms

i just wonder how they'd react if they found out that their courter is dead or alive.... i'm in shambles over them. the way that you described elliot keeping the cloak no matter what, "like a dog with a bone".

"would maybe even be able to see this coming" due to how the gifts were getting longer and longer periods of time in arrivals, which may be excused for breaks or just simply personal matters. the way that some of the more recent gifts are more ragged than old ones. the way that the letters get shorter and shorter, as if running out of time.

which would be better, a dead one? or a courter that is alive but can not, no matter what you try, come to your side? can not live with you? maybe i'll just end up as their white moonlight either way.

also, been rereading Fool of a Prince for the past week because of this damned obsession. can't believe you've done this to me!!! i hope you're cursed in your next gacha banner!!!!!

It's all part of my master plan 😈

Lol That's all your fault, Niren and Elliot simp anon

Dead - probably grief (bc even if they never met you, they got to know you through your letters and gifts, didn't they?), anger, regret, guilt. What if they'd found you sooner? What if they could have saved you? What if you'd never left? Now they can only imagine what could have been and hurt themselves with the possibilities over and over again, like cradling the shards of a broken mirror with bloodied fingers and looking for visions of you. They'd carry that wound with them forever.

On the other hand, if alive, Niren would leave you be. He'd guess you were hiding from Chel, and he wouldn't expose you. He knows all too well the kind of danger you'd be in. He would let Elliot know and would imply the circumstances, so Elliot wouldn't seek you out either. But they would be heartened by the news, and it would be one more reason to kill Chel, root out her conspirator, and prevent the war. They could meet you.

So yes, white moonlight status either way haha

Lmao I regret nothing 😌

[diinotrains]

TTTE AU LORE DUMP

(Wasps of Wisteria aka, WOW)

[ Before we start I must add some disclaimers,this au & discussion around contain; Bugs, Body Horror, Possession/Mind Control, Character Death & overall dark themes. If these things disturb or discomfort you please scroll away now for your own safety & health. You matter more than this silly thing.]

So this au takes place some time after day of the diesels & TATMR. Maybe like six months afterwards if we're looking at time period. Though it's not really specified.

This all starts like several centuries (like..120 & half years) ago. Like before sodor railway was as big as it is today. They are in the fucking trenches here dude. It was literally just the old farts of the engines. Like. Edward, duke, fearless Freddy etc (yes I know about fearless Freddy and I love him..fearless Freddy lover RISE.)

Diesel 10 & Lady are still on good terms before Diesel 10 goes crazy & tries to kill Lady in order to take all of her gold dust for himself in an act of jealousy & rage. There backstory is like Luna & celestia expect Luna just gets crazier & goes full out with body mods & starts talking to a non senaint claws on his back that connected to his crazy fucking everything tool arm that 100% definitely has a Lazer in it.

& Celestia grows resentful due to all the trouble luna has caused her but at the same time she can only feel sorrow as she knows he is good. He was good. but his mind is far to rotted away because she literally turned him into a god like her and didn't know the consequences of turning a normal ass guy with extremely high iq and can make robots and shit immortal. She keeps giving him bits of gold dust whenever they fight ( which is rare that they get close enough to) " by accident" in order to keep him alive because she can't handle him dying even though that is what would end his eternal suffering she just can't let go.

Her grief for someone gone has made a man that cannot live. Oh and diesel is aware she's giving him the gold dust but let's her because he still deep down cares and the thought of her grefing for all eternity alone terrfiys him deep inside he core because if what he became from just anger and rage, imagine what she could become from grief. Primal,human grief that grabs you by the throat and chokes you until you are gurgling and spitting up your own past blood and watching it run down your chest as the denial begins to fade and the rage begins to form.

However there is this motherfucker named Wasp who loves controlling people so they can cause chaos and despair. The also have a wasp face but a human body. It's not there's either btw! They are possessing the first FC wife btw...sorry (deceased) Lady Hatt the 1 (This obviously takes place after the second dude is born)

[hazel-of-sodor]

Guardian Ch.2 The Phantom

Guardian

Other Stories

Ch.2 The Phantom

"Dry rails and smooth running friend," Thomas greeted the specter before them, his tone calm but with steel underlying it, " you have journeyed far to be here tonight." The engine, if it could truly be called such,  quietly hissed, seeming to ask something. Thomas gave the engine equivalent of a nod and replied, " Then you have arrived friend, this is the North Western, you are safe here," Thomas seemed to hesitate, glancing back towards the cab. "And I am Caomhnóir," he said quietly. Something seemed to settle in the engine, a soft hiss of steam escaping it. Nicole sighed quietly in relief, but this was a mistake as the red light suddenly snapped to fixate on her, illuminating the cab. The engine's frame groaned, a twisting creaking sound that set Samantha's teeth on edge as she realized it was growling. 

"None of that now!" Thomas snapped, his temper flaring," threaten my crew and you will find my name well earned!" The two locomotives seem to lock glares, each sizing the other up. After what was probably seconds, but felt like an eternity the red light looked to the side and a low sad whistle sounded.

"I know," Thomas said with quiet grief, looking at the track between them" but these are not the ones who hurt you, and are among the few who genuinely care for us. Harming them only hurts our own." The engine made a quiet puff of agreement and for a long moment there was silence between the two as mist swirled through their wheels.

Eventually Thomas looked up and asked, "What keeps you here so long my friend? Many have come but none so long as you."

The specter made a series of clanking sounds that Samantha recognized from engines cooling down at the end of day.

Thomas was silent for a long moment, then said softly, "besides you there are two others left."

The whistle let off was a shriek of denial, outrage, and grief and left them covering their ears.

Thomas was silent for a moment, letting the specter grieve, before asking, " One of them lives here on the Island, would you like to see her?" The engine gave a short sharp whistle in affirmation.

"You'll have to let my crew help you," Thomas warned. The specter seemed to hesitate for a second then gave a determined sounding puff.

"Right," Thomas replied firmly, he glanced back, "Driver?" 

"Yes, Thomas?" She was proud her voice only quavered slightly.

"They need to see Emily, can we take them there?" 

Samantha glanced with apprehension at the specter, "even if we can move them, we'll need someone to take our train from Knapford."

Thomas thought for a moment, "Percy will still be there, and he'll take the train. He knows what this means to them." He glanced back towards the cab, "You'll have to couple me up so I can move them. You'll need your gloves and be quick, it's not safe for you to touch them long, gloves or not."

"Is it safe for you to touch them?" Samantha asked as she pulled the gloves out of the tool box.

"I can manage," he said. She noticed he hadn't answered the question, but decided to trust his judgment. She climbed down from the cab with Nicole watching. She offered her a nervous smile then began pulling on the gloves as she walked towards the engine only to freeze as she saw the engine. Whereas once the engine had seemed mostly of solid steel, she could now see through the engine.

"Why can't...," Samantha hesitated, " why can't I see them as well?" 

"You are not an engine, you are human," Thomas said simply, " your kind always has trouble seeing those engines yet to pass on." He glanced back at her, " you could see them better in the cab because you were physically touching me, now the only reason you see them at all is because you're my driver."

As if in response to the conversation, the red light swung to her.

"This is my Driver Samantha," Thomas said proudly, " we've never been late since she took over." The red light swept over her form once more before turning back to Thomas

'Right no pressure on that count,' she thought wryly, Thomas was infamous among crews for his need to keep time. She finished pulling on the gloves as reached his front. 

Thomas glanced over to her and said, " As soon as we’re coupled, drop the gloves on the ground, they won't last long after anyway."

'Well that's reassuring,' she thought. As Samantha reached out and grabbed the engine's coupler, she felt impressions flash across her mind. She felt herself racing through a cold snowy night, her large driving wheels a blur beneath her. She pulled the chain towards Thomas' own. A freight engine that she shot past whistled/screamed a warning. She hooked the couplers together. The screech of her brakes and shrill of her whistle filled the night as she saw the wrecked coaches laid across her tracks far, far too late.

Samantha stumbled back, gasping for air, as she ripped off the gloves and threw them to the ground. As the gloves hit the ground she watched the leather erode away before her eyes, as if years of use happened in seconds. Soon there would be nothing left but ash. She shivered, even through the gloves the couplers had been cold enough to feel as if they burned.

She looked up to see both engines looking over at her.

"Are you ok ?" Thomas asked with concern.

"I’m fine, I’m fine," Samantha said, reassuring herself as much as her engine. "Just...I think I saw what happened to them."

Thomas winced, " I'm sorry, I would have warned you but that had only happened with other engines before."

She wanted to shake him and demand to know how he knew as much about ghost engines as he did, and more importantly, was this a common occurrence with him!?!? But instead she took a deep breath and collected herself.

"Why did the gloves rot when I touched them," she asked, " and will the same happen to you?"

"They are no longer of our world, " Thomas stated sadly, " for all they have not passed beyond, they do not belong here any longer and the dissonance damages those involved." He rolled gently forward and buffered up to the engine. Rust slowly started spreading from where their buffers met. "I am an engine like them, so I'm able to handle it better as we're less different. I'll be able to get them to Kellsthorpe Road, but I'll probably need my front repainted afterwards."

Samantha nodded and shakily climbed back into Thomas' cab, and slowly started the train forward. Despite the state of the engine, it rolled smoothly backwards towards Knapford. They were able to make good time even with the unexpected addition and the train pulled in, right on schedule. People on the platform stared in shock at the spectral engine at the front as their shaken passengers disembarked. 

Percy came around a bend in the sidings, " Almost late Thomas? I am sur...prised...."

Percy trailed off as he pulled up next to Thomas, staring at the specter. The engine wheeshed a greeting. Percy gave a timid, "Hello," then nervously glanced at Thomas for an explanation.

"Our friend here found us in the valley and upon learning Emily lives here, they asked for help to go see her before they pass on. But someone needs to take my train back..."

"I'll do it," Percy interjected.

"Thank you," Thomas said with feeling.

"I'd be heartless not to help an engine in their place," Percy said simply.

Nicole walked over to the station master to arrange their run to the Kirk Ronan Branch. As they waited Percy asked, " You seem really strangely comfortable with this, Thomas?" The engine hissed in seeming agreement.

Thomas raised an eyebrow, "I first encountered a departed engine back in the twenties. It never gets easy or boring, but it's certainly not new to me."

"Then why did you run from my ghost?"

Everyone in earshot paused, as the story of Percy's prank was well known on the branch even before it appeared in the books.

Thomas stared down at his buffers for so long that Samantha thought he wouldn't answer, she went to turn away when she heard him say quietly, "Because it was you."

"What?" Asked Percy, confused.

Thomas sighed and looked up to meet Percy's eyes with an unusually vulnerable expression. "I ran because it was you. I couldn't handle the idea that you had been so unhappy here that you couldn't pass on. That's why I didn't believe Toby when he said he saw your ghost. I refused to believe an engine on my branchline, one I thought was my friend, could be so unhappy and me never realize it." Thomas looked down and refused to meet anyone's gaze.

"You are my friend," Percy said softly then chuckled quietly, "the Lady knows we argue and bicker all the time, but I've never doubted that you cared. And I am happy here, more then I have been anywhere else."

The two engines and the specter sat quietly in companionable silence, while they waited for Nicole to return.

Once the station master arranged their route to Kellsthorpe Road, Nicole uncoupled Thomas from Annie and Samantha shunted him forward past the points, letting Percy take his place. The points were switched and Thomas pulled the spector onto the mainline running bunker first towards Emily’s branch.

" Good luck, both of you!" Percy whistled.

Thomas and the specter both whistled farewells in reply as they set off down the line.

[liketheinferno2]

Coming out of Endwalker like... so many thoughts I am not quite ready to organise without looking back, but I think I have figured out why a lot of people see Stormblood as the odd egg out in this story. It's not the pacing, and it's not that the characters are as unbearable as a lot of people make them out to be either, it's just a step backwards thematically. It backs off from the personal emotional stuff and is a big wide plot thing, and it makes sense that it would be, considering a lot of it was apparently plotted out before even Heavensward and still running on ARR logic. But there's this long running thing in this game that was always better expressed through figurative feelsy stuff where the pain is grand and unreal, sometimes literally inconceivably great the way big numbers don't compute in the human brain. Stuff that is tethered closer to emotions than physical events and gets as close to the characters as possible. Write what you know but not with actual events I guess?

FFXIV at its brightest is about grief, depression, denial and escapism and how you have to move past all of that to make your life worth living -- For those we have lost, for those we can yet save -- but more than that, how this is only really possible through new and surviving bonds. You can't save everyone and you can't get those people back. There's no way to rewind or undo the loss and trauma and the characters who cause themselves suffering are all either out for revenge, or reincarnation that they could never live to see, or more broadly they're looking for a meaning in life that has a finite end point. Estinien, G'raha are both extremely relevant additions to the cast for this reason, it's far more than just fan appeal. 1. Guy who lived to kill, not just for lost loved ones but a life he could have had; almost ends the life he has now if not for new love and friendship. 2. Guy who lived to die out of love, and when denied this had to come to terms with the fact that removing yourself from a loved one is not a kindness, and one person cannot be the beginning and end of where you find purpose. The amount of beloved characters who only enter the main cast proper after you stop them from offing themselves was never lost on me.

Anyway, if Heavensward was when this theming got LOUD and ANGRY, Shadowbringers is when it was cold and alone. I came out of Shadowbringers rattled, genuinely exhausted. Endwalker is not like that. It's the story not just for people in the abyss, but those of us who have climbed out again. A lot of people are Hermes in this story, but I'm a Venat type myself... and it's something you can only achieve after digging through the mud. Extremely rare to ever have a story like this written from that perspective. Once I realised what her white robes meant I changed mine. That's neither here nor there but Endwalker eases you in, stresses you out, hurts over and over but keeps giving you anchors to hold onto and relationships to push you forward, and up to the very last second it's harder and harder (for the characters at least,) but then the relief! Shadowbringers felt like washing up on the beach, Endwalker lets you down gently! God it's good.

I know what an actual character end feels like so I wasn't crying in that final area, I think my prevailing emotion was "I hate these nihilist cunts" "I hate that all this destruction was needless" "I hate this fucking crab bucket dimension" but in a completely positive way. It's that frustration I feel when someone refuses to accept that they have defined their own meaninglessness, it is not inherent and it is causing them all this unnecessary pain. This is the suicide expansion, that's just what it is. I had my doubts when that first came up in the patches but not once did it feel cheap, even when the game beats you over the head with it. The end reveal that "suffer with me" was never even supposed to be kindness, because of course it wasn't, of course there's rage and fear in that, Hermes said himself that killing something that wants to live is not beautiful.

And there's debate about whether the Ancients had an "actual utopia" or not -- A. Of course it was because Emmie said so, B. Of course it wasn't because Hermes and Meteion suffered -- but that's not even the right question to ask in my opinion. It was an actual utopia, caveat: in a piece of fiction written with the idea that utopia and perfection is unachievable and would destroy anyone who could reach it. It being actually genuinely all but free of pain for mankind is not a loss of a great society that could never be rebuilt, but a sort of literalised escapism, literalised denial, an unreachable world that people on real world (the sundered one, in-universe) can only wish or hope existed, if somehow we could ever be free of strife. You go to the Garden of Eden and it's a lab. It's heaven bro. It's heaven and you can't reach it through violence.

Ironically Zenos who was such a... ???? ... in Stormblood ended up being best adapted to the themes of Endwalker because here's 3. Guy searching eternally for what meaning he can find through violence, when actually hurt for the first time in his adult life finds it the closest thing to closeness he's yet felt. But instead of identifying that closeness as what he wants, blames it on the violence instead, literally chases you to the ends of the earth hoping you'll kill each other in some ultimate act of physicality and what is, to Zenos, love! The nearest thing to it. The harder he pushes this way the further he pushes any reasonable person away from reciprocating. He gets so close to realising what he's done wrong, not in his actions but in the meaning he has defined for himself. Alisaie gets closer than anyone to cracking him just by telling him he'll die hated and alone. And personally I do think the rescue button was made of his regret, some last second realisation that dying is not what he wanted, and more than that, he does not want the person who at least tried to give his life meaning to die too. Loving or hating this character are both completely reasonably strong reactions but he loves YOU, like it or not. That's kinda the point...

Terrified I'm gonna lose this post so I end it here. Endwalker was unmatched. Best Game.

[intimidating-fettuccine]

I feel compelled to get on the trend of asking for anguish, what's up.... Homicidal liu/Sully dealing with the 5 stages of grief after losing his Y/N ???

Denial:

Liu, in his denial stage, is mostly in extreme shock. For a few weeks after your unexpected death, Liu is almost in a trance. He doesn't know how to process anything, and he spends most of his days spacing out, unfocused, not taking care of himself because he can't believe that you aren't there beside him anymore. He barely knows how to go about life anymore, and people around him have to generally step in and help him even handle the most basic of things because he's not functioning properly. Sully doesn't come out at all during the denial stage, not that Liu even realizes with how out of it he is. 

Anger:

His anger stage isn't any easier. His anxiety shoots through thr roof, he devlops an extremely high temper that could rival that of even Sully's, exploding over the smallest of things before panicking and apologizing, isolating himself quite a lot. He spends a lot of time being angry at himself, blaming himself for your death, beating himself up (sometimes literally), and soaking in self-hatred. Whenever Sully starts coming back out at this stage, things end BADLY. He's even angrier over the two of them failing to protect you, and he'll get extremely physical with just about anyone he comes across, unable to cope and sinking back into violence as a way to get out his emotions. 

Bargaining:

Bargaining comes in the form of opening up. It's quite shocking and alarming, of course, when Liu knocks on Jeff's door one night, crying, bloodied and bruised from his own hands, asking if Jeff would like to talk about anything and spend some time together. It's an obvious cry for help, and it's one that Jeff answers, quickly taking in Liu and bandaging him up, and the two of them stay up all night that night talking about everything, about you, about their past, about their feelings. Liu doesn't stop crying throughout the whole thing, and honestly, neither does Jeff. Jeff will end up becoming Liu's support system, before helping Liu to branch out to the other creeps eventually. It feels good, Liu thinks, to have gotten that weight off his chest. 

Depression:

He feels helpless. Incredibly helpless. Even Sully, whenever he's out, has now reverted into someone incredibly quiet and softspoken, as if neither of them have any energy. All of their emotions that had been running high for so long in the anger stage have died out, and now they're both just incredibly deflated. They're both incredibly sad, unable to find joy in anything or anyone, and they take to spending a lot of time in solitude, simply watching from afar. Although, Liu won't mind accepting a conversation every now and then, as the creeps do make a huge effort to communicate with him as they've never seen him like this before and it's quite obvious to all of them that he, the normally cool and controlled glue that would hold them together, is finding himself lost and wandering around amongst his sadness. 

Acceptance:

It's this support that helps him lead his way into acceptance. It doesn't happen all at once, it's not sudden, but it happens over time, over a few months. All of the support, all of the love that they've been giving him, it all reminds him that he isn't alone, that he'll be okay, that even if he misses you more than anything, that he can continue on and survive without you. He still thinks of you often, you occupy his thoughts extremely regularly, but he now thinks of you fondly and yearns for you, rather than feeling bitter and dispairing about what happened. He feels more complete and full now, leaning on the support of others and wishing that you're at peace now, wishing he had a way to tell you that he'll be okay, and that you don't have to be too worried about him anymore. He'll never be completely whole without you, but he can go on and live for the both of you.

[rendevousz]

mum?

mother figure!nat x fem!teen!reader

avengers x reader

req by @teenwonder ; i absolutely love the entire teams adoration for reader skfksngnsf its so cute! could i please request one a little more nat based? maybe r treats and loves nat like a mom but nat hadn’t noticed that before, and the whole team is like listing examples of how and why 🥺🥺🥺

summary: the four times you needed nat and the one time she admits that she needed you too.

warnings: blood, a random attack out of nowhere because i'm not creative, inaccurate writing of medical situations because i have no idea how those things work, also let's just pretend bruce was around during iron man 2 when tony still had palladium in his arc reactor, also inaccurate descriptions of palladium effects bcs i just...don't know much about palladium pls forgive me thanks, and idk any hospitals in new york/manhattan or even the states LMAO so uh bear with this, and last but not least, my inability to write good endings

word count: 5426

notes: that's a long ass warning nevertheless pls do enjoy this fic <3

"i'm going now, bye!" you bid the team who were having breakfast together, walking out of the common area.

"bye, cupcake! don't get into trouble, don't do what i'd do and definitely don't do what i wouldn't do." tony advised and you rolled your eyes because tony says that to you every morning before you leave for school.

"wait, don't forget your lunch!" nat stands up from her seat and grabs your lunch that she had packed, from the kitchen island, bringing it over to you. "thanks, nat!" you grabbed it, giving her a quick peck on the cheek before leaving.

nat smiles at the action, turning around to walk back to her spot on the table, only to find the team staring back at her with knowing looks.

"what?"

"you know, you only need to sign a couple papers and the kid's all yours." tony states matter-of-factly. nat snaps her head towards the man, an incredulous look on her face. "what are you talking about?"

"we all see the longing looks on both your faces. she's dying for you to call her your daughter and you, her mother." clint explains and the others nodded in agreement.

"that's nonsense. she has wanda too," nat reasons, sitting back down. "i'm pretty sure she sees wanda as a sister considering how much she drags wanda with her whenever she's causing trouble around the tower." steve raises his brows at the redhead who was in denial.

"she sees you as her mother, nat. just accept it," wanda tells her, taking a sip from her glass. "really? name me one time she showed it." nat challenges them, not knowing that they've been watching your interactions with her for the longest time.

"you have no idea what you just got yourself into, romanoff," clint chuckles, cracking his neck and knuckles as if preparing for a fight.

"remember new mexico?" he smirks and nat only frowns, trying to remember.

i.

"no!" you screamed, dropping down to the ground. you didn't care that you scraped your knees doing that, the only thing that mattered was the overwhelming feeling of grief engulfing your whole being. tears streamed down your face as you looked at the debris on the ground, the remainder of what used to be standing in front of you; a building. blown up, now in ruins.

clint, bucky and steve watched you break down in front of them, their hearts breaking at the sight in front of them as well as the fact that their teammate had been caught up in the middle of the explosion.

"y/n/n? come on, tony's team called for back up. we gotta go," steve tried to get you to stand up, failing when you kept your ground. you screamed when he tried again and their hearts clenched at the heartbreaking sound.

"we can't just leave her! please, we have to find her," you cried, clinging onto steve's body as he ran his hand up and down your suit-cladded back to soothe you. "y/n/n, we can't. the whole place is in ruins now," he didn't want to say it but he had to. he had to in order to get you to leave. "she's gone."

"she can't be gone! she can't just leave us! we need her! i need her, stevie.." you cried into his chest and he had to control himself so he didn't cry right then and there too.

he looked up to see bucky looking at the two of you guiltily, tapping his wrist to indicate that they were running out of time. steve had no choice but to carry you in his arms, getting you to leave the site against your will. but you were too weak to fight back now. "what am i gonna do without her now, stevie?" you asked quietly.

"we're gonna be okay, y/n/n," he tells you, sitting you down on a chair and settling down next to you as clint flew the jet to your next location. the atmosphere was tense and you could tell everyone, too, was sad about this.

"what if we're not? what if we're not gonna be okay, stevie? i know i won't be." you wiped the tears streaming down your face despite the fact that your face still wasn't drying up any time soon.

"because nat wouldn't want to see us like this. she'll be angry if she sees that we're risking people's lives just because of her." he says truthfully.

"we're landing, guys." clint announces and the team prepared for another round of fighting. steve turns to you, wiping the tears on your face as he made you look up at him. "now let's save some people and make nat proud, yeah?"

you nod at him sadly, preparing your weapons. all of you got out the jet and the second battle of the day begun. boy, were these people unlucky because they were on the receiving end of your fury.

you were busy taking down a group of guards alone when you heard a familiar voice. "y/n, behind you!" and you turned just in time to take down a guard who was aiming at you.

you didn't even have time to register your shock of seeing the redhead because more guards came at you two. you guys fought alongside each other until all the men were taken down.

"nat?" you breathed out. "yes, bub?" she answers as you both carefully walked over the knocked out men. she was taken aback when you slammed into her, hugging her the tightest you ever did since you met her.

"please don't ever do that again." you mumbled into her chest. she was about to ask you what you meant when she heard you sniffling. figuring out it wasn't the appropriate moment to ask, she continued to just hug and comfort you in silence.

"wait, that was why she cried that day? because she thought i was in that building when it blew up?" nat asks after steve finished the story. "i never found out why because she never told me."

"yeah, you should've seen her when the building exploded. completely shattered my heart, dude." clint states, remembering the broken down state you were in that day.

"wait, did you guys not grief over my supposed death then?" nat glares at clint, bucky and steve. "in our defense, they were about to blow up about a hundred people, we didn't have much time to process the whole situation." clint tries to convince his best friend, only to receive a glare again from her.

"alright but just because she cried when she thought i was dead, doesn't mean she sees me as her mum. i'd cry too if any one of you guys died," she states, still in denial.

she did love you like how a mother would love her child. but she didn't want you to feel that she was forcing the title onto you. after all, you had so many other adults around you, who's to say that you saw someone else as a parent figure instead of her? she didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

"woman, are you serious?" sam exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. "need i remind you that the girl sacrificed her life for you?"

ii.

"nat, watch out!" you stood right behind her where the man was about to attack her. you gave him a harsh kick to the head and that was all it took for the man to go unconscious.

the redhead turned around, not having enough time to comprehend what had happened before you dropped into her arms. you two were lucky the last of the men had already been taken out.

"bub? what's wrong?"

at this point, you were fully leaning against her. she was holding up your whole weight, hands wrapped around your middle to support you. that was when she felt it. the familiar thick substance on her fingers, leaking from the back of your suit.

her eyes widened, pulling one hand away from you to look at it. red. her breathing picked up as one of her hands felt around your back, finally feeling the handle of a knife sticking out from your back.

your eyes were already drooping by now and she lightly shook you awake, careful to not hurt you. she lowered you down and you were both sat on the floor now.

she presses a finger to her ear and you could hear her voice echo in your ear from your own comms. "can someone come please," she paused, exhaling shakily. "y/n's down."

if it had been any other person, she probably would be bringing them to the jet by now but it was you. she didn't know what came over her but when she saw that you were injured, it was like her whole body shut down. her knees felt weak and she couldn't bring herself to move.

"hey, hey, keep your eyes open. can you do that?" she asked gently and you nodded weakly. "bub, why did you do that?" she cried softly, moving your hair away from your face as you leaned sideways against her. the action caused your face to be smudged by your own blood from her hands but she didn't care as she caressed your cheek.

"he–he was gonna hurt you. i–i couldn't..." you paused a while, the pain getting too much for you to bear. "y/n, don't strain yourself. you need to stay awake," she tells you as tears streamed down her face.

"rather me than you," you whispered. nat's eyes widened at this. "don't say that, bub." she scolds gently.

you smiled weakly at her. "i've grown too dependent on you, nat. it's to the point that i," you coughed and nat worried that you were straining yourself but you continued. "that i'd rather die than live without you. you probably can go on with life without me but i can't without you. i need you, nat." your eyes closed and nat panics, shaking your body.

"y/n?! bub?! stay awake, please, they're coming!" nat cries out loud, holding onto your limp body.

"did we not agree to not mention that to me anymore?" nat glares at sam for bringing that up.

the night of that incident had been one of the worst nights for nat. she sat by your bed all night after you had been treated. she had been the first one you saw after you woke up. she had been the one you broke down in front of after you admitted the full reasoning behind your actions. she had been the one who opened her arms for you to make yourself at home in.

"i'm sorry but you must be blind if you can't see how really she sees you for the past years," bucky states. nat turns to him with a glare. "you don't know what you're talking about."

"oh really? who does she call whenever she has a really bad nightmare?" bucky questions rhetorically with his eyebrows raised.

iii.

"no, please, don't!" you begged, asleep and thrashing around in your bed. quiet whimpers turned into heavy breathing as you plead for your life in your nightmare. "please," you whispered, inhaling and exhaling harshly.

FRIDAY, noticing the amount of distress you were in, alerted the closest person to your room, that being bucky who was returning from a late night trip to the kitchen for some water.

he quickly went into your room, only to see you shivering and thrashing around in your bed. "doll?" he approaches slowly, finding you still asleep, though sweating a lot. nightmare, he realised.

"doll? wake up," he gently shakes you and you immediately jolt awake, breathing heavily as you register what was going on. "it's okay, it was just a nightmare," he soothes you, holding you close as one hand rubbed up and down your back while the other held your head to his chest.

none of that helped as you were still in the same state as you were when you woke up. "are you okay?" he asks, worried. "nat... i need nat.. please i need her," you whimpered, shaking in his hold. you were having trouble breathing.

"FRIDAY, get romanoff."

within minutes, nat arrived, looking panicked and disheveled like she had just woken up, which she just did. "what's wrong?" she asks bucky, approaching you two.

"she was having a nightmare and woke up and i think she's having a panic attack. she asked for you," he informs her and immediately moves away when she approaches, so that she could take his place.

"bub? it's me," you look up to meet natasha's pretty green eyes. "you're okay, bub. can you tell me five thing you can see?"

you looked away from her eyes, looking around your room. "i–i see my book on my nightstand, my lamp, my jacket on the chair, my laptop and the painting on the wall." you told her after some difficulties.

"good, that's good. four things you can feel?"

"i feel the socks on my feet, my fluffy blanket, the pillow i'm leaning on and your hands around me."

she smiles softly at you. "three things you can hear?"

"i hear your voice. a–and the faint noise from the ac and i can also hear bucky's breathing." you look up at the man and he smiles sheepishly at you, standing around awkwardly. you gave him a small smile back.

"two things you can smell?"

"i can smell my own shampoo..and my room's air freshener." you told her more calmly now, feeling the panic attack already going away.

"one thing you want to taste?"

"i wanna taste wanda's blueberry pancakes." you pout and the two adults couldn't help but chuckle. "you can have them in the morning. right now you need to sleep so you can have the energy to devour them tomorrow, okay?" you nod at the woman as she tucks you in.

not long after, you fell asleep. she then presses a kiss to your forehead before leaving with a less worried bucky now. and sure enough, the next morning, wanda made you blueberry pancakes.

"okay, so what? we all need someone to help us through panic attacks?" nat rolls her eyes. "did you miss the part where i came in and tried to help but she specifically asked for you? she needed you, nat."

"guys, i... i love her with my whole heart but she has all of us. i don't wanna make her feel like she's restricted to only one of us. you all love her too," nat reasons.

"yes but she doesn't have anyone to call her mum and frankly, i think you'd be perfect for it." wanda encourages the older woman.

"i—" before she could continue, her phone rang loudly and she thanked whoever it was that called her because now she didn't have to make up excuses about her doubt of becoming your official mother.

iv.

she looks down at the caller id, sighing when it was you, meaning the team had more against her now. of course she didn't mind you calling her, you could call her when she'd be asleep after a mission and she'd still pick up with a smile on her face. but it was the fact that the whole team could see how she softened when she realised it was you who called that bothered her. she really didn't want them to let her have hopes that you'd accept her as your mother.

"bub?" she said into the phone and half the team smirked at her while the other half gave her knowing smiles. "aren't you supposed to be on your way to school?"

"yeah but uh are you busy right now? i um, i need you."

nat immediately stands up, worry etched onto her face and the team frowned at this. "what happened? are you okay?"

"you know how i told happy i wanted to walk to school today? yeah, i just remembered why i don't walk to school anymore."

"what do you mean? what happened? are you hurt? did someone hurt you?" she bombards you with questions out of worry. at this point, the team had also stopped their chatter and teasing looks, equally worried for your well-being.

"yeah, i am. wait, maybe not. i mean, i was just being dramatic but uh, i tripped on who-knows-what and now i have a sprained ankle. i can't walk now so i'm standing in an alley right now so i'm not in the way of people. can you come get me?"

nat sighs in relief, thankful that it wasn't anything that she was thinking of. "you are unbelievable, y/n." she chuckles in disbelief at your clumsiness. "can you tell me where you are? i'll come get you now. i'll have the school know you're not coming today." you told her your location and she immediately leaves after telling the team what happened to you.

you were expecting nat to call again, to tell you she was around the corner but instead you heard a whoosh of air beside your head, followed by a crack sound. your head followed the sound, eyes widening when you saw that a dart had struck the wall beside your head. you looked ahead, trying to see where that came from.

if it hadn't been for your fast reflexes being an avenger for the past few years, you probably wouldn't have ducked in time when another dart came flying right for your head. "what the hell?" you grunted, staying low but still looking around for the source. you squinted when you looked up, the sun blazing but you managed to catch a glimpse of a man on a rooftop nearby. he had blonde hair and was dressed in all black, donning a same coloured mask that covered the bottom half of his face.

"you had one job! how could you miss her twice?!" the blonde hears his colleague hiss in his ear through the earpiece. "i'm sorry! i'm no hawkeye, how was i supposed to get her in one try?!" he scolds back.

"you didn't even get her in two!"

"shut up and just let me work! you're distracting me!"

"hurry because i see the redheaded one nearing the alley. boss'll kill us if he finds out we didn't get her in her vulnerable state."

"i'm trying, i'm trying!" the blonde closes one eye, his sight now locked on your crouched state. he saw you move once you saw him and he cursed under his breath, his weapon following your movements. "she's moving!"

"just take the shot and be done with it! you have to go now!"

and shoot he did. after he shot the dart gun, he immediately fled but it wasn't like you were going to be able to chase him down or anything. a scream left your lips as a dart pierced through your skin, right under your shoulder.

you dropped down to the ground, right in the middle of the alleyway. you cried when you felt the burn in your flesh. you had been stabbed multiple times before with much bigger objects so why did this feel different?

"y/n?! is that you?!" you heard nat's voice yell from a small distance away. "i'm here," you croaked out, feeling your body grow weaker at an alarming rate.

"oh my god, bub, why are you on the ground? it's dirty, c'mon let's get you up. which foot did you sprain?" she places both her hands under your arms, pulling you up on your feet before accidentally dropping you back when you let out a shriek, crying out in pain.

"oh my god, did i hit your ankle? are you okay?" nat assumed that your tear-stained face was because of your sprained ankle but then you wheezed, your eyes drooping the longer she stood there.

your right hand slowly reached across your left shoulder, the butt of the dart sticking out of your skin now in between your shaking fingers. nat's eyes followed your hand movement's, a gasp leaving her lips.

"y/n, what happened?!" she panicked but before she could even get an answer from you, you had already blacked out. her eyes widened, knowing it was the dart because why else would you pass out that quick from a simple penetration in the shoulder. you had dealt with much worse than that and she knew your tolerance level.

she took off your bag, careful to not move the dart. she then placed her hands under your knees and behind your back, easily picking your unconscious body up and rushing back to the tower.

when she arrived, she was met with many confused yet concerned looks from the tower staff, seeing the black widow, rushing in with the youngest avenger unconscious in her arms. they had seen you leave the tower for school about half an hour ago so they knew something must've happened on the way.

"get bruce in the hospital wing. tell him it's urgent." she tells the woman working the front desk, hurrying into the elevator and telling FRIDAY to get her to the floor she so desperately wanted to arrive at quicker. black lines appeared on the left side of your neck, slowly spreading to the right side and she assumed it was from that damned dart in your left shoulder.

"natasha! what's wrong? they said it was an emergency," the doctor spoke in a panicked voice when nat entered, immediately going quiet when he saw you in her arms, neck lined with seemingly black veins.

nat laid you down on the surgery table, frown growing when black lines steadily spread to your arms now. though she was too worried to think, she managed to at least tell bruce what was outwardly wrong with you.

"dart. left shoulder." she blurted, incapable of forming proper sentences now that she had seen more of you. the black lining your skin got her speechless and anxious. bruce got ready with medical gloves, removing the dart from your flesh before analysing the pattern of your skin. it looked familiar.

"FRIDAY, get tony down here. it's urgent."

"bruce, please, what's wrong with her?" she cried, tears now freely streaming down her face. she didn't cry much in front of anyone but when it came to you, you always managed to get her to do just that.

"hey, what's going on? FRIDAY said there was an emergency here, who's hurt?" nat heard tony's panicked voice but she didn't make an effort to reply. her gaze was fixed on only you.

tony's jaw dropped, frowning when he saw you on the bed, upper body covered in black lines. "what the hell happened?!"

tony stepped beside bruce, taking a closer look at your skin. his frown deepened. "wait, it looks like.."

"yeah, looks exactly like when you had palladium instead of vibranium in your arc reactor."

"does that mean—"

"palladium's been running through her veins for about twenty minutes now. FRIDAY, how high is her blood toxicity level?" bruce asks, sampling a drop of your blood from when he took out the dart.

"53% and it is still steadily increasing."

"tony, at the rate it's going, if she's not treated in the next fifteen minutes or so, she'll.." bruce pauses, not wanting to say it out loud.

"no, she just needs lithium dioxide. that's how fury and i cured your palladium poisoning, tony." nat finally speaks.

"SHIELD probably has them but they're all the way in dc. they're not gonna reach here in time," tony states solemnly, reaching over to move your hair out of your face, looking down at you sadly.

but he was immediately pulled aside, nat grabbing his collar and looking him straight in the eyes. "you have your stupid iron suits that can probably travel faster than the speed of sound if you try. you can go down there yourself and get the damn thing. i swear to god, tony, i'm literally going to destroy those stupid suits myself if you don't put them to good use." nat threatens, glaring at the billionaire.

tony's eyes widened, the genius having not thought about nat's idea yet. "yeah, yeah, you're right, i'll go now."

he left immediately and nat approached your bed hesitantly, not wanting to see the black lines making home on the skin on your upper body. "do you think tony'll make it back in time?" she sniffles and bruce's worried frown on his face softened. "of course he will. he won't let anything happen to y/n. we won't let anything happen to y/n." he assured her.

there was nothing they could do now but wait for tony to come back with the lithium dioxide. nat sat beside your bed, hands gingerly grasping one of your own. despite the black staining it, nat held it to her face and her tears rolled past the back of your hand.

bruce decided to give her some privacy, opting to inform the whole team of the situation instead of standing around idly.

nat pulled your hand away from her face, rubbing her thumb over the back of it, crying even more at the sight in front of her. "y/n, please. i've never told you this but i need you." she pauses, breathing in shakily. "i've always needed you and i'll always need you. you can't leave me, please. you said i could go on with life without you but you're so wrong, y/n. you're the reason i'm still here and you're the reason i still want to be here. if you're not here then it's as if i have no reason, no purpose. i need you, y/n. so much more than i'd like to admit. heck, probably much more than you need me. so please, don't leave me. i can't do this without you." nat sobs out, watching the patterns on your skin spreading and growing bolder.

at this point, the whole team had now gathered outside of the room, watching nat cry over you. they wanted so bad to get a closer look at their beloved baby avenger but they respected nat and instead, waited for her to finish talking to you. once she stood up and looked around, bruce knew she was done so he entered, followed by the team.

"status, FRIDAY?" bruce asks, sampling a bit of your blood again. "blood toxicity at 96% now."

the team looked your unconscious body in apprehension, some crying and some worried out of their minds.

"goddamnit! where the hell is stark?!" nat growled. her eyes were now puffy after having spent the last half an hour crying. the team had never seen her lose her cool like this but they figured why.

as if on cue, tony's iron man suit crashed through the windows of the room but he couldn't care less. his main priority was to get to you quickly. in his hand was a silver briefcase that he passed to bruce.

bruce opened the case before wasting no time in plunging the syringe containing lithium dioxide, your supposed cure, into you. immediately, the black patterns on your skin started disappearing. it was slow but noticeable. it started from the tips of your fingers, going up towards your neck.

everyone sighed in relief, and to tony's surprise, nat hugged him tightly. "thank you. you have no idea how much this means to me." she whispers. tony pats her back gently. "hey, i care about her too, okay? of course i'd do this for her. any one of us would."

nat smiles at him when she let him go, turning back to you and almost crying out in joy when your skin had finally turned back to normal. she let the medical assistants set your bed up and handle your sprained ankle before going back to sit by you. the team left her alone with you once again.

it was only about an hour later did you wake up, squinting when bright lights shone down on you. you moved around but you felt hands around your left and you heard a familiar voice.

"and remember when you dragged wanda to pull that prank on me with you and after you did, i grounded you like i was your mum or something?" you hear her chuckle, still not noticing that you've woken up.

"i didn't mind, though. frankly, i don't think i would ever mind if you continued acting like my mother or something," you spoke and she immediately tore her gaze from your hands, looking at you, now wide awake.

"bub!" she hugs you so tightly you didn't think you could breathe. you still returned the hug though, laughing. "i was worried you might still have some palladium in your bloodstream."

"wait, palladium?" you asked her in shock. "yeah, the dart that got you in that alley, it contained palladium. it's highly toxic so we used lithium dioxide to counter it. speaking of the dart, i'm going to find out who did this to you and they're never going to see the light of day for putting us through all of this." nat says, disturbingly calm.

"yeah...you do that," you tell her, slightly scared. "but palladium? in my blood? how cool is that? i had literal metal in my blood! i could've become like tony but like...palladium woman or something." you said excitedly.

"you do know we already have metal in our blood, right bub?" nat questions in amusement. "oh." you say dumbly. "and palladium don't belong in our body and you literally almost died because of it." your mouth opened but no words came out.

"speaking of, can you please not do that again? i really thought i was gonna lose you." she whispers, stroking your hair. "oh yeah, of course. i'll just announce to the whole world to not target the youngest avenger," you joke, smile dropping when nat gave you a stern look.

"nat, being part of the avengers at my age undoubtedly means i'll be a target for the bad people out there, but i don't care because while i get to kick ass, i know all of you have my back when it's my ass that's kicked. and i think that's the best part of being an avenger; the sense of security i get having you amazing people as my teammates." you tell her honestly and she smiles softly.

"oh come here you," she pulls you in for another hug but this time it's better because you could still breathe. you make yourself comfortable, snuggling into her.

"did you mean it?" she asked and you look up at her in confusion. "mean what?"

"when you said you wouldn't mind me acting like your mother."

"of course i do, you're like the mother i never had. i wouldn't even mind you being my actual mother." you say without a second thought, eyes widening when you realised what you had said. you swore under your breath, knowing you've just made it awkward between you two.

"i– really?" despite the teams efforts to make her see the truth, it was much more meaningful when she heard you say it yourself. "y–yeah.." you admit sheepishly.

"then you wouldn't mind if i actually adopted you?" she asks carefully, gauging your reaction. your jaw dropped, eyes going wide once again. "are you serious?!"

"yeah." she smiles at you fondly. "no! of course i won't mind!" you hug her tightly, tears forming in your eyes. you had gone all your life without parents so this was a huge thing for you. not only were you going to finally have a mother, but the most amazing woman you knew was going to be your mother.

"mum?" you tested the title, smiling when she acknowledged it. you were now crying in joy.

"hey, don't cry." she soothes you, running a hand up and down your back. "no, no, i'm just so happy. this is the best day of my life." you tell her. "me too, bub."

you stayed in her arms until you fell back asleep, nat tucking you in before going back to sit down on the chair. she looked down at you fondly.

sure, she was scared of the big step she was about to take with you but she had you with her and she knew that was enough. "i love you, y/n." she whispers, planting a kiss on the side of your head.

taglist <3

@amourtentiaa @rqmanoff @abitofeverythinggg @andreasworlsboring101 @cay-writes-fan-fiction514 @teenwonder @sevenmorningstars @fleurlovesbucky

[yesttoheaven]

AMOR FATI

pairing – neil x female!reader

wc – 3.8k

warnings – mention of death, self-blame, anxious/intrusive thoughts, questioning reality, refusal of help, guns, stalking, but I swear there's a light at the end of the tunnel haha

a/n – The last time I suffered so hard for the death of a character, was when Newt died (Maze Runner) and now Neil has captured all my attention and his death has hit me in the same way 😩 I needed a happy ending so I decided to write this!

The Eternal Return and Amor Fati mentioned in this fic are one of the main ideas of Nietzsche's philosophy.

English is not my first language. I am getting help from google translator and he is not always a good ally, so I apologize for any typos or grammar errors.

Y/N – your name

She approached the painting hanging on the wall, watching the details closely. Ouroboros. A serpent eating its own tail. Months ago, when Y/N was visiting an antique store in Mumbai, she saw that same symbol. The owner of the establishment approached when she realized her interest in the piece and explained that Ouroboros represents the ideas of movement, continuity and, in consequence, Eternal Return. A concept that the universe and all existence and energy has been recurring, and will continue to recur, in a self-similar form an infinite number of times across infinite time or space.

"Max finally fell asleep." Kat returned to the living room, attracting Y/N's attention.

She walked away from the painting, taking back her seat on the sofa and asked:

"How is he after everything that happened?"

For a moment, Kat looked at the painting on the wall and then at the friend she won in the midst of confusion over the Algorithm. At that time, despite being fighting on the front lines to prevent a possible Third World War, Y/N seems complete. Happy. Today that happiness no longer exists in her eyes.

Letting out a sigh, the woman sat next to her, answering:

"Sator was never a present father. He was always busy... now i can see the kind of work he was involved in. Anyway, Max just got used to his absence."

"It's notable that he's happier at your side. When we first met Max was a bit of an introvert, but today he is radiant." Y/N confessed, showing a small smile and the blonde shook her head, agreeing with her words. "How's everything?"

"Perfectly well. It's weird sometimes... After years of being stuck in a failed relationship, freedom is good."

"It seems like life is good for one of us." The woman let out a bitter laugh, putting the latest events on a scale, but she didn’t want her friend to think she wasn’t happy for her. She really was. "I'm sorry, I just..." The words remain stuck in her throat, while she covers her face with her hands. In addition to physical and mental fatigue, Y/N tried to hide her grief.

Kat touched her shoulder, showing that she was here.

"I know you're hurt, but it's been three months and you never talked about what happened that day... This is not good for you."

"What do I have to say, Kat? The guy I fell in love with was a fucking time traveler! And now he's dead and I don't know what to do. My life just... stopped without him."

"I can imagine how difficult it's for you to cross that line without Neil at your side, but giving up is not an option. Grief is consuming you little by little and you are just accepting it..."

"We are trained to contain our emotions and deal with death in the best possible way. It used to be easy for me, but then he came and turned my life upside down." Y/N put her hands on her knees and stood up, walking without an exact destination. "Neil was always one step ahead of us all..." She stepped forward too and found the painting again, but her mind was lost in thoughts about him. Neil knew her so well. And he had a charming smile, but completely arrogant at the same time. "I was sent to Mumbai to help two agents and when I arrived at Priya's penthouse that night, there he was. When he saw me, that was the first and only time that he let his guard down. I'll never forget how he looked at me, it was one of those breathtaking moments... Completely cliché, I know."

On the sofa, Kat was impressed. When Y/N turned towards her, there was a bright smile on her face. The simple memory brought her a breath of happiness and Kat enjoyed seeing her friend like that, but unfortunately that moment did not last long. Memories aren't enough. Neil is dead and nothing can change that.

"I miss him so much, Kat." The smile disappeared as soon as tears appeared in her eyes, cascading down her cheeks.

"My dear..." Worried about her, the woman got up quickly and approached Y/N, wrapping her in a tight hug. "I'm really sorry."

"I spent the last three months locked up in my a-apartment because I thought I could handle this situation on my own. At times I b-believed it was just a fever dream... Maybe I was losing my mind, but this is proof that everything was real." Through tears blurring her vision, she looked at the watch on her wrist, remembering that night.

Y/N was in a private cabin on the ship. The others were with Ives and Wheeler, going over the mission in search of any loose ends. A standard procedure. Y/N knew she should be with them, but she needed a moment alone to organize her thoughts. And that moment is now. The past few weeks had been a real mess. The inversion was difficult to explain and mainly to understand. She was used to field missions, but being an inverted soldier on the battlefield was not in her plans. Either way, she agreed to be a part of it and running away with biased assumptions was not going to help. Humanity depends on them.

Three knocking on the door caught Y/N's attention, but she remained silent, waiting for the person to give up and leave, but when it didn't, she just murmured 'Come in'.

"So, here you are." The man used a surprised tone of voice and closed the door behind him. "What will our superior think when he learns that you are running away from the briefing?"

She let out a laugh before answering in the same mood:

"Don't worry, I know this mission like the back of my hand. I just needed a moment."

"There's something wrong? Are you ok?" Neil spilled the questions quickly, visibly concerned for her.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Neil." Y/N smiled at him, but looked away just seconds later, confessing: "Maybe I'm a little surprised by the situation. I have spent years dealing with terrorists, but the inversion is really not my point."

"I'm not good with advice, but someone once said to me: Don't try to understand. Certain things in the world do not need an explanation."

"It's wise advice, but I'm a methodical person. Logic has always been my ally in missions."

"A methodical person, huh?" He asked with an arrogant smile playing on his lips and she just rolled her eyes. "I know how worried you were when Sator shot Kat, but we are using the inversion to save the world and you're one of the most brilliant agents I have ever seen. Everything will be fine."

"Are you praising me?"

"What's that? Can't I praise my partner's talent?" Neil pulled up a chair to sit across from her, crossing his arms.

"In that case, thank you. Remind me to put this on my resume." Those words made him laugh and that sound could easily be compared to music in her ears.

Touching her knee, Neil added:

"We are very confident with the mission. You don't need to worry."

"Are you sure?"

"I cannot say that unforeseen events do not happen, but we are prepared for that." Y/N knew he was right, but this mission is the biggest one so far. It's not about saving a country. It's about saving the entire world. This was arousing insecurities in her and it was like walking in a minefield. Ironically, she was familiar with this, but not in such catastrophic proportions. "I want you to have this." The man took his watch off his wrist and handed it to her.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" The question came out as a whisper from between her lips.

It didn't make sense. Why does everything in this conversation look like a farewell?

"We will be on opposite sides tomorrow, but i want you to know... I will always be with you, Y/N."

"I saw the way he looked at you... That's how I used to look at Sator before he became a monster in my life." Kat started, running a hand through Y/N's hair. "When I was lying on that stretcher and partially drugged with the medicines, I saw him beside you... watching you sleep. There was so much love in his eyes. Love for a lifetime, Y/N. So don't do this to yourself. The way he left hurt us all, but there was nothing you or any other agent could do to change what happened at Stalask-12. Neil saved the world. This gave us a second chance. You cannot give up now. This organization needs you. And keeping your mind busy at that moment is the first step towards a fresh start."

"N-No, I can't..." She broke the hug, shaking her head in denial. "I left the organization."

"What? Don't you work for Tenet anymore? But when we first met you told me that you can't imagine working in another area... And that this is your life's work."

"Being an agent is my life's work. I was in Yemen when Tenet found me and assigned me to this mission. My only job is to make this world a less hostile place, but the motto of this organization is not what I believe, Kat. What's happened's happened. Really? It doesn't work for me." Y/N ended the sentence with drops of anger in her voice and Kat did not say a single word.

Through the newspapers, Max's mother followed what was happening in Yemen over the years – a real endless war – and knowing that Y/N was in the middle of it, makes the situation unquestionable. People died in front of her eyes. Friends of the corporation. And then some time later, Tenet arrived with a fresh start, but in the end everything remained the same. She lost Neil. It is as if her life's work never had a happy ending because the world will never stop being a hostile place.

"He knows?" It was easy for Y/N to identify who she was talking about. The Protagonist. Or just TP.

"Here's another problem. I worked with him and indirectly worked for him at the same time! God, that man created this organization! And his name remains a mystery to us all!" She pinched the tip of her nose, feeling frustrated with all the secrets that haunt this organization. "And answering your question, yes, he knows, but he did not argue about it. I was a complete mess and he was not doing very well either... He stayed in my apartment for the first month, probably to make sure I didn't do anything stupid." And Y/N would be forever grateful for that. She likes him. Just as friends, of course. TP was a reserved man, but it was he who held her when everything was falling apart. "But we've had a fight. I blamed him for what happened at Stalask-12 and since then we haven't spoken anymore."

It was easy to see that they carried more pain than they could actually bear. Y/N lost her great love and the man lost his best friend. The situation just turned into a conflict between them and that was the result.

Realizing the sadness reflected in Y/N's eyes, Kat decided to change the subject of the conversation. Keeping that thought, she smiled and pointed to the painting on the wall. Maybe that could help.

"You seemed interested in this one."

"Oh yes, in my spare time I am a lover of art and its meanings. It is really attractive the way Ouroboros is connected to the Eternal Return..."

"And Amor Fati too." Kat completed, piquing Y/N's curiosity. This part was new to her. "It's impossible to affirm the Eternal Return without loving life. We need to learn that things happen as they do. Sometimes seemingly good. Sometimes seemingly bad. We don’t always get it our way... Unless we choose that whatever way it is, is our way. When we choose to Amor Fati, to love everything that happens, to love our fate, then we will always get it our way. Because the way it is, is the way it is. Unchangable. And therefore it must be good, even if it sucks."

These words touched Y/N's heart. This was a contradiction to what she is experiencing right now. Love your fate. She would like to understand and accept what happened, she really wanted, but why is it so difficult to move on?

Because Neil is dead.

That was the only explanation for her. The end of a relationship would be more acceptable. If he were alive, things would be completely different now. However, grief is overwhelming. How could she just accept what happened?

"I... I gotta go." That was all she managed to say before picking up her bag and leave the penthouse, ignoring Kat's protests.

When the elevator doors closed, an exhausted sigh left her mouth and the instant she saw her reflection in the mirror, Y/N wanted to cry again. After three months alone, she thought visiting her friend would be a good idea. Kat was willing to help, but the problem was that Y/N is not allowing herself to be helped. As soon as the doors opened, she left the metal box and found the hotel lobby partially empty. Her watch showed it was 3:13 AM, this explains the absence of people on the street as well. In front of her car, she searched the bag for the key and coincidentally her cell phone started to vibrate. Probably the text messages were from Kat, but confusion hit Y/N the instant she looked at the identifier and saw that the messages did not belong to any of her contacts.

Stay away from the car

They put a bomb

I'm on my way

Her first reaction was to take a few steps back and look around, trying to understand what’s going on and find the person responsible for these texts, but Y/N was alone in the dark street. When she thought it might be an unnecessary prank, a black SUV approached at high speed. The car stopped just a few meters away from where she was, but that was enough to make her body freeze.

"Y/N, come on!" The man exclaimed, the urgency in his voice would have made her run immediately, but she didn't move. Her feet had frozen on the floor. This cannot be real. "Come on, get in the car! We don't have much time!" He tried again, it was possible to hear the sound of the other cars approaching.

Y/N watched in slow motion the moment he left the car and ran towards her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"How is this possible?" She asked in a whisper, completely lost in his blue eyes.

"It's good to see you too." Neil admitted, feeling his heart race. She looked so fragile in his arms. Very different from the last time he saw her. "We have to go." He accompanied her to the car and as soon as Y/N took the passenger seat, he returned to his seat.

For her this moment was like a fever dream, so she just looked down and started counting her fingers. One, two, three, four, five... Neil noticed, but said nothing, just kept driving. The cars were fast approaching, but he would do everything possible and impossible to get Y/N away from these people.

"Give me your cell phone." He looked at her for a brief moment, but when Y/N didn’t react, he wasn't sure if she heard it, so he just took the phone from her hand and threw it out the window. That was enough to get her out of the numbness:

"What the fuck, Neil?!"

Despite the adrenaline rushing through his body, the man laughed.

"If I found you because of your cell phone, they can too." After that, he crossed the red light and made a risky turn, trying to end this chase. "Before you ask, no, this is not a dream. Unfortunately this is very real..." Neil didn't like what he saw when he adjusted the rearview mirror. "And now they are getting ready to shoot us."

That observation put Y/N on alert and she looked back, seeing a man with an AKS-74U and another with a Beretta M12.

"If you knew it wasn't a dream, why didn't you bring an armored car?" She ran her tongue between her lips, smiling at the man beside her. Neil tried to argue, but she just took off her seat belt and picked up the Glock 19 stuck in the vest he was wearing.

Y/N crawled out of the car and sat at the window opening. This encouraged the men in the two cars to start shooting, trying desperately to hit her. Neil shouted something that she couldn't understand and then she felt one of his hands on her thigh, giving her stability to continue with the plan. With her arm resting on the roof of the vehicle, Y/N aimed the gun at the car that was closest to them. Her intention was not to start a firefight in the middle of one of the main avenues in the city, but she had no other option. Holding her breath, she fired the first shot and the bullet hit the tire, taking the car out of circulation. Y/N celebrated while preparing for the second car, but dealing with this one was not an easy task. Now they were in a tunnel and, consequently, losing speed because of the other cars that came along the way. Neil left two pats on her leg, indicating that she had better get back in the car and that is what she did. Screams, honks and gunshots echoed through the tunnel, turning the place into a war zone. Whoever these men were, Y/N knew they weren't going to give up.

Tired of playing cat and mouse, she went to the back seat, getting on her knees. Through the broken glass above the trunk, Y/N adjusted the aim of her gun, ignoring the sniper and focusing on the driver. With another accurate shot, the bullet hit the man's chest and he lost control of the vehicle. The car overturned for a while, streaking the asphalt, but no other car was involved in the accident. Y/N sighed in relief and looked for another possible threat, just checking, but when she realized that the area was clean, she returned to the passenger seat, leaving the gun on the dashboard in front of her.

"Next time I'm going to get an armored car." Neil comments, stepping on the gas. "Nice shot, by the way."

"Anytime." Y/N smiled, trying to control her breathing.

With the adrenaline disappearing from her body, it was hard for her to believe that this was really happening. For many nights she cried, wondering what it would be like if Neil just came back to her, but now she was afraid to wake up and realize that it was just another vivid dream.

The sun was rising when they arrived in a shed away from the city. Seen from the outside, the place was a little scary, but the interior wasn't that bad. There was some equipment like trackers, walkie-talkie, bulletproof vests, weapons, ammunition; a table with a mess of papers and on the other side two beds and something that Y/N supposed to be a private bathroom.

"Where we are?"

We. That simple word echoed in her mind. Y/N thought that "we" didn't exist anymore.

"For now in a safe place. It's dangerous for you out there." He answered the question and took a bottle of water, handing it to her after taking a generous sip.

"Who are these people, Neil?" She wanted answers, lots of answers, and that frustrated the british spy because for the first time he didn't know what could happen.

Neil had a mission and that mission ended with him dying in Stalask-12, but after what TP did, everything changed.

"We have a name..." He wanted to say more, he wanted to reassure her, but that was all he had at the moment.

Y/N drank some water and left the bottle on the table, looking at some reports and photos. All photos were of the same man.

Lenard Vaher

"But apparently they don't just want you..."

It took a few seconds and when the realization hit Y/N, concern appeared on her face.

No, not him.

"Where's TP? He's safe, right?"

"He was going to see you when Lenard's men kidnapped him. This happened three weeks ago." And considering the anger in Neil's voice, finding TP was proving an almost impossible task, but in the midst of so much concern, one point attracted Y/N's attention.

"You said he was going to see me..."

"There was something he needed to tell you." Neil sighed, resting his hands on the table. A few strands of blond hair fell over his forehead, but he quickly shook his head back, as he always did. "He returned to Stalask-12, Y/N."

After that statement, the only sound that could be heard was Neil's footsteps closing the distance between them and the first thing she did was put her hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. Neil smiled. And that was not one of his famous smiles. That was a shy smile. His heart was beating like a drum and it was all because of her. Loving Y/N was something so special and pure, that Neil accepted his fate without a second thought. Saving the world, he was giving her a second chance to live, but now he is the one who received a second chance.

"I missed you every day." Before she could begin to consider the meaning behind his words, he settled his mouth upon hers, robbing her of thought.

She closed her eyes and melted against him, flattening her hands on his arms. Neil caught her bottom lip in his teeth, nibbling and licking at it until she thought she might perish from the intensity of the feeling. She whimpered at the sensation, and he rewarded the sound by deepening the kiss, giving her everything she desired. His tongue stroked hers, slow and insistent. A lush, decadent pleasure unfolded within them, snaking through their veins as though it had lain coiled in anticipation for years.

Just waiting for this moment.

––––––––––––––––––––––––

a/n – really hope you enjoy it and thank you soooo much for reading ;)

[marauders70s]

a collection of dumb hp-p&r text memes

dumbledore, gesturing: could a depressed person make this???

mcgonagall: your hand is literally rotting off

---

harry: sometimes I feel like arguing with you is like arguing with the sun.

hermione: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM SUPER CHILL ALL THE TIME.

---

pansy: you look awful

draco: what up bitch i just ran a 5k

pansy: really?

draco: no i threw up blood in the shower

pansy: that fight with potter really got ya down huh

---

harry: hey ron are you okay

ron, wearing the locket, staring straight ahead at a tree: yeah i'm fine it's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired.

harry: hermione it's your turn

---

sirius, at any minor convenience: everything hurts and i'm dying

---

goyle: I once knew a guy for seven years and never learned his name. best friend i ever had. we still never talk sometimes, because he's dead.

---

oliver: sometimes you gotta do a little work so you can ball a lot.

mcgonagall: that is incorrect

---

james, during house arrest: If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

lily, from the couch: oops

---

snape, at a christmas dinner: I can still smell her hair at night

dumbledore, pouring a generous amount of mulled wine: Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.

---

ron: hermione, i'm not using your color coded talking planner

hermione: we need to get good grades on our OWLs!

ron: there's nothing that could motivate me to use it

hermione: well, there's nothing we can't do if we work work hard, never sleep, and shirk from all other responsibilities in our lives.

---

harry: Professor, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.

---

ron: i'm going to tell you all my secrets

hermione: you don't have to do that

ron: I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks

ron: I didn't actually break charlie's wand all the way I just hid it and forgot where

ron: I don't know who scrimgeour is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.

ron: when they have 2 sickles a scoop on salamander eyes i'm not sure where the rest of the salamander goes

ron: when i was a baby fred turned my teddy into a spider and i got so scared my mum took me to a mindhealer and they wrote a textbook about me

ron: i once threw a garden gnome so hard that it hit my sister in the face and began attacking her

hermione, looking up from her book: what did ginny do?

ron: she bit it and it ran off.

hermione: classic

---

severus: no matter what i do nothing bad can happen to me. i'm like a white wizengamot official who pretended they were mind-controlled after the fall of the dark lord

lucius: I resent that

---

sirius: thank merlin my great uncle alphard just died so I am fluuuuusheeeeeed with galleeeeooonsss

remus: I'm going to regret this flatshare

---

seamus: i passed up a gay halloween party to see this troll. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Peverell Brothers make out with three Viktor Krums. It was amazing.

---

luna: We need to remember what's important in life. Friends, unpredictable creatures, and school. Or unpredictable creatures, friends, school. It doesn't matter. But school is third.

---

tom riddle: I totally hear you, but I also don't like what you're saying. So if you say no, I will release a giant snake in the bathroom

---

luna: would you like some -

hermione: no! I am going to run for minister of magic someday, so no, thank you. I mean, not that I haven't - I ate a brownie once at quidditch cup party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any potions in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.

---

sirius: do i look like the kind of person who drinks water

---

neville: flying is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but merlin, at what cost?

ron: okay, you don't have to join the pick up game -

neville: no no i want to be included. i'll come

---

james: What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.

sirius: that's not right

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mcgongall: I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.

peter: this career counseling session is getting a bit intense

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neville: how are you handling the...breakup...

ginny: I’m gonna buy some sweat pants and a Gilderoy Lockhart novel. Might as well lean into it.

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dumbledore, in the staff room, extremely intoxicated: Who hasn’t had gay thoughts?

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james: Goodbye, Lily Evans, my head girl partner. Hello, Lily Potter, my fallopian princess.

lily: i should have never married you. or at least made you wear a condom

james: what's a-

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sprout: I’m a simple lesbian. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and man-killing plants.

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sirius: A couple more rules: if you ever read a sad book, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying. There’s no noise allowed on Mondays. And no magic after breakfast.

peter: er i'm sorry this was the dorm assigned to me...

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remus: Hogwarts Library is headed by the most diabolical, ruthless bureaucrat I’ve ever seen. She's like a death eater but instead of avada kedavra and crucio she uses shame and shhhing.

james: she wouldn't let him into the restricted section without a note

remus, choking back tears: I AM A PREFECT

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pansy: I have never flown the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

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hermione: If I had a stripper’s name, it would be Equality. for house elves and all beings.

ron: if i had a stripper's name it would be sugar striped candy pole for my -

harry: hermione, DON'T -

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sir cadogen: You know, in the 1880’s, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble here at Hogwarts. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Morpheus Rane, a prefect in Slytherin house, and Wilhemena Batlock, a Hufflepuff seventh year. The original title of this painting was ‘A Lively Fisting.’ But y’know, they had to change it for…obvious reasons.

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bellatrix, in the afterlife: i regret nothing. the end.

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harry: I don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.

tofty: I'm sorry but you WILL have to repeat your history of magic OWL

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james: Lucky for me, I’ve processed all my feelings. And I’ve gone through the five stages of grief - Denial, anger, picking on Peter, cat adoption, reckless dueling, cat returning to the adoption place, reading all Martin Miggs books in the series (what i was picking on peter for actually), and not giving a flying fuck.

remus: you can't say fuck

james: oh great i'm going to have to start the process all over again.

remus: peter, you'd better run

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dudley: I’m allergic to magic candy. Every time I eat more than 80 sweeties I barf.

fred: how about...81

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sirius: I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.

remus: this is why we can't date in public

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neville: I’m gonna get drunk and then I’m gonna order a three course meal where each course is made of dessert.

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arthur: I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.

bill: dad maybe you shouldn't give a toast while fleur's family is still here

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gilderoy: I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.

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pansy: Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Parkinson motto.

draco: I thought the Parkinson motto is don't look at me you whore.

pansy: the motto is really more like a chapter book.

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harry: You’re ridiculous and pureblood rights is nothing.

voldemort: wow

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tonks: I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.

sirius: cheers i'll drink to that

remus: put. the bowl. down.

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eh, and just one for the road: “I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.” – Leslie Knope