#you can’t heal without answers ❅ ask box

[charliedawn]

Hi! Could I request a Five hargreeves fluff of any kind, I just watched season 4 of umbrella academy and I wanted a litte Five fluff.☺️

(Here you go ! Hope you’ll like it ! 😁👍)

Five had been cooped up in his office for days—barely eating to survive as he desperately tried to find a way to save the world and his family. His head was overwhelmed and he hadn’t slept in more than 24 hours. He was exhausted, frustrated and angry at himself for not finding some answer or equation to make it all better. He stared at all the papers with all the notes and calculations he had written down. He stared at them and felt the anger bubbling up inside him…until it burst.

He suddenly screamed in rage and threw all the papers on his desk to the floor.

"Why can’t I get it ?! Why can’t I find anything ?!"

He slumped down on his chair and raked his fingers through his hair. He wanted to teleport away—far away. But he knew that no matter how far he went, he couldn’t escape. He sighed and looked up at the ceiling…How could he save the world when he couldn’t even find the answer to a simple equation. No matter how many times he replayed the multiple endings in his history, he couldn’t save the world without…

He closed his eyes and was on the verge of tears.

…without sacrificing one of his siblings.

He would have happily sacrificed himself but then, there would be no way to ensure results. To make sure the end of the world never came. He then thought about Sir Hargreeves. The old man who had decided to put them all in this tricky mess and bail on them. That…coward. He felt more anger and resentment towards the old man. Anger and resentment he wanted to get rid of by punching or killing somebody. He was about to do just that when he saw someone standing in his office.

Y/N.

What were you doing here ?

"Get out, Y/N. Now, is not the time." He tried to dismiss you, but you didn’t move. You simply took a few steps towards him—a box in your hands. He ignored the box and just started glaring at you.

"Didn’t you hear me ?! I said—!"

"I heard you." You replied and Five blinked twice in astonishment. He then sighed and forced himself to smile.

"Fine. What can I do for you, Y/N ?" He asked with a sarcastic grin on his face. You looked at him and could tell that something was wrong and instead of answering, you approached even closer and put the box of cookies on his desk. He frowned and took one before looking back up at you with a skeptical raised eyebrow.

"Really ? Cookies ?"

You smiled and shrugged.

"I needed someone to taste them. Make sure they are good."

Five rolled his eyes.

"Y/N. Your power is to heal people with your cooking. Of course it is good, you literally cannot bake ANYTHING bad."

You kept your smile and shrugged again.

"Who knows ? Maybe you will find the taste different this time ?"

He kept himself from rolling his eyes a second time and just took a bite—knowing that it was the only way for you to scurry off and leave him to his mumbling and brooding.

"See ? Like I said, perf—." He started, but suddenly paused.

He chewed. He paused. He chewed again.

He frowned a little before licking his lips—his brow furrowed in concentration. He took a second bite. A third.

Then, when the cookie was gone, he looked at you. He was obviously puzzled.

"This…wasn’t one of your healing cookies." He finally said.

You grinned and nodded.

"You’re right. I tried a new recipe. You like it ?"

Five stared at you before taking a second.

"It’s…fine. I guess…"

He took a third.

And a fourth.

And a fifth.

And in a matter of minutes, all the cookies were gone.

He stared at the empty box and his heart suddenly felt…lighter. He sighed contentedly and leaned back in his chair—his eyes slowly closing. It felt like the days of baited exhaustion were finally taking their toll on him. You smiled and covered him with a blanket.

You took the empty box…looks like the new recipe was a success.

You smiled to yourself. You were about to leave when you suddenly felt someone grab your arm from behind and before you knew it—the empty box was on the floor and Five had his arms around you.

"…Thank you." He mumbled sleepily.

You were momentarily stunned before smiling and turning around to hug Five back.

"No problem."

You then stayed in each other’s arms until you both fell asleep. You didn’t need words to calm down Five, you had only ever been kind and patient with him. You took care of each other and that was perhaps the reason he trusted you so much. Because he knew that whatever happened, you would be there to hold him and reassure him that everything would be alright.

[tiredfox64]

You're Odio sorry on Kuai Liang x reader gave me feels bc I know the feeling of watching someone you have feelings for love someone else, leaving you to wonder what you could've done better to receive their love.

You should do a part 2 where reader finally finds love again and moves on with someone else (Smoke, Syzoth, Kenshi, etc.) which awakens something in Kuai Liang that made him realize that he also loves you but now he must live with his choices?

Recházame

Prior notes: WOAH! Did not expect someone to request something! I’m glad you enjoyed it (I think I hope i didn’t awaken something painful)! Sorry I am posting this late I had classes before and they all have a no technology policy :P so I could not sneak in more work. But I hope this is what you wanted I’m sorry if it isn’t I tried!

Pairing: Tomas x Gn Reader, Kuai Liang

Warnings ‼️: More Angst I fear.

Heartbreak can feel like an eternity. Watching someone you loved for so long be wedded to another. You’re left wondering what you could have done differently. And right now you were sulking in your quarters again with the same thing playing over and over in your head. Seeing Kuai Liang holding and kissing Harumi on their wedding day.

Your sulking was interrupted when you heard a knock on the door. What now?

“Who is it?” You answered back in a strained voice.

“It’s me, grandmaster. You have a visitor. It’s…Tomas.” Your second-in-command answered back.

Your heart stopped beating for a second. Why would Tomas be coming over?

“Bring him in.” You said before wiping your tears away.

They opened the door to let Tomas in. He walked in with a soft expression, as if not to scare you away from talking to him. He had a little box with him. A gift for you. If Kuai Liang couldn’t get close to you maybe Tomas could.

“Hello…grandmaster.” He struggled to call you that. You were his friend but he found it best to stay professional right now.

“Please, Tomas, we are friends. No need for such things.”

Tomas nodded before bringing his attention back to the gift in his hand.

“Oh, I have a gift for you. It’s from Kuai Liang. He said it was-“ He was quickly cut off when you swiped the gift out of his hands, knocking it to the ground.

You really surprised Tomas with that. Immediately you got frustrated with yourself. You cursed yourself for being aggressive with him as he wasn’t the one you hated. He’s innocent in all this and you can’t take it out on him. You took his hand into yours to apologize.

“I-I���m so sorry, Tomas. I don’t know what has gotten into me. Please…forgive me.” You started to silently weep.

Tomas just looked at you with confusion but realized you were in pain. He couldn’t tell where exactly but you were suffering. He pulled you in close and hugged you tight. His hands ran through your hair and he squeezed you with his big, strong arms. The floodgates opened and you started to cry hard. Tomas never pulled back but instead comforted you. And it stayed like that for a while. The rest of the night actually. He made you lie back down in your bed and comforted you to sleep. You cried yourself to sleep in his arms. That was the most peaceful rest you had gotten in a long while. And that’s when the healing process started.

══💤══╡°˖✧🦊✧˖°╞══💤══

Every week whenever Tomas could he would visit you and your clan. Every time he would ask how you were doing and each time you slowly got better. It was awkward at first because you felt bad for falling asleep in his arms. He didn’t mind at all, it was nice for him as well.

You managed to confess to Tomas that you had feelings for Kuai Liang for the longest time and seeing him with Harumi broke you. Tomas never judged. He understood how love can hurt someone. Make their heart that once held love be corrupted with hate. Without knowing it he was helping to fix your once loving heart.

You two would talk from day to night, night to day. You let your feelings out which was what you should have been doing in the first place. You were just scared to be vulnerable in front of your clan as they needed a strong leader. But Tomas was there to listen to you and never judge what you had to say. All the negative emotions left your body and soon your body was filled with love again. Love not for Kuai Liang but for Tomas. And his heart filled up with love for you.

Your clan was more welcoming to him than they were with Kuai Liang. He made their grandmaster whole again. You smiled more. You laughed more. You even apologized to your clan for being negative which they quickly forgave you. They just want you to be happy now.

It was awkward at first because you both didn’t know how to confess it to each other. You guys ain’t experts in this. But you had to be the brave one and say something. On a night where you two were in your room alone you spoke up.

“Listen, Tomas, I want to thank you again for helping me out. I was in a really bad place and I thought I’d never get out of it.” You said.

“Of course! How could I leave someone as special as you to suffer? I would hate for someone like you to stop being so sweet, precious, dare I say even lovable.” He chuckled softly before placing his hand on top of yours.

Well if that ain’t flirting you don’t know what Tomas was doing. What you do know is that it made your heart flutter and your cheeks burn once again. The hate is gone. There is love once more in you.

You struggled to get the words out. There was no right or wrong way to say how you felt. Words can’t express it but actions could. That’s why you practically threw yourself at Tomas. He was surprised by what you did but before he could ask what was wrong, he felt your lips against his. It was clear as the night sky what this was about. Tomas wanted the same thing so he kissed you back. There was passion and love between you that it felt like he was actually meant for you. It was never Kuai Liang. It was Tomas. Your heart belongs to him now. How sweet of an ending.

Except it isn’t. You may have forgotten Kuai Liang but he never forgot you.

══💤══╡°˖✧🦊✧˖°╞══💤══

Kuai Liang already suspected something was wrong. Tomas was keeping secrets. Even when Kuai Liang sent Tomas over to talk to you he acted like nothing happened when that wasn’t the truth. There were nights where Tomas wasn’t in his bed and would show back up in the morning as if it was all normal. It only got worse after the night you and Tomas kissed. Kuai Liang had no clue where he was going.

The answer hit him like a bullet one night.

Kuai Liang was making sure the Shirai Ryu grounds were safe. He was lost in thought before looking up to the full moon. His eyes widened when he saw something unusual. A silhouette that looked like you. No, not a silhouette, it was you! You were there talking to Tomas.

Kuai Liang was about to call out to you. Say how happy he was to see his best friend again. How he has been fighting to see you again after his wedding. Wonder why you ever turned nasty. But he stopped once he saw something he would never imagine would happen.

He watched as you embraced Tomas and kissed him in the moonlight. Tomas’ hands wrapped around your waist and pulled you close. This couldn’t be right. His brother and his best friend…why is he feeling this way.

Kuai Liang never felt something so painful in his heart. Not even when Bi-Han admitted that he let their father die was this pain in his heart so great. It was a mixture of anger, sadness, and even disgust. Seeing his own brother hide the fact that he was seeing you all this time. How his lips were on yours and his arms were wrapped around you. This had to be some sort of joke. What a sick joke if it was one.

He couldn’t speak. He just stared at you and Tomas making out in front of him. He felt such strange urges. To take you away from his brother right this instant. To push his brother away from you. To yell at you about what you were doing. He didn’t even realize he was grinding his teeth. He just had to walk away at this point.

Even when Kuai Liang went back to the Shirai Ryu temple there was this negative energy going around. A man who never raged like a forest fire was randomly bursting into flames. Patches of fire danced across his skin as he made his way back to his bedroom. Even Harumi was unsure what was happening to her husband. He wasn’t saying a word.

The other clansmen notified Tomas of what was going on with his brother. Even the young Hanzo was confused by the grandmaster’s rage. He went to Kuai Liang’s room which Harumi let him in, leaving the two men to themselves.

“What’s the matter? Why are you bursting into flames.” He asked with concern.

“When were you going to tell me you two were seeing each other? Do you find it right to hide such secrets from your brother.” Kuai Liang questioned with such a cold tone that it contrasted with his fiery outbursts.

Tomas froze up. That’s why he is reacting like that? He knew it was wrong to hide what was going on but he was simply protecting you. You were the one who was hurting the most to the point you changed in a negative way.

“I would have told you when they were ready.” Tomas responded.

“I sent you over to speak to them. I sent a gift. What ever happened to the gift, huh?!”

“They didn’t want it! That doesn’t mean they hate you. I’ve been helping them-“

“Kissing is helping? The man I trusted the most goes around kissing someone I love as if you truly love them.” Kuai Liang didn’t even realize what he said, but Tomas did. That’s why he grabbed his brother by the arms.

“I do love them! And your love belongs to your wife, remember?” Tomas responded which made Kuai Liang’s blood run cold.

That’s right. His wife Harumi. The one he ran to in a time of need as if she were the only option. Never even thinking of you as an option. And now he wants to see you as an option? When someone else has your heart and healed it?

Tomas let go of his arms before walking out of the room. That whole confrontation only fanned the fires and Kuai Liang is left to his own mind. A mind that festered with the thought of what you and Tomas were doing all this time.

Did he kiss you all the time? Does he hold you close? Was he with you on those nights when Kuai Liang couldn’t find them. Where had his lips been? Was Tomas your first in bed!? Oh heavens! He couldn’t stand the thought of that being true.

Tomas could never treat you right. He could never kiss you in such a way that would make you giggle or blush instantly. He could never make you smile just by picking you up and twirling you around. His hands could never make you feel wonderful things in the dead of night before caressing you to sleep. Kuai Liang felt like the only person who could ever do that was…him.

What was wrong with him? He’s married now. You’re in a relationship. This is just wrong. It’s all gone wrong.

He loves Harumi, he would never think about being unfaithful. But it was only now that he realized he loves another. It was you.

Kuai Liang could never rip you away from Tomas. He’s seen that there is chemistry between you and him. It would be wrong of you to be unfaithful as well. So what can be done? Well, you must reject each other. You can’t accept each other’s love. Especially now when your love for him may be gone already. It hurts but he must accept the pain. If he carried on with it he will end up suffering, and in a way so will you.

You love another, no more hatred. Kuai Liang will have to live with his decision. He wasn’t wrong or right. Neither were you. It’s just how love works.

After notes: Once again sorry if this ain’t what you wanted, I did my best. I’m not the best at angst for this was my first go. I didn’t even have a part two in mind but my brain went into overdrive when I saw the idea. Anyways thanks for the request! Adiós!

[princessconsuela120]

☾ Padfoot vs Prongs ☾

— ☾

Summary: A pregnancy in 7th year isn't exactly ideal...neither is your best friend and brothers annoying antics.

Warnings: pregnancy, fluff

Author's Note: just a shorty drabble i had sitting in my drafts. ill be posting requests soon!

— ☾

“Whisky!” James shouted, barreling into the room with Sirius a close foot behind. You rolled your eyes at the nickname, looking up from the book that had been occupying you for the past half hour. Ever since the boys had discovered your animagus was a cat, your brother James had deemed you the nickname Whiskers. Ironic that Fire Whisky had also been your favorite and dearly missed drink since the start of your pregnancy.

“Can I help you bozos?” You asked, raising an eyebrow at the two boys who had wide smiles adorning their faces.

“Who has better hair, me or Padfoot.” James asked, causing you to roll your eyes.

“I’m not doing this you guys.” You replied quickly, shifting in your spot as the boys appeared from behind the couch.

“Come on just tell us.” James asked, stomping his foot slightly like a child.

“I said I’m not doing this, where’s Moony he needs to help me up.” You grumbled, still trying to get up from your spot and failing.

“He’s out.” Sirius said, a smirk on his face as you groaned, rolling your eyes.

“And you can’t get up and walk away without our help so, answer the question.” James teased, making you groan even louder, throwing your head back with frustration.

“I hate you both.” You hissed, making James hold his Chet with fake hurt as Sirius smirked.

“We love you too. But that wasn’t the question.” Sirius said, causing you to hold your hands out with anger,

“Please just help me up.” You mumbled, struggling to stand with your large bump in the way.

“No.” 

“Oh come on.” You whined, flailing around slightly with frustration.

“Not until you answer us.”

“I am not answering you, this is ridiculous!” You shouted, letting your head fall back angrily, as the door gently swung open, catching everyone’s attention. Your face couldn’t help but light up with a smile when your boyfriend, Remus, appeared at the doorway, his hands full of bags from Hogsmead.

“Okay, I’ve brought you the new chocolates from Hogsmeade. Not only are they delicious but Honeydukes swears by it’s healing power.” He explained, walking over to hand you a box.

“Remus, thank god, come help me up.” You said eagerly, before Remus shook his head.

“Nope.” He said quickly, sitting beside you. You stared at him for a moment in shock.

“What?” “Ha!”

You and the boys yelled in unison, causing Remus to sigh.

“Sorry love, but you’re on bed rest. Can’t risk hurting you or our little moon.” Remus explained, rubbing your bump gently with a kind smile on his face. You couldn’t even be mad at the sweetness of it.

“This is a travesty.” You sighed, burying your face in his shoulder.

“Perfect, now you can’t move, and you need to answer our question.” Sirius teased, causing Remus to perk up slightly with interest.

“What’s the question?” He asked, making James smile proudly.

“Which one of us has the better hair, me or Padfoot?” He asked.

Remus turned to face you, a nervous look on his face as you raised an eyebrow at him.

“Alright come on, to the common room we go.” Remus said, helping you get up as you cheered to yourself.

“Hey!”

“She just didn’t wanna hurt your feelings cause you’re her best friend.” James said angrily, shaking his head as Sirius shoved him.

“You’re her brother! She’d wanna protect your feelings more!” He argued, before you appeared quickly in the doorway.

“For the record, the answer was Padfoot.” You said quickly, before gesturing to Remus to hurry up and help you out the room.

“Hey!” James shouted, about to come run after you before he noticed you had taken his invisibility cloak from his desk.

“Yes!” Sirius cheered, looking at himself in your mirror proudly, shaping his face, and his ego.

[camille-lachenille]

After the war of the last alliance and Gil-Galad’s death, Elrond is in a pretty bad mental state. The healer in him recognises deep depression and ptsd but he shoves everything in a box locked deep within his heart, the box where he keeps memories of his brother and parents, and plows on as he builds Rivendell.

He is happy when Celebrían returns his affection and accepts his courtship, he really is happy, or at least he convinces himself that he is, that everything is fine and will get better with time.

Some time right before their wedding, Celebrían starts to worry that Elrond doesn’t love her anymore, bc he avoids her and acts strangely. She manages to sit him down and really talk about how he is feeling. Elrond rushes to reassure her he is still madly in love and wants nothing more than wed her but then, at Celebrían’s insistence, he confesses how scared he is. He is scared to taint her with his darkness and that she desserves better than him and that he must be wrong in his head if he can’t be fully happy with her. He cries a lot, like he has’t in centuries, and Celebrían holds him through it. And then, when he is coherent again, she asks him if he loves her.

“More than anything, I would die for you!” comes the rushed but deeply sincere answer.

And Celebrían looks at Elrond in the eyes, more seriously than she ever has, her hands resting on his shoulders and she tells him “You say you’d die for me. But would you live for me, if I ask you so? ”

Elrond can only nod as he starts crying again, because he will do anything for Celebrían, even tasks that seem impossible. And so, he starts to live again. It is painful, gruesome work but he sees it to the end for the love of his life, if not himself at first.

And for a time Elrond is well and truly happy. He and Celebrían get married at long last, and have first two beautiful sons and then a wonderful daughter, and the sadness seems banished far away.

Until Celebrían nearly dies at the hands of orcs.

Elrond isn’t a husband then but a healer, locking his feelings behind the professional mask again until he is sure Celebrían will live. And then, behind the locked door of their -his- room, he lets the tears come. He cries until he has nothing left and then some more. He failed to save his wife, because even he cannot mend a broken soul.

Elrond and his children see Celebrían to the ship that will bring her to Valinor and, hopefully, healing. There are tears and embraces and, before parting, Elrond presses a kiss to Celebrían’s forehead and whispers to her “Promise me you will live, for me, just as I promised I would live for you all those years ago. And I promise I will live for you forever.”

And Celebrían smiles weakly and nods. She knows what it looks like, to cling stubbornly to life and happiness. “I will live, I promise,” she whispers back.

And live she does, until she can be reunited with Elrond.

The Celebrían who greet Elrond in Valinor is happy and full if life but, in her eyes, he can see his grief mirrored. She healed, ans he knows he too will heal in time, but he is also deeply grateful they can share this grief until the happy memories become stronger and they can remember Arwen, they sweet, wonderful, stubborn, brave daughter without the pain. The memories will always be a little bittersweet but the happy time they had together as a family is stronger than grief.

Until one of their sons sails. Alone.

Elladan sails, bringing news that Elrohir will not come. He stayed with Arwen until the end, spending more and more time in Gondor and with Men in general. He was so happy, Elladan explains between his tears. He was carefree and full of a delight for adventure and hunger for the unknown so proper to Mortals. Elrohir didn’t choose mortality because of love of a person but for love of life itself. He was bright and curious and wanted to know all the unknown answers. He died like he lived, with passion and happiness and mischief. And Elladan cannot begrudge his twin’s choice because he saw just how peaceful Elrohir was on his deathbed, grey haired and face lined by time and laughter, as he slipped out of the bounds of Arda and into his next adventure.

[giveamadeuschohisownmovie]

After doing some thinking on this, I think the most interesting movie in the Creed-Rocky universe is “Creed II”:

While most of the movies in the franchise are good, Creed II fascinates me since it’s actually different in how it approaches the main conflict. Most of the movies follow the same formula of underdog boxer must triumph over superior opponent, while Creed II feels more focused on the behind-the-scenes drama and history.

This movie could’ve easily just been a revenge story. Adonis wants to avenge his dad, so he beats up the son of his dad’s killer. However, it feels like the writers of the movie wanted to dig deeper into this. While the revenge story would be simpler and more theatrical, Creed II instead asks the audience how this would be realistically.

And the answer is…really sad, actually.

You’d think that Adonis would be at Kill Bill-levels of vengeful, but he’s not. Instead, he’s more frustrated by how he’s expected to want to avenge his father. He just became world champion and yet the media is only talking about him fighting Viktor Drago. Even Donnie admits you can’t talk about the Creeds without talking about the Dragos. Sure, he does resent Ivan, of course he would. But he doesn’t have a beef with Viktor, and it shows.

Viktor wasn’t doing any better. Although he was trash talking Donnie, you can tell how frustrated he was with how he was being used to “restore” Ivan’s honor. He hated how the Russian leaders, especially his mother, were only treating him and his father well after he started winning in the ring. None of it felt genuine, it’s like he was just a racehorse to them.

When you look at Donnie and Viktor’s arcs as a whole, it’s fascinating just how the arcs work as an overall discussion on legacy. Legacy ends up being the true villain of the movie:

1) Donnie can’t establish his own legacy since he’s chained to his father’s legacy. Even though he has the belt, no one cared. They just wanted the spiritual successor to Apollo vs. Ivan.

2) Viktor was literally raised in hardship because of what happened to his father in the 1980s. Then, he realized he was being used as a way to restore his father’s legacy, which disgusted him.

3) For both Adonis and Viktor, neither of them harbored any actual hate to each other. Any feelings of resentment came solely from their fathers’ actions.

4) Rocky wouldn’t even put up pictures of his fight with Ivan, which makes sense since there wasn’t anything uplifting about that match. Sure, he ended the Cold War (lol) but it doesn’t change the fact that the fight was about vengeance.

5) Ivan was so traumatized by his defeat that he felt like he deserved his exiling. Exiled…for losing a damn boxing match. It took nearly losing his son in the ring for him to realize that reclaiming his lost glory was not worth it.

The end fight is, in my opinion, the most interesting showdown in the franchise. Instead of feeling like a battle between a hero and a villain, it felt more…therapeutic? It’s like Donnie and Viktor knew that they couldn’t move forward with their lives until they got this fight over with, so that’s what they do. You can tell there’s a feeling of relief on both ends once the fight finishes since Donnie got the win over Viktor (thus ending the media’s obsession over a Creed-Drago revenge match) and Ivan affirmed to Viktor that he’ll always have his father’s love.

I should note that there’s a deleted scene (it shouldn’t have been!) where Donnie, Viktor, and Ivan all make peace with each other. I feel like that was the point of making this sequel. It’s not a revenge story like what most people thought, it’s a story of healing, past trauma, generational conflict, and moving on from the past. That’s also why Creed III is a brilliant follow-up since, for the first time in the Creed series, it’s a movie that’s about Donnie’s legacy, not Apollo or Rocky’s.

Basically, Creed II treated the fight between the sons of Apollo and Ivan as an obligation that needed to be fulfilled. It’s funny since that actually works as meta commentary on the audience since that was what a lot of people wanted to see when the first Creed movie was announced. Once that obligation was finished, Donnie and Viktor were able to move on with their lives and establish their own legacies, as seen in Creed III.

And that’s kinda beautiful.

[twst-drabbles]

Night Raven College Staff 1

Summary: Scars. As the magicless janitor of this college, you have gained a lot of them. The staff here notice it and it bothers you in different ways.

(I'm in that romance repulsed mood again. I see ship art or fics and my soul wants to escape my skiiiiin. It'll fade and I'll be back to being neutral about it. I don't really ship anything or anyone anyway.)

There’s really something unfair about the way magic works on your body.

You’ve seen the way bruises receded on pale skin, the way orange sized bumps became nothing without a stretch mark to be seen. You’ve seen the way gashes with gushing wounds would just close without needing so much as a stitch or a scar.

Like magic, injuries and wounds became nothing. Therefore, one could toss a fire spell, aim it at anyone and not worry about what’s left behind.

But, that’s how the bodies of these people’s work. Not yours. The wounds knit together just fine, but they always leave something.

Scars on your hands from swinging branches. Stretch marks from nearly being pulled apart. Patches of scars on your arms from when you nearly lost all the skin there. Little pinhole scars on your shoulders. Some on your thighs and ankles from when the skin sloughed off.

So many, all in a compacted space of time. You look in the mirror and somehow your brain just can’t register that this was you now. It’s annoying. Irritating. At least you have clothes and gloves. At least none of them are out of place.

“Well?” Ashton wiggled your new tracksuit in your face, somehow managing to drag you away from your books for some light exercise. The sleeves were too short.

“No, it’s fine,” you sighed out, tugging your fraying collar over your neck, lightly scratching the little raised bumps there, “No need for any of that.”

Something irritated you about the way Ashton didn’t push it. Just, gave in instead of doing that bulldozing over your answer until you gave in shtick.

Sam was…Sam.

“Sam, mind getting some clothes for me?” This wasn’t the first time. If anything, it’s become routine. Usually has some very nice clothing at decent prices.

“Of course!” He always happy to make a sale. “I’ll even throw in some gloves as a bonus.”

He’s been throwing in all sorts of clothing bonuses since…well since you started wearing long sleeves over anything. He doesn’t need to do that and yet he does so anyway.

Annoying, but you don the gloves anyway. They fit perfectly, as always.

Mozus is at least tolerable. He never speaks more than needed. He even closed his eyes when you had to take off your jacket to air yourself out when you were in the staff room.

You appreciate it, and yet it still rubbed at you the wrong way all the same. You never said you hated the way your skin healed over and yet Mozus knew enough to leave you to your privacy.

Divus wasn’t any better.

“You sure you don’t need any help with that?” He asked after you were sure he went to recount the ingredients for his next class…

“No, it’s fine,” you sighed out again after putting the box on the desk, gently rolling your shoulders, pain thankfully missing, “No need for any of that.”

He never asked before. Why’s he asking now? You’ll ask for help when you need it.

And Dire…

“Stop looking,” You scratched at your wrist, pulling up the sleeve to cover it, “it’s annoying.”

That mask does nothing to hide where his eyes are landing. Doesn’t help that his irises are just, bright little lamps.

Really, what can you do besides just live with this? Eventually, a new normal should set in. You just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

[shatterthefragments]

FUCK I AAID ID TRY TO TAKE MY BREAK TOMORROW EARLIER SO I COULD ATTEND A zoom COMMITTEE MEETINH 😭

I could use the extra money (especially with at least one more concert… at least one is potentially local and I can just drive there) but I also semi rely on that mid workday tumblr scrolling to get me through it rn. (Guess we’ll see if I can even leave when I want. It was an hour later than I wanted today)

Like the two girls who work sometimes together there. Like. It’s been at least a month or so now I think. Probably 3 months bc of the training benchmark thing that they had to do today instead of working. Straight up if I didn’t have a second person in I would’ve fully just broken down today. But uh. They still fully need to do a full day to shadow a clerk and then a full day where they’re supervised. I am not trained as a clerk. I am serving as their knowledge to do their jobs. I used to feel ambivalent towards my birth name but I hate it right now. The “xx” before I need to leave everything and go help them. Just fills me with dread.

And I’m okay with a bit of a language barrier -they can still communicate. But they shouldn’t necessarily need to ask me everything still. I am positive they can check a deck for a box labeled “waffles” without me needing to hold their hand through it. And they shouldn’t need me to Leave My Task to come help them ESPECIALLY when I’m with someone else (the customer complained about me :P and the store manager let me know after he left. Anyway if I have to do the “add it to the list of things to do for sure” that I’m writing in OT and that he said I should do it before I leave bc fuck even today I ended up staying late)

ALSO fuck customers who only want stuff fresh from this very day or fresh from the freezer and DONT PUT A SPECIAL ORDER IN and just request it whenever they come in. Every time. (Sometimes. The answer is no. I don’t have it cut up and available)

Would it help if I cried in front of you when I tell you that I don’t have any available right now?

Torn between catharsis and FUCK if I’m going to cry (at least mostly) because of work then I should at least be paid for it.

…I haven’t cried at (this) work since the last time I was yelled at by a coworker. (All previous times crying at this workplace were because she yelled at me) (I was almost crying. I almost went into the Cooler to have a cry)

Not to make light of it all but I’m like. One more bad Monday with those two away from a hospital stay. (I can’t bc the hospitals here are famously bad for mental health) (I have an appt and a meeting after next week’s Monday)

But like. Can’t sully any of my crafting and leather knives. (They’re very nice and I want to collect more - prettier too would be nice) but seeing the knives at work and knowing they’re freshly sharpened. It’s just. WILL YOU HEAR ME NOW?! I am screaming. I admitted OUT LOUD that I am struggling on Mondays right now. Can’t have any more wounds to heal. I have to keep my skin unbroken so I can get more tattoos. It’ll be so much harder to stop if I start. Bc the URGENCY in the urge is so fucking strong. It didn’t help when I did last but maybe it would now hit I can’t I can’t I can’t

And I’ll be really sad if what I suspect are a TON of new moles (…or maybe freckles??) are cancerous 1) I hate checking them I can’t remember and I don’t have the organization to photograph and monitor each one 2) I’d have to get the tattoos I booked somewhere else and I’m not sure if I’d go for my upper left arm or my upper front thigh area. (If you’re actually reading this I am taking input on this in case) 3) I don’t want cancer, and it would break my parents’ hearts 4) I don’t want to die (despite the Desperation telling me I do)

Im splintering. Im fragmented. And I KNOW that a large part of it is how tired and exhausted I’ve been. I AM going to bed relatively soon.

I want to get high and forget

Weed’s legal it’s probably fine

(Im still paranoid it’ll cause a psychotic break and I’m already so frequently disconnected dissociated and in such a state of unreality it’s terrifying to me. Because when they taught us about psychosis I related very heavily to a lot of it and I’m scared to admit it. I think I’m okay. It would’ve been a lot to be 15+ years deep so far and nobody noticing nobody being concerned I think I’m okay I just need to get back on the ocean. It will heal me.)

I want to not be in pain

I want to externalize some of it

I want SOME FUCKING HELP. (If I just ask I could. Allegedly. Get a referral and coverage for some therapy) but I’m okay I always am. I’ve survived 100% of my worst days and all that :P but uh. A clerk to help those two ACTUALLY FUCKING LEARN (as if they’d listen) would be Huge.

(But if I were to do edibles with a friend I trust her. I trust she’d know what to do.)

Fuck I don’t even feel like sadsturbating. I mean (I don’t like to use lube so) I already sorta went too long the other day(s) and bled a little so I shouldn’t anyway.

1000% down for someone to knead my ass until it bruises while we snuggle though.

…I just ran my retainer cleaner without my retainer inside of it… and then forgot to put it in. It’s in now. I flossed while it actually got cleaned. Which is good. But fuuuck.

“Diagnosed with a sinus infection” with Covid symptoms… I don’t want her to come back to work tomorrow (I would rather be down a person),,,

[free-boundsoul]

Bear Shifter! Honey x Guy Headcanons (And just general Honey headcanons)

Honey was very nervous about telling Guy they were a shifter and put it off for a long time. They broke covert as a kid by shifting while playing with other kids and while the kids thought it was cool, the parents freaked out. Memories had to be altered and Honey had to have a lot of talks about why keeping covert was important.

Guy, while confused at first, was totally supportive after they transformed and proved that magic was real. He asks a lot of questions, and was disappointed that he couldn’t be ‘turned’ like in the movies. He always asks them to show him the limited magical skills they have. Honey has a decent grasp on psychokinesis and they’re working on improving their healing.

Once Guy found out, Honey is not safe from all the bear puns, jokes or nicknames. He uses them all the time. “Can I have a bear hug?” “Honey, you’re being unbearable” “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but…” “What do you mean I can’t go around bear foot? You do all the time!” “Oh Honeybear…is that a blush? Are you em-bear-assed?” “You’ll have to bear with me” “You know I can’t bear to be without you!”

There aren’t many bear shifters in Dahlia, like their animal counterparts, they’re pretty solitary. Honey knows the other bear shifters in town, but they’d barely be considered acquaintances. They run into each other every so often at empowered events and that’s pretty much it.

Honey has a natural resting bitch face and they’re big and tall so other people tend to avoid them. Honey has grown pretty used to it so they’re more surprised when people actually approach them. They have two really good friends they hang out with.

Guy met them when they showed up to answer his ‘looking for a roommate’ ad. They needed a place to stay in Dahlia for college and thought that finding someone to room with would be the best option finances wise. Guy wasn’t intimidated at all, instead he considered it a challenge to get them to open up.

He knew he was in trouble the first time he got them to laugh. Not just a little chuckle, a full belly laugh that had their cheeks flush and their eyes tear up a little and even getting them to snort. He knew that he’d developed feelings for his roommate and oh god they were roommates. It was then that his teasing and jokes got even more flirty than they already were.

Honey likes it when Guy lays on top of them, his head on their chest when they’re watching TV or gaming. Their fingers playing in his hair as they relax. Guy has fallen asleep on them multiple times in that position, especially when he’s had a rough day. Honey, of course, will carry him to bed.

Guy loves it when Honey shifts and he can cuddle with a giant bear that won’t maul him. He thinks their bear form is adorable instead of scary, which Honey finds odd considering they’re giant and could easily squish him.

Honey gets overprotective of Guy, despite their grumpy exterior. They’ve threatened to go find the customers that have tried to ruin his day and ‘teach them some fucking manners’. Only Guy clinging to them gets them to stay put. But if someone is a douche to him in front of them…Guy will realize that their ‘love taps’ are just that when they flatten the offender out.

Honey loves to bake, everything is homemade and nothing from a box mix. If they’re dealing with stress, they tend to stress bake. They also like to donate things to empowered bake sales to support the cause. Guy is the self-appointed taste tester, he would just hate to have them turn in something that wasn’t good. (It's never not good, he just needed an excuse)

[ezraspiderwick]

Chocolate Cake

You meet Frankie and his kid during a grocery run

Frankie Morales x F!Reader

Word count: 1k

Warnings: talks about birthdays, Reader's favorite cake is chocolate, Frankie's kid is in this, first meetings

A/N: Had this one in my drafts for a long time, this is meant to be the beginning of a longer fic but right now it can be read as a stand-alone.

MASTERLIST

Love resembles a double-edged sword, the likelihood of it healing or hurting an individual is about the same, getting one or the other is solely a matter of luck. Those words acquired more sense the day you meet a handsome and quiet man during a grocery run. 

There is one item left on the shopping list, just one and you’re gonna be able to head home to become a blanket burrito while binge-watching the new season of your favorite show. Said item is a chocolate cake mix. 

Between changing jobs and moving into a new city, celebrating your birthday hasn’t been at the top of your priority list, still, this felt like a big number and you don’t want to glance over it completely, you can have a small celebration by yourself. And for that, you need to bake a cake. 

You locate the aisle where the baking ingredients are sitting, but after multiple searches, you’re unable to locate the exact brand you’re looking for, the one your mom used to make every single birthday. 

Maybe it’s better if you give up and head home, you can always get something from the bakery down the street. Just as you’re about to abandon the mission, one of the store workers rushes past you and places the box you have been looking for on one of the shelves. Someone must have returned it, and just in time. 

Parking your shopping cart on the side of the aisle you walk towards the cake mix. You’re laser focus on it and as your hand closes around the box, someone else grabs it by the other side. The hand is big, its fingers brushing yours across the box. You follow the limb to its owner to find a man who looks just as surprised as you by the encounter. His chestnut curls are hidden by a black cap, and his facial hair consists of a mustache and a patchy beard. He’s wearing a shirt with a flannel thrown over it. You find yourself asking silently who gave him the right to look that good in that outfit?

Next to him stands a small girl, maybe 5 or 6, who is cocking her head to the side in curiosity, probably expecting to see how this plays out. She’s dressed in a rainbow tutu and a shirt that depicts a unicorn covered in glitter, and to top everything off she’s wearing a big bow on her hair, which resembles the man’s both in color and texture.  

“I’m sorry miss,” he says once he has analyzed the situation, yet his fingers hover over yours for a second longer after he has finished talking. “Please take it.” He motions to the cake mix much to the little girl’s dismay, and she doesn’t take long to voice it.

“But what about my birthday cake?” 

The man crouches down to get on her level and places one of his hands on her cheek with softness you wouldn’t have thought he was capable of.

“It’s okay amor, we’ll go to another store or ask if they have more in the back.”

The kid doesn’t seem too convinced but she nods, deciding to trust the man’s words. But you can’t take the box knowing they could go without it. 

“Oh, no, please, it’s not urgent, I can look for another flavor,” you insist handing the kid the box. “The birthday girl should have her cake.” She is quick to take it from you and put it in their shopping cart.

“Thank you,” the man shoots you a small and sweet smile as he stands up, a dimple barely showing on his cheek. Before you can answer him, the girl moves in front of you and starts jumping up and down, clearly excited about something. 

“We are getting pre-birthday ice cream after this!” She tells you with a grin, her own dimples shining on her face. “I’m Rafa and this is my dad Frankie.” She takes the borders of her tutu and does a small bow. You tell her your name mimicking her bow. You turn around and head towards your shopping car believing the interaction to be over but she keeps walking alongside you. 

“Did you want to bake the cake for a birthday too?” she asks as she peeks into your shopping cart, and holds up a tomato. “You really like tomatoes?”

“I was gonna bake it for my birthday.” She extends the tomato to you with a that’s yucky face, and you place it back in your cart before leaning in as if you are going to tell her a secret. “And I prefer ketchup.”

She nods solemnly agreeing with your take on food. “So we share a birthday?”

“It appears we do.”

The man stops with his own cart next to yours and shoots you an apologetic smile as he takes her daughter’s hand and gives you a polite nod. 

“Let’s go pay for this amor.”

Rafa is about to follow her dad but freezes a second later. “Wait daddy! Can she come to get ice cream with us?” She looks back between him and you. “Her birthday is tomorrow!” she adds as if that was a perfectly logical reason to invite a complete stranger to join you, and perhaps in the mind of the child, where social norms don’t apply just yet, it was.

You can see the gears turning in the man’s brain as he tries to find a way to tell his child that this is probably not a good idea without making either you or him look bad.

“I’m sure she has other things to do,” he tries but Rafa’s not having it.

“Pleaseeeeeee,” she looks between you and between him with the biggest puppy eyes, and you suspect this is a trick she employs quite often on her father as the man falls for it quickly. He scratches the back of his head and looks at you for help, but the puppy eyes have worked on you too, and you find yourself without words to refuse the girl’s offer.

“If your dad is okay with it I wouldn’t mind going.” Much to your surprise, this puts a smile on the man’s face. The girl looks at her father waiting for his answer.

“Sure, let’s do it.”

[luvlady-writes]

hi !! can i get some angst with kakashi where during anbu he keeps rejecting the reader but at the same time he keeps using her for love (bc he loves her for sure but doesn’t want to be « « serious » »? like he’s scared :(

Hi, nonnie! I hope you like it.

Requests and Ask box are OPEN.

This has no beta and English is not my first language. Be gentle, I’m doing my best ♡

Comments and reblogs are welcome 🖤

Light in the Dark | Kakashi x F!Reader.

Sitting on his bed, you hugged him from behind and put a small kiss on his naked shoulder. You could feel how his body tensed. He broke your embrace and stand up leaving you there.

You smiled sadly and shook your head.

“Is this the part where you kick me out?” you said while Kakashi dressed without facing you. 

You swear to keep your distance from him since he only wants you to warm his bed. But he is strong, once again you’ve failed to resist Kakashi’s actions. 

He didn’t respond. That’s your answer.

You get out of bed and started to put your clothes back on. Angry with him and with yourself. This is the last time, you said to yourself once again. 

Already dressed, you took your purse and walk off Kakashi’s bedroom and apartment leaving him alone in the dark of his room. You didn’t know but, he was punching himself for hurting you again. He tried to stop looking for you on the nights when he was feeling alone and tormented. Your love was the only thing that can warm his cold heart during his darkest hours but he know that he can’t give you what you wanted and needed in return.

.

Anbu's life was taking a toll on him. He was still young but in his life, he had seen and lived things that not anybody could bear. 

You were the light in the dark of his life but for everything he has been through he couldn’t risk losing you too, that’s why he keeps pushing you away. 

You always were by his side when he come back from a mission injured, you healed him, and took care of him, always with a smile on your face. 

“I love you, Kakashi” you said one night after making love with him.

When you said those words, they made him realize that this thing that you had going on was serious and scared him to death because everything he touches, dies. And he doesn't want to lose you because he loved you too.

[rei64bit]

The Song of Rig [Heimdall Fanfic]

======================================

Heimdall x Reader

Words: 12K

This time I wrote the final part of the Heimdall fan fic.

You can think of this as the last part of the series Dusk till Dawn or just another short fanfic of Heimdall.

Rig is actually the another name when Heimdall went to earth.

**I'm not a writer and first time writing something for my favorite characters.

====================================

Winter still haunts the land of Midgard; in the middle of the forest stands a small cottage that looks so fragile it seems like a single blow of wind might blow up the rooftop. Such a small house, it’s quite small for a big family, perhaps it’s only big enough for two persons.

Not so far, a woman voice can be heard. “Hey Rig, can you help me to choke up some wood?” The woman asked.

“Sure! Coming right up!” A man voice answered the woman, sound so warm and energetic it’s so out of place compared to this harsh cold winter that been last for more than four years.

“Hmm, it seems like we still have some meat supplies , but we might need to get more so we don’t have to worry for the next few months.” Walking to Rig, putting her finger through one of the many small holes on his coat and smile. “Plus, I need fur to fix this for you.”

“Haha, that’s nice of you to think of it, but it still warms enough, you don’t have to worry.” Rig smile warmly. “Come on big boy.” Hand patting on Rig shoulder you go and gather your arrow and bow.

Rig was found by her unconscious lying in the middle of the forest, covered in snow and almost die from the blood lost from his severed arm. She was the one brings him back to her small wooden cottage and healed him back to health. Unfortunately, there is nothing she can do about the severed arm as she can’t find the lost arm anywhere near the place where she found him.

As someone who lost their arm, Rig was struggling with daily chores the first few weeks but after he fully recovered, he now can even do some heavy duty without any help. He does have some inhuman strength that shouldn’t belong to a mortal.

Until now Rig has no memories of where he is from and why he is here. It seems like something happened that make him lose a limb as well as his memories too.

“Alright, if you wish to.” Rig walked to his bed and took out a box that hide under the bed frame. An old wooden box storing a sword. It was a golden sword she found, the sword hilt looks too stunning to be a weapon she just found abandoned in the wood, but Rig don’t want to question her integrity on this anymore, don’t think she steal from anyone or else he will feel sad for what she did just for him.

“You ready Rig?” woman had her bow and arrows at her back standing at the front door.

“Always ready than you.” Rig energetic as usual, putting his sword in the scabbard that hangs on his back.

“Ray, who is my good girl? Who's my good girl?” Rig patting on the neck of the strong white mare they kept for quite some time now, it helps them travel faster. Rig and Ray have one thing in common, their hair color is a bright blond that with a little of light grey. Rig has the braided short hair that all braids hold by the middle one and tie to the end. He look handsome with that hairstyle.

“Ray come on, we gotta go hunting now. We better go now before the sun sets.” Rig said while guiding the horse out of the yard. Both Rig and the woman riding on the horse, they slowly depart, to find any prey nearby they can hunt.

The wind is getting stronger but both Rig and the woman refuse to go back empty handed, until finally, they find some animal tracks that look fresh.

Rig found something and getting excited he get off the horse and check. “Here, come and look at this. It looks like a boar's; the hoof is wider than deer. Looks like it’s a big fat boar.” Rig looked back at the woman and smirked.

“If we get it, we won’t need to worry for food for a while. Come on Rig, you don’t want to lose our target.” 

“In your dream, I won’t let that happen” Rig flipped her nose.

Walk pass another path, Rig looked at the destroyed ancient temple-like building with trees overgrown on it. 

“The ruin, it’s always quite a sight to look at. It’s sad to think about what happened here before.” Rig sighed. 

“Better be careful, there may still be cannibals around here.” The woman warned Rig. 

“To be frank, the cannibal is the least thing I worry about, the revenant is what I’m concerned the most! Ugh their nasty magic hurts more than anything and they are creepy too.” Rig said with a look of disgust.

“Yeah, that too. But we better focus on our main mission now if you remember?” “Come on, I’m not that forgetful.” Rig hurried the horse to keep moving, still following the boar track.

“Shh there it is!” The woman slowly gets off the horse and hides in the nearby bush, and ready her bow. It’s a big black boar eating grass on the ground nonchalantly, not aware of the real threat - two silhouettes hiding in the bush watching it.

Aiming at the boar the woman let loose her bow, arrow shot right into the boar throat.

“Good job!” Rig gets excited and grabs the woman's shoulder. He is the first one to rush to the side where the boar is lying. However the boar is not yet dead.

It still squeals in pain in between its ragged breaths. Looking in its eye, Rig can feel its pain, and must put it out of its misery. Rig unsheathed his sword from his back.

“Thank you for your sacrifice, it will not be forgotten.” Swiftly Rig sank his sword into the boar’s chest, piercing its heart. When the woman reaches the side, the boar is already dead. “Thank you.” The woman said. “Nah, you are the one who did the job, I’m just picking up what you left.”

Rig tied the boar to the rack, to let it pull by the horse slowly as they headed back to the cottage.

“Good thing we were able to hunt this boar before the sunset. Okay, ready to go then? "

The winter really makes the sky darker earlier; it's hard to see even during the evening. When the winter was started, it was said that Ragnarök will come by the third Winter, but now it’s the fifth winter and it doesn’t seem to stop.

“Do you believe in Ragnarök, Rig?” The woman asked.

“Huh? Why so sudden?”      “No, I’m just curious what you think of it.”

Rig thinks for a moment “um well, it’s a prophecy of a war that will break out between the giants and the Aesir gods, the end of the gods is what they said, but I never actually seen it and nor that I will see it. I mean I’m just a mortal, we are just like an ant to the gods, as long as we don’t anger them, we will be fine.”

“Is that so? Aren’t the things you said just now a little ignorant and disrespectful to the gods?”

“Ahaha, I’m sorry. I’m not really good at such topics, it’s not something I can prove or to research on. It’s… intangible.”

Reaching the cottage where both Rig and the woman stay, the sky is getting darker. “I will lead Ray back to the yard, she needs to stay warm after this long hours hunting.” “Yeah, Ray is really our good girl, aren't you?” Rig patting on Ray's neck again.

The woman started to skin the boar, keeping every edible part and the fur. While Rig is busy starting the fire and cooking some soup in the house.

“Hey, dinner is ready!” Rig tells the woman to come in. “Alright, I will join you soon.” As she is still trying to clean up the mess..

“Woah Rig, I didn’t know you were a cook. It smells delicious!” The woman being sassy and praising Rig on his cooking skill, but of course Rig really can cook well.

“Oh well, it’s my pleasure to have such privilege to cook for you, your approval mean everyyyything to me.” Rig also tries to be sassy.

Both sitting near the fire and eating their meal, it was a vegetable soup, with carrot and potatoes from the backyard. The winter has been harsh to the crop but Rig has been able to sustain them well enough to grow. The conversation between Rig and the woman comes back and forth, Rig is always the one to ask tons of questions, mostly out of curiosity.

She knew a lot of things, she also taught him how to wield the sword too.

“What are you carving this time?” Rig asked the woman, she sat on her bed, wood carving a figure.

“You. I’m craving a figure of you.”   “Uh what? Me?”

“Yeah, so I can still remember your dumb face when one day you decided to leave.” The women look a little sad when she said so.

 “..That’s something sad you think of.., I mean I'm getting comfy here and it’s not like I have other places to go. You are all I have now.” Rig eating the second bowl while looking at the woman and said.

“You never know, gotta prepare for the worst.” The woman continues carving. The figure is far from complete but it's slightly recognizable as Rig, the lost limb and the braided hair. 

“O-kay if you said so.  Just make sure you carve me handsome. That’s the most important detail you couldn’t miss.”  “Ah yes, sure. Lord Rig.”

“The place where you found me.. is there anyone other than me?” Rig asked curiously, perhaps he really want to know more. Time by time Rig will find a chance to ask about it, although it always come to a same answer.. 

“.. I don’t know...., I didn't see anyone when I found you. It was a mess and some hel-walker is getting close, I really don’t have the time to check around. Rig, I know you really want to understand what happened to you, but I already told you all I know. I can’t tell you something I don’t know. Do you understand?” woman getting a little frustrated. 

Not sure what to say Rig turn back his head.

“..Look I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that. I’m really sorry.” the woman apologized for her words.

“It’s fine..., you are right. I shouldn’t keep forcing you on this.” Rig lay on his bed looking at the rooftop.

“It’s better to rest now. Get some sleep you need it Rig.” woman trying to sooth Rig.

“You should too, don’t spend too much time carving my handsome face, you can always see me here as much as you like.”    “Get out of here Rig” Seems like the joke loose the tense atmosphere.

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“Ow man! Really?! The wolves again?! This is the second time they have stolen our food! We need to do something about it!” Rig gets angry for the food stolen again by the wolf pack.

“I think they see through the bear trap, this wolf pack seems to be smarter than usual wolves we encounter. It’s like they learned it somewhere else.” Woman said. 

“I don’t care! They need to pay back what they stole! We are not going to let them keep doing this!” Rig goes back to the house, gets the sword and readies it.

“Rig what are you doing?”  “Getting what belongs to us back!” Getting on horse, he gets ready to track those wolves.

“Are you coming with me?” Rig looked at the woman, expecting her to join. Both of them have been living together for almost two years, they know each other quite well, like how she knows Rig is always the one who never gives up from a fight.

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”     “Nope.” Rig tilted his head and waited for the woman to get on the horse and sit in front of him.

The snow storm still shows no signs of stopping any time soon, the tracks of the wolf pack can still be seen but some has been covered by layers of snow.

The woman sighed. “Do you think we lost them? It’s getting really bad out here Rig.”

“No, there are still tracks, I’m not going home empty handed either! Would you rather just stay at home and wait for them to come to steal our food again?”

“hah— just keep looking for them, but we will head back before the sunset.”

“I will watch the time.” Rig keeping a very focused look on the ground to find any fresh track.

“--! Do you hear it, Rig?!” The woman said.

“The wolves!” Rig makes the horse go at full speed, not wanting to lose the chance of catching them, after all, their fur can be made into new bed sheets and their meat can last them for the next few months.

“Hya! Ray follow the sound!” Rig holds onto the woman's waist while Ray moves faster.

“I think we are close! We better slow down to not make them put their guard up.” The woman pats on Rig’s hand.

The environment is very new to both of them, it’s a new territory they never explored before. Soon they find another ruin in front of them that is quite similar to the one in their area; the sound of the wolves can be heard inside the ruins.

There is also smoke from inside the ruin, which means the wolves are tamed by someone. This is the first time they encounter a stranger in this place. Most of the Migardian either moved to somewhere safe or died while trying to do so. This whole time, two years, both of them never actually encounter other people.

“There are people inside Rig, I can hear them talking, it sounds like two men.” Both unmount Ray and hide in a safe blind spot. Slowly approaching the source of the voice, Rig slowly unsheathes his sword from his back not wanting to make unnecessary noise that can alert the strangers that lie ahead.

“Brother, I think Speki and Svanna are sensing something approaching here.”  “Hmm.” The two strangers whispered to each other. Now their guard is up, and they reach for their weapons.

Rig gets tensed up and the woman follows him behind the nearby wall.

“Who goes there!” One of the strangers yelled into the wind. Rig clenched onto his sword, thinking whether he should attack now and before he could act, the woman was already making her first move, stepping out in the light.

“What are you doing!” Rig angrily shouted, getting frustrated of her not waiting for him to make the call. Rig quickly rushes out to stand in front of her as they stand at the ruin entrance.

In front of Rig is a tall man with an axe that looks astonishing in a pose ready for battle. Where is the other stranger? He clearly heard two voices.

“What do you want from us!” The tall man questioned.

“Brother, I think our wolves might’ve stolen something from these two, the prey they caught today is obviously well prepared for the winter.” That is the voice of the other man but from behind the tall man, yet Rig can’t see him.

Rig barked. “Your wolves stole what belongs to us! And now we’re here to take back what we owed OR your wolves can pay for the price too!” Rig growing impatience. The animal they caught is just going to waste by these cunning wolves.

“Brother! This voice!”   “Hmm.” The tall man grabs something from his back and pulls it out. It is a decapitated head and it’s talking! Rig is shocked by what he is seeing, a talking head?!

“Bloody hell, how can he still be alive?! How brother?!”   “I do not know.” The tall man answered the creepy head.

“I don’t care what sorcery you have on you, all we want is to get back what we own.”

“You see, the wolves already ate them, I’m sorry a—this is so weird how can he still alive?” Rig is getting more frustrated as he has no idea what they are trying to say.

“I said…give it back!” Getting heated, Rig makes the first move and sprints at them.

The tall man reacts at lightning speed, both weapons clanged together making an unusual sound, yet it’s beautiful to hear. A rainbow kind of light grows from Rig’s sword, which to his surprise has never happened like this before; it’s always been an ordinary sword, other than the glorious design on the hilt.

“The hell?!” Rig cursed while swinging at the stranger. Both using all their strength making their weapon holding in place.

“Rig!” The woman shouted.   “Rig?? Your name is Rig??” The head that’s dangling from the hip of the stranger sounds very surprised on his name.

Both the strangers and Rig’s weapon creates a strong magnetic field, and immediately, an explosion happens as they are both flung apart.

Rig slams against the ruin wall and collapses on the ground. He quickly recomposes himself as a noise rings in his head. Feeling dizzy, he held his head while still watching his opponent in case he made a move on him.

”Kratos, I think we should just leave it. Don’t do this the second time. He seems to not remember both of us.” Kratos, that’s the name of the tall stranger, Rig wanted to make sure he wouldn’t forget it.

“He will attack us regardless.”  “Lad! We are sorry for what the wolves did, but we can’t let you take our wolves, we need them to pull our sledge. Perhaps we can exchange something eh?” The creepy head suggested. 

“What do you offer then” This time the woman is walking forward and trying to gain control of this conversation, not wanting Rig to do anything ruthless.

Rig tries to disagree on her negotiation with strangers.

“Well, we have a valuable jewel we found in the other realm and some hacksilvers. Well, it be a deal?”

“Well smart head, how can the jewel feed us, we need food not luxury accessories!” Rig angrily pointed out.

Rig is right, they need food more than anything and there is no merchant in Midgard, so they can’t buy food with the jewel or money given to us. The resources in Midgard are getting less and less thanks to this winter and it doesn’t seem to end any time soon.

“Kratos, perhaps we can give them some meat that we hunted not long ago? If we can make a quick turn to Sindri house to grab it!”   “Hmm” The tall man speaks very little and really likes to gruntle.

“Well very then. Eh, Lad and lass, how about you wait for us here for a bit while we make a quick turn to grab something back to you?” Rig eyeing the woman, it’s like he is asking ‘do you believe them?’ “Haa- okay, we will wait.”

The stranger with the talking head departed to where they called Sindri’s house, perhaps that where they stay with their friend.

“You don’t think they will trick us?” Rig sitting at the fire that was made by the stranger and looking at his sword.

He doesn’t look happy and sounds energetic like usual. His eyes sometime watching the wolves as if he is planning to take their wolves instead, which the wolves sensed and groan at him.

“Rig, that’s the only way. I don’t want to see you get in a unnecessary fight and the reason we are here is to get back our food, nothing more.” woman sit next the fire and warming her hand.

“Plus, we can always take their wolves if they lie to us.” Rig smiled softly at her last statement and now sheathed his sword back. The wolves not really appreciate both of your scheme of taking them away from their master.

That strangers..they don’t look like a mortal to Rig. There are some aura around them like- “What do you think about that two strangers?” “Huh?” Rig get surprise of she catch what he is thinking.

“They don’t look like an ordinary man to me.. it’s like they are-immortal like a-”

"Gods?” Before Rig can finish the woman continue his sentence.

“Yeah, I mean there is a decapitated head talking to us just now, how in this realm this can be happen?” Rig dumbfounded.

“What do you feel about them?” woman asked. “I don’t know..they just so different, like powerful.” Rig said while caressing his limb-less arm.

“Do you wish to be like them?”

“What you mean? This is not something we mortals can do, we are just trying to live our lives in peace. But if they really are god just think about I tried to fight one of them just now make me shiver.” Rig feel awesome for what he did, to stand up to a god-like stranger despite only have an arm.

In Rig’s mind he did think if only he is a god with some cool ability, how would he feel like? Feeling superior or much more ignorant maybe? The feeling of standing on the peak of the pyramid tower did make him feel extremely good. If he is a god, he wouldn’t let them starve or live in such hard environments.

Not sure how long the time has passed, the strangers came back with the promised food supplies.

“We are not going to thank you for that.” Rig said while the woman take the surprise from the stranger’s hand.

“Hmm” The stranger grunted again. “Kratos, can I have a few words with uh Rig?” Without hesitation the stranger pull the talking head from the back to face both of them.

Both looking at the dangling head waiting him to say something.

“Lad, do you have any memories of us?”  “What do you mean?” Rig frowned.

“See Kratos, I don’t think he remember anything at all! If he still him, he did start to spitting every venom he can get on me now!”   “Hmm.” The tall man name call Kratos looked at Rig.

“Stop your babbling and get to the point already you creepy old goat head.” Rig don’t like feeling like in some kind of riddle, clenching his only hand and demand them to say what they mean.

“anndd yet still so spiteful.” The dangling head added.

“Rig! We should go now.” The woman starting to move. She doesn’t seems happy of what this conversation is leading to.

“This two sound like they know me! Don’t you think its important to get all information from them?! They absolutely know who am I!” Rig shout as the distance between Rig and the woman is getting far.

“I say go now!!” The woman do not give in and insist they should move now.

“Lad, there is nothing much we can tell, it just- we kinda met you at some point of the time and nothing much. We don’t know what happened to you after that.” The talking head continued.

Rig groan loudly at what he said, did this talking head telling the truth or just lie so he can walk away with his tail tacking between his legs.

If only he can read his mind he can get this done faster. The tall stranger doesn’t say any word anymore, he just plainly stares at him, but his eyes tell him there is something they are hiding.

Not able to get this conversation going anymore, Rig felt defeated following the woman to retreat.

Not too far, Rig still can hear the two strangers talking but not able to pinpoint what they talking about.

“Why do you leave? I still have things to ask them!” Rig question the woman.

“You heard them, there is nothing much they can tell you anymore. The sun is setting, we have to back before the forest get too dark for Ray to navigate. Do you still remember why we are here?”

Rig sighed in defeat, she is right, they are here to get the food supplies back which they did.

It’s getting colder too, not a smart choice to still stay out of the wood. “Ray I’m sorry to make you wait.” Rig patting on Ray gently.

Back to the cottage, Rig helping to set the fire preparing for meal. It’s the same soup Rig been cooking all the time.

“You are getting too ruthless today.” woman stated which drink her soup.

“I don’t know.. there are just something about him, it make my body move the moment I look at his eye. I just feel so furious. I-I-” Rig not sure how to say it, ended with suttering.

“Rig, the most important thing is you are alive. We can’t keep looking back. We need to move forward and see what ahead waiting for us.” woman put her hand on Rig’s and smile sadly.

“You’are- right. I guess. Let’s just eat before the food get cold.” Not wanting to struggle on this question anymore he focus on his soup.

“The meat supplies they gave to us is quite some quality you know. Look likes they had it from some marketplace.” woman said amusingly

“Rich bastard.” Rig added.

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“It hurts!! It hurt SO MUCH!” Hand holding his head.

"Keep your breathing slow and steady. Stop panicking, it only make it worse.” The woman mixing some powder in the water.

“Come on, drink it slowly.” Rig drink it in a few galop, panting as the pain slowly faded away. Sweat dripping from his face.

Rig been having nightmares and every time it ended with him wake up lashing out with severe headache. The drink the woman make is the temporary solution as the nightmare never went away.

“What do you mean?!”

“I mean the nightmare started since the day we met these two strangers, I keep having a dream of myself dying in the hand of a tall figure, choking me to death and I just keep falling in to the pit that doesn’t seems to have an end! I’m sick of this! I. Need. Answer!” Rig pacing the room and said.

“What make you think they have anything to do with the nightmare and your headache?!”

“I don’t know how to say it! I just know okay!” Rig really don’t want this conversation to keep going everyday, he need to act immediately.

“I forbid it”   “What? What are you saying?”

“Do you know how dangerous it is to go out to find someone that you don’t even know where they are? They might not be friendly like last time. I couldn’t risk this another time!”

“Risk what?! There is nothing you need to afraid of! Hel if anything happened  I will protect you!”

“I’m afraid of losing you!!” Rig shocked at what she said. He never think he is this important to her.

Getting soften Rig walk toward the woman and give her a warm hug.

“I will be fine, I might be losing a limb but I still can handle it. Remember last time I even able to hold his axe’s attack? I’m not that weak like you think I’m.”

Rubbing her back Rig trying to convince the woman. “What if bad thing happened? What if-”

“But I can’t staying here like this! I need to know the answer! I need to know who I’m!” woman eye shows a sign of sadness and sorrow.

“So you are leaving then..”

“That’s not what I mean-. Look, I just need an answer, then I will be back here. I’m not going to anywhere! Trust me!” Rig want the woman to have faith in him, he always keep his promise.

woman look in his eye and not saying a word for a moment, her eyes look confused and much more sorrow than ever.

“I- I don’t want to talk about this now. I need some sleep perhaps tomorrow we can talk again.”  “But-”    “Not now”

Rig see there is no chance to talk about it now, getting frustrated he sit outside the cottage, brush Ray’s fur.

She is just so stubborn! Why can’t she just listen to me for once!” Rig talking to Ray like she can understand his lament.

“I always listen to her, all the time Ray! Do this and that. Clean this wash that.” Ray neighed like she agree.

“Right? By the god she is just so- So.” Not sure what to describe he just left the word unspoken.

“I mean I appreciate she saved the from almost dying. But she can’t keep me here like this, it’s like I'm chained, Ray.” Ray nibble his hair.  “Hey! Are you even listening?!” Rig stopping Ray. Ray is always very fond of Rig if she can choose.

“I gotta know what happened to me..” Rig pat on Ray one more time, bid her goodnight and walk in.

It's very quiet in the house now, other than the crackling sound from the fireplace.

Rig sitting on his bed and look at the woman slumber.

Thinking how he still going to face the nightmare tonight again if he sleep, it just kinda pointless to fell asleep.

A mischief idea came across Rig’ mind. Sneak out to find out himself.

Rig try not to make any big noise, slowly getting himself ready, sword at the back. Standing at the front door, Rig look back at the woman sleeping sound and safe.

He hesitated, but soon he make up his mind to start his journey, to find the answer, then he will be back as promised. Door closed gently, now the room is getting colder than ever, the sunshine that stay here just left.

“Shit! This is cold!” Rig in the middle of the forest, trying to remember where they met the strangers named Kratos.

He saw the familiar ruins, there it is!  Approaching the center, no one is there.

Rig disappointed but wait! There are still a little smoke came out of the fireplace that has been put out. Great! They might not be far away, Rig hurried up trying to find any track and he can see the wolves track, they did say the wolves help to pull their sledge.

Rig shake his head try to Ignore the thought, no time for distraction. He need to act fast before he lose the chance to contact them.

“Brother, I think that’s enough for today eh? Let just head back to give the herb to Freya.”   “hmm”

“I still can’t believe we see him again! That prick! Although he does look a little different, no bifrost eyes, no golden teeth, but the face no mistake it’s him! And his arm that you blow off!”  “Hmm”

“If I guess, the lady that stand next to him is the one save him, but I’m not sure how he can revive the dead.”

“Speaking from the undead himself.”   “Ay ay I know, magic. Perhaps the lass know some magic to bring him back. I wonder if I see her before, she look familiar but I know don’t where I seen her before!”

“Enough of distraction, we should head back” Kratos put the head back ready to move.

“Well of course, but I think you will need to deal with him first, brother.” Kratos not sure what Mimir said, turned his head.

The silhouette in front of them not too far, revealed to be the person of the really topic. Rig.

“Hello Rig, it’s you again. You look well, where is the lady?” Rig not really want to answer that instead he asked.

“I’m here just for an answer I’m seeking from both of you.”

“Oh dear.. Guess we couldn’t just leave now brother”   “Hmm.” Kratos grunted, but didn’t reach for his axe.

“If you don’t want to tell me, I guess I just have to force it on you.”  Rig unsheathe his sword from his back, ready to do the worse if they don’t comply.

“Still impatience hard headed as always. I see.” The head said.

“What do you mean by that? You said like as if you knew me.”

“Kratos?” “Hmm” Kratos now holding the dangling head from his back.

“Well, I’m not sure if im doing the right thing at first, but since now you are here looking for answer, I suppose its fate you have to know.”  Fate, the word sound so sharp in Rig’ ear, he hate this word.

“First, I’m Mimir. The smartest man alive.”  “The undead” Kratos added.

“Aye aye, would you let me continue brother? ”  Kratos grunted.

“Well look, Rig. Indeed I knew you, when you are small that time I arrived in Asgard.” Asgard? The realm of god beings, how this head called Mimir say this? He met him in Asgard? That’s ridiculus.

“I know how it sound like.” Mimir saw his surprised face and added.

“Your name is not Rig, and nor that you are a ordinary mortal. You are the god of foresight, the herald of the Ragnarok and the son of the Aesir King, Odin. .. and the last time we met, you are ready to fight Kratos in the order of your father I assume, and you see,  thing went sour and we have to do what he have to, urg we--” Mimir rambling a long answer and getting a little uncomfortable at the last part, which Kratos help on.

“You wanted to kill us and I killed you.” Kraots continued.

“Simple and straightforward brother, you can’t just say that and expect him take this well.” Mimir said to Kratos.

This whole time when Mimir telling him, his mind been in a state that he is not thinking anymore, the things Mimir said is too much to take in at one shot.

Blank face stared at the two men. Rig take time to process his thought.

“It must be hard to accept this, but it seems like you didn’t die after we left. For this part we don’t have the answer you want, perhaps you can ask the lady, she found you maybe she know more detail.”

“No! She wouldn’t lie! She don’t know much..” Rig said.

“..Or perhaps the norms can help.”     “Mimir!” Kratos not really like the idea.

“Brother, if he going to know he will know eventually, and he doesn’t seems to be someone will harm Atreus anymore.”

“What if he will.” “...then you will be the one decide then.” Atreus, the name sound so familiar to Rig.

“The norms you said, are they able to give me the answer I need?”

“Well, they are the one  who see the future, and secret. No guarantee, perhaps they can help you, worth a try.” Mimir answered.

“Alright then, where is this norm at?” Rig wanting to get what he want no its what he need as soon as possible, he is impatience now.

“Well brother, what do you think?”    “Hmm.” Kratos nodded his head.

“Very well then, Rig, we can help you to find the norm, but do know that they don’t want to be found, this journey can be hard and it can be fruitless and knowing all this do you still want to follow?” Without hesitation Rig nodded, determined to find out the truth.

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“Look out Lad!” Rig dodged the attack of the trolls and finding the opening to attack it’s weak spot. One more strike the troll fell.

“Well, I didn’t know you are quite a fighter.” Mimir added.

“Enough to survive.” Rig swing his sword to shake off the blood. Rig hop back to the sledge and the wolves start pulling.

“You are really different compare to the last time I saw like-”

“A different person?” Rig added.  “Yeah”

“How I was like before?”     “Well..”    “So?”

“Spiteful vicious little shit, insult everyone as one of the hobby and daddy's lapdog.”

“Mimir.”  “Well he want to know the true, I don’t see the point of hiding it”

“..” Rig is quite shock on the statement Mimir made, did he really this bad? But why he will be like that if he is not now?

“You alright lad?” “I am.” “See Kratos, he take it well.” Kratos grunted.

Sun already set down, the trio finding a spot to rest.

Rig help to set up the fire despit Kratos insist to do it himself. Warm his own hand and Rig started to have more questions, he want to know more, about himself, about everything.

“So, you are the one kill me?” Rig look at Kratos with no grudge in his eye, the way Rig asked its like asking whether he had his breakfast or not.

Perhaps Rig don’t have the memories of that event, so he don’t really feel the hate.

“Hmm.” “And my limb.” Rig looking at his missing arm.  “Yes.” Rig like the way Kratos answer, straightforward to the point, no need to hide, after all he is here to look for the answer not comfort.

“And Mimir, you said I’m the god of foresight?”

“Yes lad. The herald of the Ragnarok too. You hold the Gjharllahorn that it sound will be hear across all realms and that’s the time for the end of the asgard.”

“God of foresight? You mean I can foreseen what is coming?”

“Yes lad, and no one ever able to lay a finger on you.”

“Until him shows up?” “Yes lad, it’s unfortunate but we only did what we can to protect ourselves.”  “That’s fair.”

“Now I wanna, know, do you prefer we call you Rig or our real name- Heimdall?” Mimir’s question did shake him a little, he always been Rig this whole time, and for him Heimdall sound so unkind, plus he is or used to be a prick to everyone based on what Mimir said.

“Just call whatever you like.” Not wanting to decide, he let them choose.

“Very well them, Rig it is. Honestly I like you more now.” Rig is speechless, perhaps he really is a spiteful vicious prick like what Mimir said earlier.

“Kratos, you mentioned someone name Atreus, who is him.” Rig continue his other question.

For some reason, Kratos did tense up a little when he asked him this. He have some concern whether he should tell him or not and probably thinking of the consequences and what to do if worse to come.

"..He is my son.” That’s the only thing Kratos said.

“You did spoke about him like I’m going to hurt him. What is his story?”

“Well lad, I think I can answer you that.” Mimir helped Kratos.

“Well you see, there is a prophecy of you-- well Heimdall and Atreus. They meant to kill each other when Ragnarök come. You did threaten to kill Atreus his son, so Kratos did what he have to.”

“To kill me.” Rig added. “Yes.” Kratos answered him. For some reason Rig understand what Kratos did instead of getting mad of the fact he killed him.

To protect someone they care and love, some time they have to do the worse thing.

Now suddenly Rig think of her, she probably now panicking and try to look for him. He left Ray there so she still able to go around with no trouble. He does care for her a lot, it just he need to know the truth before he come back as promised. He will not leave her.

“I’m sure your friend will be fine Lad.” Mimir able to pick up what he’s been thinking of.

“Yeah, she is strong.” “I have no doubt on that Lad.”

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 “Look at this, I think we might found them” The trio walk near a swamp, it look peaceful here.

“But there is no kelpie can bring us there.”

“We swim.” Kratos said.   “What?” Rig not really good at swimming.

“There is no other way” Kratos answered.

“But how can we swim so fast?! We could drown in halfway brother!”

“The talking head got a point.”    “It’s Mimir to you!”

“We will make sure of this weapon.”

“Oh-! With the enchantment we got from Sindri previously that can make spear keep going till it reach the target! ”    “Hmm.”

“What weapon?” Rig wonder. Kratos turned to face him, with just a second a spear appears in his hand. That’s some magic spear he got there, not sure how he manage to do it but it must be their friend Sindri made it for them as they mentioned his name quite some time when they talk about some magic tool and weapons.

“Ready?” Kratos ask Rig.

“Well what you want me to do?” Rig not sure what he want him to do, he only got one hand.

Without telling, Kratos just grab on the shirt front it back and jump in to the swamp.

“!!” Rig is shocked by what Kratos did, he don’t have time to react. Holding his breath and eye closed, he feel the current of the water as they somehow magically moving fast in the water.

The pressure did make Rig feel very uncomfortable as he don’t really spend time in water that much, especially under water.

Just when Rig couldn’t hold his breath anymore, they jump out of the water.

Rig lay on the ground coughing and trying to calm his breathing pace down. He doesn’t really appreciate get soaked in water, but if this is the only way to reach the norm, he will do it.

“Beware of delusion lad! The norm like to play on the seeker mind, to trick you in their illusion they created just for each of us.”

“Delusion?” “Yes lad, those who passed only will be able to see the norm.”

“And those who didn’t?”  “They stuck in the time and place and become insane.” That is not the answer Rig wished to hear.

Before Rig can ask further, the area is getting foggy and when he turn his head to find them, they are no place to be found.

“Mimir? Kratos?” No one answer.

“Where the hell are you two?!” Unsheathe his sword from the back, Rig ready himself.

Started to hear whispering from either both side of his ears, Rig groaned.

Suddenly he hear a woman voice. “Scion of the Aesir, or should I call a merely ordinary mortal?” look at his back trying to find the source of this mystery voice.

“Heimdall that see all, or Rig the one arm.” The voice giggling and continue.

“Always so loyal to his father, zealous believer of Odin, king of the Aesir, the raven king.” Rig getting frustrated swing his sword around as if he can hurt the mist around him.

The voice laugh and continue. Suddenly a silhouette appear in front of him.

It’s him, but more stylish, wearing black and white tunic with the iron platted garment at the bottom. A horn hanging at his back and the sword is exactly the same sword he have now.

The silhouette draw out a sword and branding on a much more short silhouette that look like a dwarf.

The scream of the dwarf can be heard, so haunting. The silhouette that look like Rig himself did nothing but laugh and continue torture the dwarf.

This haunt Rig heart, he knew from Mimir he is a prick back then but never he thought he went to this extend.

His silhouette now turn to face him and smile, ready to attack Rig, with no hesitation Rig fought back his own silhouette. “Come on! Show me what you got, Loki!!” The silhouette said.

“HAAA-!” Using his full strength Rig fight back and get the upper hand and before the silhouette can react, Rig slide it to half.

“Monster..” That’s the last word of the silhouette before it disappear.

Just when he thought it’s over, thousand of hand appear from the ground trying to drag him into the ground. Struggling Rig swings his sword and cutting off their hand, but it regenerate too soon. Right before he fully sink into the ground he heard someone call out his name. “Rig! Wake up lad!” Open his eyes, nothing actually happened, he is still standing at the same spot.

“That’s is what I mean delusion. Guess you seen yours too.” Rig didn’t answer, only trying to catch his breath after the fight with nothing but silhouette.

Entering the cave, it look marvelous with yellow strip hanging from the top, not sure if it’s a decoration or some organisms.

“Mimir the head, Kratos the ghost of sparta and Rig the one who forgot who he is or was enter the domain of the norm.”

“Here they come.” Mimir said and a woman voice Rig heard before mimic on what Mimir said too.

“This is always the fun part eh. Lad you can ask them now.” Rig now not sure how to start, trying to think of the way to ask.

“I wanna know-” “who am I” The norm continue Rig’s.

“Poor child don’t even know who he is or who he used to be.”

“The ignorant Aesir god or who used to be entering the domain to find his answer to all his question.”

“A shortcut indeed.”

“Asking the help of the very one who killed them, how pity. And the ghost of sparta can’t resist the urge to grunt.” “hmm”

“Just tell me how to gain back my memories, that;s all I asked.”

“Memories he said, he want to know what he did so badly he can’t move forward, ignoring all the actually important to him now.”

“The gods of foresight begging for help to gain back something he will soon regret. How tragic.”      “The fate of an Aesir god.”

“Perhaps he will crawl back to beg again when he realize what he did.”

Rig getting impatience. “Just tell me already!!”  “Missing the point here I see.”

Before Rig say again, one of the norm answered. “If this is what you wish, to break free from the spell that keep you so well behave, you have to get back what its content belong to you back from the lady. Holding it up high on the peak of the Midgard Mountain shall the sunlight break the bond and return your memories and power, good and bad.”

“What do you mean the content belong to me?”

“A magic crystal in the shape of a shell the woman hold, guess it would be obvious to you.” The norm giggled.

The shell! Rig remember the one he saw on her nightstand one night, she was protective of it and wouldn’t let him touch it or see it. There are some goldish color grow from the shell itself.

He always wonder what it is. Now look like that the key that holding everything back to him, why would she do that? Rig can’t understand.

“And before you said that’s all I need. You will know once the spell is broken, it can’t be fixed, nor the king of the aesir even able to help you or even you beg from us. Now, the Rig the mortal, how much it mean to you to get back what was once belong to you?”

"Everything.” Both Rig and norm said.

“Very well then, you have what you need and soon you will learn that “

“Perhaps you can learn more from the ghost of sparta, he know this very well.” “Hmm” Kratos getting irrated.

“We should go lad.”

Back to the surface, Rig have a lot in mind, after what the norms said.

“That’s was quite a journey eh. So have you decided yet lad.” Mimir asked Rig.

“Go and get back what belong to me, As the norms said.”

“Well I'm not sure why the lady hold the very thing that you need to get what you wanted, but I think it is out of good cause.”

“She lied.”

Rig not facing them and start walking to continue his journey.

“I will be my own now, ..thanks for the help.”

Both Mimir and Kratos didn’t say a word and watch him slowly walk away and disappear in the foggy weather.

“Oh boy, I hope we are doing the right thing.”

“He deserve to know the truth, that what you said to him”

“Aye aye, it just I didn’t expect the lady has something to do with it.”

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Rig couldn’t stop thinking why she hold the thing, the magic shell that hold him here, is she a witch?

Trying to put him in this character of Rig that don’t even exist? The more he think the more he pissed about it, about her.

She was someone he trusted. The time when he asked about himself and the time he been through the nightmare, she been pretend not knowing the whole time! How can she!

In Rig mind, she is slowly turn to a monster trying to drag him down to the dark puddle.

He started to hate her.

He might be hateful enough to use his sword on her if she refused to gave it to him.

Rig walked for not sure how long, he can see the familiar cottage. Slowly he approach, his only objective here is to get the shell and run away, but if he couldn’t avoid to come in contact with her.

Unsheathe his sword to be ready if the worse happened.

Slowly pushing the door, she is not around but Ray is still here mean she wouldn’t been far.

It’s the chance.

Running through her nightstand, bed frame and storage. No sign of the shell.

“Shit! Where is it!!” Rig cursed, she might be back anytime soon.

Perhaps Rig don’t want to come in the contact with her, or else he will be force to use his sword, he will get back what is his, no matter what it cause.

Especially after all this time she been hiding and lie to him, it make her so unforgivable, just a thought about her make him frown.

The house is a mess now, Rig unbox all her belonging and still no sign of the shell.

She might be holding it, that witch! Just when he planning on the next move, he realized there is one more place he didn’t check, his bed.

It couldn’t be, but it worth to check. Kneel down and check the floor under the bed, there is nothing, but something that stick on the upper side of bed frame catch his eye, a small box with almost the same color as the bedframe and almost blend in.

Looking at his hand now with the small box, he unboxes it. the familiar golden glowing from inside.

“There it is! I got it!” Before he can be relieved, the footstep from outside is approaching this house.

She is back.

Rig steadied himself, thinking whether should he wait until she come in and confront her on this, or just left.

Closing eyes Rig decided to left from the back windows.

There is nothing he need to say to her anymore, nor that he should care what she have to said. It will be more lie from her.

Not looking back the second time, Rig leap out the windows and start running.

He can hear her voice, she must have found out what he did.

Not wanting to see her, Rig just keep running.

“Rig!!!” She cried out.

Her voice is like a spell that hold him in place, Rig stop running, he never hear her so out of place.

Turning back his head, he want to ask what she did this, but a harsh words came out instead.

“Stay.Away. From me! You witch! You are really a good lie huh? The whole time!? You rather see me suffer than help me?!”

Rig looked at her for a few second before open his mouth again.

“You are a monster.” Said with no emotion attach to him.

“Wait I can explain--!” Before she can finish, Rig unsheathed his sword, a way of telling her he don’t care about what she going to say anymore.

He starts to walk again, not looking back anymore, the only thing he can hear is hear crying.

Usually, Rig will be very worried of what make her cry like this and will definitely make others pay for what they did to her, but now he couldn’t care much.

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What awaits Rig is the tall mountain in front of him, he need to reach the top using the sunlight to break the spell. Walking in the abandoned mining site, he can sense there are troll and hel-walker lurking around.

With no fear in his eyes, he killed all of them, in a rage of been lied at and how he is so dumb never suspect anything.

Notice the lever that can help get him to the top of the mountain but is broken.

Rig might be capable of hunting and doing chores but fixing such things is not in the list.

“ughh!! Shit!” Getting frustrated more he punched the handler.

“Isn’t that the sacseed of the All-fucker!” Rig turned around hand ready on the weapon.

“No need to get so crancky. This broken pieace of chunk wouldn’t get you to the top of the mountain even if you kill me little shit.”

“...Can you fix it?”  “What now?”

“Can. You. Fix it.”

“Is that a question or an order, don’t answer I don’t take shit from anyone, will it cause you your dick if you ask nicely. Guess this is the all fucker gene to be impolite to anyone.”

“Could you help me…please.”

“that’s more like it!” Rig is speechless at the way the dwarf speak. As long as he can help him to get to the top he wouldn’t mind.

“I need the shining stone with blue light oozing from it at that corner” “What?”

“Are you going to help now or you just going to sit here and wait like a piece of crap!” Rig sighed and make a move to get what the dwarf want and so he think this is the only material he need, no there is more.

Rig grunt every time he is asked to get more stuff.

“Alright, that should work now. Go and try it.” The dwarf step aside.

Rig get into the lever and turned the handler and it move. It works at last.

“Well look at that, aint dwarf works is some magic.”

“It sure is.” Rig have to agree on that, the dwarf just make it out of nowhere.

“What your name dwarf.” “Brok!” The dwarf shout from the ground.

“..Alright Brok, thanks for the help. Appreciate it.” Rig look down and said.

“Aren’t you Heimdall?” That’s doesn’t sound like a question to him.

For some reason he hestitated. He is not going to use the fake name the witch gave to him but Mimir said when he was Heimdall he is prick to everyone.

This can be change, he is not what they think he is anymore, everyone is capable of changing.

“Yes, I am. I’m Heimdall.” At last he decided to abandon that fake name Rig.

He do like his name Rig though, but continue to call himself Rig make him sick.

”I guess I’m going to see you more you little turd.”

Reaching to the highest, he can see the top of the mountain now.

He started to running toward to reach the mountain. It come to the hard part, there is no stair for him to walk to the top, the last few step he is going to be break free form the spell.

Grunted loudly, he try to think of a wait. No he can ask the dwarf nor that Kratos and Mimir nearby.

“You gotta be kidding me.” Looking at his only hand. This is not going to stop him, he will do it if he have to.

He can see there are lot of overgrown root dangling from the top, biting on the root and one hand start moving up, he start to climb, with mouth take place of the lose arm.

There are time he almost fall, but it didn’t stop him.

“God damn it!” Reached the top he lay on the ground and pant.

So, here he is. The final moment he will be free from the spell. Standing on the top of the mountain, he has the shell in his hand now.

Thinking of her, all the thing she did to make him suffer, but also all the good time they have, how she always look out for him.

It’s really just a lie isn’t? He think again, feeling numb.

Sunlight now shine on the mountain, holding his hand high with the shell.

The sunlight shine into the crystal like shell and soon he can feel some power inside, ready to burst out and it did.

A power that is so great it break free from the shell and shattered it, he fell to the ground from the force and right at he open his eyes the golden energy flow into his eyes.

“AHHHH!!!” It hurt so much he struggle on the ground.

Right after the energy flow into  his eyes, he fell the power of it, he can hear and see so far so many details its overwhelming.

The next thing come in, which is his memories of everything, Asgard, father, brothers, duty, Gjallarhorn, Gulltoppr, Atreus, Kratos and her!

Overwhelm with the foresight, Heimdall try to calm himself down and shut of his sense.

That was his wife.

Heimdall sitting on the ground and try to process the excessive information that flow back to him.

“Shit.” Heimdall eyes now is fuel with bifrost, a golden color shine like his brother Tyr or Mimir.

The spell his father put on him is no longer on him. The spell that keep him to read his father mind, he knew long time ago his sensed something from his father, the loyality to Asgard and his people, but before Heimdall can know more, the spell already casted on him. A gift his father said.

At the last part of his memories is Kratos strangle him to dead.

“Kratos” Heimdall frowned, at this point he not sure if he still hate him cause he knew what his father did but still doesn’t change the fact that Kratos killed him.

Heimdall stand up and look down the mountain.

The small cottage is not visible from here, it was deep in the middle of the wood. Heimdall have to get back to her.

The whole time she was his wife, wanting to know why his wife did this Heimdall trying to read her from this far as he located the cottage in his mind, but he can’t sense anything like there is no one alive in the small house nor that he can sense here anywhere nearby the house too.

Heimdall getting nervous of what happened.

Using the same way Heimdall lower down to the lever and start to get down back to the mine.

“Look like you get what you wanted!” Brok spoke.

“Hey you dwarf! Open up a passage let me back to my house!” Heimdall said in hurried.

“You really just changed like that huh, is your manner went like the goat fart in the hurricane?!”

“Look, I’m not in the mood to argue with you dwarf—I mean- Brok. I need to get back now!” Heimdall trying to sound polite.

Brok mumbling something and he walk to grab a stone and tossed to him.

“Now, grab on the stone and think of the place you want to go and say Hvergi and your fat ass will end up landing the place you want to be you very welcome!”

With no hestitation, Heimdall think of the cottage in the forest of Midgard.

“Hvergi!” A bright blue portal open behind him and he fell in.

Fell on the ground is the familiar cold. The small cottage is still the same but something is different, he can’t sense anyone inside.

Open the door, he can’t find her at all, but a letter on the table under the small wood carved of himself.

Reading on the letter Heimdall feel the pain and tear threaten to fall.

That was a Vanir spell to she learn from Freya, use it to bring him back.

Getting all this four part of his soul to revive him. But knowing the moment she revive him, he is just going to be control again by Odin his father blind him with fake lies and soon he is going to go after Kratos again.

She decided to do more than just revive him.

She pull out every memories and power from his body and put in the container that was forged with bond of her soul, because of that she will die the moment he gain back his memories and power that break the shell, due to the soul binding to the shell, her soul would not be able to reach the light of Alfheim.

The more Heimdall read the more it hurt him, she went to that extend to make sure he will be free from his father curse.

Tear dropping on the letter, causing the word to blur out.

Looking at her last three word.

He cries silently.

Heimdall sitting outside of the the cottage, letting the snows to fall and cover him.

Despite of getting back everything, he seems lifeless than before.

He just killed the one who loved him the most and the last thing he said to her is so unkind - monster.

Heimdall been sitting the same spot for a long time, he can’t stop thinking of what he done.

These two years was the happiest time of his life, the last gift she gave to him out of love.

“Don’t leave me alone..” No one answer Heimdall but the cold wind.

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“Allfather, there is a situation outside the wall. You need to see it.” Sif said in a hurry.

“Sif, what’s the matter? Is everything fine in the new Midgard?”

“The refugees is fine, but someone unusual come.” It alert Odin, no one able to reach Asgard without him notice or agreement.

After the Ragnarok, thing turn into a way Odin never thought of, a long-term truce between the enemies, as long as Odin would not interfere the affairs in other realms and withdraw all his soldiers back, they will not attack on Asgard.

Seeing the opportunity to extend his time and his obsession on the mask, he too saw fit to agree.

So the Ragnarok was ended even before it can start, it seems like this is also the reason the winter in Midgard never stop too.

Odin transported by his raven landed in the new Midgard, try to see what Sif has told him the unusual someone.

Sensing someone from his back, hand on his spear ready if the stranger make a move.

“All father” The familiar voice.

“Heimdall?” Odin is shocked to see him standing infront alive.

Heimdall cover  himself with a rag he grab from his house trying to keep his profile low, Odin notice something different from him apart the missing limb.

His eyes its no longer with the loyalty spell he put on him.

“Heimdall! My son!” Odin trying to hug Heimdall, but Heimdall move a step backward.

Odin speechless at him, dropped his hand to his side.

“Where have you been? I sent out the einherjar to find you but no one can find you.”

Heimdall knowing what his father thinking, instead of tearing his father fake mask, he play along.

“I was saved by my wife. She kept me save in a small place in Midgard to heal me back to live.”

“For two years?” Odin question his son.

“Yes.”

“Well.. I don’t know what to say son, but I’m happy that you are back. Come come, it’s been a long time you back to home” Odin put handle on Heimdall’s shoulder.

Home, the word only sound right when he back to the small cottage in the Midgard with his wife together, work together, hunt and eat together, time flies and now they become the most precious memories to him.

“All father”   “Thor! Look at who I found today! Heimdall! He is back to home.” Odin said.

“Heimdall..”   “Thor.” Heimdall call out.

“Where the hell have you been, do you know the shit we been through to gain the peace?! Where the hel have you been!!” Thor enraged by the Heimdall, especially seeing how calm he is after all these time disappear.

Thor was one of them who search for Heimdall, in fact he is the one search for longest even the Einherjar retreated to Asgard, he did fall back to drink for quite some time because of it too.

Yes their family is dysfunctional, but Thor deep down still care for his brother despite them being reckless, ruthless, being on enemies side or went insane.

Heimdall know how Thor feel toward him too, his abilities can read it from his mind that in Asgard other than his wife, Thor is the one care about him the most.

“Answer me!!” Enraged Thor grab on Heimdall’s rag and pull toward him.

Thor’s eyes are fuel with rage, maybe the next second he might throw Mjolnir at him, but Heimdall know he wouldn’t cause his foresight didn’t see that in the path.

“Enough Thor!!” Odin ordered Thor to stop.

“Heimdall is back, this is the only important thing!”

Heimdall know the meaning behind this, so he can be his pawn again and use as he see fit, not caring even a little for his sons.

Baldur wouldn’t die if he genuinely care.

Heimdall keep his thought to himself, he have to be smart this time, couldn’t let his father to has the chance to place a hand on him again.

“Come on son, we got to celebrate! This is a good news to Asgard. The guardian of the realm is back!” What a lovely title his father gave to him.

“I’m not here to feast. I’m just here to talk and I will have to go.”

“Why son? You just back.” Odin sound confused, but he know his father is smart, everything he do is just an act.

“I have to get my wife back.”

“What happened to her? Is she alright?” His father asked.

“..She die in the process of saving me.”

Not trusting his father anymore, Heimdall tell him half true and half lie. She did died because of him.

“I’m so sorry son, I’m sorry really.” Odin trying to comfort him.

Not wanting to continue this conversation with his father.

“Thor, Where is Sif?”

“Why you ask, she is in the mead hall.”

Not wanting to waste his time, he walk out.

“Son, where are you going?”    “I will be back to Asgard again.”

Odin feeling frustrated but not stopping him, with no spell on him its hard to make him listen.

Now Asgard is in peace, Odin don’t feel the urge to need his son to stay, he could go as he please but when time come he sure will put collar back on him again, that's the promise Odin think to himself. Not wanting to waste his time, Odin back to his study continue his obsession on the mask.

“Heimdall. You are back”

“Sif, there are something I need your favour.” Sif is surprise this is the Heimdall he know, the way he look and talk now is so different to how he used to be.

“If a person die due to the spell that bonding their soul is broken, will there be a chance they can be save?” Sif is shocked at the question he asked, not wanting to question why he asked.

“Heimdall, If that person die of because of the spell broken, their soul will be gone too, there won’t make it to Alfheim and they won’t be going to Vahalla either.”

She hate to break this news to him, he look very desparate and eyes full of sorrow that he never seen from him before, but he have to know.

“I’m sorry Heimdall, whoever you are trying to bring back is gone.”

“You are the goddess of earth and family, surely there is something you can do!” Heimdall raising his voice, not able to see it through and he refuse to accept the fate his wife is gone and not even her soul can be find.

“Heimdall, I’m sorry there is nothing I can do, perhaps the only person that can help you is All-father former wife.”

“I asked Freya before..she can’t help.”

“If she can’t, what make you think I can? Heimdall you need to face the reality. No one ever gone like this can be bring back.”

Sif touch his shoulder before she left. Left Heimdall standing there not moving at all.

After that, Heimdall just left Asgard, without saying a word to anyone.

He back to the small cottage, no one know why, but he keep staying there for the past few months.

Perhaps he trying to cope with the sadness of losing his dear one.

His hair is growing longer, not caring to shave, his bread grow too.

He’s been writing lot of letter, all the thing he was going to say to his wife.

How much he miss her and how much he love her and will bring her back no matter what.

There are so many letter it’s literally everywhere, a spark will start up a big fire to burn this whole house down.

The winter in Midgard stopped not long ago too, as if the winter stopped cause Heimdall is back, perhaps it’s really the reason.

Grass around the house is growing, the sunshine on the greenery field make it look a heaven.

If only his wife can see it. Sometime Heimdall just sit at the small port they made, wait his love that will never be back again.

Not sure how long it has been, he back to Asgard again, this time it seems Heimdall will leave again for a quite a long time before he will be back again.

“Thor.”

“The hel you scare me, don’t just suddenly shows up like this” Thor getting scared by his sudden appearance.

“What is it this time? You decide to come back and pick up your duty again?”

“No, I’m going to leave to earth for a long time, I won’t be back soon.”

“Earth? You mean Midgard?”

“No, the other Earth.”

“What the hel you want to-”

“To find my wife.”

“Heimdall, you really can’t just accept it don’t you.” Thor does not understand his brother action at all. How long he will be away this time? Ten years? Hundred years?

“..”Heimdall not giving him any answer cause his brother already know.

“Just come back once you done. Don’t be too long.”

“Before I leave, I need you to make sure Asgard will be safe.”

Although Heimdall been betray by his father but his love to this realm is still the same.

This place is also the place him and his wife used to live their lives.

Now to think back, he was so naïve back then and not knowing the time they spent is so short and precious.

“..I will, I will take care of Asgard.” Thor answered.

Heimdall about to go.

“And watch over father, make sure he didn’t do anything reckless this time.” Thor watch Heimdall walking away.

“Thank you, Thor.”

That’s was the last word Heimdall say before he teleport.

Thor is surprised by his brother being polite and appreciate others help, not knowing how to react, Thor started to laugh loudly.

His younger brother sure changed a lot.

No one know how long Heimdall has gone. five years? ten years? Or way longer than that.

The small cottage now is covered with overgrown grasses, the rooftop is full of big hole, water leaking in. Weed and fungus growing inside making their new kingdom.

Now it just looks like the ruins near by the house.

Heimdall standing on the seashore, he reached the earth.

Walking follows the line of waves he watches the sun set.

He who so eagle-eyed that he can see the least movement a hundred leagues away.

He who can hear grass growing and the sound of wool on a sheep’s back growing.

Away from his home Asgard, come to the earth, searching the soul of his dear one.

One day he might bring his love one back to Asgard with him.

To rejoice with his love one.

--   The End   --

[witchersmistress]

The Damned and The Damage

Hello Darlings!! can anyone else here this gif or is it just me?? anyway shall we progress with Harper and August?

Trigger warnings: angry, masturbation, rage, lots of it, absolute mindnumbingness. fustration, lack of self love

Word count: 3.8 K

as per usual you do not have permission to use my work, translate my work or copy it, if you do i'll find you a haunt you for the rest of your days

Harper’s POV

I don’t count the days. I know there’s something wrong with me, that this isn’t normal, but I can’t muster enough fucks to do anything about it. When the Phantom hands me a box with a brand-new iPhone, the latest model, and tells me to text whoever, I don't. No one is looking for me. I didn't bother telling him I had a third-hand phone that shut itself off for no reason, couldn’t hold a charge, and had so many cracks in the screen I could barely read an email. It makes no difference what phone I have, if I have one at all. I don’t use it except when he tells me to check in with him while he is gone. Days go by, then weeks. I know work is coming to an end, but it doesn’t matter anymore.

 Mr. D will have pulled my sponsorship, and I wouldn’t be able to face the Walkers and their friends who came back for me that night. work seems trivial and pointless like everything else. It would take effort I can’t give, and so, I don’t. One night, when I wake up mewling like some pathetic, drowning kitten, crying that they’re coming back for me, the Phantom holds me against his warm chest and tells me he’ll keep me safe, that no one will find me here if I don’t go outside. He thinks I’m scared, that I’m hiding like he is, but I’m not. I just don’t have the fight in me to leave. So, I stay. He doesn’t lock me in or even try to convince me not to go. I’m not a prisoner. I could walk out. I even went to the clinic when he told me, the pharmacy where they sent me. I took the antibiotics he handed me each day. But there’s no reason to leave again. I can exist in this neat, orderly space as well as anywhere else. Better. No one demands answers for what’s wrong with me. No one asks for things I can’t give, for me to make impossible choices. The Phantom asks so little in return for this haven in which I can exist in the bubble he’s created, not taking up any space in the world. Maybe we’re both phantoms. He feeds me, putting my food before me and taking it away when he’s done eating, never commenting on how much or little I’ve eaten. After dinner, we go onto the roof where he trims and waters flowers, sprays plants, and admires his garden. Sprouts have grown into plants, and the older ones come alive as if to show them the way—the saw-like leaves of one produce a stalk with clusters of white flowers that hang like bells; orange blossoms like curling starfish emerge from another. I won't go to the edge again. I don’t care enough to jump. I sit in the chair where he tells me to sit, like the good girl he tells me I am. When it’s time to go inside, he brings me back in. He measures me one day, touching my body with possessive thoroughness, detached and entitled, as if I’m a doll and not a human.

He runs his thumb over the silky burn scar on my hip, checks my healed hand, sets my birth control pill on the bedside table each morning. I am another plant to him, a fixture, something to tend. He cuts my fingernails, paints my toenails. He dyes my hair a richer, dark-chocolate brown, irons it straight, and brushes it in front of the only mirror in the house, on the inside of his closet door, while watching a tutorial on how to fix it in different styles. He puts a ring through my belly button and buys me makeup and a bag to keep it in. He calls me his good girl. Soon, among his usual deliveries, more clothes for me arrive—a padded bra with heavy gel inserts that make me more evenly proportioned, skirts and dresses that hug and accentuate my curves without looking trashy. I know they must be expensive, and I’ve never had clothes made for my body that fit me so well. The style is nothing I’d choose for myself, though. They’re rich girl clothes. But then I realize I don’t know what I’d choose anymore. I’m not the girl who liked tiny cut-offs that showed her thigh tattoos, who wore combat boots and hoodies. I don’t know who I am. So I try on this girl the Phantom wants me to be.

He watches with arrogant indulgence, picking out the things he doesn’t like to send back. I look at the straight-haired girl in the mirror with tits that balance her hips, with a tiny waist and red-soled shoes. I wonder if she’ll ever be me again. Every morning and evening, he fucks me quickly and efficiently as I lay there not moving, letting him extract his payment. I’m the whore August always said I was. Once, he slides up on the bed next to me when he’s done. “Want me to finish you off?” he asks. “This isn’t the kind of relationship where I’ll eat you out, but I have a vibrator and a couple clit stimulators.” My stomach clenches with revulsion, almost panic, at a memory I won’t let form. I shake my head quickly. I don’t want or need pleasure. I’d rather just lie here, my body hollow except for what he puts inside me.

August POV

She’s not fucking here. I stand at the base of what I’m pretty sure is the tree where we left her. It’s hard to tell. It’s rained since then, and the water is higher, and judging by the rumbles in the distance, it’s about to get even higher. I bought a pair of thick waders that make me look like I belong on a whaling ship, and I spend the weekends mucking through a fucking swamp, shooting snakes and being drained dry by mosquitos. There is no sign of anyone in the swamp but me. Fuck Harper. She doesn’t fucking matter. She doesn’t deserve this much attention. I should be at the bridge, where someone important died. I should be mourning Crystal, thinking of Crystal. Fuck this shit. I wade out of the swamp, tear off the waders, and hurl them in the back of the Range Rover, not caring if swamp sludge splatters on the back of my seat. I see the blanket there, the one I fucked Harper on so many times. The one I wrapped around her body to keep her warm all through winter. A picture of it hugging her curves rises to my mind, the way it slipped off her thick thighs, showing that fucking tattoo… I climb into the driver’s seat and slam the door, banging my head down on the top of the steering wheel. I’m fucking hard just thinking about her. What the fuck is wrong with me? I peel out, turn around at the next exit, and drive back toward home under the bruise-black sky. Harper doesn’t deserve a place in my memory. What she did goes so far past betrayal, a cut so deep it could never heal. She found a way, and broke the last pieces of my sanity. All along, I thought I was biding my time until I broke her. But she broke me first. I pull up behind a shitty little sedan in her driveway and glance up at the gathering storm clouds.

 Her neighbors are outside, the girl with dingy blue hair and the little kid, who’s prancing around in a hula hoop, wearing shorts and a bikini top that hangs oddly on her flat chest. The doors to their car stand open, and a song that I can only hope the kid doesn’t understand is spilling out from the crackly speakers. I imagine what my mother would say, and I smile at them as I circle my car to grab the box of Harper’s things I bought, as if this were a normal breakup. The blue-haired girl gives me a dirty look, an unlit cigarette drooping from the corner of her mouth. The little kid stops dancing, the hoop clattering to the cracked walkway at her feet. “She ain’t here,” she calls. “So you can go on back home!” The blue-haired girl cuts her eyes at her sister, but she doesn’t say anything. She watches me with sullen eyes and fishes a lighter from her pocket to light up. The low clouds have started spitting rain, and the air is thick and heavy with moisture. The little girl is standing on the roof of the car, dancing in the rain to another song no kid should be listening to. “Yeah, you go on and go home!” Her high voice cuts through the splattering rain. “You ain’t welcome here, on account of you broke Harper’s heart.” Ignoring her, I hurry to get into my Range Rover and climb inside, slamming the door to shut out the rain and the girl and the feeling of that house that clings to me like the skin-crawling sensation of dirt and grime and sweat after a football game. Trash, all of them. Just like Harper. I try to keep that thought in mind instead of feeling like the piece of shit I am, running from them like a guilty conscience. I take a few deep breaths, telling myself I’m imagining the stench of her life lingering around me. Then I shift into drive and take off, back toward the side of town where the rottenness makes sense to me. I don’t go home, though. I keep going, toward old man Darling’s house, the one where we went after I disowned Crystal but before she died.

I pull off at the bridge. This is where I belong. Honoring the memory of a girl who deserves my remorse. The first girl I killed, two and a half years ago. Grey drizzle splatters down on the windshield. It’s not the kind of rain that fell on the night the river took Crystal. It’s the kind that was falling the night Harper came to our house the first time, thinking she’d spy. She was good at finding my hiding spots, the places I go to remember, to prove they don’t hurt me. I have mastered this place the way I mastered Devlin’s balcony. His house is gone now, and Harper can’t haunt his balcony, but she haunts the river. I left her in the swamp, but her ghost is here. It’s in the rain on the windshield, the blanket in the trunk. It’s under the bridge, where we lay and talked and fucked. It’s on the far side of the bridge, where we fought the Darlings, and where I pushed her down and fucked her ass the first time. It’s in the back seat of this car, where I plowed into her and made her scream for me while her cunt choked my cock in its grip. I lean the seat back and slide my hand into my pants. My cock is stiff, my balls ready to dump their contents into her thirsty core. I pull out my phone and thumb it on. I think of what her mother said. I scroll down to her name and read our last OnlyWords messages. 

August: meet u at ur locker after work 

BadApple: c u then 

It’s so normal. So ordinary. I press the button and shut off my screen. I should delete the whole thread, erase any evidence I ever knew her. Instead, I opened the regular texting app that uses our phone numbers, the one we hardly used. It only takes a minute to scroll back all those months, to the first text she sent. It’s a picture of her in my leather jacket, the pic I asked for over Thanksgiving. My dick jerks in my hand, and I close my eyes and take a breath, as if I can coax the smell of her from these leather seats where she lay so many times. But no. That was a different car. She’s only been in this one once—her last night. When I open my eyes, though, she’s still there. She’s not showing a lot of skin. She never sent nudes. That only makes me want to see more, to peel open the jacket and see her tight little tits with the pale pink nipples poking out at me. She’s not wearing anything under it, but only an inch of skin shows between the buttons of the jacket. An inch of flat stomach, the little dip of her bellybutton like a tease. Below the jacket, she’s wearing tiny athletic shorts, knee socks. Her hair is messy around her shoulders, and she’s smiling into the camera, a sassy smirk that tugs at one corner of her lips. But it’s her eyes that seduced me then, her eyes that entice me now. I stroke myself, but it’s not enough. I need her, need to crush her little body under mine, to pin it and penetrate her and hear her gasping for mercy. I look at her picture, and I scroll through the others, tugging at my dick until my skin is rubbed raw, but I can’t find relief. My balls are so full they ache. I just need one little push, but I can’t close the deal. Finally, I throw my phone across the car and slam my head back against the seat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I came here as a remembrance of Crystal, not to masturbate to pictures of a girl who used me in her little games, told her sick old man how big my dick was, how I performed, how I licked her cunt until she gushed all over my face, her soft cries a siren song to my ears. I turn on the car and wrench the wheel around, heading back through the colorless, waterlogged evening. Just when I thought I couldn’t sink any lower, I found a new way to surprise myself. Like a fucking serial killer, I just jerked off while looking at pictures of the girl I murdered.

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

don't wait for tumblr to give u more tags. go off about tony and steve and zola pls i am humbly requesting

As a part of my ongoing war on my ask box this is a very old post regarding a tumblr tag essay i made forever ago. i half answered this ask when it came in and then forgot to finish. without further ado:

Anon is talking about this post about Steve and Tony’s relationship. I HIGHLY recommend the original post it's great but i copied the original tags essay below since it's been so long since the ask arrived.

#I feel like anyone who writes Tony stark for marvel should have to go watch bojack horseman first as like a mandatory assignment#because that show understood the premise of Tony stark better than any MCU writer ever has and it wasn’t even writing for tony stark#in sum bojack horseman follows the titular bojack who is a washed up 90s sitcom television star#bojack himself is extremely self destructive and the show follows him as his selfish and egotistical tendencies erode at his relationships#However bojack himself is an extremely sympathetic character. his harmful acts are all tied very directly to the trauma of his life#he’s a survivor of generational abuse whose own substance abuse problems stem from the fact that he was in such a neglectful environment#that he had started drinking at an INCREDIBLY young age got himself sober only to relapse due to a spiked drink after fame

#this sympathic is increased by the fact that he does geninuinely love and care for his friends and often goes to extreme lengths to show it#but what the show understands that MCU writers dont is that his tragic past doesn’t excuse the harm or pain he causes and the show goes to#LABORIOUS extents to emphasize the consequences and suffering his actions cause in his attempt towards making amends#it is FASINCATING to me that MCU just fails to grasp this because it’s really the core of Tony’s character. his story is one of redemption#and regret. but what it never seemed to get is that requires recognition of wrongs and change and his relationship with steve is a prime ex.#when they meet tony is 40+ and Steve is 23-25. steve has been awake from world war 2 for less than 2 weeks everyone he loves is dead and hes#visibly haunted by his time in the ice. his ptsd flashbacks to crashing the plane is how his character is introduced. Tony spends the time

#calling him ‘capsicle’ and talking about how much he can’t stand steve. the narrative plays it off as a gaff of little consequence but#practically speaking that’s INSANE. like can you imagine you’re a traumatized war vet who got out of a coma 2 months ago and woke up to#discover everyone you ever loved is dead and this stranger twice your age at your new work nicknames you coma boy and hates your guts bc of#his daddy issues? like Tony in avengers is borderline cruel but the narrative and the fandom never acknowledge it. it’s like removing the#laugh track on a scene from one of those old sitcoms and realizing how mean it is. and while we can fully acknowledge that Howard hurt Tony#that doesn’t make it Steve’s fault and doesn’t give Tony the license to take it out on him. like at the end of the day your healing is your#responsibility and the MCU fails to grasp that with Tony. honestly it does a disservice to the depth of his character b/c Tony should have#already grown past this by the time of Avengers. he had already gone through iron man 2 and grappled somewhat with his relationship w howard#while that doesn’t mean he’s healed yet it does mean that his character needs to learn to grow past it or he risks stagnation. mcu just#happily embraced stagnation and it made the character worse for it. Theres a scene in the comics where Tony is the first to reach out to#Steve post ice. he takes him to the air&space museum and welcomes him to the future. THATS the growth we want. Bc fundamentally even if we

#sympathize for Tony’s abuse by Howard lashing out at someone who was functionally dead at the time of ur dads mistakes is a very juvenile#mindset. /growth/ is deciding to be better than the person who hurt you and the MCUs obsession with blaming Steve for howard cut that off#CW would have been SO MUCH MORE COMPELLING if Tony had formed a relationship with Steve bc Steve would be torn between past and present but#instead Tony is saying how much he hated Steve during the fucking movie and Steve’s taking it with grace. like you’re 50 man you gotta work#past this at some point. out of tags but I have Opinions about Tony and actually zola too but we won’t get there give me more tags tumblr

Fundamentally, my issue with Tony and how he's written for the MCU is that he has the potential for one of greatest redemption arcs ever and the writers are fucking allergic to giving it to him, and his dynamic with Steve is a a prime example of it. How poorly Steve's relationship with Tony was mishandled is a pretty perfect case study as to how Tony as a character was mishandled as a whole.

As stated in the Tumblr Tags Essay above, by the time Steve came on the scene, Tony should have already grown past his hate for Steve. To be clear, that is not saying he should have gotten over Howard or any harm that he suffered as a result of his. Howard was his parent who was, to some degree, at least emotionally neglectful, if not abusive. Healing and learning helping coping mechanisms does not demand you forgive your abuser.

But Steve was never his abuser. He's a 20-something year old guy who has been trapped in a block of ice for Tony's entire life and who woke up two weeks ago to find out that everyone he ever loved is dead or suffering from alzheimer's and that his sacrifice was for nothing because he was just told the thing he drove a fucking plane into the fucking arctic over is Back Again Because We Learned Nothing.

And the thing is that the realization that "This man can hold literally no complicity in my abuser because he was frozen in the Arctic Circle the entire time" requires a level of emotional maturity you generally achieve at the age of thirteen or so. Tony is fucking fifty. Mentally, he's over twice Steve's age. At absolute best, the way Tony treats Steve from the outset is immature and more accurately it's downright cruel. Voluntarily killing himself by driving a plane into ice only to wake up and discover that he has lost everyone he ever loved is undoubtedly one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to steve, and he just woke up from it. He is two weeks out from this. He's actively having flashbacks of what happened right before Tony starts cracking jokes about it. It'd be like if Steve walked up to Tony right after he got back from Afghanistan and called him Waterboarding Boy and everyone treated it like it was a cutesy character trait.

That's one of the most egregious parts of how Tony's character is written--things that are objectively things that need to be addressed in his character arc area treated like acceptable and borderline justified quirks in his personality. Tony's relationship with his father is one of the cornerstones of his backstory and who he became. While he doesn't have to forgive his father on the road to recovery, he does have to realize when he's using it as an excuse to hurt others and stop it.

That's also something he never does, and one of the reasons why i think that the writers for him need to watch Bojack horseman. In the same movie he's claiming to that he was Steve's friend, he's still saying to his face how much he fucking hated him over things that happened when Steve was supposed to have martyred himself to save the world.

There's multiple parts of Tony's character that could have formed the basis of an amazing character arc if he grew and improved from them, but the narrative refused to even recognize them as problems, let alone have him overcome them, and his relationship with Steve is a perfect example of it. The writer's refusal to recognize that brings down the quality of his entire arc and cheapens him as a character.

If Tony had been allowed to recognize that Steve was not to blame for his father, accepted it, and given a man half his age who just lost everything a lifeline, that would have shown an amazing amount of growth. Instead, they left him as immature and cruel. It's a shame and an insult to the potential of his character, and it's a mistake that they repeat again and again. Tony was supposed to be completely against developing weapons for others, but he canonically helped build a major part of Project Insight. Tony's entire stance in Civil War was meant to show that he had accepted that he made mistakes and that he needed to be held accountable for his actions, but then he went and unilaterally built EDITH, whose existence violates multiple international treaties including the Accords and had so few safety precautions that a teenaged boy was able to accidentally call out a missile strike on his teenaged classmate. He's in a movie where he's driven by his guilt for causing the death of someone's college-aged son, and in that same movie he blackmails a high-school-aged boy to join in on a fight he knows nothing about, that goes directly against his interests, and could get him killed even if he was certain that Team Cap wouldn't use lethal force. Rhodey got paralyzed from the waist down from friendly fire. Tony had a moment in the same fight where he had reason to fear that Peter had been injured if not killed.

Ultimately, Tony's entire character is built on a foundation of repentance and growth. That's why he has so much potential and why he's so compelling. The fact that his writers were unable to recognize when he even needed to repent, let alone allow him to grow, was honestly insulting to what he could have been.

Zola:

The reference to Zola is actually more of a response to fandom’s response to Zola as a whole than the actual specific person who made the comment.

Overall, the majority of fandom response that I've seen just seemed to be sort of besides the point? The thing about Armin Zola working for SHIELD is that I personally have only seen discussion about this in context of talking about how Peggy and Howard are Bad or talking about how steve would feel betrayed when he discovered it. To be honest most of the discourse I’ve seen has just been about hating Peggy Carter and using this as a sledgehammer in that discussion.

It’s not that I disagree with that reading of it—like, I do think Steve felt betrayed by the realization that Zola was recruited in the end, and I think it’s bad to have recruited literal Nazis—but I do think that fandom elevated the most tangential point of it to the detriment of its entire narrative purpose. I've only ever personally seen it used in character discourse and shipping wars--which like, anyone can draw on any plot point they so choose while participating in fandom. But Zola's recruitment was the thematic core of Winter Soldier, and it always seemed kinda weird to me that it was treated as a personal defect in Howard and Peggy when it was the entire argument of the movie and one of the best social commentaries that the MCU ever made.

Zola gives what I think is one of the better MCU villain speeches in the bunker about how Hydra recovered after the war. He states that they realized that taking the freedom of the world by force only galvanised people against them. It led to their own downfall. But he explains that Hydra realized that the people of the world would freely give away their own rights and freedoms if you made them comfortable. If you say you’re doing it for their own safety and comfort, then they’ll effectively look the other way while Hydra seizes control of the world. And that entire monologue is bolstered by the fact that that is exactly what happened in Zola’s case.

Zola was brought into SHIELD as a part of operation paperclip. Operation Paperclip was a post-war initiative by the United States government to recruit key Nazi scientists into United States scientific development. This entire initiative was brought about in response to the Cold War arm’s race and it was justified on the basis of dire national security need. Both America and the Soviet Union were EXTREMELY CONCERNED about losing the cold war. As a result, they were willing to take pretty much any strategic advantage they could, including After, President Truman, who gave the final go-ahead for the initiative, said that "this had to be done and was done."

Even after it became public knowledge, it was defended as more of a necessary evil and the cost of the practicalities of governance than a world power welcoming war criminals with open arms. Multiple participants have been linked to human experimentation, slave labor factories, etc, though none were ever formally found guilty of anything--which may be because the US aggressively whitewashed their pasts and then went so far as to help relocate one of the members of the initiative to Argentina.

This was, again, all a part of the Cold War arms race with the USSR--who had an identical program going at the same time, Operation Osoaviakhim.

En arguendo, let's just assume that all of this was done with the best possible intentions and execution. The nominal rationale was the Cold War. While analyzing the Red Scare and the entire Cold War period would take way too long, I think a solid premise we can agree on is that nuclear war is bad. It would have been disastrous for anyone alive if the Cold War had escalated, and recruiting top scientists from the Nazi regime 1) kept the USSR from doing it instead, which they were actively doing, and 2) helped prevent strategic advantage in one country or another that may have led to an escalation. Now, I'm not a historian, and all of these premises can naturally be debated, but these were the like, best faith premises that world leaders had at the time. If you want a nuclear deterrent, you need the biggest stick.

The thing is that, if you assume these premises as genuine for the sake of the argument, the absolute best this leaves you with is doing a very bad thing for a very important government purpose. You're supposedly preventing nuclear war, but you're doing so at the cost of justice for all the people who suffered at the hands of these people, and the risk of future harm that they may cause.

Which, thematically, is the core of the Winter Soldier.

I've usually seen Zola's recruitment discussed in terms of Peggy or Howard making the decision to let him in, when in reality, they probably didn't make the call themselves so much as become complicit in it later. Zola was captured and recruited right at the end of CA:FA (he later clocks this at 1945) but Peggy and Howard didn't even have an organization at that point, let alone the power to recruit a head Nazi scientist. This was two decades before SHIELD was ever founded, and if we take the Agent Carter series as binding canon, at the time of Zola's transition into American government would, Peggy had so little sway that she couldn't even get anyone to listen to her, let alone recruit a nazi scientist, and Howard was potentially on the run and definitely not involved in any formal governmental decision making. Even if you assume that they were somehow in charge of a government agency at the time of Zola's recruitment, the actual recruitment and function of Operation Paperclip was conducted by independent agencies (Joint Intelligence Objectives Agency and the Counterintelligence Corps) that Peggy and Howard weren't a part of, and the person who made the call for Operation Paperclip itself was The Literal President Of The United States. Whatever way you cut it, Peggy and Howard probably had nothing to do with Zola's initial recruitment--what most likely happened was that two decades passed (the time between Zola's recruitment and SHIELD's founding) and when resources were being allocated some big-shot in the overseeing body was like Yeah You Do Weird Stuff? We Got A Guy Who's Been Doing Weird Stuff For Us For Like Twenty Years and then when Peggy and Howard saw him they were like Oh Its This Motherfucker.

To be clear, this is not at all to absolve howard and peggy for working with a guy they knew did literal human experimentation because he did it on one of their best friends. But this is to more clearly reframe it from Decision They Personally Made to The Ways Being At A Certain Level Of Government Makes You Complicit With Horrible Things, which perfectly encapsulates the heart of the movie.

At the open of the movie, Steve is visibly on a fucking ledge with SHIELD. Fuck, Fury and Nat spend most of the opening trying to keep him from flying the coop. And it's because Steve for the very first time has to grapple with the consequences of being an active participant in a governmental body.

Straight up--Steve spent the entire war going AWOL. His entire military career was spent doing what he wanted and flipping his superior officers the bird. The man was a terrible fucking soldier but by the time anyone figured it out they had already given him a comic book and the Medal of Honor and the man could bench press a tank it was simply too late. Then, he got encased in ice for 70 years, woke up, had two weeks of fun future integration activities like Not Getting Therapy For His Problems and Looking At Pictures Of His Dead Friends, got tapped in because they fucked up with the exact thing he lost everything to stop, immediately went AWOL again, almost died again, went on a roadtrip of self discovery, and at some point between then and CAWS started working as one of the main STRIKE members of SHIELD. This is likely his first time having to ever deal with the realities of being a hand of the government.

One of the most insidious things about high-level government work is there's rarely some Main Guy sitting behind a desk signing Evil Decrees and responsible for everything. Power is allocated and things get messy very quickly.

Take Ghost for example. One of SHIELD'S Main Guys falls out with another Guy, smears his name, which makes the Ex-Guy so desperate that he takes unnecessary risks in his experiments that predictably blow up in his face and leads to his young daughter having a debilitating power that results in her uncontrollably phasing through objects. Another Guy tries to do the right thing and help her, but Other Main Guys think "This kid would make a GREAT assassin" and leverage a cure for her debilitating health condition into turning her into a forced operative. This health condition starts to kill her, but the Main Guys were so happy with their new forced assassin that they never looked for a cure to begin with and was going to use her until she died. She goes rather reasonably goes AWOL, and in her attempts to cure herself, she's willing to do just about anything to get cured, and including contemplating kidnapping Scott's daughter as an option.

Steve obviously wasn't called in to help with that (he was AWOL himself at that point) but assume he was--he would only get pulled into this mess at the very end when all the damage is done and there's a highly unstable assassin kidnapping little girls. SHIELD was at fault for every horrible thing that happened to this person. He has a strong sense of justice, and he'd likely to be furious to find out that SHIELD took an orphanged child and abused their incredibly painful and terminal medical condition, which was indirectly caused by them, in order to force them into becoming a highly skilled operative.

But there isn't just one person that he'd be able to find and blame for what happened with this--culpability was stretched out over Multiple Main Guys who made bad decisions, a lot of Lower Guys who built the suit, trained her, handled her in the field, and experimented on her to learn her limits, many of whom likely didn't even work for the organization any more.

Who do you go after for that? The Main Guy who smeared her dad? But he didn't have anything to do with the assassin business or the actual accident. The Main Guys who made the calls for the assassination thing? Better candidates, but is it that simple? What about the guys who just get orders every day and have no decision making authority, who were handed a little girl who was vulnerable and in pain and told to train her to kill? What about the ones making a child-sized tactical suit with no details about what was going on but who had reason enough to suspect it wasn't all good? They were just following orders, but so were Nazis working the camps.

How do you go after people for that? Fire them? It's been decades. Most are probably retired. And that's a pretty lame punishment for what they did. He doesn't make the calls for legal action, they definitely have qualified immunity for their decisions, and there's a whole host of problems with proving anything.

But, on the flip side, what does he do about Ghost? what happened to her is terrible, but if she had kidnapped Cassie Lang, he couldn't exactly sit on his hands and let it happen no matter the justification. There's a very good chance he has to stop her and become another link in a chain of what's been a lifetime of abuse. Things get messy when you're just a cog in the machine of a sprawling agency that has a lot of power to abuse.

While we don't know what Steve's been doing while he worked for SHIELD, we do know that it pissed him off to high heavens. The very first thing we see him doing for SHIELD is recapturing the off-course Lemurian Star from pirates, and he is the exact opposite of a dutiful soldier during it. He doesn't just salute and follow his orders without question--one of the first lines of his mouth is calling them out for lying about the ship being in those waters because it was off-course. He's like "Oh, so it's not off course, it's trespassing" to which Nat says "I'm sure they had a good reason" and Steve replies "I'm getting a little tired of being Fury's janitor."

He's saving the hostages, and then all of a sudden he finds Natasha in the control room downloading the drive and realizes that this was about SHIELD's data to begin with but no one clued him in on that fact. He's pissed because the hostages could have died, which is a fact he immediately goes after Fury about.

There is so much character jammed into those few minutes of screen time. This is visibly an old argument--at one point, Fury says to him "It's damn near getting past time for you to get with the program, Cap" to which Steve tells him not to hold his breath. Steve doesn't like or approve of a lot of SHIELD's actions, but he's called in after all the bad things they did went to shit. Like, what's he going to do--say, sorry, the Lemurian Star was obviously Up To Some Shit that I don't want to be a part of, RIP to the hostages but I'm just going to let them get shot in the head? He's the janitor and he's sick of getting called into SHIELD fucking something up through their own immoral actions and calling him to pull their ass out of the fire. He spends the entire first half of the movie on the verge of flying the coop entirely, and Nat and Fury visibly know it and are trying to get him off the ledge in every interaction they have on screen with him--which directly contributes to the fact that Steve doesn't trust either of them for the first half of the movie.

It also is likely the motivator behind why he does ultimately trust Sam. Steve spends the first half of the movie getting Managed. He's increasingly pissed and distrustful of SHIELD and its agents, and he's got good reason to be--Nat and Fury hide things from him and keep trying to persuade him to stick with the program (to be clear Nat's (and to a somewhat lesser extent Fury's) own actions and whether any culpability for things like project insight could possibly be imputed to her has to be analyzed under an entirely different lens due to the difference in her personal history and character type, but this is already way too long to tackle that here. this isn't actually meant to assign blame to her, but more to analyze the likely results on steve). Fury takes him for a tour of his Fascist Death Machine and tells him that's what the world needs. The neighbor he was growing increasingly intimate with was a SHIELD agent who lied to him about her name and the fact that she was spying on him. At the end of the day, the majority of the of the early movie is spent with his desires and principles are treated as secondary and unwanted complications to the fact that they really need him to keep throwing that shield on SHIELD's behalf (whether this is actually what nat and fury specifically are trying to do is, again, a separate analysis we don't have time for, this is just to go to how it likely affects and appears to Steve).

Sam, meanwhile, is beautiful and charming is the only one who openly expresses a genuine concern for Steve as a person and not steve as a solider. Sam spends the entire first half of the movie reaching out to someone in a position he's been in himself and trying to get him help. his entire first meeting with Steve is defined by him trying to help a fellow Vet recover from war. he tries to gauge where Steve's at with the future, invites him to the VA, and packages it in a easily-seen-through excuse that gives them both plausible deniability--Steve can come by and get the help he needs not as Captain America The Man The Myth The Legend Who Is Really Fucking Struggling, but as Steve the guy helping Sam impress the girl at the front desk.

When he comes to the VA, Sam has the direct opposite response that everyone else in the movie has to Steve questioning his place in SHIELD and in government work--he's like "Quit. Quit now. Be free and beautiful like me. become an ultimate fighter or whatever the fuck you want." He doesn't give two shits about what the world will do without Captain America keeping it safe--he just cares about what Steve needs.

This all goes to a greater analysis about how Sam is beautiful and charming the perfect parallel to Steve, the only one who could possibly have taken up his shield, and actually wrong in that line he says about how he does what Steve does but slower because he consistently decides to do the right thing before Steve is another analysis that would go too far off the point to get into. The point being is that Sam exists in the narrative as the direct opposite and alternative to the reality fury and nat offers Steve. Steve spends the beginning of the movie with Nat and Fury seemingly sacrificing the means for the end, but there's Sam, beautiful and charming someone who made the same decision he's now faced with, being like "fuck it. sometimes you have to walk."

Steve's entire struggle about his position with SHIELD reaches its climax when he first finds out the truth of Project Insight.

For the avoidance of any doubt, SHIELD secretly being infiltrated by HYDRA has no effect on how wrong Project Insight was from the start--it just emphasized how horrifically wrong it could go. But "Space Super Death Weapon That Can Immediately Kill Dangers To National Security" is a bad idea no matter who is in charge of it. First off, Steve is right--punishment follows the crime. No government has a crystal fucking ball and anyone who justifies things on the basis of "taking out threats ahead of time" is talking out their ass. to be clear, i'm not saying you need to wait for someone to be on a plane and flying at the twin towers to stop a terrorist attack--in law, we have a designated level of "closeness" that lets us say "yeah you were totally actually doing what we don't want you doing" at which point you can charge them with attempt, and often a lot of the earlier steps leading up to the Big Harmful Thing are actual crimes you can intervene with.

Project Insight was the flagship of of a "quantum surge in threat analysis." It did exactly what it was designed to do: it took out threats before they became threats. The only difference between SHIELD being at the helm and HYDRA is who gets defined as a threat. HYDRA would have defined that as anyone from a high school valedictorian in Iowa to Stephen Strange, but it's not any better if SHIELD's defining that as some random kid in Afghanistan who shows whatever traits show a risk for one day becoming a combatant.

And yet, steve's the only one in the movie who says this. We don't actually know how much Nat knows about Project insight itself, but Fury is fully aware and a participant in it, and Tony Stark apparently took one look at the thing and said "your engines are shit. i'll improve them." Steve takes one look at them and calls it fascist bullshit.

At the end of the day, you can never justify shit like this under the assumption that the people controlling it will use it for the best, because you cannot trust the people controlling it. Yeah, Project Insight was probably pitched with being used against the worst threats. Dangers to public safety, terrorists, that kind of thing. Do you want to know who else was considered a danger to public safety? MLK, who the FBI fucking murdered. The people who define threats to national security are the ones who have the same incentive to maintain the status quo in an unjust world. Even if we assume Project Insight was made to stop the next 9/11, we also have to assume that at least some of the strikes it would have carried out under not-HYDRA control would have been for the wrong reasons.

What the fuck does all of this this have to do with Zola?

Operation Paperclip and Peggy and Howard's decisions within it directly mirrors Project Insight and Fury's decisions within it, directly mirrors Steve's journey and central conflict over the course of the film, and directly contrasts with the alternative Sam poses within it.

CA:WS at its thematic core, says that initiatives that sacrifice justice for claims of national security and public safety are exactly what robs us of our rights and freedoms and ultimately endangers us all. It's not even subtle--Zola says it out loud in his evil villain speech. but operating at a high level in a government agency puts you in a position where you're meant to make that decision again and again, even if we assume you have the best of intentions.

Peggy and Howard were people who believed that they had to make the hard decisions to save the world. They were handed a decision where perception of culpability was obscured by how distributed out the blame was, and the direct public benefit to national security was posed to be overwhelmingly good. It leads to SHIELD's infiltration. Project Insight went through on the exact same reasoning. Fury, Maria Hill, possibly Nat, and Tony (off-screen) all do the exact same thing and justify the means by the end, and it leads to the helicarriers being made.

Steve spends the movie being told, explicitly, to "get with the program" and start making the same decisions. His central conflict is being someone on the inside of this club, being told that he needs to start understand what keeping the world safe demands, and his journey leads to him refusing to do it. The climax of the movie is a character so minor that we never learn his name refusing to launch the helicarriers with a gun pointed at his head, even though the complicity he carried in it would have been just as attenuated as Steve's was as SHIELD's janitor. And all throughout it, there's Sam, someone who left the military explicitly because he couldn't follow the rules he was being given anymore.

Peggy and Howard's decision to go along with Zola in Operation Paperclip is a direct parallel of the decisions Fury made with Project Insight and the decisions Steve ultimately refuses to make himself. Making Peggy and Howard complicit in what let in Arnim Zola encapsulates the entire core argument of CA:WS and it's so weird to me that I've only ever seen it discussed in shipping wars and discourse as to whether a Character Is Bad.

Peggy and Howard, ultimately, were members of a governmental task force who made the Hard Decisions for The Public Good. As an inherent part of that role, they did bad things. Unjust things. They undoubtedly saved the world multiple times over as a part of their tenure as the head of SHIELD, but it would be absolute naivety to assume that anyone in that position didn't become complicit in terrible fucking things. It's the direct product of their positions in the government, and it's exactly what leads to Steve's position in Civil War. it is absolutely bonkers to me how people watched Winter Solider and then reacted to Steve's opposition to the Accords like Local Imperialist Military Boy Refuses To Listen To Anyone Else. Steve just had a masterclass in how people in the government make decisions that sacrifice justice up to and including people he once trusted with his life. Of course he didn't fucking trust General Human Experimentation And I Consider Bruce Banner The Property Of The United States Military with his every action as Captain America. He had just learned that he couldn't even trust Peggy and Howard with it.

[ruminate88]

Forgiving someone who hurt you, especially if you loved them, that is not saying you don’t hurt or you won’t feel upset anymore. (I was ghosted)

It’s freeing yourself from this box you get put in. This prison you live in when you won’t forgive that person or you hold their sins over their heads. 😬😬😬

I KNOW when you are ghosted and brutally discarded by a ex partner, you go through a season of “being shocked” and “going numb”. You feel so worthless and stupid. (I felt like a zombie walking around for 3/4 months. NO FEELINGS OF BEING ALIVE) The way they throw you away like you’re not even a person.🥺😨😓 It’s a very selfish thing to do and yet, that person had their feelings and reasons for ghosting you. Not saying it doesn’t hurt you or that it’s a healthy or an ok way to push people away but I do realize sometimes that person is struggling with their own issues and that’s how they chose to handle you. 😕 sorry about it. It happens.

WITH THAT SAID, the impact from it is real. It’s traumatizing because you get no goodbye or closure. Plus once they’ve done it to you, it’s gotta be hard for them to face you and ask for forgiveness. It’s gotta be shameful feeling and the guilt alone is enough to keep them on the run. I also pushed a friend away when I was 23 but I did write her a letter cuz even though I felt like I couldn’t face her because she didn’t want to listen to me, I didn’t wanna leave her without answers. I did write her a 3 page letter explaining how I felt. Cody sent me NOTHING and yet, I chose to let him go and I did not try to contact him EVER again. I felt Cody wanted nothing to do with me 🙃 (his loss. I tried to be good to him even when he was breaking my heart, I tried to continue to care about him.)

Having to create your OWN apology and closure without the person, is ssoooo hard. Accepting he’s human annnnnndddd despite if he’s sorry or not, THAT is between him and God ❤️‍🩹 I am constantly torn between “I want to still love him” and “I should hate how he treated me.” But who am I??? I’m no better than Cody. Maybe I feel bad to hurt people, maybe he does too and can’t express it? OR he doesn’t feel bad at all… I will never know, only God knows Cody’s true feelings and maybe I don’t even want to know 😳 🙃❤️‍🩹

The healing, forgiveness and closure does not happen over night (not for me, anyway) I feel deep in my heart I physically set Cody free but mentally and emotionally, it’s been hard not to think about him and decide how I even feel about him. I’ve had many mixed emotions cuz I wanted to care about what he was going through but once he ghosted me, I lost all trust with him and yet, I eventually over time, felt sorry for him. I know that sounds twisted but it’s the person I am. I don’t just discard people. When I ended my friendship with Lori, that was after like 20 years of being together ❤️‍🩹 it’s not like I used her friendship and then abandoned her. Over the MANY years, I started to slowly feel trapped and suffocated by her… that was my reason. No clue what Cody felt when he chose to block me. 😕 I know it’s NOT my fault. I don’t hate Lori, Cody or anybody from my past. I feel bad for all of it but I can’t control it or change it 🙏🏻

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter forty one

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

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november 21, 2018 san diego, california orion

I wake up at an excruciatingly early hour, incredibly achy and just feeling awful. I knew this would be part of letting my body ride out whatever leukemia has in store for me. That doesn’t mean that I feel any better about how awful I feel. 

It’s not even 5:00 yet. The alarm clock on my windowsill reads 4:48. 

I do what I seem to do best these days, grabbing my phone to scroll on Twitter more than I probably should. 

@ILoveCashton: anyone else feel like cashton is… gone? Idk how to explain it

@5SOSItalia: Replying to @ILoveCashton: no same! something is weird. 

@5SOSNo1: already missing tour! </3 but hope cal can get the time he needs to heal. we can all tell he needed a break by the end.

@5SOSFangirl: Replying to @5SOSNo1: 100%. Cal needs time to separate himself from her, for sure.

@OrixnSux: god i’m so glad they finally broke up @OrixnSux: anyone could see how awful she was @OrixnSux: i met her in the pit at a show once and she was SO entitled. thankfully cal is finally away from her. excited to have our man back!

@CalGirl2011: Let’s cheer @Calum5SOS up! Reply to this using #SmilesforCal and show him how many of us are here for him! 103 Replies

@5SOSFan14672: Oh my god Cal and Luke’s version of Yellow has me on the FLOOR!!!!!!! SOBBING!!!!!

@CashtonGirlie: Replying to: @5SOSFan14672: FUCK THIS HURTS @MikeyPizza4: Replying to: @5SOSFan14672: he deserves the whole damn world

@CalumStan: hate seeing how sad cal is. It hurts seeing someone so special look so hurt.

@ILoveCalumHood5: cal deserves the world. RT if you agree! @ILoveCalumHood5: ori*n deserves to rot in hell. RT if you agree!

@CorionFan: i still can’t wrap my head around the breakup @CorionFan: do we actually have confirmation or is this all just a speculation of sad shit from cal?

@5SOSUSA: Replying to @CorionFan: no we have confirmation. someone asked orion in person and she confirmed.      @CorionFan: Replying to @5SOSUSA: damn. :( 

@5SOSUSA: haven’t ever seen cal this sad. If you see this @Calum5SOS, we love you!!!

The Tweets and the photos posted from onstage and the clips of Calum being silent in interviews all send me into a spiral. I break down and fall into a weird, exhausted, in-between state of crying, sleeping, and crying again. My dreams aren’t restful. It’s always an unrelenting torture session of seeing Calum torn apart again and again by my news. I wonder when the last time I actually had a good night’s sleep was, and guess that it was probably before I broke up with Calum. Long before it.

When Emelia walks into my room around 8:00, I’ve been up for a few minutes and am already crying again. She comes to my bedside, perching on the carpet in front of me with worry written all over her face. 

“What’s up, babe?” She asks. I know that she knows the answer without me saying anything.

“Em,” I whimper. “I... I miss him so much.”

Emelia nods an reaches out to rub small circles into my side. “I know, O.”

“I can’t reach out, though.”

She sighs and looks at me with worry. “Orion, I swear, he’ll answer you.”

I want to believe she’s right, but our last few interactions have me doubting everything about my relationship with Calum. Actually, I can’t say that. I don’t doubt the strength of our relationship a few months ago, it’s just that whatever we’ve been since then is hazy and blurry and the bounds are unintelligible. I know nothing has changed for me, but I don’t know the extent of how things have changed. 

I grab the box of tissues on my nightstand to blow my nose, which is all runny and gross from crying so much. As I blow my nose, I look down at the tissues and groan as blood starts to soak them. Of course my nose would bleed now. Through teary eyes and with fresh tissues shoved up my nostrils, I look at Em, feeling helpless and tired and awful.

“I don’t know how to do this, Em. I don’t know how to get out of bed or eat or fucking breathe anymore. Everything is broken, and I’m the one who broke it.” 

The pity on Emelia’s face makes me unable to look at her. She’s on the brink of tears too. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” she quietly says. She’s trying to be soothing, but it’s not working.

“It’s not, though! I’m going to die! It’s not going to get better, Em. This is it. Nosebleeds and crying in bed and not being able to eat… this is my life.” 

I look back at Emelia and she’s now crying along with me. I hate to do this to her, but I can’t do anything else right now.

“I fucked up my life. I’m fucking up your life. I fucked up Cal’s life. I fucked up Ashton’s life and Mike’s and Luke’s and my moms’ and Eri’s and—“

“You’re not fucking up our lives! Sure, you made a mistake — with good reason — with Calum, but you are not at fault for having cancer, O. It’s not your fault.” 

I look at her, tears blocking almost all of my vision. “Ash and Cal aren’t even speaking!”

“That’s not your fault!”

“Yes! It is! I ruined them. I ruined everything, Em. I…” 

I know what I want to say, but I trail off, not wanting Emelia to have to hear it. 

I deserve to die.

Michael’s texts may have hurt to read, but I now think he was far more accurate than anyone else has been. Karma has come around for me. 

Emelia gets in bed next to me and hugs me tightly. “You didn’t ruin everything. We all still love you just the same.” 

Do they? Does Calum? I hate to think it, but he’s really the only one that’s at the front of my brain. He's the only one that really matters.

“I don’t know, Em. I feel so… lost. I used to think I was a good person, but I don’t know if I am anymore.”

Emelia is still crying next to me, and it sends a pang to my chest to know I am making her cry right now, or at all. “You’re still the best person I know.” She sniffles and hugs me even closer. 

We cry together for a while and I feel like my head is pounding. The inevitable sickness is kicking my ass today. 

“Can you get me some Nyquil? I think I need to nap.”

Emelia nods and wipes under her eyes. “Sure, I’ll be right back.” 

Emelia gets up and leaves the room, coming back a few moments later with the bottle of green liquid in hand. She wordlessly opens it and pours me a dose of it, handing it to me for me to gulp it down. She hands me my water so I can wash out the taste. 

We’re both still crying.

“I’ll let you take a nap, okay? I’m just down the hall in the guest room if you need me.” 

She doesn’t wait for me to respond before she leaves. We both need to be alone. I hear her cry quietly as she walks to the guest room and shuts the door behind her. I don’t think she knows that I can still hear her, because what she does next breaks my already shattered heart even more. 

“Ash?” She asks quietly, sobs making her voice wobbly. “Hey, I just… fuck. Everything is so bad. I don’t know what to do!”

I do my best to block it out, not wanting to hear her private venting session with Ashton. I turn on white noise and put a pillow over my head, flipping over to face away from the light and closing my eyes. I do want to sleep, and my body knows that’s what I need.

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[spicywhumper]

@femslash-february bingo 2024: came back wrong + whump bingo: near death experience

series: crimson history // rating: teen and up audiences

cw: survivor's guilt

She’s trying.

She’s really, really, really trying.

Just-

It feels like what happened at the warehouse has broken her. What happened at the warehouse, not during the last almost-two years, twenty-two months that don’t exist in her mind (or they do, Caroline can they, it’s there, the memories are just locked. They’re in a box, hidden away, she feels like it’s for her own sake. For her safety. For her sanity.) It’s almost a logical conclusion, being the only survivor out of a team of nine members. The doctor that evaluated her once she was taken into the HQ commented about how whoever healed her did a great job.

An almost flawless job… but there’s still scar tissue on basically all of her organs, somehow her bones have scars, and it’s a miracle that she’s not in constant pain.

Even without the memories, the psychological scars are there. The therapist frowns at her, when she tells him that it feels like her brain is trying to make her remember. He says she doesn’t remember what happened because her mind is trying to protect her – doesn’t make sense, she came back with a better health than the night she was sent to the warehouse with eight other members that didn’t make it, why she survived, why she sur-

Her mother always said she’s too much like her father. Her emotions turn into anger, her baseline emotion is rage. She doesn’t cry, she punches walls and yells at whoever doesn’t get the hint that she wants to rearrange someone’s face with her fists. (She’s always  her mother thinks she’s worse, actually, Caroline doesn’t need alcohol to be angry, to be dangerous.)

She feels… numb.

So numb, so empty, she misses the rage.

(She misses whatever she felt in that time. There are echoes of it. Something nicely warm lived on her ribcage, behind her heart, neatly nested between her lungs.

She misses it more than the never-ending inferno of her anger.)

“Do you still blame yourself?” Her therapist asks every other session.

“How am I supposed not to?”

He tells her again, again and that it’s not her fault. She didn’t lure the team here, she didn’t order them to investigate without any kind of guarantee that wasn’t a threat. They didn’t have a competent magician in a team of agents meant to take down the strongest, most powerful magical criminals.

It’s almost treason, isn’t it? The way he tells her it’s the higher ups fault, for sending agents to face the devil without holy water.

It’s the higher ups fault that she came so close to death that it feels like she came back without a soul. (I nearly died a hundred times, someone tells her, soft voice on her ear, warm hands on her back, soft presence in the dark, comforting her after what must have been a nightmare.

It feels wrong, and it feels write, to be hold this gently when she was supposed to be dead. I- sometimes I feel like I’m just a ghost, a dead thing in a meatsuit. Somehow, her confession feel like comfort. How I make it stop? Caroline asks. I don’t know. But you’re not alone.)

Caroline lays awake on her bed, staring up at ceiling like the vastiness on top of her will give her the answers she seeks. The dark makes her feel a little less empty, she thinks that maybe beyond life, there’s only cold darkness. And it wants her back, she’s outliving what she was giving, and is being punished for still being around.

She went there, died for minutes (for hours, for years, maybe she’s still dead), and was yanked back. Now the beyond wants her back, after letting go of a broken, wrong version of her. Warped core that maybe it can’t be fixed.

(She doesn’t like to think too much about the warm, foggy dark memories that makes her want to come back home.

But Caroline isn’t sure where, who home is.)