#you can’t die Without Me
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the wincest cain complex is so interesting because not only do they switch roles constantly but they are always fighting to be abel. their one selfish act is leaving the other behind. you have to live without me, because i can’t survive it. they are both so painfully desperate to be the one to die. abel presses the knife into cain’s hand and begs his brother to stop him, but cain can’t do it. no matter what abel does, he can never do it. he’s selfish too. his need for abel trumps the needs of the rest of the world.
#i just think they’re so interesting#they switch roles like kids playing pretend#i don’t think the winchesters ever played pretend#they seem more upset by being left behind than by their brother dying#you can’t die Without Me#it’s like. only i can kill you no one else will hurt you but also you can never die#cain complex.#wincest#samdean#mars.txt
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admittedly one of my favorite things about house ( that also drives me up a wall ) is that something Really Big happens and then the next episode they like loosely mention it like wow wasn’t it crazy that that happened . anyway haha
#once again i’ve just finished s2 so don’t tell me about any plotlines i do not know ab ‼️‼️#like okay i UNDERSTAND that so many things happen in episodes to keep you engaged but like#i want it to linger .#i want sore relationships that don’t fit i want i love you but i’ve looked into your eyes as you crumbled so i keep you at arms length#because i don’t know if i can be there to hold your hand the next time i don’t know if i can do that again#i want i love you but i can’t live without this piece of my heart anymore and you proved it#i want characters to look at each other both thinking of The Thing They Can’t Say#because of the thing that happened .#anyways this is about foreman almost dying this is about house getting shot this is about wilson sleeping with his patient#this is about chase’s dad dying this is about chase letting his patient die this is about cameron’s husband#this is about house’s parents this is about wilson giving up his job to defend house this is about stacy this is about#they have so much good ANGST that has the potential to make their relationships unhealthily dependent#and i .#i need to eat it up#house#house md#gregory house#greg house#hilson#houseposting#lgbtq#lgbt
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fathers of the world. you have got to stop calling women service workers over the phone ‘dear’
‼️TERFS STEP AWAY FROM THIS POST YOU WILL BE OBLITERATED ON SIGHT
#if someone said ‘thank you dear’ to me over the phone id be fucking making fun of them to my coworkers. dont you have a wife to call ‘dear’#and this guy doing this as my father? embarrassing HEJSJSJJDJSJJS#he’s always been vaguely misogynistic. in ways he cannot tell but loves to argue that he isn’t#especially w the afab poeple in his life ! embarrassing#words from the monarch#anyway it is also embarrassing that i can’t make a post criticizing dumb shit dudes in my life do without worrying some jackass terf will t#will try to co-opt it like ‘lol yeah males just suck and they should all die’ or whatever
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Zam wants to be ♠️ with Minute SOOOOO bad. And Minute has no idea why. He’s so confused by it. Reluctant and honestly pretty tame Kismesissitude
#princetech#I think about them so much#LS sundial you are everything to me#Kings sundial I miss you but ohhh pairings where they just beat each other up a lot is so good#Zam begging minute to fight him and minute is just SO baffled#Zam is so strange and Minute can’t even begin to understand#guy that likes getting beaten up and dying meets guy that doesn’t see the point of fighting without a proper reason#I hope they kill each other More#umm if the CCs see this hi! hey! what the fuck!#sorry for homestuck reference posting#unfortunate that they understand homestuck quadrants now#watching the Old Habits Die Hard vod finally#been so busy with work I haven’t been caught up fully#Zam expecting Minute to spawn trap his bed makes me feel insane#Zam laughing during this fight too. he’s so fucked up for that#reminds me of how Starfox used to be. Zam really needs to have SOMEONE to beat him up or else he loses his mind#but he’s already lost it so who’s really winning here?#okay enough rambling in the tags#need more people to post abt them. please please ple
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I can’t stop thinking about a poisoned Arthur, who’s not sick with just any poison. Maybe he’s hit by someone with magic and he has no collateral effects, except that of his body slowly dying.
It doesn’t matter if takes years or months or weeks or days, Arthur knows that one day, he will die. He does not get weaker or unable to do things, he just dissipates, and he knows the moment when he’ll be forever gone.
Everybody knows.
Although, there is a cure to his poisoned body, the only one, but Arthur refuses to take it.
Because if he cures himself of the deadly poison, the price to pay is too high:
he will forever forget the person he loves the most, and will never be able to love them again. His memory will be wiped out each time it comes back.
And Arthur doesn’t want to forget Merlin.
Arthur would rather die in the knowledge that he loves him and has known him, than live a life without Merlin by his side, and without his love and care.
#but imagine the fucking big reveal where everyone thinks ‘oh it must be because he doesn’t want to forget the queen’#and then bam#once he actually cured himself because merlin will probably find a way#it’s actually him who he forgets#and uuuuh i will write this one day#because i like angst and you can do nothing about it#but like imagine the stupor on everyone’s faces when it’s actually merlin who arthur forgets#and like arthur has a moment of clarity before he drinks the cure thag perhaps merlin has put in his drink even if arthur forbade him#to cure him#and arthur’s something like#what did you do?#and merlin is in the verge of crying#and it’s nothing big or spectacular just them in arthur’s chambers hit by the soft morning light still in their night clothes#and they’re standing one feet apart yet they had never been that far away#and merlin simply says ‘i know i should have respected your choice#but tell me you wouldn’t have done the same if you were me’#because they can’t live without the other#either they die together or give up everything they had ever known to be with each other and arthur knows this he understands and nods#nothing more he just stands there crying silently#and hugs merlin for the last time and whispers#‘hold me’#merthur#merlin#arthur pendragon#bbc merlin#merlin bbc#arthur x merlin#fanfic prompt#merlin fanfic#fic ideas
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the fact malleus and lilia weren’t even there to witness silver’s heroic moment at the fairy gala is actually sickening… what were they so busy doing that they wouldn’t even bother to see their adoptive human put on a show AND a pacifist speech (HE EVEN ALLUDED TO LILIA) that undoubtedly improved fae-human relations. they would be so proud…
#something that haunts me is the possibility that malleus and lilia don’t show silver they care as much as he does#which is just bonkers because silver paints lilia to be like the best father ever despite his faults#and we know he has MANY faults… the going on week long trips and leaving a six year old to fend for himself being the first#close second being leaving his son without a proper physical goodbye FOREVER before his 18th birthday#fae’s conception of family is… unconventional. we know this already. but…#and malleus “lilia has a wonderful son” draconia. i have a bone to pick with you#you say good things of sebek but never of silver. in fact it feels like you’re trying to erase his existence#what’s going on here. silver is ready to die for you and his father and you rarely acknowledge him at all#and now silver is CARRYING an unprecedented milestone in fae-human relations while wearing 4 inch heels#and the both of y’all can’t even be bothered to watch the stream#it’s downright sickening.#twisted wonderland#twst#silver twst#malleus draconia#malleus twst#twst malleus#twst silver#lilia vanrouge#diasomnia
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I will have to read a romantasy book written by a straight man or a lesbian someday just to see if a certain tone is different because a lot of the romantasy books written by women that are attracted to men are just…sometimes…interesting in a bad way
“She was the strongest, most compassionate, most intelligent, kindest, most generous woman that ever existed. All the wise older characters like to pull her aside to tell her this. Unlike all the dumb evil cows that just wanted MMC for his hot body and deep pockets, FMC wanted MMC for his mind and his beautiful soul” just gives off a weird vibe
#is it internalized misogyny is what i’m wondering#if you throw in some compliments like the evil cows are pretty than it isn’t so misogynistic and bitter right?? lol#it’s fiction maybe i shouldn’t care but a lot of it feels so dishonest and strange#you can’t be pushing 40 and writing about how mmc never loved a woman because they were all bitches you need to touch grass#if you can’t make mmc fall in love with fmc without tearing down the other women in the story what are you doing#women can absolutely be flawed but most of the time these flaws in romantasy stories seem to be currated in bad faith#i picked up acotar today and I could not get past the descriptions of the fmc’s sisters like are you joking me…#i promise fmc can be believably loved by mmc even if the female side characters are not evil cows#sometimes it feels like the romance is so underdeveloped and ‘haha I won I’m the best woman’ narrative takes the wheel and for what#author could write about the fmc and mmc simply being together but fmc showing how she is the MOST badass woman is more important 😏😝😝😝#the not so covert ‘she is not like the other girls’ is so bad and boring and it needs to DIE#there is some intrasexual competition going on and am i supposed to act like that is not what is happening or what#even when that is clearly what is going on??#stooop stop fighting girls just stooooop#i have to tag fourth wing sorry it’s true it’s true#fourth wing
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seeing fireworks and remembering that dazai said “when i go out, i hope it’s this beautiful” in wan …. and atsushi said “haha i’d prefer it if you didn’t go at all” like ……. FUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK. my darling baby atsushi please … don’t make this harder than it needs to be …
#holding his hand when i say this: dazai is going to be your odasaku 🧍🏻♀️#literally the worst thought ive ever had in my life. and i don’t mean it in a sense of#watching him die or being in direct cause and effect of his death or#being part of it in anyway or even TALKING to him as he’s dying. i just mean#that bond. dazai is not atsushi’s mentor he’s his friend#as much as dazai refuses to admit it. it happened with oda and ango. it happened with atsushi#he has wormed his way into people’s lives without even noticing he’s done it#GGGRRFFFFF im shedding tears i need to lay down#this scene in wan just breaks me every time because yeah atsushi. i feel you on that one#but he’s your odasaku i fear …….. your friend that you will miss for longer than you have known him#the grave that you will visit and probably. be the only one to erect it#GOD.#dazai’s grave isn’t real it can’t hurt me. then i remember it exists in beast#grave with - O. DAZAI exists and i have to take a minute. i’m on the ledge. i’m jumping#my body is swinging from the rafters#UUAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHH
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a complex sirius who loves his family, especially his mom, is so much more tragic and nuanced and interesting than a sirius who flat out hates his family and i will die on that hill
#it’s more realistic too honestly#when you experience consistent emotional abuse from your family usually a big part of it is gaslighting#and no matter how much we hate it we can’t make ourselves stop loving our parents#a sirius who silently cries in the middle of the night because he misses his mom is so much more real#he hates them and loves them and wants to escape them but doesn’t know how to live without them#i will die on this hill#you can’t tell me i’m wrong#sirius#sirius black#walburga black#black family#noble and most ancient house of black#orion black#regulus black#marauders#marauders era#aurillio rambles
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Time for more eternal gales isat au, this time featuring Sier as Isabeau, creating a sprite I can never use next to Aris’ because despite my best efforts it would make them look tall
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc#oc art#isat#in stars and time#this one didn’t take nearly as long as the aris one but I think I suffered for it more from the clothes alone#siffrin made me forget I suck at drawing clothes rip#this was also harder because of how much trickier it was to try and adapt siers design to feel fitting enough for my standards#they have a very stylized design compared to most of the others#I kind of took the lazy route out by keeping most of their original shapes in tact but it’s fine#sier in this au would serve the needed role of emotionally intelligent bestie who is also too scared to cross boundaries to do much#but despite this I do think they’d actually get the suspicion quest in this au#mostly because mase is a furry artist not a nerd and sier would be more likely to look at aris and go bro. are you in a fucking timeloop.#it also differs in that aris doesn’t yell at sier abt it instead looping before they can finish because she can’t handle hearing them be#right on the money about this thing that she thought she was handling perfectly#she doesn’t want to fail them she doesn’t want them to realize she’s failed them she doesn’t want to be a burden she doesn’t want them to#‘realize’ they’re better off without her#aris is Incredibly resistant to accepting help on most serious issues because shes convinced that it’s her responsibility to deal with it#by herself and that if she can’t then she’s a failure and worse than useless#I mean in canon eternal gales she literally loses her eye and arm because of that#in this au she just lost them how sif lost his eye but she still has. complexes abt all that.#but yeah sier also differs wildly from isa in many Many other ways as does the rest of the cast from their assigned characters#for sier they rly aren’t the jock of the group at all instead being more of the guy who keeps the mood lighthearted at all times lest they#die of stress because the others haven’t said anything in a whole 30 seconds#aka they’re the self assigned peacekeeper who doesn’t actually need to constantly keep the peace because no one’s fighting but they still#feel like they need to so they dance and dance and dance for their friends until they collapse from exhaustion#metaphorically ofc#this is why they’re both terrified to confront aris when she starts acting a bit fucked up but also why they still do sometimes anyways#they talk abt this a lil bit in their friend quest as they talk abt how they want to change but are scared to
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Great googley moogley it’s all going to shit! Every day becomes exponentially more terrifying!
And all perfectly timed to just right at the start of what’s supposed to be my adult life where I get my shit together and be useful and productive!
#we’re cooked#we’re doomed#idk the end is nigh or whatever god damn#I just wanna be able to live in my own house and draw a guy sometimes without the ever present threat of the horrors is that too much#apparently yeah cause houses aren’t achievable anymore but man#m a n#especially if you didn’t/couldn’t go to college and aren’t capable of working most jobs#doesn’t help there’s the chance some part of my existence might be suddenly illegal or extremely dangerous yippie!#the options are literally 1. people die 2. people die what the hell do you even do man#how the fuck is this the election I’m gonna get forced to be a part of we’re living in hell#and nobody around me believes it’ll get bad yay great oh so wonderful#I can’t wait to lose rights and cause millions of deaths regardless of who gets chosen#I think one of these days I’m literally just gonna die of stress#it’ll either be a stroke or a heart attack or cancer or uh well ya know#we’re fucked#we’re screwed#I wanna have some kind of an actually visible break down but ive suppressed everything so much that I don’t outwardly emote much anymore :)#and the constantly dissociating thing too I guess#if you ever think ‘oh yeah I can just think of guy in a situation that’s so cool’ don’t it’s a trap—#although tbh this would be significantly worse without it so uh law of equivalent exchange I guess#fuck fuck fuck anyway#not putting this in the main tags#definitely deleting this later#if anyone in my house got any hints that I may or may not have different opinions than them well uh I’m financially dependent on them so um#literally wouldn’t have anywhere to go if anything happened#oh we’re really in it now Simon#hell world#there’s like what 7 genocides going on too I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything#I can’t do anything to help anyone either cause I don’t have a job and I could get kicked out or treated badly at home for it#not that anyone thinks very highly of me at home anyway I am kinda family disappointment number 2 I pretty sure
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also I had a breakthrough today that I had in fact overthought a Specific Problem to Death and that I had created a monster in my own mind and that’s why it felt like I was being eaten alive every time I tried to solve it.
#not to put too fine a point on it but that’s what happened with the whole is Maria going to become a nun question tbh#and I needed a counselor to say to me objectively and yet also crucially without any knowledge of me or my past:#you have overthought this and now you’re terrified of it#anyway it’s so obvious but it came home to me today. slowly.#like it was just like. Oh. You did it again#you’re terrified of this because you have thought of every possibility and every outcome and every twist and turn and shadow—-#until it has become a bloated demon in your mind that is totally separated from reality#while made up of real facts and details! and tbh I know it’s a common problem#but the anxiety chokehold I can put myself in is something that is so impressive and so disturbing#I can render myself absolutely helpless through the meanderings of my own thoughts#and what makes it worse—immeasurably worse—is that I get OUT of problems through careful thought and analysis#I’m programmed that way#so I can’t escape it by the usual means. I have to back away from the monster and see it and NAME it and then it can die away.#and only THEN can I apply my usual ways of going about things. I don’t know it just all clicked today#these past few days have just been bringing it all to a fever pitch for me#anyway I guess it’s also important to me that I still be allowed to be analytical about it!!! I have to use my brain!!!!!!!#in my desperation I have tried to shut it off to feel only with my heart. To try to catch the whisper of God’s voice in the wind#but tbh I am meant to use the gifts I have! But only in the right context#and that’s only after the demon has been killed or more accurately —deflated#my counselor has been so good about this tbh. she’s so matter of fact and blunt and salt of the earth and also she sees how my mind works#and wants me to be able to use it!!#so I’m just going to tell her that I did the bad thing with this other problem and can she help me find a way forward#ANYWAY THE MONSTERS TURNED OUT TO BE JUST TREES
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Me: *delusional* Maybe when I watch Marineford this time Ace will be rescued and hang out with Luffy and Whitebeard
#anime#radiowaves#one piece#op#marineford#*me: *watching Whitebeard’s fleet arrive* SEE! THEY HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL IT’S FINE*#*C’MON NOT ACE HE’S JUST A LITTLE GUY*#*AND LUFFY’S BEEN APART FROM HIS WHOLE CREW LET HIM HAVE HIS BROTHER!!*#*I also find it so funny that Geko Moria’s there like?? SIR???*#*didn’t you almost die like a month ago because Luffy accidentally found your Halloween island boat??*#*why do you THINK you should be allowed here???*#*meanwhile Mihawk has done ONE (1) attack that didn’t even hit THE CORRECT GUY and now will be chilling*#*I cannot WAIT for him to get home after his horrible day and find out Zoro and Perona are living in his house since he left*#*he just had his shit rocked by this war and then he can’t even sit on his couch in peace without two angsty teens heckling him*#*also not to give you buggy fans any rights*#*but he’s been great in this arc so far. Accidentally restarting his clown cult with escaped prisoners and deluding himself into the war*#*what else do I like*#*Marco seems pretty cool*#*I enjoy the idea of Boa standing there doing FUCK ALL until Luffy comes by good for her*#*i DID get jumpscared by Django being there I REALLY had to rack my brain to remember he was a marine*#*speaking of- are all the marines there?? where’s G8 man is he still chilling*#*such a good arc*
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I’ve been dying for so long now that I’ve become used to it, but signing the DNR (do not resuscitate order) and starting palliative care has been eye opening.
Being online is so difficult now. EVERYONE talks about the future. Things they look forward to, things they want to change, saying that things will change. Will get better.
I even find myself thinking about books, movies, and tv shows, new seasons of the shows that’ll come out and that I don’t even know if I’ll be alive to see any of them.
It’s just really depressing and really hard knowing that things will not get better for me. It’s only going to get worse from here. But the world just spins madly on.
#personal#terminally ill#chronic illness#chronic illness tag#palliative care#how do you die in your twenties without going actually insane or making everyone around me miserable?#oh also everyone assumes you only die young from an accident or cancer#I can’t find any support groups bc it’s all cancer and my illnesses make my death a little different
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Yknow it does irritate me a little that after the Emperor reveal in act 3 your only mean dialogue options are about him being a mind flayer. Let me bully this guy for being a piece of shit not for being illithid. I don’t distrust him because he’s not human i distrust him because he’s a lying manipulative motherfucker. LET ME BE MEAN TO HIM WITHOUT BEING FANTASY RACIST LARIAN
#My hatred for the emperor genuinely knows no bounds#I fuckingg hate him so much. He’s my archenemy. He’s such a motherfucker.#That one scene where you go into the prism and you have a dialog option to say you only want a dreamless sleep#And WITHOUT FUCKINH CONSULTING YOU at ALL. That bastard FUCKS WITH YOUR BRAIN#AND KNOCKS YOU OUT FOR 8 HOURS.#WHO SAID HE COULD DO THAT????? CAUSE I SURE FUCKING DIDNT#I haven’t finished the game yet but I swear to god if you can’t kill that bastard once you don’t need him to live.#If you don’t get to kick him in his slimy fucking tentacles. I will die in real life.#Larian let me kill the emperor . Please. Come on man.#bg3#lich says shit#Bg3 spoilers
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I would just like to apologize to all the people I’ve ghosted in this past year. I promise I never stopped caring about you. Unfortunately, when I’m exhausted, social interactions are the first thing to go, and I have been exhausted for so long I’ve forgotten what energy is
#I still see ur messages and love you#I just cannot engage in a conversation without feeling sick to my stomach with the effort and wanting to die#I talk to maybe one person regularly.#I promise it’s not you even my closest friend will be ghosted for days on end if I can’t muster the response#hemera rambles#I just feel bad bc y’all deserve better#I just can’t be what you want me to be rn#I wish I could explain it better#but idk I’d rather think of u fondly than yell at you for responding to me whenever I dare send a text to let you know I’m thinking of you#I don’t want to get pissy bc ur trying to be a good friend#so I just don’t engage at all
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