#you can see why i love 14x08

[pollsnatural]

[ambiguousdisorderken]

in your expert opinion what are some of the most destiel-heavy episodes of spn? i stopped watching around season 7 and have no interest in engaging w the plot of the show at all but i’m in the mood for some gay yearning ykwim

Hi anon! Thank you for reaching out to me about this, I’m, no-joke, very flattered. I’d seen a couple posts on this same question, very thorough and detailed lists on Destiel-centric episodes, but at the moment I cannot find any of them, that would’ve answered your request much faster. So, in advance, sorry, my reply is probably coming in extremely late, but I did write this from scratch, so yeah.

Even though storylines in SPN can be very shitty and hollow, I do feel that to get the full Destiel experience -that long-drawn yearning- one would have to watch the entirety of the show, even if Cas isn’t in the episode or if there’s no explicit mention of their relationship/bond because it gives you a better understanding of them as characters and of how their relationship affects the narrative.

Now, you mentioned you stopped around S7, which is completely understandable and justified given the Dick plot game was very weak and, in my opinion, annoying (so little Cas!). I’m going to start listing from S7 in case you want to refresh your SPN before jumping straight into unseen episodes. Also, since you mentioned no interest in the plot and are specifically craving those sweet crumbs of gay yearning, I’ll skip most one-sided / too subtle episodes and cut to the chase.

Lastly, I hate spoiling things, but you’ve probably seen it all on Tumblr. I tried to keep the episodes’ descriptions short, as it might come in useful. Stuck to key words, quotes and/or little comments.

 Season 7

7x01 – Meet the New Boss: Godstiel, sincere apology. Cas: “I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you.”

7x02 – Hello, Cruel World: Mourning. Trench coat melancholy. The heart-wrenching eulogy: “Dumb son of a bitch.”

7x17 – The Born-Again Identity: Emmanuel!Cas, reunion, longing, hurt.

7x21 – Reading is Fundamental: Honey!Cas, hug, hurt, reunion, that painful SORRY (board game) scene.

7x23 – Survival of the Fittest: Honey!Cas, forgiveness, adorable, wified Cas. Dean hits us with: “Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas!" but also “I'd rather have you, cursed or not.”

Season 8 (this season is so good and Destiel is the driving motor of it, I swear. If you can, watch it complete.)

8x01 – We Need to Talk About Kevin: Dean in Purgatory looking for the angel.  Cas is referred to as “your [Dean’s] angel.”

8x02 – What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?: HUG!!!, Purgatory reunion, face touch, very romantic. Monster: “ You'll find your angel there.” //  Dean: “Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you.”

8x05 – Blood Brother: Cas vs. Benny cat fight lol. Dean: “Cas... we're gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

8x07 – A Little Slice of Kevin: Cas comes back from Purgatory, but before that Dean starts seeing him in places. Very tragic; hallucinating your dead significant other trope. Has That boner scene. Dean: “I did everything I could to get you out! EVERYTHING!” Cas helps Dean see what truly happened in Purgatory and not his self-altered memories. PACKED!

8x08 – Hunteri Heroici: Hilarious, romantic, intimate. Dean and Cas have an heart to heart. They actually communicate. Cas “I’ll watch over you.”

8x10 Torn and Frayed: They work a case together, and when I say heart eyes…

8x17 – Goodbye Stranger: THIS. EPISODE. Dean “I need you.”

8x19 – Taxi Driver: Separation. Naomi to Dean: "You're hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty; I only wish he felt the same way."

8x22 – Clip Show: Lack of trust, hurt, tense interactions. Romantic too (basically, Cas gets Dean an apology basket).

8x23 – Sacrifice: Meaningful conversation and a gay couple hit by Cupid parallel. Dean “So this is it? E.T goes home?"

 Season 9

9x01 – I think I’m Gonna Like it Here: Dean prays to Cas IN.A.CHAPEL. Worry, longing, separation. Dean “Please, man, I need you here.”

9x03 – I’m No Angel: Human!Cas and jealous!Dean.

9x06 – Heaven Can’t Wait: Human!Cas TEXT-BOOK LONGING. GAY AS FUCK. Gazing, touching, they even TALK (for real).

9x09 – Holy Terror: Adorable Cas, flirty vibes, happyish, funny. Cas: “Cas is back in town!”

9x10 – Road Trip: Cas comforts Dean, Cas and Crowley bitching at each other, overall protective!Cas.

9x18 – Metafiction. Cas finds out about the Mark of Cain.

9x21 – King of the Damned: Hug, strong boyfriends vibes.

9x22 – Stairway to Heaven: Cas gives up an entire army, for Dean. Metatron about Cas “He's in love………………………. with humanity.”

9x23  – Do You Believe in Miracles?: At this point, it’s canon stated that Cas will do anything and lose everything if that means saving Dean. Metatron to Cas “You draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”

 Season 10

10x01 – Black: Demon!Dean and sick/brokenhearted Cas in a slutty robe missing his man.

10x03 – Soul Survivor: ICONIC. Angel on Demon action! Cas turns down Hannah because he’s too gay and in love. Intimate Deancas talk.

10x05 – Fan Fiction: No Cas, but Destiel references. 

10x09 – The Things We Left Behind: That.Lunch.Date. Deancas introduction to co-parenting.

10x14 – The Executioner’s Song: We get Daddy Murder aka Cain. This is a Pivotal episode to understand Dean’s character development. Plus, it has Deancas interactions.

10x16 – Paint It Black: No Cas, but Dean opens up in confessionary; repressed BISEXUAL AS FUCK.

10x18 – Book of the Damned: Charlie meets Cas. Gay energies everywhere. Cute domestic little scene.

10x20 – Angel Heart: PARENTING! Essential to understand Cas from this point forward.

10x22 – The Prisoner: Just… just watch it. One of THEE Destiel episodes.

10x23 – Brother’s Keeper: No Deancas interactions but it’s the finale, and I recommend watching it because next season takes off literally right from here. No time jumps.

 Season 11

11x02 – Form and Void: Could skip to the very end which is when Cas comes back.

11x03 – The Bad Seed: Cursed!Cas. Dean takes care of him, even wraps him in a blanket. He also cradles his face. Extreme Hurt/Comfort. Jacting joices rejoice.

11x10 – The Devil in the Details: Could skip but has Casifer in it. Interesting to see his dynamic with Dean.

11x18 – Hell’s Angel: Casifer. Dean "It? It's not an it, Sam, it's Cas!"

11x23 – Alpha and Omega: Huggg! Cas willing to go on a guaranteed suicide mission with Dean. Very tender and sad.

 Season 12

12x02 – Keep Calm and Carry On: ANOTHER HUG! Dean presents his boyfriend to his mom<3 Soft and romantic.

12x09 – First Blood: Reunion hug<3, Cas pining… as in he counts his every minute without Dean.

12x10 – Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: Direct parallel with canon couple. Crystal-clear mutual affection. One of the best. Angel Ishim to Cas about Dean “I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own… by cutting it out.”

12x12 – Stuck in the Middle with You: A dying Cas confesses his love. “I love you. I love all of you.”

12x19 – The Future: We find out Dean gave Cas a MIXTAPE!!! Very romantic and full of yearning, also worry and what could be seen as a betrayal (ish…).

12x23 – All Along the Watch Tower: Hands down, one of the most distressing Destiel episodes. Cas dies.

 Season 13

13x01 – Lost and Found: This is the worst because you have Dean trying to assimilate Cas’ death. Core of Dean’s widow’s arc. Jack introduction, that’s their new kid.

13x02 – The Rising Son: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?).

13x03 – Patience: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?). Dean to Sam “He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!”

13x04 – The Big Empty: Continuation of widow’s arc and Cas wakes up in the Empty. The Empty to Cas: "I know who you love. There's nothing for you back there." // Dean to Sam “I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

13x05 – Advanced Thanatology: Suicidal and hopeless Dean gets his win. Cas comes back. Gives me the chills.

13x06 – Tombstone: COWBOY BOYFRIENDS!

13x14 – Good Intentions: Happy and fun Destiel scene. So Very Married.

13x23 – Let The Good Times Roll: Season finale, Dean talks about retiring (plans include Cas of course) and just very nice to see them interact.

Season 14

14x03 – The Scar: Reunion.

14x08 – Byzantium: Deanand Cas dealing with their child’s death, then bringing him back by Cas making a deal with the Empty. IMPORTANT EPISODE.

14x09 – The Spear: Cas uses the royal We – married behavior.

14x10 – Nihilism: Dean is stuck in his own mind, and Cas and Sam try to bring him back. Cas “Please, you have to -- you have to try to remember, because the people in your life -- in your real life, out there -- we need you to come back.”

14x12 – Prophet and Loss: Dean gets his very own Dr. Sexy, aka Dr. Cas.

14x14 – Ouroboros: Basically another date (their kid tags along) and They TALK. Very intimate and established marriage vibes.

14x18 – Absence: Shits starts to go south. [ Dean: “Who cares what Jack said? We don't know what happened! But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is -- (points to Castiel) Then you're dead to me. (Castiel looks crushed after Dean says that).]

14x20 – Moriah: Tense and very upsetting. Relationship very damaged.

 Season 15 (I would advise watching the entire season because it relies heavily on Destiel. They’re the heart and the emotional motor leading the plot onwards.)

15x01 – Back and To The Future: Deancas’ in the aftermath of their kid’s death. Tension gets worse.

15x02 – Raising Hell: Tension rises, this is very intense. Cas “Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.”

15x03 – The Rupture: Breaking point ends in divorce.

15x06 – Golden Time: Painful phone call which speaks volumes about the current state of their relationship at the time. Also, good to see where they’re standing and how they’re coping.

15x08 – Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven: Strained relationship so obvious they’re offered couples’ therapy.

15x09 – The Trap: MASTERPIECE. Back to Purgatory. Can (and is) taken as Dean’s love confession (because it is). 

15x12 – Galaxy Brain: So married. Little domestic date, you can see LOVE written in their faces.

15x13 – Destiny’s Child: AU!Dean and Sam. Not a yearning episode per se, but AU!Dean? SO GAY.

15x17 – Unity: God reveals that the only act of free will in any universe he ever created has been Cas choosing Dean.

15x18 – Despair: Cas confesses his love to Dean.

[deans-haunted-baby]

Dadstiel Shoulder Touch Analysis

I want to take some time to discuss something about this incredible father/son dynamic that I don’t think gets enough recognition. And that is their connection. A connection layered in so many different attributes yet primarily based on physical touch. Apologies this is going to be long. Despite my saltiness towards Supernatural as I feel the show squandered them during its run, I really love the amount of attention to detail that was put into Castiel and Jack’s relationship. It kind of has a Terminator inspired vibe going on which I can’t deny enjoying. The bodyguard and the future savior of mankind. And this bond was in development all the way back in season 12; long before Jack was born. 

During 12x19 it’s through his mother Kelly, that the son of Lucifer forges an emotional attachment with the trench-coated angel whom he imprints on to be his surrogate dad. From the moment Castiel puts his hand on her belly, and feels Jack, they instantly fall in love with each other. At first touch. Trusting each other completely without the slightest bit of doubt as they sense the other’s good aura. It’s a devotion unlike anything Cas has ever experienced in his millions of years. Even more than what he’s felt for Sam and Dean. And it happens before he and Jack even get to see each other. Their bond becomes intensely essential that it boosts Castiel’s grace, allowing him to protect Kelly and her son from Dagon as well as cause a rip in time and space.

After Jack is born and in the care of the Winchesters, scared, lost and confused yet curious as an infant in an adolescent body; the child wanders aimlessly searching for Castiel. All he wants in that moment is to be with Castiel because that is who he recognizes as his father. Missing him and needing to feel that same warmth, protection and compassion he felt from inside his mother’s womb. However, following the tragic circumstances that led to the angel’s unexpected death at the hands of Jack’s biological dad in 12x23, these two are forcibly separated in the beginning of season 13. Until Jack instinctively resurrects Castiel out of the Empty through his own will and desire alone at the very end of 13x03. Proving that no matter how far away they are, the tether between them can’t be broken.

These two don’t even need an introduction from Sam and Dean when 13x06 finally reunites them for the first time. Jack immediately knows who Castiel is going off on his mother’s memories. And their reunion comes so naturally. There’s no awkwardness, no hesitation or apprehensiveness emanating from the angel’s presence. Jack just walks right up to Cas, puts his arms around him and tells him how much he missed him. Its as if they’d never been apart. And afterwards they spend nearly the entire episode practically inseparable. Getting to know each other as father and son. And that goes without saying, while Jack did bond with the Winchesters in person first, there is no comparison to the Nephilim boy’s emotional attachment towards the angel.

This special relationship is very significant to both of them. Around each other they’re at their most happiest. Castiel is constantly at Jack’s side; and ALMOST ALWAYS tenderly touching him, namely his shoulders or protectively holding him by the arm and the child wholly reciprocates this. In Castiel’s gentle physical touch Jack is given a sense of security, solace, reassurance and comfort. Same as he’d had as an unborn baby. Not only is this the angel’s way of demonstrating his affection, empathy and devotion towards his son but this is actually how he non-verbally tells Jack that he loves him. Its purely unconditional. And this gesture isn’t one-sided as I will acknowledge later. Jack desires Cas’s tangible nearness as much as his dad does which is why they’re so magnetically pulled together in all of their scenes on the show. 

Even when they’re at conflict with each other or arguing, Castiel never fails to let Jack know that he’s always safe and loved. That he isn’t afraid of him. His son could be in pain, angry, or vengeful in the moment and Castiel’s affection for that child will never waver. He’ll endlessly put his own life at risk in order to reach Jack; who is far more powerful than he is via his archangel half. Like the convivence store scene in 13x23 when Jack attacks a civilian believing he’d killed his friend and Cas does his best to subdue him. Whether Jack wants it or not at the time, he needs his dad’s emotional support; and the angel can’t stand the thought of his son harmed or hurting. He’s easily saddened whenever Jack refuses his touch as shown in 13x21 when he was very upset over Sam’s temporary death and rips away Cas’s hand as he’s trying to console him.

Supernatural really emphasizes the powerful connection Castiel and Jack share using physical communication in nearly every one of their episodes. Its these wonderful details they do onscreen that illustrates the depth of love these characters have for each other. Unfortunately though, they didn’t get to interact much during season 13. Yet the small portions in their four episodes together is exceptionally substantial. While we’re on the subject, the shoulder touches are definitely a Dadstiel thing. It’s their signature sign of affection and theirs’s only. Don’t believe me, let me give you an example of a specific scene in 14x19 between Jack and Sam; which takes place in the aftermath of Jack’s accidental killing of the Winchesters’ mother Mary.

Dean and Sam conspire to trick and lock away the soulless infant Nephilim in a mystical coffin as punishment with the intention of finding a solution that will end his life. Sam is the reluctant main player in this scheme of using his influence over the child in order to gain his trust and sway him into his fate. Just before Jack’s about to be led to the room and put into the box, scared and uncertain, Sam then puts his hand on his shoulder telling him they need to keep him safe while giving him an awkward grin. And look at Jack’s expression as this happens. It reads shattered. He immediately knows something’s wrong. Sam is touching him just like Castiel…except this is nothing like Castiel. His dad’s shoulder touches are always so tender and loving. 

Jack can literally feel Cas’s devotion for him in every tangibility. But here he doesn’t feel that from Sam at all. Its cold, fearful and empty just like he is on the inside. Rendering him even more nervous. Speaking of season 14 the father/son content we get between Castiel and Jack is even better that year as its all about their relationship growing and strengthening into something far deeper than it was in the previous seasons 12 and 13. It’s the year their bond is put through the ultimate test. Where Jack is made human after Lucifer steals his grace and Cas dominantly steps into his role as a father.  

Providing Jack with a certain guidance, boundaries, and stability in episodes 14x01, 14x02, 14x03, 14x09 and 14x10 unlike what he’d received from Sam and Dean. Castiel takes on all the difficult tasks of parenting ranging from scolding to teaching his son about death, responsibility, self-restraint, patience and the tribulations of growing up. He doesn’t raise his voice ever when he speaks to Jack. And is completely there 100% for his son from the beginning…and the end of his life. Although Castiel is an angel he is very much a pivotal link to Jack’s humanity and vice versa as well as a link to his celestial side. While he greatly admires and looks up to the Winchesters, its through Cas’s influence that the infant Nephilim aspires to be a good person. 

Jack never wants to become the monster his biological father was; desperate to break out of that mold once in for all. And he isn’t alone. Castiel is right there with Jack every step of the way. Ready to challenge and encourage his son whenever he does something decent or makes a mistake. He doesn’t hesitate to tell his son when he’s proud of him. And sometimes he’s there to coddle Jack during times of crisis as displayed in the 14x09 showdown with AU!Michael where the angel takes a second to heal Jack’s minor facial wounds. I just love that tiny focal point of Cas in the background, as the Winchesters are talking, putting his hand on Jack’s shoulder before using his powers on him. As if to keep him calm; like a parent reassuring their nervous kid that it won’t hurt.

Throughout the first part of season 14 we’re blessed with so much affectionate Dadstiel moments like the after-the-battle angst talk in 14x01 where Castiel reminds a very frustrated Jack “you’ve got me” as he declares he has nothing. Or 14x08 after Jack’s death and they’re bittersweetly reunited in Heaven with Kelly; all smiles, touching shoulders and hugging each other as if they can’t bear to be separated. Followed with that heartfelt moment of Castiel tenderly touching his son’s cheeks, sadly looking at him with so much adoration, as he sends his soul back to his body. Then there was their unforgettable father/son pep talk in regards to the vulnerability of Jack’s soul; Castiel just gives his son’s shoulder a gentle squeeze as he leaves the room. Again, this is how these two say “I love you”.

And I couldn’t very go in depth of this analysis without mentioning 14x20′s Jack death scene 2.0; Castiel helplessly touches his son, who’s screaming on the ground in agony, trying desperately to ease his suffering. Yah this was particularly very hard for me to watch witnessing Castiel going out of his mind, completely unable to save Jack from enduring such a painful end to his life. Once was already cruel enough on me. And of course 15x01 continued that vicious trend of Castiel harrowingly protecting his son’s corpse, carrying him over the shoulder in a fireman’s hold as he runs through the cemetery, then gently lays him down on the floor in a mausoleum. I get emotional watching Cas cradling Jack’s head as he positions him comfortably; letting his touch linger unable to let go. He doesn’t even care what happens to him in this moment as long as his son’s body is safe. Very strong symbolism of a parent who will never abandon their child long after they’re gone. 

On a side note I want to quickly call attention to how much I revere the Dadstiel healing parallels in 14x09 and 14x14 plus BONUS: Jack almost-killing Castiel in 15x13 so he can talk to Ruby in the Empty. These just add some nice little textures in their dynamic which compliments their ongoing tradition of showing devotion through physical communication. And both the healing scenes and the temporary death scene are composited very similarly. Focused on Castiel and Jack’s hands in the process of relieving the other’s pain/life. 

Touch is exhibited as being a very crucial element for both of these characters when it comes to their iron-clad relationship. That palpable part of Castiel and Jack’s connection keeps them closely-knit. Its their familial instinct and how they express their feelings for each other. If they aren’t kneading shoulders, the angel duo is often standing beside each other or firmly linked at the arms. And this usually happens during moments of extreme stress, joy, sorrow, pain or fear. Jack relies so much on Castiel’s parental presence. He respects his authority, disobeying only when his actions feel necessary, and will go to the angel whenever he wants to talk or vent. Jack is also comfortable with Castiel enough to confide his darkest secrets no matter how awful they are. That’s the foundation of the everlasting trust built between them. They’re just tethered to one another in such a way that nothing will divide them. 

I’ll begin with the hospital scene from 14x07 where Castiel is being the rock to his ailing son who can barely stand on his feet. There’s so much anxiety radiating off him in this moment as he struggles with watching Jack suffer; holding him so close. Staring at his face you can tell this horrible situation is ripping him apart. Actually, the entire episode is basically just Castiel silently enduring the pain of Jack dying.

The second set of screencaps underneath are of 14x10; Jack is agitated by AU!Michael’s antagonistic claims that his family’s love for him isn’t unconditional. Reading into one of his greatest fears. But then Castiel instantly calls out to his son, grabs the crook of his arm; gently reassuring him none of this is true. And Jack doesn’t resist this as he knows his dad is sincere. He never has to question Cas’s feelings towards him as his physical touch alone is self-explanatory. But when it comes to the Winchesters, that’s a whole other conversation.    

Next, we have one of my favorite emotionally-charged Dadstiel moments in 14x14; where in a fit of panic because the anti venom wasn’t working Jack, going against Castiel’s warnings not to risk burning off his soul, is compelled to use his powers to save his dad. And I love this because this time its Jack who’s the one initiating all the physical contact. Just as the recovered angel demands what he’s done, his son responds with a soft “you’re okay” and the “I love you dad” shoulder touch as well as firmly gripping his arm.  

Finally stepping away from season 14 I’m going to briefly go over the caps from season 15. Let’s begin with 15x11 the Dadstiel reunion scene at the church which is so beautifully poignant. Castiel is so overjoyed to see Jack alive that he takes a second to look over his equally stunned son, touching his shoulders before they embrace. This is by far one of Cas and Jack’s top father/son moments on the show and it’s done so effectively. If you want a more in-depth description for what I love about this scene, you can read my post about it here.

After that is the 15x13 Dadstiel moment where Castiel, suspicious of Jo’s story about the Occultum, had asked Jack to temporarily kill him in order to go see Ruby in the Empty. Two things I really like about this; 1. even though Jack still doesn’t have a soul, is very concerned about and protective over Castiel because of that deal. And 2. again Jack is initiating all the touching in this scene; look at the way he grasps his dad’s arm as he returns him to life. It’s almost as if he’s hoping the touch of his hand will not only speed up the process but also reach his dad so his essence isn’t lost forever.   

And then we have 15x17. We didn’t get much Dadstiel interaction in this episode but the amount of times Castiel protectively holds onto his agonized child, who’d been turned into a cosmic bomb about to go off any minute, having no regard for the danger he’s in is so visually gut-wrenching. There’s a specific moment in the scene where, as Sam and Dean are arguing, Castiel is sitting on the floor just clutching Jack tight. Trying to non-verbally soothe him.

And this is followed up in the first half of 15x18, aka THEIR VERY LAST EPISODE TOGETHER ever on Supernatural. Here is where everything about their connection comes full circle with Castiel refusing to abandon Jack no matter the situation. Demonstrating the extent of his devotion by willing to die for his child just as he’d sacrificed his happiness to save Jack from the Empty. Because that is his son and nothing not even death itself can ever destroy what they have. Much as the young Nephilim boy begs for his dad to stay away, yells that he doesn’t want to hurt him; Castiel kneeling to Jack’s eye-level doesn’t leave his side. Then when Jack disappears to the Empty and reappears back at the bunker reformed, Castiel’s hand remains firmly glued to his son’s shoulder. He doesn’t want Jack to feel afraid or traumatized any further.

This was such an intense part of the episode I mean just look at how stressed out these two were. The anguish in their expressions. Simply put, Cas and Jack cannot bare to live without the other. They’re each other’s home; two sides of the same soul. Castiel loves all of Jack; the good, the bad and the ugly. This is an EPIC father and son’s love that knows no bounds. So powerful and pure that it transcended the loss of Jack’s soul, Lucifer’s DNA, the Empty, Mary Winchester’s death and everything else in between. Oh, and guess what, their “I love you” Dadstiel shoulder touches aren’t limited to just their hands. Its in every single one of their hugs too.  

Notice how their chins or faces just comfortably rest on top of each other’s shoulders. And except for 14x20 their eyes are shut, as if to savor every single second of that closeness. Jack just buries himself against Castiel like he’s never felt safer with anyone else in the whole universe. And both of them hold each other; giving and receiving the other’s love with their whole self. Like I can’t even begin to describe how much Castiel and Jack’s softness towards each other just melts my heart. Their relationship, despite the horror tongue-in-cheek atmosphere of SPN, is surprisingly sweet, healthy and endearing. They are the epitome of true unconditional love and a great contrast to the Winchester brothers. In my humble opinion Castiel and Jack’s father/son dynamic is the best thing to happen to this show in a long while.

For the closing segment of this analysis I want to do something special before I discuss the paralleled-angst driven Dadstiel shoulder touches in 15x15 and 15x18. First off, I can’t shout enough praise from the rooftops about the insanely remarkable chemistry between Alexander Calvert and Misha Collins. Just brilliant casting. They embody these characters heart and soul and make this relationship feel so real, genuine and grounded. The fact that they look so similar in appearance really sells the idea that these two could actually be father and son. Forget the scripts, the quiet subtly these two bring to Castiel and Jack is the true magic of their relationship.

Let me start with the Dadstiel centric 15x15 aka THE BEST EPISODE of Supernatural season 15. This amazing masterpiece of art is everything I could’ve asked for and more; giving me so much precious father/son content that I will cherish forever. I really enjoyed seeing Castiel and Jack in those matching ties, bonding with each other over a case while they save the day. It’s a shame this show never let these two have more solo adventures together because they’re truly a joy to watch onscreen. Fingers crossed for that spinoff.

But I digress, the car scene in question happens at the very end of the episode in which Jack reveals the alarming truth that he has to die in order to stop Chuck and Amara. And Castiel, visibly and outspokenly distraught by this news, has to be assuaged with that infamous shoulder touch by his son; who’s in just as much pain. This is without a doubt one of most emotional scenes between these two characters out of the last three seasons of the show and quite possibly one of Misha and Alex’s strongest acting moments after the Dadstiel church reunion in 15x11. They killed it with the feels here. I like the attention to detail, the shadows and the colors in the shot, the melancholic score as well as how it seamlessly switches from Jack’s perspective to Castiel’s. Seriously watching this scene always makes me cry its so devastating.

 Lastly, we have the Dadstiel car scene in 15x18; and Castiel and Jack’s LAST ONE-ON-ONE together. I’m kind of disappointed by this if I’m being honest. Its not that its bad its just not that definitively great for a final scene between these characters. Especially after four seasons of development. Where are the stakes? Why don’t Jack and Castiel seem as concerned about their situation? Cute as that smile was it doesn’t fit the tone. And where’s that punch in the gut knowing something is going to separate these two any second? It’s too light and doesn’t come off like a goodbye or a cathartic bookend which is what I wanted to take away from the episode considering its title “Despair”.

I mean if they were going to follow up on that heartbreaking car scene at the end of “Gimme Shelter”, the 15x18 scene wasn’t the way to do it. So, the weight of this final interaction feels almost non-existent. Maybe if it had taken place at night and the dialogue solely focused on them not the Winchesters it would’ve faired better. But since this isn’t a rant post I’ll cut to the chase by saying that the only saving grace this moment has happens in the last part. Jack’s in tears telling his dad how scared he is that he can’t use his powers to protect anyone. Coming off very childlike and vulnerable; needing that parental protection that Castiel was always known for. And sure enough, he gives Jack that final “I love you” shoulder touch which I swear had me choked a little. 

Rethinking about it now that the show is over actually makes their final moment together really sad as incomplete as it is. I not only look back on how much these characters were drastically underutilized but how much the Dadstiel storyline could’ve been executed better with all the development that it was given. Well there you have it my full Dadstiel shoulder-touch analysis. Hope you’ve enjoyed!

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. CXIII

It was a love story from the very beginning.

It's About Romance

(14x07/14x08)

Hello! We are going to talk about Castiel's deal with the Empty and Jack again, as the catalyzer of Destiel.

I will talk a few words about episode 14x07 and then will jump to Castiel in 14x08. As you already know, season 14 it the season where I started to write metas so this observation will be based on them.

You can check my metas from these episodes following the links: X - X- X - X.

Melancholy

Episode 14:07 had a lot of melancholy on it. Mostly about Destiel first encounter in the barn.

Dean and CAS were shown as in different pages in these episode, as a preamble to their break up.

Gif credit @deanwinchsteir

Ok... Yeah. Again... Trying to know how is Dean doing through Sammy. This is the kind of stuffs you do when you are mad at someone but still want to know how is he going? Yeah, you ask his brothers or friends.

I wrote all this lines when I watched the episode the first time. So, the writers were showing us Dean and Castiel this way for some reason. Because they were foreshadowing their big fight.

But also, 14x06 and 14x07 sowed us Dean with a clueless Jack (a reminder of Castiel) with barns. These scenes and Dean rembering 'love at first stab' at the end of episode 14x06, was why I immediately connected it with Destiel first meeting.

Gif credit @magnificent-winged-beast

Again, the melancholy presaging the Destiel break up. And also, the foreshadow of episode 300. In which Dean will lose Castiel. He will face an angel that never saved him from Hell.

Castiel's happiness

When the episode of Castiel's deal with the Empty was aired, I asked myself what would make Castiel happy? And also, why was the Empty so focused on that?

Then I presumed the Empty always wanted Castiel. Even when he invaded Heaven to find Jack, he was pointing at Castiel.

Gif set credit @angvlicmish

Because happiness had a lot of artists, we could think about Castiel, what else is inside of him? What's he yearning for?

We all know now, it was Dean.

I can answer this question I made to myself when I wrote this: CASTIEL'S HAPPINESS IS DEAN WINCHESTER.

The sole introduction of this deal with the Empty plot, gave the show the romantic Destiel development it had from now on. Writers will focus the storyline between Chuck and Destiel. And this will follow Castiel until the closure of his character in episode 15x18 (sadly... Because Castiel deserves better, and it wasn't the closure we expected.)

To Conclude:

The melancholic scenes played in episode 14x06 and 14x07 and I want to add 14x04, were linked to Destiel break up plot.

The introduction of Castiel's deal with the Empty gave the plot the romanticism in which the writers would focus the entire a season 15.

Hope you like this meta, see you in the next one.

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @dizzypinwheel @horsez2002 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @belacoded @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @deancasgirl777

If you want to be added or removed from this list just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from season 14 here you have the links:

Vol. CIX, CX, CXI, CXII

Buenos Aires, May 17th 2021 1:22 PM

[castiel-kline]

In need of one of your rambles about Kelly and Jack right now, please. All this talk about him being destiel's love child?? No, he is Kelly's son first and foremost.

Hey, anon.

First of all, y’all will never hear me say that Cas isn’t 100% Jack’s dad, because he is. But Jack being reduced to destiel’s baby in a lot of fanon circles makes me endlessly mad because Jack has a lot of people he sees as parental figures, and while Cas is rightfully very high on that quality ranking Dean is quite low. AND, to make matters worse, it erases other key contributions. Yes, Sam’s, but there have been a bunch of posts made about that already. And Kelly’s influence is so often forgotten or glossed over in other scenarios as well, so thanks for the opportunity to talk about it. It feels kinda timely today.

You said Jack is Kelly’s son first and foremost, and I agree. Despite Jack viewing multiple people as father figures, and despite how close he is with Cas specifically, he’s 100% a mama’s boy. He kept her name, he has a picture of her on his nightstand, and you can bet he still watches that flash drive regularly. He’s constantly worried about her- one of the first things he asked Cas about was Heaven, because he wanted to make sure Kelly was okay. He’s actually asked about if Kelly’s safe in Heaven multiple times, the other that I can remember off the top of my head being 14x09. I think his decision to renovate Heaven was entirely in character, because he was probably thinking of ways to fix it up to make it better for his mother his entire life.

And he looks to her as a moral compass! The prevailing reason why he gave Lucifer a shot in s13 was because Kelly told him no one would blame him for being curious about him. He’s feeling lost in early s14, and by that point Cas had probably told Jack everything he could about Kelly, so Jack seeks her out by going to her parents. He’s more concerned about if she’s safe than the fact that he just got chased by sentient goop in 14x08, and her (and Cas) being on board with the plan for his resurrection assured him that it was okay. In 14x20 he hits a point where he doesn’t know what to do, so he seeks out Kelly for guidance through Grandma Kline. When that doesn’t work out he seeks out his secondary guiding force- Cas.

My point is that I think Jack absolutely views himself as Kelly’s son first, and tries to live up to her legacy in any way he can. Like he said to his grandparents, he hopes to have a little bit of her purpose and courage. I don’t know about y’all, but I think he for sure got there.

Anyway, he’s Jack KLINE for a reason. That reason is that he never forgot about his mother, no matter how much he loves Cas as his dad (and the Winchesters to a lesser extent) so we as a collective fandom shouldn’t forget about her either.

[eatsleepandsupernatural]

Saved - Chapter Eight

Saved Masterlist

Pairings: Alpha!Dean x Omega!Reader

Warnings: Character Death, Angst, Character Resurrection, excerpts from 14x08

Word Count: 2,243

A/N: Hey! The following chapter does contain some aspects of the Supernatural episode Byzantium. I would like to just state that I do not own those particular paragraphs of this chapter or of course the characters (but we already knew that). You probably didn’t expect the chapter to go this way, it was my plan from the beginning because of an idea I had, can’t tell you yet. Anyway, hope you don’t mind and I hope you enjoy! XX

Tags: @akshi8278​ @goddessofmischiefs​ @flutistbyday2020​ @samsgirl93​

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

Chapter 8 

   Tossing and turning, surrounding yourself with your Alphas scent, no matter how hard you tried, you can’t sleep. Your thoughts are on Jack, the image of him collapsing on the floor, coughing up blood, is replaying over and over in your mind. He had quickly become your closest friend, keeping you company while Sam and Dean went on hunts. You had made a habit of sneaking into the ‘Dean Cave’, cooking up some popcorn and watching movies for hours at a time. The way Jack’s eyes fixed on the T.V like an excited puppy always made you smile. You had barely known him, but the memory of him passing away, his hand grasped firmly in yours, was overwhelming. 

   You shove the covers off and leave your room in search of Dean and some comfort. You had gone to bed once he and Cas brought Sam back safely after he had left the bunker, feeling the need for some alone time. Hours have passed and your need for your Alpha grew stronger every second. 

   You find him passed out in the kitchen, surrounded by empty glasses and half drunk bottles of whiskey, snoring louder than you had ever heard. 

   ‘Dean...Dean, you shouldn’t sleep here.’ You speak softly into his ear and gently shake his shoulder in an effort to wake him up. ‘Dean.’ 

   ‘I don’t think he’s waking up anytime soon, Y/N.’ You turn around to face Cas, who is watching you from the doorway. ‘Why are you awake?’ 

   ‘I never went to sleep, couldn't.’ You admit quietly, knowing what was going to come next, silently wishing it was Sam who had found you. 

   Cas glances between you and Dean before sighing and holding out his hand, ‘It would be unfair to wake him now. Come on, I’ll get you settled.’ 

   You place your hand in his and let him lead you back to your room, but you don’t make it easy for him, dragging your feet along the way. There is no hiding the fact that you are frustrated with him, with everyone. Jack is dead and they are still hiding things. You want to know why Jack was sick in the first place, and for how long. You want to know why, whenever you ask about anything supernatural related you are ignored. 

   ‘Y/N, what are you doing? Aren’t you tired?’ Cas asks when you pull your hand from his and take a few steps back to put some space between you. 

   ‘I am tired. I am tired of being kept in the dark. Did you ever think that maybe I would have been able to help Jack if I had known what was going on? He was my friend, and I lost him, and I don’t even know why. All you guys do is keep me in the dark for ‘my protection’, but one day, that’s going to come back and bite you in the arse. I may have been afraid of the idea of monsters being real when I first moved in, but I’ve seen Sam and Dean come back from enough hunts to accept that truth now. I’m ready to fight, to help. Dean, he is never going to let me near a gun. I need you to let me help, teach me to fight Cas, please.’ 

   Cas stares at you, surprised by your outburst. He frowns for a moment, deep in thought, before approaching you slowly. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. I will talk to Dean.’ 

   You roll your eyes at his response and slouch your shoulders. ‘Like that will do...Hey!’ 

   Cas cuts you off mid sentence, grabbing you around the waist and placing two fingers to your forehead. ‘Go to sleep Y/N’

   ‘Y/N, wake up,’

   ‘Omega.’ A firm hand on your shoulder and the smooth voice of your Alpha draws you from a peaceful, deep sleep. Your eyes meet Deans tired ones, the bags sitting below them prominent. 

   ‘Morning’. You sit up against the bed head, accepting the glass of water Dean offers you. 

   ‘Afternoon, actually.’ 

   ‘Stupid Angel.’ You grunt, making Dean chuckle softly. 

   ‘I had an interesting conversation with Cas this morning.’ He informs you, turning serious once again. ‘He told me you had trouble sleeping, went for a late night stroll.’ 

   ‘Didn’t realise that was something I wasn’t allowed to do.’ You shoot back. You aren’t sure where the attitude is coming from, but you are sick of Dean’s Alpha behaviour. 

   ‘I didn’t say that.’ He speaks quickly, eyes scanning your face in an attempt to read your thoughts. ‘But he told me what you spoke about, and I’m sorry. Truly. My intentions were always to keep you safe, and in doing so, I’ve pushed you away. And you’re right, chances of you holding a gun in this lifetime, or any other lifetime are pretty small. But you’re also right, that I have been letting the Alpha in me control my actions, and I have been unfair to you. If you believe that you are ready, you can be put on research duty. That means books only, no knives, no guns, no ghosts. We got a deal?’ 

   You stare at your Alpha with wide eyes, shocked and disbelieving. Dean stands up from the bed and smiles down at you, ‘You coming? You might want to get dressed. We have a guest.’ 

   You take a few minutes to compose yourself, washing your face and brushing your teeth in the basin, before getting dressed and leaving your room in search of the others. 

   The library is not how you left it last night, furniture has been moved to the side, and Sam and Dean stand next to a table in the middle of what looks to be a very intense discussion making you pause at the door and hide behind the wall, you decide waiting out the conversation is the best idea. 

   ‘Use the soul-sucking magic? Boy, that lady’s a peach.’ Dean’s tone of voice surprises you, and you realise this was one of the things he was trying to hide from you, his hunter side.

   ‘Listen, we talked about this.’ Sam interjects.

   ‘I know. Gotta happen. It’s the only way. Right. But I don’t like rolling the dice on some psycho ex-angel killer.’

   ‘I don’t love it, either, but taking risks, making crappy deals--that’s what we do.’

   ‘Yeah, and they usually bite us in the arse.’ You smile at Dean’s choice of words, remembering what you had said to Cas last night.

   ‘So, what do you want to do about it? Leave Jack in the morgue? Burn him?’ That’s the moment you realise that they were planning to do something about Jack, to try and bring him back. You had heard snippets of conversations before, you knew that both Sam and Dean had died at least once. 

   ‘I didn’t say that.’

   ‘Because, for me, not doing this--that-- that would be like letting him die all over again.’ At Sam’s words your heart almost breaks all over again and you struggle to hold back tears. 

   ‘I want Jack back, too okay? I do. I just don’t trust Lily. Especially with my little eavesdropper.’ 

   If you hadn’t had that conversation with Dean ten minutes ago, your heart would have dropped to your stomach. You straighten your back and peek around the doorway with a small smile on your face. ‘I didn’t want to interrupt.’ 

   Dean rolls his eyes but waves you over, and you reach him the same time Cas comes up the steps looking more than stressed. 

   ‘You got a twenty on Jack?’ Dean asks, eyes pleading for a yes.

   ‘Not exactly. Angel Radio is playing a distress signal.’ 

   ‘Awesome’, He replies, letting his arms fall, surely mirroring his disappointment. 

   ‘All of Heaven’s gates are open, even the ones that Metatron closed.’

   ‘What could that mean?’ Sam asks.

   ‘I don’t know but it’s not good.’

   ‘More awesome.’ Dean says, making you reach out and grab his hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

   ‘All right, well you go. We got Lily. When we’re ready, we’ll pray.’ Sam says, hoping that the solution will be enough.

   Cas shares a look with Sam and Dean before walking away and to do whatever he had to do. 

   ‘What’s going on?’ You ask, turning back to face the two Alphas.

   ‘We may have a way to bring Jack back. It’s risky, but we figured it’s worth a shot. You can hang around for now, but if I need you to leave later, you have to trust me. We’ve never done this before Y/N.’ 

   You are tempted to argue but something in Sam’s eyes makes you change your mind. He is watching you carefully, eyes wide, pleading with you to reassure Dean that you’ll listen. 

   ‘Got it, just tell me to go make myself some lunch, and I’m gone.’ As soon as you see Dean’s entire body relax you know you have made the right decision and Sam shoots you the biggest smile, to which you respond with an eye roll. It’s as if they don’t believe you can behave. 

   ‘Alright, hand me that glass bottle would ya?’ Dean gestures behind you as he moves to fiddle with some paint and a bowl on the table. 

   You pick it up, inspecting the clear liquid inside before handing it over and you and Sam watch as he pours the liquid in and stirs the paint around. He picks up the bowl and holds out a piece of paper for him to copy from and you watch in awe as Dean expertly paints a large symbol on the wooden floor. 

   ‘The instruction manual’. You had been watching Dean so closely you hadn’t heard the footsteps of another person approach the three of you and you jump away in shock as she hands an old leather-bound book to Sam. 

   ‘It’s alright Y/N,’ Sam reassures you before turning to face the older woman who you assume must be Lily gives you a questioning look before turning back to Sam. ‘Thanks. All right, we’re almost set. Just got to get one more thing. I’m gonna go grab it.’ He says, he gives you a second reassuring smile before walking off. You watch him go, as he does, he grabs Dean’s attention and nods in the direction of you and the strange woman. 

   Dean puts the bowl and brush down on the ground as he stands up and walks towards you, watching where he steps. He gives you a quick smile before addressing Lily.

   ‘You know, I think we got off to a bad start. Um, I guess I should be thanking you.’

   ‘Apology accepted.’ You frown at Lily’s response and her attitude towards your Alpha, but you stay quiet, unwilling to test any boundaries on the first day. ‘Are you going to introduce me?’ 

   ‘Uh, right. This is Y/N, my mate. Y/N, this is Lily Sunder, an old...acquaintance.’

   ‘Nice to meet you.’ You nod from your corner with a small smile, not a fan of strangers. Lily was a beta, but she gives off a weird vibe that makes you uncomfortable. 

   ‘There, you’re acquainted, great. Except, something’s been bothering me. Uh, you know, if this magic of yours is so great...why’d you stop using it? You’re letting yourself get old. You’re letting yourself die. Why? Why risk going to hell if you don’t have to? There’s something you’re not telling us.’

   You raise your eyebrows at Dean’s words and look to Lily, waiting for her answer. Is this magic too risky to use on Jack? 

   ‘When Ishim took my daughter, I swore I’d kill him, even if it meant burning my entire soul. But it didn’t. I have a sliver, a whisper of my soul left.’

   ‘And?’ Dean prompts, getting impatient.

   ‘May--my daughter, my little girl--is in heaven. And if there is still a piece of my soul...Now do you understand?’ 

   You are deep in thought when Sam comes back carrying a box filled to the brim with candles. You watch as he places them down at different points on the symbol like he had done it hundreds of times before. 

   ‘Sweetheart.’ Your head whips up at the sound of Dean calling from the other side of the room, breaking you from your thoughts. ‘Why don’t you go make yourself that lunch we talked about.’ You glance back over to Sam who’s already looking at you, one eyebrow raised, a reminder of your promise. 

   ‘I was getting hungry anyway. You know where I’ll be if you need me.’ Sending your Alpha one last long look before making your way to the kitchen. 

   You take your time, deciding to make a pasta salad, one of your favourite home-made dishes from before your parents became alcoholics. 

   Twenty minutes later, one potato salad and a cup of tea, your curiosity gets the better of you. You quietly make your way down the hallway and poke your head around the corner to see Jack sitting up on the table saying words you don’t understand, Sam and Dean standing either side of him. 

   ‘Was that my soul?’ He asks, looking up at Dean.

   ‘How do you feel?’ Dean queries, his hands hovering over Jack as if he is expecting something to go wrong. 

   ‘Good. I feel...good.’

   Sam smiles as Dean gives Jack a quick hug.

   ‘It’s good to have you back’, he says with his hand resting on Jack’s shoulder. 

   You are about to join them when you notice Lily sitting in your favourite chair, umoving.

   ‘Lily, thank you,’ Dean speaks from beside Jack. 

   ‘Yeah. Lily..’ Sam’ voice is halted when he sees Lily. 

   ‘Lily?’ Dean calls once more but there is no response. 

   ‘How about Jack and I go back to his room, I can help him get settled?’ You ask tentatively from the door. 

   The Alpha’s turn to face you faster than you thought possible. ‘How long have you been standing there?’ Sam asks, his lips twitching as he tries to hold back a smile. 

   ‘Long enough. I got bored.’ You smile at Jack who slowly turns around to meet gaze.

   Dean rolls his eyes at your excuse for leaving the kitchen but keeps his opinions to himself all the same. ‘You wanna hang out with Y/N for a bit Jack? We’ve got some clean-up to do.’

   Jack nodded, ‘I like the sound of that,’ he says getting off the table and making his way over to you on wobbly legs. 

   ‘I’ve changed my mind, why don’t we break into Dean’s room instead.’ You suggest, wagging your eyebrows at him in excitement.

   ‘Can we watch Star Wars? I like that one.’

   ‘Jack, we can watch anything you want.’

[thefriendlyfrog]

Too many thoughts on SPN 15x17, “Unity”

Welp, I don’t usually do this, but this episode was so great and packed with so many good parallels and callbacks I couldn’t help it! Meredith Glynn is such a great writer. So, let’s begin. Lots of spoilers under the cut.

The first scene opens up to Amara living life to the fullest in an Icelandic hot spring (I’ve been to some in Iceland and would 10/10 recommend – don’t bother with the Blue Lagoon, though). My eyes were immediately drawn to the super recognizable cover of Murakami’s “Norwegian Wood”. Now, I haven’t read this book since, like, high school (now realizing that was a DECADE ago), but I do remember the general plot and themes of the story (I should really reread that again, it’s a good book). Basically, the story is recalled by our narrator and protagonist Watanabe at a later point in his life as he is reminded of a time of life when the Beatles’ song “Norwegian Wood” plays. I don’t want to spoil the whole book, but basically it is a coming of age story that is steeped in themes of regret, sex, love, and death (among others, it really is a literary treasure trove!). Skip the next paragraph if you don’t want “Norwegian Wood” spoilers.

In short: Watanabe’s best friend from high school commits suicide which haunts him and his friend’s girlfriend, Naoki, for the rest of their lives. Watanabe and Naoki become close and romantically involved, but she leaves for a sanitorium. Watanabe wants to be with Naoki despite her telling him that she doesn’t think she can love anymore (she described herself and her high school boyfriend as soulmates). Watanabe later meets Naoki’s opposite, Midori, a lively girl who Watanabe grows close to and is also interested in. Watanabe essentially doesn’t move forward as he is waiting on Naoki while having Midori waiting on him. At the end of the story, it is revealed that it has always been Midori and he realizes he wants to be with her.

I thought that this was an EXCELLENT pick for Amara to be reading. It really sums of a lot of surface and not-so-surface level themes in Supernatural. Wondering if there is a parallel between Dean and Watanabe about sort of idealizing a life (with someone) that isn’t meant to be while ignoring love in front of you? Would love to hear all of your thoughts.

Moving on (I’m skipping through parts of the episode to just focus on some key observations)! Amara tries to convince Chuck to fight on behalf of this world and wants to show him some of his creations. So, she brings him to Heaven to see his ‘first children’ (i.e., angels). She also refers to angels as having prefect angelic devotion which immediately made me laugh because our fave angel Cas is really devoted to Dean humanity and not Chuck. Ahh! This whole episode just kept pointing out how special Cas is.

And then, callback after callback began. Amara brings Chuck to the bunker so Chuck says, “Is this a trap?” which made me think of episode 9 (“The Trap” by Berens). This was almost immediately followed by another callback when Chuck says, “You can’t hold me here forever,” to which Amara replies, “I can hold you long enough.” Um, Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets (12x10, Yockey), anyone?

Ishim: “You can’t hold me here forever.” … Lily’s powers are wearing off as Ishim approaches her until Cas stabs Ishim in the back with his angel blade. Cas: “You held him for long enough.”

Like, COME ON! Almost verbatim.

Skipping forward to Dean and Jack’s adventure to visit my favorite hippies, Adam and Serafina (like seriously, they were fantastic characters!). Adam refers to himself as, “…first dude off of the assembly line,” which is similar language that has been used to referring to angels in the past (again, invoking Castiel?)

Then Dean assumes the woman is Eve but they both just shake their heads and chuckle, “I’m Serafina,” I’m definitely not the first one to point this out but… the First Man being in a near-lifelong romantic relationship with an angel named Seraph Serafina?! Uh, yeah, ‘nuff said.

Serafina also mentions that she saw Jack when she and Adam were, “…sipping mushroom tea on the Hanging Gardens of Babylon,” which made me wonder if there was some sort of connection with Glynn’s season 14 episode, “Byzantium” (14x08), which is the episode Cas makes his deal with the Empty. Babylon was a fortress of the Byzantine empire (not going to lie, my historical knowledge about the Byzantine empire is preeeeetty limited).  

I also loved the whole speech by Serafina to Dean: “I mean, just think of everything that has had to happen to get Jack to this place, to this moment. Baby, it was meant to be,” Dean, of course, is upset by this because he is probably thinking that this was all basically predestined, and he has had no free will. However, he just needs to wait a little while longer until Chuck tells him to his face that he has never been able to control Cas since he laid his hand on Dean saving him from Hell.

Serafina also heals Adam’s wound and it is, of course, super reminiscent of Cas healing Dean (although, even Serafina doesn’t directly touch Adam when healing him – it’s, once again, unique to Castiel). Obligatory hand squeal: HANDS!!!! Wow, they are not even trying to be subtle about the whole hands thing. It is so IN YOUR FACE begging for the audience to notice it.

Adam then mentions how much power is in his rib: “But this puppy? Is packing enough punch to create LIFE. Or, in your case, destroy God.” Well, at this point I think we can all be pretty certain that in the end it will NOT be used to destroy God, so will it instead be used for creation? Excited to see how they defuse Jack’s supernova bomb next episode.

Rounding off Dean’s vignette is a heartbreaking scene with him and Jack in the Impala. Dean says, “I don’t know how to explain it. When I learned about Chuck, it was like – it’s like I wasn’t alive. Not really. You know, like, my whole life I’ve never been free. But like, really free. But now, me and Sam, we got a shot at living a life…But now we have a chance. And that’s because of you.” Again, this is before Dean learns that Cas’ actions were made of his own free will, and from the sounds of it, Dean’s connection to Amara as well. I also immediately wondered if Jack bringing Dean some sense of freedom was what Cas saw when Jack showed him “paradise”.

Moving on to Sam’s vignette: Sam remembers that Sergei mentioned the Key of Death was in the bunker (how did he remember this, wasn’t he unconscious at the time? A little disappointed Cas didn’t get to provide that little fact but I’m also glad that Sam actually served a purpose this episode and was a bit more front and center). They find the Key of Death and there is an inscription in Latin on the box:

Viator mortalis, cave, quoniam scias Clavem Mortis pensare graviter. Il tamen desideres ut introeas illum abyssum obscurissimum artis opus est tibi porta.

Okay, fair warning: I took Latin for 4 years but it has been awhile so my translation is super not perfect, but I figured I would take a stab at it because the subtitles were wrong at times and Google translate is not perfect. I translated it as something like this:

Mortal traveler, beware, because you know the Key of Death should be considered seriously. However, if you want to enter the darkest abyss, this work of art is the gate/door.

Honestly, there were a few words that I couldn’t find the right conjugations to and I know this isn’t 100% accurate, but it gives you the gist.

Sam then visits Death’s library and finds the Empty there, killing people (?) to get in touch with Death, whom they hasn’t been trusting as of late. We learn that Death’s plan is to assume the role of New God and restore the world back to order, bring back rules. The Empty is wary because they don’t know if they can trust the promise of being able to go back to sleep. Trust issues, the Empty says, because of “your busted-ass friend in the trench coat,” another subtle-not-so-subtle mention of Cas. But why, exactly, did Cas give the Empty ‘trust issues’? Was it because he woke up in the first place? Because he has ‘traipsed in and out’ of the Empty without dying?

We also learn that only Billie can read Chuck’s Death book, and, this may be a crack idea but… maybe Cas should be able to read the book because he was the one that killed Billie and made her Death in the first place? Seems like Cas might have a connection to Billie. It would be cool if Cas were the one to read Chuck’s book.

Finally, we learn a bit more about the Empty, and how they can’t go to Earth unless summoned. Hmm…

Flash forward to Amara and Chuck in the bunker. Amara tells Chuck, “It’s not too late, brother,” and, if you’re like me, you finished that sentence with “it’s never too late (to start all over again)”. So many great Destiel songs out there, but “Never Too Late” takes the cake for me.

Amara and Chuck decide to become one, become ultimate balance. Chuck extends his hand and Amara grasps it as she is absorbed into Chuck. I don’t even know if I really need to say this, but… HANDS! (Destiel is already canon to me but if the show is going to make it more explicitly canon for the audience, it’s going to be through hands as I know people have been shouting about for several seasons now).  

To finish, let’s talk about that kick-ass scene with TFW 2.0 at the end of the episode. We find out that Chuck’s real ending is to have Dean regress and give in to rage and kill everything he loves, probably ultimately leading to his own death. Woof, what a tragic ending (tragedy ≠ good ending). So, we’ve got to subvert that which Dean does after a heartfelt plea from Sam (“You would trade me?”). I enjoyed how much Dean looked back at Cas during this exchange, especially after Sam tells Dean that Eileen will die again. The parallels, the connection.

Honestly, I’m not sure why Cas and Jack were in that scene other than to have some meaningful glances exchanged between Cas and Dean and because TFW2.0 is together in the next scene. But… whatever, more Cas so I liked it.

And finally, the scene that had me shaking with VINDICATION.

Cas to Chuck: “What, you consumed your sister?” Chuck: “We came to an understanding, so spare me your contempt Castiel, the self-hating angel of Thursday. You know what every other version of you did after ‘gripping him tight and raising him from perdition’? They did what they were told. But not you. Not the ‘one off the line with a crack in his chassis’” (Cas looks back at Dean after a moment)

Okay, so let’s break this exchange down. So much satisfaction with just a few sentences. Bravo, Ms. Glynn.

“We came to an understanding.” Didn’t Michael and Adam say the same thing after they decided to share equally in their bond and vessel? Callback #1.

“…self-hating angel of Thursday.” Ahh, it’s been so long since we got mention that Cas is the angel of Thursday. The last time was, what, when Crowley says it to Cas back in season 6? By the way, it was totally meant to be that Supernatural will finish off the series on a Thursday. Callback #2 (ish).

“You know what every other version of you did after ‘gripping him tight and raising him from perdition’?” This is the second time the show has repeated Cas’ first line to Dean near-verbatim in two seasons. You know, just in case the audience forgot Dean and Cas’ infamous first meeting (which I am like 99% sure we are going to get hella callbacks to next episode). Callback #3.

“They did what they were told. But not you. Not the ‘one off the line with a crack in his chassis.’” Again, Chuck is closely paraphrasing what Naomi said about Cas in season 8:

8x21 “The Great Escapist” – Naomi: “You're the famous spanner in the works. Honestly, I think you came off the line with a crack in your chassis. You have never done what you were told. Not completely. You don't even die right, do you?”

Callback #4. Seriously, Glynn packed four callbacks into such a short time period. Wizard.

My only *criticism* of this final scene is that Dean and Cas didn’t seem to react too much to Chuck’s news about Cas always having free will (although, I think Cas already knew this, but it is news and confirmation to Dean!). I highly suspect that will come next week, though. I’m SO excited (and also terrified) for next week. We are definitely going to be getting a lot of Cas next episode. Misha, in an interview, mentioned that we would get Cas’ ‘chapter’ in 18, and I’m wondering if this will be the true Cas-centric episode? I don’t know, maybe the Cas-centric episode was “Gimme Shelter” but I was expecting more of a “The Man Who Would Be King” kind of Cas-centric episode.  

All in all, 10/10. I keep reading and seeing things that are galaxy braining me, so it has been super fun reading all the meta and reactions to this episode.

Three episodes left. Get your tissues ready for Cas’ death (oops, is this even a spoiler at this point?) next episode. And remember, “Nothing ever really ends,” and “The end has no end,”

[doc-pickles]

things just happened (and so did you)

I started this literally in a manic state at like... midnight when I couldn’t sleep. Then I completed it during a 112 degree heat wave so there’s obviously a lot happening here.

Anywaaaaaays I decided to rewrite 14x08 and 14x09 (Out of Nowhere & 1-800-799-7233) because while these episodes are LITERALLY flawless there’s something that every episode of Grey’s could use and that is babies. 

This will be a two shot with the second half coming sometime later this week (we’ll see how my brain decides to work) but I hope you guys enjoy it! 

xoxo Nina

Jo’s morning isn’t starting off great. First day as Chief Resident and not only does she not have the respect of her coworkers, she’s got a migraine that’s burning itself into her skull. She sent everyone off where they need to be and then barricaded herself in a supply closet. The darkness of the small room bringing her a tiny amount of relief. 

“Jo? You in here?”

Shit. Alex…

Suddenly she remembers that she was supposed to be working on a case with Alex this morning. He mentioned it last night as they’d curled up in bed together but with her hectic morning it had completely slipped her mind.

“Hey,” Jo lifted her hand weakly as Alex finally stepped into her line of sight. “I’m sorry, I totally spaced on our case together. I have a migraine and I’m stressed out beyond belief. This whole Chief Resident thing is taking its toll on me.”

Alex looped his arm around Jo’s shoulder, bringing her into a hug she hadn’t realized she’d needed. A deep breath escaped her and before she could comprehend what was happening, Jo was quietly crying into Alex’s shoulder. He took it in stride, rubbing her back and quietly reminding her to breathe. 

“What’s up with you, this is more than just first day jitters,” Alex pulled back, eyes raking over Jo as one hand came up to brush away the tears that had collected on her cheeks. “Are you okay? Talk to me.”

Jo was about to answer him when the past week played over again in her mind. Her emotions had been all over the place, she hadn’t been able to sleep, and her period was late. All three things she had just chalked up to stress and the price of being a perfectionist. Now though, as she stood crying in a supply closet, Jo thought something else might be amiss. 

“I… I don’t know,” Jo bit back the urge to tell Alex her suspicion, not wanting to unintentionally spook him. “I’m gonna find some pain killers and then I’ll meet you in Frankie's room?”

Accepting her answer easily enough, probably because the plan involved seeing him again so soon, Alex pressed a chaste kiss to Jo’s lips before leaving her be. Once she was alone, she rummaged around the shelves for a moment before coming up with pain killers for her head and two pregnancy tests. She knew Alex would start to wonder about her whereabouts if she didn’t show up soon, but the anxiety of not knowing pushed Jo to run to the restroom first.

Whatever the outcome, you will be fine. You’re Jo Wilson, you’ve got this. 

Jo breezed into Frankie’s room a few minutes later, face flushed as she took in Helm, Alex, and Frankie's mom all staring at her. She waved her hand at them, promptly asking Helm to present the case. She could feel Alex’s gaze on her as Helm talked, but she tried her best to ignore it. 

“Good job Helm, now you can see if mom has any questions,” Jo gestured to Frankie’s mom, who was eyeing Alex appreciatively. “Mrs. Baner? Any questions for us?”

“Not today, just take care of my baby,” she ran a hand through her son's hair, smiling at him before turning to Jo. “He’s the light of my life, I want to make sure you all give him the best care. Do you have children Doctor Wilson?”

Jo’s eyes widened as she stared at the woman with a stunned expression. The question had shocked her, her brain suddenly unsure of how to answer. Her uncharacteristic delay was only made worse when both Alex and Helm turned to her quizzically.

“Um no,” Jo voiced much quieter than normal, her heart beating erratically as her fingers slipped into her lab coat and grasped the two plastic sticks in her pocket. “No, I don’t have children yet. But I can assure you that Doctor Karev and I will take excellent care of Frankie. He’s one of the best peds surgeons so you’re in good hands. If I had kids, I’d want him to take care of them.”

“I have to agree with you Doctor Wilson, we do love having Doctor Karev around,” Mrs. Baner added looking at Alex with that smirk again. Jo could sense Alex gawking at her, this time not trying (but failing) to hide the fact. “Well thank you for stopping by doctors.”

Jo turned and exited the room without a goodbye, hearing Alex wrap up the pleasantries as she began to walk further and further down the hall. Her chest was constricting, a swell of burning nausea rising up her esophagus as she heard Alex calling her name from behind. 

“Jo! Hey,” Alex huffs, finally catching up with her. Resting his strong hand on her shoulder as he steered her into an empty exam room. “You’re acting really weird, you kinda freaked back there. Will you please tell me what’s wrong?”

“I’m fi-”

“You’re not fine, Jo. I know you better than I know myself,” Alex brushed away a stray hair from Jo’s eyes as she fought back the urge to cry. “Babe, I’m worried about you. If it’s just nerves then fine, but I think it’s more than that.”

Not trusting herself to say something coherent, Jo lifted the pregnancy tests from her pocket and placed them in Alex’s hand. She hadn’t removed her own hand from on top of his, but the wide eyed look he gave her told Jo that Alex knew exactly what she’d given him. 

“I haven’t looked at them yet,” Jo could feel the tears welling in her eyes finally spill over as she looked up at Alex. “That’s why I didn’t know how to answer Frankie’s mom. Because I hadn’t looked at the pregnancy tests I just took.”

“Oh,” Alex blinked, his free hand wrapping around Jo’s waist and rubbing her back softly. “Do you… do you want me to look?”

Staring at Alex deeply she finally allowed herself to actually consider the situation. She was, for the first time in her life, finally at a place where a baby wouldn’t be an inconvenience or a problem. She was loved by this amazing man in front of her and she had a job where she was excelling. So really she had no real reason to worry about bringing a child into the world. It was a safe and stable world that she had worked so hard to build.

“You look, I trust you,” Jo lifted her hand from on top of Alex’s and watched his face closely as he turned over both plastic sticks. His expression remained unchanged, eyes moving back up to meet Jo’s. “Well?”

Alex didn’t say anything as he moved his hand from Jo’s back to her stomach, a small grin breaking on his face.  

“Surprise.”

Jo can’t help the combination of tears and laughter that flow out of her as she reached up to kiss Alex sweetly. His hand is still pressed against her abdomen as he’s laughs along with her. 

“I guess that’s one way to celebrate you coming back home,” Jo raised her eyebrows suggestively, hinting at the night that they’d conceived as giggles burst between every few words. “Good surprise right?”

“The best I could’ve asked for,” Alex assured Jo as he kissed her again, a groan escaping from his lips as his pager began to beep. His eyes darted to the device, brows furrowing as he leaned back from Jo. “It’s Frankie, I gotta go. I’ll page you if I need you, okay?” 

Jo nodded, relishing in the feeling of Alex’s fingers trailing over her still flat stomach as he hesitated pulling away from her. 

“Go, sick kids need you,” Jo laughed as she ushered Alex away, squeezing his hand as he finally stepped out the door. “I’ll see you soon.”

-

Soon happens to be ten minutes later, Jo receiving a 911 page from Alex that has her speed walking across the hospital to get to Frankie’s room. Alex and Helm are arguing in the hall, an angry expression on his face as he listens to the fumbling intern. 

“I-I-I don't know what the…,” Jo approaches the duo as Helm stutters out an excuse. “I can’t, I don’t know!”

“What’s happening here?” 

“Frankie’s had a headache for awhile,” Alex sighed as he looked from Helm to Jo. Even pissed off, Alex's eyes immediately went to Jo’s midsection, which made her blush. “Now we’re trying to figure out if he got Vitamin K last night or not.” 

Jo rolled her eyes and grabbed the tablet from Helm, punching in her login as she spoke to the intern. 

“He's asking you what he was given last, something to thin his blood or make it clot?”

“I know that. I-I can't open his chart,” Jo tried her login again as Helm explained to Alex what her issue was, but it failed once again. “The screen is locked.”

Jo peered up at Alex, nodding to confirm what Helm had just relayed. An angry groan sounded from Alex, his fist pounding against the wall as he let out a breath of frustration. 

“Okay Helm, prep Frankie for a CT so we can see if we have an issue. And page Shepherd please,” Helm nodded and ran off, Jo looking for instruction from Alex, who was focused on her. “Can you talk to the nurses and see if any of them gave Frankie his injection? I don’t know what’s happening with the computers, but I don’t wanna take chances here.”

“I’ve got you covered, you go make sure he gets his CT,” Jo moved to walk away, but Alex grabbed at her hand so she was pulled into his embrace. His body was still tense with anger, but his eyes were scanning her with concern. After a few beats she asked, “What’s wrong?”

She knew Alex well enough to know that it wasn’t just Frankie clouding his mind. Jo watched for a change in his expression, but none came. 

“Nothing just… be careful?”

“Now you’re going soft on me,” Jo chuckled as she leaned up and pecked Alex’s lips, pulling away and beginning to walk down the hall. “We’ll be back soon!”

-

Fortunately Frankie’s CT scans were clear, but back in his room he immediately began vomiting from the headache. Alex was worried, but tried not to show it for Frankie and his mom's sake. His mind was running a million miles a minute as he went through everything that had happened since he’d clocked in that morning. The hospital was under a cyber attack – hence being locked out of the system earlier, his patient was quite possibly on the verge of a stroke, and he was going to be a father soon. Alex pushed everything irrelevant to the side however as he sat beside Frankie and pulled the little boy into his side.

“I feel like I'm gonna die,” he bemoaned, his tiny head falling against Alex’s chest in exhaustion.

“What? You're not gonna die.”

“Will you do me a favor?,” Alex looked down to Frankie, who wore a serious expression as he glanced up at Alex. 

“Anything.”

“If I die... will you marry my mom,” Alex laughed at Frankie’s request, but the boy continued talking. “She really likes you. And I know she'll be safe.”

“You're not gonna die,” Alex stated again. He looked around the room, assuring no one else was around, and leaned down to look at Frankie in excitement. “But you wanna know a secret?”

“What?”

“I can’t marry your mom, because I’m gonna have a baby soon,” Frankie’s eyes widened as he processed Alex’s news. It felt good to get the secret out in the open, even to one of his patients. “Yup, I’m having a baby with Doctor Jo.”

“Well… if you can’t marry my mom, I think Doctor Jo is a good choice,” Frankie barely got the words out before he began heaving again, Alex rubbing his back as he leaned over the basin. 

In all honesty he hadn’t been sure at first if he was ready for fatherhood. Of course Alex had been overjoyed that he and Jo had made a new life, but there was a lingering doubt in the back of his mind that any child of his would come out just as screwed up as him. But sitting here now making sure that Frankie made it through the day, Alex was almost certain that he was ready for whatever challenges being a parent would bring.

-

Jo felt like she’d talked to every nurse in the hospital at this point. After going through the grapevine, she’d finally found a solid answer and was racing back to the Pediatric Ward to deliver her news to Alex. For some reason he wasn’t answering his phone and her texts left bouncing back instead of sending. The nausea that had been lingering all day was finally rearing its ugly head, but Jo pushed on, figuring she would have time to vomit after she saved Frankie’s life.

Her feet tapping impatiently on the elevator floor, she checked her phone to see if any of her messages had gone through. With a hand firmly pressed on her stomach, she closed her eyes as she bit back the bile rising in her throat. As the ancient elevators crawled upwards she realized she was still for the first time all day. This only made her even more aware of the escalating physical symptoms threatening to consume her. 

Finally, the elevator beeped as she arrived on the surgical floor. Jo’s eyes flew open and she all but ran from the metal box on her course for Alex and Frankie. She made it about three feet before a solid body blocked her path, finely tailored suit jacket and pressed linen pants coming into her view.

“Hey Brooke.” Jo froze in horror, mouth slightly ajar as her gaze moved upwards to meet the dark green eyes of the man she’d tried so desperately to forget. She took in the face that haunted her nightmares, the one that sent her screaming and crying into Alex’s arms at 2 AM. He looked older, his face worn by time, but still handsome as ever. The signature devilish grin plastered on his face sending an electric shock down her spine. Like a grotesque halloween mask, it was the same face he would give her before pummeling her into the darkness.

Her breath caught in her throat as time seemed to stop around her. She forgot about Alex and Frankie, her baby, everything that had happened today as the world around her shrunk down to her and the man in front of her.

Paul. Paul had found her.

[orionsangel86]

Season 14 – Desire and Happiness – Ongoing themes and Endgame flirtations

Right at the start of Season 14 we were presented with a question. “What do you want?” It was repeated, over and over again by Michael, as well as Sam in Andrew Dabb’s premier episode:

The themes of this season have been quite clear. They are about identity, desire, choice, and finding ones place in the world. What is it that these characters want out of their lives? How do they view themselves? What desires do they have and what makes them happy?

Over the course of the season so far, the question “what do you want” has developed into an exploration of happiness and what it means. Specifically, the impression of happiness vs actual happiness.

This started predominantly in 14x08, with Castiel agreeing to a deal with the Empty Entity that he would be taken right when he “finally gives himself permission to be happy”. This textualised something that has been present in subtext for several seasons for Castiel; that he never allows himself pleasure. Specifically it has been a recurring theme of Dabb era that Castiel is holding back. Remember Lucifer’s words in 12x07:

“I was inside you. I know what a weak, duty-bound, pleasureless dullard you are”.

It was also subtly hinted at in 14x01 in this conversation between the demon Kipling and Castiel:

KIPLING: Castiel, you sure I can’t get your anything hot and black?

CASTIEL: Coffee has no affect on me.

KIPLING: Hm. Me either. You know, not anymore, but it’s like saltwater taffy or infants -- you know, I just like the taste.

Kipling, like Castiel, isn’t affected by coffee. Unlike Castiel, Kipling drinks it anyway because he enjoys it. he derives pleasure from it. Wouldn’t Castiel also derive pleasure from coffee? Perhaps, but he won’t even allow himself the chance to try it.

The subtextual theme has been mainly shown through his refusal to ever accept offers of food or drink (it is worth noting that food and drink have been symbols of pleasure taking in the show since day 1, specifically the metaphor can be applied to Dean who uses pleasure as a distraction technique and Sam who also limits the pleasure he allows himself and only partakes in very controlled circumstances – see any Sam x food meta as it is fascinating).

For Castiel, happiness is something he can’t allow himself to have, so a HUGE question that the season has now given us is just what WOULD it take for Castiel to allow himself happiness?

This question goes hand in hand with the opening question of the season “What do you want?” What does Castiel want? Well, it does seem like there is at least one creature out there who knows the answer to that:

The happiness theme continued in 14x10, by presenting us with a Dean, trapped inside his own head, distracted by a vision of contentment by Michael in order to prevent him from fighting against possession. Dean reiterates over and over that Rocky’s Bar is all he’s ever wanted. That it’s his dream. But the truth is that this is an unhappy, lonely life. As an audience we are meant to contemplate just how miserable this empty bar in a storm must be, especially when it is made very clear that Dean has no one to share it with.

The conversation with Pamela touches on the theme of want again when she asks the following:

“How come you only want what you can’t have? Besides you don’t want me, you just like to flirt. I’m psychic so I kinda know.”

It’s in the negative space, but it’s still pretty clear. If Dean doesn’t want Pamela, what does he want instead? 

This dream bar of his doesn’t even come close to Dean’s true happiness. If it did, then that question “What do you want?” would have been answered. 

(Though on a deeper level it might be worth taking a listen to that song that kept playing on repeat)

Instead, we get closer to knowing Dean’s true feelings in 14x13, though also indirectly. Dean makes a wish on the pearl which was supposed to free him from Micheal, instead it brought back John Winchester and started changing the world around them. 

Dean desired to see his father again, but upon realising what it meant he would give up (Cas and Jack and his current family) he knew he had to reverse the spell. Dean reiterates his true feelings twice in the episode:

(x)

(x)

This makes it clear that at least the path to happiness lies in the present, and the potential future Dean can have with his current family. His happiness doesn’t lie in his past, nor in some hypothetical “apple pie life” his father dreamed up for him.

The theme of want and happiness for Dean is an interesting one, because his actual wants and desires are never addressed directly. Like with how Amara thought Mary was what he needed when what he really needed was to remove the weight he has carried since her death - that he was forced to grow up too quickly.

Like with Mary’s resurrection, what Dean desired from the pearl wasn’t John Winchesters return, but a chance to put to rest the shadow of his past, as he so aptly discussed earlier in 14x05 with Sasha (in another episode written by Meredith Glynn so you know it is meant to connect):

“Let it go. The past is... There's nothing you can do about it now, so it's just baggage. Let it go. You'll feel a lot lighter.” 

Dean’s desire was to let go of his own baggage, and by confronting John Winchester in 14x13 he was finally able to do that, as well as put his fathers ghost to rest. 

Whether or not the show will now continue to explore Dean’s true pursuit of happiness remains to be seen, but it does appear to be moving in that direction. 

14x15 once again explores this theme of the impression of happiness vs actual happiness. This time though its all for Sam. 

Sam comes to the pleasantville-esq town of Charming Acres and is practically immediately taken in by the picturesque apple pie life presented to him. He is manipulated by the Mayor of Charming Acres into forgetting who he is and instead plays a role of a happy husband to an idealistic 1950s style wife. He was forced into a fake happiness. In fact, fake happiness was exactly what this episode was all about:

MAYOR CHIP: The world  kept getting worse, and they called it modernisation and no matter what I did, people would turn to drink or drugs, they’d move away. They just weren’t happy.

...

MAYOR CHIP: I remade this town. I gave everybody new names, new lives. I made everybody happy.

Chip inflicted his own very limited view of happiness onto everyone around him, including Sam, who clings on to the fake happiness just as Dean initially clung onto to his “dream” bar: 

But Cas was able to snap Sam out of it by invoking his family, the people who love him and need him. Just as Cas pleaded with Dean and made those all important cracks in the fantasy in 14x10 before Sam finally pulled out the trigger word. Just like how in 14x13 the Winchester family reunion was nice for an evening, but it wasn’t truly real. Because Cas wasn’t there, Jack wasn’t there. Dean didn’t have his TRUE family with him, and because of that John had to go. 

In 14x15 Dean asks Sam about his happiness:

DEAN: Really happy huh?

SAM: I mean I guess I was happy, but, it wasn’t real. You know.

DEAN: Well, not a lot of happy going on around here.

SAM: I hate this place right now. I hate it. Everywhere I look I see them. I see Maggie. I guess its why I am so desperate to get out of here. why i kept running as ragged. But I gotta stop that, i can’t keep running. This is my home. This is our home. Dean I just think I need some time.

Sam clung to that fake happiness because he couldn’t see any real happiness in his real life, but he admits at the end that the bunker, and the people in it, are his home and he just needs time. Which is far healthier than running. 

The message presented in this particular theme appears to be that Sam and Dean are on a similar pursuit of happiness, where they have both now had a taste of a fake empty happiness that didn’t actually give them what either of them truly want. Neither of their “fake happy” experiences answered that all important first question. 

Just what do they want?

Castiel however, instead of being on a pursuit of happiness, is running in the opposite direction. Continuously denying himself any semblance of pleasure that could lead to his untimely demise. 

What does Castiel want? I think even Cas himself is afraid of the answer to that question.

Instead of answering these questions, the show continues to show us what the characters do not want. Which is why its important to pay attention. Sam appeared happy leading the AU!Hunters, and he is clearly devastated to have lost them, so perhaps Sam is the easiest to answer for. He already began the season in a pretty good place. After all, Mary textually states that leading is something Sam was born to do. (Is anyone else getting boy!king Sam flashbacks?) We know that Sam certainly doesn’t want that apple pie life because that was exactly what his fake happy place was. Sam seemed completely happy in the bunker playing Chief before everything went wrong. Sam’s issue going forward may be his struggle to rebuild that level of confidence among hunting parties beyond the AU!hunters that Sam came to view as his people. But this is just speculation.

The one thing that is extremely obvious when it comes to Dean’s happiness, is that his family is around him. Dean needs his family close by. His lonely bar in the middle of a storm with his family far away is certainly not his real dream life. After 14x13 ended so symbolically with Castiel returning home to an emotional Winchester family, it is clear that Castiel’s presence is a huge factor in Dean’s happiness. But then we only need to watch the first 6 episodes of season 13 to see just how true that is. 

In my episode review for 14x10 I wrote this about Dean’s wants:

“ Why doesn’t Dean want the beautiful Pamela? Why has he conjured her up as unavailable in the first place? What is it he wants instead? These are all questions now being posed to the audience and kept unanswered. Though perhaps a good place to start searching for an answer is in the song that plays on repeat over the entire dream sequence. “Searching for a Rainbow” by the Marshall Tucker Band is a song specifically about a weary traveller who keeps moving in the hopes of finding a mystery lover at the end of the rainbow. Not exactly subtle, though surprising seeing as Supernatural continues to pump out the company line that romance isn’t welcome here. I guess that doesn’t stop Dean from subconsciously dreaming about finding love – though not with a beautiful woman apparently. No he just likes to flirt with them.” 

Dean’s endgame arc has been subtly hinted at throughout the show since Carver era began. It involves romantic love. Perhaps it hasn’t been textually stated yet, but the subtext is still very much pushing it this direction. I expect that eventually when posed with the question “what do you want?” Dean may simply answer the same way that Jamil did in 14x01: “peace and love.” But Dean certainly won’t be lying.

This is why Castiel’s deal is also so significant. The only thing we know for certain about Castiel is that he has consistently shown that his dedication to the Winchesters and Jack come first no matter the cost. Like Dean, he is extremely loyal to his family and their well being. But is it enough? The evidence so far suggests not. Castiel just being with his family is not a big enough trigger for the entity to come and take him away, so whatever true happiness Castiel is denying himself, it is something greater than family. The Entity does appear to know the answer though. As in the gif example right at the start of this meta. The Entity brought up “love” showing that it was an important factor for Castiel. Could it be that love is what triggers the deal? 

Are both Dean and Castiel really in pursuit of love? 

My money is on yes. Obviously.

Though since these are endgame themes, they are unlikely to come to any conclusion within the next 5 episodes. I suspect that the exploration of want and happiness may come into play specifically in Jack’s upcoming arc, and his terrible choices which appear to reflect those of the Rit Zien class of angels. But as far as getting any of Dean, Sam or Cas to answer that all important question?

Well I’m pretty sure that’ll stay in the subtext for now. Though I would love to be wrong about that.

[norahastuff]

Season 9 appreciation series

The Last Prayer: Dean and faith in 9x01 (part 2/2)

This scene - damn! Dean prays - not only for help with Sam, but also for support. He’s alone and he needs Cas. This is clear from how his demeanour shifts from desperate and pleading when he’s praying to Cas, to steely and resolved when he opens the line to all the other angels. Emotional support is not something he’s looking for from any angel but Cas, so he locks away his pain before he makes his next move.

It’s shot so beautifully and you can feel all of Dean’s emotions in every frame. Dean may not believe in God or pray to him, but there is someone he does believe and have faith in. Someone who keeps coming back to him. No matter how many times he gives his life for humanity, he’s resurrected and always winds up finding his way back to Dean. It’s easy to see why Dean’s faith would be tied up in someone like that, especially when that someone’s an Angel of the Lord who gave up everything because Dean asked him to.

Yet this is the last time (see note at the end for 14x08 reference) we hear Dean pray to Cas.  And no I don’t think it’s because Dean lost his faith in Cas. Their relationship undergoes a fundamental shift in this season, and the catalyst for this change? Cas becoming human. 

There are some great scenes in the first half of this season that emphasise what a profound effect Cas becoming human has both for Cas himself, as well as for his relationships with those closest to him. He begins to truly understand humans, their wants and emotions for the first time. This is exactly what Dean wanted from Cas all throughout s8, but as an angel it was something Cas didn’t truly have the capacity to understand. And of course when he finally does have experience and begins to understand humanity, Dean has managed to brand himself with the Mark of Cain and start slouching towards a different state of being.

But before that happens, Dean gets to see a Cas that’s vulnerable and human. He watches him struggle and yet still find some peace and dignity in his human life. And then he has to watch him give it all up in the name of duty. Cas may don his figurative angelic armour again, but Dean no longer sees him as his guardian angel or protector after this. Cas is family, an equal, someone he loves and, to quote Dean, not his babysitter.

Note: We hear Dean pray to Cas in 14x08, but the circumstances are very different. He’s not praying to Cas for help or because he needs him, it’s part of a plan Sam, Dean and Cas have come up with together. It’s not a personal plea the way this one is.

[wearingmywings]

Destiel Meta - an outsider’s perspective

I’ve been reading meta for about a year, but now I wanted to add my own post regarding it.

I don’t really see things when I first watch episodes, I don’t get mirrors or parallels or pay attention to background details like wallpaper or neon signs or anything like that. I’m not good at analyzing things or interpreting it, not in literature nor film, I don’t do something in this area professionally or studied it. 

However, there are some things that jumped out so much that even I thought “Hey, that’s something!”.

Part 1: Mirrors

Seriously, mirrors? You’re telling me that it’s a known method to present mirrors to characters, that they can be used in subtle or totally obvious forms, and they can tell you a lot about the character that’s being mirrored just by existing? Wow that’s so cool!

14x300: In the first scenes when my friend yelled “Look! they look like Dean and Cas!”, I wasn’t 100% sure if that’s what was going on, but oh boi at the end of the episode it was crystal fucking clear. Three people next to each other, the one on the right taller than the others, one is wearing a jacket resembling a trench coat, one is wearing plaid. Trenchcoatjacket and Plaid are holding hands.

We noticed Plaid’s crush on Trenchcoatjacket the whole episode, it was so obvious! Hm, what else was there in resemblance? I remember the taller kid was pretty nerdy, and Plaid stole the Impala at one point, so it’s pretty clear we have Sam and Dean here, which leaves Cas for the last person, and it fits so well! Thats awesome!!

Apart from “Lebanon”, the episode ‘Mint Condition’ basically taught me how they use mirrors and that I should pay attention to them right now. They pointed out who was Sam and Dean, then resumed with the plot and I sat there thinking “Oh!”.

My friend explained to me how the ghost of that episode relates to John Winchester, and honestly if you follow the train of thought about mirrors that the episode presented to you, it’s pretty easy to get there.

Dreamhunter: The confirmed ship with two girls, ah yes! Again, I don‘t really pick up on visual cues or background stuff, but when Kaia said to Claire “I’ll go with you,” I had flashbacks to the season 11 finale immediately. I mean, using the exact same dilagoue? But alright, maybe they’re gonna keep playing it as a cute subtextual crush or how you call it, because neither of them says “You’re my crush”, so-

Oh, wait, Kaia was also stabbed in front of Claire who screamed “Noo!!”, that’s another striking resemblance. Hm.

Oh, Dreamhunter is confirmed to be a couple thing? Neat! So does that mean all the DeanCas stuff is romantic? Because y’all used the same dialogue and plot.

Part 2: Dean’s pining (season 11)

To be fully honest here, I didn’t understand season 11. At all. I didn’t get the whole Amara thing, why was everyone talking about pining? Dean told us that it wasn’t about desire with him and Amara, just a weird fixation, but still, the lady in the senior home told Dean that he “was pining for somebody else”. That makes no sense!

Unless it’s true? Dean didn’t pine for Amara, he tells us that, but everyone’s still talking about pining, therefore the topic of pining is important. Dean x Amara wasn’t romantic, that’s clear from what Dean told us and how he behaved, so no pining.

The only person left he could pine for is Cas. The dude who let in Lucifer, who Dean’s worried about, who Amara touches and she knows where Dean is? That’s..interesting. I’m still kinda confused, but some things are clearer now. No romance between Dean & Amara, but pining is still a theme, and only Cas makes sense. Got it.

Part 3: Cas’ endgame as being human

I wanted to include this because I’ve had this headcanon for years, then saw the meta community talk about it, and honestly there’s one scene to watch and it’d be clear that Cas wants to be human.

“We need grace-” “He can have mine”. 14x08

Alright dude, you’re so eager and ready to throw away your grace? Okidoki.

To go back in time, everyone always had these TED talks about how Cas loves humanity and loves humans and human things, that he feels stuff (season 4 yall, it’s been a while), that he compliments Hannah with things that “are human”. He doesn’t get along with other angels because they’re different than him, or they don’t understand his love and devotion for humans. He spends pretty much all his time on earth, around humans, because he loves them, and one in particular.

To quote Metatron, “He’s in love with humanity”. Do I need to add more? No? Fantastic, because this post is long enough already.

Part 4: Random things in no particular order

Episode 12x12, because come on. Some people took the gifs of Cas’ deathbed confession and connected them to the shots before, showing you where everyone’s standing, who Cas is looking at, and it’s so bloody clear. Don’t get me started on the singular vs plural “i love you” because I literally don’t have to, it’s right there.

“I could go with you”- season 11 finale. Cas, ready to die to accompany Dean on the suicide mission to save the world. He wants to ease Dean’s fear and be there for him until the very end, without hesitation. Castiel really fucking loves Dean Winchester. Wow.

That’s it I think? Those are the top things that jumped into my face when I watch the show, things I didn’t have to read other people’s thoughts on to understand what’s happening. :)

To finish this up I want to say something about meta writers. I didn’t start out reading meta, I didn’t really care for details and background stuff and took the show as I saw it, which is why I shipped Destiel immediately because there were enough things so blatantly obvious to me that I just had to. Then I found @tinkdw, then @bluestar86, @dotthings, @occamshipper, @postmodernmulticoloredcloak and all the other bloody amazing meta writers, and boom! A whole new world!

I started a series rewatch, read the posts for the episodes or seasons, paid more attention and there was so much to see and notice! It gave me joy in watching SPN in a time where I was kind of burned out because I had just discovered the bad side of the fandom and was a bit hopeless, for my OTP and the show itself. It gave me friends, and interesting conversations, but more importantly: These people helped me be realistic about episodes, upcoming episodes and PR stuff. “PR is not showrunning” was a strange concept to me before they showed me what it meant, and I vividly remember being in tears before all this after some PR material promised amazing things but failed to deliver.

These people are so good at predicting what’s going to happen because they read the fine print and understand it, pack it up and show it to us who either can’t read the fine print or dont notice it. They help fans to control (?) their expectations, to soften blind excitement over promo shots or interviews with people who have either no clue what they’re talking about (Jensen bby, i love you but what are you even saying?) or are purposefully exaggerating things.

They saved me from so much disappointment, they improved my fandom experience and changed my feelings for the show and how I watch it. There are so many interesting things to discover, things that confirm theories and explain plot points. I haven’t been disappointed in a new episode because of PR or rumors since I’ve met them, except ep 300 but that’s...a whole other thing. They were right about that too, though, and I didn’t listen. Catch me crying at four am because of it.

I love those people immensely, and I’m so thankful for them. They take the time to write all these essays about the show, all you have to do is read them.

A toast to meta writers! Consider this your personal love letter.

Kisses,

Jana

[amwritingmeta]

14x14: The Chicken and the Snake

Lots of snakes in this episode. Well, the episode is named for a snake symbol, isn’t it, so it makes sense, but the symbolism of the snake is all over the narrative. Like, everywhere. And it’s pretty. It’s just so pretty.

There’s the rattler in the painting, visible over Cas’ shoulder at El Sabroso, there’s the gorgon - Noah - of course, and Felix the Snake, shedding his skin, which to Rowena is a bit too on the nose *heart eyes* and then there’s the fable of the Chicken and the Snake, leading into Michael shedding his skin, as it were, but as the title of the post suggests, I’d like to frame this around the tale the gorgon tells Jack.

It goes as follows:

Once there was a crafty black snake who kept eating this poor chicken’s eggs. She couldn’t watch them all the time, you see. The black snake would wait until she was gone and then slide one of the eggs into his mouth and crush it in his throat. Now this went on until there was only one egg left, but when the chicken left that egg - just for a moment - the snake swallowed it up. But for some reason he couldn’t crush it in his throat. The chicken had hardboiled her final egg just to choke the snake. And the snake died. 

What does it mean?

Yes, that is the question.

Cas asks Noah why he’s telling Jack this story, and Noah says it’s because he can’t quite tell if Jack’s the chicken or the snake.

The chicken is willing to sacrifice her last egg because she realises there’s no way she can protect it with the snake alive. Rather than go through the pain of losing what she loves and watching the killer go free, she takes the preemptive measure, letting go of what she loves in order to put a stop to any more killing. Is it revenge for her previously lost offspring? There’s a tinge of it there, right? But as one might assume that the chicken can lay more eggs, her choice actually means that, by killing the snake, she’s protecting her next batch of eggs from being eaten. 

The snake is greedy, but, to be fair, he’s also a snake. Snakes eat eggs. The gorgon clarifies this as he says it’s not like he enjoys eating people, it’s a lonely way to live, but it’s his fate, or rather it’s the condition for his survival. (granted he’s a sadistic little prick, but that’s beside this point) Now look at the snake, which is acting according to its nature. There’s no malice to the snake’s actions. He’s crafty, sure, but he’s not stealing the eggs for fun or in order to torture the chicken. He’s stealing the eggs and eating them for sustenance. Not ideal for the chicken, and she has every right to find a way to protect her young, but also the two are natural enemies, so the scenario is to be expected.

Which one is Jack?

Well, there’s one more interpretation to be had out of this fable. Not just the two Cas offered: greed and sacrifice. This third interpretation can be had when taking into account that this fable isn’t just about the chicken and the snake.

What about the egg?

The egg that is helpless and without a say in the matter, even without a choice in its own fate to act as saviour or tool for vengeance or what have you. 

The fable then becomes a very stark comment on many aspects of life, where the crafty find ways to feed off the weak and exposed, and suffer all the little children. (I may be having issues with the political landscape atm) (irl bleed)

There’s also the Jungian point to be made of how the chicken represents life, the snake represents death and the egg represents the point where they meet. Highly symbolically, of course. 

Any way you look at it, you can’t ignore the egg in the equation.

Greed/selfishness vs. sacrifice = lost innocence.

And considering how the episode ends, Jack steps up to protect those he loves and (possibly) sacrifices his soul in order to stop Michael, leaving himself very much exposed to the danger of moving from protector, into threat. If this reading is correct, of course.

Chicken -> egg -> snake.

At the end of the episode, Jack could be seen to encompass all of them. 

I mean, just look at him spread those wings, stating that he’s himself again, while the entire episode is outlining the internal conflict he’s under, where he doesn’t consider himself an angel, but he’s burning off his soul to act as protector and shield, and through that choice leaving himself increasingly exposed to the darker side of his parentage, because without a soul to tie him to Kelly, there might not be anything to stop him from feeling all the influence of Lucifer that he so feared at the start of S13.

I’m not saying that I think he’ll necessarily be turning into Lucifer ie go absolutely eviiiilllll, I doubt that he will, because, to my mind, it doesn’t line up with the character progression of TFW, but Jack losing sight of what’s right and what’s wrong? Letting his powers go to his head, thinking he can protect the world? Possibly even isolating himself because he feels his father figures don’t actually understand him or, even, that they’re holding him back from making his own choices? That he’s outgrown them and he knows better than they do how to protect those he loves, including them?

Yup. Could be.

And what about Lucifer, awake in the Empty? Will Jack be able to bring him back now (canon would say yes) and will he? Well, he just declared himself the son of Lucifer. If he begins to feel isolated or controlled by TFW and he doesn’t have the humanity to understand the love they’re showing him - that is if his soul is actually burned away, but I can’t imagine the writers would let the possibility for this conflict just slip by, even if it’s not entirely gone just yet - then why not? Imagine the season ending on that moment? Eh?

(not saying it will) (just saying eh?) 

Now, the serpent is a very visual tie to the devil, if you want to make it Biblical, and see foreshadowing for Lucifer’s possible return. It holds up.

To my mind the most important meaning of the symbol of the snake is tied to what the title of the episode refers to: the Ouroboros.

The Ouroboros is one of humanity’s oldest symbols, and since its inception it has represented renewal, the cyclical nature of the universe, life out of death. For the alchemist, the Ouroboros also represented the harmony of opposites, and the reason I bring alchemy into it is because of Carl Jung.

Yes, that old fellow again, mentioned above and now once more. I’ve grown very fond of him since 14x08, let me tell you. 

Carl Jung studied alchemy with enthusiasm. He was always searching for correlations between his own thoughts on the human psyche, and the work done by great thinkers in fields outside his own. He believed in connectivity, and felt that like-mindedness was a strength, not a weakness. In alchemy he found many such correlations and even ways that helped him properly formulate his own ideas of individuation in a more approachable way.

He says about the Ouroboros: 

The alchemists, who in their own way knew more about the nature of the individuation process than we moderns do, expressed this paradox through the symbol of the Ouroboros, the snake that eats its own tail. The Ouroboros has been said to have a meaning of infinity or wholeness. In the age-old image of the Ouroboros lies the thought of devouring oneself and turning oneself into a circulatory process, for it was clear to the more astute alchemists that the prima materia of the art was man himself. The Ouroboros is a dramatic symbol for the integration and assimilation of the opposite, i.e. of the shadow. 

Alchemy is most famous for extremely clever women and men striving to turn basic metal into gold, but the true spirit of the teachings of alchemy is all about a refinement of the alchemist as a human being. To strive for internal balance. This is what drew Jung to it and kept him engrossed in its teachings for a good chunk of his life.

One could also see the snake (crafty) and chicken (nurturing) as the internally imbalanced shadow-self/ego, striving for dominance and neglecting to actually care for the egg (inner child). 

The thing, to my Jungian-laden brain, is this: internal balance won’t be struck by killing the shadow-self, because the shadow-self can’t be killed. It’s a part of the Self and needs to be integrated. The fact that the shadow-self can’t be killed was supported, one might say, by the visual narrative of 14x14, as part of Michael (representative of Dean’s shadow-self) was absorbed into not the ego, because that’s Dean himself, but into Jack (representative of Dean’s inner child).

So, yes, my first reaction was that there might be a bit of turbulence up ahead. Because the inner child declaring its very clear identity confusion as though it’s not aware of this confusion, before swallowing up the shadow-self in order to protect the ego is symbolically very, very unhealthy. 

Or maybe there won’t be turbulence up ahead because who knows what other curve ball might be thrown into the mix! I’ve no solid idea where this is headed. Maybe Jack gobbled Mikey up and is completely healed and now Jack will go fix Heaven and stabilise the shit out Hell and all will be right with the entire world.

Yeah, okay, I sincerely doubt it. :)

Oh, and to clarify, when I talk about Jack representing Dean’s inner child etc. is not me saying that Jack isn’t also his own character, because he is, but he serves Dean’s progression, yeah? Jack can’t progress if Dean doesn’t, because Dean is the narrative axis around which all else pivots. Dean’s choices largely inform the trajectory of the narrative. 

And wouldn’t it be great if Dean’s on track to getting out of that position soon? It would be! Because that position makes it so much easier for him to believe it’s all on him, when it really doesn’t have to be. 

Now, let’s take into account that Jack’s new pet snake’s name is Felix. Felix means “lucky”, but it also has its roots in “happy”. 

Meaning that Jack now has happiness for a pet, in the shape of a being that traditionally represents resurrection, as it sheds its skin and through that act is proverbially reborn. And perhaps this is visual foreshadowing that Lucifer is about to rise again, or perhaps it’s a visual plant of how Jack may need to reach a point where he’s faced with those old questions of Who am I? and Who do I want to be?

What do you want, Jack? I think you gotta whole lotta growing up to do before you can actually answer that question. 

I hope he gets to learn the lessons, and be happy, but them narrative chips will fall where they may. I am so here for this ride.

[deans-haunted-baby]

The Ones Left Behind

Alrighty time for some truth bombs. I’ve had almost a week to absorb the end of Supernatural and season 15 as a whole. And I think this is the moment where I need to throw in my two cents. For all intents and purposes I won’t go in-depth into 15x20 seeing as that conversation will just open up a whole other can of worms and I don’t need that headache. I have my reasons for being less than indifferent with how the Winchesters’ story concluded. So I won’t go there.

Instead I’ll be focusing all my energies on the unsatisfying conclusions of 4 particular characters. Two of which were main cast members (one that was on the show 12 years and one 4 years) while the other two (played by the same dude) were brought back after a decade long hiatus for a much-anticipated comeback only to be wasted and mangled unfairly by Dabb and his hack horde of a writing staff. Call this a follow up to my last post. If I sound bitter I am because these people don’t have a single clue on how to helm these characters, their relationships or their storylines 😠 Nor do they deserve them.

And yes I’m well aware of Kevin Tran, Rowena, Ketch and several others who got the shaft on this show. Those could be future posts for another time.

But I cannot stress this enough; ADAM MILLIGAN, JACK KLINE, MICHAEL AND CASTIEL ALL DESERVED FUCKING BETTER. There is no arguing these facts, none whatsoever. Not one of these characters deserved that exit to be the final chapter in their story. I won’t do an entire analysis of each character’s arc and role in the show as I’ve already done that in my rant about 15x19. But I will highlight how much season 15 royally screwed over these characters and tossed them aside like trash; as if none of them were ever part of/contributed anything to Sam and Dean’s history/world building of Supernatural’s universe.

*WARNING* This is going to get heated.

Before I dive into the heart of these issues I want to state this is not a “shipping post”. I don’t ship anyone on Supernatural, hopefully this blog has been pretty self-explanatory. So I have no arguments/opinions in those areas. I’ve been a fan of this series for 15 years because of the characters, the familial bonds and relationships formed between characters throughout its run. And I’m well-aware that the Winchesters are the lead protagonists of the show, no need to remind me. These are purely my own thoughts based what I’ve obtained from show canon. Let me just say I can’t get over just how much these writers contradicted and ignored what they put forth in the journeys of these four individuals. its a real headscratcher.

You mean to tell me that after TWELVE DAMN YEARS of Castiel being a rebellious warrior angel, searching for his own identity and meaning in life; making that promise to Kelly Kline about raising Jack as his own/risking his life for him. After sacrificing himself for his son a year ago, acknowledging he was satisfied with his role as a father which restored his faith; that it was all because of/for Dean Winchester? 

You mean to tell me that after Michael, THE PRINCE OF HEAVEN and PROTECTOR OF HUMANITY, was locked away in a cage with a human whom he emotionally bonded with for thousands of years (10 years our time); who was abandoned, betrayed and manipulated by his neglectful/abusive father. After choosing free will and aligning himself with TFW for humanity’s sake, just sided with the Earth’s destruction because his little brother called him names? 

You mean to tell me that Jack, A THREE YEAR OLD CHILD, who’s barely just beginning his life and spent his entire duration on the show wanting to be normal and not wanting to be special. Connecting and being integrated with humans; a child who’s biggest fear was outliving everyone he ever loved. Is suddenly ready to walk away from his family, his home and his teddy bear; to give up being a kid forever and run the universe?

You mean to tell me that Adam, SUPERNATURAL’S MOST INNOCENT CHARACTER and FORGOTTEN THIRD-WINCHESTER BROTHER, after being eaten by ghouls; pulled away from his mother out of Heaven, manipulated by angels, trapped in Hell for thousands of years because Sam and Dean left him there to rot. After coming back and helping his neglectful siblings save the world only to be ripped away from his best friend and THE ONLY OTHER PERSON who gave a damn about him; is sentenced to a life of loneliness, homelessness and turmoil until he dies and ends up in Hell where he’ll mostly be tortured and turned into a demon?

NO. I DO NOT AND WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS BULLSHIT! 

Season 15 not only manages to contradict itself where these characters are concerned (while assassinating them before the final curtain). But the writers deliberately discarded them before giving us that *sarcasm inserted* epic solo-Winchester conclusion. Regardless of how you feel about Adam, Castiel, Jack or Michael, ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS are connected Sam and Dean’s story and part of Supernatural. And when you throw them away like they mean nothing, you’re essentially throwing away a part of the show’s history. You’re ignoring 15 years worth of story building. 

As I said I’m not going to go into 15x20 for reasons, it doesn’t offend me as much as what was done before that finale. Because I think those other show exits really affect 15x20 even worse than people realize. You want to know why, I’ll explain.

Lets start off with Castiel and Jack, OH BOY! We know where they end up; running Heaven and the Earth together which is all fine and dandy. I love my Dadstiel father/son duo being an endgame family unit. But here in lies the problem, we never saw it. Not even a cameo. And technically their onscreen storyline ends at 15x18 and 15x19 which is an ugly, anti-climatic bookend to an incredibly deep relationship that had 4 years of development. First you have Castiel who completely forgets why he made that deal with the Empty to begin with. HIS FUCKING SON. Not to mention it wasn’t about true happiness it was about giving himself permission to be happy; there is a difference. And then you have Jack wandering around next episode, vacuuming up power cause suddenly he’s a machine now, acting like he doesn’t give a shit over losing his dad to an entity HE’S BEEN DREADING ABOUT FOR A FUCKING YEAR. 

Towards the end of season 15 I noticed neither of these characters were acting like themselves. Their motivations, their personalities and strong ties to one another had mysteriously dissolved. Castiel became less concerned about the danger his son was facing after 15x15 (what the hell was that in 15x17?) and more about speaking when spoken to by either Sam or Dean. Does he know how Dean truly feels about Jack; proclaiming the child is “not family”? I doubt the in-character version of him would let Jack leave with Dean after that insult. Castiel’s not even worried whether or not his son is alive or safe before he makes the big confession later. And for some reason Jack (who’d become heavily suicidal) was more concerned with clinging to the Winchesters, willing to die for them, instead focusing on himself and the one person who’s shown him nothing but unconditional love and given him strength since birth. Both of these characters are canonically depressed and suffer from low self-esteem that was never resolved which makes me furious. 

When Chuck killed Jack at the end of season 14, this devastated Castiel in the first half of season 15. He actually got to grieve that loss throughout the episodes and deal with his anger over it, allowing the audience to anticipate the day they’d be reunited one last time. This part of Castiel’s S15 arc also ironically mirrors Jack’s S13 arc of mourning Castiel’s death until resurrecting him. And when this son finally returned to his father, who got to rescue him, it was such a poignant moment between the two. It was a cathartic payoff after witnessing Castiel in so much pain over Jack. There was so much building up between that Dadstiel reunion in 15x11 and the Empty’s pact in 14x08; this was suppose to be a tragic yet pivotal plot-point in both Jack and Castiel’s stories. And with SPN wrapping up we all expected something BIG. Yet somehow the writers retconned the whole thing by making it all about Dean, which is such a gross disservice to these characters and 4 years of storytelling.

For instance, since 15x18 was Castiel’s exit episode, why wasn’t he allowed to hug his son or Sam goodbye one last time? Why didn’t he have more of a focal role instead of standing around majority of the episode with barely any dialogue as so much precious air time was wasted on frivolous things? Why didn’t he get one last badass fight scene with someone like Death instead of being choked out and tossed around like a powerless mortal? Why did the group need to be split up to begin with when it served no purpose either than that *ugh* moment? Why wasn’t Jack allowed to call Castiel “dad” once before the show ended? He deserved to hear his son address him as dad!

AND WHY THE HELL COULDN’T JACK FEEL CASTIEL’S DEATH THE MOMENT IT HAPPENED? 

The show already established to the audience the significant cosmic bond these two characters shared since before Jack was even born. It was so powerful it boosted Castiel’s grace. Jack could remember who Castiel was from the womb and that he’d protected his mother. Not to mention HE FUCKING RESURRECTED CASTIEL OUT OF THE EMPTY ONCE WITHOUT GOD’S POWER. You’re telling me Jack couldn’t feel his dad being taken away forever despite how far apart they were? No, he’d feel it in his heart. Had we’d been given a scene like that at the end of 15x18 (something of substance) with actual grief shown in 15x19 maybe the episode would’ve faired better for them. 

That said it wasn’t, because Jack was treated the exact same way in his final exit. Hardly any lines and just a bunch of scenes of him standing/walking around until that pathetic reveal at the lake. HE DOESN’T EVEN GET TO INTERACT WITH JAKE ABEL’S MICHAEL/ADAM which would’ve been a great follow-up to the AU!Michael storyline in seasons 13 and 14. I swear these directors didn’t give Alex and Misha any motivation during their last three episodes and it’s evident in their hollow performances. But why would they when the scripts are basically telling their characters to quickly fuck off so the brothers can have their final outing. Jack doesn’t even behave like himself after he becomes the new God. His personality is apathetic, cold, alien, stiff and way too mature for the 3 year old child so closely connected to his family/the human world. In that moment I saw Alex Calvert not Jack Kline. It’s bad enough he doesn’t get a meaningful farewell but again Castiel, HIS DAD, is a complete afterthought to this kid 🥶

And that’s what we’re left with. Forever. A frigid, hollow ending to one of Supernatural’s most healthy, touching, family dynamics. It makes you wonder what was even the point. I can’t even fully enjoy the fact that its canon Jack and Castiel are together fixing Heaven because of what the show presented onscreen as their last hurrah. It’s not sitting right and it makes 15x20 even less appealing to me.

Moving onto Michael and Adam. Get ready for this. I could rant forever about how dirty my boys were done by this show. How they were discarded in the SPN series finale recap etc. just as they were FOR THE LAST TEN FUCKING YEARS. Was there even a plan going on here or was this just everyone making things up as it went? Their ending is the most unsatisfying and cruel thing because its INCOMPLETE. There is no real closure or resolution with them thanks to the monstrosity that was 15x19. AND NO ONE CARES ENOUGH ABOUT THEM TO GIVE A SHIT. 

Much as I’ve enjoyed this show for many years, it NEVER deserved Jake Abel, his talent or his time. I keep seeing so many anti posts about Dean Winchester’s final fate in Supernatural and all I can think about is “try being an Adam Milligan fan for the last decade”.  I’ve had to watch this boy go through hell with nothing to show for it either than years of memes. ridicule and the show’s mockery in forgetting him. Actually he’s the ONLY CHARACTER in this series you’re encouraged not to remember 😡 Also quick question: why give us this really interesting and healthy relationship between an archangel and its vessel if nothing was ever going to become of it? 

At this point I don’t know why Adam or the idea of him was even introduced way back in season 4 let alone revisited in season 5. Because the only thing I see when I look at this character now is SAD WASTED POTENTIAL. Storylines never explored. Relationships that never got off the ground. Backstory we never got to see (like for instance his past with John Winchester and his time in the cage). A character’s birthright (Men of Letters) that was never actualized. AND the unexplained factor that Adam could look directly at Michael’s true form without his eyes burning out (making him a special case). And the thing is he could’ve been a really great character, both him and Michael. They could’ve easily reached popular status just like Castiel given the chance since Jake is a freaking acting-powerhouse. We were given a taste in 15x08 just how awesome these characters could be and how they could’ve contributed so much to the story and its core group. But unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be.

Michael will never redeem himself after years of scrutiny and being made out to be some kind of unhinged monster. This show constantly enjoyed pounding into our brains how fearsome Michael was. Warned us via Lucifer (LUCIFER, PEOPLE!) that he wasn’t rational, compassionate and didn’t care about anything except war, death and destruction. And that he was incapable of feelings and emotions. This is how Supernatural saw Heaven’s Prince and guardian of the Earth. Christ, they actually did a two-year storyline about an evil Michael from the AU world who enjoyed torturing and killing while trying to destroy the universe. I want to know WHAT THE HELL THIS SHOW’S WRITERS HAD AGINST THESE CHARACTERS? Why they felt the need to bring back Jake Abel, AFTER A DECADE OF FANS WANTING THIS, if it was simply to piss all over his characters one last time before the show wrapped. This is absolutely unprofessional and childish; the fact that Jake is taking this bullshit in stride makes it all the more shameful 😡

We could’ve learned so much more about Michael’s past and his present relationship with Adam. These characters didn’t need to sit in the cage for a decade they could’ve easily been incorporated back into the show as far as season 8 or 10! And been an asset to the Darkness storyline in season 11.There were characters and storylines introduced that served no purpose. Why did we need to keep seeing characters like Charlie Bradbury or (as much as I like him) Crowley or Garth (love him too) or Lucifer or Abaddon or the Wayward sisters? I would’ve much preferred having Adam and Michael around and got to know them instead; especially after 15x08. I would’ve wanted to see what their dynamic with TFW could’ve become had they been long-time allies. Did John ever tell Mary about Adam’s existence? I’d like to see what her reaction would’ve been like had the Winchesters remembered him during that damn 300th episode. I guess that’s another loose end untied.

But because of what Supernatural did to these two characters, it forever taints Sam and Dean. I don’t think Dabb or purist fans realize this. But when new viewers come into this show about two brothers preaching important things like “saving people”, “family first” or “family don’t end in blood” they’re going to see how badly the main protagonists treated their innocent half brother. How Castiel and Jack were treated. They’re going to see the heroes of the story abandoning this kid in Hell forever with no intention of EVER rescuing him. And that’s why their final appearance leaves such a bad taste going into 15x20. Cause as much as Dabb and co didn’t give a shit about Adam and Michael they also didn’t give a rat’s ass about protecting Sam and Dean’s integrity. That’ll be a stain they can’t undo. 

So through all of it, we’re stuck with the abomination that is 15x19 aka the eye-soar to an unfinished/unpolished story of two horribly disregarded characters. Michael gets the pleasure of being character assassinated right before he’s stupidly killed off instead of going out a hero or becoming the next God (as it was his birthright and the setup was there in the narrative). And Adam gets killed off-screen, OUT OF HIS OWN DAMN BODY, then brought back by Jack only to live a miserable, isolated existence since his brothers have nothing to do with him (the dog and car are more important); his best friend is dead, he has no job or money or a fucking home and he’s legally dead! Really what is there left for him besides the brutal fate awaiting in Hell when he dies?  

SERIOUSLY THEY COULDN’T GIVE US ONE SCENE WHERE THE WINCHESTERS CHECKED IN ON ADAM TO MAKE SURE HE WAS SAFE?! 🤬 His last scene pretty much sums up this shit for what it is. Tragic. I feel like crying for this poor sweet boy.

Congratulations Dabb, BL and co for giving us these much deserved broken story arcs of characters you destroyed and made OOC before leaving the airways. You did your show’s protagonists justice by doing this *sarcasm inserted* after 15 years of being onscreen. I doubt these idiotic decisions are going to age well in the long run. They certainly don’t look good on the Winchesters. Anyway that’s my hot take for the day. 

ALL THESE ACTORS AND THEIR CHARACTERS DESERVED BETTER.

[drsilverfish]

Jack Kline Novak Winchester: Son, TFW Mirror, Trinity and Key; Quaternity, Ouroboros, Caduceus, and Harbinger of The End

“I am a hunter, I am the son of Lucifer, I am a Winchester!” (14x14 Ourboros).

“One becomes two, two becomes three, and out of the third comes the one as the fourth.” (the alchemist Maria Prophetissima 1-3 C AD). This refers to the four stages of alchemy, the refining of base metals into gold on the material plane, but the refining of the soul to God on the spiritual plane -  nigredo (black), albedo (white), citrinalis (yellow), and rubedo (red).  

In Jung’s interpretation of this alchemical piece of wisdom, this means the refining of the psyche:

1) = Conscious Self

2) = Unconscious Self (the Shadow or Mirror)

3) = Inner Mediator

4) Integrated Self

(One of the books Dean uses to build the Ma’lak box in 14x11 Damaged Goods)

This meta is concerned with Jack’s rich symbolic role in the SPN narrative. 

Jack enters the story to help Team Free Will face their Shadow-Selves and thus evolve psychologically.

This concludes my S14 meta series on the Jungian (and alchemical) themes of the season.

You can read all the previous meta in that series here:

1) The Shadow 14x08

http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/180906003584/the-shadow-14x08

2) 14x09 The Spear (Jungian Decoder Ring Edition)

http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/181122764984/14x09-the-spear-jungian-decoder-ring-edition

3) Jung and Dean’s Journey Towards Self-Integration in 14x11 Damaged Goods

http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/182299438269/jung-and-deans-journey-towards-self-integration

4) Ouroboros in Prophet and Loss (14x12)

http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/182486474324/ouroboros-in-prophet-and-loss-14x12

5) A Pearl of Great Price - 14x13 Lebanon

http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/182660472289/a-pearl-of-great-price-14x13-lebanon

6) The Serpent and the Egg: Snake and Eye Symbology in 14x14 Ouroboros

http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/183327000184/the-serpent-and-the-egg-snake-and-eye-symbology

7) Another Alchemical Easter Egg in 14x14

http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/183388134889/another-alchemical-easter-egg-in-14x14

8) The Scapegoat: Speculative Musings on S14′s End (Moriah) (Linked to the Season’s Jungian Themes - Scapegoating and the Unacknowledged Shadow)

http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/184045009309/the-scapegoat-speculative-musings-on-s14s-end

9) Dean’s Jungian Shadow Arc in S14: Confronting the Internal Father (2x22 to 14x20 Moriah)

https://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/184507150574/deans-jungian-shadow-arc-in-s14-confronting-the

Jack is dualistic; Good and Evil, Human Soul and Angelic Grace. He is a trinity: Human, Angel and “Demon” (fallen Angel); Dean-mirror, Cas-mirror, Sam-mirror. He is also a quaternity, thanks to the additional feminine element: his mother, Kelly Kline and his adoptive mother/ grandmother Mary Winchester (the latter resurrected by the feminine God-principle Amara).

Jung considers the quaternity to be highly significant (he refers to “squaring the circle”) including, as above, in relation to his interpretation of Maria Prophetissima’s alchemical summary as being analogous to the stages of psychic growth and integration. He often considers the, Son, Father, Holy Ghost and Mother Mary of Christianity to be external symbols for the four stages or elements of the human psyche.

“The quaternity, is an archetype of almost universal occurrence [. . .]” For instance, if you want to describe the horizon as a whole, you name the four quarters of heaven…There are always four elements, four prime qualities, four colours, four castes, four ways of spiritual development, etc. So, too, there are four aspects of psychological orientation [. . .] The ideal of completeness is the circle sphere, but its natural minimal division is a quaternity” 

(Jung: Psychology and Religion: West and East).

Conceived by stealth-rape in a Bucklemming episode (12x08 LOTUS) Jack was possibly off to an inauspicious start as the Devil’s Baby.

But Jack the Nephilim, son of Lucifer and Kelly Kline, had the good sense to adopt Castiel as his protector in the womb, and from then on out he has ascended through the spiral narrative like the phoenix he is.  

Born in 12x23 All Along the Watchtower, Jack was always part of Dabb’s Ouroboros narrative. A "demon” with yellow eyes in a nursery, a child, and a mother who dies; Jack was a mirror, reflecting SPN’s origin story, of Azazel feeding baby-Sam demon blood, and burning Mary Winchester on the ceiling. And Jack was Sammy and Azazel both. 

Castiel died at Jack’s birth too, murdered by Lucifer in front of Dean’s horrified eyes, thus placing Cas in the role of Mary Winchester and Dean in the role of John Winchester.   

Adopted by a reluctant grieving Dean and a hopeful Sam, Jack discovered he loved nougat and stole a lot of fandom hearts. 

Importantly, through their adoption of Jack and his reflection of many of their previous experiences, TFW are forced to recognise themselves (including painful repressed elements of themselves) in him, thus he enables them to better meet their Shadow-selves and evolve. In this sense he is the mediator between the Ego and the Id, the conscious self and the unconscious self, the Self and the Shadow for TFW. That is why Jack is linked to the symbol of the Ouroboros, the snake swallowing its own tail, because in alchemy that signifies transformation:

This self-recognition (of themselves in Jack) is initially much easier for Sam and Cas than it is for Dean....

Sam the boy corrupted by demon blood, of course sees himself in the innocent yet unstable son of Lucifer. Cas, fallen angel in love with humanity, likewise naturally sees himself in a half-angel/ half-human child who is struggling with his place in the world. 

Juxtaposing innocence and enormous power (potential for good and potential for evil) Jack was a child who grew up too fast, literally (appearing twenty whilst only two). In this respect, he was a mirror for Dean, who had to grow up too fast when his Mom died, assuming the role of substitute-parent to Sammy. 

Dean has a hard time recognising and having compassion for the innocent child part of himself that he gave up to become Daddy’s “good little soldier” and caretaker to Sammy. Which is why his journey into loving Jack (as a reflection of himself) goes hardest (see my meta on Dean’s Jungian shadow arc, linked above, for more on this). 

Jack is also (like Dawn in Buffy) a metaphysical, mystical key. He opens doors; doors between dimensions/ worlds and alternate universes as well as doors in the psyche between the Self and the Shadow. He is the key to Chuck’s multiverse and to the larger God-machine.

Jack (responding to Dean’s intense grief) resurrected Castiel in The Empty, the space where dead angels and demons go. Only Chuck had resurrected Castiel previously. So, we see Jack step into the role of God, but in a place (The Empty) where (if we believe the Cosmic Entity that resides there) God has no dominion. Jack already presages God Level Mark II.   

With Mary Winchester in the apocalypse world (she who was resurrected by the feminine God-principle, Amara) Jack stood on the side of humans against angels, and in this, he was a mirror for Castiel (who rebelled against Heaven to stand with the Winchesters). 

When his birth father, Lucifer, stole his grace in 13x23 Let the Good Times Roll, Jack became de-powered (human-ish) again, mirroring Castiel (and his Human!Cas arc after the angel fall in 8x23 Sacrifice).  

With his soul/ grace unbalanced, Jack began coughing up blood; a mirror for Sam’s journey during the demon trials of S8.

Knowing he was dying, Jack went fishing with Dean in 14x07 Unhuman Nature 

Ahhh all the lovely fish and fishing metaphors SPN has employed over the years. Fish have sometimes stood for humans, sometimes stood for angels, but always for angel/ human convergence. Jung in Aion (reading medieval alchemical texts) writes about the fish as an alchemical symbol for the philosopher’s stone (the mystical substance that allows transformation - of matter and spirit and, for Jung, of the psyche):  “...alchemical fish symbolism leads direct to the lapis, the salvator, servator, and deus terrenus; that is, psychologically, to the self.” (Jung, Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self, 1979: p157)   

So, Dean and his adopted Nephilim son fish together, which recalls, in particular, Dean’s fishing dream in 4x20 The Rapture, which Cas entered and there passed Dean a love note of assistance. If fish are angels, then Dean and Jack have already “caught” one, by means of love: Castiel.

Dean is placed here again in the role of his own father, John Winchester. 

JACK: “You once told me you and your father did the exact same thing. It was your happiest memory of him.”

And Jack, as the product of angel/ human congress, has always stood (in subtext) as a metaphor for the love between Dean and Cas.

But, metaphysically unbalanced, Jack sickens further. An injection of Gabriel’s archangel grace doesn’t help. TFW take him to the hospital together, to no avail. Sam, his third adoptive father, keeps vigil at his bedside as he dies.

Jack finds himself in Heaven. Here he is a mirror for Sam and Dean, who have both died multiple times on the show. He reunites with his mother Kelly Kline, but The Shadow (a manifestation of The Empty particularly linked to Castiel, symbolising, as it does, Cas’ Jungian Shadow-self) has invaded Heaven and wants to drag Jack to The Empty with it. Jack’s duality is here highlighted, as his human soul belongs in Heaven, but his dead angelic self belongs in The Empty, (according to the SPN cosmic sorting hat!)

Castiel comes searching for Jack in Heaven, and makes a deal with The Shadow in 14x08 Byzantium - Jack’s life for his own (the moment Cas allows himself to be happy). Cas and Jack mirror Dean and Sam here, and all the supernatural deals they’ve made, or tried to make, to bring one another back from death over the years. Cas in particular mirrors Dean, because Sam has always, in one sense, been not only Dean’s brother, but his son. 

As ever, there will be a price to pay for this deal. Not only Castiel’s promise to surrender himself to the Shadow, but also the second “death” of Mary Winchester (caused by a resurrected Jack). 

But, Cas loves his Nephilim son so much (<my heart>):

Held in an unstable balance thanks to Lily Sunder’s dark soul-consuming magic, things start to get dicey for Jack post-resurrection. He tries to impress Max, Stacy and Eliot (the Lebanon kids) and ends up stabbing Stacy (Castiel’s mirror) with an angel blade (14x16 Don’t Go in the Woods) leaving Max (Dean’s mirror) grieving over her body, thus, in that moment, mirroring his father Lucifer (12x23 All Along the Watchtower), However, he brings Stacy back from death (mirroring his own resurrection of Cas) but every time he uses his powers, he burns off some of his soul:

Wow he is cycling, Ouroboros style, through so many previous TFW arcs.

And so we arrive at 14x14 Ouroboros itself, THE crucial episode in terms of all this symbology, in which Jack kills the Queer Gorgon Noah Ophis (himself an Ouroboros symbol = Noah from Genesis and Ophis from Revelation) to save the Winchesters and adopts his snake, Felix (also an Ouroboros symbol). 

Then, he burns off considerably more of his soul (perhaps all of it  - it’s unclear) to kill AU!Michael, and swallows his grace, Ouroboros style:

Jack is now another symbolic duality and trinity - he contains elements of both Michael and Lucifer, the two opposing forces in Apocalypse Mark I, now united in one being. The third element is provided by his humanity (now, seemingly, in jeopardy). 

An evolved and fully re-powered-up Jack has sprung forth, just as Pegasus the winged horse and his brother Chrysaor of the golden sword did from the neck of their Gorgon mother Medusa when Perseus slew her:  

In this form, Jack is linked (via a book on Donatello’s shelves behind him in 14x15 Peace of Mind - thanks to @postmodernmulticoloredcloak for this spot!) to the Caduceus symbol on the spine of the Book of Life here:

The Caduceus is the staff of Hermes, consisting of two serpents entwined about a staff crowned with wings. Hermes is the messenger of the Gods in Greek mythology. He can move freely between the worlds of God and men (linking to Jack’s function as a metaphysical key, on both a micro-cosmic psychological scale, and a macrocosmic God-machine scale). Hermes was also a psychopomp, a conductor of souls to the afterlife. The psychopomp is linked by Jung to the psychological mediator function - that which mediates between the Self and the Shadow, as Jack does for TFW via his mirroring function. 

Jack’s visit to Donatello also serves to remind us that even someone without a human soul can live a good life if they pick the right role models (Donatello picks Mr. Rogers, Jack picks the Winchesters). 

In 14x15 Peace of Mind, Jack demonstrates both his potential for good and evil in this new diminished soul-state, via a (misplaced) compassion (good) which leads him to kill Felix the snake (evil) believing the beastie is grieving for Noah the Queer Gorgon and will be reunited with him in death:

This death of the snake is also symbolic of Jack’s role as mirror and mystical key - old patterns within both Team Free Will and Chuck’s Multiverse must die, in order for newer and healthier ones to be born. Jack is the catalyst, the messenger, the Ouroboros, the Caduceus. 

In Jack’s new, vulnerable, state (with either some, or all, of his soul gone) he  banishes Lucifer back to the Empty in 14x17 Game Night after Nick (bleugh) tries to resurrect him, and he then burns Nick to a crispy cinder for good measure. Afterwards, Jack is tormented by Hallucifer (a vision of his father Lucifer in his mind). This is very possibly the actual Lucifer, communicating with Jack via the blood-link spell Nick performed, hoping to lead him astray. It certainly sounds like the actual Lucifer. It also, of course, mirrors Sam’s Hallucifer arc.

Distressed by Mary’s reaction to his incineration of Nick and taunted by Hallucifer, Jack loses control and (or so we are led to believe) kills Mary (in fact I think he’s blasted her unwittingly through a portal to an AU/ mirror universe, but that’s another story).

Now the crisis in Jack’s relationship with his adoptive fathers is set up. 

Dean, is the member of TFW who (as I explained above) has found it hardest to have compassion for the mirror-self whom Jack reflects back to him (young Dean with the weight of the world on his shoulders) and he determines Jack must be locked in the Ma’lak box and/ or killed. Sam and Cas, who have been better able to recognise themselves in Jack and so have compassion for him, dissent (but Sam’s hangover child-role to Dean’s father-role in their toxic co-dependency means he doesn’t initially stand up to Dean).  

Here is Jack, locked in the Ma’lak box (Jack in the Box 14x19) being tormented again by Hallucifer:

And, of course, that couldn’t contain him, so, deeply upset at being lied to by two of his three adoptive fathers, Jack busts out all glowy-eyed:

Chuck shows up to set Mount Moriah and Abraham and Isaac redux in motion , and Dean, possessed by his Shadow-self (the Ghost of John Winchester) gets ready to repeat history. 

A yellow-eyed “demon”has killed Mary Winchester (again) and Dean-as-John picks up Chuck’s weapon of RevengeTM (the Hammurabi - see my meta on Dean and his Shadow arc linked above for more on this).

But Jack, in his role as mirror and mediator between the Self and the Shadow. freely offers himself as a sacrifice, a scapegoat. 

And seeing this, at last, Dean has compassion, both for Jack and for his own mirror-child self, “murdered” by John Winchester’s revenge quest to get Yellow-Eyes/ Azazel. And so, he stays his hand.

Chuck, the bastard, kills Jack anyway and lights the fuse under Apocalypse III. 

But, because Jack is a metaphysical key and the symbol of transfomation (Ouroboros) he can move between all the realms of the God-machine. And so, Death has no true dominion, and we see Jack awaken (14x20 Moriah) in The Empty: 

There, he is greeted by a figure, presumbly the Cosmic Entity who presides over the place, as well as by Billie the New Death.

According to the Empty’s Cosmic Entity in 13x04 The Big Empty, “Before God and Amara, creation, destruction, Heaven, Hell, your precious little earth, what was there?... Nothing. Nothing but Empty... Angels and demons... you all come here when you die...  I’m the only one that has any pull here. Not Heaven, not Hell, not G-O-D himself.“

As with the Amara storyline (she is mapped to Sophia, the cosmic feminine God-principle) it seems Dabb is drawing on Gnosticism in his conception of The Empty. Jung was also fascinated by Gnosticism. 

The Gnostics made a distinction between the supreme unknowable Being, and the creator of the material universe, God, known as the Demiurge (who was often seen as amoral, even wicked). 

We don’t yet know whether Chuck has already merged with Amara, and is the double entity Chuck/ Amara or, whether her feminine God-principle will be instrumental in persuading him to finally end his story, and let Team Free Will and humanity become the authors of their own stories. The latter would make sense in Jung’s quaternity structure, and would be linked to my theory that Mary Winchester is not dead and will return to her sons before the end. 

Chuck, as the Demiurge, may perhaps be the mere avatar or emanation of the true supreme Godhood, if we take a Gnostic perspective. Whilst Chuck-the-Demiurge must be defeated, because he doesn’t want to relinquish control of the narrative, in his Supreme Godhood form, and/or merged Amara form, he may himself relinquish control and let Team Free Will go.   

Whether Jack is initially manipulated by The Empty, Death and/ or an awakened Lucifer and/or indeed AU!Michael, or joins forces with them (in their good faith) remains to be seen. Lucifer may (ugh, but definitely possible) get a redemption arc, as he has, despite his many evil deeds, undoubtedly been wronged by Chuck (forced to bear the Mark of Cain and thus become corrupted by it). 

Ultimately, I have no doubt that Jack, thanks to his loving connection to Team Free Will, will ultimately (as Cas has always believed) be “good for the world”:

(Jack and his three adoptive Dads in Unhuman Nature 14x07) 

 Jack, as the alchemical symbol of transformation (Ouroboros) as Mercury the mediator (Caduceus) between universes, between realms in the God-Machine, and between the conscious and the unconscious, and as the union of opposites (Michael and Lucifer, Good and Evil, Self and the Shadow), and as the trinity symbolising that unity (Sam, Dean and Cas merged as TFW) and as the quaternity (the ultimate integration [I hope] with the feminine principle symbolised by Mary and Amara) will, I believe, help usher in “Paradise” after the Apocalypse III; a “new Heaven and a new Earth, because the old Heaven and the old Earth had passed away” (Revelation) in which true free will reigns and Team Free Will have completed their psychic journeys. 

“Thus we have the “hostile brothers,” Christ and the devil, who were regarded as brothers in the Jewish-Christian tradition; the tetrameria into four parts or elements; the paired opposites and their ultimate unity; the parallel of the lapis and Mercurius with Christ and, because of the snake or dragon symbolism, also with the devil; and finally, the figure of Mercurius duplex and of the lapis, which unites the opposites indivisibly in itself.”

(Jung, Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self, 1979: p214)

https://www.jungiananalysts.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/C.-G.-Jung-Collected-Works-Volume-9ii_-AION_-Researches-into-the-Phenomenology-of-the-Self.pdf

[castiel-kline]

More thoughts on 15x18, because I’m really struggling with it. (I have lots of feelings, and a lot them are Not Pretty)

Let’s talk about the issue of Cas’s “true happiness.”

First of all, “true happiness” was never in the terms of the deal. The Empty never said Cas had to be truly happy, it only said he had to give himself “permission to be happy.” That ain’t the same thing. I feel like “true happiness” is an unreachable goal. It’s a light at the end of the tunnel that you can never reach because it doesn’t really exist. You can certainly find it in little moments along the way, but it’s not an epiphany. It’s a process. “Permission to be happy,” on the other hand, can be manufactured. It can be, “I feel like crap right now, I hate myself and my life is terrible, but I WILL be happy about watching this movie or hugging my friend.” Example- I did this today. I’ve been in a funk after this episode (hello, crippling attachment to fictional characters!) but I went over to a friend’s house and I met her new dog for the first time. And he jumped on me and I laughed and I thought, well- I still feel like crap. I still have a lot to process. I still have deadlines for actual life stuff looming over me and spiking my anxiety. But I will be happy now for this adorable little fluffball and my friend who I haven’t seen in months. I gave myself permission to be happy. 

And Cas in that scene didn’t look happy to me. He looked miserable. He looked like he was two seconds from shattering. We’ve seen Cas genuinely happy before- 14x08 comes to mind, when he laughed from pure joy at seeing Jack again. When he smiled at that little girl in early season 10. Hell, even season 6 Cas looked 1000 times happier when he went in to hug freshly-re-souled Sam than Cas did in *that* scene. When Cas is happy, there’s a lightness to him. It’s like some weight has been lifted. Cas in this episode wasn’t lightest when the Empty took him, but when he was talking to Jack. And that’s saying something because that was a fucking depressing conversation. 

And the lines everyone is talking about- “What I want is something I know I can’t have.” and “Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.” 

Oh boy. I saw a post today calling that toxic positivity, and it’s right. Cas basically said I Will Speak the Happiness into Existence Whether I Feel it or Not. 

He also said “I wondered what my true happiness could even look like, and I never found an answer.”

First off, honey, true happiness wasn’t part of the deal. But he did say he never found an answer. Which means, presumably, that whatever was going on in this scene wasn’t true happiness. He just dropped the pretense of it, and gave himself permission to be happy at a very strategic time in order to take out Billie and stop her from killing more people. Dean, yes, but Sam and Jack as well. If there was a chance they were still alive, you can damn well bet that Cas was gonna take it. Because he’s a strategist. He was a soldier for millions of years and he commanded Heavenly armies. I feel like that’s not a job Michael or Raphael or whoever else would give to just anybody. 

So what if what Cas wanted but could never have was happiness? And he forced himself to feel some so the Empty would come, and that’s why he was so “oh wow I love my friend.” And I’m not disputing that there’s love there. I don’t vibe with Destiel and I think something has got to be reciprocated before it can be canon, but whether it was platonic or romantic or something in between or something different altogether those two definitely had something going on. That is in no way an excuse for Dean treating him like crap for years, but we’ve all looked for the best in people, in things, even if they hurt us or disappointed us or really fucking pissed us off. Kinda like what I’m doing right now LMAO

And if you watch closely, Cas takes a fucking minute after he mentions Jack. He looked like he was in so much pain. His voice cracked when he mentioned Sam. In making the choice to sacrifice himself he was condemning himself to never seeing Sam again. Never seeing Jack again. And Sam and Cas love each other so damn much, and Cas loves Jack more than anything else. That was bound to be hard. Probably one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. 

So of course he focused on Dean. Because he loves him too, even though he probably shouldn’t sometimes, and he mustered up enough happiness for the Empty to come, and found some pride in himself and how he’s grown. I do believe he sort of accepted himself, and let go of some of his self-loathing at the last second. He cobbled together some last-minute peace. I’m proud of him for that. 

But I think I hate it, in all honestly. I DESPISE it as an ending for Castiel. It doesn’t do him justice in the slightest. It doesn’t begin to be in that realm. It was a mess, it was poorly written, he felt out of character (the fucking disconnect from Cas in his scenes with Jack this ep vs. this monstrosity... whoa nelly. I have whiplash). But I have to believe that there’s something like this in there, or I will go insane. I’m far too attached to Cas to just let this go without settling on an interpretation that isn’t “gay angel goes to superhell.” Totally valid to cope with 2012 tumblr humor, but dear god am I really struggling with this. It was bad, but I need to take it somewhat seriously for my own sanity.

And he’s dead. He’s gone, probably permanently. And the knowledge of that alone is enough to make me cry (listen... Castiel has gotten me through some crap in my life. I MISS him) and I will forever be angry that his ending wasn’t even about him. So hopefully my analysis helped you a little bit, if you’re in a Cas-loving pit and clawing your way out like me. 

I just think the timing of it was too perfect for Cas not to have been aware of what he was doing. It was too deliberate. And though I am all for Cas getting some kind of canonical queerness (even though all the SPN angels are technically canonically genderfluid/nonbinary/non-conforming, somewhere in that broad spectrum), I still think what he wanted but could never have was much more to do with himself rather than Dean. He really didn’t have to die, though, certainly not so terribly. I think I actually preferred his death in All Along the Watchtower. I wouldn’t trade late seasons Cas for anything, though, because (excepting this) he was rad. Killing the game. Dadstiel, Sam and Cas’s friendship- I loved watching those flourish in the late seasons. And everything I loved most about it was done so dirty. I’m just so tired. I wish I could mourn him without being angry and bitter at the writers. 

[crashdevlin]

Deserving

Author’s Note: Written for @georgialouisea‘s 2K Quote Challenge. I picked the FRIENDS quote ‘We were on a break!’. This was meant to be a light, funny fic and it just... I’m so sorry for the amount of angst in this fic... except, you know... it’s what I’m good at. No gifs are mine. Oh, and as angels are genderless, I use the pronouns appropriate to their vessel. SPOILERS FOR SEASON 14!

Pairing(s): Dean x Plus-sized Reader

Summary: y/n and Dean have been together for years, but they’ve been arguing nonstop since a couple weeks after Dean came back. 

Word Count: 4512

Story Warnings: so much angst it’s not even okay, kinda cheating, breakups, scars, self-esteem issues, Michael!Dean, character death (events of 14x08), the events of 14x09...

You stomped after Dean, fury on your face as the two of you entered the library of the Bunker. Castiel looked up, instantly uncomfortable with his friends’ human drama. The two of you had been fighting for three days straight, Cas wasn't sure about what, and he was certain that you’d broken off your relationship the night before, but here you were, fighting again.

“Cas, you’ve got a perfect memory,” Dean said, coming to a stop in front of the angel, whose eyes went wide. “What was the last thing y/n said before she threw her hands up like a toddler and stomped out of here last night?”

Castiel looked between the hunters. “Uh…”

“I’m a toddler?! At least I didn’t run to my best friend for help justifying-”

“That’s ‘cause you’re a bitch and you don’t have any friends.”

“I have friends!”

“Name one… and Sam and the hunters you talk to online don’t count.”

“Why not? They’re real people who like me so-”

“Cas! Come on,” Dean called out as the angel started to slink away.

Cas sighed and turned back to them. “I believe her words were… ‘Fuck you, Dean. If you want a break, we’re on one’.”

“Ha! See?” Dean turned to you. “We were on a break!”

“Dean, I don’t think-” Cas started as your mouth turned down in anger and disgust.

“You know what? Fine, Ross, we were on a break, so what you did wasn’t cheating.” Dean’s look of victory was cut short as you continued. “It was just a terrible, shitty thing to do to me.”

“Oh, come-”

“You couldn’t wait six fuckin’ hours for me to calm down, cool off and come home? No, you had to go pick up some bar skank and take her home to-”

“I was drunk!” Dean defended, throwing his hands up.

“So was I! But I managed to make it home without scratch marks down my back! Why didn’t you?!”

“Oh, the only reason you didn’t get fucked was because men don’t generally go to bars to pick up scarred-up fat chicks,” Dean spat out, nastily.

And just like that the fight was over, all anger being washed out of you by a wave of pain as Dean stabbed both of your weak points with one sentence. You blinked at Dean, your breath frozen in your lungs. You could see the moment he realized he’d gone too far, but you just looked away. “Oh. Okay. I��” You nodded, before rushing past Cas and running up the spiral staircase.

“y/n-” Dean called, but he was met with the sound of the Bunker door creaking closed. He wished you would have yelled at him, screamed, shouted, hit him, hurt him… fuck, he wouldn’t have been too upset if you shot him after that comment, that would’ve meant you were pissed. But you weren’t pissed. You were hurt and it was on him.

“Dean. Go after her,” Cas demanded.

Dean took a deep breath and shook his head. “No, man. Not after that. Gotta give her time to-” He rubbed his fingers over his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “-get pissed off about it.”

“And if she doesn’t ‘get pissed off’?” Cas asked, his words stilted. “If she stays depressed and in pain? What then, Dean?”

Dean looked down. “Then, at least the fight’s over.”

“As well as your relationship.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was over the moment I stuck my dick in that hourglass blond from the roadhouse on Route 32.”

“Why?” Castiel shook his head. “Why would you have sex with someone other than y/n?”

Dean licked his lips and walked over to the whiskey in the crystal bottle. “Because, Cas… it’s…” He picked up the bottle and filled a crystal tumbler. “I just… when I imagined my life… when I imagined comin’ up on forty and settling down with just one woman… it wasn’t her.”

Cas’ eyebrows tucked together in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“She’s just… I figured if I… if I got serious with a chick, it’d be with a normal one. One like Cassie, like Lisa. Y/n is… she’s hard and she’s broken and she’s the meanest bitch I’ve ever laid eyes on and that’s… I don’t think that’s what I want, Cas.”

“You did this… on purpose?”

Dean took a drink and shook his head. “No. No, I… I started the fight on purpose, but… I… didn’t mean to…”

“Yes, you did.” Castiel tilted his head in confusion, searching Dean's thoughts. “You went out and found a woman who embodies every trait y/n confided that she wishes she had, and you had sex with that woman just to hurt y/n. Dean… why didn't you just…”

“Break up with my brother's best friend for no reason? I still… I don't know. I mean, I wanted it over but I also didn't want to end it.”

“Yeah, I mean, I can, but- Are you sure, y/n?” Sam walked in, anger-tinged worry on his face as he held his cell phone to his ear. “No, I just- maybe after you calm down and think about-” He sighed and nodded. “Yeah, okay. I'll box it up. Text me the address. Yeah, you, too. Be careful.”

Sam stared at Dean for a moment after he clicked the phone off, anger radiating from him. “Her scars, Dean? The one thing she's more self-conscious about than her weight, which you also slammed her on! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Why don't you ask Cas? He seems to be an expert in why I do the things I do,” Dean responded, walking away toward his bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean set his drink on top of the dresser and sighed as he picked up a picture that had never found its way into a picture frame. A Polaroid of him and y/n at the South Dakota State Fair a year before. He ran his thumb over the scar on her cheek. He’d loved her scars when he first fell for her. They were badges of strength, proof that she could survive, that she could hack it in the Life. Now, they were a harsh reminder of bad times.

Sam pushed his door opened and walked in with an empty file box under his arm. “Get out,” he demanded.

“Excuse you? This is my room.” Dean set the picture down and picked up his drink.

“Yeah, well, I’m packin’ up y/n’s stuff for her, so get out or stay out out of my way.” Sam started to round the room as Dean sat on his bed with his back against the headboard, legs stretched out as he watched his brother. Sam picked up knives and hair ties, pens and notebooks and her hunter journal from the small desk. He slammed the box down on the desk and turned to Dean. “You know there are better ways you could’ve done this, Dean.”

Dean looked up at him, tiredly. “Oh, really?”

“Yes! A hundred better ways that wouldn’t leave her destroyed like this.”

“First, she’ll be fine. She’s strong as fuck.” Dean leaned forward, kicking his feet over the side of his bed, which still smelled like y/n. “Second, it had to be this way. Because this way, she’s gone and she’s not coming back. It’s over this way.” Sam shook his head in disbelief. “If she’d stuck around to be your bestie or Cas and Jack’s hunting partner… I know me, Sam, I’da ended up in bed with her again and then I’d have to deal with the morning after. It’s better if she’s just gone.”

“When the hell did you decide you didn’t want her, anymore? Because last I checked, you were over the moon for her.”

Dean looked at the glass of whiskey. “I don’t know, Sam, it’s just… ever since I’ve been back-”

“If you blame this on Michael, I swear I’m gonna punch you. This isn’t-”

“Do you know what he did to her?” Dean snapped. Sam looked away, his vision resting on the hunter journal in the box. He knew well the lines of her newest scars, the ones that covered the landscape of her body; the scars that were worse than the werewolf claws across her right cheek that had made her feel ugly for five years or the one across her left shin that kept her from wearing shorts. Sam knew her new scars, all created by a karambit held by Michael in Dean’s hands. Michael had left her barely alive, sent her back to the Bunker, a clear message not to try to find him, or stop him. “That she survived that… that she could still look me in my face after that… but she still loved me after that.”

“You didn’t do it, Dean. Michael did.”

“And it was my fault! My body, my face, my dumbass plan to save you and Jack. How could she not hold any grudge? How could she love me? I mean, that kind love… I don’t deserve that, Sam.”

Sam’s eyes snapped to his brother’s. “Are you telling me that you just crushed y/n’s heart because you think you don’t deserve the unconditional love she’s freely offered from the moment she met you?” Dean rolled his eyes and took a drink. “You’re an idiot. You are the dumbest man in the history of dumb men. You just fucked away the greatest thing God ever gave you because you thought you didn’t deserve her?”

Sam sighed loudly and turned back around to continue packing. “And, of course, you didn’t just fuck yourself out of y/n, you fucked me, too. You fucked over Jack. ‘cause losing one mom wasn’t bad enough, right?”

Dean set his drink down on the dresser and stood, pulling Baby’s keys out of his pocket and leaving his room without another word.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m sorry, buddy. I know I should have said ‘goodbye’.” You’d willed yourself to stop crying long enough to answer one of Jack’s phone calls. “It all just… it happened so fast, Jack.”

“But, are you coming back?”

You shook your head, your throat clenching as you tried to avoid another wave of tears. “No, I’m not. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but-”

“But I wanted to show you what I learned on YouTube. I-”

“I’m sorry. Jack, I’m sorry.”

“I just don’t understand why you had to leave. Don’t you like it here?”

“O-of course, I do, but… things are complicated.” How do you explain a catastrophic breakup to a toddler? “I can’t be there, buddy. I wish I could, but… you’re better off with the guys anyway. They can help you better than me. Look, uh, can you… can you tell Dean that I… sent him a package? It’ll be at the post office in… uh, I think three days.”

“Okay.”

“I, uh, I gotta go.”

“Okay.”

“You know you can call me if you ever need anything, right?”

“Yeah. Goodbye, y/n.”

You stared at the ceiling of the motel room you’d grabbed after running from the bunker. How quickly your entire life had changed. A week ago, you were expecting to spend the rest of your life in Lebanon. Three months ago, you were half-dead in a hospital bed, having been almost destroyed by the archangel wearing the man you loved. You had nightmares of glowing blue eyes, of a curved blade tearing through your skin and the muscle under it, of him healing you just enough to keep you from dying of blood loss or shock.

You held on in hopes that Dean would come back some day, and he had. Dean came back and now? Now you were wishing Michael had just let you die in that hotel you tracked him down in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean stared at the box sitting on the bench of the Impala for at least fifteen minutes, trying to decide whether he should open it. He knew what it was. Things he’d left in y/n’s car, things he’d given her that she didn’t want anymore, maybe a nasty note. He sighed and pulled out his pocket knife, running the blade across the tape and opening the flaps. He bit his bottom lip as he pulled out a Led Zeppelin cassette, followed by an AC/DC band tee, a switchblade he was sure he’d lost years ago, his favorite pair of vice-grip pliers, and the simple heart necklace he’d given her for her birthday the year before.

Under all of that was the other necklace she always wore, the white gold chain with the thick sterling silver band that used to reside on Dean’s right hand. It was never anything special until she picked it up from his bedside table and claimed it as her own. It was nothing more than a bottle opener to him until she slipped it on that chain, until he saw her kissing it before she slipped it into her t-shirt every day.

There was no note. There was nothing she needed to say, and that was good. That meant she was done. Dean slipped the ring off of the chain and slid it onto his right ring finger, tossing everything into the box before pulling away from the Lebanon Post Office.

~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you mean ‘Jack’s dying’?” you asked, panic settling in your chest.

“When Lucifer took his grace-” Sam started.

“How long?” you demanded.

“Rowena thinks not long. Couple hours, maybe.”

“No. How long has he been sick? Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t you?”

“He was hiding it. He had a cough, but… we didn’t know.” Sam was silent for a minute. “Can you get here?”

“I’m in Orlando, Sam.” Your voice broke as you continued. “I’m nah-ot gonna get there in time.”

“Can you try?”

“Of course, I’ll try.”

You were absolutely exhausted by the time you made it to the Bunker. You hadn’t slept in three days and you were emotionally unprepared for Jack to be dead. He was a baby! How could he be dead? Sam greeted you in the garage, Jack right behind him. The nephil didn’t even look slightly off. “We saved him,” Sam said, noticing your look of confusion.

Jack rushed forward, wrapping his arms around you and you crumbled. Tears streamed down your face as you wrapped your arms around him and buried your face in the boy’s chest. “It’s okay, y/n. I’m okay.”

“Hey, what’s-” Dean’s voice was just audible over your sobs and it made you stiffen in Jack’s arms. “Oh. You called her?”

“Yeah, Dean. She deserved to be here,” Sam answered.

“Yeah, okay, well, he’s not dead anymore, so…”

“So, what, Dean?” Jack asked, pulling back to look at Dean. You didn’t. You looked at your feet. “She can’t leave. She just got here.”

“And she drove from Orlando in one go, Dean. She needs to rest,” Sam defended.

“It’s fine. I’ll just… the motel down the-”

“No!” Sam and Jack both shouted.

You shook your head. “Like I said, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t think you should even be driving, right now. You look like a stiff breeze would knock you over,” Sam said, putting a large hand on your shoulder. “Come on, we’ll get you set up in one of the extra rooms. You can at least get some sleep before Dean chases you away again.”

Dean growled and stomped out of the garage. “Why is Dean angry?” Jack asked.

“He kinda hates me, Jack. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna let anything taint the fact that my nephil buddy is alive and thriving.”

“How could he hate you?” Jack asked, curiously.

“He-” Sam started but shook his head. “Let’s just get you in bed, huh?”

“What happened to all the, uh, Apocalypse World folks?” you asked, tiredly, leaning into Sam’s embrace.

“Oh, they’re all out hunting. Out in the world, making things better. We got them in the habit of the check-ins and wearing the GoPros so… they don’t need to be here,” Sam answered.

“GoPros was a good idea, Sam,” you muttered as he led you into a nondescript room.

“What do you want for breakfast when you wake up, huh?” Sam asked as you dropped to the bed.

“We’ve got Krunch Cookie Crunch,” Jack offered with a smile.

“That stuff’ll rot your teeth,” Sam said, pulling your tennis shoes off and yanking the blanket back to let you under the thin brown fabric.

“Scrambled eggs. No teeth rot there,” you answered.

“Unless you cover them in ketchup,” Sam said, knowingly.

“Don’t reveal my secrets, Sam.”

He scoffed and stood as you snuggled into the pillow, heavy eyes falling closed and sleep dragging you down quickly.

~~~~~~~

“I told you that she needs to not be here, Sam.”

“Just because you can’t trust yourself to keep it in your fuckin’ pants when it comes to y/n, that doesn’t mean you have to put her in danger by sending her away when she’s half-dead.”

“You’re the one who didn’t call her and tell her that Lily Sunder was bringing Jack back from the dead. She wouldn’t have done that 24-hour drive all at once if you’d told her Jack was fine.”

“I’m sorry, Dean, I got distracted by Jack dying and coming back.”

“Oh, bullshit! You wanted her here.”

“So? We miss her, Dean,” Sam argued, before he sighed. “And we’re about to go against Michael. Don’t you think she deserves to have the option to participate?” Dean opened his mouth to argue that y/n shouldn’t be anywhere near Michael, but Sam continued. “He tortured her, Dean, which is worse than using your body and drowning you. She deserves to-”

“No the fuck she doesn’t! She doesn’t need to be anywhere near Michael, Sam. You can’t put her in that building with him.”

“Oh, but it’s fine for the rest of us? It’s fine for Garth? Dean, if she wants to go, none of us can stop her.”

Dean shook his head. “I hate this,” he said, stomping off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, what do you think?” Castiel asked, licking his chapped lips as you pushed eggs around your plate with your fork.

You didn’t know what to think. Part of you really wanted to be there when Michael got what was coming to him. Part of you wanted to see an archangel’s eyes blow out with light, but the bigger part of you wanted to never be around Michael again. “I-I don’t know, Cas. Um… If you need me, I’m willing, but…” You swallowed to clear your suddenly dry throat, reaching out to pick up your coffee mug. “I just…”

“I understand.” Cas nodded. “Will you come to Kansas City? You don’t have to go against Michael, but I think it would be best for you to… to be there.”

You nodded. “Yeah, of course. I wouldn’t leave you guys hanging.”

Cas gave a tight smile. “Thank you. Jack is a lot happier when you’re here.”

“Dean’s not,” you responded, standing to toss the rest of your scrambled eggs in the trash.

The angel sighed, heavily. “Dean is complicated.”

“You don’t have to tell me, Cas.” You walked to the sink, grabbing a sponge and cleaning the plate. “You know I can’t stay, right? I’m so happy that Jack’s okay and I… I, obviously, can be around Dean now without breaking down, but… I can’t stay around him not for very long, anyway. It’s too much.”

“You’re still in love?”

You bit your lip, grabbing a dishrag and wiping the plate. “Of course. He could never hurt me enough to make me stop.”

“Y/n…”

“It’s not a big deal.” You set the plate on the counter and turned to him. “I always knew I wasn't good enough for him, that someday… someday he'd realize that… someday he'd remember that he's Dean Winchester and that he could have almost any woman in the world.” A little shuddering sigh escaped you as you avoided looking at Cas. “Just wish he would've cast me out before Michael got his hands on me. I'd have far fewer scars to show if he had.”

You ran your hands across your shoulder and down. You'd counted them, once. Well, not just once. You'd actually counted them several times, sitting in front of a floor-length mirror with a compact in your hand, making sure that the number came out the same every time. Three-hundred and thirty-three cuts. Ignoring the old scars, just counting the ones Michael tore into your flesh over the two days he had you, there were three hundred and thirty-three of them; A divine number.

Cas had tried, on more than one occasion when you first got out of the hospital, to heal the scars. Michael had done something to you that prevented Cas’ grace from touching you, a ‘force field’ as Jack had dubbed it. You were stuck with the scars.

You cleared your throat and turned away. “Anyway, I’ll head to Kansas City, get a bit of an advance recon going. You can call me when you… when you get there.”

“You shouldn’t go alone.”

“I really should.” You stepped forward, wrapped your arms around him, before running for your car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The copper taste of blood in your mouth pulled you out of the unconscious state you were in. “No,” was all you could say to the vamp that got the drop on you.

“Just let it happen, y/n,” a sharp-dressed, dark-skinned woman in clunky heels knelt down next to you. “You’ll be mine in a minute either way. It’ll go so much faster if you just let go.”

“Michael,” you groaned, trying to fight it as you could feel yourself turning.

“Do you remember what I said when I let you go, y/n?” Michael asked, her eyes glowing blue as she ran her hand over your mouth to clean the blood off of you. “I told you that I have no need of broken, human hunters. What I have need of is this… you, hungry.”

“I won’t,” you started to deny, shaking your head as everything started to get louder. Hyper-senses.

“You will. Pick her up. Take her to Hitomi Plaza… and get her someone to eat.”

You tried to resist. When they locked you in that office at Hitomi Plaza, you tried to find a way out. When they shoved that trembling businessman through the door and quickly closed it behind him, you tried to ignore the sound of his heart pounding, how the smell of him made your mouth water. You tried to keep away from him, but you were so hungry.

Michael appeared next to you as you dropped the man to the floor, disgust eating at you because of how satisfied you felt. She smiled. “Now, do you see? Every desire you’ve ever had, they pale in comparison to this one, and this desire is so easily sated.” You blinked as she cupped your chin in her hands. “You’re mine, now.”

You nodded, looking up into her eyes. Now that the hunger was gone, you could feel Michael’s grace flowing through you. You were Michael’s. “Good girl. Now, how about a treat?” You could feel grace pouring into your skin from her palms and when she pulled away smiling, you ran your hand over your right cheek. No raised tissue met your fingertips, the scars on your face gone. “Much more pleasing to the eye without those scars.”

“Thank you,” you whispered. “But wh-”

“Why?” Michael smirked. “Because I found you deserving. You proved your strength… here.” She pointed to one of the scars on your stomach. “I gave you three hundred and thirty-three cuts. You gave me tears and blood in return, vomit at one point, but you did not, not once, beg me to stop or to end your life. You are strong. But I don’t want a strong human, y/n.”

“You needed a monster.”

“Wanted,” Michael corrected, before continuing. “I knew you’d be here, in Kansas City. I knew one of my army would find you. I incentivized them to turn you instead of killing you like we’ll be doing with the other hunters. And now, when the boys arrive, you’ll be here to greet them with me.”

You nodded. Suddenly, all you wanted was to show the Winchesters the new you. You felt your fangs poke out of your gums again in your excitement. “Put your fangs away, dear. Don’t want to ruin the surprise, do we?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You watched from the CCTV in the security room as Michael beat Castiel bloody, while Sam, Jack and Dean infiltrated the office in an attempt to catch Michael by surprise. Of course the archangel knew they were there and called to you with her grace, bidding you to join them. You walked into the penthouse office as Michael’s female vessel dropped to the ground. You could feel Michael reenter Dean and it made you smile. It was right. He was stronger in Dean, better.

Michael stepped forward a few steps to look out at the lights of the city.

“Dean?” Cas said, confused.

You couldn’t see their faces from behind them, but you could see their bodies go tense as Michael broke the spear in half. You smiled as Michael turned, eyes glowing brightly. “No,” Sam denied. Their hearts were pounding and you felt yourself getting hungry again just from the sound of it.

“Yeah.” Michael’s eyes faded to a dark green. “When I gave up Dean, you didn’t think to question it, to ask why? Dean was… resisting me. He was too attached to you, to all of you.” He beckoned you closer and you came around Jack’s right side as he continued speaking. “He wouldn’t stop squirming… to get out, get back. So I left...” You swiped the crystal tumbler off of the coffee table and handed it to him.

“...but not without leaving the door open…” He licked his lips. “...just a crack.”

“Y/n?” Jack questioned, eyes wide and confused.

“Oh, don’t worry about y/n. She was just the first in a long line of things I ruined for Dean.”

“Why wait?” Castiel asked.

“The same reason I scarred y/n; to break him. To crush and disappoint him so completely that, this time, he’ll be nice and quiet for a change-” He reached out and ran his hand across your cheek. “-buried. And he is. He’s gone.”

You licked your lips as he drank down the rest of the liquor in the glass. “And now, I have a whole army out there…” He spread his arms dramatically to show the scale of his city-wide attack plan before turning to you and winking. “...and here, waiting, ready for my command, ready… for this.”

Michael didn’t have to tell you what to do as he snapped his fingers and your fangs descended, ready to attack at the behest of your master, your savior, the only one who ever saw you as deserving of anything.

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