#you can learn how to cope
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A lot of people think my autism is “getting better” but I think a lot of it has to do with being an adult and being able to make my own decisions. I used to have frequent meltdowns and shutdowns and on the outside seemed more “obviously” autistic. But I’m 19 now, so I have a lot more say in my life. I only buy one brand of socks. I only own 2 types of shoes. All of my clothes are the exact same. I only eat what *I* want to eat and think feels safe. I can drive and can choose when to leave for appointments and obligations. If I were still a child and forced to wear socks with seams in the toes or clothes that fit me wrong or foods that trigger my sensory issues or have my routine thrown off by other people, I would have A LOT more issues. But since I’m an adult, I have control over most aspects of my life. I’m not “less autistic” now, I just have more free will and know myself well enough to avoid triggers.
#autism is a neurodevelopmental condition#you’re born with it#it can’t ‘get better’#BUT!!!!!!#and this is a huge but#you CAN learn ways to deal with it better!!!!#you can learn how to cope#and how to work with autism instead of fighting it#let me tell you. if someone forced me to eat peas right now….. I would scream and cry and throw up from a sensory issues meltdown#but I’m an adult so I just. don’t buy or use peas.#and my mom knows me well enough that if she makes a dinner with peas#she just pulls a portion out for me before adding the peas#actually autistic#actually autism#autism#autistic#neurodivergent
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What if WWX lived to see his forties in his original body (without the core, of course)
#mdzs#mdzs fanart#wei wuxian#mo dao zu shi#why is he wearing the jiang attributes? bc this is an au where for him to live he had to never cross paths with WQ again#he didn't learn about the camps and stayed a jiang disciple#did you think it was a happy au oh guys i don't do happy aus... i can only do “some things are better but some are worse”#how does jc feel about wwx aging? oh he's trying his best not to care but he's secretly hoping to find a way to slow it down#so he wouldn't have to watch wwx die prematurely (by cultivators' standards)#lwj isn't coping well either lol
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yeah sure therapy is nice but teen soukoku is faster and a lot cheaper
#LITERALLY STILL IN SHAMBLES OVER 109 THIS IS HOW IM COPING#thinking abt how much harder teen skk hits bc that's when chuuya started using corruption and they had to learn to trust each other#like with their lives.#not ''hey dazai i'm lending you five bucks so you can get me a coke from the vending machine i trust you'll give me the change''#although i'm sure that's happened and dazai runs off with the change despite being explicitly told not to bc he's an ass#anyway despite not having mutual understanding or even sympathy for the other person they entrusted their lives to each other#also the fact that chuuya isn't likely human but so desperately wants to be and dazai is the tether to his humanity#likewise how dazai was so traumatized to the point where he couldn't feel human#but meeting chuuya made him think living was worth a shot#the parallels are paralleling#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#nakahara chuuya#chuuya nakahara#soukoku#skk#lotus draws
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A Jayroy fic where Jade drops off baby Lian and they just.. retire.
There’s a really difficult conversation they have about dating and raising a kid and vigilante work and they decide screw it. It’s not safe to raise a kid around.
And by retire, I mean they disappear. Go to ground.
(Talia knows what it is to want the best for your child even if they have different opinions on what best is. She gets them off the grid and funded in some sort of suburban hellscape that takes the both of them a while to adjust to. They say they have a deep space mission and just, don’t come back.)
Roy works in a rehab clinic and Jason gets a degree in Literature. He becomes a professor at a small college, taking on graduate students and falling into academia.
They go to therapy, the make friends with other parents, they become normal people. And they have an insane security system for their house, and AI that scrapes cameras of their faces, and a modified basement that Roy compares to the Batcave exactly once that has a gym and space to work on equipment and a method of escape should it be necessary to uproot their lives again.
Because they want to be civilians, but that doesn’t mean that if their past lives come knocking, they’ll be caught unaware and too out of the game to defend themselves. In fact, because they don’t go on patrol, they’re at peak performance at all times and rarely injured more than a sprained wrist or paper cut. Gone are the days of concussions, GSWs, and stab wounds.
The superhero community doesn’t know what to do, what to think. Because all of their resources are expended elsewhere. And because space is a big place, and trying to find two humans in its vastness is an exercise in futility.
So Lian grows up normally. She’s a girl whose parents love her. And her problems are ordinary, like homework and sleepovers and playing soccer.
And when she’s in middle school, the same age as Roy and Jason were when they started superhero training, they tell her about their past lives. About the danger it will bring if they’re found. Because they promised never to lie to her, and to never let her get wrapped up in the vigilante scene.
They’re well adjusted people raising a normal daughter.
And they explain to Lian that they came from very large and complicated families. Families that did dangerous work, work that put anyone who knew about it at risk. And that Lian was a baby, and that all of that risk of their jobs, was not worth her life. That they loved her more than their families, their jobs, their previous lives. But that it meant they could be discovered, and that those old lives would be dragged back up again and she could get hurt.
Lian thinks of it like witness protection.
So Lian memorizes code names and pictures of people that may try and approach her. She learns the differences between friendlies and uglies. Between ex-family, and rogues. And she doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t look into things when her parents ask her not to. Because she trusts them to protect her. She trusts them like a well adjusted young girl who could very well ask her parents for more information, but doesn’t care about the answers because she trusts they’re not important. That it doesn’t change how much they love her or what their lives are.
There are a couple of versions of this:
1. Jason, Roy and Lian live out their lives happily and away from their families. They are never again vigilantes or found out by them.
A) Alfred dies and that is the only thing that almost breaks Jason, that he didn’t get to see the man again before he died.
2. The Bats track them down, ask them what they hell they were thinking, that they thought they were dead. To come home, be part of the family again. They’re told no - and the three of them disappear again to somewhere they’ll never be found.
3. Alfred finds them, says nothing to anyone and once a year, on Lian’s birthday, goes to visit. None of the Bats ever figure it out.
4. Alfred knows where they’re going from the beginning, he keeps them updated on their families and helps hide them from everyone. He never once tells a soul that Jason and Roy are alive. He is allowed to visit Lian sometimes and they are all happier for it.
A) When Alfred gets old enough, he tells Bruce he will be retiring. He asks that he is not followed, that no one from the super hero community is allowed to keep tabs on him. He tells him he’s sorry, but that it has to be this way. Alfred goes and lives the end of his life with Jason, they speak about literature every day, about Alfred’s parents about anything he wants to. Jason buries Alfred in England and Bruce Wayne gets an unmarked alert to its location.
5. The Bats find them, and never approach them. Each Bat basically figures out that Jason is alive, doesn’t say anything to the rest of the family, and keeps tabs on him and Roy. Once they realize that Lian exists, none of them ever breach that level of trust, even as they all grow into old age and move on with their lives.
6. Bruce finds them.
A) He waits for Jason in a cafe, watches him realize who he is and turn to look at the Roy Harper, who nods once and walks away. Jason approaches him and sits down. He asks how he found them. Bruce doesn’t say anything, just looks at his son, alive, seemingly happy. Tells him it was an accident, he had genuinely still thought they were in space, maybe dead, until someone plagiarized Jason’s work, submitted it through a Wayne Enterprises competition of some sort, and it flagged the system. It had been entirely work related, pure coincidence. No capes.
B) And Jason laughs and it’s lighter than Bruce has heard it in years. Jason asks how much Bruce knows about him now, how much intel he gathered before approaching him. Bruce says he knows about their marriage, their daughter, their jobs and habits. Jason nods and he’s smiling. Bruce doesn’t know what to do. He had checked the area, and there were no reports of anything approaching vigilantism, no anonymous casework, no decrease in crime, nothing to suggest the presence of the Red Hood and Arsenal. He hasn’t spoken to Jason outside of business in years, isn’t sure he knows how to anymore. And he looks happy, he’s alive, he’s a civilian.
C) He wants to ask him everything, ask him to come home, wants to know the man his son became. He asks Jason why. Why they disappeared. And Jason is still smiling and it’s honest and Bruce can’t stand to look at him and can’t help it either. So Jason tells him that they will never let their daughter into vigilantism. That they quit, and needed it to be absolute. That he and Roy couldn’t do this halfway, that if they loved their daughter they had to do only what was best for her, and that meant burning their old lives entirely, becoming civilians.
D) Their lives had been too complicated, too many people, too much history. So many ways for things to go badly, to leave Lian without parents or get her killed as leverage against them. And for as much as he and Roy had cared about the people in their lives, couldn’t stop caring about them, they knew that they would just drag Lian into all of the emotional problems that come with being a vigilante. That it wasn’t healthy, for any of them. That trying to do so would kill them. So they disappeared. And Bruce thinks of the pain he and his family had gone through over Jason, wondering how he was doing, if he was dead, hearing nothing and trying not to let it eat at them. But right now, his son is in front of him smiling, something he can’t seem to stop doing. Something Bruce never thought he’d see again.
E) And he has a son in law, a granddaughter. His son has a family, one he built himself. He looks healthy, he’s not closed off, he’s more open than Bruce thinks he’s ever seen him. It’s jarring, like Bruce is wrong footed. He doesn’t know what to say. Wants to tell him about everything that’s happened, to his brothers to their family, to Gotham and old contacts. Wants him back in the loop. Wants to ask about their lives, and college, and his wedding and his daughter. Bruce wants to know all of it. And he wants to know how he did it, how he hid himself so well in plain view.
F) And the detective in him will always prioritize the how over everything else. He wouldn’t be Bruce if he didn’t. So Bruce asks how. And Jason laughs, says he’s not going to tell him.
G) You know I can’t tell you that, old man.
H) He can’t let it go, Bruce can never let anything go, that’s his burden to bear. He tries to push old buttons, doesn’t notice he’s doing it. But Jason won’t stop smiling, won’t switch from civilian to vigilante. There is no trace of anger, of the Red Hood. He doesn’t look surprised and Bruce’s arguments, about flaws in his code, software, he’s just smiling. Won’t rise to the bait. And for once, Bruce has a feeling he’s only felt around Clark. A feeling of being outmatched. Jason knows all of his buttons, isn’t pushing a damn one. Isn’t letting Bruce push his either. It’s not even a stalemate. Bruce has no openings.
I) He starts telling him about his brothers, about missions and life developments. He tries to tell Jason everything. And Jason listens, hears everything he has to say. And Bruce asks him about himself, his life, his husband, his daughter. And he hears about NA and AA meetings, about therapy and raising an infant, and being a professor and his students about their friends and neighbors, about Lian’s friends at school. All of it. Except the how. And at some point, it’s been a couple of hours, but not very long at all, Jason gets a text. He doesn’t look at his phone. And Bruce knows that whatever spell had been cast over the cafe, whatever bubble of another universe he had crossed into, he was about to watch it close. Implode on itself with only him inside. Because Jason was about to leave. All of it, the cafe, the conversation, the smiling and the laughter, it was the one distraction that Bruce was liable to. And Jason has him right where he wanted him. It was something that wouldn’t work twice, and they both knew it.
J) And Jason says, I can’t stop you from telling anyone. I can’t stop any of you from looking for us, but this was the third life of mine that you ended. Of the two of us, I would go to greater lengths to protect my daughter. I am asking you not to make me do something you’ll regret. I am asking you not to look for us, not to tell anyone, not to put it in a report. I did not want to hurt you, any of you. And you have made that unavoidable. I know you, Bruce, and I have spent time healing from everything I’ve been through. I cannot allow you to pull me back into it, to pull the three of us back into your world. I know that this conversation won’t stop you, now that you know. So I’m sorry, I didn’t want to have to say this. I know who you are, who all of you are. It was never a question before, that I would keep your secrets. If you look for us, I will go public. It’s not just your life I’ll be placing at risk, it will be the entire league. I will burn every bridge, every alias. I have redundancies in place, you send a super my way you better be sure to send them all. You better be sure you’ve caught all my backups, all of Roy’s backups, everything. We have avoided you for years without triggering any of your, or the league’s, systems. I can’t predict another accident, but if you know what is best for you and everything you’ve built, you will prevent even that from happening. Do not force my hand.
K) Bruce stands, trying to memorize his son’s face. And then Jason is gone. Disappearing down a street and out of sight. And Roy is waiting for him, their house had been cleared of all traces, Talia has new lives set up for them and Lian is asleep in the backseat.
L) Their lives are busy for the next few weeks, traveling and covering their tracks and looking for new methods of being traced. And they change their names, change their lives, are prepared for the upheaval of being new people again. This time, it sticks. They watch Lian graduate school, college, get married, have children of her own. And the media is inescapable - they learn very little about their old families lives, but not nothing. There are funerals and weddings and probably so much more in private, things they will never know, never be part of again. And then they’re just old and together. Their grandkids visit, Lian visits, life is good and long and they are happy.
• Or, it sticks until one day, a spell is cast in Gotham and he’s standing on a rooftop, no mask, identity on full display, surrounded by other vigilantes in mixed states of gear and civilian status. Some being or other from another universe required all hands on deck in this universe and had used a spell to summon them all here.
• Jason spotted Roy appearing near him on the rooftop, both of them stunned. No one had noticed them yet, but their moment of indecisiveness and a moment of pure awareness on the Batfam’s part, meant there would be an inescapable confrontation. Batman seemed to notice them first and looked to Jason, who shook his head. It appeared Batman was trying to talk to the person who had summoned them all here, to argue they should be sent back or ask if it was possible.
• Jason moved himself and Roy towards Batman, doing their best to avoid looking at any of the other vigilantes at all, including but especially family. They walked into a tense conversation.
• You must send them back, they are civilians.
• Batman, you of all people understand the threat we are up against, if the spell believes they are necessary to combat X then they were brought here.
• I understand perfectly well, I am telling you to send them back. Having them here is a security risk, not during the fight, but after. This is not your universe, things are different in ways you can’t know of, this is one of those circumstances.
• Jason and Roy approach, Roy tapping his shoulder in a way that means he’ll follow his lead.
• He announces, You are in violation of the Hempstead agreement. You have one hour to return us to our previous location before we are a security risk.
• They can hear intakes of breath around them, some of the arrow clan and bat clan have approached, uncertain of what exactly is happening, but not comforted by the fact that Batman seems to understand the situation without telling any of them. The argument continues, Jason standing just behind Roy, separating him from the group slowly forming around them, people pushing their way to the center to see their son or brother again. Their friends.
• A decision is reached, It will take me 10 minutes to establish a connection strong enough to send them both through. Do not interrupt me while I prepare, follow me.
• And Jason and Roy are walking away, backs turned to their families. To their friends. There are shouts behind them, their names, other things they choose not to hear. It is all held at bay by Batman.
• They are speaking with the universe hopper, giving him a location to send them while clearly stating that he is not to give out that location to any of the vigilantes here, that violation of these terms will risk the hero community at large. The closer it gets to the ten minute mark, the more the riot behind them frays between silent understanding and desperation. Neither of them turns around, they can’t allow themselves to look. It is excruciating.
• Roy looks Jason in the eye and neither of them are fully able to stand it, but the fact that they’re not alone has to be enough. Jason can see the itch start, the overwhelming feeling that can’t be tolerated, the one that motivates people to seek out something that will just stop. He reaches out his hand, taps it against Roy’s and is met with one of the worst smiles he’s ever seen. It threatens to bring Jason to his knees, but Roy threads their hands together. The portal opens before them and without turning around, they step through.
• There is a shared panic attack, a moment of grief and regret where both of them realize just how greatly they hurt all of the people they used to care about. They break apart together and rebuild each other enough to pick up Lian from school and begin the process of torching their home. Whatever fight they had been summoned for had not happened yet, so they had a larger lead time than they had when Bruce had stumbled across them. But now, the entire hero community, many more points of being able to be convinced, was now aware they were both alive and on Earth.
#jason todd#batman#bruce wayne#redhood#roy harper#jayroy#royjay#arsenal#alfred pennyworth#retirement!au#i really think that the best way jason and roy could heal is to stop being vigilantes#that’s probably true for most of the heroes and vigilantes honestly if looking at a personal scale and not global#jason specifically is stuck in some toxic web of family and vigilantes where he can’t separate them#and he never got the time other kid heros did where they figured out who they were as they grew up jason got it dumped on him#and the distinct brand of hero judgement that comes from people trying to uphold morality being leveled at you when trying to stay sober#isn’t healthy for roy so honestly both of them need new support systems and time to learn how to cope away from life threatening traumas#i don’t know how to work in jade so either she’s exempt and can see lian or she makes talia promise she’ll be safe#i think talia would absolutely go to bat for jason against bruce in this and if bruce finds out he’s alive and they’re okay she’s in for#a worse screaming match then when he figured out she put his kid in the pit i can’t imagine his rage over her stepping in twice#but jason would absolutely appreciate it and roy would be nervous as hell meeting The Talia al Ghul
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Yes yes Jean and Neil would be wildly codependent if they’d grown up in the nest together but if I can just get through finals I can also make them fairly codependent rn
#in my head they are best friends#there’s nothing you can do to shatter my delusions#dw I am writing it I just have to do academia bc much like these fucks I am a college student#jeaneil bestfriendisms#to me Jean is “the love was there” and it didn’t necessarily change anything but it infuriates him#he loves so much and so hard and it’s gotten him nowhere so far#and Neil is like well I’ve decided you’re my person and that means I’d do anything for you#Jean doesn’t know how to cope with that type of devotion#time to learn sweetheart <3#neil josten#jean moreau#aftg#feverdreamsandlucidnightmares
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Learn from who? Learn from you? You are still a brat. What do you know? You're only three years older. Like you are any better than me. You're 21, and still a virgin. What are you proud of? I think you can't do it.
KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 06
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#userspring#uservid#userspicy#userrain#pdribs#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#*gestures at the caption* this is honestly the funniest argument they could possibly have idfk what to tell you. it's very ai di#meanwhile whatever's going through chen yi's head rn has recently been doused with 'the boss doesnt care abt me like that'#after watching cdy and zml at dinner. like chen yi already knows *before* ep9 & ai dis confession that cdy will never look at him#(the diff. between this scene & ep9's. is him failing in regards to the gang as well in cdy's eyes. he goes from feelings of disappointment#& irritability to complete despair and both times he drinks to cope. bc hes not enough in cdy's eyes in ANY of the ways he wants/hoped)#so honestly the crisis chen yi goes thru right here isnt unfounded at all hes literally dealing w an inadvertent rejection of his feelings#its chaos in his head and ai di is picking at him again and the wine is tilting in his blood and then- 'learn from who? learn from you?'#like what do YOU know about love ai di (WHILE CHEN YI'S PULLING HIM LIKE THAT-) so OF COURSE ai di goes for the deepest dig he can.#'i bet you cant get hard that explains how much of a coward you are'. its ridiculous the ways in which they push each other over the edge#but im ngl im kind of obsessed the way chen yi's tipsy line of thinking 'learn from you?' turned into the action 'fuck it learn from ME'#ANYWAY EVERYONE GO LISTEN TO 'LOSE CONTROL' BY TEDDY SWIMS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. THe most chen yi song pre-ep9
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#that’s how I cope usually#like#ah I mean you can just practice and find the right brushes and you’ll be drawing like them#I have this toxic trait tho that I always think I’ll get it first try and it destroys my motivation#but that’s just me#and a me problem#been busy with school too and as they say#school kills artists#that’s why I like being self taught though#it’s pretty cool#I can learn stuff my way#rant
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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me when richeh's arc is really about learning that she’s safe now. she’s safe to try new things and learn and grow because she isn’t being forced into it. her sense of self is no longer under threat - her individuality is supported and she is loved for who she is. she doesn’t have to close herself off to outside influence out of the fear of losing who she is anymore. she will still be herself even as she learns and grows because nobody is trying to change her or hurt her. oh my god
#also that the things that keep you safe when you're in an abusive environment can work to your detriment when you're in a safe and healthy-#-environment#me when her arc is about trauma#and this is also reflected in riliphin's arc and how this is something he's learning much more slowly and in a way he's ashamed of#they both have the coping mechanisms they used to survive abuse#richeh is closed off to anything she believes could make her 'not herself'#and riliphin put away parts of himself :(#these kids make me so sad#witch hat atelier#wha#tongari boushi no atelier#atelier of witch hat#richeh#riliphin#richeh witch hat atelier#riche
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imma be real your social anxiety will probably not go away but it will get easier 2 manage
#like#whenever I send someone a message or attempt 2 talk 2 them irl (no matter how long I've known them)#immediately after I'm like ''wow that was so stupid I really have nothing interesting to say why do I talk at all''#but I mean. at least I did it.#and I just keep doing it despite my brain telling me I'm the worst most boring person alive#it gets better#you will learn to cope even if it takes time#spacie spoinks#someone out there will find worth and enjoyment in you and your company#I promise#lately I've been trying irl#which is harder cuz I feel like everypony hates me djdjdjdhdndndjdjjsjd#but even if they do hate me at least I'm getting experience talking to people#at least I can navigate easier
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i love how my favourite dislyte characters are falken and chu yao bc they both make me absolutely descend into madness at every thought. if i'm thinking about dislyte i am either losing my mind over falken's hypervigilance being a shitty and unhealthy coping mechanism, OR i am thinking of every single unfriendly reminder i can give chu yao that he is mortal and can in fact die. pick your poison
#rambling#dislyte#dislyte falken#falken dislyte#dislyte chu yao#chu yao dislyte#i talked abt this on discord but i really love how different my interpretation of falken's vigilance is from dislyte's#dislyte words it like it's a good thing. “sander's betrayal shook him but he strengthened his resolve and continued to do the right thing”#and then i came in and was like “no. fuck you. unhealthy coping mechanism beam”#i think people gloss over falken's life pre-sander. he was risking his life near-daily and had learned to rely only on himself#genuinely being as vigilant and as guarded as he is CAN be a good thing#but not always. not all the time#sure he can notice danger from afar and is a capable and reliable commander#sure everyone looks up to him and respects him and his abilities#but how is he in more casual and safe situations?? what if there's nothing to be on the lookout for??#i'm just saying i think falken is Not A Healthy Person and there's a lot to be explored there#THIS IS WHAT I'M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THOUGH I JUST LOST MY SHIT IN TUMBLR TAGS#OVER MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER'S AWFUL COPING MECHANISM. AGAIN
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adhd advice will be like people with adhd struggle to get their thoughts organised. also to get diagnosed you need to get your thoughts on why you have adhd organised in advance in order to convince the doctor you have it
#sorry for the vent incoming but#both my sister (who is diagnosed with adhd and autism) and my mother have been saying they think i might be adhd for like a year now#and like thatd be cool bc adhd can be medicated right? so maybe i can get help with my disaster life after all#except the problem is every time i think about the task of calling the doctor i get overwhelmed and cant#unfortunately asking my family for a list of why they think i'm adhd is not helpful bc theyre always like#“idk just whenever we talk about [sister]'s adhd i think how it sounds like we're describing you” & then none of them can give me an exampl#all ive come up with myself if when i was a kid i remember i was either quiet or so chatty that i forget the other person needs to speak#or like i'd try to join in a conversation and many times people would say like 'thats not really related to what we're talking about'#i no longer and super chatty bc i learned fo shut the fuck up pretty quick or you get made fun of but yeah.#i also forget things but i'm also very good at writing them down bc i know i'll forget and make people annoyed if i dont#so like idk if that counts like i feel like in my life ive been forced to learn how to cope and fit in so its like#is it adhd and i'm masking or is it not#like this is always the problem when i seek professional help they find out i can do hard stuff and they say you seem like you're okay#but like. hard stuff i can do is still hard. is everything supposed to feel this hard then? i hope not#vent#anyway other points are my thoughts keep me awake at night (its like loud jumbled thoughts of tv quotes and music and conversations ive had#and also obviously i struggle to make appointments. and i get distracted when i'm doing something boring even if i remove distractions#from my sight bc if i have no distractions i just start daydreaming. is this anything#this post itself is distracting me from work#i also connot make connections with 99% of people i meet socialising is so hard for me#maybe i should just send this tumblr vent to my doctor and see if it gets me a referral would that work
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Thinking about that one post that was like “Gerard wants to stay in the castle when war comes because he spent his formative years struggling to stay alive and survive and now he’s expected to do it again”
Like…yes you get it.
Gerard was ten.
And at ten years old he knew death better than others. He watched his first friend get eaten alive as part of the food chain at work, he nearly died at the teeth of a dog because he didn’t understand why it was weird for a talking frog to address a guard like a prince. A ten year old experienced near death for the first time and people still have the audacity to call him a coward.
He stayed in that pond for god knows how long (he states he’s thirty but we don’t know how long he and Elody have been married) and he waited for ages for someone to come find him, anyone really. That heron probably came by every day, same with the hunters and their dogs. How much death and injury did you think Gerard saw over those years in the pond? How much bravery and cleverness do you think he had to muster up in himself so as not to get eaten? No wonder he latched onto Elody and the castle life so quickly.
And when war comes at a time when he’s supposed to be free, a time when the curse has been broken and everything is fine, of course he flees. Of course he claims they can stay in their castle and be okay.
Because Gerard knows death. And he knows that if he leaves the castle again, he’s not sure he’ll make it back this time.
And he’s right. He doesn’t.
(At least that version of him anyway)
#neverafter#gerard of greenleigh#once again murph PCs have me going feral#neverafter spoilers#like gerard didn’t do anything wrong he was a kid!#and yes kids suck but you don’t turn them into prey because they annoy you#Gerard’s cowardice and materialism isn’t even that much of a flaw imo#it’s a coping mechanism for when he starts to come into contact with triggers for his PTSD#how long do you think he told himself ‘this is temporary’ while out in that pond?#like yes gerard is a flawed character but when you learn what happened to him can you really blame him?#ugh brian murphy you’ve done it again#idk it’s just like…yes rich people need to be humbled but gerard has been humbled his whole life#he learned his lesson and once he got complacent learned it again#and while I love Elody I do think it’s interesting to think about why she fell out of love with him#was it the complacency?#the materialism?#the supposed cowardice?#we saw why she fell IN love with him but why did she fall OUT of love with him?#I need answers
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thinking about how steve was homophobic and misogynistic in s1 but they gave him a chance to be faced with a demogorgon when people needed help and he stepped up. everyone lauds him for that, and he's become a fan favourite. yet when billy, finally in his right mind after being possessed the whole season, gets the opportunity and chooses to do the same--stepping up to take a killing blow for el--people dont offer him the same grace? why. :(
the biggest (reasonable) argument is always 'billy dying was not a redemption' and it's not, you're right. steve stepping in to whack a demogorgon with jonathan's nail bat wasnt a redemption either; his redemption came with him apologizing to them both, and then working to show nancy that he's a better person as they deal with the fallout of s1, and being gracious about jonathan's presence in nancy's life. he got the chance to show he's changed and managed to redeem himself because he lived, and billy unfortunately didnt. but you cant deny that his final moments proved that the potential for him to change is there, and that makes a difference.
#rei rambles#billy hargrove#steve harrington#stranger things#stranger things meta#kinda? i guess.#also: steve's homophobia and misogyny is a LOT less complicated than billy's racism#u can point to steve's bigotry as a sign of the times and his rich boy upbringing#billy's racism is mired in toxic family dynamics and probably a survival mindset#yes it's not EASY for steve to unlearn shit but that is certainly not as difficult as unlearning coping mechanisms#that probably served as methods of survival for billy as he grew up under his father's fists#unlearning toxic shit is already difficult when it's stuff society made you learn completely by accident through osmosis#which is what i assume is how steve picked up his homophobia and misogyny#imagine trying to unlearn stuff your dad probably beat you up for if you said you didnt believe it or thought was stupid#jeez#i am still absolutely convinced billy was added as a character bc they werent planning on making steve a good guy#so when they decided to do that last minute they had to refill the role#and then they added eddie bc billy became too controversial so they gave ed the metalhead stuff#and gave the racism and mean popular boy stuff to jason#and nixed all the sexualizing#which is another thing altogether. like why was billy the only character in this entire show that was so overtly sexualized?????? wild.#so weird.#i digress
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was talking to my best friend about frank castle and how i feel like i’ve never understood a character as much as i do frank and she just nonchalantly goes
“do you think that’s because you relate to him?”
and i was taken aBACK like bitch i did not need you to point that out to me but thank you for the absolute crisis this is going to cause me
#the fact that frank castle at his very core is a tragedy#and how he will never be able to love freely or openly again because of not only how he was betrayed but also who he was betrayed by#how every time we leave him in the mcu he is alone again#how he has learned to cope with his anger with more anger#of fucking course i relate to him!#he is walking around insisting he’s not lonely but we can all see clear as day that he desires to be SEEN#do you feel me???#frank castle not only deserves a hug but also NEEDS one#it’s a conflicting thing for me because he is so violent but i think beyond the physical aspect i am probably capable of great violence too#oh boy#frank castle#jon bernthal#the punisher#amhrosina
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Me trying to explain to my dad that being non verbal is not a choice
#hes like I've never seen you non verbal this long :/#meanwhile I'm trying to explain the various reasons why#when im non verbal i tend to isolate so i can calm down and recover faster (and it's annoying trying to communicate so i avoid ppl)#on top of that i usually shut down when i go non verbal#rn im still around people and working so I'm non verbal for longer#and its not exactly helpful when he's telling me shit like “you need to learn how to cope better because this won't fly in the real world”#I KNOW!!!!! I know and I am trying#he says this like i don't know and im not trying. it drives me nuts#hes usually pretty good about this sort of thing but at the end of the day he doesn't really Get It#vent post#non verbal
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