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Manic Relationships with Other Styles

Last week, we looked at Lee’s six styles of love and how mania differs from them. If you need a refresher on those styles, you can read the post here. Today, we are going to look at how a manic lover gets along with the other kinds of love styles.

Below is an image of what Sexplanations host, Dr. Lindsay Doe, outlined as strong, possible, difficult, or dangerous match-ups depending on the partners involved. We’re going to look at each of mania’s match-ups and try to reason why each relationship may or may not last in the long term.

Possible Relationships

  Mania x Mania: Double the obsession, double the love?

Two manic lovers together works because of the absolute devotion to each other. While not necessarily healthy, the pair can comfort each other, knowing that the other is experiencing similar feelings. The strength of the neediness will cause both members to constantly seek each other, and will sacrifice other obligations to do so, making it seem like Agape. However, it is the dependency that makes it manic. There is a fear of losing the other that is so powerful, that they may go into fits of rage and tears to keep them close. It is this mutual desire for closeness that helps this relationship function as well as it does.

So, it is possible for these two to make the relationship work, but not without a few problems along the way. The next few relationship pairings, however, will have a harder time getting along.

Difficult Relationships

  Mania x Eros: The fire that eventually burns out             

At first, this relationship will act much in the same way as two manics paired together. The Eros’ passion will satisfy the manic’s desire for closeness, and the two will adore each other for some time. However, it is common for the Eros love to calm over time, eventually settling usually into a mix of Agape and Storge. He or she will become less passionate, more relaxed, and act more like an intimate friend. The manic will resist this change, and might see the different attitude as a sign of infidelity. If not reassured, the trust in this relationship can break, and the two will have a falling out.

Mania x Storge: The parent and the child

Storge lovers care for the people close to them, but they also recognize their own responsibilities. They appreciate trust and caring within a partner, which is why this kind of pairing wouldn’t work too well. The manic lover would sacrifice many of the values that storge hold dear, like commitment to work and other relationships like friends and family. The manic’s selfishness and single-mindedness will not hold well in the storge’s eyes. He or she will see it as childish and unfriendly, and may decide it’s better for both of them to separate.

Mania x Agape: The unending misery

Though maybe not intentionally, the manic will constantly take advantage of the agape’s good nature. If the manic asks the agape to not leave the house today, the agape will comply, despite might wanting to run errands or visit friends. Because an agape’s love is unconditional, he/she will bear all of the clinginess as a sense of commitment. On the surface, this relationship will look functional due to the lack of discourse, but neither party truly benefits. The agape will continue to be walked over, and the manic’s behavior will be enabled and possibly never be able to grow into a more independent partner.

And while these matches draw concerns, they don’t compare to the following relationships, which would just cause trouble for everyone involved.

Dangerous Relationships

  Mania x Pragma: Little to offer

Whatever loyalty and devotion a manic lover can offer, it won’t be enough to offset the negatives that he/she carries with him/her. The pragmatic lover will quickly see that the clinginess, obsessiveness, and emotional turmoil are simply not worth investing time and other resources in, and will try to move on. However, manics are slow with moving on, and will try to win over and impress her target of devotion. The manic will do whatever it takes to prove being ‘worthy’, but the only thing what will come through is an undying neediness that will push the pragmatic further away.

Mania x Ludus: A fatal game

This strange mix of attitudes towards love- play polygamy and rigid monogamy- is so strange and unique that even Lee decided to comment on it when writing The Psychology of Love:

                “It is surprisingly common to find relationships in which one partner is manic, the other ludic. These two loves do have a fatal attraction for each other, and a manic-ludic match is bound to be interesting, if not happy. Manic love thrives on difficulties, and no one is more likely to create them than a ludic partner. In turn, the vanity of the ludic lover will get a certain satisfaction out of all the attention paid by a manic partner. This matching is the stuff of many novels and plays!” (Lee, 54)

Granted, while watching a relationship like this on screen may be entertaining for audiences, it certainly cannot be very enjoyable for real people. A real couple would likely drive each other mad, and on-looking relatives and close ones will be distraught at the two mismatched lovers. Mix paranoia, jealousy, and a lack of commitment together, and you have a relationship recipe of disaster.

(Fun fact: The Psychology of Love was published several years before Fatal Attraction, a film about a severely manic lover, was released in theatres).

Closing Thoughts: The Lack of a Strong Relationship

  As we can see, there is no strong relationship pairing that mania is involved in. This is because there are just too many negative aspects of jealousy, obsession, and similar traits, for it to be truly desirable in a mate. Not only is it unhealthy, but potentially dangerous. Even if two people are madly in love, responsibilities like friends, families, and jobs make being together at all times virtually impossible. This is why we see many manic lovers in fiction steal or kidnap their target from their everyday life. This may be because manic lovers are focused on the short term, the here and now. Even if the significant other proposes with marriage and is 100% devoted to making the relationship work, the manic will always feel uneasy and in constant need of reassurance. This neediness is tiring, and eventually, someone (read: the more stable of the two) is going to realize that it just isn’t worth it.

References

  The image above is from Dr. Lindsay Doe’s Sexplanation video of the six styles of love found here. Much of this material covers what John Lee discusses in The Psychology of Love, which I recommend for further reading.

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Mania, and the Six Styles of Love

Love is a curious thing, and we as humans have studied it since the ancient times. Cultures from all over the world have their own take on what is “true love”, and it means something different to everyone. To some, love is a warm feeling in the pit of your stomach. For others, it is a trust and bond that only a select few are privilege to.

There are even some who’d say they would die or kill for love. We’re here to talk about those people.

While there have been many concepts of love throughout history, today I’d like us to focus on a more modern theory, developed by Canadian Sociologist John Alan Lee in the 1970s. It is an ideology of love that recognizes love as different styles. These styles differ quite radically, but rather than one being superior to another, he attributed these styles to resemble colors. There is no right style of love, just as to say there is no right color. However, there are colors that you may prefer more than others, and Lee argued that love can be seen in the same way. Some people like a calm blue, others a more passionate red.

Among the love styles that Lee defined is mania, an intense, emotional love. Here at Manic Loveless, we will be studying manic love, unraveling its history and its use in fiction. Before we get to that, however, we must take a quick look at the other styles first. After all, one cannot create violet without red and blue.  So let’s take a look now at the three primary love styles.

  The Three Primary Styles of Love

Eros (RED): The passionate, erotic love. A sexual and physical desire for one another. It is a love that knows what it wants, is romantic, and very intimate.

Common thoughts from an Eros lover:

We were made for each other. I couldn’t imagine life without her.

Seeing my beloved after work makes me want to run into his arms.

Ludus (BLUE): Flirtatious, uncommitted love-play.  They see love as something to experience with as many people as possible.  Being devoted to one relationship is not their thing.

Common thoughts from a Ludus lover:

I get bored when guys talk about getting serious and moving in together.

It doesn’t matter who I was with yesterday. I’m with you right now.

Storge (YELLOW): A calm, unromantic friendship. It is a mutual trust and respect for one another. They care for their lover and enjoy spending time together.

Common thoughts from a Storge lover:

My roommate and I do all of these activities together and I really enjoy spending time with him.

It’s great that I can trust my sister with my troubles. She’s someone I can really depend on when things get tough.

Just like colors, when you mix different love styles together, you lose a few of the old attributes to make way for new ones. The following are secondary love styles, which are made up of the primary styles but have unique characteristics of their own.

The Three Secondary Styles of Love

Pragma (GREEN): Practical, logical love. The lovers actively look for people who are compatible and have similar goals, interest, and equity (security, money, offspring, etc.).

Common thoughts from a pragma lover:

Looking at the poor neighborhood she grew up in, I decided she isn’t for me.

My fiancé and I both make similar wages and work within the same company, so it made sense for us to start a relationship.

Agape (ORANGE): Selfless, sacrificing love. The lover enjoys giving their all with nothing to expect in return. They will unquestionably put aside their own interests for their lover’s happiness.

Common thoughts from an Agape lover:

I gave up my original career plans so I can find a job that pays better to make my spouse happy.

I’d rather suffer through activities I don’t like than make my husband go to places I like.

And lastly…

Mania (VIOLET): Possessive, obsessive, and intense. It is an emotional love filled with highs and lows, fear of rejection, and absolute dependence on the lover.

Common thoughts from a Mania lover:

If he left me, I think I would kill myself.

I don’t want my girlfriend to ever leave the house, in fear that she might find someone better than me.

Manic love is a popular trope that we often associate with crazy exes who can never let go, or stalkers who know everything about you. They may even make secret shrines in their closet dedicated to you.

What Lee says on Manic Love

Lee calls manic love the kind of love that “strikes the lover like a bolt from the Gods”, or what Plato and the Greeks called, theia mania, “the madness from the Gods”. It is meeting someone for the first time and instantly falling in love, despite knowing very little about the beloved. This means that mania mainly afflicts younger people experiencing love for the first time, though there are cases of mania appearing in middle age as well.

Note that mania is different from the romantic eros, which is intimate, and knows what does and does not attract it. Mania, on the other hand, can cause one to fall in love with almost anyone. Where eros shows an outward passion and intensity, manic lovers become mentally preoccupied and obsessed. Almost immediately, they start planning a fictional wedding and future together, even if they haven’t been formally introduced!

Typical Profile of a Manic Lover

Unhappy childhood

Lonely in adult life, and dissatisfied at work

Strong need to “be in love”, but also afraid of difficult and painful relationships

Uncertain what types of people attract them

Often look for qualities in a partner that actually doesn’t attract them at all

Often find themselves partnered with someone they don’t even like

Attempts to see their partner every day, and is easily upset by delays

Goes to extremes to prove their love

Alternates between large demonstrations of love and drawing back

Often demands that partner shows more affection and commitment

Rarely finds sex with beloved satisfying or reassuring

It is always the partner that ends the relationship, and the manic lover will take a long time to get over it

Closing thoughts

Of all the love styles, mania may be the most interesting. It is as tragic as agape, but more passionate.  It is as loving as eros, but lacking in its self-confidence. Mania is an unhealthy love that plays for keeps, and consumes everyone involved in its destructiveness: friends, family, and of course the beloved. Without proper care and therapy, it is possible one may never move on to safer styles of relationships. However, there is hope. Lee believed an individual could recover as long as the experiences that brought on the manic behavior were identified and changed. As well, many people who first experience this type of love may evolve and mature to more healthier means of showing affection on their own. So a fatal attraction does not necessarily have to mean a fatal end!

Please join us over the many weeks to come, as we move forward and delve deeper into the heart of manic love and discuss its use in movies, books, and everything in between.

References and more information

Most of the information here has been drawn from Chapter 3 of The Psychology of Love, a compilation of many other love theories.  You can also read in more detail of Lee’s theory on love styles in his book, The Colors of Love. You can find a Sexplanation video on the six styles of love here, as well as a video on the topic of mania here.