#you can kinda use it outside of work but you have to report it to the company every time

[girlivealwaysbean]

real

[i-am-simply-here]

My boss is mad at me bc I'm refusing to become a notary 😩 I knew he'd take at as me saying a simply didn't want to no matter my reasoning but its frustrating that he won't listen when I say its honestly a waste of my already little amount of energy

[changeling-droneco]

Hi I'm that person who made the original post about "no doesn mean no" when a small bit of the mr beast company document was leaked, well, now we have the full document (thanks rosanna) so I'm going to go over it. Please note I am not a lawyer or a business man, I'm in college for psychology, so I might misunderstand some things or make the wrong conclusion. However, if this is a document made for the average mr. beast employee, if I cannot understand it properly, then im sure some employees also struggled

First of all, the opening paragraph. Like I get it's supposed to be like, to put people at ease, but

This is so strange? Like, first of all, this is your EMPLOYEE MANUAL, you should have run it through like, a spell check? Or had someone edit it? This is already incredibly unprofessional. Also the promising of a thousand dollars if you pass a quiz on it? It's bizarre and I'd love to see if it's an actual quiz.

Jimmy, hun, please god get an editor for this you're already trying my patience.

YOU SHOULD, you genuinely should, while interconnected these are all COMPLETELY different jobs, if you think you could write a separate manual for each branch you SHOULD

I'm sure I'm about to get an answer but what the fuck is the best YOUTUBE video then? If it's not comedy, its not production, its not quality, its not look, then what the hell is left? (monetization, it's monetization)

First of all, Jimmy, why are you using internet lingo in this, it's not a text message, this is not a place for, idc, and lol, and not capitalizing your headers correctly??? Also like I said, he's chasing trends for monetization, and also he's just wrong, there are plenty of hollywood level shows and the like on youtube. You fully admit you do not care about trends and actively rush things?

This is just fucked??? Like of COURSE IT MATTERS??? Results based company is bullshit, your employees that worked for five weeks and failed aren't "lesser" then James, it's a structural failure! They still worked for HOURS to try and succeed?? That shows merit and loyalty??? What the fuck???

Rosanna covers this one in her video but it's worth restating that this is FUCKED??? It's clear overwork "your job is your family" culture. Especially the use of the word obsessive? If you do not OBSESS over your work, you are considered poisonous. NO WONDER we have so many reports of employees doing things they feel is dangerous or unsafe, if they don't they're considered POISON to the company.

The formatting in this doc continues to fucking kill me, what are you DOING man GET AN EDITOR

This feels like such an easy fix of just...make the thumbnail after the fact? Or only make a rough draft of one first? Like if production makes a red bouncy castle instead of a yellow one, that feels like an easy fix to the thumbnail OR a communication error, and again, that's on management

A lot of the next stuff is like analytics stuff that for the most part I can't really speak on as someone who does not do any of this stuff. There are a few things though

Which like???? what??? a lull??? what do you mean "watching a video without even realizing they are watching a video??" That doesn't scream good or even mediocre content to me. If I'm actively tuning out as I watch a video, that's bad. Especially because there have been plenty of times I've been like half way through a video i go "hey this sucks actually" and click off. They actively want their audience to not be paying attention to the video so it runs all the way through, that's kinda pathetic.

I don't actually know if this is common or not in this industry, but as an outsider this seems INCREDIBLY micromanaging to me, to an immense degree.

Jimmy why are you putting swears in your employee manual?? sir??? and also something about this whole thing icks me out, I don't quite have the words but the whole emphasis on "im different im special no one else can be me" just reeks of something kind of manipulative

Why is production changing so much Jimmy??? Infinite growth is the mindset of a cancer cell Jimmy! This is incredibly unstable working conditions! Also again with the word obsession, if you take time out of your own day on your own time to watch hulu, that's seen as not being obsessed enough for the company. This is nonsensical!

Again, this is INSANELY micromanaging, and also so fucking unhinged??? "God himself couldn't stop you from making this video on time" is NOT a healthy work mindset, things HAPPEN!!!

In this segment he's actually talking normal things but I did just want to highlight his use of "freaken" who the hell puts that in an EMPLOYEE MANUEL

Again with the micromanaging, and the immense pressure on employees for problems OTHER people do. While he's not fully wrong that you should be in more contact with the contractor then the example, this is too much in the other direction. How much time in the day does he think people have?!

My kingdom for a fucking paragraph break dude, my fucking eyes. Also this is a lot of "im so great and do everything and you should do more for me and if i dont know something that's your fault" for something titled "I am not always right"

I'm getting lazy with my highlighting, but again, the micromanaging? If you're SOOO busy, the first question should be the ideal? it's quick and makes a quick decision, while the second one meanders and meanders

Again, Jimmy is pushing blame for HIS mistakes on OTHER PEOPLE. For again, a section called "i am not always right" hes taking NO accountability for that and just making the SAME excuses he's berating in other places.

I can't even tell what he means here AN EDITOR JIMMY

Autism Hell tm, PLEASE email me so I can DOUBLE CHECK IT, things in writing are SO useful

Again the language towards "C-Players" which as mr beast has said, are the people who y'know, are NORMAL employees who DON'T live and breathe this company

Okay first of all, a Lamborghini is like 300k so that's already A REALLY hard task, and i sure hope don't usually put typos in the tasks. SECOND of all the fact he thinks its okay to go "hey if the studio is literally on fire around you and you stop working to get the Lamborghini, you're not doing good enough" even if he claims it as a joke is NOT OKAY what the FUCK

We've covered this before, but to reiterate this segment is named after a sexual assault reference when it could have been named ANYTHING ELSE and harasses employees and pressures them to break rules, don't do that.

I'm not an editor, so maybe this is normal, but as someone from the outside it seems strange to put this much emphasis on dividing focus between so many videos at once.

Jimmy, hun, are you paying extra for this? Because if I'm an editor and you want me FILMING stuff then i want to be paid more for doing TWO jobs and I probably still wont be as skilled a TRAINED CAMERA MAN

First of all now THAT'S a type, consteatants. Also the fact they are aware that leaving contestants out in the sun is bad, why are you not doing MORE TO STOP IT BEYOND "hey maybe giving them three hours of heatstroke is bad, try only two next time"

Don't we love favoritism, more shitty unprofessional writings, and a completely unstable work environment?

If your people have to pull all nighters period something is wrong, and if something happens to an employees car that could have seriously hurt someone, i sure hope you care more then just "LOL FUNNY" Who's picking up the broken glass? Who's reimbursing the car owner? That one meme of "your first care should be commitment to the bit" is a MEME jimmy, it's not ACTUAL ADVICE

Ah shit I hit image limit, well, you've seen enough screenshots to know these are screenshots, we're almost done I'll put them in as quotes

"Let’s say you are tasked with finding us a castle to live in for 50 hours and while doing research you find a castle and a number to call for the owner. So you do call, and he answers. Only problem is he says he quit the castle renting business to pursue his dream of building a 100 foot tall lego catapult. You can obviously tell where i’m going with this. Ideally you’d recognize that’s badass as fuck and try to convince him to let us use it when we do find a castle. This is a bad example because it’s so obvious but if you’re doing your job right you will be doing an absurd amounts of calls and data collecting. While trying to complete your prios and prepare for the video you should always be on the lookout for new things you can bring to your creative team to inspire them. Because just like me, they don’t know what they don’t know and you can’t just say “i’m in production and i’m not very creative” because that’s literally the equivalent of saying I suck at what I do. You also need to apply this same mindset when problem solving because many people lose sight of this stuff when in the weeds. If a problem appears, always always always ask yourself if your new plan is whats best for creative, not just the easiest bandaid."

First of all it's really funny seeing all the red lines pop up, second of all this insistent blurring of everyone's job seems so strange? Again maybe this is normal, but it really feels like Jimmy wants everyone working every job, instead on focusing on what they are actually hired to do.

"What is the goal of our content?

To excite me. The goal of our content is to excite me. That may sound weird to some of you, especially if you’re new but to me it’s what’s most important. If I'm not excited to get in front of that camera and film the video, it’s just simply not going to happen."

That's fucking weirddddd, like I get that he's trying to be like "im authentic" but it always feels like a bad sign when the goal of a company is literally just "What amuses the boss" like...bad sign

"this is youtube and there are constraints. You know the video can’t be a minute so you’re obviously going to need a story to hold the viewers and there are rules to storytelling. Our audience is massive and because of that you have to be simple, for 50 million people to understand something it must be simple. Content can be anything but there is structure and rules that we must mold it into that I want to teach you about, because virality doesn’t just happen. Every frame of our videos will be seen by 10s of millions of people"

Gross

"I'd say the average MrBeast viewer is a teenage memer that likes video games."

Mr Beast is completely aware of his demographic and puts screen shots of it, he is very aware his stuff is aimed at kids, even when its about gambling or hiring people not around near minors

"I feel silly for having to write this but all the time I talk to 32 new people that have at most seen like 5 or 6 of our videos and it’s mind blowing that they don’t see a problem with that lol."

It's almost like your audience is teenage memer and that people who working here are not in fact, teenage memers.

"What you consume on social media, when you watch youtube, tv, the games you play, etc. are what I like to call your information diet.

How do you stay up to date on the latest memes? How do you know what’s going on with celebrities? What’s trending on youtube? What other creators are doing? What’s popping on tik tok? Your information diet. Consume things on a daily basis that help you write better content."

If my job as a creative writer had my boss tell me to have to see whats "popping on tik tok" as part of my job i'd quit also again, the micromanaging of someone's life as well pops up again, it's weirddd

"It’s okay for the boys to be childish

If talent wants to draw a dick on the white board in the video or do something stupid, let them. (assuming they know all the risks and arn’t missing context on why it’s not safe) People like when we are in our natural element of stupidity. Really do everything you can to empower the boys when filming and help them make content. Help them be idiots"

More favoritism

"If you’ve made it this far you are probably at least semi interested in this being your career. So I wanted to chat about it. Because if you're ambitious and want to dedicate your life to work, you picked the best company in America to do it at. I really don’t care to hoard a bunch of money and I deeply believe in rewarding the people that help this business get where it needs to be. But before I get into that, let’s talk about the future. As I write this we have 2 teams, that will grow to 4 in the next year. (and possibly 8 in the next 2 years but I can’t talk about that cause james will kill me haha). We need more leaders in the company. Weneed hard working, obsessive, coachable, intelligent, grinders that can step up and take some of these leadership spots over the next 2 years. Every single department has an opportunity for you to grow in and you’re in luck because we don’t do yearly reviews. We do whenever the fuck you want reviewes"

Lack of communication from management, and more emphasis on grinding and crunch culture, goodie, all while riddled with typos! God.

"I see a world where this company is worth billions and one day 10s of billions. And those of you that help build this will be rewarded. I want nothing more then for you to go all in, obsessive all day everyday, and become so god dam valuable this company can’t operate without you. And in return for becoming so valuable I hope to give you incredible experiences, a fun place to work, and of course, more money then you could ever dream of making at any other company."

I feel like I'm reading a fucking pyramid scheme document here, "youre so so valuable spend literally every minute of every day on this company haha" good GOD man

[evilminji]

You think the Zone has its version of Comic Con?

Like? Think about it. You have literally all of time to work on it, your Magnum Opus, your life's work. That DREAM comic. All the supplies you could ever wish for. Endless paper. Endless ink. You can practice and practice for CENTURIES until it's JUST right.

Wouldn't you want to share it?

There are definitely Ghosts who have Obsessions that make them collect.

And two people meeting would lead to a group. Lead to a bigger group. Lead to a large group. A gathering. A crowd even. Eventually you need a Lair to meet IN. It becomes An Event.

People hear about it.

Want to bring other art mediums. Food stalls. Report on it. It grows. Shoot offs start happening. Niche meet ups.

But like?

Unlike comic con? It's all FREE. Sure, you might have fork over the ecto to make your copy. And yeah, weaker ghosts can only do that so many times. Will have to prioritize. But? They can come back after leaving for a nap. Ask a buddy to come with. There ARE work arounds.

Just? Imagine the unbelievable HIPE? Danny would feel? But be unable to TELL anyone about? Zone Con happens several times a year! Cause so many people wanna come. The Zone being infinite, after all.

Problem 1? They're using THEIR standard of a "year". Which is actual 5 earth years. So it's only happens every year and a half for him. And Problem 2? He can't even TALK about how excited he is about Z Con with anyone (outside his friends and family) because they haven't heard of it and might Ask Questions.

It's ALSO held in a part of the Zone that's like? Three days of flying away from the portal. And no amount of begging is gonna get any of his loved ones to camp in the Speeder for around six-ish days just to go to a Con.

So you can imagine his DELIGHT. His utter JOY and *Target Spotted* "!!!" Noise, when? In the crowd? He spots A HUMAN! Hi fellow human!!! Omg, wanna be Con Besties? *doesn't even wait for an answer*

So now? This sad, blonde, deeply lost and kinda alarmed, trench coat dude? Is Danny's new Z Con Going Bestie! You got a map yet, bestie? No? That's cool, he has one. By the way, he has human food in the Speeder if you nee-

YES!

Cause, see, here's the THING. John? Lost to the Realms Infinte. Or Infinte Realms. Translation was iffy... and on fire... like the rest of the building. It was him or the kids those psychos had kidnapped, for what fucked "ritual" the voices in their heads, that THEY thought were demons but frankly he's pretty sure was just feedback from-

Look, doesn't matter, he had to choose. He always knew someday he'd have too. That even twisting Luck and talking fast wouldn't quite be enough. And he had to decide, in that moment, which outcome mattered more to him. They get out safe, or he does.

Wasn't much of a question, was it?

So, there he is. Staring down oblivion and all those debts unpaid. 'Bout to see who's gonna come for him this time, and take what left of wretched soul. When? He bleeds on the FUCKIN two-bit crap circle they squiggled in God only knows what. Remembers that "oh YEAH, set dressings!" Sometimes when you focus too hard on insuring a Good Outcome?

You weird weird as shit byproducts happening on the side to balance it all out.

Or BAD ones.

He wakes up someone fucking green and crowded. For the life of him can't tell you which one it is. And THAT was of course, bout two days ago.

Biggest and most immediate problem? He... does NOT recognize what flavor of magical fuckery this is. Doesn't seem Fae. And doesn't smell like Hell. There are... there are honest to God BOOTH BABES hanging around. Hunks too. The view is LOVELY.

And nerdy.

Very, very nerdy.

But he isn't THAT out of touch. So he should recognize SOMETHING. Or at least the languages. But nope! It's like aliens and magic had a nerd baby and dipped it in GREEN. And the worst thing? Is there is food everywhere, but it all glows and John's not stupid enough to eat it.

Then? Sweet merciful fuck. Salvation! Some teeny bopper Barely No Longer Teen fresh faced INFANT of a Hero kid. With a SHIP. Who has FOOD and a clear idea of where they are. Hello~ John's new BEST FRIEND. Yes. Absolutely. Con Buddies, whatever.

Just feed me, kid.

Only? Once he inhales like 5 "Fenton rations"? He only gets half way through introducing himself before getting interrupted. Kid hears "magic" and "occult Detective" and just? Goes "oh! So you wanna check out the magic Ally with me? Sam wanted me to pick up some witchy stuff!"

..............how magic?

(In Which? Constantine becomes Danny's interdimensional Con buddy)

@the-witchhunter @hypewinter @hdgnj @mutable-manifestation @lolottes @nerdpoe

[obsessedhoneycomb]

Heating pads

Max Verstappen x fem!reader

Summary: Your good time in Portimao being interrupted by your endo flare up again.

Warnings: endometriosis, cramps, love and care, infertility and baby talk

A/N: Wrote this last night and I poured into it some of my personal experience with endo, more this time. Surgery worked a little for me, it gave me a three months without cramps. Every body is different, every treatment works differently for us. But we’re in this together, endo sisters!

For @amberjazmyn 🧡

Don’t use my writings without my permission! Pictures found on Pinterest.

———

The weather at Portimao circuit wasn’t so pleasant as it was nearing the end of the year. F1 season was long gone and Max was able to finally avert his attention to his other hobbies (not gonna mention it’s still racing, but for his kinda own team).

Meeting with all the people around Verstappen.com Racing was a great one, especially with Thierry Vermeulen, because he was so funny, but humble at the same time.

You were always amazed how Max was so good at handling his many duties and hobbies at the same time. He was a great mentor, passing his legacy and wisdom and you watched how his temper calmed down a little through the years.

It wasn’t long ago when you moved to his apartment at Monaco, making your relationship more official after three years of being there and nowhere, between your job and his races. One day you decided enough is enough and you didn’t want to face your life alone anymore. That stirred some rumours through his fan base and also your parents weren’t able to hold back in their questions about you two starting a family. Truth was that you and Max weren’t exactly against having children, but the main problem was your endometriosis. Severe pain episodes, ending in ER may times, being neglected by doctors, saying it’s only in your head and that you need to sleep it off. You thought, for so many years, that you’re just insane, but after Max got through one of your endo flare ups with you, he got you through many doctor appointments, to the best specialists in the field, where you finally heard your diagnosis.

The surgery date was set after the new year’s, when Max would be still around to help you get back on your feet and mend your wounds with his love and care. But to that date your body just decided that you need to suffer.

You stood in the garage, watching how Max talked with the engineers and Thierry about some issues, his yapping always getting more and more interesting, when you felt a cramp in your lower back. It wasn’t unusual, you always had similar, and you brushed it off as some kind of back pain, most likely from standing for too long.

Watching Max racing at the empty track was always fun, he gave it his all, enjoying his time and it made you genuinely smile. But now you were pale, your forehead getting a little sweaty, same as your whole body. Feeling the need to sit down, you understood immediately, when the pain shot through your abdomen, pooling at your right side, that stretching burning sensation ghosting to your lower back. Trying to play it cool, you swallowed hard, smiling at everybody around.

About two hours later, Max was done with the testing, leaving the car to Thierry and he went to look through some performance reports, when he spotted you sitting at the bench, having that weird expression on your face like you were trying so hard to hide something, but failing miserably.

“Hey, love.. are you okay?”

His hand went to your cheek and you quickly shot him a look full of pain. He knew that look, seeing it more frequently in past weeks.

“Come here.” Without further words, he grabbed your hand and led you through the corridors to your car outside, where you had your things. Sitting you in the backseat, he quickly went to the trunk, rummaging through his bag, coming back after a while with some packages.

“Max, it’s okay, I can manage it.” You tried to protest but he dismissed you.

“Let me take care of you, I’m prepared.” Sitting beside you at the backseat, he opened both packages, shaking the contents a little with an approving hum. Heating pads. Your eyes went wide with surprise, but then your face softened, your eyes nearly welled with tears.

Warming his hands with the pads a little, he carefully lifted up your hoodie along with your top, to get to your bare abdomen, placing one pad under the waistband of your pants and the other at your lower back. You were always taken aback, how he remembered the location of your pains, where it hurts the most. After he was sure he placed pads securely, he pulled down your top and hoodie.

“Does it feel good?” Cupping your cheek, he had a concern written all over his face and you just nodded. With soft hum, he wrapped his hands around you, getting you closer to his chest, holding you tight against him, making sure you’re comfortable.

“Thank you, Maxie..” your sweet murmur made him smile, your hands hugging his warm and huge body like a teddy bear, the heating pads bringing you comfort you needed.

“Anything for you, my love.. I would go to the end of the world if it meant for you to be in less pain.” Max kissed your temple softly, letting out a soft sigh.

“You’ve done so much for me in this case, I don’t know how I deserved this.”

“You deserve the world, darling. And those pains.. I would do anything to take it on myself instead of you. I hate to see you contorted by it. Packing those heating pads it’s less than I can do for you, to make it easier.”

“You really changed my life, Max.”

“Oh, baby. You changed mine. A lot. I wasn’t this happy like I am beside you. I never forget that moment you smiled at me at that coffee shop in London, because you absolutely stole my breath.”

You chuckled softly, but the slight shot of pain made you wince a little.

“Can you please rub my back a little? It helps also..”

Max just nodded, sneaking his hand under your top, his warm hand rubbing the heat into your skin slowly and gently, making you relax more.

“You know, when we bought this car back then, I thought that it will be different action we’ll be doing on the backseat..” his voice was laced with teasing, trying to make you smile.

“Well.. I thought so too, but I can’t even imagine doing it right now.”

“No, love, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re in discomfort and never in the right mind I would try to make a move on you like this.”

Max liked being intimate with you, your chemistry being something undeniable when you two got to bed, but he respected you and your body. He would rather not have sex with you for weeks than to cause you pain.

“I know, I know, sorry. But we can try after I’m healed from surgery. And there can be a little miracle after. Like we talked many times before. Little Verstappen tapping around.”

It was true happy smile he saw on your face in a while. His heart skipped a beat at the idea of having a baby with you.

“Sure, whatever makes you happy, love. And whatever doesn’t cause you pain.”

His soft lips kissing your nose in the most lovely way was something only you could see. To the world he was that unbeatable lion on the track, dominating champion. But with you he was a caring, loving boyfriend, who would die for you in every way possible.

[mochinomnoms]

i understand the simping for the fashion dilf believe me i do

but i come offering other non simping thoughts for now

i can imagine yuu just casually braking into other dorms to sleep when it rains bc their dorm is still…extremely broken (because the BIRD MAN WONT FIX IT)

so their friends (and possibly lovers depending upon your preference) just wake up the next morning to see yuu on on couch in their common area with grim sleeping on them

-🐝

I love this alot but especially if it's a case that no one can figure out how the hell you're getting into their dorms. Even though they're easily accessible through the mirrors, the dorms are probably locked from the outside for safety reasons.

At my dorms and for most of the buildings, they were open during the day and at night they would only be accessible though student id/key cards. I think the students at NRC maybe could use their wands as their key cards, but you don't have a wand, just Grim with his stone. And people forget that Grim, even though he's just a lil ceacher....is still technically a student that can get into buildings lol.

Heartslabyul is the main victim of your sudden appearances, which makes Riddle a bit conflicted, as he understands Ramshackle is desolate, and the roof might cave in on you while sleeping... But there are RULES, and you're not supposed to leave your dorm after a certain time, AND you need permission from your housewarden to sleep in another dorm. But technically you're your own housewarden...and you did come into his dorm right before the deadline (Idia can pull up the timestamped camera footage to prove it if you ask). Ace and Cater get a kick out of seeing you in the lounge and may or may not have the urge to draw silly things on your face in marker. Trey and Deuce feel a bit bad since you are using the couch pillows to cover yourself, so they start leaving throw blankets for you to use. Riddle will get over it, eventually, and will start involving you in the dorm's morning routine and chores if you're there often enough.

The next most common is Scarabia, mostly because their lounge is super luxurious and Kalim doesn't care that you sneak in. In fact, he starts anticipating it (he can be perceptive if he really pays attention) and will sit in the lounge waiting for your arrival for an impromptu sleep over! It only becomes a problem when Jamil wakes up and goes to get Kalim up for the day only to realize that he's gone and oh god where is Kalim did he get kidnapped oh shit Jamil is gonna get murdered by Kalim and his own—WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING IN THE LOUNGE—PREFECT????? You promptly get banned for a few weeks before the cycle continues again.

For the next dorms, it's a tie between Savanaclaw and Diasomnia. Mostly because they're not as comfortable, like yeah Savanaclaw has a pool in the lounge and Diasomnia is a cool gothic castle but...they're not comfy to sleep in. Scarabia gets hot, but at least the lounge is comfy, Savanaclaw doesn't have loads of cushions, pillows, and blankets. Leona doesn't care much though, and he had you over once before, so as long as you don't disrupt his sleep again, do what you want. And Diasomina, while you'd be welcomed with open arms by Malleus, is kinda creepy...especially in the lounge....and you've woken up with Malleus or Lilia hovering over you, unblinking, staring until you wake up. They just want to greet you good morning! It's...sweet...but unnerving. But if you can't go to Heartslabyul, and you've been banned by Jamil from Scarabia for a while, then it's a toss of a coin between those two.

Your last options, in order, are Octavinelle, Pomefiore, and Ignihyde. Octavinelle, well they have a very lovely lounge with lovely ambience and quite comfortable couches! But, last time you got found by one of the students, you got reported to Azul who promptly made you work in exchange for sleeping in the dorm without reserving a room. Yeah, you forgot that Azul has rooms available to rent out, you can't get around that by sleeping in the lounge, work off your debt! It becomes a game almost, to see if they can find you before you sneak out of the dorm. You've been unsuccessful, as Jade and Floyd has an uncanny ability to find you no matter where you are. Once, as a joke and in retaliation, you managed to sneak into Azul's office and sleep on his couches. You'd planned to wake up and sit in his chair so that you could turn around with Grim in your lap like a James Bond villain (Grim asked what a James Bond was), but you ended up passing out for a solid 10 hours from how comfortable you were. You woke up to your head in Jade's lap, petting you like a cat, and legs over Floyd's lap, as Azul worked on paperwork. When you woke up, very confused and groggy, he asked how you would like to split your ten owed hours of shifts.

Pomefiore, while lovely, is not your favorite choice. Mostly because you don't want to deal with Vil. He's actually the most concerned out of everyone that you've resorted to sleeping in lounges, it's not good for your health. And as we all know, he is very concerned with his dorm members maintaining a good health and general wellness. So the moment he hears that you are sleeping around in the lounges, he waits, even puts Rook on watch for you. The moment you pass out in his lounge? He's snatching you and nearly motherhenning you. He's pushing you to sleep in one of the dorms, most likely Epel's room, since you're familiar with each other. And now, you've also been tied in with the same routine and rules as Epel. You appreciate the concern, but you don't know how to tell Vil that you kinda like the fun of running around between dorms and freaking people out. He probably wouldn't be amused, so you manage to escape his grasp and stay at Ramshackle for a while to let him cool down (he's a bit offended that you wanted to escape, so now he's biding his time and waiting for you to eventually crawl back when the other dorms are occupied.)

Ignihyde is last because, quite frankly, that bish look cold! And uncomfortable! And a lot creepier than Diasomnia!!! And also, Idia and Ortho have that dorm covered in camera and security measures, so you're not getting in. Sorry I don't make the rules, Idia just really doesn't want to deal with you in the lounge, especially when he runs out for midnight munchies and has to hold back his scream when he sees a random person in his dorm and oh no it's just you. Prefect, what the fuck?

[stychu-stych]

I know that by definition we will probably never get anything out of the "not meant for social media" narilamb pile, but that doesn't mean Im not deadly curious about it, like I want to know so bad it makes me look stupid

Plus I'll forever wander how bad it is. Is it just too embarrassing to share? Is it 'mildly bad and insane, but not enough to not have at least 10 to 20 different fics on AO3 with those same hcs' bad? Is it 'so bad that you CAN'T find it on AO3 of all places' bad? Secret kink you don't want to share with the internet (very valid tbh)? Secret third (technically fifth) thing??? I want to knooooow /hj /sillygoofy

Dhdhdhhd that post is kinda old, I put it on my tumblr when I was more afraid of posting things on the internet. Especially when a lot of people started to follow me in a very short period of time. Everytime I posted something more gore-ish or suggestive I've got reported and sometimes my posts were deleted (mostly on tiktok and instagram). I still don't know if that was just one person doing that or bunch of them, or I was some algorithm lottery winner djdbhdh Maybe people expected something different looking at my artstyle (I know it can be described as "cute") and they were mad when I started posting something else? Idk idc really but it was pain in the ass

I also heard a couple of times from not anonymous people that if I create something about toxic relationships (arts, headcanons etc.) that means I support this kind of behavior. Or "romanticize" is a better word. Some of them changed their mind and apologized so we're good now but still I've received so many of comments like this that I started to carefully select what I want to put on the internet and what I want to put into the closet

But it's better now, I'm not that scared of social media like I used to be, I'm also on therapy and it's going great (not only but mostly because of my growing visibility on social media that was scary for me at that time. Never really talked about that with anyone outside my close friends, this is the first time I'm talking about it publicly. Also don't worry, I'm getting better now 💖)

My headcanons are mostly about narilamb relationship that is super toxic, I'm just really into psychology, emotions and why people behave in some certain way. About hurting each other, being jealous, manipulating and controlling. I just like to analyze why brain can work like that and what has to happen for someone to make them act like that. And I like to put all of that in fictional characters

So yeah, now I think that my headcanons aren't that bad, people are just assholes jdbdhdh I'll probably post more about my Narilamb relationship, I just need to find some straight to write it *sob* And I'm not the strongest soldier if we talk about writing, especially in english sjdhdh but I'll try my best 💪

[moody-alcoholic]

Chapter 4 - The Stalker

Summary: 5.2k words. 141 learn about your stalker situation and Simon makes a plan to help, but things escalate faster then expected and you end up having to come to terms with things a lot quicker then you expect.

CW: mentions of trauma, mental health, abusive ex, stalking, talking about physical abuse, alcohol, angst, hurt/comfort (kinda).

Previous - masterlist - Next

AO3

Enjoy <3

“Let’s debrief, then maybe you will get some answers.” John says standing up straight. 

“How did the Renfolds job go?” He asks looking over at Simon. 

“Easy, needed his weapon cleaning. Built a shooting range in his basement.” Simon explains. 

“Anything we should be concerned about?” John asks. 

“Don’t think so, seems like it’s just for personal use.” Simon says. John looks down at you. 

“What do you think?” You look up at John confused. He want’s your opinion? 

“I-I don’t know, I was a bit distracted by the guns, and the shooting range.” And how good Simon looked. John nods looking over at Johnny. 

“What happened with you?” He asks. 

“Well it was all going according to plan until the supposedly empty building was no longer empty.” Johnny explained smiling.

“You were only supposed to be gathering intel how did it end in a gunfight?” John asked. 

“They didn’t take kindly to me snooping around their stuff.” Johnny says shrugging. “You should have sent Ghost in.” 

“I needed you to confirm the cargo. I gave Ghost the Renfolds job so he’d be near by.” John explained. Johnny nodded. 

“Well they’ve got enough explosives in that place to blow London to pieces.” 

“Is it secure?” John asks.

“About as secure as it can be, I found shipping manifests, I assume they’re planning on moving it when they get the chance.” Johnny explains.

“Hang on a second.” You interrupt. “You had a gunfight in a building with enough explosives to blow up London?” Simon chuckles behind you. 

“Johnny’s being dramatic. But yes unfortunately we weren’t left with much of a choice.” John says. He looks over at Johnny and Gaz for a second. 

“Johnny, and Gaz go back tomorrow secure the place then hand it over to the Met. The quicker we can get everything destroyed the better.” John says as you watch Johnny and Kyle nod. 

“The Met? As in New Scotland Yard as in the metropolitan police?” You ask. John nods. 

“It’s expensive for the Met to plan a sting, collect the legal evidence, wait for warrants. When we can just sneak in and get all the evidence they need and maybe even shut it down for them. We’re cheaper too.” John explains.

“So you work for the Met?” You ask. You hear Simon laugh again. 

“No, we don’t work for anyone, but sometimes they ask for our help and we’re usually more then happy to oblige.” 

“Besides means they turn a blind eye when we make people disappear.” Johnny laughs winking at you. You can’t tell if he’s being serious or not. There’s a few seconds of silence before everyone turns to you. 

“You said you were recommended us, why?” John asks. You suddenly feel nervous, you start rubbing your hands together. They’ve cleared up somethings now it’s your turn. 

“I have an ex.” You say looking down at the floor. Great start. 

“We broke up about a month ago, it was messy. I don’t think he’s quite over it yet.” You remember the break up. It was messy, in multiple ways. Lot’s of shouting, screaming, the police being called. You hoped it would be the last time you’d ever have to explain away bruises. You locked him out your flat and he sat outside the door begging to be let back in. How sorry he was, eventually you caved letting him fearing your neighbours would report you to the police for noise disturbance. It was the worst decision you made.

You feel a hand on your shoulder pulling you out of you head. You look up Johnny has moved closer to you. It’s Simon’s hand on your shoulder, you almost can’t believe it, he gives you a gentle squeeze. You thought he hated you. Or at the very least was annoyed by your presence. Maybe you misjudged him. 

“Is he stalking you lass?” Johnny asks. You don’t know what to say, you don’t exactly have proof just a feeling. You can’t get all worked up over a feeling. You know he’s been trying to contact you, creating accounts on social media to message you to the point where you needed to deactivate all your accounts. You know he’s been finding your number every time you change it, and you know he’s in contact with your family.

“He just won’t leave me alone. I think it’s making me paranoid. He keeps getting my number every time I change it. He managed to get a key to my flat after I kicked him out. I came home one day to find him moved back in. He..” You stop yourself. They didn’t need to know how that story ends. Simon's hand is warm on your shoulder, you don’t want it to leave. You sigh looking up. 

“I don’t have proof, if that’s you want it’s just a stupid feeling.” You say looking at John. 

“When was the last time he contacted you?” John asks.

“Saturday.” You say, John hums his eyes flick up to Simon. You look over at Johnny and Kyle, they’re leaned forward in the sofa looking at you. 

“I’m assuming this relationship was not the best?” Simon asks. You shake your head. He squeezes your shoulder again then his hand leaves. 

“C’mon, lets have a chat.” He says. You get up confused. All of a sudden he wants to talk? You follow him and he takes you into John’s office, closing the door behind you. 

“Sit,” he says pointing at the sofa in the corner of the room. He drags over one of the chairs and sits in front of you. There is a coffee table between you both, you look at him as he leans forward in the chair. 

“I thought maybe you would like some privacy.” He says. You sigh and go back to rubbing your hands. 

“Let’s start easy. What’s his name?” Simon asks. 

“Joe, Joe Sharp.” You say. 

“How long were you together?” 

“3 years, we lived together for 2, that’s when things changed when he moved in.” You say, hanging your head again. 

“Abusive?” He asks. You nod.

“Physical, verbal?” You nod again. You hear him sigh. 

“Why do you think he’s stalking you?” He asks you look up at him. His eyes are soft, kind. Even the way he’s holding his body, he’s like a different person. 

“I don’t know I think I’m just paranoid, he’s been so desperate to keep in contact with me that I think I just over think everything. I feel like I see him when I’m sure he’s not there. I feel like I’m being followed whenever I’m alone. The nightmares about him breaking into my flat don’t help.” You stop yourself. 

“It sounds stupid when I say it out loud.” 

“It’s not stupid.” Simon says. “Hey look at me.” You look up at him. 

“It’s not stupid. You would be surprised how many times people think they’re being stalked only to find out their intuition was correct.” He says. You nod. 

“First things first though we need proof.”

“I don’t have any.” You admit. He nods. 

“That’s okay, the best way to get a stalker out is to make them jealous. Do you have social media, Facebook, Instagram? Whatever one people use now-a-days.” 

“I’ve deactivated them but I can get them back.” You say reaching for your phone. He nods.

“Make a post, something along the lines of ‘I’m so happy in my new relationship.’ If you want to make it extra believable I can hold your hand you can take a picture?” He says, raising an eyebrow. You nod and he gets up moving next to you on the sofa. He lays his hand out palm up and you slip your fingers between his. His hands are big, and soft. Not what you were expecting. It sends shivers down your spine. It’s the first time you’ve held anyone's hand since your ex.

This is not the same though, this is not romantic. Why does it feel so nice though. You bring your phone up and snap the picture. Looking up at him, his eyes look deep into yours, he has such beautiful eyes. You look away taking your hand out his so you can get back to typing. You pick Instagram, it’s most likely the one he would check the most. You type it out and attach the photo. 

“Should I unblock his accounts?” You ask nervously. 

“It would be helpful, you can always block him again after.” He says. You hover over the post button. You turn to look at Simon. 

“You don’t have to do this but trust me it’s the easiest and quickest way to bait him out.” Simon says. You take a deep breath in and post it. 

“Good now we wait.” Simon says getting up. You follow putting your phone back in your pocket. 

“What do I do?” You ask. 

“Get on with your day act like everything is normal. I’ll give you my number. He tries to contact you, you think you see him, you get a feeling that he’s following you, anything. You call me immediately.” His voice is commanding, he’s looking you in the eyes. It’s not hairs standing up on the back of your neck anymore it’s a new feeling, like a warmth deep within you. You swallow hard handing him your phone so he can put his number in. You take it back putting it back in your pocket. 

“Simon, I can’t afford to hire you guys, I heard you’re pretty pricey.” You say as he turns to leave the room. 

“Don’t worry about that.” He says. That doesn't exactly put you at ease but it’s better then them demanding payment. They’re helping you, they don’t need to. Besides what if you’re wrong and it is all just your paranoid mind playing tricks on you. Then you’ve just wasted their time. You try to push the thoughts away, especially now you’ve basically just kicked the hornets nest. 

When you get back out Simon explains the situation without going into too much detail. He tells Johnny to walk you home. This time when you go to protest you’re shut down by John who insists it’s necessary. You don’t argue it’s been a long day. You let Johnny take you home, he keeps you at ease, back to his bubbly self as he spouts off more stories from his army days. He keeps your mind occupied, you’re not constantly looking over your shoulder. 

“You know you did good today. Most people would have freaked out.” Johnny says once you reach the building. 

“I don’t know if I’ve processed it really yet.” You say chuckling. He nods.

“Well you have my number if you need anything.” He says. 

“Thanks, you take care of that arm.” You say. 

“‘Cause lass it’ll be good as new by tomorrow.” He says patting you on the shoulder then turns to leave. 

—————————— 

By the evening you had calmed down and you were sat watching TV. You couldn’t help but think back to holding Simon’s hand. You find yourself opening your phone and checking the picture. It was a nice picture even though you only snapped it quickly. God were you really that lonely that holding someones hand is enough to have you craving touch. You smile anyway letting yourself enjoy the feeling. It had been a while since you could imagine yourself being touched, or held like that again, let alone falling in love. Maybe this was healing, maybe the dark thoughts bought on with receiving any amount off affection were gone. It’s not long before the peacefulness of the moment is shattered by a sharp knock at the door. You panic almost instantly, holding your breath. 

“Babe it’s me.” You freeze as he knocks again. You look down at your phone, your fingers working their way to your contact list. You can’t think. Maybe he’ll think you’re out. You crawl off the sofa to the TV and the light to turn them off as the phone rings. 

“Hello.” It’s Simon’s voice, it snaps you back into reality. You can still hear him calling at the door. You crawl into the bedroom leaning up against the bed.  

“H-He’s at my door Simon.” You say hearing your voice break. 

“Okay where are you in the living room?” He asks, you can hear keys jingling down the phone. 

“Bedroom.” You say as quiet as you can so you’re sure he won’t be able to hear you. 

“Okay, I’m on my way can you stay were you are?” He says as you hear a car door close. You’re too scared to move, even if you wanted too. 

“Yeah, I-I’m staying here.” You say. The knocking has stopped but you’re sure you can still hear his feet shuffling outside. 

“I’m going to hang up now but I’ll be there soon okay.” 

“Okay.” You reply back tears are streaming down your cheeks now. You hear the call end and you clutch the phone. 

“Baby, we need to talk. Are you seeing someone else? Is he here now?” You hear him say, there’s an edge to his voice, something you haven’t herd in ages, it’s anger. You want to scream, yell at him to go away but you’re still trying to cling on to the fact he might not know you’re in. You sit there for what feels like hours hugging your legs. Eventually after a few more pleas and knocks it goes silent and stays silent.

Your heart is pounding in your chest and you feel sick. Where is Simon? It’s hard to keep track of time. You start spiralling, thinking of the worst possible things. This was the first time he has been back to the flat since you had the locks changed. That was almost 4 weeks ago. This is the closest he has been to you since you broke up with him. It felt too close. Like not even a deadbolt on the door or changing the locks could stop him. There is another knock at the door. You freeze again almost want to scream at him to leave. Why is he here why is he back? 

“It’s me, it’s Simon.” For a second you don’t believe it what if it’s a trick? No you called him and now he’s here. You force yourself to stand up walking over to the front door still clutching your phone in your hand. You unlock the dead bolt, then the lock, then open the handle. You see him standing there, you look round there is definitely no one else around now. He steps inside and you go through your routine of closing all the locks and covering the peephole. He looks around your tiny flat then turns to you.

“You okay?” he asks. You nod, it’s a lie but you don’t care he’s here now and that makes you feel safe. 

“Did you see him?” You ask, he shakes his head. He walks around your flat quickly, looking into the bedroom then walks back over to you. 

“I’ll stay the night, if that’s alright with you?” He asks. You don’t really know how to respond to that. This is the first time you have had a man in your flat since the break up. He dropped everything to come when you needed him. You feel safe around him but you don’t know him. You want to get to know him though. And you definitely don't want to be alone. 

“You can stay.” You say, swallowing the lump in your throat. He nods. 

“You sure you’re okay?” He asks frowning. You don’t want to lie again but you weren't expecting him to ask again. Tears threaten to spill down your cheeks and you force yourself to choke them away. 

“Sit down, I’ll get you a drink.” He says, turning into your kitchen. You walk over to the couch and sit down. 

“There’s wine in the fridge.” You say. 

“Lets start with water.” He replies as you hear the tap run. You pull your legs up to your chest. Simon comes over and hands you the glass then sits on the far end of the sofa. You sip the water as you both sit in silence. 

“Did he say anything?” Simon asks. 

“Just the usual, he misses me, he’s sorry, asked if it was true that I was seeing someone.” You say taking another sip of water. You look over at Simon his eyes scanning over you. It’s starting to get dark out but you don’t want to put the lights on worried he’ll see them and come back. 

“Are you hungry?” You ask Simon. 

“I ate at home.” He says. You nod looking at yourself in the black of the TV. You reach over and turn it on to whatever mindless show you were watching before. Simon doesn't say anything sometimes you catch him looking over at you out the corner of your eye. You order some food and something for Simon too, if he wants it. Even though you’re expecting it the doorbell ringing still makes you jump.

“I got it.” Simon says and before you can protest he’s on his feet. 

“One of them is for you.” You say as he passes you the pizza boxes. 

“Thank you,” he says taking one of the boxes and going back to his spot on the sofa. You get up to the kitchen.

“Want a drink?” You ask. 

“Waters fine.” You nod even though he can’t see you. You head back to the couch with the drinks. He smiles at you when you place his drink down on the coffee table. You sit there in silence demolishing your pizza then sipping on your wine till your head starts to clear. You’re not really paying attention to what’s playing on the TV, your mind is preoccupied with the fact Simon is sat in your flat with you eating pizza. Any other situation and this could be classed as a date. The only thing missing is the cuddling and the cheesy chick-flick.

“What made you want to do this? Help me out?” You ask looking over at him. He pauses for a second like he’s thinking of what to say. 

“I don’t like abusers, especially those who don’t know when to stop.” He says turning back to the TV. Okay that’s something you have to be careful about your next questions. 

“What made you want to join the military?” You ask, that seems like a pretty easy question. 

“To do some good.” He says, you’re not sure if that’s the whole reason but hey you’re talking, he’s not shutting you down. 

“Where are you from? You’re not from London.” You say sipping your wine. 

“Manchester. Ever been?” He asks looking at you. 

“No, the furthest north I’ve been is Birmingham.” 

“That’s unfortunate.” He says, you see a little smile on his lips. 

“What about you? You lived in London all your life?” He asks. 

“Yeah, Sutton, till I moved here.” You say.

“It’s a nice place.” He says looking round the flat, it’s dark now only the TV to light up the place.

“I’m thinking of moving, when I can afford another deposit.” You say looking down at your glass of wine. 

“Why?” he asks. 

“You know, fresh start, away from-” You stop yourself drinking the last of your wine and getting up. You pick up the empty pizza boxes. Taking them into the kitchen. You don’t even hear Simon getting up off the sofa you just accidentally back into him. You can feel his chest up against your back, it’s warm, strong, you almost want him to wrap his arms around you. His hands end up on your shoulders and your breath catches in your throat.

“I’ll make sure you’re not afraid to live in your own flat. I promise.” He says, his voice low, his grip on your shoulders soft, but firm. You feel heat rushing to your cheeks, you don’t want to move there’s that feeling again the craving of physical contact. You feel safe when he’s around like you’d trust him with your life. You let out a breath as he moves his hands from your shoulders and steps back. You feel cold suddenly, a shiver runs down your spine. You turn to look at him, you meet his eye line, his eyes are soft almost glazed over as he looks at you.

“Simon, why are you helping me?” You ask again, maybe he’ll give you a different answer. His hand reaches up slowly and you almost flinch, holding your breath as he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. His eyes scan your face. 

“Did he ever, hit you?” He asks quietly. You nod, not being able to bring yourself to speak. His thumb brushes your cheek. 

“Choke you?” He asks, his hand resting on your chin. You swallow hard your throat feeling suddenly constricted. 

“You don’t have to answer.” He says. You force yourself to nod. 

“You said he came back after you kicked him out. He got a key and let himself in.” He says. You nod. 

“What happened?” He says gently holding your chin so you can’t look down. You open your mouth but words don’t come out. He lets go of your chin taking a step away to give you some space. Maybe this is what you need to do, to get this off your chest. Will it make you feel better? Maybe? But Simon’s giving you the opportunity to talk. You look down at your hands, forcing yourself to hold back the tears swallowing the lump in your throat. 

“He tried to kill me.” You say finally. It doesn’t feel like a weight off your shoulders, it feels like a punch to the gut. The guilt comes next. Why didn’t you report him? Why didn’t you get a restraining order? Why did you let it happen? You feel sick, your head spinning. You look back up at Simon, there is something different in his expression now. Does he understand? Does he even care? This morning you thought he hated you, now he’s in your flat, he’s not the same Simon you met a few days ago who would barely give you the time of day.

He’s here because you called him for help. He put’s a foot forward almost like he’s trying to test if he can step closer to you. You keep still and he takes that as permission to step to you. His hand cups your face in his warm hands and you look up at him. 

“I'm doing this because you don’t deserve it, that’s why I’m helping you. The torment, the guilt, the sleepless nights. I can’t make it go away but I can try and help.” He says. A tear rolls down your cheek, he brushes it away with his thumb. 

“You sound like you know what it’s like.” You say, trying not to let your voice break. 

“I do,” He sighs, his hands dropping from your face. He turns walking back to the sofa. 

“You should take the bed, you’re bigger it’ll be more comfortable.” You say, you don’t mind sleeping on the sofa at least you’ll fit. 

“Don’t be silly this is your place, your bed.” He says sitting back down on the sofa. You walk into the bedroom brushing away the rest of the tears that managed to escape as you dig through the wardrobe for blankets and pillows. You take them back out to him and place them on the sofa. You don’t know what to say, he’s sat watching the TV, you feel tired, drained. 

“You should get some rest.” He says without looking at you. You nod, turning to head back into the bedroom. 

“If you need anything, just let me know.” You say before you go through the door closing it behind you. You let out a breath, maybe this was healing? You just don’t know it yet. You change into your PJ’s and climb into bed. You can see the moonlight peaking through the blinds lighting up the room. Simon knows what it’s like. Maybe you should have asked him about ex’s. Or maybe it wasn’t his ex. You remember the way he reacted when you asked about his family. You wonder if he still talks to them.

You turn over in the bed looking at the door. It feels weird knowing he’s on the other side. Maybe you should crack the door open, it might make you feel better. You want to feel his hands on you again, squeezing your shoulder or touching your face. He’s gentle, not want you were expecting. You let out a breath and swing your feet out the bed before your brain has really even comprehended what you’re doing. This is a bad idea. He’s a work colleague, this could ruin everything. 

“Simon.” You say as soon as you open the door. He turns to look at you. 

“Will you come lay with me?” You’ve done it now, your cheeks flood with heat as you wait for a laugh, a scoff, him to straight up tell you no.

“You want me to lay with you, in your bed?” He asks sitting forward. You nod, then immediately start regretting it.

“Forget it, it doesn’t matter I’m sorry-”

“It’s okay, I will.” He says stopping you in your tracks and standing up. You stare at him as he turns the TV off walking over to you. You watch as he pulls his boots off leaving them by the front door. 

“If it’s what you want.” He says meeting your eye line. You nod, your heart thumping in your chest. You walk back into the bedroom, and he follows.

“You want me under or on top of the covers?” He asks. You hadn’t even thought about it.

“On top.” He says watching your hesitation. He waits until you get into bed and are comfy before he sits on the other side. You lie down watching him, he’s slow as he swings his legs over almost like he’s trying not to spook you. It doesn’t feel weird. You thought it would having another man in your bed.

It was more weird seeing him in your living room for the first time then right now. Maybe you’re just used to him. Maybe you really do trust him. Maybe you judged him too harshly. He turns on his side looking at you. You move your arm  out from under the covers, you want to touch him, maybe he wouldn’t like that though. You place it down instead. 

“Do you get nightmares?” You ask. 

“All the time.” He replies.

“About your time as a soldier?” 

“And other things.” He says. You sigh. 

“Tell me about how you met Price, and Johnny and Kyle.” You see a smile form on his lips. 

“On one condition.” He says shuffling his body down so his head is level with yours. 

“What?” you ask.

“Promise me no nightmares tonight.” You chuckle. 

“I can’t control that.” 

“Promise.” He says raising an eyebrow. 

“Okay I promise.” You say sighing, even though it’s completely out of your control. His hand moves back up to your face brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“I’ll leave when you fall asleep.” He promises. You try to argue with him telling him the bed is comfier then the sofa but he won’t have it. You relent feeling tired, you try to clear your mind and not think about anything just listen to Simon talk about how he met everyone. His voice is calming, his presence puts you at ease. You wish he could stay. You don’t remember falling asleep but that night you dream about him. Good dreams, you’re on a date. Christ you’re falling for him.

—————————— 

You wake to the sun peaking through the bedroom blinds. Simon is not in the room anymore. You slip out of bed and head into the living room. He’s already awake sat at the kitchen table, flicking through a tablet. 

“Morning,” You say walking over to him. 

“Morning,” he replies turning the tablet off. 

“How long have you been awake?” You ask clicking the kettle on. 

“An hour or so.” He says, rubbing his neck.

“I told you you should have taken the bed.” You say taking out two mugs. “Tea?” 

“Please, one sugar.” He says. You think back to last night him lying in the bed with you. You could have swore you felt his hands touching you, brushing your cheek, your hair. Maybe that was just part of the dream. It was a good dream. The best dream you’ve had in months. This is the first time in years you felt safe in your own flat. The click of the kettle snaps you back to reality and you pour the tea’s bringing them over to the table. 

“What were you looking at?” You ask gesturing at the tablet.

“Today's jobs.” Oh shit work! Your head snaps round looking at the clock on the wall it’s all ready 10am. 

“Shit!” You say pushing your chair back. Simon grabs your wrist, you panic. He imminently lets go when your head snaps back to him wide eyed. 

“I called Price, told him we were taking the morning off.” You take a breath in and sit back down, sipping your tea to calm your nerves. He watches you like he’s trying to see how you’re going to react. You smile at him, letting him know you’re okay.

He picks up his mug taking a sip. You’re about to ask him what he want’s to do this morning when there is a crash in the living room. It’s so loud it makes you shriek. Your body snaps round in the chair as you look at the shattered glass now all over the living room. You go to stand up.

“Stay there.” Simon says his hand on your shoulder pushing you back down as he heads over to the balcony door. He goes out looking over the balcony up and down. Leaning round the corners. You guess he doesn't see anything, you can’t think all you can feel is your heart rapidly beating in your chest. He comes back in closing the door and walks round the flat looking for something till he finds it. He picks it up it’s a brick with a letter tied to it. He takes the letter off the brick and opens it, something falls out on the floor and he picks it up. You’re holding your breath, as Simon walks back over to you. It looks like he’s looking through a stack of photos. He places them on the table.

“Well now we have proof.” He says standing next to you as you fan the photo’s out. It’s pictures of you, from yesterday, a few days ago, when you went shopping on Sunday. There are even pictures of you inside your flat. Your head snaps to the window trying to even see where he could have even snapped them from. Panic builds inside you as you continue to look over the photos. Is this a threat? What does this mean? You look up at Simon who’s reading the letter that came with the photos. 

“What does it say?” You ask him, but you really don’t know if you want to know. 

“Let’s just say he’s not happy.” Simon says looking down at you. You didn’t even realise you are gripping his shirt. Maybe this plan was a bad idea.

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[n3ptoonz]

Hello! I saw your most recent headcanon list thing with the Earthrealm guys being caught Slonking it Silly Style™ and uh. I was just wondering if you'd be willing to do something similar with the Outworld guys as well? Obviously you don't have to if you don't want to, but I think it would be neat! Thank you so much in advance! I love your work :)

deep, dramatic sigh. (kidding anon tysm i gush over comments like this ily smoochhhh) also the terminology made me laugh out loud ty for that

Shang Tsung

kinda sorta didn't gaf. who's to say he didn't want you to hear him. the world may never know

you were to report to him about some findings for his experiments and there he was, leaning over the table and straight up cranking it over a bucket (he's odd like that) honestly when you acknowledge your own presence he's like... can i help you?? you see i'm busy???

but at the same time he's like hold up i have a fine specimen here to help me out here...he's leaving here with SOMETHING (studio laughter)

Rain

i don't think he'd care either if you walked in on him. in fact, he might welcome it. he's used to having his own space, but he doesn't mind sharing it with people he's ok with being around. yes that includes you (is it only you? not even he knows yet)

day 8163 of using Rain's arrogance to push my narrative that he's not only in love with himself but how he looks in the mirror. you definitely walked in on him wanking it in the mirror and he'd freeze but recover so quick

ain't no way you're leaving here after you just caught him though. how else will his problems get solved? you went and made him hard all over again!

Reptile

syzoth has two, let's get that out the way. AND he uses both hands for them LMAOO

president of syzoth is a lil subby bitch society. so when you catch him tugging on both and reduced to a pathetic mess from his own hands??? he's frozen and quite literally has no clue what to do. he's sweaty, there's tears in his eyes, and his fangs are much more pronounced than usual

once you give him the green light that you're into whatever tf he was just doing watch him crawl over to you on all fours and hug your legs, practically begging you to touch him

Havik

expect this smug fuck to claim he wanted this to happen. dude was hunched over and going at it behind his own desk, grunting like a cave man who discovered self pleasure for the first time

1000% expect him to demand you help him, but instead it's after he froze for like 5 seconds and then tried to play it off

he would also be internally shocked when agree to finish the job, but on the outside it's like "that's what i thought...now get over here" whole time he's jumping up and down and twirling in his brain

Reiko

it's already rare that he has time to himself and definitely RARELY has time to be with you for an extended period of time, so you catching him when you wanted to surprise him with your presence it triggered his fight or fight LMAO

legit laughed at the thought of him jumping up from his chair hands ready to be thrown...but his dick is swinging PLSSSSSS

he's like well shit now he deserves your help after you almost got two pieced by your own boyfriend...but who's complaining?!

General Shao

this man weirdly reminds me of bowser sometimes. with that being said i think he'd do a BUAHA as a shocked sound when you catch him thwoping the schlong

as much as i can't fucking stand him he does look a lil better in this game i will admit. i'm not gonna sit up here and lie, he def has a HUGE wanker innit. so you didn't miss shit when you walked into his chambers

he would also demand your help. but if you have a lil push back just for fun, he'd eventually say please and be all soft and shit. why? cause it's you god damn it!

Baraka

let's be fr. truly i do not think mk1 baraka would masterbate simply bc he's like depressed all the time😭but for the sake of shits and gigs, ill humor y'all

let's say he hasn't seen you in a while and misses you dearly. he knew you were on a quest for a while, and he was very pent up... so what better way to release stress other than sparring! oh. not enough? time for another type spar 😈

if this were old baraka i'd say he has two 👁️ but since this version of tarkat is a disease let's say it made the skin around his wee like ribbed or something ya SO when you caught him he was in a straight up panic and apologizing profusely but once you calm him down and tell him you're glad he missed you so much, he's like oh shit...well help me out then...only if you want to!

a/n: i did it y'all FUCK. my bad for taking so long to release this i'm a perfectionist to a fault💀

[emelinstriker]

Wukong ♡ Part Of The Family

I'm not dead whoop- Just lost motivation and also didn't really have time. I don't know if I'm now fully back, but here have this one-shot... And a Mink (Ink MK) X Reader is in the making as I'm publishing this one-shot. c:

And Wukong's got a thing for MK's mom in this one...

ⓘ Reader is USING SHE/HER PRONOUNS

 ♡ ~ Fluff ~ ♡

"Alright, I'll be heading home now."

"Make sure not to forget your backpack this time."

"Oh c'mon, I told you I was in a hurry yesterday, Pigsy! Anyway, see you tomorrow."

And with that, you put on your backpack and made your way over to the front door of the noodle shop. You were casually walking outside, humming a tune that's been stuck in your head the entire day... Until you noticed a little boy standing there, nude and covered in dirt, just staring at the noodle shop's bright light in awe. Confused and concerned, you glanced around the area in search for any possible parent looking for their runaway child. But there was no one even walking around the street. It was almost closing time for many people, after all.

When the boy still didn't move, you decided to take action. Slowly approaching the boy, you kneeled down to be more at his height. "Hey there, sweetie. How did you end up here like this? Are you lost? What's your name?" He looked at you, then back at the shop. Yet, he did not talk. Scratching your head in thought, you decided to approach the situation differently. "So, uh... Are you hungry? I'm sure I can let Pigsy take a bit off my paycheck for some noodles. I don't think he would turn down cooking for a kid in need."

Again, he just looked at you, then back at the shop. You sighed. This would be a fun problem to solve past closing hours. Extending your hand out towards the boy, you stood up. "C'mon, sweetie. Let me at least get you inside. I'd rather have you sit inside in the warmth than standing outside in the cold and dark once the sun is gone. I'm sure we can help find your parents."

This time, the boy looked at you, then at your hand. He hesitantly placed his tiny, kinda dirtied hand in yours and you began to slowly lead him inside the noodle shop's light.

Your boss was kind and helped you clean him up and gave him spare clothes, which looked a bit too big on the boy, then cooked up a meal for him. Sadly, you were unable to figure out what happened to him or where his parents were. You even looked outside the shop in the dark occasionally, trying to hear or see anyone who was looking for their child. But nothing came of it. Eventually, you found out the child's name and... It was really long. And since neither you or Pigsy could be bothered with saying it, you decided to nickname him MK. Your choice of the nickname was actually inspired by the legendary Monkey King, how he also had a really long name that got shortened for convenience as well.

A couple of days passed and there still was no parent looking for their child, nor was there any missing person report regarding a young boy with his descriptions...

You were basically taking care of MK during day and night, taking him home with you. At one point you suggested placing him in an orphanage, but MK only started to sob and cry, hugging your leg, not wanting to leave you. And being unable to say no, you accepted your fate. Hell, you even went the extra mile and became his legally adoptive parent with the paperwork you filled out, with Pigsy as uncle-figure of course.

As time went on, so did the years of development for your son. He moved out of your house and moved into the apartment Pigsy owned right above his shop, making him have a much easier time going to work. Meanwhile, you decided to travel through other towns all around the country, sending many little souvenir gifts and postcards over to Megapolis for MK to see, as well as keeping in touch with him through texts. And just a few years later, you heard news about various demons attacking your Megapolis, and how a boy called the Monkie Kid saved the city multiple times. Concerned, you started to travel back to the city, trying to get back as soon as you could to make sure your son and your former boss were alright.

To be honest, you arrived at a probably horrible time.

Looking at the city's skyline in the distance, you had to rub you eyes in confusion. Were you seeing this right? The city was partially covered in what seemed like giant ice shards... Did climate change really hit this area this bad the past years? It wasn't like it covered everything, but there certainly seemed to be a lot of icy remains. Shaking your head to regain focus, you proceeded with your self-proclaimed mission of checking on your son and your former boss. Cautiously making your way through Megapolis... the city seemed rather ruined. People were seemingly trying to get rid of any remaining ice as well as just generally trying to recover from whatever occurred. You were more confused if anything. What happened? Was this the aftermath of an attack of a demon you heard and read about in the news?

You then found your way back to Pigsy's Noodles. The noodle shop didn't seem to have changed at all. Upon entering, you immediately recognized some familiar and some unfamiliar faces. But the three you were most happy about to see were MK, Tang and Pigsy. You grinned, staying quiet as you leaned against the wall next to the entrance.

"MK! Order up!" Pigsy yelled out with a smile... It was certainly strange to see him smiling, but you weren't going to complain. Nice to know he was happier than when you left.

"On it, boss!" MK exclaimed as he swiftly grabbed the ordered bag. Though, as he turned to leave, his eyes spotted you... He froze, almost tripping over himself as he nearly let the noodle order fall in absolute shock. The boy simply looked at you with wide eyes... Before he started to tear up and seemingly hugged you at lightspeed. "MOM! YOU'RE BACK! I MISSED YOU! IT'S BEEN SO LONG!"

You chuckled as you tightly hugged him back, slightly tearing up yourself. "I'm home, sweetie..."

Of course, due to MK still having to go on his delivery route, he didn't have time to catch up with you just yet. However, you asked if you could join him on his delivery to catch up while he drove around. And of course, he happily agreed. Though, it was interesting to see where he went for those deliveries... The way he so casually delivered those noodles to so many demons with you... However, he was inhumanly fast at it. You were actually intrigued... What happened to your son while you were gone? Why was he suddenly so fast? Sure, he was a pretty hyperactive kid at least since you and Tang told him about the legend of the Monkey King, but this speed was new to you.

However, it wasn't until the last delivery where you were really questioning things. He had to deliver to Sun Wukong, the legendary Monkey King. At first you were under the assumption that he was supposed to place the delivery as an offering at his temple... You did not expect your precious baby boy to crash into a rock solid wall, apparently revealing the Monkey King's home on the other side, and creating a hole in the wall from excitement... Yeah, you definitely were missing out on major context here for sure. And if that wasn't enough, the legendary Monkey King himself was actually standing behind said wall and casually greeted your son as if it were just another day... Was this real? Didn't Sun Wukong supposedly vanish since he sealed the Demon Bull King? Was this a fake? You were actually internally freaking out at the sight of the legend himself from the stories. Though, you tried to keep calm and not squeal like a fangirl. He looked too real to be a human in a costume...

"Hey, bud!" Monkey King greeted MK before noticing you. He blinked at you in confusion. "Oh- Who's your friend?"

But before you could introduce yourself, MK hugged you excitedly from the side. "Monkey King, this is my mom! Mom, meet Monkey King!"

You awkwardly wave with a nervous, not sure if you were even allowed to be here. "Uh... h-hey."

"My mom and Mr.Tang are the reason I became a fan of your stories in the first place! She's a huge fan of you too!" MK said excitedly, which made you blush in embarrassment as you pursed your lips, mentally wanting to shut your son up from talking about you and your interests.

Monkey King couldn't help but snort at the dynamic you and your son have. He didn't even need his powers to notice the clear embarrassment and awkwardness you felt at your son's words. "Well, I'm glad to be able to meet the mother of my successor." The ginger-furred simian held out his hand for you to shake. You smiled awkwardly and hesitantly shook his hand, internally screaming that you were literally shaking hands with the Sun Wukong...

But then his words hit you and you looked at him and MK in confusion. "Wait a minute... Successor? Of the Monkey King?" You gave MK a slight glare. "He didn't tell me anything about that..." Your son laughed sheepishly, to which the Monkey King grinned smugly at him.

"Whaaat? You didn't tell your mom about how you can wield my staff and powers? And how you did a bunch of hero stuff?" Monkey King teased the poor boy. MK really just wanted to disappear right about now in fear of your silent rage.

"MK, I'm not mad that you didn't tell me... Well, I kind of am. But I'm mainly just worried about you and your safety, sweetie." You stated as you kissed MK's forehead. The way you handled MK seemed to very slightly stir something deep inside the Monkey King... He didn't know what it was, but it made him feel a little funny. It was a rather pleasant feeling... Just the way you talked with MK and treated the boy who was somewhat of a son to him.. Wait.

Actually- Nevermind, he realized something.

MK whined a bit, "Mooom, but I'm grown up already! I can handle some bad guys, even the big ones!"

"And I'm supposed to believe it how? Sure I've seen you running extremely quickly, but I haven't seen you use any actual powers- Besides you breaking the wall-" You paused. Then you turned towards the Monkey King and bowed a little. "I'm terribly sorry that my son broke your wall! How much would it cost to fix it? I-I'm sure I can cover the cost somehow-"

"Psh, it's fine, don't worry about it, Miss (Y/N). No need to pay for it. We tend to destroy walls surprisingly often during training. I can just easily fix it later myself if necessary", Monkey King cut you off. He then got an idea of how to prove it all. He placed his hands on his hips and grinned. "Well, speaking of training... How about your son and I show you what he can do already? We haven't been training in a while anyway, so it could be a nice refresher after everything that happened with the Lady Bone Deeeuuuuhhhh... Forget that part, actually."

You give both a confused and somewhat suspicious look. Now it was Monkey King's turn to laugh nervously. "Aahahaaaanyway- Let's show her what you've learned so far, bud!" He then grabbed you and MK and lead you outside to the cliffside of his home, where him and MK would usually chill and train at. And to give credit where credit is due, it did seem like MK learned quite a bit from his mentor. He even performed some of Monkey King's 72 transformations to show off his skills. Of course you were proud and happy for your son, but you were still a little worried about him having to face actual threats as the legend's successor.

That's when Monkey King started to act... strange, as MK would put it. He wanted to spar with the young boy, which was fine... But unlike their usual sparring sessions, this time his mentor was shirtless. MK immediately knew something was up because he has never seen him spar shirtless since there was no need. Monkey King never even break a single sweat during training. Nor did he ever overheat...

Meanwhile, you couldn't help but eye the ginger-furred monkey's physique. Despite being on the rather lean side, he did have refined muscles on him which were clearly visible due to the bright sunlight. Monkey King noticed your staring and only seemed to move more in a calculated way as he dodges MK's attacks. It was if he was showing off his body more, which made you faintly blush while he grinned... You thought he was grinning because of how easily he dodged MK's attacks with his staff.

However, Monkey King seemed so distracted and was holding back by showing off his body that he did not manage to block one attack from MK. The attack knocked the monkey to the ground due to him losing his balance in surprise. MK laughs victoriously at his mentor's defeat since the task was to land a hit. "Ha! I did it!"

Monkey King blushed a bit in embarrassment as he watched you hold back your laughter. He sheepishly smiled at his successor before using his tail to help himself off the ground. "Yeah, you sure did bud. Congrats."

Suddenly, your phone rang, capturing the attention of both of them. Looking at your phone, you noticed it was Pigsy calling. You sighed as you turned towards the other two. "I'll be right back, I got a call." You said before going a bit further away from them so you could be able to peacefully listen to what Pigsy wanted to talk to you about.

Meanwhile, MK just had to make sure of something. He raised an eyebrow at his mentor, grinning smugly. "Soooo... My mom...~?"

Monkey King blushed as he looked away, laughing nervously as he scratched his cheek. "Ahahaha! W-What are you talking about, kid? W-What about you mom ahaha-"

"You like her, don't you?" MK asks smugly. "You never take any clothes off during our sparring sessions, not even the smallest piece. Even when someone else is around... You even held back on your dodges to flex! This is the first time I see you trying to impress someone!"

If the ginger-furred simian had been drinking something, he would've either spat it out or choked on it as he tried to nervously laugh it off. "O-Of course not! Wha- W-What makes you say that? That doesn't prove anything! I just... felt like sparring like this today, okay? There's a first time for everything after all!" He tried to justify his actions. MK on the other hand just hummed, still grinning smugly. For anyone else trying to hook up with his mom, he would feel disgusted by it. However, the idea of the Sun Wukong, his mentor, legally becoming his father would be amazing. So, what else is there to do than for him to tease his probably and hopefully future dad? "...I don't like how you're looking at me right now." Wukong commented as MK simply continued to grin at him.

"Just admit it."

"...Admit what, bud?"

"That you like my mom."

"Oh- Ahahaha- Psh, I don't like her. I-I mean I like her, you know? She's nice, she's caring... But, I don't like-like her, y-you know? I-I, uh, just-" The ginger simian stammered nervously.

"Mhm. Sure..." MK's grin didn't fade.

After some awkward staring, Monkey King sighed in defeat. "...Okay fine, maybe... Just maybe I do like her just a tiny smidge more than I should for just meeting her today..."

MK chuckles as he leans against his staff. "So like, do you want me to play matchmaker and set you two up? I could get Mei and Sandy involved too in helping you get her to like you back."

The ginger-furred simian blinks at him in both surprise, confusion and embarrassment. He thought his successor would either just drop the topic or continue teasing him behind your back. Maybe he somewhat expected him to even resent him in a way for liking his mother... He just didn't expect him to willingly want to be a supportive matchmaker.

Monkey King nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "Um... How about without them- I just... don't want this to be a big thing since I just met her...?" That came out as more of a question than a statement. The young Monkie Kid happily looked at his mentor, seeing his answer as a clear-cut confirmation of the Great Sage Equal To Heaven asking him for help.

It didn't take long for a plan to be formed.

From then on, just to have both of you to get to know each other better, MK asked you continuously to come with him to Flower Fruit Mountain everytime him and Monkey King were training... And your son was an annoyingly persistent bean, so you usually were dragged away and over to the Monkey King's lair. Then, after every training session, his mentor would talk to you.

It started off simple, actually. You would usually ask about MK's progress as well as about what kind of trouble he's already gotten himself into while you were gone. Apparently the day you returned, MK and his friends had just defeated some ancient bone demon spirit and Megapolis was still recovering.

But then your topics became a lot more personal with each new conversation. While your conversations once were just about things regarding your son being the successor of the Monkey King, over the course of the next weeks, Monkey King would talk to you more about personal preferences. Soon, most of your conversations became rather personal between you two. And oddly enough, MK never once bothered you two. Which made you a little suspicious because MK would usually pester you about what you were talking about with someone else.

You actually became quite good friends with your son's mentor. And after some more time, Sun Wukong, the legendary Monkey King, the Great Sage Equal To Heaven, asked you out for dinner on Flower Fruit Mountain. You, a mere mortal human, of course were stunned. But also excited to basically go on a date with Sun Wukong himself. Though, it didn't take long for you to figure out that MK was helping out his mentor in hooking you up with him... Just the fact that he was not so secretly asking Wukong about his type right in front of you, to which the Monkey King was responding in a way that was describing you, was evidence enough. It was cute and amusing to see the legendary Monkey King so awkward and flustered that he needed the help of his successor though.

But, your first date was great. You could've sworn MK and Wukong's monkeys were helping him behind the scenes, but they never directly interfered or showed up. Either way, your second date was definitely something Wukong himself set up without MK's or the other monkey's influence, which you appreciated a lot.

However, your monkey boyfriend became a lot more bold in your relationship over time. He turned from awkward and nervous to the horny equivalent of his lip bite meme pictures... Beware of his bad pick-up lines and other advances, because those were the only things that really made MK regret helping him...

"Hey there, beautiful. Are you a peach? Because I want to get a taste of you-"

"Oh my god, Wukong."

"Whaaaat? I just love and a-peach-iate you, babe-"

> Masterlist <

[sketchehm]

[ #my guess if that Serpias wanted to kill the guy much earlier#like. when he asked Sapnap about the numbers there was this sharp clever glint in his eyes and then this dickhead RUINED IT#no one outside the mafia should be able to precieve or talk to Sapnap ever Serpias thinks#Sapnap has been trained to stand his ground and not escalate a situation because in Dream's family everything was like defusing a bomb#cuts had to be precise and you couldn't be picking fights#here Team Mafia *really* wanna see Sapnap kill a guy with his bare hands and teeth#also. aughhhh Sapnap probably hates talking sooooo much.#because Dream also really valued his opinion but he didnt need to *talk*#he would just look at him and Dream would get it#but now he has to explain everything and its clunky and bad. so he talks less ] @rat-rosemary

[ #aaaaa i want to see the rest of team mafia too for their reactions about sapni#i bet they would cheering sapnap if he kill a guy and sapnap is confused af if he messep up or something ] @lazy30

Hello hi guys hehe

SO! The Team did actually call dibs to see who would get to watch Sapnap kill first. They’re excited by it! 

(Shadoune saying he already won cause he’s watched Sapnap beat people to death in some of the underground fights, but that doesn’t count. Shadoune fights with them that it does. No one listens to him lmao)

Sapnap is in… “training”…..with them for about a month, learning how the Team works and getting to know everyone. (That month is all he needs to fall in love with them….) However, actually going out onto the field is a whole different story.

Serpias did end up winning the Team’s gambling match to get Sapnap’s first kill haha. The asshole they’re going out to meet was already marked for dead, they found out that he’s been scamming some of the lower associates and Serpias was already tasked to investigate and take the guy out. Sapnap is just his +1 hehe (None of this is explained to Sapnap…which proves to be the cause of many issues…)

So Sapnap was kinda right in thinking this was a kind of “training”. He didn’t…fail per say. Serpias just got pissed off and couldn’t hold back.(That's /his/ Sapni. Its what he tells the others, he couldnt help himself.) Though, Serpias will report back to the other guys and says that Sapnap was extremely passive for most of the interaction. Which is…not the Sapnap they’ve gotten to know so far. He’s loud and cocky. Yes he’s smart and they know he could take on a more leadership position if he keeps learning under them directly (they know he was in charge of his own division at the least when with Dream, so they know he can hold those kinds of responsibilities). They think maybe just cause it was his first time? (They know that’s not true. Especially Serpias, having witnessed Sapnap speak with the bastard..Sapnap was way more professional than he’d given him credit for. It’s not what they’re looking for in him though.)

After a few times of going out with the guys and Sapnap not…being their reactive aggressive attack dog, they just start putting him in more….dangerous situations. Nothing they know will harm him seriously, but they need to see what actually gets him to /kill/. They’re eager for it, almost desperate. They’re all killers, Shadoune knows for sure Sapnap is one too. But they’re wondering if maybe that’s just not the kind of guy Sapnap might be? There seems to be a kind of switch flipped in Sapnap whenever they go out on business with him…

Sapnap…well he can tell something’s up. And he feels like he’s doing something wrong….He’s still not exactly used to how they operate, he’s not used to tagging along and having to speak up as well too…He assumes it’s them trying to get him to learn Spanish faster, but he’s shy and hates the idea of stumbling on his words and embarrassing not only himself, but whoever he’s tagging along with. And every outing he’s a part off, the other guy is always an asshole, there seems to be no shortage of them. He wonders if it's because the Team’s territory is so much larger and that’s why there just seems to be more idiots they have to deal with…The Team are the only group he’s comfortable talking back to (when the time calls for it) and just being himself. He’s had years of learning on how to act when with dealers and opposing mafiosos. It was always a pain having to tiptoe and figure out what dance each guy wanted. And its even worse here cause he doesn’t even understand what the other party will be saying. He misses Dream the most during this. Dream was always so much better at speaking than him, always knew what Sapnap wanted to say and expressed it for him…..

Sapnap did pick up on the pattern that anytime he’s with someone from the Team and they’re out to meet some other asshole, the guy ends up dead. Maybe it's his fault? Maybe he can’t get his words out correctly and the business deals fall flat cause of it? Sapnap has seen his fair share of corpses, caused many deaths himself, but it feels odd. He feels guilty.

He also picked up on the pattern that he seems to be a sort of punching bag at these meetings. Not a physical one per say… It’s never to whoever he’s with, only he seems to be the target. He can understand most insults and while it seems to be just common to use them every other word, the opposing person always seems to be directly insulting or mocking him. He tries not to mind. Though it does start to get to him, wondering if the Team are doing this on purpose. Maybe he isn’t their beloved guard dog….these meetings are just a reminder he’s only a mutt to them, useless…and then they force him to talk just to add onto the embarrassment…

The Team are slowly noticing Sapnap becoming more reserved even with them. The worst they’ve seen Sapnap do is break someone’s wrist after they tried to take a punch at him, but never kill. (He even refused to leave his room after that meeting too. They all were distressed.) Anytime a gun was pulled on Sapnap, he always managed to disarm the person and asked for the meeting to continue. It was extremely frustrating for the Team.

They decide maybe enough with taking him out. There’s something they’re clearly not figuring out. It’ll be Shadoune and Conter who end up actually speaking with Sapnap and asking about everything. But Sapnap is not….the best with his words in English either…. When with Dream and George, they all just /knew/. It was from years of growing up together. Sapnap doesn’t know how to explain himself and ends up just saying he’s….shy….he won’t tell them about his anxieties, he thinks its dumb, he rarely ever shared them with Dream or George.

“Ah! Espera, yo pienso que está estresado porque cada compromiso ya está marcado a fallar, y él no lo sabe.”

When the two reveal to Sapnap they’re not gonna be taking him out anymore, it's basically confirming his anxieties. They’re gonna kick him out cause he’s worthless. He’s gonna have to return to Dream empty handed too, having failed him as well….Sapnap can feel himself spiraling. He begs for another chance. He’ll practice his Spanish more, he can make a deal go well, he promises!

Conter says something to Shadoune that Sapnap doesn’t understand at all. Shadoune looks like he’s realized something as well…

Shadoune chuckles before saying, “Ya, ya, entiendo. Pues..que vaya con Farfa mañana, no?”

Sapnap recognized something about tomorrow and Farfa…? He’s never been out with Farfa before. Fuck if they’re sending him out with Farfa that’ll be worse he thinks….

”Farfadox…?”

They both look at him. He feels nervous.

“Yea, tomorrow. It will be good for you!” Conter looks excited by this. Shadoune is nodding in agreement.

”O-okay.” He won’t refuse an order. Not right now. Not when he’s feeling…like /this/. He won’t fail Farfa tomorrow. He swears it to himself….

And when the time finally comes, it’s… easier…? Farfa is making sure Sapnap knows what’s happening in this meeting. Explaining everything in English. But isn’t asking him for an opinion. He’s not being asked to speak. It’s such a relief.

The meeting is wildly different to what he’s used to. Everyone is curt, straight to the point. There is no yelling or arguing, the opposing party barely looks at him, he’s practically ignored. He counts his blessings.

Sapnap is trying to calculate everything in his head and tries to take note to as much as he can….There’s a small detail he notices that he thinks Farfa may have missed. It must mean nothing but….it’s screwing with his internal calculations, something is /wrong/. He doesn’t think these type of people would try to wrong Farfa either…? The environment is so different from what he’s been going through recently, nothing wrong is /happening/, its all so professional, like when he accompanies Dream…but even Dream has missed some vital but almost ignorable detail in contracts before. 

“Farfa…?” He interrupted the two. They were speaking about something, he thinks the meeting was about to close…? But…he needs to make sure first. 

Farfadox is looking at him, expectedly. Not annoyed, patient, it helps builds Sapnap’s confidence. He can do Farfa proud.

“El…uh. Uno dos tres cuatro cinco... says….siete..? El siete uh pa...page? Es mal. Número malo? I think…?”

He gets through his broken spanish and looking from his hands where he was trying to recall his numbers, looks back at Farfa. There’s a small grin on Farfa’s face. Sapnap feels like a kid…..

Farfa understood though. He goes to the 7th page of the contract, its the one that had a listing for some new drug Sapnap has never heard of. But he swore the listing for weight compared to the amount of product they were supposed to receive for their men to sell was…off? And that caused the pricing to skew drastically in his head. He looked over Farfa’s shoulders, reading the numbers himself to make sure he wasn’t wrong and he wasn’t! 

He pointed to the discrepancy, “Aquí! Aquí!”

He noticed Farfa’s brows frown. He looked back at the dealers. So did Sapnap. They were looking at Sapnap, angry. Oh. Did he mess this up again….? Surely not though…

Farfa starts talking, his voice is louder than it was before. It booms. The dealer is raising his voice too, Sapnap assume’s trying to justify the error or something. Now they’re arguing. Fuck, he really does just cause issues….

He’s watching the dealer. He’s furious, his face is red and staring at Farfa. He’s cursing, Sapnap can tell. Farfa is looking back at the contract, continuing to argue. He notices…the dealer’s hands are going into his jacket….

His head is yelling DangerDangerDangerDANGER.

It’s dead quiet now.

Sapnap shoots. Not even realizing he’s taken his own gun out. 

”Sapnap.” He jumps and drops his gun. He’s fucked it up again. It’s worse now. He /killed/ someone. He wasn’t ordered to. He hasn’t been ordered to kill anyone this entire time and now he fucked it up. Oh fuck. Oh /fuck/.

”/Sapnap/.”

There’s hands on his face, “Mira me, mira Sapnap. Respira, breathe.” He’s locking eyes with Farfa now. His hands are gentle. Farfa is smiling.

”He was- He was gonna shoot. He- I saw him. He-“

“Ya, ya. Te creo.” Farfa believes him. Good. Good… Farfa is so nice to him right now. He’ll take it. He knows he’s in trouble. He’ll soak it all in. Before…before whatever punishment they decide (He hopes it’ll just be a punishment. He hopes it isn’t worse)

“Good job. Buen perro.” Sapnap lights up. Oh. Oh! He knows that means he did good. Like really good! They rarely ever say that to him. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Farfa say it himself.

Its crazy how all his worries seem to vanish from the past few weeks. Like just that small reassurance was all he needed. He did good. He smiles.

“Hermoso.”

Sapnap doesn’t know that word.

“Casa?” He asks instead. Farfa laughs.

Sapnap will be getting settled to go to bed when the rest of the members rush into his room(except Spreen he realizes. But he’s at the doorway with Farfa smiling at him). They’re basically dogpiling him. Cooing at him and hugging him and petting and praises and kissing and snuggles and he doesn’t understand, he doesn't get it. 

He slowly realizes they’re all congratulating him. His first kill. His first kill? He tries to tell them he’s killed before. They don’t listen to him. They start talking about setting up a fight with him, so they could all watch next time. Sapnap feels his face getting red. They're all gushing over him....But! He feels like its been forever since they’ve all mobbed him like this. He feels so warm. 

(The next morning he gets breakfast in bed. It all feels very silly to him)

[kfaem]

Love and Deepspace; when their S/O is a kpop idol

notes: brrr new fandom lets go. also yes i went MIA but hey im not like dead

the boys when MC is an idol :) this is self indulgent. im a zayne girlie but i got carried away with raf lol. im tired so this is unedited, poorly written, no structure, and kinda just rambling

Rafayel:

here me out

he was a fan for the longest time, creating multiple pieces based off of you and your likeness

you and your members go to one of his exhibitions and when you make eye contact he's immediately in love more than he was before

kinda in a weird way

but when you approach him first he's in shock and doesnt know what to do

after the initial talking period and when the relationship starts he acts like his normal self

attends every concert and fan meeting

spends hundreds of dollars on your albums, collecting your photocards and solo posters

brags about being your boyfriend on sns and your manager tries to get him to stop

thomas is so embarrassed everytime your manager reaches out and begs him to calm down cause its a bad image

doesnt care about the reporters, is willing to fight with elites over you and your reputation

he's a simp but is also kinda mean sometimes lol

is jealous when you go live and refuse to respond to him to at least an hour and makes his presence known in your chat

i find the image of the matching outfits, couples goals posts on sns, and articles where he names you his muse to just be so <3333

Xavier

You guys bumped into each other at a convenience store, both reaching for the same bag of chips

both flustered with red cheeks, you let him have it and apologized

awkward

so, so very awkward

both of you are stuck in a awkward, silent encounter and neither of you want to say anything

one of your members comes over to see whats taking you so long and realizes that you're in a standoff with a cute blond and decides to play cupid

it worked

you two end up becoming good friends, and then eventually some sort of situationship

he doesnt want to damage your career and acknowledges that you both dont have time to spend with each other

but still acts as a loving boyfriend, buying your albums, concert tickets, merch, birthday specials etc.

then when you guys go on a snack run, a reporter recognizes you and within the week you're caught up in dating rumours

deciding that you guys couldnt avoid the truth, the situationship turned into a real relationship

doesnt really make a big deal out of your relationship or your popularity. would rather spend your guys' spare time reading together, watching movies, eating good food and relaxing

the media eventually forgets but the fans dont

they love every piece of media that ever gets showed, glimpses of xavier in mirrors, reflections on water, glasses, windows. mentions of a lover in interviews when asked what inspired you

just a loving boyfriend who tries to give you a sense of normalcy outside of the flashing lights

Zayne

Childhood friends

he hates your career and how much soul it has taken from you, but also acknowledges that you love what you do and are willing to risk your health and privacy

zayne is the king of situationship lmao

dates all the time, dinners at small restaurants hiding in booths in the far corners since you both like to be alone, together

your members genuinely dont understand how hes "not your boyfriend"

has lingered on music video shoots, using his title as your personal doctor to not raise any eyebrows

doesnt go out of his way to buy your albums but... if hes at a corner store and sees it, he'll buy it. or two. or three.

keeps one of your photocards and a normal picture of you in his wallet, grayson found it on the floor in his office once after it fell out of his wallet and he could never live it down

the entire hospital staff knows but wouldnt say anything for fear of their life

always sending messages no matter what side of the world youre on. Please remember to eat, drink water, and rest as much as you can. Too much strain on your body can cause long-term side effects.

buys tickets to your concerts, trying to hold back his smile as you glow on the stage while performing in front of your many fans

yeah he gets jealous

wont say it

and you can barely tell

but the chill that fills the room when another idol hugs you and is being overly touchy is so very much obvious and has people rushing to do something else

a reporter approaches him and tries to ask about your dating life. he shuts them up with a glare. the reporter doesnt even dare publishing that article.

your fans have a basic idea of what zayne is to you, but they respect you enough to not make a scene of it.

then one of your members gets drunk on a live and asks about your boyfriend and it comes unravelled

you post a picture with him, captioned with a heart, and its never brought up again

has brought your fans food and drinks whenever they set up cafe events for support

he appreciates everything that your fans do for you and has asked them to take care of you when hes not around

your relationship is never actually made official but yall live together when you arent required to be at the dorms and own like two cats so idk

still the caregiver that we love

[thewritermj]

cameras flashes, that's how we crashed

battinson!bruce wayne X reader

part 1

summary: on a press conference, bruce finds a journalist who's up to his standards

warnings: usual gotham violence, quick discrimination of a serial killer, not actually smut in this, but in the future so NSFW MDNI

a/n: forgive any grammatical mistakes, english is not my first language!!! Bruce lives in the manor instead of the Wayne Towers cuz I like the manor vibe more, also I kinda picture Jim Gordon from the Gotham Tv show, cuz I love that version but it doesn't really matters lol. (nothing said above is useful for this reading but I just thought you should know) also, this takes place one year after the movie

Bruce sat quietly on the car, the ride was awfully short. He wished he had more time to mentally prepare to his first press conference. He was a recluse for most part of his life, but after the scandal about The Gotham Renewal Program, people deserved to know the truth. And the idea of continuing his family legacy of charity and philanthropy wasn’t all bad and kept Alfred out of his nerves for a while.

And even tough Bruce Wayne could crack a fake smile to the cameras, throw charity galas and events, the true help came at night. The only possible salivation Gotham could have, the real way he could help the city was as Vengeance. The Batman. He didn’t think of himself as a hero, or a vigilante, more of a necessary evil; all the violence and anger, the rage and the darkness of his work, his project; people would be outraged if they found out they were the same man.

“We’re here, Mr. Wayne” The driver announced.

Alfred, who as sitting across from Bruce on the limo closed the papers he was reading and smiles softly.

“Ready, master Bruce?”

Bruce sighs.

“Not really”

The car parked inside the underground garage of the Wayne Enterprises, Bruce and Alfred made their way to the elevator, not a word was said.

Bruce stole a glance at his reflection on the mirror. A black suit Alfred picked for him, a W embroidery on its lapel, his hair was short now, shorter than he liked, all slicked back by hair gel, but nothing could hide the dark circles under his eyes or the lack of sun colour on his skin. Sometimes, just sometimes, Bruce wishes he didn’t have to wear normal clothes, to comb his hair, ties his bottoms; he wishes he could live inside the Batsuit. He felt like the suit was his own skin, her armour, him and Batman were on, there was no Bruce Wayne without Vengeance, they were bonded forever and could never be separated from each other. He wish they could, he wish he could be Batman alone; no press conferences, no reports, paparazzi, no “Bruce Wayne crowned prince of Gotham.”

The elevator stops and the door open. Alfred goes our first and greet some people outside, telling them where to go.

“You have 10 minutes, Bruce.” He warns, “I’ll get them stared and you wait here till I call you”

Bruce nods.

He sits down on a leather couch and waits, starring at the glass doors. All the reports and journalists waiting for him, men and women, from Gotham and other places of the world.

He’s nervous. Not nervous like he is before a fight, nervous he will be put on a corner, that he’ll be catch on a lie, nervous someone knows. It’s like someone in the next room it’s just waiting for him to appears, to stand up from their chair and ask ‘Are you the Batman?’

“Ladies and gentleman, Bruce Wayne” Alfred announces from the stage and glances at him.

Bruce works on his better smile he can put on and enters the stage; he’s received with thunderous applauses and blinding cameras flashes. He waves and sit on a chair, in a wooden desk in front of him is a glass of water and a microphone.

“Let’s get, started then” Alfred said, pointing to a woman in a grey dress standing with a microphone in her hand.

“Mr. Wayne, why did you decided to throw a press conference after years of reclusiveness?”

Bruce leans into her direction a bit.

“Well, I think all the events of the past year made me realize how much the Wayne Foundation means to Gotham and I’ve been a little reckless with that matter”

It was a good answer, he thought.

The following questions were easy too, “Mr. Wayne, how do you plan on taking care of the raised money? To prevent anything to happen again”, “What’s the difference between the Wayne Foundation and the Gotham Renewal Program?”, “What projects do you have in mind?”, and of course, some shallow questions, “What brand is your suit?”, “What car do you drive?”, question he almost laughed at. Did people actually wanted to know that?

Bruce was thinking how the conference was going well, easy, almost, not as he had pictured it before. Until…

“Mr. Wayne, what do you think about The Batman?”

He flinched for half a second, he opened his mouth but nothing came out.

Another woman asked something he didn’t quite hear with all that was going on inside his head, but the word Batman was also there. And then another, and another…

“Mr. Wayne, what do you think about The Batman?”

The room turned into a complete circus. Grown adults talking over each other, fighting for a turn on the microphone.

You rolled your eyes. This happens every time, someone thinks about the name Batman and suddenly everyone has something to say. What does it matter Bruce Wayne’s thought of the Batman? There were so much important questions to be asked, so much more to discover about that man’s life and projects than a simple opinion.

You were begging to regret the moment you accepted the offer to come to this conference. You weren’t a regular journalist, you didn’t know how to write an article about the weather, fashion trends, social events, you wrote about thing most journalist didn’t want to, thing that most people were scare to read. People scared of the truth. You weren’t. You would dig and dig until the raw verity came to surface, it didn’t matter where or who you had to dig.

The man who had introduced Mr. Wayne appeared again and announced the press conference. No fucking way, no without the answers you wanted, you didn’t take this job to watch other people ruin it.

Slowly, you got up from your sit and walked towards the person who as holding the microphone and gently pull it away from his hands.

“Mr. Wayne…” but the voices around you were too loud.

You gave the head of the mic a flick, the loud keen sound made the room come silent.

“Sorry.” You apologized. “Mr. Wayne, why did you felt the urge to re-open the school project at the marginalized neighbourhoods of Gotham after your father failed attempted?”   

The men was halfway leaving, but he turned around reluctant, staring right at you. Those piercing blue eyes roaming your face.

“Well, I believe the project needs a second chance. Children and teenagers should be given a chance to have a good education, it helps getting them out of the streets.” He answered, without the microphone his voice was low, but the silence of the room let you hear him loud and clear. “Who do you write for?”

“The Gotham Gazette” You answered proudly.

Mr. Wayne whispered something to the other man and sat back at the chair.

“Do you have any more questions, Miss…?”

You smile politely and told him your name.

“Would you say that the Wayne Foundation has an impact outside of Gotham?”

A ghost of a smile appeared on the man’s lips. You shook the urge to smile back at him.

You could tell he was a bit nervous, but he had answered the questions with manners and the right words, maybe he didn’t notice, but he’s quite good at it.

“Yes. I think the work we do on the Foundation inspires people to do the same. If it works out, we can show the world that if there was hope for Gotham there’s hope for them too”

“Do you think there’s hope for Gotham?” You asked, out of spite, because you didn’t write it down before the press.

His lips contracted to a thin line and he thought of it for a few seconds before answering:

“Yes. As long as people like me and you care about what happens here, there’s still hope for the city”

You smiles.

“People like me?”

“You seem to know a lot about the charity work, and you care enough to show it to the world”

Your smile grew bigger and you felt a hint of warm rushing through your cheeks.

Mr. Wayne answered a few more of your questions before the press conference was over.

You were, oh, so proud of yourself. The information you gathered was perfect for what you had in mind and for sure, you could make it a good article. An admiring of the Wayne legacy, that’s what you called yourself. It has always called out to you what that wealth family did; they had no obligation to do it, to donate not just money, but time and resources to help those who couldn’t have what they did, to make Gotham something to be proud of. It’s a shame they never lived long enough to cure it, to heal it. However, you hoped that, maybe, Bruce did. At least he sound determined to.  

You gathered your things and your purse, but as you made your way to the elevator, a woman dresses on formal clothes approached you with a clean, sharp smile that made her look like a dental paste commercial.

“Excuse me, miss. Would you mind, following me?”

You frowned.

“Ahn…What for?”

“Mr. Wayne wishes to speak to you” She explained and her smile somehow grew wider.

Standing there for a few seconds, all you could do was nod as you followed her through a long corridor. What was happening right now? He wants to speak to you? Bruce Wayne wishes to speak to a journalist in private? And more important, to you.

She opened a door to a breath-taking office.

Right in front of you was a full wall window, a panoramic view of Gotham in all its “glory”, skyscrapers, apartment buildings, the clock tower, the bridge of the river, the field behind the road, you could see everything from up there. There was a wooden desk in front of the window, quite empty, and a chair that looked more comforting than any other you had ever sat.

When the woman closed the door behind you, your attention changed to the man standing on your left. Bruce Wayne was staring at you dead in the eyes with a facial expression of someone who just saw a ghost.

This guy seriously need some sunbathing. You shook that thought out of your head.

“Mr. Wayne. You wanted to speak to me?”

“Yes” His raspy voice responded. “Sit, please”

You took a seat on one of the chairs in front of the chair and he sat opposite of you, behind the desk, diving completely into the velvet chair. He crosses his fingers and stares at you again. It made you a little uncomfortable, he did that a lot, like a hunter watching its prey.

“So…”

“I’ve searched your work. You’re really good.”

“Thank you, sir”

“You won a Pulitzer, am I right?”

“Yes, a few years ago”

When did he get the time to read all this information? It’s not like you’re super famous, even the Pulitzer wasn’t a very known prize if you didn’t know the industry.

“For a book about a serial killer in Detroit” He said, a voice that verged into an interrogation tone. “The Divine Move?”

You blinked a few times.

“I…Yes. Nathan Walters.”

He lifted his eyebrows just an inch, telling you to continue the story.

You cleared your throat.

“He uh, he used to be the altar boy of the neighbourhood church and he chose his victims based on the sins he supposed they’ve committed.” You’ve shorten it, you couldn’t understand why a billionaire was asking you about the modus operandi of a criminal who was thousands of miles away.  “Why are you asking me this, if I may ask, Mr. Wayne?”

“You’re an investigative journalist. Why are you attending press conferences of a random billionaire?”

You supressed a laugh. Random.

“I grew up here, sir. I’ve always admired your family work, I took the opportunity when it was offered to me.”

“You seem to know a lot about my family history.”

“Like I said, I’m just an admiring. Although, I once thought of writing a book about the Wayne Legacy. Your legacy, sir.”

“Your legacy, sir”.

Bruce looked down at his cufflinks, the W prominent on a silvery material.

His legacy.

He once thought the Wayne Foundation was his legacy. But now he knew, his true legacy came in a bat shaped suit and sleepless nights; it came on purple coloured bruises and blood stained clothes.

“Why didn’t you?”

“Well…it’s very hard to write about something when you only get superficial information.”

You were nervous, he could tell. You kept staring at the view behind him, or at your shoes, tanking a little too long to answer his questions. He wondered how could a journalist gets nervous, almost shy.

He gave you a puzzled look, not using any words to express his question. But you understood it.

“Using material that was wrote by someone else. All the records and stories about your parents have already been wrote by someone else before me, so I couldn’t say it was my work, could I?”

He hummed.

Bruce took a sigh. Maybe. Maybe this was a good idea, it could keep him in a good status with the press, plus, he’d be able to hide even further down his secret identity, having a journalist with him every day? No one would suspect his the Batman.

“There are stories and details that haven’t been told.”

You bit your lower lip.

He stared at you.

“What are you implying, sir?”

“If I tell you the stories, would you write it?”

“If I tell you the stories, would you write it?”

You almost passed out.

Would you?

Who could say they had a proposal like that? Dig into the secrets of the Wayne family?

“Yes”.

___________________

a/n2: aaaah this is actually so boring I'm so sorry, also I think I made bruce a little more talkative than I would've but anyways I may change it yet.

a special thank you to @preciouslandmermaid for inspiring me to finally write this!! <3

[catgirl-dee]

Hi so I wrote some horny NSFW mistress/bodyguard/maid AU fiction using my OCs and I decided that this fits the vibes of my Tumblr. Oh yeah and it's 3266 words btw so more after the cut

horny stuff: everyone is trans and sapphic, polyamorous, (kinda) cnc, light bondage, groping, lots of making out, edging, orgasm denial, begging, penetration (oral, pussy, ass), eating out/fingering pussy, cuddles

A knock sounded at Autumn’s door. “Come in,” she says, looking up from her desk.

The door opens to admit three new people. Autumn stood up from the desk to greet them.

“We’re the bodyguard and maids that Miss Asta hired. She said to report here.”

“Miss Asta”, or Autumn's mom, is often away on business trips. For her upcoming month-long stay on the east coast, she had decided that she should staff the house. Additionally, some secret company events made her hire bodyguards for herself and her daughter. Autumn repeated to her that she’s in college and doesn’t need a babysitter anymore. But here they are.

Autumn pauses to size up the one who spoke first. She’s tall, with clearly defined muscles and beautiful dark brown skin. She’s dressed in a tie, button-up white shirt, crisp suit, and pants. Even her short hair says tough and formal. At the moment, she looks a little unsure right now under Autumn’s scrutinizing gaze.

Autumn smiles warmly. “I’m Autumn, it’s nice to meet you. What are your names?”

“I’m Vivian,” the first one says, bowing.

“Lilac,” the smaller maid says.

“And I’m Cadence, they/she. Miss Asta assured me that my pronouns are fine.” Both of the maids curtsy. Autumn nodded reassuringly, indicating that their pronouns wouldn’t be a problem.

Autumn observes the two maids next. They’re both dressed in stereotypical cute maid dresses. Lilac is short and has long straight black hair gathered in a high ponytail. Autumn can tell she’s attached to Cadence and a little nervous.

Cadence is closer to Autumn’s height. Her short curly brown hair and minimal makeup gives the impression of androgyny. They carry themselves with an air of confidence.

They’re all so cute. Maybe Autumn could get used to this. She moves over and sits down on her bed. “Please, have a seat. It’s too awkward when you stand in the doorway like that.” She casually pats the bed.

Autumn takes in the mixture of emotions on their faces. Vivian looks a little caught off guard, with another emotion Autumn couldn’t quite read—curiosity? Her professional demeanor is tough, sadly. Lilac and Cadence look various parts confused and unsure. They all sit in the beanbag chairs near the bed, and Autumn does her best to hide her disappointment.

Vivian, with all the professionalism she could muster while sinking into a purple beanbag, says, “Miss Asta told me to be around you 24/7. Wherever you go, I go.”

“That’s okay, this bed is big enough for both of us,” Autumn replies. “Though, how does that work when I need the bathroom?”

To her delight, the mask slips for a second, but Vivian quickly recovers, though she can’t quite get the blush off of her face. “I have a cot that I’ll set up on the floor, and I’ll be stationed outside any bathroom or stall you’re in.” Still, Autumn noticed the look in her eye. Vivian is clearly looking at Autumn in a certain way. Maybe it has something to do with her old tank top and shorts that she wore because she didn’t expect anyone to see her like this, or maybe it’s the way she’s lazily sprawled on the bed.

“Oh, that won’t do. I’d hate for you to be uncomfortable while you sleep. Trust me, it’ll be fine. Plus, you’re supposed to be by my side at all times, right?” She makes a fake look of innocence before turning to the maids, not giving Vivian a chance to respond. “And you, dears? I do have this extra bed that I can clear the plushies off of. I’ve been using it as a sofa, since it’s so comfy.”

Lilac only blushes and tries to stammer something, but Cadence is faster. “Thank you, miss.” They seem to have picked up on how to respond based on Autumn’s interaction with Vivian. A quick learner.

“Well, I feel like going out for an early dinner. Lilac, Cadence, won’t you come with us?”

“Oh, well we have a lot to do around here. We should stay,” says Lilac.

Autumn rolls her eyes. “I know you’ve probably been running around all day already. You deserve a break.” She rises from the bed, sorting through her wardrobe of dresses. The maids take this as a signal to wait outside, but Vivian seems unsure what to do. Autumn just pulls off her top, getting a good reaction from Vivian as she quickly turns and heads for the door.

“What’s the matter, dear? You’re supposed to be with me at all times, remember?” She pulls her shorts off too.

“It’s just… you’re changing, and I—”

“It’s okay, don't worry. Plus, we’re both girls, right? Not a big deal. Oh, can you help me with the zipper on this? It’s always a pain to reach myself.”

Autumn’s back is turned to Vivian, but she can see her red face in one of the mirrors to the side. Vivian quickly zips up the dress, then gets even more flustered as Autumn takes her hand and leads her out of the room. As she does, Autumn traces a finger on Vivian’s shorter index and middle nails, causing Vivian to look away in embarrassment.

At the restaurant, Vivian had insisted on sitting next to Autumn to better protect her. Though maybe there were other motives in that decision, as Autumn is very aware of Vivian’s eyes on her as she makes small talk with everyone. She did choose this dress on purpose, after all, and the revealing sleeveless nature of it seemed to be working. Even Lilac and occasionally Cadence stole glaces when they thought they could get away with it.

“Is there something wrong?” Autumn asks suddenly.

“Miss Autumn?” Vivian sounds concerned, looking around. Good, she’s still thinking of her job.

“No, it’s just that you three keep looking at me like there’s something on my face or chest. Did I get crumbs stuck there?” She leans forward as she does, causing her breasts to wiggle slightly and giving them a better view of her cleavage.

Oh, she’s really enjoying teasing them. Vivian mumbles something that sounds like “Nothing”, and suddenly becomes focused on scanning the room. Lilac has the cutest deer-in-the-headlights stare, and Cadence is suddenly absorbed with their salad.

“You three have been acting off for a bit now,” she continues. “If there’s an issue with me, I’d like to hear it. I really don’t want to come off as strict and overbearing, and I want to treat you like people. So tell me what’s on your mind.”

Vivian speaks first. “I—well, it’s slightly embarrassing. And I’d rather tell you in private…”

Autumn laughs to herself. This girl loves speaking up and making her situation worse. “But you all are giving me the same look, so you must have similar issues. Can you share with everyone? They may have the same problem.”

Vivian turns slightly red, before stammering, “We’re in public…”

“I happened to choose a booth meant to make it harder for others to hear without visibly approaching our table. The restaurant made these for important, more private conversations. Now speak your mind, dear bodyguard.”

Vivian swallows. “But it still feels wrong to say it here…”

Cadence comes to her rescue. “Forgive me for speaking out of turn, miss, but we could save it until we’re back at home if she really doesn’t feel comfortable.”

“Alright. And with me, there’s no such thing as ‘speaking out of turn’. Please, I’m so tired of that formal and emotionless bullshit. I don't mean to be harsh, but I've heard too much of it.”

“Yes, miss,” Cadence nods their head. She’s still being formal, but Autumn lets it slide. She moves on to a fun story about one of her cats who manages to get everywhere he shouldn’t be, causing mass havoc as cats do.

Back in her room, Autumn stretches. “I want to go for my usual nighttime swim,” she says, picking out the smallest bikini she has. Even the maids are too curious to leave without being told this time. Autumn deftly slips out of her dress, then starts stripping off her undergarments. She pretends not to hear a small eep come from Lilac while slipping the bikini on.

When she’s finished, she turns back to Vivian.  “Hmm, maybe it’s easier if we talk here first.” She reclines on the bed. “Sit.” She pats the bed again, and to her satisfaction, they all sit on the edge of the bed. “So what did you want to talk about?” She playfully pops up in between Vivian and Lilac, batting Vivian’s tie and adjusting the bow on Lilac’s back.

“It’s really embarrassing,” Vivian begins.

“Do go on,” Autumn encourages. She begins to lightly touch Vivian’s biceps, feeling how toned they are.

“What are you doing?” Her voice is suddenly a lot more unsteady.

“I’m examining my bodyguard’s muscles, of course. I need to feel that you're strong and capable. Now please continue.” At the same time, she takes Lilac’s hand in a gentle caress, causing the girl to shiver all over. Cadence almost immediately steals Lilac’s attention by squishing up against her and getting more risky with where they touch, so Autumn returns her attention to Vivian’s sexy muscles.

“Promise you won’t be weirded out or think less of me.”

“I promise, Viv. Now spill.” Autumn traces her hand up to Vivian’s neck, making her shudder a bit in excitement.

“Well, um, I just wanted to say something about you, is that all right…?”

Autumn grabs Vivian’s face in her hands. “Vivian, I order you to stop beating around the bush. What is it?”

“You’re—” she pauses, but manages to find the resolve to continue, “—beautiful and sexy and hot and—”

Autumn steals a glance at the maids, but their faces are a few inches apart, and she decides to let them be. “Oh, so direct. Good girl. Now, I do have to ask, why?” She presses closer to Vivian, her bikini against Vivian’s back.

Suddenly, Vivian spins, grabbing Autumn and forcing her back on the bed. Straddling her, Vivian mutters, “You want me to prove how strong I am? Well, you’ve been teasing us all day with your body and your words, and I can’t handle you anymore.” At this turn of events, the maids stop eating each other’s faces and crawl over to watch the show.

Autumn experimentally tries to move, but her hands are pinned down by an iron grip, and her lower half is immobilized from Vivian’s weight. “Now, that’s more like it, sugar.”

Vivian makes a sound somewhere between a groan and sigh. “See, this is what I mean. You’re completely helpless right now, and yet you’re such a tease. You’ve practically been begging for this to happen.” She moves Autumn’s hands over her head, easily slipping off her bikini. Then she notices how delighted Autumn’s face is, and tries a different strategy.

“Cadence, dear?” she says softly. “Do you know where any good rope is around here?” Cadence grins mischievously and opens Autumn’s cabinet, unearthing a couple coils from her underwear drawer.

“How did—” Autumn starts, but Cadence just giggles.

“It’s my job!” They toss the rope to Vivian, who expertly ties Autumn’s wrists above her head and to the headboard. Then Vivian turns away from Autumn while still straddling her.

“Good girl,” Vivian croons to Cadence. “Come here.” Cadence does, flushing, and Vivian grabs their face and pulls them in for a kiss. Cadence leans into it further with a whimper.

Lilac, watching the show with Autumn, gives a small sigh. Without letting up on the kiss, Vivian pulls Lilac in too and reaches down the collar of her maid dress, grabbing her breasts, and Lilac lets out a small surprised gasp of pleasure.

Autumn has no choice but to watch as they all make out and grasp each other on top of her. She tries to rub herself against Vivian’s knee, but Vivian ignores her for a while in favor of sticking her tongue down Lilac’s throat.

After what feels like forever, Vivian breaks a kiss with a very hazy-eyed Lilac to look down at Autumn, and Autumn can’t help but make a small sound, somewhere between satisfaction and fear.

“Oh, Autumn, is there something you want?” Vivian smiles sweetly. She dramatically trails her gaze down Autumn's body. “You’re soaking your bikini, dear.”

Autumn whimpers, silently pleading with her. Vivian’s grin only widens at the sound. “Honey, you should use your words. I can’t understand your little animal noises, as cute as they might be.”

Burning bright red, her freckles quickly disappearing, Autumn tries to swallow her pride. “Please, Viv. I want you. Take me.”

“Oh, sweetie, that isn’t enough. Be more specific.” To the side, Autumn notices Cadence and Lilac stripping each other and gets even more wet and slightly frustrated.

She summons all the authority she can, given her predicament, and firmly says, “Vivian, I order you to pleasure me and take me right now.” She does her best to squirm and yank at her bonds, but the rope holds fast and Vivian is heavy.

Unfortunately, Vivian is completely unfazed. She bends over, breasts a few inches from Autumn’s, and murmurs, “Do you really think you’re in any position to be giving orders here? I’m in charge here. Honestly, I’m your mistress, not the other way around. And I’m ordering you to describe exactly what you want.”

Once again, Autumn is turned on by Vivian’s words. Which only makes it even more annoying that she’s being denied. And to top it all off, the maids are being incredibly noisy next to her.

“Viv—” she pauses, but manages to completely throw pride out the window. “Mistress, I want you to force yourself on me and use my body like a pretty toy. I want to feel you inside me and know that I'm yours. I want you to have your way with me, and I want to enjoy every second of it.”

“That was so hot,” Cadence whispers, giggling, before the loud smacking sounds return and Lilac groans again.

Vivian pauses for an agonizingly long time, giving Autumn a look like she's considering her prey, before smiling again, to Autumn’s relief. “I suppose that will have to do. Now do you see how irritating your teasing is? How much easier it is to submit to me?” Her tone is still slightly playful, like she enjoyed the teasing a bit.

Cadence is on top of Lilac now, but they still find the time to stick their fingers in Autumn’s mouth. Autumn can clearly feel Cadence’s thrusts through their fingers as well as the bed. Lilac’s face screams complete bliss as Cadence sloppily kisses her and fucks her in her ass violently.

A slap across the cheek makes her yelp and bite down on the fingers in her mouth, and Cadence shivers in pleasure. “Attention on me, princess,” Vivian orders. She deftly slips the stained bikini bottom off Autumn, dropping it and the bikini top across her eyes. With sight taken away, Autumn’s even more aware of the sensation of Vivian caressing her nipples and leaving bites across her body. She’s distinctly aware of Lilac’s orgasm chasing Cadence’s. She can feel Lilac’s breath as she pants near her ear. Then she can’t hold her voice in anymore as Vivian begins sucking and biting her breast, and she moans softly. She can sense Vivian grinning in approval somehow, and is rewarded as Vivian slowly makes her way down her stomach.

The activity from the maids slows and stops after they both orgasm one last time. Soon, Cadence takes their fingers out of Autumn’s mouth and starts climbing over her, dragging their tip across her body and leaving a line of cum. From the other side, she can feel Lilac cuddle up against her, slowly and gently rutting against her hip.

Now Vivian reaches Autumn’s pussy, and gives one last kiss to her clit, before starting to gently lick. She continues to lick and kiss Autumn’s clit until Autumn is on the brink of an orgasm and then stops, leaving Autumn to melt into a pleading puddle, desperate for relief.

Cadence gently caresses Autumn’s chin, but it carries a certain weight of command. Guessing, Autumn opens her mouth and is rewarded with a coo of “Good girl” in her ear. Cadence moves again, removing the bikini still over Autumn’s eyes and replacing it with their ass. Then they slip their dick in Autumn’s mouth. The taste of both of her maid’s juices makes Autumn want to suck and lick more, which seems to please Cadence as they start making delicious moaning sounds. This pushes Autumn closer to orgasm again, but she can’t quite reach the sweet release she desires.

Soon, Vivian seems to decide that Autumn has suffered enough. Autumn can hear her open the bottle of lube and verbally expresses excitement as best she can with Cadence’s cock still in her mouth. Vivian finishes with the lube and easily lifts Autumn’s butt a few inches off the bed, bringing Autumn closer to her hips. She teasingly traces Autumn’s anus with her tip before slowly sliding in, then roughly grabs Autumn’s hips to shove all the way in. Autumn groans cutely at the feeling of being filled up by her bodyguard. Then Vivian starts to move, and Autumn clenches, speeding once again towards an orgasm. At the same time, Vivian immediately stuffs not one but two fingers in her pussy, causing her to nearly pass out from the sensation.

Autumn’s dimly aware of Vivian saying something, then senses Lilac moving down the bed towards Vivian. “Good girl,” Vivian whispers in between breaths. Lilac’s whimper in response sounds like heaven itself. Then even more angelic noises occur, and Autumn is left to her imagination as to what is happening there. Her best guess is Vivian toying with Lilac’s tits and probably more sloppy kissing to match.

Cadence lets out an almost primal groan as they finish straight into Autumn’s mouth. Still panting, they lean down to Autumn, forcing her mouth closed and getting her to swallow. A few moments later, Vivian also cums, pushing Autumn over the edge too. Then the room is mostly silent, everyone panting, before Vivian goes for another round.

Several hours later, all their energy spent, the four lie in a tangled pile on the bed. Vivian spoons Autumn as Cadence spoons Lilac, and the two little spoons cuddle.

“Thank you all, that was amazing,” Autumn says, shivering a little at the memory.

“I hope I didn’t overstep or anything,” Vivian mumbles into Autumn’s hair.

“No, it was perfect. Let’s do that more often.”

Cadence says, “But of course. We’re your maids after all, we’re here to service you. Though Lilac here does enjoy being serviced instead.” At this, Lilac blushes and squirms, eliciting giggles from the other three.

“Anything for you, my Autumn,” Vivian says in a sultry voice, caressing Autumn’s cheek and easily making her into just as a flustered mess as Lilac.

“I hate that work kinda gets in the way, but can we be girlfriends?” Autumn asks tentatively.

The maids nod, but Vivian, still using her extremely hot tone, says, “You’re going to have to beg for it like a good girl.”

Autumn pouts for a few seconds before Vivian starts laughing. “Of course, Autumn. I just can’t help but tease you. We can all date if that’s what you want.”

Autumn sighs contentedly before kissing each of her girlfriends sweetly and drifting off to sleep in their arms.

[munson-blurbs]

hi ^^ can you do best friend!eddie teaching virgin!reader how to give head ?? like she’s so curious how it all works and i feel like eddie would be so vocal omg like so instructional while trying to keep his cool lol

I know this trope has been done a lot, so I hope y'all enjoy my take on it 💚

Warnings: smut (18+ only, minors DNI), oral (m!receiving), fem!Reader, kinda perv!Eddie, mention of weed, Eddie & Reader are both over 18

WC: 1.8k

--

The cafeteria is buzzing with conversation, including the table where you sit amongst the Hellfire boys. Mike and Lucas are arguing over something–you can’t be bothered to pay attention to their constant squabbles anymore–while Dustin is whining about his failing Spanish grade to Gareth and Jeff.

The only ones not talking are you and, surprisingly, Eddie. He’s nibbling on a pretzel, reminding you of one of the bunny rabbits that congregates in your yard. You’re not exactly sure why he’s so quiet, but you take this opportunity to whisper, “Can we go out to your van for a sec?”

His eyebrows pinch together in confusion; if you wanted weed from him, you would wait until after school hours to buy. Well, buy wasn’t the right word, considering Eddie always gave you yours for free.

“Yeah, sure,” he says, sliding his chair back from the table without bothering to push it back in. If one of the meathead jocks happens to trip over it and twist an ankle before their precious game, that’s not his problem.

You wait until you’re outside, away from anyone who could possibly overhear the absurd request you’re about to make, before you start speaking. “So, um, you know how I have that date tonight? With Mark?” you ask, biting your lower lip nervously. You can taste the strawberry gloss that you’d reapplied after finishing lunch.

Eddie’s already digging through the glove compartment for the baggie he keeps stashed away. “You want some for him, too?” His tone is impatient; irritated, even, as he pulls out the blunt he’s already rolled for you. “Because I only brought one.” For you, he adds silently.

“Wha–oh, no; I didn’t need any weed,” you tell him, shaking your head before dropping your gaze to the gravel beneath your feet. “It’s our third date, and I was thinking he might wanna…y’know…do stuff?” You cringe at the phrasing, but press on. “But I…I don’t really know how.”

“Sweetheart, if you’re confessing your virgin status to me, I already know,” Eddie says with a smirk. “I mean, we’ve been friends for a million years. If you did it and didn’t tell me, I’d be pissed.”

You manage a giggle at his candidness. “Nope, still a virgin,” you report miserably. “And last time, he asked me to give him head, but I told him I had to get home. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t wanna do it wrong.”

Eddie shrugs. “Just don’t use teeth,” he replies casually. “Other than that, there isn’t much you can do wrong.” He starts back towards the school, pausing when he realizes that you’re not by his side. “Look, I don’t have any other tips. I’ve only ever been on the, uh, receiving end of dick sucking.”

“Yeah, well,” you mumble, shoving your hands in your pockets and brushing the toe of your sneaker against the ground, “that’s kinda what I wanted to ask you. I was thinking that maybe I could…practice on you?”

Eddie’s eyes practically pop out of his head. “You…you wanna do what?”

“Forget it. It’s stupid, I’m sorry. Can we never talk about this again?” Tears well up in your eyes, and you try to blink them away before he can notice. What were you thinking? Asking your best friend if you could give him a blowjob?

“Hey, no, I just wanted to make sure that’s what you meant.” He smiles, letting his hand graze yours. “Do you mind…in my van?”

You nod, returning his smile with your own shy one. “Um, yeah. I mean, no, I don’t mind. I can give you head in your van.” 

Eddie swallows a lump in his throat, opening the back door and helping you inside. He lays down on the shag carpet–the one you always tease him about–and pats his thigh. “C’mon over.” He watches as you timidly straddle his waist, trying not to sit down on his lap. “You’re not gonna crush me, y’know,” he jokes lightly. “And even if you did, s’not like I’d be mad about it.”

You hesitate but ultimately let yourself rest on him; immediately, his cock starts to stiffen, and you pull back. “Shit, I-”

“S’okay,” Eddie says, tilting his head. He’s not about to let you know that this isn’t the first time you’ve gotten him hard; just the first time you know about. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Fingers fumbling with his belt, you pull on the strip of leather until the shiny metal clasp unhooks from its notch. He undoes the silver button on his pants but lets you tug his zipper down until you get a glimpse of his blue-and-white checked boxers. “Can I take these off?” you ask.

“Y-Yeah, ‘course,” he stutters, sitting back on his elbows to give you more leverage. You have to keep yourself from gawking at his hardened length as it rests against his Iron Maiden shirt, tip leaking a pearly bead of pre-cum. He mistakes your awe for nerves, and he quickly adds, “if you changed your mind, I’m not gonna be mad or anything–”

“No,” you shake your head. “I just d-don’t know where to start.”

Relief visibly floods his body. “I like being teased a little. Like, kissing it or licking it–holy fucking shit.” His train of thought is abruptly cut off when your tongue flattens against the base of his shaft, dragging upwards until you reach the head. His lithe fingers grab onto the collar of your cotton t-shirt, twisting the fabric around them just to steady himself. 

“Like that?” you ask, giving him eyes that are far too innocent for someone who just coated his dick with her saliva. 

“J-Jus’ like that,” Eddie nods, gripping your shirt tighter as your lips brush against his length with tiny, measured pecks. “And then you’ll wanna–fuck–wanna focus on the tip. Wrap your lips around it, there you go.” His toes curl as you lower your mouth, licking at the saltiness. “Make, like, circles w-with your tongue.” 

You do as he says, feeling him twitch against your parted lips. A wanton moan escapes him, and it’s music to your ears. A sign that you’re doing something right. 

“When you’re ready—Jesus H. Christ, your mouth feels s’fucking good—hollow out your cheeks and kinda…glide down? I dunno, all the blood is rushing to my dick right now.”

You blanche as you reposition yourself, glancing at his girth. “Eddie, I…I don’t think I can fit all of you in my mouth.”

His fingernails could tear through your shirt with the grip he has. “Shit, y-you can’t say that. Actually, you can. Tell me how fuckin’ big I am, baby.”

Baby. You try not to let this new pet name distract you as you say, “you’re huge, Eddie. I won’t be able to take it.”

“Yeah? Gonna choke on my cock?” Eddie growls, momentarily forgetting his role as oral sex tutor. “S-Sorry. Um, if you can’t, you can use your hand to help you out.”

“Okay,” you nod, crouching back down. One hand rests on his thigh while the other wraps around the base of his dick. He hisses at your touch, and you smile despite the butterflies in your stomach. 

“M-Might help if you spit on it. My, um, my dick.”

The trail of saliva drips down until it reaches his wiry patch of pubic hair. You swirl your tongue around his tip a few more times for good measure before opening your mouth a bit wider and bringing your head down. 

“Thassit, keep doin’ that. Don’t worry about getting it all; jus’ do what you can.” His knees tremble as you move a bit faster. “You can do the t-tongue thing when you come back up. I really like that, fuck.” 

You want to ask about the pace: is it too fast? Too slow? But when you lift your gaze to meet his—your lips still on his length—he lets out a whimper. A fucking whimper. 

“Yes, look at me, baby. Look at me while you blow me,” he pants. “Wanna see your cute little mouth stuffed full of my cock.” And if that wasn’t enough, what he says next could stop a bullet in mid-air: “You’re better than I ever imagined.”

That’s enough to warrant you to ask a follow-up question, and Eddie could cry when you pull away. “You imagined this?”

“Mhm,” he squeaks out. “Wanted you f’so long. Please just keep going. Please don’t stop.”

So you don’t. You find your rhythm, using his groans and twitches to find what he really likes. It’s messy and different but so fucking right. 

“Hnng, baby, ‘m gonna cum. You might wanna—”

But you shake your head gently, not wanting to break the momentum you’ve built. You lock eyes with him, silently telling him that it’s okay.

“Fuck, you’re perfect. You can spit it out if you don't wanna swallow, pretty girl. B-but ‘m about to c-cum—fucking shit!” You take as much of him as you can until you start to gag, and you feel his hot release hit the back of your throat. It’s a lot; much more than you’d anticipated, but you swallow it all. 

Eddie stares at you incredulously, momentarily speechless. “Did you just…?”

“Was I not supposed to?” The intimacy of it only dawns on you now. He’s just teaching you, and now you’re going on a date with someone after swallowing his cum. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

He barks out a laugh. “Do not apologize for that. Just wasn’t expecting it.” He sits all the way up, adjusting his softening dick and re-fastening his pants. “So…that’s how you give a blowjob. Any questions?”

There’s an awkward silence as you contemplate, ultimately deciding to ask. I mean, you’d just performed oral sex on him; he could answer a measly personal question. 

“When you said you wanted me for so long…did you mean that? Or were you just saying it?”

Eddie’s gaze is suddenly glued to the van floor. “Look, you’re with Mark now. I can’t…”

“Did. You. Mean. It?” You cross your arms over your chest, waiting for his response. 

He relents after a moment. “Yes, I meant it. I’ve had this big, stupid crush on you, but I kept making excuses not to ask you out, and then you got with Mark—”

You cut his rant short with a clumsy kiss, noses hitting each other as you press your lips to his. You stumble a bit and he catches you, bringing his hands to your hips. “I have a big, stupid crush on you, too,” you admit, “but I figured you would’ve asked me out if you felt the same way.”

This time, Eddie kisses you, soft and sweet. “I can taste myself on your lips,” he murmurs into you. One finger grazes your pants button. “Do me a favor?”

“Yes, I’ll cancel with Mark,” you say, teasing but truthful. 

“I mean, you fuckin’ better,” he laughs, but he shakes his head. “Nah, I need you to lie down f’me.”

Your brow creases. “Why?”

“A gentleman always returns the favor.”

--

[flagellant]

Would love to hear more about your rabid animal encounter!

It was in 2017 at the time and I was working out in the national forests of California. I came into work one day at my ranger's station and there was way more chaos than I expected--turns out that someone had reported a suspected rabid skunk overnight after it bit a dog in a nearby town and it'd been brought in for testing (which includes euthanasia).

I was super curious and had some free time before I needed to actually go out to do what I was assigned so I decided to watch some of the tests being done. I'd seen the vets take blood samples and such of wild animals in the station before--you use basically what amounts to a syringe at the end of a spear etc etc. But before it started getting messed with by us it still acted wrong.

First off: It was jittery and trembling. Wobbly is too cutesy a word--it was just slightly too intense to be wobbly. The wobbles were more twitchy and jerking, like it was constantly having to catch its balance, or it was constantly trying to react to every single minutiae of stimuli. It was also completely silent and utterly unafraid of any of us. This is one of the big markers of rabies: It fucks with an animal's brain to the extent that its fear receptors essentially rot away, because the virus wants the animal to come into contact with as many other animals as possible, and it can't do that if it's skittish. A nonrabid skunk SHOULD be huddled up in the farthest reach of the carrier curled up and scared out of its goddamned mind for being alien-kidnapped. This one just kinda ambled or stood wherever.

So anyway, we start taking blood samples, and by we I mean my coworkers because I am super unqualified for any medical treatment whatsoever of any animal.

The second the needle stuck into the skunk it stopped being a skunk and started being something else. It began writhing and jerking inside the carrier like it was trying to rip its own muscles and limbs apart to get away or get out, and the whole time it was shrieking and squealing so hard and constant that even outside the station it was loud. I've heard animals dying from predators before, I've heard skunks dying from predators before, they didn't scream like this one did. It screamed like it didn't know how to use its vocal chords or mouth, all it knew was pure unthinking noise.

Again, I'm sorry, but I really don't know how to describe the experience very well. The problem is that rabies doesn't make animals act like how they're supposed to. A nonrabid dog going absolutely apeshit is still going to recognizably act like a dog, just an absolutely apeshit one. A rabid dog going absolutely apeshit does NOT act the same. It acts with complete disregard and unawareness of both its surroundings and its own body. It isn't a living creature anymore, it's a breeding ground of rabies that has completely taken control over the dog and is now puppeting it around with the single purpose of spreading rabies everywhere it can. There's no fear, there's no thought, and I barely agree with calling what rabid animals experience as "aggression" because aggression in animals is a thing which fundamentally acts through motivation of stimuli and reaction. Aggression happens because the animal cares about what happens to the animal. Rabid aggression has absolutely no shits given about what happens to its host. It's awful.