#you can ignore me im just venting bc im frustrated and tired

[a-little-lostmoon]

some LU headshots in my style for personal reference. subject to change bc drawing consistently is a bitch but overall i think i’m happy w them! (ignore the comic/writing idea in the upper right corner it may or may not be made into a full think idk yet—)

typed notes for each lu member + a little extra below cut

wild—

oval eyes

rounder oval ((ish)) face

amber earrings

healed scarring

androgynous

i tried to reference the boys’ canonical character models to individualize their features more. i love botw and totk sm but personally i’m not the hugest fan of the way the characters look for it? even so, i think the rounder sort of eye shape works really well for my wild

his colors specifically i drew to be a bit more sunset kissed/orangeish bc i was referencing a wild photo in which the time was sunset. thats abt it. but i think it’s really pretty on him so i’m probably just keeping that whenever i draw wild

warriors—

cheek bones/jawline

rounder ears

pointy eyes ((eyeliner that could stab a person))

cheek scar bc i felt like it

i stole away some of wars’ side fringes, forgive me i couldn’t decide whether i wanted them to cover up his jawline and chickened out. if anyone actually read the comic thing you’ll see smth abt the old man and wars talking abt how his hair parted to the other side of his face during the war. i made it to ‘vent my frustrations’ bc i drew his hair part referencing HW photos of link instead of LU wars and it’s now become my headcanon.

his hair color is vivid bc HW color pallet is pretty damn vivid and his eyes & earrings are a deeper blue to match his scarf. color coordination!

anw he’s a pretty boy so i made him pretty — that’s pretty much the rest i have to say abt that

time—

tired eyes

longest ears

(slight) rbf

both time & legend have half circle/oval eyes ((kind of. at least that’s what i tried to go for to give them a more worn/serious look))

i’m not the best with differentiating ages. i tried to make him look a bit more worn/oldest but i also wanted all of them to still carry some of that classic pretty boy link look. don’t have much else to say but he has the longest/angular ears bc fairy boy. let’s pretend four’s don’t look longer than his i drew him later and forgot

twilight—

<-takes more features from malon ((who i haven’t drawn yet so you don’t have any reference on that))

pretty boy face (wasn’t intentional but it is what it is)

twilight princess link is v pretty. twilights usually one of the more rugged (for lack of a better term) looking ones bc he’s among the taller ones/apart of the “adult” squad but i accidentally made him very pretty looking. oops. don’t know if that will remain consistent for him if i draw him more so we shall see

him and time share less features than i might’ve wanted? you can see a bit of time’s jaw in the way his face curves but overall they don’t share many features. again, he takes more after malon. but their hair textures are incredibly similar if that means anything

gave him jade studs bc they reminded him of midna and are practical enough that he can just keep them in the whole time (bc he will lose them or forget abt them if he takes them off)

sky—

rounder face

big eyes

lips

big ears

his hair color was a bitch to get right im not sorry i had to say it color is so hard to work with. in any case! skyward sword link has bigger looking eyes cus of the style and i just ran w that. his earrings are magenta to match sun’s dress but look red when the light catches them right (or wrong ig bc they look red in dim light too) just bc i realized his earrings were red to match his outfit/crimson.

sky and the next three (everyone sans wind) probly look the least off their character models

legend—

oval iris

full rbf

multiple piercings ((this is important for u to know))

longer narrow face & features

boy’s a strawberry blond bc i said so. and also legend purple eyes propaganda. i don’t know where exactly that originated but like i love it and im on board. he also has purple stud earrings he always keeps in — curious, isn’t it. he probably has more than i gave him but well, thats all i gave him. it gets the picture across. hc that legend realized he couldn’t get more fingers for his rings but he could get more piercings that could handle jewelry that did almost exactly the same thing. practicality!

also i couldn’t decide on legend’s hair length. its all hidden by that hat of his so i just… didn’t draw the back half portion of his hair. does that make my legend bald at the back of his head? you decide.

hyrule—

wide face narrow chin

freckles!!!

bigger earlobes

the earlobes is me projecting /hj but i tried to reference the og link’s face shape for him which idk if i like yet. he has freckles and more accent colors in his hair and eyes which is a subtle thing but a sorta maybe reference to his fairy magic. no piercings for him! i forgot them/didnt see them on og link and can’t really imagine when hyrule would ever get the time to pierce them so he and wind can do that together eventually to bond. legend will do it probly — he obviously has the experience and wild can’t be trusted (offered to pierce winds ears with a knife canonically)

wind—

big eyes

void eyes

big ears but rounder than skys

soft face

fluffy hair

wind’s 100 yard stare *does* things to the chain but none of them tell him that because he’d definitely use it to freak people out. i couldnt decide between going lighter sun bleached hair wind or bright blinding yellow toon link hair so i kind of meshed them together to create that. tried to make him the youngest looking

four—

symmetrical angles ((and then i drew a polygon quadrilateral bc thats the shape i used as a reference)) for cheeks and eyes

minish feather ((earring))

minish ears & nose

hime bangs

yk the picture of a minish that comes up when googled? thats what i used as a reference for his features. ears specifically, nose somewhat. four’s eyes are usually the greyish hazel color you get from mixing all of their colors together but i liked the split look for this piece more. his hair color is also wind’s but inverted so wind’s lights are four’s highlights and his darks make up the brunt of the base color as a slight reference to how it’s occasionally theorized/hc that wind is four’s descendant.

and the hime bangs were bc i wanted a little more “link side fringe” variation and i thought the sort of straight cut looked nice. hime bangs are not the right term tho bc he parts them to the side and doesn’t have that straight cut on his forehead but i’m too lazy to fight the correct term

— thank u for reading, go hydrate and eat if you have not <3

[cactusdodes]

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[winterrose42]

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[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

(tw self-injury, being ignored??) sorry i just need to vent. i feel like no one listens to me, and if they do, they don't understand. they discredit me when i try to explain why i cant just do something bc of executive dysfunction and will outright deny what im saying about my own experiences, and it makes me so frustrated i hit myself. im so tired of people denying my reality and dismissing my struggles. thx for everything you mods do, have a lovely day/night <3

Hi anon, 

I am so sorry that it feels like no one listens to you. You deserve to be listened to. Executive dysfunction is very real (I also struggle with it). 

Your reality is real and valid. And your struggles are real and valid. 

Because you labelled this as a vent, I’m not going to put any resources/advice for the hitting yourself, but please know you can write back at any point if you want some advice for that. 

April

[willowistic22]

"It's Pacific, not Specific" for whoever you'd like?

Left this, and other prompts, untouched bcs online school is not letting me have time for myself most of the time wow love that :D no we don’t D: But I got this done finally and Im hopefully gonna be finishing more of the prompts quicker. Sorry for the delay guys! Fun fact: I wrote this and fully ignored my teacher lol. I am not a good role model I know but I live by that!

Requests prompts and a ship or just a character in general! Will take some time to get to them but I’ll try my best to do it :) Or not I’m not the boss of you hehe 

Years of dating and now nearly one year married, the couple hasn’t really gone on a honeymoon. For the entirety of their marriage, they haven’t gotten the chance to even travel. They say they’re busy, which they aren’t wrong. Getting used to a life with someone you commit to for a lifetime is a huge change, even if you’ve known each other for so long.

But now that they’ve steadied their financial situation, adapted to a new schedule, and fully decorate their new apartment, Mush insists they finally get to the honeymoon on their list of ‘cheesy things newly married couples do that I’m forcing Blink to do with me’. Blink laughed it off the first time he heard it, thinking it as a joke. It was definitely not a joke when Mush finally shows him the clipboard he made in his free time. 

Well, Blink isn’t going to complain. Traveling is fun. Now, deciding where to travel is a whole different thing. 

“France?” Blink pointed to the map of its location. He is seated in front of the kitchen island, while Mush is busy cooking them dinner. The sizzling noises mostly has his attention but he heard Blink loud and clear. 

“Paris, France? Or another city?” Mush called, slightly twisting his head just enough to get his voice across but kept his eyes on the food to avoid burning it. 

“Well, we could go to another city if you’d like” Blink explained, now directing his focus to his laptop as he types in the city name for further research, “There’s  Champs-Élysées, the Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame, Louvre Museum...” 

“So the cliche touristy attraction” Mush simplified, twisting his body to face his husband. 

“Well, we don’t necessarily need to go to all the tourist attraction!” 

“Hmm... I heard the countryside is beautiful...” 

Blink leans his body, hope resonating his manner as he watches him intently coming up with an answer. 

“Maybe we should keep looking” 

Blink rolls his eyes and scoffs, slouching his back along with it. “Mush, I’ve listed 43 different countries all around the globe-” 

Mush laughs at himself, listening to Blink going on a mini venting session whilst also trying to suppress his anger. He fully stops his cooking to take a full look at the blond sitting behind the kitchen island. 

“-all with different characteristics from each other, by the way! And you’re telling me, you don’t want to go to any of those countries?!” 

Mush wasn’t sure if he was suppose to answer this truthfully. Because the truth is: none of the places Blink listed sat right with him for their terribly belated honeymoon. He isn’t sure why, some of those countries are on his traveling bucket list. 

Blink scoffs, jaws dropped down to the floor. He’s at lost for words and ends up not bothering to find an answer to that, dragging his gaze back to his laptop screen. 

“Well, I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to go there!” Mush defended himself, dropping the hand to his sides holding the spatula, “I just... don’t feel like it fits for our honeymoon... you know?” 

To that, Blink’s senses shot up. He lifts his face to give his husband a troubled look after hearing that statement, “How does ‘Bali’ not fit for a honeymoon? It’s a stereotypical beach honeymoon place!” 

“Well... I... I don’t know!” Mush said through his laugh, shrugging his shoulders with his hands as a means to show how clueless he is. 

Blink breathes out the frustration and back to his usual calm composure. He sighs, curving his lips into a small smile with a lazy gaze directed to the chef, “Why don’t you tell me how you’d picture our honeymoon looking like”

They fully agreed to commit to this honeymoon, so there’s no taking back this decision. So the least Blink can do is be patient with Mush’s indecisiveness. Though, he was already preparing himself for this before they were even married.

“I want to go to somewhere small. Exploring the country sides perhaps?” Mush said as he turns the stove off seeing their food is properly cooked, “But then there’s that small part of me that wants to go somewhere quite busy and play in the beach! You see my problem here?”

Blink breathes out a chuckle through his nose, shaking his head with a hand perched on the kitchen island to hold up his tired head. His eye contact with him remains all while Mush moves around the kitchen to set up their food.

“Hey, you mentioned Hawaii, right?” Mush said, “That sounds nice, y’know. We can look deeper into it”

As the sizzling stops the moment Mush sets their food on a serving plate, Blink’s typing on his laptop now occupying the void.

“Well, there’s a lot of things we can do there” Blink called out once the tab fully loaded for him to decipher.

“Yeah, I mean, there’s the cuisines, the culture...” Mush exclaimed while setting their food on the dining table, “... Just a quick trip across the specific ocean!”

Blink shot his senses up to that, not sure if he heard it right. He turns his body to see Mush by the dining table, minding his own business as if he did not just say that. A grin slowly formed on his face, “Come again?” 

“What?” 

“Say that again, I wanna hear it one more time” 

Mush’s confusion decorates his face upon hearing that. He stops his actions and wait for further explanation from him. 

“It’s Pacific, not specific!” Blink laughed out.

That just adds on to his confusion, tilting his head to the side, “Ain’t that what I said?” 

“No! You literally said ‘specific’!” Blink answered as he continues to laugh, “Is that how you thought it’s pronounced this whole time?!” 

Mush is still visibly confused. He could’ve sworn he said ‘Pacific’, yet his husband is proclaiming otherwise. 

“I did not say ‘specific’! I know how to pronounce ‘Pacific’, alright!” Mush finds himself getting sucked in to his laughter. 

Blink stops his laughing and looks at Mush intently with a sweet smile. The humor of it hasn’t left him but he’s able to hold it back to properly speak up, “Whatever you say I guess” 

The big question still looms between them but Mush pulls Blink away from his laptop to have a peaceful dinner. The spaghetti is going to turn cold if they don’t eat it now. 

“Mykonos!” Blink suddenly announced after swallowing his last bite, eyes lit up under the huge orange lights hovering over the table. 

Mush simply tilts his head at it. The sudden outburst got him confused since they weren’t having a conversation. Blink takes his silence, and still visible confusion, as a sign to explain even further. 

“It’s an island in the Cyclades group in the Aegean Sea. It has lots of beaches and can probably be considered as small” Blink continues on. He pushes his chair back and gets up while balancing his dirty dishes to put it in the sink for later clean up. 

Mush follows him putting away his own dirty dishes before following Blink to perch behind his laptop again. He shows Mush a small review by someone from their vacation to Mykonos he found in the internet. 

He reads the text carefully, squinting his eyes a little. Blink watches full of hope that their big question will finally be answered. 

“Okay, this should be fun!” Mush exclaimed, earning a sigh of relief from the blond on the stool. Mush simply laughs at the dramatic act before he walks towards the sink since tonight is his turn on doing the dishes. 

While the water flows down to wash off the plates, Blink can be heard typing away on his laptop now that he can finally proceed to the second step of their honeymoon plan. Mush occasionally answering the questions Blink asks to fill in more of the blanks. They’ve made much more progress in their plan in one night than the time when they haven’t decided where to go weeks ago. 

[dead-thorin]

man this might be mean but like

So a friend messaged me to vent and told me how his friend group in his program have been purposely excluding him from study sessions, even though they know hes struggling with some material. He was understandably super upset about that and we talked it out a bit. Heres the thing: I didnt know how to tell him its because hes like, not the greatest friend. Like i tried to get to that point without saying it, bc hes already down, but i dont think it clicked

it was just so frustrating because like

He never answers texts. If he does its days, weeks, sometimes months later and thats so fucking annoying. Like i get it, I have a lot of anxiety about that as well, but at the same time i push myself to answer it. If I dont, at the most, i apologize, let them know whats going on if that matters, and try to make it up to them in some way (eg with one friend i try and call her within the next few days so we can catch up). At the least? I try and make sure people know beforehand that im busy, stressed, anxious, etc and i might not answer asap. Do i always get it right? No, but i always try and do better and if the person has a real problem, we reassess boundaries. 

I dont expect everyone to do all that, but at the same time i never know whats going on with him and can never tell why hes not answer. Is he stressed/busy? Does he not care and is ignoring me? Like thats part of the problem as well: when i dont hear back from my friends, i just think theyre busy, they dont have the energy, etc and if they dont hear back from me, they think (or at least i hope they do) that im busy at the moment or just cant, but know ill get back to them eventually. With him, i never think that, which makes me second guess if were even friends, which makes it even harder to be his friend.

And that last part really bothers me, because im good with lowkey friendships!!!! I have friends who i dont talk to for months at a time, then we catch up for at least an hour, maybe talk a few times afterwards, then theres a lull. And im always cool with it, bc people are busy and i know were both on the same page that were friends. So in theory, id be much more ok with this friendship if he actually showed that we were like good enough friends for this. Maybe him ranting at me shows that because like, fuck dude, i know people come to me with intense problems and shit, but the fact that you didnt seem to go to anyone else first? It was also late at night and i was online so maybe that was why, maybe he did reach out to other people, idk

Because he doesnt answer, making plans is not even remotely possible. He mentioned he had tried to make plans before, but they fell through, and I believe him! But at the same time, im like how often? How often did you cancel from other people’s plans, or ghost people, etc? Because that affects whether people want to hang with you!!! Why waste your time with someone who doesnt want to do anything with you unless its their set plan, that might not even happen?

Im totally cool with people ranting at me about something, but he ended it with saying that i can rant to him any time and i literally thought lol no i cant what the fuck are you talking about. If i ever did, hed never answer. And that shit matters because, again, why bother trying to be friends with someone whos actions dont match their words? I texted him the night before the election asking if he was gonna be ok and i havent heard back. Honestly, its not that i dont care, but im also just like tired lol

Hes mentioned to me before that he has a hard time keeping friends and im just like dude, does someone have to slap you in the face with the answer? He knows he has to work on at least some of this shit, esp the texting, but he doesnt go to therapy or anything. 

Like i didnt want to hit him with all of this, but i dont know what its gonna take for him to realize this shit. The past few times weve texted, he initiated bc im literally being tired of ghosted and that last text will probably be the last time i text him first 🤷🏻‍♂️ Like i try to be as understanding as possible, and i enjoy low key friendships, esp if theyre long distance and were both busy, but Jesus, even i have my limits

And i genuinely feel bad bc hes having such a hard time with that happening, he lives in a relatively conservative area, he doesnt like his program but has to ride it out somewhat bc of his fellowship, etc. Idk, I just hope something good happens to him soon or something or he learns to like deal with this shit and maintain friends

[bloodwarmed]

hey rowan,

ive read the novel, though im not as familiar with NG and TP's other works, so thanks for providing info on their style and reader reception. im aware that the cast and NG have been very open and fan-friendly on social media, which i do commend them for - thank you for giving additional insight to the context of the drama adaptation and the fanbase,, especially NG's reasoning that their romance deviates from a recognizable human dynamic given their status as cosmic beings, which is new to me.

given the novel's lack of outright romance, and the desire to stay faithful to the original text since TP cannot consent to significant changes, i can understand the absence of explicit on-screen confirmation that they are in a r/s. I am on the same page as you regarding this. 

When I made this post, I was reacting to a specific fan reading / appraisal of gomens - to see the absence of explicit affection and read it as revolutionary. In my subjective view, taking into consideration this absence of *explicit* confirmation + the presence of elements that allow for romance to be disavowed (e.g. crow yelling 'they killed my best friend'), the show remains appealing to a wide audience regardless of intent. I need to emphasize that I don't think N.G. or the showrunners owe the viewers anything,, the crux of my post's frustration is with viewers who read this as a win for diversity (that is, giving visibility to a marginilized group) when i think the effect is more ambiguous...

On a personal note: I do apologize for naming gomens specifically when they are not the best example for this problem - a post regarding it happened to cross my path. I am very tired of the fan trend of reading something arguably done to be palatable to conservatives / something where the gay rep can be ignored, and it gets praised as progressive. This is however largely informed by frustrations and envy WRT my own cross-cultural media consumption. E.g. the danmei novel M/D/Z/S is produced in PRC where gay censorship is very strict and the host site keeps getting shut down bc of homophobic law enforcement. Like gomens, it got a live action drama adaptation recently, and so far it's had to tone down the romance bc of chinese censorship. Less informed viewers have been accusing it of queerbaiting bc of this,, but the truth is the whole production will get shut down if it depicts explicit gay content. So when i see works produced in a 'progressive' environment that can be LGBT as it wants > doesn’t exercise it > still gets a medal for rep, I'm annoyed. Again, sorry for mis/directing this annoyance to gomens.

Also, I had hoped that me not tagging - or even naming in full - the charas and the series ("crow", "azi", and “gomen”), and me tagging "discourse /" was an adequate indication that I was just looking to vent and not to argue / defend my position. I'm quite uncomfortable with your decision to reblog your disagreement instead of messaging me privately, but I do suppose i forfeited that right to privacy by making a vent post instead of PM-ing my friends... I'll try to be clearer and tag do not interact / rb next time.

me at people who read crow x azi teasing w/o explicit confirmation of them being in a r/s on the gomen tv series as "homoromantic asexual rep"

[xelere]

tw long rant cus i need to breathe

wow the fight i had with dad that made me depressed af.... i had it now with my white brother and his wife and partly with my mom too

they talked abt having their kids kidnapped would be the worst and i jokingly said ”haha thats me” cus i need to deal with it

and my brother starts to lecture me and then just completely insensitive says ”but werent you abandoned on the streets i dont think china-” oh here we go again

my kind but weak mom goes; ”no actually a police station” as if that was any better??? she has NEVER stood up for me, no one has. maybe she wants to and agrees with me cus shes the smartast in our family but she never had the GUTS to and the same for my other brother they be agreeing or at least UNDERSTANDING and maybe RESPECT me a little but nor enough to ever have mt back those fkn pussies

then we start to fight and i start to cry again cus im so FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY of having a white family and i CANT EVER REST I CANT REST ANYWHERE WHERE IS MY FUCKING SAFE SPACE CAN I BREATHE

and then his wife goes ”but linn.... now im getting angry you cant just accuse him of being subtle racist!!” and shes always quiet an i always thought she was lile smarter than my stupid brother but obviously.... not

and i just give up.... im a fcking minority in my own family. not to get too personal but my little sister would never have the guts to do this cus shes afraid of conflicts. i ALWAYS have to shut the fuck up in family reuinions. and just because i came with trauma, i was an angry and anxious baby, always screaming and thanks to that being labelled as ”problematic and annoying and angry” by everyone who didnt know how to handle me - thanks to that people STILL think they have the right to silence me. im a grown ass woman, im fucking 19 years old and everyone in my family still rolls their eyes at me and goes ”but linn....”

im so fucking tired. im so fucking tired. and i say that. i tell them im tired and that this is why i want to die cus thats exactly why and my brother starts to laugh and like.... accuse me and shit for not ving grateful cus he wants ro defend mom or smth like.... excuse me youre her fucking biolocigal son you have your own fkn mother right here and everyone in this ugly country looks and thinks wxacrly like you

honestly im too tired to write all this shit down cus i could go on for ages in literalky gonna WRITE A FUCKING BIOGRAPHY ONE DAY IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED I GOT NO FUCKING WHERE TO VENT GOD I HATW MY FAMILY I GET IT HAVING AN ASIAN ANTIBLACK CLASSIST HOMOPHPBIC FAMILY WOULD BE BAD TOO BUT LIKE....... at least it would be my family at least they would look like me and not be racist against me?

and what makes me the most sad is that my adoptive family is still better than like 90% the only difference eis that most adoptees dont dare to ”come out” like this, criticizing their own adoption bc ffs we’re terrified of being abandoned. its just....... theyre so fucing dumb. they dont know shit about racism or adoption and like.... thats kinda essential. no one repsects me in this family except for my mom but shes a fucking coward, always in the middle. everyone else talks down on me and i didnt notice like YESTERDAY DURING MY LAST BREAKDOWN THAT WASNT ABT ADOPTION BUT WAS ABT MY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DAD AND HOW I REALIZED HE ALWAYS TREATED ME AND MY SISTER LILE SHIT AND BLAMES MY TRAUMA ON ME SO NOW MY WHOLE FAMILY TREATS MW LIKE A PROBLEMATIC WEIRD KID

i want to leave this family so sad but i dont have any friends cus im too mentally unstable to keep friends and i also have a little sister i need to protest but FOR FUCKSS SAKE TOURE RUCKING 15 AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BISEXUAL IS like im so done with her too, ive proteced her so much, just because i WAS the angry problematic kid i ALWAYS took the fights for thet cus shes a scared rabbit but she never give me a thank you, never says she appreciates it, always throwing me under the bus when dad accuse us of something and i used to accept it cus i know she was too scared of him BUT AGTER ALL THIS TIME AFTER EVERYTHING IVE DONE FOR HER SHES FUCKING 15 SHE KNOWS I HAVE HER BACK IVE BEEN PRTOEVTING HER EVER SINCE THEIR DIVORCE WHEB OUR GROWN ASS ADULT 21+ BROTHERS LEFT US AND I WAS LIKE FUCKING 11 YEARS OLD I PROTECETED HER AND I NEVER GET ANYTHING AND IF I STOP TALKING TO HER SHE WONT EVWR TALK TO ME BECAUSE THATS HOW ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS WORK

i lost all respect for my brother. i knew he was a racist dumbass but like.... he really sig there and laugh and accuse me and guilt trips me when i tell him his dumb ignorant ass is the reason i want o die. this is why i wanna fake my suicide so i can revenge them but i also dont cus then i’d just give in and be one of all those adoptees who commoted suicide and whos gonna fight for them IF NOT ME CUS I ALWAYS DO FKN EVERYTHING. this is also why i low key think i got bpd or smth cus i always want to kill ppl like my family or myself or why not BOTH

cant wait for tomorrow where i have to face everyone and were gonna pretend like NOTHING happened. you know why i came here with my mom and visited??? BECAUSE I WANTED TO TAKE A PAUSE FROM MY DAD AFTER THE SIMILAR SUICIDE THREATENING PANOC ATTACK FIGHT I HAD LIKE YESTERDAY

i just gotta accept tjat my family is totally shit right? i just gotta live through it? this is why i never wanna have kids in sweden. like yeah i’ll probably still be in contact cus im only human, i love my parents and my family ofc.... but like........ I AM NOT TRUSTING THEM. MY REAL FAMILY IS HONESTLY OTHER WOC ONLINE AND OTHER TRANSRACIAL ADOPTEES (the smart oens not the whitewashed ones i try not to blame them but im really fkn tired lf having to protest them and clean up and defend them)

i remember when i was like this every single day....... i DONT WANT IT TO COME BACK IM SO TIRED HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO THREATEN WITH SUICIDE AND SHIT FOR MY FAMILY TO LIEK..... TAKE ME SERIOSULY NO ONE EVER HELPS ME I EVEN GAVE UP ON MY PARENTS I WANTED THEM TO READ ON RACISM BUT THEY REFUSED AT ELAST MY DAD, SO I KNOW I ONLY GO WITH STOP TRIGGERING ME BUT LIEK...... IVE THOUGHT SO MICH FOR MY MOM TO BE QHERE SHW IS TODAY WHOCH IS LIKE THIS COWARD BUT AT LEAST SHE CLMFLRTS ME AFTERWARDS AND IM TOO TIRED TO HAVE TO CONVERT AND EDUCATED MY WHOLE FKN FAMILY WHEN THEY DONT DO SHIT TO LEARN FOR ME

i just gotta smile and wave and pretend to love my brother when he didnt do shit when they divorced, mom got ptsd and i went through AT LEAST A THIRD ABANDONMENT, and he doesnt do shit now all he thinks about is how i accuse him of being racist cus he doesnt understand systems and structures which i blamed it on but tbh he’s the famiöy’s racist he really is hems always been cus hes so fkn stupid he’s joked abt muslims and chinese and black ppl and everything im only pretending its the systematic so my mom doesnt get angry lmao but he.... IS..... not ONLY like all the other white people..... but he IS...... for real

and giys..... i left so much of my anger out in this post cus im too tired and mt phone is gonna die but that vreqkdown i had recently....... i wrote like 50+ posts and theyre SOOOOO LONG and also more wellwritten im just saying to give you a perspektivet of how ISOLATED AND DESPERATE I AM IM DESPERATE BITCHES I HINESTLY THINK IM GONNA DIE IF I KEEP STAYONG HERE I WANT TO ASIA I WANT TO SOMEWEHRE MULTICULTURAL I WANT FRIENDS I AM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM DYING IM DYING AND IF IM DYING IM GONNA BRING DOWN MY WHOLE FAMILY AND EVERY WHITE PERSON AND EVERY NON ADOPTEE WITH ME

[mintyicee]

Warning: skip this post if want

It’s a rant...and i absolutely hate you tumblr app bc i had to redue this twice now! >:(

Anyway, I’m used to being ignored. Everyone around me since i was little to being a young adult now has left me to own thoughts and corner in my home since forever. Though i am partially to blame being an introvert and an absolutely horrible friend in keeping contact with friends online, I mostly do so if i feel no one wants to hear, see, speak, or look at me. I will personally disappear and hide myself bc i feel it will make others happy if i wasnt around. As if i didn’t exist. True, not everyone in your life will be around forever and true, being oneself is your greatest friend. But, as shy or quiet as i am, I love being around other ppl. I dont want to be around ppl 24/7 but i do want to connect with ppl i feel can appreciate me at my fullest and without feeling like im weird or the odd ball that doesnt belong.

With that being said, I may be USED to it but i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. As any human being would of coarse and a lot of ppl have it worse dont get me wrong. Making this rant already makes me feel selfish and in need of pity which isnt why im writing this. Simply put i want to push this anger out of me and get it out of my system bc i feel i cant move forward until i do so. And when it comes to my problems i suck at communicating it to others bc i feel they have much more important things to be doing then to babysit someone who is feeling down (but id drop everything to listen to others sadness bc i care way too much). 

I hate feeling like i did back when i lived in my hometown. Very lonely and sad. Constantly crying. I wouldn’t do anything all summer but cry in my room bc of how alone i felt. And i gave a very important part of me away just to make sure i had at least one person hanging around. I regret it very much but my efforts to hang out with the friends i saw at school outside of school would be very close to zero. Everyone is either busy or just low key didnt want to hang out with me. Tho i was lucky to have at least one friend I would see more in certain grades, it wasnt constant. And once all the drama with my nuclear family subsided, i was much more alone in the house than before middle school. 

I didnt have a cellphone or home phone, no internet either till i moved and started high school. The things that kept me going usually was my writing, music, and cartoons. Seriously being serious here. The way Id touch base with any of my school friends was to walk to their house and be lucky if they had time or were home. When i moved i had so much hope that Id find ppl to share and spend time with. Not only that but i was in the real world and no longer stuck in a house like a prisoner or place for that matter. But like stupid ppl or racists, the same ppl pop up everywhere as well as the loneliness i was hoping to leave behind. Only it came in a new form: even when im around others. I am/was happier here tho. No longer confined in my hometown house. But recently it feels like i am. This summer has been my loneliest since the move and the feeling like no one cares about me at all have all come back at my lowest and most crucial decision making time of my life. Not being in school this semester/school year is hitting me hard and no job call backs for a whole month now either. 

Partially my fault tho. The new friend crew ive been spending time with have been ignoring anything i said in the group chat. Id be skipped over and lately it feels as if im just upsetting certain ppl and end up talking about me behind my back. Really nothing new but I’ve just had enough of it. Like always I distanced myself and stopped talking all together. I’ve been more political upset in recent days due to certain issues on twitter but I’ve only been talking to my boyfriend and my mother. In hindsight tho, they really are my best friends. They are here for me at my highest and lowest no matter how many times i cry or how suddenly i get upset or frustrated. They are the ones to accept me for who i am. No one else has done this to the extent as they have and really thats all i need. Even if i dont get any other long term friends i dont care bc i know they will be by my side till the end. 

But I also want to say that if you didnt want to be my friend in the first place or you wanted me to initiate the conversation first then u should at least comment back at what im saying. If i said something dumb or something that didnt add to the convo then tell me dont just ignore me like im stupid. I refuse to be your “friend” that you only want around to be made fun of. I’ve been through a lot and yes ik u have your share of problems but if your going to only look at yourself and care about yourself then i dont need you. Im good without having that in my life. Ive had my fill of people who act like that to me. And im also tired of people who dont care about others and present issues. I CRY ABOUT PPL I DONT KNOW THAT ARE ON THE NEWS WHETHER NAMED OR NOT. HELL I CRY EVEN IF THEY ARENT ON THE NEWS! There are soooo many ppl who have it way worse than myself who suffer daily and im sick of hearing ppl dont care about the ppl and situations around them! I wont sit here making an excuse as to why i cant help its the same old issues no money (no job as mentioned above) hell even no car but that doesnt matter. I still pray! I pray for safety of others and i pray that ppl will be alright and i pray that things will get better! And also mentioned earlier, ive been reposting about current issues on twitter! This is small but i want to try!

So please if you had no intentions of sticking around me at any of my current moods, dont appreciate the person i am, or relatively dont give a fuck then dont involve yourself in my life. Yes it hurts to be alone but Id rather have that and be alone then FEEL ALONE WITH PPL IVE COME TO CARE FOR! Also, if I have helped you through thick n thin and you think u can pop into my life whenever you feel like it only to stop talking to me or purposely upset me and even threaten me? GTFO of my life and dont come back! Ever (yes this is about a certain friend who moved away and i helped not commit suicide that im holding a grudge at)!  And if you honestly are going to get upset at the actions ive done and say you do good things when you have zero sign of love for others in your hearts, live in a bubble of your own world, and follow the bible “word for word” get out of my face too bc i dont need ppl who say they are here to help others only to shun me if i dont constantly keep verses in my head or do things the way you want them to be and to have me fight my own demons while going against your beliefs and saying that im not doing what im supposed to (yes this is about church)! I DO THINGS AND CARE WAY MORE THAN YOU DO TRUST ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM EVER GOING TO SELFISHLY SAY SO BC ITS BETTER TO BE HUMBLE AND NOT ARROGANT. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU YET YOU GET TO JUDGE ME? NO I DONT THINK SO YOU SHOULD START AT LEVEL ONE AGAIN AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (still about church not friends here). Also dont worry about the level one thing; you would know what this means if you went to the same church. 

I’ve been couping with the idea that all i need is two friends. I’m so grateful and blessed to have them in my life and if im truly meant to have more than it will be so. I know two others of whom i need to apologize for hardly emailing or sending a message to. I feel so bad i have neglected them only bc ive been feeling so down about this and other issues (like before: school, no job/car, possibly changing career and life goals, etc) but really is no excuse. Welp I’ve said all i wanted to say for the moment. There is another topic i wish to vent about but it will have to be for another day bc i have no energy to complain about that topic. If anyone read all this im sorry i took time out of your day and that I hope you are doing well. I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest and to celebrate the good things not the bad that comes along. I just really needed to vent these emotions so i can finally concentrate on what i need to do. Thank you for listening <3