#yk why? bc we are friends! and i am comfortable w them!

[basiltonpitch]

Hey fuck that anon “is this real” please mind your business and dont feel so entitled to the details of the personal lives of people you follow on this website???????

thank you nonnie <3 like fr i really don't mind sharing things if we are close friends and there have been other things i've been open about on here (like my mom's death for one) but this is something i've literally been ashamed of for the past 2 years so i don't think it's crazy for me to have kept it a secret yk

[noxtivagus]

hmmm. oh my god my mind is a mess i rlly can't write what i want to rn but i will just Dump

[milaeth]

୨୧┊ 𝐈𝐈. 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐒. ( charles leclerc )

ꖛ ─ you’re reading part two ∿ part one ∿ part three

✧.* pairings ─ charles leclerc x fem! singer! reader

✧.* genre ─ social media au ⨾ fluff & chaotic

✧.* summary ─ in which your best friend George gets fed up with watching you and Charles secretly yearn for each other while claiming to be just friends. so, when you lose a bet to George, he takes control of your social media accounts for 24 hours, using the opportunity to help you make a move on your crush.

✧.* face claim ─ suki waterhouse

✧.* warnings ─ some suggestive jokes, other than that this is just as chaotic as the first part

✧.* mily’s thoughts ─ part three is coming soon! hope you enjoy mwah <3

˗ˏ ➶ IMESSAGE ➜ w/ charles <3 . ✧ ˚

y/n: hey charles i really don’t want to be a bother but i quickly wanted to apologize for the insta post that was made about us a few hours ago!

charles <3: Hey, don’t worry, you’re not a bother! :) And I don’t really care about the post.

y/n: wait

y/n: you don’t care?

charles <3: Nope, I thought the whole flirting thing (the comments etc) was just a joke between friends, yk. At first I was a little confused, to be honest, since we don't usually joke like that, but I figured it was just the way you interact with people you feel more comfortable with!

[ seen 1:29pm ]

˗ˏ ➶ IMESSAGE ➜ w/ princess george . ✧ ˚

y/n: i’m so scared

princess george: WHAT DID HE SAY

y/n: he thinks it was a flirty joke between friends

princess george: HUH? So I did all that painfully obvious flirting for nothing💀

y/n: AHA

y/n: SO YOU DID DO ALL THESE THINGS TO GET ME TO CONFESS TO CHARLES.

princess george: Someone had to do it! I'm sick of watching you guys literally be in love with the other and still claim to be "just friends" 🤓

y/n:🧍‍♀️

y/n: that isn’t the point now

y/n: the point is WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY

princess george: YOU HAVENT REPLY YET??

y/n: NO I LEFT HIM ON READ BC I PANICKED IDK

princess george: i'm going to have to call carmen to give you some girly advice if you don't start getting bold💀

y/n: OKAYOKAY BUT WHAT SHOULD I SAY

y/n: HURRY UP HES BEEN ON SEEN FOR FIVE MINUTES NOW

princess george: IDK ASK GOOGLE

y/n: GEORGE WTF

princess george: DONT ‘GEORGE WTF’ ME! YOU KNOW I DONT WORK WELL UNDER PEER PRESSURE

y/n: you’re a racing driver💀

princess george: your point?

[ seen 1:37pm ]

princess george: hello???

[ seen 1:38pm ]

y/n: I ASKED GOOGLE LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO AND THEY DIDNT DO SHIT

y/n: they had the audacity to correct me too

princess george: 💀💀

[ seen 1:40pm ]

˗ˏ ➶ IMESSAGE ➜ w/ charles <3 . ✧ ˚

y/n: you think it was a joke?

charles <3: Well yeah

charles <3 I mean

charles <3: It couldn’t have been anything more

y/n: what if it was tho?

y/n: hypothetical ofc!!!!

charles <3: Well I honestly don’t know

charles <3: If we are speaking hypothetically, I think I would be flattered.

y/n: and if we aren’t speaking hypothetically?

charles <3: Then I would probably still feel flattered.

charles <3: Y/n? Hello?

y/n: SORRY MY PHONE FELL DOWN

charles <3: LMAO

charles <3: Does that mean those flirty jokes weren’t just jokes?

y/n: well.. to me, they’re not jokes, but i’m not the one who made them. i wasn’t supposed to tell you yet but i’m getting sick of george so idc

y/n: i lost a bet to him and had to hand over my main social media accounts for 24 hours, meaning all the comments/posts you saw from my main accounts were made by george😭

charles <3: That explains why I saw your private accounts constantly fight with your main accounts in random comment sections💀

y/n: yeah he was really messing with me

y/n: i’ve gotten lots of angry mails from my pr team

charles <3: I can imagine😭 It's only fair that you get back at him.

y/n: oh absolutely.

charles <3: Can I ask a question though?

y/n: sure!

charles <3: Is your newest single actually about me?

y/n: yes it is. i’m sorry you have to find out like this but i really like you, like a lot. i’ve liked you for a while now but i was too scared to talk to you about it because i thought you don’t feel the same.

charles <3: That’s not true

charles <3: I actually do feel the same, and I literally had the same dilemma!

y/n: WHAT

y/n: YOU ALSO LIKE ME??

charles <3: YES!! I really like you :)

y/n: SINCE WHEN

charles <3: Probably since the day I first met you

y/n: no way i thought you hated me back then💀

charles <3: No don’t worry I didn’t😭 My brother Arthur said I always have this certain look to myself when I meet new people. He said I tend to look a little “off” when I’m overwhelmed, so that was probably it lol

y/n: oh yeah, george said the same about you

charles <3: Aha very nice of him💀

charles <3: Btw I don’t want to make you uncomfortable by asking this, but what are we now? I’m just a little confused

y/n: how about we take it slow and start going on little dates? like trying this whole thing out and seeing if we can actually be more than friends.

charles <3: I had the same in mind :)

charles <3: And George still has control over your main accounts?

y/n: yep for the next 2-3 hours :’)

charles <3: alright, ready to get back at him?

y/n: ABSOLUTELY

[ seen 1:59pm ]

˗ˏ ➶ IMESSAGE ➜ w/ princess george . ✧ ˚

princess george: Y/N DID HE REPLY YET?

[ sent 1:43pm ]

princess george: Y/N?

princess charles: HELLOOOO

[ sent 1:44pm ]

princess george: CMON I CAN SEE YOURE ONLINE

[ sent 1:46pm ]

princess george: DONT BE SO CRUEL

princess george: PLEASEEE

princess george: I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SAID

[ sent 1:50pm ]

princess george: UGH fine

princess george: Guess my finger slipped again🙄🙄🙄

[ sent 1:55pm ]

yourusername

liked by danielricciardo, georgerussell63 and 8,379,158 others

yourusername save a horse, ride a char- COWBOY

tagged: charles_leclerc

view all 268,368 comments…

user375 HELP ME WHAT

user121 girl you gotta stop being horny on the internet😭

georgerussell63 Oh. My. God.😲😲 Y/n this isn’t your private account

user54 you’re acting very sus there mate

user488 well someone needs to get laid💀

user224 simp of the day🫵

pierregasly i can’t watch this

yourusername then look away🤷‍♀️😂

user865 you’re so relatable

user308 cowboy charles😍😍

urusername_alt🔒 YOU DID NOT

yourusername I did xx

urusername_alt🔒 DELETE THIS RN

yourusername Nopee

carlos55sainz I’m so confused

charles_leclerc my lap is free🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

yourusername WHAT

urusername_alt🔒 wait- fr?🤭🤭

landonorris pause. stop right there.

yourusername | 📍 paris, france

liked by senelagomez, carlos55sainz and 21,488,321 others

yourusername feels good to finally have this account back

view all 170,325 comments…

zendaya stunning as always✨

liked by yourusername

user965 mother is mothering🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

user233 does a stronger word than mother exist??

user355 @/charlesleclerc you better wife her up before i do

user212 there’s no way they’re actually together, now that she revealed that george was behind all those comments/posts

user593 i was NOT prepared

charles_leclerc come to monaco, we miss you

landonorris who’s we

yourusername @/landonorris stfu you salty bitch, you’re just jealous i didn’t visit you last year💀

charles_leclerc just added to their story !

∿ taglist ─ @81astri @ch3rryknots @cs55version @fdl305 @remuslupinsbtch @kissesandmartinis @teenagedreams-cl @headinthecloudssblog @mrsmaybank13 @glai1023-blog @luvrrish @hevburn @charlespear @bibissparkles @siovhanroy ( my taglist if you want to get tagged in my works )

don’t forget to like, comment & reblog (it’s very much appreciated <3).

© milaeth | 2023

[earlgreytea68]

i dont actually know the general consensus on I Am My Own Muse but to me it very clearly feels like pete addressing the fans directly - almost like a conversation? like the opening lines "here i am not sure you should take a chance. I like playing dumb letting you figure me out" basically completely summarises petes relationship with us during the early parts of this era. His uncertainty coming back but also the way he likes to keep us on our toes (like hes always done). His constant surprise that even one person appreciates his art. His odd fourth-wall-esque relationship w us - he always knows more than he lets on. like. these are crazy opening lines.

Especially looking at other songs petes addressed to us (namely thriller and our laywer). Those songs still feel like petes putting on a persona for our benefit. Hes talking to us through the mask he thinks we'll like best - but for his benefit not ours. In those songs he still wants to show his appreciation for the fans but hes afraid to be vulnerable about it. He hides behind tongue and cheek self deprecation (put this record down, we are bad news, we're only good to have almost famous friends... that whole song tbh) or like implication of rejection/disaster (we r not making an acceptance speech, car crash hearts, only thing i havent done yet is die) and its all glitz and distraction bc thats what he does. he will tell us their hearts beat for the diehards but not before telling us why its a bad idea. its defensive from the get go but in Muse he doesnt do that. yes he defends himself but his tone is balanced between resigned and resolute. its stripped down to just his own thoughts voiced aloud. it feels so much more genuine despite how much vaguer in address it is.

Also the general theme of this song is feeling hidden/secret (e.g. the angels didnt know his name, him feeling faded, feelings were tucked away) but trying to draw attention anyway(throw the year away, smash all the guitars, drop a bomb on things we care about) even if its hard/painful (twist the knife again, trying to keep it together).

This coupled with the title is a perfect representation of his journey as an artist in this era no? The vulnerability hidden in old songs and spoken word poems that he relives each night of the tour. An amalgamation of every little moment he created and tucked away is reborn on stage. And who has he shared this particular journey with??? The fans. It was us who he finally trusted with his works and words in the shows and we sang them back at him. Patricks journey alongside pete has felt more obvious bc of his whole demeanour but its pete who wrote his heart out to us. I think this song is a way of pete kinda of juggling this idea in his head before it ever took shape in thw real world. A way of connecting back with his audience. Not as an act of nostalgia but as moving on together. its a gorgeous song and it feels like a love letter to us in the very oarticular way a love letter from pete wentz feels like. its not soft or even sweet but it leaves you feeling comforted and stronger anyway. its solidarity yk.

ANYWAYS thats my ramble for today hope it was worthwhile <33 i really had to get that one out otherwise i may have exploded. can you tell smfs as an album and an era is my baby. sorry this is such a long one lol. hope you r having a great day :)

Awwww I *love* this. I *adore* "I Am My Own Muse" and I always have and I love everything you say about it. To write a song that sounds like that and then call it so deliberately "I Am My Own Muse," like, that we are there and ever-present but in the end he's got to come from his own authentic place. And it's like his instinct is to play a little coy and not be so vulnerable, but also he just wants to scream so someone hears him: Smash all the guitars 'til we see all the stars, like, he's screaming so that we will all see. He's trying so hard to keep it together, keep it together, so smash all the guitars 'til we see all the stars, because we are all in it together, and throw the whole year away and start fresh.

Look, i am Peterick all the way, we all know, and I think I've even used lyrics from this song in a Peterick fic, but in my secret heart of hearts, if you really ask me to be serious, what do I think Pete Wentz is writing about........I kinda think he's always writing about us.

[kuromi-hoemie]

you inspire me to have kissy friends i love that but im still fighting being awkward about intimacy 😭💔

for me i understand myself and the way i love p well, and being v simplistic about it the line between platonic and romantic isn't there for me if i think ur cute and cool, i am just getting to know n appreciate u as a person! fundamentally.. which ways our connection blossoms and our dynamics will come about naturally :3 i am p open though!! i am honest and love giving ppl compliments and positive feedback; there r a couple different ways i could go about being more affectionate and intimate with a friend.

one is when u just are getting to know someone as a friend, u can ask about their boundaries and let them know u r affectionate with friends!! if they are too then there u go ♡⁠

the other is becoming closer and comfortable with someone and u feel something shift in ur relationship, and u can tell them u would like to be more affectionate and if they r okay with that ask what they are comfortable with :3

the fun one is recognizing a mutual brain break going on realtime 👁️👁️ if you're not brave enough to say anything in the moment u can always confess later and tell them ur having Thoughts about them and get a feel for how they feel abt you. you can offer them More and it doesn't have to change ur relationship with each other.

the common thread is being communicative and talking about boundaries, and if ur having a hard time w emotional intimacy i think a great place to start is being more open and honest ♡⁠ wear ur heart on ur sleeve. even if u don't feel comfortable or brave enough to tell ur friends u love them, there's nothing stopping you from telling them Why u love them. i love complimenting ppl and thanking them and telling them i had fun, i tell them when they look cute and love their outfits and what i love specifically or I'll hype up ur jewelry or hair change etc; if I'm feeling sentimental about something between us i will tell u how i feel and make sure u know u are appreciated.

i don't give compliments or praise or sentiments expecting anything in return, I'm just communicating my thoughts yk? take it as is and do with it what u will kind of thing, i just like being open!! i am of the opinion that people could stand to hear how great they are more often (⁠✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚) I'd like 2 think everybody likes feeling Seen, appreciated, understood, praised.

it's a lovely conversation starter but sometimes u just find someone u rly click with and as a dynamic i think practicing openness and honesty with each other on the little things makes room for u to be comfortable communicating bigger more sentimental and intimate things later on if ur friendship is going like that ♡⁠

and with the boy specifically it was a combination of things.. we already had a great friendship and we had gotten a lot closer and more comfortable with each other conversationally, but phew i hadn't seen him in a good couple months i think?? and over that time i became comfortable with myself and Very t4t, and i got a lot hotter too when i went from fem to stem and he hadn't seen me in my masc era yet lol. not in person at least

anyways his birthday was coming up and i wanted to offer him a chain like mine and to make him a collar, and i was gonna go bring him his chain after work as a gift ^.^ ♡⁠ when we finally got to see each other again oh my god lol he was in a sleeveless top w his arms out and For Some Reason i was more attracted to him than i had ever been 💀 i was trying not to stare too hard bc the whole time internally i was like AAAAA HE'S HOT HELP AKSKSKAK, BUT ☝🏾😌 I've had enough mutual brain breaks going on to know when someone's rly feeling me and i could tell lol. i originally just meant to stop by Real Quick but i ended up staying and hanging out for the evening (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠) i wasn't brave enough to say anything at first but i could not stop thinking about his shoulders and upper back and neck for like 2 days straight and i had to say Something.

being deliriously horny about him i was like GIRL OMFG DON'T DIE WONDERING TELL HIM SOMETHING and i sent him this 🙈

and he was glad i said something and was straightforward bc he was also having thoughts but wasn't sure if he could/should say anything ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ ♡⁠ so we talked about boundaries and we're still friends like we were but we're affectionate with each other now too and it's a sweet way to deepen our friendship. we r exploring being sweet friends together 👩🏽‍🤝‍👩🏾 butch4butch t4t real...

i have a good idea of how i want to navigate polyamory but putting it into practice and loving my friends more intentionally, fundamentally and to the fullest w my current perspective is new for me! and being affectionate in general is new to him, so I'm happy that we can be vulnerable and brave about it together ♡⁠ i can be a lil clumsy and he can be a lil awkward but i think we're very cute 😌🥰 he's a good boy (⁠っ⁠˘⁠з⁠(⁠˘⁠⌣⁠˘⁠ ⁠) ♡⁠

this ain't exactly a guide but it's a bit of what i got going on, take what u will from it (⁠｡⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠｡⁠)⁠ﾉ to be open with ur friends is a beautiful thing and i think things tend to develop naturally. i wish u the best of luck on ur quest w intimacy 🫶🏾

[goldenhypen]

hi em! i was gonna make this anonymous but ta heck w tht LOL okay so this is gonna b a long one js bc i wanna b as clear as possible for u but i jus wanna kno ur opinion on this n im sorry if this sounds redundant (given what ur whole acc is abt) but i saw this tiktok that was basically talking abt how ppl who read rp (real person) fanfics r weird , disgusting , and freaks (that one hurt ngl😭) and ig bc i never interacted w ppl who read them i had no idea this was such a controversial thing yk? so it kinda hurt and i got hella defensive bc these fics have helped me thru some hard times n r my safe space (esp ur acc i love it sm ur fics r quick n easy reads but so so good! and i love tht u write wholesome sfw fics i don’t like / can’t read nsfw rp fics) and r good when i need a quick romance fix bc i have none irl (tmi fr sorry!) but honestly it made me feel horrible abt myself bc im like damn am i sick freak for reading this even tho i read the sfw n wholesome ones?? n they were sayin the y/n , self inserts were even worse! 😭 n idk if this makes me ignorant but for the life of me i couldn’t figure out what made it weird! nsfw ones r different but regular romance or fantasy? esp since i never see this take when ppl mention they used to read one direction fanfics or mindless behavior & august alsina ones (these were popular among the black community for context!) like everyone laughs n reminisces i feel like ppl r a lot more critical n harsh on kpop stans tbh but i even thought abt deleting my tumblr bc i felt wrong for doing so it made me question myself for awhile just being honest anyways i’ll get off my soapbox im so sorry this is so long i jus wanted to give as much context and detail as possible! if this is too much please disregard but idk i just wanted an opinion on this take from a fix writer and i assume u read some too correct me if i’m wrong! thanks so incredibly much in advance and i hope we can b friends one day! 🧸🎀✨💌💕🫶🏽

this is so real of you omg ok first of all, thank you for going out of your comfort zone to do this! things like this make me so happy cuz you coming out of your way to do this (comfort wise and time wise since it must’ve taken you a while to write sm, esp considering the technical difficulties 😭) makes it all the more meaningful. and i rlly appreciate you coming to me of all ppl too! so thank you!

secondly, i agree with you on all the things you had to say !! i was once in your shoes, and if i’m being completely honest, a part of me is still navigating this as well. like some things i still question for example is if there is rlly nothing wrong with this, why do i feel the need to hide that i read/write? but for the most part, rn i am definitely set on there being absolutely nothing wrong with this! i can definitely see where these other ppl are coming from if they had never thought much of fanfiction or reader inserts etc. bc it’s probably similar to how i felt before being more exposed to fanfiction. but imo these are fantasies i just imagine in my head anyway and are almost like dreams to me yk? and so imo, they’re harmless. in fact, writing and reading ffs help grow my creativity, which is smth i value. cuz not only am i doing this for entertainment, i’m also doing it for the art (this is in terms of writing more so than reading but can still apply to both). however, similar to you, i do believe that imagines can be taken too far, as that is what aligns with my beliefs, such as nsfw fics (which is not anything personal at all to nsfw writers!). that imo can be harmful for the mind and spirit etc. (sorry if this is getting too deep and personal 😭)

ugh this is honestly so nice to talk about and have someone relate to on this cuz literally the things you are saying describe me !!! and dw, i have and never had any love life,, it’s non existent, believe it or not! so dw, you’re not alone 😭 like we can be delulu tgt 😭😭 and ahahaha yesss like i can’t tell you the amount of times i considered deleting this app or stopping writing/reading. it was challenging to process. but after doing so, i have come to the conclusions i mentioned earlier (how i think reading sfw fics are harmless). it’s literally just a form of harmless entertainment lol so i don’t see why ppl have to be so judgmental about it and can’t just mind their own business 😭 so dw, coming from a fellow reader and someone who has faced the same dilemma, you are not at all a freak 😭 and don’t let anyone let you think otherwise 😤☹️

also i can’t go without saying a huge thank you for all the kind things you had to say about my works :((( <3 that is so sweet of you to say and is so encouraging. it’s smth i’m finding i need a lot of, esp lately, so i rlly appreciate that and it means a lot. this whole ask and talking about this is rlly quite meaningful to me tbh 😭 so thank you for coming to me and being so brave to bring this up! 🫶🏻 also, yes let’s be friends omg !! i’d love that 🥹🫶🏻

[euphor1a]

besties wanted jk n mingyu so i gib jk n mingyu🤩

— or, a small bit of the very messy outline of my death the junggyu fic™. totally unedited and raw (intentional). kept that way so that one can feel the original vibes i was feeling when i was brainstorming this on a random 3 am 😙

fwb popular!jk & campus crush jock!mg 

jk is popular for very obvious (? or is it) reasons 🤭, almost made him a fuckboy but nah not really. man’s terrified of commitment so he used to sleep around often, kinda.

but then he finds our oc and *cough* *cough* legitimately falls. still not willing to commit tho 🙄 hence the “fwb” (at least that’s what he convinced himself)

our poor oc... sigh. let’s just say they’re on different pages :/ and our girl is tired of jk’s bs, desperately trying to gather herself and actually move on.

SHE DESERVES SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE W HER!!!!

incoming our campus crush kim mingyu 😍

man’s so fine that everyone can feel themselves physically swooning when he’s around 😫

he’s also a jock 😼, not entirely sure which sport i want him to play though... (?🏀)

NOW NOW!! this man is one of those guys who rejects all advances but his love-life is pretty much non-existent (sounds like the biggest lie but yes,,,)

rumor says he used to be nasty nasty at first apparently 👀 but then he found better people as friends and changed 🤨? did a total 180°?

on this random evening after a session, oc asks jk to help her make mg jealous (?) idk she just needs his ✨ATTENTIONNNNNN✨!!! am i self-projecting? am i?

oc always knew him (who wouldn’t), but she was introduced face to face with theeee kmg by jk 🤠

she actually got pretty close to jk’s friend group cause she tagged along w jk to group hang outs frequently (fyi, it was jeon jungkook who would drag her w him 💀)

and 👉🏼👈🏼 she developed this silly little crush on mg 🙈

later on, as oc realized jeon jk is hellbent on staying “friends”, she decided to give other people a chance.

she secretly hopes that if she dates someone else, maybe jk can see and come back to his MFING SENSES

but anyway, our girl is a bit too deep into the mingyu rabbit-hole by now also 😔✋🏼

sulky n pouty jk being mad about oc liking mg… cause guess what!? junggyu homies 😔✊🏼

hmm…. jk still fucking oc in the midst of that ish cuz why not 🫣 n he’s mad too so kinda hate fucking? anyway — oc convinces jk bc she is a simp for mg same girl i feel u and jk agrees half-heartedly cause he would actually give her the whole world 🙄 just stupid ass simps everywhere!!

jk thinks that mg will never say yes 🙃 so deep down he’s like making plans about how he’s gonna absolutely destroy oc and punish her once she gets her heart broken by the campus crush 🥴

like??? BITCH LOOK WHOS TALKING? men are so dense sometimes like WHAT EVEN CANT YOU SEE THAT YOU HURT OC TOO (maybe in a worse way tbh)

sigh... so anyway.

mg thinks oc is prettiest ever & attractive asf and he gets butterflies and stuff when she’s around 🥰🦋 but he never made a move bc he knows there’s sumn fishy going on between oc n his friend 😩

SURPRISE! that man has been pining over oc from who knows when 😦

no one except him knows about it though 😔 (well... you guys know now)

moving forward 👾

jk being grumpy n fighting oc every 10 secs for the dumbest things bc she fell for his bff out of all people 🤡 (but jk is an asshole too cuz bro should’ve stopped saying shit like “we are nothing but friends”?? like yk you can’t just expect a girl to be your fwb for the rest of your life?? 🙄 plus she caught feelings for you n you were a dumb bitch abt it... she deserves to be loved, verbally, physically, mentally and in all the ways 😔🥺)

[REDACTED]

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... i think i spoiled a bit too much 😵‍💫! but yea here you go!! if you have any thoughts about this, feel free to share them through asks or comments! i’d love to hear them! and, for this once, i request to not rb 🙈! i wouldn’t be the most comfortable seeing this reblogged 😭

[sweet-little-dude]

hiii taku i come with bonten takeomi & natsu brainrot. also it’s a lot bc i can’t shut up abt them help. this is just copy paste of me being insane abt them to my qpp bc i’m too lazy to type it all again but yeah

basically their vibe is when takeomi is too tired of bonten's shit he visits natsu's tiny flat and she cooks spaghetti or smth that they have with wine before they slow dance to music playing on the old record player she stole from her parents when moving out and when they're sleepy enough they put on a shitty old movie and fall asleep cuddling trying to watch it. also they go to clubs together, they are friends though often get mistaken for a couple, and they have kissed quite a bunch of times. not sure if this part is canon but they might've fucked a bunch of times too and i can assure you if they did they both stood on a balcony to smoke together afterwards they 100% smoke and drink together (maybe a little too often) and their whole thing is pretty ride or die oriented,, they're together to have fun and forget the shitty parts of their lives. to be themselves for once. to have someone who understands and relates

i am a little insane about them sorry

also natsu is the oldest of five siblings and she fucked up all of her sibling relationships bc she used to be in a gang and her siblings are still all in a gang, all the same one, but a different one from hers. and yeah shit went down when their gangs fought and natsu's won. she'd now like to fix her relationship with her siblings but they don't even accept her calls most of the time and it's even more one-sided than takeomi & sanzu :(( but it's also one of the biggest things that make them relate to each other ajdkfkhsj i think they start venting to each other too bc they understand v much how the other feels yk

also more natsu sibling drama but even tho she left her gang her siblings are still in a gang as i've mentioned before n it's a LOT smaller than bonten more just beating up people for fun and some minor drug smuggling but natsu gets jumped by some gang members every other week/month n she's pretty good at defending herself but she still calls takeomi to pick & patch her up sometimes bc yk she just wants some comfort in her situation...

okay maybe i am more than just a little insane about them but like. they <33 also me on my 'wtf is defining a relationship' agenda again but i think they're mostly friends but also like. they fuck labeling their relationship they just know it's very much not romantic. but could be fuck all apart from that tbh. friends? fwbs? smth between? god knows but they're close and not romantic that's all that matters

so those were the paragraphs. sadly in my fic they just met for the 1st n 2nd time so there’s none of that at all but i’m def considering writing abt them bc goddamn i love them 😭 and i think takeomi deserves a friend. he’s just a lonely dripping wet pathetic little cat of a man and that’s a little mean yk? anyways i also have a picrew image of natsu hehe. bg lore for it is that the jacket she’s wearing is the one takeomi gives her in my fic when they first meet bc she’s cold n he wants to repay her for making sure sanzu is okay <3 it’s one of her fav pieces of clothing after that i think just because yk

phew i think that was all the insanity i have abt her atm hope you enjoy fr

YES FINALLY HERE WE GOOOO

literally the first sentence abt them and im already in love. SLOW DANCING 😭😭‼️‼️🔥🔥💔💔 damn boy i want what they have frfr. NAH CUZ I RLLY WANT WHAT THEY HAVE. to finally be able to act like ur true self without judgement and be able to be affectionate without the binds of an actual romantic relationship RAHHHHHHHH I WANT THAT. also dont apologise man i can see why u are lolllll

oh man dont hurt me like that w the sibling issues nooooo :( at least they both have each other to vent abt this stuff. but yea go off natsu beat their asses fr ‼️

NO BCUZ THAT AGENDA IS SO REAL. i love love love them tho they seem so :)))) with one another so they get an easy thumbs up of approval from me ^ ^.

YES PLS CONTINUE WRITING MORE ON THEM IM OBSESSEDDDDDDD. ur description on omi is so fucking on point what the hell T T. YESSSSS MAKING PICREWS OF OCS IS THE BEST I WILL DIE ON THAT HILL. thatz so sweet of them tho wtf.

all in all im a bit invested in them now thanks elys 🙄🙄 /j

[phinjeet]

* endlessly amuzed by the fact that in unfair science fair izabella walked by baljeetz house and heard them screaming AIIEEEE I AM DOOMED TO BE AN INCOMPETENT FLUNKY FOREVER (ever , ever , ever …. she added the echo part) n she waz worried enough 2 go get phineas and ferb but Not worried enough 2 just like . go in there and check on them herself ? she heard them screaming n went “fuck this im getting phineas and ferb” . SO funny of her

* ig if i were 2 overthink this id sayy ….. maybe at this point in the summer she doeznt actually know or like baljeet all that well , throw in the weird forced pretend-crush they hav on her which she seemz 2 b aware of n maybe it makez her uncomfortable , but like baljeet iznt a bad kid or anything theyre just kinda weird n awkward n a bit annoying n boring but she doeznt Hate them . but at that point she also iznt so close 2 them that she feelz comfortable barging in2 their house n talking 2 them 1 on 1 , her n baljeet only really hang out bc theyre both friendz of phineas . theyre like a friend of a friend 2 each other but izabella still Carez that theyre in distress n optz 2 get pnf instead cuz she trustz theyll know what 2 do better than her . or smth . i loveee 2 ponder baljeet and izabellaz dynamic

* itz only a little bit later down the line they grow 2 respect each other more n maybe she becomez comfortable enough 2 jab at them n exchange sassy remarkz . in 1 of many universez their shared crush on phineas at first sparkz a rivalry that developz in2 a frenemyship where theyre like “it doesnt matter who phineas chooses or if she even chooses any1 at all , we wont let this tear us apart in fact we will unite in our love 4 that fucking weirdo . also if u look at me funny im shoving ur face in a toilet” , but like yk they care 4 each other theyre friendz . they decide “why r we pitting 2 bad bitches (us) against each other”

* in ANOTHER universe tho (there r many universez 2 me) baljeet actually knowz izabella first and meetz phin n gang through HER , they yk hav that pretend-crush on her (this iz accepted canon in my house) n they try 2 hang around near her az much az they can so they end up in pnfz backyard often , n they quickly realize izabella haz a crush on phin n theyre like grrrr staring at phineas n trying 2 explode her w my mind . n phin iz like hmmm that guy keeps staring at me are they shy … hey buddy wanna help us w this construction project ? itll be fun ! whats ur name :) n jeet iz like 2 polite 2 say i want 2 kill u n itz not actually like they want 2 , they feel obligated 2 hate her cuz shez Mr Steal Yo Girl n thatz just how theze thingz go right . jeet doeznt know better but 1 day they find themself thinking of smth phin doez az cute instead of irritating n they fucking skid 2 a halt like WAIT . WAIT FUCK WAIT OH GOD WAIT WAIT and like this doeznt hav much 2 do with where this train of thought started but yk . thatz phineas brain 4 u

* anyway thankz 4 coming 2 my ted talk

[starjxsung]

haiii bbs! how are you?

may the fashion fairies bless you for all of your concerts 🧚🏼‍♀️ i think that for lolla imma just dress nice nice on friday. then probs a bit more casual the other days bc i read that it’s not thaaaaat big of a deal compared to coachella (i still like dressing up for everything i can but ik im not having the energy after standing 12+hrs on friday🤣) i read that armys CAMPED the night before so ngl im kinda scared to not be able to see skz too well.

hmmmmmm that is soooo tough😫but its probably top 5 after mononoke, howls and spirited away. buuuut i need to rewatch it because i also rank them due to them being my comfort films so maybe the boy and the heron is objectively a better film or may become one of my super faves as a comfort film. honorable mention movies that i never hear anyone talk about that are tiered for me: pom poko and when marnie was there (i cried so bad while watching both of them)

i saw that skz are attending the met dressed in tommy 😶‍🌫️ i kinda hate the concept of the met gala, the fundraiser part is okay; but it’s the whole exclusively rich people exhibition that i absolutely don’t like yk? and there’s no real talk about the necessity of the fundraiser in the event so it’s kinda not too slay for me. (i love skz though so i’ll probs watch them walk and then stop🤣. and even it’s not too significant for me, im so aware that it is an objectively super important event so i am very proud of them for that!). i hope this doesn’t turn you off about me😪

on another note i got the funniest little pc holder! terrible pic bc we went out to eat at night. i also noticed i barely have any hyune pcs😭

anyways ily bb! i hope you’ve been having a great weekend <3 take care

-🐈‍⬛

HI MY BABYYYYYYYYYY I’m sorry this took to long to answer !!!! I was going THRUUU IT with the Met Gala yesterday and I was simultaneously on my phone looking at every single post that was published and trying to avoid all media bc the paparazzi were making me so mad and I was stressed 😭

I KNOWWWWW I remember armys (and moas!) camping before hobipalooza & when txt performed and I’m stressed that I’m not going to get a good spot 🤕 for Global Citizen a lot of people camped too and I got there kinda late bc I slept in but the spots we got were still pretty decent! My only issue was the PHONESSSS in the air oh my god you could not get a single pic of 3racha without a phone blocking your view… I had to stand on my tippy toes and block everyone’s view behind me to get ONE good pic and even then I never ended up getting a pic of Jungkook without phones in the way 😔 hoping the screens at Lolla are good so we don’t have to deal w the same shit

I love when Marnie Was There!!!!!!! Oh my god it’s so underrated!!!!!!!!! I cried so hard the first time I watched it ☹️🫶 I need to watch the boy & the heron and I will tell you all my thoughts !!

I have so many thoughts about the met gala but honestly I am just SOOO GLAD it’s over lmfkdkskdkdkskkdjfj I was beyond stressed waiting for them to arrive and seeing what they were going to wear 😭 obviously ended up a shit show of a night thanks to problematic American photographers but what’s new at a western event like the met gala 🤕

YOUR PC HOLDER PLEWASKKKCKKFKEKE THAT IS SO CUTE the Hyune pc is very fitting 😭😭

I love you bbg I hope you’re having the absolute best week !!!!!!!!!! 💗💕💓💘💖🫶

Here are my Felix & Renjun bag setups from the past 2 days (also Minho on my sister’s bag) one of my friends replied to my story and asked why my bag is “always cunted up” and I will be referring to decorating my bag like that all the time now LMAO

[sungbeam]

no because i am def not tripping when i feel like im disconnected from my friends irl. like ik i haven't exactly been the best at keeping in touch, and that's my fault but idk,,, i think after senior year, i've just become so used to ghosting people and letting relationships rot. it's an awful habit. idek what's wrong w me, but im scared ig, idk what im scared of, but im def being a coward. ik these people care abt me, but for some reason, sometimes i feel like im not on their same wavelength. maybe i just don't feel as comfortable around them anymore cuz we're all split up, but after senior year, i just had a feeling we were never gonna be the same.

ik they care, ofc i know they care. they've been my best girls for almost my entire life. i love them so much, but i feel so far away. maybe im just scared and INSECURE. i think my insecurity breaks so many relationships for me,, it's just awful. i wish i could just suck it up and be happy for them bc they deserve all of this success. why am i envious when i don't even deserve to be envious? i haven't done shit, or as much as i def could have.

jfc what happened to me

everything is so personal, every little detail. it's not that deep, and yet i feel like an odd man out. im prob just making this up and seeing things yk?... i just,,, wish i could work up the guts to be straightforward and honest and supportive. i try to be supportive and excited when i can, but i think it's just the bitterness holding me back and turning myself into a villain or whatever. didn't i say congrats too? did i make it abt me on accident or am i just reading things wrong? i wanted to be there for u, too, i swear, but i just... i can't even be here for myself; i hope u understand. it's not ur fault; it's mine. idk how to fix it but i miss u, even tho im too full of cowardice to tell u and to make amends.

i used to tell them everything. i can barely get myself to show up in the gc now.

i hate thinking like... they didn't really ask how i was either. im just bitter bitter bitter for no reason. too scared to be thrown aside and forgotten and always being the last choice again and again, so i just remove myself as a choice in the first place.

oh my god i need to see a therapist

[elysianslove]

tutoring ; haikyuu boys

synopsis; tutoring headcanons 

pairings; kuroo tetsuro x reader, akaashi keiji x reader, oikawa toru x reader

genre; fluff 

warnings; hints at nsfw themes w kuroo, but nothing else

kuroo tetsuro 

okay it’s canon this boy is crazy smart, especially in chemistry, so unless it was any other polar opposite subject, it’d probably be you getting tutored

idk about y’all but i hate chem and physics, and if i had fkn KUROO to tutor me??? i’d fail on purpose

he’d probably be a really good teacher if he wasn’t so damn dorky

like in the middle of tutoring you he’ll go on a full rant about the topic in excruciating scientific detail and you’ll just “um 👁👄👁 wha”

he’s v supportive tho

every time u understand something he like cheers for u

if you’re feeling demotivated he just has a bunch of science puns prepared on his phone’s notes

i see him being a very interactive tutor

so like as he’s going over something he’ll leave blanks for you to fill that he’s already taught you

also he’s 100% confident in ur skills. too confident

like when he sees u get something right or get a really good score he’d just be “idk why u ever doubted yourself” so suave and cool but he has such a proud smile on his face

he also teaches u as if you already know everything. this could be either really motivating bc he’s not looking down on u but it can be a lot and overwhelming sometimes

unwinds after EVERY tutoring session

like

every single one

always brings snacks and stuffs ur face w them as ur writing notes

ice cream parlor visits after !

if this is bf kuroo he’d definitely, absolutely tease u

kiss for everything u get right

tbh if he was only a friend/classmate he’d still say the same shit

mf would be playing strip studying

as he’s testing u, for everything u get right he’ll take a piece of clothing off

so v encouraging

;)

oikawa toru 

i think oikawa’s like really smart, but in v specific subjects. things that require critical thinking or analytical thinking or like presentation and public speaking skills?? he’s an A student 

but memorizing things just . doesn’t work with him

so something like bio? sucks. 

let’s say ur an A student in bio in his class and ur always getting like high marks

so he approaches u after he flunks an exam and is just “how would you like the honor of being my tutor” 

like — bruh i stg ,,,

u kinda just 🧍🏻‍♀️ 

i would honestly love it if toru ends up with someone that can like put him in his place if need iwaizumi

n e ways after he says that ur just like “why would i”

and hes like “why wouldnt you”

it’s frustrating how unbothered he is tbh

when he shows you his exam u actually kinda feel bad plus he said something once about not being able to play volleyball if he fails and yk how much it means to him

so u agree

reluctantly 

u meet him at a cafe and 

it’s surprisingly v fun

he makes u laugh a lot bc he is: an idiot 

ur sessions w him are not v productive ngl but some part of him really wants to please you so he studies well

to win you over and ask you out he knew he had to pass first, and he’s a v determined person, so, obviously, he does

he runs over to you after getting his paper back and just waves it at you with the biggest smile on his face he’s so cute pls

“if i was an enzyme i’d be a dna helicase so i can unzip your genes” 

you wanted to smack him but you had to stop laughing first 

akaashi keiji

i honest to god cannot visualize this man asking for help, so it’ll be the other way around this time

scenario; you have a fat crush on akaashi (realistic, bc who doesn’t) and matchmaker king bokuto tells you to ask him for help on math 

ur not dumb, ur great at math 

but rn ur simping over this pretty boy, and desperate times call for desperate measures 

so u come up to him after being assigned hw and ask him if he could help you out

he’s so sweet and automatically says yeah sure with such a pure and soft smile bc?? ur so pretty and his heart is racing!!

you invite him over, and he agrees to meet you after practice 

y’all are an awkward mess bc; 1. you don’t actually have trouble with the hw and 2. you’re both so oblivious about each other’s obvious crushes 

he’s explaining a question to you but you cannot, for the life of you, pay attention

all you can do is stare at him and the way his lips move and the way his fingers are wrapped around the pen and how he’s very gentle with his explanations and goes slowly through them

being so close to him is like raising your body temperature to an inhuman rate tbh 

your thoughts: impure

he catches on quick though bc akaashi’s pretty and smart

“have you heard anything i said?”

“do you want the truth”

he just . sighs

he kinda looks disappointed ngl

so you stumble over your words in an apology, “i’m so sorry it’s just - you’re just really pretty.”

cue pause

akaashikeiji.exe has stopped working lmfao

“oh” 

like mf??? oh???

“you’re pretty too”

your heart stops, but he doesn’t let it linger for too long 

“if we finish this hw quick then maybe we can spare some time for a small talk?”

speed solving hvsgsjhs

anyways this one is way longer im sorry 

i don’t think he kisses u on ur lips but as he’s leaving he presses a gentle kiss on ur cheek and says, “see you tomorrow.”

and leaves

with your heart in his hands

just like that 

end note; i had a lot of fun with these haha! i adore writing headcanons but my brain is always fried bc of uni, so if you guys have any requests i’d love to write them for you!! i feel a lot freer on this site, so i am comfortable writing nsfw as well hehe. 

[dastardlydandelion]

So...what kind of horror movie would you write featuring the Hargrove/ Mayfield family? (That you haven't written already lol)

oh boy, u may regret asking me this bc i am indecisive af and i can’t pick just one!

two that i'm actually writing are max as (g is for) ghostface killer in the abcs of neil’s death and also the max + tory nichols werewolf movie fic outlined here. also some more misc gorror junk bc i’m a demon and esp horny for susan wearing blood splatter. but more ideas commence below:

horror movie #1: another creature feature! awhile back @lucdarling sent me an ask abt max + billy hiding smth from susan and her like, playing along, pretending she doesn't know, and one of the scenarios that popped in my head was them keeping a baby bat as a pet. max finds it and she’s only like six or seven, and she thinks it’s going to turn into a vampire. so here is that scenario except horror edition: baby bat is actually a vampire type creature. not rly a vampire like, what’s prolly popping into ur head, like an undead human like dracula or smth, but like a bat monster that sucks blood.

billy being a lil older doesn’t actually think the bat is going to turn into a vampire. he makes fun of max for believing this, but he helps her take care of it anyway bc he thinks it’s cool. susan, like in the non-horror version, knows abt the bat but plays dumb bc she’s feeling a lot of guilt abt max’s difficulty adjusting to the blended fam (as of rn tho, neil has yet to reveal his abusive nature. the red flags are not yet red, more of a brownish maroon, and he is on his best behavior almost all the time, showering susan + max with affection and keeping the swears out of his mouth when he scolds billy in front of them) and knows the lil furry baby makes her happy. she tacitly cleans up after the bat whenever the kids miss a spot (bats poop a lot, dude) and distracts neil, deterring him from discovering it whenever he gets close.

baby bat gets rly big rly fast. and the older it gets, the more it starts to look monstrous. it still has bat features but it’s just like, different. its fangs grow suspiciously long, its hooks grow suspiciously long. its feet are elongated. a dorsal ridge emerges from its spine, spikes at first just flesh but soft fur rather like peach fuzz eventually sprouting. billy catches on that smth is strange abt this animal when it's as long as his forearm after two wks and still growing. he nearly shits a brick when the bat is clinging to his sweater one day and he steps in front of a mirror and only his reflection looks back at him— no bat.

max laughs at him all like, “stupid brother, ofc there’s no reflection. nosferatu is a vampire, vampires don’t have reflections.” 😂

susan catches a glimpse of the thing when nosferatu crawls out of the home max built it in her closet the same wk billy realizes it doesn’t have a reflection, and also almost shits a brick. she doesn’t know what it is, but it’s NOT a fucking bat. not a normal one, anyway! cue a comedy scene where she’s chasing it around the house with a butterfly net and it’s always one flap *ba dum tss* ahead of her, flying just out of reach. she suddenly regrets not getting rid of it sooner, scolding herself for ever allowing her daughter to keep a wild animal.

she can’t catch it. max comes home, susan tells her she needs to get rid of it. max cries, flips her the bird, refuses. billy tho…billy has mixed feelings. he loves nosferatu but he’s worried it’s going to get dangerous. he loves his dad and his dad is dangerous too. he’s stressed out enough, always on edge, knowing that one way or the other, neil is going to hurt him again. he’s already waiting for his dad to hurt him, he doesn’t need the added stress of waiting for nosferatu to hurt him too. and while max is 100% nosferatu’s favorite, it likes billy too. billy’s been handling it since it could fit in the palm of his hand, it trusts him much more than it trusts susan and doesn’t know any different when billy takes it out of the closet when max isn’t around.

billy frees nosferatu at an abandoned farm. there are always bats flying out of the old silo adjacent to the dilapidated barn. while he knows nosferatu isn’t a *normal* bat, it’s still bat like enough that he thinks it might make friends and be happy here…

yeah, that doesn’t stick. before long, nosferatu is feasting on that colony. leeches the blood out of a couple bats nightly. the number of bats increases with nosferatu’s size. meanwhile, max mourns her missing friend. she’s sullen af and won’t speak to susan at all. she thinks susan is the one who got rid of nosferatu. billy never fesses up and susan doesn’t contradict max’s assumption bc she wants the step-siblings to get along.

neil, meanwhile, is getting more comfortable. those maroon flags are slowly but surely brightening to scarlet. he starts sabotaging susan’s plans with her friends, trying to keep her around the house more and more, quietly but steadily eroding her relationships with other people. he’s getting more visibly aggressive when he disciplines billy. he curses him out with a virulent venom that dunks susan’s stomach in ice water and scares max so badly, she runs to susan and hides behind her even though she’s still so mad that susan got rid of her beloved baby vampire.

nosferatu’s appetite surpasses what the bat colony can offer. it’s like the size of a ten yr old human child now. fucker’s big. it doesn’t just have fangs on top, but tusks on bottom. it can’t go out in the sunlight anymore, the sun sears its flesh. it misses max a lot and before, it wasn’t strong enough to fly back to her house. but now it is. it’s extremely strong, actually.

so bc it's hungry, nosferatu grabs a snack along the way. some nameless rando, it swoops down and sucks dry. nourished and much happier, nosferatu makes its way back home. patiently waits outside of max’s bedroom in the moonlight, tapping its hook against the window until she wakes up. initially max is a lil startled— nosferatu looks so different, there’s a beat before she recognizes it— him?? yk, ig it’s male, the og nosferatu was a guy. sure, why not, nosferatu is a boy now.

once she realizes who it is, she is so! happy! max opens the window and embraces her friend. she isn’t freaked out by the blood on its fangs. she’s always known nosferatu is a vampire, albeit, she was thinking he’d look more like dracula than this bat-monster-thingy.

nosferatu moves back into max’s closet. it hangs upside-down from her rod by its weird, elongated feet. we get more shots of nosferatu sucking rando ppl dry at night, tho he remains gentle with max. when max drags billy in to show her he came back, nosferatu is less friendly with him. he’s not aggressive with billy, but he is standoffish. nosferatu’s thought process is somewhere between human and animal. he doesn’t quite cognitively understand that billy took him to the farm with the intent of getting rid of him, but he does understand that the last time he clung to billy, billy left him alone and never came back. max puts two and two together, and realizes it was billy who “stole” her friend. she yells at him a lot, he yells back, she then ices him out.

billy acts out bc he’s upset. runs away, thinks he’s going to find his mom…the cops find him first and call neil. neil is rly embarrassed and pissed abt the whole thing. he breaks down and beats billy in front of the mayfields for the first time. nosferatu smells the blood and it’s time for the main event! we love dead!neil, yes, we do.

nosferatu flies out the closet and right into the living room where billy’s bleeding and teary but biting his lip so they don’t actually fall. susan’s covering max’s eyes but so shocked and tbh, FRIGHTENED, she doesn’t move a muscle beyond that. neil’s got the belt raised, preparing to bring it down again, and nosferatu smashes right into him. neil stumbles, turns back to see this freaky monster looking thing. proceeds to whip the belt at nosferatu. tries to fight him off with the belt and it doesn’t accomplish much beyond pissing him off more— nosferatu, like most classic vampire types, has a healing factor!

max rips her mom’s hands off her face in time to see her pet sink its fangs into her stepdad’s throat. nosferatu sucks neil dry. billy’s a little dazed, not quite frightened. susan is just dead ass frozen, too scared to scream, even. nosferatu crawls over to billy and nudges at him, making sure he’s in once piece and forgiving him in the same go. max darts over and that snaps susan out of her stupor, but she isn’t as fast as our blood-sucking bat monster.

nosferatu stretches his wings out and with a truly impressive wingspan, hugs both of the kids. <3

horror movie #2: a haunting! this one opens with a bang. it’s a tragic horror, beware. we’re in hawkins post s3. billy died at starcourt mall. neil’s obvi had a longstanding abusive mindset and abusive behavior, but he rly takes his grief out on susan and max. mostly susan. she does her best to protect max however she can, whether that means shielding her w her body, sending her out of the house, getting neil’s goat to inspire his ire in max’s place, etc. but sue simply isn’t around all the time and when she isn’t, but max is, well. yk.

one day neil comes home early (bc he lost his job for a violent outburst, tbh) and discovers susan packing a suitcase.

sue fights hard. she rly does. but neil is bigger, heavier, crueler, and to boot, he caught her completely unawares. he kills her. and no, no it’s not some accidental thing where neil makes one bad move rage-blind. he strangles her with his belt. she’s clawing at his arms and making these horrible choked, trapped animal noises. thrashes and twists her body with everything she has trying to get him off but he’s so strong, his grip is unrelenting, and she's growing weaker, lightheaded with the lack of oxygen. strangulation can induce incontinence and when susan blacks out, her piss streams to the hardwood— neil hears that as much as he felt the clawing and heard the noises, even now he could stop, but he doesn’t. he just. doesn’t think his wife has the right to leave him, esp not after his son just did.

neil burns the body and the suitcase in the woods while max is at school. max has been spending as much time as she can (and often with sue’s prompting) outside of the house, so it actually takes her about two days to realize her mother isn’t around. neil tells a pretty convincing story about how susan abandoned them, voice saturated with apology and sorrow. he takes her out for a fancy dinner and promises he’s going to be a better father-- that being a better father is the least he can do now that her mother abandoned her and they are alone in their grief.

max doesn’t know what to think. she’s been preoccupied with her own grief and pain. she finds it hard to believe her mother would just leave her to neil’s wrath. she has a lot of hangups with susan and anger toward her for marrying neil and not getting them out sooner, but she’s also old enough to realize there would be risks involved with that. it’s hard to reconcile the memory of her mother just last wk pinning max to the wall to protect her from neil’s blows with her own bod just abruptly taking off without a word in the middle of the night. but hey, maybe that’s why susan left. maybe she got sick of protecting her, maybe the pain got to be too much and she turned tail.

but also…it’s early october now, abt three months after billy’s death but still fairly warm outside. yet neil is wearing long sleeves. neil never used to button his collared shirts all the way up, and yet. every collar is buttoned. also, mom’s car is still here. why would mom leave without her car?

that ceramic pelican she loved so much is still here too, on the mantle in the living room. it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing she would leave behind, she's had it since max was a baby.

max almost wants to believe neil because she’d rather her mother abandoned her than be dead somewhere, rotting in a storage locker or a hole in the ground. under the earth with the worms, just like billy. max has the worst feeling low in the pit of her gut. she thinks she knows the truth. she thinks abt going to hopper and hesitates bc she’s not sure she could handle it if he actually found smth. or what would happen to her if he did, where she would be sent, who she would end up with.

this movie would be more on the ambiguous end of things. an arthouse horror, if u will.

the days turn into wks and neil is crawling in his skin. the viewer isn’t sure if the shadows he’s seeing, always, always susan-shaped shadows, are of a ghostly nature or if he’s just hallucinating out of guilt. but the signs gradually point to the former— that smth paranormal is indeed going on. bc those scratches and bite marks susan left in his skin?

they do not heal. they do not get infected. they do not become necrotic. but they do not heal, either. days turn into wks and the wounds still look fresh, like she just left them moments ago. neil can’t wear light colors anymore because his wounds weep red into the fabric. he isn’t just seeing susan’s shadows either, he’s smelling her.

he washes his sheets and pillowcases a dozen times and the scent of her shampoo, her lotion, it’s like it’s woven into the fibers. he walks into the hallway and chokes on the aroma of susan’s perfume. he wonders if max is screwing with him, if max figured it out and she’s trying to torture him into a confession. one day he stomps off to max's bedroom, furious, adamant on confronting her. he grabs her doorknob, prepared to yank it open and then lets out a yelp, jerking his hand back with a sudden sharp pain.

it feels like a bee sting (which would be esp bad for this fucker in anything i write, bc i headcanon him as being allergic). but there’s no stinger. no injury. nothing. neil is freaked out enough that he backs down.

max, on the other hand, is getting gentler signs. when she turns the radio dial in the camaro, it’s somehow always her mom’s favorite songs that come thru the speakers. when she goes to pull clothes out of her drawers in the morning, she discovers that the things she’d just shoved inside in wrinkled balls are perfectly folded, neat as a pin, exactly like how susan always folded. susan was always fond of cardinals and suddenly max is seeing cardinals, pretty red cardinals, in just abt erry tree and shrub.

neil wakes up one night to his wife’s voice whispering “boo” right in his ear. he throws the covers off and discovers ashes in the bed. he doesn’t smell susan’s shampoo or lotion anymore, he smells the kerosine he’d poured all over her body.

his wounds still won’t heal. whenever he looks in the mirror, he catches a glimpse of susan walking past behind him, peering at him from her peripheral. he whips around, heart hammering, but there’s never any tangible person there.

max is almost certain her mother is dead at this point. neil’s been so bizarrely nice to her lately. she never believed in ghosts but her experiences with the upside-down broadened her perception of reality. she doesn’t know how else to explain the songs, the cardinals, the folded clothes. the way that these days, whenever she does feel fear toward neil, it just fades away. her fear melts like popsicles in the sun, immediately replaced by the sensation of a warm, maternal hug, as if arms she can’t see are trying to reassure her she truly doesn’t need to be afraid of him anymore.

in fact, max feels so unafraid of neil and brave, that one night she calls him out on it. he’s grizzled and unshaven in his recliner, beer in hand. she steps in front of the television he’s vacantly fixated on and folds her arms across her chest.

“you killed my mom, didn’t you?”

quick as a flash, neil leaps to his feet. he brings his arm back like he’s going to strike her and susan’s ceramic pelican on the mantle explodes into shards. the lights flicker, the television program cuts to snow with a static roar. every other knickknack on the mantle rattles and framed photos tumble off the wall.

neil very wisely lowers his hand. he slumps, boneless. he doesn’t say a word. max sees the answer in his eyes. it’s the dead of night and she snatches the camaro keys off the hook, marching out of the house, slamming the door behind her. it’s the dead of night and she doesn’t care. she’s going to blow past every stop sign and pound on the chief’s door until he opens up. and fuck, i just realized if this is post s3 he’s supposed to be in russia. shit. i don’t watch this show, but i know abt russia bc i DID watch the clips of that demogorgon that i rly hope isn’t stuck in captivity!! okay, but let’s pretend that didn’t happen?

it’s an au?? i mean, errything i write is always technically an au anyway, bc when i write stuff susan has an actual personality and billy isn’t *completely* abhorrent. okay, so it’s an au and mr. hopper didn’t blow up and un-blow up in russia. he’s still here. so max drives to his house.

she pounds on the door so hard this guy snaps outta bed, thinking someone’s trying to bust it down. she tells him neil confessed to killing her mom. it isn’t true, exactly, but he didn’t have to. so it’s a helluva grim drive back to cherry lane, this time in the cop car.

but when they go inside, chief prepared to arrest neil, no need. neil’s hanging from the belt he strangled susan with, shirtless for the first time since that night, erry seemingly fresh furrow and bite mark on full display. below his dangling feet is a map, the area he burned susan’s corpse in circled in red marker. did he kill himself or did the ghost do it?

up to u, we soundlessly cut to credits without a concrete answer to that question.

horror movie #3: crossover special! stranger things meets the chilling adventures of sabrina. sequel to that fic i wrote where susan makes out with lilith, queen of hell, and lilith kills neil for her. sue officially joins the church of lilith. bc in this ‘verse the church of lilith actually happens after caos s2 instead of the nonsense that was s3 and the inconceivably godawful migraine-inducing shit-fest that was s4.

killing neil was lilith’s only freebee. susan isn’t a witch, she’s a mortal, so in order to reap the other rewards of worshipping the one and only mother of demons, she has to fornicate with the witches and participate in the sacrifices!!!

this is, uh, well. it’s p much a porno, dude, sorry. 😅

this is just an excuse for susan to have sex with lilith, zelda, marie, hilda, big witch orgies + susan. witches bathing in the blood of their sacrifices, susan so nervous and timid but unable to deny her desire. the witch’s dressing her in their gothic garb.

how does the rest of the fam get it on this?

max joins the church too. she has more age-appropriate conduct with sabrina and the weird sisters, and what have you. just smooches and over-the-clothes groping, and whatnot, even tho the weird sisters, at least, would be interested in going further if given the opportunity.

billy dies in starcourt again, so he gets revived in the cain pit! hilda is the one who goes to him after bc she’s been in the cain pit many a time (i am still BIG side-eyeing zelda for repeatedly murdering her sister since childhood). hilda understands how jarring it can be to come back. suddenly alive!billy is freaking tf out but she brings him inside the mortuary, wraps him up in a big blanket burrito and they have a talk. hilda explains that he’s going to be okay and rubs his back while he tentatively sips the hot chocolate she made.

after billy’s calmed down, she brings max and susan in. max and susan can’t do as much magic as the caos witches— they’re mortals, after all, it’s not in their nature —but they’ve gained some abilities thru being in the church, following the rituals, and being carnally involved with the immortal witches. max happily shows him some of her new magic tricks.

horror movie #4: another crossover with caos. heavily inspired by creepshow episode s2e1, model kid (which i already v blatantly referenced in the last axe snafu update and i’m not ashamed, bc it’s a good series i love v much).

billy picks max up from the byers’ place rly late one night. it’s dark and the weather is bad and okay, yeh, he might be a little high. and a little concussed. he pissed neil off pretty bad the other day and okay, actually he’s defo concussed bc he doesn’t even remember what he did wrong!

needless to say, they take a wrong turn somewhere. they end up in greendale. at first max is pissed. she yells at him a lot! yells so loud hilda can hear them thru the walls of dr. cerberus’s comic shop/diner. she goes outside to see what all the fuss is abt, hilda never rly ignores youth in need. we love hilda, she deserved so much better…i’m getting distracted, okay, back to the story.

hilda ushers them inside. max is like, “ooh, comics? horror junk and comics? nvm, i’m not mad anymore.” she pats billy’s arm and wanders away to go check stuff out! hilda makes billy sit down. caos canon established that she’s psychic, at least when she wants to be. she smells the weed but she also sees his life, his trauma. billy doesn’t remember what he did to piss neil off or the abuse that followed, but hilda sees it clear as day.

he’s rude and cranky w her when she probes a little too much for his liking. hilda gently but firmly reprimands him and gets him a milkshake on this house. then she goes to check on max. she steers max to a v particular section of the shop, the one that sells model kits. now, max isn’t *huge* into model kits BUT they are p neat and she enjoys them well enough. more so when the weather is nasty and she can’t go outside. or when she needs smth to do with her hands (a trait she shares w susan) to distract herself and ease some of the anxiety when she hears her brother being beaten or her mother being shouted at.

max is actually rly impressed by the array of models. vintage ones and newer ones. monsters, slashers, final girls, tiny accessories like knives and bloodied heads. but when she gets to the paint-your-own shelf, her jaw drops to the floor.

there’s one that looks just like neil. unpainted, plain gray vinyl, but undoubtedly her stepdad. the expression on the five inch figurine is one frozen in fear.

“i think that one’s calling to you,” hilda prompts her, with the softest smile.

max blinks away her bewilderment altho she still can’t speak. she turns to hilda and turns her empty pockets inside out. hilda just waves her hand. she tells her it’s on the house. that it wouldn’t be fair if she gave billy smth on the house, but not max.

speaking of billy, when he finishes his milkshake, he’s suddenly totally sober and healed!! no more high buzzing in his blood. no more pounding headache or concussion fogging his mind. he doesn’t feel his bruises anymore, rolls his sleeve up, and realizes they simply aren’t there anymore. like they dissolved off his skin.

albeit it’s muttered under his breath, but billy does thank hilda. then he and max are on their way. max shows him the suspiciously familiar figurine in the box. this night cannot get weirder.

max knows what to do with the model kit. she does. she isn’t sure how she knows, but she does. she grapples with it for a long time. neil’s the closest thing she has to a dad these days. and things aren’t bad all the time, ofc.

sometimes neil gives max a ride when mom and billy aren’t available. sometimes he brings her ice cream entirely unprompted. neil’s the one who picks max up off the sidewalk when she wipes out super bad on her skateboard, carries her inside and then later to the car when her cut doesn’t stop bleeding and she ends up needing stitches.

but most of the time he sucks. she can’t rly be herself around him. he's indifferent to her interest at best, scornful at worst. he would hate all her friends. he scares the shit out of her when he’s angry. he doesn’t have a problem belittling her mother in front of her, tearing susan to shreds and making her out like she’s lower than dirt, the most worthless person on the planet. doesn’t have a problem beating billy in front of her or glaring at her with the promise that she’ll be next if she dares to voice her dissent.

max doesn’t always want to do what she knows she’s meant to do with the model. bc she's kind at heart and bc on the good days, she genuinely does have mixed feelings toward neil. never enough to hope he'll be better, he's proven he won't...but maybe enough to hope he won't get worse, either.

then comes the night neil breaks ribs. bad, like we’re talking, a-sharp-spear-of-broken-rib-punctures-billy’s-lung-and-he’s-coughing-up-blood-bad. that’s a trip to the emergency room. in the days that follow, at her next dnd meeting w the party, max places the fully and attentively painted model of her stepdad on the table. normally her pals would protest her derailing the intended game, but they can sense it, yk, that smth is different.

max takes over as dungeon master to the protest of no one, all other mouths sealed as if bewitched and spellbound. she narrators a scene where the demogorgon devours neil and uses the demogorgon piece and the model for demonstration.

when max returns home, neil is strewn across the house in gory chunks and torn wallpaper curls around massive claw marks.

[volfoss]

how about ranking bucciarati's team?

regret to inform you that ur gonna get a very long answer bc i have passionate feelings about them all! also trish is in this bc she is part of the team and no one will tell me otherwise and will also include some rambling bc it is me and i have so many feelings towards these characters and none of them r cohesive

under the cut just in case (post writing yes it was long)

Giorno Giovanna:

way way more complex than ppl normally give him credit for (i will not go into feelings on how a majority of the fandom treats him unless ppl want me to then i will in fact make a very long ranty post and will not be stopped)

mildly op (esp at the beginning with how hes kind of able to just use his stand really well w no problems altho i think thats true of most of the jojos that we have seen animated?)

i am emotionally attached to him and want to give him a big hug

hes just a kinda goofy kid and is maybe a bit not good with figuring out hey this is a semi dangerous situation maybe i shouldnt be taunting him (leaky eye luca for example)

has the actual best theme

i love how he works off the rest of the team so well (even w members who do not like him)

is in my top 3 jojos i love this kid sm i would adopt him if he was real

7/10

Bruno Bucciarati:

the fucking way his character develops from licky man to best dad material is my favorite thing

his outfit is so so so good i would die to wear it

in general this man is one of my fave jojos characters and i get a lot of comfort from him

hes just really neat and has a good taste in music

he did his fucking best and i will always love him for that

imo the way that his death was drawn out was genuinely one of the most heartbreaking deaths in the entire series and fucks me up each time i think of it

i feel like he really is the one to hold the team together in a way that everyone feels cared for and saved

def has a savior complex tho for sure

dilf but im ace

also manga superiority bc he either makes the stupidest faces or looks very nice (anime has a lot of weird animation in regards to his face) and also because its lingerie there instead of a tattoo that changes thickness and placement every second

10/10

Leone Abbacchio:

guilty pleasure liking man

i am obsessed with his vibes and wish to become him

i cannot physically express just how much i love him but hes one of my faves of all time (not obvious by my theme at all wdym)

i miss his manga palette but also the colored manga isnt my beloved but also black lipstick abba

hot take maybe but anime abba looks better than manga minus the lipstick debacle

hes so so tall and i will steal his height in a nice way

his past man his past it fucks me up

his death fucks me up normally but when i was rewatching recently, i saw he gave this tiny lil smile after helping the kids get their ball and i could not take it anymore

him and brunos relationship (canonically and out of canon too) is one of my favorites in the series

also fandom hot take as i guess i am doing those for everyone- but ppl either have him as cosntantly trying to murder giorno or being like good son and v out of character, and it is really weird? not sayign that ill do better when i write them but also like im convinced some ppl havent seen the show or smth

i will steal both him and bruno and marry them both <3

this man is beloved i love him to death

10/10

Pannacotta Fugo:

i cannot spell his first name to save my life

also fandom take- ppl make him constantly only angry boy all the time and it really irks me. ik araki did not give him 2 much to work w in terms of canon personality but its frustrating

the light novel purple haze feedback is so so so good and adds sm to his character and i really like it for that!

fugo is one of those that imo deserves a lot and didnt get that

genuinely the vibes between how he treats narancia is v interesting to me, like its clear he cares about nara but nara not doing great w math really frustrates him

i love their interactions and how he is genuinely a kind person at times

the manga colors r superior here, my strawberry boy <3

i just really love and appreciate him a lot and wish that ppl gave him more love

i keep getting assigned him on kin quizzes

very smart good boy

ALSO ok fugo did not do any wrong by leaving

unsure if thats a hot take but i genuinely dont blame the character one bit for leaving and again purple haze feedback really delves into that and why he did it

if ur a fugo fan go read it

his past is really upsetting esp in the anime i will cry over it

his stand is adorable and i wanna hug it

his vibes r fun and i wanna gift him strawberry dangly earrings

8/10

Narancia Ghirga:

this boy i am also adopting (i am adopting most of them sorry)

i really hate how ppl act as if hes stupid bc bad math skills do not equal stupid like did ppl not see the fight w formaggio??

the way he just fucking dove into the water after the boat and how brunos face went all soft and happy it will never not make me cry

he is constnatnly making me wanna cry if i think too much about him for 2 seconds i love him sm

how can anyone not adore him when he set an entire street on fire yk

hes just happy despite his past and it makes me sad i love nara sm

torture dance is one of my favorite memes from the show

ALSO ok the way he died so suddenly absolutely broke me bc the remaining team members r really just seeing everyone die in front of them so quickly

his goofy and laid back moments r my fave

i love just how loyal and caring he is to his friends

his stand is really cool and again the fight w formaggio was so fun to watch

8/10

Guido Mista:

probably my least favorite member of the team for a semi good reason:

the jokes towards trish are really really uncomfy and how fugo doesnt wanna be involved but he is pushing him to do something that makes him uncomfortable did not make me like him a lot

hes goofy but not goofy enough for me to be ok with the repeated jokes about that esp in the body swap episode (ik it was supposed to be funny but it just felt off)

his vibes r good but i wish we got to see his hair

the fandom interpretation is normally pretty good of him overall?

despite not loving him a lot, i really enjoying writing for him (one day might open up headcanon requests or smth but unsure)

hes someone id wanna watch movies w but his taste in movies and mine r very different

love how he and his stand get along

honestly has very very good comedic potential

i really like how he and giorno interact as the series goes on (in a platonic way i need to clarify that i love their friendship)

again him in purple haze feedback was really interesting

probably a 5/10?

Trish Una:

beloved and deserved better

her first outfit in the manga > outfit in the anime

actually in general i believe in manga trish superiority like her hair in the manga looks so cool

her stand her stand her stand i love sm

if u dont include trish in the group i am murdering u <3

HER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!! IS SO GOOD!!!!!!

fandom gripe is how people either pretend she does not exist or has the trish first introduction thing where shes using her defense mechanisms and acting a bit spoiled

OK but her in purple haze feedback!!! mild spoilers but how bruno was taking care of her post the ending of vento aureo makes me so happy each time i think of it

very mad that she canonically didnt really get an ending and yet again PHF my beloved actually gave her that

how spice girl starts out as a stand thats helping her thru a very stressful situation is so cool and i love it

DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO *frothes at the mouth*

but more seriously how she leans on bruno and begins 2 trust him and nearly point blank is referring to him as a father figure always fucks me up

esp because of the resulting fight afterwards

and the very ending of the arc that ends w bruno being like bye gonna go in the clouds and look ethereal now, oh man it makes me so sad

bc giorno is the only one that knew what happened and people that were closer to bruno due to knowing him longer didnt

i wanna see how trish coped w that personally

despite being introduced not at the beginning i think her arc and character in general were as well paced as it could be!

9/10

finally done! sorry that took so long but oh man i have so many feelings towards these guys its not even funny

[kimheecheon]

dont mind the proportions n style n shit these are very rough sketches. but pls look at some outfits i whipped for my beloved oc hehe putting together clothes is so fun

very long oc talk below hoohoo

funfun fact abt me but when i was younger i rly liked fashion n even took sewing classes in case i wanted to seriously pursue it but i think as i grew up i realised that i hate designing clothes if i don't know who it's /for/. ppl make fashion choices n it says so much abt them, yk? thats what makes playing dress up so fun! to me the face/body ur born with is just whatever u happen to be born with; its what you deliberately choose w your conscious brain that is more true and 'natural' to you, ykwim? so my ocs tend to have distinctive (to each other) and ostentatious style. miel is traditional-inspired mix-and-match, rough around the edges; zia is evil-futuristic-government-core, monochromatic and structural; roxy is classic hollywood glamour; anna is cutesy frilly pastels; jade is corporate chic (not ostentatious. blegh); and so on and so on. i don't necessarily like them personally, neither are they objectively good, but that's not the point.

now we get to this specific guy. let's call them ellie. ellie is a bit of a recluse, doesn't go out much if at all, doesn't like to /be seen/ there's a backstory ofc but i'm not going there. this is also why i blanked out their face here, i did draw it tho. anw for this reason they don't really dress up, 99% of the time they're just in some black hoodie n sweatpants combo. i imagine their entire wardrobe is just one drawer. black obscures shapes, it works,

but that's not what they're /like/. their favorite color is the entire rainbow, their room is headache-inducing for literally everyone else, with all the hodge podge of bright colors and patterns and random novelty trinkets meticulously arranged on the floor. and if it was up to them, they'd definitely dress in a style similar to that— colorful, whimsical, and fully covered. but they don't have a reason to, right? at home, they just want to wear something comfortable.

but well, when you've had an oc for like 7 years they grow up with you, kinda. ellie is by no means a socialite, still kinda poorly adjusted, but they're much happier now. they want to b alive. experience things. n maybe look cute doing it. they're just beginning to, they want to, but well, they don't /have/ clothes n they're not exactly accustomed to the shopping and dressing up.

but if anything ellie is deeply loved by their (new) friends and family. on god they're making it happen. i can imagine them banding together (ellie included but they're full of doubts, honestly) going through online shops and their personal wardrobes trying to coming-of-age-movie-makeover ellie.

look 1: i call this the "yeah, i, the artist, am a kpop noise fan". but anw this one is styled by roxy (they live together and is almost the same size, convenient). this is neither of their style, but it suits ellie so well (for reasons i cannot elaborate on) (that blue biohazard sign is plot relevant) n that's more important for her. miel has that exact jacket but they had to buy ellie a new one bc they're very different sizes.

look 2: the styling is a collaborative effort between jade and ellie themself, they're married btw. ellie thinks this is the peak of fashion, for now. everything here is actually theirs. the jacket they knitted themselves. the patches they sewed. date night fit.

look 3: the cropped hoodie is borrowed from anna, who is also the stylist. the shein argyle flare jeans and blue vans are borrowed from roxy. anna's definitely most considerate of comfort and accessibility and wear-at-home-bility for [redacted] reasons. and just most considerate in general.

look 4: styled by zia, the only person practical enough to pick a raincoat tbh. shein top borrowed from roxy, again. rainbow umbrella is just ellie's umbrella they've had for a while now

anw. there's a lot of backstory on them that is going to stay in my docs and nowhere else forever, unfortunate since i don't know how to accurately convey just how big this is, im in my feelings man. for ellie and their personal growth, their first sets of going out clothes; the community effort– them feeling they are so, so loved. every single person on ellie's personal stylist team is happy for them, and they feel this, even if clothes may not be that big a deal for most people, this is an achievement for ellie and they celebrate. now the looks themselves may not be stellar, every one of ellie's friends dresses better, free-er, but before ellie gets there they will work their hardest to pick things that ellie would like (but still through their own aesthetic lenses, as ppl tend to do).

do ellie wear these out a lot, as intended? no, they're still a homebody. but they will wear a yellow sweater with purple sweatpants at home too, and things are a little brighter, literally and figuratively.

i love love love making clothes with ppl in them. nd baby? these ones have multiple people in them!

(n, aesthetically speaking, lets savor this intermediate style before ellie gets really comfortable dressing themselves and start wearing things as hedache-inducing as their interior decor sense lmao. though emotionally i cant wait for ellies circus clown era theyll enjoy it a lot)

[eveningclouds]

hiiiii I noticed you have been doing these cute things like spontaneous Tuesday and limiting your social media and I was just wondering why? because I’m trying to be more self reliant emotionally if that makes sense, and I’m just wondering what you’re doing with incorporating these small things into your life!

hiii !! <33 🌷🌷🌷this Will get long wnd i Am on mobile i'msorry i'll add a readmore later 😭

i don't thhink i talk abt it too much but btwn nov 2020 - may 2021 i experienced a pretty rough period of psychosis. i'd experienced this before too, but i think it was exacerbated by the combination of intense physical isolation bc of covid + prolonged increased interaction over social media bc of covid + a series of unexpected upsetting things in my personal life...i questioned reality a LOT. like for example: how can u prove ur friends exist when u only text them? like how do u know ur not texting like an ai on an app with just the name of ur friend? how do u know that ur memories are real if you're the only one who remembers them? how is that different from a dream or imagination?...i developed some pretty strange beliefs from this about 'reality.'

around this same time my sister and i started walking to the park every friday just to get out of the house. it gave us something to look forward to when the rest of our days were monotonous. we got to see other people even if they were strangers. we were exposed to sunlight and physical activity in a fun way. and at first we were really miserable? going to the swings in 40 degree slush is not super fun. but it turned out that even just having new things to complain about helped vary our routines. and eventually i was able to ease out of the feeling that i was constantly being Watched by some omnipresent Spectre that was weaving my life in order to enrich someone else's dream universe or whatever. bc once i picked up an internship and started walking to the park and got a job i just had less time to sit around and talk myself into circles?

i always thought i had a healthy relationship with social media. i kept my harry stuff on here and found a rly cool community of people to talk to when i was rly bored and lonely. and i logged into insta once or twice a week just to check my friends' dms. but u don't rly realize how much of an effect it has on u to have continuous access to an online universe that has real Tangible impacts on ur worldview yet cannot be held in ur hands until u take time away from it. like even tho i put SO much effort into maintaining boundaries, for example by not reblogging pap pics or initially i would never even say that i 'loved' him or anything, just the fact that u have access to so much information changes the way u think ! it's kind of like with alcohol, u don't realize u have a dependence until u try going a week or two without it n realizing hey wait a minute...it IS way harder to stop than i thought it'd be

when i go on a four hour scroll on the internet, in the aftermath i just feel really fuzzy and frustrated. in a few days, i won't even remember what i read. like that short term satisfaction is fun but it also is such a time suck yk...but when i take a fifteen minute walk outside, i usually end up feeling so refreshed afterwards even if i was convinced it wouldn't be worth it. and in a few days, i'll still be able to recollect some person's cool outfit i saw or some flowers or sth. it makes me feel more engaged with and in control of my life when i break out of the internet scrolling inertia.

spontaneous tuesdays give me sth to look forward to! i struggle w True spontaneity #autism so i schedule them, but they help me regulate my time better, get used to doing things alone (usually), and add an element of comfortable unpredictability into my routine. social media breaks make me more conscious about how much time i spend on social media - what i'm gaining and what i'm losing - and also basically force me to keep up with my other hobbies like reading and art. i feel centered when i read a book and i feel accomplished when i draw a picture, two feelings i hardly associate with social media. i think they're both just about mindfulness? like...noticing and engaging with my surroundings with more intention and care for myself. it's really hard at first bc obv i'd rather spend my class-free day laying in bed instewd of lost on the subway!! but at the end of the day i'm always glad i've gone through with it :)