#yesterday was fcking tERRIFYING for me

[cachien]

.

[lady-lycany]

Writing this down cuz my anxiety is over the clouds rn

I just had a moment where- for a few seconds- dream and reality got mixed up and now idk what's real and what not

Last night I only had like 2 hours of sleep and tonight I put my phone down, where my alarm clock told me that I had 8h8mins left to sleep...

Now where I checked, I still had 7 hours of sleep left... And I was laying awake for at least 30mins, after putting the phone down... I felt like I slept for at least 4hours. How were that only a couple of minutes?... Anyway... The mixup...

I was laying in bed and a force pushed my head down. I screamed up and hid under the covers, knowing that something was standing right in front of my bed (I saw it but I don't remember what it was)... While staying under the covers, I reached for my lightswitch and as soon as the lights where on, I looked through the room, confused why no one was there... Dude this felt so fcking real, that I literally screamed for my life. I've never had that before (in fact whenever people did that in movies I was like 'hah how fake'). But everything happened in such a blur, that I don't know exactly, what of all that happened while I was asleep and what while I was awake.

It's even funnier how I watched yesterday the leaked trailer of the edge of sleep where Mark is playing a role, and it's about a sickness or something that klls people in their sleep. the melody in the trailer is the song "dream a little dream of me" and that's the first thing I had in mind after waking up. Even though it took a while to know, that I'm actually awake (I'm still not 100% sure, that's why I'm leaving everyhwere a digital footprint now)

I'll try to sleep now again but geez I'm terrified

What's going on?

[useless-germanyfacts]

every time i experience any kind of pain but dont do shit about it because “maybe it’ll get better tomorrow” i have to think about that one tumblr post (?) that was like “ppl in germany have free healthcare but still never see a doctor” and man were they right ..

[hello-sad-im-dad]

"Here Comes The End" By Gerard Way Theory

Okay so I was looking at the lyrics for the song because I'm fcking ecstatic and I found some interesting things that kind of "connect it" to mcr so yeah here's all of that:

1. First of all on the picture that was posted yesterday hinting about the song I looked at the tag list and found this,

The umbrella academy account TAGGED MCR ON THE POST, and today checking the mcr account I saw that they also posted about the song AND the trailer.

that might just be Gerard's way of promoting it in any way he can but I'm desperate so shhh

And now the more interesting stuff...

2. When I was looking at the lyrics for the song (which are in the description of the video on youtube) I found a lot of similarities between them and old mcr songs. I'll list the main ones here:

1.

Here comes the end: "The riot squads are restless and there's no more light"

But wait, haven't I heard that before??

Maybe on the Desolation Row lyrics??

Which say "and the riot squad they're restless, they need somewhere to go"??

And that's not it.

Here comes the end: "Cuz they got nothing to say"

Hang em' high:

- "well, I've got something to say"

- "cause she's got nothing to say"

Aaaaand Disenchanted: "you're just a sad song with nothing to say"

Here comes the end: "Will we all fall down?"

Desert song: "Did we all fall down?"

And also the "Now can you feel can you feel it"s on Here Comes The End and the "How can I see I see you lying"s on famous last words.

I'm not saying this means anything because I'm terrified I'll get disappointed but they all exist...

Plus the word photograph appears on Here Comes the End and also on Bulletproof Heart and I Never Told You What I do For a Living and I'm not Okay (I promise).

I may have a bit of a problem but I need hope and honestly I doubt Gerard didn't notice any of those references.

Also The End is an mcr song and that might mean that the "real end" of mcr is coming.

There are also so many small things that might be reference like the broken mask thing can be about danger days (or corona but you know) and walls coming down could be related to Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back.

Lmao I just need to put this out there so please forgive me if I'm wrong and feel free to reblog with more similarities you find or anything you might have to add :)

[notabloodykiller]

Yesterday, I found a scary looking insect on the top of my wall in my bathroom. I didn't even know what that thing should be, but it had such long hind legs... And if it got that, it means that it could jump. Really. Big. Fcking. Jumps.

So, of course I tried to eliminate the little monster, being completely terrified of it. At first, I wanted to cup it and bring it outside... Let's just say that I was too scared to do it. After that I wanted to throw a shoe at it, but was scared that I wouldn't hit it. Theeeen I got a fly swatter, but it was too short and I didn't want to go into the bathroom. I just kinda... Hid behind the door the whole time. Anyways, I got a broom and tried to smash it, but this thing straight from hell casually crawled out from under it...

At this point I got the idea, that this creature was a grasshopper. I was still terrified of it.

After the broom didn't work, I got something like a mop. I don't know how to call it, ok? It's this mop from swiffers. Anyways, I wanted to smash it. Carefully. Firstly, I tried to block the front, so it doesn't hop away. Then the left side and then-

Well. Then, it jump right on me. I think I never screamed that loud in my life. I ran to the living room, was crying and scared as hell.

After that I searched again for it, found it directly infront of the door and left it there. Maybe it would just die from alone. It didn't. It was still there in the evening. And I ran out from the bathroom. Again.

[fjordfolk]

taylor-luna replied to your post “god fcking sheep. normally they notice us (eventually) and fuck right...”

oh god, there was this one field i entered once which was a public right of way. entire flock of sheep started trying to approach me and luna and ive never been more terrified

they really are mildly terrifying when they all gang up like that, all superiority in numbers and empty eyes

usually sheep here might be like oh hey what’s that who are you, nevermind bye but this ONE neighbours sheep are so tame that yesterday one came up and just. bopped sparta with its muzzle. 

[thingsandtrichotillomania]

Tired

Here I am supposed to being doing notes, but instead I am writing this post. And checking my ULink. I still owe $617 but there is $1,000 pending for financial aid, so I guess I owe nothing.  

I made this post because I am tired. Last night’s sleep was shit, woke up too many times and way too early. For sure going to be tired tonight. I have work from 4-9. Work has been okay, my sister just got a job there. I’m a bit worried as it’s her 4th day today but I’m driving for some reason. I didn’t ask to. But I guess they needed me to. And she comes in at 3. So idk.

I’m sick of school work. It’s the end of the 3rd week and I still have to do these notes, reply to some people for 315, and then watch like 3 hours of lectures. I for sure won’t get to those lectures. And it makes me upset that I didn’t finish everything for this week. I’m worried about missing the lectures and important information.

Last night a thought popped into my head (as they do when one can not sleep) and I just want a break. From everything. I need a break from school, from work, and from being mentally ill. I know I could somehow do those first two things. I mention that last one because yesterday, I was trying to take a pill that my doctor prescribed. I am terrified of choking so I haven’t ever had pills before. And I just sobbed. I shouldn’t have. It’s only a small pill. But I was just so scared. It’s like half of me wanted to take the damn thing and get it over with and the other half was scared. There is no real reason to be scared of taking a pill and it made me mad. I felt like I shouldn’t have been that worried. 

I don’t know. I am just exhausted. From it all. I don’t want to die, that gives me anxiety. The thought that I’ll be old one day and just kick the bucket and be buried. Fcking that thought scares me. Well, I guess I’ll get to my notes.

January 31st, 2021

[xelere]

tw long rant cus i need to breathe

wow the fight i had with dad that made me depressed af.... i had it now with my white brother and his wife and partly with my mom too

they talked abt having their kids kidnapped would be the worst and i jokingly said ”haha thats me” cus i need to deal with it

and my brother starts to lecture me and then just completely insensitive says ”but werent you abandoned on the streets i dont think china-” oh here we go again

my kind but weak mom goes; ”no actually a police station” as if that was any better??? she has NEVER stood up for me, no one has. maybe she wants to and agrees with me cus shes the smartast in our family but she never had the GUTS to and the same for my other brother they be agreeing or at least UNDERSTANDING and maybe RESPECT me a little but nor enough to ever have mt back those fkn pussies

then we start to fight and i start to cry again cus im so FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY of having a white family and i CANT EVER REST I CANT REST ANYWHERE WHERE IS MY FUCKING SAFE SPACE CAN I BREATHE

and then his wife goes ”but linn.... now im getting angry you cant just accuse him of being subtle racist!!” and shes always quiet an i always thought she was lile smarter than my stupid brother but obviously.... not

and i just give up.... im a fcking minority in my own family. not to get too personal but my little sister would never have the guts to do this cus shes afraid of conflicts. i ALWAYS have to shut the fuck up in family reuinions. and just because i came with trauma, i was an angry and anxious baby, always screaming and thanks to that being labelled as ”problematic and annoying and angry” by everyone who didnt know how to handle me - thanks to that people STILL think they have the right to silence me. im a grown ass woman, im fucking 19 years old and everyone in my family still rolls their eyes at me and goes ”but linn....”

im so fucking tired. im so fucking tired. and i say that. i tell them im tired and that this is why i want to die cus thats exactly why and my brother starts to laugh and like.... accuse me and shit for not ving grateful cus he wants ro defend mom or smth like.... excuse me youre her fucking biolocigal son you have your own fkn mother right here and everyone in this ugly country looks and thinks wxacrly like you

honestly im too tired to write all this shit down cus i could go on for ages in literalky gonna WRITE A FUCKING BIOGRAPHY ONE DAY IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED I GOT NO FUCKING WHERE TO VENT GOD I HATW MY FAMILY I GET IT HAVING AN ASIAN ANTIBLACK CLASSIST HOMOPHPBIC FAMILY WOULD BE BAD TOO BUT LIKE....... at least it would be my family at least they would look like me and not be racist against me?

and what makes me the most sad is that my adoptive family is still better than like 90% the only difference eis that most adoptees dont dare to ”come out” like this, criticizing their own adoption bc ffs we’re terrified of being abandoned. its just....... theyre so fucing dumb. they dont know shit about racism or adoption and like.... thats kinda essential. no one repsects me in this family except for my mom but shes a fucking coward, always in the middle. everyone else talks down on me and i didnt notice like YESTERDAY DURING MY LAST BREAKDOWN THAT WASNT ABT ADOPTION BUT WAS ABT MY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DAD AND HOW I REALIZED HE ALWAYS TREATED ME AND MY SISTER LILE SHIT AND BLAMES MY TRAUMA ON ME SO NOW MY WHOLE FAMILY TREATS MW LIKE A PROBLEMATIC WEIRD KID

i want to leave this family so sad but i dont have any friends cus im too mentally unstable to keep friends and i also have a little sister i need to protest but FOR FUCKSS SAKE TOURE RUCKING 15 AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BISEXUAL IS like im so done with her too, ive proteced her so much, just because i WAS the angry problematic kid i ALWAYS took the fights for thet cus shes a scared rabbit but she never give me a thank you, never says she appreciates it, always throwing me under the bus when dad accuse us of something and i used to accept it cus i know she was too scared of him BUT AGTER ALL THIS TIME AFTER EVERYTHING IVE DONE FOR HER SHES FUCKING 15 SHE KNOWS I HAVE HER BACK IVE BEEN PRTOEVTING HER EVER SINCE THEIR DIVORCE WHEB OUR GROWN ASS ADULT 21+ BROTHERS LEFT US AND I WAS LIKE FUCKING 11 YEARS OLD I PROTECETED HER AND I NEVER GET ANYTHING AND IF I STOP TALKING TO HER SHE WONT EVWR TALK TO ME BECAUSE THATS HOW ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS WORK

i lost all respect for my brother. i knew he was a racist dumbass but like.... he really sig there and laugh and accuse me and guilt trips me when i tell him his dumb ignorant ass is the reason i want o die. this is why i wanna fake my suicide so i can revenge them but i also dont cus then i’d just give in and be one of all those adoptees who commoted suicide and whos gonna fight for them IF NOT ME CUS I ALWAYS DO FKN EVERYTHING. this is also why i low key think i got bpd or smth cus i always want to kill ppl like my family or myself or why not BOTH

cant wait for tomorrow where i have to face everyone and were gonna pretend like NOTHING happened. you know why i came here with my mom and visited??? BECAUSE I WANTED TO TAKE A PAUSE FROM MY DAD AFTER THE SIMILAR SUICIDE THREATENING PANOC ATTACK FIGHT I HAD LIKE YESTERDAY

i just gotta accept tjat my family is totally shit right? i just gotta live through it? this is why i never wanna have kids in sweden. like yeah i’ll probably still be in contact cus im only human, i love my parents and my family ofc.... but like........ I AM NOT TRUSTING THEM. MY REAL FAMILY IS HONESTLY OTHER WOC ONLINE AND OTHER TRANSRACIAL ADOPTEES (the smart oens not the whitewashed ones i try not to blame them but im really fkn tired lf having to protest them and clean up and defend them)

i remember when i was like this every single day....... i DONT WANT IT TO COME BACK IM SO TIRED HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO THREATEN WITH SUICIDE AND SHIT FOR MY FAMILY TO LIEK..... TAKE ME SERIOSULY NO ONE EVER HELPS ME I EVEN GAVE UP ON MY PARENTS I WANTED THEM TO READ ON RACISM BUT THEY REFUSED AT ELAST MY DAD, SO I KNOW I ONLY GO WITH STOP TRIGGERING ME BUT LIEK...... IVE THOUGHT SO MICH FOR MY MOM TO BE QHERE SHW IS TODAY WHOCH IS LIKE THIS COWARD BUT AT LEAST SHE CLMFLRTS ME AFTERWARDS AND IM TOO TIRED TO HAVE TO CONVERT AND EDUCATED MY WHOLE FKN FAMILY WHEN THEY DONT DO SHIT TO LEARN FOR ME

i just gotta smile and wave and pretend to love my brother when he didnt do shit when they divorced, mom got ptsd and i went through AT LEAST A THIRD ABANDONMENT, and he doesnt do shit now all he thinks about is how i accuse him of being racist cus he doesnt understand systems and structures which i blamed it on but tbh he’s the famiöy’s racist he really is hems always been cus hes so fkn stupid he’s joked abt muslims and chinese and black ppl and everything im only pretending its the systematic so my mom doesnt get angry lmao but he.... IS..... not ONLY like all the other white people..... but he IS...... for real

and giys..... i left so much of my anger out in this post cus im too tired and mt phone is gonna die but that vreqkdown i had recently....... i wrote like 50+ posts and theyre SOOOOO LONG and also more wellwritten im just saying to give you a perspektivet of how ISOLATED AND DESPERATE I AM IM DESPERATE BITCHES I HINESTLY THINK IM GONNA DIE IF I KEEP STAYONG HERE I WANT TO ASIA I WANT TO SOMEWEHRE MULTICULTURAL I WANT FRIENDS I AM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM DYING IM DYING AND IF IM DYING IM GONNA BRING DOWN MY WHOLE FAMILY AND EVERY WHITE PERSON AND EVERY NON ADOPTEE WITH ME

[aquarianlights]

PSA to everyone who knows me and interacts with me:

I don’t know what’s happened to me or what’s happening. I don’t know if their lupus/fibro diagnosis (I’ll know which sometime this month or next) is causing this, if the meds they put me on for it is causing this, if the lack of drugs I have is causing it, if my psych meds are fucked or need to be switched or adjusted or whatever I DON’T KNOW

But I am angry. I have never experienced black-out anger as I have these past few weeks. I spent approximately 6 hours driving and in and out of stores yesterday without any memory or knowledge of it happening because I was blacked out from anger. There is proof in voice clips I sent to both Tiffy and Chelle. It was terrifying for me and those in contact with me.

Usually the only time I black out from anger is when I have weed in my system, if someone is smoking weed in the vicinity of me, or if I have ingested some sort of herbal/natural remedy (ESPECIALLY weed).

I don’t NORMALLY black out from anger without something herbal to stimulate this (normally weed). I will not get angry to the point of beating someone until they stop breathing unless there is something like weed in my system.

Yesterday....I was not in the vicinity of anything herbal. Definitely not weed. There were no chances of me ingesting anything. Yet, somehow, there are 6 hours missing from my day from pure rage.

I am scared. I am hurting myself every night. And it’s not enough. Even if I get enough blood out of myself that I’m lightheaded from blood loss, it’s not enough. No matter how deep I cut, it’s not enough. No matter how many pills I put into my system, it’s not enough. Nothing is enough.

Psychs can’t help me. All they can do is drug me. And I am never going back to anti-psychs. NEVER. And I will NEVER allow myself to be institutionalized again. NEVER.

Psychs are trained to deal with people with depression, anxiety, marital problems, autism, whatever the fuck. . . NORMAL mental illnesses. They aren’t trained for a combination of BPD, schizo-affective disorder, and socio or psychopathy. I REALLY WISH SOMEONE WOULD EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THEY WROTE DOWN SOCIO AND VERBALLY SAID PSYCHO BECAUSE APPARENTLY THERE IS A DIFFERENCE AND I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUCKING SYNONYMOUS UNTIL...until a friend told me when I was diagnosed that there’s a difference.

I’m beyond my limit. I’m to the point at where cutting isn’t enough. Seeing blood pool isn’t enough. Holding globs of blood in my hands isn’t enough. Slicing and stabbing away at myself isn’t enough. I can’t go any deeper. I can’t go any harder. I can’t......

There’s not enough drugs. I can maybe down 10-15 valium with just mild respiratory depression that won’t kill me but I don’t WANT TO EXPERIENCE RESPIRATORY DEPRESSION AT ALL but anything less than that WON’T BE ENOUGH TO NUMB THE PAIN both psychological and physical

And I don’t have enough

I don’t

There’s other things

I have a pain appointment tomorrow at a pain clinic but I dounbt they will be any help since I don’t have all my pill bottles and am mising one key bottle which will make me look like an addict, which I AM AN ADDICT but the fact is, I’m not LOOKING for this script they can give me which is narcotics as an addict. I’m looking at it for a way to FUCKING GET OUT OF BED AND FUNCTION FOR AT LEAST 6 HOURS A DAY. To drive my car, to play with my dog, to walk my dog, to go to school, to get a job, to get an internship, TO FUNCTION TO FUNCTION TO BE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. Nsaids don’t work alone, narcotics don’t work alone, THAT’S WHY THIS SCRIPT COULD BE MY SAVING FUCKING GRACE but will they help me like I need to be helped? Probably not because I don’t have all my pill bottles

So wyhen I get home tomorrow after the pain clinic trip....and they deny me like I nknow they will...that will be it. That will be fucking it and I won’t be able to take it anymore

There is a spot on the human body that, if cut, you will bleed out in approximately 20 minutes, give or take, and be unconscious for about 10-15 minutes of that, give or take. But the time you are awake, you will be in excruciating pain. If you can get through that and gt to the point of passing out, you’re solid. As long as no one finds you. But if some CRUEL FCKING PERSON were to call 911 and “save you”, you’d never be able to use your hand again. And for someone with dreams of becoming a surgeon, that’s not something I can risk unless I know for sure no one is going to find me for those FULL 20 FUCKING MINUTES

But I can’t...I can’t guarantee that so I can’t do it.

I’m angry. I’m constantly angry and idk if this is normal with chronic physical pain as bad as mine is. I’m so angry I could beat someone to a pulp until they stop breathing. I won’t, but I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO. And boy would it help a fuckton. But I won’t. At least, not today. Not while there’s still this stupid chance of hope I’m giving myself.

is this normal? With moderate-severe chronic pain? With a scary undiagnosed illness? I’ve never dealt with internal physical pain like this that disabled me from doing normal every day activities. I expected to be a completely able-bodied person for life.

And I’m mad. I’m angry. I’M FURIOUS. I WANT TO DESTROY THINGS AND HUMAN BEINGS FROM THE INSIDE OUT! I want to punch someone in their stomach and grab their intestines and rip them out with my bare hands and wrap them around their own throat and stand over them while they struggle to live as the life seeps out of their eyes.

They aren’t just intrusive thoughts anymore. They’re seeping into my dreams. My nightmares? They feel more like dreams because every time I kill someone in my dreams.....I wake up and feel so much more relaxed and so much better mentally.

Is this normal with chronic physical pain? Is anger normal? Are these dreams nromal? Are intrusive thoughts suddenly coming to life in dreams normal? Are intrusive thoughts becoming desires real because of physical pain?

Maybe these meds are interacting with my psych meds or my disorders themselves.

I don’t know who toeven call to help. I’m trying to get in touch with a psych BUT PSYCHS AREN’T TRAINED TO HANDLE PATIENTS LIKE ME. I don’t know who to call or where to go and I WILL NOT BE LOCKD UP AGAIN. I REFUSE. I REFUSE TO BE LOCKED UP AND I REFUSE TO SPEND 7 MORE YEARS DRUGGED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Maybe everything will resolve itself.

A lot of other major life things have just happened so maybe it’s not solely this?

I’m so angry I could kill. Not an animal, ofc. NEver an animal. But a human being? Sure. I won’t. I can’t. But I want to.

FUcking hell I just want the pain to stop. I want everythingto stop. I want to die but I can’t and I don’t even know WHY I CAN’T ANYMORE.

Does it end? Does itever end? Does the pain go away? Do the meds go away?

DOES THE ANGER GO AWAY?

This was intended as a psa to tell yu guys that when interacting with me, I will probably be mean and awful and horrible and maybe even ruthlessly cruel. But...it’s not you. You did nothing wrong.

WHEN DOES IT END!?