#yesterday i was mad about religion with my mom but today

[bunni-bun]

⚔️.

[haechanokeh]

I'm Right For You [pt.9]

pairing: popular college! mark x average! reader

genre: romance, smut, angst, series.

warning (general): corruption, oral sex (both receiving and giving), cream pie, rough sex, mention of religion, rough sex, self-esteem, public sex, sub! reader, sex toys. possessive mark two-faced mark

[teaser] [ Chapter 1 ] [ Chapter 2 ] [ Chapter 3 ] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8]

when mark said that he will not touch you, he failed again. you're sore everywhere and exhausted.

"y/n?" mark poked your cheeks but you didn't respond at all or move an inch. you're weightlessly lying on top of him, cheek squished against his hard chest, arms on each side of his head, and legs spread, dick still touching your stickiness. you can still that the mixed liquids are dripping from you and mark also can feel it.

he played the tips of your hair.

"i love you." he whispered on top of your head and gave it a kiss.

"-mm too." you mumbled. he grinned as he fined it cute.

his phone suddenly rang and it wasn't that far so he reached for it. it's his mom. mark answered the call.

"mom?" he answered with forehead wrinkled in curiosity. it made you flinched and made you panic, you stopped yourself from cursing and was about to get off from mark's body but his hand on top of your lower back pushed you down preventing you from moving.

"stay still." he said with his commanding tone. so you did yet hoping that his mom didn't hear him.

"mark, where are you? your classmates are already here, they told me you weren't in class? what happened?" you could hear the concerned mother from the phone. your heart beating fast in panic and nervousness.

shit, they already knew he skipped class?

"where are my classmates? what do you mean?" mark ignore his mother's question on what happened why he's not in classes.

"we have worship service today mark, remember? you even invited your classmates"

you saw mark squeezed his nose bridge, brows furrowed, and he looked like he screwed up. it felt like you're at fault, if only you stopped mark from bringing you here and just pushed him to attend class. the truth was you loved the idea of staying alone with mark but now you could tell, it wasn't a good idea.

"mom, i'm sorry i forgot. it's because..." his eyes landed on you. mark saw your guilty face. he gave you a reassuring smile and caressed your cheeks. "have the headache today, i'm feeling under the weather mom. sorry."

he lied. you bit your lower lip. mark is a devoted christian and he will never lie about this kind of matter.

"oh my, okay okay. do you want us to go there?" his mom asked, totally fell from his son. mark's mom knew his son as someone who will lie and mark never skipped the worships unless he's sick.

"no, mom i'm fine. just have to rest." he replied. his mom told him to get enough sleep before she hangs up. mark placed his phone beside him.

"mark, you did not attend your worship." you were obviously guilty. "we should've gone to school."

mark didn't like the mood you're giving him, he translated it as if you regretted spending your day with him, alone. he also doesn't like that you're blaming yourself.

"but i got to spend my time alone with you, there's nothing wrong with it." mark smiled at you. his smiles always make your heart flutter but, this one... it's strange. "we don't have to worry about anything, won't go to hell for my absence in worship and my grades won't fall for skipping for a day." mark tucked some strand of hair in your face and tucked it behind your ear. there's no guilt or remorse for skipping two things that his world used to revolve into.

"you and me, that's only matters, hmm? do you not like being with me, y/n?" mark eyes were dark and icy, he smiled but it was cold. it made your blood run cold. he was asking you but he clearly was ordering you to answer him what he wanted to hear from you.

but it's taking you so long, mark looked slightly upset.

"y/n?" his hand grabbed your cheeks and squeezed it but it didn't hurt you, it was playfully but it felt like your heart was stabbed by cold spiked ice.

"yes." finally respond to him with a forced smile.

maybe he's lying, maybe he's just making me feel less bad.

you locked your front door and get inside in mark's car.

"how's your sleep." he started to drive the car.

"insufficient, i still want to sleep." you yawned. mark looked at you.

"do you want to sleep in my condo or your house?" he said.

"what? no, i'm good. i'll just sleep in class." you joked. mark smiled but he knew you will really fall asleep especially during pharma marketing.

"so, does your mom know that i exist?" mark changed the subject. you went silent. "no plans in introducing me to your mother?" he was calmly laughing but he's slightly upset.

"ahm no, well... she doesn't even know i gave friends but ahm, if she has a chance to meet ahm..." he touched your hand and squeezed it.

"relax, i know your mom is very busy." mark intertwined your hands with his. you're staring at him.

he's switching mood so fast.

"you're not yet even my girlfriend... yet." he added. he glanced at me and raised his brow but smirking.

"you can ask me again though..." you lowered your voice but you made sure that he will hear it.

his head quickly turned to you and you burst into laughter when you saw his eyes bulging out.

"yow, dude are you serious?!" his voice cracked and you couldn't stop laughing. you nodded your head.

"but mark if you want me to be your girlfriend, don't call me dude. okay?" you teased him.

"then can I be your girlfriend-- wait what?" both of you looked confused.

"mark!" you threw your head back and shaking in laughter.

"I mean, can you be my girlfriend, dang it." you chuckled and squeezed his hand.

"yes." your eyes were locking. "but eyes on the road."

"oh, yes! right!" he panicked.

it's been only 1 hour after you officially became his girlfriend but he's already pouting.

"mark, we should be careful. i don't like to be the center of attention just because you're my boyfriend." you said.

he stayed silent. well, he kept on insisting that both of you enter the school at the same time but you decline it because it's better if one of you go first just to avoid suspicion.

"I'm going first, okay?" you gave him a calming smile but it didn't reach him. he just stared at the steering wheel. you sighed and just stepped out of the car.

when you entered the room, same morning, no one greets you because the only person who greets you was sulking in his car. you sat on your usual chair, your class has no fix seating arrangement but everyone knows that the corner on the fourth row is your seat.

"hey." you looked up and saw lucas sitting beside you.

"hey." you smiled at him.

"where were you yesterday?" he put down his bag. you already prepared your excuse.

"fetch my mom in the airport." though your mom use land transpo.

"oh, i see well mark is absent to- oh hey dude." lucas offered his hand to mark for hand shake.

you looked up, he's infront of you but he's staring at lucas with his emotionless face. lucas fingers where slowly folding because it seems like mark will not take it.

"move, that's my seat." mark's voice was frosty and slightly loud but it didn't raise a pitch.

"dude, you seat everywhe-" lucas didn't finish his word when mark grabbed his shirt. he was looking up to mark who's standing and towering him.

everyone was alarmed and stood from their seats, including you.

"mark, calm down..." everyone was trying to pull you away from him, some were trying to remove his hand from lucas' shirt.

"mark!" you grabbed his arm and tried to pull him away from lucas who's stop dead in track on the seat.

"you thought you can have her just because everyone kept on saying that you and y/n look good together, that doesn't mean you can have her! stay away from my girlfriend!" he spat harshly. everyone saw the mark that they never expect to meet, eyes dark and glaring.

your jaw dropped when he announced your relationship that wasn't supposed to be revealed.

"mark!" you stomp on your feet and tried to pull his arms once more. "mark, let's talk!"

some of your classmates were staring at you and you started to over analyze it. your felt embarrassed and in verge of crying.

"mark, please." you voice was shaking and tears started to fell from your eyes.

when mark heard that voice he quickly went back in his senses and looked at you. he freed lucas and forget that they exist. mark was about to cup your face but you stepped back.

"let's talk, outside."

mark followed you until you reach the front gate of your school. you brought your bag because you haven't remove it from your back and so was he.

"what was that?" you angrily turned to face him.

"he likes you, but he doesn't like you like ido-"

"i don't care about him!" you raised your voice. mark was surprised from your voice and angry face. your chest was heaving and nose flaring, you face is also redden in anger.

you know that lucas doesn't like you anyway which made you angry more.

"i told you, we're not supposed to tell them that we're together."

"i didn't agree, because if i agree with you, that boy will try ask you out." he pointed his finger to you. "why are you so mad, i just tried to warn him."

"you just made a scene mark! that's not you!" you pointed your finger back at him.

"and you're not suppose to be talking to anyone or get too close to anyone because that's not you. i am the only one who talks to you, all these years i am the only one who notices you and they never did so i don't understand how did lucas casually sitting on the seat beside you which is by the way my seat." he growled, his face was inches away from you but his breath fanning your face. he was fuming in anger.

"you are mine, they are not like what you think they are. they are bunch of losers, blood suckers. i lied when i said that they want to befriend you, they never mention you because they don't care. i am the only person who tried to get close to you so fucking stay away from them!" he shouted.

you flinched. you were staring at him as if you're looking for something... or someone.

"who are you?" you whispered. "where's the mark that everybody loves? the kind mark that i always look up to?"

mark face slowly soften when he realized what kind of behavior he was giving you.

"you only like me because i'm kind." he looked disappointed. again, he wasn't supposed to feel that way.

"no, i love you because you're lovely." you sobbed. you bit your lip and burst into tears. you shook your head. "don't go after me." you were dead serious and walked away from him.

✨if you want to be added in I’m Right For You Tag List, you can DM or Ask me so i can add you ✨

Tag List: @babylion-mork @lalaname @cloudykeiji @jjikyuu @sunshinedhyuck @wassup-haeyadwae @mrklyy @resceluwu @jenonctcity @wanlore @watermelonlovermark @erisxczenie

[fallen-chances]

@nightlist tagged me in a fun little thingie, but I'm weird about those threads so I'm doing a new post for it.

Relationship Status: tentative trying out a LDR with a long-term friend. so.. taken then, I guess.

Favorite Color: In general probably a deep purple.

Favorite Food: Hmm. Always a hard decision. I miss my dad's pork chops, honestly.

Song Stuck In My Head: Losing my Religion. It came up on my store's music playlist yesterday and has been rattling around in my brain since.

Time: ...late.

Dream Trip: Very classic, but Greece. I really wanna see all the olde niche ruins that don't have a bunch of tourist shit. Like the ruins of Sparta are no where near as fancy as Athens, but it would still be super cool. If not that, then Norway to see my partner :)

Last Book Read: I was reading Dracula with the rest of Tumblr for a while, but fell off :(

Last Book I Enjoyed Reading: It's been so long since I've read an ACTUAL book. I was reading Master and Apprentice (star wars) which was pretty good, tbh!

Last Book I Hated Reading: A few years ago I was trying to read The Vampire Lestat but I fell off like 1/3 of the way through bc it got really... Weird. And also Anne Rice's writing is a nightmare sometimes to get through. Took me like a month just to finish Interview With The Vampire.

Favorite thing to cook/bake: Bread is really fun to make but I'm bad at it. Any sort of baking is fun, actually. I kinda wanna make banana bread I bought stuff for it today!

Favorite Spare Time Craft: Drawing or writing!

Niche Dislike: Bc of working in retail I now despise anyone who picks up a product and puts it down somewhere else. My mom did that today while grocery shopping and I got mad about it.

Opinion on Circuses: Kinda fucked up. I'm sure the new modern ones are better but I've never been to one.

tagging! hm idk. @witchy--mama, @kagrenacs (i can't remember your non-tes blog or I'd tag it), @dunebugs, @temporalteardrop, @miraculan. No fuss if you don't want to do it, and anyone I didn't tag that wants to do it is free to, say I tagged.

[one-abuse-survivor]

This might be a weird question, but is it normal for one person to go off on/lecture the other over small things in a romantic relationship?

Yesterday, I was telling my dad that I wanted to dye my hair, and he told me he would ask my mom. Today, he told me that he asked her, and she “exploded like a cat whose tail had been stepped on.”

He said that she just went off on him, going on and on about why it was a terrible idea. She didn’t stop there, though. She went on to lecture him for one incident, days ago, where he had told me that I didn’t have to eat a fruit after dinner (I was not hungry, but my mom would not stop harassing me over it). She basically told him that it was all his fault that I was not eating fruit anymore (I was, for the record, still eating fruit; I just had no appetite, so I was “only” eating two or three fruits a day).

When I asked my dad about this, he said that all romantic partners have flaws, so even if he had not married her, someone else would have had different flaws, just like how both he and my mom had their own flaws.

But it seems to my that the way my mom acts is a little extreme—she lectures my dad and me very often, and she always invalidates both our emotions. Both of us have some issues with falling asleep, and she’s always lecturing us for not listening to her and trying whatever “technique” she has. The thing is, though, that she starts acting all annoyed when we don’t do exactly what she says, even if what she says only makes things worse. She’s had an interest in spirituality, which is fine, but then she starts scolding us for not going by whatever she says.

A while back, we all got COVID, and she started getting mad at him for something and talking about how she needs to express her feelings. When it’s him, though, he apparently needs to just “change” his anger. He needs to just stop being worried.

Sometimes, she will even get mad at me for something, not because I did anything wrong, but because she was in a bad mood, and my dad will agree with her. Later, though, when I ask him, he tells me that he doesn’t really agree; he just didn’t want her on his case. I can’t even blame him because I do the same thing (my mom badmouths my dad a lot to me, and me a lot to my dad, and gets mad if we don’t agree with her).

My dad even helps me keep secrets from her—not about big things, but about little things that we both know will set her off (we dared to eat ice cream; I bought a shirt WITH MY OWN MONEY that was not on sale; other small things).

He even got her a new car for her anniversary, complete with a red ribbon, and while she was super happy, she later started joking about how it was the wrong color. He did so much, and this is how she reacts?

Is the way my mom acts really such a normal thing in romantic relationships (or parent/child relationships, for that matter)? I’ve never been in romantic relationship, and my only other examples of romance are my aunt and uncle, who constant have screaming matches and passive aggression so obvious even I can pick up on it, and my grandparents, who were in an arranged marriage. I just don’t know who to ask.

Is it selfish if I don’t think I want to experience this? I hate my mom’s lecturing as is—sometimes it hurts bad enough to make me want to S/H. I don’t think I could take it from a romantic partner, to. Does this make me a bad person?

I don’t think that’s selfish at all, nonnie. You’re not a bad person for not wanting to put up with a potential partner who will treat you like this. In fact, I’d be concerned if you said you did want to experience something like this in a romantic relationship, because a lot of your mom’s behaviours are red flags of abuse, both toward you and your dad.

Constant lecturing and accusations, controlling and criticising everything your partner does to the point where they have to keep secrets from you to avoid your reaction, and “exploding” with minor or unimportant things and pretending like your emotions justify those explosions while also getting mad if your partner disagrees with you or expresses their emotions in any way, are all red flags of emotionally abusive behaviour. So is thinking that people should always do what you think is best for them, and getting mad when they don’t. So is badmouthing victims to one another and reacting badly if they don’t agree with you. Here’s a post I think might help better understand which of your mom’s behaviours are not okay toward either of you.

Now, regarding your doubts about what’s normal in a healthy relationship. There’s some truth in what youd dad said about all partners having flaws, although I don’t know if “flaws” is the word I’d personally use. We all have things going on in our lives; be it mental health issues, financial issues, disabilities, bad relationships with family members, or literally anything else a person can go through: questioning parts of their identity (sexuality, gender, religion...), struggling with studying and/or work, wanting to give up a bad habit... being nitpicky with food or thriving in messy spaces... There’s no such thing as a partner who won’t have something going on in their life. If you’re in a relationship there will be moments when your and their needs clash or are incompatible, and you won’t be able to be the person the other needs in that moment. And if you’re in a relationship, you’re going to have to face many of these battles together, and put effort into seeing them through as a team.

But there’s a difference between the commitment to someone else’s struggles that comes with any close (not necessarily romantic) relationship, and justifying your partner’s mistreatment toward you because “that’s just how everyone is in one way or another, so I might just as well settle for this.” That is, in fact, something many abuse victims say when their abusive partner has normalised and justified their behaviours over and over again. 

I’ve been in a relationship for over six years now. That’s double the time I’ve been out of my abuser’s house and in recovery, so as you can imagine, my girlfriend has been very involved in this aspect of my life and has been there with me through many tough moments. And I’ve been there through her struggle with mental illness, too. And we were there for each other as we figured out part of our identities, and while we worried over exams, and a long list of things that have come up throughout the years and will continue to come up. And yeah, sometimes I feel really overwhelmed by the idea of cooking and she offers to do it for both of us to take care of me, and sometimes she hands me her money so I can pay for the things she wants to buy because she’s too overwhelmed to interact with strangers; and sometimes both of us are having an overwhelming day and we can’t help one another and it all sucks a bit more than usual. But we never demand that the other be there for us if the other can’t do that. We don’t demand that the other prioritise our needs to their own. And yeah, sometimes we can get angry because bad days exist and sometimes everything is too frustrating to handle; but when this happens, we just say, “hey, I’m angry/grumpy/frustrated/stressed out today, I need space or to be alone, please don’t touch me or talk to me for a while” and we establish boundaries and express our needs and emotions as openly as we can. Without being accusatory or demanding. Because you can be mad at someone, or having a bad day around someone, and still actively want to take steps to avoid hurting them. And someone can be mad at you, or having a terrible day around you, and still take steps to make you feel safe and respected. 

And, nonnie, the bad days shouldn’t make you feel like you’re only staying with that person because “no one will treat me better than this”. You shouldn’t have to wonder whether the good moments make up for the bad ones, because the bad ones shouldn’t leave you feeling miserable and unsafe. You shouldn’t have to constantly worry about everything you say or do making your partner explode. It’s one thing to take your partner’s struggles and boundaries into consideration and do things that will help them feel better, and another to walk on eggshells around them for fear of their reactions. And if staying in your relationship feels like you’re “settling with one person’s flaws so you don’t have to deal with someone else’s equally bad flaws”, then chances are you’d be better off without that person in your life, because romantic relationships (which, by the way, are not a mandatory part of life whatsoever) should bring good things to your life, not feel like a task or a burden. And if they feel like that, it’s completely okay to break up, even if you have kids. Especially if you have kids that are suffering that abusive situation as well.

I hope some of this helps! If you have more questions I’ll be more than happy to answer them. Sending support your way ❤

[cyanisbirdmom666]

AGH I need to ✨vent✨

Most of the stuff said below the cut will be about stress, religion (Christianity), betrayal, frustration, and sadness. So yeah if you don’t wanna read about it just keep scrolling. I just wanna tell someone (in this case, Tumblr) because I don’t know who else to tell. My brother’s over it already, and Melon

Also most of the stuff down there won’t make sense since I’m not feeling great (honestly I’m mostly confused) so read at your own risk.

[context] I’m a religious girl. I go to church, read the Bible, pray and PRAISE JESUS HALLELUJAH. But I’m also very lonely. I have a few friends and they’re all from church. I have two best friends. I’ll introduce you to them, using their nicknames for privacy reasons. I’ll start with the Pastor’s family. My Pastor’s name is Ramen, and he has two daughters, Melon and Safari. Melon is my best friend. The Pine family has three kids, Beanstalk, Zuko, and Suki. Suki is my best friend, Beanstalk and Zuko are my brother, Sokka, best friends. The Doctor’s family has only one kid, Marlin. He and Zuko are BFFS. Inseparable. We all work together at church. Suki, Melon, and I work with the cameras- we’re the camerawomen that record videos for our church’s YT channel. Ramen’s mom in Cuba watches our videos, people in Mexico also watch them- there’s even a woman in Germany who watches them! Safari, Beanstalk, and Zuko handle the techy stuff. Audio, Ramen’s microphone, powerpoints, and the editing of the videos we record. Sokka’s job is just to make us laugh, and Marlin is there for support. We make a great team. And I have a feeling Beanstalk and Safari like eachother- they’re always together and Beanstalk have Safari a bouquet of flowers to her on Valentine’s Day. Is that part important? Probably not but I added it anyway. Let’s move on.

Sometimes Ramen comes over to my house to talk to my parents. It’s not often but it’s happened before. Usually talk about adult-church stuff (ie. planning activities, money, or just to talk) that I don’t care about. My great grandma died recently (she was also very religious, she had a great relationship with God. I miss her) so I assumed Ramen came over to talk to my dad about that (comfort I suppose).

I don’t mind when he comes over, because he always brings his daughters, Safari and Melon. We all hang out in my room and watch movies or do homework together. It’s fun. But yesterday, Wednesday May 12th, was different.

After Ramen talks to my parents, he usually leaves. But this time, he called my brother and I over to tell us some sad news. My dense brain was thinking this was about my late grandma.

It wasn’t.

We sit down and he says that he has bad news. The Pine family called him yesterday (Tuesday, May 11th) to tell him that they weren’t going to attend our church anymore, and that their decision is final. They don’t want to meet up with Ramen. And that must hurt Ramen since... the Pine family and Ramen’s family had been together for years. Melon and Suki grew up together in Cuba (I’m the newer, American friend who teaches them about pop culture because oh boy, Melon is a clueless bean. We met a year ago.). Beanstalk and Zuko are like the sons Ramen never had, and Safari and Melon are like sisters to Suki- the point is, that they were really close. For the Pine family to just... cut it off like that is super strange. Yam and Er (the Pine children’s parents) were always so friendly and nice- heck, they were the ones that invited our family to church! They’re the reason we got out of our Mormon church and started to attend this Christian one (much happier here, I have- well had, friends)!

For a second I thought it was a joke.

It was so unbelievable. Er and Yam didn’t even explain why they were going to leave after so many years. They have the right to leave... but it was so sudden. It felt like betrayal I guess. It still feels that way. They said that they had been thinking of leaving, for months now. I don’t know what we did wrong. What if I did something wrong? What if I made Suki mad and that’s what caused them to finally make their decision? Was it all a lie? If they were thinking of leaving for months now, was everything they did and said a lie? Why?

I only ever see Melon and Suki when we go to church or have activities. We had a lot of plans for over the summer. We were even planning on saving up enough money so that the whole church could have a DisneyWorld activity. “But Cyan, can’t you just do it anyway, even if they don’t attend church anymore?” I mean we could, but it’ll feel different. Off. Even today, when we texted eachother, it seemed off. Fake I suppose. It didn’t feel the same. It’s hard to explain why.

Them leaving is like losing them forever. Sure, Suki and I might still see eachother, but it won’t be as often. And eventually we’ll drift away. I lost half of my friends. The church lost 60% of the boy population (we’re down to two oh noooo). And Melon lost her childhood best friend.

This has happened before. See, before my family joined, Ramen was preaching at a different church. Everyone got along until there was a stupid argument between Ramen and another pastor. The other Pastor was jealous of Ramen’s popularity and finally snapped when Ramen bought food for an old dude going to church there. Apparently Ramen isn’t supposed to feed hungry old men. They didn’t let Ramen preach there anymore, and basically kicked him out. Melon and Suki had a friend at that church, named Lime. And yeah, the three would occasionally meet up but eventually, they drifted apart because Suki and Melon weren’t going to Lime’s church anymore.

And I’m afraid the same thing is happening here with the Pine family.

Everything was going so smoothly. We were making summer plans. Zuko and I were getting along really well (Erm.. I sorta like him. A lot), and Safari and Beanstalk kept getting closer. Suki and Sokka FINALLY finished their teasing war. It was perfect. But I guess perfection can’t last forever. I had honestly thought that even though the world was ending, and we were all dying (persecution, I believe it will happen, if you don’t that’s fine but don’t argue with me about it, I gave you a warning up there) I thought we’d always be together. The Pine family, Ramen’s family, and my family. Even if the other member left or drifted away, I really thought we’d always stick together.

But I guess it didn’t work out that way.

And I still don’t know why it didn’t work out that way.

So not only is that happening, but tomorrow I’m taking a big AP test that I’m definitely not prepared for. I’m cramming but I, very scared and stressed and I just wanna skip over to Summertime.

But that’s not how things work so RIP me.

🪦 Cyan Sushi, 2??? - 2021

No I’m not actually dead. But I feel like I am and will be dead soon so yeah. Piano and birds are the only things keeping me sane.

[purplesurveys]

1035

survey by tickticktmr

Do people spell your name wrong very often? LOL, of course. When your name is the less-common variant, expect it to be misspelled all the time. Only like 2 out of 10 times do people ask me if my name is spelled with an i or y, but it’s them I appreciate the most.

Who will your next phone call be with? I’m not expecting any phone call for a while.

Would you rather be taken or single? Ugh, taken. I love being in a relationship; I always enjoyed looking after someone else and doing things to make them happy. Being independent has its perks too, but I always feel lonely at the end of the day.

Do you plan to move any time soon? Nope, I’m taking it slow.

Would you rather have pink or green hair? I’d go with green but only if it’s a dark shade, like the color of seaweed. I wouldn’t appreciate neon green on my hair.

Do you miss anyone's smile right now? I saw it again yesterday, so I’m good.

Do you want kids? I used to, but now I’m back to the drawing board when it comes to kids.

Do you know who sings 'Let it rock'? It’s not ringing a bell, and honestly the first thing I remembered was the Goofy Goober Rock song from the Spongebob Movie HAHAHA. Sorry to disappoint.

Do you think stargazing is a romantic thing to do with someone? Sure, but I think it also works platonically. Stargazing is generally a nice and relaxing thing to do whether you’re alone, with an SO, with a friend, or with a bunch of friends.

Do you want to tell someone something right now? Yes, but I can’t.

What's your opinion on sex before marriage? It’s whatever. People can do what they want, and the only things they should watch out for are consent and being safe.

Do you own a car? I don’t own it, i.e. I didn’t pay for it, but it was given to me so I can have a car to drive myself when I need to go to places.

What is something that is always in your kitchen cupboards? Rice.

The last person you spoke to: have you ever lied to them? For sure. Growing up with strict parents taught me how to lie convincingly.

Have you ever made out with them? That person is my mother. No.

What woke you up today? I did so naturally.

Have you ever had a pet rock? No. People do that? How do rocks become pets?

Have you ever been lost? LOL like the lost-in-life kind of lost? Sure. I’m going through it at present because life threw a shit ton of curveballs at me over the course of two months.

How long is it until your sibling)s) birthday? My brother’s birthday is in 5 months; my sister’s is in 10 as she celebrated her birthday just last September.

Are you lazy? I can be if I want to. But I’m not always, of course.

Do you read the newspaper? No.

Have you ever heard of the song 'Teeth the size of piano keys'? No.

Who was your last thought about? You got me thinking about my sister because of the earlier question about her birthday.

What made you in the mood you are in right now? I’m relaxed at the moment and that’s thanks to the fact that it’s Sunday, I’ve recently gotten into a new hobby and a show I can dive into, and tomorrow’s a holiday so no work for me :) Gonna make the most out of this evening for sure.

Have you ever told someone to go to Hell? I’ve most likely done so, but only as a joke.

Do you know anyone named Jos? As in, pronounced ‘Jaws’? No. That’s one of the more unique names I’ve heard.

What's your font on MSN/AIM? I don’t use either. I never used either, either.

What's more important to you: books or music? Music.

Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nah. Even when I still collected magazines, I preferred physically going to magazine stands and buying new issues. It was more exciting that way.

Has someone ever really hurt you without even realizing? Yeah.

What do you sleep in? A bed, most often. Sometimes I’ll pass out on the couch but that doesn’t happen too much anymore.

Have you changed in the past six months? Yes, both naturally and forcibly. It’s been... quite a year for me, even if we put Covid aside.

Do you bite your nails? When I’m anxious. I haven’t had to do this for a while though, and I mostly did when I was in school awaiting a presentation I had to make.

Do you like the name Natasha? I used to like it when I was younger, but it slipped out of my favorites for no real reason at some point; it just did.

What's a food that starts with the last letter of your first name? Naan.

Does your house have a white picket fence? It used to, but we had them removed after a string of typhoons increasingly deteriorated their quality over the years.

Have you ever been given flowers? Sure.

Do you have a YouTube account? How many videos have you watched on it? I do. Is the second one a real question lol? I’ve watched thousands, as I’m sure most people who use YouTube have done as well. This is like asking how many tweets in total I’ve read on Twitter since I first signed up.

Do you know anyone who is really, really conceited? My mom can be one. She likes to act as if she can do no wrong.

Who’s the last person you told off? My manager at work. I did something she asked me to do and followed the instructions down to a T...and then she said I shouldn’t have done it? That kind of thing happens at work every now and then and it’s fucking exhausting. It’s like every move I make has its own script and the script changes every five minutes. 

Are you optimistic? Sure, but not always.

How do you get to school/your job? I work from home, but under normal circumstances I would’ve been driving myself to the workplace.

Love or lust? Love.

Do you smoke cigarettes? Yeah, but I keep my use of it at an extreme minimum. I’ve only done it socially and I’ve only asked for cigarettes from my friends who have their own packs (and were willing to give me a couple of sticks, of course).

Have you ever been so mad at someone you hurt them? Like, physically? Yes, but it’s only because I was hit first.

Have you ever met someone you met online in person? This is on surveys a lot...yes. I’ve met several online friends who were once in the wrestling circle with me; and one time I bought a product from someone online so we had to meet up for that, too.

Have you ever not studied for a test and gotten 100%? Probably not a 100%, but close. I never studied for my Language exams in middle school because it was just literal English grammar, which I was already good at by that point.

Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend right now? I don’t have any.

Have you ever won a contest for public speaking? No, but I’ve joined one. I got a little frazzled by the middle of my speech (it was impromptu and I didn’t know my question until I got on stage) so in the end that cost me first place.

Are there any woods near where you live? Nah, it’s a private village so it’s super suburban and no hidden woods or forests anywhere.

What did you do today? So far I’ve watched 3/4 of an episode of Start Up, cried, washed my face, washed the glass that I drank soju from last night, and sat up in bed and continued this survey.

Have you ever considered suicide? Yes.

Do you have a lot of myspace friends? No. I never really used my account.

What was your favorite subject in grade six? Science was fun then. Partly because I could tell the teacher liked me, and partly because her method of teaching was big on memorization of terms and processes which was always more my speed.

Hot chocolate or coffee? I could go for coffee right now. Hot chocolate is best when I’m on vacation and having breakfast at a fancy hotel.

Do you like your neighbours? I don’t dislike them, that’s for sure.

Did you do something stupid today? Not yet. 

Name a five letter word that starts with the same letter as your first name. Ripen.

What time did you go to sleep last night? Around midnight. That soju/Yakult combo knocked me out.

Did you have fun yesterday? It was an okay day, sure. I got productive and even drank for a bit last night just because.

How many people are online on your MSN/AIM right now?

Would you like to/did you drop out of school? No, that was never a part of my plans.

What was your favorite book as a child? If we’re talking kids’ books, I never got tired of rereading Corduroy and The Giving Tree. I also had a book of poems and nursery rhymes and I remember taking a liking for The Owl and the Pussycat because it was the longest poem in the book and it helped me train my English.

How far away does your best friend live from you? Both live around 20-30 minutes away, just in different directions.

Do you think you could write a book? A memoir, yes. Anything fictional, no.

Is it hard to tell someone you like them? Yes.

How many bedrooms does your house have? 4.

Do you know anyone who can't speak French? Nearly everyone I know.

When's the last time you brushed your teeth? Last night.

Are you the same religion as your parents? Legally. But I disowned Catholicism/Christianity a long time ago.

Would you do anything for a certain person? Yes, I would.

Do you know anyone in your science class? The last science class I took was a course on chemistry, and I only knew one person in that class.

Describe your room: Cozy, starting to get a little cluttered, big enough for one person.

Do you still write letters to Santa, even when you know he's not real? No, and I never wrote letters addressed to a Santa.

Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Nope.

Have you ever been lied to by a girlfriend/boyfriend? I’m sure she did.

Where is your dad right now? I can’t tell whose turn it is to make breakfast today, so he’s either in the kitchen cooking or in their bedroom watching TV.

Are any of your relatives pregnant? As far as I know, no. But I also haven’t been on Facebook in a while, so I’m poorly updated on what my relatives have been up to.

How many garabe buckets are in your house? I have no idea what this is talking about.

Would you want the truth if you asked if your pants made you look horrible? If I asked that then yeah, I obviously would want to hear the truth.

[suckitsurveys]

What would you call your body type? Fat.

Are you a morning person? Eh. I have to be.

Have you ever been to Target? Countless times. I miss Target :(

Do you like iced tea? Yes. I should make some. 

When is the next time you’ll be at work? I’m technically at work right now.

Do you have a savings account? Yes.

Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes.

What color bedsheets are currently on your bed? Light blue.

Have you ever been to Disney World? If so, how many times have you been? Nope.

Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? Yes.

Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? Yes.

Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? Yes.

What would you say is your favorite television show? BoJack Horseman.

Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Yes. I’m so upset that we might not get to do that this year because of covid. Is your vision good? With my glasses on, yeah. ha.

Is there any piece of jewelry you’re constantly wearing? Earrings and my nose stud. 

What is one thing you desire as of now? For this covid shit to fucking end. And justice for Breonna Taylor. And actual equality. 

What kind of phone do you have? Galaxy S10.

If you could move anywhere, where would you choose? On a lake in the woods.

Do you blog a lot, if at all? This I guess.

Is your present hair color, natural? My roots sure as fuck are.

What makes you the most angry when it comes to people? IGNORANCE. I cannot wrap my head around people who don’t fucking give a shit about other people. 

Describe your current outfit? I’m in PJs.

What was the last thing you ordered online? A couple of outfits fro my nieces for the 4th of July per their request.

Have you ever felt as though you were drifting apart from a best friend? Yeah, and I did.

What color are your eyes? Green.

Have you ever worn color contacts? Nope.

What’s the best thing about a hug? Comfort.

Biggest fear? Having my fears used against me.

If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? 9 years.

Do you know any genuinely friendly people? Yes.

Do you buy your friends gifts? Yeah. What was the last thing you plugged in? The charger to this laptop.

How old are you? 30.

What color headphones do you own? They’re purple. I haven’t used them in a long time since I don’t go to an actual gym anymore.

Have you ever shopped at Urban Outfitters? Yeah, just a couple of times.

Where do you buy the majority of your clothing? Torrid and Target.

Would you rather wear necklaces or earrings? Earrings.

Do you consider yourself fortunate? I am in some ways.

Do you enjoy watching fights? Mark watches UFC and I occasionally catch myself getting into them.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? Not a real one. 

Do you tend to talk badly about people? I tend to talk badly about idiotic people who don’t give a shit about other people.

Where are your parents as of now? My dad is at home most likely and my mother passed away in 2013.

Does your computer cooperate most of the time? I guess.

Does your family have any cheesy traditions? Yes.

When did you last go to a book store? It’s been a while.

What’s the closest book store where you live? I think there’s a local one not far from here. How much money do you have on you right now? Physical money? None.

Favorite personal feature? My eyes and my hair.

Are you wearing make up at the moment? Nope.

Favorite television channel? I don’t have regular TV. Do Netflix and Hulu count as channels?

Describe any piercings or tattoos you might have? I have 5 piercings and 9 tattoos but I don’t feel like explaining all of them. 

Have you ever been fired from a job? No.

Are you currently losing a best friend? Eh.

Describe the worst day of your life: No.

Do you play any video games? Eh. Sometimes.

Would you say you hate anyone? Yes, my fucking brother in law.

Do you think freckles are cute? Sure.

Last time you went to the mall? Back in early March.

Name something that’s your favorite color: That’s in my favorite color? The LED lights above my couch. They’re currently purple.

Have you been to Red Lobster before? YES I miss it.

Do you judge by appearances? We all do to an extent. That’s what first impressions are.

Do you follow a certain religion? Nope. 

Who is your role model, if you had to choose? My dad.

Would you rather have nice hair or lips? Hair.

What are you most self conscious about? My stomach.

Do you have any family members who live out of town? Yeah.

Do you consider yourself short? Yes.

What room are you in? The living room.

Hoodies or jackets? Hoodies.

Are you outside a lot? Yes.

Have you ever been dumped via text message? No.

Do you like dreamcatchers? They’re pretty but they’re a Native thing so I don’t use them. 

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? H 

Do you hate repetitive people and things? Eh, depends.

Do you think autocorrect is a blessing or curse? It can helpful and annoying at times.

Do you believe in any particular curses? Sure.

Ever play a Ouija board? Yes.

What movie scares you the most? I don’t really like movies like that.

What was your bedtime as a child? I don’t remember.

Reason why your favorite holiday is your favorite: Halloween is just so spooky and creepy and the colorssssss and even more exciting when you have kids in your life. Trick or Treating is so fun.

Do you work with any close friends? Nah.

Do you consider yourself spoiled? In some ways, yes, but I’m not a brat. I am fortunate to have very loving and caring and giving family members, my husband included.

Do you listen to any country music? I don’t not listen to country music, but there isn’t a lot I voluntarily listen to.

Favorite high school teacher: Fuck all of high school.

Do you ever get drunk? Sure. I don’t really like to often but sometimes I get caught up in what I’m doing or who I am with and end up drinking a little more than planned. But it’s not something I actively plan to do.

Have you ever had highlights before? No

Favorite number: 24.

Do you still sleep with any stuffed animals? There used to be two that chilled on the bed but they haven’t in a while. What is your biggest regret in life? Regrets are dumb.

Would you say you think you have a mental disorder of some kind? Yes.

Are you normally an independent person? For the most part.

Do you have any paintings? I do.

What is one clothing fad you wish never existed? I don’t care.

Do you like to be organized? Yes.

Have you ever failed a class before? Uh huh.

Ever been judged because of your weight? Of course.  What is your favorite breakfast cereal? Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Ever had a wish come true? Eh.

Do you regret meeting any of your exes? No.

Do you own any coloring books? Yes.

What’s the meanest thing someone’s called you? My brother in law called me “coddled” once very shortly after my fucking mother died so, that. He was saying it because I stilled lived with my father at the time, so fuck him.

Have you ever bullied someone? Not intentionally.

Do you ever watch Lifetime? No.

Ever tried to intentionally sabotage someone’s grade? I don’t think so.

Do you own any brown clothing? Yes.

What color are your walls painted? Very very light blue

Last thing you drank: Water.

Have you ever seen a tornado in person? I’ve been very very close to one.

Do you have an inground pool at your house? I fucking wish.

What is the first digit of your phone number? 1. :P  What’s the prettiest town you’ve been to? Boston.

Do you tend to sleep a lot? No.

Silver or gold jewelry? I like both.

Do you sometimes celebrate holidays early? Depends.

Have you ever been in love? Yes.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? My nieces.

When was the last time you showered? Yesterday.

Would you consider yourself attractive? Eh. Not conventionally, no.

Has anyone made you mad today? Yes.

Favorite smell: Gardenia.

Are you afraid of insects? Not afraid. More grossed out than anything. 

Do you have any children? Nooo.

If so, what are their names? --

Would ever consider having children in the future? I don’t want to have children.

Have you ever lived on a farm? No.

Ever played any sports? Not on a team, no.

Do both of your parents have jobs? My father is retired and my mom was a stay at home mom when she was alive.

Where is the best place you’ve been on vacation to? Wilderness Resort in the Dells. GODDDDDDDD I WANNA GO.

Are you afraid people won’t accept you? Whatever.

Are you, for the most part, an honest person? Yes.

Did you make prank phone calls as a child? I did.

Do you like to make donations? Yeah.

What is your current ringtone? The Horsin Around theme song from BoJack in 8 bit. The same ringtone BoJack has in the first few seasons of the show.

Meet anyone from your past lately? How do you meet someone you already know?

Have you ever called a teen suicide line? No.

Have you ever caught something on fire? Yes.

Ever been obsessed with a show? Duh.

What type of perfume or cologne do you use? Differnt Bath and Body Works stuff.

What’s the last book you read? I’m currently kinda reading Someone Who Will Love You in All Your Damaged Glory by Raphael Bob-Waksberg.

Dream career: Event planner if we’re ever allowed to have events again.

Have you ever climbed a mountain before? Kinda.

At what age do you plan to get married? I got married when I was 27.

Ever been in a car accident? Yes.

[pbandjesse]

I am feeling very tired but today was a lot better. Like I am still having feelings. But it was a nicer day. I am glad that I got some time to try to take care of myself yesterday. And I woke up and felt pretty good this morning. I woke up before my alarm even! Excellent.

I had museum in the morning. So I got up and got dressed. Felt cute. I resized my mom's ring last night so I was able to wear that today and that made me really happy. I have almost completely polished it, and I got to show my students how one does that. So that was cool. 

And the museum was good. Everyone was worried about my hand because I couldnt close it all the way. It does still hurt when I make a fist but it does hurt still and is clearly bruised. But everyone was like go to the doctor! And I was like nah. Im good. But they babied me a little but thankfully I was posted somewhere that was easy. Making cans. Super easy. 

And the kids we had were nice. The adults were a little stressed. But it was fine. I was also a little stressed because they were late but them being late allowed me to talk to my friends about cults and religion and that was a lot of fun. And we did get our cannery program done and it was fun. 

I was able to leave around 11 though. Which felt naughty but was exactly what I was assigned. So I decided to go home. 

And that was the best decision. I got to be with James while he folded laundry. I had lunch. I chilled in bed. It was a good little break in the middle of my day. 

But I had to go to work again. I headed to the school and was still upset. But I was like. Fuck it and started moving things around to make space for our supplies. But then Marcus was there and he worked his magic with the new art teacher. She is allowing us to use a whole two shelves in the closet. Like two shelving units. So that made me feel a lot better. But then I found out she threw away all of the art we had on the wall. So that upset me again. 

And honestly I was still really mad about a lot of stuff. I love my kids. Honestly I love my job. But I dont think I will be working at this school after this semester. Like if they move me to a differnt site maybe, but I really dont think I want to work in a school anymore. One of the biggest things I am feeling though is that they asked us to be the long term sub for the art class. That we could quit access art. That we could just do that and it would be great. But we said no and I guess good thing we did? Because they hired someone within like 3 weeks. So I would have been out of both jobs if I took that positon? Because I would have had to leave BMI and Access Art to do it. So yeah I continue to be upset with them. 

But my kids were really good today. I got many hugs. We worked together to make the room work. They worked hard. We painted. We had fun outside. The weather was beautiful. It was honestly a good day with them. And like its hard. I love my kids but the stress of the job and enviroment is really dragging on me. 

James says we can make me just doing museums work. And that I can take a jewlery class like I wanted. But I feel guilty about not making as much money. Because it would be a pay cut. But I have to trust him that we will be okay. 

Me and Marcus cleaned up and he finished up some of the kids sculptures. And then it was time to go. 

I decided to go up to the Michel's in canton crossing. Get supplies for this project and our next one. It was kind of a far drive but it was all good. I got out there. Got supplies. And walked around the target for a little while. But then I went and got five guys for dinner and enjoyed my podcast. It was nice. 

I headed home. I worked on art. I cleaned a little. I made a thing with the oyster shell's for the museum. I hope they like it. 

I am pretty sleepy now. I painted my nails and got a shower and am just chilling. I have a long day tomorrow but I am going to try to look at it as positive as possible. 

I hope you all have a great night tonight. Sleep well and be safe out there. Lets hope tomorrow is a brighter day. 

[spectacled-renegade-writes]

The Moon is Bright. It’s Better Than This Cold Bridge.

THIS IS A VENT FIC. PLEASE, PLEASE HEED THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. Keep yourself safe.

Summary: Tonight is going to be his last night on Earth.

Pairings: Platonic Analogical

Trigger Warnings: Suicidal, suicidal ideations, suicidal thoughts, mention of death, mention of parent in jail, loneliness, brief religious commentary, swearing, hopelessness, implied child abuse, numbness, depression, mention of anxiety, angst, vent fic

Other Tags: This story gets sad before it gets happy, angst with a happy ending, hopeful ending, they live

Words: 1128

Ao3: Here

Part of him was annoyed someone else got there before him. The other part of him intrigued.

“You can’t talk me down,” The stranger, whom was sitting on the railing of the bridge, said to him.

“I’m not planning to,” He replied, climbing on the railing and sitting next to the mysterious man. “I was actually planning on jumping too.”

“Is that so?”

He nodded, “Maybe we can jump together, Thelma and Louise type shit.”

The stranger breathed out a laugh, and it was quite humorless. “At least let me get to know you first.”

Stretching his arms and popping his back, he shrugged and said, “Why not? It’s our last night on this damned planet. Might as well make it worthwhile.“ He exhaled. "Let’s start off easy: Why are you killing yourself?”

The stranger snorted. “I think you need to rethink your definition of easy,” He sighed, “Nevertheless, if you must know, I lost my job today. It is, or rather was, all I had. I know it was my fault, too.”

He prodded the stranger to keep going.

“I was a college professor. I lost my family as a young adult and I haven’t any friends. My students were the best part of my days.”

“So? What did you do that got you fired?”

The stranger shook his head. “I’ll continue my story after you start yours.”

He held onto the railing and leaned back a bit, extending his legs out. “My favorite professor got fired today.”

The stranger’s gaze snapped toward him.

“Kidding. My mom died yesterday. She’s been sick for a while, so I knew it was going to happen eventually, but I still wasn’t ready for it.”

“And you have no support system?”

He shook his head. “I’m just like you, buddy. Bitter and alone. Well, my dad’s still kicking, but he’s got a life sentence in a nice, cozy prison cell. It’s not like I’d want him around anyway, he didn’t do any favors for mom and I growing up.”

“I see,” The stranger said. He got quiet for a moment as he turned his head and looked at the full moon staring back at him. “I got fired today for losing my temper with the faculty one too many times. I suppose I was wrong in thinking that it was quite justified.”

“Hm,” He stared up at the moon, too. “Been there before. Got expelled from two schools. They all thought I’d turn out like my dad.” He looked down at the ocean. “Mom never thought so, though. ‘You are who you choose to be’ and all that jazz, that’s what she always told me.”

“Your mother sounds like a beautiful person.”

He froze, and choked on his breath. “Yeah… She was.” He looked over at the stranger, who had the same face he saw in the mirror this morning. Glazed, numb… resigned. There was something liberating about the feeling. Every anxiety in his mind all went away the second he decided he was going to jump off this bridge. For once in his life he just felt… nothing. It was the most peace he has ever felt in his entire life. He closed his eyes and took a moment to just bask in it.

“Do you believe in an afterlife?”

He opened his eyes and looked at the stranger. The stranger was staring back at him, it seemed he was just making conversation for the sake of it because there was no real curiosity anywhere on his face.

“Do you want there to be?”

The stranger hummed and looked back out at the night sky. “I’m not sure… I’ve never believed in religion but sometimes I wonder if perhaps it’s all true. Then what? Will I be damned to hell for not following the book?”

He took that into consideration. “I’m not big on religion either, but if there is a big guy upstairs, I’m sure he’d forgive you if you didn’t do anything really bad.”

The stranger seemed to consider that.

A wind picked up and sent chills down both their spines. It seemed to shift the mood between them. They both looked down at the black water below.

“How long do you think our bodies would be down there before we’re found and marked as a couple of unclaimed John Doe’s?”

The stranger took a minute to think on it. “Well… I’d say it depends on the weather, how strong the waves are, if there are any boats around, and the wildlife. So, who’s to say?”

He remained silent. The stranger spoke up again.

“May I tell you something personal?”

He nodded, eyes remaining on the ocean.

“I do not actually wish to die.”

That caused him to stiffen. His jaw clenched and his hands held tighter onto the cold railing. Something deep and sad, and full of… something, settling in his stomach. “Then why?”

“I see nothing else in my future. Many people die before they want to. I believe now is my time.”

He hated the calm, matter-of-fact way the stranger said that. It pissed him off. He missed the numb he’s been feeling. He didn’t know why he was mad. He realized it’s because he felt the exact same way… He let out a shuttering breath.

The stranger tilted his head. “Do you feel the same?”

He clenched his jaw once more to stop the tears from spilling. They were the first warm thing he felt all day. He nodded.

There was something quite sobering about this fact. The two fell into silence, losing themselves in their own thoughts.

-

The seconds ticked into minutes and the minutes to hours, and they just continued to sit there.

It was odd, when the sun came up. It destroyed their small liminal space that they created for themselves.

When the first boat of the day appeared before them, the stranger spoke again.

“Perhaps we were meant to meet each other here tonight?”

“…For what?”

“To find that someone.” The stranger replied.

And all at once the nothing vanished. He imagined he was staring just as intensely into the stranger’s eyes as the stranger was in his.

The stranger turned around and climbed off the railing, and held out a hand. “Would you like to get a coffee with me?”

Though the nothing was gone, the deep, deep, feeling that has been in his stomach lately was gone too. Instead, something warm and new blossomed inside. He, too, climbed off the railing, and accepted the stranger’s hand. “I’d like that.”

So, even though they didn’t know each other, and even though they just met, they walked off the bridge hand in hand.

“I’m Virgil, by the way.”

The stranger continued to stare straight ahead as he smiled. “Logan.”

–

General taglist 

@i-am-avacado @cdragontogacotar @rptheturk

(Please let me know if you would like to be added or removed from the taglist!)

[2020diary4]

Part 10 of 2020 Diary

Thursday April 9th 2020

7:57 PM

So the last few days have been something. It was not disastrous but not good.

A few days ago they said that stores could refuse service if you do not wear a mask.

The president got ask if he would pardon Joe Exotic. Turns out he has not seen the tiger king. He said that Donal Trump Jr (his son not his dick) talked about it. He said he would look into it.

Today over 30 fast food restaurants went on strike because they were being put into danger because they were not being provided with proper stuff to be protective.

A few days ago we got 4 baby birds. They are so cute!!!! My cats love them. Momo and Midas especially have been watching them. Socks is oblivious and Ninja loves them too but not as much.

Today Samoa (Momo) ran head first into the sliding glass door to get Moma bird.

Today I did most of my outdoor adventure.

Oh yeah we watch Midsummer. I am traumatized.

—————————————————————

Friday April 10th 2020

9:56 PM

There is a plague of locuse in Southern Africa. La county qurienty is extended May 15th. I feel like 2020 is a mad lib.

—————————————————————

Monday April 13th 2020

5:12 PM

Yesterday was Easter. I’m a atheist and so are my mom and dad. All we do on Easter is go to my dad’s parents house and eat lunch there and get Easter baskets. So this year with being in lock down we did not do anything.

The news said that they would go around and run people’s licenses plates and charge them with a misdemeanor if they where at church.

Like I said I am not religious but I think it is stupid. I’m not to familiar with religion but you shouldn't be trying to meet your god sooner.

At least one baby bird died. I am so sad.

I had an online appointment with my psychologist today. She told me I should exercise. Smh.

I saw a meme where it said 2020 was written by Steven King and directed by Quietien Tarantino. I think they forgot to add that M Night Samalong produces it because WTF.

From,

WIYBT

[totallyvain]

Vanity Hour with Carlos Vara: Handling the Seasons of Life

Hometown: Lexington, South Carolina

Sounds like: Your next favorite pop bop

WORDS BY: THANIA GARCIA

In American culture, the search for independence comes at the age of 18. For Carlos Vara, this was exceptionally true. At 18, Vara moved to Nashville in search of a life separate from the emotional cuff to his father who had previously owned nightclubs but had abruptly found religion in the small town of Lexington in South Carolina. This along with the struggle of being closeted in a small town naturally pushed Vara to search for newness in a city rich of musical history.

At 21, Vara has somewhat of a grasp on his day to day life. Bouncing back from Nashville to Los Angeles, Vara has completed his anticipated October 4th release of “Have You Ever Seen a Boy Break Down” -  an EP meant to encapsulate his past few years bouncing from season to season in the versatile chapters of his life.

“When I was a teenager on X-Factor I thought I was going to be…well I loved songwriting and I loved singing, but I didn’t necessarily know who I was at the time. I was in the closet in the suburbs and I was growing up as a preacher’s kid so there was that phase. Then there was the phase of me moving to Nashville at 18 and coming out and discovering myself and exploring the boundaries of my mind and challenging myself and my ideas… I think that phase of my life lead to the music I made at that time and now I’m in a completely separate phase…what I create now are journal entries of specific eras of my life.”

In my interview with Vara, a clear conflict arises - a conflict found in the lyricism of his past couple releases. Vara shares, “I do have experiences where I’m like out and I’m like ‘Am I this person?’…because as I said I’ve gone through so many different stages in my life.”

Listen to “Confident,” Vara’s February 2019 release and you will fully understand this divide - a truly personal and internal divide.

Vara says, “The people who knew me at 18 would think I’m this quiet shy person. It’s like imposter syndrome for yourself it’s almost like you don’t think you have the right to be this brand new version of yourself. I feel it especially because I’ve been through so many extremes but I think now I’m in a stage where I’m like ‘why can’t I just embrace every single emotion?’ ‘why can’t I just live through these phases’ they are the best parts of life and it’s freeing to be what you want to be whenever you want to be.”

—————————————————————————————

Totally Vain: Your life has had clear chapters from your upbringing in North Carolina, to the X-Factor, to your time in Nashville and LA. When you look back at these past few years, how do you compare your artistic vision from then to now?

Carlos: “It’s interesting you say that because it is so true… I think …well actually I was talking about this yesterday when I was stoned with my friends that I feel like I’ve lived distinct phases of my life. I think through the process of growing up, my artistic vision and the way I think has changed. My music is always changing, depending on how my environment changes..because it stays so true to that. To me, my writing is based off my reality at the time, I will always be satisfied with it because I make music to be able to express myself and to be able to purge”

TV: Your environments have all had very distinct setbacks and advantages, how have they affected you in relation to the music industry?

Carlos: “I remember being a kid and watching TV and award shows and listening to music in the car…I knew I had a passion for music but being in South Carolina meant I didn’t have an uncle who was an executive, or any relation to the industry itself. I didn’t see anyone who had come out of South Carolina, all I saw was people coming from New York or Los Angeles so I just never had that hope. Senior year of high school I moved to Nashville by myself and finished graduating online. I was working restaurant jobs. I worked so many restaurants from 18 until last year before I got signed. I think that moving to Nashville was the first time in my life when I felt like I had some possibility to make it. Thank God for Instagram and Spotify and Apple music. I think that really became a way for me to connect to people who appreciate music the same way I do and connect to artists as far as co-writes. Especially in Nashville since it is a songwriting community, it definitely helped when it came to writing. Moving there was the first time I was able to discover who I am as an artist and figure myself out, retain my thoughts and grow up and figure out what I believe and have the opportunity to collaborate with people around me.”

TV: An overarching idea in your releases is confidence, both the reaction to confidence and personal self-confidence, from where do you think that idea stems from? And what kind of conflicts or internal struggles do you still have?

Carlos: “My friends know me as a very extreme person meaning I truly feel every emotion I have. I’m either going fucking crazy at a party or I’m like I want to go home. There is no in-between. I feel like for me since I am so emotional, I tend to feel it all at once and songwriting allowed me to be able to go home at 2 A.M. and smoke and just sit at the piano and play whatever is on my mind. I think it’s a way of me being able to work through any struggles I may have and for me to fully comprehend those emotions and see it as a full picture…for instance, I am extroverted but I’m sensitive and insecure so those feelings are both there at the same time. I mean it. I’ll be at a party being the loudest one there and thinking everyone hates me so it’s like I think that when I write, I want to be able to capture what that feels like. When I wrote “Confident,” I was in LA for the summer and it was my first time being out here for a super extended period of time and I had just turned 21 so I was able to get into all the gay clubs and it was exciting but it was stressful. I wanted to appear like I was cool and kept up with everyone but I just remember going to a club and being like shwasted and like going home and crying in the Uber. I’m just out here pretending to be confident and I was mad at myself and angry at myself for faking confidence and I went home and wrote a few lines for “Confident.” I think from an outside perspective people think I’m this super confident boisterous person and I guess I am but internally it’s rooted to a lot of sadness because I am freaking out inside.”

TV: Who were the artists who spoke to you the most growing up and what did you pull from in their work that you apply to your own?

Carlos: “I think of it in phases. My mom had me when she was 21 so at that time my mom only listened to pop radio and like Christina and Britney, Celine Dion, Whitney Houston all these pop vocals and also my parents owned nightclubs so I was always surrounded by an energetic musical atmosphere. Around age seven, my parents became more religious and my dad became a pastor we went to a church with a big African American community so they were soulful in their gospel and that’s when I allowed myself to become more emotional with my music and I wanted to create to provoke emotion. When I was 16/17, I went online and I discovered the things I wouldn’t normally have access to like the Beatles and the Beach Boys and Queen and Freddie. Those three eras, have all formed me today. I don’t know if I have one specific source of inspiration but it was a melting pot for sure.”

TV: As you’ve been coming to find an artistic persona, what have you found your overarching message to be?

Carlos: “I want to always be real to myself as an artist. Growing up I was always the weird kid and I never felt that I had someone I could relate to. Now I feel I’ve been blessed to have been able to reach out to kids that feel that same way I felt and I want to make music whether it be a fast fun bop or an emotional ballad, I want the music to be passionate and dramatic and I want to be a part of the world in that way, I want to create. It’s a spiritual thing, it comes out and I know how it makes me feel and I hope that when other people hear my EP, I want them to be able to feel that emotion and have a small escape or a meaningful feeling.”

TV: Can you give me a little breakdown on what kind of lyricism and sounds we can expect from your upcoming EP?

Carlos: “The cool thing about this EP is I was able to create both in Nashville and in Los Angeles. Living in Nashville, it is very much a lyric community and in Los Angeles, there is more of an emphasis on melodies, so it’s been cool and inspiring to have access to both. For me, this EP embodies real lyricism and dramatic melodies. It’s a real and vulnerable introduction to who I am and what these past 3 years of my life have been like.”

[dontwantthenextcommanderiwantyou]

1-70 🙊

really… Really... R E A L L Y… How very fcking BOLD of you 😂

You know what, since I’m in such a good mood after watching Juliana “Braver than every Marine” Valdes go off on her deadbeat abusive father and defend her love for her soulmate Valentina, I’m actually gonna answer all 70 for you.

1. You just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit?

Tumblr of course, gotta get caught up on today’s gayness.

2. You just walked into a bookstore. What section do you go to first?

Mystery, I only go into a bookstore for one author and it’s Iris Johansen.

3. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing?

Something that could probably end badly for us lol My friends and I always look back on our nights out saying to each other “atleast we didn’t die tho” 

4. You just turned your car on. What station is the radio tuned to?

I don’t have radio stations set because I can’t stand the commercials, I need constant music when I’m driving so I always have my phone playlists on.

5. You have just woken up for the morning. What is the first things you do?

Go to the kitchen because I’m hungry, look around at the food, then go back to bed because I’m still too sleepy to make something to eat.

6. Complete this phrase: You cannot buy happiness, but you can buy____.

“but you can buy things that will MAKE you happy… such as dogs, a house in a safe neighborhood, a reliable car, medications and medical supplies, etc.”

7. What would you do if you woke up as the opposite gender?

First, I’d cry. Then I’d go practice my aim peeing standing up lol

8. Are you more likely to cook for yourself or buy food from a restaurant?

More often than not I’m cooking for myself, especially if I’m training because it’s cheaper eating healthy with homemade meals. 

9. If you had to lose one of your senses, which one would you rather lose?

I need my sight, hearing, and touch for sure, and I already know how much it sucks to lose taste after my radiation treatments, so smell would have to go.

10. If you could relive any one year of your life, how old would you be?

17, I’d wanna relive my first year of college.

11. Would you take a bullet for anyone you know?

My mom, brothers, nieces and nephews.

12. Would you rather be rich and dumb or poor and extremely intelligent?

Poor and intellige– nah fck that, I’d legit take being rich and dumb because if being dumb means I can secure my family’s future then I’m good, I could always pay someone to handle the brainy shit for me while I’m swimming in money lol

13. What TV character do you most relate to?

Tasha Williams from The L Word.

14. You just walked into a supermarket. What section do you first go to?

Sports & Outdoors… knowing damn well I don’t need to be buying anything but hoping to find a good deal on something so I can justify buying it.

15. Is sex before marriage wrong?

HELL NO! Sex is right… Marriage all together is wrong, wouldn’t recommend it.

16. You just won the lottery. What is the first thing you do with your winnings?

Buy a new phone and one-way ticket outta the state so no one can hit me up asking for money lol 

17. If your best friend admitted that they have a crush on you, how would you react?

I’d be flattered and make some joke about her having horrible taste in women.

18. Will the USA ever have a female president?

**I’ll have an answer to this question after November 3rd 2020**

19. You are carpooling with your friends. Are you more likely to be the driver or a passenger?

Unless it’s my turn to be the DD, I’m not driving with my friends.

20. How short is too short for skirts and dresses?

That’s not for me to decide because I’m not the one wearing them so if a woman is comfortable with a skirt that barely covers her labia, then more power to her. 

21. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, without any consequences, what food would you choose?

Pizza, there are so many variety of toppings that I’d never get tired of eating it.

22. It’s Saturday night. What are you most likely doing?

Reading fanfiction

23. You go on a blind date. Your date is extremely beautiful and physically captivating, but you hate their personality. Would you want a second date?

Ab-So-Lute-Ly fcking not! All of the beauty in the world can’t make up for an ugly ass personality. I mean we could be fck buddies, but never a “dating” situation.

24. How strict should gun laws be?

25. Would you rather be the worst player on the best team or the best player on the worst team?

Worst player on the best team because I wouldn’t be able to stand being the one putting in all the work while my teammates slack off. Atleast if I’m on the best team I’d be able to learn from players who are better than me. 

26. How well do you work with others?

Not well at all unless I haaaave to.

27. You have the ability to cure only one fatal disease and eradicate it forever. What disease do you choose?

Whatever disease is most deadly to dogs, I’d eradicate that one. 

28. If you could go back to college and choose a different degree to study, would you?

Nope, forensic science is what I was meant to study, I loved every minute of it.

29. Where do you see yourself ten years from now?

Bish I can’t even see myself 10 days from now, I don’t fcking know lol

30. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

Pro-Choice Pro-Choice Pro-Choice Pro-Choice Pro-ChoicePro-Choice

31. Would you attend a same sex wedding if invited?

Yes my gay ass would happily attend a gay wedding.

32. So far, what has been the greatest day of your life?

The day I landed in Germany for my first duty station.

33. Has anyone you know ever been arrested?

Yeah.

34. If it could be one season year-round, what season do would you want it to be?

Winter.

35. What is your biggest regret in life?

Not making my ex sign a prenup smh

36. If you could bring one celebrity back from the dead, who would it be?

37. What offends you the most?

Non-black people saying nigga. I don’t care if they’re white, latino, asian, any other person of color… or if they’re gay, bi, trans, any other minority… or if their sister-in-law’s baby cousin Tracy got a brother and his girlfriend’s black. If they aint black & they have nigga in their vocabulary, they’re a piece of shit, periodT

38. Would you rather have an ugly hairstyle or be bald?

No question about it…

39. At what age did you have your first alcoholic beverage?

Listen, I learned when I was like 8 or 9 to keep my ass in a child’s place when I tried to be slick and take a few sips from a beer can my cousin left on the table… only to get a mouthful of cigarette butts -_-

40. What do you think happens to us when we die?

Nothing, you just dead.

41. What do you think is the best way to quit smoking?

Have some willpower to not be an asshole who pollutes the air I gotta breathe. 

42. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which animal would you choose?

Penguin 

43. We’re humans created or did we evolve from earlier species?

44. What scares you the most?

Dying and being the introvert I am, no one would even know anything was wrong until 6 months went by without hearing from me, and my body’s just laying there decaying and making me unpresentable for my own damn funeral  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

45. What personality trait turns you off the most?

Being disloyal. 

46. You got offered a job to do something you hate, but the pay will make you rich. Do you take it?

Yeah… then once I’m rich I’ll quit :) 

47. If today you only had what you were thankful for yesterday, how much would you have?

Enough… not enough… 

48. How often do you get mad or upset at yourself?

Every damn day

49. If you could choose one celebrity to be your parent, who would you choose?

Michelle or Barack Obama.

50. If you could only listen to one musical artist for the rest of you life, who would you be listening to?

The Rap God himself.

51. Have you ever used you cell phone while driving?

Guilty.

52. Had anyone you were close to die way too young?

Yes.

53. Is world peace possible?

*Refer to question 18*

54. You go on a blind date. You date is extremely ugly and physically appalling, but you are madly in love with their personality. Would you want a second date?

A bomb ass personality is worth a second date.

55. How did you discover that Santa Claus isn’t real?

When I realized that whole story never made any sense… no white dude was coming to the hood to give niggas toys for free. Momma aint raise no dummy.

56. Do you believe in God, or some form of higher deity?

I believe in Deism, the knowledge of a God based on the application of our reason on the designs/laws found throughout nature. The designs presuppose a Designer. Deism is therefore a “natural” religion, not a “revealed” religion. It is the recognition of a universal creative force greater than mankind, supported by personal observation, perpetuated and validated by the innate ability of human reason coupled with the rejection of claims made by individuals and organized religions of having received special divine revelation.

57. If you could save someone you deeply cared about, but it meant breaking a law, would you do it?

IN A HEARTBEAT! 

58. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done for money?

Enlisted in the military.

59. If you were to make a YouTube video about what you know most about, what would the subject be?

Being a ✊🏿 black 🌈 lesbian ♀️ woman. 

60. What do you think is your greatest personality flaw?

I have very little patience. 

61. If your friends spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would you still want them as friend?

Hey, if they’re honest then I can’t be mad at em.

62. Have you ever “woke up like this”?

Sometimes I do be waking up like this if I may say so myself

63. You got offered a job to do something you love, but the pay is one of the worst out there. Do you take it?

If it’s not a livable wage then obviously no. But if it’s a livable wage that doesn’t leave me with extra money, then yeah doing what I love is worth the sacrifice.

64. What do you think is your best physical feature?

100% my muscles, I don’t put in work at the gym and eat vegetables for nothing!

65. What do you think is your worst physical feature.

I’m 5′1″… 9 times outta 10 I’m the shortest adult in the room… aint that a bitch

66. Do you know anyone who has committed suicide?

No.

67. What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone you don’t know?

Not knock them the fck out when they said black people need to be happy white people haven’t made us their slaves again yet.

68. Have you ever had a night’s dream come true?

Idk but I swear I have moments of deja vu tho, then I think maybe they were actually just things I dreamed about in the past… hell if I know.

69. How would you reject a date offer from someone you didn’t like?

Tell them I don’t like them. I’m all about being direct. 

70. Which do you think is worse: Failure, or never trying at all?

Never trying. Nothing wrong with trying and failing, everything wrong with being too lazy to even try. 

[thatlesbiannudistcult-stories]

Finding Goddess (Chapter 13)

Breakfast was always best when it was eaten with Carol. Not because she was the best cook or anything, but for the simple reason that Katherine was being served by her surrogate mommy! Seeing the older woman roam around the kitchen, pulling various things out of the fridge and cupboards and mixing them together over a hot stove turned her on in more ways than one. Especially since Carol did it wearing nothing but an apron. Seeing her breasts jiggle against the cloth like they were trying to break free while the raven-headed woman's bare butt peaked out adorably from behind was unbelievably sexy. Katherine couldn't imagine anything more mom-like if she tried!

It was enough to make her sigh as she stepped out of the apartment and into her car. She didn't want to go to work. She wanted to stay with her naked mommy, have some more fun with her, marvel at her beautiful body, just for a little while longer. Fate robbed her of the opportunity to spend any quality time with her biological mother; why couldn't she spend all the time she wanted to with her sexy fake mother? Speaking of which, said sexy fake mother was exiting the apartment, no doubt to head out for work herself. She looked the part; her hair was neatly combed, her face was done up, and she had her purse and her briefcase in her hands. The only thing she didn't have were her clothes. She had walked outside stark naked! Katherine completely blanched. What is she...how did...her naked problem! It must be kicking in again! "Mom, Carol, wait!" Katherine shouted as she flung her door open. It was too late. Carol had already slammed her own shut and was pulling out of her building's meager parking lot. Katherine had to act fast! She was parked on the other side of the street opposite her lover's place. If she ran quick enough, maybe, just maybe she could slam into Carol's car and get her attention. Unfortunately, she wasn't quick enough. By the time the black girl's foot hit the sidewalk, Carol was already on the road and zooming away, her car rapidly disappearing over the horizon. Putting more and more distance between her and her clothes. Katherine had to admit, the idea of Carol driving around town and going to work in the buff was really hot! Who knows just how many people's days she would make stepping into the office bouncing breasts first? But...more likely than not, she would just get arrested if she did that. And fired! And Katherine couldn't let that happen, not to her mommy! She whipped out her phone and began texting furiously. She had to tell Carol, had to warn her! Calling her would be better, but knowing the nudist woman, she wouldn't answer it in the car. She was too responsible like that. So Katy did the next best thing: she spammed her girlfriend with messages! 'mom ur naked' 'get dressed' 'hurry' 'gr8 ass btw' Hopefully, the constant stream of alerts would get Carol's attention before she got out of her car and exposed herself to everyone. Because if they didn't... Katherine jumped. She thought she heard a loud screech off in the distance. It sounded like some kind of screaming machine. Or some kind of screaming person. She couldn't be sure. Maybe it was both; a screaming robot person. That would be something. The roaring hum of rolling tires and panicked machinery grew louder as a familiar-looking car suddenly appeared and started to zoom its way in her direction. But before Katherine could utter a sigh of relief over her message to Carol coming through, she was forced to jump back as the car came to a very sudden and very dangerous halt, spinning a near 180 degrees on the road as a certain someone slammed on the brakes a little too hard. SCRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The tires screamed as they grinded on the pavement, no doubt leaving rubber skids marks behind. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The tires' screams turned into Carol's as she flew out of her car in a mad panic, nearly knocking Katherine over as she blazed past her, naked and barefoot as the day she was born. Katherine was amazed the apartment building didn't get itself a new Carol-shaped window. *** The blush didn't fade from either Carol's face or her body. Not while she dressed herself. Not while she got back in her car. Not while she drove to work. Not while she entered the building, rode the elevator, and walked into the office. And it still didn't fade as gravity all but kicked her into her chair with a steel-toed boot. It still burned her every inch of skin, making her look and feel like a lobster in a pot of boiling water. Red, hot, cramped, and ready to blow up at a moment's notice. She thought she was going to get better, but she wasn't. She was getting worse. The thought to put her clothes on didn't cross her mind at all this morning. If Katherine hadn't been there, if Katherine hadn't warned her in time, if Carol's phone had been muted...she would never have realized that she had gone to work butt-naked until it was too late! Waiting out whatever condition was afflicting her wasn't going to do it. Carol had to...had to...had to do something to put an end to it! Because if she didn't, then she'd... "Hey, Carol! Working hard, or hardly working?" Carol stifled both a groan and the urge to bang her head on her desk. A talk with the office clown was the last thing she needed right now. "Not now, Harold," she mumbled. "I'm not having the best day right now." "Sorry to hear that," said her well-meaning co-worker. "What's been going on? Anything I can do to help?" "No there isn't. And I don't wanna talk about it," Carol muttered, too tired and surly to think up a proper excuse. Harold looked like he had more to say, but before he could so much as get another word in, a new voice suddenly spoke up. "Um, Miss...Connors is it?" Carol looked up to see who else decided it was their goddess-given duty to aggravate her and once more resisted the urge to bang her head on the her desk. Of all the people who had to approach her at this bitter hour, it had to be none other than the new intern. The cute, innocent-looking, bespectacled one she nearly bumped into yesterday, and who put all kinds of dirty thoughts into her head. "Yes?" she snapped, not bothering to hide her annoyance. She regretted it immediately when she saw the girl wilt behind the stacks of papers and folders she was holding. "I-I've been told to pass this onto you," the intern stammered. "Elaine Cassidy will be coming in today. They want you to speak to her about her work-in-progress." The blood finally drained from Carol's face. "Elaine...Cassidy? Oh Goddess, no..." The intern wasn't done talking. "And, since they don't know when she'll be here, they want you stationed in Writer's Room 3 for the day so she can have her meeting with you as soon as she gets here." Carol didn't bang her head on her desk, but she did lower her head onto it, burying it in her arms if only to give herself the illusion that she was actually hiding. Because the Goddess only knew how much she really needed to hide! She couldn't see the intern's face, but she was certain the poor girl was likely confused. "And, uh...they suggested you read over her manuscript while you wait for her. To review what you think needs to be revised and all." "Noooooooooooo," Carol moaned into her arms, really wanting to cry right now. "Um, that's all I had to say, so...bye!" said the intern. The rapid padding of her feet indicated she was scurrying away as fast as she could. No doubt she wasn't very comfortable speaking to Carol either. "Goddess damn son of a..." Carol muttered as she pushed herself up, pausing only to meet the baffled gaze of Harold. "Why are you looking at me like that? And what are you still doing here?" "Elaine...Cassidy?" he said. "Is she by any chance related to Jay Elliot Cassidy?" "Yes. She's the daughter of our company's bestselling author," said Carol. "And honestly, that's the only reason she's given the time of day here." "I take it she's a difficult person to work with?" "Difficult, annoying, immature, unprofessional, and very pretentious," said Carol giving her head a rub to soothe the headache that was starting to make itself known. "She thinks she's the Goddess' gift to writing, but she's not. She's terrible! She feels the need to describe every goddesss-damn little thing and action. She spent five whole pages describing a woman putting groceries away! Five pages! Of 'she put this in the fridge and that in the fridge and this in the fridge.' And three whole paragraphs talking about how handsome a man's chin was! I have never read anything more grueling and tedious in my life! And if you try to tell her what's wrong, she gets snippy and accuses you of just not getting her 'art!' It's just...AGGGHHHHH!" "Sounds...difficult," said Harold unhelpfully. "Any idea why they're having you talk to her?" "No clue at all," said Carol. "Maybe I'm the only person here she'll kind of sort of listen to? Or maybe this whole universe just hates me? I don't know!" "I see," said Harold. "By the way, what is this goddess you keep mentioning?" Carol raised an eyebrow worryingly. "G-goddess?" "Yeah, you keep saying 'goddess.' Often wherever most people would say 'god.' Is this some kind of new expression going around? Or did you convert to a new religion?" "I...haven't converted to anything," stammered Carol, who was starting to feel awfully hot again. Hot...and sweaty. "I...I have to go to the Writer's Room right now." "Yeah, I guess you should," said Harold. "Good luck! May the Goddess, whoever she is, be with you for your meeting with Miss Cassidy!" Carol grumbled at his quip as she grabbed her things and got a move on, though she couldn't help but wish it would actually be true. Goddess knew she could really use a...goddess. *** It was called the Writer's Room not because it was where people went to write, but because it was typically where writers would go to talk business with the good people of the Trilo Publishing Company. It and its sister rooms were cozy little places that offered plenty of privacy not found in the rest of the office, making them especially ideal for an author to learn from a copy editor like Carol why their book was trash and why they were trash for writing it. That's what Carol wanted to tell Elaine the second the little bitch set foot inside anyway. Going over her text like she had been for the past 30 minutes was darkening the mother's already foul mood. 'First she pulled out the milk and she put that in the fridge. Then she pulled out the juice and she put that in the fridge. Then she pulled out the bananas and she put those in the fridge...' "For fuck's sake, you don't put bananas in the fridge!" she roared, resisting her every urge to hurl the computer monitor at the wall. "This idiot knows nothing! How much longer does this go for? Goddess...did she jot down her grocery list during a bad case of writer's block or what? No, I doubt she's ever had to go grocery-shopping in her life. Damn it, my daughters wrote more engaging shit in first grade!" Carol took an angry sip of her coffee, all the while secretly wishing it was wine. Being drunk was the only thing that would make reading this crap bearable. Her wish intensified the moment the bitter-tasting liquid hit her lips. "Gah! Too hot! Too hot!" she sputtered, hastily stowing the mug on the edge of her desk. "Looks like it's going to be another rotten day," she grumbled, dropping her head despondently into her hand. It was bad enough she'd have to talk to someone as irritating as Elaine, but did the wait have to be so grueling too? She scrolled ahead into the document. Maybe there was a better, more engaging passage later on. Stories tended to be a lot more iffy on the early parts after all. Perhaps Elaine found her voice on page 100 or so? 'Like a billion rays of brilliant gilded sunshine did his hair flutter and fly in the breeze, twirling like the spinning whirlpools that were likely spinning somewhere in the azul-coloured ocean from which the waves crashed on the beach they were both standing on like two tall statues standing in the dawn. She loved his hair. She loved that about him. She would jump in and dive in it if she could, she would paddle, swim, and kick in it like it was the cerulean ocean that was meeting the beach they were both standing on, she would wear it on her body like a new dress bought at the store. That was how much she loved his hair. That was how much she loved Jones, but which she could never find the lexemes or vocables to inform him of that emotion she felt. Just like how she loved his chin. It was magnificently square, it kind of reminded her of a big rock and it...' "Ohhhhh Goooooooodeeeeesssssssss," Carol groaned, rubbing her head. This hurt so much that she swore her brain was trying to break out of her skull just to be free of this madness. Reading this text couldn't be good for anybody's health, and she was expected to pore over it for possibly HOURS? "I can't do this," she breathed as she minimized the document on the computer screen. "I need to read something better. Something more engaging. Something..." Her eyes fell down to her purse, where the Scripture of Zenriah was peering out at her like a mischievous kitten just begging to be petted. "Something...erotic," she whispered before snatching it up in her greedy hands. *** And so the Goddess could love and be loved eternally as ever She desired, but nay, the same could not be said of Her wives. For though they ever basked in the love of their Goddess, never could they sing they their love for Her as ever as they wished. Every hour of every day and every hour of every night rang with the hymn of Zenriah and a hundred scores of Her wives, and yet in those times were hundred scores more who could not sing with Her. It was in those periods of silence where new songs would have to be sung in ways never sung to the Goddess before. Arnessi yearned for her Goddess in Her hours of absence, so she took to wallowing and bathing in the clay from which all Womankind was made. She let it drip and she let it seep upon her form until it enwombed her from toe tip to hair tip, and then she let it seep within her woman. For Arnessi knew that the Goddess had once touched these pools of creation and in doing so, mayhap She was touching her once more. In her singing and her bucking and her blossoming, Arnessi learned she too could shape the clay like the Goddess had before. By embracing it with her arms and kneading it in her hands, by smothering it in her chest, and enclosing it in her bloom, Arnessi was able to create a still being in the image of Zenriah. Enraptured by her creation, Arnessi sought to create more. Statue after statue of the Goddess did she create, each more beautiful and more perfect than the last. More came to look upon what Arnessi had made and like her, they too were struck with love by the image of their Goddess. And so they joined Arnessi in her creation. Through smothering of lips and licking of tongues and of blooming of flowers and quaking of yoni, they sent ripples through the lakes of mud, they pushed rock and stone, they reshaped earth, erected mountains, split canyons, sprinkled dust, and cooled lava. When they were done, they made the first and greatest sculpture in all the history of Womankind. A home fit for a Goddess, Her Wives, Her consorts, and Her children. She made the Temple of Zenriah. And so she became known as Arnessi the Builder... ... The Goddess and the fire. For Kinuse, these were the only passions that mattered. When with the fire, she yearned for the Goddess. When with the Goddess, she yearned for the fire. For though Woman was a creature prone to dripping and flowing and running as water dripped and flowed and ran, was she not also fire given physical form? Did Woman not dance as fire danced? Did Woman not warm as fire warmed? Did Woman not tremble in the throes of passion as fire trembled? Did Woman not lick the petals of her being as fire licked? When Kinuse did not lay with Zenriah, when Kinuse did not lay with Woman, then Kinuse did lay with fire. And she loved it in all the ways that she loved Goddess and Woman! If fire could love Kinuse as Woman loved her, then could it not love the Goddess as Woman loved Her as well? So Kinuse bathed in only the purest of oils, shorn of the blood of fallen trees and leviathans. She spread it across her flesh, soaked it into her hair, and let it flow into the valleys of her posterior and of her labia until it became that of another skin over her form. And then she set herself aflame. Wreathed in fire and ensconced in flame and embroiled in light and emanating of heat, Kinuse presented herself to the Goddess in all her fiery glory and she began to dance. She thrust her breasts into the air, she twirled her hair round in circles, she splayed her legs and kicked them skyward to show her Goddess the glowing embers of her womanhood. And she burned all throughout. From her hair and from her hand and from her feet and from her nips, the flames danced and they dazzled and cast wondrous shadows all around Kinuse as the sun sank and the moon rose. All looked upon Kinuse as she danced with stars in their eyes, enchanted by the lights that never illuminated their nights in all the centuries they had lived through before. And none were more delighted than Zenriah. No longer able to contain Herself, the Goddess took to a lioness stalking her prey and pounced upon Her fiery lover with a hunger never known before. Licking the rosebud of the Goddess with her tongue and her hands and her breasts and her body and her flames, Kinuse proved that Woman was indeed a creature of fire as much as she was a being of water. For four days she burned until finally the Goddess' pleasure quenched her with a wave of infinite love, and with it went Kinuse's wakefulness. She laid happily in the pool of her Beloved's loving essence, completely unburned and unscorched by a force fatal to lesser beings made not by divine hands. ... And so Kinuse the Unburned became a holy flame to illuminate the Goddess's Temple and Her growing city forevermore. ... Enamored by the flowers, Lila... *** "Hey, old lady! Old ladyyyyyy? Wake up! I'm right here! HellOOOOOOO? Is anyone home?" Old lady? Looking up from her book with an indignant scowl, Carol growled: "Who are you calling—" Oh. It was her. She recognized that bleached blond hair and that snooty glare any day of the week. It was Elaine Cassidy, looking like she always did: like she owned the place and that the world revolved around her. Just seeing her made Carol want to wretch. Sadly, that was just another one of many things Carol couldn't do thanks to the demands of life and especially of her job. The only thing she could do was put on her biggest fake smile and pretend that everything was just dandy right now. No matter how much it hurt her soul or her face. "Oh, Miss Cassidy, what a pleasure it is to <>see</i> you a...see you a..." Her voice trailed off. Her fake smile flickered and a cold chill fell over her whole body. Not a metaphorical chill used to illustrate a sudden sense of unease, but a very literal chill that blew all over her skin from the office's air conditioning, causing goose bumps to rise over nearly every inch of her exposed flesh. It hit all the parts of her that it normally did, like her face and her neck and her hands. And it hit all the parts of her that it normally didn't as well. Like her shoulders, her back, her stomach, her thighs, her feet, and especially her breasts. I didn't. She looked down. To her horror, it turned out she very much did! Caroline Connors was sitting at the desk, in her workplace, before a very important client for her company. And she was completely naked!

[abs0luteb4stard]

My spiritual war began half a lifetime ago. And I will carry it on even after I'm dead one day. Ω

Most people are raised with a religion or beliefs.

Some of them lose faith. Some become atheists. Some stay where they are in believing.

I I suppose I haven't fully stopped believing in a spiritual power/experience.

Call it the "God Gene" (VMAT2) or illogical stupidity, But I just can't purge that notion from my head.

According to the God Gene Hypothesis: "Spirituality is supposed to provide an evolutionary advantage by providing individuals with an innate sense of optimism."

I do not feel that optimism that there is a God or sentient universe out there. Or that "God has a plan".

I feel unspeakably betrayed.

When I was a young kid. I think I was very well behaved. I cared. I had a great heart. If that wasn't good enough for any god. Then they don't follow their own teachings.

When I got to middle school. I was scared. Three local schools were merged all my friends were lost in the shuffle. I thought it'll be difficult to make new friends, but I had hope.

Well, that hope wasn't lost. It was gouged out and raped from my spirit. Not just spiritually but my spirit of hope caring and goodness.

The bullying. They called me faggot, poor boy, foreigner (born here but was given a "foreign" name) on and on. They spit in my books. They knocked my books out of my hands everyday, between every class. Choked me, beat me, spit on me. There wasn't just a group, the group spread rumors and enlisted others in their attacks on me. Even my old friends from elementary school abandoned me because association with me was repugnant to their social standing. I once saw a buddy from elementary and said hello at his locker only to be ignored like I didn't exist.

Those 2 years of middle school left me completely empty. I remember I went to sleep every weeknight praying to die in my sleep. Ashamed at how that would hurt my parents if it came true. Then I would be woken up for school the next morning secretly crying because I was still alive and had to go through another day.

If there was a gun I would have gladly killed every one of those motherfuckers who were bullying me.

Especially Chas. He was the one who got the ball rolling on my destruction. How a dickhead who was seemingly proud of his failure of the 7th grade the year before I came there had such social clout with these pieces of shit I'll never understand.

High school was hell, but it slowly matured. Not without its own degrading moments where I was bullied or attacked or pushed down or spit on. But I think those who were there were preparing for their college or next step.

My grades were average. My spirit was broken already. My hope was nowhere. I was lucky to graduate probably.

I'm no longer normal. Those years of abuse at school changed me irrevocably. Everyday for 2 years. Non-stop. Physical, emotional, mental, pen tips pressed into the back of my neck till a bled. A pen cap pushed into my ear luckily it didn't hit my ear drum.

Principals, counselors, nobody did anything. Anything they did do was either a warning or giving me a punishment for retaliations.

I was punished for someone abusing me.

So I dropped out of local community college after a spotty 2 years. Continued schooling just came with anxieties and fear. I'd already had my life's share of that. I needed surgery and after I just let go of further education. Of a career of any kind.

Now I'm 33, soon to be 34. And these things that have effected me since half my life ago still affect me today. Call it C-PTSD or anxiety or trauma, social phobia, agoraphobia. It's all the same to me.

The bullies are gone but make no mistake theyre haunting me.

So where the fuck was God?

Where was his miracle for me?

Why didn't he spilt the red sea for me? I'm not as important as Moses. Where was his warning that I should build a boat like Noah?

No burning bush, no "hey Abraham, go kill your son", nothing. Not from this god or any fucking god.

Not once.

But some stupid genetic marker (VMAT2) anchors me to believe?

In the years since school I went through the divorce of my parents which was particularly hard if you knew me you'd understand.

My dad needed a 2nd open heart surgery which led to a big stroke from a clot that broke off. His arm and leg that were effected mostly came back. But his mind was effected permanently. The parts of the brain that were injured left him with memory problems. He couldn't live on his own, he'd already come back home with my mom and me before that to live with us after a hard hip replacement surgery.

Then I went through my mother's surprise lung cancer diagnosis, surgery, and so far no signs of it returning. Luckily it was found early after she had a cold and cough they wouldn't go away and got a chest x-ray.

Now my dad 4.5 years after his stroke and ongoing memory problems, he woke up yesterday the happiest man who ever lived, he had so much love and kisses and hugs to give.

But shockingly he completely forgot who I was. He thought I was a visiting neighbor. He forgot who my mom was. But he was happy to meet his son and wife for the first time again in this new place (it's the same place and the same people he'd always known before).

But I am crushed. I'm so deeply affected. He's happy and jolly enough for 3 people to meet us...

But my mom and I are very sad. It's such a shock. While he is thankfully happy and comfortable with his 'new family' that we are. I've cried more than my muted emotions have let me cry in the last 15 years.

He told me he's sorry that he missed being part of my life before now. Nothing cut my heart up quite like that. He apologizes for not knowing or recognizing me.

I've been betrayed by God all my life or at least that VMAT2 gene chemically telling my brain there's a higher power.

I'm just not important enough. No miracles to help me get out of this PTSD or my other medical issues. No reprieve from these life threatening illnesses my parents got one after the other. And now my father doesn't know who I am anymore.

Maybe god like those bullies just hate me too? If were created in his image then he's as capable of hate and torturing as we his human creations are.

After all he made a bet with the devil that Job in the bible would keep the faith in God no matter what god did to him. He gave him diseases, killed his livestock, killed his family with sickness, and burned down his house. But the dumb motherfucker still loved god.

He gave him all be house, animals and family after the ordeal, but the other wife and children didn't deserve to die for a bet. "But they went to heaven". They still had potential energy, lives to live grow old and have their own families, but "God" killed them to prove he was right in bet to the devil. That an idiot would still love him after all that.

So maybe I can't stop believing in God, or have some leftover spirituality.

But I'm not as fucking forgiving ad that dumb motherfucker Job. But I'm also not willing to just walk away from God's game. I'm more than ever cemented my hate for God. I'm giving the devil sympathy or joining his side. If there is such a thing.

I'm instead giving God - ALL MY HATE.

I've got infinite amounts of anger and hate in me. For every millisecond of my torture in school I hate those pieces of shit, at one point that was all that kept me from killing myself. I'm filled to overflowing.

Now there's nothing and no one I hate more than God. I don't care about abortion, I don't care about pollution, I don't care about animals raised in cages and mutilated.

My dad is apologizing to me for what his stroke did to make him forget me. He's apologizing to me with regret, shame and love in his eyes for something that's not his fault.

WHERE IS GOD!? hmm? His love and miracles? His bullshit?!

God. Guardian Angels? Any God or Goddess. Any religion, pagan gods, gods that we don't even know existed. Where are they? Spirits? Demons? Satan himself? Useless.

I have declared a war on God deep down in my soul. I'm not here to preach or change your religion, make you an atheist or garner views or to promote the devil.

But rest assured I am going to kill God. My determination is absolute.

Not in a social or political sense, I'm not going to become Nietzsche 2.0.

I'm going to prepare my heart and soul. My physical body, my mental attitude, my spirit, my soul. My life might go until I'm 120 years old and I'm fine with that.

But God will know fear because I will teach it to him. God has a death wish and I'm that wish come true.

You think Abu Ghraib looked terrible? What I do to God will make that seem like a Kumbaya summer camp.

I don't know what god is, what makes a deity, fucked if know if such a thing even exists. But I will torture, maim, and kill God.

These neo-pagans with their "All Gods are one God."

That's fine by me. Get the all Gods in one place so I can kill that motherfucker with a smile on my face. Even if he's holding the universe together, like Atlas holding the world. If it means the end of all things then I'm more than satisfied to end reality.

If there's a physical aspect to him on some spiritual realm or whether it's simply a psychic thought of the living mind or some genetic predisposed delusion. Maybe I've lost my mind too, maybe there's nothing left but my madness.

My wrath makes God in the old Testament look like a spoiled 3 year old child. God will get what's coming to him.

He is mine and I am his.

·

"Nor sleep, nor sanctuary, being naked, sick, the prayers of priests, nor times of sacrifice shall lift up their rotten privilege and custom against my hate to Martius. Where I find him, were it at home, upon my brother's guard, even there, will I wash my fierce hand in his heart."

—AUFIDIUS; Shakespeare's "Coriolanus"

·

·

"I'll fight with none but thee, for I do hate thee."

—Caius Martius Coriolanus; play of the same name.

[automatismoateo]

Help I’m 15 and my mom said in the nicest way possible that she thinks that I’m basically retarded. via /r/atheism

Help I’m 15 and my mom said in the nicest way possible that she thinks that I’m basically retarded.

Yesterday a Priest came over at our house with some holy water or something and sprayed it all over the house and then normally you have to kiss a wooden cross, everyone in my family did that except me, I refused because I am a atheist but then the Priest started to lecture me on religion and what not and then he started to make nonsensical examples about Science that cannot be proven even though nothing can be proven about religion… naturally I started to raise my voice a bit (so did the Priest) because every time I came up with a new argument the priests only answer was that “god wanted it that way” or “god made it that way”.

Later that day my mom said that she was mad at me for raising my voice (and that I raise my voice pretty often when I talk to her but that’s only because she always raises first) to the Priest (which is understandable) but at the same time she was mad at me because I did not believe in religion.

Today as my mom was getting ready to go for work I asked her if she can get me anything from where she works (she works in a bakery) she replied with and I cant make this shit up: “no because you screamed at the Priest, I want to make a appointment for you with a therapist” basically implying that I have some sort of disability with aggression. Help, I am at a loss for words right now and I don’t know what to do (I am planning to move to my dads soon I guess) so sorry if my grammar is bad (English also isn’t my first language so yeah).

Submitted January 05, 2022 at 05:11AM by edimuscatouster (From Reddit https://ift.tt/3t3gPiH)

[abimckeag-blog]

In Detail, part one

now that I’ve identified the bulk of the experiences I’ve had throughout my life, I feel it’s only fair to explain how I’ve delt with them and what caused them to begin with.

I can’t always identify the roots of my issues, but I can normally come pretty close to knowing what triggered any self destructive behavior or negative mindset.

In this post I want to discuss my struggle with suicidal thoughts.

I know this is a topic that doesn’t get discussed as freely and often as it should.

according to an article written in May of 2017, over 9 million people in America alone consider killing themselves every year.

and to me, that number seems small.

I know several people who have also struggled with thoughts of suicide and unfortunately I knew several people who lost their battles.

I hope that if you are struggling right now you can draw inspiration from my story to seek out help, you should never have to deal with this alone.

before I continue I’m going to leave the number to the suicide hotline here, in case anyone can’t remember the name of that one Logic song, and because it’s a great outlet right at your fingertips, please take advantage of it if you feel the need.

1-800-273-8255, there’s an online chat option if you feel like a phone call would be uncomfortable, remember it’s anonymous, and NO ONE is ever going to judge you for taking care of yourself.

now onto my story.

until I was, around 9 I had no idea what suicide was, I didn’t realize that was an option.

I had a fairly standard childhood, I don’t remember that much to be honest.

I know my parents loved me and my siblings, but I also know they weren’t around much.

both of my parents worked full time and on call as anesthesiologists at the hospital in North Platte and we had a nanny to watch us during the day.

the bulk of my childhood memories revolve around time spent with babysitters and nannies and being forced to go to piano lessons and volleyball practice and dance lessons and the typical childhood stuff.

when I was young I didn’t want to partake in a lot of the stuff my parents signed me up for which I think is normal for young kids, I really wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to suck it up and accept the blessings they were giving me.

but as a little 7 year old being forced to play soccer when all I wanted to do was build forts in my backyard, I couldn’t see how privileged I was to be given these opportunities.

to me, it seemed like the only time I saw my parents was when they were taking me to and from these things and even then my nanny took me to the bulk of the activities, so you’d think I’d enjoy going out and playing sports cause I got to see my parents, but that wasn’t the case.

I wanted to quit them so that we’d have time to stay at home and play hide and seek and just normal kid stuff.

as a little kid though you have no way of conveying that’s what you’re thinking, instead, all you can do is throw a fit and come off as a total brat.

so growing up with your parents not around is kind of rough and I think that really set me up for some not so great life experiences.

I never learned how to communicate with my parents, I never talked with them about important things like religion, boys, puberty, etc.

they sure tried to talk to me about it, but I never reciprocated that connection, I thought if I kept all my issues to myself then I’d seem stronger and more put together.

now all this detail about my childhood, which honestly was a great childhood, I am truly blessed, I know there are so many people out there with stories so so so much worse than mine, anyways, this just explains how I never learned to communicate or find a healthy outlet for my emotions because I only wanted to talk to my parents about all the cool stuff I did that day and not serious issues.

suicide had never crossed my mind until I was probably 11 or 12, I was a really early bloomer and my hormones basically turned me into a tyrant.

I was constantly mad at everything and I found that rebelling against my parents was going to be my new outlet.

I died my hair, I smeared black eyeliner on, I bought black lipstick, I wore all black clothes (still do, but it’s fashion), I listened to loud, angry music, I painted my nails black, I quit going to church, or when I did I was mad about it, I turned into the stereotype you’re already probably picturing.

but the thing is, I wasn’t just changing my outward appearance and physical state, my mental state was deteriorating.

it takes so much energy to be mad all the time and it was exhausting me.

I felt terrible about myself, I turned to starving myself and cutting myself and then eventually binge eating hoping it would somehow make me feel better.

I had a voice in the back of my head telling me it would all go away if I just ended it.

on several occasions I remember raiding our medicine cabinet hoping to find something I knew I could overdose on.

I remember holding a handful of ibuprofen up to my mouth hoping that if I swallowed it I would just disappear, but God was watching me.

he’d been with me this whole time no matter how many times I denied him.

something told me it wouldn’t be worth it, I told myself it wouldn’t work, I’d just end up getting my stomach pumped, and then everything would be worse afterwards.

I didn’t do it.

moving to a new town certainly saved my life in some aspects, for those that don’t know, I moved right before my eighth grade year, I transferred from a lutheran school to a public middle school.

it was quite the shock, it definitely was beneficial but also detrimental for my mental health.

I continued to struggle with the thoughts of suicide all throughout high school.

my junior year of high school was when everything peaked.

I’d made a dumb mistake that summer before without thinking about the consequences.

I lost a lot of friends and those that were once my friends were now the closest thing to bullies I’d ever experienced.

it made me sick to wake up in the morning knowing I’d have to go to school and see them everyday.

the things that were said to me were unbelievably cruel.

I remember driving around late at night just debating if I should drive my car into a light pole or a ditch, I remember considering driving head on into the oncoming traffic on many occasions.

but everytime I almost made the worst decision of my life, God intervened.

now I have never been an extremely religious person, I was raised in the church, my mom has always been on the worship team wherever we were, and my father is an extremely spiritual man, but it never translated to me until this summer.

so during this whole time, I never once sat down and prayed and asked God for advice, yet he somehow still got me through everything.

eventually, junior year ended, and there I was.

still standing.

I met a boy and I fell in love and we were together for my entire senior year, and then in late December, my self esteem dropped.

my mental health was beginning to deteriorate and thoughts of suicide rushed through my brain.

I tried to explain to him what was happening to me, but I couldn’t find the right words and he had issues going on in his life he needed to cope with, and eventually after struggling with thoughts of killing myself for 5 months, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had a full mental breakdown in May and after months of living in a broken relationship, torn apart by my inability to love myself, we ended things.

it destroyed me for a few weeks, but I invested myself so heavily in my job and I changed gyms and started hanging out with friends whenever I could, I just sort of ignored it.

it was when nobody was around and I was home doing nothing that feelings of immense depression overtook me.

I struggled with the worst season of binge eating I’ve ever experienced this summer.

I wouldn’t get out of bed until 1pm on a good day, I’d stay out till 5am, and then repeat the cycle.

then I had my awakening, God was still watching me, he was hoping I’d find him on my own, but that wasn’t the case.

he sent one of my best friends to save me.

I spilled out everything, every bad thought, every raw emotion I’d been holding inside, and I felt free.

they told me about God’s grace and mercy and his never ending forgiveness.

they said “if God can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself?”.

I started to look in the mirror and instead of hating the person I’d become, I started appreciating myself for overcoming what I’ve been through.

instead of hating my body, I appreciated it for all the amazing things it’s capable of.

instead of living in regret for past decisions, I let them go.

I stopped dwelling.

but here I am today, laying on my bedroom floor, and I’ll admit that yesterday I wasn’t happy with myself, and the day before that, and the day before that, and even right now I know I’m not 100% content with myself.

and that’s okay.

I still struggle with thoughts of suicide, I have been for 7 years.

I will never be perfect.

I may never stop having dark thoughts, but I will never give in.

I know I have a purpose, I know I have worth, I know I am not useless.

and neither are you.

none of us are.

we are all beautifully and wonderfully made and God loves us so much, it’s completely unfathomable.

if you are struggling today and you need someone to talk, feel free to talk to me, I am here for anyone, but before you talk to me,

I want you to pray.

ask for guidance, ask for forgiveness, and know that you are loved, no matter how far you think you stray from the Lord, he is always right there beside you, just waiting for you to call on him.

now I know there’s a lot I didn’t cover in this, even though it’s very long, but I will continue posting these, hence why this is only part one.

each one discussing different issues I have dealt with and I’m sure some of you are experiencing.

I really hope this helped you, even if it didn’t, I hope you can understand for just a second that God loves you, he always has, and always will.