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abimckeag-blog · 6 years ago

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In Detail, part two

I struggle with doubt a lot,

anxiety,

worry,

just that feeling of unsurity.

am I really doing what I should be? is this all I can do? is this what I need to do? why am I doing this?

I almost go into a state of consciousness where I lose control and just go wherever the current chain of events takes me.

this, this is certainly a problem.

while I know God has never left me, there have been times where my absentminded decisions have certainly steered me in the opposite direction of his presence and left me with many regrets and an intense amount of guilt.

I’m going to talk about my experiences with self destructive behavior and coping with guilt and shame.

I feel like this is really important for me to do because I have a bad habit of just playing things off and pretending nothing can phase me, but that’s not the case.

on several occasions I’ve had complete mental breakdowns over past mistakes I’ve made.

it starts with a few bad thoughts about myself and what I’ve done and then my entire being is coursing with regret and shame and a deep rooted self hatred and all I want to do is scream at myself.

there’s one occasion in particular I feel like I should discuss, its not very pleasant, but since it happened I’ve sort of gotten over it and grown since then.

so it was the summer before my junior year and I was out of my first “real relationship”, I was out partying, I was drinking, smoking, I’d lost my virginity earlier that year, it’s a recipe for disaster.

I was far too young to be doing any of the things I was and I was far too young to understand how much “having fun” would effect me later in life.

I had a pretty solid friend group going into the summer, we hung out a lot, and I felt accepted and I was happy.

but it wasn’t enough, I’ve always felt the need to have some type of appreciation and attention from men.

like ever since I was young I was constantly doing things to impress boys. I would fight and run and play video games and anything I thought a guy would be interested in, if you haven’t noticed, that’s slightly stuck with me into adulthood, it’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s made me who I am today.

anyways, I had my friends, but I wanted more, I craved that stupid affection from someone of the opposite sex.

eventually it came in the form of a friend, he expressed a slight interest in me and of course I threw myself at it.

we hung out at his house for the first time, we watched a movie, I remember having a good time, we kissed once when I left, I went home happy.

we continued to hang out with our group of friends since that’s what we used to do, eventually people caught on and were constantly asking me about him.

I didn’t know what to say, we never communicated what we were doing, we’d hung out once, we’d kissed once, and that was it, a few weeks went by and I started to get antsy.

I felt like that must’ve been it, it wasn’t going to be anything serious, he never told me he liked me or anything, so I threw any ounce of caution I had left into the wind and made a big mistake.

I hooked up with someone I’d been off and on with for years now and it just so happened that my ex boyfriend heard about it and told my friend that I’d watched the movie with.

he was livid, I didn’t understand, we hadn’t discussed us at all, we weren’t in a relationship, I couldn’t understand why he’d be so mad, but then in an act of cowardice, I lied, I said it wasn’t true, I hadn’t hooked up with him.

he believed me.

we dated for about a month, his family was going on vacation so we slept together before he left, the very day he got back, he told me the guy i’d hooked up with had told him that it was true and he broke up with me.

now I know this was my fault, I’m the one who hooked up with someone else, but it hurt so bad to know that he faked our whole relationship to sleep with me and then left.

it really messed me up, but the thing was, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because all my friends couldn’t believe I’d lied to them about it too.

they all took his side, which, who can blame them really, this was all my fault and it could’ve been easily avoided.

so why wasn’t it?

I have the hardest time saying no, even when I want to, it’s terrible, it’s led to me making a lot of mistakes, obviously.

so when my friend I hooked up with asked me to do it, I talked my way around it for about a week, but I remember the moment I said yes.

I was extremely frustrated, the boy I liked wasn’t really communicating, I felt like he didn’t care, it motivated that decision that I extremely absentmindedly made.

when I got to the “hook-up”, my stomach dropped, I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want to do it, but a voice in the back of my head kept saying “don’t say you don’t want to or he’ll think you’re a bitch”, and that was all it took to do something i’d regret for a very long time.

my first semester of my junior year was probably the worst time of my life.

I felt like everyone was out to get me, I had very few friends left, I turned to more boys.

that made things worse.

I would have episodes where I would get home or be driving and just breakdown.

I felt like I had destroyed my life and my reputation.

looking back, very few people knew the true story, and by the end of my senior year, all the people I’d thought I’d lost had forgiven me.

I still feel terrible for what I did and how it affected all the people involved, but if it hadn’t happened, I’m not quite sure what my life would look like now, I don’t think it could be better, because right now I feel freer than I ever have, and I’m here sharing my story.

what I want you to take away from this, is definitely not that partying and dumb mistakes don’t do anything on the end, it’s that even if you do mess up you shouldn’t dwell on your guilt, you shouldn’t let shame control your life.

because God forgave you the second you slipped up and you need to learn to forgive yourself.

self forgiveness is one of the most important things you can ever learn and it’s one of the things i’m still learning today, no matter how hard it may seem at the time, it always pays off in the end.

I think I may have rambled a lot in this, but if it helped you in anyway, I am so happy, remember to always get help if you feel like you can’t handle what you’re going through and never forget that God loves you!!

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abimckeag-blog · 6 years ago

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I didn’t go to church this morning and I find myself doing that a lot. not because I don’t like church, I just find it really hard sometimes to go and be surrounded by all these other people who appear to have their lives together and are super happy and excited about life. I just feel inadequate and like I don’t have the same passion they do and it makes it really hard for me to experience the worship in the way that I should. but I know this isn’t true, deep down we all have our issues, and you should never think you’re alone in your struggles, but our minds work in funny ways and it definitely seems that way sometimes. you should never feel as if you’re not worthy. we are all children of God and we are beyond worthy.

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abimckeag-blog · 6 years ago

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“turn shame to power”

- Kanye West

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abimckeag-blog · 6 years ago

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In Detail, part one

now that I’ve identified the bulk of the experiences I’ve had throughout my life, I feel it’s only fair to explain how I’ve delt with them and what caused them to begin with.

I can’t always identify the roots of my issues, but I can normally come pretty close to knowing what triggered any self destructive behavior or negative mindset.

In this post I want to discuss my struggle with suicidal thoughts.

I know this is a topic that doesn’t get discussed as freely and often as it should.

according to an article written in May of 2017, over 9 million people in America alone consider killing themselves every year.

and to me, that number seems small.

I know several people who have also struggled with thoughts of suicide and unfortunately I knew several people who lost their battles.

I hope that if you are struggling right now you can draw inspiration from my story to seek out help, you should never have to deal with this alone.

before I continue I’m going to leave the number to the suicide hotline here, in case anyone can’t remember the name of that one Logic song, and because it’s a great outlet right at your fingertips, please take advantage of it if you feel the need.

1-800-273-8255, there’s an online chat option if you feel like a phone call would be uncomfortable, remember it’s anonymous, and NO ONE is ever going to judge you for taking care of yourself.

now onto my story.

until I was, around 9 I had no idea what suicide was, I didn’t realize that was an option.

I had a fairly standard childhood, I don’t remember that much to be honest.

I know my parents loved me and my siblings, but I also know they weren’t around much.

both of my parents worked full time and on call as anesthesiologists at the hospital in North Platte and we had a nanny to watch us during the day.

the bulk of my childhood memories revolve around time spent with babysitters and nannies and being forced to go to piano lessons and volleyball practice and dance lessons and the typical childhood stuff.

when I was young I didn’t want to partake in a lot of the stuff my parents signed me up for which I think is normal for young kids, I really wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to suck it up and accept the blessings they were giving me.

but as a little 7 year old being forced to play soccer when all I wanted to do was build forts in my backyard, I couldn’t see how privileged I was to be given these opportunities.

to me, it seemed like the only time I saw my parents was when they were taking me to and from these things and even then my nanny took me to the bulk of the activities, so you’d think I’d enjoy going out and playing sports cause I got to see my parents, but that wasn’t the case.

I wanted to quit them so that we’d have time to stay at home and play hide and seek and just normal kid stuff.

as a little kid though you have no way of conveying that’s what you’re thinking, instead, all you can do is throw a fit and come off as a total brat.

so growing up with your parents not around is kind of rough and I think that really set me up for some not so great life experiences.

I never learned how to communicate with my parents, I never talked with them about important things like religion, boys, puberty, etc.

they sure tried to talk to me about it, but I never reciprocated that connection, I thought if I kept all my issues to myself then I’d seem stronger and more put together.

now all this detail about my childhood, which honestly was a great childhood, I am truly blessed, I know there are so many people out there with stories so so so much worse than mine, anyways, this just explains how I never learned to communicate or find a healthy outlet for my emotions because I only wanted to talk to my parents about all the cool stuff I did that day and not serious issues.

suicide had never crossed my mind until I was probably 11 or 12, I was a really early bloomer and my hormones basically turned me into a tyrant.

I was constantly mad at everything and I found that rebelling against my parents was going to be my new outlet.

I died my hair, I smeared black eyeliner on, I bought black lipstick, I wore all black clothes (still do, but it’s fashion), I listened to loud, angry music, I painted my nails black, I quit going to church, or when I did I was mad about it, I turned into the stereotype you’re already probably picturing.

but the thing is, I wasn’t just changing my outward appearance and physical state, my mental state was deteriorating.

it takes so much energy to be mad all the time and it was exhausting me.

I felt terrible about myself, I turned to starving myself and cutting myself and then eventually binge eating hoping it would somehow make me feel better.

I had a voice in the back of my head telling me it would all go away if I just ended it.

on several occasions I remember raiding our medicine cabinet hoping to find something I knew I could overdose on.

I remember holding a handful of ibuprofen up to my mouth hoping that if I swallowed it I would just disappear, but God was watching me.

he’d been with me this whole time no matter how many times I denied him.

something told me it wouldn’t be worth it, I told myself it wouldn’t work, I’d just end up getting my stomach pumped, and then everything would be worse afterwards.

I didn’t do it.

moving to a new town certainly saved my life in some aspects, for those that don’t know, I moved right before my eighth grade year, I transferred from a lutheran school to a public middle school.

it was quite the shock, it definitely was beneficial but also detrimental for my mental health.

I continued to struggle with the thoughts of suicide all throughout high school.

my junior year of high school was when everything peaked.

I’d made a dumb mistake that summer before without thinking about the consequences.

I lost a lot of friends and those that were once my friends were now the closest thing to bullies I’d ever experienced.

it made me sick to wake up in the morning knowing I’d have to go to school and see them everyday.

the things that were said to me were unbelievably cruel.

I remember driving around late at night just debating if I should drive my car into a light pole or a ditch, I remember considering driving head on into the oncoming traffic on many occasions.

but everytime I almost made the worst decision of my life, God intervened.

now I have never been an extremely religious person, I was raised in the church, my mom has always been on the worship team wherever we were, and my father is an extremely spiritual man, but it never translated to me until this summer.

so during this whole time, I never once sat down and prayed and asked God for advice, yet he somehow still got me through everything.

eventually, junior year ended, and there I was.

still standing.

I met a boy and I fell in love and we were together for my entire senior year, and then in late December, my self esteem dropped.

my mental health was beginning to deteriorate and thoughts of suicide rushed through my brain.

I tried to explain to him what was happening to me, but I couldn’t find the right words and he had issues going on in his life he needed to cope with, and eventually after struggling with thoughts of killing myself for 5 months, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had a full mental breakdown in May and after months of living in a broken relationship, torn apart by my inability to love myself, we ended things.

it destroyed me for a few weeks, but I invested myself so heavily in my job and I changed gyms and started hanging out with friends whenever I could, I just sort of ignored it.

it was when nobody was around and I was home doing nothing that feelings of immense depression overtook me.

I struggled with the worst season of binge eating I’ve ever experienced this summer.

I wouldn’t get out of bed until 1pm on a good day, I’d stay out till 5am, and then repeat the cycle.

then I had my awakening, God was still watching me, he was hoping I’d find him on my own, but that wasn’t the case.

he sent one of my best friends to save me.

I spilled out everything, every bad thought, every raw emotion I’d been holding inside, and I felt free.

they told me about God’s grace and mercy and his never ending forgiveness.

they said “if God can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself?”.

I started to look in the mirror and instead of hating the person I’d become, I started appreciating myself for overcoming what I’ve been through.

instead of hating my body, I appreciated it for all the amazing things it’s capable of.

instead of living in regret for past decisions, I let them go.

I stopped dwelling.

but here I am today, laying on my bedroom floor, and I’ll admit that yesterday I wasn’t happy with myself, and the day before that, and the day before that, and even right now I know I’m not 100% content with myself.

and that’s okay.

I still struggle with thoughts of suicide, I have been for 7 years.

I will never be perfect.

I may never stop having dark thoughts, but I will never give in.

I know I have a purpose, I know I have worth, I know I am not useless.

and neither are you.

none of us are.

we are all beautifully and wonderfully made and God loves us so much, it’s completely unfathomable.

if you are struggling today and you need someone to talk, feel free to talk to me, I am here for anyone, but before you talk to me,

I want you to pray.

ask for guidance, ask for forgiveness, and know that you are loved, no matter how far you think you stray from the Lord, he is always right there beside you, just waiting for you to call on him.

now I know there’s a lot I didn’t cover in this, even though it’s very long, but I will continue posting these, hence why this is only part one.

each one discussing different issues I have dealt with and I’m sure some of you are experiencing.

I really hope this helped you, even if it didn’t, I hope you can understand for just a second that God loves you, he always has, and always will.

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abimckeag-blog · 6 years ago

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in case anyone was wondering where my tattoo inspiration came from 🤗🤗

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abimckeag-blog · 6 years ago

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coming to terms

i’m sure most of the people reading this right now are here because they follow my “fitstagram”

well when i started that account, my whole intention was to be someone people could come to, to discuss their struggles and learn how i got through mine.

the issue with that was, i was scared and i didn’t feel as if i was recovered enough to be giving anyone advice.

i didn’t feel worthy.

and to be completely honest, i still don’t.

i still have episodes where i fall into old habits and disappoint myself and feel like a failure.

nobody is perfect, as cliche as that is, it’s entirely true.

so i used my instagram to showcase my victories.

if you scroll through, it’s videos of PRs and pictures with amazing lighting and flattering angles.

what you don’t see is the content i originally wanted to post.

i wanted to show the failed lifts, the days where i’m insanely bloated, the foods i feel guilty for eating, the tears shed over not doing as well as i thought i would.

but i didn’t show any of that.

i was scared that those who looked up to me as a strong woman would feel as if i was a liar.

i was scared boys would see a girl with mental issues and think i was psycho.

i was scared my family would see it and be disappointed.

so i put on a facade and pretended everything was fine.

this summer, i absolutely fell apart.

i’m not sure what triggered it,

it could’ve been starting college, getting out of a year relationship, hormonal changes, switching gyms, it could’ve been anything.

but i was so, so close to ending my life a little over a month ago.

but God had bigger plans for me, he knew that my story was not going to end this summer.

one of my very closest friends explained that to me.

they explained that if i stopped burying my issues, if i stopped hiding my mistakes, if i stopped hating myself and learned to accept myself, i would finally feel free.

i’ve been carrying around all this guilt and feelings of failure for the last 7 or so years of my life and now,

now i finally feel as if i can release it all.

i finally understand God’s grace.

every single second of your life is a new beginning.

you should never hold onto any mistake and live your life feeling guilty.

you take that experience, you learn from it, you let it mold you, and you let it go.

so here i am, i’m letting go.

i’m going to lay out all my shortcomings and if you think lesser of me for them, then so be it.

but if you look at me and think “if she can do it, then so can i”,

then heck yes!!!!

let all your guilt and shame go

let the world see who you truly are

and understand that no matter what you do,

God will never, ever, let go of you.

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