#yes this is a subtweet to myself

[tippenfunkaport]

"It darted through her with the speed of an arrow that Mr. Knightley must marry no one but herself!" -Jane Austen's Emma

[iriscasefiles]

a word of advice to anyone writing sci-fi or fantasy for the first time: take it from me, maybe don't come up with key worldbuilding details on the basis of making obscure jokes that are literally funny to you and only you

[moreespressoformydepresso]

Heyy, it’s been a couple of days since I’ve posted, even longer since I’ve been consistent. I would say I’ve been busy but that would be a lie because I haven’t actually had less time than usual to post. Truth is some stuff’s gone down, partially on this very platform, and it’s made it very hard to post. If you don’t want to read a kind of venty angsty personal post the TL;DR is I’ll get back to posting semi-regularly once I’ve dealt with some stuff but I promise it has nothing to do with the people who interact with my blog. You’re the highlight of my day even if it’s “just” a like and I’m sorry for the recent dip in posts.

I don’t wanna go into detail because surprise! I don’t actually like going out of my way to create drama with people and one person involved has essentially harassed me on every platform we share. That’s why I haven’t spoken about this before, and I’m only saying this now because I realized I’ve forgotten to respond to several reblogs and I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m ignoring them or abandoning this blog or anything. Basically, I feel bad about leaving without explanation and also I kind of want to vent? So without getting too specific: A close friendship recently died a slow, torturous death over several months, slowly getting worse until the other person threw me in the trash like I meant nothing. Then he came back two weeks later and tried to guilt trip me for being upset at him for how he treated me.

In that two week period some stuff went down on Tumblr here and well… there’s no way to sugarcoat this, so I’ll be blunt: it’s made me terrified to post anything on here. Every time I want to post something I feel sick to my stomach with dread because what if it’ll happen again? Or, alternatively, what if I’m next? And it sucks because I’m not even 100% sure it was aimed at me, but it lines up a little too perfectly and maybe I’m paranoid and it’s all on me but maybe it’s not and if that’s the case… I’d rather be wrong, for once, but the problem is that there’s no way to know for certain. I’ve been stewing in this weird, complicated mishmash of emotions and confusion and I honestly have no idea how to deal with it. I thought time would help, as it usually does, but clearly this is a special case.

Before anyone says it, yes. I’m aware that this is a subtweet, which is not a cool or nice thing to do unless it’s a joke between friends. That’s another thing that made me not want to post this. I hate being mean to people who aren’t mean to me first, and as I said I have no solid proof from a trustworthy source without ulterior motives that this had anything to do with me (which is what I usually use as my standard for when to start hitting back) but I just can’t seem to let it go. Every time I have an AU I wanna share I get this creeping, uncomfortable, clawing feeling crawling underneath my skin and tightening in my chest and I hate it. I hate it so much I cannot even describe it properly.

It makes me wanna scrape my skin off with sandpaper and scrub myself clean from the inside out with an iron sponge. I wanna claw my heart out of my chest and shake it until it stops feeling like this and the only comfort here is that I’ve found some fancy new descriptions to use in my writing. Speaking of: I’ll post on AO3 again soon, hopefully today or tomorrow, but just like with my blog I’m so drained of energy and I feel so nauseous about posting I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it again, which sucks because I love posting on all these platforms! It shouldn’t feel like a chore but it does now and I don’t know if there’s anything that’ll ever make it fully go away. It’s become more manageable, hence why I’m posting this, so I’m clinging to the hope it’ll all ebb away at some point. Until then though my posting schedule is gonna be even more inconsistent than it usually is, so I’m very sorry about that. Hope you all have a wonderful day and I’m sorry about the venty post I’ve subjected you to 😅

[purplesurveys]

1898

Do you ever wonder how Atheist people raise their kids? I do. There's admittedly some envy in there somewhere lol, but it's mostly intrigue about what the dynamics at home must be like. I live in an overwhelmingly Christian population where every single aspect of life is influenced by religion; so considering I've identified myself as atheist in a place where it's virtually nonexistent, it's something I find myself thinking about once in a while.

If you’re atheist, would you raise you kids believing in God or not? Absolutely not. They can explore, ask questions, even pick a faith to go by if they want to; but I will not be the first one to tell them anything about gods.

How long does it usually take you to finish answering a survey? Usually anywhere from 40 minutes to one hour, depending on the length or how fast I can think of my answers.

Do you spell it gray or grey? Gray.

If you make surveys, how do you decide about its title? I don't make them. I'm terrible at coming up with questions.

When are you going back to school? I don't need to; I graduated four years ago.

If you don’t go to school anymore, what do you do? I work in public relations; agency side.

Do you care about other people’s status messages? Like on Facebook? Sure. It's always nice to know what people are up to, the new places they've been traveling to or the life goals they've been reaching. The only theme I don't particularly like encountering are warfreak posts? like when they still subtweet (idk the equivalent term on Facebook haha). Come on sis we're in our mid 20s.

Do you like reading self help books? No.

What is your opinion on sex change? Your body, your choice. Glad to see there's been more opportunities to let this happen for those who need it.

Do you think that this will take away the essence of gay pride? ...What?

What do you do when you tell a really bad joke? I let it eat me up anywhere between 3 to 7 days, lol.

If you’re still a virgin, how important is your virginity to you? Not much, it's never mattered to me. I gave it up when I was 18 and never thought twice about it before or after.

If you have lost it already, do you regret it? No.

Do you believe in marriage? Why or why not? I believe in it, I don't believe it's a life requirement.

Do you like having a huge group of friends or would you rather have few close friends? Few close friends. The older I get, the more I enjoy my own company. That said I only let very few people in my circle now.

Do you have any goals for this summer? If so, what are they? Summer's over, but I didn't set goals. I did travel abroad, which wasn't something I specifically set out to do but was still nice to have done.

Or do you plan on getting a summer job? Or do you already have one? I've had a job the last four years.

If so, where do you work and what do you do? I work in a PR agency, doing PR work for consumer brands. Some of them you definitely know about and consume; some of them more up-and-coming and aptly needing the help.

Do you watch the TV show Skins? If so, who’s your favorite character? Never watched it.

And which generation do you prefer? Or do you equally love both?

Do you know someone who still typpe thiszz wayy? No.

Would you take a break after graduating from high school (like, postpone going to college for a year or so)? I didn't do that. Where I'm from, a gap year is just for the super rich who have safety nets no matter what they do or pursue, so...ew. Most need to fight to live.

Do you feel tired after stretching? No, it feels nice.

Can you get a strike at bowling? Only on Wii Sports, haha.

Do you use Facebook? If so, what is your favorite application there? Yes, but apps stopped being trendy there yearsssss ago.

It seems like everyone’s addicted to Twitter these days - are you? I fucking hate Twitter. I keep it to stay updated and to read translations for all BTS releases, but I stay the fuck out of any conversation. Everyone's always dragging, cancelling, bullying, shaming, discriminating someone else these days on there.

[onemorecupofcoffee]

geniunely killing myself if i ever go back to twitter ... the pelople there are so nice (well some of them) but the fuckin enviornment fuckin sucks and its all built on drama. yes theres shit that happens on tumblr & instagram but in the classic rock fandom there's like very rare drama from what ive seen or at least it isnt public/its chill. on twitter there is literally drama every fucking day and it gives me so much anxiety and i hate it and i hate people fighting and acting like its the endof the world over the stupidest shit and acting superior and shit a lot of my mutuals were nice but some of them fuckin subtweeted me like actually fuck you & the fuckin priv quote tweets ugh that was the worst and i saw people literally pqt each other it was so rudeand brutual and mean like??? esp over nothing or like a very small thing ugh uit was terrible that site is built on literal hell & i always felt terrible every time i went there like it was actually so so bad ... like i would doomscroll for an hour , feel like shit repeat... idk talking to people on there was so weird even if they were nice it just made me feel sm anxiety like they all hated me & i literally never feel like that here, or on instagram ... so gladni left that place but i regret sm i wish i was never on there, i made a lot of mutuals who were super cool & im glad ive kept in touch w some of them but its just annoying to think about how worried i was on there like avtually

[dogwittaablog]

Nolan is not a piece of shit because he’s from winnipeg, manitoba or “buttfuck nowhere” as you do nicely called it. He is from Winnipeg, a city with more people than metro Vancouver! google is free if u don’t believe me. don’t make excuses for him.

he is a shit person because he choose to be, and if you think location determines a person actions, go back to school. he chooses to follow red pill accounts. he chooses to listen to conspiracy based podcasts. he chooses to spend his unemployed time subtweeting his ex coworkers and workplaces, most of whom forgot about him until he the fake retirement announcement.

fun fact: Manitoba has a NDP leader (for the American’s that’s a socialist democrat vs Trump jr) so unless that anon is from BC, you don’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to where your from. The dumbdumbs from ButtFuck Manitoba could vote more progressively than your educated metropolis.

one more thing: the retirement announcement, how did y’all not get that? the only person who doesn’t know Nolan’s career is over is Nolan. even if he makes a miracle recovery (which based on the tweets about smoking weed all day and the amount of OnlyFans creators he replies to, he has other more important things to train for), no NHL team wants a player that hasn’t even conditioning for over 3 years. Nolan Patrick is the most Canadian example of a hockey has been.

Stay in school kids.

*So this anon went off, and this was from a week and a bit ago, so I don't know which other anon/post they're referencing*

I am pretty sure he knows his career is over... and hasn't made any efforts into getting back to the league or any league really lol.

I think unfortunately a lot of people have heard negative things about Manitoba and how people can be down there in general that it's hard not to go ''Oh he's from Manitoba makes sense''. So it can be easy to just start stereotyping. Though yes! I do agree that people miss the fact geographic location doesn't always contribute to people's choices and character, because pieces of shit's exist everywhere and in every part of the world, because as you said people have there own free thoughts and choices.

I know some people will probably start talking about his dad influencing him, but if we just removed him from the equation... in my opinion I think he was definitely never going to be this liberal-progressive person (sorry folks) and I kind of concluded that myself even before seeing his parents media and the burners.

[cafephan]

(realizing from scrolling back 1 (one) post on your blog that the answer is almost certainly yes lol, but I asked cause I wanted to know more about your experience since every show was so unique!)

so my tatinof experience for show one was me bricking it because i had uni in the morning then i had to make an excuse to leave at lunchtime to be back home in time for my friend at the time to pick me up and so we could make it into the show - but once i actually got home and got ready i got so into the swing of things and i remember the people sat in front of me turned around to stare because i started bawling as soon as dnp came on stage :)))) pretty sure i would’ve been subtweeted or posted

ALSO i am 99% certain i heard my username a couple of times, not sure if it’s because i posted i was there idk but it is a core memory - i don’t even know the context it was said in

interactive introverts show one was interesting as my train was delayed and i was convinced i was going to miss the show so the second i got into the train station i just told my friend to run and we ran across a city centre and i remember sagging against the wall outside practically heaving and the queue to get in was so long and people stared again but i did not give a flying damn, as soon as i got seated (and breathing normally) and the show started i started tearing up and my friend had to hold my hand as i got very emotional - i know i sound pathetic i am aware but these guys saved my life and seeing them irl hits me

my SECOND ii show is the biggie - i stayed over in my friend’s uni dorm the night before and the friend i was going to the show with (lily aka phangirlingforphan, long will her memory live on this site) arrived and whilst we were getting ready i posted a fic i wrote the night before as i couldn’t sleep (titled cars and parking lots, in case you want to read lmao) and i had an absolute meltdown on the way to the venue. when we were finally allowed in - WHICH by the way the staff were trying to not let me in and i was like hahahaha nice try i’m vip let me the fuck in - i started using up this bottle of cooling spray i brought from the train station as i both had heat sweats and it was scorching in temperature, when dnp came out i started crying and lily had to fix my makeup in the line, lily started making friends in the queue whilst i just tried not to cry and by the time we got to marianne at the front of the queue my bottle of cooling spray was empty and i just - still crying - set my phone to screen record and made sure lily was also filming it (we filmed for each other) and i had my meet and greet - i was blubbering the entire time and honestly i can’t bring myself to watch the video atm to tell you exactly what was said the whole time as now it makes me cringe but honestly just being in their presence was indescribable for me and yes i am the lamest person ever but i stand by that

i’ve always been a lonely person and have been able to count my friends on one hand so i spent (and continue to spend) most of my time online watching content and dnp got me through so many of my toughest times that i won’t go into but seeing these tours was therapeutic as hell for me and yes i would meet them again in a heartbeat to get a redo as i fucked my meet and greet up by crying the whole time but those tours are so fucking special to me and nobody can take those away

also i again heard my username at the second ii show and refused to turn around - not even sure if they knew it was me but hey ho

[levok]

Lol why would someone who hates you block and then unblock you? You have a very high opinion of yourself and you can’t help but expose that sometimes. It explains a lot of your other behavior far more than horoscopes ever could 💫

For the same reason they cannot help but subtweet about you every fortnight?

And yes, I have very high thoughts of myself. Would recommend everyone to have that about themselves. And no, that actually do align very much with my horoscope.

[glitterdustcyclops]

this musing sparked by a random youtube vid the algo fed me (can you believe there is ita bag drama on tiktok? because of course there is)

i am...wary of going too hard in on the whole "asian fishing" debacle. as someone who doesn't personally Look Asian myself i have, shall we say, Complex Feelings around asian culture (especially asian diaspora culture!!) and the alienation that mixed folks can feel, growing up first or second generation & being raised to assimilate into white/western culture. so i'd never want to presume someone else's right to express an identity that is meaningful to them just because to me they don't look "asian enough" to me, that is gross

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND

seeing this influx of skinny white bitches who have made being skinny & kawaii their whole personality get love and praise and attention and MONEY for pretending to be japanese (always japan or mainland china, never taiwan or singapore or god forbid, SEA) does make me see red kinda. because you just know that if they looked like me (fat) they would not nearly be as popular or as praised. it is only because of their adherence to white, western standards of beauty that they can get away with cosplaying as a completely different race for clout, and that is absolutely fucked.

(yes this whole thing is a massive subtweet of the tiktok creator twinbuns, who i had never heard of until this moment but i absolutely do not like)

[solarpunkani]

Hey, this post exploded recently! Which I guess is what I wanted, but also wasn't expecting in a sense? Glad I could let people know that something was up!

I just wanna take a moment to address a few things people have mentioned in reblogs/tags real quick:

Don't go to big box garden stores/only buy from botanical gardens/native nurseries: I would love to! Unfortunately, without doxxing myself, I would say 75% or more of the nurseries in my city are either Home Depot, Lowe's, or the occasional Ace Hardware nursery. Even with the smaller nurseries I've been to (some of which are an over 40+ minute drive from my house) they don't sell native species of milkweed, when they sell it at all. Out of the past 5+ years of trying to grow native milkweeds, the only places I've found to sell any species other than Asclepias curassavica are the occasional Ace Hardware store, the Florida Museum (over a 2 hour drive from my house), and... that's it! The other small nurseries (that I've asked at least) are trying to find vendors who grow native species, but have had no luck so far. Big box stores are what I, and most gardeners in my city, have got. Unless I'm missing some hole in the wall nursery on the other other side of town from me. And I live in a big city--imagine being in a smaller one where a store like Lowe's is about all you've got! Not to mention, several kinds of milkweed don't transplant well due to tap roots, so some can't even be easily sold.

Don't buy if you can't confidently ID something: do you know how many times I've bought something thinking its native only to find out it's not? The answer is 'several', I can do all the googling in the world when I see a cool plant at a store, and the instant I get home I'll find a site saying 'hey actually its not native to FL! Not invasive, but not native either!' I'm not a botanist, by hobby or by profession. I'm just someone who got into pollinator gardening as a teen and fixated on native milkweeds. And even if I know better, who's to say someone just getting into gardening would? If I told my neighbor not to buy tropical milkweed and only buy native species, and she went out and saw something labeled as a native species even if its not actually, she'll buy it thinking she did good! That's not an isolated incident either. Also if I'm good at anything, it's second guessing myself.

Only grow from seeds!: I've been trying. I'm a forgetful, 'didn't realize I have ADHD until a few weeks ago' wanna be gardener. Every time I've tried growing native milkweeds from seed, something has happened to cause them to die (I forget to water, I forget to weed, passionvine takes over the garden, they get knocked off a table during a storm and die, etc. etc.) I honestly wish it were that simple, but in many cases it's not.

Am I going to email/subtweet/call out Lowe's about this? Not right now, I don't have that kind of confidence. I've worked for Lowe's before and would like to again depending on post-grad school prospects, so the last thing I want at the moment is to sour my chances.

I don't know how much this makes sense right now, but I guess my point is: yes, I could have and should have known better. Yes, if I could go buy milkweeds at some small native nursery then I should and would. Yes, I could grow from seed again and again and again and hope for results. But not everyone has those options, or the knowledge. When i wrote this post, I wasn't thinking 'ooh, I'm so much smarter/better than all the gardeners who are gonna fall for this,' I was thinking about how concerning such misleading information could be for people trying to start gardening who don't necessarily have the knowledge I or others do/would. Especially if they don't have or know of the other options.

Milkweed Lovers Everywhere, Heed My Warning

By all means let me know if I'm wrong here, but if I'm not wrong then we're looking at a serious (at least to me) problem.

I've been trying to stray away from Tropical Milkweed (Asclepias curassavica) and towards more native species in my area--things like swamp, sandhill, etc--and Butterflyweed (Asclepias tuberosa) fits in that category for me. It's hard to find native milkweed plants in stores--even places I've gone to in the past that had a handful of native species are currently only selling Tropical Milkweed. Even still, I know that there's been a good bit of buzz around growing native species, and some stores I've visited have said they're trying to find vendors with native species--they're not only selling Tropical for lack of trying.

So imagine my surprise--and delight--when I go to Lowe's and see Asclepias tubersoa blazoned on a plant label!

And imagine my surprise when it's being sold right next to Tropical Milkweed and looks almost identical to it.

I was immediately suspicious--especially considering the red flower buds on the 'Butterfly weed'. I've grown Tropical Milkweed for several years, and while it's been awhile since I've seen a Butterfly Weed plant outside of a photograph, these definitely didn't look like what I'd seen. Not to mention, I'd only heard of Asclepias tuberosa flowering in orange or yellow--not red. Of course, at the same time, I'm not a professional botanist, and a quick google search did declare that butterfly weed can grow in red (though the images all look like asclepias curassavica to me...).

(Image from the Native Plant Database. Looking at this picture, I should've realized where this was going sooner...)

So I did the reasonable thing and bought two of them. I figured if the red buds somehow turned orange and were actually Butterfly Weed, then I'd be perfectly satisfied. If they turned out to be Tropical Milkweed, well, I simply would give them to my neighbor who's fond of them, or find something else to do with them.

(I feel the need to emphasize; there are a lot of people online who are in the 'if you plant tropical milkweed you're a horrible person and intentionally killing monarch butterflies' camp. I am not one of them; it's not invasive in my area of Florida, it just takes a little bit of extra managing in terms of cutting it back in October/November.)

I ended up in the same Lowe's again today, shopping for my mom, and took a peek at their plant selection. Lo and behold, I found the Butterfly Weed, and...

This sure does look like Tropical Milkweed to me, and to others in my gardening server, yet it's still labeled as 'Butterfly Weed.' Also, I didn't see any Tropical Milkweed on any of the shelves--at least, nothing labeled as Tropical Milkweed. Instead, all I saw was Tropical Milkweed disguised as Butterfly Weed.

This is, in my humble pollinator garden enthusiast opinion, a problem. At best, Lowe's--or the company they source their plants from--is mislabeling their plants on accident. Which could cause problems if people are buying the plants and putting them in a place that's not quite the right condition for them, or create severe disappointment if someone's excited to grow the native Asclepias tuberosa only to end up with something else entirely. At worst? Lowe's--or the company they source their plants from--are aware that people want to grow native milkweed and are either unable to or too lazy to grow them, and would rather try to get away with selling Tropical Milkweed--which has been growing increasingly controversial in some gardening circles--and still reap the benefits and profits of selling native milkweed species.

However, I'll be real? I'm not sure what exactly to do about it. So I guess I'm just letting everyone know; if you see 'Butterfly Weed (Asclepias tuberosa)' in your local Lowe's, at least double check. Otherwise, you may plant Tropical Milkweed/Scarlet Milkweed (Asclepias curassavica) instead.

[causmonaut]

aaaand we’re back…

with another long ass post !!

documenting my stupidity immaturity:::::

she tweets: i love my bf!

he tweets: i love my gf!

she tweets: i miss my hubby i cant eat or sleep i cant breath i cant live like this

and hoooowwww do i see it? by logging into the acc i follow her on (to softblock everyone and keep the account as an archive since i had been using it for years)…

i !!! was confused? at first. then icked out… then hurt.

how do you shit on me for not even directly questioning your sexuality once because you loved to talk about dating men and dated and LOVED a man for 3 years, and say you’re a pure lesbian and i’m projecting by suggesting that you might have curiosity or the capacity to be attracted to men .. and then go date a man?

that part got me for a bit but her sexuality is really none of my business nor do i really care about it past the fact that she got super aggressive with me when i would question her comments. if she’s figuring out her sexuality then, good on her. i don’t believe in holding anyone to labels they’ve given themselves, it takes a long while before someone might settle (or decide not to settle) on whatever label(s) they feel comfortable with.

but it confirms that she’s with someone, it confirms that she likely lined him up soon after or before she dumped me which also stings because i think she’s shown me my worth to her so many times and it’s really not much. i think i was worth more than a few weeks of recovery? but it’s fine. i think she’s emotionally constipated and avoidant as fuck so i lowkey hope it all builds up and blows up in her face eventually (this is hateful, i’m rarely ever hateful…)

i decided to reach out before yesterday ended because it gave me an excuse to go and a: make it known that i know she’s a “lesbian” with a boyfriend and b: make it clear that i think it’s best i don’t have her on any of my social media accounts.. so i removed her on my defunct instagram… removed her from the server we used to share stuff and vc during games… took her out of groupchats with my friends.

her responses vv

“my tweets? do we still follow eo anywhere? but yeah, sure. please delete my personal info on there.”

“ooh i see”

“alright alright, thanks”

^^ putting these here.. for a few reasons

i think it’s important for me to reflect on how little energy she was giving me despite my long-winded over-explanations for my actions.. i wanted to make it clear i wasn’t removing her out of malice and stuff.. but really i don’t think i owed her the clarification.

i don’t think she thinks that deeply about things, and probably didn’t care much since they’re logical steps.

i wish i could’ve been more reserved during a lot of our conversations together but my overthinking makes it so hard not to assume she’d need the same reassurance as i might need in that situation.

i think for the first time she’s actually given me pretty mature responses. curt, dry, detached. probably in part because i’ve been pathetic as fuck in a lot of my messages to her, i’m sure she’s tired (i know she’s tired).

i would like to adopt her way of being firm in her decisions and knowing when to step away.

i could’ve honestly just quietly removed her from things, didn’t need to open up that can of worms or do that to myself or her.

i’ve now been dealing with the consequences of feeling a little hurt by her short responses, by removing her from things i wasn’t ready to remove her from.. by her moving on so quickly. her using the L word .. didn’t necessarily want her to while she was with me but she couldn’t say it even after a year, but with anyone else she’s said it within months? my self worth has taken a major hit. i think it’s half her and half me. two mentally ill people cannot function together for sure.

on the topic of mental illness, she subtweeted .. with “mental illness” .. friend saw and sent over a screenshot

yes, i’m mentally ill. i deal with chronic depression, anxiety disorder, a whole separate cocktail of other stuff, and ADHD… not to mention addiction (sober, btw).. and if we are being honest i am probably bordering on a personality disorder and all of that in combination with my anxious attachment style turn me into a monster when i’m with someone who can’t meet my needs or be consistent.

i recognize that and my needs, and what i need to work on.. i’ve known for a very long time but i still end up being attracted to manic types who are wishy washy and leave me questioning their intentions 24/7… this last girl was also a love bomber so that was not fun.

not excluding my own mistakes and toxic tendencies btw. i could lean into manipulative territory when i was upset, probably overloaded her with information in attempt to be transparent and it likely came off as being over critical and uncaring, because she could be petty i also allowed myself to be petty, too. we would get snappy at each other, she’d fuck up and i’d hold it against her for a while because she’d never genuinely apologize.. i’d fuck up and she’d never let it go, never communicate, only bring it up when it was too late for me to make up for it. it just wasn’t a good match.

but at the end of the day, once again, i can blame others as much as i want for things. i can hate her, i can ruminate on how little i must’ve meant to her in comparison to how much she meant and still means to me, i can torture myself with old screenshots or what ifs and would’ve should’ve could’ves but it doesn’t serve me.

^ easy to recognize that it doesn’t serve me but hard to not think or do these things anyway. i’m not good at combatting negative thoughts. i either don’t have them or they dominate all other thoughts. no in-between.

i think my anxiety and tendency to overthink are the biggest roadblocks i face.

kind of feeling like i am damaged goods. kind of feeling like i’d rather not date again so i don’t turn into an insecurity monster over someone that ain’t shit for the hundredth time.

life is tough as is. i have a lot on my plate, and sometimes i fear i’ll never feel peace. i don’t need a relationship to come and muddy everything up on top of all of the shit i go through on a regular basis.

buut as much as i don’t need it, that fear of loneliness sure does know how to creep in at just the right moments.

i’m talking about general loneliness. dying alone.. being distant from family… but also romantic loneliness, yea. everyone grows and branches out, my friends will find people they’ll go live in their own little bubble with, my cousins will do the same.. my parents are split and it wont be long before they both find people, too.. and here i am, their adult daughter who Should be more independent but i have honestly been so stunted by the amount of trauma we’ve all been through and it’s hard to feel my age, hard to cope with the fact that my life is my own. i don’t have the support structure of someone with parents that love them unconditionally or healthily.. it’s hard to grow when i spend so much time in their shadow trying to patch things up with them and help out without ever being nurtured in return.

in a lot of my relationships, i’m the one who lifts and supports others while i’m expected to get through things on my own. i fear it won’t ever change.

this all sounds very woe is me but i think i deserve to sit in that energy for a bit.

[tippenfunkaport]

While I'm being salty on main, there's a HUGE difference between saying "I made this with an AI generator" and trying to pretend you drew the AI art, even if that lie is by omission and careful wording.

It's the lying and pretending that is the problem.

[asyncmeow]

yes, this is... whatever the tumblr equivalent of a subtweet is, i guess...

breaking up with someone and then calling them immature when they say they don't want to be friends is a Dick Move... (that said, making this post is probably immature, but i honestly just want to vent into the void right now.)

so, the specific reasoning is that.. well, we broke up over my mental health. this is like, the 10th partner who's done that, with pretty much zero warning that it was coming up until it was too late. they said they wanted to be friends still, and i said that's not a good idea for my mental health. as a compromise, i stated i'd be willing to if there was a possibility of us getting back together eventually. not saying now, but when my mental health was better. they said that was immature.

and the reasoning is kinda selfish, but i'm trying to keep my already terrible mental health from getting even worse. and it's *bad* - just ask some of the people closer to me. for me, being around someone i genuinely love and not being able to express that love toward them at all is a terrible feeling. it's not easy at all for me to hide my emotions, even more so on HRT. and trying to hold those emotions in will just hurt my mental health even more. what am i supposed to do, just let myself slip further into depression until she leaves anyway?

am i really immature for stating what i would need for this friendship to have any chance of success?

[morgenlich]

frankly no longer interested in events that don’t allow incest or noncon as like a matter of principle

[teacupfulofstarshine]

gay fear looks like one (1) thing and it's fanfic authors cryptically posting about upcoming angst and then disappearing

[aetherianxarchive]

Do you ever look at a super old ship for a character and go “wait why tf did I push that so hard? It makes little to no sense…”